Writing Feedback / Topic: the ways in which humans are damaging the environment (solutions from govs and individuals) [4]

Analyze the prompt you were given. There were 2 questions presented, both of which required a direct response in the paraphrase. This is being done in the original prompt to help you, as the writer, to better brainstorm and outline your response to the discussion topic. All you have to do, after you restate the topic, is respond to the questions directly, assuring you of an average to higher than average TA score, depending upon your presentation. For this essay, you could have gotten a better TA score if you had immediately given a response to:

-The damage humans do
-Possible government response
-Individual person response

So the restated prompt should have been similar to:

The activities of human beings, such as the unabated use of petrol products, have caused an increase in the overall temperature of the climate. Thus leading to hotter weather. The government can help ease this situation by regulating the sale and use of petrol products. While humans can help slow down the planet's temperature change by lessening the use of petrol in their daily lives.

Once this response outline has been clearly made, establishing what the topics for discussion will be in the essay (this is a 5 paragraph essay by the way), the TA score will find an immediate increase as the writer clearly shows an analysis of the question and an ability to quickly develop an applicable response in short form, in English.

You show a good understanding of the prompt requirement based on your discussion paragraphs. However, there is a lack of explanatory development in your presentation. I strongly suggest that you limit the use of word fillers:

- There are many contributors to the deterioration of the climate.
- The first is...
- For example...
- Various steps should be taken by the national governments and individuals to resolve these severe problems. Firstly...
- As individuals,

These are all word fillers that prevented you from simply stating the facts, thus creating a cohesive discussion presentation which then leads to a coherent discussion paragraph. Topic sentence focused essays, with less to no word fillers always score better in the C&C and GRA sections.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing task 2: Causes and solutions to urbanization. [3]

It is always best to respond directly to the questions posed in the original prompt so that you can have an actual guideline for the writing of your essay. The most important thing to remember is this: When asked to write about reasons and solutions , that means the plural form of the singular words, you have to use 2 connected reasons and solutions. That means, the response will require you present an outline of your discussion plans. As such, you will need to indicate a clearly developed sentence response such as :

People tend to move to urban areas due to lack of rural development.This is best seen in the income difference between rural and urban areas cause the rural dwellers . The government can address these these two problems through the development of the countryside and increased payment for the farmer harvests. Both of which address the urbanization problem.

From there, you can use 2 paragraphs to discuss the related topics:

Par. 2: Urban migration is primarily caused by the lack of rural development... This lack of financial support from the government leads the farmers to move to the city, where workers are better supported by the government.

Par. 3: The government can resolve the urban movement problem by increasing the training received by provincial workers and increasing the cost of purchase on the government side for the farmer produce. Both of which will result in a better financial capacity for the farmers, thus reducing their need to move to the city.

The above presentation is a sample of how you could have addressed the topic in a manner that will achieve a better than just passing band score. Outlining the response in the paraphrase section means you will not have to keep referring to your brainstorming list while writing your essay. The direct response allows you to have a permanent discussion topic list, preventing you from over or under discussing any particular section of the presentation.

Writing Feedback / Writing task 2: positive and negative impacts of robots [2]

Since this is your first essay, I can understand why you would end up messing up the discussion format like you did. I guess you are self studying from a book and trying to imitate what you see. That is the problem with self-teaching. You do not know when you are making a mistake in your presentation and how to fix it. So it will be best for me to open your eyes to the formatting situation of your essay first.

The first thing you have to understand is that you are required to outline your discussion parameters, based on the discussion instructions, after you paraphrase the original topic. For this type of essay, you must not present your direct opinion at the end of the paraphrased paragraph. That is because there is no direct question being asked that would require you to take such an action in your writing. Instead, you will merely deliver a restatement of the discussion instruction. regarding presenting 2 points of view, prior to the presentation of your opinion.

It would appear that in this essay, the best approach for you to have taken would have been to present your personal opinion per discussion topic. Based on your current presentation, you would have been able to present a solid opinion per paragraph using the following format:

Topic sentence: Positive impact (one topic only)
Explanation: Why this is an acceptable part of robotics based on the public point of view
Your opinion: Covering 2 sentences. Either you support this positive opinion or not.
Opinion Explanation: Supporting discussion of your personal point of view.
Total: 5 cohesive and coherent sentences

Use proper second or third person pronouns in your discussion of the public point of view to show that you are not yet presenting your personal opinion. When you explain your opinion, use the first person point of view. That way the examiner is clear about who is saying what and why. It adds up when he considers your C&C plus GRA score.

Never present your opinion as a single closing sentence. You have to present it either as a combined part of the 2 points of view discussion or, as a stand alone paragraph prior to the concluding summary. Your opinion needs to follow the formatting requirements of 3-5 sentences with supporting explanations and / or examples. The essay you presented is good but it does not represent the format required for the discussion. You may want to follow one of the two discussion suggestions I made here. Either use:

- The combined opinion approach (Public POV + Personal Opinion)
- 2 Paragraph public POV + 1 Personal opinion

To assure yourself of a better formatted and discussed essay presentation.

Writing Feedback / The map describe the change of the urban area in San Jose from 1995 to present. [2]

We need the diagram uploaded to the server so that a comprehensive review of your essay can be completed. I do not have a comparison point for your presentation so I cannot review your work for content and prompt responsiveness. I will just do a general review for now. Remember to upload the image next time so you can get a complete review for your work.

There is a clear subject-verb problem in the essay. Yo were supposed to say "... has been increased slightly..." not, " ... have been increased..." The summary overview is incomplete. It does not give me a run-down of the image provided information. So , as the examiner, I am left confused by the discussion presentation. You have to make sure to enumerate all of the important discussion points, include the keywords, and consider how those all play into the final presentation of the trending statement.

Your illustration description does not sound like you are restating it in your own manner. It sounds more like a cut and paste of the original presentation. Then again, I cannot be sure since you neglected to give us a copy of the drawing you based your report on. The essay should be presented in a 3-4 paragraph format. You only presented several hanging sentences, which should have been formatted into a paragraph form, and 2 separate paragraphs. The summary overview is the first paragraph and that requires the 3-5 sentence presentation. Do not separate the sentences, those create hanging sentence presentations and do not help increase your GRA score since you are not presenting those in a proper paragraph format.

