Writing Feedback / IELTS-GT (Task-1): You are working for a company. You need to take some time off work [4]

First, I have an admin request :)
You should open all IELTS essay threads in Writing Feedback forum which is the most appropriate forum for IELTS, TOEFL and GRE essays. (This has been opened in Grammar Usage and I moved it to the Writing Feedback)


Yes, I agree with Pahan. This letter should be written under the formal or semi formal letter category.

Formal To someone you have not met, whose name you don't know
Opening Ending
Dear Sir / Madam Yours faithfully
Semi-formal To someone you may or may not have met, whose last name you know & use Dear Mr Brown,
Opening Ending
Dear Ms Stone Yours sincerely
Informal To someone you know well, whose first name you know and use Dear John
Opening Ending
Dear Anita Best regards/ Warm wishes

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 : average annual Gross Domestic Products (GDP) [12]

The image you have uploaded is too very small and we cannot see any details of it clearly. You better re upload it for us to have a closer look at it :)

The chart below compared the percentage in the number average annual Gross Domestic Product (GDP) in a- four decades, started from 1960s to 1990s, in the categories ofa field of wealthy countries, globalisers, and non-globalisers.

Writing Feedback / Many students choose to attend schools or universities outside their home countries. toefl [3]


... this sentence needs better presentation. It doesn't flow well :(


Other than learning a new language, studying abroad would enable students to gain more advance academic exposure.
Overall, a very good essay. You have very good writing skills. Wish you good luck with TOEFL! :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS: best way to improve public health; lack of exercise [7]

Nowadays, most of individuals are livinglead busy lives and pay little attention to physicalin a busy world with lack of spending time exercises. Some argue that the construction of sports infrastructures can increase the willing of doingpromote encouraging people to do exercisessports.


It's better you expressed your opinion directly rather than having vague statements like the above.

Writing Feedback / IELTS writing task 1: describe a line graph about modern technology usage in the UK. [5]

The graph reveals information about the percentage usage of modern technology by the households in Britain during the period of 1996 to 2003. ... INTRODUCTION

Overall, all four types of technology, namely mobile phones, the Internet access, CD players andHome videos, have shown an upward trend during the period under review. (OVERVIEW)

Your body paras are quite good. I hope you now have an idea about the structure we proposed :)

Scholarship / English could make us communicate with the people around the world easily [2]

It's good if you posted your prompt as well. So that we have an idea what it expects from you.
Also, you need to have a meaningful title in the Subject field when you open a fresh thread. Your title for this thread has been attended by us.


Well, I feel it is good either you give your birthday or the age. One would be enough because they both mean the same :)


.... exact? what do you mean by "exact"?
At the beginning, I was confused as to what program I should take. However, after giving careful consideration I found ????? is the best one for me.

Scholarship / Why I want to attend the Air Force Academy - international admission program [4]


I wish you expressed this incident more lively :)
I still remember the day, 26th Sept 2011, on which I watched Lieutenant Colonel David Bennett making his presentation in our hometown on the topic, "an opportunity to study in US Service Academies". That was the advent of my keen interest in a military career and lifestyle.


... You can even consider taking this line off.... You can say this after the next couple of lines :)


Although my great grandfather and grandfather both fought in WW2 and my father served in the Soviet Army as a conscript, none of them inspired me to take up a military career. In fact my father always discouraged me whenever I wanted to consider a military career telling me that it is a bad idea.

Writing Feedback / IELTS 2 - Retirement homes or Living with families? Which way is better for the elderly? [12]

First, I have an admin request from you :)
You should have a more meaningful title in the subject field when you open a fresh thread. In this case your title has been attended by us :)


Excellent hook :)

Well, this is your introduction and it is better that you introduce your topic to the reader and state your opinion rather than leaving him with questions.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task II : Idea of going overseas for university study. To What extend do you agree ? [2]

First, you need to comply with the forum rules; You should open all IELTS essays in Writing Feedback forum. This essay has been opened in Scholarship Essays forum and I transferred it Writing Feedback. Please be mindful about this fact when you open new threads.


.... "magnetic phenomenon? ? I guess you try to give the idea that studying overseas is quite attractive to students. However, the way you have expressed doesn't deliver that idea, instead it tends to deteriorate the effectiveness of your writing. I feel you should not experiment with new phrases and words without having a proper understanding of them. The effectiveness of language mostly relies on its usage. The words are very powerful tools that deliver the right idea and it is very dangerous to use words without knowing their proper usage.

