Scholarship / Scholarship Question: Why Did you leave school, why are you coming back? [3]

...expectations of my contemporaries.---- contemporaries is not the right word here. I think you could use "teachers" or "the people in my world"

Paragraphs 2 and 3 should probably be put together as one paragraph.

...dream I am choosing to chase is involves a return to college.

No, I on't think chasing dreams is bad, and I don't think the train metaphor is bad. However, I think you should ad one more sentence to both the intro and conclusion paragraphs to further develop the metaphor and ADD specifics about what, exactly, you want to accomplish as a scholar and professional.

This time, though, the expectations are my own, and I am the engineer that operates the train.

Book Reports / Powerful Afghani women in "A Thousand Splendid Suns" thesis help [5]

This is a good start, but each point within the thesis statement should be as simple as possible.

I found some great resources by googling this: thousand splendid suns themes

List three of the themes you find, and then go back to your thesis statement. Let the thesis statement be a thoughtful observation about the author's perspective. Say something about the author's intentions. Then, use each of the 3 points to support your observation about the author's intentions.

It will be arguable if you claim that Houssini has a particular view or intention that he does not necessarily have. Try to infer something about Houssini's personality, and that will make a great thesis statement. It will make it original.

Book Reports / corporate greed and the Grapes of Wrath [3]

Yeah, this is important, because we don't want it to be a situation where the work is being done for the kids, like cheating.

However, what i would do is read some sparknotes to help me understand the themes. Then, get to your reading. If you read sparknotes or google: grapes of wrath analysis...

... then you will surely have something to say about greed and the way the rich treated the poor. What was Steinbeck sending a message about. Remember that writers send messages with their stories.

Google this: selection of detail
Find out what that is, and then go back to reading the book. When you are ready, write a paragraph about how Steinbeck uses the literary device called "selection of detail." That will get you started, and you can post some paragraphs.

:-)

Undergraduate / A stepping stone: Transfer Student for the Common Application (Emerson College) [6]

Of the options available, I ended up selecting a video production class entitled "Introduction to Media."

To this day, that course, with Professor and filmmaker Theodore Lyman, was one of the best courses that I have taken in my educational career. --- this is the last sentence of your first paragraph, so when the reader gets to it, s/he pauses and thinks, "Oh, so this is what the essay is all about... a class taught by this guy named Lyman."

But actually the essay is about your reasons for transferring, so I am hoping you will give a clear answer to that question near the beginning of paragraph 2 since you did not do it in paragraph 1.

No, I see that you continue to tell a story throughout paragraphs 2, 3, and ... then you give a reasn for wanting to transfer: "...yet it just does not satisfy my particular desires." after this sentence, you need to elaborate on these particular desires to achieve a high level of specificity.

So, I suggest giving some examples of the particular interests (it's always impressive when students have particular rather than general interests in their subject matter), and ADD A SENTENCE to the end of paragraph one -- a thesis sentence that answers the question of why you want to transfer. Then, in the body paragraphs, you can tell your story and explain.

You write very well!!

Writing Feedback / Nanotechnology (implications and the future) - essay polishing [2]

There are many different implications that nanotechnology has for the future.--- this kind of sentence always weakens an essay. It is just too simple. Instead of saying it has a lot of implications, you can give a sentence about the main idea of the paragraph, which is that it has implications that are both positive and negative.

To not get confused, I had better explain weird. You can cut this sentence out altogether, I think, and it will be better. Also, I think you should put this together as one paragraph:

Nanotechnology is a type of technology that is at an atomic level called the nanoscale. The nanoscale is known by scientists as x〖10〗^(-9). This is not just smaller micro technology; it is a brand new technology where which at these scales, things gets 'weird'. To not get confused, I had better explain weird. The weirdness I am talking about is, changing of colours, increased surface area, and overall different properties, etc. Often, these unique properties have been described in Sci-fi, before scientists could find that these things were existent.

In order to show substantial improvement, add a few more paragraphs to each of the 2 sections. That is always a good idea in this kind of situation. The way to do it is to simply read a good article, write a pragraph about what it says, cite it, and repeat that process.

:-)

Undergraduate / 'my vocation in communication' - Statement for Nothwestern university, communication [3]


That is not the concern. In an era when globalization is quickly increasing and meshing us all together, cultures are blending together to create many dialects of English. You should feel confident about your bilingualism and not try to hide it.