Writing Feedback / WRITING TASK 2: SHOULD FOREIGN LANGUAGE STUDY BE A REQUIREMENT IN EDUCATIONAL SYSTEMS? [2]

Do not refer to scientist. Always use a general reference to information. Never make it sound like you researched information. The info has to come from your personal knowledge, experience, or observations. So using general terms would be best for the presentation. When responding to the question, you cannot respond with uncertainty. You need to offer a clear and direct response to the question. There is no "I suppose" in the response because that would mean that you do not have a clear opinion on the topic. Uncertainty will always lead to a lower TA score because you failed to offer a direct supporting opinion or response to the given question.

The second paragraph of this essay is difficult to understand. What exactly are you trying to say? Please remember that you cannot think in your native tongue and use word equivalents in English. That will result in an incoherent essay and problematic vocabulary usage. The second paragraph of this essay will definitely lead to a low LR and GRA score, along with an extremely affected C&C scoring due to the lack of clarity in the paragraph.

The concluding paragraph does not represent a proper summary of the previous discussion. It is too short at only 2 sentences. That needs to be at least 3 sentences long. After all, it is a restatement of the topic and related discussion points.

Scholarship / Health economics - Australian Award Supporting Statement Question [2]

In example one, you are presenting 2 examples instead of only 1 example as required. Drop one of the two examples you are using. Keep the one that you feel best responds to the example requirement. I think you should keep the first one since that has the lengthier explanation and hence, can be seen as the more relevant example for the discussion.

Try to develop at least a paragraph that will clearly explain the basis of the constraints you are mentioning in your response. Relate the constraint to the example you are presenting in order to prove that you will certainly need to overcome this hindrance in order to achieve your end goal. Right now, the hindrances you present do not make too much sense. It lacks discussion development. Try to expand on the explanation because it will help to support the reason as to why your example is a requirement for personal and career advancement in this particular field.

Writing Feedback / IELTS PIE CHART: The graphs compare the different types of energy manufacture of France [2]

Your presentation is 2 words short of the minimum word requirement. That means, you will be given points deductions in the TA section in relation to the missing words. You have to make an effort to complete at 3-5 sentences in the summary overview. That is the best way to assure that you will hit the minimum word count and more. That is because the summary overview allows you to present a rough description of the essay content; from the topic, measurements, data collection source, collection method, measurement type, and trending statement. All of these information present the examiner with the outline of the upcoming data report. When combined with the other paragraph presentations, you will always be over the 150 minimum count.

Do not capitalize words that are not proper nouns in the presentation. Coal does not represent a proper noun and as such, does not need to be capitalized. Unless, the word is used at the beginning of the sentence, in which case, the capitalized version is required for the presentation.

Good work with your comparison discussions. You could have had at least a passing score with this essay if you did not come in under the minimum word count, which resulted in a percentage of scoring deductions that would have affected your final score.

Writing Feedback / Line graph task 1: The line graph shows the percentage of New Zealand population from 1950 to 2050. [3]

Your paragraph presentation needs work. You have a tendency to write confusing sentences. That is because you are focused on delivering long sentences in every paragraph, rather than properly developed complex sentences. You have made the common mistake of writing long sentences to represent complex sentences. That is not the case. These long sentences that you have written normally combines 2 thoughts into one sentence. That is why the sentence, though rife with data, does not properly translate to most readers. You need to divide the sentences into topics as well. It will never hurt your essay presentation to have you format your paragraphs with 3-5 sentences each. That is the recommended sentence number per paragraph because the writer will be able to divide the thought presentation per paragraph clearly, using that sentence number.

Do not misunderstand me. Your presentation of data is complete. It is the format that is holding back your essay from achieving a coherent presentation. Even if you present the data in relevant form in the essay, if you do not properly format the sentences, the presentation format will cause stress for the examiner as he reads the essay, which will cause him to score down your work.

Writing Feedback / Topic: Wealthy nation should assist poorer countries with humanitarian relief during natural disaste [2]

This essay is bound to get a failing score based mostly on the fact that your explanation is extremely difficult to understand. Your vocabulary is not very good. Your thought process if difficult to ascertain, causing the overall presentation to leave the reader confused, stressed, and uninformed. You are clearly incapable of presenting your thoughts in a coherent English manner. You do not have the ability to string together an understandable simple sentence. Your essay is filled with incomplete thought presentations. There is no clear demarcation between the paragraph topic and a relevant explanation supported by valid examples. Basically, the essay does not work because you cannot think in English. That lack of capability on your part means you also cannot write in English. So 400 plus words of English words will not help you pass the test. You do not meet the scoring rubic requirements even though you wrote so much English words. Again, just because you fill the paper with English words, if it does not make any sense to the examiner, you will not pass the test.

Writing Feedback / Illegal music sites on the internet are a serious threat to the industry [3]

Wherever you read the word "OR" in the discussion instruction, that means you are being asked to analyze the topic and reasons for the discussion first. Then, you must come up with a single opinion to defend in the essay. In this case, you are being asked to decide regarding the degree of your agreement or disagreement with the presented discussion. That said, your response indicates that you did not choose a side to discuss and, you did not spend any of the 40 minute time allotment brainstorming and outlining your possible discussion points. The examiner will score this essay below the passing mark on the TA section because of the lack of a clear position on the discussion.

Your essay also offers an opinion in the conclusion. A suggestion was made regarding possible solutions, when none was required in the task requirement. So your essay also discussed topics not related to the original discussion. Hence, the examiner will not be able to score you well in the TA section. Once you come in under the passing score in the TA section, there is no chance that the essay will pass the remaining criteria and deliver a passing score for you. Your overall essay cannot pass because of the following reasons:

- You did not deliver a clear opinion in the prompt paraphrase
- You did not pick a side to discuss in the essay
- You did not respond in the proper format to the discussion question
- You included non-required discussion content in the essay

Research Papers / Transcending Home Video - Rough Draft ( RESEARCH ESSAY) [2]

In the first part, you need to revise the part about the career. YouTube is the channel where the "YouTuber" uploads his content. The career people engaged in producing media content for YouTube is known as "YouTubing" and the person who owns the channel or produces the content is known as a Youtuber. You will have to edit the reference content in the essay to reflect the proper terms used to describe the YouTube community members.

I feel like the focus of the research is not proper. I think you should be using the compare and contrast type of research presentation in this essay because YT is now seen as the new alternative to film making. It is film making on the cheap side, but with the same elements and demands as that of a full length movie, documentary, or television production. So if you really want to prove that YT is a real job, then do that by proving that there is no difference between the standard entertainment production requirements (which also accepts product endorsements, integrated into the script content as opposed to direct sponsorship blurbs on YT).

