Undergraduate / Career in law - Help with UPenn Supplemental Essay [2]

Taylor, I do not believe that your response fits the prompt requirements because you are looking back on how you used your time to enhance your academic skills and other interests. The question though is how you will spend your time pursuing your academic and other interests at UPenn as a college student. Therefore, this is a forward thinking essay rather than a reminiscing essay as you have written here. The lacking part? The essay does not show that you are familiar with the university campus in terms of how you can pursue your major, and develop your other skills plus social interests while a student. The response needs to focus on that familiarity, with no aspect of flashback presentations. For example:

As a law student who wishes to focus on constitutional law, UPenn will help to continue my education after school hours because I plan on joining the debate team. Here I will engage in lively constitutional law debates...The Van Pelt Library shall be my second home as I peruse both print and electronic media available in relation to my interest in ...

The essay requires specific settings coming from the UPenn campus and the activities you will be involved in should be related to your major, but during off hours from your regular classes. I am afraid that you will have to do some major research for this essay because your current presentation is irrelevant and extremely weak when referring to the UPenn facilities. This essay is testing your knowledge of the university offerings. The reviewer wants to be sure that you are serious about your application and not just using the school as a back-up university. Unfortunately, the way you wrote this essay makes it sound like you are just positioning this university as such.

Undergraduate / I believe that some of the greatest successes stem from the act of persistence. UBC Personal Profile [3]

Imran, the quote from Michelle Obama is nothing more than an unnecessary word filler. The reviewer would rather hear more from you than reading a quote from someone else that you are using to explain your essay response. While the quote may be relevant, the fact that you are relying on someone else's words rather than your own voice creates a weak essay.

In all truth, the essay is at its strongest in the second paragraph. When you discuss how you admire your father because of his strength and resilience. You could actually build upon that to refer to what is important to you. Based on that paragraph, it appears that what is important to you is the strength that you get from the support of your family. The strength and importance of the family unit is also evident in that paragraph. Both of which are connected discussions that you could easily expand into a full 250 word response essay.

The weakest parts of this essay are the first and third paragraph. These do not really indicate what is important to you, only the second paragraph has that possible basis in terms of development. That is why I am suggesting that you focus on developing the second paragraph content for your new essay instead. Do not revise this version, it isn't going to work. You need a more focused and relevant essay to present to the reviewer. The second paragraph allows you that opportunity for a relevant "important" discussion.

Undergraduate / Film-making interest - USC Supplement [5]

In that case, I don't think that your last sentence in the essay should be included in this presentation. It makes it appear like you are planning to pursue this hobby academically because you stated


The statement indicates an academic pursuit while a student at the university. Removing it and simply stating that you hope to join the AVR club or something during your non-academic hours would be clearer in presenting the idea that it is a hobby and nothing more. The AVR club is a reference to how you plan to use the activity as a relaxation technique while at school, which is another way of approaching the essay prompt.

Clarity is of the utmost importance in your response essays. As you can see, there was a misconception produced by your last sentence. You have to be sure that you are responding to the essay in a manner that clearly adheres to the prompt requirements. My suggestion should help you clarify the presentation of your response.

Writing Feedback / In this era, people are facing major issue relating to the rising temperatures of the earth [3]

Muhammad, kindly familiarize yourself with English grammar writing rules. You need to learn about how to construct sentences properly using subject-verb agreements. The following sentence is improperly structured:

...every 100 city dwellers uses the water efficiently...
Correction: ... dwellers USE water efficiently...

You also have a conjunction usage misunderstanding as you used a comma in the following presentation when it was not needed:

...citizens could take shorter showers, and turn off the tap ...

You should also learn to use more descriptive adjectives in your essay so that your LR and GRA scores can be increased. For example, when you said:

...global climate is a serious problem these days...

The reference would have had more impact had you said :

...global climate is a severe problem...

There are other descriptive adjective improvements that could have been done throughout your essay but I believe that one example of how a properly described adjective can improve the impact of a sentence presentation.

Try to avoid writing run-on sentences by ending your sentences with one topic being presented in it. Remember, there is a minimum 3 sentence requirement for each paragraph and you failed to meet that requirement in the opening paragraph. The opening paragraph could have had 3 sentences if you had separated your responses for the separate questions in the direct response. That would have allowed you to better develop a sentence structure for each response presentation, which could have allowed for an increased GRA scoring consideration.

Avoid using research specific information such as statistics from the Indonesian agency. There is no internet access at the exam center. That is why you are always asked to use personal understanding, knowledge, and examples for these essays. It does not matter if your information is not accurate. What matters is that your English writing makes sense to the reader. Remember, do not research. You won't increase your scoring potential based on the exactness of your information, that doesn't count in the scoring bracket considerations.

Overall, this is an informative essay that is understandable to the reader. However, I wonder how well this essay could have been written by you had you not done research on the topic. My comment about the way the essay was presented and written is actually false-positive because you have researched information in this presentation. I wonder if you would have been able to present yourself in English, in an understandable manner, without the referenced information. I hope to see how you actually write based on personal knowledge in your next essay.

Undergraduate / Film-making interest - USC Supplement [5]

Jordan, you are not responding to the prompt. The prompt is asking the question "If you were not studying film-making, what would you be studying? What other learning interests do you have that do not relate to film-making?" The reviewer needs to get a complete idea of what your overall learning interests are. These interests need to be unrelated to the world of film-making or anything that inspired your interest in the craft of film-making.

You cannot use the story of your grandfather and how it ignited your interest in film-making. However, you could say that you would be interested to learn about Alzheimer's in relation to its causes, treatment, and care for patients because your grandfather suffers from it and you would like to properly care for him at home. Do not circle back and relate to film-making because your major is not a part of the discussion prompt.

