Writing Feedback / Ordinary people unlike huge organizations, are said to have no impacts on environmental improvements [2]

You are discussing your non support of the statement in direct opposition to the discussion instruction provided. You have changed the discussion requirement as you failed to address the original question, which required a direct response.

Question: To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Response: ...I do not support...

Your TA score will be based on the clear evidence that your response is totally unrelated to the task. Rather than offering an extent response, you offered an opposition, which is not the required discussion response nor format. As such, your TA score will kick off your essay with a handicap score. You will have to try an overcome a failing TA score even as your essay presents several other errors that would further lower your final score due to points deductions.

At this point, I have to point out that writing 251 words, just one word over the minimum will not help your essay. Had your response been proper and correctly formatted, your presentation would not have had a chance to get an increased score because you only wrote the bare minimum word requirement. Next time, provide anywhere from 275-290 words, just to further increase your scoring chances. However, before you write more words, you first have to make sure that you are properly responding to the discussion instructions as provided. That is what you failed to do in this practice test.

Scholarship / Medical Technology and Pharmacy - study of purpose for schoolarship [2]

Does the scholarship statement of purpose come with a specific prompt instruction? This version does not really feel like it was written as a statement of purpose. It lacks the focus of a student looking to attend graduate school. Your presentation is more of a personal statement rather than a statement of purpose. A personal statement is an essay that presents the development of your interest in a course. A statement of purpose discusses your professional requirements which can only be enhanced by completing a masters course. I am not really sure which of the two you are supposed to accomplish. Regardless, the essay can really use the help of a professional editor just to tighten the content or, make it more relevant as the case may be. Without the scholarship essay prompt, it is really difficult to tell which direction your essay should be going in.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 2- not enough students study science subjects at university (Reasons/impacts) [2]

Try not to write more than 290 words for the Task 2 essay. Focus on the clarity of each paragraph thought presentation. You do not need to over explain things in the paragraphs. 5 clear sentence explanations will work wonders for your final score. The stronger your topic sentence, the stronger your supporting sentence, the clearer your example, the better your supporting information, the higher your score in the end.

In your reasoning paragraphs, your first reason is clear enough, but your topic sentence for the second reason is incompletely developed. That caused you to under develop the rest of the second reasoning discussion as well. Then, you added a 3rd reason, without even trying to explain it. This paragraph is definitely problematic in presentation and lacking in proper thought development and discussion.

Your repercussions paragraph is just as problematic as your reasoning presentation. You need to really focus on shorter, clearer explanations. Do not just keep writing for the sake of creating a long essay. Even if you write long essays, if the sentences and paragraphs are not clearly threshed out, then your long essay will not help you pass the test.

Writing Feedback / Meaningfulness life due to job satisfaction in long working hours at the workplace [2]

Your original prompt is incomplete. it does not provide the reason why people would think that life is meaningless without job satisfaction. Since I do not see any proper prompt paraphrase in your opening paragraph, I cannot say that you did a good job at paraphrasing the prompt. You also failed to follow the discussion instruction because, even as you assert an opinion, you do not provide the extent or reasons for your opinion. In fact, a closer review shows that you did not even respond properly to the prompt question.

Question: To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?"
Response: I personally assert that there are other factors that are of greater concern than job satisfaction.

Based on the error in your discussion slant, your essay will be judged as offering a response totally unrelated to the task provided. This is one of the lowest scores possible in the TA section, which almost assures you of a failing score with this presentation. Why the failing score? Well, your essay also has spelling, cohesiveness and coherence issues, and improper word usage which will all add up to further lower your score.

Next time, make sure you understand the discussion requirements first so that you will not deviate from the prompt as provided. You can review the other essay samples here to help you better understand the topics used and how it should be discussed.

Undergraduate / Describe personal information you want to share as a part of your admissions application [2]

You have a pretty good outline of what you want to discuss. Yes, these are extenuating circumstances that you should discuss. These have had a direct effect on your maturity and your desire to complete your studies. Now that you have your topic sentences, try to expand on the discussion simply by explaining or illustrating the information in an expanded form. It should not be too hard. Just write from the heart. Get as personal as you want to be. Let the reviewer into your life so that he can understand what you went through or are going through. Most importantly, explain why these hindrances will no longer stop you from achieving your plans for a better future by completing your undergraduate studies as a transfer student. Do not mention the university you plan to transfer to. Just explain how your circumstances led you to finally understand that you need to shift universities (and courses?) if you want to get ahead in life and beat your current circumstances.

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 2: CONSTRUCTING HIGH-RISE BUILDINGS OR EXPANDING LAND SIZE TO CREATE HOUSES [2]

Your essay is confusing to read from beginning to end. You never really defend your belief that building houses across more land is the best solution to the housing problem. While I can somehow pick out your reasoning in your paragraphs, the clarity of the discussion is lost in the vernacular translation of your response. Never think in your Austroasiatic language and then translate it to your second language, which is English. That is how you create confusion and lack of clarity in your presentation. Always think in English. Force yourself to think in English and write in English. That way, you are able to increase the clarity of your presentation, even if the sentence is not properly structured.