What you have here is an excellent draft. A good start, there is room for more research, evidence presentation, and opinions in the presentation. I suggest you look into the avenues I presented above. I believe that these should help you gain a better insight into the topic and allow you to present a more educated and informed research paper.

Writing Feedback / The graph shows the amount of money spent on books in Germany, France, Italy and Austria 1995-2005 [3]

Kindly focus your writing on your grammar and content rather than the word count. When I checked your essay, I discovered that you had written over 200 words. Something that is achievable during the cbt test, but not an assurance that you will pass the test. Your report is riddled with grammar errors, which would have a score lowering effect on your final score. Remember, the time allotment is 20 minutes for the task. You need to leave at least 5 minutes to review your work. Now, if you happen to be a fast typist, then make sure you spend the remaining time reviewing any potential mistakes in your data report that needs to be corrected. Spending time editing the report, rather than writing a long report, will result in a higher score.

Grammar issues include the wrong usage of a semicolon. In the section; "... just over 60 million in 2005:" You should have used a period at the end. That was the end of a sentence, not the presentation of new information. Review the plural word usage rules, or better yet, look into the plural formation of words. Million is already in plural form when referring to the listed amount. No need to add an S at the end. The S is used at the end when you refer to several counts of millions.

Your summary overview has the following elements presented correctly:
- Topic
- Image identification

Missing overview information:
- List of countries
- Money amount reference (millions)

Incorrectly presented:
Country name- German = Germany
...money spent on book = ... money spent on books
Italia = Italy (use the reference as seen in the chart regardless of the other name of the country)

Letters / Write a letter to the students in your school. [2]

Are you sure that you gave the complete instructions for the writing of this essay? You cannot give the wrong or incomplete instructions and then imply that my advise is incorrect. If you do not give the complete and correct instructions, do not expect to get proper, usable, and valid advise from any user here, not just from a contributor.

Remember, the advice you get is only as good as the instructions and work you provide. So do not tell me that you did not include something in your instructions, I will not advise you again if you continue to give incomplete instructions that make me look incompetent as an adviser when it the student's inability to provide the complete instructions that caused the error in advice. I require complete and valid instructions along with your essay. Otherwise, do not complain about the advice that you will be receiving from me.

You did not include the discussion points as included in the instructions for this essay so do not say that you forgot to give the information or "I did not include it but..." you do not have any excuse for not giving the complete information in relation to the review of your essay, or when you review any other student's essay. You cannot expect to receive correct and useful advice when you are not providing the complete requirements for the review of your work.

Use a hyphen when writing the name of the club: After-School Sports Club

Your grammar is incorrect:

The club meeting will be held...

The club consists of different sports, all fun...

Since you are referring to a series of sports activities, the plural reference point "are" instead of the singular "is" should be used. Do not use "etc." when writing a formal letter enticing people to join the club. That word means "and so on and so forth", used only in creative or draft writing.

There is no "respectively" in this sentence. You only gave one time meeting duration for the club meeting (2:30 to 5:30 pm) In this presentation, "respectively" indicates 2 different meeting times for the same club. You only provided one meeting time.

Use a connecting word:

... being A part of this club

You advised a student here to learn how to use commas but you failed to do that in this essay. Aside from citations, commas are used to place a pause before the chang of connected ideas in a sentence presentation.

... because it is all free, and this is ...

... will take it all away , so that you can ...

You cannot say there is no limitations but there is a time limit. Do not refer to that in the letter because it is clear that there is a time limitation on the activity based on the meeting time. You will confuse the reader.

Research Papers / The Mind and Mental Health [3]

The first thing I noticed in this research paper is the use of personal pronouns. Since this is a research, not opinion paper, you must refrain from using any personal pronouns in the presentation. That is to help you avoid being seen as having a bias in your research presentation. General reference terms should be used instead. Terms such as "group study", "convened research results" and descriptions of people participating in research or trials should be used instead.

You will need to remove the reference to WebMD and HelpGuide.org as those are not seem as academic, authoritative, or valid information references. You have to use only verifiable information sources when getting information online. Unfortunately, the 2 sources you chose to cite in this paper are often seen as unreliable and have been said to contain misinformation instead. Which is why I strongly urge you to change your information source in those paragraphs.

The in-text citations in your paper are confusing. Please make sure you use the correct referencing format for the paper. These can be any of the following: MLA, APA, Turabian, Chicago, Harvard, or specific formats preferred by your professor. Normally, when writing a paper related to medical or scientific information, like this one, the APA style is the in-text citation format used. Please make sure you are using the correct referencing format in the essay.

Writing Feedback / WRITING TASK 2 - MANY PEOPLE CANNOT READ OR WRITE. [4]

The improvement in your TA score will solely depend upon how well you represent the requirements of the prompt restatement. These are normally 2 fold:

- Explaining the subject in your own words
- Responding to the direct questions posed when provided

So, when you write your introductory paragraph, make sure to respond directly to the questions, to help create a clear discussion and also, give you a reference point to prevent your straying from the discussion while writing your essay. Rather than implying your discussion points, give direct responses. These responses will help the examiner assess if your have proper English comprehension skills, upon which your TA score will be based. A proper response and reference to discussion points will help you increase your possible overall score that early in the scoring consideration game.

Since you are the only one writing this essay, the singular form of perspective must be used. There is only one perspective / reason being presented in the paragraph. The plural form of the word is normally used in a group reference / setting. Do not use an apostrophe when referring to the plural form of a word (kids not kids'). Learn what words have the same form of writing regardless of the singular or plural form (living).

The second reasoning paragraph, in response to the possible solution, is not well explained. There are too many topics being discussed so you ended up just providing reasons with short explanations. You should instead, be focusing on delivering one comprehensive solution, such as the government's responsibility to allot free education throughout the paragraph instead. That would create a more effective response to the question rather than several solution suggestions that do not have a clear reason for being included in the presentation.

Your conclusion is incorrect. Present a 3-5 sentence recap of the discussion topic, reason, solution, and repeated support for your solution. That is the proper format for the concluding recap.

