Writing Feedback / [IELTS Writing Task 1] Australian and New Zealand children favourite activities in 2007 [4]

The presentation is more than acceptable. You totally represented every piece of information in the graph that showed how you analyzed the information for each country, sector, and representation. However, you need to be consistent with the way that you display the information. When the graph line does not fall on a specific number, always use uncertainty when representing the figure. A "guesstimate" is just that, a close approximation of the required information. You did that a few times, here and there, within the essay. What you need to do is be consistent in the presentation of such information. In certain instances, a show of uncertainty through the use of various descriptions can help with the cohesiveness and coherence score, as well as the GRA presentation of the essay. Overall, I believe you did a well enough job to not get a very low score on the test. Word of advice though, try to write at least 200 words for the essay to further help boost the GRA and LR scores in the final consideration.

Writing Feedback / ietlswritask2 It is better for college students to live in schools than live at home with parent [4]

Try to be a little more creative in presenting your paraphrase paragraph. Make sure you truly understand what the prompt is all about. While your presentation is alright, it could have been clearer and more detailed in presentation, which would have resulted in a higher TA score. For example, you could have written:

Students attending college often change their residences to dormitories or apartments. Some people believe that this is a good thing because the undergraduate student will learn to live independently, as opposed to if they continued to reside with their folks. Personally, I find myself to be in disagreement with this opinion.

Notice how I completely rephrased the original prompt and used various words to refer to keywords from the original prompt? These changes will ensure a higher TA score and increased chances of a higher LR and GRA score.

For the discussion itself, this type of essay will be made stronger if you discuss it in a manner that shows 2 schools of thought per paragraph. For example, I would discuss it this way:

According to those who believe students should live away from their parents during college, they should do so in order to become independent adults. I say that the term "adulting" was developed for a reason. Nobody just becomes an adult, these students can learn how to become responsible adults only with the guidance of their parents. It is the job of parents to teach them how to be good adults, how to handle money, what do do in case of certain instances, and other similar things that a college student on his own in a dormitory may not easily know to do on his own. Just because a person is grown up does not mean he no longer requires his parents guiding hand.

Then, there are some who say that... While that may be true, my belief is that...

The strongest possible discussion in an argumentative essay is always one that will take the contradicting opinion and then show the flaw in that reasoning. By discussing in that manner, the essay presentation will show that you have a good understanding of the topic in relation to coherence and cohesiveness, allow for a wider mix of sentences and punctuation uses (GRA), and allow you to use a variety of simple and complex English words (LR).

BTW, there are several grammatical errors in this essay but those are not as important to correct as it is to show you a better way to handle this discussion. Besides, the LR mistakes do not hamper the understanding of your writing so while you will not get a very high score in that section, you would not get too many points deductions for it either.

Scholarship / "I'll use every split second to improve myself" - Erasmus Mundus Joint Master's Program application [3]

You seem to be trying to cover all of the other required essays for the scholarship in your cover letter. Do not do that. Use the cover letter for its required purpose, to introduce you and your academic goals to the reviewer. Do not use the self-pity factor in reference to your university studies. That will not work. Just focus on explaining who you are, where your academic ambitions lie, and how you came to choose this scholarship to assist you in achieving your future goals in life. Keep it short, informative, and less than 500 words. Highlight the following from your current essay:

1. 4-years experience in teaching English and its relevance to the course you have chosen to study.
2. I have been always wondering ... translation of complicated sentences online. * This is your motivation for your studies. Expand on this discussion in one paragraph, no more than 5 sentences. Keep it short.

3. Discuss how the scholarship can help you with your future career goals. Summary form. Why did you choose this scholarship? Why this university and course?

The cover letter should not have more than 5 paragraphs, properly developed and presented as a summary of the above guidelines. These are the best suggestions that I can come up with for you at this point because your letter lacks information that would have been helpful in reviewing it. Information such as what university you hope to attend, what course, your current employment and why your masters course can help you advance your career. These are information that should be in the letter in a short form.

Research Papers / Cashew apple juice concentrate quality. OUTLINE OF PROPOSED RESEARCH TOPIC AND OBJECTIVES [3]

I believe that you should also indicate that you will be doing several drying process comparison tests to help determine if one process is truly better than the other. Or, if a combination of several production procedures will deliver the best outcome for the prolonged shelf - life test for the cashew apple. You mentioned something about transportation and storage of the item, but in the objectives, you did not include any reference to those. You should investigate those procedures as well because the shelf-life can also be affected by improper storage, handling, and delivery systems. However, I think that the inclusion of those topics could make your research more difficult. Perhaps it would be better to reword that part of the proposal by simply removing the reference so as to focus solely on the production aspect of the fruit juice.

