Writing Feedback / Every success is because of hard working, luck has not much in common with success. [5]

Naseer, are you discussing a Task 2 essay or a Direct Response question? It appears that the prompt is for a Task 2 presentation but you are opting to treat it as a Direct Response essay. Please clarify the type of essay that you are discussing with your next practice test because the advice for each type of essay varies. Since each essay type has a specific discussion method, I want to be sure that I am giving you the correct advice regarding the essay development each time.

Pay particular attention to your punctuation and grammar. Any misspelled word indicates a lack of English vocabulary skills and will affect your LR score. Look at this mistake that you made:

Every success in the life is because of hard working, nothing will be achieved with lick..

The mistakes in this sentence are:

1. Word Usage -
"Working" should be "work" because working denotes the act of "work" .
"Lick" means to pass the tongue over a surface. You were supposed to say "luck" meaning success or failure brought on by chance.
The mistakes show a lack of English vocabulary familiarity and incapability to use the terms in the correct context.

2. ... (ellipses) should have been a simple period. Maybe this was a mistake regarding key punching on your end or maybe it was intentional. Whatever it was, the presentation of that line should have ended with a period, as in a statement, instead.

The rest of the essay contains applicable statements that can help to increase your final score. The problem, is that your opening statement has some serious flaws that would have a direct effect on your final scoring considerations.

Writing Feedback / Should the community service in the high school be built by a volunteer or compulsory system [4]

@al50332 It is too bad that you fumbled the opening paraphrase and your essay is lacking a concluding statement. The body that you developed, which is based on your personal experience is one that would have helped increase the score of your essay, even with the problematic grammar. Examiners tend to score on the higher end when a test taker uses a personal experience for the body of paragraphs because, if it is really related to the prompt demands, as yours is, then this proves that you have a high ability to understand English instructions and also, you have the ability to present a proper defense of a related discussion based on the topic provided. Your whole essay would have gotten an average passing score if you had presented the opening statement as follows:

There are people who believe that high school students must be part of mandatory volunteer programs. Some of the activities that they recommend are volunteer work at charities, neighborhood improvement, or mentoring to younger children. I am in complete agreement with this line of thinking based on my own personal experience with the said program.

When I was a high school student...

The above presentation would have tied in directly with your discussion paragraphs and hinted at a high level of English comprehension skills. The concluding statement should have reiterated the prompt, your main reason for approving of it, and then a sentence that repeats your approval of the reasoning.

Writing Feedback / Idea of going abroad for university study is an exciting prospect for many people [6]

Chinky, your essay will get an automatic failing score. There are no ifs or buts about it. The essay does not reflect the correct prompt requirements and does not deliver an accurate prompt paraphrase either. Make a mistake with the prompt paraphrase, as you did with this one, and your essay will not be read to the end. You automatically fail in the TA section and as such, the examiner will no longer have to read the rest of your essay. The problem with your presentation is that you decided to discuss what you "think" the essay is about rather than what the essay is "all about". This is an extent essay and therefore, relies on your point of view regarding your main opinion and nothing more. This is an essay that can be completed in 4 paragraphs if represented properly. If you would like to increase your chances of passing in the IELTS test, you would do well to read the other essays that have been written on this topic previously. Just click on the Similar Discussions button and you will be shown a list of similar essays, along with the advice given for improvement. You can use those previous essays as a template and the advice given there, as a basis for how you should be writing your own essay based on the same topic.

Writing Feedback / Identity, Turkey's history and conflict with the west [3]

Steven, the essay is confusing to read. It is jumping around from being a book report to being a historical paper, to being a research paper, to being a book report again. Which is which? You need to be consistent in your presentation. Either this is a book report or it is a historical research paper. It will be difficult to accomplish both in one essay. If you must do both, then present the history of Turkey before you present the book information. Once you present the book information, you should not volley the information between the two sources anymore. Focus one part fully on a chosen presentation, then focus the next half totally on the actual purpose of the paper. As of now, I am not sure about the purpose of this paper due to the lacking thesis statement. If there was a thesis statement, the reader would at least be able to get an idea as to the why and the how of the paper. At the moment, I am not sure what the actual purpose of this paper is.

