Letters / Letter of Motivation - Master's in Material science and Engineering [3]

Aside from the final paragraph of this essay, the earlier parts of the presentation are not applicable to a letter of motivation or motivation statement. The preceding paragraphs are mostly required for the personal statement, except for the very first paragraph, which is not required material for any of the required masters essay application essays.

The revised essay should be built up based on the final paragraph content as these reflect the motivation for your interest in the course based on a learning aspect. What is missing from your presentation is the professional / career motivation that has spurred your interest in higher learning. The motivation letter should reflect on several information which are:

Par. 1: Your career background
Par. 2: Your inadequacies that have motivated a desire for higher learning
Par. 3: Why you feel that the course you have chosen to study applies to these skills building requirements
Par. 4: Why the university you chose falls best under your academic and professional requirements

Aside from these required information, nothing else should be reflected in the motivation letter.

Writing Feedback / NEW TECHNOLOGY HAS CHANGED THE WAY PEOPLE SPEND THEIR FREE TIME. ADVANTAGES OUTWEIGHT DISADVANTAGES. [3]

There is a lack of clarity in the overall presentation. The prompt paraphrase isn't really reflective of the original discussion. I believe that is because you do not really have a good grasp of the English language at the moment. It is more like you are still trying to learn how to create proper English simple sentences at this point. For examples, you cannot say "According to using modern gadgets..." Gadgets do not have an opinion as these are inanimate objects used by people. Only people can have an opinion to present in any discussion format. Your discussion points are not related to one another. These create an incoherent paragraph presentation. It is neither cohesive nor coherent. You will score very poorly in that section. The overall essay is really weak in terms of GRA presentation. The reader will have some stressful moment while reading your work. It is not easily understood due to the improper sentence presentations.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 2: Positive and Negative Impacts of Globalization on Economy. [4]

Your first sentence in the prompt paraphrase is a hanging sentence. It does not have any sense. What happens because of the range of opportunities? What is the result of globalization in your point of view? After indicating that there are drawbacks, you should have indicated the 2 topics for discussion in the reasoning paragraphs to prove that you have a clear point of view regarding the discussion. These should help to strengthen your belief in the final statement.

You do not use an apostrophe after the s in companies. Companies is the plural form of company. There is no apostrophe involved in that presentation. That is incorrect punctuation usage, falling under a GRA deduction. The same goes for countries. It is the plural form of country. It does not need an apostrophe after it. You should review your punctuation marks lessons and learn more about when to appropriately use the apostrophe in a presentation. By the way, "because" is a connecting word. It cannot be used at the start of a sentence. It seems your biggest problem in the presentation will be in the GRA section. You really need to brush up on your sentence structure skills.

The conclusion is always at least 3 sentences long. A single sentence presentation does not properly summarize the previous discussion. It is not useful as a reverse paraphrase.

While your discussion is acceptable, It lacks a clear discussion presentation that would tie the reasons together.

Writing Feedback / IELTS writing task 2 Crimes are rising among young people. Cause - solution [3]

The general focus of your essay is incorrect. The topic surrounds the discussion of the rise in crime among young people. You did not identify the age group within the prompt paraphrase as it was indicated in the original discussion. You also did not paraphrase enough words in the first sentence to prove that you did not use memorized words and phrases in the restated presentation. There is also no clear outline of the discussion topics in relation to the causes and solutions you will be presenting, as it relates to the young adults discussion.

You lack proper topic development and explanation in all the relevant sections of the essay. You only mention topics with a slight explanation but no justification. The justification of your discussion is what creates the cohesiveness and coherence in the essay. Otherwise, it is nothing but simply stated topics, which leads to little or no discussion development as evidenced in this presentation.

Writing Feedback / Review a course you took in your first year at university [2]

The review of the course should include a reference to whether this was a pre-requisite, requisite, or minor course for the college degree you were studying. That identification is important because it will explain the reason why you took the course, the importance of the course requirements, and why you, along with your classmates, would work so hard to get a high score in the class activities. Why would you call the course inspirational? How did it inspire you to become a better person? How did it improve your soft skills? Unless this is an extremely short statement, you should really expand on the content of the response. It is not really very informative on the part of the reader. it does not inform very well.

Writing Feedback / Some people say the fashion industry has a bad effect on people's lives. Do you agree? [4]

When you write an opinion essay, you have to show that you have a total belief in what you are saying. That means, you should avoid using words of uncertainty such as "i think". Remember, that creates doubt in your opinion. You need a strong voice of conviction when presenting your reasons because those will be the basis of your response to the question. By the way, even though the outline did not provide the instruction, you should really present a response to the question being asked. Just so you can clearly deliver your opinion to the reader. That, is another reason why you cannot use words that make it appear that you are not really supportive of a specific idea in the essay.

Though the English grammar is not perfect, you get your ideas across to the reader in a manner that is understandable. However, you tend to write run-on sentences, limiting your ability to use a wide range of sentence structures and punctuation marks. You need to learn how to properly develop the simple and complex sentence presentations in your essay. Also, make sure you meet the proper 3 sentence minimum per paragraph for a better balance in your discussion. The second reasoning paragraph could use some more thought and explanation development.