This is not a comparative essay. You were clearly asked, which solution is better. Since you chose the buildings as the opinion you want to defend, then the 2 reasoning paragraphs need to give believable and justifiable reasons for your opinion. I saw that you tried to do that in your essay. However, the improper sentence structures and improper vocabulary usage really took a toll on your presentation and, eventually, your final score.

You even run off to a non-related topic later on, causing a serious prompt deviation, when you discussed building an epidemic research center for pandemic situations. Never add or include information that will not be supported by the original discussion. It creates additional confusion in the presentation.

Scholarship / My ACT Test - Questbridge 200 word essay [2]

Well, yes. This is a good story that shows how much you care about the academic side of your education. However, you need to build a backstory for it before you achieve this climax and climactic ending. Walk the reviewer through your story. How were you performing academically before? Why were you worried about this test in particular? What was hinging on the results? After the results came out, you were jubilant. Explain why the jubilation was an appropriate response even though it was a grade that "could have been better". You know, the sense of foreboding and excitement is there, so build on it. Make us anticipate the results, make us worry for you, make sure we feel what you feel so that we can understand the achievement you are emphasizing through this story.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing task 2 about the purpose of University [3]

You are being asked to offer an opinion based on 2 reasoning considerations. There is no debate / argument taking place, only a discussion. Examiners tend to score down students who exaggerate their translation of the original prompt. That is because your English explanation skills are based on the accuracy of your restatement. So, do not offer a debate where there is none provided. Rather, offer 2 separate sentences that deliver on each of the reasons provided. Saying:

There are opinions that support the idea that tertiary learning institutions should focus its lessons on information and job-know how as these will be required for the future employment of students. However, others believe that the academy should simply allow a student to access academic information irrelevant of its applicability to the learner's future occupation. I believe that the former opinion, in relation to job relevance, is the true function of a college.

See? 3 sentences. One sentence for each discussion point from the original, clearly restated. After doing that, offering your personal opinion at the end of the paragraph seems more informative and relevant to the essay focus.

Your reasons as good. However, the method by which you chose to portray the connection from one discussion to the next is unimpressive and will not help your GRA score. Rather than using numerical ordinals, you should:

- Use a topic sentence at the start of the paragraph
- Use a transition sentence at the end of the paragraph going into the next one

By using topic and transition sentences properly, you will be able to clearly show a cohesive presentation between paragraphs and offer a coherent discussion that will connect your two ideas in a related manner, other than simply counting the reasons out.

You need to remember to offer a clear reverse restatement of the previous topics and discussion points within your concluding summary. As of now, you appear to have simply rushed through your concluding paragraph instead of making an effort to provide the required scoring elements in that section.

Scholarship / Questbridge Topical Essay - "My Missing Mother & Third-Grade Teacher" [3]

The prompt is asking you to provide information regarding an experience that cause you to change your mind or perspective / opinion. Instead, I get an an essay singing the praises of your third grade teacher. This essay immediately has 2 problems within it:

- The focus of the essay is on the teacher rather than your realization
- It happened in the 3rd grade

You are a very good creative writer. Unfortunately, the focus of your writing creativity was on the wrong person and wrong event. The college reviewers would rather see the development of your maturity based on one of the following:

- Emotional maturity
- Intellectual maturity
- Social development

All of these 3 just happen to begin developing within the high school, not grade school years. So you went back in time way too much. It resulted in an irrelevant prompt response. Some topics you can change your response to include:

- Overcoming personal doubts
- Coming to terms with and understanding issues of race inequality
- Gender empowerment

Among other relevant and thought provoking themes that can easily prove a change in perspective and / or opinion. Bring your response up to date. Do not dwell such simple topics that indicate an immaturity and a lack of understanding of the importance of the match prompts.

Scholarship / MSc E-Business and Innovation / Security - My STUDYING Essay 4 Chevening Award [4]

For this essay, the first thing you have to prove is that you have completed undergraduate courses relevant to your chosen masters. Each masters course you have chosen must correspond to the following:

- relevant undergraduate preparation courses
- current work relationship with your chosen masters course
- applicability of your chosen masters course to your current work demands and future work plans.

You can opt to either outline your undergraduate studies in a common format that could be applicable to every course or, explain the relevant courses you took in college as a part of the course discussion. At the moment, all you are doing is describing the course choice and curriculum inclusions. There is no real connection with your past education, current work, and future application of the course within your workplace.

Do not merely say that you will appreciate the course learning process, you need to justify its relevance. So you have to provide, for every course choice, your undergraduate background as relevant to the masters curriculum, your professional training as applicable to the course choice, and the relevance of the course to your future career plans. The career plans could be an extension of your current position or indicate a change in career paths. It all depends upon how you wish to introduce your credentials to the reviewer.

Writing Feedback / What are some negative effects of spending too much time on facebook [2]

you listed this piece of writing under Essays but failed to identify if this is for a Task 2 essay, a research essay or what. The topic you have chosen to use for this writing is quite broad. Without the clarity of the type of essay that you are writing, it is really difficult for me to properly assess your work. If this is for a task 2 essay, then you overwrote for a 20 minute task. You cannot write a 572 word paper within 40 minutes, using researched information. Mostly because you won't have internet access at the testing center. If you wrote this for a research paper, then you wrote just enough words, but failed to note several errors that exist in your essay for correction.

