Writing Feedback / The rich are getting richer but the poor are getting poorer. What is the reason for this situation? [2]

Trung, I cannot mark this test because you did not indicate what kind of test you are taking. There are different kinds of scoring systems for each international English test. Mention the name of the test the next time you post an essay if you want to get a scoring guide for it. As for this particular essay, you have pretty much delivered a good discussion. However, you have a problem with the proper use of English vocabulary.

Do not use "big" words without knowing the real meaning behind the word because using the wrong word in a sentence not only leaves the sentence without a clear meaning, but it also makes your essay difficult to assess and understand as it is being read by the examiner. Your score in relation to vocabulary use in any of the English tests will be severely affected by your desire to impress by using complex English words in the wrong context. You did this twice.

You used the word "currency" when the actual word you should have been using was "financial status" or "financial ability". Currency refers to:

... money in any form when in actual use or circulation as a medium of exchange, especially circulating banknotes and coins. A more general definition is that a currency is a system of money (monetary units) in common use, especially in a nation.

Obviously, this is not what you meant as this is not what is referred to or implied in the original prompt.

Another mistaken work usage on your part was Taxonomy. Taxonomy, is defined as a scientific term that refers to:

... the science of defining groups of biological organisms on the basis of shared characteristics and giving names to those groups. Organisms are grouped together into taxa (singular: taxon) and these groups are given a taxonomic rank; groups of a given rank can be aggregated to form a super group of higher rank, thus creating a taxonomic hierarchy.

Since you are talking about human beings and not undiscovered organisms, you can see why using this term to describe people and their financial difficulties or difference would be out of place or simply, wrong. Instead you should have inferred that people enjoy various "Taxation" levels. Taxation meaning:

the levying or application of taxes among various income brackets.

Let me just say that you have the right idea for the discussion but you implemented a flawed discussion method due to poor vocabulary choices. Please be more careful next time and refer to a dictionary before using a certain word to make sure you will be using the term in the proper written setting. Do this while you are still in the practice test mode. You won't have a chance to improve your vocabulary or check for meaning during the actual test.

Letters / Write a letter to a person in charge and ask for detailed information related the seminar abroad [3]

Neha, there are several glaring errors in his presentation. The first glaring mistake, is in the presentation of the letter, you do not follow the typical business letter format which usually uses the block styling presentation. This looks more like scribbled thoughts for the content of the letter rather than a draft letter. Next, you already know that the seminar will be held in the UK the next year, that implies that you already have the inclusive dates and venue on hand. There is no need to ask for that information in this instance. Rather, you should have worded the letter to ask if the seminar will push through on the inclusive dates so you can make your travel and accommodation plans for it.

Try to sound more cordial and less demanding in your letter. Remember, you are making inquiries, you are not in a position to make demands of the event organizer. Instead of saying "Do you know who the guest speaker is?" Say, "I thoroughly enjoyed the one on one meeting with last year's speaker XXX, has the speaker for this year been decided already?" As for the additional events, a more professional method of inquiry could have been used. Something along the lines of " As this seminar is a truly enjoyable event, I hope that there are new activities to be enjoyed this year?"

Since the organizer is most likely not involved in securing your accommodations, you need not inform them of the kind of facilities you require for your board and lodging. Now, for the cost of the seminar, you should have asked if the rates had increased from the amount from last year. always imply the information you require. Do not ask for direct information about it. It loses the respectful and academic tone that a business letter requires. You make this letter sound like you are bartering in the market instead of sending a professional and respectful inquiry letter.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL Writing "Public libraries are no longer useful!" [2]

Zheng, you must change all the wording of the first paragraph. You cannot borrow any portion from the original prompt as you did with " find many books online". Always use a different method of presenting the information. You have to prove your English comprehension skills and vocabulary usage in this portion, which is why you should not use any wording from the original presentation.

Your essay suffers in in terms of sentence presentation because you have a problem with the use of connecting words such as "the" and "are. Take for example, the following presentation:

For those people lack of computer skills
- ... peopleWHO lack...

There are still lots people
- ... lots OF people...

Those are just examples of your sentences that lack connecting descriptors in your essay. The is a very common for you in every paragraph.

If you feel the need to discuss 2 different topics within the 3 body (reasoning) paragraphs. Separate them. You cannot discuss 2 topics in one paragraph due to the 5 sentence limitation, which prevents you from fully developing the discussion of each topic in the essay. So in paragraph 2, you should have separated the discussion of the book pricing from the library experience. Then, in the 3rd paragraph a separate discussion should have been made for the coffees shop reference. You constantly make this same mistake through out the essay.

Your concluding statement is incorrect. A concluding statement should never be a run on sentence, neither should it be an uninformative single sentence either. It must instead, summarize the discussion points as a reminder for the reader instead. Use at least 3 but no more than 5 sentences in that instance to prove that you are capable of restating your own discussion in a different manner, thus proving a wide range of vocabulary and sentence structure knowledge on your part.

Writing Feedback / Provide examples of solutions to reduce traffic in big cities [2]

Dao, this is a pretty good direct response essay. The prompt that you provided, along with the discussion instructions were well represented in your opening statement. However, your direct response was weakened because you did not indicate sample solutions to the problem immediately, which serve as the discussion outline in this instance (as required in the direct response essay) Had you indicated the 3 reasons (as per the 3 body paragraph requirement), you would have had an even stronger essay presentation that would have gotten a stronger score.

