Graduate / Review my Essay for Msc in Data Science from LMU and suggest any changes [3]

The response lacks a clear direction. There needs to be "chapters" in your presentation. Each chapter has to represent a particular development on your end that relates somehow to your interest in the Msc program. I would have done this essay in the following manner:

- Introduced the work that I have been doing under Dr. Ramesh. I would have placed a particular focus on how this work relates directly to food security.

- Informed the reader about the need to increase crop production. I would have found a way to directly relate the need for increased crop production with my previous research in food security.

- Then I would have discussed the relevance of Data Science in the field of food and agriculture, focusing my discussion on related computer programming that I found useful during my thesis research and other work that I did in cooperation with Dr. Ramesh

- After those relevant discussions, I would have discussed my continuous training and any awards or recognition that I may have received as these will be pertinent to my experience and future career path.

- Upon completing this presentation, I would have discussed what my expectations were for my career after completing the Msc in Data Science course. What field I plan to specialize in and why will bring my discussion full circle to close the discussion in relation to my ideas for food security and how data science can help in that aspect.

I would avoid discussing the university in the presentation as it is not a required element and only removes from the actual discussion path of the essay. Pick only your relevant previous experience. There is no need to discuss the reason why you chose to take the computer course as an undergraduate. It doesn't serve a purpose. Any past references should only help to strengthen your image as an Msc student. It should not make the reviewer think twice about your application because you are trying to fit into a niche career in India rather than pursuing a personal passion for learning.

Writing Feedback / Essay about worldwide market share of notebook computer [2]

There is an inconsistency in your time reference throughout the essay. As you are speaking of measurements taken in the past, you must be consistent in using the part tense word formation for your sentences. Otherwise, you are presenting an improperly formatted English sentence, which will result in reduced GRA and LR scores for you. The summary overview is inaccurate and confusing. A clearer representation of the overview would have been:

The provided table indicated the percentage of computer sales market share for several brands that represented a total of 100 percent market share. The comparison measurements, presented in percentage form, are for the consecutive years of 2006 and 2007. The computer brands involved wereHP, Dell, Acer, Toshiba, Lenovo, Fuji-Siemens, and other labels. HP was the highest seller of computers for that period of time while Fujitsu-Siemens had the lowest market share over the same time frame. At the same time, the brand with the most improved sales turned out to be Dell computers.

Had you presented the summary overview in the above manner, the rest of your information presentation would have been easier to understand and, you would have had a reference point for the past time frame throughout your presentation. By the way, you also forgot to make mention of the sales of the other brands as indicated in the chart. This rendered your chart more inaccurate so you would have lost some points for that also.

Writing Feedback / The chart below shows the number of films produced by five countries in three years. [3]

Your essay is quite good. However, you have a tendency to not complete the minimum 3 sentence requirement per paragraph. Kindly remember that you are scored on your ability to write a series of complex and simple sentence per paragraph. The sentences are viewed in relation to your ability to clearly explain the information presented. You will score better if you meet the minimum sentence requirement per paragraph. Additionally, please do not include important information within a parenthesis. A parenthesis is only used when indicating additional but unimportant details within the essay. In the Task 1 essay, all of the information is important so using the side note method of informing the reader is out of place.

Scholarship / Learners and their qualities [2]

There is no need to ride on the Covid 19 topic for this essay. Since your experience with distance learning was long before the advent of the virus, there is no relationship between your self-discipline discussion and the virus. Don't waste your word count on irrelevant details. In fact, you have to shorten your discussion in relation to your self-discipline because it is too long. Simply stating that you learned time management and giving one example related to that is good enough. You have to allow for ample word representation of your persistence as a student. It is too short and really under developed in the presentation.

Since you are given 300 words for this essay, it is understood that you are to use 150 words per topic for the discussion. Revise your essay to reflect that so that you will have an even and relevant discussion presentation for both the self-discipline and persistence discussion. It would be in your best interest if you can use a combined example that highlights how your persistence led you to develop self-discipline or vice versa.

Writing Feedback / It is no longer necessary to use animal as food or to use animal products. [2]

Your stance in the actual discussion is unclear. The essay requires the defense of only one stance in the essay. However, you seem to be constantly trying to defend two points of view in the essay even as you say that you disagree with the given statement. It is either you agree that people no longer need to use animals for food and clothing products, or you agree that humans need to use animals for their clothes and food. Your sentences, due to the problem with the sentence formation make it difficult to understand your actual explanation. In addition to that, the discussion format is incorrect as you are doing a comparative discussion in a single opinion essay. Therefore, the essay will not score well enough to get a passing score. You have to work on your sentence formation problems first. Learn how to write clear, understandable, and simple English sentences. At the moment, your sentences are too confusing to be able to understand due to incorrect vocabulary usage. You also need to learn to separate your discussion topics into paragraphs. One topic sentence per paragraph. each paragraph should not be more than 5 sentences and must have a clear discussion presented that connects with the next discussion topic, in the next paragraph.

Writing Feedback / Common for people to get married and have children in their thirties rather than when they are young [3]

Your second paragraph is a little bit more applicable to the prompt instructions when compared to your first reasoning paragraph. The reasoning in relation to children is not based on personal experience, knowledge, or observations. You are citing 2 different information sources for your reasoning support, which goes against the instructions for the topic discussion. You will lose points for improper discussion formatting since you are using cited and unverified information in your first discussion paragraph. Then, in your second reasoning paragraph, your line of thought is not very clear.

You need to remember, reasoning paragraph 1 must directly connect to the discussion in reasoning paragraph 2. When there is a lack of transition sentences and an unclear topic for discussion that can connect the 2 reasoning paragraphs, your essay will not score well in the coherence and cohesiveness section.

