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Posts by Maria
Name: Maria, EF Contributor
Joined: Mar 22, 2019
Last Post: Jan 2, 2020
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Posts: 1096  

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Maria   
Jun 20, 2019
Writing Feedback / IELTS essay Task 1 on Water usage in different areas in the world [3]

@dodquynh
Hi there!

Next time, it would be beneficial if you could provide the graph alongside your post for us to properly give an assessment of your writing.

That being said, from what I can tell, the structure of your sentences need a little bit of polishing. There were instances wherein commas (and, in general, punctuation usage) were out of place and misused. Because of this reason, the flow of your essay became quite baffling. Know that these small differences can create tremendous impact in the overall dissemination of information and relaying of your information and thoughts.

Being straightforward is also essential when you're working with technical and analytical essays. Remember that your understanding of the direction of the essay is important for you to establish a firmer perspective on the situation. With that taking into account, you should let go of excessive language and focus primarily on the specific data that you wish to relay.

Take a look at this revision:

Overall, we We can see that ... Meanwhile, in the remaining regions including South ... Asia, and South East Asia, the most ... water is it is for agriculture.

Being blunt about the interpretation will help you establish also a firmer, educational and informative tone rather than a blatant information relay.

Best of luck as always.
Maria   
Jun 20, 2019
Writing Feedback / Investing on the arts is a waste of money - Agree or disagree? [3]

@nguyenvuong
Hello there. Let me provide you with feedback on your writing.

Firstly, I recommend that you try to condense your thoughts. I've noticed that you have a tendency to create quite baffling and "all-over-the-place" content because of the lack of structure. Enforcing that you follow conventional writing rules will help you integrate your thoughts in a lighter manner, creating a more resilient approach to writing in the long-run. Focus on this the next time that you write.

For example, try a revision similar to this:

..., is scientifically proven to be able to make us feel better emotionally better.

Switching around words and playing with the dynamics of your writing will definitely help you.

Take a look at this one:

What should be discussed is h How these projects should be invested and are financed should be discussed. It is definitely not a right ... a multi-million dollars theatre house. ; I instead, the money ... on the projects such as giving scholarships to students who has got the talent or with talent to support cultural arts projects to reserve ... community for artistic preservation.

Keep these in mind as you are writing. Best of luck as always!
Maria   
Jun 20, 2019
Scholarship / Personal Statement - Glocal Erasmus Mundus Joint Master Degree Consortium [4]

@rafaeladrcosta
Hi there!

Welcome to the forum.

Firstly, I have observed that you have a tendency to have quite a lot of run-on sentences. Try to structure your sentences using techniques that will let you relay the information effectively. For instance, try splitting the second sentence into two to three more. Try to not condense all of the information in such a small space as it does not contribute to your writing in the long-run, especially as it brings tremendous confusion to the readers.

In addition to this, try to evade the usage of repetitive words. Observe how there were instances wherein you were mentioning similar words continuously. If you can avoid doing this, it will help you trim down your content. Take a look at your third paragraph and observe how you were incorporating and using similar terms repeatedly.

Even as you are attempting to built your thoughts in the essay, you should always try to be strategic with the way that you are establishing information. In this essay, for example, it is quite noticeable how you were following a timeline to expound your personal statement. Rather than doing this, I suggest that you try to prioritize the information you are spreading out. In this case, I would suggest that you try to focus more on your international experiences, bridging them with your prior local interactions in globalized entrepreneurship. Having this approach will let you develop why you deserve the position while still maintaining a level-headed opinion on the overall essay.

Best of luck as always in your writing and in your application!
Maria   
Jun 20, 2019
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: CARE ABOUT ANIMAL EXTINCTION OR HUMAN'S PROBLEM? DISSCUSS AND GIVE YOUR OWN OPINION. [3]

@Dang Khoa
Hi there!

Thanks for being a consistent, active participant in the forum. Let me try my best to provide you with feedback on this essay.

For the most part, I find that your essay is well-written in that you were able to relay the message that you wished to showcase while, at the same time, being able to focus on articulating with a firmer tone that massively took advantage of examples to retell your side of the story. Well done.

I would only recommend that you try to revise your essay in a way that way structure and create a more informative tone. Enforcing this academic language will help you curate a more substantive content in the long-run. Bear this in mind as you are writing.

Observe the following revisions:

On the one hand, putting human's problem to the first priority is undeniable are undeniably to be prioritized. Firstly and foremost, human, ... Thus, e Even if there is an extinction ..., they could can create a new enhanced species with higher quality with their using developed technology. ... rules, laws, and modernize anything and other aspects ... ... world better when whereas animals can not because they only know to consume.

Notice how trimming down your essay will help you create a more straightforward and yet effective way of transmitting your thoughts into text.

Best of luck as always.
Maria   
Jun 19, 2019
Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 1 - DESCRIBING THE DATA FROM TABLE [3]

@Wendynguyen803
Hi there!

Let me try to provide a substantial feedback for your essay.

First and foremost, I think that the structure and organization of your analysis is already clear-cut and well-done. Most of my suggestions would therefore be accommodating to optimizing your essay. Taking into account that this is an interpretation-heavy content, it would be better if you can focus primarily on elaborating your thoughts with much distinction and grace. Doing so would definitely help you maintain a more in-depth format for your writing style to function more efficiently.

For instance, observe the revisions I will make here:

... hour to roughly 900. Interestingly, t This figure ... the highest, compared to two other lanes others. ... from an hourly rate 600 ... Also, t The traffic ...

I think that, in general, your writing style is already quite put-together because there's sufficient complexity in your utterances. I would only wish that you trim down the excessive fillers, focusing more on the general substance of the text.

Best of luck as always!
Maria   
Jun 19, 2019
Writing Feedback / The bar chart illustrates the age distribution of Australians who did regular physical activity [4]

@nthao9987
Hello there. Welcome to the forum. I'll try my best to provide you with feedback on your writing.

