Undergraduate / Ugrad DIVE in different culture [2]

taqwa , your essay has good intentions but is really so difficult to read that half the time, what you wrote doesn't make sense. I am specifically concerned about your opening statement because it sounds like a very bad translation software did the English writing. The whole paragraph needs to be revised by a professional since it is obvious that you do not have enough English vocabulary to use the correct word for what you mean. When you do not use the correct word, you end up with a sentence that does not properly inform the reviewer and instead, leaves him in a state of confusion and wonder as to what you were actually trying to say. If you are transliterating, meaning you are thinking in your native tongue then translating it in the most obvious manner instead of the academic manner, then that will explain why you came up with this very badly developed and written essay.

By the way, this is first and foremost, an academic essay. So the use of slang English words is frowned upon. With that said, the term "wanna" should instead be, "I want to". Writing a formal essay using slang English words is a sign of total disrespect for the reviewer and will be frowned upon. You need to use a program such as Grammarly in order to try and improve the English presentation and punctuation problems that prevent this essay from becoming a useful piece of writing for your application.

I can sense that you have the potential to be a good candidate for this program. The problem is, you cannot express yourself properly in English. Perhaps you can have a friend of yours who is fluent in English help you write this essay. You need to make sure that you express all your thoughts cohesively and coherently in every paragraph. You have not done that at all in this essay for now.

Perhaps it would be best if you try to write a less ambitious essay. One that uses simple English sentences to express yourself. You don't need to be dramatic in the presentation anyway. You just need to be understood. So if you can write more understandable simple English sentences, then you will probably be able to come up with a usable and informative essay.

Undergraduate / Proving that I will be a succesful student at Johns Hopkins University [3]

Danny, as far as I am concerned, this is one of the more exemplary John Hopkins supplemental essays that I have reviewed at this forum. You have managed to deliver the necessities of the prompt on all points. From the type of activity, the participants, your individual contributions, the group dynamic, everything about this essay just falls into place perfectly. I would not change anything about the content. As far as I am concerned, this is a more than satisfactory essay that is almost ready for submission. I said almost ready because the last paragraph of the essay needs to be reworded in order to be more relevant to the discussion. Saying that "we grew as a person" is incorrect because of the plural word rules. "We" signifies many and should therefore be represented by the collective word "people" instead of "person". The proper reference would be either "We grew as individuals" or "We grew as people" but not "We grew as a person". If I may, I'd like you to add a personal touch to the end of the essay by referencing something personal that you learned so that you can say that "I learned" in opposition to what you learned as a group. The individual lessons that you picked up from the activity are far more important, interesting, and informative for the reviewer to learn about. After all, this essay is all about the "I" in the group dynamic lessons rather than the "we".

Undergraduate / A little bit about myself. UGRAD application [2]

Павел, you must never toot your own horn when you write an application essay describing why you might be a good candidate for the program. Never say that "I would make a good candidate because". That is just so wrong in so many ways. The first reason why that is wrong is because you have absolutely no idea what the main criterion for judging the candidates are. Only the people screening the applicants within the program know that. Therefore, you should not be making boastful assumptions that could make you appear to be over confident in the eyes of the reviewer. Be humble. Speak of what you can bring to the program in terms of diversity, cultural exchange, and improved international relations instead. Describe how this program can help you with cross promotion. You can promote a better understanding your country and the culture you come from, while you can go home at the end and represent the United States in a clearer manner in your country as well. The information about your theater participation is irrelevant to your application. It doesn't show how you can help to enhance the UGrad program so you can omit that presentation. Your academic goals are sound. Your mention of wishing to introduce the real America to Russia is interesting and should gain the interest of the reviewer. The presentation you made is relevant to today's time and can help to increase the validity of your qualifications. I would leave out that very short closing statement though. It made the essay you wrote feel like an IELTS Task 2 essay instead of an academic application essay.

Undergraduate / Just for fun at the beginning. Rice University Supplemental Essay. Am I being too honest? [4]

Stefany, the main focus of your interest, the beautiful campus, is what makes this a very weak essay. Sure you can mention that you first learned about this university in the 10th grade. That's a great starting point. You have to discuss something other than the rankings and the campus presentation though. Talk about the academic side of your interest as the strongest motivating factor for your application. You could modify the essay to take on a more serious tone by saying that you first heard about Rice University in the 10th grade during a talk that your teacher gave regarding Engineering schools. Talk about how you were motivated to learn more about the school because its curriculum objectives for future Engineers aligned exactly with your own interests. Make sure that you show a "fit" between the two of you in an academic manner. Don't make the response so lighthearted that it focuses mostly on the presentation of the campus, the ranking, and then a generic remark about how the STEM program of the school is impressive. What is it about the STEM program that attracted you the most? Indicate that as the strongest factor in your motivation to apply for admission to Rice. Yes, you will need to write a totally new essay for this response because simply trying to adjust what you have now will not improve the quality of your response.

Undergraduate / We make our happy endings [2]

Abdelrhman, there is too much collective discussion in this essay. Refrain from using the term "we" and go with first person pronouns instead. By that, I mean me, myself, and I, in reference to the lessons you learned by collaborating with your fellow students on this particular project. Discuss your role in particular in the completion of the project. What did you find easy about the project? What difficulties did you face on an individual basis? How did you react to these difficulties? If you sought the help of your team mates, explain how you did it and what the outcome of the collaboration was. It is important to highlight your time collaborating with your peers and mentors. The idea behind this prompt is to have you explain how you exercise team work. The interview is all about learning how you function in a pressure cooker setting and how you utilize the help of your teammates in such a situation. How do you motivate each other to achieve success? Since this was a very successful project, I bet that you have a lot of stories to share about that. You don't have to detail how the judging went by the way. It is enough for you to just mention that your team won the competition. That story, the way that you are telling now, takes the attention of the reviewer away from the original prompt requirements. So it would be best to revise that part so that you can keep the focus on track with the prompt requirements. Clarify the presentation. Make sure that you explain what sort of test this is. If it was a test, why was it something like a competition? Maybe you can present a situation that is less complicated to explain and analyze for the reviewer? It doesn't need to be complex, it just needs to supply the prompt requirements in the best manner possible, which doesn't waste the time of the reviewer with constant re-reads just so he can figure out what exactly was going on and what your participation may have been. Your participation needs to stand out in the essay throughout the narrative.

Writing Feedback / Explain some of the difficulties of living in a city. How can governments make urban life better? [3]

Amin, the overall score for this essay will not be higher than a 5 because of a number of shortcomings in your presentation. The first, is that your opening paraphrase is complete in terms of the thought process and idea presentation. The problem is that you did not accurately develop the sentences in a manner that would have allowed the reader to understand what you were trying to say during the first pass reading. The sentence structure needs work in terms of presenting coherent sentences using appropriate vocabulary.