Avoid using a single sentence for your conclusion. Always do a complete recap of your previous discussion so that you can properly repeat your opinion as the closing sentence of the essay. That is how the reverse paraphrase is written as a the concluding paragraph for this type of essay.

Writing Feedback / In some countries, people spend long hours at work. Why does this happen? [3]

I am not sure why you wrote an essay of only 239 words. Perhaps you were not informed of the 250 word minimum for the Task 2 essay? You have to be conscious of your word count because not providing the minimum count will result in points deductions that can affect your final score. By not providing a complete presentation for the restatement and a clear response to the question in the first paragraph, you have already handicapped your presentation with the lowest possible starting score instead of the highest possible starting score. When you are asked to decide between one of 2 possible responses, pick one. Never say you agree with both. That shows indecision and you will be scored based on a lack of a clear opinion regarding the given discussion topic. You should never use a comma and ellipses one after another in a given sentence. You should only use one punctuation mark at a time. This error, which can be found in your first paragraph will result in a low GRA score as it shows your inability to properly use punctuation marks in a sentence. You also have other errors covering spelling, LR, GRA, and coherence issues in your presentation. Your paper was too rushed. You did not even bother to review it for content. Worse, you failed to review and edit the grammar mistakes in your presentation as well. There is no way that this type of writing will result in passing base score. It is going to fail due to the issues with grammar rules, sentence development, clarity, and academic presentation.

Graduate / "My high school, my second home" [2]

The essay is a bit too superficial in presentation. There is no impact to the description you provided. Though you spoke of the upperclassmen and the like, you failed to indicate a particular person, group, or moment during your time at the school that could be defined as character building or memorable in a way. The events you speak of could describe any school in the world. It doesn't make the community in your school stand out as one that would have had a direct influence in the character that you developed during your time as a student. You need to better analyze the community of your school in relation to your development from child to young adult and future leader. The cultural impact is not seen in your writing. You need to establish the need for change and your proposal for the change along with the influence the community had on you, what you see as the negative of the community, why you believe it is a negative and, why changing it would be beneficial to students such as yourself. Do not use a shallow reason such as a alumna network in this instance. Go for a deeper community consideration.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 1: Line chart comparing electricity generated from 3 sources in New York [7]

To properly write this report and stay within the recommended word count, you need to learn to group the information into 3 parts:
- Summary overview + trending statement
- Data report 1 (most obvious information)
- Data report 2 (Overlapping information or additional information not relevant to the first presentation)

In the summary report, make sure you indicate all of the required information. In this presentation, you almost did that correctly. You failed to present the overview information for coal in the paragraph. Your trending presentation focused only on 2 of the 3 energy sources. You should just vary the information based on what the focus of the second paragraph would be. For example, a simple trending statement could have said :

Natural gas and petroleum were constantly upward in terms of producing electricity while coal eventually entered into a stagnant production phase.

The trend of all 3 production lines were clearly presented within the summary, without confusing the reader regarding the factual data at that point. You do not need to mention several trends in one paragraph, just one. You are not going to be scored on the number of trends that you found in the essay. Just the clarity of one trending sentence.

Graduate / Personal Statement KGS 2021 / Preparing for Graduate [4]

You need to better develop the Korean relationship. Devote a paragraph to the 3 Koreans you met. How did you meet? How did the relationship develop? Why did it develop? What did you learn from them that led you to believe that Korea held a promise of a better future for you? What dawned on you about Korea based on that relationship? Try to develop that aspect to a higher level. Depict that as the education and work experience that portrays your interest in the GKS program. The rest of the essay is acceptable. You should try to highlight your aptitude for graduate study or research though. Maybe base that on your interest in Korean art through the names you mentioned. The essay is a good draft. If you can improve on those 2 other sections, it should become better.

Writing Feedback / Government should invest to the elderly' livings or they should save money for their future [6]

As you did not provide the original discussion prompt, I cannot really advise you regarding the relevance of your writing. You seem to have taken a middle position which, as far as I know, you cannot take in a Task 2 discussion essay. These essays are always opinion based within an agree or disagree scenario or, a comparative discussion presentation. None of which allow you to agree with both sides of the issue.

Taking both sides in an issue presented means you do nto have a clear opinion regarding the topic. The examiner is actually scoring you on the clarity of your opinion, which means you need to pick one side alone to defend within any given presentation, unless you are asked to compare both sides then offer a personal opinion. So, I do not believe that you took the proper approach to this essay. It doesn't follow the expected discussion format for the perceived topic.

Kindly remember to post the prompt next time so that your essay can be reviewed based on more relevant scoring considerations. As of now, it will not be appropriate for anybody here to comment on your approach and content. Since we do not really know what the discussion instructions are, content comments should be avoided by everyone reviewing your essay.

Writing Feedback / Nowadays an increasing number of students prefer to extend their studies abroad. [3]

349 words in 40 minutes? Not bad. However, are you sure that you kept within the prompt discussion parameters within all the paragraphs you wrote? This is a 4 paragraph essay.