First and foremost, try to be cautious of the phrasing of your sentences. Notice how there were instances in your text wherein you were unable to properly relay information as you were caught up with attempting to squeeze all of the data into your text. While it is generally good that you are detailed, there should be matters of prioritization to be established to curate more effective information relaying. This will help you not condense everything into a compact, creating more writing depth with the ample amount of detail. Balance is critical here.

For instance, take a look at this proposed revision:

Overall, w Women did more excercises exercised more than men ... for the teenagers. Besides, the b Boys aged 15-24 and the women aged ... of total people excercising exercise.

Simplifying your language will get you a long way when working with these types of content.

Observe this other revision:

Regarding In the 25-34 ... than that for males, at 48,9% ... ... figures or people excercising regularly, at around 47% each.

Notice how you do not need to constantly mention (and repeatedly) that these figures pertain to exercising. Considering that you have already established this since the beginning of your content, it would be better to keep at it in the long-run.

Best of luck as always!
Maria   
Jun 19, 2019
Writing Feedback / Pie charts showing data on British students speaking additional languages [4]

@Truc02
Hello there!

Welcome to the forum. Let me do my best to help you with this writing exercise.

First and foremost, I find that your writing is quite confusing. There are technical aspects that I wish you to take a glance at: structure, composition, grammar, and the flow. Notice how all these facets are intertwined, especially because you are working with such detailed content. When writing analytical essays such as this that are fundamentally reliant on the analysis and interpretation of a graph, these all become critical in cultivating the details of your essay.

Observe this revision:

Overall, it is clear that while the ... who can speak Spanish, Another language, as another language and Two with two other languages ... 2010,; the opposite ... French and No other language with no other language. Moreover, the group of Spanish speaking students was were the largest group during the given time period.

You may also want to outline, restructure, and move around the general flow of your content. For instance, the last portions of your essay were kind of sporadic when it came to dissecting the information. You may want to merge altogether those paragraphs to create a smoother appearance and direction for your writing.

Best of luck as always!
Maria   
Jun 19, 2019
Writing Feedback / IELTS- parents give more freedom to children nowadays [3]

@Jipsa Jadwani
Hi there!

First and foremost, ensure that you would have clarity in the delivery of your message. It often occurs that there becomes misdirection and miscommunication because of the failed attempts to properly structure sentences. Always refer back to your English books in order to keep yourself clear of these typical mistakes.

That being said, optimizing your essay would also be beneficial for you, given that it would enable you to have hold over the content to add more depth. Remember that the usage of excesses and fillers (especially when working within word counts) often hinder us from having creative discussions in the latter portions because we waste the space that should be allocated to them. Bear this in mind.

Observe, for instance, the following revision:

There are numerous benefits ... Firstly, it thrives to improve ... and brings out ... ... experiences when they are on their own in this way. To illustrate, a A child who ... life decisions tend to learn a lot about interpersonal skills than their counterparts others, especially ...

Saying, for instance, the words "to illustrate" is often demonstrative of a specific example. Because, in your writing, this was more of a general analysis than a concrete illustration, it would be alright for you to omit these words.

Bear these in mind as you are writing.

Best of luck as always!
Maria   
Jun 19, 2019
Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Part II: Essay about the positive and negative development of tourism in some country [2]

@vietcti
Hello.

Welcome to the forum! Let me provide you with a formal substantial feedback on your essay.

First and foremost, there were instances wherein you were wasting the space you had in your essay through articulating your thoughts in a broader and baffling manner. Focus more on having specifics in your writing, ensuring that you are able to retell the story in a more concise manner. Doing this will leave you more room to expound and prioritize your sentiments.

That being said, I find that the technical aspect of your writing is sufficient in relaying the information that you wish to incorporate into your text. I would only recommend that you try to trim down the length of some of your sentences. It would help to mix together the dynamism of your lengths, creating more creativity and innovative ideas for your essay.

Be cautious of the structure of your essay. Having these small mistakes can negatively impact the overall flow, considering that you would need to balance it out with depth.

Best of luck as always!
Maria   
Jun 19, 2019
Writing Feedback / Genetically modified food as a new solution to agriculture productivity [2]

@baonguyen
Hello there!

I see that you're new here. Welcome to the forum! I hope you find feedback that you're looking for to help you in your progress as an English learner.

First and foremost, I find that your writing is quite put-together. There are no tremendous issues that cannot be resolved with minor revisions. I would only suggest that you try to optimize the space you have in your essay through omitting unnecessary words. This will give you more leverage and space to work with, enabling you to have more substantial content.

Take a look at this revision:

... especially in the stage of climate change. In particular, f Farmers may produce more and earn ... harvest thanks to the because of the new strains of plants which can ... the environment. , boosting productivity, combating against common diseases, and adapting to environmental changes.

Notice how consistency is also important when you are writing. It is insufficient to only have hold over one portion without having substantive input on other parts.
Maria   
Jun 19, 2019
Writing Feedback / What is better: academic or vocational education? [2]

@suong1510
Hi there!

Good luck with your exam in October. I'll provide you with feedback on your writing.

It is critical that you are able to write with ease while still compressing your thoughts into smaller chunks of sentences. If you are able to do this, you'll have more structure to work with in the long-run. Other than this, it is also beneficial as it would pave way for you to have more space to talk about substantial content. Because you have this, you'll be able to incorporate more terminologies and sentences that will help you curate meaningful written works.

Watch out for lengthy sentences as well. Notice that, for instance, your second paragraph is not necessarily a paragraph - rather, it came out as a run-on sentence. Try to restructure your paragraphs in a manner that will articulate it fluidly and relay the information you have with more dynamism in the overall content.