Rather than discussing two ideas per paragraph, it would be better if you opted to pick your strongest discussion point, in terms of reasons, supporting data, and relevant examples. The second paragraph would have been effectively presented if you decided to discuss the situation in Tehran instead of the economic problem then the air pollution. Or, you could have discussed the tough financial situation that comes with living in an urbanized setting with relevant examples instead. Both could have worked well, provided you focused on developing only one discussion point for the paragraph.

The same problem exists in your third paragraph, you needed to choose only one solution as it applies to the situation you presented earlier. That way you could have presented a fully developed solution instead of the current "implied" and little developed solutions to the problem.

The essay lacks a 3rd paragraph in the body section which would have helped to effectively strengthen your discussion. You could have placed the second solution in this section, provided it remained relevant to the problem you presented in the previous paragraphs.

Your concluding paragraph needs to be better developed by presenting a summary of the solutions you provided. That way you would have properly summarized the discussion that you presented in the essay. By accomplishing these tasks in the essay, you will be able to increase your scoring potential in the end. Remember, 5 paragraphs will help you to increase your score and also increase all your scoring considerations across all the criteria.

Undergraduate / Application to Waterloo - AIF; Admission Information Form [3]

Rutwik , have you ever heard of the expression of "your talking a lot but not saying anything." ? That is what you did in this essay. You used the word count in a manner that did not really help you respond to the essay. Let me see if I can direct your essay in a manner that properly responds to the prompt requirements:

Briefly explain why you are interested in engineering and particularly in the program to which you have applied.
- The sheer joy of creating and the pleasure of making things that are useful to others is what interests me in engineering.

interests and abilities;
- no actual response. You are speaking of activities that you enjoy learning but you are not saying that you are proficient in these activities, which is what the essay requires as a response.

your career goals;
- no response. You need to develop one.

exposure to engineering through school-related and other experiences;
- You will do well to think of any academic exposure that you had in this field and present it. You don't have one at the moment.

discussions you have had with engineers, teachers, current or past Waterloo students.
- Who was this software engineer? What was he working on? Why were you inspired by him? What words of wisdom did he share with you that influenced your decision to become an engineer?

Respond to each requirements with a single sentence that carries a specific response that is represented in a strong manner. When the prompt says "for example", that means your essay will be helped if you represent responses to the listed requirements. That is an indirect way of telling you that you should supply these information to the reviewer because that is what will be considered along with your application.

Graduate / Do I really want to be a doctor? Draft Personal Statement for Med. School [2]

Supreeth , this essay is tremendously long and it tends to get boring because of the way that you have presented it. A word of advice, When you are asked why you want to become a doctor, you should work on showing the development of that interest throughout the essay. Skip the negatives such as your poor performance one semester and your self doubt. Instead, show a sense of conviction in the belief that you have the potential to become the best doctor based upon the events that led up to that realization in your life. That means, you should develop the following discussions:

1. The influence of your parents as medical practitioners.

2. Why you took the EMT course, explaining that you had to drop out because of Strep but nothing more. There is no need to say that was your worst semester. That is irrelevant to the question posed

3. How you ended up shadowing this doctor and how it inspired you to pursue Medicine as a major.

4. Summarize the story of the pregnant patient. Focus the discussion on what you learned from the doctor instead of explaining what the doctor did. That paragraph became all about the doctor and it took the focus away from you, which is bad for the essay. This is not about the abilities of the doctor, this is about he inspired you at that moment in time.

5. Based on all the information, you should be able to come up with a concluding paragraph that highlights your personal reason for want to become a doctor. It should be a reason that combines all of the factors in the essay. You could have multiple reasons presented, or a single concise reason for wanting to become a doctor.

Undergraduate / Event or experience that helped you define one of your values or changed how you approach the world [3]

Albert, The latter half of your essay where you discuss having read Inferno and then getting hit by a sledgehammer is perfect for the quote. You should work on developing that aspect by taking parts of the quote and relating these to your life. I don't particularly see a connection between your dual citizenship, your interest in aeronautics as a child, and the way Inferno created an impact in your life today. Since the first part of the essay is irrelevant to the quote, that is, as far as I am concerned, you can remove that total section and instead, focus on developing the quote as it relates to the activities that you performed and achieved in the last half of the current essay. I suggest you relate it to how it helped to shape or change your view of the world. You can use the connection between the Chinese and American cultures if you wish. In the discussion, you can talk about how you fear losing one identity in lieu of the other because of the opportunities it affords you. Or you can discuss how you are desperately trying to keep both sides of your culture relevant in your life but, as Dante said; "the traces of his memory fade from time like smoke in air, or ripples on a stream." The connection of each part of the quote to your life is important. It is imperative that clear connections are made so that your values and/or change in world view will be clear and evident to the reader.

Writing Feedback / Talented people are better off working overseas IELTS writing task 2 [4]

Peter, the first mistake in your essay is that you opened the paraphrase with an opinion statement rather than a simple retelling of the original prompt. As such, you have displayed that you unable to follow the proper format for the opening paraphrase. The format being one of a simple restatement of the topic for discussion, information regarding the discussion, and a restatement of the discussion instruction. The most basic rule for the opening statement is this:

No discussion of actual information can be presented in the opening paraphrase because of the required information in that section. There is no space to accurately explain the data you will be presenting because there is a 5 sentence maximum per paragraph, including the opening paraphrase. These sentences should represent a prompt restatement and not a discussion of the prompt thesis.

Therefore you can expect to lose major scoring points in the TA section of the essay, which is 50% of your actual score. As for your statement thesis, since this is not an "extent" essay, you went overboard by stating a "strong" agreement when a simple agreement was all that was required in the presentation as per the original prompt instructions. You must learn the difference between the different discussion requirements of the Task 2 essays. Always deliver the type of discussion required. Do not exaggerate, do not change the prompt either. Just stick to the basic instructions provided.

Always aim to write a 5 paragraph essay as the Task 2 essays always fall under that requirement. Only the Task 1 essay can gain you an effective score with only 4 paragraphs. Task 2 has specific paragraph discussion requirements of one opening paraphrase, 3 body of discussions / reasons / opinion (with examples), and one concluding summary. 5 paragraphs with 20 sentences in total (5 sentences per paragraph). You under developed all of your discussions in the process of presenting only 4 paragraphs. In fact, I found most of your paragraphs confusing and difficult to follow. That is because you did not clarify the opinion you will be discussing and why you will be discussing in the body paragraphs as part of the thesis statement. A more appropriate format for the body of discussions would have been as follows:

Paragraph 2 : Why you agree that people leave the country to work overseas
Paragraph 3: Why you agree that this is just a natural process
Paragraph 4: An expanded discussion of the experience of your friend

By separating the topics for discussion as stated in the outline, you will be able to fully explain yourself (in paragraph form), represent all of the required discussion elements, and also showcase your ability to write coherently and cohesively in English. Right now, the essay is just a tad bit confusing to read for a native speaker such as I.

