Unanswered [4] | Urgent [0]
  

Posts by faizunaa17 [Suspended]
Name: Mushonnifun Faiz Sugihartanto
Joined: Sep 14, 2016
Last Post: Jan 8, 2017
Threads: 49
Posts: 66  
From: Indonesia
School: ITS Surabaya

Displayed posts: 115 / page 2 of 3
sort: Latest first   Oldest first  | 
faizunaa17   
Nov 20, 2016
Writing Feedback / There are many problems that make water become hard to get; Water Scarcity and Solutions [2]

What are the causes of water scarcity? What are your solutions?

There are many problems that make water become hard to get. It usually causes by natural condition and people's act. This essay will give explanations about the reason of water scarcity and some solutions that is divided into two kinds of solutions, one is short-term and another is long-term.

In general, weather condition is one of the primary causes that usually makes water hard to find. Nowadays our seasons time is very weird rather than the past time. Sometimes dry season longer than rainy seasons, but it also reverses in the other time. In fact, the anomaly is caused by human behavior for overusing gasoline and creates greenhouse effect that make the weather become unstable. Taken an example of that, people in their activity are mostly use petrol for fulfilling daily needs. The increasing of the number of vehicles as a result of decreasing price makes every people can purchase it. Then, the machine burning process produce smoke that reduce the stability of air substance in the atmosphere, and the worst effect is causing our weather and seasons so unpredictable, and finally it makes some area in the world dry.

So, to solve that, there are many suggestions that is divided into two primary solutions. First is short term solution. Recently, technology had succeeded for discovering helicopter that can produce man-made rain. The aircraft bring a lot of salt, spread in in the sky to make the cloudy become heavy and finally it will produce rainwater. Secondly is long-term solutions. People must reduce the fuel usage to make our weather condition become stable again even predictable. They can convert their energy into electricity that is renewable even cheaper than gasoline and also less-harmful.

All in all, water scarcity can be solved if people are really aware about their behavior to take care their environment.
faizunaa17   
Nov 20, 2016
Writing Feedback / A comparison of hourly viewers in millions per day of Channel One News in one year [2]

A comparison of hourly viewers in millions per day of Channel One News in one year is illustrated in the line chart. Overall, all data showed fluctuation trend except 1 pm that was looked stable in one year. It also can be seen that 6 pm has the highest number of average viewers while although in general 1 pm placed as the lowest, but in the end of the year, 11 pm became the lowest.

It is clear that in the first five months the sequence still same until the appearance of 11 pm news on 1st May. There are many changes of order in August, that was proven by a significant increase of 11 pm into the peak just above four, decreasing of 6 pm to the middle of 3 and four, and a downward movement of 9.30 into a little above one.

After that, these three data had immediately change in the next following months. There is a raise of 6 pm news into 4 and next it went down until November and rose slightly above three in the last month. A moderate change also showed by 9.30 from 2.5 to 3. In contrast, there was a tremendous negative change of 11 pm program into about 25 percent smaller than in august. Then, 1 pm program still in the same trend, just above 1.



  • piechart3OMG.JPG
faizunaa17   
Nov 20, 2016
Writing Feedback / International tourist destinations between 1995 and 2010 is depicted in the line chart [3]

A breakdown of International Tourist Arrivals in five regions between 1995 and 2010 is depicted by using line chart. Overall, United States of America placed in the top among all in that fifteen years, followed by France that had the most significant change. In addition, there were two countries that stood in the lowest position.

It can be seen that USA had only general increase from 70 in the beginning to just below 90 in 2010. Although it increased until reached 90 in 2005, but a very tiny fall occurred in the rest of year. However, the other countries had positive trend in all years. The most tremendous upward trend was represented by France that almost threefold larger than in the beginning and made it had the same value with USA in 2010.

Furthermore, Malaysia, which had the third place, went up more than two times from 20. In the lowest position, in 1980 Brazil made a very slight difference with Egypt that just a little below ten. Then, both crossed each other between 1995 and 2000 and finally Egypt hit the fourth rank a little below 20, while Brazil in the last standing at just above 10.
faizunaa17   
Nov 20, 2016
Writing Feedback / Electrical source in Germany and New Zealand [2]

A comparison about electrical source in Germany and New Zealand in 1980 and 2010 is represented by using pie charts and measured by units. Overall, Germany made coal as their raw material in both years, while New Zealand used coal as many as natural gas in 1980, however in 2010 Nuclear placed as the primary resources for producing spark. In addition, both had an upward trend in the total of units' use.

