Scholarship / Disengagement interventions. COMMONWEALTH SCHOLARSHIP--OUTLINE OF YOUR PROPOSED STUDY/RESEARCH [2]

Victor, open the presentation with a topic sentence instead of a long winded explanation that does not immediately inform the reviewer. In such word limited responses, using a topic sentence to open the presentation helps the reviewer decide if he feels your proposal is something that could be of interest and useful in terms of your chosen masters course. If you can gain his interest simply by the topic sentence alone, you have a better chance of having him finish reading your statement. The topic sentence can also double as the title for your study / research proposal. For example, I would say :

There are very little studies concerning the rate by which radical terrorist groups lose their members. In reality, they lose members faster than they can recruit them. This research will focus on the information regarding the voluntary exit of the members of these groups...

Scholarship / Cartoon and animation - personal statement and statement of purpose [2]

Ayat, yes, there is something you have to change in the essay. You have to change the whole presentation because you are not informing the reviewer about the data that has been provided in the discussion requirements as the only talking points for this essay. The personal statement should cover the following points:

1. Your motivation for studying in Korea;
2. Your academic and professional experience in relation to the program you are applying to;
3. Your reasons for choosing to study in Korea (what impresses you the most about Korean animation skills as taught in universities that cannot be duplicated in your home country universities);

4. Proof or research abilities and other academic skills that can help the reviewer consider your ability to succeed as a student in the program.

Once you complete the proper essay requirements in essay form, you can come back here for a proper review of your work. Only when you provide me with the proper information can I help you improve your essay presentation for the reviewer to better consider. Just make sure to mark it as URGENT for an additional review in the same thread. Right now, this is not the essay that you can present in relation to required data for the personal statement.

Scholarship / Study objective for Fulbright - Master's in Organizational Leadership [2]

Kokou, I do not know what you have written here but this is definitely not a study objective for a scholarship as highly important as a Fulbright Scholarship. You cannot use any part of this random discussion as it does not contain any reference to a study objective that will be of value to the application. This is only the random musings of a person interested in studying abroad, it does not fulfill the requirements of the study objective essay at all.

The study objective essay has a specific set of information requirements that were supplied to you beforehand. Those are the topics that should be contained in the 2 page presentation. It is a master thesis proposal that should explain the following information:

1. What is your project all about? How does your proposal relate to the Fulbright objectives regarding international relationships between students and countries?
2. What is your personal reason behind this project? Do you have any idea whom you wish to work with at a specific university? If so, why?

3. What is the projected Date of Completion for your project?
4. Where and will you be conducting the research? Why does it have to specifically be completed in a particular country (not necessarily the U.S.)?

At this point of the presentation, you should focus on the methodology of your research along with its accompanying research goals. It has to justify an end result of academic and professional application on your part. Make the project sound like it can realistically be completed. Then consider presenting information regarding:

1. Who will the host country be?
2. What sort of support can you expect from your host country for the project? Do you see them as being helpful towards it completion? Explain why.

3. In the event that the research will require a tremendous amount of travel time and locating of subjects, how do you plan to source and finance this aspect of your research?

The above information will help you better draft a 2 page version of your response. Do not just write for the sake of writing, even if it does not apply to the essay requirements as you did in this essay. You must focus on the requirements of the essay and deliver the information that will make you competitive. The current essay you have will get you removed from consideration.

Write a new essay based on serious thought and discussion outlines in relation to the questions I am asking you. The responses will result in a more useful draft essay for your application.

Graduate / The robust course curriculum offered. SOP for Master's in Business Analytics [2]

Roshini, you have to revise the statement of purpose to discuss how your college studies helped prepare you for your career and the possibility of completing a masters degree. You can do this by showing evidence of research skills based on topics that are related to your interest in business analytics, or your college major at the time. Offering some insight into your academic accomplishments will also help to bolster your image as a person academically prepared for the demands of a masters course.

The following statement is too vague to be truly helpful and informative in the statement of purpose:

I can draw a lot of parallels ... unlock value from the data.

While you can draw parallels, the reviewer cannot. That is why you need to better explain these traits through the use of comparative samples that show the actual use of your undergraduate courses in your current profession. These are critical criteria that will help the reviewer understand what skills, abilities, and past learning experiences you can bring to the program that may help to improve the learning experience.

There is no real academic purpose or professional goal that led you to choose this university. Try to be more specific in this discussion because the current presentation that you have is not really focused on your university choice. The university choice reference could actually be a template to refer in general to your university choice. While that is useful as a place holder, it does not tell the reviewer why you are excited about studying at this university and how their program, along with their faculty, can help you achieve your various learning and professional purposes.

Letters / Writing FB on my Professional Reference Letter for winning Chevening scholarship [2]

Mohammed, this is a glowing letter of recommendation, if you are applying for a job. You are applying for a Chevening scholarship so the recommendation letter needs to highlight more than just your professional expertise. You have to make sure that the letter is revised to reflect your ability to learn, adjust to various stressful situations, and complete research with little to no supervision. Your referee also forgot to introduce himself at the beginning of the letter. This essay needs to be revised because it is too long. Try to provide all of the required information in 5 complete paragraphs.

This essay makes it sound like he is applying for the scholarship for you instead of merely referring you for the student slot. That is what makes me think that just maybe, this is not written by the author but rather, by you, as a student pretending to be the referee. That will be caught by the reviewer and could result in the cancellation of your application / interview. Revise the essay. Use bullet points to describe your work strengths, without going into too much professional detail and examples. This is all about observations in relation to your performance based on the required data as provided by the automated email that was sent to the referee.

Remember, you cannot upload the letter for him, he has to do all of this himself. This letter is questionable because it is more in the form of an application letter instead of a recommendation letter. Look for examples of Chevening referee letters at this forum and follow those formats when it comes to content. This letter isn't going to work. It is more of an application letter, not a recommendation letter.

