Writing Feedback / Vocational Training vs. Academic Study [3]

Hi JanFan, I finished reviewing your essay and here's to start with my observation.
You manage to come up with a well written essay, the words that you choose to express your ideas are incredibly well picked, this also transitions to the rest of the essay, the flow of the sentences is very crucial as this will carry the idea you are trying your readers to understand.

However, I believe the presentation of the essay can still be enhanced by merging the small paragraphs and make them bolder as well as keep it in a minimum number of paragraphs. I suppose in this essay, 3 paragraphs should be sufficient.

Furthermore, your essay is easy to comprehend, this is because you kept it simple and straight forward. Well, I agree, that before making a decision, full consideration should be done, weighing options and seeking answers to your questions are a must in order to come up with a well rounded decision.

I hope my insights helped.

Writing Feedback / Overall, it can be seen that there are two main raw materials to make fish pie. IELTS [2]

- A process of productionproducing fish pie
- generationgenerated in a food
- materialsingredients ( materials - for things / ingredients - for food ) to make fish pie.

- by a truck for
- are wastedgoes to a wasteto disposal.
- is to slice in order tothen boil
- them in good conditionthis is not necessary at all ) .
- The potatoes are added bywith chili
- to give the sensetaste ( sense - to brain / taste - to food) .
- All in all,T he last process is storing.
- Turning to another main raw materialingredient ,
- by a truck for
- this step of this ingredient isit has to be added with lemon juice and salt.
- Then, it is steamed in an oven.
- employ humans to remove
- and skinde bonesthe fish
- and of them as anthey are being supervised by an inspector.
- stored in a freezer

Hi Sebastian, you might have noticed that I already made some corrections on your essay, I hope they are useful in your revision. What I notice are the missing linking verbs, the word choices are quiet off from the idea you are trying to express and the verbs forms needs to be observed as well.

Writing Feedback / Forbid smoking in public spots to be able to breathe clean, fresh air. [2]

Hi Hadiyati, first of all WELCOME to the Essay Forum Family, I hope you find this website helpful in your writing needs as well as an outlet in engaging to fellow students and writers. We will provide you with unbiased and objective criticism in order for you to get better at what you do, may it be writing article, essay, analysis and all other writing pieces.

Now, upon reading your essay, I must say is is written fairly well, it has the contents asked from the prompt and it definitely has that argumentative idea. You have set your point straight on and it is a very good approach to writing. You were able to showcase the good and bad effects of smoking as well as your stand point on the issue. What I liked about it is that you were also able to incorporate facts gathered by reputable sources of information such as BBC, this is a great start towards writing, this just goes to show that you take extra mile in expressing your ideas and not rely on the books and your regular research.

Furthermore, you presented the essay in a formal way, maximum number of paragraphs has been observed and most of all, you let your idea and your view on the matter, stand out, you want to be heard through your writing and this is just what you did.Keep up the good job.

Writing Feedback / Early education boosts creativity, although it can bring detrimental effect on mentality development [4]

Hi Nur, I would like to share my thoughts on your essay and honestly, it's quiet confusing, you have a lot of words that is not in the places they're suppose to be and a lot of ideas all over the place. However, this is not a bad thing, writing this essay only goes to show that you are determined in learning the language and making use of it, in order to express your ideas. I'm pretty sure there's a lot of work to do so let's start.

- s ome communities in some territorial suggest
- that their child
- to start a formal
- duein order to enhance
- others believe that
- children do not allowsare not allowed to attend
- formal school and only after havingan appropriate age
- will they be allowed to accept
- the lessonsbecause of maturitywhen they are mature enough .
- I personally agree with the statement
- haveare young
- age will be difficult to rununderstand the system.

There you have it, as you can see, this is just the first paragraph and it's almost a total revision, as mentioned, it is a great act of perseverance that will make you better in writing. I suggest that you rewrite the essay. following the above corrections.

Writing Feedback / The best age to send to school our children [3]

Hi Yusri, I'd like to start the editing with the title;

- The best age to send to school our childrenour children to school.

Now, let's tackle the 1st and 2nd paragraph of the essay.