It is clear that in that two years, most of electrical sources in New Zealand used Coal, and in 2010, it was almost tripled at 56 in 1980. Furthermore, there was a tremendous downward in natural gas in the second year that become fifteen times smaller than in 1980 at 2. Another decreasing change was depicted by petroleum into about one-fifth from the previous year. However, it can be seen that a moderate positive change was shown by hydro from 30 to 46.

While New Zealand had no Nuclear sources, Germany had it. Moreover, it became the largest increasing value in that country, about 7 times larger than before at 20. While inartificial gas and coal hit the top of electrical sources in 1980, Nuclear In 2010 became the most enormous among all. In contrast, both years used water as the fewest resource for generating electric that stood at 7 and went down into 2 after twenty years. While coal had the similar amount at 28 in that two years, a slight increase was represented by fuel from 22 to 27.



  • Piechart1yeah.JPG
faizunaa17   
Nov 19, 2016
Writing Feedback / Is working in a friendly environment and doing things which you like, the main factor to be happy? [3]

HELLO DIOOOO

... have an occupation your THAT YOU LOVE doing TO DO while the others ...
1. YOUR IS USED FOR OWNED (KEPEMILIKAN), IT IS NOT APPROPRIATE

2. TO DO : MORE APPROPRIATE

Whereas, a person can be happy if they have a job which their they love
3. YOU SAID A PERSON (SINGULAR), BUT WHY USE "THEY" (PLURAL) as your PRONOUN

4. THEIR + NOUN (REFER TO OWNERSHIP)
faizunaa17   
Nov 19, 2016
Writing Feedback / The Main Feature to Get Happy Life is Depending to The Around Factor of Self [4]

HELLO YURIKE, GUESS ME WHO? HAHA

Happy HAPPINESS is the most important and THE main feature which be IS necessary for life today TODAY'S LIFE and the next too IN THE FUTURE.

1. HAPPY ---> ADJECTIVE. MAKE SURE IT BECOMES NOUN---> HAPPINESS

2. DON'T FORGET TO PUT ARTICLE "THE"

3. LIFE TODAY ---> INAPPROPRIATE.

4 NEXT TOO ---> UNCLEAR MEANING ---> CHANGES INTO WORD THAT CAN MAKE THE READER CLEARLY UNDERSTAND

I suggest you must study grammar again Yurike, Keep fight, see you in Europe ^^
faizunaa17   
Nov 19, 2016
Writing Feedback / Information on the total number of fish caught and total number of fishing vessels used in Westhaven [2]

Hello Syaikh,

... information about THE total of fish catchTHAT IS CATCHED and totalTHE QUANTITY of fishing vessel THAT IS used in Westhaven duringFROM 2008 to 2011

1. ARTICLE THE---> DON'T FORGET PLACE IT

2. CATCH (MENANGKAP) ---> VERB. THAT IS CATCHED (YANG DITANGKAP) ---> VERB IN PASSIVE FORM (

3. AVOID REPETITION IN ONE SENTENCE. USE THE SYNONIM: TOTAL = AMOUNT = QUANTITY = SUM

4. USED (MENGGUNAKAN) ---> VERB FOR PAST TENSE | THAT IS USED ----> VERB IN PASSIVE, FOR PASSIVE SIMPLE PRESENT.

5. DURING ---> SELAMA . (USING LIKE THAT : DURING 5 YEARS). FROM ALWAYS FOLLOWED BY TO ----> FROM BLA BLA BLA TO BLA BLA BLA

... be seen that every total of fish caught increased [DOUBLE VERB] the number of fishing boats rose as well . [VERY POOR SENTENCE STRUCTURE, AND WHAT THE MEANING OF THIS

Overall, it can be seen that the increasing of the number of fishes that was caught were followed with the raise of the fishing boats' quantity.

Since you don't upload your picture of the graph, I cannot continue my correction.
faizunaa17   
Nov 19, 2016
Writing Feedback / TASK ONE IELTS ACADEMIC WRITING LINE CHART [2]

Hello Syeikh Bambang, let me give you some suggestions:

The line chart shows information about total of amount ofTHE TOTAL / THE AMOUNT money OFaTHE city council THAT IS presented to the book clubs during four yearYEARSTHAT IS measured by pound sterling. POUNDSTERLING

1 THE TOTAL = THE AMOUNT ---> has same meaning. Use one of them

2. Article "a" is used if you still don't know what it refer to. Article "THE" is used when you already know what the data refer to. It can be seen that your data refers to the table, so, use "THE" not "A"

3. PRESENTED ---> past form. THAT IS PRESENTED ----> passive form. In your sentence, it looks like means passive form "diberikan, diukur menggunakan"

4. FOUR YEAR"S" ----> PLURAL FORM.

Overall, it can be seen that THE total of money which is given by THE city council IS always bigger than THE total of the book clubs. (WHAT IS YOUR MEANING? "UANG YANG DIBERIKAN OLEH PEMERINAH SELALU LEBIH BESAR DARIPADA JUMLAH KLUB BUKU". IT LOOKS LIKE "TIDAK NYAMBUNG".