Graduate / My Personal statement to study MSc at Brunel University London [3]

Hiwot, you have a 10000 word maximum on this essay. You have written less than 500 words. The briefness of your statement response tells me that this is not an effective representation of the required discussion. An effective discussion would be at least 750 -800 words long, at a minimum. You have plenty of room to expand all of your discussions and also, to develop more relevant responses in the weak areas of the essay.

Let me be clear, your opening statement is irrelevant. There is no prompt question asking for the current situation of third world studies in this field. Therefore, you are wasting your time presenting that discussion. This essay should instead open with the reason that you chose to study at Brunel University. Believe it or not, you did not respond to that question. No, explaining about the situation of third world education and the lack of equipment does not respond to the question. A proper answer would indicate information based upon research of your chosen course for study and the programs the university offers. That comes in at paragraph 2, but in a minimally developed manner.

Your opening paragraph should indicate something like:

Coming from a country that has limited academic possibilities, I desired to attend higher studies overseas, at a university that has similar course requirements and objectives as my previous university. I came across Brundel university during this search and found a number of similarities between my previous academic background, my current work experience, and my career objectives....

Then a more detailed discussion should progress from there. Your discussion in this aspect will respond to prompts one and two of the aforementioned discussion listing. As for the third part about your future plans. You first have to introduce the fact that you have medical record keeping exposure that has shown you the limitations of this type of method and then you can present your future career projects and goals. You have more than enough word count to accurately respond to the essay prompts. Don't be afraid to use up the full 1000 allowance if you have to. Remember, this is your interview, so make every written statement that you make count towards your consideration for admission.

Graduate / Statement of Intent for Masters in Global Health [5]

Nahla , the first half of your document is actually part of a personal statement. I am not sure why you included that information because this is a statement that came with a specific prompt requirement from the university. You were given two specific topics to discuss which were:

1. The reason you think you require training in Global Health via this masters degree
2. Why you chose this specific university

The essay you should be writing must highlight how this particular masters degree will help you further advance your career as a dietician. This is not an essay about the what might have been and personal realizations. This is a discussion about how you have developed your career and how the Global Health aspect of patient care fits into it. While I can see why you feel that you need to include a backstory in the essay, it is actually unnecessary for you to do so. In fact, the best part of this essay, that should become the opening salvo of your revised essay is the following:

I am essentially drawn to the Global Health (GH) program... onwards. This is a character count specific essay so you should not waste your time creating an unwanted backstory. Respond directly to the prompt requirements and end the essay. By creating a backstory, you risk running out of space on the screen. In all similar situations, it is always best to be direct to the point.

Your motivation for further study in this field and the reasons why you chose this university comprise your motivation, which is essentially, what this essay is all about. Therefore, you must focus on developing those discussion in relation to the prompt requirements and nothing more. You were right not to repeat the information in your CV in this essay, that isn't needed either. Develop a strong presentation of your motivational reasons, without falling back on your failed dreams. Focus on the here and now, as well as the future of your career instead.

Writing Feedback / IELTS 2- Some people think that Twitter, Facebook and similar sites have a big negative impact [4]

bobbie, your essay falls short of the required elements of an effective IELTS Task 2 essay. This is always a 5 paragraph essay composed of the following representations:

1. Opening paraphrase
2. Reason 1 with supporting example
3. Reason 2 with supporting example
4. Reasons 3 or personal opinion (whichever is required by the discussion instruction)
5. Concluding summary

All of these essays are composed of a minimum of 3 sentences, maximum of 5 sentences. Each paragraph must contain only one fully developed explanation. That is why you have 3 body paragraphs with which to discuss your reasons and opinions. Do not go over 5 sentences with 1 topic per paragraph because that will result in an incoherent and non-cohesive paragraph presentation which will definitely lower your score.

Going back to the opening paraphrase. You must familiarize yourself with the way this is written as well. You need to rephrase the original prompt in your own words with a thesis sentence that responds to the discussion instruction. In this essay, the discussion instruction is for an "emotional" essay so a simple agreement is not the type of response you should be giving. The "emotional" essay relies on a degree of agreement or disagreement represented by the terms fully, partially, strongly, completely, and other similar terms.

By the way, please do not post a short cut version of the prompt requirements when you post your next essay. I need the complete prompt for the review of your opening statement. In this instance, I can tell you that, even with the incomplete prompt, your presentation will get an extremely low task accuracy score because you began discussing the essay in the opening statement, which is a no-no in a Task 2 essay due to discussion development issues. The opening paraphrase is exactly that. Do not try to discuss an opinion there because of the limited sentence count. A more appropriate representation is :

There is a growing negative belief regarding the impact of social networking sites on the common public these days. It is said that these virtual places have an unfavorable influence upon society. I am in strong disagreement with that statement and I will explain the reasons I oppose this statement below.

In the opening paraphrase, you need to explain the original prompt content and discussion instruction in your own words, using enough original words to help boost your LR score immediately. If you do not do a good job in the TA section, you will find it difficult to pull up your scores in the other sections. Specially when you do not follow the proper discussion development format.

Undergraduate / What is one of your quirks? [2]

Jess , what you describe is not a quirk but an advocacy. A quirk is peculiar trait such as , in the case of food, loving a particular food to the point of being obsessed by it. For example, you are a person who eats something people would otherwise strange such as pickles and orange juice twice a week. Or, only being able to wear spandex even though you aren't allergic to other materials. A quirk is something that makes you a unique person. It is something that you do which other people may think strange in a certain manner. Deciding not to eat pork because you learned a lesson at the farm does not qualify this as a quirk. Being a vegetarian or vegan is a lifestyle choice based upon an advocacy. It is not something strange because people understand the personal and social factors behind that decision. Maybe you have something else that you can use a quirk based upon my examples above? It has to be something that tells the reviewer something about you that is a fun fact that helps me to understand the kind of fun loving person you can be outside of the classroom. Your response in this section could very well help introduce something unique about yourself that you may not have had a chance to present in the other common app essays. Don't waste it on such a common topic as "I don't eat pork". That is extremely common and no longer considered a quirk by society.

