Scholarship / Public order provision. Study in Australia will be more related to the Indonesian's context [2]

Ismayati, your scholarship personal statement needs to inform the reviewer as to why you chose to study in Australia rather than your home country. Therefore, rather than these constant complaints about coming from a polygamous family and the injustices in your country, you should instead, focus your discussion on how there is a parallelism between the public order provision in Indonesia and its similarities with its Australian counterpart. By discussing the similarities, you can then explain how the international education that you are seeking is meant to help you bring the Indonesian ruling up to date in terms of relevance to 21st century applications. Right now, your essay is difficult to understand and does not really explain about why you chose this course and Australia as your target country for study. I have to point out that your choice of university and the reasons behind it are not convincing enough because you are using publicly known information rather than personal information that relates to your academic background and the relevance of the courses being taught in this masters degree course will be beneficial to you in terms of your academic and professional goals.

Scholarship / What it means to me? Essay on Leadership and influence - question for Chevening Fellowship [8]

Mohit, kindly revise this essay to focus only on your 2017-2018 leadership experiences. As Chevening is looking for the best and the brightest future leaders, this is done by analyzing the most recent leadership roles of the applicant. So what happened when you were 10 years old does not factor into this discussion. As a leader, you must discuss not only your primary responsibilities, but also your trouble shooting and conflict resolution skills. Future leaders are not only negotiators, as you depict in your most recent leadership experiences, but also great problem solvers who know how to take the initiative in order to resolve a problematic situation. The last part of your essay that discusses your most recent leadership experiences should be the focal point of the discussion. These are the most relevant examples you can use to represent your response so it needs to be expanded in this essay. Everything else discussed before that is not helpful to your application essay. The last 2 paragraphs of this essay are relevant to the discussion and can be further developed in order to strengthen your claims. I already explained to you how to do that. Following my instructions will help you create a final form leadership essay that will at least have the reviewer seriously thinking about your leadership abilities in relation to the scholarship requirements and expectations.

Letters / You have just spent a week with a friend on holiday, you realised you had left your wallet. [2]

Inderjeet, this letter sounds like you used a very bad translator program to write it. It almost sounds like the letter is an automated transliteration from another language. The reason I said this is because your essay contains misused English words and seems to be focused on the use of impressive sounding words regardless of whether the chosen word is appropriate for the discussion or not. Is this the case? If it is, then you have to stop using the software because you won't have the software with your when you take the test. For the purpose of practice, you should use simple English words instead. Don't try to impress the reviewer by using words that you do not know how to use in the proper context. Such a haphazard practice creates a failing rather than a passing essay based upon the provided scoring criteria.

This letter is confusing to read and causes undue stress on the reader. I have already read the essay several times and I came to the conclusion that the letter is going to fail because the overall letter makes very little sense to the reader.

Letters / Application for acceptance into Master program for Operations and Innovation Management [2]

Cosmin, What you have written is a very informative essay but it does not directly refer to a response to the most basic questions posed in the motivation letter "What motivates you to study a masters degree? Why does this motivate you" These are the only 2 questions that you need to respond to in an expanded explanation form within the motivation letter.

Sure, you can mention your college course and internships, but you need to highlight your professional accomplishments as well in this essay. From the professional accomplishments, you can judge what additional, career based factors have fueled your motivation or need for higher study. You also need to explain what motivated your desire to study abroad. The motivation has to justify why the universities in your country cannot accommodate your educational goals in the same manner that a UK education can accomplish. Tie this into a simple statement about your ultimate career goal and your response essay should be set for submission.

Just focus on the information I indicated for representation in this discussion. Don't include any other information because the rest of the information that you are presenting in this version of the essay should be in the statement of purpose instead. So any discussion that cannot relate to the guidelines I provided to you should not be in this essay.

Writing Feedback / Descriptive essay: TEN MINUTES - a nuclear war scene topic [4]

Julia, you are right on the mark as per the essay. It is a descriptive essay. It does represent the descriptions of the setting and describes the details in an impressive manner. The problem is that you did not spend a small amount of time describing the characters in your short story. This made the essay monotonous to read. Were you told to be non-gender specific in the presentation? If so, then you should have cut the descriptive monotony by placing dialogues in strategic points in order to help the descriptions become more imaginative and descriptive. By the way, you need to describe the location or setting of the story. Is this located in a nuclear bomb shelter or somewhere less protected from the blast? Little details such as these help to add to the descriptive nature of your essay and also engages the imagination of the reader, which is the main purpose of a descriptive essay. For example, using a countdown to the final moments in the essay will add to the tension that you can describe within the essay. Descriptions are not always about so cut and dried, it can also be done in other manners such as describing the situation based on the events unfolding during a countdown. Try to vary the descriptions other than the specific mode that you use in this essay. Read other available descriptive essays online if you want to get ideas as to how you can shake up your presentation in this essay.

Scholarship / LETTER OF SELF INTRODUCTION FOR KGSP MASTERS PROGRAM IN (Talend and Passion) [2]

sundas, do you have a copy of the new prompt requirements for the KGSP scholarship? If you do, I get this sense that you did not refer to the list of required information that was set out as part of the prompt requirements for the development of your essay. This presentation seems to be based more on the old standard for developing the letter of self introduction rather than the more academic focus driven prompt found in the new application documents. Your essay actually has elements of the new prompt questions represented. You just need to build upon the limited information that you currently have in the essay by eliminating all the irrelevant portions that do not help you to present a heightened sense of information for the following questions:

1. Your motivation with which you apply to this program;
2. Your relation and work experience in relation to KGSP;
3. Reason for studying in Korea;
4. Any other aspects of your background and interests which may help us evaluate your aptitude and passion for graduate
study or research.

