Writing Feedback / The inconvenient that a computer bring to us [2]

Watch out for the forms of the words you are using, especially if you are using multi-purpose ones that do not have a specific definition to them. Having hold of this takes consistency, knowledge, and determination in knowing how to apply what you know about English grammar.

Let's take it step by step and revise a couple portions of your essay.
Computers play an important role in our lives. It has multiple purposes: learning, typing, and other educational-related tasks. However, there are disadvantages to using computers in real-life. While it brings convenience, it can also bring about multiple concerns. This essay describes the disadvantages of the real-life usage of computer.

Notice how because you are making an argumentative essay about a particular device, it is only right that you generalize it (ie. saying computers). You should also ensure that you try to use concise terminologies to reduce the word count that you can use in more productive and substantive ways (ie. from combination of lots of effects to simply saying that it has multiple purposes). Trying to curate text with more concise words is essential, especially if you plan to take academic writing tremendously by its sleeve. Try to evade words that are informal (ie. saying that computers are cool is unnecessary and does not contribute to the essay's overall theme).

When it comes to your second paragraph, I have noticed that you struggle when it comes to verb tenses and the general sentence structure.

For instance, a couple revisions I could make:
One of the most [...] that we meet is its complicated nature. When discussing money transfers, usage of computers would make it easier. However, this is not applicable to all. There are difficulties when it comes to understanding the processes. [...]

In the succeeding sentences, you were discussing how shameful it is not comply with online payment methods. This is not an academic statement. What you can perhaps say is that the complexity of payment methods makes it difficult for companies and individuals to keep up with the constant technological changes. This is a perspective that appears more informative rather than offensive.

Try to keep these in mind as you are rereading and editing. Best of luck!

Writing Feedback / Right vs wrong for children - IELTS Writing [3]

@widyakusu
Argumentative essays are supposed to provide a detailed push and pull discussion as to why a particular thought is preferred over the other. While it is genuinely true that you would need to display this through explicitly mentioning it in the concluding remarks, you should also ensure that the tone of your essay complies with these requirements. Having said that, I have noticed that while your essay creatively expresses your thoughts, it lacks an informative and assertive tone. It is noticeable how you jump into conclusions without necessarily justifying the details. I would recommend that you try to be wary of this.

Let's revise a couple portions of your essay in accordance to these guidelines and a few technical issues.

In your first paragraph:
There are devastating issues on moral education that emerge every once in a while. Numerous programs that explicitly portray criminality and immorality flood the channels. This has caused the rise of blame on the educational system. There is a proliferated idea that the system should implement punishments as a means to teach students the difference between good and bad deeds. [...]

Regarding the concept of the first paragraph, I would recommend that you try to find a different status quo to discuss. If you wish to use the portrayal of criminality and immorality in media channels as a reason why this has to be discussed, you should try to reestablish a direct connection between the both. What I would suggest is that you open your essay through introducing the current state of the educational system and how it reinforces moral attitudes in its current structure and inner-workings. Then, you may proceed in discussing as to why it is essential that they change this. This is a more effective introductory approach.

Furthermore, I would also suggest that you try to simplify the sentences that you have.

For instance, in your second paragraph:
Punishment is an activity that gives sanction to an act to reinforce ideas. These punishments often are represented by beatings and scoldings. [...]

Try to always be consistent with your usage of words. Once you have done this, you will be able to have a more organic flow with your essay. Try to also strip down your sentences into the basics. For instance, notice how I had omitted mentioning that I am defining what punishment is and simply made mention of what the act means in this context. Both of them are synonymous methods of portraying the text; however, the former is more crowded with unnecessary texts. Learn this technique and implement throughout your essay.

In your third paragraph:
Secondly, punishments create terrifying environments wherein students may seek legal actions. If an action is widely accepted, this can be even more threatening. Giving out punishments would cause generations to perceive the act as a commonplace event therefore normalizing the behavior. [...]

I would recommend that you try to create more comprehensive, detailed content regarding the points in your essay. It is still unclear in the end why these cons outweigh the possible benefits of punishments. You may, for instance, discuss how these punishments influence pessimistic behavior that would affect students in the long-run.

Best of luck.

Graduate / I'm looking forward to apply for the online masters in data science - SOP essay [2]

The structure of the essay is messy. The arrangement of the thoughts is quite inconclusive because there is seemingly no direction when it comes to the starting and ending points of each individual paragraph. To resolve this, you should try to either decide if you seek for the essay to follow through either inductive or deductive patterns when it comes to the overall structure. Doing this can help you differentiate and create a viable format that is easier to understand for the readers.

What I would suggest is try to start with a historical timeline of your career options or your passion for the field. If you can discuss why you have begun to be interested in this path, you will be able to proceed to discuss more of the technical reasons as to how this program will be in line with your long-term goals.

Try to also utilize more academic language and tone as you are writing. Doing this can create a more formal approach when it comes to your application - a detail that is surely appreciated by evaluators.

When you're struggling to create your sentences, make sure that you try to always use simpler structures. Doing this will help your essay evade fundamental problems to be avoid miscommunication - or a failure of relaying the right information.

You should also be wary of your capitalization as you have a tendency to place this in areas that do not need it (ie. in your third to the last paragraph, fraud does not have to be capitalized unless you are referring to the Internet Authentication and Fraud Prevention program).

Scholarship / Help me review my scholarship essay under the following headings. [2]

Try to simplify your language as you are writing. Doing this can immensely help your essay as I can observe that you are struggling when it comes to sentence construction. Once you have grasped the fundamentals, playing around with the structure would not be an issue anymore.

Let's try to revise a couple portions of your essay.

In your first paragraph:
There are two main reasons why I wish to acquire this scholarship: to develop necessary skills in electric power distribution and to afford the costs of studying in the United Kingdom. Nigerian graduates are usually described as unemployable by people in the industry; therefore, holding a Masters degree from a reputable school in the UK would bridge this gap. [...] Such exposure is necessary in conducting research for the development of science and technology in countries. This opportunity serves as a means to gain knowledge to improve the oil and gas industry - and consecutively, the country. [...]

In terms of content for this portion, I would highly suggest that you try to be more specific with your options of intent. For instance, how specifically does the oil and gas industry help your country that you would need to mention it in the essay? While you have mentioned this in the succeeding paragraphs, it would be helpful if you could mention it earlier - briefly, at the very least. If you cannot, I suggest moving this portion of discussing and merging it with the concluding remarks of your essay.

In your last paragraph, I would revise certain portions as:

Furthermore, after having worked and creating an impact on the industry, I would like to obtain a PhD in the future with hopes of working in a Nigerian university. I aim to foster our knowledge for prospective engineers in the country. [...]

In terms of overall content, I can say that there is an imbalance with your discussion. You had extensively discussed the oil and gas industry in Nigeria; however, you were not able to expound on the discussion of what this degree means for your personal career development. I suggest trying to make concise the first and second parts to have more space for explaining your long-term goals as these are all equal in terms of weighing in on your scholarship application.

Best of luck.

Research Papers / How Lauryn Hill's Album Defines What It Means To Be Human [2]

Citations should always be placed at the end of sentences, not in the middle. This is applicable to all formats. Keep this in mind as you are writing.

I suggest that you try to create more concise writing through removing redundant words. As we are writing, especially academically, we have a tendency to utilize words that are non-noncontributing to the essay's substance. While these words do not do cause harm, it would helpful for you to polish your text through removing these words. These are mostly just add-ons to the essay's overall structure.