Undergraduate / Personal essey: Apply for New York University in Shanghai [2]

XIN YI, essay that you wrote is not appropriate for the prompt that you chose. This is better suited for the open topic discussion that is offered as an alternative in the common app prompts. A word of advice though, don't bore the reviewer by discussing that you asked your family to describe you, that belongs to a different prompt altogether. Neither should you bore the reviewer with stories of your childhood fascinations. That is irrelevant to who you are today and does not tell him anything of value in relation to how you view yourself as a person today based upon your background, identity, or interest. That is why I am suggesting that you use the open topic prompt for this instead. I do not really get a sense of importance in relation to the various scenarios that you discussed. How do these situations relate to your chosen major? There doesn't seem to be a common denominator between the two.

Truth be told, this essay has no point. It doesn't have a direction, a clear topic for discussion, nor an idea that tells the reviewer anything of interest about you except that you like to experiment and ask questions. Which doesn't really serve a purpose when you are doing an oral interview about how you view yourself in relation to your background, identity, or interests. Even as an open topic essay, the presentation doesn't really work unless you provide your own prompt or topic title in order to help the reader understand what it is you are trying to discuss with this piece of writing.

Perhaps you would consider writing a new essay for this prompt? Or maybe, you can shorten this presentation by first deciding what it is that you want this essay to say about you. That way you can delete the irrelevant portions and create a proper prompt or thesis statement, maybe even use a relevant title that can help you make this essay more interesting and relevant to your college application.

Writing Feedback / [IELTS ESSAY TASK2] THE GROWING NUMBER OF OVERWEIGHT PEOPLE PUTTING A STRAIN ON THE HEALTH CARE... [2]

tuvi, your essay will receive a failing score in an actual test based on the prompt deviation that you created. This being an extent essay required you to represent your opinion in the essay based on a strength of conviction or belief in a particular side of the discussion. Words such as totally, fully, partially, completely, minimally, largely, and other descriptive emotional responses can be used to respond properly to the prompt. The proper presentation for this opening paraphrase that would have helped you to create a passing TA presentation is as follows:

As the heavy set people continue to put pressure on the health care programs of the world, it is becoming increasingly difficult to to solve the health situation. One way of dealing with this problem, according to some, is to make sure that the proper physical education is taught in schools. I strongly agree with this idea due to a number of reasons.

Note that at the end of this statement, I clearly responded to the prompt requirement regarding the extent of my agreement or disagreement with the given statement. Your mistake was:

Original Discussion Instruction: To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Your Discussion: it cannot be viewed as the ultimate approach for mankind to combat obesity and alleviate the pressure put on healthcare systems.

As you can see, your opening paraphrase did not accurately represent nor respond to the prompt. Which is why you ended up discussing something other than the original discussion topic provided. That is why your essay cannot pass this test.

Undergraduate / NUS personal statement about my experience joining Physics Olympiad [4]

Johanes, an honorable mention is not achievement that will impress the reviewer. Unless you actually won the competition, simply getting a participation recognition, which is what an honorable mention is, does not serve any purpose in your application. Neither did you link it to your chosen major as the prompt requires. Therefore, you cannot use this statement for this prompt. You need to pick an accomplishment. If I were you, I would elaborate instead on how I was chosen to join the training camp for the IPHO. That is a notable achievement in itself that you can relate to your chosen major. Discuss how your interest in the course was developed through the influence of the better students in the subject who attended the camp along with you. Do not go overboard by telling the whole story that ends with an honorable mention. You should close the essay at its strongest point by allowing yourself to convince the reviewer that you reached the pinnacle of success ( as far as you are concerned) that further made you determined to pursue a college degree in this field.

Undergraduate / I am still experience failures and I am happy with that. [4]

Man, this essay doesn't portray a single obstacle, setback, or failure in your life. Rather these are a series of events that, in your mind, constitute some sort of personal growth and understanding. Therefore, you should not use the current prompt for this essay. You can use one of the two essays below for this essay:

Discuss an accomplishment, event, or realization that sparked a period of personal growth and a new understanding of yourself or others.
or
Share an essay on any topic of your choice. It can be one you've already written, one that responds to a different prompt, or one of your own design.

Personally, I think that this essay showcases the period of personal growth based on your failures, which makes it the better prompt for this essay. If you notice, you are speaking of various points in your educational life where you came to understand more about yourself and how you succeed and fail. This indicates a period of personal growth and understanding of yourself. If you don't feel comfortable with that prompt, then you should use the open prompt essay by creating your own prompt to suit the essay that you wrote.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL Independent Essay Sample ( The influence of information's availability in today's world ) [3]

Majd , your opening statement thesis is a cut and paste of the original prompt. That will result in a lower scoring consideration for you because, while you did show that you understood the topic for discussion, you do not have the English vocabulary skills that will allow you to restate the thesis in your own words. This will result in a lower scoring consideration for your discussion requirement. Let me show you how this should have been presented in your paper:

The internet has redefined the way people across the world access information. The fact that data is now readily available for anyone who needs it is believed to have allowed the internet to have more significance in the way people go about their daily business. I believe that the internet has become more important in our everyday lives because it helps people make informed decisions regarding important decisions they make on a daily basis.

You have to give a direct response to the question you were given because that will form the thesis statement of your essay. You do not need to restate the question because that does not really lay the foundation for your response explanation throughout the essay. By the way, have a constant minimum of 3 sentences per paragraph so that you can explain yourself in a more coherent manner. Your second paragraph doesn't really help your essay move forward because the discussion is too short for the presentation.

Don't forget that you need to use transition sentences between the paragraphs in order to keep the connection of each paragraph discussion connected to your previous presentation. You don't offer that in this essay which is why the discussion seems highly abrupt, and not very cohesive although it is coherent to a certain extent. Your concluding statement does not reflect the correct discussion as originally presented. So your concluding statement created a prompt deviation. All of these mistakes can add up to result in a failing score or a barely passing presentation. It all depends upon the more minute requirements of the examiner when it comes to scoring considerations.

Scholarship / How I am prepared to participate in this UGRAD program? [2]

Ahmad, the reviewer will not believe any claims that you made about "ever since I was a little kid". You have not lived a full life yet with which to make such boastful claims in your presentation. That is the sort of presentation used by our grandparents and parents. It is not used by young adults in their essay presentations. By the way, under no circumstance should you use caps lock when writing anything in your essay. That is considered disrespectful of you as a writer and creates a non-academic paper. this essay is academic in nature and therefore, must follow formal writing guidelines.