Writing Feedback / Psychology and health - they both are intricately connected [3]

Steph, there is a bigger and far greater problem in your essay than just the simple structure and missing thesis statement. The information you are using as the basis of your research and discussion are all over 5 years old. Some of these data even stems back 70 years ago! That has created a research paper that is irrelevant to the 21st century and its related scope of research. Your paper should not have any information dating earlier than 2013 for this research. All research papers submitted to professors must contain updated information to help prove the relevance of the topic, applicable collated / researched information, and timely discussion. If you try to submit this to your professor, it will either get a failing score due to the irrelevance of cited information or, you will be asked to submit a new paper that uses more current information in relation to your topic of choice. That is why I am suggesting that you redo the paper. This time, take note of the year of publication for the information you will be using. Make sure it was published no earlier than 5 years back. You might be able to stretch it to 10 years back, if the professor will accept such dated information. No professor will accept a paper that cites information from the 1940's, 80's, and 90's though. That is just back dating the research too much. The information you are sharing is irrelevant and no longer applicable due to the age of the data. There are more recent research results you can use if you just apply the proper amount of research time within correct sources for it.

Writing Feedback / IELTS; The advertising has been widespread in the world. A complete restriction necessary? [2]

Tran, good job on the direct response to the extent essay. Further applause is required because you knew well enough to give a measured response to the question. Additional cheers for showing an implied discussion outline, all within your prompt paraphrase.

Your not so impressive actions come from using the memorized phrases "On the one hand" and "On the other hand" rather than using topic sentences to open your reasoning paragraphs. It will help your overall score if you can show that you can create true complex and simple sentences rather than relying on learned phrases to help your essay long, specially when introducing your reasoning topic.

An additional problem with this essay is that you only have 40 minutes to write the Task 2 essay and somehow you managed to write almost 400 words. This will be an impossible feat at the testing center when you need to write at least 250 words, review, revise, edit, and finalize within 40 minutes. Next time, use a timer. You will find that the most number of words you can write is about 300, depending upon your knowledge of the topic and the editing requirements of your work. At 250 words, that means you need to write 25 lines of text, represented by 5 sentences in each of the 4-5 paragraph presentation to present 250 words. 30 lines would be around 300 words. That is the most ideal writing representation you can make. Spelling errors include:

Hetic- Hectic
Cocacola - Coca - Cola
sems - seems

Make sure you also use the adverbs in the right positions: compare easily = easily compare. Review the English grammar rules and make sure that you spell in UK English as much as possible. It is best to show a familiarity with the way that region of the world spells in English to prove you understand the difference between US and UK grammar presentations.

Review your work for spelling and sentence structure errors, in this case, you made several spelling mistakes and failed to correct them. Which means your LR score would be reduced because you failed to spot and correct avoidable errors. You want to make sure that you present the essay at its optimum level for scoring consideration. So make sure you review and edit before submission. There are no second chances at the testing center.

Final problems arise from your improper concluding summary. It is not a summary, it is a hanging paragraph. There is no real closing sentiment representing the reverse prompt paraphrase for the essay. That should be at least 3 sentences long.

Scholarship / Study Objective - Precision Medicine - Applying for Fulbright Scholarship Program [2]

Gibran, this essay does not touch on specific information in relation to your response to the topic requirements. You do not clearly explain why your friend's death motivated your interest in AI health applications. How long ago did this friend of yours die? Were you already working as a professional at the company or not? What sort of AI could have saved his life? Why do you think that such a program would have immense real world application these days? How do you see yourself implementing the AI tech in your country beyond the app? What is the community development aspect? How do these all relate to possibly having saved your friend? More importantly, you do not explain your educational foundation that could support or represent your ability to work in the AI field or allow you complete this course?

Your essay is composed mostly if implied answers. What you have to present are specifics. Specifics in relation to Precision Medicine and your academic background, professional experience, future professional aspirations, and community applications. How does your background as a Data Scientist make you a perfect candidate for the course? Simply explaining that you were a number cruncher is not enough to convince the reviewer that you qualify for this program. In fact, I am not convinced that you have the proper educational foundation, professional experience, and future plans that can make you successful as a graduate student. There are just too many missing factors in your essay that you need to fill in. The questions I presented above should help you revise the essay. It will show you which aspects are weak, should be replaced, or removed from the discussion. Personally, I do not think you should include your friend's death in the discussion because the program you wish to enter focuses on a national or international, rather than personal scale.

Graduate / Texas A&M MS in Marketing - why study at Mays [4]

Shruti, I find that the statement that you wrote is not properly focused on a useful response. The most responsive part of your writing is:

The MS in Marketing program at Mays Business School encompasses a strong foundation through subjects like Marketing Leadership (MKTG 670) along with specializations in my desired focus - brand management which I intend to integrate with a certification in analytics.

Work on further explaining an integrated approach for your career foundation, in preparation for an MBA but do not include the advisory board information because that is not connected to the actual learning process you will be undertaking at the university. The quote I provided above can serve as the jump off point for your revised essay because it provides a clear topic for the discussion using the remaining word count.

The additional discussion can use the focus brand management discussion for its continuation. Explain how the training program falls within your professional focus and will help to establish your MBA foundation. By showing that you have a clear academic consideration for your university choice, you will more accurately respond to the question provided.

Graduate / Urban planning and real estate managemenet of Korea - KGSP/GKS personal statement [3]

@IamIana Tehre are specific discussion points for the GKS - G personal statement. Most of which are not represented or little represented in this essay. The reviewer does not required 85 % of the information in this essay. The parts that he needs to know about, such as your detailed college education and professional life, are very little discussed in your presentation. You should have discussed those aspects in greater detail. Your motivational consideration for wanting to study in Korea can be further developed in relation to your reasons for studying in Korea. Try to create an essay that follows a better flow of discussion. Something like the following would be better for this presentation:

1. Academic and professional background (one paragraph each with transition sentences);
2. motivation for studying in Korea (academic objective);
3. Reasons for studying in Korea (professional objective);
4. Other strengths that prove a proficiency in research (detailed undergraduate thesis discussion).

You do not need to include a desire to introduce your culture to Koreans. What you should do is develop extended discussions of your paragraphs in relation to the above listing. Additionally, you have to expand on the explanation of your 13 research projects. Choose the ones that you scored most highly with, making sure it is relevant to your chosen course so that you can strengthen your research proficiency presentation.