Try to create comprehensive texts that avoid repetitive words. If you find yourself using the same words, always try to play around with the sentence structure; if there are no alternatives, try to use synonymous terms. This can help with creating more organic essays that flow naturally.

Try to be more cautious with your punctuation placements. I have noticed that you have a tendency to misplace them; a good simple practice that will determine portions that necessitate a comma (or any punctuation, for that matter) is that as you are reading the texts, if you feel as though you need to pause in a specific portion, it is likely that there should also be a mark placed here. While this is not a golden rule, it can surely assist you if the determination is troublesome; keep this in mind as you are writing your essay.

If you find it difficult to follow through with conventions, I suggest that you try using simpler languages as you are constructing your sentences. Doing this can immensely help you in the long-run as you are writing. Academic essays, while a level of complexity is appreciated, do not necessitate the usage of laborious methods. Especially if you are creating informative essays, the goal is to relay the information efficiently.

Being cautious of the way that you construct your sentences will take you a long way.

If we take a look at your sixth paragraph, you also had committed the mistakes that I was indicating above.

[...] There is a notion that having a child will affect the success of women in the workforce; therefore, women are often pressured to choose between their career ambitions or child-rearing. If a woman cannot make the decision, they have to juggle motherhood and their careers at the expense of their child. Studies have shown that mothers are employed to benefit the child in the long-term (Hoffman). Yet, women are forced to deal with these societal pressures. [...]

In the succeeding paragraph, you had the similar mistakes.

[...] There are songs such as "Nothing Even Matters" and "When It Hurts So Bad" that give different perspectives to being in love. The first relays positive feelings that come with romantic relationships, while the latter expresses the struggle of being in a relationship. [...]

Remember that as you are writing, you should always try to be consistent with the forms of verbs that you are using. Doing this will help you evade potential mistakes when it comes to the overall construction of the sentence.

Keep all of these in mind for the rest of your essay. Best of luck.

Graduate / Statement Of Purpose (SOP) for industrial engineering (mtszfa) - to candidate for a Master's degree [4]

I like how you opened up your essay through a quotation. This is an innovative way to begin your composition. However, I would recommend that you should be wary of the way that you construct your sentences. I have noticed that you have issues when it comes to the forms of words, transitions, and the general formatting of the sentences. To evade this issue, you can always seek for proofreading; or if you cannot, you may also opt to create simpler sentences that will help you in the long-run before you proceed to using complex lines.

I would also recommend that you bear in mind that it would be more organic if you do not start your sentences with the qualifier/intensifier so. While this is acceptable in conversational English, written/academic essays should not utilize this as it is inappropriate. Try to seek alternatives that can carry a similar expression; or simply try to start the paragraph naturally.

If you can become more cautious with the way you construct sentences, you will be able to construct sentences more effectively. Remember that efficiency, creativity, and simplicity are all noteworthy skills when you are writing. Trying to be consistent with forms is also essential.

Once you get these technical aspects out of the way, I would recommend that you try expounding more on why you have chosen this particular institution. Discuss why you have chosen the university, what courses you are particular excited about, and how this will all contribute to your long-term career goals. The more specific you are, the better it will be.

Best of luck.

Writing Feedback / Money and social status as a factor for a career choice [3]

Try to use more appropriate words when you are constructing your essay. Notice also how you structure your sentences; ensure that you use appropriate words as you curate the context. It would also be helpful if you can rearrange your sentences to follow a more inductive pattern - doing this can enhance the content.

Let's to revise a couple parts of your essay.

Money is unable to purchase happiness, however it can lead to a fulfilling lifestyle. A lot of people consider salary and benefits when deciding what profession to partake in. While there are others who pursue their passion, money is an inevitably crucial factor when choosing a career. [...]

Notice how rearranging the structure and flow of sentences can lead you to have more concise content for your essay. Always take into consideration that as you are writing, trying to follow a particular style or pattern is critical to have a more dynamic flow for your essay. Moreover, I would also say that trying to minimize the possibility of you repeating words is also important. When you find yourself repeating the same terms over and over again, opt to retain only one and try to seek alternatives that are synonymous.

Try to also not be lazy when you are describing scenarios in your essay.

For instance, I can revise certain parts of your second paragraph as:

Firstly, it is difficult to deny that money leads to better life quality. [...] If people merely follow their passion for career choices, they forget the economical perspective; they will have difficulty persevering in a competitive society. [...]

Notice how instead of mentioning that it is a too hard of a choice to make, I mentioned that it is a difficult choice. Having hold of these synonyms is pivotal when you are constructing your essay. It can help you in having more effective descriptions that can lure the readers more.

Apply these comments to the rest of the essay. Best of luck!

Grammar, Usage / Help me with my research presentation and not plagiarizing! [3]

For as long as you cite, it won't be counted as plagiarism. This is applicable in most cases - even in PowerPoint presentations. Therefore, the texts you have provided will all not fall under plagiarized content because you were able to cite the original author. If you are using the original text, better either text block or use quotation marks. If you are revising or paraphrasing the content to make it more concise, it would be alright.

Research Papers / Impacts of Depression and Its Effects on People. Second greatest reason for disability in the world [3]

Watch out for the formatting of your text; always make sure that you are following the conventions of writing. I would recommend that you try to reread your essay and revise portions that are off-putting. I have also noticed that there is inconsistency when it comes to the form of verbs/words that you are using all throughout your essay. Try to be more wary of these things. The tone of your essay should always be informative and assertive, not informal and casual (ie. characterized by usage of terms that are not academic).

Let's take a look at your essay and revise certain portions.

For your introduction:
Depression has detrimental effects on the productivity of an individual's lifestyle: addiction to the abuse of drugs and substances, withdrawal from social circles, loss of sleep, poor performance in school and/or work, and possibility of neglect of their personal or social lives.

Notice how shifting around the arrangement of the structure of the words can help your essay have a more fluid flow. Notice how I had also merged together your thoughts on how depression affects their social lives and omitted the idea of broken marriages as the former already falls under the latter. Creating small changes like this can have a massive impact in creating more concise messages.

[...]
Even with the illness being ranked by the World Health Organization as the second most populated disability, only ten percent of the affected receive treatment.

You can opt to omit portions that are necessary. Try to be also utilize terms that are easier to understand (ie. instead of saying second greatest reason for disability, I mentioned that it is a populated disorder).

For your background and description:

[...] From another perspective, the depression is defined as a medical, syndrome-based disorder. [...] In this approach, a common pathophysiology has presumed set of signs and symptoms that occur altogether; and this will be accompanied with varied etiologies in different conditions. This helps in defining depression from mild to severe occurrences.

For the causes of depression:

[...]
This inhibits the ability of an individual to concentrate on tasks at hand, causing a reduced level of productivity on social and economical activities.

I have observed that in comparison to most essays, your academic composition is excellent; I would only recommend that you try to be more wary of your forms, preposition, and the overall tone that you are creating as you are writing. Remember that informative essays require that you try to maintain a neutral tone (therefore, avoiding as many unnecessary adjectives - not unless you are describing conditions) throughout the text. Best of luck!

Writing Feedback / Write a paragraph about your accomlishment you have had [3]

@Honglinh1996
Given that you are only given a paragraph, I would opt that you try to be straightforward and yet detailed. You can accomplish this through creating more concise content that does not beat-around-the-bush (so to say).