Consistency is also important. Are you planning to call them manual workers instead of jobs working on hands? Using one term to encompass all would help you streamline your writing, making your content a lot more academically appropriate.

Lastly, be cautious of the way that you expound your thoughts. Say, in your third paragraph, it would be helpful if you can put more details as to how exactly these academic areas (tech/engineering) can assist the level of innovation present in a country.

Best of luck as always!
Maria   
Jun 19, 2019
Graduate / Urban Planning / Development - KGSP-G (Personal Statement) [3]

@Adartasov
Hi there!

Best of luck in your application process. I'm going to provide feedback on your writing based on the technical portion of your essay and the overall direction of the content that you have laid out.

Firstly, be cautious of the grammar of your writing. On top of this, be wary of the instances wherein you would not follow the conventions and rules present. If you are able to follow these indicators, it would be beneficial for your overall essay as it would allow you to have an academic tone, bolstering the structure of your content. Having structured content is critical - bear this in mind. It is insufficient to only have, for instance, depth. If you cannot relay these details in an efficient manner, it would still not be effective.

Secondly, aside from the grammatical and technical portions of your writing, I would recommend also altering the way that you relay your storytelling. Organization is essential here as to not baffle your readers. For instance, you could have condensed your description of why you think that Korea is an impressive country into one paragraph as to not scatter its description all over. Afterwards, you can focus more incorporating reasons as to your personal experiences about living in the country.

While the hypothetical and idealistic paragraph on the second to the last portion of your essay is quite nice, I suggest moving these types of words to the beginning of your essay. This will establish a consistent tone that would help you in the long-run in uplifting the effectiveness of the essay.

Best of luck as always in your writing!
Maria   
Jun 18, 2019
Writing Feedback / IELTS: When designing, the use of a building is the most important, rather than appearance. [5]

@manhmoc
Hello!

I'll try my best to provide a substantive feedback on your essay.

In regards to content, I think you have sufficiently expounded on the points present. You were able to elaborate the thoughts you had, focusing on adding examples to create firmer and more established thoughts and opinions on the matter at hand.

When you're writing, you should always ensure that your formatting would be academically appropriate. You can always refer back to your grammar and/or English reference books to help you regards to this. If there are better and more concise ways to put a particular line, opt to do that than having loose and baffling details spread all over your writing.

For instance, take a look at these revisions:

..., a building is indeed planned out and ..., not just to look at for its aesthetics. People seek for practical ways to utilize a space in the most a reasonable expenditure, so in some there are cases wherein outward appearances may be overlooked. For example, that a number ... land and to settle in urban areas, putting a strain on city housing; this is to be resolved with the usage of high-rise apartments. does put a strain ... solutions.

In your third paragraph, you can opt to remove the last sentence as the previous example regarding the Eiffel Tower is already sufficient for a concrete example of the matter.

Best of luck as always!
Maria   
Jun 18, 2019
Writing Feedback / The chart reveals the data about global sales of IT products (2000 - 2003) [5]

@mphuonggg
Hi there!

First and foremost, I suggest focusing more on optimizing the space you have in your essay. Considering that you were able to create analysis and focus more on building content, you should now direct your attention into clearing out the unnecessary portions of your text to create more substantive and meaningful observations.

Aside from this, the structure and the usage of appropriate words/terms are both also necessary for you to curate more academically-appropriate texts. Formality is critical when writing these types of essays - remember this always.

Take a look at this revision, for instance:

A glance at the provided chart reveals the data about global sales of games software, CDs and DVD or video. Generally, the sales of games software and DVD went up through years.; M meanwhile, that of CDs had tendency to decrease. CDs had experienced a decrease.

Also be cautious of the formatting and the arrangement of your sentences. Take a look at this revision on your third paragraph:

When it comes to DVD, t The number ... DVD/videos also sharply climbed , but more sharply. ... under 20 billion. But then, - within 3 years, that number rocketed and reached over 30 billion in 2003, indicating a growth of 2 billion, compared to first year.

Observe how I had removed repetitive or synonymous words that you've intertwined together (ie. "rocketed" and "reached") and retained only one of them (whichever is more academically appropriate). Trying to implement this will help you establish a firmer writing style.

Best of luck as always!
Maria   
Jun 18, 2019
Writing Feedback / Wearing company's uniforms - share your opinion [2]

@HanNguyen0510
Hi there!

Let me do my best to help you with your essay.

First and foremost, I suggest the usage of more appropriate terminologies to help you establish firmer content. If you can, keep everything formal and informative. Doing this would enable you to have more of a directed focus in your content, creating more structure overall to work with. While opinions are generally acceptable in this level of writing, you should ensure that the delivery remains to be formal at the very best. Formality would help you curate more academically appropriate texts.

Structure is also critical. Make sure that you abide by the formalities necessary to establish a grounded structure. This pertains to having smoother transitions between sentences/paragraphs, using the right sentence formats, and trying not to squeeze all of the information in small condensed patterns. Elaborate if you will - but try to maintain consistency.

Observe the following revisions:

The benefit of p Putting on uniforms is to produces a distinctive ... ...formed their unique brand name through ... styles, which are to be worn by their staff at all times. ... well-known and widespread as people ... ... for unique and formal uniforms wearing worn by its flight attendants, which ... the others distinguishing them from other airlines. Despite this significant advantage, ... apparel all the time would trigger some illegal activities in relation related to fraud.

Keep in mind these comments as you are writing. Best of luck as always!
Maria   
Jun 18, 2019
Writing Feedback / Task 1: Table about the annual expenditure of college students [5]

@Thangnguyen315
Hi there!

Firstly, I find that the majority of your writing is well-composed. Despite this, I suggest that you can benefit immensely from attempting to diversify your writing techniques. Optimizing your essay will always help you have more space for substantive writing. If you can trim down the unnecessary portions of your text, you'll be able to focus more on the overall depth that you have.