You could have expanded the road widening discussion over 2 paragraphs to help meet the 3 paragraph requirement. The second paragraph would have discussed the road widening advantages and then, in the third paragraph, a sample could have been presented as to how road widening would benefit both the private car owners and public transportation riding public. Thus making the bus discussion in the end even more relevant and an effective final sample of why road widening would be a solid response to solving the traffic congestion problem. This would also have helped prevent you from going over the 5 sentence maximum per paragraph. The second paragraph has 6 instead of 5 sentences so points will be deducted accordingly in terms of Task Accuracy responsiveness. The concluding paragraph lacks a summary of the discussion so points for that will again be deducted in relation to TA scoring considerations.

Research Papers / Electrocardiographic Criteria vs Anatomic Criteria In LVH [2]

Tyler. the first sentence in the first paragraph is superfluous. The statement does not connect directly with the chosen topic for discussion so it seems to stick out like a sore thumb in the presentation. Unless you can somehow merge that sentence into the second sentence, you should just lose it. It doesn't really serve a purpose as it does not help to strengthen the impression of the succeeding sentences. However, if you remove that sentence the opposite becomes true. What I mean is, the paragraph becomes a very strong introduction.

You are introducing the information about the criteria for the focus group too late in the research paper. You must present the criteria and ages of the focus group participants as soon as you mention it in the earlier paragraphs. In addition to that, you also do not mention the percentage results of the focus group in relation to your comments. Those actually go hand in hand so you have to mention the percentage results somewhere along the results analysis. If there is no actual connection between the focus group, its results, and the journals or other information sources you researched for the essay, then you need to either remove the mention of the focus group so that the discussion remains theoretical in approach or, you can use a different focus group with accompanying information that can better represent a related results discussion in the essay.

The rest of the essay in terms of information and presentation comes across as revealing, informative, and authoritative to me. The sentence structure is fine but the transition sentences need to be more obvious and related. Consider using transition paragraphs instead of single transition sentences at the end of a paragraph instead.

Graduate / Describe why you are applying for XXX University [3]

Ola, the prospect of you being admitted into the university relies less on gathering public information bout the university and more upon the way that your academic and professional objectives will align with the university vision, mission, and objectives for the students in your particular masters course. The reason why you wish to apply for admission to the university should represent how well you will grow as a person and academic learner during your time there. So that means, you are right to discuss the development of your skills and experience in Urban Planning. However, you need to explain a solid study plan or project to the interviewer that will be convincing enough for them to believe that the university has the facilities to help you achieve your masters research thesis as it applies to your professional needs. Unless there is an actual mentor program at the university, it is best NEVER to mention professor names because being able to enroll in the class of the professor is different from being personally tutored, as a mentoring, by the professor. The latter is not a common masters degree opportunity so discuss the subjects that you are excited to take in relation to your urban planning career instead. Universities prefer students who know how the curriculum can help them, rather than students who have a fan mentality in relation to their faculty members. Your above response should not be used. It is more about public information that depicting a personal relationship between you and the university. It will be sure to lose you the student slot rather than earn you a slot.

Research Papers / "What do we know about the immune system?" Lesson 11 draft [2]

Marnie, this essay is very disorganized in presentation. You do not have a clear thesis statement, you are presenting too little information about various topics, and the essay lacks a clear discussion focus. You need to brainstorm for your discussion topic first. Your essay is covering way too much information but not really focusing on a solid discussion. You need to pick one solid topic, create a thesis statement around that, list a discussion outline in relation to topics per paragraph, and then decide on what the concluding statement of your essay should be. You have a mix of references that are not all represented in the draft presentation. You should be able to shorten the reference list once you create a more focused research discussion. By the way, you cannot open an essay with an in-text citation. The opening statement needs to be represented by an introduction to the topic, a thesis statement in relation to the discussion topic, and finally, the flow of the discussion presentation should be represented. Once you organize your presentation by narrowing down your research topic, the research should fall into place. By the way, for a research paper, make sure that your professor will allow you to keep the personal reference / personal experience / personal opinion part of the research. Most academic research papers frown on personal experience presentation as it removes the subjective nature of the discussion. It is best to clarify that point before you proceed with the development of your paper.

Writing Feedback / Free online download. Positive or negative? [3]

Jommie, let me give you an individualized scoring for your essay first. I want you to see which parts of the scoring should be considered your weak points. That way you can develop those sections on your way towards developing a 7.5 final score in the test. Let's get started:

TA - 5
- Your discussion ideas and presentations are never fully developed in every paragraph. That is because you are trying to discuss more than one topic in the paragraph. The rule, which has always helped to garner the highest possible score for any of my students is that each paragraph should contain the following information in order to be considered well written:

1. One topic sentence at the start of the paragraph
2. One opposing argument to start off the opinion discussion.
3. Supporting statement one based on popular information
4. Supporting information based on personal knowledge
5. An example that best showcases the topic sentence and discussion reasons.

The above format will always work best in the 3 body paragraph format which is meant to allow you to fully discuss your opinion and reasoning in relation to the topic provided. While others here prefer to write in a 4 paragraph format, that is not the best way to prove your ability to discuss in English.The 4 paragraph format does not allow you to showcase your English vocabulary. Neither does it allow you to write a mix of complex and simple sentences per paragraph. The 5 paragraph format is always, always, the best method to write these IELTS Task 2 essays. My students high rate of passing at an almost perfect score each time is proof of that.

The concluding part of this essay was alright but lacks a reiteration of your opinion to close the discussion. A proper summary conclusion includes a repeated statement of opinion from the writer in the end.

