Undergraduate / "survived the emotional baggage" - why i am a great candidate for FIT [5]


This part confused me. Did you just start comparing yourself to it? It lost me a little.

That intro is awesome, though. And then you tell the reader, "Count to ten." How poignant! Very cool...


Okay, your writing is brilliant. It's a real advantage. I would rather be a geek who writes well. Well, yeah... that is what I am, ha ha. But this think with the years and then the date here... they do not get processed the same way as everything else when the reader takes them in. Just giving a year or date does not draw them in. Use headings with imagery words and action verbs. :-)

Undergraduate / "Guatemalan household" - Art Institute Admissions - Major: Culinary Arts [5]


I don't think this is the best word for the occasion.

After absorbing all the information like a sponge, I started cooking for myself.-----I don't know if this sentence is necessary. Less is more. Maybe you can leave this sentence out and let the reader discern for herself what you mean. Go straight into this sentence: I started off with basics such as...

I have all the passion for it but no academic knowledge or technique. ---This is refreshing candor. Great job!

Since I'd be the first person in my immediate family to go through college I've had no one who can could really teach me everything about cooking.

Very persuasive. This one is a winner! And if they don't accept you, it's their loss.

Graduate / "the cement or the ceramic industry" - STUDIES IN CLAY SCIENCE [3]


Should this say Advanced instead of Advance?

The basic challenges to our society require civil engineering talent to increase in importance.

This should not be capitalized: ...to pursue my graduate studies through...

Don't say "I believe." It is always a weak approach to writing a sentence: I believe that Studies in this field require logical and analytical thinking, problem solving ability, new concepts , and consistent effort

I also as well look forward to exchanging my Cultural cultural experiences, tradition and practices with students in Europe and from other countries.

:-) You are very impressive, Liza!!

Undergraduate / "Through drawing" - SAIC Artist Statement [5]


Ah! I don't like this intro. I'm sorry to be a negative Nancy. Drawing takes physical things and puts them in a 2-dimensional world. Well, also, it takes your intangible ideas and ... well, actually, yeah, you are right! I was thinking wrong. Ha ha... but I still don't really like it. I mean, it is sort of... a fancy way to say something obvious.

Right here!! This is the good part:
I feel the need to explain myself but can never find the words to do so, and drawing gives me a way to show the world what goes on in my mind. ---I would like it a lot if this sentence was the first sentence of the essay. It has real energy. All the other stuff... it's stuff everyone knows about are. But this sentence is special. It really shows your own unique way of thinking.

:-)

Writing Feedback / lot of people migrate to mega cities,reasons and the way to prevent the trend. [10]


Ha ha, you are a good host.

ONLY capitalize the first word of a sentence.

It has been around forty years since migration to metropolises is the main concern of governments.---This sentence has a strange form. I will suggest a different form below:

For about forty years, migration has been a major concern of governments.-----I think this is simpler and clearer.

In conclusion, I do believe government is accountable for such trends, and unless the country's budget is spent efficiently in villages, this trend will rise significantly.

:-)

Writing Feedback / IELTS ADVERTISING- POSITIVE OR NEGATIVE PART OF OUR LIVES [7]

Many believe that advertising has brought great benefits to lives. Therefore, it should be considered a positive activity while others have held a completely different...

For example, customers of telecommunication services will have an idea about the current offers of different companies and hence they can compare them and then have a better decision in choosing their internet or mobile phone plans.----Wow, this sentence is constructed in an excellent way. You are a master of language. Capitalize Internet, though.

I don't like the way you wrote "more supported" at the end. I think you should revise that. But overall, this is some great writing!

Writing Feedback / Ships Ahoy -- floundering marriages [25]


Ha ha, maybe this is one of my all-time favorite sentences...

You are a mysterious one, Rajiv! Ha ha, I really don't understand this piece. You gloomed my day a little, though, so thanks a lot!

Anyway, my previous conversations with you made me aware that you share my perspective on this meaningful-meaningless ride. What is worth remembering? Certainly not my foolish antics, mistakes, or the successes that inflated my ego to the point where it encumbered me. But when I shed that conceptual gunk my person has used to build an artificial identity for the fleeting form, I'll be you again, and I'll really know your experience.

For now, I just have to sort of guess... based on your mysterious writing.

Ever gotten involved with the work of Kahlil Gibran? You remind me a little of his style.

