Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1: NEW RESIDENTIAL CONSTRUCTION [3]

@hellomango
Evade unnecessary data. In addition, ensure that you make your sentence construction concise and technical as much as possible because it'll benefit your entire essay. This is especially important if you are writing informative essays that are analytical.

Let's take a look at your essay and deconstruct a few portions.

There are instances wherein you cam omit particular data, especially if you are repeating them already. Having hold of this technique will let you develop your ideas in a clearer manner because you would not waste time merely repeating the same things.

This was observed in your first paragraph; I would revise this portion as:

The line graph illustrates the number of single-family houses in the United States from 2006 to 2012. In a period of six years, there was a significant decrease in the construction of houses in various periods of time. Fluctuations persist.

Notice how I had restructured the paragraph to make sure that I do not repeat the same terminologies (not unless necessary). Using appropriate terminologies (ie. saying fluctuations persist instead of fully describing the trend as both mean the same thing) is also important.

Keep these in mind as you are editing. Best of luck!

Scholarship / Total International Schorlarship Application [2]

@Stefanovic
Are you working within a specific word count?

There are lot of unexplained utterances in your essay that can be better phrased through providing thorough detail on the account of your application. For instance, you can discuss more about how specifically the scholarship has given benefits to the oil and gas industries. Do they hold collaborative projects that encourage enhanced research for the topic at hand? Moreover, you could have also tackled how the prospects of the organization has affected its outlook. Discuss how the qualifications for its members are accummulated - and how this can impact the overall flow of the essay.

If you can add more details to your essay that are both personal and professional, then merging these descriptions would reap the most benefits for your application. Discuss extensively your personal experiences that have made you passionate for your program, making you a great candidate for the scholarship. Discuss about the professional accomplishments you've had that have made you qualified for the program.

Best of luck!

Writing Feedback / Tax increase on fast-food industry - IELTS task 2 - evaluation and grading [2]

@anchen259
Evade unclear sentence construction. This creates unnecessary wordings in your essay that would cloud its overall meaning. What I recommend is a more straightforward approach to writing, especially if you are working within the constraints of word count. On top of this, using appropriate words (based on context of your sentence) are necessary.

For instance, in your introductory paragraph, I recommend phrasing things as:

Junk foods have been gaining popularity in the modern world, causing the rise of health concerns. Although it is reasonable to introduce stricter policies for resolution, I firmly believe that the drawbacks have to be considered.

[...]

It can also be noticed in your second paragraph. In your second sentence here, you could have said here that the profit-oriented nature of the fast food industry makes them less concerned about the unhealthy composition of their products. Instead of doing this, you used terms such as bringing in large number of profit or mentioning that it is an obviously clear issue. Eradicating these unnecessary terms is crucial.

Best of luck!

Writing Feedback / The Pros And Cons of Social Media and Digital Communication to People [2]

@KeithSun
I commend your writing skills. It's appreciated how you are able to merge together short and lengthy sentences to create a more dynamic flow in the essay. Aside from this, I do have a few recommendations to polish your essay.

First and foremost, I suggest that you try to omit words that do not add to the substance of the essay. This is not to say that you should evade using adjectives - rather, it means that you should try to create concise sentences that do not have repetitive thoughts. This will help you avoid being non-linear in your writing.

For instance, in the second paragraph, you kept mentioning social media and digital communication over and over again. This has caused the essay to have unnecessary length that dragged its overall value. I would recommend that you try to lessen these words, or perhaps you can use more concise languages. Synonymous terms will also help. If you cannot find them, try to merge these terms (ie. social media and digital communication can be interpreted as media-based communication which is less lengthy of a term).

Apart from this, I would suggest that you try to be more cautious of your sentence construction. In your second to the last paragraph, I have noticed how you have a tendency to have disorganized thoughts (meaning your sentences no longer follow a structural flow - instead, they appear as though floating thoughts that you just write as you think about them). Polishing your thoughts alongside creating a specific outline would help you resolve this.

Best of luck!

Scholarship / Outline the details of your future aspirations and how your degree will help you achieve your vision [3]

@jolivares
While lengthy sentences are alright, you should be cautious of the way you create them. It should always be balanced. When I talk about how an organic flow is necessary when you are writing, it means that having variations of length will go a long way. That being said, this will make your writing style more straightforward without compromising its creativity.

For instance, I would revise a few sentences in your first paragraph as:

Climate change has threatened the world. This has led to natural disasters, changes in land use change, and massive losses in biodiversity. I aspire to work for the conservation of natural resources because of their intrinsic and extrinsic values. I aim to contribute through mitigating and adapting territories under climate change, and protecting surrounding communities aligned with sustainable development goals. [...]

Moreover, I recommend that you try to specify details as you go. I have noticed that you tend to be repetitive with your words (see second paragraph). Because of this, I suggest that you try to go more in-depth into details to avoid continuously saying that you want to be a professional in the field. For instance, tackle how the curriculum of this program can contribute to your knowledge of conservation instead of mentioning that it will make you a stronger professional.

Lastly, I suggest that you revise the last paragraph of the essay. There's not much value in mentioning that you wish to promote the university to individuals in your country. While this is a positive statement, it does not contribute a whole lot to your scholarship application. Instead, merge your thoughts and formulate how you will contribute to the university's resources through (a) doing research that will accumulate data on the field or (b) become a productive member of the academic community that will foster its international integrity.