Writing Feedback / Does the progress is always good for the society? Why? Or why not? [2]

@al50332 Please provide the original prompt that you are trying to respond to because I need it to base my observations of your essay on. I need to find out if you did anything right in the development of your essay response because at the moment, even without seeing the prompt, I can tell that there is a disparity within the discussion you presented and the original prompt you were provided for discussion. However, I cannot begin to point out the areas for improvement because I have no idea what the actual prompt you are responding to is. It is important that you always give me a copy of the complete prompt in its original form because that will always be the basis of the discussion advice that I will be giving you. At this moment, I can tell you that the paragraphs do not follow the proper 5 sentence maximum discussion requirement and you seem to be fixated on the discussion of particular technologies and business, based upon research, which will not do well for you in the actual test. I cannot direct you towards the proper response because you have not given me the original instructions for it. I hope that you can remember to deliver the original prompt the next time you post a practice essay. For now, I have to limit my observations and advice to what I have presented here.

Writing Feedback / It is better for children to start learning English language at primary school already [2]

@al50332 Your opening paraphrase is off course, your discussion paragraphs do not follow the required information presentation, and you are basically, discussing a topic of your own design based on the original prompt. In other words, you did not write an essay that can be considered as passing because it totally separated from the original presentation and discussion expectations.

The first paragraph is not in step with the instructions for discussing the Task 2 essay. The opening statement is required to represent your understanding of the prompt discussion, instruction, and presentation requirements. It is not meant for you to being a serious discussion of the prompt requirement, or what you thought the prompt requirement was. Since this is your first posting at this forum, I will assume that you are self-studying because you are nowhere near showing the capabilities of a person enrolled in IELTS review classes or even, a person preparing for the IELTS from books.

Here is the proper format:

Paragraph 1 - Paraphrasing
Paragraph 2-4 body of paragraphs requiring evidence and supporting statements for your presentations.
Paragraph 5 - Concluding summary of the discussion

The paraphrase for this prompt is:

There are two professional ideas concerning learning a secondary language among children. The first idea is that they must learn the foreign dialect in primary school. The other idea, is that the training of a child in the use of a different language is best done in secondary school. As most experts believe in the prior idea, this essay will discuss why the advantages of this idea counterbalance its disadvantages.

From this personal paraphrasing, you should then begin to discuss the reasons why learning the language in primary school is far better than learning the language in secondary school. Unfortunately, none of your current discussions come anywhere near the expected line of reasoning so the essay will get a failing score.

Writing Feedback / Young members of a society wants independence from their parents [4]

Behzab, your opening paraphrase is alright. The problem, is that your first sentence introduces a discussion fact. Discussion facts should not come in until you begin the actual discussion in the 2nd paragraph. The opening statement must limit itself to simply the presentation of facts from the original prompt in a new manner. If you remove the first paragraph and instead, divide the second sentence into 2 parts, rather than having the run-on sentence that exists at the moment, you would have completed the 3 paragraph minimum requirement for that part of the essay and also gotten a higher TA score in the process.

All of your supporting discussions are alright. However, you should have used the "I am convinced" reference at the start of the 2nd paragraph instead of as part of the concluding statement. The concluding statement is not the place where you can reinforce personal opinions. That is only supposed to summarize the discussion and reiterate your personal opinion at the end. The more appropriate conclusion is:

Being aware of the aforementioned points, it is easy to understand why living independently is the better choice. I believe that by living away from their parents, young people become more responsible individuals sooner rather than later. That is why I support this opinion with regards to this discussion topic.

Undergraduate / Three experiences which helped to explore your desire to study and possibly pursue a career in STEM [3]

Isabella , you only need to provide a translation for the club name, not the village since that is not a necessary portion of the scientific discussion. Somehow, your presentation of the first 2 activities and experiences are stronger than the last one in the list. The way you wrote it makes it sound like a mere afterthought. Something that you threw in there just to meet the 3 activities requirement but not really something that you are enthused about performing. Try to develop a balanced presentation across all 3 activities. If possible use transition sentences to connect one paragraph to the next in a related, seamless manner. This is an interesting presentation but the 3 activities only work well on an individual basis. As a collective presentation, they don't really make a strong impression so you need to work on strengthening the transitions and supporting statements to make the essay collectively impressive.

Undergraduate / "my first job interview" - GT short answer - being outside of the comfort zone [3]

Guangze , your response is totally inappropriate for the prompt provided. This s not something that happened to you in high school. This is evident because you are presenting a job interview scenario. I believe that you misunderstood the prompt provided or, you did not understand what the prompt was asking you to do. That is why you led with a professional instead of student scenario response. The prompt specifically asks you to :

Tell us about a time in high school that you felt outside of your comfort zone and the resolution.