Undergraduate / Essay on an important political issue concerning my community and my generation. -UT Austin prompt [3]

The essay is highly emotional and truly informative. However, your essay focuses too much on the general discussion rather than the personal discussion. Of course this issue is important to your community and your generation, but the discussion should not be collective in presentation. Each Muslim-American will have a different experience from you. So don't try to put all the experiences into one basket for discussion.

The information should focus not on the "we" and "us" but on the "I" if the matter. This essay should discuss more of how the issue affects you. Being an applicant to the university, the reviewer will be more interested in the how and why effects of the issue upon you. You can start the discussion on general terms, focus on you towards the middle of the essay, then revert to the general towards the conclusion. This essay should still use your experiences as the example of the effect of racial discrimination, its effects on you (morally, socially, spiritually), and how you overcome these obstacles so that you never lose sight of your personal hopes and dreams.

By the way, please use paragraph presentations. It's really hard to read the essay in its zero format presentation.

Graduate / Personal Statement for Human Rights and International Politics masters [2]

The development and your experience regarding human rights and its violations are not solid enough in this presentation to convince the reviewer that you actually have a clear foundation for your interests and that your practical experience has really helped create a personal educational standard that could have led to your desire to study this masters course. The justification should be coming mostly from your volunteer activities that place you in the center of the discussion and experience. So far, your experiences have been in controlled environments that offer you a shallow, rather than insightful, experience regarding human rights and its relevance to international politics.

Though there is no word limit indicated, you should follow the rule that no essay for an application process should be more than 500 words long. Try to create more focus for your personal statement. What personal experiences in relation to human rights might have you experienced? What activities did you have that indicated the importance of human rights in international politics? These are all excellent academic bases for your application, but for a masters course, the practical also needs to be focused on. Prior to the project in May, what other relevant experiences have you been directly involved in? As a teacher, how does the course come into play? Have you helped any students overcome human rights violations of any sort? Have you had to overcome these personally? Go deeper into the discussion, forget the basics, which is what your essay portrays more of. The basics are okay for the draft, but not for submission. Narrow down your discussion to the only relevant topic, which is your experience with human rights and its politics, as it affects you at the moment.

Scholarship / Motivation Letter for master in materials science [5]

The essay is too wordy. It needs to be more direct to the point. Focus only on the motivational aspects of the presentation and leave everything else to the statement of purpose. For this essay, the following paragraphs can be used to created a more pointed letter: 1 and 4. Try to write an additional paragraph that explains your choice of school based on specific academic goals and considerations that you had while choosing a university. That part of the motivational discussion is too blurred in your presentation. It doesn't focus on a specific university, course, curriculum, or post study plans in relation to your educational choices that can help the reviewer understand your more solid motivation for higher studies. Remember, this is the cover letter, keep it short. It's a summary, not an in-depth presentation.

Undergraduate / Computer Science - Undergraduate application Jacobs University [2]

This statement is too general in terms of references. You are not really giving the reviewer any information that he doesn't already know about the university since he works there. What you have to do is come up with personal reasons that motivate your interests to apply for admission to this university. Think of the following:

1. What are your academic goals? What academic and technical programs (research, development, internships, anything else similar) does the university specifically offer that you hope to participate in?

2. What special skills do you hope to develop at the university? How does that relate to your after study plans?

3. What sort of life-changing participation do you hope to have at the university that will prepare you for global employment? Pick one extra curricular activity that relates to your career plan to serve as your in-house training during your academic years.

Based on these guide questions, you should be able to come up with a more unique/original response to the general question that could help your response stand out in the mind of the reviewer.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 - the regularity of eating at fast food places among people in the USA (2003-2013) [5]

There should only be one trending statement in the report. Your opening summary contains two trending statements. You should only pick one measurement to present at the end of the paragraph. In addition to that, you should have included a summary of the groups being measured. You could have said:

The bar graph contains a listing of the fastfood eating habits of Americans. The measurement covers the specific years of 2003, 2006, and 2013. The indicators used were the convenience meal frequency on a daily, weekly, monthly, and yearly basis. Percentages were used to indicate the number of people surveyed. It appears that the there was an equal percentage of citizens who ate food on the go once a week and once or twice a month.