As a research paper, you have properly introduced information, but failed to properly develop each discussion point as a sub-section of an overall research presentation. You lack sub-headings to identify the sub-sections of your writing. The almost combined presentation creates confusion for the reader as there is no separation between topics through the use of proper transition paragraphs.

These are the early observations I have of this writing. Like I said, without knowing what type of paper you are trying to present, I can't really go any deeper into the review. I can only do an early critique of your paper based on assumptions created by the errors in your presentation.

Scholarship / I am prepared for this scholarship - ECONOMICS [3]

Even at font size 10, your essay is longer than the required number of A4 sized pages. You need to edit the content of your paper to meet the page requirement.

Your motivation to study in Korea and your major of choice are not connected. You must convince the reviewer that you will benefit from an Economics education completed in Korea. Focus on Economics and the Korean contribution to that line of work or field of study. Do not create 2 separate and unrelated motivations (Economics and Korean culture and language). That will not work. The motivation must always be clearly related to your chosen major. The Korean culture and language should only be a secondary consideration.

The question that your essay fails to answer is "Why Korea for Economics studies?" There is no definitive response to that unspoken question. You are just relating unimportant and relevant information throughout 80% of this personal statement. It isn't going to help you pass this time around either. Your response to the question should involve a global outlook as Korea fast emerges as an economic powerhouse in the region and the world. Your discussion is way too narrow minded and focuses only on the "I" aspect instead of the global economic considerations. You are not reflecting the true pondering of a student interested in Economics. There are just too many disconnections in your discussion.

You fail to show that you have spent most of your high school life furthering your interests in Economics. There is no extra curricular participation in a relevant organization, no training in Mathematics or related sciences, nothing to show that you have been defined by your interest in Economics. You will not make it as an Economics undergraduate applicant. However, if you change your major to multimedia or languages, then maybe, just maybe, you can reformat your personal statement to better reflect your true interests, as supported by your extra curricular activities and other interests.

Scholarship / The elections of Key Club Statistical Secretary - Questbridge 200 Word Essay [4]

I am not sure why you would be so proud of your accomplishment. There is no clarity as to why this secretarial position is something to brag about. It is after all, to the unfamiliar reader, just a secretary position. A secretary is seen only as a glorified note taker, not really important in any club or organization. What exactly does this position say about you? How did becoming a secretary give you a personal and intellectual development avenue?

Yes, your essay is definitely one dimensional because you failed to connect your development or skills training to the position you are proud of. Personally, I would not use this elected position for this essay. Perhaps you have a more personalized moment that would clearly show a moment of "adult" development in your life? Something that shows how you went from irresponsible to responsible, and an explanation of why you are proud of that accomplishment would work best.

Writing Feedback / VARIATIONS IN THE USAGE OF TRANSPORTS - IELTS writing task 1 [2]

You are assuming that the reader can see the table in front of them. You have to always remember to phrase the sentences referring to images and data in a manner that assumes the reader cannot confirm the information for themselves. Rather than saying; "The table depicts", you can instead say "An image of a 3 column table was provided. The table was comprised of the following information: A,B, and C. The distance traveled... The idea is to help the reader create a mental picture of what you are reporting. It helps create the accuracy of your report and also, allows the reader to create a manual picture if so desired. That adds to the clarity of your report.

When referring to the data, you have to give the baseline information ( three fifths of what total?) Otherwise the reader will be left with more questions than answers. A situation that will convince the examiner that you have not presented an accurate data report and analysis.

Scholarship / Focus, responsibility, attitude - leadership and influence (Chevening) [5]

You are not portraying yourself as an effective leader in any case within this presentation. The first problem, is that you always say "we" in reference to the activities undertaken. There is no "we" in leadership. There can only be one head leader. There is no clarity as to your position of leadership in any discussion. You are always portrayed as a mere participant who did not really have to deal with major problems or conflicts within your workplace.

Your undergraduate depiction of group participation does not qualify as a leadership role. You only showed evidence of your community service participation, which should never be mistaken for a leadership undertaking. You did not lead a group, develop any solution that could address a problem, or need to get the cooperation of all the group members to assist you with your plan of action. This is the error that exists throughout your presentations. As the Chief of Nutrition at the hospital you should have been able to show leadership in times of need. Were there no problems that needed solving in terms of nutritional needs at the hospital that you had to address? How did you go about that? What departments were involved? Who did you have to speak to or cooperate with to develop solutions? Where is the leadership development? I did not read anything in reference to that.

Your last paragraph about being a freelance auditor is nothing close to leadership either. That is more of a subordinate role (reporting, suggesting, information dissemination, etc.) You are trying to justify your development as a leader but have not really given any evidence to prove an increasing leadership rank on your part. This is not a truthful nor acceptable essay. It has too many errors in the presentation that will prevent it from convincing the reviewer that you have actual leadership skills, abilities, and talents.

Writing Feedback / "Avenger series" - IELTS Writing Essay: Foreign Films > Local Films [3]

322 words is a bit too long for a Task 2 essay. This has caused some forced errors in your presentation that could have been avoided if you had written 275-290 words. You should really make sure to review your paper before considering it final and ready for scoring.