Best of luck!

Writing Feedback / Is it better for children to begin learning a foreign language at primary school? [5]

@Dang Ngoc
Watch out for your grammatical errors. Most of them are technical mistakes. I recommend that you try to use languages that are more appropriate for this essay. As this is an informative essay, it warrants that you should also have similar composition for its purpose. In addition, omit words that are unnecessary for building your content.

For instance, in your first paragraph:

Experts believe that children better learn foreign languages at primary school rather than secondary school. [...]

Notice how removing the word some does not necessarily change the meaning of the sentence. When you can determine these words, it will help you create more strategic sentence structures.

Let's take a look at other portions of the essay.

Errors are sporadically seen throughout your essay.

Restructure your essay in a better light through refining the forms of the words that you have.

If we take a look at your third paragraph, it should be:

Last but not the least, children's cognitive system* is faster and more sensitive to new skills compared to adults. [...]

*Placing children before cognitive system and allocating ownership is a great way to help you trim down your word count.

Consistency is key when you're writing. Notice how I mentioned faster alongside more sensitive as they both require a sense of being more than what was previously in the situation. Doing these things is a sure way of creating more appropriate substance.

Best of luck!

Writing Feedback / An increasing number of professionals such as doctors and teachers are leaving their own country [2]

@sappi
Avoid redundant words. When you are writing within word counts, being precise is vital because it will determine how much you can optimize the space of your essay.

Restructure your sentences in a way that will help you develop your thoughts in a more straightforward manner.

Let's look at your first paragraph. I would revise the lines as:

Doctors, teachers, and other professionals from underdeveloped countries migrate to developed countries for work. This leads to economic degeneration in their home countries. [...]

Notice how I tried to strategically use terms (specifically in the second sentence) that would lead to this portion. Doing this will enhance your content immensely.

Moreover, I also recommend that you try to be more specific when you are curating content.

For instance, in the second paragraph's introductory lines:

The initial problem faced by these countries is brain drain in the sciences and educational sectors. This has led to economic struggles because of lack of technological development. [...]

Notice how I had followed through with what happened (brain drain) and how it happens (tech development is hampered). Having these small descriptions would help hammer down your content.

Remember these comments as you are writing. Best of luck!

Scholarship / Why I am a good candidate for scholarship? Life experiences / management skills. [2]

A few notes:

1. Watch out for repetitive descriptions. What this means is that when you are writing, try to omit words that are unnecessary. Instead of adding too many details that cloud your essay's content, try to keep your descriptions concise. Doing this will enhance your overall writing.

2. Watch out for your usage of punctuation.

3. Appropriate capitalization is necessary.

4. Evade using multiple, consecutive periods as this does not necessarily contribute anything to your essay.

When you are retelling an experience, try to avoid merely mentioning what had happened. Instead, try to involve feelings into the equation. Doing this will create a more intimate, personalized approach to the essay. (see your second paragraph)

Your third paragraph is also quite overblown with redundant words; and it also full of lengthy sentences. This makes the essay exhaustive.

I would recommend revising it to something like:

I have been able to perfect my leadership and management skills through being a Chairman for the Youth at church and a group leader for class assignments. This has effects on both my faith and academic lives. These skills will benefit the student community in the university. [...discuss more in detail here why the scholarship necessitates that these traits persist]

Lastly, I suggest that you try to incorporate more details regarding your life experiences on the matter. These will make your essay more personalized and intimate for the readers.

Best of luck!

Graduate / " Computational Science and Engineering " - SOP for Ruhr Bochum University, Germany [3]

A couple of notes for you to ponder on as you revise:
- When you're writing motivational letters, it should not merely be limited to presenting your background and how passionate you are to the field. Instead, you can refocus your energy to showcasing the long-term benefits of this degree to your entirety. Because there are a lot of people vying for this spot, it would be beneficial if you can provide how specifically this will help you in the future. Say, for instance, because your last paragraph already discusses the fundamentals of why this field is lacking in your home country, reconnect it to how you will apply your skill set here.

- Being descriptive in these forms of essays comes with a high price. While it's great that you are exerting effort in creating explicit descriptions, it would also help if you can ensure that these are going to be free of technical/grammatical errors as this can heavily deduct impression points from your essay.

If you plan to use this letter and alter it to create another one for the Material Science program, I suggest that you try to revise, rephrase, and retain the portions that you discuss your background in to save time. Afterwards, you may proceed in discussing how you can benefit from the program - make it specific (therefore do not copy this portion from your original paper).

Best of luck!

Writing Feedback / Rising the fee of petrol as the best approach to solve traffic and pollution problem? [4]

@quynhuyen1012
A few notes:
1. Evade using excessive words that do not contribute substantially to your essay.
2. When in doubt regarding the sentence's structure, try to use simpler structures.
3. Watch out for punctuation.
4. Watch out for preposition.
5. Use academic tones when you are writing as this is required.
6. Use appropriate terms.

You also had grammatical mistakes sporadically throughout your essay.

For instance:

Environmental pollution has emerged to be an alarming issue in the world. To solve this problem, others believe that a raise in the fee of petrol is the best approach; according to lobbyists, this will not only improve traffic conditions but also alleviate pollution concerns. However, from my perspective, I do not agree with this.*

*There is no need for you to introduce this early on that you are bound to give resolutions; it's already a given.