5. ARTICLE "THE" PROBLEM AGAIN

5. IS ALWAYS BIGGER ---> DON'T FORGET USE VERB. A SENTENCE MUST CONTAIN SUBJECT AND VERB.

Since you don't upload the picture of your task, sorry i can't continue my correction into your BODY PARAGRAPH.
Next, you must upload it to make the contributor easier to correct it.

BREAK A LEG AKHIII SOLEEEH
faizunaa17   
Nov 14, 2016
Writing Feedback / The Human Speech Origin was Learned from Old Fish Sound [2]

Hello Yurike, guess me who ? wkkwkw
Let me try to give you some corrections.

... life in any animal was includewas included / included in making and (...) also their world camescame from the sound.

1) Past Tense --> included (positive) or were included (negative)

2) came ---> past form don't have "Verb s" form, still use came for pronoun like He, She, It.

The using of actuallyactual timed and coordinated ...

3) your "timed" might refer as "noun" so use adjective ---> actual , not adverb ---> actually

. The control of these movements in ...

4) Add connector

The cells in neurons is the region responsibleresponsibility of the region / responsible region to make sound in animal, because it coodinatecoordinates the muscle controlling ...

5) region (noun) + responsible (adjective) ----> reverse it. Adjective is placed before noun. or you can change it into noun ---> responsibility

6) coordinates ---> Verb S >>>>>>> It + Coordinates

This region can resultproduce unique sound ...

7) can + Verb 1. result is noun, not verb.

... in the brain which is linked to cognition and language.

8) which + is + linked (negative forms)

... nerves for the example, is makingmakes / making the negative influence ...

9) is making ---> DOUBLE VERB !.
faizunaa17   
Nov 8, 2016
Writing Feedback / The happiness is hard to characterize - there are different answers and conclusions about this. [2]

Happiness is considered very important in life. Why is it difficult to define? What factors are important in achieving happiness?

From the past time until now and maybe in the future, joyfulness is the key to make our life become meaningful. Some argue that lot of money, luxurious clothes, jewelry will be useless if the people cannot live happily. Meanwhile, although people live in poor and hunger condition, but usually they can enjoy their live because they already know what the way of their life.

I personally agree if happiness is hard to define. Taken example of that, if some psychologist asked about the way to become happy, they have different answers and it can be concluded that every person has no similarity in their pattern to become happy. Wealthy people has their own way to get comfortable feeling. They usually share their worth and make donation for orphanage, street children, and some social organization. Sometimes they also invite the children to their home, make an event that they can laugh together, and give souvenirs when they back to the home. In contrast, poor people cannot do this. They help other people with their energy and skills. For instance, they can help to build their neighbor home, sometimes give snack even meals to the children around their home, also teach some knowledge to other without any fee.

Based on the previous paragraph that already explained, we can sum it into one key-factor. Happiness can be achieved if the people helpful or give many benefit with their surroundings. Although if they only can give a little piece of smile but it will give positive energy to other. Furthermore, one thing that become the ultimately important is feeling sincere without hope any response to the people that helped.

All in all, life is become convenient if we feel happy every day. It will bring positive energy to be more productive in the work, and to be more relaxed when we take a rest.
faizunaa17   
Nov 8, 2016
Writing Feedback / The facts about expenditure of European People in five countries in 2002 revealed in the table. [2]

There is some information about expenditure of European People in five countries in 2002 revealed by table. It divided into three kinds of necessities and measured with percentage. In general, compared with others, Food/drink/tobacco were the largest quantities in all nations. In addition, the highest value is Turkey in consuming Meal/Beverage/Smoke, while the lowest is Spain that spending very few of their money in Pastime/Education.

In the top of all, Turkey had 32.14 that two times larger than Sweden in spent their salary for Food/Drink/Cigarette. Turkey has the a slight different with Ireland in second position at 28.91. The third, fourth, and five also have small difference, 18.80, 16.36, 15.77 respectively.