LR - 6
- While you do have a good grasp of the English language, your vocabulary could be considered to be only at an intermediate level. You need to increase your vocabulary list with more advanced or intermediately advanced vocabulary in order to bring up your score. Using the technical references to computer discussions was a good touch that helped to increase your score. Doing more of that in succeeding practice tests should help to boost your scoring consideration both in the practice and actual test.

C&C - 6
- The C&C score was affected by the limited vocabulary use in your essay. Your discussion is clear but your presentation seemed mechanical instead of natural sounding. So there were times that I felt like you were still in the process of revising your paragraph presentations when you suddenly decided to submit the essay for scoring.

GRA - 6
- There were moments of carelessness in the typing of the essay. You had instances when you used lower case letters to kick off a sentence. The start of every sentence is always capitalized. You also had a problem in developing certain sentences:


- ... could not produce the budget for the future...


- ... money was stolen FROMhis bank account..

The GRA score requires you to have almost perfect English punctuation and grammar skills. So be very conscious of your sentence development in the presentation. This further shows that you are not yet at an advanced level of English proficiency which could cause problems for you one you become a student in the university.

Writing Feedback / Your company organizes a sports event for a local community. LETTER [3]

You need to stop putting a title for your letters. The IELTS test does not require you to give a title or essays that you write. Just start writing at once because titles will be deducted from your word count, which could affect the way that you present the essay or letter. Just begin the discussion, don't turn it into a class essay that requires a title. Next, you do not "write to express my regret" rather you "write to express the regret that STA Bank Limited will not be hosting its annual football competition this year." Nobody cares if you regret not hosting the event, it is the company that should be throwing it and you, as the representative of the company, should represent the collective, not individual regret. Learn to figure out the difference.

In a company letter, is always the company speaking through a representative. You need not explain why the company is not hosting the event. Anything you say as the representative of the company will be a direct reflection of its image. When you quote financial concerns, the public might think the company is losing money and that will cause a pull out of investors. I cannot believe that you are so careless as to make such statements. Read the instructions as you write the letter. Do no place information that is not part of the instructions. You should have removed that statement in the letter because you were not instructed to write that.

You are showing an increasing lack of ability to follow English based instructions in this letter with that tremendous mistake of yours. Had this been an actual company letter, you could have lost your job. Then, you did not really explain how the event will come back even better next year. You could have used that explanation as the omission of this year's game instead. That would have been more upbeat and positive, thus helping the company image, not destroying it.

Research Papers / St. John's Wort's Effectiveness in Treating Postpartum Depression [3]

Lisa, there are several elements that can be incorporated into this version of the essay to make it more informative and useful to the reader. There is a need for a stronger history of post partum depression treatments, how it is applied and what the negative effects of these treatments are. You can pick either one or two of these medical based treatments to discuss prior to the introduction of St. John Wort's as an alternative form of treatment. That way, you can ride the popular opinion that herbal medicine has more benefits that the medical based ones. Another thing that you can do is remove the mention that men also suffer from depression. You can remove that because the depression in men does not have any relationship with post partum depression. If you wish to include the mention of men in your research, then you will have to change the title of your essay to represent general depression instead and then offer a significant part of the essay to the discussion and treatment of depression in men. Finally, you mention that there are instances when the herbal remedy becomes dangerous for women to use because self medicating can lead of an overdoes. Therefore, your essay should include a suggestion that the herbal remedy should thus be classified as a dangerous drug and must require a doctor's prescription before it can be purchased. Other than these observations that I made, your essay has a pretty solid presentation and proves to be highly informative when it comes to discussing the herbal treatment plan for depression. By the way, as this is a research essay, your last statement cannot include an in-text citation. You must close the essay with a summary of the information or a concluding statement regarding the thesis you presented early on in the presentation. The inclusion of an in-text citation makes the essay seem half research, open - ended, and lacking in extra information for the reader. If you wish to close the discussion then close it with a factual statement of opinion that does not require additional information for presentation.

Undergraduate / Why do you want to be Drum Major and why do you deserve this opportunity? [3]

Katherine, there is a lack of personal connection with your desire to become a Drum Major. This reads more like a personal reflection essay rather than an explanation of why you want to become a Drum Major. There is nothing in your essay that will distinguish you as a person who deserves the opportunity related to becoming a drum major. You are constantly reflecting on your failure to become a drum major rather than explaining how you worked towards developing your skills as a percussionist. There is no ardent desire represented that would show a true dedication to your ambition. Additionally, thinking that someone looked "cool" as a drum major does not qualify as a representation of characteristics you admire in a leader. Think of the leadership skills of a band leader, how he makes those different instruments come together to sound flawless and easy on the ears instead of like cats screeching in a fight. That is what a band leader is all about. Frankly speaking, the current presentation of your essay is quite problematic because it lacks heart and vision. You need to make the reader feel that you have a deep connection with drums and your desire to become a drum major. That feeling just isn't coming across in this paper right now. Please consider writing a totally new essay based on my comments and observations in order to strengthen the content of your essay.