As you can see from the list above, your essay has a tendency to stray from the required information presentation. That is why you need to refine the content of your essay based upon these information expectations. Once you refocus the content of your essay to better respond to and only respond to the required elements, your essay will be more useful as a letter of self introduction.

Scholarship / KGSP - is a big opportunity to start over, when you think that life is over [7]

Svetlana, your letter of self introduction should sell your skills instead of playing the emotional pity card with the reviewer. There are specific prompt requirements that the letter needs to respond to. However, I am not sure as to whether you are applying as a second major undergraduate student who is eyeing a change in career path, or if you are a masters degree student opting to change your career path. Unless I am clear on what it is that you aim to do as a student in Korea, I will be unable to properly direct the corrections of the problem points of your letter of self introduction. Or is this supposed to be a personal statement? In which case, the essay really needs more revisions to the point of writing a new essay. Like I said, the essay delves too much on a personal plea based on personal circumstances, which, I think, is not what the personal statement or letter of self introduction requires. If you can clarify what you are trying to write and what particular scholarship you are applying to, I might be able to come back to give you more focused assistance. No promises, but I will try to come back and help you.

Scholarship / TO THE HIGHT COMMISION. My principal recommendation letter for the Chevening Program [2]

tess, here is the thing, as a professional editor, I can manage to pick out what it is that you want to say in this letter. Unfortunately, the confusing method by which you wrote the letter will make it difficult for the ordinary reader or reviewer to actually comprehend what you are trying to say. The letter is messed up by your use of incorrect English vocabulary throughout the letter. There are instances when the letter deviates and discusses the colonel rather than sticking to only you as the focus of the letter. In all honesty, the letter will be better helped by a professional revision rather than having you try to correct the errors. The Chevening recommendation letter needs a higher level of vocabulary presentation than you have in this presentation.

You can do one of two things to try to improve the presentation. The first is to run the letter through a grammar checker that will hopefully help to clear up the numerous confusing parts or, you can opt to seek professional editing through our services link above. It will be difficult for me to point out the areas for improvement in the letter you wrote because there are simply too many to point out. I would end up revising your whole letter, something that the rules of the forum do not allow me to do for you.

The information is valid and useful, but little informative because of the presentation problems. The letter has the potential to become a strong recommendation for you to the program. The problem, is that the weak, confusing, and unclear thought presentations prevent it from doing so.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 2: Importance of Economics or Other Type of Progess [2]

Ying, this essay is lacking a proper opening paraphrase of the original prompt, an accurate 3 body paragraph discussion, and a properly formatted summary conclusion paragraph. These problems account for more than half the passing consideration of your essay and your failure to provide these elements means that your essay will fail in the TA section. This will make it harder for you to get a passing score based on the remaining scoring elements.

The proper paraphrase must indicate your understanding of the prompt as it was given to you. That means, you must deliver your own understanding of the following in the paragraph:

1. Topic for discussion
2. The mention of point of view 1
3. Mention of point of view 2
3. Thesis statement with a reference to your personal opinion as part of the discussion prior to the concluding statement.

You did well in the first 2 body paragraphs but then failed to properly present an informative personal point of view because you discussed this as a closing statement with only 2 sentences within it. This created an open ended essay which means that your ability to discuss your point of view in a relevant manner was not accomplished. This also means that you have no conclusion to draw upon so that the discussion can be considered summarized and closed. A concluding statement does not present a continued discussion, as in a personal opinion, because this paragraph is meant to summarize the important points of the discussion as an information reminder for the reader's consideration.

Scholarship / Describe clearly the key things you are looking for in a course and your reasons for choosing it [3]

Embun, your response is off target. If you review the website in relation to your masters degree course choice, you will find a short version of the course curriculum that describes the courses that you will be taking in relation to what you will be learning. These information can help you describe what key features of a particular course will interest you. Your interest in these particular courses should tie in with a particular aspect of child education that you are interested in learning more about. By writing a new essay that aligns itself with the prompt questions you will have a more appropriate response created. The current essay that you are presenting sounds more like a research paper than an explanation as to how particular subjects in the masters course will help you improve in the performance of your job.

Letters / Max 300 words in which you describe why you would like to attend the programme you have chosen [2]

Abdul, the first paragraph of your motivational letter is not necessary. You can skip that presentation because the motivational letter has nothing to do with your childhood fanciful thoughts. The motivation letter should instead, reflect a summary of your statement of purpose. That means, you have to indicate, in summary form, the basis of your interest in this advanced course of study and why you believe graduating from this course will help you in the performance of your professional tasks. In addition to that, you need to indicate an academic, rather than social reason for your choice of university. Remember, you are not in Amsterdam to socialize, you are there to study. While personal development is important, that should only be secondary to your academic interests and practical training in this field. If you revise the essay to cover the needed changes and proper discussions, you should see an instant reduction in your word count.

Writing Feedback / New Zealand and spending money - Ielts taks1 the pie chart [3]

weiling, aside from an incomplete summary overview, your essay also lacks a proper paragraph representation. You are prone to presenting run-on sentences instead of individual, related discussion sentences which can be used to form the required 3-5 sentences. As such, you will lose major points when the TA, GRA and C&C sections of your presentation are considered. The errors you made in these 3 sections are enough to create a non-passing score. Even though you wrote more than 150 words, it is not the number of words that you wrote which will be main consideration for your score. Rather, the score will be based upon the accuracy of your report and analysis of the illustration provided. Had you provided us with a copy of the image, I would have been able to show you a few methods by which you could improve your future writing. Sadly, I cannot do that at this point. Please remember to provide us with a copy of the image the next time you upload an essay for us to review.