Essays / How to write essay - "Architectural Business Strategy" [5]


Well, my guess is that you need to explain a little about the business of architecture. Many people, like me, do not know much about the business arrangements of architects. Are they involved with firms? Are the freelancers? Are they employees?

How about if you go to your school database and do a key word search for: architecture profession
That might give you good articles about the profession of an architect. Everything you need to write has already been written, so tell what the author if the article says and cite her in your paper.

Essays / Cause and effect essay ideas? [9]

Well, what to write about is easy, because there are so many options. Is that really the problem, or is it that you are not sure how to write the thesis statement, topic sentences, and so forth.

If you google this: cause effect essay
You will see lots of great explanations of how to do it. You can just use one of the examples provided and substitute your own example. Make it an interesting observation. Some causes and effects are not obvious.

How about an intro that grabs the reader's attention and then tells the reader that owning a car causes people to have less free time?

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL essay] Teachers should update their knowledge every 5years. [7]

Thanks, Naveen, I know that process takes a long time. You are nice!

Allen, it looks like you just need practice. It's okay to have many mistakes. I try to speak in Spanish sometimes because I know a little Spanish, but I must sound ridiculous because of all my mistakes. I really only know English. As you practice English, you can improve be paying attention to changes people make when correcting your work.

It would be cool if you spend a minute retyping the essay with all of Naveen's changes, and we can see if you still have any errors. So... if you have time, type another draft! :-)

Writing Feedback / In some countries children have very strict rules of behavior, [3]

Raising a child is a hard task for human being. It is also a 24-hour per day job for each parent. Raising children is the job for which people receive the least formal training.

In most situations during the process of a child's upbringing, parents use the models of their own parents. That is why upbringing methods are different and various in every family depending on the patterns they used to have. ----- very impressive idea!

Generally, bringing up a child requires the use o f discipline.

We cannot leave a child to do whatever he wants to do, but we also should not limit all his actions and behavior.

:-D

Undergraduate / My short reply on activities for the common app - my work as electrician [3]

Well, this first sentence is stll a little awkward. It would have to be:
I am wearied, I am sleepy, I smell like sweat, and my stomach has announced strike.
This looks like the kind of thing where you need to simplify:
I am sleepy, I smell like sweat, and my stomach has announced strike.

Though Yet, a satisfied smile stretches accross my face. After only two weeks of technical training, I had managed to build an entire electric system by myself. My boss

I watch the green, parched paper inside my wallet -- earned money, my meritorious reward. I feel proud.

I think you can come up with an ending that is even better than this: My pocket is full. So are my brains.

:-)

Undergraduate / U of T-Victoria College-successful undergraduate experience [4]

this first sentence should be changed, I think:
I was firstly attracted by the high reputation of Vic, since furthering my academic interest will count a large sector after entering a college. This sentence does not make a strong point, and it does not say anything very interesting. Replace this with a sentence about your vision for the time you will spend there.

this is too general: "I also anticipate my college life to be more fascinating." The key to doing well with this is describing visual things... the vision of yourself participating in a discussion with others in your program, the vision of yourself making a thoughtful contribution by taking proactive steps to start or improve a club at the school, etc.

I think you can come up with better words to describe the VISION of your work and contributions in these next few years.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Anti-social behavior, lack of respect to others -help me make some improvement [5]

This is what colons are for----> There are mainly two causes of this phenomenon: the negative influence of ...
I replaced the dash with a colon.

Another problem is that the decline of family and poverty are different problems, so you have to write:
There are two main causes of this phenomenon: the negative influence of mass media, and the decline of the family. and poverty.
You should not include poverty in the introduction if you are not going to talk about it in the essay.

If you want to add a paragraph about poverty, you can write:
There are three main causes of this phenomenon: the negative influence of mass media, the decline of the family, and poverty.

Then you would have one body paragraph about mass media, another about the decline of the family, and another about poverty.

:-)

Undergraduate / University of Illinois, Psychology undergrad: Academic Interests and Prof. Goals [6]

My mother, who was a nurse's instructor at the time, took time out of her busy schedule to sit down with me and teach me, letter by letter, how to rea d. ------ too much focus on the details of what she did. the mention that she was a nurse's instructor confuses the sentence. I think you should replace this sentence with TWO sentences that support the idea that it was a gift with lifelong value... instead of talking about "taking her time out of her schedule" because a parent is suppose to have teaching you as part of the schedule.