Letters / I need a help for this Motivation letter in Msc Industrial engineering - China [2]

Driss, you cannot present your responses to the prompt requirements in an outline form. You must present the responses in a smooth transitional paragraph format that inter-relates or integrates the content of one paragraph to the next. That said, your current writing is choppy and, due to the lack of transition paragraphs, creates a confusing informational presentation. You must revise the whole essay into a cohesive and coherent paragraph format for this essay to properly work for the purposes you require it. Once this in proper essay form, I will get a better idea of how to improve the content presentation.

The reasons that you require the scholarship are too simple. There is only a personal reference to financial need which is not going to convince the reviewer that you deserve to be considered for this essay. If you can relate the financial need with a specific professional goal that you hope to achieve by completing this masters course, then you might be able to convince the reviewer to recommend you for a sponsorship. Sell the reviewer on what you have to offer, not what you want to gain from the scholarship.

The ancient story is not a good reason for wanting to study in China. The reference point for your desire to study there has to come from what you hope to learn from China in the field of IEM. It is not about university rankings, it is not about ancient stories, it is not about sayings about learning from Chinese. The reason needs to have a specific current application that can convince the reviewer that you will definitely be better off studying in China through a sponsorship as opposed to simply not giving yout he scholarship because your reasons for studying abroad could very easily be met by the offerings of your country's universities that offer the same masters programs.

Writing Feedback / What is it that excites me the most about a college. [4]

The academic goals that inspired your decision to apply to Union College are not spelled out in this essay. Your dreams have no place in the presentation if you cannot connect it specific laboratories, mentor programs, or course offerings at the university. I do not really sense any excitement in your essay when it comes to your learning expectations as a student at Union College. Your statement could actually be considered a general liberal arts reference which you can use to respond to the same prompt, just changing the name of the university. There is nothing that makes this response stand-out because you are not aiming to impress the reviewer with your professional ambitions as the university can help you achieve it.

If the inspiration for your choice of university is the lack of access to electricity in your country, then build your response around that. How does the idea of helping your countrymen gain access to electricity inspire your choice of university? Based on this personal goal, how do you see Union College inspiring you to achieve this task? The reference to the symposium is good, but underdeveloped. You need to mention that in reference to something specific that you hope to accomplish.

Don't use general references, that does not help you create an interesting paper. Go for specifics and try to write in a more active voice that engages the reviewer in an exciting conversation regarding the reasons you chose Union College.

Scholarship / Knowledge advancement - how to approach this Scholarship application question? [3]

For the first question, you need to approach it from a 5 year career plan consideration. Think about the educational requirements that you need to have to function properly and achieve your career goals over the short term. These will constitute you academic requirements. These academic requirements are what you should use to compare your goals and objectives with that of the university. Additionally, you may consider the academic curriculum and training programs offered as part of the masters course and discuss how these will be relevant to your field of study. These should be the main focus of the first question.

The second question needs you to respond directly. If this is your only choice university then say so and explain why that happened. If this is not the only university choice you have, then you will have to explain your university criteria when it comes to choosing the universities you will apply to. If you are applying for admission to a university overseas, explain why you cannot attend a masters course of a similar kind in your own country.

As for the third question, you definitely need to discuss your current financial situation in relation. That is not optional, that is not trivial. That is required and is of the utmost importance in this application essay. The problem, is that you say you need to support your family during your studies. That will prove to be trying because a scholarship student is normally not allowed to work during the duration of the academic year. The scholarship cannot be expected to support your family for you either. It would be best to skip that part in the presentation since the scholarship does not come with a work opportunity. The financial situation of your family in relation to your studies would be relevant to the discussion but the fact that you need to support your family financially is not the problem of the scholarship foundation.

Writing Feedback / IELTS II : Is it right to exclude males or females from certain professions because of their gender? [4]

Vike, your opening paraphrase is confusing as it does not represent a proper discussion topic nor discussion process indicator. It is not a very good presentation because you are not focusing on developing a sentence structure that clearly explains what the original prompt is about. An example of a clear prompt paraphrase is:

The male and female species tend to have a variation in terms of abilities. Men are seen as the stronger gender and women are the weaker sex. It is based on this perception that businesses tend to hire each gender. I believe that it is wrong to hire people in the workforce based on a bias regarding their abilities to perform a task.

Notice that my first sentence created a reproduction of the topic sentence in the original prompt. The second sentence, restated the reason for the discussion, and the third sentence, responded to the question posed in the original prompt. This completely represents the original prompt requirements in an original paraphrase.

While your sentence structures are problematic and have a great difficulty in expressing your thoughts, I managed to make out what you wished to say after a few repeated readings. This means that the passages you wrote create stress for the reader which will have a direct effect on your GRA plus C&C scores. Your LR usage is allowable to a certain extent although the mistakes sometimes create funny sentence structures that make the reader wonder what you wish to say. For example. I don't think you meant to say ancient people but rather "past generations" to indicate how gender beliefs functioned in previous decades.

Now, I will say that for a first timer, this is not a bad effort. You are at least making a decent effort at writing complex and simple sentences although you sometimes fail to do both. However, I know that as long as you have separate sentence structure development exercises, your essay writing skills will begin or continue to improve. As of now, I do not wish to score your efforts as I would you to focus on improving your overall skillset rather than focusing on specific areas but then allowing other points to suffer or degrade in writing quality. I will score your essays as I see the improvements happening. I'll give you a score when the time is right :-)

Writing Feedback / Taxes that support universal education taken in the case of attending to government-financed schools [4]

Annatha, your inability clearly express yourself in English is causing problems for you in the essay presentation. When it comes to your sentence structure and grammar usage, I would have to say that your work is tremendously bad. There is a lack of clarity in your explanations because it sounds like you were merely translating from your native tongue into English. A practice that led you to use English words on a piece-mill basis, which in turn, caused you to use English words that were not really applicable to the sentence and your thoughts, which resulted in unclear paragraph presentations and stressful reading references for the reader.