The keyword in the prompt is High School since you are a college applicant. Therefore, you did not respond to the prompt at all. Since the problem is that you provided the wrong response, the grammar and consistency of your sentence structures are irrelevant to the statement. Think about that "uncomfortable but comfortable" scenario from high school. Then, just to be clear about when happened, mention what high school level you were in when it happened.

Writing Feedback / I have to write about one-day excursion - report [2]

Nastya, for starters, you can correct the title of the essay from Flesh Mob to "Flash Mob" which is what you meant to say. A Flash Mob is a large gathering of people performs a number in a public venue without prior announcement. A Flesh Mob, does not exist. It is not the appropriate term to use. When you present the date, never forget to include the year in the format because the reader needs to know if this is a current, immediate past, or previous event that took place. The activities that you discuss in the "What We Did" do not inform the reader as to whether the "Flash Mob" took place or not. If this was just a simple calisthenics event that you participated in and not an impromptu presentation, then change the title of the presentation. You could expand more about that portion by indicating how you participated in other events and how you mingled with the other people at the celebration. Your comments are acceptable. I am not sure about what other activities you did and what you experienced during that time so I am not going to say anything about how to improve that portion. That is something that is based on a personal opinion so I will accept what you said about the event.

Scholarship / Motivation letter for scholarship in Europe. Information Technology. [3]

Mohit , your first paragraph is on the mark in terms of explaining your motivation to learn. However, the next 2 paragraphs are more geared towards the statement of purpose so you have to remove those sections from this essay. You can replace those 2 paragraphs with a single paragraph that explains why you gained an interest in the University that you have chosen, which is separate from the reason you chose the program. The motivation letter can be as short as 3 or 4 paragraphs. It doesn't have to be extremely detailed but it does need to show the development of your interest in the field. With that said, the first paragraph is strong enough to deliver the direct motivation for your desire for higher academic learning. You basically have your first 2 motivations spelled out with the first and last paragraph of this letter. Just develop the connecting paragraph regarding what motivated you to apply to the university and your letter should be set.

Writing Feedback / Sport is reducing international controversies and leads citizens to express their patriotism [2]

Dang, the above example is inaccurate and does not properly represent the prompt requirements in the paraphrased statement that you were expected to represent in the first paragraph. The problem with your presentation is that you did it in only 2 sentences, thus causing a confusing run-on sentence in the first part and a simplified but proper response to the prompt discussion question at the end. The more appropriate paraphrase is as follows:

The World Cup is one of the international sporting events that have an important function on the global stage. It is believed by most that the aforementioned event, along with some other international athletic affairs, promotes the easing of global contention as well as allowing a country's citizens to portray his love for his country in a controlled environment. I completely agree with this idea.

The key thing to remember when stating your opinion is that is must use the same keywords as the original instruction. So, when asked about the extent of your opinion, using the term "completely" indicates a clear understanding of the discussion question and will increase your score. Saying "in sync" does not provide an "extent" response and hence, would have decreased your score instead.

You could have easily had a 3 body paragraph essay here, which would have further boosted your scoring indicators. When you discussed the first reason regarding the way that sports helps ease tensions among international business competitors, you should have stopped at the point about how international competition is held to boost globalization. Using the world Cup explanation in an expanded manner in its own paragraph would have created a longer and more accurate explanation on your part. The following should be presented as separate paragraphs:

Reason
Supporting Explanation
Example

Your concluding paragraph has potential. It needs to be expanded and improved in terms of delivering the summarized discussion of the essay at the end. You have the potential to write good essays that are bound to get a better than average passing score. You just need proper guidance in order to achieve that.

Writing Feedback / ILETS Task Line graph: Precantage of workers with Illness Absence [3]

Lin, let me respond to your individual questions first.

1. Since the dates given are in the past then you must use past tense references for this paper. You cannot use any other tense because of the years indicated having already gone by.

2. The proper reference would have been "starting in the year 1991 and ending 2001." That method of presentation is all encompassing of the dates indicated in the line chart.