The rest of the essay is very impressive, but I think you should challenge yourself to try to use 4 sentences in each paragraph...no 3 sentence paragraphs. it goes:

topic sentence
explanation/elaboration
example
evaluative/thoughtful conclusion sentence

I am mostly concerned with what you do about the end of that first paragraph. Instead of just saying she taught you letter by letter, give the thoughtful observation that will become the theme of the essay, the main idea that the reader takes away from it.

Undergraduate / "the first one in my family to attend a university" - Common App Essay [4]

finically
financially

e.t.c.
etc.

I feel more prepared and ready than ever, and I look forward to all the challenges which my new institute is going to present. with.

:-) this is a great, inspirational story! I'm so glad your family is doing you well and that you are taking your education! Choose a profession you will love every workday!

Undergraduate / What's life without a little challenge? - transfer for challenge [5]

letter from a U.S. college
or
letter from an United States college

With the TOEFL, SAT, and applications on top of the usual Chinese high school workload , my schedule had been so full that every minute was planned out beforehand.

Now, almost a year had has passed, and never for once did I regret the decision I made last March.

However, deep down inside, I know all along, that this not everything I want and my life is still far from perfect.

Nice! You write so well!! You will definitely be accepted everywhere you apply.

Writing Feedback / "big or small inventions and their roles" - English Composition Clep [2]

When you use a semi-colon, you are supposed to have a complete sentence worth of words on each side of it. so, in this part, you need to add some words:

...; for example, liquid paper, post-it-notes, and headphones.
You need to make it a complete sentence on each side:
The 20th century has seen the advent of many new inventions, from large inventions, such as the automobile, computers, and microwave ovens to smaller inventions; for example, liquid paper, post-it-notes, and headphones are small but significant.

But that is a lousy sentence, anyway... I think it is better with no semi-colon:
The 20th century has seen the advent of many new inventions -- from large inventions, such as the automobile, computers, and microwave ovens to smaller inventions, such as liquid paper, post-it-notes, and headphones.

put the comma inside the " marks, and capitalize What:
Although most people in response to the question, "What would you consider to be the most significant inventions of the 20th century," might list large...

In comparison, large inventions such as the automobile are not utilized by as many people, which lowers the number of people who receive a daily benefit from its presence. ---- this one is sort of awkward. I got rid of a comma. But... really, you write without much error at all! I'm sure you will clep out of the comp class. But definitely pick up a copy of Strunk and White's Elements of Style so that you can learn all the details of correct writing.

My recipe for paragraphs when you take that test:
sentence 1 the topic sentence gives the main idea. One paragraph = one idea
sentence 2 explain what the topic sentence means, just elaborate a little.
sentence 3 give an example and/or a quotation
sentence 4 give an evaluative conclusion sentence that says something about the implications of the statement made in the topic sentence or a transition sentence that says something about the topic sentence and whatever the subject of the next paragraph is going to be.

good luck on the test!

Undergraduate / "the ability to lead" - My statement of purpose for UT [7]

This should be a dash instead of a semi-colon:
During my years of schooling classmates have always tended to look to me for an answer -- for guidance in what they should do.

...and I believe it what is necessary to ensure my acceptance to the University of Texas at Austin.---- because of this sentence, it would be good to spend a sentence or two in the middle paragraph explaining something you are going to do. I would change it to say this:

...and I believe it what is necessary to ensure my acceptance success at the University of Texas at Austin.
(and then in para #2 you should tell about some things you are going to do during your time there. Name specific clubs and programs, and tell about a clearly envisioned plan. A leader has to have a plan.)

:-)

Writing Feedback / Compulsive buying disorder (CBD): Conceptualization and classification [6]

This is so good already, I don't really see errors to correct... so I have to nitpick! You could write at least 4 sentences per paragraph to make each well-developed. You give good topic sentences, and after each you should give a sentence of explanation/elaboration, then an example, and then an EVALUATIVE conclusion sentence.