Writing Feedback / What is better: work only three days a week for long hours or five days a week for shorter hours? [3]

Ling, the weakness of your TOEFL essay starts with your first paragraph. The introduction of the discussion topic and your thesis statement, which should include a strong reference to a preliminary supporting fact for your opinion, needs to be presented. Right now, you are presenting this like an IELTS tests instead of a TOEFL test. Though these exams are both for the English language, these have different approaches to essay writing. The similarities only being that each paragraph needs to be 3-5 sentences long and it has to be composed of 5 paragraphs. The difference? The discussion of the opinion starts in the strongest manner within the first paragraph. A stronger introduction to this topic could be:

The normal work week is composed of a minimum of 40 hours per week, 5 working days a week. Now, some people believe that it would be nicer to work only 3 days out of the week for a longer period of time daily rather than working for 5 days for 8 hours per day. I believe that it would be better to stick the 40 hour work week instead. There are several reasons that I support this opinion.

My first reason is that... .

Try to write at least 250 words covering 5 paragraphs, with one fully developed reasoning in every paragraph. That stronger and clearer your explanation, the higher the possible score. You have a pretty decent grasp of the English language. The problem, is that you are limiting your paragraph presentations and trying to discuss everything in one paragraph. What you should be doing is expanding your paragraph presentations instead through the use of the one topic per paragraph rule of thumb.

Writing Feedback / Should animal experiments be banned because it is morally wrong to cause animals to suffer? [3]

Zhang, this is only a partial response to the essay topic. The reason it is only partial is because there is a focus on animal testing in the medical setting, but not in the product safety testing phase. Thus you discussed only one section of the essay prompt. Additionally, you are not discussing the essay in the 2 points of view then personal opinion presentation. This essay has the read and feel of a personal point of view presentation only. As such, you will not get a passing score in terms of task accuracy. The concluding paragraph is never to be used as a continuation of the essay discussion. It must only summarize the given discussion. This being your first essay presentation here, I can tell you that there is major room for improvement in your work. You need to understand how to write these essays through examples. Read the sample essays and advice given at this forum, you will be sure to learn about how to properly approach and discuss these essays from the advice given to the others here.

Scholarship / Supporting statement for AAS 2018, Possible tasks to perform [2]

@Keiko_15 you neglected to inform the reviewer as to how you will use the professional network composed of professors, classmates, and university elders in the promotion of your projects and programs. You need to represent the use of the network in every facet of planning that you have presented in the essay. By the way, your essay is really suffering in terms of message clarity and cohesion. The whole essay is difficult to understand because you are not developing the proper English sentences for the presentation. Even your vocabulary use is incorrect. Look up the difference between "college" and "collage", based on the meaning, you should know which word should have been used in your essay. I strongly advice you to seek professional help in the editing of this essay. That is, after you have developed solid and well thought out projects that will represent how you will be using the knowledge and skills gained during the course. You should try to be more specific about the skills and knowledge you look forward to gaining , why it will be useful in the development of your projects, and how the network fits into the overall scheme of project implementation.

Writing Feedback / Why so many children work instead of going to school? Child labor [2]

Joze, are you writing this for an English test or just for an English writing class? I am going to assume the latter and base my opinion of your essay on that. You need to learn how to use the connecting word "the" in your sentences because without it, the sentence does not come across as properly developed and sometimes, has a distorted meaning. You also need to learn how to properly present your discussions in a paragraph topic format so that you can expand on your discussion explanations. That means, you discuss only one topic per paragraph. Focus on making sure your content is clear and the idea you are representing comes across clearly if not in the discussion, then in the examples you present. Most of your discussions are under developed and severely lacking in supporting information or data. Be careful when you type. Review the English writing rules in order to keep yourself reminded as to when capitalization must be used or not used. You capitalized in the wrong places in certain portions of this essay. Overall though, this is a pretty decent attempt at English writing. It is understandable for the most part but lacking in development. Good job so far.

Scholarship / Why Master of Economics / Master of Applied Economics and Econometrics? [3]

@nelanavida you did extremely well in the first part of the essay where you introduce the purpose of your higher studies. However, in your second university choice, you do not really explain your academic and professional goals in relation to the chosen courses at these institutions. You are only repeating what you read in your research about the universities, which doesn't tell the reviewer how these relate to your future career development. We need to read about your career plans and how these courses will prepare you for that specific course of action. The second choice falls short of doing that.

You need to explain "why" you chose the course and university in relation to a specific educational and career directed objective on your part. So we know what the classes offer based on your research, but you don't tell us how it applies to your workplace. You need to revise that part of the essay to bring that discussion into focus rather than the practically copy paste information that you got from the web. Explain:

1. Why you chose the course in relation to your future career goals based on your current profession.
2. Why you chose the university in relation to your academic and professional goals.
3. Explain the final purpose that you have for your higher studies.

There is also a part of the first university choice that is not really comprehensible due to the improper sentence development you delivered. Please clarify what you mean by:


That phrase may make sense in your native tongue but in English it is just a series of nonsensical words. Clarify the point you are trying to make by either writing a new sentence or increasing your explanation in that portion of the presentation.

Writing Feedback / Animals are being used in medical researchers [2]

There are 2 topics for combined discussion in this essay. These topics are medical research and product safety tests. You focused only on medical testing in your response. This creates only a partially prompt responsive essay. That means your TA score will somewhere in the 3-4 range only. That does not bode well for your overall score. Once you only partially respond to the essay, the most important scoring element is immediately given the lowest possible score. The remaining 3 criteria will not be able to pull up your score because of your sentence development and vocabulary problems. Your prompt paraphrase is also problematic as it does not really coherently present the topic for discussion and discussion instruction. If you double check your work, you will see that you also started off the essay with a lower case letter, which is a violation of English writing rules. The first letter of every sentence is always capitalized. Basically, your essay is acceptable in some parts, problematic in most parts. You need to strengthen your English grammar skills. Learn how to develop coherent sentences otherwise, you will always be scoring low based on that consideration.