3. Do not aim to shorten the essay because when you aim to write less, you end up missing important information. It is always better to write more, say around 200 words, and then edit from there. You cannot possibly write a proper analytical essay, in a finished form, within 15 minutes. You may take 15 minutes to write a draft though. Aim to be thorough in your presentation instead of short in presentation because you are being judged on the thoroughness of your analysis, not on the number of words you have written. For example there are overlapping points to consider for similarities between absence rates in countries. If you write less words, then that analysis will not be included in your presentation. What you can try to do next time is try to batch the information by year brackets or by countries with similar trends, then offer a deeper analysis of the other parts of the chart based upon the importance of the information.

As much as possible, you should refrain from writing any information in parenthesis because these are standard, required information. All of the information in a Task 1 essay must be presented and used in an official, part of the paragraph form.

By the way, the overview information should be presented in paragraph format instead of stand alone sentences in order to adhere to the C&C scoring considerations that require a complete format presentation for each paragraph. That means completing at least 3 sentences per paragraph which will help you meet the minimum requirements. The maximum is 5 sentences. So that should have:

1. Chart type information
2. Basic information from the chart
3. Measurements used and how it was acquired (if provided)
4. Trending information
5. Discussion instructions (if provided)

Merging your first 2 stand alone presentations at the top of the essay would have fulfilled most of the requirements above, resulting in a higher TA and C&C score for yourself.

Undergraduate / SOCIALLY AMBIDEXTROUS - CommonApp Personal Statement [6]

Artemis, don't suddenly confuse the essay by presenting the academic discussion of your personality traits. It divides the reviewers attention and confuses him because that discussion came out of nowhere. It doesn't belong in this essay because the whole basis for this essay is your personal experience. It need not apply to your academic side because this essay is seeking to introduce your personality trait, away from being a student, to the reviewer. The essay, in my opinion is at its strongest if you will allow it to close on the current 6th paragraph instead, thus bringing your essay down to a respectable 5 paragraph format presentation. The removal of paragraph 5 will not affect the overall presentation and will instead, create a concluding statement with a "punch" that the reviewer expects. The whole essay is interesting to read and truly shows off your multi-cultural background, so you should retain all but one aspect of the essay for presentation and consideration. This is a well developed essay that only requires some simple grammar correction before it can be submitted to the university for the consideration of the adcom.

Undergraduate / Pitzer Supplement Essay: a topic on Menstruation! [2]

Keely , I am confused by the essay discussion. You need to clarify whether you are in Vietnam or in the United States. As per your profile at the forum, you say you are in the United States. Therefore, there is a disconnect at to why you would want to discuss the issue of menstruation as it affects the Vietnamese women. This will only be a logical and relevant discussion if you are in Vietnam and seeing the consequences of these actions first hand. You have to remember that the topic you have chosen is not a universal issue as most developed, second tier, and even third tier countries have women who have ample access to menstruation products of various types. Therefore, to say that this is a universal issue is incorrect. It is a localized issue for the Vietnamese. It is localized because your essay focuses on the problem of women who have menstruation in Vietnam. This is not a global issue. So there is a misrepresentation on your part within the essay. Additionally, the US government offers free menstruation products so you may want to rethink the reference to California law. This is another unclear part of the essay. While the issues you present are true, the problem, is that the essay is confusing the reader. One minute you are discussing Vietnam then all of a sudden, you are discussing US laws. You need to either focus on one country alone for the essay or, at the very least, write clear transition sentences and paragraphs in order to help the reader keep track of what is going on in your essay. So far, this is confusing and, it would seem, is trying to discuss one too many issues covering 2 different countries. You will need to focus your essay discussion if you are to have a chance of writing more appropriate drafts and a final version of this paper.

Writing Feedback / Some people argue that cars should be banned in city centres while others are against this idea. [5]

Chinky, did you provide us with the complete original prompt? The reason I am asking is because the prompt paraphrase that you created separate so much in context from the original prompt that this would cause an automatic failure of the essay in the scoring system. The prompt paraphrase that you created for not accurately reflect the original prompt and as such, would receive a failing TA score. You have to remember that the opening paraphrase is not the place to start the discussion of the actual discussion of the prompt. That does not start until the second paragraph. You have inaccurately represented the prompt requirements. Just look at the original content:

Topic: cars should be banned in city centres
Instruction: Discuss both the sides and give your opinion.

Look at the prompt paraphrase and you will see that what you presented for the discussion is nothing near the target areas of the original prompt. The proper paraphrase is:

There are people who would like to prevent the use of cars in city centres. Others believe that cars should continue to be allowed in the city centres. In this essay, I will discuss each side of the argument before offering my personal opinion.