While I think that the substance and deductive approach is decent, I also think that you can refocus on putting more attention to your concluding remarks. You have to be more firm in your reasoning. Perhaps you can add a brief statement here?

Best of luck!

Writing Feedback / WHAT IS THE REASON FOR PARENTS PUTTING TOO MUCH PRESSURE ON THEIR CHILDREN TO SUCCEED. [4]

@Krystal318
What I immediately observed is the need to have more fluid transition words. It's not necessarily true that you have to have a transition word (however, therefore, etc.) after every sentence. You should try to construct your language with a more organic flow, creating a structure that would work with your content. What I mean when I say that transitions should be organic is that you should ask yourself if these are terms that you would naturally say if you are speaking these sentences out loud. Determining this is crucial in building your essay.

In addition, evade using unnecessary words when you are writing. Doing this will help you trim down and create a more concise and clear-cut structure.

Let's revise a couple of parts:

[...]
As the world is rapidly changing, jobs begin to require higher skills and knowledge. This makes it more difficult to adapt. This has led parents to send their children to extra classes to master both technical subjects and extra-curricular hobbies. However, this can be a waste of time as not every child is born talented. Parents think that they have the responsibility to their children's careers; therefore, it becomes their duty to pressure children in learning a multitude of subjects.

[...]

Notice how I had tried to either omit transition words - or rather, I incorporated them into portions of the text that actually need them. For instance, using therefore earlier in a sentence is often inappropriate because this term is supposed to indicate a a concluding remark; it fits better if you add it by the end of your thoughts.

Try to create more formal structures to better your essay. Best of luck.

Scholarship / Development Studies - MOTIVATION LETTER FOR SCHOLARSHIP APPLICATION [3]

I would suggest revising your essay to create a more organic flow.

For instance, in your first paragraph:

My name is Victor Ndubuisi Okoro, a Nigerian with keen interest in the economic theme of development. I am expressing my intent to join the Master of Arts program in Development Studies at the University of Western Cape. Throughout my undergraduate studies, I was introduced to various faces of development: research methods, community service, the engagements of the European Union and developing countries, the third world, Bretton Woods, and the world economy as a whole. I have engaged in researches for community development initiatives alongside academic mentorship programs for social and economic development.

[...]

Notice how integrating your sentences will create better flows; this is especially important if you are creating application essays. When you materialize these types of content, it is pivotal that it is readable to the evaluators. You can accomplish this through not dragging your content too much.

That being said, I also recommend having more concise sentences. This is not to say that you should remove all the adjectives; merely minimizing and capitalizing only on portions that matter is a technique you should learn.

In terms of content and substance, I observe that you have clarified your background and why you deserve this spot in the first place - this is great. I recommend adding details as to why this is a personal and intimate choice for you. If you have a personal story to tell about someone close to you who has experienced this, it would be beneficial if you could incorporate that into the paper to heighten your chances.

Best of luck!

Writing Feedback / Midnight exam - write story. story in 150 words. [2]

Watch out for the lack of preposition in your essay. This can affect the flow of your content. Make sure that you always try to construct sentences with complete thoughts. I recommend opting for simpler sentences instead of complex ones; and then, build up from this. Mixing up your structure can go a long way when it comes to establishing a more organic tone. Moreover, try your best to establish better transitions when you're moving from one sentence to another.

For instance:

It was midnight when I finished reviewing for my exam. I had gone to bed afterwards. I had a nightmare*. I found myself in a different world; it was all black. I saw people wearing long black dresses and holding sharp sticks with a fierce facial expression and blood stains all over them. [...]

*I highly recommend opting for these alternatives rather than simply writing down everything. Doing this will sharpen your content.

Keep these in mind. Best of luck!

Writing Feedback / Ielts writing task 2: Should media focus on lives of famous people. [4]

Try omitting words that are unnecessary to your essay's substantiation. I recommend that, as you are writing, try to play around with your words until you get hold of a concise format. Using specific terms will assist you in this. Also, be more descriptive as you are writing.

Let's try revise a few parts.

Lavish lifestyles of celebrities on media gain attention from the public. [...]

Notice how doing this is a more descriptive approach to writing than merely writing down.

In your second paragraph:

The first reason is that our cutting-edge society has brought deep violations of celebrities' lives. All of the daily activities of these people from their outfits, speech, to personal romantic lives are published. Not only them as individuals, but their family members and friends also lure in reporters. [...]

Trimming down your sentences is a vital technique that can help you enhance your content. In addition, try to use more appropriate terms when you are writing. For instance, mentioning simply love is quite vague - but saying that it tackles their romantic lives is a more explicit analysis of the situation.

Keep these in mind as you are writing. Best of luck.

Writing Feedback / Living in a foreign country where you speak with non-local language would make communication problem [2]

Try evading using words that are fillers. When they do not significantly contribute to the essay, it is better to leave them out. Especially when you are working within word counts, you are confined to what you want to say.

Say, for instance, in your first paragraph:

Living in a foreign country that you cannot speak the language of creates communication and practical problems; I agree with this.

Shortening your sentences to make concise structures will enable you to sharpen your writing skills.

Avoid repetitive lines that do not develop the essay's substance. When you are writing, you should be adding something new to the content.

Let's look at your body paragraphs.

Notice how your first sentence in the second paragraph is a repetition of your introductory lines. I would recommend trimming it down to something similar to:

Firstly, language barriers hinder social interactions between locals and immigrants. Knowing the language lets a person participate in community-based activities. [...]