Your discussion is overboard. You are not focused on a simple explanation of the advantages and disadvantages of studying abroad. Your GRA scores will suffer because you use connecting words like "because" to start your sentences. You offer confusing run-on sentences in several paragraphs which leave the reader wondering what you are trying to say, resulting in several readings of the same paragraph, which is stressful for the reader and will lower the GRA score even further. You do not rally develop all of the explanations in a believable and clear manner. You over discussed but accomplished nothing because your overall presentation does not have a clear point.

The essay also separates from the original discussion topic several times. Specifically in paragraphs 4 and 5. These are irrelevant discussion points. You got so caught up in your writing that you forgot to ensure that your discussion stayed on track. As such, these paragraphs will not help to increase your score, it will only lower it. Focus on the clarity and relevance of your writing next time. Stay on track.

Scholarship / Research project about music and learning new languages - KGSP-U: Extracurricular activities [3]

While all of these activities are notable. They do not share equal importance in your presentation. You should indicate the most notable participation you had in each activity and lengthen the presentation of your skills development during that time. You do not need to improve the research presentation. That is the strongest topic here. As for the student government, focus on the CIS period and your participation in it. As for "Call From the Heart", it can use further development in terms of your team leadership skills. For the tutoring aspect, perhaps focus on what skills you developed further there in relation to the "call from the heart" project. Now remember, you will need to merge these information with other prompt topics so do not overfocus. Just be quick in the presentation, but use notable information within each paragraph to highlight your leadership skills, which is what the reviewer will be interested in learning about. You can also opt to use only the 2 strongest activities you have had if you wish to save on time and presentation space. It isn't the number of activities that matters anyway, it is the skills that you developed within the activity that will impress the reviewer.

Writing Feedback / Enterprises should conduct their business in a socially responsible manner [4]

You presented an extremely short prompt paraphrase and an improper response. Try to expand on the original presentation by at least 2 sentences, then offer an appropriate format within the remaining 3 sentences for a total of a 5 sentence presentation. That is the most maximum way to earn the highest possible TA score. Your response is incorrect as this only an agree or disagree essay, it is not an "extent" essay so the "completely" response it out of place. It should be a mere agreement with the point of view, with the 2 reasoning topics presented.

The discussion paragraphs are not properly developed either. You presented 2 under explained reasons in the first reasoning paragraph. You failed to properly explain each reason using a relevant example and additional clarification sentences. Rather than presenting so many topic sentences in both paragraphs, you should have just taken one discussion topic per paragraph from the first presentation, and expanded those into individual paragraph explanations. That would have shown a connection between your topics and also, offered you more sentence development opportunities to prove your C&C, LR, and GRA skills to the reviewer.

Overall, the essay works, but could have been better using a more appropriate format. Although the response is partially incorrect, it still delivers an appropriate response to the given question so it will be acceptable to a certain extent to the examiner. Work on expanding your prompt restatement and concluding paraphrase so that is follows the complete 3-5 sentence restatement format. The first and last paraphrase are considered for the TA scoring section.

Writing Feedback / ielt task 1: the chart compare changes in the birth rate of China and US between 1920 and 2000 [6]

Assume that the reader does not have a copy of the graph. Remember, you are writing a report for a professional. That means, you are not going to rely on the image being available for the reader. You need to be able to paint a better written picture for the reader than you did in the summary paraphrase. Expand on it a bit more. Look at the image again. Find some unique references that you can include in the overview that could make it more informative. The mental picture you create for the reader will be crucial to your TA score.

By the way, the term is "baby boomer" not "baby boom". You should not be using that reference in this report because the phrase connotes a person who reached adulthood during the 1980's. Since your essay goes well before and beyond that time frame, you should avoid using any terms that could be era specific in your report. It shows a lack of LR skills and understanding.

The second paragraph is improperly formatted and will affect your GRA score. The paragraph uses a limited number of punctuation marks and does not properly represent a mix of simple and complex sentences. You only present a series of run-on sentences and a preference for the use of commas. Limiting your ability to show that you know how to use other punctuation marks such as parenthesis, semi-colon, colon, percentage marks, etc.

Your final paragraph is composed of only 1 sentence. It feels out of place based on the way you created the sentence. As a part of a trending statement, it would have been better placed within the summary overview, thus allowing you to separate the first paragraph into 2 equally important paragraphs, creating the more standard easily understood, and better developed discussion presentation comprised of the 3 paragraph format for your essay.

Writing Feedback / Writing task 2 - The role of sport in our societies [3]

You are over reaching in your reasoning paragraphs. You need to stay within current events and explanations. While your knowledge of ancient history is admirable, you won't win any extra points for the unrelated discussion presentation. The sports discussion has nothing to do with ancient warrior selection so, it would be best to avoid such references. The second part of that paragraph is more relevant to the discussion and would have provided you with a better connection between that discussion paragraph and the next one. This is a consideration that examiners use under the C&C scoring consideration. How well do you connect reasoning 1 with reasoning 2? Is your transition sentence believable? The clearer and well developed your explanation, the better.