Try to use a more consistent figure presentation. I do not advise using fractional presentations in a report that has a chart which clearly uses percentage figures. While some will say that changing the presentation of the numbers will show a wide vocabulary, they fail to consider that Task 1 is all about summary accuracy and English comprehension skills. Which is why only the actual data provided should be indicated in the summary. You have to show that you understand exactly what the report says and that you can rephrase everything in a manner that will remain clear to a reader who will most likely not have a copy of the image to compare your report to.

Graduate / Master in Translational Cosmetics and Dermatological Sciences Motivational Letter [5]

This not a motivational letter. This is a biography that does not reflect the prompt requirements. Perhaps the instructions for writing the motivational letter were not clear to you. So let me spell it out for you. This letter should contain the following information:

Par. 1 - What course you want to study. Introduce the foundation of your interest. Do not go back to high school. Use your current professional requirements to present this information.

Par. 2 - What is the next step in your career? Why will completing this course help you to prepare for that step? Why are the classes you will be taking relevant to your career advancement?

Par. 3 How is your current work experience relevant to the course you plan to complete? Why do you think that your current work experience have prepared you for this course? Since you seem to be coming from a totally different career, how can you justify your ability to complete the masters course requirements?

Par. 4 - What is the motivation / reason that you chose this university? State your academic requirements that the university can help you address. What do you hope to contribute to the learning process that can help other students based on your related work experience?

Par. 5 - Concluding statement.

The essay can be completed in 4-5 paragraphs. You just need to make sure that you present relevant information throughout to support a strong motivation on your part to complete this masters course.

Writing Feedback / The table gives information about the employment sectors in which people from 3 age groups worked [5]

Your essay is highly confusing to read because you do not regularly and accurately use all of the information that is provided in the table chart. The summary paragraph is incomplete. It does not completely relate the topic, type of information presented, and classification groups listed. The trending sentence could have been better structured but is good enough since it clearly indicates the trend from the image. The last 2 paragraphs are the most confusing to understand. You need to learn to review your essay for clarity and complete information. If there are numbers in the image, it better be clearly in your summary report. It should also be properly structured in sentence form for easy understanding of the reader. Lack of proper information presentation will affect the overall score for this essay as the reader will find this difficult to understand, hence the lower scoring considerations overall.

Scholarship / The Promotion - a situation when it was important for you to work with someone you didn't know. [4]

Don't make it appear like you were assigned to a professor who was an idiot when it came to your research. That is what comes across in this essay. You imply that the person assigned to you was useless and could not do anything to help you and instead, you had to educate the person. This will not be an acceptable stance to the reviewer. Instead, present the true situation based on the following:

1. The results of your initial meeting with the adviser;
2. Situations when you had to meet the adviser halfway due to disagreements;
3. The end result of the relationship you had with the adviser in relation to your graduation needs.

The portions about how your "help" resulted in the promotion of the professor is not relevant to the presentation. Focus on the relationship building between the two of you. Do not make yourself out to be the hero of the story. This is an equal billing essay. Your ability to work with your superior and how you accomplished that is the focus of the presentation. Not your heroism and ability to be patient with an adviser not familiar with your course.

Essays / Types of Clothes (classification essay) [4]

Yes, clothes can be classified into the 3 types that you wrote about. You can further expand the classification of clothes using the types of material used, based on the purpose for the clothes creation. For example, sports clothes can be made of cotton or spandex, in some cases polyester is also used. Casual clothes need to be divided into sub - topics covering bottoms (pants, shorts, etc.) and tops (shirts, blouses, crop tops, etc). Elegant clothes are further subdivided into gowns, office wear, semi-formal, etc. Your topics cover only the general classification. A well-researched presentation should include sub topics to further explain the classification methods.

Writing Feedback / [IELTS Writing Task 2] Which is the main environmental problem? [2]

The paraphrased introduction is incorrect. There are two points of view prior to your personal opinion to be discussed. Your presentation totally omits informing the reader of the proper discussion requirements based on the original information in the paraphrase. Therefore, your TA will have point deductions for only being partially applicable in its understanding and presentation of the discussion instructions.

Your discussion paragraphs do not differentiate between POV 1, POV 2, and your personal point of view. The discussion paragraphs makes it appear that you are presenting a personal opinion overall. Topic sentences that represent each point of view at the start will help resolve that error.

The essay does not have a proper concluding summary either. You cannot discuss a personal opinion in closing as that is supposed to be one of the 3 discussion paragraphs of the required 5 paragraph presentation. The 5th paragraph is the concluding summary.