The prompt paraphrase is good, but fails to present the reasons that you would like to discuss in the essay. There are 2 clear responses that you should have answered towards the end of the paraphrase to complete the first part of the Task Accuracy scoring section. That is:

- What is the reason?
- Should government support local film making?

Your non-response doesn't help to add to your score because, as the word connotes, it does not add information to the paragraph, leaving it less informative than it should have been in terms of TA considerations.

You are only being asked to provide one reason in the first reasoning paragraph. Had you done that, you would have been able to better represent your explanation of the main reason you see for the popularity of foreign films. At this point, you are only providing reasons, but not really explaining the relevance of the reason through the use of supporting statements and relevant examples.

The first half of your second reasoning paragraph is irrelevant. You should have had a relevant topic sentence at the start of that paragraph. The response should have properly started at the 4th paragraph and then worked in the other information that are currently at the start of the paper. You just used the wrong format in that presentation, which prevented the response from providing the expected format and discussion clarity based on the question provided.

Your concluding paragraph should not start with the generic reference to "In conclusion". You should use a more creative close. Maybe something like "So, people like to watch foreign films because... That is why governments should... By doing so, people should begin to watch more local films." Or something like that. Use 3 sentences that will properly refer to the original topic and the discussion points you provided.

Research Papers / The Risk of the Younger Generation with Technology - Rough Draft for peer review [2]

You have provided a good introduction and thesis statement for your research paper. It has a clear thesis, proper discussion presentation, and clear focus. However, your grammar skills need work. You have used English words improperly which have reduced the quality of your presentation. You can take this paper to your university writing center where you can request for help in polishing the paper. The errors are grammar related so it doesn't really require you to change your research information. What you have to do is make sure that the words used in the presentation are properly applicable to the sentences that you have developed. The paper itself is strong, as far as I am concerned. You did not give any specific review points for this paper so I am not sure what weaknesses I should be looking for so I am just pointing to the most obvious error in your paper, which mostly relate to sentence structure and word usage.

Writing Feedback / The fundamental capabilities of new workers such as interpersonal skills are often below standards [2]

It is incorrect to use the term "required standards" in your paraphrase of the phrase "lack basic interpersonal skills". There are no standards being mentioned so you have no basis for such a claim. Your paraphrase is therefore, inaccurate. You should have instead used the phrase "wanting in teamwork abilities", which would have been a closer rephrasing of the original phrase. Why couldn't you represent the causes and solutions that you were going to discuss in the reasoning paragraphs? You really would have scored better if you have provided direct responses to each question. It would have shown your English comprehension skills in a more relevant manner to the examiner.

Your paragraphs use too many word fillers. Since this is a time constraint task, you should always use a topic sentence instead of word fillers. Save the word count for a proper discussion of reasons instead of simply introductory statements. That does nothing for your overall score. There is a lack of coherence and cohesiveness in your reasoning paragraphs for 2 specific reasons:

- There is no clear connection between tertiary education and social media usage
- The solutions provided do not create a clear connection between the curriculum, extra curricular activities, and social media use

Your essay will suffer greatly in the cohesiveness and coherence scoring portion because of the improper development of your reasoning paragraphs.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 1 - Line graph: the figures for passenger railway journeys in the UK [4]

You have shown a highly creative approach to the presentation of the information from the line graph. You have successfully hooked the reader and informed the reader based on your initial / summary presentation. Try to avoid the use of words like "also" which makes it seem like you are adding information as an after thought. Always show each part of the information importance by giving it a direct reference. Kick it off with "While..." to show the clarity of your analysis based on that information.

You missed a period at the end of the last sentence in the second paragraph. It is important that you keep a uniform presentation throughout your essay. That means, stick to the 3-5 sentence presentation per paragraph. Your last paragraph only has 2 sentences, which are a bit confusing to read. Rather than using a comma, you could have framed the next set of information from the first sentence into 2 sentence presentations instead.

Writing Feedback / Work performance factors - Bar graph - IELTS writing task 1 [2]

Your summary overview is still too similar to the original presentation. It feels like you just moved words around hoping that you would be able to create a new presentation, without actually trying to come up with an original composition for that section. You could have at least tried to write:

A bar chart has been provided as a representation of a measurement conducted by the human resources department of a leading corporation. The focus of the analysis were workers aged 18-30 and 45-60. The subject covered information about circumstances that affect their job achievements.

You have to use different words from the original to allow the reviewer to properly score your Lexical Resource knowledge. When you stick to the same original keywords, you limit your ability to get a better score in that section. You have failed to use the measurement representations from the graph in your presentation to the full extent. Each of your paragraphs do not meet the minimum 3 sentence requirement. You need to make sure that meet the 3-5 sentence representation per paragraph. However, you should not overwrite in the paragraphs either. Just stick to a quick analysis of the given information. Otherwise, you will end up writing enough words for a task 2 essay instead. You already cut it close with 194 words in this essay, but your presentation is just wordy, not informative.