The problem is that you are focusing on impressing the reviewer with failed complex sentences. Your English vocabulary and writing abilities are not at the intermediate level yet. You are only at the improved beginners level. So you should not be trying to create these complex sentences using advanced English vocabulary and sentence structures yet. You should be practicing to write simple sentences using the task 2 prompts. If you can write clearly using simple sentences then you will find yourself slowly improving, without even trying, and writing complex sentences before you know it.

At this moment, this essay shows that you are making the effort to write complex sentences but have not achieved that objective. Due to that failure, the essay cannot be expected to receive a passing score. I hope that you will take my advice and show some improvement in your next practice essay.

Graduate / Motivation Letter for master degree in Biomedical Sciences University of Groningen [2]

Sabah, your dedication to research and learning is evident in this motivational letter. However, it is not strong enough to indicate that you have what it takes to become a good candidate for the program of your choice. While your desire to learn more and your perseverance in the face of potential failure depicts the type of character that might be successful as a masters degree student, it does not set you apart from the other candidates. Believe it or not, 99% of the candidates will share similar stories as yours with the reviewer.

Only 1% of the student applicants will stand-out to the reviewer because they present a unique aspect of their academic or professional training that makes them potentially more successful than the other applicants. The best way to compete with the other candidates is to highlight your academic and professional accomplishments that have called attention to your work. Present information about your student abilities and professional prowess that could help make this essay stand out from the others.

Right now, all this essay has going for it is your repeated reference to your desire to learn and ability to overcome obstacles. Your professional plans are god but nor impressive. There is no trailblazing reason for your interest in the program you are applying for so your desire to study the course comes across as only having a basic reference frame. There is nothing in your presentation that says your participation in the program will result in a heightened sense of education and professional accomplishment for you and future participants. There is no reference as to how you plan to shake-up, change, or improve the field once you return to your home country. Try to establish a more notable reason for your desire to complete this course that will show the reviewer that your participation will help to increase the notability of their masters program.

For a college application essay, those information would have been sufficient. The problem is that you are applying for advanced academic studies so simple traits such as yours as no longer sufficient and cannot be the only basis of your credentials to become a a good candidate for the masters program.

Writing Feedback / Speaking topic: Describe a memorable period or event from your childhood [3]

Hoa, when you write a conjunction, always remember to add a comma as in the case of "... some are happy, and some are sad". The same error exists in "... is quite unhappy, and I ..." along with "... 2 weeks, but she..." There are several other instances of the missing comma in relation to a conjunction in your essay which I am sure you can spot for yourself now that you have an idea of how the conjunction with a comma is used in sentence structures.

In a written and oral speech, you must avoid using contractions in your presentation due to the formal nature of the discussion. In an academic and professional paper, it is never correct to say "didn't". It is always presented as "did not." Neither should you say "couldn't", it is always "could not". Also, since you are writing a speech that should be conveying animated emotions or reactions, use more descriptive adverbs such as "... my father came up and he was incredibly angry" since it offers a more emotional imagination of the scene than "... he was very angry." By the way, since you are recalling a vivid memory, you should say "I remember the day vividly" instead of "... day evidently." Evidently refers a way that is clear and understood but since you are describing the image of a scene, you should say vividly as it is more applicable as a descriptive adverb.

Overall, the speech has potential. The listener will be able to make sense of the speech, provided you speak clearly and loudly so that you can be understood by the audience. This is not a bad effort at writing an English speech. I know you can show improvements in the future.

Writing Feedback / Causes and solutions of anti-social behaviors and disrespectful attitudes towards others. [2]

Ho, I'd like to start with a review of your grammar problems. I need to point out that you have to make sure that you never write the pronoun "I" in lower case. It is the only pronoun reference in both UK and American English that requires it to always be written in upper case / capital letter form. This is the general, unbending rule for that first person pronoun usage and you made the mistake of writing the pronoun in lower case in your essay.

As for your spelling errors, these occurred because you spelled the words like behaviors in the English manner instead of the UK manner which is behaviours. While the examiner will make allowances for the spelling differences between the two languages, you would get a higher LR score for using the UK alternative spelling for the words. Try to familiarize yourself with the way UK words differ in spelling from the American counterparts. You have shown that you did not proof read your essay prior to submission because you have misspelled words such as "lak" instead of "lack".

With regards to your adjective use, since you are trying to impress the examiner with your word usage and you want to create an impression when it comes to the use of English words, it would be better for you to use more descriptive adjectives in the essay. For example, rather than saying "great role models", you could have opted to use the more impressive adjective presentation of "significant role models". The phrase raises the impression of your writing skill from basic to intermediate.

Considering your prompt paraphrase, the first sentence you created is not too different from the original presentation so your GRA and LR scores will not be helped by the presentation. You need to make sure that you present the prompt in a totally different manner, but still keeping the original prompt topic and discussion requirements clear to the reader. It is also too short to prove that you properly rephrased the prompt. In this instance, you were supposed to present direct responses regarding the causes and solutions for the given problem. A sample presentation would be:

Society portrays an increasing unfriendly attitude towards others. This is heightened by an obvious disrespect for those around them. Some causes of this problem include social discrimination and lack of good manner and moral conduct both at home and in school. Possible solutions related to the causes include better education at school regarding social behaviors and requiring parents to teach their children about the difference between acceptable and non-acceptable social behaviour.

This being a direct question essay that requires two discussion topics per paragraph, you need to become familiar with transition phrases and sentences that help to connect the two ideas in one presentation. Do not use terms such as "social revolutions" as "revolution" is often associated with war and the essay is not begging for something so extreme to be done to resolve the problem. You could have said "A number of social change programs" or "A number of social change advocacies", both phrases are not combative and align itself more with the prompt requirements.

You know what? Your opinion should have been presented as a part of the direct response sentences in the prompt paraphrase paragraph. It would have been more effective there are opinions are normally part of the paraphrase since it establishes part of the discussion outline. It is misplaced as the topic sentence of the first reasoning paragraph.

