Unanswered [8] | Urgent [0]
  

Posts by Pahan
Joined: Nov 28, 2012
Last Post: Sep 1, 2014
Threads: 1
Posts: 1824  
From: Sri Lanka

Displayed posts: 1825 / page 17 of 46
sort: Latest first   Oldest first  | 
Pahan   
Feb 6, 2014
Essays / presentation about myself (but my English not so good) [7]

Well, if it is about an introduction of yourself as the author of the paper, then you need to talk a lot of your background and credentials that support you to convince the reader that you have all the experience and knowledge to write that paper. The best is to go about is that read such similar notes about other authors and get an idea of the structure. You may find many if you google :)
Pahan   
Feb 6, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 2: Arithmetic vs Calculator for student [5]

I believe there are some benefitsorand drawbacks which are needed to see furtherconsidered.

Generally, calculator is human's best friend

There can be many other devices that people think they are their best friend. Mobile phone is one such exmaple.

Obviously, learning arithmetic is needed.

Obviously, being able to perform arithmetic manually is an important task.

This is because when a student could master the arithmetic, they could be smart people in basic calculation which could create a new formula which could be implemented in technology.

I don't find this sentence adding any value to your essay :(
Pahan   
Feb 6, 2014
Writing Feedback / Responsibility of both visitors and the host to respect culture differences [6]

Some people think that local customs are more important while others think not.

This is a bit different from the issue that your prompt suggests;

Some people believe that visitors to other countries should follow local customs and behavior.

Always stay with your prompt and introduce it to the reader with its original sense.
On the other hand, the host country should also be tolerant to visitors' inappropriatecertain behaviors as concernedthat they feel as inappropriate with their customs.

You write very well. Pay attention to the structure to aim at a great score :)
Pahan   
Feb 6, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 2: IS IT GOOD TO CHANGE? [5]

Some people believe it is always better to experience something different while others believeit is notso.
People in favor of change may argue that it is very boring to dorepeat the same things throughout their livesover a long period.

You write extremely well :) However, you need certain features in your essay structure to earn a good score. This body para there is no specific example.
Pahan   
Feb 6, 2014
Writing Feedback / TOEFL; Self employment or Work for someone else? [8]

This is very sweet and short introduction :D I don't say it's bad, but you have potential to do something better to earn a better score.

:D .... Yep, You need to have at least 250 words to get a decent score. Having got so much potential for that, it's in vain if you don't try for that.
Pahan   
Feb 6, 2014
Writing Feedback / Comfort Food: Coffee?; English 1A essay [3]

As a child I detested anything coffee flavored, but with age my taste buds have changed and now it has become vital to my survival.

As a kid, I rejected everything that had the coffee flavor. However, as I grew, my taste buds too grew to accept that authentic aroma and the flavor of coffee and it literally became a great part of my daily life.

The essence of coffee in the morning is almost like a religious experience I have almost every morning. It could be any kind of roast, even hot or cold, coffee gives me a comfort to take on the world.

My cups of coffee stimulated my body and filled me with joy and energy, be it roasted, hot or cold.

Growing up I was always fascinated with the idea of people making this brown liquid called coffee.

.... Sounds a bit repetitive :(
You've already introduced coffee in the intro, and now don't back to introduce it again.
Pahan   
Feb 6, 2014
Writing Feedback / TOEFL: supporting sports and social activities Vs supporting the libraries [4]

Ok, let see whether I can help you with this problem :)

First of all, when it comes to creativity, taking part in social activities is expected to be meaningful. In this complex world, many students are trying hard to become more creative and they believe participating in sports and social activities is a key solution.

Actually you have gone on a wrong track here. This is not about becoming creative which is more or less a born talent. Just because you participate in sports or other social activities you don't become a creative person, but may be a good team player, communicator, negotiator etc. Therefore participating in games and other social activities helps students develop important life skills for their future. Let's take that point and start constructing your firs body para;

First, taking part in social activities benefits students by giving them a great opportunity to learn many important life skills for their future. Such activities help students be good team players, leaders, effective communicators etc. that are important skills for them to be successful in their adult life. (Now tell a good example to support this reason )
Pahan   
Feb 6, 2014
Writing Feedback / IETLS: The revolution of nuclear technology brings huge merits and also demerits [3]

Nowadays unchangeable energy sources stock becomes less, while nuclear technology appears as new impressive source energy beside fossil fuel.