While you did understand the question being posed to a certain extent, the way that you discussed it needs work. Try to form clearer sentences. Do not focus on writing long sentences and paragraphs at this point. You are still incapable of doing that. Write only short simple sentences for now. It is better to be simple but clear than wordy and confusing to understand.

Writing Feedback / Task 1: Line graph about countries' birth rates [2]

You have to remember that you have to follow a certain format for writing the Task 1 essay:
- Write between 175-190 words
- Use 3 paragraphs composed of 3-5 sentences only. Make sure to use a mix of simple and complex sentences with varying forms of punctuation marks,
- Look for overlapping points of comparison in the given image for a complete analysis presentation.

Your essay has 212 words. Since you will not be typing at the test center, you will not have the ability to write that many words in 20 minutes. Not when you need to analyze the image before you can write the content for your report. The way I see it, you could have easily met the 3 paragraph requirement for this essay had you separated your presentations this way:

Par. 1: The line graph illustrates ...
Par. 2: Between 1920 and 1935,...
Par. 3: In comparison with America...

A well grouped discussion presentation helps with the clarity of your data. It also adds to the format adherence of your presentation. This is a good analysis. It is not too mechanical in presentation, but could have used more reference to the overlapping points at least once in the data representation. Next time, focus on meeting the time requirement. Use a pen and pencil to write the essay. Do not type the essay into this box. You need to get used to writing the essay on a pad or practice booklet. It's all about the actual test preparation and learning to work within the given time allowance.

Writing Feedback / Sexual Assault: Its Effects on Victims [2]

Truth be told, the paper doesn't make much sense. The introduction doesn't really outline what the discussion will be about, how it will be handled, and what the clear point of the research paper is all about. It would be better if you take your current last paragraph and place it at the very top of the paper. Adjust the content to read more like the thesis statement because right now, it contains important references to a clear hypothesis presentation instead of a concluding summary of your research paper. The focus of the paper must be on the two songs that are the focal points of the discussion. Your current opening statement will work better as a research paper kick-off than as an introduction to the topic.

You also need to hire a professional editor to help clean up the grammar in this essay. Your English vocabulary is problematic in several places, requiring both an editing of the content and and adjustment to the overall paragraph presentation. The clarity of your discussion presentation is affected by the improper sentence presentation in several places. Only a professional editor can help you with those problematic aspects. You may want to consider using the writing center services at your university for that part of your research paper writing.

Undergraduate / SCAD Statement of Purpose - Transfer/ Illustration Major [2]

The essay is weak in two parts: (1) the preparation that you have done throughout that will make you a competitive student at SCAD, (2) the personal reason regarding why you are transferring schools. There is no clear, steady, and continuous reference to both school based and extra curricular activity based training to help you hone your craft. Since you are writing a statement of purpose, you need to make the purpose for your transfer clear. You have to give the reviewer your academic reason for transferring and your professional purpose. Why do you believe that the world of illustration is for you? Who are the major book illustrators who may have influenced your desire to pursue this career? The shirts that you made has some bearing on the discussion, but you did not offer any insight as to how you continued to pursue your artistic training from there. As the visual manager of the basketball club, what sort of training did you get that you feel is applicable to the course you are applying to? Did you join and win any visual arts competitions? If so, please discuss it.

What i am trying to tell you is that the essay you wrote needs more supporting information. What you have written isn't memorable enough. It is not competitive enough. It is not the kind of essay that would put you in the running for a transfer student slot at SCAD. Their applicants have dedicated their lives to the visual arts through continuous training, constant competition participation, winning the competitions, and honing their computer aided drawing abilities for possible CGI requirements. If you want this essay to become competitive, then you need to add more qualifications to it based on the aforementioned information. As of now, this essay will be read, then completely forgotten the next minute by the reviewer.

Writing Feedback / Too much attention and too many resources are given in the protection of wild animals and birds. [3]

There are actually 2 different prompts that could apply to this essay topic. Which is why I am not sure as to how to review your work. It always helps me to create a more targeted review when the student includes the original prompt with the response essay. At least I know what the actual instructions are. I cannot hazard a guess about which of the 2 discussion types to use for your work as it may result in my giving you inappropriate or non-applicable advice. Therefore, I am forced to only give you only general comments in relation to the GRA section of your writing.

When writing an academic essay, it is better to avoid using words that indicate a lack of conciseness in your presentation. As an opinion paper, your statements must have a sound of strong support when you write it. So avoid using terms such as "Perhaps no..." Instead, simply say "No subject in...". Remember that when you use a singular description such as "human", the subject - verb agreement should be in the singular so use "is" instead of "are". Be careful with your spelling, you have several spelling errors that you did not correct in the essay:

fas = far
thera= there
publicy = the public ( you are also missing a connecting word)
WWf = WWF (Acronym error)
budger = budget

along with several other spelling errors. There are simply too many spelling and sentence formation errors in your essay for me to point out here. These LR and GRA errors alone will be enough to pull down your final score to below the 5 consideration. Please, learn to be careful with your writing. Review, edit, revise, repeat, until you are confident you have a smooth essay presentation already. Do this within 40 minutes.

Research Papers / The Wounded Knee Occupation: Reviving Culture and Reclaiming Lost Voices [2]

You may want to revise the essay by adding some content to it. Since not all the readers will be familiar with the events of the Wounded Knee Occupation, you will need to give the reader a summarized background of the events that led up to it and the resulting aftermath which helped lead to the creation of A.I.M. That backgrounder could be used as the opening paragraph of your essay instead. In all honesty the current opening paragraph makes the paper feel like you are starting in the middle of the presentation instead of at the beginning.

You should also consider adding some personal insights to the paragraphs that are heavy with in-text citations. Those paragraphs feel more like you spent more time just doing a cut and paste job on the information rather than reading, analyzing, understanding the content, then creating your own opinion in support or in opposition to the presented data. A researched paper should be equally representative of quoted information and analytical opinions. That is why the paper becomes a strong and informative piece of research.