Letters / Institute of Chartered Accountants - Reference letter - Chevening [2]

Delete the bragging phrase in the first sentence, the one about "Fellow Member of Institute of Chartered Accountants of XXX and Six Sigma (Black Belt)". There is no sense in bragging to the Chevening reviewer who could care less about these unimpressive data from the referrer. Now, if he were a former Chevening scholar, then that would need to be mentioned in the recommendation letter.

The letter reeks of hearsay rather than actual observation of your work skills, which makes his statement about you having worked directly under him void. An excellent work performance that led to your becoming a regular employee also doesn't make any impression at all. There is nothing remarkable about your career past or present in this presentation.

The letter is weak an unimpressive. It does not speak of any truly admirable worth ethic, work accomplishment, or contribution that would make you a strong candidate for the scholarship. You are up against some of the most remarkable and memorable international candidates. You need to make sure that your recommendation letter is written by someone whose recommendation will make you as strong a contender as the other applicants.

Graduate / Personal Statement Masters in Data Science / Finance Major [4]

This personal statement is supposed to be only a single page long, regardless of double or single spacing. The letter should not be more than 500 words long with 350-450 being the best word target for all application forms.

I believe that the problem with the personal statement is that you wrote it more like an "academic in relation to career choices" biography instead of as the foundational interest statement that it should have represented. The personal statement for a masters course needs to show how your career has begun to require you to acquire more advanced knowledge in an emerging or related field in order to stay ahead of the game. That means you have to explain how your interests as a trader will be helped by increasing your data science skills.

The personal statement needs to show the development of that interest. It has to be based on personal and / or professional reasons, not because you were influenced by a confusion that you had in the past. Nor does being lost regarding career choices make for a valid reason to choose a particular masters course. You need to show that you have a personal motivation for wanting to advance your skills in this area. More importantly, you need to add a self reflection regarding your academic goals as it relates to the masters course.

The self-reflection should be the basis for the discussion regarding why you chose to apply for admission to a specific university. Overall, the essay is misdirected. It doesn't properly apply itself to the requirements of a personal statement. You need to revise the essay using the suggestions that I have made. Using the guidelines, you should be able to write a proper personal statement within the page requirement / word count.

By the way, don't delete this essay, It can be reworked and reworded into an effective statement of purpose when required.

Book Reports / English Essay on Human Experiences (Merchant of Venice) [2]

The first sentence of the opening paragraph needs to be revised. The sentence structure is incorrect. By rewriting that sentence, you should be able to make your explanation clearer. Right now, there seems to be a subject or explanation missing somewhere in the middle of the presentation.

The explanations that you present seem to be simply strung together, lacking in substance and explanation. Only the superficial analysis of the text exists in your presentation. Shakespeare requires a more analytical, in-depth, and personal understanding to create a more effective explanation of your understanding of the text. For a more effective use of quotes from the play, try to present the complete section in block form. The format will be:

- Topic sentence
- Block quote
- Explanation

If you fix the presentation of your explanations, you will be allowing yourself more space to further explore the meaning of the text and how the core text better represents the individual and collective experiences.

Research Papers / Peer review needed - Research title "The Role of Developmental Psychology on Children's Personality" [2]

I am not clear on what the thesis statement of this research is. I know it has to do with child psychology and development but there is no clear thesis statement posed in the first paragraph that could clearly indicate what the purpose of the research is. It has a pretty solid introduction of the topic, but it lacks a focus on the motivation for the study, the goal / objective of the study, and/or what question the research will clearly respond do and in what manner. You just need to clarify the first part to be able to clearly deliver a targeted discussion topic within your research. The introduction to the subject is clear and duly supported with researched information. However, the importance of the topic, in relation to a specific question, is clearly lacking in representation. Is child development the issue, or is it mental well-being? Those are two separate, but related topics. Which is the main topic and which is the sub-topic? You may want to clarify that part before looking at the other points for improvement as you may need to revise some sections of your essay to better present the thesis statement (motivation, goals, objectives, research style, etc. )

Writing Feedback / Adult education - bar chart and pie chart for ielts writing [3]

Unfortunately, you did not paraphrase enough information from the original presentation. There are still too many cut and paste phrases in your overall presentation that will indicate that you cannot write a report beyond memorized phrases and presentations. As such, this essay is not in the running for a passing score. Even though you wrote 198 words, which is well over the minimum word requirement, if there is no clear analysis of the given data, proper reporting of the facts indicated, and an original presentation of information based on your understanding of the given data, then the essay will not score well based on the overall rubic. You need to learn to discuss and expand upon the given information. Don't just repeat the information, show that you understand the information. Be imaginative in the presentation, without exaggerating the facts.