You need to present this idea more clearly. What do you mean by "unchangeable energy:?
You haven't followed a proper structure for this introduction.
Pahan   
Feb 6, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK I: Earnings in London City [6]

Pie bar and table

Pie charts and the table below

Pie bar and table below portrayed the revenue comparison between male and female in London City for 1985 and 1995 in several financial sectors including commodity trading, banking, insurance, and currency dealing.

.... keep this in present tense;
The two pie charts illustrate total earnings in London while the table provides information about the salaries of male and female executives in four financial sectors in the years of 1985 and 1995.

In the above line you have followed dumi's advice. You have paraphrased the title and included the time frames :)
Pahan   
Feb 5, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS task II : Illiteracy rates by region and gender; 'it was tearful' [12]

MostMajority of the population in the developed countrycountries is familiar with reading and writing ability.literate.

It is proven that the number of literacy skill in develop country was fascinated with approximately zero in illiteracy.

Both genders have shown close to zero level of illiteracy level in the developed countries.

However, Caribbean and Oceania inhabitant who cannot write and read become middle groups by fewer than 20.

People of the Caribbean and Oceania have come the second lowest in illiteracy rates while the people of South Asia have recorded the highest rate.
Pahan   
Feb 5, 2014
Scholarship / The Power of Vision : Singapore 300 Words Scholarship Essay [2]

There is more computer power in a Ford 1996 model, which everyone can buy and drive to the supermarket than there was in Apollo II when Neil Armstrong took it to the moon.

wow, clever idea :)
There are more automatic features in a Ford 1996 model which everyone could afford to buy and drive to a local supermarket than the Apollo II, which Neil Armstrong took to explore the moon in 1969.

Ok, what you are trying to talk about here is that you believe that every person needs a vision to succeed, isn't it? Then you need to focus on that more. And also you have failed to fulfill this requirement too;

Please provide examples of how you have demonstrated these in your actions.

I strongly feel you need to align your answer more with what your prompt requires.
Pahan   
Feb 5, 2014
Writing Feedback / Has ease of cooking improved life? [7]

First of all, in the past preparation of food by hunting was demanding and a pretty hard action.activity.

First of all, in the past preparation of food by hunting was demanding and hard action. Cooking food was a time consuming job.

The first sentence is irrelevant for this topic. This is about cooking food and whether it has become easier now. Do not go out of topic and always stay aligned with your topic.

Then by developing civilization and technologies especially food industrial technology life becomes easier.

As the civilization began to develop, various new cooking technologies were found and as a result cooking became much easier compared to olden days.

Although electrical ovens and microwaves make providing food easier and faster but we live in fast world too.

This has grammar issues.
Follow dumi's structure to turn this essay into a more logically presented one :)
Pahan   
Feb 5, 2014
Undergraduate / Art institure application essay for graphic and web design [3]

my goal in attending the Art Institute is to better myself and what I love; graphic design and web design.

As an art student, I am sure you can be much more creative in presenting this idea. It is this writer's block you are suffering with :D

Tell them how passionately you look forward to pursing this program. Express that feeling through your writing. At least do it for the opening sentence which is the hook that grabs other's attention towards your response.
Pahan   
Feb 5, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS:Task 2 Essay- Threat/Benefit of nuclear technology [11]

Yes, I am with alderbaran. It is always better to conclude your introduction with a clear statement that expresses your opinion. That helps you navigate your reader in your preferred direction, I mean the position you take on the argument.

Your writing style is very impressive and I do not think you'd have any problem with this task. You can surely go for a very good band :)

I too agree 200% with dumi. It's only you need to polish the essay structure that would help you get a real good band. I think dum's suggestion is the best in that.
Pahan   
Feb 5, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 : Total earnings and average annual salaries in the City of London [3]

Firstly, in 1985, the sector in banking was the highest sector which earn much money, followed by insurance in the second place then commodity trading and currency deal sector.

Avoid phrases like "Firstly". This task is to assess your report writing skills, so be more formal. Tell things in a more reporting tone. You need to express your observations direct, clear and in a simple reporting tone :)

You can use "Firstly, Secondly, To begin with etc." in IELTS Writing task 2, but not in this task. Other than that, I feel you've got a hang of the structure :)
Pahan   
Feb 5, 2014
Writing Feedback / Computers Vs Books - your school should choose computers; 'long term low cost' [2]

There is a general agreement about the importance of education

This sentence is fine with its grammar. However, you can enhance its effect if you present the idea more direct than passive;
Everybody agrees on the fact that education plays a major role in one's success.