Aside from that, your observations are quite on-point. The analytical perspective of your writing is well-established, making your essay critical at best when it comes to interpretation of the graph.

Observe this proposed revision:

... countries in terms of total costs ... Overall, t The total expenditure ... In addition, in all ... countries, students spent ...

It can be beneficial if you can omit portions that are already quite well-known or established even without dwelling into the specifics. Say, for instance, there's no need for you to constantly mention repetitions, especially if you were already quite explicit in the beginning portions of your essay. Learning to distinguish would definitively help you.

Having a structure that's more dynamic also would help you. Look at this portion for example:

... C went on to books , ... higher than that of students ... and B, with the figure of with 3% and 9% respectively. In terms of leisure purpose, spending of students from country B spending on this category accounted for 23%, which nearly ..., at 12% doubling the figure from country C at 12%; this was ... than the ones from country A with ...

Best of luck as always in your writing.
Maria   
Jun 18, 2019
Research Papers / Spanking: Effects and Traumas - Help with this short college paper. [2]

@ishmealruffin

Hi there! Welcome to the forum.

First and foremost, work on the manner in which you transition between your sentences. There are a multitude of ways that you can go about this. For one, you can make certain that you use appropriate punctuation. If you can accomplish this effectively, you'll have more structure to back-up your content.

In relation to this, the overall composition and arrangement of your words in the formatting of the sentences can also be baffling. Using more conventional and appropriate patterns will help you in this process.

Ensuring that you are abiding with conventional usage of words is critical when you are writing. Please always bear this in mind. Refer back to your grammar books if necessary.

For instance, in your third paragraph, you could structure and create a more concise sentence(s) here. Take a look at this proposed revision:

To piggy ... imagine this, a A parent is working two jobs and ends up coming home tired exhausted due to stress because of ... carries. ... prioritizes a boyfriend or a group of friends socializing over their child. This will lead in many ways to a child being rude disrespectful or feeling like no one cares.

Evade the usage of unnecessary descriptions when you're trying to elaborate.

Keep these in mind at all costs.

Best of luck as always!
Maria   
Jun 15, 2019
Writing Feedback / Task 2 - Townsfolk either live alone or in small family units, rather than in large family groups [6]

@acynguyen0909
Hello there!

I'll try to provide substantive feedback on your essay.

Firstly, I suggest trying to be more descriptive when you are elaborating your ideas. You mention in your third paragraph that a disadvantage of not having generations within a single household would be the absence of that elderly guidance that they can potentially provide. Put more weight into this. Introduce, for instance, a scenario wherein a younger person would want to have these interactions with the elderly. Tackle furthermore how this impacts the self-development of people in the long-run.

The second paragraph is also quite unclear with the direction of the meaning that it's attempting to relay. Are you talking about the advantages of living independently, especially because they can focus more on activities that they individually enjoy? If this is what you are referring to, please be more explicit with writing a thesis line.

For instance, you can opt to say:

On the one hand, living alone or 2 generations family has some the advantages in developing of focusing on the foundation of their characteristics. their self-development.

You should always try to write with as much intent and straightforwardness as much as possible. Always try to consider these.

Best of luck as always!
Maria   
Jun 15, 2019
Writing Feedback / Task 2- Foreign learning: advantages and disadvantages of studying abroad in the developed countries [6]

@MinhAnh
Hi there!

I think that in terms of content and substantiation, your essay was quite sufficient and well-written. You had critical input on the topic, proving a firm stance by the end of the writing. I do think that the primary rooms for improvement would be for the technical facet of your writing.

Observe these revisions:

... people are nowadays expressing a deeply growing concern about the benefits ... in the high-income countries. ... hold firmly to their belief that ... ... learning at modern developed countries ... Therefore, some arguments both ...

Ensure that you have consistency when it comes to your descriptions. For instance, developed is not synonymous to modern and high-income. Try to prioritize your phrasing. It can be quite confusing to readers when you fluctuate between descriptive words.

Consider these as well:

... evidences for other people to in support of the latter argument. ... in the industryalise industrialized nations has many disadvantages. A clear example being found to prove is that learning at modern countries here can be seriously affected by academic curriculum and alongside held expectations from ... ... studying in foreign countries makes student ... learn. exposes a person to non-conventional educational cultures.

Best of luck in your writing as always.
Maria   
Jun 15, 2019
Writing Feedback / IELTS writing T2: living in a small family unit or building an extended family? [2]

@nguyenvuong
Hello there!

I think that, for the most part, your essay is nicely well-written. You were able to elaborate your thoughts with a condensed structure and appropriate language.

I do, however, think that you can focus more on your strategic usage of terms/words. Notice how misusing terms can affect your essay's quality. Focus on these small details, considering that your writing's satisfactory already.

Take, for instance, the following lines and/or revisions:

... living on one's your own have has some great benefits. Living ... without asking for the permission ... Living alone ... idea that w We will learn to ... and be a fully grown-up.

Notice how evading repetitive usage of similar/synonymous lines, leaving more space for depth.

Consider these revisions:

If we live alone, no one who would take ... This seems to be ... issue is a growing concern in many countries.

I hope I was able to contribute to your writing.

Best of luck as always in your writing!
Maria   
Jun 15, 2019
Writing Feedback / Task 1: Development of Chorleywood village from the nineteenth to the twentieth century [2]

@DiepVu
Hello there!

I'll try my best to provide you with feedback on your writing.

First and foremost, optimize your essay. If you can use more techniques that will enable you to have enhanced structure in your essay, prefer to do so.

Consider these revisions:

... in a gradual way, which leads... changes. leading to infrastructural developments.

In general, f From 1986 to ... built through year by year yearly. Besides, t Two roads as M motorway and R railway ...