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 2: POSITIVE DEVELOPMENT OF INTERNATIONAL TRAVEL [2]

The prompt restatement requires you to deliver a clear outline pattern for your discussion based on the two questions being asked:

- Why are more people traveling to other countries? ( 1 reason)
- Do you think it's a positive or negative development? ( Choose only 1 side to support)

The last 2 sentences of the restatement should have given a direct response:
- Question 1: growing prosperity and a rise in living standards in many countries
- Question 2: This is a positive development

What you see above is an outline of a brainstorming procedure. That is the first step towards properly writing the response to the essay. You need to consider all possible responses to the questions provided and then, decide which side you will support and what idea you will discuss that will best support your response to the question. When you brainstorm, you avoid the common pitfalls of response writing which are :

- under developed explanations ( as seen in your first reasoning paragraph)
- unrelated information discussion which leads to a lack of coherence and cohesiveness in the discussion ( second reasoning paragraph error)

To be specific, your first reasoning paragraph did very well in explaining the financial aspect of travel. Even the example used was solid and helped to deliver a clear and properly developed explanation. Then, you decided to throw in a second reason, which did not blend well with the first given discussion and also, was not well explained nor supported with examples. Hence the under developed discussion

The second reasoning paragraph was supposed to help explain why you see this as a positive development based on the growing prosperity and rise in living standards of the tourist. However, you spoke of the benefits of tourism based on the needs of the country for tourists. That does not relate to the first discussion you presented, which then showed that you did not create a cohesive representation of 2 related discussion points.

Scholarship / AAS (Australia Awards Scholarship): Giving Practical Examples of the Knowledge [3]

You have not properly represented how the network you will be exposed to during your studies will help improve your program. Additionally, you also failed to indicate any possible problems that would prevent you from achieving your goals. There is no clear representation of these two main requirements in the essay. Truth be told, your work is too wordy and focused only on the first part of the essay prompt. You need to revise the essay to bring a proper balance to the content. This is a 5 paragraph response essay that should be written with the proper coverage represented. In this case, you only represent the future benefits of the course in relation to your program. That is not the proper way to respond to the essay.

Develop a paragraph that consolidates the problems you may encounter and how you plan to overcome the obstacle. Next, develop a more relevant discussion of how you will be able to use the network in pursuit of your teaching goals. Offer to participate in the network of the other graduates of the scholarship as well. You have to show that you are interested in not only using the network for your personal and professional gain, but that you are also eager to return the favor to the other scholarship sponsored graduates.

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 1- LINE GRAPH ILLUSTRATES THE PERCENTAGE OF AUSTRALIAN EXPORTS TO 4 NATIONS [3]

The first paragraph should have been separated into at least 3 sentences. Based on the information provided, the run-on sentence was composed of:

- The image identification
- The countries indicated
- The main country
- The years of coverage

Each of the information listed above should have been presented in individual sentence format, but comprising a full paragraph. The trending statement is unclear as you should have only a single sentence reference for the trending statement. It is not supposed to be composed of multiple sentences since the reference is limited to only the up and down trend of the measurement.

Do not be in a hurry to submit your analysis. Take time to review your work so you can spot correctable errors such as spelling issues and grammar problems. For example, you failed to spot a spelling error (fomer = FORMER), which would have lowered your GRA score in an actual test, but could have been avoided through a simple review on your part.

Review your subject verb agreement lessons. There was an error related to that which you again, could have spotted if you had taken time to edit your work (... the products of Japan was ranked = ... Japan WERE ranked...). Include an indefinite article review (The trend of India was an remarkable = The trend of India was A remarkable).

Writing Feedback / Flu Rates for Males and Females [2]

By writing only 152 words, you are showing that you have not carefully analyzed the content of the line graph. You have also not fully developed the data presentation per paragraph and, you have redundant descriptive phrase usage within the essay. These are all factors that will prevent your essay from achieving its full passing score potential.

The image provided was wrongly identified as a generic chart. The report must provide a specific image reference such as, in this case, a line graph. You must review the various types of images used in the Task 1 essay so that you can properly and accurately identify the image provided. A chart is different from a graph. You will be scored on the accuracy of your report, so you need to pay great attention to even the most minute detail of the image provided.

Information from the image is only from 1996. The original image never indicated that this was a progressive yearly chart. It is a single year chart, focusing on 1996. I am afraid that the lack of accuracy in your overall reporting, of which there are several, will severely lower your TA score to the point where it will prevent you from garnering at least a passing score in the presentation.

I suggest that you review your work in this chart. It is highly inaccurate. Try to do it over, this time, focusing on the accuracy of your report. You should end up writing at least 175 words when you properly present the data from the line graph.

Writing Feedback / A person's health is their own responsibility rather than the government's responsibility. [4]

In order to properly write a task 2 essay, you must first, learn to understand what the essay requirements are. If you do not understand what you are expected to write about, you end up with your essay, an incorrect representation of the given discussion parameters. Writing a severely long essay, which does not respond to the prompt requirements will not result in a passing score. Focus less on the word count, more on the proper discussion paragraphs based on the prompt expectations.

Analyze the prompt of the essay:
Argument 1: Some people say that health care and education should be the responsibility of the government
Argument 2: others think that it is the responsibility of the individuals themselves.
Discussion Requirement: Discuss both views and give your opinion.

After you dissect the prompt, brainstorm or outline your discussion points:
Reasoning par. 1: Responsibility of the government because? (Second person or group pronouns)
Reasoning par. 2: Individual responsibility because? (Second person or group pronouns)
Personal Analysis: I support the belief that? (First person pronoun)

Guess which of the above elements are missing in your presentation? Yup. The personal analysis portion is never presented in the recap section, which is what the concluding paragraph is all about. The personal analysis should show how you considered the positive and negative points of each discussion, in order to arrive at your personal support opinion / analysis.

The missing element is what caused your essay to be considered under developed and not fully explained. By limiting your personal opinion to 2 sentences at the end of the essay, you do not fully utilize the benefits of an extended discussion. That is why this type of essay is more efficiently presented as a 5 paragraph essay.

Writing Feedback / Do the benefits of studying abroad outweigh the drawbacks? Opportunities for career. [2]

Before anything else, you have to decide if you believe that the topic offers more benefits than drawbacks. Indicate that opinion as the thesis statement of your essay and discuss your opinion based on that. This essay is to be discussed from the first person point of view because you are directly being asked for your opinion regarding the subject of the essay. There is actually a format for the discussion / reasoning paragraphs:

- The topic sentence should be the drawback you want to discuss
- The next sentence should be a disagreement to the topic sentence. Explain why it is a benefit instead of a drawback.
- Follow up with a reason for your disagreement
- Give an example to support your disagreement
- Add an explanation to further support your opinion

Doing this over 2 paragraphs will allow you to present a fully developed discussion that focuses on 2 topics in relation to the benefit and drawback discussion. By composing a combined reasoning sentence, you will have a better chance of presenting a balanced mix of simple and complex sentences. The format also allows you to show the examiner how well you understood the topic and that you have enough control over the English language to develop a strong paragraph.