- whichthat must be
- noticedtaken into consideration by parents
- when they will send to school their children in theto primary school.
- to not be sent to school only until
- that at thethis particular age,

- in a young age
- in a primary school
- whichthat will be
- got bybenefit the children in this category.
- For instance, they have excellencewill excel
- not supposed to not force their

There you have it Yusri, I hope this corrections helped.
The last 2 paragraphs of your essay should be an easy fix and you should be able to practice with it, this will enable you to write an even better essay.

Writing Feedback / 'potatoes and fish are the main ingredients' - Fish pie manufacturing diagrams [2]

- pie is consist of
- At a first glance,
- it hasis made through 2 major stages,
- which are preparation and packaging.

- The fish is puttedplaced in a microwaveable
- The top side of this mixture

- Turning to the manufacturing process,
- DeliveredThe potatoes
- are delivered and have to be
- The potatoes isare ( mind your verb tenses ) washed in - thosethey are peeled.and separated from its skin.( this phrase os not necessary, peeling is the act of taking skin out from its source and in this case, the potato )

- potatoes thanare then chilled

Hi Angga, I left the last paragraph for you to edit yourself so you can practice editing your own work. I hope this is useful.

Writing Feedback / The subjects which should be studied by students [2]

Hi Nida, I would like to share my thoughts on your essay.

- to study theira subject that they are passionate - subject atabout in a university.
- whichthat are needed
- which havethat has tremendous

- Every learnerstudent has
- different passionsasthus they
- have a great deal of proficiency respectively .
- They will feel en joy if they select
- the subject which they are interestedwhere they have an interest of ,
- have the passion in
- the music will feel joyaccomplished if they are doing with something related the music.
- regarding to their desire.

Nida, as you can see there's still a lot of work to be done in your essay, I can't reiterate much but you have to review and practice writing more often.

I hope you follow through on the corrections made and we'll sure see your revision soon.

Writing Feedback / The tables reveals that the income of bananas was more dominant in comparison to coffee sale money. [2]

Hi Nur, first stop, I would like to remind you about attaching the table or the diagram in an essay such as this analysis, this will help us determine if you have the right analysis and if you are using the correct words to explain what you understood from the analysis. Now, I will try to edit the essay with the focus on the grammar and the English language standards.

- The tables reveal the comparison aboutbetween - ins million
- betweenduring 1999 and 2004.
- majority of the countries
- rise of thoseof this product.
- of bananas products was more dominant than coffee products .

- product was in Switzerland,
- However, the sales of UK

- Turning to Bananasproducts ,
- Switzerland wasis predominantly in
- the number os sales
- The UK had
- total income atof 5.5M in 2004,
- with followingwhich was followed by this
- numberand was even five - FigureThe figures of Belgium

There you have it Nur, I hope the corrections are helpful.

Writing Feedback / The Sales fluctuations of two popular in Europe imported products: coffee and bananas [2]

- and bananasbase product
- increasingincrease of coffee

- The number of product sellingsold in

- Regarding tothe bananas sales,
- at around 15 million,

Hi Tri, I took the liberty to edit a few sentences in your analysis and I hope this helps. What I liked about the essay is that you were able to showcase the analysis from the tables up to the tiniest details, the measurement and all the other details that is relevant to the analysis.

For future writing reference, mind the tenses of the words and make sure that they are in the right place in the sentence as this will affect the flow of the essay. This analysis is one step at analyzing other peoples work too, of course you have to be good at your own work first but it will not hurt if you try to share your insights about somebody else's work, this will also help boost confidence in your writing and ultimately towards the submission day.

Keep writing!

Writing Feedback / The amount of coffee sales in five European countries was bigger in 2004 than in 1999 [2]

Hi Angga, after reading your analysis, I must admit, it is very well analyzed. l am pretty sure that how you understood the table transpired to the analysis that you have written and this is very good. This essay only means that you are slowly gaining the fruits of your labor. From the beginning of your writing you have struggled, you progressed and I can attest that you are gaining confidence in your writing style now. More importantly, you understand each and every single information on the table and telling your readers about it, in a way that they understand it.

I can't say much about this essay as it is written fairly well as I mentioned.
One thing is that you also kept it to a minimum number of paragraph and this goes on a domino effect with the smooth flow of the entire essay.