Writing Feedback / You are not satisfied with the condition of some of the furniture. Letter [3]

The casual or formal method of writing will be indicated in the prompt requirements. Letters to friends are casual and friendly in tone, business letters, such as this one, are formal and academic in presentation. In this instance, you chose the wrong tone for writing this letter. This should have been formal in presentation and discussion.

The letter lacks information. You can't just say you are Purba, provide your full name, date of occupancy, and specifics of the contract regarding your furniture agreement. You don't need to ask how your landlord is doing. Again, this is a business letter, not a friendly casual letter. If you truly want to get a higher score in the test, you have to learn the proper meaning of English words. Don't just use words because it sounds proper, that is not how vocabulary works. The meaning has to be correct even if the word sounds strange to you. There are also certain words, that should not be used because it does not make any sense in the overall meaning of the sentence.

You must be consistent in your content presentation. If you are talking about just a dining table, then don't say ""household stuff" because that means you are unhappy with all the furniture, not just the table. Don't say "miserably" because that does not flow with the overall context of the sentence. You simply could have said "My mother could not place.." The term is not "split" which means to divide but rather "spilled" which means to overflow or "spill".

Scoring wise, I think it would be as follows:

TA - 6
C&C - 5
LR - 4
GRA - 3

I know these scores are low, but you get a high score for the TA section, which is very good for someone of your English skills and level. You also do decently in terms of delivering the content of the paragraphs. You just need to focus on the 3 remaining points where you need marked improvement in order to get a higher final overall score.

Writing Feedback / Essay about the fraudulents [3]

Jadambaa, you cannot be helped with regards to your posting because the whole paragraph does not make any sense. It does not follow the English grammar rules and I cannot figure out what it is you are trying to say. If you are writing this as a response to a masters degree application question, then you are not doing a very good job at it. The subject and message of your statement is unclear. As is are your professional references. I am not even sure if you are talking about fraud here because normally, banks do not engage in fraud but their clients do. That are just too many confusing statements and improperly used English words for a proficient English speaker of ESL or a native English speaker to be able to help you clean up this statement. Try not to think in your native tongue when writing in English. Think in English then try writing in English. That usually helps to make better sense of the statement. If you know someone who has taken English classes, ask that person to help you. If you tell that person what you want to say in your native tongue, maybe he or she can up with a better worded, more coherent English translation for you. Right now, this statement is not making any sense so it is difficult to help you.

Writing Feedback / Many students attempt to study abroad in foreign countries - merits and demerits of such decision [4]

Hussain, you just need to learn how to brainstorm for ideas regarding given topics. For this essay, you could have thought about how you would benefit from studying abroad. If you were a student looking to study in a foreign country, what would have been your reasons for doing so? What excited you the most about this idea? What do you think you would miss the most about home during that time? These are guide questions that can help you develop your response to such an essay prompt. Remember, brainstorming for these ideas are best done on a personal level if and when you are not familiar with the popular opinion regarding the topic. For this topic, I would have discussed only one specific merit and one specific demerit because of the 180 word limitation. That way, you only have to think of one idea per discussion provided. So for the merit, I would discuss how studying abroad helps a student to become self reliant and resilient. For the demerit, I would explain how culture shock could make it difficult for a student to adjust to his new learning and living environment without his family there to support him.

Scholarship / My essay for the Julius Mwalimu scholarship scheme [4]

Jimmy, overall, your essay did not come into focus until you wrote paragraphs 4-6. The first part of your essay, paragraphs 1-3 are superfluous to the discussion as you do not really discuss anything definitive regarding your reasons for choosing the course and university. You do not need to use up the full 500 word allowance if you really do not have 500 relevant words to say in the essay. You can write only 250-300 words and still have a pertinent essay to present. That is why I believe that you should simply delete the earlier paragraphs, write a new introductory paragraph regarding Sustainable Development Goal Number 13 and how it relates to the present problems of Africa, what the goal hopes to achieve, and how your current profession relates to this mission. Explain why you feel inadequate in terms of skills and knowledge with regards to your active participation in achieving the goals of that particular program. Use paragraphs 4-6 to fill in the 2 questions you were asked in the essay. That should make the essay clearer and more relevant in terms of response to the prompt questions.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL writing task 2: Which of the two approaches should busy parents spend with their children? [3]

Sera, when you are asked "Which of the two methods do you prefer?" you are being asked to pick one side of the discussion to represent, support, and convince the reader about in your essay presentation. There is no need for a comparison discussion because this is an essay that focuses on a personal point of view. Your examples are good and your discussion is sound. However, I feel that the essay is too wordy which will cut into the time that you have for editing and revising the essay. Your direct approach to the response in the opening paragraph is excellent and expected in a TOEFL exam. However, your last sentence is a little bit improperly structured. You should have said, "Personally, I believe that..." Since this is your opinion statement, you must make sure to show ownership of the statement that will be discussed within the essay. Try to avoid overly long sentences. Instead, go for short but informative presentations so that you do not end up wasting time that can be used for the editing and perfecting of your essay presentation instead. Writing 250 words will be sufficient provided you took the time to carefully develop and edit your paper prior to submission.