Writing Feedback / task 1. visits abroad made by UK residents from 1994 to 1998 by purpose and destination [3]

You follow a very good structure and also a tone that is appropriate for report writing :)

Throughout the period shown , the primary reason in each category why UK people went abroad was to spend their holiday. It is also noticeable that majority of people preferred to visit western countries for aII-purposes. (such as Holiday, business, visits to loved one and other reasons)

Good job!

Writing Feedback / Is homeschooling preferable to traditional school education? [5]


Actually, in previous centuries, homeschooling did happen and was the most famous. The rich people hired resident tutors and they taught their children. This happened in many parts of the world from the East to West. I guess schools became popular with the introduction of missionary schools. You better do a little bit of research on this point and change your hook accordingly :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: Reasons for studying history and the effect of not studying history [3]


... this may not be true in all cases because in some countries, history is not taught in primary and secondary schools. Therefore you should not leave room for tricky standadizaitons;

History is an integral part of the curriculum inmany primary and secondary schools.

Some people argue that there is no benefit toin studyingthe history as a subject and it shouldthat can be replaced by the subjects that are more relevant to life.

Writing Feedback / I stole my friend's money; learn from my makes mistakes!! [4]

My mistake ishad been that I stolestolen money from my friend,i hasI learnedlearn from my mistake and i try to fixing my mistake to be success person.I tried to fix it and be a successful person in life.

When iI was in 3 gradegrade three, I,istolenstole money from my friend, Hiu's backpack sincewhen he was not in the class. After ,When Hiu coming intoreturned to the class ,he realized that his money was losingstolen . although,Although he askingasked me if i seewhether I saw the culpritwhere he money is,but i, I lied to him by saying 'iI don't know,sorry''.In addition,he stair to cried,and i having a bad feelings come from my heart . Then he broke down and started crying and I felt very bad about what I did and couldn't forgive myself for hurting my friend.

Writing Feedback / Toefl essay - AGREE OR DISAGREE - ONE LONG VACATION OR SEVERAL LONG VACATION. [6]


It's like this;
QUESTION;
Where did you go? (past tense)
Where do you go? (present tense)
ANSWER;
I went to school / I did go to school ( past tense)
I am going to school / I go to school (present)

"where did you went" is wrong
Hope you got it now :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 2 question. 'Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant..' [5]

You need to improve a lot on your structure. Follow the guideline provided by Pahan for structuring the essay.


Do not begin the essay with your opinion. It should be expressed when you conclude your introductory paragraph.

Writing Feedback / IELTS writing task 2. Visitors should follow local behavior or not ? [7]

You should not have two essays in one thread. Open a fresh thread to post the IELTS Task 1 essay which I removed form this thread.


well, what do you mean by this second part ? I guess the word you were trying to use is exoticism. However, your idea is not clearly conveyed letting the reader be confused.

This sentence needs improvement in its presentation;
First, one of the main objectives of travelling is to discover new cultures.

Writing Feedback / Celebrities benefits obtained through their popularity largely outweigh the issues tackled by them [3]

Very good tips :)


I too agree with Pahan's above idea. Instead of this line, you could have begun your second para with;


On the other hand, the celebrities face severe issues in terms of privacy. They are too famous to be able to spend private moments in life.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK I : US Crude Oil Imports (15 countries) [6]

The table comparesillustrates the details offifteen countries in the field of overall number of importscrude oil importation from 15 countries per day inby the US from 2007 to 2008

Table presents you details or statistics and you are supposed to compare and analyse them.


Try to give a very obvious observation;
Overall, Canada had been the biggest supplier of crude oil to the US while Saudi Arabia and Mexico secured the second and third positions in US crude oil imports.

Undergraduate / Bachelor in International business administration; Motivation Letter RSM [2]

I'mI was born and raised in Morocco, a multicultural country with its diverse population and religions


This diverse cultural exposure broadened my perspectives and I developed great tolerance towards others' beliefs and sentiments.

I have a strong preference to study International Business Administration, because of thedue to its international dimension that it brings : It's a complete taught in English programcompletely and I would be able to interact wit, with students from all around the world.

Undergraduate / Transfer Essay; "Where in the world did you learn to ride horses like that?" [3]

At the age of eight years old , I too was going through the typical horse-crazy stage like many other young girls experience .

but also to challenge myself to see how it applies toI can apply it in the real world.

I have been surrounded by brilliant minds, and had the pleasure of learning from some of the most respected professors in the nation.country.