Undergraduate / "Old Farms Road" - williams - you're looking out a window at an environment [4]


Hi Nicole, this sentence is incomplete!

Divide this into 3 paragraphs. That will make it much stronger. Each paragraph can begin with a topic sentence that clearly expresses one of the important ideas you are discussing.

After you divide it into paragraphs, you might be able to easily figure out which sentence to cut to get it down to 300 words.

When I write, I try to make each paragraph about 100 words. Well, not always.... but usually. :-)

Book Reports / How Great the Ateneo - La Salle Rivalry is [4]

Glad to have you at EF, paranoiaagent! I think you should cite a few research studies, books, or articles in this essay. That will give it some real power in its punch.

Capitalize Internet.

Instead of between, how about among? :-)


Agreed. "inspire to try..."
inspiring into... sounds awkward.


This is the last sentence of the first paragraph, so it is supposed to be the most meaningful sentence of the essay. However, maybe this is a little too obvious. Google this: arguable thesis

You can make your main idea a little more "arguable." :-)

Our rivals rivalries aren't just our competitions.

Another thing is that it's not just all about bashing other schools and insulting them. ---I don't think this is another thing. I think it is the same as the main idea of the essay. Also, you can usually find a noun that is more descriptive than "thing," and it will make the essay wicked cool by adding specificity. :-)

I've seen so many much of it even before...

:-)

Undergraduate / Personal Statement: Running and Learning [5]


No! I just meant that I was impressed with the wisdom that underlies this idea you expressed. :-)

About the journal articles, it's like this: When I write, I feel like I am just making up stuff that has no substance... Like you, I write well and have good ideas, but I feel that an essay like this is incomplete until I cite some research or mention current events. By doing this... well, it's like adding nuts to the candy bar. But if you are alergic to nuts, disregard this advice, ha ha.

Anyway, you are already impressive. I just wanted to suggest looking at some articles and then looking again at the essay... and see what different ideas you get.

Undergraduate / "Judging an individual instantaneously" - Significant experiences/accomplishments [7]


Ha ha, you seem to be a fun, clever new member to our community, Jazielle! Nice to meet you.

Faustine, welcome! I'm admiring you, too.

Remember this rule for the verb tense:
Since XXXX, I have been...
Since my freshmen days, I have been involved...

involved to different organizations ... involved in different organizations...

I never believed my goals are were too high to reach.

I am always positive that, someday, I'll be the person I want myself to be. The accomplishment I always consider the best is leading others and, of course, serving.---beautiful!! I added some commas, though.

Hey, I want you to be more specific about your goals. What is your plan? Tell us a little about your specific service goals.

Writing Feedback / Sex education should be a compulsory part of the secondary curriculum [5]

Keep it in the past tense:
In bygone days, many people regarded sex as a taboo suject and refrained...

However,with the sexual problem seeing the red light is becoming more important among adolescents, so the pendulum seems to have swung the other way.

People are becoming more comfortable to talk sex talking about sex now and suggest that sex education should be a compulsory part of the secondary curriculum. In this essay, I would like to examine the pros and cons about the suggestion, and I will argue that ____________________ (State your argument).

With the news about young girls becoming unmarried mothers,teenagers perfroming indulging in one-night stands, people in their early teens being infected with AIDS, etc., it is imperative to put sex education into a compulsory part of the secondary curriculum.

****HIT THE SPACE BAR after ever period and comma.
Our younger generation, is ...

sexually-open yet sexually-ignorant---clever phrase!!

Do not say topic matter. Say SUBJECT MATTER.
First of all, students may still suffer from embarrassment or become excitable by the subject matter. This can cause for out-of-control classrooms if students take to giggling or making inappropriate remarks.---Yes! It is a hard class to teach!

This is a direct correlation to the fact that there are no grades or scores to be derived from class.---Well, I suppose that means they should be graded.

I think you should give a sentence to explain why the pros outweigh the cons. :-) This is great English writing!!

Writing Feedback / Ielts - use of nuclear technology should be discouraged even for civil purposes [4]

Welcome to EF!! I'm glad you are enjoying the sight. Thanks for posting!


Be careful of little typos.

Hey, your first sentence is very well-constructed!

This unfortunate event proves that no matter how much careful we are such accidents are unevitable.---No need for MUCH. Leave it out. Just like this:

No matter how much deep the water is, I am going swimming!