Additionally, you should not close the essay with a citation. Instead, you should be writing a concluding paragraph that clearly summarizes what you learned from your research, the existing information, and other data. Don't just say the story can be summarized using the words of someone else. Close with your insight on the events that happened in relation to the A.I.M. development instead. You can close the essay any way you want, just not on an in-text citation.

Writing Feedback / Difficulties of urban life. [5]

While you wrote just the right number of words for this essay, the main problem with your presentation will be with regards to the coherence and cohesiveness of your presentation. There is a lack of clarity in your discussion presentations. I do not know if it is because you are transliterating the sentences from your native tongue to the English language or, if you really do not have a good grasp of the English sentence structures yet. You will definitely not get a passing score in 3 sections: LR, GRA, and C&C.

There is an extreme difficulty on the part of the reader when it comes to trying to understand what you are trying to say in your sentences and paragraphs. You appear to have a problem with sentence structures and lack properly developed subject sentences. You have redundancies in your presentation (return back means the same thing. To return, means to go back) and you do not show an analytical ability in your sentence presentation.

The analytical ability lies in the clarity of your explanation which, sad to say, are quite problematic in this presentation. I strongly urge you to learn how to write simple English sentences first. Do not use task 2 essays yet. Just write about simple subjects and topics. Try to keep writing until you learn how to properly structure English sentences using proper sentence formations and vocabulary. In fact, there are so many errors in this presentation that I do not know where to begin. Which is why I am focusing my advice on your biggest writing problem instead.

While your second paragraph is the least problematic of your presentation, you failed to use connected discussion presentations in that paragraph. You needed only 2 connected topics in that presentation, properly connected by a transition sentence and containing information that helps to clarify how the problems are related and how the problems are related to the solutions you would be presenting next.

Do not focus just on the word count. Nobody cares if you write a lot of English words when your sentences are not clearly explained and not easy to understand. Focus on clarity of your declarations. Your vocabulary and word count will come naturally from there.

Writing Feedback / Nowadays many people choose to be self-employed, rather than to work for a company or organization. [5]

Even though you have written way too many words for this essay, you still failed to properly respond to the prompt requirements. You were not able to properly outline the discussion topics that should have been located within the 2 reasoning paragraphs. You do not need to combine any paragraphs in this essay because this is only a 4 paragraph essay composed of:

- Paraphrase
- Reason for self-employment
- Disadvantage of self - employment
- Concluding paraphrase ( topic, reason, disadvantage, closing sentence)

You also did not time your response writing for this task. You wrote 322 words when the handwritten test will not allow you to write more than 290 words. Time yourself next time. You will see a difference between the writing that you did using a timer and the one done without. You cannot write that many words within the given time frame.

There is a lack of coherence in the discussion. Since you discussed how people work for themselves because they want to earn more, then your disadvantage should have related to how earning money as a self-employed person is harder because of the lack of secured income. Your previous paragraph, about the recession of 2008 shows that you did research and did not use personal experience or knowledge. Do not do research for any practice tests. You will not have the time, nor the access to research materials once you are at the testing center. Don't waste your time doing something you cannot apply in the real time exam setting.

Writing Feedback / Many animal species are becoming extinct due to human activities on land and in the sea [3]

You are not paying attention the timer. Since you are going to be handwriting this essay into the test booklet, you will be slow in filling in the words. It will not be the same as you typing into a keyboard. A handwritten essay cannot number 332 words with only 40 minutes for the writing section in task 2 provided. The most you should aim to write is 275-290 words. At this rate, you will not be able to complete the writing of the essay on time. Next time, set the timer. You need to be able to judge how fast and completely you can write within 40 minutes. Typing your essay will not be the same thing. Use the actual test center scenario for your practice tests so that you will have a good idea of what you can accomplish, within how many minutes, at the test center.

Now, this discussion essay is unique from the other opinion essays because it actually asks you to outline your discussion in the prompt paraphrase. The outline of your response will help you keep track of how you should frame your 2 discussion / reasoning paragraphs. So a more appropriate restatement would have been:

Our varying participation in terrain and ocean exercises have resulted in the annihilation of certain wild animals. Two of the reasons that this happens include habitat loss and environmental exploitation. In order to curb this trend, the government must enact habitat protection laws and the prevention of over-hunting and over fishing of land and sea creatures.

By first outlining your discussion topic in your prompt paraphrase, examiner will see that you have clearly outlined the connected paragraph topic discussion. As such, it will also be easier for you to discuss the reasons and solutions within a clear and coherent presentation. Since this is not an opinion essay, you are expected to respond directly to the discussion question/s in the restatement, with the expanded explanation located within the 2 discussion paragraphs.

Your current responses in the body of paragraphs are good. However, you failed to compress the discussion into a short but clear explanation. You should be able to explain the 2 connected discussion topics within 5 sentences that represent:

- The topic for discussion
- An explanation
- An example
- A second topic related to the first topic
- An explanation
- A quick explanation that will transition into the next paragraph discussion topic

By accomplishing the above format, you will be able to create coherent discussion paragraphs that clearly connect with one another and directly responds to the prompt.

I would like to call your attention to your closing paragraph. You failed to do a discussion summary that signifies the end of the discussion. It should contain:

- The discussion topic
- The 2 reasons
- The 2 solutions
- A call to action to close the discussion

If you can adjust your writing style using my suggestions, you should begin to show improvement in your written presentation by your next essay exercise. I look forward to seeing the suggested changes applied in your next essay.

Writing Feedback / Some people think that newspapers are the best way to get news. However, others believe that they... [3]

Your prompt paraphrase is inaccurate. You have not properly responded to the given discussion requirement. Compare what the original instruction is and what your response was:

OP: Discuss both views and give your opinion.

YR: I completely agree with this viewpoint for some following reasons.