The second reasoning paragraph is very little developed. It is confusing to read, does not offer a clear connected discussion from the previous paragraph to the next, and does not offer an expanded explanation of the second point of view. The same situation also exists in your personal opinion paragraph. You need to learn to develop balanced and related discussion topics within 3 presentation paragraphs. Your conclusion is the worst. It does not follow the 3-5 sentence reverse paraphrase format. It is only a clear run on sentence that does not consider the previous discussion points seriously before concluding the essay. It seems like you suddenly realized you ran out of time while writing and wrapped up the essay presentation in a rush. Give the same thought and care to the concluding presentation as you did the discussion paragraphs. That is another way to increase your score in the end.

Scholarship / Question about Study Plan to improve foreign language for GKS undergraduate. Review needed. [4]

You need professional help with your essay. Your grammar will not convince the reviewer that you truly got a band 7 score in the IELTS test. Your work requires editing in English. The way you express yourself in English is still in a transliterate manner so do not brag too highly about your English language skills. It is nothing to brag about. If you want to comes across as a fluent English speaker, writer, and thinker, then hire a professional to clean up your presentation. Right now, you definitely come across as an ESL who is still learning the English language, with only elementary English language skills.

As for your Hangul skills, you should not be claiming it as a 3rd language yet. There is no proof of your TOPIK proficiency, which is the only evidence the Korean reviewer will need to consider you a skilled Hangul speaker. You may want to rethink the first part of your language proficiency claims. You are too boastful, with the evidence of your writing showing you to be otherwise. The reviewer will consider these false and unsubstantiated claims, which could very well result in your application being rejected.

Writing Feedback / Task 2: Learning English and learning local languages [4]

It will not be useful for me to review your paper beyond your prompt paraphrase errors. The essay isn't going to get a passing score anyway. Why? The minimum word requirement for the Task 2 essay is 250 words. You wrote only 213 words. That will result in a significant word percentage deduction that will prevent you from achieving a proper passing score overall for this presentation.

Your prompt paraphrase did not accurately respond to the discussion questions outline. You were asked if it was important for everyone to learn English, you did not respond to that question. You were also asked if the survival of other local languages should be ensured and how it should be done. You did not respond to that question either. Yes, you provided a response to 2 questions in your restatement. Unfortunately, these were the wrong answers because you were not answering the right questions. You created a prompt deviation for the 2 questions, which would result in your response being unrelated to the task in the TA section. This error would further ensure a failing score for your presentation.

Writing Feedback / Ielts writing task 1: The line graph illustrates fluctuations in China's and the US birth rates [3]

You accidentally created a run-on sentence int he second paragraph. The sentence after the first one, which was separated only by commas, should have been separate into one comma presentation, a period, then a new sentence so the format would have been ------------.--------, -------------.-----------. The diagram indicates a 3 sentence, rather than a 2 sentence presentation for that part. By the way, in the 3rd paragraph, it would be better if you did not say , "On the other hand" if you did not previously indicate "On the one hand". The phrase loses its significant comparative meaning of the word pairing is not properly used.

Good work using the 3 paragraph format. You properly grouped the discussion, creating a clarity in your presentation that would definitely boost the C&C score of your presentation. The discussion is clear, the information are related within the USA and China comparative context, and all the comparison information was formally presented to the reader. It shows that you clearly focused on the proper analysis and presentation of information as required by the discussion requirements.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 1: percentage of domestic access in the UK [2]

The most comprehensive presentation in this format is the last paragraph because it has a complete paragraph presentation of 3 sentences within the paragraph. You have not properly grouped the discussion into the better format of 3 paragraphs per task 1 essay. in the 3 paragraph format, you would have have more complete paragraph presentations, fully developed information presentations because you would have focused on the accuracy of your content instead of the length.

Your presentation, because you split it up too much, did not even introduce the overlapping information that could clearly be seen (at a glance) within the image provided. That is part of the scoring consideration that you could have included in the 3 paragraph format. The 4 paragraph format is not effective when you only have a 3 paragraph format indicator within the given image. You have to learn when to use the 3 paragraph format and when to use the 4 paragraph format. Here is a hint, 99 % of the Task 1 essays will score highly if you use the 3 paragraph format.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Taks 2: Having same opinion as friends [4]

The essay is missing your personal opinion of each public point of view. While you did present an argument of a personal note in your restatement paragraph, you neglected to fully explain what you think of each public point of view. Remember that the instruction is asking you discuss both points of view and give an opinion.So, you must present the public perception for each, then explain your belief about the public understanding in the same paragraph. That would allow you to fully discuss both points of view based on 2 considerations:

- The public belief
- Your understanding or belief of the given topic

Your personal point of view need not use a stand alone paragraph when, as evident in this writing, you are capable of simply adding a sentence or two that would represent your personal opinion in a discussion integrated manner. that means, you have the ability to discuss both the public perception and your opinion in a related manner. Such a discussion would result in a higher final score for your essay as your C&C score will be boosted by the combined discussion presentation format.