Move to the other needs, Clothing/Footwear placed the second position in all countries. Italy became the biggest percentage at 9%, while the other only had very little dissimilar, each of them no more than two percent. Sweden placed the smallest consumption in this field.

The last is Fun Activity/School which were all of them no more than 5 percent. While turkey set again in the first position at 4.35 percent Spain, was the lowest at 1.98 percent.



  • assignment_4.JPG
faizunaa17   
Nov 8, 2016
Writing Feedback / Most people in all surveyed countries tend to spent their money on food, drinks, and tobacco [3]

The highest percentage of THAT, is Turkey in spending money ...

1. Don't forget to add connector "THAT"

Ireland, Spain, and Italy were abovebelow Turkey in 28.91, ...

2. above : di atas. Below : dibawah

Sweden had at least percentage in ...

3. at least : minimal : usually using like that : at least 65% bla bla bla. So it is not appropriate
faizunaa17   
Nov 7, 2016
Writing Feedback / In some states, after teenagers finish their high school, they are suggested to find jobs [2]

In some countries, young people are encouraged to work or travel for a year between finishing high school and starting university studies. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages for young people who decide to do this.

In some states, after the teenagers finished their high school, they are suggested to find jobs or make their own journey about one year before entering college. It will bring some pros and cons based on their needs. However, I argue that both advantages and disadvantages are equal related to their needs and conditions.

Every people should have their own life plan, and it will decide our step after passed high school. When young people have plan to work in the field activity such as mechanics, machine expertise, entrepreneur, it is recommended to them for working before they study in university. It will bring some advantages like experienced, knowledgeable to the real condition, even they can know what things that must be learn in the University that will be support in their work. However, a drawback that usually occur is they maybe feel lazy to study because they already get money. This phenomenon frequently happens to some of the young that already get money and finally they refuse to continue their education.

Otherwise, if the juvenile has intention to become someone who work in the laboratory, medicine, politics, education organization that need more literacy than practical, they must directly starting their studies in university after they pass national examination in Higher School, because faster is better. I think it will bring many benefit for supporting their future career, such as they can get bachelor degree in the early age, even continue their study to master until doctoral program. For this decision, in my opinion there is no negative effect.

To sum up, every decision has their own consequence. Both work or travel and directly study in university are good choice for young people since it related to their life plan and real needs.
faizunaa17   
Nov 7, 2016
Writing Feedback / The number of commodities transported in United Kingdom 1984-2002 using various transportation [3]

The line chart displays the number of commodities transported in United Kingdom from 1984 to 2002 using various kinds of transportation method in million tones. Overall, over 28 years, the trend of each kind was tended to be stable and increased slightly and also most of people like to use Road, otherwise look like they used pipeline in a few times.

It can be seen that Road placed as the highest among all almost 30 years. Started at about 70% in 1974, then grew moderately until reached a little below 100. In contrast, pipeline lied in the lowest position that set about 5 in 1974 then went upward marginally to above 20.

Besides that, in the first year, between rail and water have very small difference, 40 and a slight below 40. However, in 1978, both of them have the similar amount at 40, and after that water become higher than Rail until 2002, 65 and 42 respectively.



  • assignment_3_task_1..jpg
faizunaa17   
Nov 7, 2016
Writing Feedback / The proportion of some equipment carried away all over UK [5]

... each types of transportationstransportation was started at...

1) each type : one by one, so use transportation without 's' because it is singular

Overall i think it is already improved
faizunaa17   
Nov 7, 2016
Writing Feedback / Some countries such as the United States and the United Kingdom have the special "gap" policy [4]

Some countries such as the United States and the United Kingdom ...

1) Article the is used for things that people usually multiperception or already mentioned before. If you talk about UK and US, people will think the same. Because it already refer to the place.

... the experienced student will be ready to study in ...

2) will + be

... to do some task that will be not given when ...

3. Your explanation look like to contradict the fact.
faizunaa17   
Nov 7, 2016
Writing Feedback / The use of road transport in delivering some goods in Britain is constantly growing [4]

The graph below shows the quantities ...

1) Avoid to use below. Because in the real TEST, the graph is located in different paper, so to make it more safe i think you should remove it

the goods that transported increased significantly ...

2) goods in plural because you use it in the plural form

3) add connector to avoid double verb (transported + increased
faizunaa17   
Nov 6, 2016
Writing Feedback / Fixed punishments for each type of crime? The rules must be flexible with the real condition [2]

Some people believe that there should be fixed punishments for each type of crime. Others, however, argue that the circumstances of an individual crime, and the motivation for committing it, should be always taken into account when deciding on the punishment.

Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.