Undergraduate / transfer (tamu) - The thing that captured me the most. [3]


.... Why a large university? Do you mean a reputed university? or world class uni?

Well, I don't find anything concrete in what you have said above. Why you wanted to attend such a uni? Is it the education? networking? social standing? The above few lines do not give the reader anything interesting to know about you :(

Undergraduate / SHORT ANSWERS for a transfer application to SU [3]


I think you need to focus more on telling them that what you want to be - the person you dream of becoming. So, you better tell them what you aim to do, what sort of personality you'd like to develop, how you would like others to perceive you etc. Here you talk more about your interest in Chemical Engineering and what Syracuse has got to offer you. I think you need shift the focus here :)

Writing Feedback / Credit Cards do good to people ? Agree/ Disagree [7]

You need to improve a lot on the essay structure. In your other threads, I have given you the guidelines for an appropriate structure. Hope you follow those appraches :)

Credit card is unquestionably popular since from its introduction.


Everyday, millions of people apply for new credit cards or increasing their credit limits.
Huge amount of financial transactions nowadays occurstake place with the help of simple electronic chip card.

Writing Feedback / Ielts: The population growth! each period of time had different leaders [5]

First and foremost, Overall, this graph the numbers of world agglomerations have rose risen gradually from 1975 to 2000 and it had only maintaining a continuous upward trends. trend.

Avoid phrases like "First and foremost" - they sound too personal and since this task is to assess your report writing capabilities, you need to adopt a more formal tone for this essay. Such phrases are more appropriate for IELTS TASK 2 essays.

Writing Feedback / IELTS; Fish and Meat consumption in European country between 1979 and 2004 [5]

First, I want to ask you to have a more meaningful title in the subject field when you open a new thread (this is attended by us). It is not only a forum rule, but also helps you earn more meaningful feedbacks too :)

Overall, I see you follow a very good approach for this task. Also, you display very good writing skills. I think you are ready to take up the task now :)

Good luck!

Writing Feedback / Toefl essay - AGREE OR DISAGREE - ONE LONG VACATION OR SEVERAL LONG VACATION. [6]


Well, it is not wrong, but needed improvement. For example;


First, "promote" is not the most suitable word there. People can vote for that system, but they are unable to promote that. Hope you got what I meant :D

e.g.
The government promotes NGOs to take part in its economic activities
Parents promote their children to be competitive
Should we promote competition or cooperation is a question!
In all above sentences, the promoter has some authority to do that. But in this essay the people do not have that authority or mandate, but they just express their view :)

Since your exam is nearing, I suggest you to keep to that structure seriously :) I think it is the best way for you to keep improving. Do not experiment with new ways of expressing ideas or new key words now. You now need to be confident in one particular way as you are almost on the verge of your exam. Your writing is not bad and our suggestions are for you improve further and gain a great score at TOEFL :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1 - Total UK School Spendings! [4]


.... Excellent introduction and an overview :)


I feel you should have elaborated a bit more in this comparison taking more details into consideration and presenting them with a better analysis;
From 1981 to 1991, the teachers' salaries had been increased by 10% while the expenses on resources and insurance had been increased by 5% and 1% respectively. However, the other workers salaries and expenses on furniture and equipment have dropped during this period by 6% and 10% respectively.

In this body para you compared the figures between the first too decades (first two pie charts).... now do the same for the other two (1991 & 2001) in a new body para

Writing Feedback / Toefl - Differences between parents' generation and our generation. [5]


Yes, that's correct. It helps you tell facts to the reader without wasting his time which the reader would appreciate :) And also it helps you manage time efficiently because your essay would be assessed on the necessary features in your contents (reason is a must feature). One you finish with the reason, then quickly give a specific example to support it.

Writing Feedback / Do you think that studying abroad is advantages ? [5]

I guess you have written this essay for preparing yourself for TOEFL or IELTS. It is always good to include the purpose in your title for us to provide you with more task related comments. However, if you have written this essay for one of these tasks, I think you have to improve on the structure.

Writing Feedback / Travels broaden the mind - Advantage and disadvantage of travelling [9]

First, what is the purpose of writing this essay? It is to practice for TOEFL, IELTS etc.? or a class assignment? It is good to know because then we can align our comments with more task related requirements.


Is this the introduction or the prompt? It is not clear for us :(

Travelling requires a larger sum of money which is connected withto be spent on transport, accommodation, food and unexpected fee other unexpected expenses.