I hope you continue writing and never get tired of continuously learning new strokes on writing, read a lot and read aloud, this helps you hear what and how the words sound, one thing that I learned over the years, when I read the sentences aloud and something sounds off, normally there is something wrong with the sentence and it needs a whole lot of modification.

I hope my insights are useful and do let us know should you need any assistance.

Writing Feedback / Freedom to choose university subjects [2]

First paragraph
- Students should have athe freedom
- to choose their own education subject .
- consideredconsiderably useful subjects.
- I strongly object that atitudepoint of view
- because in my viewI believe every
- to be learned ,
- especially when it matchesis coupled with passion.

- In this globalisingglobalized era,
- some fields of studies
- who willto attend
- college toand choose a - those youngsters are not passionated ofthey are not passionate about it.
- According to thosesome ( you don't have any reference to "those" people so it will not be appropriate to use "those" ) people, - studying a high-demanded subjects will

- make students'( an apostrophe is not necessary on the word "students" ) the students future
- is brighter

Hi Angga, I hope thie modifications above are useful and please follow through when you do the revision.

Scholarship / Educational goals and a leadership experience in high school - I am someone who the team can lean on [7]

Hi Nhat, well indeed it will be helpful if there is a clear guideline to the number of words, paragraphs, etc., and this is true on a normal IELTS or TOEFL and all other essays to be fair, however, this is an important and rather more formal essay.

Also, I must reiterate that the purpose of this essay is mainly to get to know you, not only on the academic aspect but more so how you are and how you've become as a person. This is why the details of the essay is very important. well, if the introduction will not be revised to such extent, no worries about that, again what we do here on EF is merely a suggestion with the hopes to better your essay.

Nhat, it is definitely a good idea to write a few more essays to other institutions who offer the field of expertise you want to pursue, this will not only increase your chances of gaining the scholarship program, it will also boost your confidence in gaining respect towards your writing.

I hope this helps.

Writing Feedback / Many people argue that creating massive a large grand architecture is very crucial for a modern city [3]

- creating a massive
- a large grand( massive - already depicts large, grand, humongous if you may, so adding this words in the sentence will be redundant )
- architecture is very crucial for urbanthe city . - However, I believed that it is
- sinceas the budget
- shouldcan be invested in theother public services.

- To begin with ,
- the awe-inspiring construction can make the crosstown( what does "crosstown" mean in this particular sentence )
- owning special characteristics.
- Firstly, theThe ( you have already mentioned your first opinion to the matter at hand, so this is not the first one )
- large city has a bigits ( avoid using the same adjective to describe a subject, rather use a replacement to express your idea ) - remain the foreign people about that town easilyserve as reminder to tourists, foreigners and visitors alike. .

Hi Nursya, as you can see, I took the liberty to edit your your essay with the hopes of showing you the difference if it was written on a different stroke.

Now, there are still a lot work to be done in your essay and I leave it up to you, the ones I did should be a guide for you to edit the rest of the essay.

I hope to read the revised version soon.

Graduate / 'essential step for my transition' - Essay for Master of Finance application [2]

Hi Terran190, WELCOME to Essay Forum, I would like to make mention that I am rather pleased in reading your essay, I believe being in the financial world is never easy, the competition is very high and it's a world dominated by men.

Well, the writing field is somehow challenging too, even the native speakers are having a hard time mastering the language more so in writing.

Going back to your essay, the first 3 paragraphs are written strong, however, towards the end, it became weak and did not have much content. I believe what happened is that you were too engrossed to your essay that you missed the important parts of it and you got all the pertinent information written already that you have not anything to write in the end to conclude your application letter.

The revision of this letter should be focused on the achievements, academic and professional, your goals and aspiration, not only for yourself but more so to the company you are part of and will be part of in the future, this will show your immense interest not only for personal gain but also to serve the community you belong, this however should only be written in outline and not on full details and this will shorten the essay as well as omit the unnecessary information.

I hope my insights helped.

Scholarship / Educational goals and a leadership experience in high school - I am someone who the team can lean on [7]

HI Nhat, thank you for appreciating our wok here on EF, we look forward to hearing and reading more from you. Now, the intentions of the essays that we right, is to let our readers know that we are here, willing to take the challenge to better ourselves and continue learning.