Nowadays, many criminal accidents occur almost every day. Some people argue that every kind of crime must have fixed penalty. However, others said that police should look at the situation, condition and also motivation of the arrested people for deciding the punishment. In order to make the justice become greater, I totally agree the second views that individual's motive must be included.

In my opinion, I am sure that every nation already had their own fixed regulation since the past time. However, the rules must be flexible with the real condition. When people is arrested by law department, they have rights to defend themselves and talk about why and how they do the delinquency that cause harmful in their environment. So, constitution just become the guidance to make the best verdict for them.

Taken example in my country, in the past time, media showed that a poor older grandma was arrested because they stole wood in the forest. The companies sued her to be imprisoned that was corresponded with civil law, but the lawyer refuse that. The grandmother said that actually she really didn't know about the tree-wood belongs to. She said that she found it in the central forest that near with their home, and bring just small and very few logs to made it became firewood that she sold in the market. Finally, people from industries forgave her, and she was freed from that case.

All in all, in the democratic era, we cannot see only one aspect to uphold fairness. Some reasons like the people's background, why they commit it, and how the effects of incident should be considered by the judgement. So, I hope it will be increase our peaceful and happiness in the future.
faizunaa17   
Nov 6, 2016
Writing Feedback / Figures that illustrate step by step process and equipment used for creating cement and concrete [2]

There are two figures that illustrate step by step and equipment that used for creating cement and concrete for building purpose. It can be seen that cement is produced from two raw materials: limestone and clay. The other tools that used for it, are crusher, mixer, rotating heater, grinder, and bags. Then, to produce concrete, there are some materials such as gravel, sand, cement, and water and one machine that called concrete mixer.

It can be seen that there are several steps to make cement. First, the rocks and soil are crushed by using crusher for producing powder. Then, the two powders are combined by using mixer. After that, it is heated inside the Rotating Heater using fire. Next, it is grinded on the grinder. As a result, cement is already packed into the bags.

After finished to produce, cement is used for generating concrete. The process is more simple than creating cement. Concrete is produced by mixing four kinds of matters. It must contain cement (15%), water (10%), sand (25%), and gravel (50%). All of the materials is mixed inside concrete mixer. Finally, it become the finished good that using for building purpose.



  • task1holiday2.JPG
faizunaa17   
Nov 5, 2016
Writing Feedback / The percentage of money consumed for several different outgoings by a school in UK [3]

...and over a three-year period this percentage was ...

1) THREE YEAR OR THIRTY YEAR ? Be careful of this.

... category was lower than THE others and this...

2) ARTICLE "THE"

In 1981, the percentage of'resources e.g books' category was same at 15 percent.
Besides that, in 1991 the percentage of 'resources e.g books' category was greater than 'furniture and equipment' category 20 and ...
In contrasscontrast, in 2001 this category was lower than 'furniture and equipment' category at 9 and ...

3) REPETITION. You should AVOID THIS !

4) TYPO . contrass ---> CONTRAST
faizunaa17   
Nov 5, 2016
Writing Feedback / Nowadays, issues of crowded roads and chemical emissions make countries alarmed [2]

Hello willy, here is some suggestion from me:

... make countries should have methodsome methods to solve these issues.

1) I think you should use some methods / many methods , or anything but refer to plural. Because in my opinion, not just ONLY ONE METHOD that should given by country.

There areTheyusinguse vehicles to go to office...

2) They + Use . They ---> refer to people. There---> usually refer to "things"

They thingthink it is a good choice because ...

3) TYPO ---> thing must be THINK

4) Don forget to add an "article"

For instance, in Indonesia government subsidy price of petrol and all of level ...

5) WHY USING "AND"? It's not appropriate in my opinion; Just try like that :

For instance, Because of the price subsidies that given by Indonesia's government, all of level of societies can buy subsidizer petrol.

So, with increasing price of petrol, it can make (...) transportation to dofor doing daily activities in outside.

6) ADDING PRONOUN TO MAKE IT CORRECT.

7) AVOID REPETITION ---> to choose public transportation to do
faizunaa17   
Nov 5, 2016
Writing Feedback / Teachers' salaries rose, however the other workers' wage dropped. Annual spendings by a UK school [4]

Hello Ba'da, here some suggestion for you

These three pie charts show the changes in annual spending by a...

1) DON'T COPY PASTE THE QUESTION. You must PARAPHRASE it. If you don't know the synonym of the world, minimum you can CHANGE THE FORM from POSITIVE to NEGATIVE sentence

... trend of teachers' salaries. In contrast / However / Despite / Whereas There was a downward trend ...

