Scholarship / scholarship essay - governance practice and leadership development [3]



Governments and Citizens:
Good governance
1. Economic Decentralization
2. Deregulation of some industries: more competition and lower prices for Banking trucking, airlines and telecommunications

Leadership development:
1. Learning: how individuals focus on learning process, by training and coaching
2. Visioning: ability to formulate a clear image of the aspired future of organization units: Banking trucking, airlines and telecommunications

Now your time to combine those different substances

Hope this helps :D

Writing Feedback / Watching television is one of the simplest ways to relax after hard working time [5]

541 words... did you finish it within 30 minutes?
If it is not, then you better concentrate more on answering the task on time rather than lengthening your essay.

Do you write 5 paragraphs? Yes. You write one introduction, three bodies, and one conclusion. In the bodies, you develop ideas by writing two content paragraphs arguing for and one against. This can help you write more words, but some students, that I see, put grandiose ideas, by writing too many words. Also, I see there is an undeveloped conclusion or introduction

To justify what I'm saying, have a look at the intro:


I have used this phrase. Also, from some corners of the world I see that many students think this 'memorized expression' is much more acceptable. To tell you the truth it doesn't impress the readers at all because it is too common for words. You'd better rewrite this expression.

the conclusion:


Where do you get this? Do the thesis statement and the paras mention this part ? For concluding paragraph, I think you don't need to add extra information.

Well then, let's go on the 4 paragraphs.

With a 4-paragraph essay, you are easy to develop your paragraph properly, one content paragraph for, and one againts. This is good for coherence and cohesion between the sentence-paragraph-essay development, and for which in the five paragraphs this is weak.

Hope this helps :D

Essays / How to write a Memo? An intro to the criminal Law. [5]

Here are the objectives of criminal Laws.
- Retribution - Deterrence - Incapacitation - Rehabilitation
Then you break them down into memo format. To learn more the structure of memo-writing, please visit this link: owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/590/04/.

Hope this helps :D

Writing Feedback / (IELTS essay) It is becoming more and more difficult to escape the influence of the media [3]

Logon to EF
On the new screen that opens up, under the LOGO "EssayForum",
Find and select your essay file on the "-Select Forum-" screen and click on "WRITING FEEDBACK", not Scholarship Essays
===============================
If I were you, I would start analyzing the prompt to see how and what to do, like this:
Statement: It is becoming more and more difficult to escape the influence of the media on our lives.
Task: Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of living in a media-rich society.

Have a look at the intro:


You need an extra work to paraphrase the intro, by having much consideration for the keywords (see boldface)


In IELTS this is called 'shopping list", just making list of seperate points. By doing this, the assessors think that your writing is not well-developed.


Write 'every person'. People is used as the plural of 'person'


Like what? This should be precise


Write an influx of cash. Influx collocates with money


Omit this one. You don't need to use 'lazy expressions', especially ones that belong more to oral communication


A lack of clarity in this sentence. Better redo. Then check the grammatical mechanics

We can't give you definitive band scores. If we do, you will put a great deal of trust on us. If we do give you band scores that are not reflected in your eventual IELTS test results. You may well build up unrealistic expectations, and ultimately, disappointment for you. We focus on recommending ways how you can improve your different skills - that is a much more useful way to help you to improve your language ability and therefore, your test results.

Hope this helps :D

Scholarship / Factors and challenges in my life; find purpose in this world [7]


Yes, agreed, agreed
For me, this is a good essay to read.


You don't need to put a semicolon between an independent clause and a dependent clause; use a comma instead



Punctuation marks show the reader how the words would sound if they were spoken

Writing Feedback / IELS - A cheap air travel? advantage/ disadvantage; overweight - safety considerations [4]

This is what I have from your intro:
A cheap air travel is becoming more popular than ever before. For some people, the cheap price experiences short-term safeties. For some others, this raises an opportunity to travel an to get more experience. Both these views have their own merits and demerits. However, I believe on a cheap air travel would have the best quality in contrast to having the worse quality.