Writing Feedback / Writing task 2 - Music is able to connect people from distinctive cultures and ages [2]

There is no extent response in your essay as required by the original prompt. Therefore, your essay will not be given the best possible TA score. You failed to address the question directly with an extent response. While you did give an opinion in relation to the topic, the format is incorrect as there is no degree of agreement or disagreement given based on the 2 discussion topics. So your essay, though longer than usual, does not reflect the expected discussion format for the topic.

Your first reasoning paragraph is running too long. It is over discussing but under representing the explanation. What I mean is that the clarity of your meaning is lost due to the existence of 2 different discussion topics in one paragraph. Your first reason is under represented when compared to the second topic in the same paragraph. You should always keep the stronger reasoning topic in the presentation. In this case, the second topic would have probably been the best choice.

The second reasoning paragraph could also use more explanation in relation to clarity and further discussion developments. You gave an example in the paragraph but then failed to build on that example. So the paragraph is under developed in the presentation. The same goes for your single sentence conclusion. It doesn't really help the essay tie up the lose ends with a comprehensive discussion summary. Overall, the essay is not very good. I can see your potential as an essayist. However, this essay doesn't reflect your actual skills when it comes to proper essay writing.

Please review the sample essays at this forum to help you further develop your writing skills and help you better understand the discussion requirements based on the prompt instructions. You will learn valuable lessons based on the mistakes of others. You will be sure to improve if you truly apply the advice given to others in your own writing.

Writing Feedback / Most people think that the truth should be objective rather that subjective [3]

The original prompt is:
Most people think that truth should be objective rather than subjective when it comes to news.
Do you think all news true?
What is the function of newspaper?

So, The first paragraph should be more accurate in its representation of the original discussion and question points. What you wrote was a made up introduction that is not related to the original prompt at all. A more similar one would have been:

News could be purposeful or introspective in presentation. I believe that news may be filled with half truths and half lies. Since the function of a newspaper is to inform people without bias, we have to consider all of the previously stated factors in relation to the purpose of a newspaper.

Your reasoning paragraphs are not strong. The topics are under developed, with little explanation, and are totally unrelated in discussion from reasoning paragraph 1 onward. The lack of clarity in the discussion is what made your presentation confusing to the reader. The presentation failed to truly support an explanation of your opinion because of grammar and clarity issues. You need to work on properly outlining your discussion topics and supporting sentences. Only when you can properly and clearly support single topics per paragraph will you be able to form properly developed paragraph presentations.

Writing Feedback / Children should be required to help with household tasks. [3]

The TOEFL test does not require a prompt paraphrase so do not bother to paraphrase the original discussion. For the TOEFL essay, you can actually just make a reference to the original topic and then start an immediate discussion of your reasons in the first paragraph. You should really try to limit your writing to 3 paragraphs so that you can focus on polishing your content in terms of grammar and explanation so that you can get a higher overall scoring consideration based on the TOEFL scoring requirements.

There is however, a standard requirement for both the TOEFL and IELTS tests. That requirement is that a full paragraph presentation must be made in the introduction and concluding paragraph. You need to have at least 3 sentences in those presentation paragraphs. The introduction should properly introduce the topic and your direct response. The next paragraph, explains your opinion. Then the conclusion should neatly wrap up the discussion you just presented.

Please remember that the length of your essay, is not as a important as making sure that you have a clean essay for scoring. By a clean essay, that means, you properly edited your essay for spelling, grammar, clarity, and conciseness issues. All of these essays are evident in your presentation and will sadly, prove to be the reason why your final score will not be as impressive as it could have been.

Writing Feedback / Task 2: Students should be taught academic knowledge so that they can pass exams, and skills such as [3]

A partial agreement should indicate the extent of your agreement or disagreement just the same. That should be indicated as a discussion response topic in the outline. You cannot say that you "partially" whatever with the given discussion. You need to measure or give an end to your dis/agreement. That means, the response should be framed as:

I agree with the statement only up to the following 2 points.

Then indicate what those points are as a part of the discussion outline. A strength response would also be better such as : I strongly agree with the statement up to..., I partially agree with the statement due to the following considerations..., and other similar topics of focus. You cannot, under any circumstance, use a comparative discussion as you did in this essay because the whole point of the extent essay is to show how well and how strongly you can defend your single opinion using 2 discussion reasons. There is no room for comparisons in the discussion since it is not indicated in the original prompt statement. Do not discuss in a manner that does not reflect the original prompt requirements. That could result in the failure of your essay. Unless asked to discuss both opinions, all Task 2 essays are singular response essays.

Writing Feedback / It is necessary for children to learn both local and foreign literature [4]

You did not respond to the question being asked. You changed the discussion requirements, resulting in a prompt deviation. You only have 2 choices in this essay. Either you agree or disagree. Since this is not an "extent" essay, you cannot use a middle ground response. You can only choose between the provided response choices. The clarity of your opinion will be based upon how well you explain your support of one of the given discussion responses. When you do a comparative essay response where none is required, your essay will not deliver a response related to the given discussion. That could result in a lower than expected score for your essay.