In terms of the technical composition, I can revise certain portions as:
My recent success is being at the top of the class; this has helped me develop a lot of qualities. Firstly, I developed a sense of confidence. [...] But my life changed when I began a new life for high school in Ho Chi Minh. [...] And eventually, I was in the first class by the end of the year. I was proud of my accomplishment, talking to my peers about it. This helped me gain friends. Furthermore, I cannot deny that persistence is a factor in my success. [...] I spent only three hours sleeping every night. Although I wanted to give up, I was determined to keep going.

Try to be more specific with the way that you phrase things. If you can evade mentioning the same words over and over again, it will be better for your essay. Always look for synonymous lines that have form-fitting structures that are more academically in line with your overall text.

Best of luck!

Writing Feedback / The immigrants should whether form their community or adopt the new local culture [3]

I would recommend having less complex, more concise sentences for your essay. Seeing that the essay also requires you to have more substance in terms of description, I would recommend that you try to be more descriptive with your content.

Let's take a look at your essay and revise a couple of portions.

[...] With the new environment, they need to either engage in the local lifestyle or form their own culturally-specific communities that maintain tradition. [...]

[...] Firstly, as these immigrants are the minority, they have to acquire socialization skills to live harmoniously with natives. [...]

Note: Notice how I had omitted a huge portion of the text and instead integrated it into the larger picture of your sentence; doing techniques such as this can improve your essay's overview. Furthermore, you were unclear as to what these immigrants have to acquire upon their immersion. For instance, you can mention socialization skills as I have - or perhaps delve into other integration issues that are commonplace in these types of metropolitan, multi-cultural cities.

Trying to replace your words with more appropriate and specific content with help you elevate your essay's structure. Furthermore, it will also help if you evade aggressive tones in academic essays as they are informal and do not contribute anything analytical to the content. Remember that even when you are reporting observations, you should maintain a neutral tone to ensure that you are able to facilitate the right judgement.

Try to be more specific with your wordings as you are structuring your essay. Try to also be consistent with the forms of verb, terminologies. You can always try to proofread your own essay, seek for second opinions, or simply consult your grammar books to ensure that you are on the right track.

Best of luck.

Writing Feedback / Today some people have to work away from their family. What are the advantages and disadvantages? [4]

@dohoa
Speaking of technicalities, I would advise you to be wary of the following: punctuation, length of sentences (ie. dragging sentences longer than they need to), overburdening your structure (ie. making complex ones when you can opt for simpler ones), and incoherent lines.

I recommend that as you are rereading and revising your essay, you should try to be more aware of small details that can influence the overall flow of the essay. Try to replace parts of the essay that can have more appropriate content. Try to also watch out for possibly becoming lazy when it comes to constructing your sentences (ie. using the word very instead of allocating a more in-depth adjective).

Let's take a look at some portions of your text and revise accordingly.

Being away from home can help people focus on tasks, resulting to quicker promotions. [...] It does not matter what we are doing; when we put all our energy into it, we can be efficient and innovative. [...]

Notice how I tried to move around the word forms in the first sentence to create more of an organic flow. I also removed the word very in front of efficient as the latter is already indicative of quite a high performance attitude (therefore is unnecessary to put too much). Creative is a word that can also be interpreted in many ways; try to be use synonymous terms instead.

I have also noticed that you had a tendency to keep repeating specific terms to pertain to family members. Instead of doing this, you can opt to say that they're your immediate family. Doing techniques such as this can make your essay writing simpler and yet effective in relaying the same line of thought.

If we go more in-depth in the third paragraph, I would revise the last portions as:
[...]
In difficult situations such as sickness and work-related challenges, we tend to seek for our family's companionship more as they take care of our well-being. From my experience, even though my husband cannot always find a solution to my issues, he will listen and encourage me to be decisive and brave. Therefore, there is less confidence in work and life when I am without him.

Being precise with your words is pivotal when you are curating essays. Be wary that your sentence structure can impact the overall quality of your essay, therefore you should opt to try and spice things up through having more organic content.

Best of luck.

Scholarship / My curiosity about machines. Supporting statement for Australia Award scholarship 2020 [5]

Is there a word count for this essay? If there is, I would recommend maximizing the space through omitting words that are unnecessary. If there is not, try to be more communicative and substantiate more through giving more details on your essay. You should also try to leverage your writing to be more academically proficient.

Having said that, let's try to implement and revise a couple portions for technicalities.

Since my childhood [...] machines, especially their structures, functions, and processes. [...]

Note: You have to be consistent with your usage of forms for formality purposes.

I finished my Mechanical Engineering degree with a passionate curiosity for machines.

Note: You should try to restructure your sentences to maximize space. Try to also insert adjectives that can display emotions vividly to showcase how devoted you are. Watch out for misuse of preposition. It is also informal to start a sentence with "so".

After five years in the work, I transferred to a department of an SME wherein I was responsible for providing services in my locale.

Note: Try to use the word version of the number for formality. It should be wherein because you are coming from a place/location-based text. You can also replace in my region to locale as both are synonymous (however, the latter appears more specific to an area within your jurisdiction). You do not need to mention the entire meaning of SME (ie. note that you can use acronyms for terminologies that are easily recognizable; it will still be appropriate).

In [insert country name], SMEs play a major role in economic development. However, given that they run on traditional platforms, they lack competitive knowledge in their respective sectors.

Note: Try to be more specific and concise. Notice how instead of using too many sentences that are complex, I tried to elevate the writing style through making a coherent sentence that can display the same thought as the one you were attempting to relay.

A lot of this is implementation of technique and knowing how to curate appropriate texts. It is also helpful to seek for second opinions; if you cannot, personally rereading your essay to learn from your own mistakes can also be beneficial in the long-run.

Best of luck.

Letters / Motivation letter for enrolling on the Master of Science degree in Public and Cultural Diplomacy [2]

Regards the technical composition of your essay, I would recommend that you try to be more wary and detail-oriented when you are constructing sentences. I have noticed that you have a tendency to have sporadic mistakes throughout the text; not to say that you cannot manage them, but looking over and rereading the entirety of the text to self-reflect will definitely help your essay. Watch out for punctuation (ie. look at paragraph four and five), preposition, articles, and hanging sentences (ie. sentences that do not have a distinct meaning to them ergo do not contribute to the essay's substance).

Furthermore, I would also recommend that you try to stay away from being too repetitive when it comes to terminologies. If you can merge two setences together that seemingly have synonymous meanings, you can opt to do this. Not only will it save you space, but it will make your essay more direct. Having hold of techniques such as this can assist your essay in the long-run because you will be able to have more clarity. Remember that while evaluators tend to have more patience when it comes to reading motivation letters for admissions, they are also driven and lured by texts that are short and sweet. Keeping it balanced is the key to getting noticed and remembered.

Let's take a look at your essay in detail. If I were you, I would revise the second paragraph's last two sentences as:

Underscoring the importance of incorporating cultural ideologies in peace-building and community development, policies should be curated in accordance to the variations present in society.

Notice how attempting to merge together two sentences while still remaining the meaning of it all would enable you to have more value within shorter texts.

I would also suggest that you can omit other details that are not related to your career, passion, or educational background (ie. the fact that you like playing baseball and football). These types of information are not necessary not unless you can link them back to the goal of your essay: to convince them that you deserve a spot in the university.