There seems to be a missing piece of information in the discussion that you presented. That is, what are the two reasons that represent each side? That is why I think the essay prompt you provided is incomplete. There are usually reasons already presented in the original prompt in order to give you a basis for your discussion. In this instance, you made up that information. Which could lead to low scores if it is proven that you are discussing off topic issues in the essay.

This is supposed to be a 5 paragraph essay since you are being asked to present a personal opinion. A common mistake among the test takers is that they normally use the personal statement to conclude the essay. That is the wrong approach to the essay. Your opinion is still part of the body paragraphs and therefore, cannot be counted as a concluding statement. That is always a summary statement at the end of the essay.

Graduate / ERASMUS essay for program that focuses on environmental policy and planning [4]

Alavy , the whole essay is just a bunch of words that you strung together to write sentences, in order to create paragraphs, but did not consider the prompt requirements per paragraph presentation. That is why this essay does not truly represent the prompt requirements as indicated in the original instructions. You have to revise the essay to create a more reflective response.

For instance, as child who found a sense of "friendship" with a tree doesn't really represent the origin of your interest in environmental issues. The interest in such a serious issue should have happened somewhere in between high school and college. That is because the development of this interest should have happened gradually and found it being strengthened over time. There is no representation of that in the essay.

You are trying to dazzle the reviewer with your knowledge of current events in relation to global warming because you have very little to no relevant (to the prompt) discussions in this essay. It is weak and does not stand a chance of further consideration because of how you presented your responses. What benefits do you have that will relate to your future career plans? What special environmental interests do you have? We are not talking about your trade here. We are speaking of extra curricular activities that relate to your career interests.

You need to revise this essay by writing a new one. In order to make sure that you will manage to respond to each prompt appropriately, I strongly recommend that you first list the prompt down, then write a response underneath. After you have responded to each prompt individually, you can double check to make sure that you properly responded to the prompt. If you think you responded correctly and did a good job at it, then you can combine the separate paragraphs into a complete essay. Just remember to add transition sentences at the end of each paragraph in order to create a continuous discussion feel to it.

Letters / Has television ruined bonds among friends and family or not? TOEFL Independent essay. [4]

Naseer, the first rule of English Test writing is that the opening statement is always meant to prove your understanding of the English language. That is why you are asked to paraphrase the original prompt requirement. The difference in the TOEFL test though, is that you should start your discussion in the opening paragraph by presenting your opinion immediately. With that said, you made a mistake in your presentation because you posed a question at the start which is a cut and paste of the original prompt. You are required to always rephrase or reframe the original discussion in a manner that shows your ability to state something in your own words. You actually lose points for not being able to do that, regardless of the test you are taking. I am wondering though as to why you are responding to an IELTS task 2 essay prompt in a TOEFL tests. These exams normally have very different prompt requirements. Therefore:

Television is considered to be one of the reasons that friends and families no longer communicate with one another. I am in agreement with this statement. In this essay, I will illustrate the reasons and examples that will support this claim.

You need to try and use interconnected statements in your body paragraphs. Your essay is very choppy to read due to the lack of transition sentences at the end of each paragraph. Your discussions do not really represent a clearly explained reason as to how television has destroyed communication between family and friends. It would be better if you used reasons that are easier to explain in your essays. Don't start with your personal experience immediately. For the 2nd paragraph, state a reason and explain it. In the 3rd paragraph, give an additional justification, by the 4th paragraph, you can strongly present the example that will drive the message of your essay home in the strongest possible manner.

The reasons that you placed in your concluding statement are very strong and should have what comprised your body of paragraphs. Your concluding statement is faulty as it is not a summary of the previous discussion as expected by the examiner.

Graduate / Challenges you faced, and the strengths you brought from contacting someone with different beliefs [3]

Xuyi, I can see why you suddenly became concerned about your choice of story. While it is an enlightening essay, it doesn't really hit the mark in terms of representing someone whose life perspective or cultural background is different from yours. Rather than using this group setting for the presentation, think of a time when you worked with a class partner on a project instead. That way there are only 2 of you in the story and it will be easier to represent the differences in opinion, perspective, and background between the two of you. This essay focuses more on the project itself and the group considerations, which are more aligned with the class requirements for the project. The whole discussion is not applicable because you discussed the research process instead of the differences between you and another person as required by the prompt. This is one case when you will have to start a new essay from scratch because this essay doesn't fit the prompt. I hope you can find that individual whom you had differences with in the manner described by the prompt for your next version.