Your concluding summary is good but would have been better if your summarized the solutions proposed and placed a period at the end of the sentence to indicate the close of the paragraph. As it is, it appears that your sentence is not completed because of the lacking punctuation mark. This is an error that will have an effect on your GRA score as you show a lack of ability to use punctuation marks in the correct manner.

Undergraduate / My limitations. Motivation Essay for FLTA Program [2]

Rafael, the FLTA is a scholarship that hopes to promote both an educational and cultural exchange among its foreign participants and U.S. counterparts. The requirements are clear in reference to the candidates that they prefer as applicants. These are foreign students who have some sort of English related degree such as an ESL trained professional, Journalism, English Studies, and American or English Literature majors. You must also have a higher than merely passing IELTS or TOEFL score. Most importantly, you must portray yourself to be a professional and dependable with a character of integrity.

Based on these requirements, your essay is not truly describing why you will make for a good candidate in relation to the program. Your essay is more of a woeful background story that is trying to make the reviewer pity you so much that he might, without consideration for your lack of qualifications as required by the program and not portrayed in the essay, grant you the scholarship. That is not how the system works.

The essay requires you to define yourself as a strong candidate. Ask yourself what you have to offer the program that the other candidates may not be able to. What makes you a better candidate than the other person? How would your cultural background help to enhance the FLTA experience? What can your American counterparts learn from you, which can help improve the teaching system in America (a requirement)? Think of all the reasons that you feel will render you as a unique and stand out candidate for the program then write the essay.

Undergraduate / What do you hope to reach by participating in the Summer Institutes? The main reasons for attending [2]

Cezar, the first 2 paragraphs of this essay are only repetitions of the same intention, described in 3 different ways. I suggest that you simply compress the information into one paragraph that does not start with "Since I was a kid" because that is a term that reviewers are extremely tired of reading and is a phrase they do not believe because a "kid" doesn't have any ambition in life except to play, eat, sleep, and sometimes go school because they have to. It would be best if you start this essay from the 3rd paragraph instead. This time, using an adult reference to your interest in attending the program. Forget the backstory. That isn't important. What is important is the response to the question, "What do you hope to gain...?"

With reference to your discussion about the United States, I do not advice you to state that America is the country you dream to live in due to immigration concerns within the country at the moment. Do not make it sound like you would quite possibly be an illegal immigrant at the end of the term because of the "country I dream to live in" reference in your essay. You also said that you decided that you want to live in America, both serious reasons to question your application and very strong motives to get your application rejected. If you frame it to make you seem interested to merely visit the country, with the full intention of returning to your home country at the end of the tern you might have a better chance for consideration. Support the return with information about how you will share the information you gain with your countrymen to emphasize the desire to leave the country and not stay longer than you have to.

I strongly urge you to make this essay more definitive using academic goals / reasons for your desire to become a participant in the program. You are not really presenting any believable reasons for your participation in this essay. Neither are your intentions for attending the program related to academic and potential professional objectives. That is why your application is weak. What it does have, are strong reasons to reject your application based on your strong desire to live in America. If this application is seen by the reviewer as a mere step towards achieving that goal, you can expect an immediate rejection of your application.

Undergraduate / Sick Mom - What is important to you? And why? (maximum 250 words) for UBC [2]

This is a good start to the essay. Just remember to balance the presentation between what the community did for you during the time of your mother's illness and how you and your family gave back to them when the time came to do so. It is important to show how community relationships have become very important to your life and the focal point of your relationships. The importance needs to be highlighted using at least 2-3 reasons, with proper examples and strong explanations. Since you have 250 words with which to do this, I do not see any problem with developing your essay discussion in a proper manner. You are right about needing to expand the essay and adding substance to it. Right now, this just feels like the first paragraph of what should turn out to be a 3 - 5 paragraph essay. Go ahead and add information and explanations to the essay. I am sure this will be all the better once those additions are made.

Writing Feedback / The human activities on our earth make some animal species becoming extinct [3]

Vaya, you have not written this essay under realistic considerations. You have done actual research in an effort to create an impressive, based on knowledge essay. Since you will not have internet access at the exam center, since this test is pen and paper based, you are not practicing under a proper exam setting. You will not be able to write any essay topic response properly if you get used to doing research before writing your practice essay.

Your knowledge regarding the topic is not as important as your ability to present simple and complex English sentence in the proper grammatical structure. That is actually the biggest problem of this essay presentation. It is confusing to read because of the improper sentence presentations. It also shows that you do not have the ability to properly structure even a simple sentence in English. Therefore, this essay will be scored severely low in terms of Coherence and Cohesiveness, Lexical Resource, and Grammar Range and Accuracy considerations. You might not be able to pass the test using this type of presentation.

Work on improving your English sentence presentations. Do not write using internet research. Write using a timer set to 40 minutes to complete the task. You have the right idea for your presentation, it is just the English skill that is lacking at this point. Do not rely on non-existent tools at the exam center so that you can get a better idea of your actual essay writing skills.

Undergraduate / I've always wanted to be an astronaut. UGRAD [2]

Camila, your essay lacks a direct reference to reasons that you will make a good candidate. These considerations would be on a personal, academic, and other interests basis. Your essay is extremely creative in presentation but fails to deliver actual evidence of your strengths that would help to create the idea that you would make a good candidate for the UGrad program. Every presentation in your essay is more theoretical and imaginative in presentation, thus leaving the reviewer to wonder what actual strengths you have that will make you a good candidate for the program. Also, you are focused on what you can gain from the program, but you neglect to inform the reviewer about what your participation in the program will bring. What benefits will your joining the program bring to the participants? How do you plan to be an instrument of international relations and diplomacy during your time with the program? You are missing out on presenting the reasons that qualify you based on your interests in Diplomacy and International Services.