Mentioning world-class scholars like Galileo Galilee or Leonardo is also quite far-fetched. You should instead mention scholars within your field who may have either graduated from this university or from the country itself. Mention reputable people that you wish to emulate in the future. This will make this portion of your essay more in line with the goal.

While I think that your essay's last three paragraphs are quite sufficient and showcase a good level of passion for this particular goal, I would still opt that you try to be more specific with what you mean. For instance, you can mention courses you are looking forward to, professors within this university that you wish to learn from, or any country/university-specific experiences.

Be as in-depth as you possibly can. Best of luck!

Scholarship / Master of Commerce - How will the proposed study contribute to your career? [2]

Be wary of the way that you transition your sentences. I have noticed also that there were sporadic instances wherein you had stretched out your sentences, creating lengthy structures when you could have opted for a more concise format. Once you can determine these portions, you will be able to save space in your essay; this will optimize the content that you have. Moreover, I would also recommend that you try to

Let's take a look at your first paragraph; I would revise the third sentence as:
The lack of access to funds is a frequent barrier face by SMEs; this is because of two standard banking assumptions that prevent giving out loans. Loans cannot be approved without collateral and credit history.

I would also suggest to be more cautious when using (or not using, in this instance) prepositions. This can significantly affect the quality of your essay despite being minute parts.

For instance, in your third paragraph, I would revise one of the lines as:
[...] The proposed study will equip me with concepts and skills necessary to identify and develop opportunities in launching a startup, new product, or service. Moreoever, this program also caters to both individual and group projects. [...]

Try to be careful of these small details.

Aside from that, because this is a study plan explanation dedicated for a program, I would expect you to be more specific. I have noticed that you merely mentioned that you are fascinated by the curriculum. It would be helpful if you could explain why and which portions of it specifically do you think are in line with your career. Having more in-depth details as to how this entire thing can contribute to your program can assist you in building more substance to the essay.

Best of luck.

Writing Feedback / ELECTRICITY IS ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT DISCOVERIES [3]

@Krystal318
Technicalities-wise, I would recommend that you try to use more appropriate (ie. words whose meanings are more in line with what you want to relay) words when you're creating sentences. Keep in mind also that academic essays require that your tone of writing should be kept within a standard. You should also opt to remove portions of the text that are redundant, unnecessary, or do not add a lot of substance into the entirety of the content.

Let's try to revise a couple portions of your essay in relation to this.

In your first paragraph:
Since the beginning of the use of electricity around 200 years ago, the world has changed in a multitude of ways. This has brought light to people; consequently, this has helped humans in an array of things - from simple things, chores, to grander things, space traveling. [...]

In the second paragraph:
[...] Another concern was the lack of light after the sun has set. [...] (The explanation about how others in the past have a stronger communal connection because of the lack of electricity can be omitted because it does not fit in the context of the essay/the goal of the essay.)

In the third paragraph:
Well-lit days is necessary for activities. [...] Electricity also assists in fostering communication. [...]

You should also be wary of your lack and excessive usage of articles. This can have an impact on the organic flow of your essay. Alongside this, be cautious also of the forms of verb you are using.

For instance, in your last paragraph, the third sentence should be:
The benefits brought by electricity are countless.

Best of luck.

Writing Feedback / [IELTS WRITING TASK 2] Education from school or parents? [4]

@trinhmaicoi

Try to not be repetitive when you're constructing your essay. When you find yourself repeating the same sentence or phrase about more than two times in a single paragraph, always be wary and seek for alternatives. Remember that when you are constructing your essay, your goal is to be able to add as much substance and direction to its content. That is to say that you should try to be more straightforward; never go back to the same line of thought even as you are concluding your paragraph. Be concise.

Let's take a look at your second paragraph. If I were you, I would revise some portions as:
[...] it is the family that has the greatest impact on children. A child naturally mimics what his parents do because of the time he spends with them. [...] if the children hear their parents using bad language, they would do the same.

I also recommend being more wary with your words. For instance, it is unnecessary to mention that it's good moral qualities (just opt to say that one needs to have morals and knowledge) as it becomes redundant.

Aside from that, I think that you have a decent sentence construction. Best of luck!

Writing Feedback / Abolishing public transit fares to cut chronic traffic congestion [3]

@nguyenphuonganh
Like what I tell most people, try to be more concise with your language. When you're constructing sentences, always try to keep in mind that you're working with a word count. Revise as much as you can when you're practicing because this will help you develop a more put-together skill set.

Let's try to revise a couple of points in your essay.

In your first paragraph:
Traffic congestion has evolved into a major concern. While others believe that giving free public transport for residents is the best way to resolve it, there are disadvantages to this.

Note that you do not need to mention that it is in society because it is a given. You also do not need to mention that these are disadvantages for providing free public transport because you already mentioned it earlier in the sentence. If you can cut down these unnecessary texts, you will be surprised how many word counts you can ultimately save.

In your second paragraph:
Free public transportation is ideal for many reasons. [...] population who prefer public transport will increase regardless of what infrastructure the government will provide. [...] people will use these instead of their private cars. [...] one of the primary reasons for congestion; therefore, reduction of personal cars can assist in resolving the issue.

I had changed a great idea to ideal as they pertain to the same thought. I also tried to omit as much unnecessary words as possible.

In your third paragraph:
[...] by providing free transportation [...] the government will face a budgetary problem to provide the public service. In many cities, traffic fees collected from personal vehicles play an important economic role - thus why transportation is not free. [...]

Try to implement techniques that you can notice from here - and you'll do well. Best of luck.

Writing Feedback / All School Subjects or Subjects of Interest - Ielts Task 2 Essay [4]

@Erica Atlas
When you're writing for IELTS, always be wary of having lengthy sentences. Because the nature of the test requires you to work with word counts, precision in your language is key. Once you have this in the picture, you will be able to implement more techniques that will teach you how to optimize your space.

I think your introductory paragraph is sufficient. However, looking at your second paragraph, I would opt to revise the third and last lines as:
If teenagers are forced to learn an array of subjects, they may lack energy; this can result to being unable to develop their special talents. If they are unable to get ideal scores in low-performing subjects, it might affect their confidence.

Notice how I had tried to omit or replace words that stretched the paragraph thin. I had also tried to incorporate a variety of transitions (semi-colons, for instance) to have more of an organic flow to the essay. I had also tried to change words to a more appropriate counterpart (ie. wide range to array, subjects they are not interested in [changed due to length] to low-performing subjects, and undermine [inappropriate in this context to use] to affect).

Lastly, I may suggest that you merge your last two paragraphs together as leaving the concluding paragraph like that appears to be out-of-place. Try to be more specific with your text.

Best of luck.

Graduate / This essay is about letter of intent for my graduate studies in Canada - Masters in Education [2]

Your essay had a creative approach to showcasing your intention. Still, I would rather prefer that you try to minimize this - and instead allocate your creativity in trying to be more descriptive about things. I have noticed that a chunk of your text were quite not-so-straightforward attempts to establishing your goals; you should instead try to be more specific about what your goals are, how you want to change the way that you teach in the future, and then try your best to give vivid examples of how you want to project your values to these children. Once you have accomplished this, I think that your essay will be much more wholesome in establishing your goals to the evaluators.