Your essay should focus on reasons that will help build your image as a an asset to the diverse community that the UGrad program develops with each batch of participants. You should discuss your strong personality traits in this so that you can highlight how you will be an asset to the program. In particular, I believe you should focus on your animated personality as it applies to the way that you can be friendly and help to develop cooperation and friendship between people of varying nationalities who are participating in the program.

Discuss how you are academically inclined, without mentioning failure. Just indicate how you look forward to interacting with like minded individuals and having an exchange of ideas either in an academic or cultural context. These are some of the objectives of the UGrad program that, if you embody, will tend to remain with the reviewer during the consideration rounds.

One thing you should definitely highlight in the essay is your semester abroad in Germany. This is something that will show how prepared you are to participate in this program and that you are capable of performing well as a participant based upon your previous experience as a foreign student in Germany for a semester.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 2: Governments spending on promoting public health [3]

Matthew, the score for this essay is a 3. The main reason why this essay failed overall is because you did not discuss the required topic in the body of the essay. You created your own prompt question and decided to answer that. I would like you to consider the following outline in order to figure out where your mistake lies:

Discussion Instruction: To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Your Discussion: ... financial investments in promoting a healthy lifestyle can be viewed as an ultimate approach.

When you separate the two discussion methods as presented in the original prompt and the opening paraphrase that you created, it is easy to see why the essay you wrote will not pass the test. Rather than discussing an extent essay, you chose to discuss methods by which a healthy lifestyle can be promoted instead. Nothing about your opening paraphrase falls under the expected discussion requirements. The topic you chose to discuss is not even part of the original prompt. Therefore, the essay cannot pass the test. It will be useless for me to point out the errors in the other sections of your essay because it makes no difference in the final outcome of your score. This essay is a failure and will not pass the main scoring considerations.

Graduate / Motivation letter Master accounting and finance [2]

Sarah, please do not refer to "From an early age" in the essay. All admissions officers, be it in college or for a masters degree, frown upon such exaggeration and as such, tend to disregard essays and letters that over exaggerate a point of view. This does not convince the reviewer of anything except that you are trying too hard to impress him. In fact, there is nothing in this letter that would qualify it as a motivation letter. That is why you will have to write a new letter that better addresses your goals for immediately pursuing advanced studies even though you have not completed your undergraduate studies yet. You must write a new letter that focuses on your professional goals and ambitions. Tell the reviewer what your career motivation is. What are your immediate career plans? What motivated your desire to study at this university? Your reference to an international education can apply to any university in the world. What you need is to pick one clear motivation, say the training programs the university offers, and use that as a motivation in accordance with your career goals and ambitions. Don't go overboard though. Keep the presentation short and within 5 paragraphs only. Save the expanded discussions for the personal statements and the statement of purpose. The motivation letter is just a summary of that information.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Essay: Influence of parents to boys and girls [4]

Ann, this essay has a number of problems that will affect its ability to get a proper passing score in an actual test setting. The major problem of the essay lies in the irregular sentence number per paragraph. There is a maximum 5 sentence requirement per paragraph. You have paragraphs that number 6 sentences which means points will be deducted in the consider of your TA score. You also have run-on sentence presentations throughout the essay. This creates 2 sentences in a number of paragraphs instead of the minimum 3 sentences. Yes, points will again be deducted for that error. Always aim to have 3-5 sentences per paragraph in order to fall within the TA scoring considerations.

A properly formatted sentence and paragraph will also help you create a proper simple and complex sentence structure for the GRA scoring considerations. Keeping the sentences and paragraphs of the appropriate lengths may also help you create a more coherent and cohesive paragraph presentation since you will be focusing your discussion on a single, complete idea per paragraph.

Be aware of the words you are typing. Always proofread and edit your paper for possible mistakes in sentence presentation, vocabulary use, and spelling. In your conclusion, you said "gen" when you meant to say "gender". While "gen" may be slang term in your country, an academic essay test requires you to use academic and formal language at all times. Your presentation is strong in terms of reasoning, but has a number of problems that weaken that impression as indicated above.

Writing Feedback / Prohibit the fast food industry from advertisement? Opinion essay. [6]

SG, you will not be allowed to do research in the testing center. The IELTS and TOEFL essay tests are based upon public opinion and personal experience or knowledge. Researched information is not allowed because you do not have the time to do that during the allotted time and the testing center computers bars internet access for test takers. The computers are on LAN lockdown. Additionally, if you add a question in the opening statement that is not part of the original prompt, you will create a prompt deviation because you will feel compelled to respond to your question and focus on responding to that instead of responding to the original prompt. That will result in an automatic failure of your essay test discussion.

With that cleared up, you have successfully produced an opening statement that falls within all the TA scoring considerations. I would ask you though to no longer repeat the statement "In my opinion" and instead just give a straightforward response such as "I do not advocate". That phrase is clearly a personal opinion and shows a varied use of English vocabulary and a different take on the same sentence structure and presentation. Since this is not a direct response essay, you did well to indicate that the reasons will be discussed in the succeeding paragraphs.

However, you did not fully utilize the body of paragraphs in discussing your opinion. While this is clearly a well thought out 4 paragraph essay, the inclusion of another paragraph would have pushed your essay towards a higher scoring consideration. In this instance, the more appropriate format would be:

Paraphrase
Body 1 - Reason 1
Body 2 - Reason 2
Body 3 - Collective example for both reasons
Concluding statement

By the way, you have to make sure that you use the correct terms in your essay, otherwise, you will lose points in the LR section. Your mistake is as follows:

allowance - a share or portion allotted or granted; a fixed or available amount
allow - to assign as a share or suitable amount (as of time or money)

The term you wanted to use was "allow" and not "allowance" as you are speaking of a soon to be or potentially assigned share of advertising in this instance. The "allowance" is not yet available as of the time the prompt was assigned for writing in this essay.

Writing Feedback / Men or women for higher-level positions? IELTS writing task 2 [2]

Peter, your opening paraphrase is not sufficient enough. You are still using too much of the original wording in your restatement. That makes it a very weak paraphrase. A strong paraphrase does not use any words from the original in its presentation. This proves an extensive English vocabulary list on your part, which allows you to bring up a representation of the original prompt based upon your own understanding, sans any support from the original. A better paraphrase for this essay would have been:

Male employees are given preference in terms of filling important positions in a corporation. This is an evident reality that does not consider that more than half the working population in a given workplace is represented by female workers. This is the reason why I strongly agree with the opinion that companies and offices should be mandated to hire a certain percentage of women for various positions in the workplace.

A strong paraphrase is totally different in presentation, but contains the actual focus of the original prompt in its presentation. Once you can effectively use synonyms in your presentations, you will be able to aim for a higher score in the TA section. The example above should serve as a perfect example of this can be achieved.