:-) You don't need much help!! This kind of writing seems easy for you. Well done!

Graduate / My career goal/objectives - MBA in strategic management. [4]

Do not use those parentheses.

My career goal is become a great business man.-----I think this is not a career goal. You cannot become a great businessperson unless you read some case studies of businesses and MAKE A PLAN. No plan, no success. Do you know how to write a business plan? You had better start a small, part time business right now if you want to be a winner. :-)

because i don't like a office job,because a office job was required minimum six work... ---They do not want to hear any of this. Do you have any goals? Did you set any deadlines for yourself? Tell them what kind of business you want to do, and tell them about successful business strategists whom you admire. Tell them about a book you have ben reading... perhaps you have been reading Blue Ocean Strategy.

Be specific, and have a plan! :-)

Writing Feedback / Working moms cause problems in the society - ILETS [7]

Well, if you have a question, you can ask us! :-)

Graduate / Motivation letter for getting a place in good university,for persuing master's degree [8]

Hi there!
Sorry for the delay. Capitalize the name of the course:
I have taught her four theory courses: "Basic Electronics Engineering," "Semi-conductor Devices and Circuits," "Analog Integrated Circuits," and "Electronic Product Design."

No need for a hyphen:
On an interpersonal level, she has endeared herself to her...

Put a space after the comma:
Further,I admire ...

master's degree

The second one is very well-written!!!!

:-) Good luck, friend.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL:Government should regard investing in building roads as the most important [5]

Whe you take the toefl, only use words you are sure you know how to use:

Many countries have suffered from pollution, noisy noise, and injuries for a long time because of automobiles.

From my perspective, the most possible solution to these problems is improving roads and highways because of three below crucial reasons.

Not only buses but also other personal vehicles can move easily on the roads.----Wow!! You have excellent command of English.

You did so well with this essay! Much of it is better than even the work of a professional writer.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL-people should have hobbies and do physical activities [4]


No, this is not the question. The question is whether or not people should have hobbies and do physical activities are different from their work.

Looking at the computer screen all day long can put us in a daze, so doing some sports and hobbies can prevent us from becoming too fat or short-sighted.

****When you say TOO MUCH, use 2 o's. Use tooooo many o's. See what I mean? The word too has 2 o's if it means TOO MUCH.

My neighbor Tom once was a computer engineer in a big company. He ate fast food everyday and never went out to exercise. When he found out that he was too fat to find a girlfriend, he made up his mind to loose lose weight.

Use the past tense:
He started to jog every morning. After a moth month, he was thinner and found a girlfriend.

Last, we should develop at least one personal hobby, not to show off, but express our emotion when we feel depressed or pressured. Playing musical instruments is a good way. I can play classical guitar. ---I made it 2 sentences.

When I meet difficulties in studies, I will take my guitar and play the song Green Sleeves. ---I think that is the same music for a Christian song called "What Child is This?"

:-) great job, keep practicing.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL - the main point is to be sure if we can pay a loan or not [7]


It seems like money can do anything, even can harm friendship!---I corrected the grammar.

It's not money that does harm. It's fear. Having money alleviates fear. If you are fearless, money cannot ruin your friendships.

:-)

Undergraduate / My Statement of Purpose for UT Austin for Petroluem Engineering Program [3]


You write very well! I am impressed...

It made me feel smart and capable to do the work. (after this sentence, I think you should give a few sentences about a specific goal you want to accomplish through your work. Give the reader a glimpse of the future.

Keep the verb tense the same:
When I arrived in the United States I discovered that my college diploma from Italy has had no value.

I was told that in order to obtain a bachelor degree I first have had to obtain a qualified associate degree.

I think you give too many details about the story. Keep the interesting details, but omit the unimportant ones. Make more room to express to the reader your short term goals and plans. Show the reader what you will accomplish if you are accepted into the program.

:-)

Graduate / My motivation in becoming a physician assistant- personal narrative [2]

Hi Sarah, welcome! I am going to be tough on you and make obnoxious suggestions:

My interest in the medical field had begun at a very young age as I visited my cousin one memorable summer in Wisconsin. I hate it when these essays start out by saying, "I have always been..." or "Since a young age..." The AO reader does not want to hear that anymore.

While most children our age would spend the summer outside in the beautiful warm weather, we my cousin and I spent our time in and out of the frightening yet intriguing hospital.