Do not use Grammarly to check your essay for grammar and other errors. That website stores your essay in its database so if your essay is run through a plagiarism check, your paper will come back as a plagiarized paper. Use only offline grammar checkers such as Word 356's bundled spelling checker and editor to prevent accidental plagiarism. Or better yet, hire a professional to edit your next draft version so it can enter into a final version immediately.

Scholarship / Engineering aspirations - GKS-G personal statement [4]

Petal, the main reason that you will not qualify for this scholarship is your lack of professional reference. You indicated that you want to build up enough experience to be able to take on advanced studies. However, you have not mentioned any proof that you have the required professional relationship in relation to your educational background. In relation to this lacking information, the screener will also see that you do not have any additional information that will show how prepared you are to undertake the complicated studies and research that the graduate studies will require. Overall, the essay is built on a shaky foundation. It is not qualified for serious consideration under the GKS-G criteria.

You have focused on the 2 prompt guidelines that you are skilled enough to represent in your essay. The problem, is that there are additional discussion considerations that you have intentionally omitted from the discussion. As such, the essay will be incomplete and automatically be disqualified from consideration for the scholarship.

Undergraduate / A circumstance that challenged me was social anxiety. Supplementary essay for Queens Commerce [3]

Mathew, your opening paragraph sounds so amateur because you are simply paraphrasing the prompt question as an opening sentence. Remember, the first sentence is the hook of the essay. That sentence that should make the reader interested to find out what you have to say. The way you present your problem anxiety in this instance is too cut and dried. It requires more creativity to hook the reader. Stating the response so directly ends the essay response. The reader will not move forward because you did not really make him work to learn what your challenge was. Neither do you show the challenges you faced after seeking treatment for the condition. You need to add a little drama to stir interest in the response. Not too much drama, just enough to show the trials and tribulations you went through to get to where you are today, feeling cheated because you spent so much of your life suffering anxiety attacks.

Undergraduate / How much my global perspective may be influenced by being a part of Semester at Sea community? [3]

Taylor, there are two ways that you can take this essay draft. The first way, is to focus on Japan and how a stop there, for even a few days, or even a weekend, will be able to help broaden your global perspective regarding that country and its diplomatic relationship with the rest of the world. Or, you can remove the reference to Japan so that you can create a general discussion instead.

The way I read this essay, it is strong in the way that you portray your strength as a candidate, but you are weak in a true explanation regarding how you be influenced by the global perspective. The lack of a strong global perspective is coming from a lack of academic goal, in relation to international diplomatic relationships. What enticed you to apply for admission to a Semester at Sea should portray who you are today, how you see the world as of now, and how how you hope to learn more through your participation in the program.

Define what your current global perspective is and how you hope to change that by experiencing the world first hand, in a manner different from the travel you had with your parents. Why do you think the improved global perspective will make you a better person? How will you use this learning to improve your relationship with your schoolmates on the ship, and your other relationships once you go back home? Describe how you hope to use this global perspective to mature as an individual over one semester.

Scholarship / Comparative Literature Study Plan KGSP Graduate [4]

Irmak, you have to present this in the same manner as a formal thesis proposal to the reviewer. That means it has to have a clear objective, goal of study, methodology, and expected outcome. I have reviewed your essay thoroughly and come to the conclusion that you have almost all of these aspects presented, but in need to further development within the essay. I see the following as existing in this draft:

Objective: My main goal of study is to base my studies on the common language of resistance in times of war, by comparing Korean literature during Japanese invasion to the famous works of European poets of World War I and World War II.

Thesis Statement: focus on the resistance poetry in Korea ...but under different conditions.

Methodology: Professor Rhee Suk Koo, who teaches courses on Korean and Asian cultural studies in relation to English Language and Literature department....comparative studies between Korean literature and Western literature. (Develop the paragraph into a more appropriate methodology explanation).

Expected Outcome: I hope to contribute to the voicing the importance of other nationalities in canonical literature. I want to be a researcher that studies literature in English, rather than be a copier of all the studies that have been done on English literature already... ( Develop further in terms of expected outcome of your research)

What I have given you above is a clue as to how you can present a relevant tentative goal of study and study plan to the reviewer. The advise above covers the most expected discussion points and explanations. Therefore, you should be able to develop these plans into a clear thesis proposal for this scholarship application.

Don't worry, this is only a suggested master thesis plan. It is expected to change, or remain the same as your study progresses and your interests change. This is only to show the reviewer that you have a clear research path ahead of you as a masters degree student.

Essays / How to answer essay from scholarship (dentistry study) [5]

1.your academic and social experiences relating the field you want to take an education,
- Discuss your early exposure to dentistry and any related clinical participation you may have had. For example, you could have studied to become a dental hygienist and you now wish to become a full fledged dentist. Perhaps you had friends who were dentists who influenced this discussion. Explain what influenced you both through education and exposure to consider pursuing this career.

2.your reasons for choosing Turkey for study ?
- What sets Turkish dentists apart? What makes you think that Turkey has the best dental schools in the world? Explain what influenced this belief of yours.

3. the importance of your future plans for your education and scholarship in Turkey?
- How does your interest in dentistry affect the possible career course you will have upon graduation? Why do you think that it is important you complete your education in Turkey? This is an expanded discussion of the 2nd question response.

Undergraduate / Academic history, your major and/or career goals, cultural understanding - UofWa Personal Statement [2]

Jasmine, you need to better outline the discussion for your essay. It feels like you are jumping around between prompt topics and just jotting down your thoughts. There is no clear progression and transition between your topics and paragraphs. You have to review the content of the essay in comparison to the prompt topics. That means, you need to outline the essay before you can revise the content. Try to edit the essay in the following manner:

1. List down the prompt question and below then, below every question or discussion instruction, jot down the related response topics you wish to discuss.
2. Cut and paste the sections of your existing essay that will allow you to expand the discussions per instruction / question.
3. Review the responses you have created in comparison with the question / discussion question. Ensure that only relevant response are included.
4. Remove the discussion question outline. Only the relevant responses should remain.
5. Polish the relevant responses into short, informative, and on-point paragraph presentations.