Writing Feedback / Ielts essay on land availability in countryside [5]

There are several factors that make this an incorrect approach to the essay prompt. To give you a run down, the main errors are:

- A lack of proper introduction summary in the opening paragraph
- Little developed reasoning per paragraph
- Improper concluding paragraph

The first paragraph is not where you begin the discussion. The first paragraph is where you paraphrase the prompt in order to highlight your ability to not only follow instructions in English, but also that you are able to explain yourself clearly using English as a second language. This is where the TA score is considered. The paraphrase should only contain, based on the original prompt information:

- The topic for discussion
- Reasons for discussion
- Thesis statement

Your body of paragraphs would be better served to use a topic sentence as the opening sentence for the evidence. Then allow yourself to fully explain that topic within the next 4 sentences then move one to the second paragraph, with a new topic sentence developed the same way. This will allow you focus on scoring better in the C&C and GRA sections of the rubic.

The concluding paragraph is a reverse of the introductory statement. This time, you present the following information:
- Topic for discussion (paraphrased from the original and your introductory version)
- 2 paraphrased topic sentences (without detailed explanation) to summarize your personal reasons for supporting a side of the discussion
- Closing sentence to lock down the discussion.

Scholarship / How will you use your new skills and knowledge to contribute to the development of your home country [4]

There are several topics that your response has to address. It has to show how your skills and knowledge will assist you in participating in your country's food development program based on:

- Your improvement ideas for your personal food processing business (cashews)
- Your ability to apply what you learned once you are accepted as a part time researcher at NSPRI with a focus on your possible research topic in relation to the program

- Using the combined knowledge and skills (studies, personal application, research and networking) to create the foundation.

You have to create a comprehensive response that shows a well thought out after study plan that will also support your goals of study and future application. Right now, you have a good draft. It needs more information or a total revision to better represent your potential as a future leader in this field upon your return to Nigeria.

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 1 - comparing three types of food prices [8]

Try to vary your sentence presentation by adding time measurement references. For example, instead of simply saying "from 1979-2009", one could instead say "representing 3 decades from 1979 up to 2009". Adding a little complexity to the sentence and showing a competency in using more advanced English language (in reference to time frames) can easily boost your LR and GRA scores. There is also an incomplete thought presentation in the trending statement of the first paragraph. What was remarkable about the figures presented? 65 what? Value representations are important to your TA and GRA scores. Oversights such as those could adversely affect your TA score in the actual setting. Please post the instruction discussions for your essay next time. It is difficult to give you a full review of your work without it.

Writing Feedback / The amount of China and India's population from 2000 until now and the predicted number up to 2050 [3]

There is an error in your topic summary. The information provided covers the year 2000 up to 2050. That means, the graph covers half a century of information. The more accurate explanation for your overview would have been:

A line graph comparison for the population growth of China and India has been presented. The information covers half a century time span beginning in the year 2000, ending in the year 2050. China is represented by the pink line graph and India, by the purple graph. The information was sourced from the UN population Division covering the medium variant for population growth based on the billions growth measurement. The trend based on the graph indicates that India will have a continuously growing population over the aforementioned time frame while China will experience a population decrease over the same period.

The first thing you should remember is that all of the information in the chart is there for a reason. It is there for the complete information of the reader. Therefore the summary must indicate the following:

- The topic
- The comparison points
- Measurement points
- Source of information
- Trending measurement (Optional and may be located within any paragraph in the report summary)

Do this effectively in the first paragraph and you will be sure to score the highest possible TA marks in the test. While your presentation is acceptable, you need to have a keener eye for information. Look for possible information that is not as obvious at first glance. For instance, the overlapping of information that shows how India and China will have an equal number of population count, 1400 billion by the year 2030. While your presentation for that year is acceptable, the overlapping information would have shown that you really took the time to study and observe the graph.

There are no right or wrong approaches to writing the Task 1 essay. There are only more improved versions of writing it so don't worry. As long as you meet all the scoring requirements, you should be fine. Unless of course you write less than the minimum word count in which case, you may not pass the test.