Now, this is better, but I feel offended that you make such a broad generalization about children.

Watch this awesome brevity:
My cousin and I spent our time in and out of the frightening-yet-intriguing hospital. My cousin was born with an extremely rare disease called methylmalonic acidemia in which her life expectancy was only expected to reach the age of twelve. As I would ...---Now it is a good introduction.

Okay, excellent job. I am sure you will also learn various specializations... what do you like? Herbal medicine? Massage therapy? Nutrition? I think you have an adventure ahead of you. Come to think of it, I would like to be in a healthcare profession, too! I think I might just go do a career change. Thanks for inspiring me!

Please do something for me... think about what the future may hold for you.
healthcarejobs411.com/types-of-doctors.html
You seem to have a lot of potential, because you are what they call a "methodical thinker." Good storyteller, too. Welcome to EssayForum.

Writing Feedback / Toefl: Children should learn to handle money - benefits for the whole society. [12]

In conclusion, letting children manage their own money will not only benefit children's lives but also benefit the whole society.
In conclusion, letting children manage their own money will not only benefit children's lives, but it will also benefit the whole society.

Both of the above are correct.
Look at the small difference. The second one is a compound sentence. This is a complex topic. Don't worry! People use commas differently; it is a matter of writing style. I like the style taught by strunk and white.

:-)

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Space Exploration, money should be spent on? 'few compulsory drawbacks' [2]

As the competition between developed countries has become frequent, they try to build a reputation by means of exploration into the space. -----Great sentence!

In recent years, there arises as a controversial issue of whether spending that...

It is not rare to see the reluctant numbers of deprived countries in which our human kind suffer from hunger and other varieties of diseases. that should be taken drastic action for their welfare . --------I think your sentences are too long. Your English is great, but when you make a long sentence you are likely to have a small error. In speech and in writing, use short sentences. Readers respond better to short sentences. We like brevity. :-)

Some expects narrate explain that the technological innovations like telemedicine, which was originally intended for treating astronauts in space with rapid progress, has been applied to enable doctors to communicate with patients in inaccessible parts of the world.

:-) Keep practicing! You have deep understanding of English, but a few mistakes still creep into the essay.

Writing Feedback / IELTS> "Employees working at home" contribute benefits to employers? [3]

Plural:
...by their beloved family members may...

encourage the employees to produce get more work done.

... approaches to modern working pattern work seem to ...

Use hyphens:
face-to-face

Great job! You have a talent for language. This language is so complex. I think you should keep it simple for now. Complex language is not good to use, but because you are ABLE to use it I am sure you will find a lot of success.

Writing Feedback / Better place to live is a big city; more opportunities [4]

try to keep the numbers consistent (i.e. singular and plural):
The places we live are important parts of our lives. in are an important part of out lives.

The jobs that he was getting were blue collar jobs, and he did not wanted to do those jobs, since an advance thought was shaped by his degree during his degree program he was assured that he would get a good job after its completion.

do not use ALTHOUGH with BUT. Just use one or the other, but do not use both in the sentence.
ALTHOUGH you can use either of those words, but be sure not to use both.
Although he earned money with that business, but not the way he liked.

...a big city also keep matter in people lives.----Good point!!!!

:-) I agree! Cities are cool.

Undergraduate / "Journey to understand the misfortunate"- UC COMMON APP [3]

Forty-niners may have abandoned the rivers, but gold is still plentiful -- not under the clear, glistening streams, but in the core of San Francisco.----I had to put these 2 sentences together or one of them would have been an incomplete sentence.

The weeks leading up to our mission to San Francisco were one full of confusion and conflicts.

With an empty bucket and a sandwich in hand, he...

As I trudged nervously, heart pounding, across the street, I wanted this to be over quickly .

But a joyous and

Capitalization, punctuation:
...we really learn concepts like, "Don't judge a book by its cover."

In the end, I discovered gold. It was not the physical or priceless...

:-)

Writing Feedback / (IELTS) The purpose of university education [6]

Add at least 2 sentences to that first paragraph. Choose an argument, and make it. Mention both views, and then give a sentence that tells the MAIN IDEA YOU WANT TO SHARE WITH THIS ESSAY.

Always use OF with this expression:
A large majority of people...

In contract,????? the basic knowledge ...

The most important paragraph in any essay is the first paragraph. Make sure it has at least 2 or 3 sentences. Sum up your main idea in that paragraph.

