Essays / How to start an admission essay about myself? [67]

Well.... yes, you can certainly start with a more interesting hook. However, your name is so much connected to introducing yourself and that may be the reason why lots of people do that :)

This is how Charles Dickens began his autobiography;
"To begin my life with the beginning of my life I was born on a Friday at twelve o'clock at night. The clock began to strike and I began to cry simultaneously" :D

Scholarship / I felt special knowing sign languge; Why this university, major &how scholarship will help [2]


This is not very clear.... do you mean that it was a special feeling to know sign language? I think it is good if you improve this sentence.

The weekly lessons from Ms. Knight were sometimes a great eye opening, forbecause with each vocabulary word learned, a gasp and a "Ohhhh, so THAT'S what he was trying to tell me!" accompanied it.

Your sentences do not clear your ideas in a clear manner. You need to work on that!

Writing Feedback / More reliance on technology reduces human thinking ability [2]


You assume that your reader knows the statement. If this is an essay task, the generally accepted norm is to introduce the statement or the topic to the reader first. Then you express your position on the issue.


Technology is used in every aspect of life.


Let us consider how we commute to places on daily basis.


This sounds more like speech writing. Is this for a speech?

Writing Feedback / ielts task2-it is beneficial to enlighten young people to be good parents in school. [7]


I agree with dumi. Your sentences lack clarity. You need to present your idea more clearly to the reader. Concentrate on what you really want to tell and construct a simple sentence with more familiar vocabulary. Also, you need to pay attention to the overall structure of the essay. Your body paragraphs should contain reasons that can justify your position in the argument and those reasons need to be backed by specific examples. I do not find such examples in your body paragraphs.

Writing Feedback / Better to be underrated by people or to be overrated by them? [4]


... I wish if you changed the organization of this idea;
It is a very common occurrence that many selectors or assessors would underrate the potential and capabilities of candidates for jobs or university admission.


... this is not a strong example. You better provide a stronger and a more specific example. Tell something like someone was denied admission by a particular university, but performed excellent in his field of study somewhere else.(this is just an example, may be you have better examples)

Scholarship / Advice for Motivational Letter Scolarship [2]


With this letter I would like to express my strong interest in participating at the abc programme in the summer of 2014.


Based on my academic credentials, work experience and skills, I believe that I am a suitable candidate for this programme.
Since I am studying mechanical engineering with the specialization onin aerospace engineering, I believe I willcan fit very well inwith the offered research project.Since an early age I taketook a great interest in airplanes and technology.

Writing Feedback / IELTS essay - Work at home - benefits workers and NOT employers - agree/disagree ? [3]


change has brought / changes have brought


impact on people


Good introduction - Contain all necessary features for this task.


First, form the employees' perspective, working from home is definitely a bonus.


... wrong grammar;
can be maintained
You write well, but you need to pay more attention to grammar!

Graduate / Three traits crucial to being a successful speech-language pathologist [2]


There are many important skills that are crucial for one to become an effective speech-language pathologist.


Out of them, sound interpersonal skills, empathy, and problem solving skills are the three most important skills that a speech-language pathologist should possess.


Looks incomplete :(

Writing Feedback / Rich countries should not give jobs to skilled workers of Poor Countries-Agree or Disagree [5]


I certainly agree that rich countries should not encourage skilled migration by providing employment opportunities to the skilled workers in poor countries. ... I tried to align it more with the prompt.

Firstly, students fromofbackwarddeveloping countries graduate utilizing the scholarships and resources of their own country.


However, after completing education, such students would not hesitate to grab the employment opportunities in developed countries in view of enjoying a quality life.


... don't use ampersands in essays. Write the word.
Also, spend a little more time on your example to elaborate on it a little bit more because that is the part you use to convince the reader about your justification. You can have the reason shorter.

You write really well and there's no need for you to worry about this task. What you've written is enough to get a very good score :)

Writing Feedback / "pen and paper" examinations and your view. [3]

What is the purpose of this essay? Are you preparing for IELTS or TOEFL? Always tell the purpose of your writing and include the prompt in your essay. Without knowing them we cannot provide you meaningful feedback.