I recommend avoiding assertive lines and claims when you are writing without citations. Saying that, for example, one would not be welcomed in places wherein they cannot speak the language of is off-putting. Rather, try to lighten your language by saying that one would have difficulty adjusting if a language barrier is in place.

Apply these when you are writing. Cut down your unnecessary words - and then afterwards, you may allocate this space to create more in-depth content.

Best of luck as always!

Writing Feedback / The hardware implementation and software design of the collector based on STM32; Bridge Monitoring [3]

Watch out for the forms of the words you are using in your sentences. I have noticed that you have a tendency to create lengthy sentences when you can omit certain words to create more concise structures. These straight to the point content will help you tremendously evade potential mistakes.

Consistency is the key when you are writing. Academic essays require an informative tone. When you are creating technical descriptions, this is ever-more vital. Ensuring that you do this is vital.

Watch out also for how you transition your sentences. Opting to lengthen sentences instead of using appropriate punctuation can create drastic impacts to your essay.

Let's revise a couple portions in your abstract for your reference.

Traditional electronic sensors are not suitable for long-term, long-distance, and real-time monitoring of bridges. The paper proposes an optical fiber bridge safety monitoring data collector based on STM32.* This can collect data and upload bridge structure parameters.

*I cut the sentence into two portions as the first part is already loaded with a lot of information. Avoid creating these dragging sentences because they do not help the readers understand the content more.

Keep these in mind.

Best of luck!

Writing Feedback / ielts task 2 Many museums and historical sites are mainly visited by tourists only [2]

A few key terms I want you to work on: punctuation, grammar, and preposition.

In terms of substantiation of content, your essay is sufficient. You have well-developed and sub-divided your thoughts into clusters. I would only suggest that you try to be wary of the forms of your words. I have noticed that there were instances wherein you needed to cut down your language to create more straightforward content; doing this will help you minimize mistakes as well.

Let's revise a few parts.

The main reason why local people do not engage in museums and historical sites is because of their familiarity.* The government puts on displays items that are reflections of historical lessons; this only draws tourists because of their unfamiliarity. [...] For example, Vietnamese museums displaying guns and warships from the wars are heavily toured by foreigners. [...]

*It is unnecessary for you to mention that tourists pay for these attractions because it does not align with the intent and content of this paragraph.

I would suggest omitting the last sentence here because it's a mere repetition. Try to conclude your paragraphs in a better light. For instance, in this sentence, you can discuss perhaps that these events are often traumatic scars for the local people; hence, they do not find it as fascinating to tour these areas.

Try using more specific examples for your content.

Best of luck.

Writing Feedback / Short essay, topic: what can you do to make the school greener? [4]

Watch out for the forms of verb that you use.

Evade using terms that are repetitive or synonymous to each other. This creates overbearing sentence structures when you could have opted for simpler content.

Don't capitalize unnecessary terms not unless they are proper nouns and/or acronyms. You can always look up what words need to be capitalized and which do not.

Use synonymous words that would help you create a specific tone that is appropriate for your essay.

Let's revise.

Environmental issues affect the world. This has made environmental protection imperative. Each student holds the key to the future; it is part of our responsibility to make a greener world with little steps. [...]

Notice how I had trimmed and cut down your first sentence through making it more straightforward. This is a concise manner of approaching essay writing; and I would argue is better when you're writing academically. Furthermore, I also had changed the forms of certain words to create consistent wording.

Keep these in mind as you are writing. Best of luck.

Scholarship / Essay : Which achievement of Singapore which you interested most. [2]

Watch out for your tenses, punctuation, capitalization, and related content. I recommend that you should be more cautious as well of your sentence structures. There were instances wherein you had created confusing sentence structures. As you are starting out your paragraph, ensure that your first sentence (the topic sentence) would contain all relevant information. Accomplishing this will ensure that you will have a steady direction for the essay.

Let's try to revise a few parts in relation to that.

I would suggest the following for the introduction:
Singapore is branded as Asia's Tiger Economy. A leading country in economy, education, and healthcare, it has experienced rapid developments over the years. [...]

Notice how I tried to make formal the words that you placed. I also tried my best to ensure that I am able to relay the information regarding as academic as possible. Moreover, try to evade using repetitive lines. Instead of saying more and more, try using the word rapid. Instead of saying years and years, try saying just over the years. These techniques will help you pick up a formal tone in your essay. While I know that you find it necessary to repeat certain terms (education, economy, medical/healthcare, etc.) repeatedly, try to find synonymous terms or determiners to tame it down a little.

Apply these all throughout. Best of luck as always.

Writing Feedback / Parents' responsibility in children caring_ Argumentative essay [4]

@Van_Anh_Meo
The transition between your sentences could be bettered if you structured your sentences in a more organized way. Watch out for consistency in your tenses also as this can affect the technicalities of your essay.

For instance, in your introductory sentence, I would opt to say:

Childcare in an undeniably vital skill for parenthood as raising a child is not a simple task. [...]

Notice how I had omitted the word important because vital is already synonymous as this. Removing words such as this can help you maximize the word count in your essay.

Try to avoid being repetitive with your words. If you can can, opt to minimize using the same phrases over and over again. Try revising and looking into alternative methods of writing down your lines to accomplish this.