2) USE CONJUNCTION to CONNECT YOUR IDEA.

Based on the pie charts, the largest number came ...

3) TOO FEW EXPLANATION. You can explore it to be more details. That indicators also has change and data in 2001, but you did not mention ANYONE.
faizunaa17   
Nov 5, 2016
Writing Feedback / Too many people have their own vehicle - a lot of cars means problem with traffic and pollution [3]

Increasing the price of petrol is the best way to solve growing traffic and pollution problems. To what extent do you agree or disagree? What other measures do you think might be effective?

Nowadays, there are many people that are already have vehicles because of its low prices and credit payment method that often offered. As a result of that, many traffic congestions occur almost every day especially in some metropolitan city. Moreover, cars and motorcycles also produce harmful smoke that create greenhouse gases effect even human respiration system disease. To solve that, some people say that the best way is by boosting the fare. However, in my opinion I totally disagree about that, because there are others indicators that more influenced.

In the recent years, fossil fuel had already become one of human primary need. It is proven by data from Statistical Center Department, Indonesia shows that almost 75 percent of Indonesia's inhabitants have their own both four-wheel and two-wheel drive. So, we can conclude that the role of public and private transportation today is extremely important for doing many daily activities. In the past, Indonesia had an experience when the officials decided to raise the oil price, and it made many resident protest, demonstrated, and finally government reduced it until back to the normal price. With that kind of the accident in the past, it can be seen that increasing petrol price will bring many drawbacks and it does not have any effect for reducing traffic crowded and pollution problem.

So, I think there are two solutions that will be fix that difficulties. First, to solve street crowd, administration should provide and upgrade the public transportation to be more convenient. For instance, in many developed countries, they usually have comfortable transportation system that can effectively decrease the traffic problems. Second, to conquer pollution, government must be doing conversion energy project seriously. For example, in my country, it already invented many kind of electricity motor and cars, but it unsupported by facilities such as electric station, massive production, even the project finally ended up with unknown reason. Society also can convert their fuel from solar and premium into pertamax, even though more expensive but has smaller number of octant that produce less-pollutant gas.

To sum up, the rising price of fossil fuels will not bring any effect to traffic congestion and global warming, because that oil already become people's daily needs. So, public transport and energy conversion are more reasonable compared with the previous solution.
faizunaa17   
Nov 5, 2016
Writing Feedback / There are three pie charts which illustrate the changes in yearly cost of a certain UK's school [2]

There are three pie charts illustrate the changes in yearly cost of a certain UK's school in 1981, 1991, and 2001. Overall, it can clearly be seen that teacher's remuneration became the highest aspects while assurance had the lowest percentage over 20 years.

In general view, most of features have fluctuation trend because they did not stable. Schoolmasters and Schoolmistress' salaries, which became the highest spending rise from 40 percent in 1981 to 50 percent in 1991 but fell by 5 percent in 2001. It had the same pattern with resources, for example books, that started from 15 percent in the first year, then moved upwards into 20 percent and finally deteriorated sufficiently into 9 percent. Another unstable trend was displayed by furniture and equipment, but the difference was it increased in the second year.

Furthermore, there are some data that increase slightly in the two decades. It was an insurance cost that had very little change from 2 percent in the beginning, change slightly into 3% in the middle, and in the last grew to 8%. In contrast, other worker salaries were felt moderately from 28 percent in the first decade to 15 percent in the last.



  • piecharttiga.JPG
faizunaa17   
Nov 4, 2016
Writing Feedback / There are many kinds of foods that attract attention people especially children to buy it. [5]

WRITING SCORING #4 CAMBRIDGE BOOK 5.5 - 6.5 TASK 2

Nowadays, there are many kinds of foods that attract attention people especially children to buy it. It was proven in my previous school, in the canteen, this day sells meals that have more types than in the past. Unfortunately, some of the food stalls contain unhealthy meals that often disturb their study process. So, I think it is important for students to consume good food, even school must be selective to the quality of snacks especially that sold inside the school.

To start with, children must have self-awareness for keeping their own health. I am sure that students already know that consuming hygiene meals is more important than just a tasteful one. That is because they need a lot of nutritions that will help them to be more concentrate in the classrooms, being strong when sleep overnight for assignment purposes, also stay focus when they obey the cleanness, substance, even the ingredients of their daily consumption, it will causes many diseases like cough, stomachache, diarrhea, and others. Furthermore, they will absent from class in a few days, make them lost of topic that given by teachers that day.