The current essay does not really adhere to the TA requirements and the discussion paragraphs are in need of better representation. The explanations are not very clear and the topic, as discussed, becomes confusing to understand because you did not really respond to the TA requirements are dictated by the original prompt.

Writing Feedback / Cell Phones In Classrooms? This is not good idea. [2]

I am not sure about how to approach the review for this statement. Is it in response to an IELTS Task 2 essay prompt? Was this written as an English writing exercise? Perhaps as a short research paper? I am not sure about the purpose for the writing, which is making it difficult for me to assess your work. Based on the content, I will review this as a short research paper instead. Since you referred to paraphrased sources in the essay, that is the most logical review to use.

The research itself is too short to be an effective look at the results of allowing cellphone usage in the classrooms. The premise is not thoroughly developed and the thesis statement presentation needs work. The overall presentation is not well explained either. Simply including citation sources in the presentation, but not including an expanded discussion or opinion within the presentation prevents the essay from being truly informative and showing that you actually took the time to analyze the data presentation.

The presentation needs to be divided into paragraphs in order to give the reader a real sense of the discussion being presented. It would have also allowed you to present a more detailed explanation, opinion, and a variety of citation styles within the paper. All of which could have added to the clarity and quality of the discussion presentation. Based on the provided information, I feel like this essay could have been better developed over 5 paragraphs instead of one compressed statement.

Writing Feedback / Can the implementation of modern technologies in communication replace hand-writing letters? [2]

Your response is missing the extent response to the singular opinion of agree or disagree. To be clear:

Extent = the degree by which you agree with a given response.

Or = a function word to indicate an alternative

So you made 2 serious mistakes in this essay response:
- There is no extent response that shows you have chosen one option over the other because of a serious or emotional consideration of opinions/factors relating to the discussion;

- There was no singular opinion delivered based on your dis/agreement with the given discussion topic.

The lack of both will affect your TA score since you did not opt to defend a clear point of view in the essay based on a strong belief in one of the two given ideas (agree or disagree).

There is also the discussion problem with the essay. The suggested discussion format is: include any examples from your own knowledge or experience. For this essay to have scored better in that aspect of the discussion, you should have followed the suggested discussion point of view. There is a need to show the examiner that you fully understood the discussion instructions by indicating 2 paragraphs that represented 2 discussion points:

- 1 general point of view using second person pronouns (public knowledge)
- I personal point of view based on your experience (1st person pronoun)

Although there is an "OR" option in this essay, most exam takers have found that when they represent both information as examples of their knowledge of the given topic, they get a higher score based on the C&C and TA categories of the scoring rubic.

So your main problem is that you turned a single opinion essay into a C/C or A/D discussion essay. When that was not the required discussion method.

Writing Feedback / Nowadays, some parents tend to give their children e-books to read. What about printed materials? [3]

The complete discussion instruction for this essay is: Discuss both views and give your opinion. You did not accomplish that. The format for this essay is normally, a 5 paragraph essay covering:

- Restated prompt and discussion instruction
- Public POV 1 (second person / group pronouns)
- Public POV 2 (second person / group pronouns)
- Personal POV (first person pronouns)
- Recap

Or you could have discussed it as:

- Restated prompt
- Public POV 1 + Personal opinion (agree or disagree with the opinion)
- Public POV 2 + Personal opinion (agree or disagree with the opinion)
- Recap

If you opt for the 2nd style, then you will need to follow the format suggested below for the discussion:
- Topic sentence (public POV)
- One sentence explaining why this is valid
- One disagreement / agreement sentence
- Explanation
- Example to support the explanation

Do that for both paragraphs. Hence you have a choice. Either you write a 4 paragraph presentation or, you write a 5 paragraph presentation. For beginners, I advice that you use the first format instead. At least for the first 5 essays or so that you write. Once you get used to writing the personal opinion, it will become easier for you to write the more advanced combined public + personal opinion paragraphs. It is always better to use the long form first.

Needless to say, the format of your essay will not help you achieve a passing score. It will get a score from the examiner, but it may not reach the 5 band because you did not use the correct pronouns, nor represent the discussion in the suggested format. The paragraphs are not very coherent and the discussions are really well connected. It is stressful and difficult to read / understand. All of these will prevent your score from getting any higher considerations.

Writing Feedback / First impressions are important. Doing well in interviews is the key to job security. [3]

Your reasoning paragraphs are sound. However, you failed to discuss the essay based on the manner prescribed by the original prompt. What I mean to say is, you are missing the direct response to the question: To what extent do you agree or disagree? Your response to the question was simplistic. It was not in accordance with the prompt suggested response method so your essay will be partially correct in representation.

Question: To what extent do you agree?
Response: It is agreed that first impressions are always useful to get and develop the work.

The correct response should have used a first person pronoun since the question was asking you for a direct response to the question. Additionally, the response you gave lacks conviction. This is an emotional response essay so it should have had a stronger sentiment such as :

I am fully aware of the topic being discussed and strongly believe that first impressions...

Based on my understanding of the job interview trend, I am strongly supportive of ...

Considering all the factors, I greatly support this idea because of a number of reasons.

and variations thereof. Once you properly respond to the essay, you will not need to inform the examiner about how you will be discussing or what you will be discussing in the essay. An implied outline will score well since you are really required to outline your discussion points by the prompt.

Your GRA score will definitely not achieve a passing mark because you do not have a good command of the English language. Your sentences are confusing and cause stress to the reader. Your ideas are not well explained nor developed because of the proper grammar and problematic grammar structures. I recommend that you read more English based materials and watch more English television shows, specially news reports, so that you can get a better idea of how to develop clearly explained English sentences and paragraphs.

Research Papers / Research Paper - Transhumanism: The Inevitable Singularity [2]

When you have a comprehensive works cited page, you have to make sure that every citation listed is actually referenced in the actual text. Based upon my reading of your text, it would appear that you have not properly cited your in-text citations and paraphrases. I see the sources of information in the listed reference materials but the same does not exist within the text you developed. That, as far as I can tell, is the only aspect of this research paper that needs to be worked on.