Undergraduate / Essay for Westpoint Humble Beginnings [2]

Sean, I learned a tremendous amount of information about your grandmother and your father in this essay, but I learned very little about you. The life story of your relatives are indeed learning inspirations for you, but these lessons do not define who you are as a person. There are no lessons in here that help to explain who you are and why you became that way. These stories only tell me about your background, who your family members are, and what lessons you learned from their experience. There is nothing in the stories that you told which would help to convince the reader that your life experiences have helped you to develop into West Point material. What is it about your life and experiences that created discipline, a sense of patriotism, and a desire to serve the nation? These stories only tell the reader how the same traits developed in your ancestors, it does not tell me how you continued the tradition by developing your own character building experiences that can relate to the motto of West Point. Prove you are West Point material beyond the experience of your relatives. You will need to write a new essay in order to do that. Your personal experience isn't enough. You only listed accomplishments but these don't really help to define who you are in the sense of West Point expectations.

Essays / Non-European immigration to Australia during the gold rush [4]

Blue, when I typed in challenges faced by non-European immigration to Australia during the gold rush, I was given a series of historical websites that led to the answer to the question. I found out that tent cities became commonplace during the time. I took the liberty of noting some links for you to use:

sbs.au/gold/story.php?storyid=49
nma.gov.au/collections/collection_interactives/endurance_scroll/harvest_of_endurance_html_version/explore_the_scroll/australian_gold_rush
skwirk/p-c_s-1_u-103_t-268_c-886/difficulties-faced-by-migrants-and-the-lasting-impact-on-australia/nsw/difficulties-faced-by-migrants-and-the-lasting-impact-on-australia/gold-/shaping-australian-identity-and-creating-heritage

Those 3 links should be enough to get your research on the topic started. It looks like a very interesting topic to be researching and writing about. These three links discuss the working and living conditions of the immigrants. The last one, discusses how the other immigrants, such as the Chinese, came to Australia during the gold rush even though they did not have money to pay for their travel and accommodations.

Writing Feedback / More advantages than disadvantages of life in a house compared with living in an apartment [6]

Fiza, this is again, a single point of view essay that you turned into a comparison essay. Unless there is a specific mention to discuss both the advantage and disadvantage of the situation, you should focus the 3 body paragraph on totally supporting the discussion that you support. There is only one side to the thoroughly discussed and exemplified in this essay and it is the side that you support. I do not really read any indication of you taking one side of the issue in your discussion. There is no midway discussion here. The question is clear, either you believe there are more (did)advantages to living in a house rather than an apartment. This essay is indirectly instructing you to discuss it based on a personal preference for one type of living situation. You must learn to analyze the instructions you are provided and thoroughly understand / consider what the best discussion type for the essay is. It is unfortunate that you seem to have serious problems with the analysis of the essay instructions. You need to review the samples here and remember how each type of discussion instruction differs from the next one. Otherwise, you will not be able to improve and have a chance of passing the test.

Undergraduate / I need to convience VO that I will return back to my country. SOP [3]

Saira, you are not really informing the Visa Officer regarding the reason for your studies, why he should trust that you are not going to be overstaying your welcome in Canada by becoming an illegal alien, and that you will have a definite purpose for your return to your home country. From the way this letter reads, there is nothing that will compel you to go back home, specially since your aunt will be financially responsible for you. You will need to write a different letter instead. One that contains the following information:

1. State the date of your graduation from your college major.
2. Explain how any profession you are engaged in at the moment is tied to your college major.
3. Describe a professional purpose for your masters study. This may require you to have some sort of job opportunity awaiting you upon your return or a job that will sponsor you while you are away. These will be part of the reasons for your return to your home country.

4. Explain the status of your aunt in Canada. Is she a legal resident? If so, how long has she been there? Has he been embroiled in any legal questions in the past? How will she support you financially? Will her support be enough so that you will not have to work in Canada illegally as you complete your studies? These are the most important parts of the letter so you need to be very clear and detailed in this section.

5. Explain what your professional opportunities will be upon your return to your home country that make you eager to simply complete the masters studies then go back home.

Emphasize your desire to not stay in Canada for a minute longer than you have to upon graduation. That is what you have to convince the Visa Officer about in the overall letter. Make sure you can compel him to believe that you have no intention of becoming an illegal immigrant in Canada after your studies by providing a bright future for yourself upon your return to you home country.

Undergraduate / Your thoughts on my common app essay about my life [2]

Mohamed, this is not a character building story. You are trying to impress the reviewer but in the process, you accidentally ended up not discussing an acceptable topic for this prompt. This is not about the duality of your mind and your personality, this is about how you handled learning situations in your life. A character building development needs to have occurred. Talk about the Arab Spring instead. Tell the reviewer who you were before, during, and what became of you after those experiences. Those are the character shaping incidents in your life that will clearly show the kind of emotional and social maturity that is required of a college student. That is what this prompt is looking for. Proof that you are "adult" enough to go to college and deal with the unexpected demands and character challenging social situations that you will come across. The essay that you wrote is too scattered in focus to actually do that.

Grammar, Usage / "Why did the US intervene in Somalia in 1992?" Need Help with MLA Citations [2]

You need to follow the rules for electronically sourced information in this instance. There is a specific format for writing these sorts of information. Go to OWL at Purdue and look up their current information for MLA formatting and style guide. Pay particular attention the how they advise that the MLA Works Cited: Electronic Sources (Web Publications) should be formatted. All of the questions that you have will find its answers there. If you feel that the cite does not contain answers, then you will have to be willing to spend at the websites that you listed so that you can gain access to the actual publications which indicate publication dates, pages, volumes, issue numbers, and other pertinent information for your research paper. There is no other way around it.