So, to reduce that problem, school must have responsibility to investigate all kind of meals that usually sold in the canteen. For instance, they can create some rules maybe all sellers must have certificate from Ministry of Health, or all food must not contain any dangerous substance, even sometimes investigation can be done without any information before, and if school see any harmful ingredients, the shops will get punishment. However, if the seller still obey the rules, school can break their permission for selling the food again in the canteen.

To conclude that, one of the most important thing for creating effective learning process in the school is the students should be healthy that resulted from their food that they eat. Moreover, school also become the main supporting system for providing hygiene, clean, also healthy food for the children.
faizunaa17   
Nov 4, 2016
Writing Feedback / Flying in the United States. How content were customers from the aircraft service there? [4]

WRITING SCORING #4 CAMBRIDGE BOOK 5.5 - 6.5 TASK 1

These two figures provide information about how much customer was satisfied with aircraft service in United States in 1999, 2000, and 2007. While the bar chart gives in general, the table displays more specific using some indicators. Overall, during the eight years period, customers felt more convenient with the plane service. In contrast, their disappointment level decrease slightly each year. Besides that, flight attendants' aspects became the highest percentage among the others.

It can be seen that the percentage of satisfaction in 1999 was already doubled of the dissatisfied, 65 percent and 32 percent respectively. Then, satisfied percentage increased into 72 percent in 2007, made it tripled because of the fall of dissatisfied at 24 percent in the same year.

The result of the bar chart was similar with the table that almost all of indicators rose gradually each year. The biggest point was shown by flight attendants courtesy at 92 percent, while the lowest is seat's comfortable at 47 percent. The other aspects such as courtesy of check in / gate agents, price of tickets, and scheduled, placed second, third, and fourth position respectively.



  • Capture.PNG
faizunaa17   
Nov 3, 2016
Writing Feedback / The comparison of opinions about the bond of employees with their bosses at a work place [2]

It iswas measured in the percentage...

1) It was not It is, because it is the past form

... workplace during the yearyear given.

2) years not year. Because there are two years.

... a tiny proportion above 3%in the year given .

3) What is refer to ? Because in the last paragraph, you don't mention any years
faizunaa17   
Nov 3, 2016
Writing Feedback / Early age is the best time to learn many things, including a new language. [2]

... to learn many things moreovereven a new language

1) Moreover usually placed in the beginning of the sentences. It's not true if it placed in the middle of the sentence.

Some people are convincedconvince that children have tomust / should learn a different language ...

2) suggestion ---> must / should

3) remember it present and active. Not passive form.

LeaningLearning a new language in the ...

4) TYPO ---> LEARNING

... overburden the children because they have to focus as well as on other subjects such as math, science, and their own original language.
... would get stress becausethey already have been some subjects in the school and after that they ...

5) I think there is no different between your first example and the second example. In the first you say they must focus to many subjects, and then they must divide their time. In the second you said, ther some subject, and after that they must have another time. What is the different between that ?

to get much burdenchance / opportunity in the next education ...

6) Based on the cambridge dictionary, burden have meaning like that:

noun
- a heavy load that you carry
- something difficult or unpleasant

verb
- to trouble someone

So, what is the meaning that you means ?
faizunaa17   
Nov 3, 2016
Writing Feedback / The pie charts present about the relationship between employees and supervisor and their work-mates [2]

1) You'd better if you add some conjunction or linking words : IN ADDITION, BESIDE THAT, IN THE FIRST GRAPH, OR OTHERS, that make it more coherence.

2) Well, remember, IELTS Writing Task 1 have aim to know our ablity of SUMMARIZING. In you body you still mention it one by one. And there are nothing any comparison between data. You should compare, for instance people who very good in supervisor and in co-workers, and others. You still mention one by one and it makes not fulfill the aim of Task 1
faizunaa17   
Nov 3, 2016
Writing Feedback / Various clothes have the particular function to impress someone else. [2]

Hello Asep, I have some suggestions to you

Some people think that the clothes , which is worn ...
... the situation that the clothes has its particular ...

... of the importance of clothes worn, they generally ...
... necessary to choose clothes carefully for some ...

... appeal through their clothes .
... and affords to buy branded clothes or nice clothing.
... the notion of clothes worn is important to ...

You doing repetition too much with clothes. You should change this into FABRIC / GARMENT / SUIT / MENSWEAR AND WOMANSWEAR

Overall is good essay, you can use one idea paragraph correctly and it make your coherence better.
faizunaa17   
Nov 3, 2016
Writing Feedback / Those four pie charts display information on worker's relationship with their boss and peers [2]

IELTS WRITING TASK 1 : CAMBRIDGE BOOK 5.5 - 6.5 | UNIT 7 PAGE 46

There are 4 pie charts display about worker's relationship with their boss and peers that gained from surveys in 2005 and 2009. Overall, they had very good relationship in all years and each year tend to have similar order.