Research Papers / Solitary Confinement Essay [2]

This presentation is trying to cover too much information regarding solitary confinement. There is no clearly presented motivation for the research, as in a definitive topic that you hope to discuss and resolve by the end of your research. The presentation seems more like you are trying to throw noodles at a wall and trying to see what sticks. Try to better this presentation by outlining your ideas first and then creating the sub-topics for discussion. Start with your thesis statement, then work on the reasons, then work on the evidences. Focus on only one clear thesis statement then make sure that all of your information just moves within that related space. This current presentation is a cross between a research proposal and an actual research paper. Concentrate on the proposal first. Use only proposal related information to back up your proposed research, but don't try to complete the research all within this presentation.

Undergraduate / What does diversity mean to you and why do you think society needs diversity? No more than 250 words [2]

Your essay clocks in at the 306 word mark. It is over the 250 word limit. You will need to adjust the overall content of your essay to meet the word count. That means, you might have to revise more than half the essay to meet the requirement. Consider writing a fresh essay to avoid the problem of having to fit your ideas into the current presentation. It will be easier to meet the word count and still keep the meaning of your explanation that way. To better assist you with your revision, let me offer you a suggestion regarding what topic to write about. Use the Theory of Light Wave Particle Duality instead of your Russian to American story. The latter story better describes a form of diversity that the reviewer will appreciate. Most specially if it somehow relates to your chosen major. It shows a diverse way of thinking and an understanding of how diversity can be applied in other situations and settings. By reducing the content of the essay, you may just meet or fall under the word count. It is better to be under than over the word count at all times.

Writing Feedback / Australia and France comparison in terms of electricity production by different fuel resources [4]

You have not given much thought to the analysis of the given information. These are all under developed paragraph presentations. You have not met the long and short sentence requirement of the essay. You have only written run-on sentences, which resulted in questionable, rather than clear, analytical presentations of the information from the image. You must always write at least 3 sentences per paragraph. Maximum of 5 sentences per paragraph. With only 180 words written, you still had the opportunity to further analyze and report on the given information. In other words, your report summary could have been better presented. Try to write at least 200 words next time to help increase your overall score. It isn't enough that you can present the data directly to the reader, you need to be able to better explain the information and expand on it where required as well.

Graduate / SOP (Study Plan and Goal) - GKS Scholarship in Computer Engineering [2]

The goal of study and study plan must be based on a thesis like presentation of a problem you hope to solve in your home country in relation to a Korean model. In this case, it would be a study plan of how Korea manages its traffic schemes and builds its roads to alleviate the traffic gridlock in the cities and provinces of the country. Address a problem with traffic in your home country that you feel has been successfully addressed by Korea (study plan). Then explain how your planned research can be applied to your own country (Goal of Study). Make sure to indicate how the university can help you with your research and how you plan to complete the research. This is a project proposal, not an explanation of what you hope to learn about in Korea.

Scholarship / Skills and knowledge I hope to gain and how these skills are important to my country's development [3]

Please refrain from placing important data in parenthesis. Also, avoid using "etc" in this essay. These 2 practices remove the academic tone of your presentation and makes it feel like you are submitting a draft to the reviewer. Always use complete sentence and paragraph presentations, duly reviewed and edited for content. In addition to these corrections, you may wish to consider shortening the last paragraph of this essay in relation to how the course you have chosen is relevant to your home country. You can actually create a more impressive essay if you reposition the paragraphs in your presentation. If I wrote this essay, I would shorten the last paragraph and then use that as the first paragraph of the essay since it responds clearly to a given prompt. Then, for the second paragraph, I would use the current first paragraph, also proof read for final presentation. Only after directly responding to the 2 prompt would I give the supporting explanation in relation to my business and how the challenges of my business have prepared me to undertake studies in this course. That would make for a very strong closing statement, specially if you can use it to come full circle in the discussion based on the prompt requirements.

Writing Feedback / Animal products no longer needed? [4]

There is a great possibility that you could get an over 6 score for this type of writing. Your thought process is clear, your explanations are supported by reasonable examples, and you present a validity to every argument you make. The problem though, is that you were not asked to discuss a personal opinion and you did that as the last paragraph of your essay. That means, your essay does not have a proper summary conclusion and as such, ended as an open essay rather than a closed essay.

You also wrote the essay without the use of a timer. Which means that you took your time in writing 357 words. The safest word count for this essay section is from 250-300 words to allow for editing after the draft writing. Next time, use a timer so you can get an accurate time measurement of how well you write, and if you can close the essay properly, within the allotted time.