Scholarship / QuestBridge National College Match Essay: Biography - more about myself [2]

Your essay is very touching on a personal level. I learned a tremendous amount of information about your parents and their struggles and your relationship with them. However, the factors and challenges focused more on your parents rather than on yourself. While your parents should be a part of the story you are telling, the focus should be more on you and your visual impairment. The challenges you faced based on your situation and how they helped you overcome, even as they battled their own demons should be the actual focus of the presentation. That said, the second and third paragraph of this essay would be the best launching pad for your revised essay. Remember, you need to bring the discussion full circle, back to you. Everything that your parents encountered and overcame should not be brushed aside, however, it should not take up more than 20 percent of the presentation. This essay is still, first and foremost, about you and how your family life, in relation to your life experiences have helped you prepare for college.

Writing Feedback / Some people think the money spent on developing technology for space exploration is not justified [3]

You forgot that the minimum word requirement for the task 2 essay is 250 words. You wrote a mere 244 words. Just imagine how many percentage points will be deducted from the overall score just because you missed out on 6 words. Every scoring consideration counts so missing out on something as simple as the word count will really have an effect on your final score, regardless of how small the number of missing words are.

You have changed the prompt discussion requirements. By adding information that is not required in the original discussion instruction, you have created a prompt deviant essay. Please refer to the following to see how you changed the discussion parameters which have led to the essay no longer responding properly to the prompt / the response is not in the expected format:

OT: Some people think the money spent on developing technology for space exploration is not justified.
Reason: They are more beneficial ways to spend this money.
Question: To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Your version:
YT: There have been endless arguments about the amount of money spent on outer space research.
Reason: None provided based on the original discussion
Response: I support the view that the investments given to these works should be allocated for other problems on Earth
Deviation: I also agree that space exploration is essential and worth the cost.

There is only one question being asked: To what extent do you agree or disagree that the amount of money spent on space exploration is justified? If yes, why? If no, then how do you think the money should be spent to benefit others? Perhaps it is a response formatting problem. It is always better to refer to your extent response in the following manner, or variations of this response:

I agree with the given discussion based on the reason that...
I disagree with the statement to the extent that space exploration is essential and worth the cost.

You have to offer a clear singular response upon which your discussion paragraphs will be built. This is a single opinion essay so you have to show a clarity of your opinion and a clear singular side to defend in the presentation.

Writing Feedback / The proportion of male and female students studying six art-related subjects at a UK university [4]

In the summary overview, you should not selectively indicate the courses offered. You have to enumerate all of the courses as a part of the summary listing. You should also divide the first sentence into at least 3 sentence presentations because you are compressing all of the information into one sentence which makes it confusing for the reader to comprehend. If you divide the presentation into sentence topics, you will be able to provide a clearer summary overview in that section.

Try to involve the usage of the numerical data from the image. You have to bear in mind that you are filing a summarized report for a specific audience. That means you need to use as much relevant and related information as you can from the image so that the reader can get a specific mental picture of what you are describing. When you avoid using the digits from the presentation, the reader tends to get confused. Leaving them wondering about how the data actually relates to one another.

It would be beneficial to your essay if you provide completely developed discussion paragraphs. Your second paragraph could use a little more development in terms of information presentation. The third paragraph tends to use the comma for most of the presentation which means you are stringing along information into a single sentence, creating a confusing presentation yet again. The clarity of the task 1 essay relies on the information per sentence. One thought presentation per sentence helps to preserve the clarity of the discussion.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 1 - The line graph of Iranian, Greek and Turkish students at Sheffield University [4]

You have to fully utilize the data from the presentation. That means cite the figures early on in the presentation. Your report is lacking in information because you are just offering comparisons without basis. Your data is questionable as you do not refer to the actual measurements until almost the last part of your presentation. The figures have to be used throughout the essay, from beginning to end. Additionally, your comparisons do not pay any attention to the overlapping information from the middle of 2006 and the start of 2007. These are the most obvious figures in the presentation so I am wondering why you failed to discuss this information in an essay that asks you to make comparisons where relevant. Those overlapping measurements most certainly fall under the important comparison points. Those are the 2 sections that will actually show your analytical ability and help you score better in the C&C section.

Undergraduate / Moving homes obstacle essay for common app [2]

Well, this is certainly a well written essay. However, I am not sure if you wrote this for the common app prompt about obstacles of, if you developed this as a personal prompt concerning a particular moment in your life. As an essay based on the obstacles prompt, I would have to say there is a missing element. That of how you overcame the obstacle and what you learned about overcoming it in relation to your life or outlook about your future. If this is meant to be a response to a personally developed theme, then it only requires a little proof reading so that you can correct some grammar errors (using "And" to start a sentence, etc.) before you use it in your application. Overall, the essay is good as a personal themed discussion. If that is the case, then don't forget to give it a relevant title so that the reviewer will know what the point of the essay is. If it is for the obstacle prompt, then refer to the missing parts that could help better illustrate your discussion.

Writing Feedback / Unsupervised social media usage by youngsters is dangerous. Discuss problem & suggest solutions. [5]

Hi, I am worried about your over writing in this essay. The normal length of the essay is anywhere from 275-290 words. That is to allow time for proof reading and finalization of the presentation. Proof reading and finalization means that you should review your draft before the time is up for this writing section. Perfecting the content to the most minimal of errors in each scoring section. In this case, you failed to proof your draft before submission. That is why you left several errors in the grammar, cohesiveness, and coherence section of the scoring rubic.