Body 1:
To support the main idea, you should give one example. This can be taken from your personal experience.

Body 2:


This is used when saying what people, organizations, and reports, not your words.
When giving your opinion about something, use this: I think that/ in my opinion...

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Expenditure on fast food by Income groups in UK; hamburger and pizza [6]

Expenditure = money spent
High/average/ low income = people in the high/average/low-income group

Dumi has helped you working with the introduction. Also, I represent an alternative viewpoint from the intro. Hope these two samples help :D
The bar chart shows weekly expenditure on the three types of fast foodgives information about the amount of money of high income, average income and low income people in Britain by food and incomespent on fast foods during a period of time in 1990.


Yes, I couldn't agree more.

Here are the examples:
Pizza was the least favorite food / the least favorite food was Pizza
Fish and Chips was the most popular food with the low-income group/ The most popular food with the low-income group was Fish and Chips

How to make comparisons
more + noun + than
adjective + er + than
fewer + noun + than
more/ less + adjective + than
the most/least + adjective
the + adjective + est
as many ... as
not as many ... as

Writing Feedback / IELTS-GT: it's important for parents to teach their children about the importance of money [3]


In IELTS, you'd better avoid using idioms or sayings which either state the obvious or seem out place in an essay where a formal viewpoint is being systematically developed.

Many students think the memorization of the perfect phrase is much more acceptable.Therefore they use even exam situation. And to tell you the truth this doesn't impress the assessors at all because this phrase can be categorized as 'memorized languages' . You may get penalised.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL - HOUSE OR BUSINESS? Which do you prefer more? [4]


There is no point in this phrase in your sentences. You better omit.


I see there are run-on sentences (visit this link to learn more: grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/runons.htm). However, I make small changes.

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] The internet provides people with a lot of valuable info or problems? [5]

Helloooo Friend :D


You don't need to use 'Lazy expression.' This belongs more to oral communication


You don't need to use 'Vague language.' This communicates too much informality.

508 words... did you finish it within 30 minutes?
If it is not, then you better concentrate more on answering the task on time rather than lengthening your essay.

Do you write 5 paragraphs? Yes. You write one introduction, three bodies, and one conclusion. In the bodies, you develop ideas by writing two content paragraphs arguing for and one against. This can help you write more words, but some students, that I see, put grandiose ideas, by writing too many words. Also, I see there is an undeveloped conclusion or introduction

To justify what I'm saying, let's have a look at the Intro:


the conclusion:


You'd better rewrite this expression. What I see is that many students think the memorization of the perfect answer is much more acceptable. Therefore they use it every time. And to tell you the truth it doesn't impress the readers at all because it is too common for words .

Well then, let's go on the 4 paragraphs.

With a 4-paragraph essay, you are easy to develop your paragraph properly, one content paragraph for, and one againts. This is good for coherence and cohesion between the sentence-paragraph-essay development, and for which in the five paragraphs this is weak.

Hope this helps :D

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK II : "Mother is the dead heart of the family" - Fatherhood vs Motherhood [7]

Do you write a 5-paragraph essay? Yes. You write one introduction, three bodies, and one conclusion. In the bodies, you will argue more on one side than the other by writing two content paragraphs arguing for and one against. This can help you write more words, but some students, that I see, put grandiose ideas, by writing too many words.

Uppsss.., remember, 40 minutes to finish your essay are a must :D

Writing Feedback / People who do not prefer change are pessimistic and who like changes- optimistic [6]

When you deal with IELTS, the first thing the assessor sees is your layout, which shows whole of your essay. If the layout is difficult to read, which is let's say: no spaces between paragraphs, then he/she immediately knows your writing needs more work to read.

Hence, I suggest you to leave one space every time you open a new paragraph.

Writing Feedback / Raise of awarness; Younger are much more aware about issues like environment [6]

Do you write 3 paragraphs? Yes, but tell you the truth, you are playing with fire. You need an extra work to develop more than one argument and in a correctly constructed essay each argument requires a separate paragraph.