Writing Feedback / People make differentiation on skills and ability between women and men; IELTS2 [2]

Tias, your essay will be considered in deviation of the prompt requirements because you created a new discussion point different from the original. Look at it this way:

Original Prompt Topic: Women and men are commonly seen as having different strengths and weaknesses.
Original Discussion Prompt: Is it right to exclude males or females from certain profession because of their gender?

You changed the above to:
Your Prompt Topic: It is disagree that it is incorrect to include gender in several jobs
Your Discussion Prompt: This essay will discuss about double standard within female and male that leading to discrimination, secondly discuss about how double standard inhibit people to do something that they want.

Correct Prompt Paraphrase: Men and women are often seen to have different abilities when it comes to the workplace. These could be physical or mental differences which lead to the person not being hired for the job. I believe that it is wrong to not hire people based on perceived weaknesses of a specific gender and hiring a person based on the understanding of a particular gender's strengths.

The essay is not about gender discrimination, but it is about the double standard in hiring men and women. Therefore, your essay only partially responds to the prompt requirements because you added a discussion topic "gender discrimination" which was not part of the original presentation. The original presentation was only about the strengths and weaknesses of each gender, there was no indication that the person was not being hired just because one is a man or woman. Rather, the prompt indicates that the person is not being hired due to the perceived weaknesses of each specific gender. The discussion is asking if you agree that a person should not be hired because of gender, based on the given reasons in the prompt. It has nothing to do with gender discrimination based solely on double standards. Therefore your response does not correctly discuss the given discussion points.

Your reasoning paragraphs do not focus on strengths and weaknesses but on whether one gender wears make-up or not, or the embarrassment of being considered for a job that is normally for men. You did not focus on the mental and physical strengths and weaknesses that the essay was referring to. This led to a different discussion that was based on gender discrimination using non-prompt related topics instead. When writing a Task 2 essay, your discussion must not use information not included in the original prompt otherwise you risk getting a failing score in the TA section, which means your essay may not get a chance at a passing score after all other errors in your writing are considered.

Graduate / PS for Columbia University Master of Science in Data Science (Part-time); once dismissed from PhD [6]

The undergraduate focus is meant to show that you have been building on your academic knowledge in relation to your professional goals. The reason why I want you to strengthen that is because it is the foundation of your professional goals, experiences, and master studies. Yes, you should also focus on your masters degree to a certain extent. However, showing the balance of the prior undergraduate experience to support your abilities as a masters degree student will help to heighten the idea that you are a strong person when it comes to academic considerations. The approach that I was suggesting was meant to do that. What seems childish to you may be of importance to the reviewer. Most specially since you were once dismissed from your PhD course. That is why I am leaving no stone unturned in proving your academic proficiency. However, if you do not feel that it works with the way you want to write the paper then you don't have to follow it. Mine is only free advice so you can use it, or not. It all depends upon what you want to present in the paper because in the end, it is all about what you want to say about yourself, not how I want you to say it in your paper :-)

Undergraduate / "The Seminar Paper" - Princeton "Person who has influenced you" essay [3]

As far as I am concerned, this is a very well written essay. It developed very well from the general discussion of who Lucas is, what he accomplished, and how that managed to influence your sense of maturity and definition of the world around you. I would like to think that this would be one of the more competitive essays that will be presented to the reviewer for this application cycle. It is important to note that you were able to branch out the definition of what Lucas developed into an everyday setting. That shows the degree of influence that this man has had on your life. However, I would have liked to see you question the man's theories and claims to a certain extent. It appears that you are taking what he advocated for hook, line, and sinker, which is something that he was advocating against. So aside from that small observation, I believe this is as strong an essay as any that can be presented to the reviewer with the rest of your application documents.

Scholarship / 2019 KGSP-G Personal Statement, Public Relation, the unseen heroes in a company [2]

Your education and work experience narrative is too long. That is why your essay ran over one page. Do not start from high school. Since you are interested in enrolling in a masters course, start from college. You are speaking of a career path change here so you will need to cut short the reference to your law school studies and focus on how your interests changed when you started your internship instead. That would show a relevant work experience reference and possibly, integrate your law school education in the process.

Since you seen to be enrolling via the university track, it would be better if you further developed your reasons for choosing this university other than the ranking of the university and its being a recipient of government awards. While those are valid reasons, those are not personal nor academically and professionally inclined reasons. Replace the generic information with a reference to the educational opportunity the university offers that aligned itself with your requirements for your higher academic studies. What sort of educational gaps did you have in Indonesia or in your working experience that you hope to learn about as a student at the university. How does the university teach this? Why will that teaching method be beneficial to you?

Basically, you can shorten the presentation by editing paragraphs 2 and 3. Try to merge the content into a shorter paragraph so that you will be able to discuss your university choice a little bit more. As for your internship, there is no need to explain that there was a short staffing problem. Rephrase that paragraph to instead offer the relevant information relating to your change in work / career direction. That is more important than the other elements you are presenting in that paragraph.

Scholarship / I am a good candidate for UGRAD Program, because of high motivation and desire to develop myself [2]

Nadia, the first half of your essay and the reference to Condoleeza Rice make it appear that you are seeking a semester abroad in order to become some sort of immigrant to the United States after the semester is over. Since the U.S. has strict immigration policies at this time, it would be better for you to reframe those presentations to indicate a desire to study, without a reference to the quote or the reference to your family's inability to pay for your education abroad. In fact, you should revise this whole essay because it does not show any of your strengths as a student, a community member, or as a person, that would make you a good candidate for the scholarship. Since this is an academic scholarship, you need to highlight your academic proficiency and your community service accomplishments. The community service accomplishments can be in passing since there are separate essays that would allow you to better discuss those aspects. Just make sure to highlight your intention to be a bridge between the Ukraine and the United States in an effort to promote cooperation and international relations between the two countries.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2: Women and Men Commonly Having Different Strengths and Weakness [3]

Dini, let's start with the grammatical problems in your essay. You have made a grammatical error regarding word usage in the following sentence:

as menanwomen have different ability
- you were making a comparison of two genders therefore it is not "an" but "and". In addition, "ability" is singular but since you are discussing two genders, the plural form "abilities" should be used.