This essay of yours is still to be revised in a way that it can be better but don't worry about it too much, there's actually not much to change, the words you choose, although not that strong, they're also not weak, what I want to say is that, a reader can easily comprehend with your essay, the idea is plain and simple, pretty much what you read is what the writer intend for you to understand.

For future writing reference, however, mind the transition of the ideas, the paragraphs has to have a flow that is smooth and will have a focus in each paragraph, the introduction, the body as well as the conclusion of the essay should be in their proper and not to be all over of the place, this construction has been observed in the essay that you wrote, so good job on that.

Keep writing Nhat, it will help you get better at writing and in exercising the English language.

Scholarship / Educational goals and a leadership experience in high school - I am someone who the team can lean on [7]

Hi Nhat, first of all, WELCME to EssayForum!
We are one website that you can turn to when it comes to your writing needs, we are backed by several contributors that has nothing to ask but your appreciation to our work, our help and our guidance. Just a reminder though, what we provide are suggestions toward the revision of your essay with the hope to enhance it, make it better and be ready for submission.

Going back to your essay, I must say, it is well written, the points such as grammar, sentence construction and minor details through out the realization of your goals. I believe there is still a long way to go and with determination, passion for the craft and the desire to foster change in the field, you will get to where you need to be.

Overall, the essay is still subject to criticism from the educators but I can assure you with your 2 years experience in an English speaking country, you are doing a lot better than most of the people who come to conquer the US, believe me English speakers can barely write a comprehensive essay, so good work and keep writing.

Scholarship / "You have to learn the rules of the game. And then you have to play better than anyone else." [2]

Hi Yesenia, as I finished reading your essay, I must conclude that this is a fairly written essay, I say fairly because the essay started quiet weak. You have to understand that the introduction of the essay is one of the most important part of the essay, it should have the elements that will outline the entire essay.

Moving forward, I suggest you revise the introduction and make it strong by adding your own understanding of the quote, remember, this is not about a literal game, it's about life and how this quote is associated to your life experience.

This can be from the struggles, challenges, achievements, that's the game and what the prompt is asking is how you manage to tackle this mishaps in life if there's any.

Overall, the transition of the essay towards the conclusion is rather smooth.
I hope this insights are useful.

Scholarship / What does being Hispanic mean to you, and how do your life experiences shape your answer? [2]

- proud of being Hispanic.
- and struggling withstruggle on the English language .
- would tells me that
- but I only understood

- My long-term motivation for academiathe academe - hardships that my parents
- overco me in spite
- to have growinggrown up with .
- wouldshould never be taken

Yesenia, I hope you don't mind that I made a few changes in your essay.
I know this is the first step to hone your expertise, if not at least be better at exercising the English language and this is a very good practice. Reading and writing is very effective should you want to master the language.

Overall, you may not be a native language speaker but this did not matter at all in the essay, you were able to write the essay in a manner that it is understandable and easy to follow through. I hope to see more of your essay soon.

Undergraduate / How will your education at the Art institute of Dallas will help you attain your career goals? [3]

Hi Ali, I can see that you have a rather lengthy and meaningful help here from Juan and I hope this is indeed useful towards the creation of your revision.

However, I would like to add that your essay has a lot of elements in it, a little drama, creativity and fun facts, what stood out though, is your passion in pursuing an education not centered to the achievement of a career but rather a lifelong dedication to the craft.

Of course we will have to deal with the facts and the reality of life and in your essay, you are never shy to elaborate such a detailed chronology of your future goals and the bold steps you will take in order to attain those goals.

Lastly, I believe you were able to address the prompt to the best of your ability and I wish you the best of luck in this challenging field of arts.

Writing Feedback / Clothes used by people can be the best indicator to evaluate their background. [2]

Hi Tri, I can see that you were given a good remark already from one of our fellow contributors and I hope you follow through when you do the revision.

You should be able assess your writing at this point and see if the suggestions better showcase the idea you want your readers to read about.