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 1: Forested land in millions of hectares in different parts of the world. [3]

Tra, your essay is missing an appropriate summary overview, that should have been the first paragraph of this essay. The total number of paragraphs for this Task 1 essay is 4 paragraphs. Each paragraph needs to have a uniform number of sentences between 3-5. You have a tendency to use run on sentences in repeated paragraphs. You will lose C&C and GRA points because of that. Run-on sentences prevent you from properly developing a clear presentation of the information and the ability to create more complex sentence structures. Do not place relevant information in parenthesis. In fact, don't use a parenthesis in your presentation at all because it creates confusion for the reader as you are inserting information rather than providing connected information in individual sentences. You did cover all of the information presented in the chart though. So if you had a proper summary overview, the essay might have had a chance of improving its score by just a little bit.

Scholarship / Essay about developing e-learning for maths word problems (Applying for KGSP) [4]

Hafsah, your goal of study needs an appropriate title. It should also be presented in a thesis style proposal. The abstract should be clear, the methodology needs to be expanded to include the possible research assistance you may require of the university, and you need to present probable results for your goals. Right now, this essay sounds more like a research paper draft than an actual proposal. Your current presentation does not make it seem like you actually know what you are getting into with this research because you rely heavily on the information from your research instead of explaining how this research will benefit your career upon your return. The brief presentation that you made does not really create an impression because there is not enough development of your project proposal. Try to lessen the researched information and focus more on relating your goals with your professional requirements. The presentation should be similar to the college thesis proposal that you used in your senior year and contain information about where you plan to do the research, what your target demographic is, and how the university should be able to assist you in setting up your research work with other facilities.

Scholarship / STUNED Essay. Why you apply for the chosen program, what do you intend to do with your Master degree [4]

Sagita, what you have here is the preliminary work on a research paper relevant to your field of interest. It is not a statement of purpose that aligns itself with the prompt requirements. The essay should focus on the relevance of your chosen course to your current profession. Throughout this essay you are constantly referring to other information in relation to your interest. That creates an academic connection but not a personal and professional connection between you and the course you are hoping to enroll in. Basically, your essay is lecturing the reviewer instead of offering information that will help him decide your readiness to attend and complete these classes based on a future application in your line of work. This essay needs to be totally changed and directed towards the areas of concern I pointed out above, in relation to the prompt requirements.

Scholarship / Can Chemistry be useful? When I use all of my theory in my real life? - Personal Statement for KGSP [5]

Isnaini, your essay does not make any sense. You are just rambling on without really focusing on responding appropriately to the prompt requirements. It appears that you did not understand what was being required of your presentation and you just kept writing in the hopes of coming up with a relevant essay. Sadly, you were unable to accomplish that. Let me see if I can help you better understand the presentation that is expected.

The first prompt is about your motivations. These are the reasons why you feel that you need to learn about more advanced theories and practices in your field of work. In this portion, you should discuss your current work experience in relation to your realization that you have some obstacles in the performance of your duties which need to be academically addressed if you are to continue progressing in this line of work.

Your education and work experience needs to focus on your college studies. Share your academic accomplishments such as honors or awards. Make sure that you highlight your internship experience. Explain how this internship experience helped you better understand the requirements of your college major and the impact that it had on you when you started looking for a job. Now, speaking of a job, you did not really touch on that topic in the essay. I wonder why you forgot to do that. The work experience is important because it connects with the motivation you have for advanced studies.

The reasons you have for studying in Korea are shallow and not impressive because you started with the story of your professor and classmates, which makes your paragraph weak. Develop the paragraph instead around how Korea is advancing in the field that you are planning to enroll in and how you consider Korea to be the upcoming leader in this field, or any other information that will show how your desire to study in Korea has everything to do with your academic and professional development.

Collectively, all of these information should help you prove that you have the passion that it takes to focus your attention on your classes both in languages and relevant subjects, along with the research experience that will allow you fully utilize any self-study potential you have that can be honed by the scholarship.

Scholarship / Study Animation in South Korea and living my dream - KGSP [2]

Hi Nora, your essay is too confusing as it is jumping all over the place in terms of presentation. You need to focus only on the appropriate aspects of the essay which the reviewer will find informative and relevant to the prompt requirements. There are a number of elements in this essay that you can omit in the revised version in order to allow for a more focused presentation of the relevant information. For example, you can shorten the irrelevant information about your previous high school major by simply mentioning that you had other interests in high school which you no longer pursued because you developed an interest in film and animation. Then explain how that interest developed prior to your seeing the information about the contest and your joining / winning it. You should also explain how your interest in Korean culture developed. You have a tendency to not explain your statements clearly. You just hit the reader with the information directly without offering a supporting background statement first. That leaves the reader with questions as to the development of your interests. Try to develop the essay in the following manner in order to aid in clarity of the presentation:

1. Family information
2. Academic excellence
3. Development of your interest in your major and any awards you have won (just mention you had a previous interest but don't expand on that discussion too much as it is irrelevant to your application).

4. Influential animators or film makers and how they influenced your filmmaking style
5. Extra curricular activities in relation to your major interests
6. Reasons you developed an interest in Korea
7. Indicate how far you have gone with your preparations. When are you scheduled to take the TOEFL and TOPIK? Why did you decide to take the TOPIK now instead of after the one year language classes in Korea?