The introduction, I think, is brilliant. I would only suggest that after mentioning the quotation that you placed in the beginning, you should create a separate paragraph for explaining your intent and goals. Furthermore, I would also recommend that you try to incorporate more specific examples. Say, for instance, as you are discussing a lack of core values and motivation strategies, it would be helpful if you could be specific about what these are and how you wish to change them. If you are discussing a specific type of educational culture, it would be beneficial if you can expound through examples how this plays out in real life. Remember that evaluators love it if you can pay in-depth attention to detail; prove that you know what you are talking about.

In terms of that last paragraph, I would recommend that you try to indulge the evaluators a little bit more on why you have chosen this country and the university. What makes Canada stand out? What does Canada have to offer that your home country (assuming you are not Canadian) cannot? What excites you about the teaching style in this country?

Just try to incorporate more details, and you'll be alright. Best of luck.

Scholarship / AAS Essay: Development Studies in Melbourne and Communication at the University of Queensland. Why? [3]

The delivery and execution of your essay in terms of providing sufficient details as to why this is the program you want to partake in is decent. I would only say that you need to be more wary of being specific. While you were able to give a general outlook of things, you were quite broad when it comes to discussing your goals and prospects. For instance, in your first paragraph, you were discussing that you're going to be granted knowledge and skills to excel in the industry. Can you be more specific as to what these things are? How exactly do these courses affect your career in the long-run? If you can be more specific and potentially apply them into a working context of why you have chosen this, then it'll be better overall for you.

As for your second paragraph, you need to be cautious of your grammatical composition; I can tell that you had a few lapses in terms of this throughout the essay. Always try to evade lengthy sentences as much as possible; given that you are an ESL learner, you are most definitely more prone to committing fundamental mistakes. I would suggest simpler texts, sprinkled with a bit of descriptive words, and assured to be straightforward would always be your best bet.

For instance, if we were to look at your third sentence in here, I can revise this as:
Development personally concerns me; however, I have never seen how development projects work and how it shapes society.

Notice how I tried to eliminate redundant words, attempted to retain the same train of thought, and encompassed all necessary details while still trying to be more concise with language.

Just remember: simplicity and the more concise, the better. Best of luck.

Writing Feedback / Space Exploration and Humankind Existence - IELTS TASK 2 [5]

There should always be a balance when it comes to constructing your sentences. While I generally advise people to evade complex structures (as a small denture can impact your essay greatly in terms of quality), if you are confident enough in these formats, you may do it.

A mixture of both simple and complex sentences are what create effective, heart-pounding essays. This is ideally, of course. This is also assuming that one has already grasped the fundamentals of the language. I suggest playing around a bit until you find and land a rhythm that you are comfortable with. Once you do this, you will be able to write organically.

However, please do note that the usage of redundant words does not equate to a complex sentence structure. A complex sentence structure can be interpreted in a multitude of ways. It would be up to you to decipher what this entails for you. But, if you were to ask me, I would opt that complex sentences wherein you try to correlate and integrate two separate clauses (or clusters of thought) in one sentence should always be reserved and kept at bay.

Again, it really is a matter of preference in the end.

Essays / learn about essay, my self in interview in my career in finance [7]

Economics is quite a broad term, sadly. You need to be more specific about which portion of economics you wish to be a part of. Only then will you be able to discuss the structure of the career essay. I do recommend following the fundamental formal still. Because economics majors often do not have tear-jerking stories about how they found their passion for the career (unlike, for instance, medical students who may have undergone traumatic accidents or have witnessed one - therefore pushing them to pursue the career), you are often left with using words to articular how passionate you are about the field. Talk about what insane concepts in economics are applicable in real-life. You know how they say that economics is all about uplifting the poor? It would be nice if your career essay had a socio-political or socio-cultural angle that makes it astounding; talk about helping the people through the career by promoting policies that do not discriminate a particular sector. There's so much space to talk; make it your own.

Ultimately, what I would suggest is incorporating anecdotes, merging it with your personal experience in the field, and showcasing an in-depth devotion to the field. This will take you far in the field.

Scholarship / Chemical engineering - achievements and career goals. [2]

Try to minimize your usage of filler words that do not add substance/content to your essay. Doing this can help optimize your essay's writing space because you would be more straightforward with what you want to say. Evade lengthy sentences that have complex structures; you should rather use simpler sentences that can evoke the right emotion.

Let's take a look at your first paragraph.

For one, the introductory sentence can be rewritten as:
I took part in an integrated project this semester, making it my first experience in applying chemical engineering principles.

Notice how moving a couple of words around, tossing in a comma to mark a transition, and removing unnecessary words can help you create smoother sentences that do not drag too long. These sentences, furthermore, are able to retell the same story while still saving you space for more details in other portions of the text.

When it comes to the third sentence, you were encountering the same issues. I would revise this line as:
I had developed leadership, structural problem-solving, critical observation, and communication skills from needing to enhance cooperation for longer periods of time to meet deadlines.

As for your second paragraph, I suggest that you add a comma or a semi-colon in between productive and while to have a better transition. You should also do the same in the succeeding sentence between thinkers and so.

In terms of content, I think that you need to be more specific about what you want to achieve. While you had laid out fundamental principles, you weren't able to substantiate how these function in the real-world. I would suggest that you try to revisit a moment in your past wherein you had encountered an analytical issue and was not able to solve it. You can discuss how you now have the skills and intuition to resolve these problems, making you more competent in the long-run.

The more specific you are, the better.

Best of luck.

Writing Feedback / Space exploration costs tax payers an exorbitant amount of money each year. -Ielts Task 2 Essay [4]

I recommend that you try to be more concise with your language, especially because you are dealing with word counts in these types of essays.

Let's take your first paragraph's introductory sentence as an example. I can revise this as:
In support of space exploration, a huge investment is carried out by the government using people's taxes.

Notice how instead of mentioning that a large part of it is from the taxes of the people, I had simply mentioned that they carried out the investment using these taxes. This simplifies your sentence structure because it encompasses everything you want to say while removing unnecessary parts. It is noticeable how you usually lengthen your sentences; I would therefore suggest that you try to implement this more when you're writing.

For instance, let's look at your second paragraph's second sentence. I could phrase this instead as:
Satellites are placed around the atmosphere to monitor changes through detecting anomalies and passing information back to earth.

Notice how omitting certain key words can greatly enhance your essay. Substantiation does not always pertain to adding a lot of words into the essay. You better instead allocate this space for more concrete content.

I would also watch out for how you transition your sentences. For instance, if we were to look at your third paragraph, you should utilize semi-colons more to have a better flow to your essay. Doing this will vastly improve your structure.

Best of luck.

Writing Feedback / The frequency of people in the USA consumed in fast food eateries - Ielts cambridge 12 task 1 test 5 [4]

Firstly, I would suggest switching up your usage of verbs/words to have more appropriate content.

Let's take a look at your first sentence; I would revise this as:
The bar chart contains information on the frequency of fast food consumption in the United States from 2003 to 2013.

I have done a couple of key things here. Firstly, I changed gives to contains because it is has a more appropriate meaning that is related to your succeeding interpretations of the text. Secondly, I also made certain that there is more clarity with what you want the readers to know. The chart contains information on the frequency of fast food consumption; I find that this formatting enables you to optimize your word count more because you do not need to mention that it is an eatery. Knowing how to merge your details together will be pivotal when you are working with word counts.