Writing Feedback / Parents should take responsibility for educating their children how to be good citizens [3]

The instruction for this essay is to discuss both public points of view, based on commonly used reasons, and then present your point of view based on the public discussion. What I see in this essay is a general discussion of both points of view, but no personal opinion on your part. It appears that you forgot to add it towards the end of the public discussion or, as a stand alone paragraph within the essay. So the presentation becomes incomplete and only partially correct in the discussion approach. The essay will only be partially scored due to the lack of clarity with regards to the points of view discussion. You gave your personal point of view at the end of the paraphrase, but failed to illustrate the differences in the actual discussion paragraphs. That is what posed the confusion within your discussion presentation.

Writing Feedback / Life today is much more accessible and comfortable in comparison to the past [3]

This is a TOEFL essay. It is totally different from the IELTS essay. You need not take great pains to separate your restatement from your reasoning sentence. In fact, you can write only 3 paragraphs for this essay and end up with a well developed presentation. There is something you have to be sure of when you write the introduction paragraph though. Make sure you directly answer the question. In your current presentation, you already deliver a reason for your response, but you failed to actually say "I disagree with the statement because..." Once you state your disagreement, include the 2 reasons for it to lay the foundation for the succeeding discussions. You need to mention the keywords in the original presentation in a synonym form. Therefore, grandparents = kinsperson, clansperson, previous family generation, or any variation thereof. You also do not offer a restatement of the comparison between the past and current life as indicated in the original prompt. You did not do a very good job at the original topic reference. Try to provide a closer restatement next time.

The first reasoning paragraph has nothing to do with comfort and ease of life. That should not have been included in the discussion as it refers to health issues and how it was treated in the past. We are talking about creature comforts here. Cinema sized TV sets, game consoles, microwaves, induction stoves, things that make everyday life easier and more enjoyable would have been the more proper focus.

Writing Feedback / Some people believe that team sports are very important for children to succeed in their career [4]

The discussion instructions are to compare the 2 public points of view, explain it to the reader, then offer a personal opinion in relation to each viewpoint. Your essay neither identifies a personal or public point of view in the presentation. Yes, there is an existing comparison, however, it is generalized in presentation. There are no clear demarcations between the public pronoun usage and the first person pronoun usage. Each of which is used to clarify the comparison discussion in every paragraph. Without it, the essay does not follow the proper discussion format nor does it present the points of view in a manner that is reflective of the discussion requirements.

"Think" is a term that indicates you are not sure of the opinion you are presenting in the discussion. This means, you do not have a clear opinion to provide based on a personal point of view. Expect to lose points for your lack of clarity in that particular scoring consideration. The conclusion is problematic. It fails to reflect the previous discussion points and reiterate your personal point of view. It should have at least 3 sentences in it to properly reflect the required elements.

Scholarship / "My high school club experience"- prompt: Write about your school activity (1600 characters) [3]

I am sure you are familiar with the character count specifics so I will not delve into that anymore. I'll just focus on the content of the presentation instead. While this presentation delivers an excellent overview of the history of clubs and its functions, along with the functions of the ECLUB, I feel that there is something lacking in the description.

While I got a pretty good idea of your function within the club requirements, I did not get a specific picture of any actual achievement that you had during your time in the club. You came across as a mere ordinary member. There were no stand out moments that would tell the reviewer that your school activity helped you develop yourself as a notable club member or a student with the future potential to become a student leader once you attend college. Remember, the reviewers are looking for stand out students in both the academic and extra curricular field. So properly portraying yourself as a potential student leader, based on leadership achievements within the club can help you accomplish that.

Writing Feedback / Ielts writing TASK 2 (Cambridge 4): Happiness factors [3]

It would be better for your presentation in the paraphrase section if you do not include information that is not referred to in the original prompt. When you do that, you change the discussion information. In this case, you not only used non specified information, but you also failed to directly outline your discussion topics based on the question responses that were required in the paraphrase + response section of the first paragraph. You could have done it this way instead:

Bliss is considered essential to the high spirits of a person. However, nobody has successfully explained what the true meaning of happiness is. This is difficult to specify because the word is defined differently by each person, all based upon their understanding of the word. One of the determinants of this word is the state of mind of a person.

It is important to give the examiner an overview of what the discussion topics in your succeeding paragraphs will be about as this will help him understand if you understood the discussion questions and what the expected response formats are. In your presentation, you left all of these unclear and thus, left your response without a true direction or meaning.

Your 3 reasons are not related to one another. These reasons created little explained factors when it comes to reaching a state of happiness. The paragraph becomes under developed and lacking in clarity. Try to use more related reasons that can culminate in a singular example that will clearly illustrate or embody the 3 reasons you presented. Such a presentation will help you score better in the C&C section of the scoring consideration.

Develop the concluding paragraph. Always use 3 sentences minimum. Do that by properly restating the important discussion points in the final paragraph presentation.

Writing Feedback / Writing Task 2: Museums and art galleries should be free or not? [3]

Do not make it a habit to write your word count per paragraph during the practice essays. You may be distracted by that during the actual test. Just make sure that you write between 3-5 sentence per paragraph. That will assure you of meeting the minimum - maximum sentence and word requirement per paragraph. You won't have to keep track of your word count if you use the expected paragraph format presentation throughout.