- I would like argue
- would like TO argue
- There should be a change in the plain verb form

There are also clarity problems in the essay which relate to your word choice usage. Since those problems are only presentational in effect, I have opted not to point those out in the essay. The word usage does not change the meaning of the sentence or paragraph anyway.

Your prompt paraphrase is confusing in presentation and does not accurately depict a retelling of the original discussion and its direct response requirements. This should have been written as:

Males and females are often seen as having a specific skillset that one excels in over the other. That is why some professions, such as those that rely on physical strength and dexterity, tend to exclude either the man or woman from the performance of work tasks. In my opinion, excluding either gender based on a gender abilities cannot be considered right.

You need to be careful when you write words and make sure to review your essay before submitting. A "Tome" is a a book, especially a large, heavy, scholarly one. While "To me" is a direct reference to the writer. It is the latter that you wish to depict in your writing.

You have included research information in this essay. It is not possible to complete internet based research during the actual test since this a pen and paper exam. There will not be any reference materials available and even if there were, 40 minutes to complete the writing will prevent you from doing research. Again, use only personal knowledge and experience for any and all discussions. It is not about the accuracy of the information but the ability to write in English that is being scored in this essay. Keep your sentence short as you have a tendency to create multiple run-on sentences in one paragraph.

Undergraduate / "Dynamic word" - My application prompt for UBC: Tell us about who you are. [5]

Mohammad, not only did you go over the word count, but you failed to respond to the prompt discussion requirement as well. So the reviewer will read this and most likely stop considering your application to the college because you have shown an inability to respond properly to English instructions. The requirement clearly states that you must give the reviewer an idea of how other people view you as a person, sibling, and / or community member. Therefore, you cannot use the first person pronoun in this essay. Yet you continued to discuss this essay from your personal point of view and you totally disregarded the prompt topic regarding how other people would describe you. Therefore, you cannot submit this response essay. It fails to deliver the required information to the reviewer. I have explained to you what you have to present, the understanding of you as a person based on other people's interaction with you. Write an essay that properly represents the required point of view. Not this personal insight into who you are and what you believe your notable accomplishments are.

Writing Feedback / People activities in sea as well as on land lead to the damaging environment; Ielts 2 [2]

Agro, you definitely have a problem when it comes to sentence structure, grammar, and vocabulary. However, these weaknesses do not detract from the understanding of your presentation. Through your imperfect English sentences, you have still managed to write an understandable paragraph that has a clear topic, supporting ideas, and examples (when possible). However, you have a tendency to use two topics in one paragraph which often leads to the under developed second topic explanation. Try to develop only one topic per paragraph for clarity and cohesiveness purposes. Leave the next topic for the next paragraph. That is easy to do since you have a total of 5 reasoning paragraphs allowable in each essay. You also need more consistency in your presentation. Do not use counting words in the middle of the essay or the paragraph if you did not start the paragraph by using such a reference. It creates confusion with the reader who has to then go back to the start of the paragraph to try to find out if they missed something in the presentation because of the sudden change in presentation format. Don't worry though, you properly accomplished the task requirements, including a relevant concluding summary.

While you have written the appropriate number of paragraphs and sentences per presentation, you have written too many words. Try to stay within the ideal word count of 250-300 words with 275 being the ideal presentation number because writing more than that deprives you of the opportunity to work on further improving your sentence and paragraph presentations, revising the essay for clarity purposes, and editing the content to be better understood by the reader.

Since this is your first essay with us, I am not going to score your work as of now. Only major observations of your problem points are necessary so that you can develop those parts in your next practice essay presentation. If I see enough improvement to warrant a scoring system, I will let you know exactly how and why you will be receiving such scores in that practice test.

Writing Feedback / Human activities and industrial waste become the main reasons regarding extinctions of animal life [3]

Herdi, contrary to the advice given to you above, it is not possible to write 500 words during this 40 minute essay writing task because of the requirements of the essay. You must be able to read, understand, brainstorm, draft, review, revise, edit, and finalize the content of the essay, in English, within 40 minutes. On the contrary, the longest essay that you can write, being an ESL speaker will be between 275-300 words. That is a guaranteed word range based on the requirements of the essay. The next time you write a practice essay, use a timer, that will be the best way to assume how many words you might be able to write given a particular topic during the actual test. Remember, you have editing consideration to allot time for as well so don't use up all 40 minutes just drafting the essay.

Now, it is fairly obvious to the reader that you have done extensive research, most likely internet based research for this essay. That is why it is highly technical in discussion and offers highly researched discussion points. Kindly remember that you are taking a pen and paper test at the center. That means you will not have access to internet sources during the test. Therefore, you will only be able to use what little or extensive knowledge you have, based on personal knowledge and experience to write the essay. That is another reason why you will be unable to write 500 words during the actual test.

The advice given to you regarding the 3-5 sentence minimum and maximum requirement is correct though so you should keep that in mind when writing your paragraphs. Now, it will be better for me to not consider this essay as your first practice test. The first essay is always the one that I base my advice for correction upon. While your essay is clearly presented in terms of reasoning, it requires a shortening of discussion. Therefore, for your next practice test, try to make yourself understood in English within the required sentence allotment. I will begin a more in-depth analysis of your next essay because I hope to see you present a more properly formatted essay at that point.

By the way, since this is a direct question essay, please begin the statement by rephrasing the prompt for discussion and then offering 2 more sentences that directly respond to the questions provided. These 2 responses will be the topic sentences for your reasoning paragraphs. The opening paragraph basically serves to help you outline the discussion presentation every time so take the time to properly understand the discussion instructions then address it properly in the first paragraph. It will make it easier for you to write the reasoning paragraphs because you have already outlined and mapped your discussion topics beforehand.