Some of your paragraphs only have 2 or 3 sentences. Your writing is so great, though, you should try to make each paragraph "full." But really, it is not always possible to make something into a full paragraph. This, for example, is great as it is: To the average layperson, the classification of a mental disorder, such as CBD, may seem unimportant. After all, what's in a word? But the nosology of a mental disorder has profound and far-reaching implications for patients, researchers, therapists, and society as a whole.

All this about adding different names for things is what I hate about psych. I almost went into the field, and I am sort of glad I didn't, because so much of it is this kind of word-mixing.

Your APA is great... if you have any uncertainty about the formatting or punctuation of your ref. list you can post it here and I'll look at it.

here is an idea:
One has to question whether this is a path that psychology, a scientific discipline, should be heading down following.

Writing Feedback / toefl writting:Printed books have greater effects on society than television [2]

In fact, people in growing numbers prefer television to printed books, considering it efficient and effective. Yet, there are still some who stubbornly support printed books for traditional obtain information habit. As for me, I like to gain information by watching television rather than reading printed books.------ well, it is going to make your brain lazy! You should read often to interact deeply with people's ideas, instead of passively accepting what is on TV. I think you cannot compare them; television cannot replace reading. It is too different! :-)

It must be noted that printed books seem to not be able to catch up with the high speed of development of modern society, and there are millions of people who absorb knowledge and get updates on things that occurred recently or are currently happening by watching television.

Additionally, the television could provide us the latest information about what happened and what is happening around us. No one could deny that ...

From what have been discussed above, we may confidently draw the conclusion that the television holds more advantages than printed books, such as the ability to transport information faster and save our valuable time. Television will continue contribute great benefits to our life and the development of society.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL IBT ESSAY "Telephones have had more positive effects on human kind than TV [2]

Don't write it all as one long paragraph. Separate it into some 4 or 5 sentence paragraphs:

...telephone, and my reason can be explained in the following way: television covers all aspects of information in your daily life. ---- now, right here, end the first paragraph and start paragraph 2:

We can learn a huge amount of information from television, such as...

Use a capital D for Discovery.
Use a capital letter every time you start a sentence.

Oh, I'm sorry, I see that you did use paragraphs. The first one is too long, though! :-)

...and if we like one of them ,we can directly buy it. This saves us a lot of time and the prices of the products are always reasonable.There is another program called"Children Donation" on television. From this program, we can see...

...with friends and family,which is actually tedious and boring. ---- your friends and family are tedious and boring?!

You should use a spell checker program:
Admittedly, it is true that ...

:-)
your writing is very clear and easy to understand, with only minor mistakes.

Undergraduate / Carnegie Supplement: why major (Electrical and Computer Engineering), goal [4]

In order to show a clear answer to the prompt, pretend you have to answer the question in a single sentence, and write that sentence at the end of the first paragraph. I suggest putting that short 2nd paragraph together with the first, and then adding one more sentence to the end of it - the thesis statement that answers the prompt clearly and directly.

That will make the rest of the essay powerfully support your answer to the prompt.

:-)

Undergraduate / "Almost at the bottom!", Common Application Main Essay [21]

Ha hahaha, well, I was guessing. We are all the same, anyway, we humans. :-)

Undergraduate / "become an air traffic controller" UT transfer studen/ Statement of purpose [3]

use 2 commas when you add something extra to a sentence like this:
"So tell me, kid, how did someone like ...

The intro has great descriptions, and the aspiration to help struggling students is very impressive.

I knew that if I wanted my dream to come into fruition I would need to hit the reset button on my life.

answer that would make my success less of an enigma to him . Then I realized one of the most important lessons I ever learned.

Writing Feedback / ESSAY 250 WORDS - IELTS - Politicians and Scientists [4]

Number agreement, and use a comma:
Scientists and politicians have played important roles in the world lately, as their researches and decisions have effects worldwide.

...change the course of the history.

When you write a paragraph start with a TOPIC SENTENCE that tells the main idea of the paragraph. one paragraph = one idea. Do not write paragraphs that have only one sentence; sometimes it is okay to do that, but not when you are practicing the skill of good composition. Use a topic sentence, and then give another sentence that explains it. Then, give a sentence that gives an example. Finally, finish the paragraph with a thoughtful sentence that says something more about that idea in the topic sentence. That is how to write a good, well-developed paragraph.