Moreover, I suggest that you merge the hanging second line into the first line that you already have in order to create a more comprehensive introduction text. I also recommend that you look at your usage of articles (the, a, an) when you are articulating (ie. it should be people in the states frequently ate in a fast food restaurant - not unless you want to make it plural making it ate in fast food restaurants).

You had decent transitions between your sentences in the third paragraph. I would only suggest that you try to minimize these transition words (ie. it's unnecessary for you to include one in every sentence; organically shifting from one part to another can still be achieved).

Just keep these in mind. Best of luck!

Writing Feedback / [IELTS Writing Task 2] Too many people maintain their health by relying on doctors and medicine [2]

I firstly recommend that you try to have more clarity when it comes to what you want to say in your essay. When you're rereading your essay as you are editing it yourself, always ask yourself the appropriate questions. For instance, if we were to take a look at your first paragraph, I can come up with the following questions:

1. What services in particular are people depending on?
2. What counts as a serious illness?
3. Why has the values of society shifted away from keeping in shape? What happened?

If you can answer these questions briefly, it can improve the content of your essay because it'll provide a more solid foundation.

I would also say that you have to be wary about your usage of verbs, especially when it comes to tenses. Always maintain consistency. If a sentence uses a singular noun/subject, use a singular verb. This rule should be applied throughout your essay.

If I were to revise your first paragraph, I can rewrite it as:
Improvements in healthcare have reduced the risk of illnesses such as [...], causing people to depend on the medicinal services. The value of keeping in shape is slowly deteriorating because of [...]. That being said, doctors and medical care are still the best method for health maintenance.

Notice how I tried to be more specific with the content while avoiding being redundant. Doing this can help your essay optimize its limited space through integrating these techniques and forms.

Let's take a look at your second paragraph. I would revise the second line as:
It takes roughly five to six years of training to become a doctor; medicine undergoes numerous laboratory experiments before being put to the market.

It is quite informal to use the numbers straight-up. Because of this, I would opt that you write down the entire essay - not unless you are required to do otherwise. I had also found it unnecessary to mention that scientists are the ones who conduct experiments considering that they are the only ones qualified to accomplish this type of work. If a portion of the information is easily known (general knowledge), then it is alright to omit it from your essay. This will save you words to be able to utilize that in correct ventures.

Keep these in mind as you are reviewing your essay. Best of luck!

Scholarship / Australia Award Scholarship 2019/2020 - PT. SPIL shipping line company in Indonesia [3]

Because of the word count limitations, it is pivotal that you are able to relay all the necessary background information alongside showcasing a tangible link between the organisation and the scholarship. This is tricky; what I would only suggest is try to be more concise with your language.

For instance, in your first sentence, I would revise a couple of wordings/phrases here as follows:
...operates its own vessels and containers; it has no experts, however, in export development encompassing financial and agreements-based trade, marketing, and strategic promotion.

Notice how I tried to integrate more techniques when it comes to the flexibility of the usage of punctuation (inserted a semi-colon when appropriate). I also tried to be less redundant with the words (ie. avoid mentioning trade and exports too many times than necessary). If it is possible, you may also omit the usage of adjectives (ie. strategic) and instead just go straight to the skill itself (ie. mention that it is promotional marketing and not necessarily marketing and strategic promotion separately). This is easy to do especially if the skills are quite synonymous with each other.

Best of luck.

Writing Feedback / The significance of the music: traditional and international - IELTS 2 [3]

Firstly, I have noticed that you were quite confusing when it comes to verb-noun usage. There were instances wherein you had used the wrong form in your sentence, affecting the overall writing construction of your essay. I would suggest that you try to revisit the fundamentals in order to evade this problem as there is no other way than doing that.

Let's take a look at your first paragraph. I would revise this as:
Music has nowadays become an integral part of people's lives. People can relax, improve their concentration, and become motivated to be active through listening to music; this is the significance of music.

Notice how instead of mentioning that it is more important, I tried to replace it with a word that is similar in expression but is more direct with its impact: integral. I had also shifted around the wordings of the second sentence to have more appropriate tone. Lastly, I had also integrated the usage of a semi-colon to create a smoother transition between sentences that are strongly correlated. Doing small steps such as this can help improve your essay; apply this all throughout.

There is no need for you to use an article, the, before traditional and international music because they are neither formal words nor pronouns. It is more appropriate to leave it as is and to integrate the words together (ie. [...] traditional and international music have become controversial [...]).

You should try to be clearer with what you are trying to convey. What do you mean by the third sentence of your second paragraph? How does the overlap of the ceremony and the national anthem mean that people have lost sight of how significant traditional music is? Try to reconstruct this sentence to make it articular. A good way to do this is to create simpler sentences that are both descriptive and direct to the point to not confuse the readers.

Watch out for the forms of your word. For instance, in your third paragraph's first sentence, it should be written as amount of people that listen to it and its function rather than what is written right now. It should be listening to music (on the succeeding sentence) rather than listen these music. Having better hold of the forms can help your essay's structure become more academically proficient.

Implement these comments all throughout your essay. Best of luck.

Scholarship / How Does This Study Improve My Career Prospects [3]

Try to be more consistent with your usage of verb tenses. I have noticed that you had a tendency to move around the tenses; note that when you are writing, you should be wary of changing this too much because consistency is key when it comes to writing.

Moreover, I would suggest that you try to incorporate more personal details into your essay. For instance, while your essay has a general direction of what you want to happen as you are studying, you are still lacking that prospective approach. What exactly do you want to happen in your career? How will these courses be useful for you in the career that you want to partake in? If you do not have a general idea mapped out of what you want to happen, you can tackle perhaps your idealizations. Even if the ideal situation or career that you want to happen is quite far-fetched, you can still incorporate it into this text. Remember that what the question is asking is for you to link how the study you want to be a part of is going to contribute to the longevity of your career. By being more detailed and specific, you are improving your chances of being given a shot.

I would also recommend that you can integrate your past experiences through this writing. How is studying in this academic institution different from all other opportunities you have had before? How will you be able to attain your long-term goals through being part of this program? Why have you chosen this country and this university aside from the statistical evidence that this is a great program to be in?

The more personalized you make your essay, the better it would be.

Best of luck.

Writing Feedback / Specialization in one sport at an early age [2]

You can improve your essay through incorporating more substantiated content in its entirety. Try to evade laziness when it comes to being descriptive (ie. using words such as very when there are alternative options that can express this in a clearer manner). Try to also maximize the space that you have for your essay; this pertains to using more concise language to be able to adjust your essay accordingly. When you are constructing your essay, keep in mind that it is for academic standards. This means that you should always try to incorporate different techniques and style to showcase a grasp of the language.

For instance, if I were to revise the first lines of your essay, I would put it this way:
There are parents who believe that involving their children in just one sport would help them excel competitively in the field. This notion has to be discussed from two sides: positive and negative.

Notice how I had mentioned that the children would excel competitively - instead of just saying that they would be very skilled and competitive. While the latter tells the story as well, the former appears to be more straightforward with what you would want to happen.

Watch out for your usage of preposition. I have noticed that, in your third sentence, the word you are looking for is that they would gain more experience in the sport (not to the sport because it is not a movement towards it, rather is incorporating the skills in the act itself). Knowing these nuisances can help your essay become more meaningful.