The above method should help you write a shorter and informative response that does not constantly stray from the required discussion points.

Scholarship / "give up to three practical examples of how you intend to use" - AAS Scholarship [3]

Moe, the way that you wish to practice these skills in your profession can be seen as admirable by some who read this essay. The lack of various educational experiences and implementation devices are key to the reasons why you were able to provide 3 examples of how you will apply your knowledge and skills after you complete the scholarship.

The only problem with the presentation is that you did not really discuss the possible obstacles that you will encounter in the implementation of your 3 desired objectives. Your essay makes the implementation appear to be a given that will be implemented with ease. Nothing could be further from that implication. You will be facing obstacles in the performance of these tasks. Discuss these obstacles as they apply to the second question of the essay which is:

... list any possible constraints you think may prevent you from achieving these tasks.

That is the strong missing element in your presentation. Edit the essay to allow for the inclusion of this discussion per practical example.

Scholarship / English Language and Literature KGSP Personal Statement [2]

Imak, your essay focuses heavily on your academic accomplishments, but you are not indicating any professional achievements, a topic that goes hand in hand with justifying your education as per the GKS discussion outline for this personal statement. There is also no clear motivation as to why wish to pursue studies in Korean literature specifically.

There is a motivation for your interest in general literature. However, your interest is Korean lit heavy so you need to reference your motivation more in terms of that development. You have to prove that you have somehow worked professionally in this field as well either as a translator of Korean literature as a part of your career tasks, or something related to teaching others. This essay makes you sound like a professional student instead who gains income and travels the world in the guise of "masters course studies" from the allowances and travel opportunities provided by various international scholarships. You must avoid that image. Explain why you continuously take masters courses without any actual professional application on your part.

You have to revise the essay in totality. Review the personal statement prompts again. Make sure you do not just focus on your strong educational background. Cover all the bases. Remember, there are as few as a single slot available per country for this scholarship. Applicants with far stronger and focused essays will be submitting their personal statements as well. This essay, in this current form, may not make it past the screening round due to its overall weakness in discussion points.

You have a strong academic and research background, along with impressive other experiences. However, the weakness in the professional application of your studies will be what holds this essay back from being truly representative of your strengths as a scholarship applicant.

Since you are applying via university track, you must also make a representative paragraph that explains why you chose this university in Korea. It has to relate to the kind of learning, research, and other learning objectives that you have which you understand that only this university offers in Korea. In addition to that, explain why you chose to study in Korea as well. That would be the "reasons to study in Korea", which are not clearly explained in this essay.

Again, review the prompt discussion listing. Do not focus entirely on your educational attainments alone. These are not enough to win your the cut-throat slot for a scholarship in the GKS program.

Writing Feedback / The older generation tend to have very traditional ideas about how people should live, think, behave [2]

Zichen, you should not wrote more than 300 words for this essay. You do not have enough time to write so many words during the actual test. Always practice your essay writing under proper time constraints. Use a timer set for 40 minutes when you do the Task 2 essay. Make sure you allot at least 10 minutes of editing time, leaving you with 30 minutes to write the full essay draft first. You should see that your essay will have a range of only 250-275 words when using time considerations for your essay development.

Now, you did not represent an "extent" response in the proper manner in this essay. You wrote:

While I agree with the idea that some of these ideas are unhelpful, I would argue that others are still valuable.

However, the essay question is asking:

To what extent do you agree or disagree with this view？

Therefore, your response is incomplete. The proper response should have included either the following words to indicate your divided extent response:

partially
high / low extent because...
I agree less with...
I agree more with ...

along with other variations of measured response descriptions.

Never use connecting words such as "but" to begin a sentence. Instead, attach it to the first sentence topic by using a comma before the conjunction, this will help you to create a complex sentence presentation while avoiding any improper change of discussion topics within the paragraph. Avoid the over use of commas in your paragraphs as well. Those are run-on sentences that will affect your GRA score. Individual sentences with completely developed thoughts are what is expected of the writer in this essay.

Make sure you learn how to write your thoughts regarding the discussion within 5 sentences composed of simple to complex presentations. That way you increase your GRA score and also write within the time limitations. Writing more than that wastes essay revision time. Time that could have been better spent outlining your essay first to create a coherent and cohesive paragraph presentation. Something that is weak due to the scattered discussion that your paragraphs represent.

It is just one topic per paragraph. Not 2 topics per paragraph unless you are asked for "reasons" and "solutions", in plural form, within the writing instructions. Your paragraphs tended to change the discussion focus from the original because of the multiple reasons you presented, which could lead to a lower TA score. There are no interconnected discussions in your paragraphs, only memorized phrases to guide you towards the number of reasons you have written ( First, second...) , which is not effective in increasing your scoring potential. So keep it down to one topic per paragraph unless otherwise indicated.

Writing Feedback / Internet and food - has it improved the way people live? [3]

M'hammed , I am sorry but I cannot continue to review this essay based on the 4 scoring bands. The reason that I cannot do so is because you only wrote 188 words for what should be a 250 minimum word essay. As such, this will get an automatic failing score had this been an actual test setting. This being your first attempt at writing a Task 2 essay, I will give you another chance to properly provide a minimum 250 word essay. I will score the 2nd presentation that you will be making. Consider this a failed attempt at writing the task 2 essay at this point. Prove to me that you can do better than this. Review the sample essays available here and learn how to properly discuss the various essay types so that you can write the minimum word requirement with your next practice test. I refuse to believe that this is the best that you can do. I look forward to reviewing your next essay that falls more under the required criteria for this task.

