Undergraduate / Using UC personal statement as common app statement? Order. [7]

Always be very clear about the topic. I usually tell people to say it plainly in the first paragraph. Composition is all about clarity; lead the reader's attention along.

Undergraduate / 'Organized, social, passionate' - BU Essay -- three words that describe me [3]

My passionate, social, and organized nature will surely benefit the BU community, because I am a well-rounded student. This is great detail here; I think they will be impressed. Also THANKS for all the help you have been giving people. I clicked on your name to come help with your essay, because I saw how much help you've been giving people. And by helping them, you help me, too, so thanks!

It was April 17, 2009, the night juniors and seniors all waited for, was prom night.
I was a one of the junior class officers, helping with the rigorous months of preparation and planning it took

Teachers, students, and employers can rely on me to turn in things accommodate deadlines, organize group projects, and finish my work.
I am social.
To our relief, the junior class's prom night for seniors was a success.

My qualities show I am a student who is devoted to their education and society. Excellent!! Good details; this shows your strengths, and it also sows good introspection.

Undergraduate / "My Mother" :Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you. [8]

Well, contractions are not always acceptable in formal writing. That might be what Janelle meant. Instead of writing I'm, you can write I am.

Similarly, it is nicer if you write twelve instead of 12, twenty-five instead of 25.

I think you can improve the essay by eliminating 3-5 sentences or phrases that are not necessary. With fewer details, this can focus more on your main theme. Add a sentence to the end of that first paragraph in order to establish the main idea for the whole essay.

Undergraduate / Penn State Application Personal Statement: an adjunct to a vocational school [3]

Well... the career choice at the end needs to be explained some more... you give great details in this essay, and it is truly good writing. But at the end, you say your career choice is clear and then mention a juggling act while leaving the career choice unclear. And I was like, wait a minute, is it a juggling act that is the career choice? Recently, I have actually considered trying to be a professional juggler instead of what I currently do... ha ha, I'll have to learn to juggle.

Undergraduate / The automobile has been an important part of me - UC ; the world I come from [4]

Your first para seems like a brainstorm of ideas... you should come up with one theme for the essay, and promote it right from the start:

Solidarity! My family is like a tight-knit unit of professional people; my parents taught us all to attend to one another.
Let it be an essay about a concept, and let each paragraph forward that concept. Keep the same info, but use topic sentences to keep the focus on family solidarity, and at the end make a connection between family solidarity and your career choice/intended major.

Undergraduate / Racism-issue of local, national, or international importance. [3]

You are a great writer! I want to introduce you to the use of the colon, though, for powerful endings to certain sentences:

We must all realize that everyman is his own person, which brings me to a quote from the movie Guess Who: "Every man gets to choose his own destiny, no matter what his father did."

Mother Teresa said it best: "If you judge people you have no time to love them."

In both instances above, a colon is appropriate. Colons are cool, because they convey to the reader something like: "and here is what I am talking about..."

Writing Feedback / Spirits and rituals concept essay [7]

... event in a !Kung woman's life. ----> what is this? !Kung

Stop bumping, it makes the thread ugly and creates more work for me!

Hey, good news, you write very well with good topic sentences and no errors that I can see. Now you should go to the next level with your composition by using MLA style citations. Look up MLA citation on google, and learn about how to make a Works Cited list, in-text citations, and so forth. It's easier than it seems. Good luck! You are a good writer.

Undergraduate / Job Placement Center Experience [3]

Stable job is not a problem because of seeming self-centered... it is a problem because of being too general, and stating the obvious. Stick to your purpose, with this and everything else you do. Proceed with an eye on the prize. Your purpose here is to show them that they absolutely must admit you to the school, because you are good things waiting to happen. At the end of this essay, tell about the "person you are" after this influence... a person that is determined to become an expert in a specific field. Always bring it around to that central theme -- the importance of you attending this school to which you are applying.

Undergraduate / UC Prompt 2 - Vanessa's Story [5]

This is especially true for me since I have been through the program and it has given me so many opportunities.