Writing Feedback / An ongoing discussion whether boys and girls get benefits more at mixed or single-gender schools [2]

Fiza, your essay is not good at all. You merely provided talking points, discussion topics, if you will, in each paragraph but aside from saying the same thing 3 times, you do not really develop the discussion paragraph with relevant reasons, supporting examples, and appropriate transition sentences at the end which will prepare the reader for the change in discussion topic and style in the next paragraph. You are just going around in circles in this essay without making any real impressive discussions nor properly developed sentences. You need to brush up on your English vocabulary and do more sentence development exercises using online available sources or mobile apps. The essay left me thoroughly confused and even less informed than when I started out reading your essay. It is important that you stop thinking in your native language and then translating it to English. That is where the confusion in the paragraph presentation comes from. Think in English, write in English. That is the only way you can practice writing fluency and sentence / paragraph clarity.

Writing Feedback / Essay about the ten top rice- producing countries in 1999 Writing IELTS task1 [2]

@phuonguyen479 This essay will receive an automatic failing score because you did not write the minimum of 150 words for the Task 1 essay. The minute you write less than the minimum word requirement, your essay will be automatically failed and you will not have passed the entire test. There is no partial scoring for this. Unless you write a total of 4 paragraphs with at least 3 sentences but no more than 5 sentences per paragraph, there is no way you will have enough words written for the 4 scoring considerations. That is the only way you can pass the test. I will not even bother to review the other parts of the essay that you wrote because it would be a futile exercise. I score and review the essays based on real testing conditions. As your examiner in this instance, I have no choice but to give you a failing score for writing only 143 words out of the 150 minimum word requirement.

Scholarship / AAS Supporting Statement, Why Master of Sustainable Energy? Solutions for global energy challenges [3]

Firno, your reference to the reason why you chose this course is too vague. You cannot have a generalized objective for study. Based upon the line of work that you do in your country, you should be able to address a specific issue that you wish to resolve in relation to renewable and sustainable energy in your country. Explain why you feel this needs to addressed in your country and how you think the proposed course will help you address that problem. If you do not have a prompt where you can explain what skills and understanding you hope to develop in the course, then this would be the best time to address that question as well. You need to make your decision to choose the university sound less like you were shopping on Amazon and more like you were doing diligent research using comparative data, analysis, and personal criteria for choosing the institution based on your proposed masters course instead.

Graduate / My Statement of Purpose for Graduate Studies (MS in Computer Sciences) [2]

Haleema, you wrote a personal statement which does not have the same function as a statement of purpose. The statement of purpose relies heavily on your college academic studies, its relationship to your current profession, and your future career plans. This essay is not usable for that purpose. Put a pin in this and use it for a personal statement requirement instead. You need to write a totally new essay that better delivers your purpose for study in line with a 5 year career plan. Describe how these plans are based upon your current working conditions and the challenges that you face. That becomes the purpose for your desire to earn a masters degree. Explain your relevant work experience, training, and recognition you may have received, which will help prove that you have the foundation for success under these demanding masters degree study conditions. Finally, explain why you chose to study at the university and how you hope to achieve certain types of improvement based upon the university masters degree program offerings such as internship or mentoring programs. These all combine to serve as the purpose for your desire to attend advanced classes. None of these required elements exist in this current essay.

Scholarship / I will apply nursing education in Monash University - AAS 2018 [4]

Your whole response to the question is inaccurate. You are basing your response on the hope that your past academic and work experience can respond to the reason why you chose proposed course and institution. That is not what happened. All you did, was elaborate on information that shows how well you misunderstood the prompt requirements. In order to deliver a correct response to this essay you need to first, identify what course you will be taking at the university. After identifying the course, explain how this choice aligns with your current and future professional needs. Based upon this criteria, delve into you academic goals and why these are important to you. After explaining your academic goals, depict similarities between your academic goals and how it will be supported under this course of study and training programs at the university you have chose. The academic and professional goals you have needs to align with the university academic goals for their students. Otherwise, there will be a lack of justification for your chosen course and institution.

Writing Feedback / Ielts - CULTURE AND CHARACTER FROM THE CHOICE OF CLOTHES? [2]

Maryam, you have confused a simple single opinion essay discussion with an extent essay. The instruction question is simple, you simply have to agree or disagree with the given statement. Nowhere in the given prompt were you asked about the "extent" or degree of your response to the question. This created a tangential response on your part, which affected the overall discussion. Your TA score will be close to passing, failing to do so because of the inappropriate response to the question. Learn how to identify the various question styles and how to write your response thesis sentence. Do not provide information not asked for in the prompt because that shows that you don't have any clear idea of what the instructions are and will affect your English comprehension skills consideration under the TA criteria. Unless you see the word "extent" prior to "agree or disagree", then it is not an emotional opinion response essay.

Writing Feedback / Is it possible to say a lot about person's culture and character from his/her choice of clothes? [3]

Zainab, you did not understand the task requirement. This is not an emotional extent essay. Rather, this is a single opinion essay discussion only. You are not allowed to discuss both sides of this issue. You are to only defend one side using acceptable reasons and examples based upon popular knowledge and personal experience. Unless an essay specifically dictates "to what extent do you agree or disagree?" , then you are not given the opportunity to use a measured response for the opinion. Additionally, unless you are asked to "discuss both points of view and give your opinion", you should not do so. When the question is as simple as "do you agree or disagree?" then it is a single opinion essay alone. This mistake can very well prevent this essay from garnering a passing score in the actual test. When you misunderstand the prompt to such a high degree, your TA score will fail. Once the TA score is failing, there is no chance of pulling up the score to a passing one using the remaining 3 scoring criteria.