Letters / REFERENCE letter for Chevening (Master of Law programm) [5]

Vova, while the reference information in this letter is correct, the fact that it is written by a person who knew you as an employee almost four years ago is what makes this a weak reference letter. Your reference letter, to be able to have a sense of strength and up to date information, should be written by someone who is currently familiar with you in some capacity. These capacities are as a community group member whom you currently work with on a civic basis, a personal associate at your current office, or your most recent educator either at a company seminar or continuing education center. It has to be no later than 2 years old at the most to show your most updated skills and information. Due to the age of this relationship, the reviewer will not be convinced that this is a letter that the referee wrote. In fact, I can tell that you were the one who wrote this essay. The obviousness comes from the vague references to any accomplishments and skills as you participated in the law office. Do not use this reference letter. It doesn't work. Get a more recent reference instead and make sure that it is the referee who writes the letter, not you.

Writing Feedback / Young people should learn what the world is doing. [4]

Tranh, do not refer to "this essay disagrees" or "this essay supports" as the prompt discussion is asking for your personal opinion on the matter. That means it is alright to use the first person pronoun. Use second and third person pronouns in essays that ask you to discuss public points of view. Whenever you are asked questions such as "To what extent do YOU disagree or agree..." You are required to use various first person references in the essay. By the way, speaking of extent questions, you did not respond with an extent response in this essay. So your TA score will be lower than it could have been if you had provided a measured response. Read the examples of measured response essays at this forum for various examples of how to respond to such a presentation.

You have a few grammar errors in this essay such as the use of the word "of" after the verb lacking. There was no need to use "of" after the verb "lacking" as it creates an incorrect sentence structure and highlights improper grammar control on your part. Use a comma after an introductory element such as "Thus" to create a pause in the reading that allows the reader to prepare for the next sentence discussion.

If you take not of the advised changes in your future practice tests, you should be able to create better mock essays in the future.

Writing Feedback / Discuss the effects of modern technology. IELTS essay [3]

Phan, each type of essay has a specific number of reasoning paragraphs to present in the body of the essay. When the essay requests you to discuss both opinions and provide a personal opinion, the reasoning paragraph presentation is done within 3 paragraph. Each paragraph represents:

Point of View 1
Point of View 2
Personal Opinion

Your personal opinion should not be merged with one of the two points of view as your personal opinion should show a consideration of both given discussion points prior to your siding with one of the given viewpoints. An additional error that you created was that you immediately presented your personal opinion in the prompt paraphrase. Since this is not a direct question essay, an immediate response located in the paraphrase section is not required. Rather an outline of the discussion instruction should be presented as the final sentence in this section.

Save for these 2 mistakes, I have to say that you would have had a very well discussed essay that could be considered for at least a passing score had it followed the correct presentation format. I hope to see improvements to your work with your upcoming practice tests. Keep writing, you can only get better.

Writing Feedback / The water consumption rates divided into industrial use, agricultural use and domestic use [3]

Crystal, due to the lack of image, I cannot review your essay for relevance to the image. I can only do a simple grammar check for this essay, point out the problem points, and offer you corrections regarding that. Please make sure to upload the image next time you decide to ask for a review of your work at this forum. The image is a requirement and is not optional if you want a complete review for your work.

An Oxford comma is required when you enumerate a series of inter-related words. The Oxford comma is a comma used before the word "and" that indicates the last word in the list. it helps to organize the sentence presentation and clarifies the end point of the discussion. By the way, you cannot say "remainder" because that word is a mathematical term that means "remaining". The proper word format is "the remaining regions" since you are not referring to a mathematical equation.

Please remember that the word "and" is used after a verb or used to introduce a verb in an existing sentence. It is used as a connector. Since there is nothing to be connected at the start of a sentence, it is not proper to use the word to start a sentence. In addition to that, there are no optional information included in the image, so you must never enclose information in a parenthesis. That indicates that the information is not important or optional. It should always be presented as a major part of the paragraph presentation as information of note from the image.

I will end my review at this point. I cannot go further because I cannot review your content and prompt accuracy without the image. That is why the image is always required for Task 1 reviews at this forum.

Writing Feedback / Birth control policy - IELTS writing task 2 practice. [3]

Ching, this is a direct question essay, which requires a direct response be delivered to the questions in the prompt paraphrase. This is used to outline the reasoning paragraphs between 2-3 reasons. For this type of question, a 2 paragraph reasoning essay is required. The way that you formatted the essay paraphrase does not respond to the 2nd question at all so it could lower the task accuracy score for your essay.

For this type of question, provide your opinion and the reason towards the end of the 5 sentence maximum paraphrase. Those sentences create the discussion topic and reason for your essay which will help increase your TA, GRA, and C&C scores overall. The way you responded to the essay shows that you are using a memorized format from a book for the response. Using memorized formats and phrases tend to lessen the scoring consideration for your essay because you do not fully utilize your English writing skills in the process.

You must only discuss one reason per paragraph because there is not enough room in a 5 sentence paragraph to properly develop, discuss, and provide examples for each topic. Your first reasoning paragraph became very weak and under developed because of this mistake. You need to make sure to use only one topic unless the instruction provides for a plural representation for the discussion. In which case, you will need to format your reasoning paragraphs differently using transition sentences to go from one reason to the next in the same paragraph instead.

Your concluding summary falls short of the 3 sentence minimum - 5 sentence maximum requirement. You will lose in GRA points due to the run-on sentences represented in the 2 sentence presentation. Always use a full stop, a period, to introduce new discussions. Never use a comma as that creates the run-on presentation.

Scholarship / GKS Aesthetics Major Personal Statement (University Track) [2]

Rasika, you have a tendency to include irrelevant information in this draft. There are specific sets of information that you must provide. Points of information that the reviewer will be specifically interested in. These are also the only information required in the presentation. As I read this essay, I came to the opinion that you need to revise it through the removal of excess and non-required statements so that you can create a short but informative essay which, based on the space provided for the discussion, will come in handy for this application.

Please revise the essay to include only the following information from this draft (based on paragraph numbering) ; 1,2,3,4,6,7. Rearrange it into the following presentation positions: 6, 2,3,4,7. When you revise the essay, make sure to allow for equal discussion to the educational background and professional background. You are too focused on the reasons for your study in Korea and its relevance to your art that you are neglecting the other important information. Showing you are a Korean fanatic in the essay will not assure you of winning the scholarship.