To be honest, I didn't really know Vanessa very well, because she...

Hey, I think you should tell us what High Jump is somewhere in that first paragraph.

Use a comma for compound sentences:
We spent the day after school making a schedule for her work, and I emphasized...

Undergraduate / human evolution - Does this essay sound too much like a rant? [7]

Well, it would sound like a rant if it lacked structure and logical organization, but the organization is good. However, what about this sentence:
The only support I received at school seemed to be centered on the pretense of following in the footsteps of my older sister. ----> it seems wrong to say "only." Maybe you should write:

At school, I was always associated in other people's minds with my older sister.

Essays / sacrifices to spirits/gods [5]

The good thing to do is read a few articles about sacrificial ceremonies. Go to a database and use a word search with: sacrificial, god, ritual, tribes

...and I bet you'll find some great sources. If it is a good journal article, it will give you an overview. While reading, many good questions will come to mind.

Essays / Parents VS You - need a few writing ideas! [8]

Choose one you can get inspired about, and it is best if you can also make a connection with the theme and your intended program of study.

Dissertations / Suggestions for Ph.D topic in computer science / cloud computing [18]

Sounds intriguing. What does it mean?!

Undergraduate / Personal Statement for Lafayette Describe creative interest or accomplishment [3]

The pers. statement is all about... This is me, this is where I am going, this is what I am very serious about.

The reason you are at a loss for how to proceed may be that you don't have this clear purpose in your mind. You should write this from the perspective of a person who absolutely must become an expert in a particular field.

The start is great, but bring it around to this theme: a resolute, proactive scholar.

Undergraduate / Studied Biblie, a toddler - Choosing between two topics [3]

I think you should go with the one that involves the temple, but make a connection to your intended field of study so that you seem resolute in your determination about it... because the "person you have become" is someone with a clear plan about the future; that plan is rooted in your experience that you describe in the essay.

Undergraduate / Bravely encounter difficulties - what has surprised, unsettled, or challenged you, and in what way? [2]

Hello, you are supposed to start a new thread for every essay. Also, please give some other people some feedback, and ask them to look at your essay. We are trying to muster up collaboration! :-)

My poppa always encouraged me to believe that it is not failures leading to successive achievements instead it is the spirit to bravely encounter difficulties leading to the successes.

I applied the spirit and will into my real life when I was an exchange student in the USA facing too many difficulties, from learning academic knowledge with my American classmates to well-handling all personal matters using the management skills I learned from my host mom. All in all, I could still face many other difficulties in life and study while learning in your school though, but I will continue using this magical power---- unbreakable will.

Great ending!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Undergraduate / Essay for Ut and A&M (Texas Admission Essays) Give me your insight!(: [3]

Hypothetical suggestions were always being made among us, but none such as this.

It will be better if you condense the narrative, the story, and focus on using it as an example to illustrate your ideas about this issue. The essay should be about the issue. The 1st paragraph should end with a sentence about the issue. Name the issue, and in that first paragraph, give your suggestion about what people should do about it.

:-)

Undergraduate / UC Essay Prompt 1- my family from Mexico [6]

This is my suggestion.

My relatives , especially my parents, have always been the center of my world. Their support is inspired by memories of the cruel circumstances and limited opportunities they faced in Mexico and fuels the potential in me to exceed in the things I do.

Yes, I like it that you focused more on your aspirations for the future.

:-)

Undergraduate / Making my sentences more colorful/descriptive [3]

Here is a good example of an essay with colorful language: essayforum.com/undergraduate-2/want-push-submit-button-tonight-stanford-9767/

Undergraduate / 'People Who Love Stadiums (PWLS)' - uc prompt - why I want to study economics [3]

While working towards accomplishing my educational goals , I participated in the People Who Love Stadiums (PWLS), an organization that provides...

I think your first sentence should be about the main theme of the essay. It seems like you start abruptly with this bit of information about PWLS.

The last paragraph is great.

Undergraduate / UC application- personal statement "Symbol of Superman" [3]

Igniting hope and motivation is the way I seize my opportunity to be in the part of this society, and as I plant more inspiration in the people around me, my significance and my meaning in this nation grows.