Notice how the revisions that I had made were primarily to integrate altogether portions of your essay to create a more structured approach.

Observe these other changes I will make:

Firstly, The railway was built in 1909, and located in the South of Chorleywood. It is a way connecting between connected the village's east and west East and West of Chorleywood. ... which lay laid along from North to South the north and south. Moreover, the road it had an intersection with the main road at Northeast..

It's quite unnecessary for you to continuously mention that you're referring to a specific road/railway, considering that you had already elaborated and established this as a fact since the beginning of the essay.

Best of luck in your writing endeavors.
Maria   
Jun 15, 2019
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: Watching TV is a waste of time. Agree or disagree? [2]

@Dang Khoa
Hello!

Firstly, be cautious of the formatting and structure of your sentences. While you attempt to add complexity in your writing, it does not necessarily add depth. Always ensure that you have a firm grasp of the appropriate composition before proceeding to attempt anything that's off-the-table.

Consider these revisions, for instance:

Nowadays, w Watching TV is although considered ... relievers, ; despite this, it is also ... ... TV is not healthy unhealthy and that there are more beneficial alternatives, and should ... to entertain, I strongly believe ... will gain myriads of benefit if they know ... correctly. can correctly utilize it.

Having a more academic tone is also critical if you're venturing into firmly creating a structure for your sentence.

For instance, consider this revision on the second paragraph's first sentence:

... wasteful activity. In fact, t There are many harmful channels which are ... time.

Know how to differentiate between informal and formal language. For instance, saying that a channel is "crap" is informal, considering that the term used to describe the situation is colloquial.

Keep these in mind as you are writing. Best of luck as always!
Maria   
Jun 15, 2019
Writing Feedback / TASK 1 ( IELTS ACADEMIC ) Outokumpu companies share price - LINE GRAPH [3]

@MiAnnn
Hi there!

Welcome to the forum. I'll try to provide you with feedback on your essay.

Omit the usage of filler words that do not substantially add depth to your essay. Since you're working with word counts, it would be beneficial if you can stick with using terms that are beneficial for you. If you can accomplish this, you'll optimize the space you have in your essay more, creating more of a formal structure to work with. This can also result to a more appropriate academic tone.

For instance, observe these revisions:

... of share-priced of ... from january January 2006 throught until december December 2010.
As can be ..., it It is clearly evident that the pattern of share price greatly differed over the time frame period.

At In the beginning of the course, the share price it stood at about 12.5 EUR .This ... fluctuations There were fluctuations at around 17 ...

The year 2007 experienced a rapid climb increase in the share price which reached , reaching a peak of ... The share price then It dove dramatically by 10 EUR from 30 to 20 ... and mid 2008.

Always optimize the space you have in your essay. Best of luck as always!
Maria   
Jun 15, 2019
Research Papers / CHILDHOOD OBESITY AND WHO TO BLAME - Parents, Education, Prevention [2]

@BEA2160470
Hello there!

Welcome to the forum. I'll do my best to assist you in providing a feedback.

Firstly, I suggest optimizing your essay through trimming down excesses. While you were able to effectively relay the meaning of your content, you have a tendency to make quite exhausting structures. Having an academic tone is not solely reliant on using filler words to structure your sentences; rather, I suggest evading the usage of these fillers and focus more on enhancing the scope and depth of your essay.

Say, for instance, in your first paragraph:

Obesity has a definition of is defined by body fat excesses that presents a risk to health presenting health risks. The statistics ... about on childhood ... affected and about of 13.7 million children and youth. ... problem causing posing risks on premature death... ... children ... were are more susceptible ... therefore are more prone to develop another disease developing other diseases such as hypertension, diabetes, and kidney disease and ... death

Notice how I had also ensured consistency in the usage of verb forms. Trying to articulate smoothly through having more consistent words would help you elaborate in the long-run.

Consider also the usage of sentences that are more academically appropriate. Observe this revision on the latter parts of your essay:

Frozen foods have many faces including ..., and burritos and many more, but they do not provide any good benefits to children bodies, because these types of food ... Frozen waffles, for instance, contain heavy preservatives to prolong shelf life; however, these chemicals contribute to obesity. are one of ... to obesity.

Best of luck in your writing as always.
Maria   
Jun 14, 2019
Scholarship / Monbukagakusho (MEXT) Research Student Scholarship: Field of Study/Plan [2]

@Sunflower21
Hi there!

I'll try my best to provide you with as much as feedback as I can - I hope you find this beneficial.

First and foremost, trim down your essay. I have noticed that you also have a tendency to bridge and connect together words that do not necessarily have to be merged. These are often synonymous terms that we practically stack beside each other. Evade this.

For instance, this was evident in your first paragraph. Notice the following revisions:

Institutional and organization innovations of on the Japanese law and their role/impact on Japanese the business law facets.:
This study will elucidate and analyze what institutional and organizational innovations that were ... law and how, including how they were curated. ... and the growth of ... States the consequent growth of the business relationship with other states.

Furthermore, I would recommend that you try to remain with an academic tone throughout your content. It is quite noticeable how your essay jumped into informality in several instances throughout the writing. Try to use lines that have a more informative appeal to them.

Observe how I'll edit the research portion of your essay.

Best of luck in your writing endeavors!
Maria   
Jun 12, 2019
Writing Feedback / Writing task 2: education is expensive - funding [5]

@yuanyuan123
Hello there!

Welcome to the forum. Let me try my best to help you.

Firstly, try to optimize your writing by using techniques that'll help you trim down and omit words that are merely fillers. Having a more straightforward approach to writing will help you create more dynamism in your writing, considering that it will force you to focus more on meaning and depth compared to other facets of writing.

Observe how I will revise this portion:

Nowadays. the tuition fees on children are expensive. ... some of or all of the costs to help ... learning improve educational accessibility. From my perspective, although ... these. this trend brings in advantages.