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 2 topic:Why are young people leaving their homes from rural areas to study or [7]


Well... it is generally stay the same - Intro, 2 Body paras and Conclusion.
However, you need to present it to suite what the prompt suggests. Do one such essay and post it here. We will try to do it together :D

@dy0693 - I think you have very good writing skills. It is just that you need to align your writing more with the task specific requirements. I like if your examples (the ones that you use to support your reasoning) be more specific.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: men/women 'oriented' studies - equal numbers of male and female students [4]

Yes, raj is absolutely right! .... word count is very important for you to go for a good band. Follow that structure and you'll easily meet this requirement.


.... As per the structure, this line should have been the last sentence of your introduction.


This is the reason why you hold that opinion. So start the body paragraph with this reason. I find some grammar errors in this sentence.Pay attention to your grammar too;

all people have - "people" is a plural word , the you need to replace the words "every" and "has" with "all" and "have". Or else you can say like this;

every man has

Undergraduate / Interact Club - to share ideas with like-minded people who like me, are interested in helping others [3]


At the club meetings, I get to share my ideas with like- minded members who share the same passion of helping others like me.


I grew as a person through my experiences with the club; I learned the importance of being unselfish, dedicated and caring.
I feel you need to organize your ideas more. They seem to be scattered here and there. There's lots of repetition of ideas too. :(

Writing Feedback / Rich countries should not give jobs to skilled workers of Poor Countries-Agree or Disagree [5]


... Impressive hook, this is what it should be :D


....They become "migrants" once they are given PR by rich countries ....:D
Some people argue that rich countries should not promote skill migration by providing attractive employment opportunities to the skilled professionals of poor countries. They argue that such skill migration would prevent the professionals from making their share of contribution to the development of their motherlands.


.... align this statement more with your prompt. Do you agree that rich countries should not give jobs to skilled workers? ... This is the question you need to answer by this line, and do it more direct.

As I always mention, you write really well and you would not have any issue with this task. :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS;"Responsible Tourist" - Agree or Disagree type essay [5]


You should be more specific about who this responsible tourist. Introduce him, otherwise reader would wonder who that guy is.


... this sentence contains too much verbosity. Do not complicate sentences with too many words unnecessarily. Tell things simple and straight. Also, this is not actually your prompt speaks about. It says;


... It defines who the responsible tourist and say some people view that it is impossible to be a responsible tourist. It is something different to what you said above. This topic revolves around the responsible citizen. Always stay with the prompt.

Writing Feedback / People need fight against unfairness of authorities decision and protect themselves from its results [5]

What is the purpose of this essay? TOELF? IELTS? It's good to know why you wrote this to base our comments on more task specific requirements :D

Any way, let's have a look at your introduction;


This is not bad, but you should have introduced the topic in more details. It is always good if you have a hook statement, which is the opening sentence that comes with a punch to grab the reader's attention. Here you do not have a hook. It can something like;

Authorities reserve the power of decision making to themselves. ... remember, your hook should not only be interesting, it should be relevant to your topic too :)

Writing Feedback / Interest in subject , gain qualification - the result of a survey of adult education [4]


Well, this task is aimed at assessing your report writing skills. So, you need to be more formal in your writing style here. Adopt a more official tone which explains the details of the graphical presentation in a concise and illustrative manner. Your tone should not sound personal as you've done above. This is the structure I suggest for you to follow for this task;

1. Introduction
2. Overview - discuss the major trends very briefly
3. Details

Writing Feedback / IELTS; Disparities in earnings of different professionals [5]

dumi has suggested you a good structure to construct your introduction. You can re-write the intro by following her instructions and post it here for us to provide you our comments.

Writing Feedback / Music is the face of the country - IELTS band. [4]

I too strongly advise you to follow dumi's structure. Your essay needs improvement in its structure very badly.


.... This sentence disturbs your flow of ideas. You need to arrange them in a more logical order.


Music is a special type of art. Today, we find various types of music.
Avoid sentences that do not contribute to your topic directly. They tend to distract the reader's attention.
Different types of music genres are like different type of clothes suitable for different occasions.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL topic: which one do you prefer? studying alone or studying with a teacher. [5]


... wrong grammar :(
I would personally prefer to study under a teacher's guidance rather than studying alone for two main reasons.


This body paragraph seems to be too lengthy and I am sure it would not be going to help you at the exam. What you should have done was, tell the reason in the first sentence and then give one specific example to support that. Remember, time is a very important factor in this task. If you run out of time to complete your essay, then it'll affect your overall score.

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 2 topic:Why are young people leaving their homes from rural areas to study or [7]

Recent decades have witnessed an obvious trend that young people leave their homesfromin the rural areas and migrate to the cities for the purpose of finding opportunities for studying and working.