Excellent! At the end of the first paragraph, write a sentence about your talent for inspiring people to find their significance.

Undergraduate / 'life is too short to live like a shy caterpillar' - UC prompt #2: The Cello [3]

"Next year all but one of the cellists will be moving on to high school, so are there any musicians interested in learning how to play the cello and filling the void?"

Fast forward to the present-----> I think this is a great way to write, nice job!

Use a comma:
I am glad I decided to step out of my comfort zone and switch to the cello that day, because life is too short to live like a shy caterpillar.

Undergraduate / "somebody of two worlds" BU undergrad supplement essay [4]


That phrase was used in a martial arts movie called "Best of the Best 2." I'm embarassed to know that, ha ha. I like action movies...

Right now this sees like 3 little essays. You should use a central theme... something related to your intended major. Know what I mean? The intro and conclusion should frame the essay within a theme that involves those 3 words and your intentions for the future -- and maybe even the unique resources at BU.

Undergraduate / "a high-power blender" -elaborate on one of your work experiences in 150 words [3]

Below you will find a few of the painful truths I wish you would have conveniently had pointed out to me upon welcoming me as part of the Smoothie King crew.

Ha ha, this is funny and cool. It needs a them, though. What is the moral of the story? Can you connect this with your plan for college?

Writing Feedback / TOEFL Parents are natural teachers [16]

Yes, modeling is an important strategy used by teachers as they work with young students.

I model courtesy and respect, setting a good example.

Essays / Academic Essay Topic, a common essay subject [19]

Yes, brainstorming is a good way to start. Also, consider your purpose. You want to make an impression that shows that you are extraordinarily serious about your intended field of study... so make a connection via some sort of theme.

Undergraduate / UC Promt #1 essay "Painting the World" [4]

This is indeed a nice essay. Even though you are undecided, it is okay to be tentatively decided. You can focus on biology purely for the incredibleness of it, and make it your theme for life right now. You can even declare it as your major right now, but then change it. But the trick is to paint life with broad, full strokes. If you end this essay with some reflection on the way this background has influenced your passion for biology (or something else) it will add definition to the essay and it will make you seem even more focused and determined.

Undergraduate / Trinity's supplement , integrity contract [4]

Anything you want to highlight should be mentioned in the first and last paragraphs. That way, they become themes.

Undergraduate / Three Words That describe me - For BU and Yale [6]

You write very well. I sure would like to see each of these three parts of the essay refer -- somehow -- to the field you are going to enter... you keep referring to it as if you always have it on your mind, because you are so focused on it! That is a way to improve this already-great essay.

Undergraduate / UC PROMPT 2 - My experience working with the local homosexual center [3]

After working with the homosexual community I learned not to be...

Maybe you should specify "community in my home town" so that it does not sound like you presume to understand all homosexual people or to lump them all into one category in your mind.

...with being called a name every day.

Tighten this up by making the first and last paragraph talk about the same subject! The first and last paragraph are like a picture frame!

You have a great way of writing.

Undergraduate / Conncoll supplement - what influences your desire to attend conncoll? [5]

This could be made to be more substantial. A serious student chooses a school based on its ability to get him or her where s/he is trying to be. Do you have any professors in mind from whom you would like to learn? What advantages does this school offer to someone with your UNIQUE perspective on the field you are going to enter? That is what this is all about.

This is well-written, but I think it could use some more focus on your field of choice and your unique aspirations.

Undergraduate / "Work Hard", earning my lifeguard diploma [4]

I don't see too many errors! And you write with good, strong, complex sentences.

Use commas... In order to improve your writing, look at how people use commas in articles and books.
Everyday after the first day of my class, I would swim 1000 yards and practice holding my breath for a longer time.

Read The Elements of Style by Strunk and White.

The class had it last meeting, and it was the "test day". I was very nervous at first because I didn't know what to expect. The instructor told the class that we would have to use our knowledge and skills that we had learned and respond to certain situations.