:-)

Scholarship / Scholarship letter for my high school's college scholarships- engineering [4]

To advocate for something is to speak on its behalf. You should write:
I advocated opted for the hardest classes possible.

In math, foreign language name the languages you studied
..., and many electives, I was one to two years ahead of my grade level. --impressive!!

As a junior I took AP Calculus AB and BC, completed my school's math program and received AP scores of 4 and 3. As a senior, the only math class available was physics, which was ridiculously easy for me.---- I suggest saying something more humble here; for example, you can say you were surprised to discover that you had a knack for it and that you were able to help many of your peers as they struggled with it. Physics itself is not easy... though your class might have been.

For that intro paragraph, and for the whole essay, you need a central idea, a theme that will inspire you and the reader. When you have a vision for the future that you are passionate about, it will be easy to write an intro that comes from the heart. So.. do not try to force it. Meditate on your aspirations and wait for a sentence to come to mind -- a sentence that really feels right. That is how the intro will come together. Read through the essay slowly, and wait for that perfect sentence to come to mind... one that plants a memorable idea in the reader's mind.

:-)

Writing Feedback / A point to believe - Can anyone help me to short my creative essay? [15]

The whistle blows, and I hesitate. ---- I think this is better, but maybe you made it 2 sentences as a matter of style, trying to convey hesitation. I like it. You have a unique writing style, and some very good descriptions.

how many sacrifices I will make before I accomplish my goal, to savor the lusciousness and to and seize my dreams, but I sure do know something: I will run.

For a title... on the run seems to simple, and it is a cliche. It is better to give a title that expresses your idea of making running a metaphor for all your effort in life. Maybe your title should include the word run and also the word life. Running for my Life.

??

:-) I don't know. he important thing is that you are a gifted writer. Keep it up!!

Undergraduate / 'Changing people's lives' - Community Service- Synthesis Essay [5]

Thanks, Jon, I was having a slow-thinking time, I think!

Letters / Persuasive Letter (proposal for change, rapport, credibility, logical arguments) [2]

Well, to tell the truth, this essay benefited me a lot. I think that it is great advice, and that for people trying to make a website profitable it really has some keys to success. I like this tengoldenrules.com

Jon is talking about some longwindedness, and I agree. the first para is condescending.

It absolutely is true that you need to enable visitors to interact, and that a forum creates a kind of family...

Revise for conciseness, but really, this is very good advice!!

Undergraduate / Personal Essay for Adult student with sub-par educational background [3]

This is as impressive as these things get. I am pretty blown away by it. As someone who considers himself a pretty good writer, I have to say I would be hard pressed to accomplish someting this good. Not trying to blow a lot of happy sunshine at you, but... that is the impression I got.

Your accomplishments and writing style together make this a perfect essay. You don't need any help from me! Please click on EF Contributors at the bottom of the screen!

as a matter of style, you can weed out some commas:
I know now that I am ...

Yet, here you need a few more commas in order to be perfect: a gifted communicator, leader, and problem solver; I know that I am passionate about helping others, and I know that I am capable of achieving what I set my mind to.

So, after three years, I am ready to return to college, finish my degree and continue to Law School.

Excellent, I hope to hire you as my lawyer! Seriously, I have a good feeling about your process. You seem to be living a powerful life.

Graduate / Statement of objective-SINGAPORE MIT ALLIANCE SMA [4]


This seems like something really nice. You should be excited about expressing your creative inclination and showing what you have to offer.

What you are getting ready to do is make a statement that is nothing less than a statement of your position and value in the world. This is very significant, more significant that graduation.

If you will just start by making a LIST of your interests and accomplishments, and the articles you are reading, we can help you turn each list item into a paragraph, and it will be a powerful statement.

Writing Feedback / marvellous pakistan [3]

When you write, use capital letters at the beginning of every sentence. When you write the word Pakistan, capitalize the P. If you are struggling to learn English, maybe you did not know about capitalization.

When the sentence ends, use a period, and start a new sentence:
Pakistan has beautiful sceneries that are attracting tourists from all around world. Th ese include kalam, swat, muree, hunza, ziarat qnd many more that are worth seeing . Pakistani nobel-prize winner scientist abdu salam who have has solved nuclear physics problems. Pakistan is acting working actively for the global peace and is paying a hulk price for it.