If you do not give the proper reference within the text, the professor may consider the essay to be plagiarized. Specially if it is run through a plagiarism software detector like Turnitin. You need to have between 20-30% of citations within the text. However, in this case, you seem to have forgotten that requirement.

Overall though, it is an interesting read. You just need to make sure you have the proper references indicated within the text to avoid any plagiarism problems. That way, even if the software flags it, the professor will see that the information is properly referenced both in the text and within the works cited page.

Letters / "Hectic visit" - Write a letter to your friend. [6]

The letter is not as friendly as it would seem. You need to be less formal and more casual in this type of writing. Write the letter to an actual friend. Balance the content. By balancing the content, I mean you should have portrayed a fun activity, the almost mishap, and, if possible, a hectic activity. You did say that the visit was fun but in the end you said it was hectic. Which means, the visit was not so enjoyable. So the letter does not really represent all the activities you claimed to have had.

You should have used a comma to add a pause before continuing the statement:

While they were baking , I went to my room...

along with:

... about what happened , but I...

Let's not forget the adverbials that require a comma as well:

During my visit , a minor...

In this essay, the lesson you should learn is about how to properly use a comma. The instances when you need to use a comma in this presentation are:

- When you are talking about two separate but related sets of actions (While baking,,,)

- When using a conjunction (... what happened , but I...)

- When using adverbials ( During my visit, a minor...)

The letter itself meets the requirements of the prompt as far as I can tell. It could have better content, but then again, you are not being scored on the story you are telling but how you told the story instead. You used enough words to give the examiner a clearer understanding of how you express yourself in English. You explained yourself in the letter in a simple but clear manner, which can only be good for your final score.

Writing Feedback / Is it a waste of time to read news in newspapers and watch television news programs? [4]

You do klnow that you only have 40 minutes to write this essay right? You cannot write these many words within 40 minutes. Please use a timer when you practice, that way you will know if you are running overtime and you will be able to identify why. The standard word length is 275-290 words, focused on clarity and quality. The examiner doesn't care about how many English words and sentences you know. What he wants to know is how well you can express yourself, quickly and clearly, within the 5 sentence limitation of every paragraph. Keep it short, score better.

Focus on developing individual discussion ideas. You are over discussing by presenting several reasons in one paragraph. None of which are properly explained nor supported with explanations and reasons. So the examiner will definitely call your writing under developed, confusing, and lacking in proper representation of ideas. You will not score well in the C&C section.

Let us not forget, the examiner will also immediately see that you failed to respond to the task requirement. The requirement is a response to the question: to what extent do you agree or disagree? A simple "I do not concur" does not respond to the question that requires a measured response. You need to represent the gravity of your dis/agreement with the statement with an emotional response. You may review the other essays here on a similar topic and using a similar instruction to learn how to better approach this type of essay discussion.

These are the two reasons that your essay will be held back from achieving a decent band score. You failed to accomplish the 2 most important tasks in the essay:

- Deliver a coherent and cohesive essay
- Respond to the TA requirement

Remember, it is not the length of the essay but the quality of the discussion that will assure you of a passing score. Do not confuse a long essay with a quality essay presentation. It is the quality of the essay presentation, the adherence to the scoring rubic that will help you pass the test.

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 2-Essay about whether physical education should be compulsory in school. [2]

I can understand why you said that you were unfamiliar with the topic. You were unable to properly discuss the essay as per the discussion requirements which are:

- Discuss both points of view
- Give your opinion

One of the ways that you could have discussed this essay effectively is:
- Offer a topic restatement at the start of the reasoning paragraph. This will give you the topic sentence. Then, explain the topic based on your personal experience, but using a group pronoun approach. At the end of the explanation, you can present your personal opinion on the given paragraph topic. You can use this style for the 2 paragraphs and quickly conclude the essay.

However, the more effective approach is to :

Do a compare and contrast discussion of the topic in 2 separate paragraphs. Then present a personal opinion in the third paragraph, representing an analysis of the given topics. This format allows you to impress the examiner more with your GRA and C&C skills. The danger of the former format, is that you might not be able to fully explain yourself with the combined discussion paragraph. So for beginners, I suggest going with the 2 reasoning paragraph and one personal opinion paragraph presentation instead. It makes it easier for you to discuss the 2 topics, without cluttering the presentation with confusing statements.

Your essay seems to just keep on repeating the original prompt, There is no clear discussion and there is a lack of proper referencing to discussion points. The whole essay is confusing to read and prevents the examiner from learning about your English writing skills. When you cannot really represent an explanation of the topics provided, your TA score may not reach a passing score and as such, prevent the whole essay from reaching the 5 band score.

Writing Feedback / WRITING IELTS TASK 1: FREE TIME ACTIVITIES OF THE ELDERLY IN THE UNITED STATES FROM 1980S TO PRESENT [3]

You have to use the proper format for the task 1 essay. That means, you have to separate the presentation into 3 - 4 paragraphs. The paragraphs are as follows:

Par. 1 - Summary overview
Par. 2: - First data report
Par. 3 - Second data report
Par. 4: Comparison point/s

All paragraphs need to be within 3-5 sentences in length. Although for a task 1 essay, you may find it hard to hit the 5 mark so 3 sentences will suffice. The essay actually lacks the comparison discussion. A closer look at the graph will show that there are several overlapping lines that could have been used to refer to the comparison requirements in paragraph 4. 3 reference points would be good enough to meet the comparison requirement of the report.

Writing Feedback / From a long time music has been seen as a critical element contributing to human civilization [3]

Oops ! Writing 306 words, when you did not respond to the task question properly means that you will not get a good score for this essay. Kindly remember that you are scored on your ability to respond to the question, and discuss in the manner required. That means, you can write a medium length essay of 275 words and score a band 9, if your writing is that good. But score no more than a 4 with a lengthy essay that does not adhere to the formatting requirements.

Question: To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?
Response: For me, such a socializing function of music can easily be observed in intercultural understanding but will not be the case for people of different ages.

There is a great chance that you did not understand the discussion requirements and decided to just write something in the hopes that you will get a score for it. You will definitely get a failing score for the essay because you did not answer the question properly. Where is the measured response to the essay? The expected response is:

I strongly dis/agree
I totally dis/agree
I vehemently dis/agree

These are just examples of how you could have properly responded to the question, which would have led to a passing TA score. Unfortunately, you did not respond as expected so the TA score will not achieve a passing score. As a single opinion essay, you should not have used the C/C style of discussion. The instruction clearly asks you to discuss the side that you support within 2 reasoning paragraphs. You did not do that. You really moved away from the discussion instruction in the essay so it will be difficult for me to say that this type of writing, with the other errors considered, can get a passing score. It will be difficult for you to achieve that.