This prompt is somehow an issue that is very relevant to todays world, indeed, sadly enough, somehow a persons fashion sense can make or break the role they play in the society. I had once a boss who said, you cannot be a colleague all the time, if you want to be a boss, you have to act like one. This is very true, as I progress in life, I never stop dreaming, working hard and ultimately, dressing appropriately, wether it be a party, a casual dinner or a beach day out, one should be dressed in a manner that is appropriate to the current situation and occasion.

Moreover, the arguments, facts and your personal opinion added a whole lot of character to your essay.

Writing Feedback / Fashion address the class and personal character of people; Importance of appearance in workplace [2]

- Fashion includes as one
- of the basic needs of human existence
- needs to focus on work quality.

- In a certain job
- whichthat offers
- smartly dressingdressed worker
- as a fashion
- regarding tothe effective
- effect of fashionable and
- yielded bythat theorganisationsorganization is able to yield .
- flight attendancesattendants ,
- to be stylish is absolutely essential
- as athe service they
- validate for all workers.

There you have it Ray, I hope the corrections above are useful.
Be careful with the words, there form as well as the tenses associated to it as this may affect the entirety of the sentence and ultimately the essay.

A few more practice and you should be able to polish your own work.

Writing Feedback / People should not be judged by clothes they wear [5]

Hi Nur, I believe you are the 5th of the students who responded to this prompt and believe me, no offense to the other students, but your's is one answer that is well structured, it has the essential information to address the prompt.

One more thing that I notice on your essay is that it has facts, this approach is highly regarded as you are not writing for the sake of depicting the ideas you have in order to answer your essay but you wrote an essay with a step ahead.

The introduction is also unusual, on a positive note, as it is already giving hints on what to expect on your essay.

Nur, I suppose what I mean is that I hope you keep up the good work on writing and answering the prompts in a way that it thinks out of the box and incorporates facts, this goes to show that you are trying your best and stepping up the game.

The best of luck to you and we're here should you need our assistance.

Writing Feedback / The society's status is not able to be assessed just based on their dress [2]

Hi Nida, I'll be straight forward with your essay.

First stop: The title

- The society's status is not able to be assessed just based on theirnot measured in the way they dress

I will take on the 2nd and the 3rd essay;

- can reflectis a reflection of their occupation
- tothe character of
- They're obligated
- In the fact,that they
- the fashion which people

- Appearance is not leada leading role to
- show people's fashion stylesense .
- people are likely to wear convenient - to wear clothes which make

Nida, I hope this corrections are helpful and I hope you follow through and correct the remaining paragraph yourself base on the actions done above.

Writing Feedback / The importance of workers appearance in organisations [3]

Hi Siti, good job on tackling this essay! A few suggestions however, please find my corrections below;

- Employees' - an apostrophe is not necessary
- think good standard - what do you mean by this?
- essentials role which have to be combined for
- in creating

- thingasset ( mind the words you input in your sentences )
- companies' - font#FF0000]an apostrophe is not necessary, though punctuation marks are essential to the completion of the word, you have to make sure that they are where they are suppose to be placed)

- theirare the clients going to - look like drinkersunprofessional .
- In the credit card business,
- the sales and marketing personnel dresses
- stylishly and neat
- sinceas they have

Siti, I made some corrections, I hope they're useful and please follow through with the suggested modification.

Writing Feedback / Fashion choice vs personality of people [2]

HI Angga, I believe I just finish reading almost the same essay that you wrote and I believe the only difference is the comparison of beliefs and how you manage to create an argument that depicts the ideas you have.

Honestly, I like the approach of the opposing ideas that you have, however, mind the sentence construction, as you might have notice already, the first paragraph needs improvement, so as the succeeding ones and it will take a while for you be good at this but it is practice that will keep you going.

Now, I would like you to ponder on the previous essay that you have, following this, do the revision following the same strategy that you see in most of the corrected sentences in your essay, this way you will be able to critique your own work and will give you a head start from the rest of the writers. Proof reading is also a good practice in criticizing your own work and believe me, it will only make your writing better and give you that confidence in writing.

Writing Feedback / Dress choice vs work quality in a business [2]

Hi Angga, I must say, at this point, I'm one of your loyal critique and I love sharing my thoughts on your essay with the hopes of improving it.