8. Why do you believe that you will be more successful as a filmmaker in the future if you study in Korea instead of your home country

Scholarship / South Korea - the only country I could fit - Personal Statement for KGSP [2]

Rashad, this personal statement thoroughly confuses the reader. There does not seem to be a point to your essay. Is this supposed to be a letter of self introduction for a masters degree scholarship application? If it is then I have to tell you that your motivation for studying in Korea doesn't make sense. The motivation has to relate to your college major and professional requirements. It does not have anything to do with the year long Hangul lessons and everything to do with the reasons why you felt that you had no other option but to study in Korea. In fact, you need to clarify what it is that you will be studying and the reasons behind your desire to study there. What is your motivation? What has your motivation got to do with your reasons to study in Korea? How does this motivation justify your desire to study in Korea? What makes Korea special? No, don't inform the reader about Taekwondo. That is irrelevant to your chosen course and current occupation? This essay clearly lacks focus, an understanding of the prompt requirements, and a solid foundation with regards to strongly presenting your evidence regarding your ability to complete a masters degree course.

Scholarship / Essay about developing e-learning for maths word problems (Applying for KGSP) [4]

Hafsah, are you applying for an undergraduate scholarship or a masters degree scholarship? The reason I ask is because there is no statement of purpose requirement for masters degree students. A letter of self introduction is required based on specific prompt requirements instead. The SOP is required only for undergraduate applicants. Which one are you? For a statement of purpose, this essay is lacking in so many aspects.

First of all, the statement of purpose requires you identify a specific problem to address during your studies. The statement of purpose is used to describe the extent of your professional exposure to your chosen field and your theoretical or practical shortcomings / questions that led you to decide to enroll in advanced academic learning. This is meant to help you better perform your task as a professional. Normally, the SOP showcases your college education, your professional experience, and the considerations that led to your desire to study this particular course, which by the way, you have neglected to mention in the essay.

Now, I am confused as to why you presented a goal of study and study plan in the statement of purpose. For a KGSP masters degree scholarship application, that is written as a totally separate essay. It is not included in the letter of introduction or in this case, your statement of purpose. Somehow, I think you got confused when writing the self introduction essay and you accidentally called it a statement of purpose. This essay doesn't deliver the required information for a letter of self introduction but it also does not produce the proper information for a statement of purpose.

You need to double check your information sheet. Be sure about the essay you need to write and the prompt you are required to respond to. The KGSP is very specific about their prompt requirements and if you do not respond properly to the provided questions, you immediately lose your shot at the scholarship. You better make sure that you are writing the correct essay while you still have the time.

Scholarship / KGSP Personal Statement - Learning about Other Cultures [2]

The essay could use more of a backstory regarding your decision to become a polyglot. Since you are focusing your studies on being a professional linguist / translator, the development of your desire to learn about languages, eventually focusing on the Korean language in particular becomes a necessary backstory for your essay. I find that your essay is lacking when it comes to describing the motivation that you have for learning about Hangeul in particular. It would help your essay if you can show the progression of your linguistic abilities and what challenged you in particular about Hangeul that led to your eventual focus on the language. What set this language apart from the more mainstream international languages such as English, Chinese, Spanish, and French? How does your interest in the Korean language explain your reasons to study in Korea? What do you hope to achieve at the end of the masters course? Since you chose 3 universities under the university track, you should take the time to explain why you chose a particular course at a particular university, thereby coming up with 3 explanations and universities. The embassy track essay is a bit more difficult to write because of the multiple representations of the universities and courses. Done properly though, you end up with a letter of self introduction that more than serves it purpose within your application document presentation.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 2: Opinions of the Constructing New or Existing Transportation [3]

Ying, you only wrote 179 words in an essay that requires a minimum of 250 words. By not writing the required minimum number of words, you will automatically fail the test. You cannot be accurately judged on the scoring tasks because you have not written enough in the essay to allow the examiner to review your actual English skills in the 4 categories for scoring. All of your paragraphs are composed of only 2 sentences when the minimum requirement is 3 with a maximum of 5 sentences per paragraph. From the way I read your existing essay, none of the paragraphs are amply developed and as such, do not completely present a proper opinion or train of thought. You also failed to discuss the essay in the required manner which is a discussion of each point of view as presented in the original prompt and then a discussion of your personal point of view towards the end of the essay. The 2 points of view plus your opinion should have been discussed in the 3 body paragraphs which would have helped to create the expected 5 paragraph format for this essay. Therefore, this essay cannot pass the test. Since you are already here at the forum, I suggest that you read similar discussions regarding this prompt requirement so that you can get a better idea as to how to present this discussion and also learn from the mistakes of others.

Graduate / My fascination towards data analytics. SOP for Masters in Business Analytics in UIOWA [2]

Vasanth, this sounds more like a casually developed personal statement rather than a statement of purpose. You need to use a more formal tone in writing and avoid using words such as "a lot" because that creates a too relaxed atmosphere in your essay. A statement of purpose needs to have some clear information in its presentation in order to be truly informative.

The first line of information that you should provide is your purpose for seeking the masters in business analytics. This could be related to your forward thinking idea about how you foresee data analytics being used to improve business functions in the future. The purpose could be your thoughts on how to better improve the collection of data through specific metrics in a given business metric. Or, maybe you just want to advance your career in the future and you need to have a masters degree in a related field in order to be considered for promotion.