There are grammar issues in your essay that, although noticeable to an examiner, did not affect the understanding of the presentation so you will score less in the LR and GRA section, but still within the 6 bracket. There is, specifically, a problem in your understanding of the subject - verb agreement rules when you are writing your sentences.

Writing Feedback / Export earnings 2015-2016. IELTS writing task 1 [3]

A better approach to this summary report would have been to use the percentage values as the topic statement for each paragraph. That way, you could have written a more comprehensive comparative report within only 2 paragraphs that always included all of the required information. It would have shown a keener eye for detail and allowed you to create a more appropriate mix of long and short sentences as required by the GRA bracket. Your LR score needs improving as you could not use other similar words to the keywords provided in the graph. Being able to use synonyms will help increase your GRA scores as well. You have spelling errors as well. You used the ownership form of a word when you should have used the plural form (product's (ownership) - products (plural)). You also misused nouns where pronouns were required (ones=one's) and you failed to use a punctuation mark to separate sentences. There are several other correction points in this essay but I feel that it would be too overwhelming for you to hear about at this point. Let's start correcting the simple problems first.

Scholarship / Essay on Presidential LEEP scholarship at Clark University [2]

This essay told me a lot more about the development of your interest in baking. It also introduced me to your relationship with your grandparents. While I applaud the focus on their influence in your life, their story did not help present a clear picture of how your interest in medicine developed. By the way, receiving a medical kit toy at the age of 7 does not make you decide right there and then that you will be a doctor. Pre-med is a difficult career choice to make and should never be based on a 7 year old's enjoyment of playtime. If you want to convince the reviewer, then focus on your relationship with your grandfather from the moment he began to battle Parkinson's. That is more of a life altering moment. It is a more relevant exposure to a situation that could help you to make the decision to enroll in pre-med. It gives the response a clear direction and focal point / motivation for your decision. Revise the essay to reflect that instance in your life instead. Forget about the baking and other imaginative examples that only muddle the presentation. Just talk about your interest in curing Parkinson's based on a personal experience. That is what the prompt is asking for anyway.

Scholarship / Application to study at a Korean university. Personal statement- Arts management. GKS-KGSP 2020 [3]

There is an overall weakness in the essay because of your lack of true interest in Korea and the GKS program. There is no connecting factor that could indicate to the reviewer that you have a true familiarity with Korea in terms of its culture, specifically in relation to the development of its musical field. You have to prove that you have a true affinity for all things Korean in this essay. That includes any activities that relate to your learning about Korean heritage and its relevance in today's world. Your story must speak of the development of that interest, not merely on a researched basis or a recent revelation that you have come to understand. The motivation by which you apply to the program is also problematic because you spent all your time speaking of the development of your love for music from childhood instead of explaining how your love for music has given you a specific motivation that somehow relates to anything Korean. There is also no evidence of your ability to create some sort of relevant research in the field or an interest in researching a specific topic in relation to your interest in music or Korean music.

Graduate / MMS:Asset Mamagement at YALE [2]

The actual goal of your interest in enrolling in this course is to become a financial adviser. Therefore, all of your career plans, potential movements, and goals should be aimed towards achieving that ultimate position in your profession. You should reverse the content of the essay to indicate the financial advisor position first, then work your way back in your discussion regarding how you plan to achieve that goal. That way, the relationship between the ultimate and penultimate goals will be clearer and more logical to understand when the reviewer reads your response. It should be as follows:

1. Ultimate goal
2. Explanation of why you have chosen this goal
3. Penultimate goals that will help you achieve the ultimate goal
4. A concluding paragraph that reiterates the relationship between the two connected goals.

Graduate / To be an asset to the program. SOP for MS in Biomedical Regulatory Affairs [2]

Omit the part about your marriage. That is irrelevant to the reviewer and does not prove anything with regards to your professional experience in relation to your chosen masters course. The essay, being a statement of purpose needs to show that you are thinking about a potential career path after graduation, you don't have that clearly spelled out at the moment. Neither are the reasons as to why you have chosen a particular university. Why this university in particular? What makes you think the university can help you achieve your educational goals in relation to a future career? Think deeper about the actual "purpose" of your application. Then write a new essay that better responds to the following questions:

1. How do I intend to rejoin the workforce after completing this course?
2. How will completing this course be beneficial to my future career goals?
3.. What are my future career goals that this course will help address?
4. What part of my work experience proves I have what it takes to complete the research requirements of this course?

There are several other questions that need to be answered but it is highly likely that I don't have to list it down. Just write a new essay based on these basic questions and the rest of the questions should be answered accordingly, whether you know it or not.