For instance, in your second paragraph, I would write it down as:

[...] Without a doubt, essential knowledge gained through lessons on medical assistance for puberty-driven mood swings can result to improvements in childcare upbringing. [...]

Notice how I had trimmed down the sentence while still maintaining its core meaning. Doing this can help your essay become more concise.

The last sentence in the third paragraph can also be revised into:

More importantly, parenting skills are acquired naturally due to maternal and paternal instincts partnered with trial and errors.

Best of luck.

Writing Feedback / Write a paragraph with 140 words about anything that you are interested in life, work, school, etc. [3]

@thach102
I think that the direction of your essay would be dependent on what you would want your essay to contain. Intent is vital when you're trying to create direction for your content. Having said that, because this is a more casual type of essay, the approach would also be a little bit boiled down than other forms of content. Using appropriate words is also a useful technique to learn.

Let's take a look at your essay in its entirety and revise a couple of portions in accordance.

[...] and enjoying parties, but I do not anymore. [...] In recent years, I have made a life-changing decision to start reading more books. I have started following the minimalist Japanese lifestyle, making my life more simple and less troublesome.

Because the structure of your essay right now can be quite messy. I suggest that you introduce the concepts that you want to discuss early on. This can assist you in building a particular theme.

For instance, I would put the following sentence after discussing how you think that a friendly get-together can waste your time:

There are two hobbies that have changed my perception: reading books and getting into cooking.

Remember these lessons as you write your essay once more. Best of luck.

Writing Feedback / Teaching a foreign language at primary school is better than secondary school. Discuss pros and cons [3]

Try to use words that are more academic by nature. These are words that do not create a casual tone - instead, they are able to emphasize on the functionality and informative side of your essay. Having these words is tremendously helpful when you are constructing useful lines that will help you curate viable content. I suggest revising with this intent in mind. Play around with the structure and composition of your essay to make sure that you maximize the space that you have, especially because you are working with word counts.

Let's revise a couple of portions.
The introduction of the internet triggered the emergence of online courses that teach foreign languages. Everyone has a chance to be exposed to these, therefore allowing students to have the ability to be proficient in these languages earlier. This phenomenon has advantages and disadvantages to the learning process.

Always try to be consistent with the forms of your words. This is vital to ensure that your proficiency is maximized.

Evade using words like may usually implies uncertainty in your words. Having words that implicate that you are assertive and have in-depth knowledge on the topic is preferred at all costs.

While the progression of your thoughts in the essay is impressive, I would say that you need to be wary of stretching your information too thin. For instance, in your second to the last paragraph, having such a jump of conclusion regarding learning a language leading to lack of memories and apathy is troublesome.

Best of luck as always.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Some people prefer team sports rather than those which can be played individually [2]

Watch out for your usage of preposition. I would also recommend looking into using alternatives that are more appropriate when you are constructing your lines. Using relevant articles can also go a long way in your articulation.

Let's revise the first paragraph as a reference.
With the myriad of benefits of playing sports, they have become increasingly prevalent over the years. Therefore, it is daunting to decide which sport to join. Some people prefer team-based ones to the individual ones because of the advantages. I assert that both of them have their own respective virtues.

[...]

Notice how I had switched a to the in the first sentence because of the more specific implications of your context. Furthermore, I also had ensured that I omitted portions of the text that are unnecessary to create more concise structures.

Creating these simpler and yet more forward lines can be beneficial for your essay.

Best of luck.

Writing Feedback / The advantage of study in college (Respond Essay) [2]

A couple of key revisions...

In your first paragraph:

[...] there are 190 000 job vacancies that require a college degree. This has raised over the years. On the other hand, jobs that do not require the degree decreased to almost 6 million. There are numerous debates about whether or not a college degree is necessary. [...] Conversely, some think that the degree is unnecessary because they believe that it does not guarantee a well-paid job. [...]

Notice that you do not need to continuously and repeatedly mention college degree altogether because it you can opt for using synonymous terms and changing around the structure of your sentences. Additionally, you should also evade using words that have more academic alternatives. For instance, not necessary should instead be unnecessary. These are minute mistakes, however it can benefit your essay exponentially.

When you're citing sources, it should always be placed at the end of sentences. Evade putting it elsewhere.

Try transitioning your paragraphs in a different manner also. The structure and manner you have right now is quite confusing; I'd rather that you use proper transition words such as "moreover" in order to showcase a more explicit movement between your paragraphs. Doing this can also enhance your essay's flow.

Best of luck.

Undergraduate / How do you plan to lead a project or create awareness on Poverty Eradication in your home country? [2]

What I suggest that you can do is directly contact smaller educational institutions and create campaigns within these smaller communities. This is not as grand as other recommendations, however it would be beneficial for you as it would be easier to facilitate when within these smaller groups. Furthermore, I would suggest that you try tailor-fitting this to the demography of the people within this parameter. What I can suggest is that you can try to implement creativity campaigns marked with using posters and sentimental banners that you can sporadically place around campus. This can be a more innovative approach. You can also ask for permission from the school to administer room to room campaigns that will tackle the issue in-depth; I would argue that this is far better than merely approaching the establishment with a seminar because it's more personalized and intimate to the audience.

Best of luck.

Writing Feedback / Statistics of underground station passengers in London during the period from 6am to 10pm. [3]

@Christinaduong
Unless you are referring to a formal pronoun, underground station should remain to not be capitalized. Omit lines that are not substantial to the essay. Instead, allocate these words (as you are working with a word count) to more necessary content. Try to create structures that are less dragging.