Undergraduate / Waterloo for enrich my education and make me a well-rounded candidate for biomedicine. [3]

Hi Catherine, I find this to be one of the more well written, properly considered responses for this application. You have made your reasons for choosing Waterloo clear as far as the two majors you have chosen are concerned. I can clearly see that you have given proper consideration to the benefits of studying at the university and you have taken the time to look into the course offerings, Co-op system of education, and other programs related to both courses. In fact, you have done such a good job in your presentation that you were able to create a seamless merging of the two course considerations, their specific requirements, and your academic goal into such a comprehensive paragraph that you have shown how each course can work hand in hand with the other. Good job! I believe this will be one of the memorable Why Waterloo statements the reviewer will read.

Writing Feedback / Essay on Construction Regulation in Cities [2]

Pham, be consistent in your presentation. When you count out the reasons for a discussion such as your reference to "Firstly" in the second paragraph, then the second paragraph should present a second reason by indicating "Secondly". Since you did not follow through on the counting presentation, then you should not have started with it in the first place. After all, your second reasoning paragraph showcased the opposing discussion. Use topic sentences at the start of every reasoning paragraph instead. That creates a clearer discussion presentation for the reader. By the way, you cannot go over 5 sentence per paragraph. That is the maximum requirement. You went over that number in the second paragraph. Keep it short but informative because you need to leave enough time to reconsider your discussion points, improve upon the ideas presented, and revise or edit the content for clarity and sentence structure considerations. There is also the question of your essay not being properly concluded. You continued to discuss the topic provided in the last paragraph, then neglected to present a concluding summary. This would affect the TA section of your essay and could reduce your score because you did not complete the essay parts presentation which is composed of a prompt paraphrase, 2-3 reasoning paragraphs, and a concluding summary.

Undergraduate / "An out-of-district student" - What about being a student at BU most excites you? [3]

Ofek, this essay sounds more like you want to become part of the Oak Part community, rather than Boston University. You are only using the university, as per the presentation in this essay, to become part of the community that you have always wanted to become a part of. That is the weakest and most irrelevant reason for choosing a university to study at. Your total essay, when you remove the Oak Park reference, does not indicate a clear reason for your decision to apply to BU. All of your reasons are generic, without basis, and without a clear academic and professional aspiration that led you to choose BU. What is it about BU's academic offering, in relation to your chosen major, that you feel best aligns with your desires for a relevant education? How does this academic interest, as responded to by a BU education offer you an opportunity to achieve your career goals? There are no definite responses to that question in the essay because you focused on the wrong aspect for the discussion. I believe you will have to write a new essay that better responds to the question considerations for a Why BU essay.

Research Papers / Research Paper for ENG 102 on the effects of divorce on children [2]

Kelly, you must complete your reference to a thesis statement in your opening paragraph. That cannot be left for the first sentence of the second paragraph because the second paragraph is already the discussion proper where additional information and references may be made for the discussion. The first paragraph is supposed to introduce the topic, outline the discussion points, and refer the reader to a solid thesis statement that will be addressed throughout the essay.

Try to avoid ending each paragraph with a quotation. That shows a lack of proper research and learning regarding the discussion on your part. Always try to explain the quotation in relation to the upcoming discussion instead. This may require you to use one or two more sentences in the paragraph to complete the process but that is alright. It is better to transition rather than have an unclear paragraph presentation. Professors do not score essays and research papers that close paragraphs on quotations very highly so it is best for you to aim for the smoothest paragraph presentation, with an emphasis on an explanation of the quote with every paragraph presented.

The essay also seems to use too many quotes and paraphrases rather than discussion sentences based on your understanding of the information you came to learn about during your research. Try to lessen those quotes and paraphrases to make the essay seem more authoritative and less of a cut and paste production, which it comes across as at the moment.

Undergraduate / IVEY (Business school supplementary essay) It needs to be shortened roughly 100 words! [2]

The first sentence of the essay is incomplete. It lacks a proper subject with which to introduce the topic to the reader. You must revise that to create a better idea of what the discussion will be about. Throughout the essay, you have only showcased your ability to teach others and a commitment to do so. Now, while the essay shows a breadth of learning, expertise, and desire to teach others on your part, there is very little to no reference to initiative and teamwork in the essay. This could have been accidentally omitted due to your lack of fluency in the English language, or you accidentally left these sections out of the essay because you became too focused on the areas that are your strong suit. You were actually supposed to use 3 different activities to represent the required character traits, but your essay focuses only on teaching and tutoring, which are the same thing in meaning and scope. So you have to pick 2 other activities that are not teaching related to better address all of the prompt requirements.

Undergraduate / Women of Color and Strong Business Fields - Yale Significant Issue Question [2]

Ngozi, try to control your own temper when writing this essay as nobody is arguing with you. Instead try to keep an even and academic tone in your presentation. phrases such as "bastard child" do not have a place in an academically written interview. You are portraying too much anger at Colorism to the point where it comes across as you being combative with everyone around you. That is not the image nor meaning you wish this essay to portray. Remember, this is a written interview, so present yourself in the best light possible by omitting any combative tones or phrases.

There is also an unclear sentence in this essay: ...success when the people the surround you cultivate ... I believe you were trying to say "... when the people THAT surround you..." Was I right? If so, then change the reference word to make the meaning of the sentence clearer.

Rather than saying that you hate a situation, indicate that you "dislike" it and you would like to change that concept in your own way. Hate is such a strong and combative word. Like I said, you must keep an even tone and temper in the presentation by presenting logical discussions rather than challenging the reader to a debate with every paragraph you complete. Nobody is fighting with you. The reviewer is looking forward to hearing your thoughts, just not in such a fiery manner of presentation.