In almost all the statements of our society people and institutions must assigns a portion of resources to educate young people.

You shouldn't reiterate the same idea again. It really doesn't add any value to your intro in which you need to introduce the prompt quickly and clearly. Also, you need to be concerned about the time aspect as well as this task is time bound.
Pahan   
Feb 5, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 : Earning in the City of London and Average annual salaries of executives. [4]

hey dumi - Something wrong has happened :( There are two essays by different users (tiaDS and SHanafi) in the same thread :( I remember providing a comment for SHanafi's essay in a different thread. Please have a look :D

@tiaDS - I like your introduction. Your overview is presented well, but you have done a small error there as dumi has explained above.
Pahan   
Feb 5, 2014
Undergraduate / 'ideas turned into reality' Engineering application Essay - University of Toronto [2]

I have loved math and science since I was a little kid and wanted to go in a field which encompasses both these disciplines.

I have loved math and science since I was a little kid and always wanted to pursue my studies in a field that encompasses both these disciplines.

I have always strived to learn more math and science than expected in school and have always been fascinated in learning how technology works.

... Some parts sound a bit repetitive :( I feel it is good you said this idea through some real life example so that they would understand this more convincingly. That is a much more effective way to convince your admission officers than making statements.
Pahan   
Feb 5, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: The chart below shows the total number of minutes (in billions) of telephon [5]

The bar chart provides the information about the popularity of three separate categories of telephone calls in the United Kingdom from 1995 to 2002.

Very good introduction :)

First of all, the graph clearly shows that local fixed line calls were the most popular throughout the period. It was followed by nation and international fixed line calls and mobile calls, both of with were becoming increasingly popular.

"First of all" - this is not so appropriate for a report. This task is aimed at assessing your report writing skills. So adopt a more official tone which is appropriate for a report. Be concise and clear in presenting the trends and observations.

Overall, the local fixed line calls had been the most popular throughout the period. Both International fixed line calls and Mobile calls had kept increasing their popularity while Mobile calls had shown a higher growth in this trend.
Pahan   
Feb 5, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK I: Earnings in London City [6]

Theschematic below was portrayed revenue comparison between male and female in London City for 1985 and 1995 in several sectors including commodity trading, banking, insurance, and currency dealing.

You better specify what those schematic diagrams are. That's what they expect you to do in the introduction. Tell them specifically whether they are pie charts, bar charts, tables, line graphs etc. Also, this task is aimed at your report writing skills. Therefore you need to adopt a tone which is appropriate for informing your observations of these graphical presentations to the reader in a reporting style. Use simple and more technical words (e.g. pie chart, graph etc.) and present your ideas in a concise and clear manner.
Pahan   
Feb 3, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS; Paid work by children - Is it wrong? [3]

Several advanced countries inhabitants believe children should be engaged in certain type of paid work to flourish their mental and physical strength moreover

First, your prompt doesn't specifically say that this is an issue prevails in advanced countries. So you shouldn't have introduced your topic with a different sense to the reader. Also, "inhabitants" is not an appropriate word for the above idea. Lots of students have the tendency to replace words with synonyms, but that is a pretty dangerous thing to do if you are not very sure of the right usage of such words.
Pahan   
Feb 3, 2014
Writing Feedback / [TOEFL]Do you think classmates or colleagues should work on projects in person or by e-mai [5]

When it comes to the debate whether classmates or colleagues should work on projects in person or by email, some people believe email is better because it records all the discussions and it is convenivent for everyone's time, while the others argues that work by email is time wasting and low efficiency.

This sentence is a bit too long. I'd like to advise you not to lengthen your sentences as they tend to get you carried away at the end. Also, it's nicer if you open your essay with a good hook (this is not mandatory, but it would help you impress the examiner) The hook should be an interesting sentence that is relevant to your topic and capable of proividing a good entrance to your essay. For example;

Today it is very common that students are required to work on group projects as a part of their curriculum. (your hook)
Some people believe that it is best for the students to meet in person to complete such projects. However, some others view that it is not really necessary and the students can handle the same task via e-mails.(your background)

In my personal view, I believe meeting in person to work on group projects has many advantages over doing this task via e-mails.
(your opinion)
Pahan   
Feb 3, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 : Fixed Punishments for each type of crime [3]

Deciding on the punishment for each type of crime has been pros and cons.