The best advice is to have 4 paragraphs for your essay that includes the introduction, the (two arguments between) bodies and the conclusion.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL; In general , people are living longer now. Discuss the causes of phenomenon [6]


Yes, I agree
I know you write well. However, you'd better always try to include the prompt. To give relevant and reliable feedback, we need the prompt which helps us crystallize the ideas from your writing.


You'd better rewrite this expression. What I see is that many students think the memorization of the perfect answer is much more acceptable. As a result, they use it every time when they write. And to tell you the truth it doesn't impress the readers at all to finish reading the essay.

Writing Feedback / Task 1. imprisonment in five counties between 1930 and 1980 [5]

The figures for = the proportion of


The bar chart provides information about the proportion of imprisonment...


Canada had the highest number of prisoners compared with other four counties.

Have a look at the word family for 'compare'
We are focusing on the usage, not meaning.
To compare to is to point out or imply resemblances objects regarded as essentially of different order.
To compare with is mainly to point out differences between objects regarded as essentially of the same order.

Writing Feedback / There are many different types of music in the world today. 'enjoy, pleasure' [3]

On the new screen that opens up, under the LOGO "EssayForum",
Find and select your essay file on the "-Select Forum-" screen and click on "WRITING FEEDBACK".
On the screen that says "Subject - MUST be descriptive, original, and meaningful!", write IELTS/TOEFL with the keywords (Max. 50 characters)
Finally, copy and paste your Essay into the Message box. You are asked to complete the full prompt with your essay.
As your readers, we need the full prompt which helps us crystallize the ideas from your writing, to give relevant and reliable feedback.


Does the prompt ask you to discuss international/modern music? The answer sadly says 'No.'

Writing Feedback / TASK 1. the table shows the consumer durables owned in Britain from 1972-1983 [5]


I think this linking part (as well as) here is inappropriate.
Here is the example of the use: as well as e.g, There are sports facilities available for girlsas well asboys.

percentages = proportion
common equipment = essential equipment

5% = a very small number
65% - 75% = a significant proportion
75%- 85% = a very large majority

Writing Feedback / Parents are the best teachers ? It's a controversial issue [9]

although parents are the best teachers is the controversial issue. But for all the mentioned above, I strongly believe that parents are obviously the best teachers.one


how to stand, how toand walk

Writing Feedback / IELTS 2 - Retirement homes or Living with families? Which way is better for the elderly? [12]

Hellooo friend... :D


I have seen this from some corners of the world. However, you'd better use the high standard one by putting a period before therefore, not semi-colon.


what refers to...???


Try not to split the subject and the verb by putting one comma.
Possible suggestion: the country (a comma) where we live in (a comma) is ...


you take a position, then need a lilt 'struggle' to defend it strongly by giving a reason to support your point of view. In the next paragraph, it is useful to acknowledge the opposite view (counter argument) and say why you don't accept it.

5 or 4 paragraphs?
Well, if you have a question that you don't like at all, then you can write with a 5-paragraph essay. You write one introduction, three bodies, and one conclusion. In the bodies, you will argue more on one side than the other by writing two content paragraphs arguing for and one against. This can help you write more words, but some students, that I see, put grandiose ideas, by writing too many words. Uppsss.., remember, 40 minutes to finish your essay are a must :D

Look at what Dumi suggests you with the structure (a 4-paragraph essay). With this structure, you are easy to develop your paragraph properly, one content paragraph for, and one againts. This is good for coherence and cohesion between the sentence-to-paragraph-to-essay construction, and for which in the five-paragraph structure this is weak.

Hope this helps :D

Writing Feedback / Can money bring happiness ? why or why not ? [7]


This is called run-on sentence, which is complete sentences joined without appropriate punctuation or conjunction. It is hard to argue that a run-on sentence is incorrect. However, you should avoid using it in IELTS.


There are a lot of websites providing free online spell checker. You can use one of them to make sure you have done for the issues.


Write precisely. Avoid using general expressions that makes views sound too simple.