Make sure the show the relationship between your college degree, your profession, and your MS studies. I don't see a clear connection between the three because of the lack of academic concentration and presentation in your essay. You are omitting key facts in your presentation that would help to create that connection. One method of doing that is by presenting your related college thesis or internship experience that will allow you to prove that you have the academic foundation to pursue higher learning in this field.

Your work experience is applicable and relevant but can use some additional facts. Explain how you got your start in big data at this business and at what point you decided to focus your profession on that field. Describe your professional satisfaction in this line of work. Indicate your short and long term goals in relation to the completion of your masters degree.

Your decision to attend this university needs more information. Aside from what you have to offer the university and your classmates, you should also look into what the university offers that can help you advance your skills and career. Then explain why you look forward to participating in those programs and how you hope to apply it in a real world professional setting.

The credentials that you present are impressive, just not appropriately presented in the essay. Adjust the content presentation and add the indicated information points in order to strengthen the presentation.

Scholarship / KGSP Personal Statement - I want to fix my country unseen problem [2]

Josevan, the reference to your ambition should start with high school not childhood. the reviewers do not believe that children can manage to have such serious ambitions in life but high school students who have the proper exposure to your professional interests can manage to have serious ambitions. Revise that paragraph to indicate either your junior or senior year in high school. Expand on the discussion regarding the reasons why your father influenced you to change your college major. Does it somehow relate to your father's own occupation? If it does, then you have to explain that as one of the motivating factors for your interest in this field.

Discuss your college accomplishments in terms of your academic recognition. Explain what kind of awards and recognition you received in order to better explain your education which will also add to the explanation as to your abilities to do extensive research and other graduate studies requirements. Your current discussion is too short and uninformative in terms of your academic relevance to the course requirements. You must include a discussion of your college thesis (if possible) and how it relates to your masters degree interest. Additionally, the thesis discussion, depending upon how you present it, should be able to highlight and showcase your strong points in terms of research, analysis, and written discussions.

Your indicated activities are not relevant to the discussion. What you need to present are actual work experience in the field. Remove the extra curricular reference and focus on developing the internship discussion in a manner that might allow it to take the place of the required work experience. The problem with this portion of your essay is that you made it an analysis of the situation in your country rather than a qualifying factor for your scholarship consideration, which was what you were being asked to represent.

When you enumerate the companies that you consider role models in South Korea, never end the sentence with a word filler such as etc. Simply close the sentence with a period in order to keep the academic tone. Etc. is a casual word used in informal written discussions.

Your reason for studying in Korea, based upon your closing statement is relatively weak and does not help the application explain moving and believable reasons for your desire to study in Korea. You need to develop personal, socio-cultural, and academic reasons for your interest and present those in individual paragraphs.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 2: Two Opinions of the Internet [3]

Ulfa, you are making the same mistakes as you did in your previous essays in this essay discussion. In fact, your mistakes even have an addition this time around because you forgot to discuss your personal opinion as instructed by the original prompt statement. Remember how I had previously told you that you need to learn how to analyze the original prompt in order to figure out what sorts of discussions belong in the 3 body of paragraphs? This essay also outlined the discussion pattern for your already but you failed to recognize it. The 3 body paragraphs for this essay should have reflected:

1. Opposing statement explanation
2. Supporting statement explanation
3. Personal opinion

The 3 paragraphs for discussion plus the opening and closing statement would have resulted in the standard and required 5 paragraph essay presentation. You also need to remember that you are allowed only a minimum of 3, maximum of 5 sentences per paragraph. Your paragraphs are inconsistent with the requirements as they contain overly long paragraphs or run-on sentences. You know how to fix these problems, I have told you enough times about how to do it in your previous essays. Please apply what I am advising you otherwise you will not be showing improvement and you may risk not passing the test because of it.

Since you did not completely discuss the tasks, you will scored on a tangential basis and most likely, based upon all of the errors in this paper, will keep you from reaching a passing score.

Undergraduate / Queen's Commerce: Most important lesson you learned from a mistake you have made? (300 words) [2]

Chenlei, the first sentence is a throw away. It is not necessary to create a prompt restatement in this instance because you have a word count sensitive essay. Open with the second paragraph instead. Insert a paragraph in between the current second and third paragraphs that shows the negative effect of what happened aside from the bad feeling it created in your boss. Discuss how this mistake affected your relationship with your boss and how you worked to fix it. Explain how you avoided repeating the same mistake in similar instances. Depict a development in your diplomatic communication skills. I need to emphasize the "diplomatic" part of communication because a diplomatic conversationalist will know how to discuss delicate and sensitive topics, such as a salary situation, in a manner that will produce results without creating discord or misunderstanding between the concerned parties.

Scholarship / "Stipendium Hungaricum" Program - Motivation letter for Hungarian Scholarship [2]

This is a very weak motivation letter and will not be considered for candidacy in the scholarship program. It does not have a clear motivation aside from a shallow desire to study in Hungary, for no academically connected reason. You are simply saying "I want to apply for the scholarship." but you are not justifying your qualifications in order to be considered a serious applicant. A motivation letter should indicate the reasons why you believe you qualify as a candidate based upon the academic objectives of the scholarship plus your professional goals. Explain in detail why you believe that your current studies have prepared you to move to an academic community in Hungary. How do your academic goals match the scholarship considerations and requirements? Think about a strong motivation that could connect your current studies with masters studies in Hungary, and your future professional plans. Unless you can do that, you won't be able to develop a competitive scholarship motivation letter. Prove that your motivations make you a match for the scholarship program. Right now, there is no match nor motivation properly represented.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 2: Agree or Disagree of Local Police Officer Recruitment [2]

Ulfa, you need to understand something important about the opening statement. This is always presented as a paraphrase of the original prompt and as such, you cannot be seen using the same words from the original paragraph with only a small change made to it. Your second sentence is almost an exact copy and paste of the original. In order to appropriately meet the paraphrasing requirements, the presentation should be similar to the following:

There is a growing perception that law enforcement officials should be hired based upon the neighborhood that they come from. While people tend to deliberate regarding this discussion, I believe that this is a good idea. Police who come from their home neighborhoods tend to have local knowledge that prove to be valuable in the performance of their duties. I will discuss some of these reasons in this essay.