.... I like if you introduce a slight change here;
It is the availability of abundance resources and opportunities in the cities that attract these young people. In my opinion, the positive influences of this development outweigh the negatives.

You write very well.... Hope you were able to manage time too. If not, restrict the number of body paras to two.

Writing Feedback / Television teaches violence - my paragraph about television. [5]


Nowadays, there are many movies shown on television that contain brutal violent scenes including shooting, assassinations, mass killing etc.


These movies can negatively affect the young minds of children.


For instance,children have a natural tendency to follow the actions of adults and these violent actions may provoke them to act violently.

Writing Feedback / IELTS essay - Is the re introduction of criminals in societies is justified? [3]


"To err is human, to forgive, divine" ... play attention to the punctuation changes I made. Very good beginning and you've quoted a great idiom :)


... actually your prompt is not one that throws an argument and ask you to agree or disagree. It states an idea and ask your opinion about it. So, this section needs a little bit of change in its presentation;

In many countries, the criminals are set free once they serve their respective terms of imprisonment. However, some people have concerns as to whether re-introduction of criminals in societies is justifiable.

Writing Feedback / LEAVING YOUR COUNTRY TO LIVE OR STUDY ABROAD: ADVANTAGES AND DISADVANTAGES [3]


"overseas" is the right word.
Migrating to more developed countries is a good opportunity for an individual to prosper in life with a better education and great job opportunities.


However, migration to a foreign land is also associated with many problems too.


.... better mention about the language barriers too. It is the biggest challenge that many migrants are faced with as they migrate to a new country.

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] university dormitories or apartments in the community? [5]


.... What is your choice? That is what the reader would want to know. Always have your position on the argument in the introduction and ideally, it should be the last sentence of your introduction.


... this has grammar issues;
First, there are not many strict rules that students need to be abide with when they live in apartments compared to living in a dormitory.

You give about three reasons to justify the benefits of living in an apartment. However, you do not provide any specific examples to support your reasons. It is a must for this task for you to earn a good score.

Writing Feedback / Is competition good? Yes and No both! [3]


The answer can be both yes and no. ...."and" means more than "or" ... the answer is both of them and not one of them.


This is initially act as a very efficient motivator and people try harder and harder to secure the first place for them. However, later on they become weary of such severe competition.


It can lead to many negative emotional and psychological conditions that may vary from stress to severe depression.


This sentence does not deliver a clear idea to the reader. Better rephrase it .

Writing Feedback / Many tertiary institutions; University should accept gender equality in classes [4]


I don't think this is true.... This is an issue for IELTS and TOEFL examiners and not for the unis for sure ...LOL :D

I think you should follow this structure, which dumi often suggest for the introduction of this task. I am going to copy it for you;

Writing Feedback / Getting advice from friends who are older vs friends of your own age [4]


Well, it is better to preserve a general tone throughout your essay. Your topic is not directed at you in particular.(I guess so because you have not included it. Generally the topic s are not directed at a person and based on general trends) In such case you should keep it more open;

In addition, older friends are generally more knowledgeable in academic work because they have already finished their classes.


Students learn lessons / Students acquire knowledge / Students gain knowledge .... acquire is the better word for knowledge :)

Writing Feedback / 'Babasaheb Ambedkar'; hich one person in the history would you like to meet? [6]

Hey .... great news :) When's the party? LOL

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task2: Comfortable lifestyle i.e. Materialism Vs Traditional Values [10]



Read both, I mean your background statement and the topic. Don't you find a slight difference? ( Also, in what you wrote, it is a bit vague as to whether you talk about the older generations or the people belonging to recent generations) Actually, your topic is more direct and it says that modern people are giving a higher priority for worldly pleasures and they work hard to achieve them in life distancing from traditional values. I find there is a gap between what you wrote and the topic. Better you re-phrase the topic with your own words and present so that it does not lose its original sense. For example;

People's priorities and preferences have changed over the time and the modern people are more concerned about worldly pleasures. Therefore they strive hard to lead such materialistic lives with comforts and luxuries. Some people argue that this phenomenon has made the modern people distancing from the traditional values and it has a negative impact on society. ....now you can tell your opinion on the issue. (your title includes the word "pity" and that is why I talked about the negative impact on society - I think it is implied by the title.... You need to spend more time on writing the background as it is the most important feature in the intro. Take lots of help from the title for that :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task2: Comfortable lifestyle i.e. Materialism Vs Traditional Values [10]


.... this is the part that describes the background. Seems it has a small issue. :) Let's look at the prompt;


... See, it is only the first part of the prompt is discussed in your sentence which is supposed to describe the background of the issue. The second part is ignored. Therefore, the background section, which earns you more marks than other parts of the intro, is not complete.