So, this is a comparative essay discussion. Yet, you treated is as a singular point of view presentation. Were you confused by the instructions? It clearly states that you have to discuss both points of view and only after that, give your your own opinion. So the format you should have used was:

Sentence 1: Public point of view
Sentence 2: Explanation of why the public believes this
Sentence 3: Your opposition or support of this point of view
Sentence 4: Why you believe / do not believe this point of view
Sentence 5: Use an illustrative example to add clarity to your support / non support of the opinion

You cannot simply say "and I agree". There has to be a build up of your explanation for the support or opposition to the opinion. The use of proper gender free pronouns would help add clarity to the presentation by clearly differentiating between the public belief and your point of view. Without it, the essay becomes confusing to read. Who is actually speaking in the paragraphs? Where does the public opinion start and end. Where does does the personal opinion begin and end? Work on the clarity of your discussion presentations.

The concluding paragraph cannot be a single sentence. It always needs at least 3 sentences that will properly summarize the previous discussion. Don't just lump it into one sentence and hope that the examiner can find clarity in what you are saying. The conclusion should be just as comprehensive as the discussion paragraphs to help close the essay on a clear and strong note.

Writing Feedback / Ielts writing TASK 1 (Cambridge 4): daily demand and uses of electricity in England [4]

The first sentence of your summary overview should have been divided into 2 sentences because you are describing 2 unrelated images. Since the images are far different from one another, you should be describing these based on individual requirements or information coverage. This should have allowed you to better meet the 3-5 sentence requirement for the paragraph. It would have been better for your summary overview + trending statement consideration if you had merged the first 2 presentations into a single paragraph. It would have created a more concise summary presentation on your part and, allowed you more easily meet the paragraph sentence requirement. After all, based on the images presented, this is only a 3 paragraph essay:

Par. 1: Summary overview + trending statement
Par. 2: Line chart information and comparison
Par. 3: Pie chart information and comparison

You seem to have forgotten that the Task 1 essay has a time allotment of only 20 minutes. Based on the time allowance, you should only be writing anywhere from 175-190 words maximum. You actually wrote 248 words, 2 words short of the Task 2 minimum word requirement. The task 2 essay has a 40 minute time allotment. So it appears to me that you would not have been able to properly write this Task 1 essay within 20 minutes based on your word count and number of paragraphs provided. There is a reason why the 3 paragraph format is most recommended, it allows you to write a comparative report with time left over for the editing of your work. This is just a straightforward report, you don't need to overwrite nor overthink the presentation. Use less words in the task 1 essay. Focus on information delivery using a quick and summarized manner.

Writing Feedback / Some governments spend a lot of public money training individuals to be successful in international [4]

You used a comparative essay response for this essay. You based your response on the advantage/disadvantage discussion presentation. That is a clear deviation from the original discussion prompt. The original discussion is asking you to present a measured response based upon the degree of your agreement or disagreement/ support or non-support of the given topic. Therefore, the essay failed to follow the required discussion format, resulting in a failed TA score on your part. Your discussion response does not deliver the correct / expected response presentation. So you cannot expect to receive a passing score for this essay. You clearly did not understand the discussion instruction. You did not represent the proper response format in the final section of the prompt restatement. The total approach you took to the discussion is incorrect. You may review the other extent essay samples here to better understand how you can approach this discussion and what other response formats are acceptable for this type of discussion.

Writing Feedback / Task 1: The table gives information about five types of vehicles registered in Australia in... [3]

Try to present a more concise presentation for this report. The Task 1 essay is normally represented in only 3 paragraphs. The Task 2 essay is what normally calls for 4 paragraphs because that essay requires an opinion anaylsis for the presentation. The task 1 essay is merely a reporting essay that does not require much analysis. The information is also presented in only 3 parts, thus making the 3 paragraph analytical report the more time efficient and concise presentation.

As you can see in the above chart, there are 3 groups presented based on the years of comparison (2010, 2012, 2014). That means, these are the 3 main presentation points, with all other information mixed into the paragraph data report. It is because of the 4 paragraph format that you miss out on presenting the better scoring essay. You are more focused on run-on sentence presentations within the 4 paragraph format. That means, you are making more GRA errors accidentally. In fact, your essay has 5 spelling errors that you missed out on correcting, thus lowering your LR score as well. If you had focused on the scoring considerations instead of creating a 4 paragraph presentation when 3 paragraphs were more than sufficient, then you would have had enough time to edit, spot, and correct any and all the errors in your presentation.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 1: diagram describing procedure of electricity generation [3]

The clearer version of writing this report is the 3 paragraph version. The 3 paragraph version allows you write less information but with more clarity because you are able to properly group the information in a quick manner that will allow you to clearly explain the image within 20 minutes, leaving you with some time to edit your work. Insisting on writing the 4 paragraph format forces you to continuously meet the minimum 3 sentence requirement per paragraph. Sometimes, the image doesn't supply you with enough information to meet that sentence requirement. However, the 3 paragraph version allows you to meet the minimum requirement. I noticed that you struggled in this writing when it came to writing the paragraphs, all because you want to use the more complex, but not time friendly version of the paragraphs. Well, the choice is yours anyway. Use the 4 paragraph version and struggle with your writing every time if you wish. It really doesn't matter to me.