As you can see from the example above, I provided a restatement of the prompt based upon my own understanding of the topic provided and the discussion instructions. These sentences prove that I understood the requirements for the essay presentation because I was able to deliver a clear understanding and explanation of the prompt in my own words. The opening statement will prove your English understanding and explanation skills. So you have to make sure to present it in a highly different manner from the original that still retains the original information provided.

Please improve your English vocabulary. You should make sure that the word you are using will correspond to the meaning you want to deliver. You made a mistake when you said "They can console in using their..." because the word console in this instance means, "to alleviate or lessen the grief, sorrow, or disappointment of; give solace or comfort:" Based on the definition of the word, it is obvious that your word choice was wrong. The proper presentation of the word would have been "They can take consolation in using..." Consolation in this instance meaning, "someone or something that consoles". In this case, the use of their native tongue will be the "consolation" that they need.

You have formatting problems with the essay. This must always be 5 paragraphs long. Review the other essays on this site so that you will discover some tricks that can help you keep within the required formatting guidelines for maximum scoring potential.

Scholarship / Why should they choose me for KGSP 2018 ? [4]

There are a number of important points in the prompt that you have failed to address in your essay. The first, is that you have not shown a strong foundation in your research abilities in relation to your college studies. There needs to be a part of the essay that describes how interested you are in research, aside from your strong foundation in education and internship programs.A masters degree student is going to have to be able to focus on developing remarkable research papers in relation to his chosen course. You do not display a strength in that field in this essay. While it was nice of you to include a focus on Korea in relation to Economics, it has to directly relate with your future ambitions or plans as an economist for your own country. Describe which parts of the Korean economic program you hope to focus your learning on for future application in Bangladesh.

Be more specific in the motivating factor so that it can double as the reason why you wish to study in Korea. The description of how your mother introduced you to the Korean system of education is important in this essay and should not be only a sentence long. That discussion will comprise the reason you decided to study in Korea on a more personal level in addition to the academic level. Slight adjustments to your essay content will result in a more polished and informative essay. This is already well written and informative, it just needs to be adjusted to include some important but overlooked information on your part.

Writing Feedback / Choose to take courses in a variety of subject areas or to focus on a single subject area? [3]

KevinLove, your English grammar is simple enough to warrant only a few minor corrections. You have 2 problems when it comes to your sentence construction problems. The problems are in relation to (1) time frame / tense usage and (2) connecting word issues. For example, when you use the word "variety" you are inferring that there are several items in the list. As you know, the minute you indicate more than 1 of an item, you need to use the plural reference for the subject. The correct reference would then be "variety of subject areas". Try to avoid word fillers such as "You know" because that is the first sign of non-native English speaker. A native English speaker always speaks in a direct manner, getting to the point sooner, rather than later. Since you are speaking in reference so something that has already happened (your being a college student at the moment), the appropriate action reference for "choose" should also be in the past hence "chose". Connecting words such as "and" are not used to open a new sentence because there is no prior thought or explanation to connect at that point. Connecting words are only used mid-sentence in order to connect 2 related thoughts in the presentation. Based on these advice that I have provided, you should be able to analyze the rest of your paragraphs, spot the mistakes, and correct them. Keep up with your English sentence structure exercises. You should be able to improve over time. I see the potential in your work.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 2: Causes and Solutions of International Tourism [2]

Ulfa, your opening statement is expressive but confusing to read due to your lack of English grammar knowledge. The word you should have used in the first sentence was "dangers" not "dangerous". You must read more English written material by native English speakers so that you will see and understand how the British form their sentences. It will also help you learn the rudiments of English writing in a manner that no English classes or IELTS tutoring ever can. Your whole essay will not get a very good Lexical Resource and GRA score. These are the 2 sections that are pulling down your score to a non-passing level.

In addition to that, you failed to properly discuss the task using the 3 body paragraph presentation. If you notice, you were given a total of 3 topics to discuss in the body namely:

1. Reasons people believe that tourism is bad for their country;
2. One method that you suggest in order to change the negative attitude towards tourists;
3. Example of an effective way of doing this.

When you are given a specific discussion outline as in this case, always make sure to use the given outline as the topics for your body paragraphs. That is expected and that is what will make writing these sorts of essays easier for you to accomplish.

You also need to have a uniform set of sentences based on the writing guidelines. That means, no less than 3 but no more than 5 sentences per paragraph. Needless to say, your opening and closing statements do not fall under the C&C requirements of the IELTS Task 2 test and as such, will be given a lower score because of the incomplete sentence structure.

There are many examples of how to write proper opening and closing paragraphs here at EF. All you have to do is click on the similar discussions link in order to read those samples and the advice given to them for improvement in their written work. You might be able to pick up a few pointers from the mistakes of others as well.