Always look for the discussion instruction and make sure you discuss the essay as expected. The original prompt will always deliver the discussion instruction and what reasoning should be used for it. Learn to assess the essay, before you start to write your response. You can review the other essay samples here to help you better understand the different types of discussions you will come across in a Task 2 essay.

Scholarship / Becoming an academician - GKS-G Personal Statement [5]

In response to your question, you may post your essays here for review anytime. Just make sure that you post only one essay per thread. If you post more than 1, the admin will delete the other essays and you will not receive advice for it. Stick to the forum rules that allows only for one essay per thread and you will receive a review for each individual thread from a contributor.

Your essay is for a masters GKS right? In this case, the essay that you wrote does not relate at all to the required elements of the prompt. The only part that works with the original discussion requirements is the K-Pop discussion, which, is actually not helpful to the essay. I am guessing that you do not have a copy of the prompt requirements so let me give that to you here. For the masters personal statement, you need to respond to the following:l

o Motivations with which you apply for this program - based on your current career goals that you feel a Korean education can help you with.

o Your education and work experience in relation to GKS.- An overview of your undergraduate course and accomplishments. Any Korean lessons you have been taking.

o Reason for studying in Korea - Related to the motivation, targeted on the accomplishments of Korea in your field of interest and training you hope to receive

o Any other aspects of your background and interests which may help us evaluate your aptitude and passion for graduate study or research.- Refers to your college thesis and research process you used. You may also relate you work requirements that allow you to do research in a related field. The idea is to prove your research skills that can help you complete the course.

Hopefully this detailed outline for the personal statement will help you present a more appropriate personal statement. One better geared towards the prompt requirements.

Letters / Write a letter to the head of your neighborhood. [2]

I think you should be reminded of the differences between UK and American English. The two countries spell their words differently to differentiate between the two styles of the English language. The UK version uses the letter U often in its spelling, while the American English version does not. You spelled neighborhood in the essay using American English several times. You should be spelling it in the UK manner as "neigbourhood". When you learn the spelling differences, your LR score will greatly increase as you show a familiarity with the UK English ways. Don't worry though, you won't lose points for spelling in the American version. Allowances in scoring will be made for that as that the more commonly used version of English used throughout the world.

You forgot to use a comma after the conjunction "... progress, but there is never..." Remember, you can combine 2 different thoughts in one sentence if you learn to use the comma in strategic places within a sentence.

By the way, you should learn to use synonyms in your letters. There is just redundancy and reader boredom when you don't change up the reference to neighborhood. The examiner will believe that you have a limited English vocabulary because you could not refer to the keyword in several forms throughout the essay. Other words that mean neighbourhood are : district, parish, street, or suburb.

Writing Feedback / The good points and drawbacks of the Internet (IELTS WRITING TASK 2) [2]

What is the original prompt for this essay? Is it an A/D discussion with personal opinion or just a simple A/D discussion presentation? You have to include the prompt when you post the essay so that I can have a solid handle on how to properly review the essay you are presenting. Right now, I'll focus on the general and obvious errors of your presentation. That's the best that can be done considering there is no prompt available to aid in the assessment of your work.

The prompt restatement does not properly represent the original prompt. The main factor that is considered here is how you best represent the original discussion topics in your own words. Then, using your own presentation, outline the upcoming discussion and accompanying topics towards the end. This will help the examiner consider whether your understood the discussion instructions or not.

The first reasoning paragraph has a very strong advantage discussion. However, you included a second topic, which is never done because adding a topic that does not relate to the previous discussion creates an incoherent passage. It lowers the C&C score because one topic will end up under explained when compared to the firs topic. So a one topic per discussion rule always works best. Notice, your paragraph was doing great, until you threw in the second topic, which ended abruptly

The disadvantage discussion should not include a reference to the research of someone else. A task 2 essay always uses information from the writer's personal experience or observations. Referring to research is not normally used because the examiner wants to know how well you understood the topic and can write about it, based on original information (not taken from other sources). That is how they test your ability to express yourself in English.

If you are required to present your personal point of view, then you should not include it in the concluding paragraph. That is either a stand alone paragraph or. the last 2 sentences of the A/D paragraphs. The conclusion is a mere retelling, in short form, of the original discussion, the A/D reasons. and your personal opinion.

Writing Feedback / IF YOU NEED TO SELECT BETWEEN BOOK AND E-BOOK, WHICH ONE IS BETTER? [3]

Kindly upload the prompt with your essay next time. As the topic you have chosen to discuss is not one among the normal IELTS Task 2 essay topics, I will refrain from commenting on your approach to the essay. The prompt would have given me a starting point to review your paper with. Without it, I will concentrate on a general review instead.

In the first reasoning paragraph, you were providing a very cohesive explanation up until the last sentence when you suddenly threw in the online transaction benefit, without adding any supporting explanation to it. The coherence of the essay actually comes from the way you connect all your discussion topics in one paragraph using examples and supporting explanations. The minute you do not fully explain one reason, the paragraph quality is lowered and, in an actual test, so will the C&C score.

There is a grammar error in the second reasoning paragraph. Never start a new sentence with the word "because". The word "because" is used to connect ideas within a sentence. It is a connecting word and is used as such. Since your presentation uses the word to start a sentence, there is no previous idea or discussion to connect it to. Therefore, this will be seen as a GRA problem and lower your score in that section.

Do not use a slash in your presentation. This is an academic paper and the academic test requires you to use formal punctuation marks in the presentation. Since you are talking about the same thing, which is a printed book, you do not need to represent it in another form. If you want to do that, then use a synonym, without the slash. The slash ruins the academic tone and presentation.

Writing Feedback / Australian students after education - Essay for academic writing task 1 [2]

Your summary overview is confusing to read. It does not make sense. It is not a clear paraphrase of the original prompt and it lacks vital information for the summary overview. Here is an example of how to do this:

Three pie charts are provided for data measurements. The images represent the percentage of activities that Australian high school graduates enter into. There are 3 categories that were considered for the percentage measurements. The sections provided are: employed, unemployed, and further education. Overall, most of them prefer to continue on to higher education.

Note the 5 sentence representation of the overall information from the pie charts, including the trending statement at the end.