When you deal with IELTS, the first thing the assessor sees is your layout, which shows whole of your essay. If the layout is difficult to read, which is let's say: no spaces between paragraphs, then he/she immediately knows your writing needs more work to read.

Hence, I suggest you to leave one space every time you open a new paragraph.

What's then? 4 or 5 paragraphs?
Well, if you have a question that you don't like at all, then you can write with a 5-paragraph essay. You write one introduction, three bodies, and one conclusion. In the bodies, you will argue more on one side than the other by writing two content paragraphs arguing for and one against. This can help you write more words, but some seems inefficient, by writing too many words. Uppsss.., remember, 40 minutes to finish your essay are a must :D

With a 4-paragraph essay, you are easy to develop your paragraph properly, one content paragraph for, and one againts. This is good for coherence and cohesion between sentence to sentence and paragraph to paragraph, and for which in the five-paragraph structure this is weak.

Hope this helps.

Anyway, I like your writing :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 2 question. 'Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant..' [5]

Hellooo Friend :)


To give responses for this task, you are to take a position, which is neither in total agreement nor total disagreement, but somewhere in between. Then, you should explain why...., And you did it all. However, I didn't see you construct the structure of the essay appropriately. It's better to follow what Dumi and Pahan suggest how you construct the overall essay structure.


...
I think it is not all about 'For Example' or 'For Instance', or simply stated their opinion and gave reasons for that opinion, but it is a huge range, and more of it. When you peruse the IELTS band descriptor more closely ( click: ielts.org/PDF/UOBDs_WritingT2.pdf you will see these: Identifying the question and answers all parts sufficiently, presenting a clear and well-developed position which is maintaned throughout the whole essay, and presenting main ideas which are relevant to the question, extended and supported with evidence/ examples.(Task responses)If you lack in one, then you'll mark in below.



Do you mean 3 ideas broken into three bodies of paragraphs?
Well, if you have a question that you don't like at all, then you can write with a 5-paragraph essay. You write one introduction, three bodies, and one conclusion. In the bodies, you will argue more on one side than the other by writing two content paragraphs arguing for and one against. This can help you write more words, but some seems inefficient, by writing too many words. Uppsss.., remember, 40 minutes to finish your essay are a must :D

Look at what Pahan and Dumi suggests you with the structure (a 4-paragraph essay). With this structure, you are easy to develop your paragraph properly, one content paragraph for, and one againts. This is good for coherence and cohesion between sentence to sentence and paragraph to paragraph, and for which in the five-paragraph structure this is weak.

Hope this helps.

Anyway, I like your writing :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 : Fitness membership among male and female (rewrite) [4]


Yes, I couldn't agree more.


This part can be used to introduce a fact that exists only in a particular place.
In this chart, there are no diversities of the two figures for women in 1970 and men in 2000 if compared to the other ones. Hence, this can't be categorized as 'uniqueness.'

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1 (Line Chart) - Goods Transported by Four Modes of Transport. [4]

You write well. However, you should pay particular attention to word choice, which can switch the focus away from the data given.


The two words 'stabilized' and 'enjoyed' are not appropriate here. The first word collocates with economy/ rate, and the latter mainly explains a particular situation from which people get pleasure/happy.


Over a 28-year period
During means 'for part of the time mentioned'. This can be followed by a word or phrase representing a period of time.
Over is 'for the whole time mentioned'. This is the general guideline: Over + a number of months of years + period.

Hope this helps :)

Book Reports / Narrative Analysis & Boethian Comology [2]


Write 'belief in God'. You put an article before God, meaning someone/something you admired/respect to, not God as the spirit.


I know this. Some people use this pattern. However, you'd better write in Standard English sentence structure, which is acceptable as standard forms. So, you can't split into two different areas: Can and Change. Write' In a way, we can change our...'

Writing Feedback / Do you think that studying abroad is advantages ? [5]


it is me :)
You write well. I like this essay.