Scholarship / Love for ships. Personal Statement for Global Korea Scholarship (GKS) - 2020 [2]

Your overall essay is weak. There is a motivation for the course you want to study but absolutely no solid reason as to why you would want to study in Korea. There is a lack of development in terms of your educational background in relation to Korea and your work relationship with Korea. As such, this essay will not be impressive and will most likely not place you in strong consideration as a candidate. What can you do to help improve this essay?

1. Remove the quote from Einstein at the beginning. It is never good to use someone else's words to explain what you want to say. Your own paragraph, without the quote was good enough.

2. Remove the reference to falling in love with ships as a child. That is irrelevant. As a highly educated person, it is expected that you will have the equivalent of professional experience to present in the discussion. Instead, build up the paragraph about how intrigued you are regarding the ability of Korea to build ships.

The research background is acceptable, but the lack of Korean influence in your studies and professional life worry me. Those are the most important factors considered in this scholarship and you are falling very short of those requirements.

Undergraduate / NTU - Skin problems / Describe a person who has had an influence on you. [2]

Is there a character limitation on your statement? If so, you should lessen the description of your skin problems and focus on the mental, emotional, and physical changes that transpired when the dermatologist began curing you. You don't have to say that this person changed your life. That is understood since his work on curing your skin condition is the focal point of the essay. Don't point out the obvious, wasting valuable character or word count in the process. The response is good enough, but it could still be better if you can do a simple compare and contrast of your before and after attitude with regards to your skin condition.

Scholarship / Erasmus Mundus Scholarship Master degree - Social work with Families and Children [3]

The essay needs to build up the explanation as to how the course Children and Families in Adverse Life Situations perfectly blends into the Concept of Family and Gender Policy of your country. You did not really outline how completing the course would be beneficial to your career. Sure you implied it, but that isn't enough. You need to fully explain how completing the course not only fits into the government program, but also how it can help advance your career in the future. In order to do this, you will need to shorten the content of the second paragraph since that background needs to be a mere mention only. It is not the focal point of the cover letter so it should be short but sweet. Other than that, the cover letter works fine for the purpose of your application.

Scholarship / KGSP Scholarship 2020 Personal Statement International Relations [2]

This is already a tremendously strong essay that definitely has the potential to move you up the GKS consideration list. If you wish to further strengthen this essay though, you must consider explaining your reasons for choosing this university in relation to your academic objectives. What specific education objectives and goals does the university address through its curriculum? Show the reviewer, no give the reviewer, a sense that you have had your eye on enrolling in this university every since you spent 3 months studying the Korean language. Set out to impress the reviewer. The GKS and educational connection is strong in your case, you just need to further highlight the university choice to help increase the academic consideration factor for your essay.

Writing Feedback / Some people believe mental strength is more important for success in sports while others think... [5]

Ignoring the grammatical errors, you almost had a well developed essay presented. Your public point of view discussion was sound and even used an example to further highlight the validity of the point of view. However, the mistake there was choosing an athlete who isn't internationally known. Next time, aim for a generic example or a more popular example that the examiner might be able to recognize to help boost your score.

The main problem with the essay came when you presented your personal point of view. It became choppy, little developed, and presented in a confusing manner. It is within the personal point of view presentation that you need to be careful. You need to make sure that you are clearly understood in that paragraph. Your presentation left a lot to be desired. Unfortunately, that will have a major effect on your score, specially since you left the essay with an open ended, rather than concluded, final paragraph.

You also should aim to write only between 250-300 words in this essay so that you will have time to review and revise your essay. You can also use the extra time to double check your vocabulary usage, which is also problematic in this presentation.

Graduate / SOP FOR MPH in Boston (HEALTH POLICY AND MANAGEMENT) [3]

A statement of purpose is hugely different from a personal statement. Students tend to mix-up the two. This is a very impressive personal statement. It cannot be used completely as a statement of purpose. However, there are sections that you can use to help you develop a new essay. One more focused on the purpose aspect of the discussion. Those sections are as follows:

- To find a lasting solution that would revitalize ...My life's goal is to work towards a healthcare system where the only life that would be lost is one that never was'

- I can make policies ...unreached communities like mine.
- This is why I am applying t... to tackle these challenges.

These chosen sections represent the following:
- Your purpose
- Your objectives
- Why you chose a university

What is missing is your representation of your experience in the field of Public Health based on your current or previous work experience. You need a new essay that will help you shed light on the topics I am asking you to concentrate on.