Writing Feedback / Funds for building a sophisticated railway network. [4]

Hsu, this essay will automatically fail because of its irrelevance to the TA requirements. The discussion is supposed to represent an emotional response essay based on a singular point of view. You not only failed to properly address the prompt instructions for the discussion in the opening paraphrase, but you proceeded to do a comparison point of view discussion based on a personal opinion. All of which combine to clearly indicate that you either did not understand the prompt discussion requirements or you chose to ignore the instructions. Either way prompt alteration took place on your part that led you to not even discuss the topic on a tangential basis. So this essay will not get a passing score in the actual test. You have to make sure that you understand the prompt discussion instruction line first, so that you can properly represent the required discussion. It will be best for you to familiarize yourself with the various discussion topics and how these are addressed before you proceed with any more practice essays. Samples of the essay types may be found, along with pertinent advice, on this forum.

Writing Feedback / Building a large shopping centre in the neighborhood. My vote pro or against. [2]

Shela, there are two mistakes contained in this otherwise acceptably presented opinion essay. The first mistake is that your opening paraphrase begins an immediate discussion of the question posed. As with all beginner writers, this is a common mistake made mostly because you are unfamiliar with the Task 2 writing requirements. The Task 2 essay requires a prompt paraphrase in the opening statement as a part of the English comprehension skills evaluation of the examinee. The proper opening statement here would have been similar to:

A shopping centre is believed to be within construction planning and development in my neighborhood. While others may not support the proposed construction plans, I am supportive of the commercial development in my area for several reasons. In this essay, I will be presenting the discussion of these personal reasons along with supporting examples.

The examiner needs to see evidence that you understood what the topic sentence of the prompt was and how you were expected to discuss the topic within the essay. In your presentation, you mistakenly presented actual reasons for your support of the plan immediately. You presented it in the first 2 sentences of the essay. You must avoid making that mistake in your successive essay presentations.

Aside from that, you are not allowed to present single, stand alone sentences that are not fully developed in terms of C&C requirements. Such a mistake will result in a scoring down of that particular scoring consideration. This could result in a severe low final score consideration for your work. Always present the 3-5 sentences per paragraph within 5 completely developed paragraph presentations.

Writing Feedback / Technology and traditional values coexistence [3]

Long, you are writing an essay that is running counter to the prompt requirement. You in effect, created your own prompt for discussion in the essay. Have a look at this comparison of the original discussion instruction and the response that you created for your opinion essay:

Original: To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Response: Although modern technology and tradition are two contrast values to some extent, the co-existence of the both values should be considered essential.

By comparing the original discussion instruction with your thesis statement, it becomes clear to the examiner that you will not be discussing the prompt in the required manner because you did not fully understand the simple instruction given for the discussion. This is a single opinion essay based on an emotional extent response. You did not provide that in your opening paraphrase thesis statement. As such, the rest of your discussion points thoroughly missed the mark as well. So your score may either be considered tangential in response or totally irrelevant to the discussion topic. The examiner will have to make that call in this case.

Writing Feedback / Newspaper source (paper or website) - Ielts essay- writing task 2: [2]

Phung, read the prompt instruction sentence. You were asked to agree or disagree. Therefore, your last sentence in the opening paraphrase should indicate a response to the question. The answer in this instance is "I disagree with the given statement." When you respond to the question being asked. Do so in a direct manner that refers to the keywords provided in the question as your response. This will show that you understood the question and that your essay will be discussing the correct topic within your opinion essay. At them moment, the current response that you gave shows a prompt deviation. That means, you did understand the question being asked so your response alters the prompt discussion you were provided with. Such a lack of understanding will lower your TA score since you have shown an inability to grasp the meaning of English instructions.

Your discussion is totally out of place because this is not a comparison discussion essay. This is a direct personal opinion discussion of only one side, as indicated by the choice of "agree or disagree". By discussion both sides and then offering a personal opinion as part of the concluding statement, you have totally failed to follow all of the requirements and guidelines of the IELTS Task 2 essay writing test.

I am not confident that you will get a passing score with this test. You need to understand that there is a specific way of discussing the Task 2 questions, most of which you can find samples of within this forum. I strongly recommend that you read the samples and the advice given in those threads before you write your own essay. That way you will avoid making discussion mistakes as you did on this essay task.

Graduate / Masters of Science in Accounting, Admission Essay - Becoming a CPA [2]

Patel, the information you have included here belongs in the statement of purpose, not a personal statement. You have not really responded in any manner to the prompt provided. You merely gave the background for your skills and training in accounting. You have not given the reasons why you want to pursue a masters degree in accounting. I believe this is because of your lack of exposure to the accounting world on a professional basis. The essay is weak. You need to beef it up with academic and professional reasons for this pursuit. You can start by discussing what your college major was then move on to how it relates to accounting. This gives you a solid reason for pursuing accounting either as a next step in your career or signify a change in career paths on your side. Those are the 2 most valid reasons for wishing to pursue a masters degree that you should be highlighting in this essay. Don't even try to insist that your saying;


counts as the reason why you want to pursue a masters degree because it does not. It only paraphrases the prompt requirement. The whole essay doesn't deliver the required information.