You are fond of using the word "therefore" in the essay even when it is out of place, such as in the following presentation:

The perception of most companies about women has, therefore, worsened,

A more appropriate presentation if this sentence is:

This perception has worsened the status of women in the workplace.

You also did not use the term correctly in the this section:

Companies will, therefore, not promote women to higher-level positions such as management.

Only one comma is required, placed after the word "therefore". That creates a proper connection, as a connecting word, between the first and second ideas you are presenting.

You have a problem with plural forms. When you said that Tracy was one of your friend, the insinuation that she is one of many, indicates the need to use the plural form of the word which is "friends". Be careful with your grammar and punctuation usage. You are specifically scored on those 2 elements and a low score in that section will pull down your general score.

The conclusion is acceptable and accurately sums up your discussion presentation. Good work in that aspect of the essay presentation. Overall, you did a pretty good job on this essay. The mistakes you made here can easily be avoided in the future provided you apply the lessons that you learned from the mistakes you made in the development of this discussion. Good job!

Undergraduate / Rice - heavily influenced by the unique life experiences and cultural traditions each student brings [2]

Jason, you misdirected the focus of the essay when you brought in the discussion of Arthur Ashe as a tennis player and influence in your life. He actually became the focal point of the discussion, which doesn't do you any good because it doesn't show a clear perspective, from your point of view that you can bring to Rice. I strongly urge you to remove the reference to Ashe in the essay and instead, discuss how being a Black tennis player has helped you develop a unique mindset, not about the sport, but about life in general and how you should deal with the world around you because of your unique identity. This is the most important aspect of this essay and this is what the reviewer wants to know about you. He doesn't care about Arthur Ashe, he cares about Jason Fellows. He wants to know about you and what makes you unique. More importantly, he needs to learn how your uniqueness can add to the diversity of the Rice student community. That is why you are being asked this question. You must revise the essay to reflect this information, without help coming from someone you idolize. That changes the discussion slant and lessens the impact of who you are and what you can bring to Rice as a member of the community.

Writing Feedback / [toefl] Automobile have made a greater impact on society than airplanes. [3]

WJK, I am not sure what you are trying to discuss here and what the talking points are because you forgot to include the original prompt for the reference in reviewing your essay. Please make sure to upload that next time. It appears though that you know how to properly format the opening statement of a TOEFL essay as you remembered to present the opening discussion in the form of the thesis statement at the end of your opening paragraph. If I knew what you were supposed to be discussing, I could offer a more solid review aside from what I observed above. For your reference though, don't go beyond 5 sentences per paragraph as that is the ruling for these writing exams. The idea is to show the reviewer that you can express yourself in a clear manner, using the minimum number of sentences possible. The minimum being 3 sentences, the maximum, being 5. Overall though, the essay reads solidly as an opinion paper. It makes sense and offers acceptable examples. I am just not sure if this is the kind of discussion that is expected of the original prompt requirement though.

Writing Feedback / IELTS writing task 2: Should we attend schools until we are at least 18? [3]

Wang, while you will not get a passing score in terms of the Task Accuracy requirements, your overall discussion of the essay requirements are right on the mark. The biggest problem that prevented you from getting the passing score is your misunderstanding of the prompt requirements. It is always best for you to recognize which part of the prompt is the discussion requirement. That is usually the last sentence of the original prompt and comes with an instruction regarding the opinion or opinions you should be presenting in the essay. In this case, you are being asked to present an extent essay. As such, an emotional response is required in your paraphrase. Let me show you an example of how that should be presented:

There are some entities that believe that the youth should pursue a complete education curriculum. The suggestion is that they pursue this course of study until they reach the legal age of 18. I am in full agreement with this statement for a number of reasons.

In outline form, the clue as to the proper discussion method and your response would be:

Discussion Instruction: To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Expected Response: I am in full agreement
Why: for a number of reasons.

If you look at the essay in this format, you will see that you are in total alignment with the expected discussion line, based on the original prompt. Sometimes, it is best to outline the original prompt in order to fully understand what sort of response you have to present:

1. Discussion Topic
2. Reason for discussion
3. Discussion style

If you break up the prompt in this manner, you should find it easier to rephrase the prompt and also, respond to it in a more accurate manner. Remember, a proper paraphrase almost assures you of a passing score in the Task 2 test. Once you foul up that section, you will find it difficult to pass the rest of the criteria even when your body paragraphs properly discuss the reasons that should have supported a proper opening paraphrase. Without the right paraphrase, the body of paragraphs don't stand a chance of scoring you higher than a tangential consideration. Specially when you do not offer a strong concluding summary statement and instead, offer a single sentence reference for your conclusion.

Undergraduate / Personal Essay _ College Application - lessons from challenges, setbacks or failures [2]

Seif , you need to create a more understandable essay. This essay doesn't really portray a proper setback, failure or challenge because of the way that the story jumps around from one situation to the next. Also, you won in the competitions. You may not have gotten the winning position you wanted but a win is still a win, regardless of position. What you have to understand is that this essay requires you to show a lesson learned. Something that is not really portrayed in this presentation. The reviewer needs to understand how you handle failure. Does a total failure, without winning any consolation prize, result in you becoming a more driven person, or does it turn you into a quitter? You have to choose a story that shows a point in your life when you failed miserably and thought you would never get over it. How did you use that failure to inspire you towards future success? That is what this prompt expects to learn about you. This prompt interviews you regarding your mindset when it comes to obstacles that can prevent you from succeeding in college. Try to think about your biggest failures as a high school student and discuss how you overcame that. It should work as a better response than what you have at the moment.

Writing Feedback / Can you help evaluate this essay" What is the future of higher education?" [3]

kayaD, try to improve the presentation of your thesis statement. At the moment, it appears that there are two unrelated topics poised for discussion in the essay. Before you present these questions, you should first give an overview of the economic situation of students and the political discussion behind it that creates the non-affordable scenario for college education. Presented in that manner, you will create an impressive and analytical opening presentation for your later thesis statements.

In order to create an authoritative essay, you need to cite at least 4 sources for this typed of presentation. Using only one source limits your discussion scenario and creates a bias essay. In order to portray an evenly researched and accurately informed discussion, various sources of information are required. The more your sources, covering various aspects relevant to the given discussions, the more convincing your presentation and discussion becomes. At the moment, the essay feels like it isn't ready to defend itself in a public forum for discussion because it uses information from only one source. It creates a weak presentation and little informed presentation.

Your second paragraph is strong but needs to be reversed in presentation so that the basis of the data comes before the data itself. Create a foundation before you inform the reader. So first, you have to discuss how difficult it is to complete a college education then, after that, present the percentages of graduates and drop outs.