Graduate / SOP for IST master program of PSU [2]

Wang, this is a highly interesting personal statement. This is not a statement of purpose. Put a pin in this essay and use it as the basis of your personal statement essay if required by the application. You cannot use this for the statement of purpose because it doesn't have any of the required SOP information stated within it. An MS SOP requires you to prove that you are not only academically prepared for the course, but that you have the professional experience (of at least 2 years) to support your study requirements. You wrote this essay in the manner of a college common app essay, which is not what you should be showing in this essay. There are a series of information that you have to show in the SOP in order to make it a valid essay.

The first thing you have to represent in the essay is your college background, a summary of your academic accomplishments that will prove that you have the academic foundation for higher studies with regards to your course of interest. This should be able to parlay itself into a solid professional introduction for yourself in the second paragraph. Your professional paragraph needs to provide more detailed information about your professional preparations and requirements that led you to decide that you need advance academic information that should help boost your career chances in the future.

Convince the reviewer that your current professional abilities are adequate, but that you need to train further because your current skills have already taken you as far as it can in the performance of your duties. I don't see any information about that in your essay. Granted that you want to become a researcher in the future, you still have to explain the foundation of this interest. Think ahead by 5 years and don't discuss any doctorate plans in the essay.

Explain to the reviewer why you have chosen this university to enroll in. Your reference to that is currently scattered at the moment. Try to connect your master thesis proposal with your choice of university through your selection of professors that you hope to work with in order to advance your practical training in the field.

Try to think about the information that I told you about in this post. Consider which information you can use to draft a new essay. You should be able to present a more appropriate SOP if you decide to follow my suggestions above since those are the required information for an SOP.

Research Papers / Pornography: A Research Paper on the Devastating Drug [2]

Mattisen, this essay, being a research paper, should be written from the third person point of view. The researcher, in an effort to remain objective and disconnected from the research, in order to present just the facts, must use the third person pronoun in representing the material. Being so involved in the essay presentation makes the reader wonder if you are not bias towards the discussion of the topic. That is why there has a to be a clear disconnection between the author and the presented material.

In the presentation of the opening statement, you need to clarify what sorts of media people immediately dismiss even though they seem erotic and promiscuous. An additional line of information should be presented that explains why people have become oblivious to the daily existence of erotica in everyday material. This will relate directly to the discussion as to why pornographic addiction is sometimes not considered as a real illness.

There is a lacking element in the presentation of Amy's story. It is not clear how her pornography addiction led to the negative relationships in her life. In order for the reader to understand the professional diagnosis, a stronger backstory regarding the effects of pornography need to be presented. That is, because you claim that pornography was the reason that she was having relationship problems throughout her life.

You are not really offering a personal solution based upon your research. There should be a reference to the method by which you believe this addiction can be overcome. Added to the existing closing statement, the essay will be more informative and close on a positive and helpful note rather than a direct statement that does not aim to provide any solutions to the problem aside from the most basis references.

Writing Feedback / The government spending on sport training for top players as compared to everyone [4]

Chinky , when you write the first paragraph, do not launch into an immediate discussion of the essay topic. The opening paragraph is meant to help the examiner assess your English comprehension skills. The only thing he wants to read about in this paragraph is an accurate representation of your understanding of the original prompt. What you did was introduce a discussion in the first sentence of your opening paragraph. I you remove that part and start with the second sentence instead, your prompt paraphrasing will be more on the mark. By the way, your opening statement would have been perfect if you had remembered to paraphrase the discussion instruction as well. That way, the reader will have an idea as to what is supposed to be discussed in the body paragraphs.

The essay does not have a proper concluding statement. Your personal opinion is considered a part of the body of paragraphs and therefore, should never be used to close the essay. The essay will only be considered closed and with an appropriate closing paragraph if you did a proper summation of the discussion along with a prompt restatement and a reiteration of your opinion.

Overall, this is a pretty decent attempt at writing a comparison with opinion essay. You just need to make sure that you address the points I observed above in your next practice test.