Since you are applying through the university track, you have to include a discussion regarding the reasons you chose the university in relation to your interest in Korean art / Hallyu. That is one of the required information for all university applicants. You cannot convince the reviewer that you chose the right university and you can perform well as a student there if you cannot connect your previous education with your new academic goals that led you to the decision to apply to this university. Include that in the revised essay presentation as well.

Writing Feedback / The table illustrates the proportion of monthly household income in five countries over Europe [2]

Pham, please remember that your noun phrase must represent the proper number reference for your item. In this instance, you said "This items", with items being a plural form. Therefore, the plural form "these" should be used to reference the items to prevent an incorrect noun phrase, hence "these items". Such a mistake will be considered an error that can lower your GRA score.

By the way, the Task 1 essay should have a 4 paragraph format. The trending sentence can be made a stand alone reference sentence in situations where it is warranted, such as in this presentation. You should not have combined the trending sentence with the opening summary paragraph. Instead, you should have included a reference to the given instructions for the essay so that the reader will know what information will be discussed and how. In addition to that, the inclusion of the discussion instructions as a paraphrase will help you develop an outline for your discussion. That missing sentence is what forced the 3 paragraph error in your presentation. That is easily avoidable in the next practice essay.

By the way, you have written too many words for this essay. You only have 20 minutes to write, review, revise, and finalize this essay. So the most you can write, in hand-written form will be no more than 175 - 200 words. Always leave some time for editing and always practice your task writing using a timer. You will learn, through that method, exactly how many words you are capable of writing within 20 minutes. Through repetition, you will find that you will always be writing just the right number of words to allow you to revise the essay later on.

Writing Feedback / Government budget for art is argued by a few as a waste of money - rightly or wrongly? [3]

Rites, congratulations in writing a precise prompt paraphrase and including a properly framed extent response as your response to the question. It was well written even though it is still a little grammatically incorrect. The fact that you were cohesive and coherent in the Task Accuracy presentation will boost your score for sure.

Your inter-connected reasoning and discussions in the reasoning paragraphs work very well based on the outline discussion that the original prompt provided. It is strong in terms of presentation and provides an understanding of your intermediate English writing skills. However, your second reasoning paragraph contains a run-on sentence in the third paragraph. Remember, you will score better for short, but well worded and discussed sentences. Only one or two supporting examples would have sufficed in that sentence with a period separating the identity discussion. It would have created more complex sentence presentations in the process.

Your concluding summary is also impressive. You created an uncommon concluding presentation as you did not use the memorized phrases for the opening sentence. This will certainly increase your GRA score as well. There is one exception to this though. You forgot to include the 2 sides that the topic was all about. You went directly to repeating your opinion instead. Remember, you always need to present a reverse paraphrase in that part of the essay presentation.

Letters / Claudya Stevany - Motivation Letter for Master Degree [2]

Claudya, this is not a motivation letter. You have placed information here that belongs in a personal statement and a statement of purpose. So you have to edit and revise this essay to create a proper motivational letter. You are lucky that there are 2 paragraphs int his essay that you can use as a part of the revised essay. These are paragraphs 3 and 4. However, in paragraph 3, you have to change the term "ambition" to "motivation" in accordance with the theme of the letter. You can actually complete this letter with just the addition of 1 more paragraph, that of the actual motivation or reason for your desire to pursue a masters degree.

Now, you cannot frame the motivation as a question. You have to present that as a statement of fact, based on supporting evidence from your professional experience, that you feel needs to be improved so that you can help improve that professional sector either in the company or your country. This is the launching pad for the last 2 paragraphs so you need to come in with a strong motivation that does not look at your high school days or history of your academic background. Instead, look to the future and discuss why you are motivated to aspire for a better future in this profession. That will be strong enough to be backed by the reason why you chose to study in this university and this country. So your motivation letter will be composed of 3 strong paragraphs representing your motivation points.

Writing Feedback / What do you think the role of a parent should be in their child's education? [2]

Claudya, you have not followed the correct format for the discussion requirement of the essay. This is an advanced writing topic essay which I do not believe you are prepared to write yet. It requires that the personal opinion discussion begin in the first paragraph, as a part of the prompt paraphrase, to serve as the discussion outline for the 2 reasoning paragraphs. Let me show you your mistake and how it should have been written below:

Original Questions: Why do you think some parent put too much pressure on their children to perform well at school?
What do you think the role of a parent should be in their child's education?

Your Response: I personally believe that the pressure for their children performance's at school happens of the family beliefs, and parents have to be strict in the right way.

Proper Paraphrase: There are two types of parenting styles being followed these days. The first is the non-supportive kind wherein children receive little assistance from the parents, allowing them to learn on their own. The other is called helicopter parenting, which often has drawbacks in the educational development of a child. I believe that the pressure parents impose on children to do well in school is because of an over-emphasis on the academic achievement of children for future educational purposes. While this is an impressive achievement on the child's part, I believe that parents role must be to encourage the child just enough while allowing him to still learn at his own pace.

Based on the above representation of the given prompt, you can clearly see why your attempt at this discussion is in error. You ended up straying from the original discussion points most of the time and did not really align yourself with the single opinion discussion for each question provided. You have to improve your English comprehension skills and learn how to properly address the prompt requirements so that you can improve your discussion presentations. Learn from the samples provided at this forum to get a better idea about how to approach various discussion topics to create a proper and responsive essay.

I am not going to judge the other parts of this essay as of now because there is a problem with the task accuracy of your response, which means it will not get a very good score if I were to rate it. I strongly urge you to familiarize yourself with the Task 2 discussion types before you proceed with other practice tests.

Undergraduate / QUEENS COMMERCE SUPPLEMENTARY ESSAY - Pick a job and describe impact/greatest learning outcome [2]

Abeyan, you have successfully provided an insightful response statement to the given discussion instructions. I find that you have paid ample attention to the requirements provided and you have truly given much thought to the presentation and development of your response. There are a few points that require clarification though. That means you will need to adjust the essay content to suit the word requirements with additional information. The parts that seem confusing in relation to the discussion are:

1. This position tremendous stress on me because I had to meet deadlines that came with real consequences.
- Did you mean "placed tremendous stress.." ?
- Add an example of the real consequences as you experienced it to show why you pushed yourself to do better at the job.