:-) you are great! keep practicing

Undergraduate / Economic field + Volunteering - U of Illinois (Trasfer) [4]

Beyond just enabling me to apply its concepts in real-life situations, it also provides me with provides me with eyes to see how economic factors affect our society, with its fluctuating ______________. (you finish the sentence)

I hope that helps! Show me if you come up with a good ending for that sentence!

Letters / curriculum vitae for the admission in p.hd.-SMA (singapore M.I.T.ALLIANCE) [4]

Yes, that advice from Jon is pretty great. I also want to add that I think you should start by making a list of what you want to include. If you look at some templates and examples, and then make a list of all that you want to include (not just accomplishments, but also your PLANS for the future), we can help you create something very impressive.

So start with some examples and templates, and then make a list and post it here. Soon, you will be seeing it take form.

:-)

Essays / How to write essay - "Architectural Business Strategy" [5]

I hope this is not a silly question, but do you mean you want to formulate a business strategy for your work as an architect? Or is this about a fancy kind of business strategy?

Are you planning to be an architect? If so, this is the time to put some thought into what kind of business you want to run. For every field of expertise, you have options for how you want to run your business. Who do you know that is a self-employed architect? What kind of business strategy does she ue? Whatever it is, I bet it involves internet marketing! tengoldenrules.com

:-)

Writing Feedback / garbage sites, safety council - GRE Argument [4]

The end of the thesis statement is unclear! I'll try to improve it:

However, according to because of several flaws in the study and no evidence of failing to engender can prove that serious health threats associated with the rubbish grounds will not arise in the future, the argument is unconvincing.

You write very well!!! Some ideas are just difficult to explain. For example: No evidence can show that no health hazard will appear in the future. ---- this sentence is awkward because of the 2 times we say "no."

Because no evidence about can sow that no significant health hazard will arise due to by trash sites in the future, the announcement of council is unconvincing. Maybe some bad effects on health exist all the time, but not yet lead to significant disease.

Writing Feedback / Essay on describing MY REGULAR WALK [7]

Every evening, I prefer to go for a walk around the building in which I live.

After three right turns , I return to my flat.

After turning right at the traffic lights, I can see a large fitness center that is pretty famous in my city. Then turn right again, as i walk, I can see a large building of China Bank. After the last right turn , I can see a large Japanese restaurant. After walking for about 100 meters, I am back to home.

As I am walking, I always think about some strange questions, like: what will happen to differences are made in my life by the fact that I am a girl? Do my parents love me? Can I make a large sum of money if I open my own business? Anyway, there are still no answers for my questions. ----- excellent!!

Writing Feedback / In achieving happiness,relationship is of more important than anything else. [2]

Thus the most frequent reason given for studying has changed to be a desire to become an authority in a field or helping others to the desire to make a lot of money.

That last sentence of your first paragraph is beautifully written.

Naturally people live with better mental health when they participate in socialization. Person to person relations can be of many types: personal loving relation, blood relation, peers, neighbors etc. Significance of all these relations upon us is denial (what is this supposed to mean? I don't get it.)

They stimulate and energize us through praise about good deeds, resist discourage us from doing wrong by using criticism, and lead us to right path giving suggestions. and many more.

This is full of wisdom!!

Writing Feedback / TOEFL"It is better to marry some who is similar to you rather than different [4]

This phrase is most commonly used by everyone at the time of in discussions about the marriages. Some believe that marrying a person similar to you in nature would build successful relationships, between them while others believe that opposites attracts each other and complete each other, and therefore make a happy and healthy relationship between them . In my opinion, the former view is correct: of similar nature is the key of successful marriage.

You are probably right! Opposites attract, but similarities lead to understanding.

Essays / pros and cons of cars - developing my essay [11]

You can't say "its" because you are talking about more than one ("cars"):
Although,its their drawbacks pertaining to the environment should not yet be neglected, in my opinion,with some appropriate measures,cars can be our loyal friends.

Specifically(In other words), Cars bring people more freedom and happiness.

Use a semi-colon here:
Take camping for example; driving a car can save ...

Both are good:
On the other hand, it is undeniable that the...
Nevertheless, it is undeniable that the...

With the discovery of new energy resources, cars will be increasingly popular in the future.

:-)