The correct response is:

CR: Using an analysis of the two ideas behind the more valid news source, I will present my own assessment of the discussion.

Based on the given topics for discussion ( newspapers is the best place to get news, other sources are the best way, personal opinion), the reasoning paragraphs should have been represented in 3 stand alone paragraphs representing each point of view. You only represented your personal point of view throughout the essay. That is the conclusion the examiner will come to due to the lack of 2nd or 3rd person / person plural references in the topic sentences for the reasoning presentations.

There are also no arguments in these essays. There are only discussions. Examiners hate it when the students exaggerate in the presentations. Keep is simple and casual, just discussions, opinions, thoughtful exchanges of ideas. Never use inflammatory terms like argue, debate, heated discussions, and other similar inflammatory references in your essays.

Keep your essays between 270-290 words. Bear in mind that you are practicing by typing on a computer screen but you will be writing in a booklet at the testing center. So use the written form of essay writing for the discussions. You will see that you cannot write as many words in manual form. Use a timer and hand write the essay. You will see exactly how many words you will be able to write for a given essay topic. Just type it into the box when you post it here for review.

Writing Feedback / Essay about the influence of Education on eating habbit [3]

You are not being asked to deliver a solution to the problem in this essay. You are only being asked to do a comparison discussion of the 2 ideas that people have about the given topic. So this should have been a 5 paragraph essay that contains two public points of view, with proper references to each public thought. These will be written from the third person plural point of view. The personal should be presented using first person pronouns to refer to your thoughts or opinion and supporting information. Your paraphrase is inaccurate to a small extent because you said; "This essay contends that education is such an applicable solution". You should instead, have indicated that your personal opinion would be based on the comparison discussion points.

Third person pronouns (They, them, theirs) should have been used in the topic sentences that discussed the public point of view. While first person (Me, myself, I) should have been used in the non-existent personal point of view. The use of these pronouns, in the proper context is required for the completion and scoring of your simple / complex sentences. It is an important consideration in the GRA section.

Your opinion, in this presentation is a mere afterthought in the conclusion. That is not the place for the personal opinion since the personal opinion needs:

- Your personal idea or support of one of the two public opinions
- An explanation of why you support that side
- An example to help push your side as the correct side
- Additional supporting explanation (optional)
- Transition sentence going into the conclusion

There is room for tremendous improvement in your work. Specially in your use of words. Never use casual phrases such as "loads of" in a Task 2 essay. You are aiming to get a good LR score through the use of academic words in the proper form. While you may be familiar with English casual language, not all every day English words have a place in academic writing. You have to familiarize yourself with formal English sentence presentations to gain a better overall score.

Graduate / "Three aspects'" - Self introduction for master's degree interview [4]

Consider a more relaxed approach to the interview. Just talk about yourself casually. Keep the respectful tone but don't come across as so mechanical that you need to outline and numerically list your discussion points. Use transition presentations. Be conversational. Don't just pound the interviewer with information. Present the topic, discuss, allow the interviewer a chance to ask you follow up or clarification questions, then transition to the next aspect of your discussion presentation. Unfortunately, you cannot really predict the questions that would possibly be asked in the interview so you need to be prepared for the unexpected. If you over prepare and you rely too much on your notes for the interview, you will eventually fall apart and start rambling during the interview or, you won't have a prepared response for an unexpected question. If you really want to practice, then write down the questions that you think will be asked, then consider what follow up questions might be used and prepare answers for that. Expand on your current responses if you have to. You cannot keep the introduction this short and data based. You need to sound like a human being, not a research paper.

Writing Feedback / Learning online is sometimes a necessity: the pros and cons [3]

I am not sure if this was written as a Task 2 essay or as a simple English writing exercise. Do me a favor next time and let me know what the discussion instructions are? That way I will know how to approach the review of your completed work. For now, I'll do what i can for you.

Familiarize yourself with UK English eccentricities. They love to use the letter U in their word spelling such as in the word favorite (favourite). You need to know the different ways of spelling UK and American English because it can help increase your LR score. While allowances will be given for American spelling, showing a familiarity with the UK difference can work in your favor. When writing an academic paper, always use formal references. Hence "get in touch with" should be "contact" instead. Remember that an Oxford comma must be used when writing a series of related words. You forgot to use a comma a few times in the presentation.

Overall, the discussion is acceptable. That is, considering that I do not really know what the discussion topic is and how you were instructed to discuss it. This is an acceptable essay that shows you are informed of the current events and how students are having to react to it.

Research Papers / The Art of Streaming - Research Paper - Intro, Conclusion and MLA Citations review [2]

The first part of the essay requires more proper in-text citation. You are referring to Flynn and others in the writing, but not indicating where that statement is sourced from. You need to give proper credit with regards to that type of presentation. Additionally, there is a severe lack of numerical data in reference to the dwindling box-office receipts, difference in earnings between the basic cinema and the dine-in cinema experience, and the income that Netflix generates from its various streaming options. The research paper actually feels more of just a cut and paste job, with very little personal insight or observation based on the given information. You need to integrate other points of view regarding options. Aside from yourself, how many other people prefer streaming over cinema watching? What are the reasons? You need a data measurement pool representation for this paper to be more authoritative and effective. Inclusive opinions from those who prefer one viewing method over the other will also help with the information you gained from the cinemas. Basically, the draft has room for additional information. You can still make this paper more interesting and informative. Just gather additional data for it before you decide on your final content presentation.

Writing Feedback / Children to know right from wrong - IELTS 10 Test 1 Writing Task 2 [4]

This essay will get a TA failing score because you did not discuss the prompt requirements are indicated in the original discussion presentation. Compare the questions from the original with your response:

OP: o what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?What sort of punishment should parents and teachers be allowed to use to teach good behaviour to children?