That is the only issue I find in your introduction. You write very well :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS : Some people think that families have the most powerful influence on children [4]

Include your prompt with the essay so that we can give you more meaningful comments.


... This a poorly constructed sentence and it does not deliver your idea clearly. Write short sentences with one idea per one sentence. That way you can improve clarity of your sentences.

Also, you need to work on improving your essay structure.

Writing Feedback / IELTS(Introduction)- Technology Vs Communication/Using Computer/Women in army [2]

There are some grammar mistakes;


growth provides / growths provide


connected with the world


.... here you are going out of topic. Your topic talks about how technology affects communication between people today and not about working online from home. In the introduction you should strictly stay with the prompt as it is the place for you to introduce your topic to the reader.


.... It is the second sentence that is not in line.

Writing Feedback / IELTS essay : Young people move to cities [4]


However, this phenomenon may cause several negative consequences.


"There can be no doubt" - this unnecessarily complicate your sentence. It's not a good thing in writing. Clearer you present your idea, the more you can impress the reader. There is no point in showing off your vocabulary knowledge if the clarity of your sentences decreases.

There is no doubt that the number of young adults moving to the cities from countryside is ever on increase.

Writing Feedback / enthusiastic generation; Who brings up the children: Parents or Teachers [6]


...there are several errors in this sentence;
parents are two people, i.e. father and mother. Therefore :parents are two persons.
Also, "sole authenticated" does not mean anything relevant to this idea. It is dangerous to use words if you do not have a good knowledge as to in which situation you should use them. They would give a very wrong message. For example, smile and laugh mean very close. But, when you say "I smile at him", it means a positive gesture. However, if you say "I laugh at him" it may mean that you are sarcastic towards him.

Undergraduate / 'vital in our everyday lives' The Importance of Business Education COMMERCE [3]


Business plays a vital role in our everyday lives.


.... I don't understand why you said "indirectly influence our daily lives"? I don't see much significance in that statement for your overall idea.


A degree in commerce provides students with an in-depth knowledge and exposure in business which they can skillfully apply in every field and industry.

Writing Feedback / Entertainment, culture, heritage - What do we need music? [5]


.... this sentence is confusing. I think you have chosen the word advocate without knowing its proper meaning and usage. "Advocate" means "a person who publicly supports or recommends a particular cause or policy"...e.g. "he was an untiring advocate of economic reform".... The appropriate word for this idea is "appeal"

On the other hand, different types of music appeal different audiences.


.... here it's wrong grammar. You need to pay attention to grammar a lot. I'm going to fix it now, and pay attention to those fixes and better memorize.

For instance, young generation is more interested in international music.
For instance, the international music is more popular among the young generation.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL; What is the most important room for you? playstation in my bedroom [3]

You should have included the prompt so that we know what it is all about. It is difficult to give you meaningful feedbacks when the prompt is not there. Include it next time when you open a new thread.


... there are some issues here; These possessions (possessions - plural , these- plural) ;"furnitures" is wrong and it should be "furniture". Everything you own is a possession of yours, so make only the valuables qualify for this purpose; Also arrange these possessions according to their hierarchical value. For example;

These valuable possessions may included your car, jewelry, furniture, books, computer, mobile phone and so on.

Writing Feedback / When students evaluate their teachers, teachers can know what they need to improve themselves [4]

Well, I think it is better if you take some extra care in presenting your essay. Everything seems cramped together. Why not leave a free line in between your paragraphs? It would be a good habit even during your practice sessions, and your examiner would certainly be impressed with a more neat essay presentation :)


Secondly, the student evaluations on teachers would help school administration to know better about the standard of their teaching staff.


The students would understand the strengths and weaknesses of their teachers better than others.

Writing Feedback / Internships are required for university students in order to graduate. [3]

Your whole essay looks like just one paragraph. That's no good dear :( What is this writing for? TOEFL or IELTS?
Whatever the purpose is, you need to have these features in your essay - Introduction, Body paragraphs and a conclusion.