You need to specify what are those types. This is your introduction and your duty here is to introduce the topic very openly to the reader. Follow this structure for your intro.
Pahan   
Feb 3, 2014
Undergraduate / 5-year study, sponsored by Big Brothers & Sisters; UT's Essay on Issue of Importance Help [2]

A five-year study, sponsored by Big Brothers Big Sisters Canada, found that children were more confident and had fewer behavioral problems when they had supportive mentors in their lives

My five-year study sponsored by Big Brothers Big Sister Canada, made me realize that children would be more confident and better behaved if they have supportive mentors in their lives.

I learned first handed the importance of youth mentoring.

I learned the importance of youth mentoring first handed.

At the age of ten, I went to camp not sure of what to expect.

At the age of ten, I attended the camp without being sure of what to expect.
Pahan   
Feb 3, 2014
Graduate / Letter of motivation for communication engineering [2]

I consider myself lucky to be born in a decade in which India entered the age of globalisation.

I consider myself very lucky for having born in a decade in which India embraced globalization.

With the advent of globalisation in India, the technological advancements took place at expeditious rate.

... I find some repetition here. This is what I suggest you;
With this new advent, the technological advancement of India took off the ground in an exponential rate.
Pahan   
Feb 3, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS: Some people believe that competitive sports have no place in the school curriculum. [6]

where his or her future is being shaped,

... It's nicer to use direct speech;
which would shape his or her future

Over the years, there has been continuous debate on whether or not to keep competitive sports as part of school curriculum.

Good introduction. You write very well :)

You have lots of reasons here to justify your position. It's better you take each reason to a new para to form a new body paragraph. Support each reason with a specific example.
Pahan   
Feb 2, 2014
Writing Feedback / Toefl: The characteristic of best friend that you prefer the most. [4]

Admittedly, people having clever friends gain great strategies to solve some problems while people having humorous friend are always fun

Admittedly, intelligent friends help us find great solutions for our issues while the friends with humor keep our lives more lively and entertained.

However, it is just one moment that never last.

However, these characteristics come in our aid only when there are momentary needs.

On the contrary, if we have some friend is reliableto usboth in front and behind , we will significantly live feeling a bliss of happiness.

"in front and behind" sounds a bit awkward and meaningless. Reliable means reliable in every circumstance :D
Also, you need to pay lots of attention to your grammar :)
Pahan   
Feb 2, 2014
Writing Feedback / Education & Individual Development & Well-being of societies [2]

If this is for TOEFL or IELTS, then it looks too short. You need to meet their respective word counts. For IELTS it's 250 words and TOEFL 150 -225 words.

First of all, to improve individuals' development, children should be taught to be competitive. For instance, there will be schools for gifted, those who have ability will be entitled to study there. Students will push themselves to their limit to fight with each other to get into these schools. Therefore, it is their own abilities will grow up. However, talented people will be unevenly spread in our society. Dangerously, people will have a tendency to become selfish, they will not pay attention to anyone but themselves, which can reduce human interaction.

This does not look like well aligned with your topic which is

What should education consist of to fulfill both these functions?

However, you only talk about the competitiveness that students should possess and not about any feature that the education system should feature. It is very important to align your writing with the prompt.
Pahan   
Feb 2, 2014
Writing Feedback / Home is not a place, structure, or a coordinate on a map; What is home? [3]

Home is not a place, structure, or a coordinate on a map.

Great start :) This is a small suggestion;
For me, the home is not just a place, structure or a coordinate on a map.

and where I can sleep soundly in the warmth of my own bed

and where I can sleep soundly feeling the warmth of my own bed.

My home is a garden. Once you walk through that garden or that house--you can feel the life.

You need to be careful with this comparison because garden is also a part of your home in its physical interpretation. I like if you avoided this comparison altogether. Otherwise it may confuse the reader.
Pahan   
Feb 2, 2014
Writing Feedback / Toefl: The truth issue - Relationships are boon to humans in this world [7]

Firstly, in relations where money plays a major role such as business should involve truth.

This sentence is very confusing. First, you should pay lots of attention to your grammar. Then you need to be more cautious about clarity of your sentences. Express one idea in one sentence and make sure it is delivered to the reader very clearly. In this sentence, what should involve truth? Is it the relationship ? or business?

But it lastslasted for only six months.

... you did business together last year, so this sentence should be in past tense.

The main reason for its failure was he lied withto me regarding the profits.

This not only demolishesdestroyed our partnership but friendship too.