Ok. We talk about this exam.
Were I you, perhaps I'd start analyzing this prompt in order to earn a good score for Task response, like this:
Fact: The idea of going overseas for univ study is an exciting prospect for many people.
Opinions: but while it may offer some advantages, it is probably better to stay at home because of the difficulties a student inevitably encounters living and studying in a diffferent cultures.

Task: To what extent do you agree or disagree to this statement

A closer look at the task: To what extent do you agree or disagree to this statement...
For me, if you are offered such task, then you are asked to take a position, which is neither in total agreement nor total disagreement, but somewhere in between. Then, you should explain why.

If you peruse the IELTS band descriptors for "Task Responses" ielts.org/PDF/UOBDs_WritingT2.pdf then you'll see this: "addresses the task only partially", which means the question is not fully answered. Hence, you'd better spend lil time to analyze the question, so you could avoid giving a partial answer for the task.

Hope this help you :D

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Intended instruction hours in public institution [3]

Woooww..., I don't know what to write if I have this task. Perhaps, I'll spend more than an hour and work much too hard for this. hahahahaha.


The charts shows (1) information (2) regarding (3) hours of children aged 7 to 14 in institutional instruction in different countries in 2005.
Comment:
1. Write the chart shows or the charts show. This needs subject-verb agreement
2. Write 'about'. The noun of 'information' should be followed by a preposition 'about', not 'regarding'. You might write: The chart shows information about...
3. Write 'instruction hours'. Have a look at the prompt given; Instruction hours is one phrase
Possible revision:
The chart compares twenty-nine countries in the terms of the overall number of intended instruction hours in public institutions for children aged 7 to 14 over a period of 2005.

Overall, the total number of intended instruction hours in public institutions rose gradually (1) in children development (2).
Comment:
1. Write 'a decrease and rise'.
2. Write 'children aged 7-14'.
This chart doesn't talk about children development which refers how children are capable of doing more complex activities as they get older.
Possible revision:
Overall, the countries selected showed the peaks and troughs of intended instruction hours

Hope this help you :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1 - Internet Use in Europe [10]


... yes. You are right. I didn't notice. I learn a lot from you. Many thanks :D

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1 : Developing on Chorleywood Village [4]


To describe a map, I think "depict" is the best word to replace 'reveal'.
Take a long hard look at where your tense is going for this;


I am not sure you have learned from the previous lesson. In that lesson (essayforum.com/writing-feedback-3/task-describing-map-chorleywood-area-55905/), I provided you a very clear explanation regarding the issues.


the two main roads plainly showed...

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1 - Internet Use in Europe [10]


In 1985, the most popular leisure time was watching TV, representing 32 % of total activities, and although it was still a popular activity, in 1995 it had fallen to less than a third of the total. At twenty-three per cent, eating out was the second popular activity for European adults, but this fell significantly to only 8% between 1985 and 1995, a decease of 15 per cent in 10 years.


= less than a third

Writing Feedback / Why are Cities Becoming Overcrowded? - IELTS topic. [20]


It is not all about likes and dislikes when I come to your writing. But, this is the only thing I can help you. Let other friends go for the details. Overall, I like reading this essay :D

Writing Feedback / Why are Cities Becoming Overcrowded? - IELTS topic. [20]

To sum up, it is the evident that there are several causes of crowded cities, and a variety of negative effects. If the stakeholder economy can provide jobs, schools, and houses in new communities for people from overcrowded cities and run-down industrial areas, there are no social inequalities in wealth distribution for the development of the areas and the way of people life. This needs to be tackled seriously! ( my conclusion)

It is nicer if you could construct this concluding paragraph with this pattern below:
1. a 'conclusion' signal: In conclusion, ....etc,
2. a summary of the main points or a restatement of the thesis (in different words!)
3. a final comment, based on the information in the essay
The final comment can be:
3.1. a warning or prediction (often using the first conditional: If ..., ... will ...)/
3.2. a suggestion or recommendation (often using should or must)

Writing Feedback / Why are Cities Becoming Overcrowded? - IELTS topic. [20]

So sorry..., I am not the one who can give you a score. However, I just focus on recommending ways how you can improve your writing skills.