Now, I am not sure if you are responding correctly to this essay prompt because you left an unclear title and no actual reference to the instructions and topic within your paraphrase. Since there are several prompts referring to the internet in the practice essays, I will not touch on your discussion of these sections. I will however, focus on the length of your essay and your inability to proofread your essay for mistakes. Never consider your first version the complete and correct version. Always review, revise, edit, and finalize before submission. You do not have to write a long essay, you don't get extra points for that. You get extra points for submitting an almost error free to totally error free essay. The aim is not length, it is least number of writing mistakes. Once you understand the importance of editing in your tasks, you will be able to write essays that will have an above average score.

Writing Feedback / Drinks containing sugars have gained increasing popularity among young people [4]

You should not be stating a fact by saying "it is true" in the paraphrase since there is no instruction asking you to prove the truthfulness of the claim. You should simply restate it as simply as you can, based on the original wording. Your first paragraph also fails to respond directly to the questions provided by giving the discussion topics for the 2 reasoning paragraphs, which will be based on connected reasons and relevant solutions as required by the questions posed. This creates a lack of clarity in your discussion presentation as there is no outline provided for the 2 reasoning paragraphs.

Rather than using ordinals for your connection of the 2 reasons, show your grammar range by using a transition sentence instead. The use of a transition sentence will help increase the C&C section of your score as it will show that you are capable of connecting 2 topics in one paragraphs using a commonality between the two. I would caution you against under developing your second reason as that translates into an under developed paragraph. Since you are allotted 5 sentences per paragraph, you can create the connected discussion by doing the following instead:

Sentence 1: First topic sentence
Sentence 2: Explanation for the topic
Sentence 3: Transition sentence for the second topic (connect it to the first sentence topic)
Sentence 4: Example that combines topic 1 and 2
Sentence 5: Explanation that proves the relationship of both topics to the discussion question provided.

The under development of the 2nd reason is a problem that exists in both your reasoning paragraphs. It would do you well to use the format I am suggesting to help you better represent a well developed discussion.

Your summary conclusion is incorrect. There is no data reminding the reader of the original topic, reasoning discussions, and possible solutions. You have to repeat the information in short form, clearly. Do not be vague about it as you do so now.

Scholarship / My three university choice on Public Relations Major (Study Plan Essay Chevening) [2]

The main problem with your presentation is that you are presenting an unwarranted backstory in the opening presentation. This type of essay response requires you to be highly specific in each paragraph with regards to the basis of your interest in the course and ability to follow the course curriculum of the university.

Every university needs its own paragraph. Each paragraph must state the following:
- A description of your undergraduate courses that have helped prepare you for these studies (foundational courses).
- How your undergraduate studies have applied to your current work duties and responsibilities ( current job description in relation to the masters course)
- Your current duties and responsibilities as it applies to the course choice. Be definite about how the current work experience applies to the course
- Future application in relation to career plans.

Chevening requires their students to prove that they have had a successful educational and career path so far in relation to your future plans. This is your chance to show the reviewer that you have prepared all your undergraduate and professional life for this scholarship. That is why they require that all the students have a well rounded education that creates a clear career path for them based upon educational attainment in the past, current professional experience, and future academic and career advancement.

Writing Feedback / The value of one's country exports - IELTS - CAM 14 [3]

You have not accurately recognized the images provided. You only mis-identify one of the two images. The two images are a bar graph in relation to export earnings and, a 2 column chart identifying the percentage change in values. This makes your information presentation inaccurate, incomplete, and questionable. When you discuss the information in each paragraph, you should identify which of the 2 images the information comes from. Remember, the audience will not have access to the images. At least, that is the implication for the Task 1 essay. So for each paragraph, find a creative way of referring to the image before the information to allow the reader to understand that the information presented is coming from a different image. Otherwise, your presentation becomes confusing. Which is exactly what happened in this presentation.

Scholarship / The possibilities for the brain - Questbridge Topical Essay - curiosity [3]

You should realign the paragraphs. You can make it more interesting if you reorganize the paragraphs to have a more relevant hook, go into the contemplation, then the discussion. So, I was thinking something along the lines of (paragraph arrangement) 2,3,1, 4, 5. Do not go with any other form for your discussion. This personalized relevance is what the reviewer will be most interested in. Comparing the brain to the ocean would be overkill for this discussion. Always keep it close to home. Prove relevance on a personal foundation to create impressive relevance in the discussion. The essay has relevant content. I would not add or remove anything from your presentation. Like I said, it only needs a better presentation format. Rearranging the paragraphs can help you accomplish that.

Scholarship / The Stanford Medical Youth Program - Questbridge - proudest achievement [2]

You went a bit over the 200 word limit for this essay so you will need to revise it for word count aside from content. You don't really need to include the announcement from the email. Simply state it as a fact in the essay. What is missing in this presentation is a reference to the growth that you experienced over the summer that you participated in this program. It has to say something about you.