Undergraduate / common app short answer - getting over fear of talking on phones [17]


You can cut this. It's not a correct sentence... It should be.. due to my fear...

Cut that, and then adjust the end to connect the theme of the essay with your academic program, intended career, etc.. or something about your plan for the future.

Writing Feedback / Forward or first page - A Book I am Writing [18]


Nope, this is a little different.

"No wake is left by a skydiver" is passive voice.
"There is no wake that a skydiver leaves" is active.
"There is no wake left by a skydiver" is passive.

But the whole thing about there is and there are to start a sentence... it is not a real rule, just a stylistic norm that someone came up with... and it caught on. On it caught.

Undergraduate / "becoming a full time pharmacist" - Rutgers Essay [4]

No, more work is necessary. Sorry I took so long in getting to this one! :-)

I hope you will brainstorm a THEME that is central to this essay... becoming a pharmacist has unique meaning for you, and you have unique goals for the future. Make a unique theme, so that when someone asks me what this essay is about, I can answer directly: Pure intentions, and passionate motivation. That is just an example. But in your first paragraph, present a theme, and name the various topics you will cover in the essay.

Then, use topic sentences. A topic sentence gives the main idea of a paragraph. If you write with good composition, I should be able to just read all the topic sentences and know what you mean. Of course, that is not a strict rule, but right now you need structure.

First sentence gets the reader's attention.
Last sentence of the 1st para plants the essay's main idea (thesis statement).
First sentence of the other paragraphs gives the paragraph's main idea, which is intended to support the thesis statement.
Last paragraph talks about the thesis statement idea again.

That thesis statement idea should be the main theme for the essay. In this way, your essay becomes like a target with concentric circles and a "bull's eye" in the center.

Undergraduate / Macaulay Honors College - significant risk you have taken or ethical dilemma [6]

Well, imagine how powerful it would be if you told this story in one paragraph and a similar story -- about another ethical dilemma -- in another paragraph, and then talk about the "common denominator" or common theme.

Right now, it is a rather simple story, so I was suggesting that you deepen the meaningfulness of this essay by adding another anecdote to it -- and reflecting on the similarities.

Undergraduate / 'teaching the English language in South Korea' - Why did you choose to apply to UCF? [3]

Hello my friend. For advice about how to structure a paragraph,you should check out: https://essayforum.com/undergraduate-2/proud-tri-lingual-11005/

The big problem is that you need to use focal points. Think of your main focus for the whole essay -- one theme that it is all about. Stay focused on that one idea.

I remember reflecting on the campus and thinking about how it reminds me of a symphony; a piece of artwork.

Research Papers / Six Sigma applications, Challanges and Issues in telecom Sector [6]

I happen to have a Questia membership, and it is worth the money! You can get one for a month for $20.

Look at all these Six Sigma resources. questia.com/library/economics-and-business/business/management/six-sigma.jsp

Note that this is not a commercial, and no affiliation exists between them and us! I'm just letting you know where I would start.

Undergraduate / uc transfer #2 : Marine Corp [3]

I felt blood started being pumped through my body, and I was getting stronger. After arriving on the top of the hill, I shouted out my leftover motivation and dedication.

I was so overwhelmed when I learned that my hard work paid off by earning the Gungho Marine Award.

Sorry it took so long to help you! This essay is great, but it needs a theme. Come up with a few key words that characterize the experience for you; it obviously has a theme already, but you need to name it in that first paragraph. This was an experience of ________

It seems like a good theme for this is "rising to the occasion."

Book Reports / Animal Farm: Reflection on what you learnt [4]

"All animals are equal, but some are more equal than others." ---> Check the book to see if a comma was used... if not, keep it out... but you should check...

Sorry it took a long time to get help! I hope it's not too late. This is good composition, and it has a good thesis sentence at the end of that first para. It seems kind of random to start the last para with a sentence about propaganda. Tie all the ideas together around one central idea to which they are all related. It's all about figuring out the word or phrase that captures the meaning of the whole essay. I don't see any errors...