Let's revise a couple of lines.
The line graph illustrates data on the number of underground station passengers in London from 6 a.m to 10 a.pm. Overall, it is clear that the highest numbers received by the station are at 8 a.m and 6 p.m.

You should also keep in mind that consistency is important in writing essays. Do you plan to call them passengers or commuters? Stick to one and do not stray.

I would also recommend looking into alternatives of what you can say instead of continuously mentioning the time stamps. For instance, if in a succeeding sentence you are still referring to the same time stamp, you can just mention that it is within the same duration. As long as it is synonymous and applicable, use it. This will help your essay tremendously.

Best of luck.

Writing Feedback / The shopping sales on the Internet in four different sectors in Canada [4]

Maximize your space for essay writing through omitting the usage of words that are unnecessary. Evade repetitive lines that drag your content. Especially because you are doing an analytical essay, a straightforward and yet informative approach will bring you optimized results. Learn to transition your sentences.

Let's revise a couple parts.
The two pie charts give information about internet shopping sales in retail in four different sectors in Canada between 2005 and 2010.

Overall, it is clear that sales of electronics, appliances, and home furniture increased slightly - while the other two sectors dropped over the same period.

There is no need to place an article before home furniture.

In 2005, electronic devices held the largest sales with 35%. After five years, sales fell to 30%. [...]

Notice how straightforward that sentence structure is. Doing this is helpful when you're simplifying your content. This is especially useful if you are beginning only with tests. Play around with complexity later on once you are comfortable with this pattern.

Best of luck.

Writing Feedback / Short essay on immigration (IELTS task 2) [4]

Watch out for your usage of punctuation. Note that there were instances wherein you could have transitioned your sentences better through using appropriate punctuation and remarks.

Remove excess texts that do not substantially contribute to the essay.

Let's look at the first paragraph as a reference.

Human beings are naturally nomadic. The proof is throughout history; large-scale migrations of different ethnicity groups to various parts of the globe have been discovered. These are scientifically proven by fossils remaining in the soil. Up until the 21st century, waves of migration persist. [...]

Using more academic terminologies can go a long way to improve the tone of your essay. Notice how instead of saying a large number, you can just say large-scale. This technique will help you boil down your essay tremendously.

I would also recommend that you try to explicitly mention and capitalize on the differentiation between the second and third paragraph. Notice how the former is a historical account of migration, while the latter focuses on its modern-day accompaniment.

Doing things such as this will help your essay tremendously.

Best of luck.

Writing Feedback / WRITING PART: PROFITS OF READING BOOKS [2]

Grammar and composition would both need to be worked on. Try to also use formal/academic language to establish an informative tone. While you have satiated the base requirements for a paragraph-long essay, you need work on your substantiation to create more concrete content.

Let's revise a couple of points in your essay.
[...] It has affected directly the development of civilization. Mankind has been immersed to its advantages. Because reading has brought in-depth insight to society, reading certainly has assisted in the improvement of knowledge. It is vivid that reading has sharpened our knowledge and skills. This has enabled human beings to learn from the experiences and failures of the past to potentially avoid it in the future. Moreover, reading has brought relaxation to our lives. Because of this, we may conclude that it is a useful task to partake in.

Words such as by the way and the phrasing of the third sentence are all inappropriate when you're constructing formal tones in your essay. Ensure that you will always try to evade these concerns through following through with conventions and rules.

Best of luck.

Research Papers / HOW VIDEO GAMES POSITIVELY INFLUENCE TO STUDENTS' LIVES [2]

I would suggest revising your introductory line to something along the lines of:
There have been discussions on the benefits and harms of playing video games.

This direct to the point and informative format would be beneficial for your essay. While your formatting is alright, having lengths such as this can be dragging for readers (especially if you are doing academic or informative essays).

Watch out for the punctuation that you use all throughout.

Moreover, keep in mind that paragraphs are intended to have four to six sentences. I have observed that your paragraphs have exceeded this; therefore, I would suggest that you try to evade this for the purpose of standardizing your essay.

The concluding remarks can be improved. The brief summation in this portion is sufficient; however, it can be appreciated if you could potentially expound on the second paragraph.

Best of luck.

Graduate / Media Industry - Essay for scholarship of Bournemouth University [3]

I would change the introduction into something that will be able to truly hook the evaluators. Perhaps you can start the essay with an anecdote of your personal experience that has made you drawn to this career; afterwards, you may proceed to clarifying the intention of the letter and your purpose. You can also opt for a quotation that someone may have mentioned to you for your application.

In terms of substantiation and content, your essay is spot-on already. I can observe that it is able to provide your comprehensive background as to why you are taking this - and including why you have chosen this path for the long-run. What I would wish that you include is a discussion on why you have chosen this uniersity. You touched merely the surface level of this in the beginning of your essay. However, if you can provide a more in-depth rationale that can showcase your genuine interest in the field, that would be beneficial for your application.

Best of luck.

Scholarship / Application essay for Short Summer Research Program in Medical Science [2]

While it is great that you are able to provide a comprehensive output utilizing various writing techniques, you should try to create simpler sentences in certain portions. It can be unnecessary and dragging to have to continuously read through complex sentences; it should always be balanced to create a more organic tone for your essay.