While you can tell the reviewer about what the course entailed, that doesn't tell him anything about your development as a person, and how this event prepared you for college. It would be better if you discuss your excitement at being asked to participate in the program within the first paragraph then, focus on what you learned about yourself based on the following, in relation to the program:

- How you deal with stress under pressure
- How you manage to learn in an e-learning setting
- What personal or academic obstacle you had to overcome to complete this program
- What you learned about yourself because of everything you had to surpass so you could graduate from the program successfully

If you can compress these information into the second paragraph, then you will have a pretty solid response to present for this prompt. Best of luck to you !

Writing Feedback / Keeping 21st century wild animals safe and sound [2]

You have written a 344 word essay. The time allotment for this essay task is 40 minutes. Normally, this time frame would allow a student to write between 275-290 words. I am amazed you were able to write so many words for this task. However, I am not impressed by the large number of writing errors you made in this presentation. Repeated errors in grammar, vocabulary usage, coherence and cohesiveness all add up to prevent you from gaining a passing score.

While you did well in the prompt restatement, your use of metaphors are out of place. You should only use metaphors in non-academic writing. Since this is a clear academic discussion, you should use only related examples to avoid any confusion in relation to your discussion development. Avoid the use of slang English words such as "tons".

Your second paragraph is confusing to read. You went from discussing a circus to discussing bees, without using transition sentences or references. There is a clear lack of proper paragraph development, problematic reasoning presentation, and a lack of discussion direction. To solve this problem, you must use only one topic per paragraph or, use a clear transition that will connect one discussion topic to the next. However, the transition should be supported by examples that provide clarity on the connection of the two discussion topics.

Scholarship / The Dutch and Mexican culture - Personal Statement for GKS Undergraduate scholarship [3]

Do not just outline your accomplishments and achievements. You have to pick the most notable ones and discuss these. The accomplishments and achievements must support your character and conduct as a student and member of the community. It should attest to your maturity as an individual ready for college overseas, in a country where you do not know the language. It should highlight your ability to get along with people. Mere participation will not be enough in this case. Participation is like saying "I can do this, but I can't prove it". The reviewer will be looking for solid achievements and recognition. That means, you did not only participate, but you actually won as well. Otherwise, anybody can claim to be a participant. It is not impressive because it is not a recognized and verifiable accomplishment.

What do these programs mean? Why are these important to you? What does it prove? Why should participation be considered more important than actually awarded and recognized achievements? Your essay is too long for this presentation. You may want to consider shortening it. The most number of paragraphs for this essay is actually 5. This is 4 paragraphs too long. Say what you have to say quickly. The reviewer will not have enough time to read such a long essay. Make sure you make your point easily. Write an essay that will provide information to your reviewer with a mere scan of the essay. Don't make him work too hard to find the needed information. That is what the prompt requirements were for.

Writing Feedback / Three different crimes and the number of cases committed between 1970 and 2005 [4]

In your numerical presentation, you should use the actual figures from the image because you are scored on information accuracy. That means 0.4 is different from 0.40. Since you are filing a report, the figures must be accurately representative of the given data. You should also aim to use more academic sounding words instead of just using basic English for the presentation. Always consider the audience of your report and word it accordingly. In this instance, you could have used more formal language and also, added more analysis to the information provided. While there is no right or wrong method of writing the presentation, you must consider the formality of the report in your writing. This feels too juvenile in presentation. You were afraid to actually study the information beyond what could easily be seen. A better scoring Task 1 essay always considers a comprehensive information presentation attuned to the audience it was written for.

Graduate / MS Business Analytics - Why is the next logical step? What will you gain? [3]

The response focuses on name dropping notable graduates and faculty of the university for some reason. Merely name dropping these people will not help your application. Most universities frown in students who try to use undue influence in their admissions process. So not mentioning popular names would be helpful to your application as opposed to mentioning these people, who will most likely not be giving you a recommendation anyway.

You have to revise the content of your presentation. You should still use 2 paragraphs for the response but, present different information within each paragraph. Speak of two specific things. Your personal goals for studying the course in relation to a future career promotion or something else (one paragraph) and, your academic goals in relation to your professional advancement (one paragraph). Relate each paragraph to something specific from the program. This can be an internship or other skills enhancement activity (academic goals), or network development (personal goals in relation to career advancement).

The reviewer wants to know that you are truly familiar with the academic and social offerings of the program. He needs to see how you came to the decision that the university program is best suited to your needs. You have to prove that through the justifications you provide in this essay presentation.

Scholarship / Chevening - Leadership essay - what have I achieved as a leader [2]

The essay does show influencing abilities. However, being elected president by default us not leadership. This poses a problem when you claim to be both an influencer and a leader. You have glossed over too many situations that could have proven an academic leadership foundation. Sadly, your leadership and influencing skills seem to not have progressed beyond that aspect. If you wish to show your leadership development then do it from 3 aspects. Academic, social, and professional. This essay isn't a representation of those 3 aspects that could have probably proven your development as a leader and influencer. You still have time to revise the essay. Try to show true leadership and influencing moments in your life. Focus heavily on the professional aspect if possible.