You totally changed the discussion topic and outline instructions by responding with:

YR: there are some experts that say that punishment is needed for children to learn the difference between right and wrong, while others say punishment has nothing to do with teaching children what is right or wrong. I believe each opinion has its own acceptable reasons.

Both your discussion topic and response is incorrect. Therefore, the essay will be seen by the examiner to be totally unrelated to the provided task. It will get one of the lowest scores possible in the TA section and, when added to the other GRA, LR and C&C issues of your writing, you will not achieve a close to passing score for your presentation.

The essay is a measured emotional response essay that requires you to defend only one side of the discussion based on a suggested alternative punishment for children. A total of 4 paragraphs are required for this type of essay with the reasoning paragraphs representing:

- The explanation of your measured response
- The relationship of your measured response to the alternative punishment for children

Writing Feedback / Domestic recycling - IELTS WRITING TASK 1 LINE GRAPH [4]

Deposal has nothing to do with recycling. The word describes the move of removing a person from a position of authority such as a king or government official. The wrong usage of this word in the essay will affect your LR score. You are scored on the accuracy of your word usage in that section. You need to be sure of the meaning of the word before you use it. One mistake will result in a point deduction for you in that scoring consideration. In the summary overview, you just forgot to mention that the measurement unit was in percentages. Additionally, you did not do a comparison paragraph for the parts of the line graph where the red line intersects with the other 2 color guides. That would have been the comparison part of the essay that would have fully kicked up your scoring consideration.

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 2: Time spent by young adults with their family [4]

You have some pretty valid discussion points in this essay. The problem is, that is all they are, discussion points. There was no real development of the explanation because there were several other topics involved in the paragraph before you presented your unsupported example later on. The second paragraph is a perfect example of an under developed and non-cohesive discussion presentation. You should have opened with "the majority of teenagers now..." because that is a highly perfect sentence for the paragraph and would have automatically included a reason and an example in your discussion.

Since these essays rely on your personal knowledge, observation, and opinion, the presentation of the reason from the Huffington Post should not have been made. You will be writing in the booklet, with only 40 minutes to complete this task. You will not have internet research access. Practice as required, use personal opinion and experience whenever possible. Basing your reason more on your personal relationship with your parents would have been more applicable.

By the way, in the paraphrase section, a simple yes or no answer would have been sufficient. That is because a question was being posed in the original and a response to it was required. However, the reason for your response, should have been threshed out in the second to the last paragraph instead, where the explanation of your personal opinion was required.

Undergraduate / NUS personal statement + SOP essay for science [2]

The reviewer is not asking you to enumerate your accomplishments and seminars attended. Instead, the statement requires you to focus on a single memorable activity that will highlight a reason as to why you are the best student to fill one of the available foreign student slots in the university. I cannot really say that your presentation delivers the required information. While you were told not to focus on the targeted presentation, you need to at least focus on one activity that will stick to the mind of the reviewer. The narration does not really make you stand out. It actually confuses the reader because there is no single, stand - out activity, talent, or experience that would give the examiner an "Aha!" moment with your response. It would be better if you pick one of the 3 topics to represent and then discuss that quickly in the essay. It may help in making the presentation more memorable to the reader.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2: Disappearance of high street shops [5]

It works this way. If you face a prompt that asks any o the following:

- Do you agree or disagree?
- To what extent do you agree or disagree?
- What is your opinion?
- Give your point of view based on personal experience or knowledge

Then you must use the first person pronoun to indicate your personal opinion. However, if the discussion is:

- Discuss both points of view

Then you must use the second or third person point of view. Now, when you get combination instructions:

- Discuss both points of view AND give your own opinion

Then start with "both points of view" from the second or third person reference point. End with the personal opinion side using the first person reference.

The idea is to prove that you know how to use all the pronoun sentence formations in your essay. Since there are 3 reference points:

- First person
- Second person
- Third person

Then you need to show the examiner that you know how to properly use all reference points in the creation of simple and complex sentences that represent a clear explanation through an interconnected paragraph discussion.

Writing Feedback / Many people recommend that we should use more public transports for our sake. Do u agree or disagree [2]

As a task 2 essay, I would have to caution you against writing less than the minimum word count. You only wrote 242 words, which means the appropriate score deductions will be made based on the missing 8 words. It is never a good idea to write less than the word count but, don't overwrite either. The ideal word presentation is between 275-290 words. That would be more or less 20-25 lines of words. That is the perfect presentation for the 40 minute task. The problem is, without the original prompt requirement, and several prompts that could relate to this task, I cannot review your paper for prompt adherence. So I will just review what I can of your work, without focusing on the scoring rubic requirements.

Transports is the act of moving an item from one point to another. Transport though, refers to the type of vehicle a person uses to get around. In this case, you should have said "public transport" and then used "is" instead of "are" in relation to the subject verb agreement rules. You do not need to use a colon when referring to your listing of transportation types. So it should be "... like bus, subway..." There is also an improper adverb format in the presentation: reduce significantly. It should have been presented as "significantly reduce".

There are several other grammar errors in the essay but I believe these are the more important errors that should be focused on. I hope that you can post the prompt with the next essay so that I can give you a more significant review of your work. It is difficult to offer relevant advice without the discussion guideline to base my review on.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing task 1: Internet Users from countries as percentage of population 1999-2009 [9]

Try to write at least 175 words for the Task 1 essay. That is the word count that will ensure the possibility of a high ending score for your data analysis. You have to make sure that you write 3 paragraphs as well since this is a task 1 essay. Your format is a bit off. It is feels mechanical. There is no real analysis of the data. You are just taking the information straight out of the page and writing about it in the test booklet.

You are not trying to figure out the deeper meaning of the data nor offer an analysis of the data in comparison to the year on year results. There are certain points in the line graph where the data touches one another in the presentation. Those are comparison points that were not represented in your essay. The instruction for this type of image is always inclusive of "make comparisons where relevant". You did everything except that in your presentation.