Aside from this, I would also recommend that you try to minimize repetitive adjectives when you are being descriptive. While adjectives are useful when it comes to showcasing your passion for a program, I suggest toning it down too at times.

In terms of grammar, I did not find any pressing issues for you.

Best of luck.

Letters / Master Germany Computational Engineering - has to answer to questions why FAU and why this subject [3]

A couple of notes on capitalization. Master's and Bachelor's should be capitalized alongside the word Winter Semester (primarily because this is indicative of a formal setting for the academic calendar).

Regarding your essay's content, while I appreciate that you have attempted to give as much background information as you possibly can, it would also be beneficial if you delve more into the personal side of the story. Your second paragraph contained a glimpse of this; it would be appreciated if you could expound it further.

The first half of the essay also appears to be messy. I recommend merging together paragraphs with similar content to have more direction and flow.

The rest of the essay is quite decent and sufficient.

Best of luck to your application!

Writing Feedback / Ielts-Writing-Task2-divorce rates skyrocketing recently [4]

Try to utilize more academic structures when you are writing. Briefly, this only means that you should try to omit phrases that are quite uncertain. Instead, you should try to be as informative as possible.

Keeping these in mind, let's revise a couple portions of your text.

Compared to fifty years ago, the rate of divorce has been increasing. This raises uncertainties about the establishment of relationships. This essay will discuss the reasons why and present viable solutions.

Notice how I was able to establish synonymous content with yours while cutting down the number of words. This is pivotal when you are writing academically because of all the restrictions in place.

Furthermore:

In the past, men earned money through working, while women stayed at home to look after their children. Due to the rising cost of living, both parents are now forced to work. This has caused an increase in stress levels among couples, resulting to separation and divorce.

In the succeeding paragraph, note that you should eliminate words that imply lack of in-depth knowledge on the issue. For instance, you should say that your proposition is an effective solution rather than saying that it could be the most effective method. The former implies an academic assertion, while the latter is quite indecisive and uninformative.

Moreover, revise these lines into:
[...] The government is mandated to provide financial compensation to families that need it. For example, they can form a criteria that determines eligibility including the number of children a family has. [...]

Keep these in mind the next time you are writing. Try to be clearer with the intent, structure, and the thesis statements of your essay. Best of luck!

Writing Feedback / METHODS Section: Factors that Influence the Destination Choice of International Students [3]

You had a comprehensive output on describing your methods. I would only recommend that you try revising to create more structure and/or dimension to your writing. Alongside this, you would also be able to create more concise sentences.

When you're describing methods, I would also suggest that you try to use present tense - not unless, of course, the study has already been accomplished fully. If it's a proposal or an intuitive academic essay, this is appropriate.

APA citations should always be placed at the end of the sentence - never in the middle.

Try to always use full words instead of numerical symbols to make it more formal.

Let's try to implement these suggestions, so you may see what I am referring to.

[...] Students who are on pathway programs were excluded as their aims are distinct from the target audience (INTO Study, 2019). Twelve respondents are selected [...]. The sample covers seven different countries and courses to be representative of the international student population. [I suggest inserting here a brief explanation of why this method maximizes representation.] The same number of exchange and degree students were recruited for comparative purposes.

Notice how using specific terminologies can help you cut down your language. For instance, instead of needing to mention that the exchange and degree students are to be recruited to be compared to this and that, you can simply say that it is for comparative purposes; this is more self-explanatory and simpler overall.

Try to implement these techniques. Best of luck.

Writing Feedback / Meiko's fifth treasure story [2]

Your grasp of language is to be appreciated. Aside from this, however, I would recommend that you try to revise a couple of portions that seem to not flow organically.

For instance, let's try these lines:
Meiko, a little Japanese girl, had her hand hurt when America dropped an atom bomb to two cities in Japan. [...] She called calligraphy the fifth treasure; it made her brush dance across the paper to fill the word-pictures with life. After the horrid accident, Meiko felt as if she has lost the fifth treasure, making her incapable of controlling the brushstrokes the way she used to.

When you're mentioning numbers, it's more formal to write it out rather than putting the number as is. You should also try to have more hold with how descriptive you make your words out to be. Try to always follow conventional rules in writing, ensuring that you create complete thoughts as you compose.

In your second paragraph:
Meiko had to live with her grandparents at the farm. Her parents stayed behind in the city to treat patients from the bomb. She had lost her desire to go to school as students were taunting her for her oddly-shaped hands. A guy named Akira continuously scowled at her. Yoshi, her best friend, tried to help her regain her confidence.

Her school had conducted a contest on brush strokess; Yoshi immediately nudged her to join. While Meiko was initially reluctant, being taunted by her Aunt Hisako made her change her decision. "You don't want to be a coward, don't you?" She said.

You can try to observe the techniques that I had used in these paragraphs and implement them to the rest of your essay. Best of luck.

Writing Feedback / Nowadays, we all have the opportunity to learn things by ourselves using several sources. [4]

@alessandra_dac
Try to merge together similar sentences to create more substantive paragraphs. Alongside this, you should also create a more inductive pattern for your essay. Doing so will enable you to have more direction and flow as you are curating your sentences. Once you have done this, I would also recommend that you add a brief introduction to what the structure of your essay would be right from the beginning. You only introduced this portion at the end of your essay as a concluding remark. I would recommend that you try to incorporate it earlier so that the development of your content would be directed towards this.