Try to be clearer with your language and use more appropriate formal tones as you are going about it.

Best of luck as always!
Maria   
Jun 12, 2019
Writing Feedback / Challenges of learning a new language [4]

@solivagant
Hi there!

I love how well-balanced your essay is. I recommend that you keep this up in order to integrate more depth into your essay. Considering that you were able to integrate a lot of depth into your writing, I suggest trying to focus more the structure of your writing. I have noticed that you have a tendency to drag on your sentences, a common mistake for learners who have established themselves.

For instance, let's take a look at your third paragraph and consider this revision:

Hopefully, t There are ... of removing the to tackle these learning obstacles to this learning process. Firstly of all, it is necessary ... language you're studying as much as possible. Also,; it is important to listenand read up on topics you are passionate about. to or read ... about. Personally, I've improved my understanding of English ... reading a lot of interesting ...

Notice how you do not lose the meaning of the content even when you omit the words "a lot of" because it's not particularly contributing to your essay regardless. Recognizing these small portions will help you in the long-run.

Best of luck as always.
Maria   
Jun 12, 2019
Writing Feedback / IELTS-2 : Should we let old languages die? [5]

@naomi1993
HI there Naomi!

Your writing is not horrible. There's always room for you to grow in your writing. Just keep going!

I'll try to provide a comprehensive feedback for your essay.

First and foremost, evade rambling when you are writing. Having a structure and following through with it is quite essential when you are writing, considering that it would help you establish more directed meaning that'll add critical depth and analysis to your writing. Doing this will help you have more balanced content that'll help you when you are writing.

Having said that, let me revise a small portion of your essay.

Firstly, if this a country or region has have their own language, they would have hold of their own culture. that means ... places well. ..., they may have chance ... language,; but for old people, it's difficult for them to learn a new language and if their own ... to live. ... new language and to let their own language die out. We have to protect their our own language to make their ... convenient. add convenience to peoples' lives.

I think that the overall direction of your thesis statement can be improved. If you are able to focus more on defining the extent of your content, you'll have more of a patterned structure to follow

Best of luck as always in your writing endeavors!
Maria   
Jun 12, 2019
Writing Feedback / The invention of computers is one of the most significant inventions all the time. Academic IELTS [4]

@otgon
Hello there!

Welcome again to the forum. Let me try to help you in your essay.

While I think that the general bulk of your essay is well-written, I highly suggest that you try to evade excessive descriptions that are unnecessary in establishing your thoughts all throughout. What I recommend is prioritizing your descriptions, ensuring that your placement of these words would also be accommodating and perfectly-fit for what is required to establish your thoughts.

For instance, let's take a look at the first portions of your essay. Consider these revisions:

... computers have been implemented or upgraded ... and have been are widely used in everyday life throughout the world. ... technological and technical innovations has ...

Notice how the way that you have merged together your thoughts (ie. "have been implemented or upgraded tremendously since their first invention") is quite indicative that you appeared more to be rambling than expounding a definition/clause. Avoid doing this if you can.

Best of luck in your writing!
Maria   
Jun 12, 2019
Writing Feedback / Lack of interpersonal skills. Causes and Solutions? [5]

@manhmoc

Hello there!

Firstly, I recommend trying to trim down the content of your sentences to make them digestible and easier to compartmentalize. Doing this will help you have more space to elaborate the pivotal portions of the essay, keeping in mind that you should focus more on depth compared to every other factor. I think that the writing techniques that you have as of the moment are quite impressive already - however, there's room for optimizing the essay by omitting lines that you do not need.

Let's take a look at your essay to show what I mean by these comments.

Recently t There are ... There are several explainable reasons for that the issue, and ... to adopt.

Failure to cooperate with the others between new employees may be attributed to some causes. Today a Advanced ... to lead an extremely convenient life, ... and a decline in socialization gathering. With less in-person interactions, a number of youngsters ... communication skills.

In addition, evading the use of filler or buffer lines will also help you trim down your essay.

Take a look at this revision:

This particular trend may contribute, more or less, to undermineing the social bonding even inside family, the very first and the ultimate form of community.

Notice how you do not need to mention that it's a particular trend, considering that it does not contribute to your essay's content.

Best of luck as always!
Maria   
Jun 12, 2019
Writing Feedback / Ielts academic essay : Spending less time at home. What are the causes and what are the effects? [2]

@byambasuren
Hello there!

Welcome to the forum. I'll do my best to provide a comprehensive feedback.

First and foremost, I appreciate the way that you had examples in the fabrics of your essay. Doing this will help you make concrete the substantiation that you had throughout the essay. In the long-run, this will be better to create firmer arguments that'll strengthen your overall writing techniques.

To improve your writing, I think that the focus should be based more on the structure and the forms that you were incorporating/using throughout the essay. If you can use more appropriate forms, you'll be able to concretely grasp an academic tone that's truly beneficial for you.

Let's take a look at your essay - I would revise the initial portions as:

... spending time of people has significantly changed than was in decades ago compared to a decade ago. ... outside of home and ..., I think. due to several factors.

Nowadays, m Many people are getting busyier than ever before. There are ... in technology. Due to rapid developments in of technology, sometimes people are getting struggleding with their jobs more than ... advancement. due to technological adaptation.

In terms of the content of your essay, I suggest trying to focus and give more of a concrete thesis to follow. It's quite unclear throughout - and until the end - what specifically you were trying to mention in your content. If you can clear this out from the beginning, you'll have more of a strategic approach to writing.

Best of luck in your writing endeavors as always.
Maria   
Jun 12, 2019
Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 2: Is global warming real and should we spend time debating other social issues? [2]

@tplinh
Hello there.