:-)

Writing Feedback / (IELTS) Will business and cultural contact cause countires lose identities? [4]


This is a bad question. It makes no sense. It should not say DO YOU AGREE OR DISAGREE? It should say, WHICH ARGUMENT SEEMS CORRECT TO YOU?

Here is my most important advice for you: Add a REASON to your first paragraph:
From my perspective, the advantages of increased cooperation and communication outweigh the disadvantages, because ___________________________________(sum up the reason.)

Then, use the rest of the essay to explain your reason in detail and give examples.

Your writing style is very sophisticated! I think the ietls is the least of your worries. :-)

Writing Feedback / Ships Ahoy -- floundering marriages [25]


As I type this, I have not yet read what you wrote, but I wanted to mention at the outset that you already cleared this up. I discovered that you are not the type of man who thinks a woman should not have a career. So, that is good!


Yes, and the difference with humans is that we can transcend our evolved tendencies and have freedom to jump from one role to another.


Sounds like you are saying we should mimic the animals, but I am a humanist, so I don't take my cues from animals.


Yes, too often historically, the woman has needed to grudgingly take up the role of the homemaker even when she wanted to pursue a career. So far, I am with you!


Sounds here like you are saying the animal tendency to act in a way that has withstood the process of natural selection should provide a foundation, and you are putting the burden on the woman to hesitate before taking a career. But like you said, our world makes it possible for women to be as effective as men and serve, for example, as the president of a nation. With less testosterone, she is less prone to get into unnecessary conflicts. So, I hope to soon have a female president.


Nothing. Men have been discarding women since the beginning of humanity.


Yep... usually, when I argue with my girlfriend, I discover that she was the more sensible one all along. This is true not only in matters of the home. Truth be told, the reason I am a feminist is that after studying the biological differences between the genders, I have to conclude that women and men are both crazy but that women are crazy in a way that tends toward sensitivity and nurturing. So... women are the good leaders.

Anywa,y since we are on the subject, what about that question? I assume based on what you said here that you would advise a female med school student to find a husband who is wise enough to leave traditional gender roles behind.

Thanks Rajiv!

Dissertations / Need help on security issues on cloud computing research topic [25]

Well... the most important thing is that you have your search term. Search your school library database for "cloud computing."

You are going to have to read as many articles as you can find. Remember that every article has one main idea. Skim to that idea, and write a sentence about it. Make it your own knowledge. Cite the source.

Keep this process very simple. You are not the only person confused about cloud computing. Everyone in your field wants to understand it, and they have to find scholarly journal articles about it.

Do you have a subscription to a professional journal that deals with this subject?

Jump into your study, and if your limited English makes it hard to understand a sentence in an article, ask us about the sentence here at EssayForum.

I'm glad you joined our community!

Student Talk / How to improve English writing? Learning through reading. [130]

Use brevity. Let the reader wonder. Let the reader figure some things out on her own. Write a mysterious sentence, the kind of thing Yoda would say.

Pack a hard punch by using the fewest words possible to get the job done.

Most importantly, get a copy of Strunk and White (Elements of Style), and when you have questions about some of their ideas, ask your questions here at EssayForum.

Essays / Key incidents and characterisation in "The Curious Incident ..." [6]

I don't know if I can improve on that great presentation from Ana, but I want to add a simple rule that helps me a lot. This is very, very simple.

Each paragraph begins with a topic sentence. Then, add explanations, examples, elaboration. Write a paragraph about any topic you want to mention.

Each paragraph is like a building block for the essay, and it has to be about that main idea in the topic sentence.

If you do that, you can make sure you write a paragraph about every concept that needs to be covered, and then switch them around into a sequence that makes a great presentation.

Just write one paragraph for now. One paragraph at a time!

Writing Feedback / "Brand is Me"--About myself as if I'm a brand [2]

Yes, if the first part would be a complete sentence on it's own, then you separate the 2 halves of the compound sentence with a comma. Look at Strunk and White for that one.

Ana, maybe they should get rid of me and give you my moderator position!


I am a girl, who lives in a busy city that never sleeps called Tokyo. I am always surrounded by neon lights, tall buildings and trends; I am definitely a city girl. I attended the International School of Sacred Heart in Tokyo from third grade. I could not speak any English at all but I eventually improved so This part does not answer the question.