Let's try to revise a couple of parts:
Nowadays, we have the opportunity to learn things by ourselves using multiple ways. While libraries and book stores are helpful, there is increased accessibility to information because of digitization. The internet has made learning materials free to use.

[...]
Learning by ourselves lets us manage our time. We can study when it's most productive for us - whether it's in consulting sites during work breaks or travel days. This has also allowed us to study at night if we run on tight deadlines.

While it's important to have concise language when you're writing, it's also important to keep an academic tone. Ensuring that you have conventional sentence structures is a fruitful way to hit both at the same time.

Keep these in mind as you are writing. Best of luck.

Writing Feedback / Obesity solutions - More children in developed countries are becoming overweight [3]

The structure and formatting of your sentences are off at times. I recommend that you try to be more concise with your words.

Remember that you are not supposed to capitalize nouns. Capitalization is reserved for pronouns, acronyms, etc. For instance, you do not need to capitalize obseity and the word due. But you were on point with capitalizing Canada. Knowing these delineations is vital when you are writing academic essays.

I have also noticed that you have a tendency to use sentences that are quite complex. While these are acceptable, I recommend that you try to utilize simpler terms to have more a firm, substantiated format than relying simply on complexity to have leverage.

Let's apply a couple of these recommendations.

In your first paragraph:
Children in industrialized nations are gaining weight. Obesity is turning into a vital concern. This essay is an in-depth discussion of the issue, capped with my personal observation.

Technological and scientific innovations has brought a lax lifestyle that has changed drastically children's lifestyles. In addition, the food industry is swarmed with processed foods from meats to sauces. Parents' exhaustive lifestyle has made it difficult to find time to cook fresh meals; it has become easier to quickly buy in stores than to spend time cooking. Children have become numb to the food, causing adverse health effects.

In terms of content, while I appreciate the effort of inserting your own experience, I do think that the insertion of this into the text is quite off the track. I would recommend that you try to use more substantial and heavy weight examples such as mentioning an instance in your life wherein someone was burdened with obseity because they were focused on their work. Discussing these more in-depth examples would give you more leverage.

I would also recommend that you change your concluding remarks to something similar to:
The lack of physical activities accompanied with unhealthy eating habits has led to long-term concerns for the nation. Because the labor force thrives on productivity, ensuring that the people are able to maximize and function effectively is pivotal.

Best of luck.

Writing Feedback / TASK 1 _ The level of satisfaction with the healthcare system in four countries in different years. [3]

In terms of data interpretation, I recommend that you be more wary of your phrasing of words. Being more specific and creating delineations can go a long way. For instance, when you are concluding that both the Canada and the Netherlands have both decreased within the period, you can mention how the former country was able to recover while the latter has steadily declined after its peak. Creating these more specific observations can help you have more control over your essay's structure.

For instance, you can revise the second paragraph as:
It is clear that satisfaction levels in Canada and the Netherlands have decreased - with the former experiencing a slight recovery from 1998 to 2006. The United Kingdom and the United States, on the other hand, have experienced a gradual increase. [...]

Knowing that these tests are bounded by word counts, you can try to make your sentences more concise through merging and omitting words.

We can try applying these techniques to your third paragraph. I would suggest phrasing it as:
In 1991, Canada had the highest proportion of satisfied people with 57%. The USA is considered as the lowest with a mere 10%. [...]

In this revision, you can choose to omit the last sentence regarding Canada's fluctuations in terms of approximate levels of satisfaction as the preceding paragraph already indicated this. There's no need for you to repeat these data as you have already made mention of them.

While it's necessary for you to be specific, try to avoid these repetitions to optimize the space you have for working.

Best of luck.

Graduate / 'great investment for my future' - Motivation Letter for MSc in Data Science [3]

While the formality of your introductory paragraph was clear-cut, I recommend mixing it up a little bit with descriptive sentiments of why you want to partake in this program. You mentioned that you would want to meet your long-term goals through enrolling in the program; you can perhaps expound that through being more specific. Introduce right off the bat that this is the specific university that you have been looking at to enroll in. Mention how excited you are about their curriculum. Doing this will set you apart because a lot of applicants simply mass enroll in multiple universities for their studies without necessarily targeting a particular one. If you can be more specific to this application, the better it would be for your application.

In terms of structure and grammar, I would revise the following:
My four-year undergraduate program [...] of my interest in achieving in-depth knowledge in the area of Machine Learning. [...] My interest in these fields became clear; and my passion for quality software development strengthened during my first internship.

In the next paragraph, it would be appreciate if you could make mention of who this mentor is. If you personalize the essay this way, it would make your intentions clearer in the application materials.

In addition, consider the following revisions:
[...] Both my work and mentor have inspired me to continuously learn about the industry. In addition, my mentor expanded my perspective through showing me that computer science is more than just building fancy looking applications for big paychecks. I was dedicated daily research tasks that helped me understand data processes in model-building that have predictive capabilities to be used in our everyday life. [...]

I suggest that you create an entire different paragraph for your discussion on how the diversity of backgrounds has influenced you to interact with people more. If you wish to correlate this to the environment of your prospective university, you have to first discuss your observations on how they conduct socio-cultural relations among their students. Once you have established this, you can conclude easier how its environment would assist you in developing these interpersonal skills.

The next paragraphs are sufficient in relaying these information. I would only then recommend that you try your best to be more specific when you are discussing the program itself.

Best of luck.