It can be seen that there were two differences of relationship with supervisor in 205 and 2009. First, was the percentage. It only had less than 5 percent difference each of indicators. The highest were very good that increase from 61 percent to 65 percent in 2009, Good that decrease slightly by 4% into 22 percent, and do not have supervisor that rise from 1 percent to 5 percent. Second was the indicators. While some people were not give any answer in 2005 (2%), it did not appear in 2009.

In the next group that showed relationship with pair-work, most of the people had very good relationship both in 2005 and 2009, 63 percent and 70 percent respectively. That indicator also became the highest rise among the others with 7% upward. The charts also had a diverse indicators while in 2005 there was a poor indicator, it disappeared in 2009.



  • 272252_1_o.jpg
faizunaa17   
Nov 3, 2016
Writing Feedback / The freedom of dressing gives a different opinion among society. [2]

Today, fashion gives an impact to social culture.

... free expression will give an impact to ...

1) It not just one, because based on your essay, I see you mention more than one. So you'd better change into "many impacts"

As the result, almost a half of Facebook's workers are the members of company's ...

2) EMPHASIZE YOUR EXPLANATION. Your explanation is not strength enough to prove that freedom in clothes can boost facebook creativity. You can add some details like data *although it is fictive*, or some adjective that will strengthen your idea.

For instance :
As the result, almost half of Facebook's workers of creative department become more comfortable that shown by their increasing of thier working performance. It also can be prove that Facebook doing continuously improvement with adding many features that need by their users and make their profit and assets two times bigger than before, when the workers still use uniform which mean restrict their freedom.
faizunaa17   
Nov 3, 2016
Writing Feedback / There are some arguments that a dress style indicates the characteristics of someone. [2]

Some people say that the clothes people wear are the most important indication of what they are like. Others, however, say that people should not be judged by the clothes they wear. Discuss both of these views by the clothes they wear.

There are some arguments that say people dress style is indicate the characteristics of someone. In contrast, there also some opinions mention that we cannot judge the book from its cover. Based on my experience, it is ultimately true that fabric cannot become the indicators of what people are like, because it just physical appearance.

The main reason of my opinion, is because inner beauty more important than outer beauty, means that we can see the real personality of people from their heart. It is true that sometimes clothes show the people look like. Some girls Moslem show their faith to the god with their hair cover. But actually, is not true. It is proven by this kind of example, that nowadays hijab become one of fashion trends in Indonesia, and it makes many women that previously do not wear it. They compete each other for showing their beauty. Unfortunately, although they cover all of the body with hijab, their attitude still same with the previously like hedonism lifestyle, missing pray time, and others. In contrast, some men that have street performer appearance showed by their lot of tattoos, punk hairstyles, sometimes doing performance for charity purposes. They donate all of the money that they earned to many non-governmental organizations. These two examples prove that clothes are inappropriate indicators for showing the real people characteristics.

Besides that, clothes are just symbol and sometimes people lie with things that they wear. Taken example of that, in many retailers that owned by Chinese people, usually they have poor fashion style. Every day we often see that they like to wear only short and T-shirt, and look like it is already old. However, actually they are wealthy people. Otherwise, in many supermarkets that have many sales promotion girl, they use luxury clothes, high heels, and even "celebrity" hairstyle, but they actually get smaller salaries than the entrepreneur.

To sum up, it is totally wrong if person's fashion style placed as one of indication of what people like. This is because outer appearance is not as important as inner heart that show who the real men and women are.
faizunaa17   
Nov 3, 2016
Writing Feedback / The picture illustrates the flow of air leaks and heat loss in houses [5]

overall,Overall , the amount of air getting into houses is more than the amount ofthe quantity ofair out of houses. airAir leaking into ...

1. CAPITALIZE LETTER RULES ---> In the beginning you must use capital letter

2. REPETITION ISSUES ---> If you can't paraphrase it, especially in one sentence, please paraphrase it !

Overall Suggestion :
Your writing is only contain 152 words, which means that it so dangerous if the examiner strike some of your duplicate words. So, i think it is better you can explain more to make the word more than now, because if you don't fulfill the task response, your score will fall significantly.


Need Writing or Editing Help?
Fill out one of these forms:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳

Academic AI Writer:
Custom AI Writer ◳