2. These responsibilities challenged me in ways...
- Such as? Every declaration you make needs to be supported by an example.

Remove the reference to grade 12. The reviewer already knows you are a graduating senior since you are applying for admission to college. Start the sentence instead with "Ultimately, I came out of my job with endless transferable skills in hand. I am now able to prioritize my academics..." That makes for a stronger presentation that removes superfluous information.

Undergraduate / University of Richmond Transfer Essay - Prompt 3 (time travel) [2]

Brayan, the prompt is asking you to describe how you would spend a year in the past, not 3-5 weeks in the past. There is no connection between the 3 weeks you spent working with Mr. Vernon May and the car accident that he had the next year. The essay is not about the last year in this man's life and how you participated in 3-5 weeks of it. The essay is about how you would spend your time in the past over 365 days, 52 weeks in one year. The reviewer could care less about the information you shared in this essay because it focuses too much on Mr. Vernon and very little on you. I know you were trying to tug on the emotional heartstrings of the reviewer. Unfortunately, you missed the total focus of the essay in the process.

Think about something in the past that occurred in your life. Something that unfolded over the course of a year. How would you change those negative events to have a positive outcome? You have a chance to go back to the past for one year to change a marked event in your life, not someone else's life, what period would that be? What would the situation be? How would it have unfolded? What changes to your decision making process would you make? Think about how you would show a sense of maturity with regards to a reckless event you participated in in the past. The idea, is to prove that you now have the maturity and preparedness to attend college and make the right decisions for yourself. It is an essay all about becoming an adult.

That is one way of looking at the prompt. The other way, is to think of a time in history that you believe needs to be changed for the benefit of man. What year would that be? What pivotal event in the history of man would that be? What was the result of that action in the past at present? How would you try to change the results if you could spend a year redesigning history? What do you hope the outcome would have been?

Either way of addressing the prompt is correct. The only requirement, is that you choose the right essay for yourself by picking the one that you feel you have more of a connection with and would help portray your maturity to the reviewer. That is the main purpose of the essay, to show your ability to run your life or change the world in a positive manner.

Undergraduate / Transfer Statement of Purpose to Texas A&M For Computer Engineering [2]

Ian, since this is a transfer statement of purpose, the focus should be less on the irrelevant internship and more on the ACC and TAMU comparative discussion. While mentioning the Samsung apprenticeship helps, it should not be longer than one paragraph since it is not related to the reason why you are changing universities. Focus on how the apprenticeship told you what you don't want to pursue as a career instead. The talk about being pressured by your parents again, is not related to the transfer reasons so, unless your parents chose ACC for you, there is no need to involve them in this conversation.

The reasons for your transfer to TAMU should be grounded on your academic expectations and goals. A reference to a professional goal, in relation to the apprenticeship (or not) can be included as another factor for your desire to change universities. Right now, the lack of specific reasons for choosing TAMU makes the essay less than convincing regarding your reasons for your transfer. You need specific references to show 2 important information. (1) Indicate how far ACC has taken your learning and training and (2) explain why you believe TAMU can pick up where ACC left off with your education (based on the course offerings and technical training available there). Those will strongly represent the purpose of your transfer from ACC to TAMU.

Scholarship / KGSP Part 3 - English linguistics - Future Plan [2]

Evi, there is a 2 year residency requirement for all GKS graduates. It is a way of paying for the expenses that Korea incurred for educating you as a scholar. So you do not need to say that you hope to stay in Korea. Instead, offer a post study plan that explains how you will spend those 2 years working in Korea based on the masters course you took. Then, and this is important, indicate that you will leave Korea 2 years after your graduation and work experience / training.

Explain how your post study plans (work opportunity) in your home country will benefit from the 2 years work experience you will have earned in Korea. Do not say that you will extend your stay in Korea beyond the 2 year plan. It will appear that you are looking to gain Korean residency or citizenship through the GKS program and that could be a negative consideration for your application. You can say instead, that you look forward to going home, working in your home country and looking for the opportunity to return as a working professional to Korea at a later date.

Aside from my observations above, I can also say that you can use paragraph 2 as the basis of the new version. Make that your first paragraph and build on my observations above from there. I believe that would create a better post study plan for your application.

Writing Feedback / Experience is the best teacher or reading books is more important? [3]

Parisaa, without knowing if this is an IELTS practice test and without the discussion instructions for this essay, I cannot review this essay on the scoring basis of the test or discussion instructions. My advice will be limited to grammar mistakes because of the missing review instructions. Please remember to provide the discussion instructions the next time to receive a comprehensive review from me.

When using an introductory element such as "So", meaning you are starting the sentence with that word, you need to use a comma to create a pause in the reading before continuing to write the discussion. The punctuation mark will allow the reader to pause and prepare for the next part of the discussion.

You must also never use contractions when writing an academic essay. I am assuming that you are writing an academic essay since you are asking for writing feedback. Contractions in your essay include can't (cannot) , didn't (did not), I'm (I am).

These mistakes seem simple and unimportant when viewed by the writer of the essay. However, an examiner will have to consider these mistakes as a part of the scoring criteria, which means these mistakes could pull your score down per criteria. Assuming that you are taking a some sort of English proficiency test that is.

Scholarship / Nursing graduate - Korean scholarship program personal statement [3]

Kubra, something tells me that you failed to secure a copy of the GKS / KGSP essay requirements. Specifically, you did not get the checklist / writing instructions for the Personal Statement as your work shows that you did not address the specific discussion points as instructed. The specific instructions for this essay are as follows:

1. Motivation with which you apply for this program
2. Your education and work experience related to the KGSP
3. Reasons for studying in Korea.
4. Any other aspects of your background and interests which may help us evaluate your aptitude and passion for graduate study or research.