Please visit this link ielts.org/PDF/UOBDs_WritingT2.pdf. Scrutinize the document, whole points in the table of IELTS writing descriptor. Then compare with your writing.

Writing Feedback / Toefl - Differences between parents' generation and our generation. [5]

Helloooo... I am glad to have you here again :D

many significant changeStoin makingmake the differenceS
will flourished in
all features ofon providing

Oops...,
In the previous lesson (Toefl - Advertising can tell you a lot about a country# Mar 14, 2014, 11:19pm), I showed you how to solve comma splice. Remember ? :D


This sentence indicates the same problem. To make sure I have abilities to give clear explanations, I'd like to see some samples of your work ;)

I am expecting you...

Writing Feedback / IELTS; Nowadays the way many people intearact with each other has changed [9]

Hellooooo...,

Dumi has shown you how to deal with the best structure. What you do is to adjust.
Also, Arun0506 helps you write the opening sentence for intro in your essay.
Then Pahan has guided you firmly towards the grammatical mechanics.

So what can I do for you? :D
Okay, a few details:
Two questions to answer. Working with this essay, both questions must be covered.
Were I you, I started analyzing the prompt, like this;
Fact: Nowadays the way many people intearact with each other has changed because of technology.
Question 1: In what ways has technology affected types of relationships people make? (One paragraph)
Question 2: Has this become a positive or negative development? (One paragraph)


and


You must be consistent in your use of your chosen convention; either use the comma before 'and' all the time or not all.


...Called sentence fragment, writing incomplete sentences.
Correct by writing completing the sentences... ----> It is because somebody can reach..


A difficult aspect. It is all about collocation, how words are often used together.

Good luck :)

Writing Feedback / International Graduates, Canadian Universities, 2001-2006 [4]


Given is bar chart comparing




This is called "shopping list" writing, which means just listing obvious figures one after another. Were I you, I tried to identify key trends and compare and contrast patterns.


a significant increase.


A number of Alberta's students were/ are
The number of Alberta's students was/is


Graduation here is uncountable.


This is a very good example of an overview. What Dumi says above is true. An overview, the important feature in IELTS visual writing, is a short description of a situation that gives the main ideas without explaining all the details.

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 1: median costs of houses and units in four cities in Australia over a 16 year [3]

Overall, I think you write very well and really need not to worry about this task. However, you need an overview to polish your IELTS visual writing.


I am with Dumi.
The Overview is an outline of the main and most obvious trends and it doesn't go into details.

Writing Feedback / In modern times, how to maintain the balance of the competition and cooperation is a serious problem [2]

Logon to EF
On the new screen that opens up, under the LOGO "EssayForum",
Find and select your essay file on the "-Select Forum-" screen and click on "WRITING FEEDBACK".
On the screen that says "Subject - MUST be descriptive, original, and meaningful!", write IELTS/TOEFL with the keywords (Max. 50 characters)
Finally, copy and paste your Essay into the Message box. You are asked to complete the full prompt with your essay.

As your readers, we need the full prompt which helps us crystallize the ideas from your writing, to give relevant and reliable feedback.


... People have ability to compete their life.

Writing Feedback / I was a rebel I was a trouble maker; Epiphany in My Life [6]




Utilize spell check features of Microsoft Word to correct as many spelling problems as possible before submitting your essays. You will find this under the Tools menu of Microsoft Word. If something in your document is underlined in red or green, be sure to check the spelling suggestions prior to submission. Also proofread your essay yourself to locate correctly spelled but misused words.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task I : Male and Female Fitness Membership [5]

To me, 2 details (para) look more organised: selecting the key information, including Number, and making comparison/contrast.
Tell me why you don't break this down into two paras? I have seen you work with the two body paras.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 - Describing chart - help me to correct if any mistakes! [6]


This is good. However, you'd better have an overview instead of a conclusion. Write your overview paragraph after the introduction. The aim is to provide readers with a clear view of the main trends of the given charts.