If you had used the 3 paragraph version, you would not have struggled with your information presentation because you would have had exactly 3 groups with which to write this essay:

Group 1: Summary overview
Group 2: All the daytime procedures
Group 3: All the nighttime procedures

Do you see how you are the making the writing difficult for yourself? It all about the grouping of the information, not the number of paragraphs you are presenting. The standard paragraph format 3, so do not overdo it. You are risking making more errors in this part of the test because of it.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing task 2 topic: connection of news to people's life [3]

You seem to be addicted to using apostrophes in your presentation. You are using it at every turn, every chance you get. Please review the apostrophe usage rules. It is only used in several instances:

- To show ownership in a word
- To show the plural form of a word (not at all times)

Some people seem to think that the constant use of an apostrophe will make a word automatically plural. That is an incorrect belief. You can use it in contractions ( although not suggested in academic writing) and when presenting possessive nouns. There are still several other times when you should use and not use the apostrophe, but then this review is not just about the use of that punctuation mark. Kindly review your punctuation lessons to get a better understanding of how to properly use that punctuation mark.

Since this essay is a personal point of view response, there is no need to indicate, "From my perspective" or, if you want to use that line, then do not say "To begin with" as that is an unnecessary word filler. Just use a topic sentence at the start. It adds clarity to your presentation.

Good work on using Covid -19 as an example in this essay. It shows that you are clear about the topic presented and what examples can best support your opinion. That will help you score well. Bad job on suddenly changing from a single opinion defense to a comparative discussion. Since you were not asked to compare both points of view, there was no need for you to do so. This will lower your scoring potential because you altered the discussion instruction from the original .It is quite possible that this paragraph will result in a word count deduction since it is not related to your original stand, thus making your essay come in under the word count, and possibly limiting your chances of passing the test.

Never use a single sentence for your conclusion. You must always use a reverse prompt statement:
- Topic
- Reasons
- Personal opinion

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing task 1- Line gragh shows the percentage of women employed in four country [3]

There is no comparison statement in the presentation of your summary. That should be included in the presentation. An upward and downward trend should be easily identified for the reader to consider. Additionally, this is a line graph, not a simple chart. Always use the correct image description for your presentation. Familiarize yourself with the various images used in the Task 1 presentations.

The Task 1 report dies not require a conclusion therefore one should not be present in your essay. The 3-5 sentence format is required for all 3 paragraphs. So you should have further expanded on your summary overview and last paragraph presentation. You should have 190 words presented in total. Use a more expanded vocabulary. Rather than saying "10 years", indicate "a decade" which is the advanced vocabulary form of 10 years.

Never say "as can be seen" because the idea behind this report is to present a verbal picture of the graph. The reader is assumed to not have a copy of the image. Therefore, you cannot say "As can be seen". Rather, you can use a description based on how you saw the chart.

Writing Feedback / Equal funding for students' sports activities and libraries. [4]

Your introduction does not contain a good hook. It is not creative enough to restate the topic and your responses in a manner that actually makes the reader care about what you have to say. Your last sentence in particular, could make the reader walk away from reading the rest of your essay. So how can you improve it? Don't just restate the prompt and say you will discuss the topic. Make it clear that you understand the requirements of the discussion by telling the reader how you feel about the topic immediately. Connect is to something personal. For example, you enjoy reading in the library more than using the sports facilities of the school. Open with that. Use the rest of the essay to explain why. Make it personal. Do not separate yourself from the issue.

For the TOEFL essay, you can present a 3 paragraph discussion to make it easier for you to write the essay:
- Introduction
- Reason
- Conclusion

Focus on the clarity of your explanation. Do not over explain things. Remember that editing the paper is just as important as the clarity of your explanation. Lesser errors in spelling, grammar, and clarity will also help your score. You have several of those errors in this essay that were left unchecked because you thought that by writing 376 words, you would get a better score. The more error free and clearer your reasoning explanation, the better your score. Not the other way around.

Writing Feedback / The competitive sports in the school curriculum - gives confidence with abilities to reach goals [3]

When you write an extent essay, you need to first think of whether you agree with the topic. Once you figure out which opinion you support, think of the reasons why you support that opinion. Then pick the strongest opinion that you have and use that for the extent response. The format should be:

I agree/ disagree with this opinion to the degree that
I agree / disagree with this idea to the degree that this discussion...

Always give the topics that you will be using to support your opinion in the outline of the response. Make sure that you use strong convincing words in your presentation. That means I think, perhaps, maybe, or any words of uncertainty cannot be used in the presentation. Neither should you use a comparison discussion for the 4 paragraph essay. You must focus only on the convincing support or defense of your opinion in the 2 reasoning presentation paragraphs.