What you presented was a general format personal statement rather than a GKS / KGSP focused personal statement. You must write a new essay that specifically addresses each aspect of the prompt within the A4-sized single page requirement. Write the essay, to be sure, in the order of the information requirements above. That way you do not miss any information for presentation. Try not to write more than 2 related paragraphs per prompt so as not to run out of page space for your response. You may use the information in this current essay as the basis of a more direct response to the indicated topics for discussion.

This essay suffers from wordiness. It is boring to read and does not truly inform the reader due to the extremely long per paragraph presentation. Try to stay focused, use topic sentences, and indicate the needed information as soon as possible. Do not over dramatize the presentation as you did in this current version. Don't waste the reviewer's time. You want him to finish reading your application not get bored and, as a result, force him or her to move on to the next applicant. Stick to the required discussion topics in an interesting manner or hire a professional writer to help you write a more accurate response to the prompt requirements.

Student Talk / Longlisted for Chevening, What's next? I'm so condused and stressed! [4]

You want to be short-listed for scholarship consideration. A short listed applicant is someone who is sure to be given an interview schedule in April. Any applicant who is long-listed means he or she is placed on a "waiting list". That means, you are considered a potential candidate but the interview slots are already full. You will be scheduled for an interview if a short-listed student cannot attend the interview or fails the interview process. However, you have to wait until your turn to be scheduled comes up. You are not the only long listed applicant at the moment. You will be called to an interview depending upon your position on the queue. I truly hope that you get called for an interview.

The reason you are being asked to upload your educational documents is most likely because you have not uploaded your transcript of records yet. The educational record, if seen as an additional reason to bring you up in the line, will help you get an interview. Stellar grades are a must. It isn't just about the university certificate proving you are a graduate. They need to see and consider the grades you got as an undergraduate. You must also upload the official results of your IELTS or TOEFL test to prove your English proficiency level. The higher your score, the better.

The referee letters should be strong in the sense that it supports your qualifications as a student, as a researcher, a community member, or as an employee. All of these should attest to your study and work ethic as well as your sense of civic duty. Your character should also be included as being an exemplary person within the capacity that the referee knows you. This has to be powerful and positive in terms of presentation.

All of these will be considered collectively should your turn come up to be interviewed. If these remaining documents satisfy the requirements, then you will be called to an interview. Don't stress yourself out. There is nothing that should be confusing you. Just take it easy. There is no assurance that you will be called for an interview but you are being asked to prepare just in case. All this means is that you impressed the reviewer enough to end up on the "filler" list of the scholarship grantees.

Undergraduate / University of Waterloo AIF Reasons for choosing program and Waterloo (Software Engineering and CS) [2]

Zain, unfortunately, your response statement is not acceptable in terms of referencing why you chose to study Software Engineering and CS at UW. You are discussing personal reasons for choosing the course. You are not relating your choice of course to the criteria that you used when considering your university options. You have to consider what you want to learn and how the facilities, courses, and training offered by UW will help you achieve your full potential in these areas. You have academic reasons for choosing UW, explain how the university fulfills that requirement using specific references within the required character count. Focus on the specific contribution that the co-op program will make to your academic proficiency in these fields. Be UW specific because this current presentation is too common in reference that it can be used to refer to any university you are applying to. That is what makes it ill effective as a response.

Graduate / Motivation, plans and goals to make a breakthrough in construction industry and material science [5]

Afaf, paragraphs 1 and 2 should be removed from this essay as these are better presented in the statement of purpose of the essay. The reference to the 5th grade is not useful at all in either essay presentation. You should not use that reference at all in any of the EM essays. Additionally, you are only asked to write a motivation letter, so the goals aspect of the presentation should not be referenced in the essay either. The goals belong in the statement of purpose.

This essay is best focused on an expanded discussion of the 3rd paragraph, merging with the 5th paragraph (closing presentation) of this essay. You can write an effective motivational letter within 4-5 paragraphs. Expanding the objectives discussion will create a strong motivation presentation if discussed in an enhanced manner. The same applies to post study aims if presented in a manner that utilizes it as a part of the motivation for your desire to study this course.

What i see as lacking in this essay is the motivation to study overseas, in a specific country and Erasmus Mundus related university. By developing the motivation for your studies abroad, you further enforce the strength of your conviction that you can only get the best possible training by leaving your country. Explaining reasons why your country cannot fulfill your academic goals are part of the motivational aspect of the discussion.

Scholarship / Personal statement for KGSP, master of public health [5]

Mahsa, actually the scholarship is known as BOTH the KGSP and Global Korean Scholarship (GKS). Since the name change was only launched this year, the KGSP reference is still more widely used. You don't need to change the name of the scholarship when referencing it at this point. It is minor and will not help to improve the content of your essay. You will not be kicked out of the screening part for simply using the old name of the scholarship. The official use of the GKS name will happen over a period of time. As of now, both names are acceptable and does not have any bearing on your application. What matters is that you qualify for the program based on relevant information provided for consideration. If you don't qualify for the program, it doesn't matter if you are using the old or new name to refer to it.

I do not believe that this essay is ready for use. While your motivation for study is clear, your academic background and work experience in relation to the studies you want to pursue are too simplistic in presentation.

In the academic presentation, you are using a defeatist tone in describing your academic accomplishments. If you did so badly during your first round of studies, why should I think, as the reviewer, that you will do any better as a scholar? In fact, why should I give you a scholarship if you admit to being unable to perform academically, which is what a scholarship requires of its sponsored student? You need to create a more assuring academic background that refers to academic excellence and accomplishments.

You need to beef up your professional presentation by describing a memorable experience where you managed to accomplish something notable. You need to show achievements as a candidate. Everyone else will be boasting of far better, relevant, and impressive skills. This presentation will drown in that competition. Your research skills are also amateur at best. You have to justify this through the use of your college thesis. Describe its topic, goals, and methodology to prove that you have the research skills required of a masters student.

Additionally, you need to use academic reasons for choosing the university. That is, if you are applying through the university track. 5G internet is one of the worst reasons you can present for choosing a school. Delete that paragraph. Discuss the proficiency of Korea in public health management instead and then explain how you look forward to learning about those at the university. If possible mention specific programs or training the university offers to prove that you are familiar with the course requirements.