You misuse connecting words throughout the essay:

declined in twenty years later

within A 2-decade period.

the figure for THE advanced level

This error goes on and on for several sentences. Please practice or learn more about when to use or not use connecting words in a sentence.

had an slight decline - had A slight decline (A is used for words starting with consonants, an is used when the word starts with a vowel)

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 1: The percentage of water consumption for some goals in four continents [3]

The images are not diagrams, these are pie charts. Your image identification is incorrect. Wrong image descriptions can affect your TA score as the accuracy of your report becomes suspect. Complete your summary overview with the required information:

- Countries (not provided)
- Type of water usage (not provided)
- measurement type (provided)
- Trending statement (provided)

You have to give a proper summary of the provided information otherwise, the reader will not be able to easily follow your discussion. The summary overview should help you outline what type of information you will present per paragraph. The trending statement should be 2 fold in this instance, the highest and lowest points of the pie chart measurement would have provided a clear direction for the measurements provided.

Your essay cannot be completed in 20 minutes. You can only write between 175-190 words. The number of words provided in this essay means you will cut into your Task 2 writing time. Be conscious of your time allotment. Use a timer when practicing. That will give you an accurate idea of how many words you can write. Always do that to make sure you never cut into the Task 2 writing time. It will help the word count become second nature to you towards exam day.

Do not offer a data analysis. You are not allowed an opinion in a Task 1 essay. Just report and summarize the information as instructed in the prompt. You are deviating from the original instruction, which will result in a lower TA score because the format for writing was not properly applied. That is the main reason why you wrote too many words. Analysis is only used in the Task 2 essay. Comparison points are not the same as an analysis. The comparison discussion could have actually been just one sentence, combined into the trending statement.

Essays / Being a celebrity - Question about topic analysis for IELTS task 2. [3]

There are always several ways that a task can be discussed. That is a choice that is left up to the writer, what is shown in the book is nothing more than an option for writing the task. It is not the only way to write the task. There is a big difference between the example in the book and what you are actually writing. The one thing I can tell you is that if you rely on the examples from the book, if you try to copy the style in the book, then you will not learn how to write the essay in a manner that you are comfortable with. There will always be several ways to discuss, but only one method of response for the essay.

Being a non-English speaker, do not go for length. Just go for clarity. It is possible to use 2 paragraphs for the reasoning section and still have the advantages and disadvantages discussion, if that is how you want to discuss the essay. However, the format must be clear to the reader so that he can see the progression of the explanation. It is all about cohesiveness in the presentation. Something that can only be achieved if you first, learn how to outline your discussion. You cannot begin to write the essay properly if you do not first learn how to analyze the question and then outline the discussion.

Analysis breakdown:
Topic: Being a celebrity - such as a famous film star or sports personality - brings problems as well as benefits
Discussion Point: Do you think that being a celebrity brings more benefits or more problems?"

Outline:
Benefits - list it down
Problems - Related to benefits
Personal Opinion: The life of a well known personality has certain perks. However, I believe the perks come with a price that causes complications for the superstar.

Consider your benefits and problems list. Which one do you think you have more reasons listed for? That will be the basis of your personal opinion. Once you outline the topics for discussion, you can combine both the benefits and the problems in one paragraph. This creates a properly developed explanation of both sides, in a related context. Use the 2 benefits and problems that you are most familiar with so that you can use one of each in every paragraph, fully explaining it, with the use of examples and supporting explanations. Otherwise, your essay will never be properly explained.

Formula:

Discuss 1 benefit + 1 problem = Fully developed discussion

Now, you have a choice. You can either use the book and follow those instructions alone or, you can learn from me and get guidance from an actual person. I do not have the time to try and convince you that I am right and the book is wrong or vice versa. You cannot learn from 2 teachers. You will have to pick one. Otherwise, you will never progress past the confused state that you are currently in. As you can see, the book is useless without a tutor. However, you do not need a book if you have a tutor.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: Diagram on rainwater processing. [4]

Do not over analyze the essay. Learn how to summarize sets of information in the presentation to avoid being wordy. You do not need to individually explain how the gutter is attached to the homes. Simply indicate that the rainwater passes through a series of home gutters or rain flow pipes attached to home roofs. The synonyms will come from your existing array of English vocabulary. If you want to improve that aspect of your writing, then you have to avoid reading materials that are not in English. Only by familiarizing yourself thoroughly with how the English speakers form their words and sentences will you be able to learn how to use synonyms properly. Reading English news reports can help you somewhat achieve that task. Building your vocabulary to an advanced level is the key to properly working on the task 1 essay. That is because this is a data reporting essay which means academic words and accurate word usage is of vital importance to the analysis you will be presenting. You still have singular - plural formation problems in the essay. Look at the diagram, everything is in plural form. Pipes, not pipe.

Writing Feedback / Curfew for Teenagers to go out alone at night. IELTS General [2]

You have not properly formed your response to the question. This is not an Agree/Disagree discussion. This is a direct opinion essay that requires an expanded response in the prompt restatement. You also did not replace enough words from the original to convince the examiner that you did not just cut and paste the said phrases / sentences from the original. Always change the keywords in the original essay so that you can score better under the LR considerations.

Cut and paste references are:
- accompanied by an adult.
- In some areas of the US, a 'curfew' is imposed,

Possible replacement phrases are:
- In the company of an older companion / with an older companion / in the presence of an adult
- The US implements a time limit / limits the night time exposure / allots a time allowance for out door activities

The opinion question is: What is your opinion? Therefore, you must indicate a clear thought consideration for your discussion such as:
- Curfew for adolescents has benefits
- Due to the current safety climate, there is a sense of logic to limiting the evening activities of the youth
- Limiting the outdoor time based activities of youngsters has negative effects.
- Considering two factors, there may be problems with this scenario.

The Task 2 essay is always limited to 5 paragraphs at the most. Your essay does not follow the personal opinion format. The personal opinion should be the second paragraph or first reasoning paragraph. That is because you have to directly explain your opinion immediately. It should not wait till the very end because it will not be responding to the question as expected. So the format should be:

-Paraphrase
-Opinion
-Example paragraph
-Discussion summary / conclusion

You cannot say you have first hand experience if it is your friend who underwent the scenario. You should instead refer to second person pronouns in that section. Clearly refer to this as the experience of your friend that you will be narrating.

- I witnessed how my friend would have benefited from having a curfew in place... He rebelled...