- Some institutions forced their employees
- arguments that statedthat
- in the business field as

- Since long agothen , the ones - from the society,
- compared to themthose who
- beliefs is applied in the business
- in order to makecreate a good
- where sales propotion girlspersonnel especially the ladies
- wear attrectiveattractive dress
- want to purchase the itemswill purchase cars . - Another institution is the bank,
- which makesthat imposes formal
- dress as a must
- respect from societiesthe society .

There you have it Angga, I hope the corrections help and a few things I want to reiterate, the spelling check should always be turned on and the linking verbs are not tagged as linking if they are not meant to be, so be extra careful when incorporating them in your sentences.

Scholarship / Supporting Statement for AAS 2017 Intake - three practical examples of using skills from scholarship [2]

Hi Yoga, WELCOME to EssayForum, I hope you find this website helpful in creating well written articles. Honestly, the essay fall short in quiet a lot of angles and I would like to help modify it, please find the corrections below.

I suggest that you add a couple of sentences in the introduction part in order to prepare the reader on what to expect in your essay.

- emphasize on ICT development
- analyzing the problem
- soas this complicates
- patients had neededneed to
- take the same medical
- planning dataa model data - without interferences .

- more in my fields .
- them through researches .
- researchfindings that will - more benefits for the society withbeneficial advice to them.
- By joining inJoining the academic field,
- I will get faster to knowgain more knowledge about - technology growth in these field( this is not necessary as we have established your field in the beginning of the paragraph ) . - Therefore, I can innovate and build some products

- which are up to date and required for thethat are updated and beneficial to the society.

There you have it Yoga, I hope the corrections I made are helpful.

Scholarship / Sri Lankan citizens suffering from blackouts; application for the commonwealth shared scholarship. [2]

Hi Navoda, first of all, I would like WELCOME you to the EF Family, we are one of the best places you can go to find credible, honest and reliable help on your writing articles and the likes. You can write to us about anything, student talk is one thread where a lot of students and writers alike converge and get connected from different parts of the world.

Now, enough about us and let's slice up your essay. First, mind the presentation of your essay, this is one thing that most of us readers and critiques alike will notice at a glance. I suggest you merge the short paragraphs of the essay and make them into bold ones, this will not only enhance the presentation of your essay but will also keep a formal approach of the essay.

I would like to further modify your essay by sharing some corrections on the last two paragraphs of the essay.

- During the awarding period
- I intend to conduct a research
- conferences so that I will be able to use thosein order to showcase the research
- the details of the carried out research
- the awarding period
- then provide accurate information
- sector afteron my return

- by doing afrom the master's degree
- in The UK
- wouldwill set me
- armed with abundant knowledge
- and determination to become
- couldwill make a greathuge difference in my country.

There you have it Navoda, I hope you find this remarks useful.

Essays / Need help on ideas for managerial turnover correlated to professional football results [2]

Hi Antar, I believe you have a very good prompt to start with, however, it does need a lot of mind boggling research, especially if it's me, who has no clue with the sports. I would like to assume that you are in this field of sports or would know much more than a regular fan of the sport, having said that, it should not take you much time to write such essay and since it seems that you are quiet struggling, then I suggest you have to strengthen your research and keep the facts intact. I also notice that you would like a mathematically induced approach of your essay and as the case, then not only the facts will matter but more so the figures, the numbers will play a huge role in your essay.

I would suggest that you add a graph or a diagram in this essay, a diagram depicting the correlation of two facts, the football managers and the results.

As you can see Antar, this essay is not as easy as it is and I definitely understand your confusion, but one thing that could help when you start writing, stay with the facts, the source of the information should be reliable and more importantly, understand what you're writing, this way you will be able to explain the essay should need be.

I hope to see the full, draft will do, article of the essay.

Writing Feedback / The increase of population causes humanity problem [3]

Hi Siti, I would like to share some insights on your essay and hopefully modify it for the better towards creating the revised version.

1st paragraph
- the government, especially those from the developing countries,
- government has already
- which itswith the purpose
- is to suggest to their citizens
- forto preventing the
- concerning issue of humanity
- in the world is the inclineinclination of population. - has become triggers totriggered this is
- gives( influence - denotes an act of giving or sharing )
- influenced
- onby lack of
- ofthat human's needs
- and poverty whichthis factors contribute to the poverty that
- affects humanity.