First and foremost, try to optimize your essay through merging altogether lines that are quite synonymous in terms of meaning. Doing this will enable you to have more space for substantive content that'll help you focus more on using techniques that will add depth to your essay, rather merely making mention repeatedly of random portions.

Evade using repetitive words as well. If you can, opt to omit lines that are unnecessary in establishing content. Rather, focus on expanding your vocabulary throughout the entirety of the essay.

For instance, let's take a look at your essay.

... impacts on both the environment and our society. ... over the last 10 years decade. Consequently, it has been causinged habitat loss, putting animals which puts animals on the brink of extinction. ... gradually melting, resulting to a remarkable rise in sea levels over the world. rises ... world and This puts low-lying ... ... a lot of head-splitting social problems such as immigration, joblessness unemployment and poor living standards on a large scale.

Always make sure that you are using academic or appropriate words. For instance, the formal term for joblessness would be unemployment. This means you should instead say the latter rather than the former. Establishing a firm academic tone is critical when you're writing long-form content.

Best of luck in your writing as always.
Maria   
Jun 12, 2019
Writing Feedback / Sport activities and universities should be given the same amount of money? [3]

@cauchysang
Hello there!

Welcome to the forum. Let me try my best to help you in your essay.

I think that your essay, from the get-go, is quite well-written. Although I do think that you have the necessary substantiation, the flow of the essay can be improved. In addition, you can also work on the structure that you have built for your content. What I would recommend is attempting to merge altogether thoughts that are quite similar. After accomplishing this, you'll be able to focus more on creating depth rather than stretching out your substantiation without a particular direction or focus in mind.

Be cautious of the forms of the words that you use. I've noticed that there were portions that had to be revised simply because you were using the wrong forms. Once you have resolved this, you'll be able to create a more academically appropriate essay.

Looking at your first paragraph, for instance. We can implement the following revisions:

... of money for their students' ... libraries for libraries and fitness centers. I do not agree with that point of view this. ... libraries should be received more money than student's sports activities because most of students spend their dedicate more time in libraries for study than for sport activities. Hence, university libraries need money to make more ... of books. ensure comfort for students with new technology and an increase in the number of books.

You can notice a similar observation in the second to the last paragraph of your essay.

Consider these lines:

New books ... and some ... expensive , making them more expensive.

Structure is very important in academic writing.

Bear all of these comments in mind. Best of luck in your writing!
Maria   
Jun 12, 2019
Writing Feedback / Which of the following qualities is most important to you: a) cleanliness b) humorous c) politeness [2]

@areis4ud
Hello there.

Firstly, I recommend that you optimize your sentences. Evade using lines that do not contribute to the overall depth of your essay.

For instance, taking a look at your first paragraph, observe the following revisions:

Without a doubt, c Choosing ... the a most significant factor that massively affectsing students' college life in various way. ... that the cleanliness would be the priority factors for in selecting ... Both sides may have their own ... However, i If I had an ..., I would rather like to say that the humorous would be the most valuable qualitiesy when it comes to choosing a roommate. There are several remarkable reasons and examples as below for this.

I would omit words that do not directly contribute to your essay, creating more dynamism in your writing. Notice how that's what I had done in the initial portions of the essay.

Try to structure your essay with these guidelines more.

Best of luck as always!
Maria   
Jun 12, 2019
Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 1: Percentage of employment - adults employed in seven sectors [3]

@nimbus2k2
Hello there!

Welcome to the forum. I hope you gather valuable insights from here.

I think that the structure and composition of your essay is quite excellent and put-together. My primary suggestion would be that you should attempt to omit unnecessary and repetitive words to create a more dynamic composition. For instance, there's no need for you to repeatedly mention that these are regarding the figure, considering that it's the primary object of your analysis.

Hence, a revision like this can be accommodated:

Overall, the percentages of population of engineering, medical and self-employed went up, while the figures of for the remaining sectors witnessed the opposite trend.
In 2003, the data of engineering was 16 percent compared to 18 percent in 2013. After 10 years, the figure of the medical sector rose by 8 percent. For the self-employed category, the difference between 2003 and 2013 was 5 percent.

In the succeeding sentence, I suggest that you try to optimize it as well through evading the usage of words/phrases that do not precisely contribute. When you make an observation, it would be unnecessary for you to explicit mention the figures.

Look at this revision:

... was highest of all (30 percent) and ... sector., making it equal to that of the medical sector.

Best of luck in your writing!
Maria   
Jun 12, 2019
Writing Feedback / Group working and respect to others' ideas and advice [2]

@pooria
Hi there!

I see that you're new to the forum. Welcome here!

First and foremost, I think that the depth of your essay is sufficient. You were able to provide compelling evidences of your point of views, proving that you have quite a firm grip of the content of your essay. Bearing that in mind, I suggest that you try to incorporate writing techniques that'll enable you to have more structure and depth into your essay. My observation is that you were quite focused on over-explaining your lines, stretching out your arguments unnecessarily throughout the essay.

For instance, let's take a look at the initial part your first paragraph and revise.

..., no tasks cannot be done ... Collaboration and having ... ideas is an important factor ... in succeeding every group. Some are inclined towards the opinion ... and impact on the group's results.

While it makes your essay appear complex, when working with essays that require depth and analysis, I suggest omitting words that are inessential.

For instance, in your second paragraph, observe how this revision works:

As the first..., iFirstly,if group members ... points and advice, all members can ... and their experiences without any limitations; thus, they learn from each other and develop their knowledge and expand their horizons what they already know.

Notice how when you're transitioning between sentences, there's no need for you to add a thus considering that you were already using the semi-colon (an indicator of a transition between connected lines).

Keep these in mind as you are writing. I hope that I was able to help you.

Best of luck in your endeavors!
Maria   
Jun 12, 2019
Writing Feedback / Academic Ielts: Accept bad situation or try to change it for a better one. [2]

@camocrash
Hello there!