Writing Feedback / Toefl essay - AGREE OR DISAGREE - ONE LONG VACATION OR SEVERAL LONG VACATION. [6]

First, "vocation" is not the right word. It is "vacation" that means a holiday. "Vocation" means a strong feeling of suitability for a particular career or occupation.


Some people argue that it is better for the students to have one long vacation instead of several short vacations. Others, however oppose this idea.

In both the scenarios the students reliefget an opportunity to relieve themselves from study pressures. However, iIdiscernbelieve that several small breakshort vacations will help students to be active in their academics.

Graduate / PERSONAL STATEMENT; MPH for SOPHAS [5]


This is a pretty disorganized sentence :( With this sentence you open your essay and therefore it needs better presentation. You need to rephrase this one!


... "every person"? I think it is a bit overly done generalization because different people have different objectives in pursuing their studies. May be you are right about the argument you present, but it may not be applicable to everybody. So, take the focus on to you;

For me, furthering education is not about developing my credentials for promotions or bettering career prospects, but about acquiring new knowledge and skills that help enhance my competitiveness at work and in the industry.

Writing Feedback / "Many holidaymakers would rather stay in a hotel room. Others prefer a campsite." (Essay) [9]


It is better you state your opinion in the introduction before concluding your intro (the last sentence of the introduction).

I too agree with Pahan. You should justify your position in the body paras by giving reasons and supporting them with examples. Introduction and the conclusion are the two places for stating your opinion.

Scholarship / Short answers for QuestBridge Scholarship [5]


Well, your prompt it intended at knowing what your career goals are. That is beyond college level and therefore you've got to deal with your future career aspirations. I think the above sentences do not serve any purpose for this answer :(


My involvement with Red Cross was the most meaningful commitment I ever made. I gained a wealth of knowledge and experience through Red Cross.

Scholarship / Self Introduction- My name is Huong and my major is Investment [3]

Besides learning at university, I jointjoined some activities outside school. One of them was a workshop "Mind Sharing", held by International Youth Fellowship (IYF), a Korean'sKorean Organization. This workshop opened participants' soul to live with more meaning by taking care of each other and it was the first time I approached any community activity. Consequently, I realized that I needed give a hand to help human beingsthose who are in need when I wasam young. Afterafter this workshop so I took part in several NGO's program.

Graduate / motivation letter for master in investment and finance, a help to evaluate [2]

On the other hand, my focus outside the work was toset on finance area. First, I started to attendgot involved with extracurricular activities of Finance Club in my school as well as myI played a prominent role in marketing and finance team of AIESEC, which is a global student club. Then, as of my third year at school, I took active roles in The Finance Club, as a member of Finance magazine committee and supporting on seminar activities. These activities were providing a communication withme with great insights into finance sector, with its institutions and professionals. Moreover, I started to manage my own portfolio in stock exchange market and I have learnt much from this real practise.life exposure.

Writing Feedback / PTE essay----Do governments have a legitimate role to legislate to protect citizens? [3]

Tobacco is a prevalent drug attracting over a billion of adults every day. However, long-term consuming tobacco regularly for a longer perio d will harm ourone's health condition, what's worse,as well as will have adverse effects on wider society at large in terms of health care cost and lostlower productivity.

Letters / I feel that the position offered would be ideal; cover letter [3]


With reference to your advertisement for the above post in the The Guardian on Tuesday 30 April 2007, I submit herewith my application and CV.


I am a final year student majoring in Business Economics at the City University, Bristol and hoping to be graduated in June ???


I have secured A grades for the subjects of Economic Data Analysis, International Economics, and Economics of Business Strategy modules and I am currently engaged in completing my dissertation on the growth of e-commerce in the European Union

Scholarship / South Korea is virtually playing a role on Culture Industry; Self-Introductionis. [5]

In my country, Indonesia, Korean Wave was entered when the drama titled Full House is presented inaired on television.That drama is dangerously impressive. It comes up with a fresh actreescharming actor and actressand actoralso with their charms and freshan interesting story line indeed. (full stop). That is veryseroiusly different withwhatfrom howindonesianIndonesian dramas featuredused to present .

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 1: How a thermos flask works. [4]


Well, here you begin a new para and therefore the reader assumes you are going to tell some new idea. So you cannot start with a sentence that has reference to the above para.


In this task, it seems like a conclusion would do better than an overview. Hmmmmm.... it's a bit tricky :) You can even replace overview with the conclusion or vice verse :D