Scholarship / I can learn a lot of good things from this great nation. KGSP scholarship 2018 [2]

Deagisti, I can see that your personal statement is still based on the previous prompts which had a focus on family relations and ties to your future outlook. That is why the first 2 paragraphs of your essay is irrelevant to the new prompts that you were being asked to write about. I can honestly say that I did not find an appropriate motivation for your interest to study in Korea or a particular Korean university. The motivation for your interest in a Korean education should have something to do with the way that Korea has pioneered certain food handling or processing technologies or procedures. This must be explained in comparison to your own country's food handling abilities in order to properly represent how you could be motivated to study outside of your country for your masters degree.

For your academic experience, you have to show the reviewer that you have been prepared for this masters degree through your college education. In your presentation, you totally skipped the college discussion, which is the most important of the educational aspect of your essay. In fact, it is far more important than the high school education that you focused on. You have to revise that part to show how your college education and your college thesis developed your abilities as a researcher as that is a required discussion point by the prompt.

You should never indicate that you believe you are "the best candidate" for the program. Reviewers don't like it when students sound over confident in their essays. It almost sounds like you are telling the reviewer how to do his job. It would be best for you to either rephrase that part or just omit it since it is not part of the required information for the essay.

The last part of the essay about your reason for studying in Korea is good but too simplistic in presentation. Try to delve deeper into the food industry of Korea and how you hope to learn more about specific developments coming out of their food industry in order to close the essay on a far stronger note than it has now.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2, Are celerities setting bad role models for the young because of their glamour? [3]

Jawad, this is an "emotional" opinion essay because it asks you to present the degree of your agreement or disagreement with the given topic. References to terms such as "strongly, immensely, partially, fully, totally, marginally" are used to represent the "extent" of your opinion. By the way, the opinion should form the end sentence of the opening statement as this represents the thesis statement of the essay. It should not be used as a topic sentence in the second paragraph.

You only have 4 paragraphs presented for what is always a 5 paragraph essay. There are 3 body paragraphs that are meant to allow you to show off your English opinion writing skills in relation to your lexical resource and GRA abilities. Don't write just 4 paragraphs because that does not help you increase your scoring potential. It actually lessens it because you are not presenting the proper format for the essay and as such, you will have points deducted. '

With regards to your discussion points, don't refer to research information in reference to your opinion. Don't make it a habit to use outside references because the testing center will be on WLAN lockdown. You won't have exterior internet access at that time. Additionally, this is a bad practice to have during the practice tests because you are wasting time looking up information to help your opinion. Time is of the essence in this sort of test so you should rely on your common sense and publicly known opinions for the defense of your stance instead. You are not being graded on the sources, you are being graded on your ability to use the English language to explain your personal opinion so focus on the actual testing consideration. This is not a college research paper, this is an English usage test.

Writing Feedback / New, modern buildings - is it a good investment? [5]

Luna, the task 2 essay has a minimum word requirement of 25 words. You wrote only 184 words which means that this essay will not get a passing score. It will fail because you did not meet the minimum word count and as such, did not appropriately represent your skills based on the scoring criteria either. Therefore, you will not be considered for a passing score on any level by the examiner. It is important that you follow all of the requirements of the IELTS task 2 essay, specially with the word count and paragraph number presentation. The specifics are as follows and will never change regardless of the Task 2 prompt. These specifics are meant only for the Task 2 tests and does not apply to Task 1 essays. What you need to make sure that you always do is:

1. Have an opening paragraph that accurately restates the prompt in terms of the topic for discussion, reason for discussion, discussion instruction, and thesis statement at the end.

2. Write at least 250 words for the whole essay.
3. Make sure the essay has 5 paragraphs covering the opening statement, 3 reason discussions, and a closing statement.
4. Present at least 3 sentences, but no more than 5 sentences per paragraph in order to maximize your overall scoring rubic
5. Make sure that you leave at least 5 minutes of the test time to review, revise, edit, and polish your essay presentation.

This being your first submission to this forum, I will be light on you and not dwell on the numerous mistakes in the essay. Instead, I want to focus on helping you correct your presentation format. Once you have the right format in the next practice test, we can review it for more serious errors and corrections.

Scholarship / Training and experience in Korea - study plan and future plan - I would like apply for KGSP [3]

KONE, I am not sure what it is that you wrote here but it is definitely not a goal of study and study plan with an appropriate future plan for after your graduate. You are referencing a previous college thesis that you completed in this essay. That would have been good if you had somehow connected that project with your future master thesis. The problem, is that I do not see any masters thesis proposal in relation to your college thesis. That is the whole point of this essay statement. Explain how you plan to use your research opportunity as a masters student in Korea. What would you research? Why did you choose that topic? How do you plan to accomplish this out of the classroom learning time? I expected to at least read an abstract presentation of your potential thesis statement, along with a methodology for the research and a presumed result.

Your plans to work in Korea only mention companies that you hope to work for, but you don't really have a vision for indirectly paying back the country that sponsored your studies. How would Korea or this field of technology in particular, benefit from your extended stay after graduation? What impressive contribution do you plan to make to the industry and to the country itself? Your future plan is bleak because it is not well thought out.

It would be better for your response if you opt to write new essays instead. Read the other samples available here so that you will get a better idea of how to approach and present the information to the reviewer. Right now, this is not acceptable as a Goal of Study and Future Plan essay because it does not present such ideas in its discussion.