You show a potential to do a proper analytical essay. The problem is that you did not really apply an analysis to the data. That is also why your presentation is so short. Try to lengthen it up to 190 words so that you can get the full scoring potential of your work. By scoring potential, I mean:

- You have the ability to analyze the information
- You understand how the data relates to one another
- You can represent the importance of the information via the trending statement

Your presentation is creative, with room for more creativity in the presentation. Remember though, do not be over creative in the presentation. Keep the analytical academic tone intact at all times.

Spelling problems:

coutries' = countries
Candian = Canadian
accouting = accounting

Brush up on your subject verb rules (the line graph give = the line graph gives). Good job on using estimation words in the essay. Since no actual percentage measurements were given, you were right to connote the information with a sense of uncertainty. This represents an approximation in this instance.

Good attempt at task 1 writing. I look forward to seeing your upcoming improvements.

Writing Feedback / Our planet's nature - writing IELTS Task 2 cambridge 14 [3]

Okay, the essay instruction says you have to discuss both views and give your opinion. It does not say that you should discuss both views and give solutions to the problem. What the essay is asking you to do is give a personal opinion based on your understanding and personal support for one of the two reasoning lines presented. You have deviated from the original prompt and as such, will receive the appropriate points deductions for it.

Your actual discussion is very far from the original prompt discussion requirements. You are discussing the poisoning of the human environment while the essay topic actually is whether the loss of animal life and plants is a more important issue when compared to environmental problems.

You do not actually present a personal opinion regarding the given topic and you are not properly discussing the given points for consideration either. Your discussions have strayed too far from the original prompt for it to be considered related to the original prompt discussion. This is why the essay, based on the TA section alone, will not be able to achieve a score that will bring closer to a 5 band score. Based on the discussion errors, spelling, plus grammar errors, there is no way this essay will get a passing score.

You must work on your English comprehension skills. You have to understand the discussion being presented and how it is to be discussed before you can write the essay. Since you are still practicing, you still have the opportunity to ask your English tutor to explain the discussion requirements to you. You can even consider reading the model responses to the same prompt and then base your own discussion of the topic on what you read in the model essay. There are several ways for you to learn how to avoid prompt deviations. I hope you can consider using both styles to help you improve your English comprehension skills. Fix that problem before you start writing more practice tests. You will not pass the test if you cannot understand what the essay is all about.

Research Papers / Taking a rest: Do you notice that mobile phone is killing you? [3]

Since this is a research paper, you have to avoid using a personal point of view in the presentation. That creates a slanted discussion and tells the reader that you are not out to inform them, you are out to influence their mindset, which is a very bad idea for a research paper. The first part of the essay is a bit difficult to follow. What is the connection of the proverb with the use of cellphones? While it might make sense to you, it doesn't make sense to the reader so you need to spell it out for them. Describe / explain the connection and its relevance to your research.

You also need to better represent why you chose those 3 cellphone usage effects in your essay. Give a simple overview / summary of why you feel the need to discuss those topics in particular so that the reader will know what to expect in the upcoming paragraphs.

Since you are writing an academic paper, you need to keep an academic tone. Do not use common, every day phrases or words such as "awful" and "deplorable habit". It sounds like you opened an English phrasebook and decided to use the words, even though it makes the paper look highly unprofessional and non-academic in presentation.

Research Papers / Mental Health Disorders and their Causes [3]

There is no clear hypothesis in your opening presentation. There is no foundation to create an interest in the central research topic. I know that you have several reasons for the research, but the reasons do not add up to a collective research topic. The best way to come up with a solid thesis statement will be to relate it to your family mental issues. Use that as the foundation for your interest in the research topic then, outline how you will be using that experience to complete your research. Divide the essay into the following sections:

- Introduce the most common mental illness in your family
- What type of diagnostic tool was used to assess the degree of the illness
- The types of treatment they availed of
- Which treatments in particular were most effective in treating the family member and why
- What you think the results of your research say about the future of mental illness treatment

The essay is excessively long. You need to cut it down to a good length and also, you have to use more authoritative sources in your presentation, with proper in-text citations. You must also make sure to create a Sources page for your research.

This is a good working draft. You can still work using this version if you want to. Just remember that you will have to put in a lot of editing and revising time to make the paper work. Maybe writing a new essay would be a better option for you?

Writing Feedback / Giving possibility to choose subjects students prefer or enforcing obligatory subjects at schools? [5]

You are selling yourself short by writing just the right amount of words to meet the minimum requirement. At 253 words, you are not aiming for a higher scoring consideration within all 4 scoring considerations. You are meeting only the minimum scoring considerations with this type of writing. By writing at least 275 words, you will be able to meet the middle requirement for middle scale scoring considerations.

Additionally, you will lose scoring points because of your partial responsiveness to the writing task. The writing task instruction was: Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

There is no clear difference in the discussion point of view. The topic sentence per paragraph should indicate that you are discussing the public point of view. Right now, the discussion clearly focuses only on your personal point of view regarding the 2 discussion topics. So, your essay will be considered only partially responsive, with scores given only for the parts of the discussion that you clearly represent.

Speaking of clearly representing, you are not taking a solid stance within the discussion. By using words that connote uncertainty ( I suppose ), you are not delivering a solid opinion regarding the personal point of view discussion. As such, your lack of conviction within the discussion, based on the discussion requirements, will also result in lost points.

Writing Feedback / Australian household energy use and greenhouse gas emissions. Task 1: IELTS - CAMBRIDGE 10 [7]

While you did write more than enough words to get a higher scoring consideration for the scoring brackets, the fact that these are mostly run on sentences instead of complete paragraphs of 3-5 sentences will lower its scoring potential. As an essay that represents the original charts, you neglected to mention the types of measurements used in each chart and there is a lack of proper comparison.