Scholarship / PERSONAL STATEMENT GKS 2021 UNDERGRADUATE [2]

You have only given the brainstorming information that you developed. This is nowhere near an academic essay that reflects the personal statement requirements of the GKS program for undergraduates. Let me outline the expansions for you:

Motivation: You have not given information about the course you want to pursue. Discuss the course you are interested in, how Korea has influenced this decision and what you look forward to experiencing in relation to your studies of this course in Korea. For example, if you are interested in architecture, then say you are motivated to study in Korea because of the ultra modern designs their architects are coming up with. Consider mentioning a notable Korean architect who may have been an influence upon you.

You totally forgot to discuss your family background. They need to learn something about your family and their influence on you. Discuss a little of the notable accomplishments of your parents that have made an impression on you and influenced your desire to become a success in this career you have chosen.

Expand on your education discussion. You don't really explain and depict any accomplishments in this aspect that can be considered of note to the reviewer. You need to make sure that you highlight your successes as a student and community member. The academic and extra curricular discussion practically go hand in hand and those are missing from your presentation.

Your work is severely lacking. It is incomplete to the point that it cannot be considered more than a brainstorm. It is nowhere near being a draft version of the essay you are expected to present.

Scholarship / Chevening - Studying in UK Essay (The aim of studying is not only to obtain a scientific degree) [2]

The Chevening Scholarship will look for the connection of your current work, your past and present work experience, with the the courses you have chosen to study. You have to explain how these courses will be of use to you in the advancement of your career. The solid undergraduate foundation courses will come into play for this part of the essay requirements. You have failed to show a foundation in your undergraduate course. There is no justification that you were prepared by your current job requirements for any of the courses you have chosen. While you are speaking of intellectual advancement for yourself in the courses, Chevening will be looking for an explanation as to how your chosen course will benefit mostly, the field of expertise you are interested in. How will you apply your studies to the Oil industry in your country as a lecturer? How will you be able to apply your studies to the field of work? It is not just about knowledge transference. It is more about knowledge applicability to helping improve that field of work in your country, through your personal application of what you will be learning. Without a strong foundation in your undergraduate course, and relevant work experience, you will not be able to compete.

You are mistaken if you think Chevening is an ordinary scholarship. They are looking not for people who are only interested in studying, but for people who can raise the profile of the scholarship foundation through their network, potential as a future leader in their field of work, and ability to make a difference in their country through the betterment of their field of work. This is not a simple masters degree scholarship. It is not aimed at people with only moderate accomplishments. It is not meant for students looking to suddenly change their professional field. This is for people who already have established careers in their country, of somewhat notable achievement, with relevant academic background, and have proven potential as developing leaders in their country. You have not shown any of that in any of your application essays.

Almost all of the students that I have helped to get this scholarship get in. Those that do not, bear similar qualifications as yourself. I am not saying you will not make it as an applicant. What I am saying, is that it will be a difficult road for you before you achieve your desire to get this scholarship. It is highly competitive and focused on training already emerging leaders of other countries whose educational background, work experience, and network are already established and useful to both themselves and the scholarship members who all function within related fields of work.

Scholarship / I am potential leader and influencer in the future - CHEVENING ESSAY [3]

This essay has information in it that, when properly formatted and written, might be able to show your potential as a leader and influential person in your home country. Unfortunately, the horrible translation from your mother tongue to English is what is preventing this essay from properly representing your skills as a leader and influencer. What you need is not a review of your work but a professional editing service. You may want to contact us through our email address in the home page for professional writing and editing help. As of now, this essay cannot be revised simply on the basis of the original content. The grammar is too bad and the content lacks clarity. There is no clear presentation of information throughout the essay. I cannot help you revise this paper through the open access forum / board at this point.

Writing Feedback / Should young people have the obligation to volunteer for community service when they are available? [4]

In the opening paraphrase, you should add another 2 sentences that outline your discussion topic. Give the reason for your response as:

However... work. Consider that teenagers face academic obligations that take most of their time, leaving almost no time for them to rest. Society may not benefit from their volunteer service because of the academic stress they face daily.

When you give an outline of the discussion topics, you respond directly to the questions being given in the essay. These are requirements under the TA section because it shows the clarity and support you have for your single opinion within the presentation.

Your first reasoning paragraph is well developed, uses good examples, and provides a clear explanation of the reasons and examples provided. It is a good explanation for your opposition to the suggested community service.

However, the second paragraph that explains why society will not benefit from community service is either ill formatted in this presentation or, you accidentally hit the enter button before you should have. It appears that you have 2 separate paragraphs in response to that question, with neither paragraph being properly developed and explained. It weakened the essay presentation. If you had combined the 2 paragraphs and at the same time, provided a relevant example to illustrate, then this paragraph would have been as well presented as the first, thus boosting your C&C and TA score in the process. That is too bad. It had the potential to be an above average scoring essay. That chance was ruined by the improperly presented second reasoning paragraph.

Your discussion summary / concluding paragraph is a not an effective presentation. It is only a long sentence that does not reiterate the previous discussion points as required by that paragraph format. There is a topic presentation but no reasoning presented in response to the questions (short form presentations of the topic sentences), and no repeat of your personal opinion as required by the presentation.