I am bilingual now. During my nine years of a student life at an international school, I am confident to .... this part is better!

To make it short, I am stubborn.---Haha, clever...

3. What is your vision for your brand? What do you envision for your career?
I want my brand to be outstanding and shining. No no, these are just simple adjectives. You need to have a plan. You need to know what you want to accomplish in this world. Do you know what I mean? Make a plan.

I am not sure what kind of car I am today but if I succeed to become myself that I want to be in the future then, I know what kind of car I would to be in the future: Tesla Motors. -----This is a job for a colon, not a semi-colon.

There are several reasons why I would be Tesla. Tesla is famous for their electronic cars. Their car is eco-friendly because they run with zero emission. For a Tesla car, driving is its ---Excellent! Great idea...

Writing Feedback / Dropping out; Encouraging the student to get involved in extracurriculars. [4]

It is clear and easy to understand. The mistakes are small mistakes. I think you will pass, but I really do not know how they are scored. Still, I really think you can probably pass.

Just remember to keep the sentences simple and do not try to write types of sentences you are not certain about. Write sentences you know you can write well.

Letters / Letter to University about my A level exams [5]

Hi Lilly! This is a strange rule, but EVERY word in the opening salutation should be capitalized. Also, use a colon:

Dear Sir Or Madam:

Use the past verb tense: I did not stay...

I think it will be more convincing if you write a few sentences about what is most important to you, the goal you want to achieve. It is the goal that rives you and fills you with potential. :-) Your goal-setting also inspires the reader.

Hei Ana, did you ever get a response about becoming an EF_Contributor? If not, maybe it was overlooked. Let me know!

Essays / A comparison essay on two living things - need help for an idea [4]

Weird!

Okay, so that will be an interesting topic.. more interesting than cat vs. dog.

But I want to ask you... what would you truly want to compare? I suppose I would want to compare homo sapien with other monkeys. We humans are 96% monkey, and that's a lot of monkey, ha ha. I heard a comedian named Jim Jeffereys say that.

What interests you? Writing is easy when you have authentic interest. You thought of cat and dog, but you have no reason to compare them. What do you want to compare? What do you already have a reason to compare?

**** Be sure to write one paragraph about the similarities and another about the differences.

Writing Feedback / "Weekend will pass as usual" - essay about how i spend my week off. [4]

Look, you capitalized a word after a comma:
I always wake up quite late in the morning, After finishing my morning duties, I take a little physical exercise. -----That comma should be a period.

I always wake up quite late in the morning. After finishing my morning duties, I take do a little physical exercise.

After taking exercising, I usually wash my clothes.

This is good description, but it is not very interesting! Can you include some UNEXPECTED remark that catches the reader's attention?

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: Being taught by a teacher is the most suitable and effective way to learn [4]


The verb tense in this paragraph was the PAST TENSE, so keep it in the past tense:
Furthermore, the teacher has had a specific method to make the students interested in learning and drive them to discover new horizon.

Last but not least, studying alone easily makes students become distracted and make only slow progress.---I made a small change here.

Anyway, your skill is good enough for toefl. Your skill is good enough to write a novel!! The mistakes are not big mistakes.

In a nutshell, the instructor can pass down both theory and practicality practical skills, whereas also self-study requires students to figure everything out alone. several strictness .

Those are reasons why being taught by a teacher is the most suitable and effective way to learn.----This sentence is very eloquent!

Undergraduate / Physician assistant narrative ("I always wanted to work in a health care field") [3]

Do not use ALWAYS and also SINCE I WAS YOUNG. Only use one of them:
I knew since I was young I always wanted to work in a health care field.

... with their patients, no matter how minor or serious it is.

I would like to put these 2 sentences together with a conjunction:
I have accomplished so much as a respiratory therapist, and now it is time to take the next step.

I work have worked with physican assistants for couple of years.

Capitalize Internet.

do not use the abbreviation. Write the word patient.

Verb tense:
It something I will continue to do until I retire.

:-) Nice job!!

Writing Feedback / The role of parents in school: students to study more and be responsible [6]

Well, you MUST remember to capitalize the first word of every sentence.

The writing is at a high level, but I don't know how the scoring works. I don't know what is required for 60%.

Anyway, keep practicing different kinds of sentences. When you take the exam, do not write sentences you want to write. Write sentences you know how to write perfectly. :-)