Try to crack down your sentences into smaller content; this will help you become more direct. For instance, in your fifth to the last sentence, it should be written as:

In addition, early childhood training would reap the most benefits because of how it trains them to get used to the movements.

Keep in mind these comments the next time you write. Best of luck!

Writing Feedback / IELTS AC 12 Test 7 - the perceptions of high speed rail in a country [2]

Right off the bat, you should be wary of your usage of verbs because of the tenses. You can easily fix this through revising your text to have more appropriate forms. If you want to evade this issue altogether, I would recommend try having simpler structures in your essay to have more flow in your essay. What I mean by this is that you should try to be more straightforward when it comes to curating content.

For instance, if I were to revise the introductory sentence of your first paragraph, I would revise this as:
The constant rise of prices of everyday goods comes with the need to renovate public transportation.

Notice how instead of using a comma and a non-conventional format for the sentence, I tried to make a clear-cut structure that is just one line. Having this concise composition can transform your writing. Moreover, I had also removed the usage of articles (the) when it's unnecessary. Doing this can help cultivate that straightforward articulation.

We can apply this as well to the succeeding sentence. I can revise this as:
Moreover, the rapid advancements in technology has overshadowed the construction of mass transportation.

Knowing how to use words to be able to cushion your thoughts into smaller chunks of text will be useful when you're writing for essay tests like IELTS because you are essentially bound by the word count.

When you're making an argumentative essay, it is also not essential for you to mention that there is a supporter and an opposition. You can simply mention that there are advantages and disadvantages. This latter format is better because it is more appropriate when you are making academic essays.

Try to be wary of your usage of verbs as well; always make sure that the words you are using are the appropriate ones. For instance, manipulating the system (second paragraph) can be interpreted differently than how you have phrased/intended it this way. What you can say is that the staff do not have the appropriate training to manage the complexity of the system. Saying it in this manner uses a more appropriate terminology.

What is being asked for when they ask you to incorporate examples is for you to substantiate the context. For example, if you believe that the allocation of government budget should be focused on public infrastructure and transportation, you can mention a country that has implemented policies that reflect this - and then proceed to link your arguments to the overall context of the essay.

Best of luck.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1 Line Graph - number of consumers who spent money on a books in some European Countries [3]

The first sentence's formatting is quite complex and baffling; I would recommend try shifting around the thoughts to make it appear structured. Try eliminating words that are unnecessary (filler words) as well to have more content.

If I were you, I would put it this way:
The line graph reflects the money spent on books over a period of ten years between 1995 and 2005 in four European countries: Germany, France, Italy, and Austria.

In addition to the comments above, I had also replaced indicates with reflects as it is more appropriate when it comes to graphical interpretation (ie. indicates means to pertain to and is more relevant if you are making an analysis based on text, while reflects pertains to more of a visual interpretation). I had also removed the capitalization on the word countries because it is quite unnecessary in this context.

Watch out for your usage of preposition. For instance, in your second paragraph, notice how it should be by the end of the year rather than in the end of the year because you were speaking of a movement that stopped at one point. Using more appropriate preposition can help elevate your writing.

Try to use more formal language in general. For instance, in the last sentence of your second paragraph, it is quite noticeable how it lacks that concise flow that is required of technical analysis. If I were to revise this portion, I would say:

Although Austrians spent the least amount of money in 1995, this increased exponentially in the following years, taking over Italy in 2003. They had reached 62 million US dollars, ranking in third overall.

Notice how simply separating these sentence into two different lines can help have more structure in your essay. I had also tried to minimize the usage of redundant, repetitive words (in this case, money was mentioned twice even though it was unnecessary).

Try to apply these recommendations and comments the next time that you try to create technical, interpretative content. Best of luck.

Research Papers / The Abstract of the research of the route direction [2]

I would suggest that you try to use formal language to help your essay become more structured. When you're making academic essays, you should make sure that you follow through with the conventions of writing. You should also try to be more concise with your language. What this means is trying to evade sentences that are too vague or incomprehensible. When you find yourself rereading the essay and finding some portions quite baffling, then it would only be right to have at least restructure the essay to make it easier on the readers.

Let's try to break down some portions of your essay.

The second sentence has two primary flaws: unclear premise for what it wants to portray and confusing usage of terms. What are you trying to say in this sentence? That route directions are taken from the perspective of the speaker? If you try to be more direct with your language, you can fix these issues.

If I were you, therefore, I would phrase it this way:
Route directions are taken from the perspective that a speaker has.

Notice how saying this is more clear rather than saying that a speaker takes from this direction as it is unclear what is to be taken. This is a simple sentence construction issue; it is fixable at the very least. Try to stick to using speaker instead of direction giver because the latter is off-putting when you're speaking of academic language.

The same errors were committed in the third sentence as well. Remember that you should try to be more concise with your language.

Try to be more consistent as well with your verb usage. When you're retelling a story, then you better use past tense when it comes to articulating.

Moreover, try to use more transitions. For instance, when speaking of your third to fourth last sentences, you can utilize a semi-colon instead of a comma to have more flow with your content. Doing this will make it seem that these two sentences are interconnected.

If you have any questions, don't hesitate. Best of luck.

Graduate / The inevitable decision to be an artist. Graduate SOP for SCAD (Illustration) [2]

I appreciate the content, flow, and construction of your essay; it's immensely full of intimate anecdotes that will serve you positively when it comes to creating impact for the people. I would say, though, that my recommendations are on the basis of my own personal perspective - do take it with a grain of salt.

I like your insertion of the cultural reference on the Japanese concept of Ma. I think that to heighten the connection between your concepts in the essay, it would be best if you could incorporate this analogy all throughout your essay. I would recommend that you try to add this in the introductory portions of your essay, making a briefing of what it is and how it has influenced your life (or has resonated to you as an individual). By doing this, your concluding remarks in your essay would be better tied in with the entirety of your content.

I would also appreciate it if you could have more details about your passion for SCAD. As an essay that is supposed to be dedicated for it, you only mentioned it by the very of your essay. While these personal details are necessary when it comes to telling your story as it is, I also think that you should be able to incorporate it more at the very least sporadically throughout your content. Doing this can create more linkages between your background and determination for the program itself.

Best of luck.

Writing Feedback / Should state and local authorities offer tertiary education to all students with no charge? [3]

I think that in terms of content and structure, your essay is quite topnotch. Most of my recommendations/suggestions are made for you to optimize the space that you have for your essay.

Firstly, I think that you should try to evade or minimize your usage of words that do not contribute to the essay. What I mean by this are filler words (usually adjectives) that do not substantiate the content. While oftentimes adjectives are acceptable, when you have topics like this that do not require a descriptive answer, you can opt to eliminate them to avoid being too lengthy. This is especially useful if you're working with test essays (IELTS) because you are working with a word count. Try to create sentences that are more concise to help you in this manner.

In your second paragraph, for example, I can revise your second to third paragraph as:
Firstly, although there are a few academic achievers in high school, they can't get into universities because of the expenses. Monetary matters are obstacles to education and career paths of students.

Notice how instead of mentioning students and high schools separately, I tried to incorporate and condense it more in that sentence. I've also merged together education path and career path because they are under the same platform here. There is also no need for you to mention that the career is in the future as the thesis of the paragraph already mentioned that it is for high school.