As for the 3rd paragraph, you need to break it up into 2 more paragraphs. It is too long and difficult to follow. You should know where to cut the essay into another paragraph. I'll leave that decision up to you. By the way, don't start and sentence with the connecting word "Because". There is no prior thought consideration to connect so, based on academic writing rules, using the term at the start of the sentence is misplaced and not required.

Writing Feedback / Can you evaluate this essay about 'What Causes Video Game Addiction'? [2]

James, this essay is based upon unfounded assumptions. As an informative essay, it does provide information that relates to your chosen topic. The problem, is that the information lacks warranted examples and factual sources of information. There is a need for you to better develop the presentation based on facts. For example, when you say that video game companies make billions of dollars a year, you need to provide proof of that through the presentation of various game sales based on the hot titles of the year. That way, you prove your assumption in the essay. Now, when you say that video game players use this as a form of escapism, you need to cite professional sources to support that claim. Remember, an essay that provides information without sources, is a faulty essay. It is not capable of defending itself because of empty claims and lack of sources. If you want to make this essay stronger, cite professional and academic sources throughout the presentation. That is, provided that this is an essay for a formal English writing class and not just a practice essay for language development. If you are just using this essay topic for language development, then you did a pretty good job of presenting your case. It is convincing in a basic manner but not fully acceptable as an academic paper.

Undergraduate / WHY NYU COLLEGE SUPPLEMENT ESSAY (MAX 400) [2]

Vivian, your response has to be more focused. Right now, you are throwing in ideas that don't really relate or sound like they come straight out of the website of the university. In order to better focus the reason as to why you chose NYU, you should focus your response ont he main point of your essay. Your actual response to the question "Why NYU?" is directly responded to by your interest in the Core Curriculum of the university. Focus on how you are not quite sure what you want your major to be, but that among all the universities in NY, it appears to you that the Core Curriculum of NYU best suits your interests. That way that the core curriculum allows you discover which of your 2 interests is your true passion, which will help you decide upon your college major is the main reason that you choose to study at NYU. Develop that response throughout the essay and the response will be better suited to the prompt. Think of what your major interests are in terms of field of study, include an explanation of why you wish to pursue deeper knowledge in these fields based on the Core Curriculum and then indicate 2 possible majors that you are using from, both of which, should be offered as degree courses at the university. Those are the reasons why you chose to study at NYU.

Writing Feedback / IELTS writing task 2 - Discussion - Banning tourism to protect local culture [2]

Tam, it is unfortunate that, although your discussion of the topic is strong, you did not accurately represent the prompt parameters. Therefore, this essay went from a 2 opinion discussion with a personal insight discussion to solely a personal insight presentation. This runs counter to the original prompt discussion instructions and will therefore, result in a score of no more than 4 overall. The reason for this is that you only partially responded to the prompt requirements and misrepresented the prompt discussion in the opening paraphrase as well.

How did you misrepresent the discussion? Consider the discussion instructions that were provided when compared to your take on the same:

Original Instruction: Discuss both sides and give your opinion
Your Discussion Response: I believe that banning tourism in some specific places can be efficient rather than making any change.

Based on the outlined presentation, it should be clear to you that you did not discuss the prompt in accordance with the requirements which is why the essay will not garner a passing score even if you score an average passing grade for the remaining 3 criteria.

The proper discussion prompt paraphrase is:

There is a group of people who believe that native practices should be preserved which is why sight seeing travelers must be prevented from visiting some areas of a country. Others believe that cultural changes cannot be prevented so limiting tourist access to certain areas will not provide any rewards for the area. In this essay, I will present a discussion regarding both points of view before presenting my own point of view regarding the topic.

From that point, the succeeding paragraphs should have indicated:

The belief that tourism should be limited in cultural places....

However, those that advocate for open tourism in these areas...

Based on the above reasons, I have gained the impression that...

The above format would have best represented each point of view clearly in the paragraphs prior to the presentation of your point of view.

Your concluding paragraph is a run- on sentence and would have further reduced your C&C and GRA score. It is always best to present short but informative sentences separate by periods instead of commas to improve your scores in those sections. Just don't present more than 5 sentences per paragraph for maximum scoring considerations.

Scholarship / Motivation Letter to pursing my advanced study - Sweden [3]

Ahmad, this is far from perfect. In fact, it is not even a motivation letter. You have only written a confused combination of a personal statement and statement of purpose. Most first time motivation writers tend to get confused and always end up doing exactly what you did. So you will have to be patient and be willing to write a new essay which will be more directed towards a motivation letter representation. You will need to create a new letter that considers the following aspects for a motivation letter:

First paragraph - the foundation of your interest in this field. Starting with when you first gained an interest and ending with how you cultivated that interest. Close with a short reference to what made you decide to pursue this as a college degree.

Second paragraph - a short discussion of your professional background, ending with the problems that you feel are little addressed in this field or any problems that you have been having in terms of accomplishing your job requirements. (This is the personal and professional motivation part)

Third paragraph- Based upon what you know of the university (beyond rankings and location), why you were motivated to apply to this university for your masters degree. What do you hope to accomplish / learn as a student via the course curriculum? This will be the academic motivating factor paragraph.

Fourth paragraph - closing statement that wraps up the first 3 paragraphs and indicates an excitement about becoming a student during the upcoming semester.

Make sure that you stick to the motivation aspect and summarized discussions per paragraph because, if the university requires a personal statement and a statement of purpose, you will need to provide expanded discussions of these topics there. The motivation letter should only be as concise as an average cover letter because that is all it is, a cover letter that accompanies the other essays and documents you will be submitting to the reviewer.

Undergraduate / What makes a bowl of cereal? Rice University Perspective Essay Supplement [4]

Julian, your response is totally confusing and unrelated to the prompt discussion. You are over complicating your response when you are only expected to bring a simple response to the question "What personal perspective would you contribute to life at Rice?". It is a personal perspective that should be reflective of your " unique life experiences and cultural traditions". Therefore, the essay is asking you to discuss who you are in the traditional context of your life and culture. What is it about your heritage that makes you stand out as a person? What might other people see as an admirable trait in you based upon your culture and traditions? How does being a person from your part of the world translate into a person who can contribute to the student life at Rice? How can you make it more animated? How will your addition to the cluster of students make the student body more interesting? All of these responses must go back to your culture, traditions, and unique perspective about life as only someone from your upbringing can bring. Introduce your traditional side to the reviewer. That is what this prompt is all about.

Don't try to stand out and be unique in a strange but interesting manner as you did in this version because the keywords, leading the proper response is contained within the prompt itself. If you can't find it, then just look at the two sections that I placed in quotation marks earlier in my review. Yes, you will have to write a totally new, more clued in response to this essay prompt.