You cannot start a sentence with the word "particularly" because that is a word that is used to call emphasis to some information in relation to a previous statement within the same sentence. For example, "I don't like the smell of lemons, particularly, Verbena Lemons."

You need to learn how to better present your sentences. You have to make sure that your sentences give the reader a pause within the presentation to be able to catch up with the reading material. A comma can be used for that task but, you need to figure out when to use the full stop, the period, to add clarity and coherence to your presentation.

Writing Feedback / Writing task 2: Academic knowledge vs Life skills [3]

Since you did not provide the original prompt and there are several essays that fall under this topic, I'll just make a general review of your work. Let me just say this, the best scoring essays are always the ones that use the first person point of view (when allowed by the prompt) to offer an insight and / or experience as a part of the discussion presentation. In the second paragraph, the stronger of the two presentations was the one where you said "I believe that placing excessive..."

Remember, the paragraphs should only contain 1 topic sentence so that you can focus on the clarity and validity of your reason. The personal statement would have been the better scoring of the two because it shows and understanding of the topic and an ability to clearly explain yourself based on personal considerations. I do not advise that you present more than 2 connected reasons per paragraph. It is the reason that an essay loses focused responses and clarity in the explanation. In this case, you went off track several times because you focused on reasons instead of explanations.

Please provide the prompt next time. It is important that your essay be reviewed based on the prompt requirements. Without it, it will be difficult to truly spot your writing errors, weakness, and points for improvement. I look forward to reading your next essay soon.

Writing Feedback / Some individuals claim that the only purpose of movie is to entertain. Others have different opinion [7]

Nope. This essay will automatically get a score of 1 in the TA section. Which means the essay will not get a passing score. There is no need for me to review any other mistakes in this essay because you already made a mistake in your prompt response and discussion. The actual prompt for this essay is:

Some movies are serious, designed to make the audience think. Other movies are designed primarily to amuse and entertain. Which type of movie do you prefer?

You totally changed the prompt topic and discussion format to:

This essay will discuss both sides of the argument in detail and provide evidence as to why movies should be used for educational purposes.

You turned a pure personal opinion / choice essay into a comparative discussion. You did not respond to the question in the paraphrase, which, by the way, is also so far off base in the restatement of the discussion topic that the essay truly does not connect in any way to the original presentation. It is because of the completely unrelated task response that this essay cannot get even close to a 4 band score.

Writing Feedback / Export revenues from five different products - IELTS WRITING TASK 1 - Two charts - Cambridge 14 [3]

The summary overview is creative but, it is lacking in representation. There are 5 categories represented in both the chart and the bar graph. So what happened to the agricultural and engineered goods growth trend? You should have made sure to complete the trending comparison based on both images . When you write a comparison essay based on several products and two image method representations, you should group the presentation by category. Since this is a 3 paragraph report, the representation, by group should have been:

- Summary overview with trending statement ( you missed out on presenting the measurements used and category listing as shared by the images)
- Petroleum products, engineered goods, agricultural products
- Gems and jewellery, textiles

By discussing the presentation by group, you will easily meet the 3-5 sentence requirement per paragraph and, you will also manage to stay within the 3 paragraph presentation. Both in a concise manner. Right now, the essay uses only 2 sentences per paragraph, with all related thrown into the presentation. It is difficult to follow and remember. By dividing the presentations into clear data sentence presentations, you will create a more coherent presentation.

Overall, this is a good try. The clarity in the sentences are marred by the overabundance of information per sentence. Try to keep it simple. Do the comparative discussion by group to help with your clarity. Using related discussion topics and proper sentence transitions will allow you to do that. Do not just keep enumerating the information. You have to show an understanding of the information through a thorough discussion presentation. It is the discussion and / or analysis of the given measurements that is lacking at the moment.

Writing Feedback / Ielts task 1 - line graph shows changes in the amount of fast food consumed by Australian teenager. [3]

The lack of graphic image as referred to in your essay will prevent me from properly reviewing your presentation. I do not have a comparison point for your information and what was actually provided to you for the report creation. What I can tell, is that you haven't written enough words to aim for a high scoring task 1 essay. you only wrote 154 words when a better scoring report would have contained at least 175-190 words. That type of writing is aiming for only a low band score. You may not be able to achieve a passing score with such a low word count presentation.

This happened because you did not write at least 3-5 sentences per paragraph. By writing the proper sentence number per paragraph, you will be able to aim for a higher overall score. 2 sentences do not qualify as a complete paragraph. The standard definition of a paragraph is any written presentation with at least 3 sentences contained within. You only wrote 2 sentences per presentation, opting to use a comma to represent a new thought process instead of using a period to indicate the next sentence presentation.

The presentation does not have enough of a simple and complex sentence mix to score well in the GRA section. Rely less on commas and more on varied punctuation marks to indicate your thought process. Show an advanced sentence composition method whenever you can.

Please provide the image next time you post and essay. It will help me provide you with a better assessment of your work. Without it, I can only give you general reviews, which will limit the writing help that I can give you.

(WARNING! DO NOT POST THE IMAGE FOR THE OP! DO SO AT YOUR OWN RISK!)

Writing Feedback / The line graph illustrates how people consumed fast food in UK per week [6]

Your summary overview is not totally informative. When providing the years indicated in the graph, don't just give the start year. give the ending year as well. More importantly, before you present the trending sentence, make sure to indicate when measurement type was used. Remember, the summary is meant to prepare the reader for the information you will be discussing in the report. So providing a clue as to every topic is important. It helps the reader know what to expect and what information will be important to take note of.

Try to provide a 3 sentence minimum per paragraph. What I noticed is that you forgot to do comparisons where relevant in the presentation. There was a certain point where the pizza information overlapped with the hamburger and fish information. However, this overlapping information was not present in your report. Why is that? This created an incomplete representation on your part. The data presentation instruction clearly expected you to see the overlapping information because it asked you to "make comparisons where relevant".