- In particular,
- some outskirts areas
- in developing country whichcountries usually
- have unfair spread of information with cities.( I'm not sure what you mean by this phrase )
- These things occur thein communities of

Siti, I must say, there is still a lot of work to be done in your essay, this is very evident in the corrections I made above. I hope you follow through and do a little bit more revision on the succeeding paragraphs.

Writing Feedback / The outcome of survey on happiness ratings (IELTS TASK 1) [2]

- of a survey on
- rates islies on the married people.
- rates of happiness.

- The age of group between
- 18 and 29 is a dominant in
- age of group at 40%,
- this number is twofoldbifold greater
- over age of group,
- which is almost a half.

- who havehas children,
- marriage partnermarried couple who
- havehas the age
- slightly less than both
- of nothose who has no children

Hi Nur, I hope my corrections above are useful in writing your revision.
For future writing reference, be careful with the usage of the linking verbs, to, of and the likes, this form of verbs are essential in completing this essay but it will definitely make a difference is you have the right one and the input placement is also well written.

Writing Feedback / Businessmen should consider another aspect when they want to raise the company's income [2]

Hi Angga, I would like to share my thoughts on your essay with the focus on the last two paragraphs.

- One of the ways
- from the business
- In many companycompanies ,
- non-money-non - financial related aspects,
- damages the environment severely,
- so that itand this will eventually
- the business doerowner .

- that, ( don't forget your punctuation marks ) although - The people who are involved
- in the business
- drawbacks that will

I hope this corrections helped in modifying your essay and for future reference, mind the form of the words you choose, such as company for companies, the right words makes the sentences right and its an absolute domino effect.

Writing Feedback / Cutting-edge communication technology affect people's personal relationships [2]

Hi Angga, after reading your essay, in conclusion, it is clear that you have an argument set for this prompt. What I'd like to mention is that the details of your argument are base not only on facts but on reality of life, some writers would actually not take the long road of analyzing the prompt and link it to current situation but you break that norms. Not only this, you also made sure that you have the ideas intact, through and through, meaning you wrote the essay with the same purpose from the beginning through out the essay.

One more thing, you were not afraid to talk about the negative effects of technology in todays society. As this is an argument, it is a known fact that you have to have the positive effects as well as the negatives, what you did is, you made sure that the ideas are balanced and apt to the standard and the purpose of the essay.

Overall, you have a well written essay and I hope to see more of your articles here on EF.

Writing Feedback / The happiness rate of American citizens toward married status and presence of children [2]

- of the happiness between
- married and unmarried of American
- towards their children gifted .
- Overall, it is obviously
- children effects are slightly similarthis rate as well .

- pleasure( I'm not sure what you mean by "pleasure") - those who are single except

- In addition to this facts ,
- the percentage whether theof married couple
- havewho has children
- themthose who have

Hi Ray, as you can see, I made a few corrections and I hope this is useful in creating your revision. For future writing reference, mind the construction of the sentences and the forms of the words you use such as the have / had, those / this, them / there, etc., this words matter a lot in making a good and clear sentence.

Writing Feedback / Happiness Ratings of people in US, based on marital status [2]

Hi Angga, please find my contributions below;

- in the US,
- children ofin different age
- also is slightly

- them whocouples aged 18 - 29

- Children is also
- smoothly determinea factor that determine people's
- into the families (44%)
- are them whothe one's aged under
- to themthose who have no children.

There you have it Angga, I believe you were able to analyze the graphs very well, however, for future writing reference, when you write the percentage of the ratings, as it is true to this graph, you don't have to enclose them in a parenthesis, it can be written right on, following your analysis.

I hope this is useful.

Essays / Essay about Robert Merton's Strain Theory [2]

Hi Brandon, honestly, when I got to read your essay, I must say that this particular prompt needs a lot of research, not to the extent of doing it like a research paper but you need to do some sort of researching. Having said that, the prompt is already suggesting an approach of creating a chart to highlight Merton's theory.

As far as my little research goes, this particular theory is a study on how people adapt to the changes in the society, how people react to certain circumstances and how this affects the overall community. This should be able to open a few sentences in your essay.