I see that you're new to the forum. Welcome here! I hope you get the information you need from here. I'll do my best to help you.

First and foremost, be cautious of the forms of the words that you are using. Always refer back to your learning materials to ensure that you are misusing the words in your essay. That being said, a good way to evade this concern is to simplify your language. I'm not saying that you should remove all the complex synonymous terms - rather, you can incorporate more phrases that are academic rather than merely outright. If you can master this, you'll be able to optimize your essay.

Let's take a look at your essay in detail. While the opening sentence was quite innovative and creative, it surely was unable to incorporate the actual thesis statement that you should have been establishing from the get-go.

What you can do is a line that runs along:

Obstacles have two solutions: accepting or fighting against it. The essay will discuss why we should overcome these circumstances to challenge ourselves.

Evade ingraining too personalized opinions in your essay. This will reduce the overall quality of your discussion, considering that you should be an observant with an extensive analysis of the situation. While these personal accounts may help you extend arguments that you are making, they shouldn't be the core of your content.

Watch out for your usage of preposition as well (ie. in your third paragraph, it should be "on the contrary" and using in).

Likewise, be cautious of the forms of words that you are using. For instance, in the same paragraph as the preceding correction, the second sentence should be rewritten as:

Conflict with the situation demands a strong-minded endurance and the willingness to face the responsibility.

Best of luck in your writing!
Maria   
Jun 12, 2019
Writing Feedback / IELTS: Who should be responsible for cars pollution - people or governments? Give your opinion. [2]

@otgon
Hi there!

I would firstly suggest that you try to integrate writing techniques that will make your sentences simpler and yet more structured. Having an appropriate structure is critical to make sure that you have an integral technique that will allow you to expound your thoughts in a smoother manner. That being said, focus on having a formal approach to your essay. Accomplishing this is essential for you to curate content.

If you feel as though a particular phrase or line can be trimmed down, opt to do so. Doing this will force you to optimize the space you have in your essay.

Let's take a look at your first paragraph in line with this.

Nowadays, pollution to the environmental pollution is increasing at an alarming ... world; and there is are number of numerous serious factors affecting to this cause. ... factors to contributeing to the air pollution ... ... for the pollutions caused by ... others hold a different opinion saying the think the government should ...

Notice how there were better ways to phrase things (ie. environmental pollution instead of pollution to the environment) that ultimately save you space in your essay. Doing this will help you add more depth as well as you are able to explain more.

This is also a prevalent observation in the latter parts of your essay. Consider this portion:

In order tTo achieve to this goal, ... to use an environment friendly transportation types.

Notice how there was no need for you to mention that they're "environmentally friendly types" because environmentally friend is already a descriptive phrase - and it was already quite obvious and given that it was the direction of the meaning that you were trying to portray.

Best of luck in your writing as always.
Maria   
Jun 10, 2019
Undergraduate / From handpumps to Books - my commonApp personal [2]

@ughcollege
Hi there!

It would be beneficial and helpful for us to have a brief background of the target of your essay and the goals that you wish to attain by the end of it. This will help us have a more in-depth understanding of how to assess the overall outlook of your essay.

That being said, I do have a couple of key suggestions from what I can see in the essay.

Be mindful of the structure of your sentences. Consistency is key when you are writing - remember this at all times. It is critical that you are able to fully incorporate thoughts into structured patterns. Follow the conventions of writing at all times; this will, of course, help you write in accordance to the fundamentals of English. If you can get this out of the way, you'll have more grasp of the other aspects of the essay.

If you're not confined by a word count, I would extend the last paragraph. While you had quite an authentic and descriptive experience laid out in the preceding portions of the text, you can redirect your attention into focusing more on what values specifically these children have taught you. You were using quite generalized terms (ie. "these kids have taught me to be grateful and work hard to achieve my dreams"). It would be great if you could, for instance, link personal events to this analysis or concluding remarks. Was there a time in your life before that you were discouraged from persevering towards your long-term goals? If yes, make a comparative analysis of your perceptions then and now. Remember that being intimate (disclosing as much detail as you wish to) can help readers empathize more with your character.

Best of luck as always!
Maria   
Jun 10, 2019
Writing Feedback / GRE: Major cities can reflect some of the characteristics of a society [2]

@lilypad
First and foremost, I think that the essay needs a bit of work when it comes to the overall organization of thoughts. While I think that the way in which you have written is well-composed, the structure and flow needs to be polished. Having a direction, for instance, of the way that you want your thoughts to flow would generally help. What I have observed is that the composition is cluttered due to the lack of sketch. For example, if the second paragraph starts with explaining educational and economic gaps between the major cities, you can already begin to explain how Suzhou and Shanghai would be assisted through this. Start to explain how these two cities differ. Your concrete examples were focused in a vacuum in the third paragraph; redistributing them would help you create more depth in the initial parts while attempting to balance everything else.

Secondly, I highly suggest that you try to incorporate more specifics in your details. For instance, right from the bat in the first paragraph, it would be beneficial if you can showcase how specifically these cities have become the centers for arts, sciences, politics, and historical civilization. You can explain how they carried out cultural trademarks that have assisted a centered and "vacuum-sort" of growth in the cities. Why have countries specifically focused on developing these commercialized areas because of the background of the cities? What makes them truly special? Having more in-depth content and assessment of the situation would help you curate larger thoughts that'll help you in the long-run.

Lastly, the conclusion needs a little bit more work. Your overall remarks on how these cities are non-representative of the society neglects the arguments that you have made in the preceding paragraphs. What I would suggest is attempting to be more integrative with your analyses. With the examples you have given with regards to China, how exactly do you wish to go about representing the entire country? How have these examples helped you nurture your understanding of why major cities have to be studied? Be more directive and targeted with your concluding remarks.

Best of luck as always.

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