Writing Feedback / What can be done about the hunger crisis? Advanced agriculture and lack of food. [3]

Being a task 2 essay, I do not advise that you write more than 290 words for this essay. With 337 words, I strongly doubt that you would be able to complete this sort of writing in the actual 40 minutes time allotment on the testing day. You are selling yourself short by not allowing yourself a pocket of time to double check your essay before you have to stop writing. Writing between 275-290 words will work best for this purpose. It will also allow you to aim for a better scoring consideration with the examiner as you will have shown that you can explain your reasons quickly in English.

The prompt rephrasing needs to have at least 3 sentences. Actually, all the sentences in each paragraph should not be less than 3 but no more than 5. It has to properly outline the discussion you will be presenting so:

Advances in agronomy seem to not have helped the global starvation problem. A majority of the worldwide population still find themselves lacking in food supplies. I can think of 2 reasons why this continues to happen. I also have a clear idea as to how this problem can be provided with a proper solution.

Just do a clear outline of the upcoming discussion topics. Try to be clear about what your topic paragraphs will be about. Your current presentation isn't really as clear as it can be. I hope you can improve your presentation of this section in the future.

Kindly remember that you will not have the ability to do research for your presentation at the testing center. Use only your common sense, commonly known information, and observations for that part of the essay. You have to practice not doing research this early on so that you will not become reliant upon it and fail the test on the actual day because you don't know how to respond without access to the internet.

Your essay has several spelling problems that you could have spotted if you had done some self - editing of the paper before you decided the content was final. Always spellcheck, grammar check, and review for prompt responsiveness before submitting the paper. Correct what you notice to be errors so that you can get a better overall score. Your spelling errors have forced GRA mistakes. That means your lack of proper editing has caused severe LR and GRA deductions. The LR deductions will be due to the error in word usage. The GRA deductions will be based on the sentence structure errors. You also did not properly use the Oxford comma throughout the essay.

Hopefully, you will have the time to read the sample essays here. You should be able to pick up some valuable pointers from the previous exam takers mistakes that you can help to improve your writing in your next practice essay. There are just too many existing errors in your current presentation for me to present and correct in this post.

Writing Feedback / The chart - information about the age of women in Australia who give first birth [2]

The first problem with this presentation has to do with the summary overview. You forgot to mention:
- The years covered by the measurement (1966, 1986, 2006)
- Type of measurement (percentage)
- Specific age ranges (19-34 years of age)

The above information should have been presented in a paragraph format. Your trending information seems to be missing some information. When you started the second sentence with "Can register an upward...", it appears that you started the new sentence in the middle as the subject of the verb (register an upward...) is missing. Did you accidentally use a period at the end of the first sentence? It could have been a smooth sentence presentation without the period and simply presenting the complete sentence by joining the two thought presentations into one.

Be uniform in your sentence presentations. Always write a minimum of 3 sentences, no more than 5. Avoid the cop-out of using only commas in separating your sentence topics. Use more punctuation marks. Aim to score better in the GRA by using a proper mix of complex and simple sentences, with a dash of punctuation marks other than commas and periods. Study the advanced set-up of English sentences. That would help introduce you to the advanced usage of punctuation marks as well.

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 2 ( Topic: science & research) [4]

Since this is the first essay that you have written for this task, I will be able to tell you that no, you cannot score a 7 with this type of writing. There are just too many errors in the presentation that will affect your final score in a downward manner. Let's start with the basics.

You have only 40 minutes to complete this task. There is no way you can write 394 words within that time frame. Be realistic. Use a timer next time you write an essay. Learn to allow time for the following procedures:

- Outline the task discussion points
- Write a draft of the essay
- Review the content, adjusting the content where required
- Edit the work to remove any grammar and sentence structure errors
- Make sure you are satisfied with the final outcome before you submit the essay

All of these procedures need to be completed within 40 minutes. So there is no way you can write almost 400 words. Aim for the more realistic goal of 275-290 words. That will leave you with just enough time to complete all the other perfection tasks required to complete the essay.

Double check your spelling. The term is non-governmental, not non-govenmental. You do not need to use a hyphen for certain words. References such as "financially demanding" do not require a hyphen between the words. Review your subject - verb agreement rules. Say "... these institutions HAVE", not has. Also, there is no word such as "can not". That, is a single word written as "cannot". Avoid double negations such as not uncommon by saying uncommon instead.

I will not score this essay. I would like to reserve that for your second try at task 2 writing. Aim for a short but well explained essay. Based on this presentation, I am sure you can do that. When I feel the time is right, I will give you a score for your essay. For now, let's work on getting the format for the presentation right.

Writing Feedback / Topic: Television is harmful for communication skills of people. Why? [3]

There are actually 2 different prompts that apply to the Task 2 essay topic you have chosen. Unless I know which of the two prompts you are specifically responding to, I cannot offer a complete review of your work. I do not want to make a mistake in advising you about the discussion approach because of the 2 different response styles required for each prompt question. So I will just offer you a general review of your work instead. You should remember to post the prompt next time you post so you can get a better review in the future.

You really should e careful of your spelling. Remember, that in an actual IELTS test, you will be scored for the accuracy of your spelling along with the proper use of the word. There is no word "som" in the dictionary, but there is the word "some" which means "an approximation". Remember to spellcheck before submitting your essay.

The phrase "each others" is incorrect. Saying "each other's", connoting ownership is the proper phrasing for the term. However, in the context of your sentence, the proper reference is "each other" only. That signifies one for every person.

Since you wrote only 147 words for an IELTS test, you will automatically get a failing score. Remember that the minimum word requirement is 250 words. Try to achieve that word count with your next essay. Don't forget to provide the prompt also so that you can get a better review of your work. I cannot help you improve if I cannot properly assess the weak points of your written presentations.