Writing Feedback / What Is the Depth of Martial Arts..? [3]

Mark, in order to avoid the deletion of the questions and accompanying article next time, please post those as a separate file for the essay review. At this point, since those sections were removed from your essay, I am not sure about whether or not this essay aligns itself with the questions posed for you to respond to as part of the article review. However, I can still offer a review for your work based on the the technical aspects of the presentation.

Your opening statement was rendered little effective because it doesn't really inform the reader about the background of the article that you are discussing. You should have worked on presenting a clear thesis statement that indicates the two questions that you will be discussing in the essay and then informing the reader about how these two questions connect so that the discussion you presented would have been clearer.

Try to avoid starting successive paragraphs with the same opening phrase as you did in paragraphs 2 and 3. It makes it difficult to truly differentiate who is speaking in the paragraphs because you use similar terms to describe the speaker. A clear reference using different terms would have helped to avoid that confusion.

There must have been a transition paragraph presentation in the middle of the essay, say in the 4th paragraph, that would have prepared the reader for the transition from martial arts to painting. Creating an introduction to the fact that a co-relation between the two will be discussed in upcoming paragraphs. It would have made the discussion about similarities between painting and martial arts less shocking to the reader.

Be careful with how you type proper nouns. The last name "Lee" must always be capitalized in presentation, you presented it in lower case at various points in the essay. This shows a disregards for grammar rules, upon which you are also being scored. Lowering your score in that section will have an overall effect in your final scoring consideration.

Undergraduate / Seed - Changing Belief Systems [2]

Isabella , this is your one chance to show the reviewer that you are not a one trick pony. That means, you have to prove that you have a well rounded, balanced, and personality developing array of interests. You should always avoid repeating information already given in previous prompts. You have said yourself that you already provided further details about Seed in your other application areas. There is no sense in using the same reference in this prompt for the same university. As a college applicant, you must prove that you will be capable of immersing yourself into the student community based on interests other than the specific major that you are enrolling to. That is what this prompt is all about and that is why this is one of the most important prompts that you will be discussing. Showcase another part of your personality that you have not indicated in the other parts of your prompt. That is the only way you can prove that you are a well developed applicant to the reviewer who will be bored and wonder why you cannot cite other experiences or activities other than the ones you already have presented. If your activities and experiences do not show any variation, your application will be considered one dimensional and unimpressive. Having already highlighted your scientific prowess even in your community, you have to cite something else that shows how this prowess was developed in a different area which may or may not be related to your interest in Seed. Try to talk about some other influential activities that have helped you evolve and develop a personality or character trait. Don't stick to one topic for discussion if you want to retain the interest of the reviewer and help the reviewer to get to know you better.

Writing Feedback / Ielts writing task 2 essay: Discuss and opinion about information sharing. [2]

Le, your overall presentation for this essay is inaccurate and not within the proper prompt requirements. The first problem with your essay is that, in the opening paragraph, you immediately begin the discussion of the topic by presenting an opinion instead of a mere topic sentence. You do not follow it up with a proper discussion and instead, revert to the expected presentation format. This forced an error in your presentation as you no longer properly paraphrased the original prompt. Let me show you an example of a more accurate prompt presentation below:

A particular section of society believes that open sharing of information in the fields of science, economics, and education are important to the continued development of these fields. There is also an opposing sector that believe these types of information are too valuable so open access to these data must not be allowed. In this essay, I shall discuss these two points of view prior to sharing my personal belief of the situation based upon my own experiences and understanding of the topic provided.

It is of vital importance that you stick to the paraphrasing of the original presentation as best as possible so that you can prove your English comprehension skills and ability to represent an English thought process in your own words. Do well in that presentation and you are almost fully assured of passing the test. Make mistakes, such as you made in this essay and you lessen that chance.

The biggest problem with the essay that you presented is that it comes across in totality as a personal opinion regarding the two points of view. The actual discussion instruction requested you to discuss both points of view in an independent manner first. Then you present a point of view that supports one of the given sides. Based upon your presentation, you approached this from an academic angle instead of basing your personal point of view on personal knowledge or experience. When you present your personal point of view, you must indicate this by using the first person pronouns such as "I, myself, me". If you do not specify the separation indicators for the two different points of view and your personal point of view, you end up representing only your discussion in the presentation.

It is based upon these presentation errors that I cannot assure you of getting a passing score with this type of essay. There are too many inaccuracies in your work for it to be scored accurately and fairly. You need to make sure that you understand the discussion method required before you write the essay. If you understand what is expected of you, then you should be able to properly deliver the requirements and thus, gain a passing score for your work.

Undergraduate / Being Chinese and Venezuelan. My two cultures which defined me. Common App essay - Prompt 1 [3]

Michell, I am impressed by your cultural background. However, there is a problem with the way that you discuss these as two separate experiences in your life and your decision to say that you are neither but rather each one on an individual, need to be basis. This creates a conflict of personality within you. I understand that you want to make your essay stand out by making statements such as you not identifying as one or the other, but only when required to do so. However that does not make you unique. It makes you confused and difficult to understand. Always aim to explain how this blend of cultures has created a different person by creating a hybrid personality in you. One that combines two cultures as different as night and day, but makes perfect sense when one interacts with you and realizes that being Chinese Venezuelan is something you are proud of because of how it has helped you become a more capable individual. Don't develop the discussions separately. Always aim to merge the two different backgrounds into an impressive personality on your end. Don't say you questioned yourself sometimes. Instead, say that you were proud each time your merged cultures helped you stand out in a crowd. Explain how these two cultures merged within you and how you view yourself or describe yourself because of this unique upbringing. That will make the essay more interesting to read and impressive to the reviewer.

Undergraduate / Essay for opportunity of lifetime - Why would you be a great participant in the Global UGRAD Program [3]

Đenana, the worst thing that you can do is start off your essay by saying "I would be a great participant in this program" because you have absolutely no idea as to what the criteria for the perfect candidate is. Only the reviewer and the members of the selection committee know that. That opening comes across as over confident and snobbish. That is not the image you want to relay immediately to the reviewer. It would be best if you revise that portion immediately to sound more down to earth and humble. Focus the discussion of why you think you will be a great participant on the scouting exchange experience between the Catalans and the Bosnians instead. That will definitely show the reviewer that you are not only prepared for the demands of the UGrad program, but that you already have experience when it comes to promoting similar values and beliefs in a previous program. Discuss how you hope to expand on that experience and participation during the program in the U.S. and explain why your desire to expand on this previous experience makes you an ideal participant in the program.