Graduate / My examination essay - what is your biggest mistake [3]

Cherawit, the first thing you have to learn about writing a narrative essay is that it must have a clear topic presentation in the first paragraph and then a clear development of that discussion throughout the remaining essay paragraphs. In this instance, your grammar could have been forgiven for being so poor if you had only focused your discussion on one topic presentation so that the reader would at least, not feel so stressed while reading the poorly developed sentences. If you pick one topic and stick to providing the supporting discussions for it, then the essay will make more sense to the reader, even if the grammar is questionable. In this instance, the reason the essay became so bad is because your topic for discussion and its related thought process was not clear to the reader.

I think that before you start to write essays, you should first practice developing simple to intermediately complex English sentences. By doing practice exercises for this (the practice tests are free and available online), you will also learn how to properly put together a coherent and cohesive paragraph. Don't aim for the big prize at this point. Start with the small prizes like learning how to develop a properly worded simple English sentence first.

Writing Feedback / How to Deal with Depression; Three bad influences [4]

邱晨 , I am not sure what the purpose of your paper is because you did not post your full research for our review. So I can't comment on the content of your essay, but I can comment on the presentation. It has several problems that mar and otherwise promising research paper. The first problem with the essay is your tense usage. You need to be consistent. Since you opened the statement with a reference to past years, then the succeeding information presentation must follow the same time frame reference. Next, you need to work on your sentence development skills. Your sentences are improperly developed and has obvious problems in reference to past, present, and future action references. If you use an online free grammar checker, these problems can be spotted and immediately corrected. If you use Word 2016 to write your paper, those mistakes would be automatically corrected as well. Basically, this paper has potential in terms of being informative and helpful. The problem is that the reader will have a hard time understanding what you have to say because of the errors in sentence and thought presentation. As I said before, these problems can be easily resolved using the proper apps.

Graduate / KGSP study plan; There is a problem in my country I would like to help fix [2]

Tracy, your first 2 paragraphs are irrelevant to the prompt. The presentation of the problem with the mindset of the NIgerians needs to be incorporated in the goal of study thesis presentation. It should not be at the very top of the essay as if you are writing a personal statement. This is a professional paper so act accordingly. Open with the required elements and work in the minor presentations into the paragraphs. You could easily work in the mindset problem as a sentence or two towards the end of the goal of study presentation or at the beginning, as the topic sentence for the paragraph.

Your first year in Korea will be spent learning Hangul unless you have already taken and passed the TOPIK test. Start your discussion from the second year of your attending masters studies in Korea instead. Assume that you have passed the language requirements and pick up from there.

For your plans after study, be more specific in your presentation, where and how do you plan to work in Korea? What benefits might Koreans gain from your thesis project and how can it be implemented to help better the Korean society? Think of Korea first, your home country second. Speaking of which, your plans upon your return to your country are also vague. What government agency do you hope to work in to help change the mindset of Nigerians? What agencies do you hope to work with in the hopes of implementing your plans? How can your Korean connections possibly help you accomplish these professional goals?

Undergraduate / Personal statement Application for Physiotherapy - an achievement or lesson lerned [2]

Vikhram, simply getting an invitation to join this society is not an academic achievement. An academic achievement is either an exceptional performance in a class or recognition worthy internship in relation to your chosen major. Neither of your stories relate to an academic or professional achievement therefore, you have not properly represented a response to the prompt. When you think of an academic achievement, you must think of a time when you out-performed your peers so that you gained the attention of your teacher or the principal of the school. This has to be grade related in accomplishment and not a mere invitation to join an honor society because you are not the only student from your school who received that invitation. That does not make you remarkable, that makes you ordinary in a sea of seemingly remarkable students. You are all ordinary students in that society, but you are the best of the ordinary. An internship is not a professional related experience because that is still related to academic training. You need something stronger to present. From what I read, this is also an "ordinary" participation. Nothing noteworthy about it. As for your future plans, it is weak, without a sense of direction and merely responding to the prompt for the sake of responding to it. There is no career growth plan being presented to justify how you will be an exemplary professional in this field within say 3-5 years.

Letters / Cover Letter : IT University of Copenhagen [3]

Diwakar, the purpose of a cover letter is to provide a summary of the content of the various essays that you have submitted along with your application packet. That means, you are not supposed to write a narrative essay as you did in this letter. What you did was write a statement of purpose rather than a cover letter. The cover letter should only be used to immediately call the attention of the reviewer to your strongest points as indicated in the other parts of the essays. This is the outline of the most important character traits, student abilities, awards, and motivation for your college degree. It is a summation of all the essays that you wrote. The summation will be used by the reviewer to look for evidence of your claims within your documents and expanded discussions within the relevant essay prompts. Therefore, your cover letter should be revised to indicate the points I have enumerated here. In its current form, the letter does not help to increase the interest of the reviewer in your application because it does not tell him immediately to look for your stand out points in the essays.

Book Reports / Why did the author choose to tell this story? Decide if the story could really happen [2]

Warisha, I know that you said I don't really need to read the story in order to review your work. I decided to read it anyway so that I could really get into the nitty gritty of your work and whether or not your point of view is coming from the side of logic and based on the events as it unfolded in the story. I can see that you took the time to review the short story and you analyzed its possible application in the modern world. I have to admit, I have not read such a good story analysis at this forum in a very long time. Your work is an exception. You have chosen proper justifications from within the story itself and you have shown that you understand the basis of the story, what makes it good and what makes it bad. You acknowledge the effectiveness of the story with regards to its approach to a problem. However, you failed to see that the government already controls the activities of the people because they can suspend or strip a person of the license whenever applicable. I think that is a small piece of information analysis that you overlooked but it doesn't affect your overall presentation. I believe you did a very good job with this review and analysis essay. I am confident you will get a good grade for this sort of work.