Moreover, I would also suggest that you try to use more appropriate structures when you're constructing your sentences. For instance, if we take a look at your third paragraph, we can noticeably see that you were trying to utilize transition words in almost every sentence. While these words are useful, they sometimes clutter your essay and hinder a smooth, organic transition between your sentences. I would recommend removing the therefore in front of your third sentence and instead using a semi-colon. Using forms of transition such as this can help build more dynamics in your essay.

Keep this in mind as you are writing. Good luck!

Writing Feedback / If you had the power to change anything in your country, what would you most like to change and why? [4]

@Krystal318
Try to be more formal with your language. I have noticed that there were instances wherein you could have used better phrasings to make your essay appear more put-together.

Let's take a look at your first paragraph. Not only is it lacking the brief introduction that is usually necessary when you're establishing what the content and thesis of your essay is going to be, but it also was quite informal. When you're curating your sentences, you can always opt to have more academically correct structures.

If I were to revise this, I would place it as:
There are numerous issues that engulf [country name]: poverty, corruption, educational system, and others. If I were to choose one to discuss, it would be infrastructure. In particular, I would change the transit system.

Notice how I had tried to incorporate more of the right punctuation alongside structuring the essay with a step-by-step flow. Dividing your complex sentences into separate portions can improve the quality because it shows more distinction and levels of argumentation.

On your second paragraph, I would say that you should try to rephrase your opening line. It appears to be timid when you just mention that you the number of public transport is too small. What you could say is, for instance, that the public transportation system is inaccessible in other portions of the country. Phrasing it this way gives a more direct problem rather than just mentioning numbers. You should also try to be more descriptive when you are trying to explain a problem. Try incorporating more adjectives in your essay, for example.

Your verb tenses also have a tendency to be all over the place. I recommend that you try to be more consistent with it, especially in your third paragraph. If you can do this, you will be able to evade these small mistakes that negatively impact your essay.

Best of luck.

Research Papers / ENG102 - Taking a Stand Against Bullying [2]

I can't quite pinpoint what type of citation format you are using. From what I can see, it's supposed to be APA; the construction of your citations, however, comes off as quite confusing. I would suggest that you try to be more concise and consistent with its usage.

On another note, I would say that you need to have more correlation between your title and the content of your essay. What exactly is being asked for in the essay's requirements? It seems as though your title is dedicated for a discussion on what should be done to go against bullying; however, the text you have in the essay is composed mainly of definitions related to bullying. While the latter is essential, it shouldn't be the main component of your essay - not unless you are specifically asked to do this. It would be best if you could expound more on perhaps various organizations that tackle bullying; you can even provide an extensive analysis of how academic institutions, for instance, handle these situations. You just need to be a more creative with the content that you come up with.

If you're concern is regarding the usage of other sources, it is always good to keep it to a minimum of at least two per page (300 words). It is also recommended to only have citations on the first half of the paragraph - not on the latter portions. A general rule of thumb is that if you do not necessarily have to cite everything. Things that are common knowledge, for instance, do not need to be cited. This is reserved for information that may be too specific or technical for a regular person to know.

Every critical essay is also expected to have a portion that contains an analytical perspective all from you. This part is supposed to contain your personal interpretation of the information. Since every essay contains a fundamental question or query that you are trying to resolve, it is only right to have a portion that is dedicated to answering that. From what I can read from your first paragraph, your essay is supposed to answer to what should be done regarding bullying in terms of at least diminishing it. What I can suggest therefore is you try to create your own answer/interpretation to this. What should be done on the ground/communal level to answer to it?

I have noticed that the fundamental mistake you had for your essay is the fact that you did not have quite a specific structure to follow; it was quite all over the place in terms of content. I would highly suggest that you try to be clearer when it comes to your essay's purpose. Try to distinguish what you want to accomplish by the end of all the text.

Best of luck.

Scholarship / AAS MBA in Entrepreneurship - Why study your chosen subject? [3]

Watch out for your usage of preposition. I have noticed that this was a sporadic mistake that you had all throughout your essay. It is also noticeable how you had instances wherein were creating lengthy sentences without using appropriate punctuation and pauses. Knowing when and how to add these pauses can help your essay in terms of flow. I would also recommend watching out your usage of articles and verb tenses.

It is also always helpful if you use more formal words/language when constructing your essay; this will help with the overall look of your essay.

Let's take a look at your first paragraph and apply these comments. If I were you, I would revise the first two lines as:

Firstly, I chose the Masters of Commerce with specialization on innovation and entrepreneurship; this is influenced by my passion for entrepreneurial practices. I spent my high school managing our family business, working through its peaks and downtime.

Notice how I had rightfully placed a the before the Masters of Commerce because of it's a pronoun that requires this. I had also made sure that I removed redundant words (ie. when it's a passion, it's unnecessary to put big before it as the word itself is already indicative of that). Moreover, I also tried to articulate it in a more formal way (ie. changing the sentence structure and replacing ups and downs with peaks and downtime to appear more put-together in terms of language). Doing things such as this will improve your essay's construction. I suggest applying it all throughout the essay.

In terms of content, I would also suggest to try to be more specific. For instance, you can delve more into what particular courses you are excited about, what makes the institution itself the best out of all. You have slightly done the latter, but it would be nicer if you could be more explicit. Perhaps you can mention data and statistics about how good the academic environment is. If you know someone personally who has gone to the school, you can do a small story-time to relay this information.

Best of luck.

Research Papers / English 102 - Mobile IV Therapy: AZ IV Medics [2]

A couple of mistakes that I had noticed sporadically scattered throughout the essay:
1. Misuse of capitalization
2. Lengthy sentences that have too many thoughts compressed into one
3. In relation to the second point, lengthy paragraphs that can be structured better through creating more of a flow
4. Misuse of punctuation
5. Informal language

Depending on the purpose and intention of the essay, the fifth point could be forgivable. But seeming as the essay is intended to be formal with the way in which you had submitted it and even included a chunk of citations found at the bottom, I would assume that your essay requires a professional/academic level of formality. Having said that, I would recommend that you try to avoid words that do not flow well with that specific formatting.

Let's look at your sixth paragraph. I would revise this first line as:
I met my first botched gastric sleeve patient a few years ago. The person had undergone weight loss surgery. While it was effective in slimming down, the surgery was incorrectly performed.

Notice how I had tried to divide the structure into three differences, making the direction of the story clearer. Restructuring this way can also help you evade having incoherent sentences from lengthy portions that do not necessarily assist with your flow. Having said that, I would also suggest that you try to keep this in mind when you're writing. Moreover, I would also highly recommend that you don't use words such as very because they take away from the essay's quality. Adding words like this can just come off as laziness in writing.

Moreover, I would also suggest that you try to avoid being repetitive with the tone of your text. When you are attempting to be persuasive in a text that has a lot of technical terminologies, I would opt that you try to be more firm with your words.

For instance, in your eight paragraph, I would revise the third sentence as:
We are able to give the patient fluids. If they have past the twelfth month mark in their pregnancy, it is also possible to give medicine for nausea.

Here, I have divided it into two different sentences. Moreover, I had also replaced 12 weeks pregnant (informal) withtwelfth month mark (more formal). It is also not tolerable for you to mention that it's a nausea medicine because the first term cannot be used as an adjective or descriptor. Rather, you can mention that it is a medicine intended for this particular disease/condition. This latter formatting will appear more academically relevant.

Keep these in mind as you are rewriting your essay. Best of luck.