Having said that, a duly compiled research on the theory will greatly help your essay. When you do so, focus on the facts and when its time to end your essay, allow me to inject a question that may be able to help you formulate your conclusion, Is Robert Merton's theory visible in this day and age?, if so, how.

There you have it Brandon, I hope to read your essay soon.

Letters / Cover Letter for pursuing a M.Sc degree in Petroleum Engineering at Petroleum Institute [2]

- I have always had ahave the passion

- atin the University of Khartoum,
- which is theone is finestnumber-one university - the first-class honors in 2013.

- whichthat helped me develop a great self confidence,
- new and different
- IfShould I
- can get anbe given the opportunity
- to be a part of thatyour intellectually
- I am sure my talents will be put toknow I will be able to
- optimal useoptimize my full potential .
- and I do hope that you will look favorably on my application( this is not necessary at all )

Hi Hassan, I took the liberty to correct the essay in hopes of sharing and enhancing your essay when you do the revision.

Graduate / Digital Media Production Master Degree at the University of Brighton - Personal Statement essay [3]

Hi Dana, I can see that that you have really evolved in your writing, though it is not the field you would like to pursue, I can see a good writing ability that you have there. Now, two things that I notice straight away as I finish reading the essay, your introduction approach is very positive and the closing remarks stayed as positive as it started.

Moreover, the body and the information that lengthen the essay may not be necessary for the purpose of the essay, however, this information added to the character of the essay. I do suggest though that you try to merge some of the short paragraphs into big bold ones, when you do, mind the transition of the ideas and make sure that it will not affect the essay as a whole.

Overall, it is a wonderful writing, you had a mixture of what was then, your academic achievements, aspirations and more importantly, you have highlighted the outcome of this masters which is gearing towards positivity.

I hope my insights are useful and do let us should you need further assistance.

Student Talk / Query about the KGSP-2016 India [4]

Hi Ankush, first of all, on behalf of the EF Family, CONGRATULATIONS!!!
To be selected in the KGSP scholarship program is such a brilliant step to be closer to an institution that does not only spell SUCCESS but moreover, guarantees an experience of a life time. I know that you will cherish the opportunity given at this interview, now for some pointers and to address your mind - boggling - heart - pumping questions;

1. Will i compulsory to bring the copy of letter from supervisor in
Republic of Korea, Letter of Recommendation, Letter of
Self-Introduction, Statement of Purpose.?

This letters and recommendation papers are definitely a must- bring to the interview, however, don't show them if they don't ask for it, remember, the less you talk and the less you initiate information, the better the chances of going into that circle of scholars, I have practiced this techniques on interviews and they absolutely work.

2. Will any written test be hold related to the field.?

Well, for this question, as it is an interview, for my understanding and from experience, there will not be any written examinations, however, we will not be sure of what will transpire in the interview, so it's for you to find out.

Also, Ankush, I would like to remind you that the answers to your questions above is not base on facts, they are merely suggestions and anticipations as to what will transpire in the interview and it's all up to you to decide on what to do.

One thing is for sure, in an occasion where somebody will criticize you from head to toe and to the core of your brain, it's always and a must to BE YOURSELF and DO WHAT YOU THINK IS BEST, answer with a good heart and with an utmost intention for the good of the institution and for yourself.

The best of luck to you and do let us know what comes out of this interview, we would love to hear from you.

Research Papers / Requirement of "parent license" before you can have a child [2]

Hi Dimek, as I finish reading and understanding the research, I would like to note the positives as well as the negatives that might help enhance your research and will be useful for you future writing references.

Positives
- the introduction is well structured, you have stated a very well mannered argument and this starts the research very well
- words are carefully selected in order to depict the right idea and not mislead the research
- paragraphs are bold not the usual short and crowded ones
- well structured sentences and the transition is smooth

Negative
- citation can still be improved by adding them or should I say incorporating them in the essay, this way the reader will not have to look through the citation part of the paper, I'm not saying that the citation page is not relevant, however, having the work cited is always a good booster when it comes to finding facts and the source of the essay.

Well, as you can see Dimek, that's pretty much for the negatives and this obviously does not outweigh the positives that should tell you that you have done a well written essay.

Good luck with the research and feel free to revise it to your hearts desire.