.... as dumi mentioned above, be very very careful about using synonyms. Don't use them if you are not sure of the word.
Pahan   
Feb 2, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 2: the benefits of technologies mobility outweigh the disadvantage [5]

Your essay needs lots of improvement in terms of its structure. Follow what dumi suggested you for your intro. Your body paragraphs too need to be improved. This is the overall essay structure dumi suggests for this task and it is a very logical structure that helps you score and handle time effectively at the same time.
Pahan   
Feb 2, 2014
Writing Feedback / TOEFL; Playing Computer games can have negative impact on society [7]

Well, this is a practice essay for TOEFL Issue essay and the writer has the freedom to choose any side of the argument. What we need to check when commenting on the essay is that whether it meets the task requirements, whether it has any grammar or vocabulary issues etc. There is no point in expressing our own opinion in the issue while commenting on TOEFL or IELTS tasks.
Pahan   
Feb 2, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 2: Need help to find out appropriate introductions [7]

Life would be extremely costly to set up

Your hook is somewhat vague :( Better you rephrase it !

This view makes mothers tend to go to work when their children are in childhood.

"children are in childhood" doesn't make any sense. Childhood is the period of being a child. So children makes childhood redundant.
However, you follow the right structure for your introduction - Hook, Background, Opinion :)
Pay more attention to your vocabulary and grammar. With practice you can improve a lot :)
Pahan   
Feb 2, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS Introductions; Need correction only for introduction. [5]

Many women become working mothers when their children are young. This happens mainly due to the growing financial matter in families. Throughout the world, women are not restricted to be homemaker as compared to the past. There are the merits and the demerits which are beingwill be discussed in this essay.

Well, still your issue is not getting conveyed properly. That should be the core of your introduction. However, it seems you still haven't got the knack of the structure which is appropriate for the intro. Ideally it should have a hook, background and opinion. You can do away with the hook, but background is a must because you need to tell the reader why that issue is worth discussing.
Pahan   
Feb 2, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS Introductions; Need correction only for introduction. [5]

This is occurring, because of growing economical pressure, personal preference and so forth.

This happens mainly due to the growing financial constraints in families.

In some countries, it is common for women to find a job when their children are young. What are the advantages and disadvantages of this?
Many women become working mothers. This is occurring, because of growing economical pressure, personal preference and so forth. In this day and age, women are not restricted to be homemaker as compared to the past. There are the merits and the demerits which are being discuss in this essay.

Well, this is a pretty weak introduction. You fail to introduce the issue at all. Your issue is ;

In some countries, it is common for women to find a job when their children are young.

This is not about women becoming employed outside home, but about them becoming employed when their children are young. Nothing is said in your intro in this regard.
Pahan   
Feb 2, 2014
Writing Feedback / Need evaluation on my 4 latest essays from Writing Task [6]

The bar chart illustrates the amountnumber of the undergraduates of Computer Science in a faculty of United Kingdom from 2010 to 2012.
Your first essay (IELTS Task 1 - Local and International students) needs improvement in terms of its structure.
Pahan   
Feb 2, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: the sleep patterns of people in five different occupations [13]

. However, the data, again, showsleeping like a log happens to students and business executives.

This task is aimed at assessing your report writing skills. So you need to stick to the observations only. It is not prudent to include your conclusions or interpretations while presenting trends. This is what dumi also had mentioned in her earlier comments. Avoid phrases like the above. As dumi mentions you follow a perfect structure and quite ready to take up the task. :)

Good luck!
Pahan   
Feb 2, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest in Brooklyn's Coney Island, USA [6]

You are very good with your intro and overview. I think now you are clear about dumi's point too :)
However, you need to improve clarity in the body paragraphs which present more details. Let's take this one;

A Japanese, Takeru Kobayashi who reigned Nathan's championshipfor six years running, was defeated by Joey Chesnut, an American, who was highly likely to eat 68 hot dogs and buns in 15 minutes in 2009.

"six years running" sounds a bit awkward :( Try to stick to more common phrases that are in usage. Also shorten the length of your sentences as they carry lots of details. If you lengthen them, the reader tends to get confused with all those data.

Takeru Kobayashi, the Japanese who continued to secure Nathan's Championship for six years, was defeated in 2007 by Joey Chesnut, an American. Joey held a record by eating 68 hot dogs and buns in 15 minutes in 2009 which had not been broken by any other contestant until 2010.

Need Writing or Editing Help?
Fill out one of these forms:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳

Academic AI Writer:
Custom AI Writer ◳