Undergraduate / Common app essay prompt 5 discussing my interest in Physics [3]

John, the topic you have chosen to discuss is very good. However, it does not fit the prompt requirement. You need to speak of an event, accomplishment, or realization that takes place in an instant. Not over such a long period of time. Most specially, you are to discuss a new understanding of yourself in relation to your dealing with other people or a new understanding of people around you based upon a "maturing" event in your life. This is not an essay that should lengthily discuss the development of your interest in Physics. This is not a personal statement. The topic you have chosen to discuss showcases the development of that interest, rather than a period of personal growth and / or understanding of others. The prompt you have chosen requires you to show a change in your mindset, treatment of others, or an understanding of something that used to be alien or confusing to you. Therefore, I do not believe that you have chosen the correct prompt to discuss with this topic. If you would like to use this essay, then go with the open prompt topic instead. That way you won't have to change the essay as it suits the "personal statement" nature of that prompt. I hope to consider my suggestion.

Undergraduate / CommonApp prompt 1. I tried to mix my own "unique voice" to it. This is the aftermath. [2]

Munkhbat, towards the end of the essay, you claim to be building a website based on Python. It would be better if your can work the reference to the website into the beginning or towards the middle of the essay. The website needs to show something of interest to you, other than Python programming, but also allow you to explain why you used Python for this particular site development. That way you can present an "interest and talent" as indicated in the prompt. If your essay is broken down into the following parts, you should be able to cover all 3 (optional) aspect of prompt 1:

1. Explain why Mongolian children are limited when it comes to internet information retrieval;
2. Use that explanation as the foundation for your interest in building a website for Mongolian student users;
3. What programs you considered learning then the reason you chose Python;
4. How YouTube helped you learn the program;
5. Where you went for additional information
6. The current status of the website;
7. Concluding paragraph.

Using the above list of information presentation, you should produce an essay that is closer to delivering expected information for prompt 1. It is more intricate and will allow the reviewer to get to know more about you, your learning style, and the type of student you might be at the university.

Essays / A teenager who is an extrovert will have a more fulfilling life than one who is an introvert [3]

One way of interpreting this essay is to look at it from two points of view. One, from the point of view of an introvert, who is someone who would rather spend quiet time doing solitary activities. These solitary activities somehow manages to help him fulfil moment in his life. He is someone who know how to enjoy his own company and does not require validation from others to be fulfilled with his life undertakings and accomplishments. An extrovert, is a socially dependent person who is the opposite of the introvert. An extrovert requires validation from others in order to find fulfillment and satisfaction in his life. Now that you know the definition of the two in based on the meaning of each word, you should be able to find a way to write the essay. It would be better though if you can find the instructions regarding how you are expected to write it so that you can write the essay as required by your teacher.

Undergraduate / A Narrative Essay about a Personal Struggle - Common Application [3]

Khalid, if you have written this essay for the obstacles that you encountered in life that you had to overcome, then you did a very good job of representing the obstacle and the way you overcame it. However, a little backstory is involved. You are starting the story in the middle. Give the reviewer a backgrounder as to how you ended up in this situation. I know that it will require you to present more personal information than you are comfortable sharing with a stranger. However, the sense of pride, the ability to overcome the obstacle, the importance of the topic, all relies on the backstory. What was your life before your parents went to jail? Why did they go to jail? How did you react to it? Only by providing the before will be aftermath make more sense to the reader. The special circumstances and how you overcame it will also gain a more significant sense once the reviewer gets to know why the things you did in order to survive is not something that you are used to nor did you ever expect to face.

Undergraduate / ALA ESSAY - ILLITERACY PROBLEM AND SOLUTION- 683 WORDS [2]

Steven, you misinterpreted the prompt. You are not being asked about a national need, which is what illiteracy is all about. You are being asked to identify a problem within your community that you observed, addressed, and succeeded in helping to improve in terms of situations. So, while illiteracy is also a community problem, you have taken it on based on a national context. If you revise the essay discussion to be more community based, you will have a more properly targeted response for your essay. You just need to revise the first half of the essay that led to your choosing to address illiteracy. Take it from the national to the local scale. Downscale your presentation to have community influences and targets instead. That means changing the first half of the essay that refers to data from the national newspaper and your first paragraph so that the paragraph explains how you came to this discovery instead. Only the first half of the essay needs to be addressed. the last half is alright and highly impressive to learn about in relation to your community need discovery and solution.

Undergraduate / Princeton Supplemental Essay on Culture (650 words) [2]

Vincent, While this sojourn of yours into the LGBTQ community during Pride Day is an interesting look at an alternative culture, you discussed the entire thing from an observers point of view rather than from the more effective participant's point of view. As such, you prevented yourself from truly experiencing the cultural event, which weakened the essay presentation. Personally, I believe that the more connected response to this prompt would have been a description of your family background and how that related to your ability to come out to them, or not. That way you can discuss how culture truly has an effect, both of the positive and negative kind, on a person. This essay is asking you to discuss your personal culture and how you have grown, evolved, and participated in its development. While your essay also works, I don't feel that it is strong enough to represent an effective cultural look in relation to who you were, who you are, and who you will become. Those are the elements that the reviewer will be looking for in your response essay which you should strive to represent.

Undergraduate / Waterloo Engineering AIF: Why Systems Design at UW? [3]

Joy, since you were not able to build up the discussion for your interest in the Management course, you can safely remove that from the essay so that your response will be more complete and focused on your primary course. I feel as if you have fully considered how Waterloo can help you achieve your academic interests, but you have not tried to create a wider and more specific connection beyond the co-op program. Everyone will respond with the co-op program as the primary reasonf or choosing the university. There has to be a unique reason on your part that pushed you to choose the university. You need that different response to help your application response stand out and create a memorable impression on the reviewer.

What other academic theoretical and practical offerings does the university allow you to participate in that will help you develop both your academic and personal skills? Try to create a balanced response that reflects a personal development interest aspect in the presentation to even it out. Such a response responds to the "Why Waterloo" question on both a personal, academic, and professional goal basis.