Writing Feedback / People should sometimes do things they do not enjoy doing as it can be beneficial [3]

Trang, you cannot write more than 5 sentences per paragraph for this test. You should also do your best to write at least 4 paragraphs per prompt in order to allow yourself a better scoring consideration based upon your English presentation skills. At this point the essay is well developed, but I do not think you did the writing within the allotted time frame. Please make sure that you always practice your test essays within the time provided only because if you are not doing that, you will find yourself lacking for time during the actual test essay writing. If you had provided the original prompt that you were responding to, I could have been able to better direct your writing manner in a method that will allow you to discuss a strong essay within the given time frame. Right now, it seems that you over developed your discussions but I cannot pinpoint where the over discussions occurred. Your closing paragraph is also inaccurate because you are not representing a summary of the discussion as required in that section. That cannot be done in only one sentence.

Writing Feedback / Our lives has been changed by the Internet significantly in recent years. IELTS task 2 [3]

Lin, this essay will receive an automatic failing score because you did not discuss the essay in the manner provided by the original prompt. If you review the prompt, you will see that you were being required to create an opinion discussion essay. What you wrote was an agreement/disagreement essay. Those are two different essay discussion formats. If you will look at the following outline, you will see where your mistake came from:

Discussion Basis: Although some of these changes have been negative, the overall effects of this technology has been positive.
Original Prompt Instruction: What are your opinion on this?
Your Response: I complete agree with the idea that the benefits of the Internet outweigh the drawbacks.

The proper response to the prompt would have been: My opinion is that the internet has more benefits than drawbacks.

One small mistake regarding your representation of your opinion discussion has forced a prompt change in your discussion, which will result in an altered presentation of the task requirements. Your TA score will be failing and as such, the rest of the scores will also be reduced to non-passing. You cannot be scored accurately on the remaining considerations because you did not show a proper understanding of the prompt in the first place.

My advice to you is this; before you worry about your grammar, punctuation, and sentence structure problems, make sure that you can properly respond to the prompt instructions first. If you cannot understand the discussion you are required to make, having a good grasp of the 3 sections you indicated will not help you to pass the test.

Writing Feedback / IELTS writing task 2. Resembling of most countries today. Positive or negative development? [5]

Hi Dariela, don't worry, I will always get around to reviewing your essay. We have a queuing system that brings the essays into my workload in the manner that it entered the system. I follow the list and get to everyone who needs reviews as soon as I get to their work in the list. Don't worry, I will help you prepare for the test provided you continue to be a participating member at this forum.

The paraphrase that you did seems to begin a discussion of the topic when only an overview is required. I think this is because of the short prompt that you were given. This was a test to see how well you could paraphrase the short prompt. This is also what forced you to begin the discussion in the wrong place. When a prompt is this short, you can extend your paraphrase by individualizing the discussion points:

These days, globalization has allowed the same products to be sold across the globe. This has caused countries and their people to become more identical due to product availability. As such, I believe that this trend is a negative development. The reasons I have for this opinion will be discussed below.

At this point you have 3 body of paragraphs that you can use to defend you opinion as stated in the opening paraphrase. The format should be:

Body 2 - Reason 1
Body 3 - Reason 2
Body 4 - Reason 3

You can individualize the discussions of the reasons in this manner. This will allow you to better present your explanations in a clear manner. Additionally, you can also count out (First, Second, Third) the reasons in a more applicable manner. Using the numbering at the start of the paragraph helps you to better outline your presentation as well.

There is no need to balance this discussion with a positive presentation because the discussion instruction requires only one opinion coming from you. There is no comparative instruction so discussing both opinions is not required and will result in a prompt alteration. In most instances, a prompt alternation results in a failing score because of your inability to follow the given instructions. So make sure you discuss only the required points in the essay, nothing more, nothing less.

Writing Feedback / IELTS writing part2, congestion and traffic jams are a common and major problem in most cities. [7]

Kay, you did not paraphrase the original prompt enough for it to not be considered a plagiarism or cut and paste of the source material. You have not fully utilized the opening paraphrase in order to impress the reviewer with your English comprehension and vocabulary skills. While you did use keywords to indicate an understanding of the prompt, using synonyms in its place would have delivered a better score for your TA section. For example:

Urban developments are currently facing a traffic bottleneck. This situation has caused people to consider road widening projects in order to resolve the problem. I tend to disagree with this point of view. In this essay, I will justify my disagreement while presenting a possible quick fix to the situation.

Your opening paraphrase is the the most critical of your scoring considerations because that is the portion where all your English skills first come into play for consideration. Simple doing "good enough" rather than trying to "accomplish more" in terms of scoring isn't going to cut it. You have to show off at the very beginning in order to get the highest possible TA score that will catapult the rest of the scoring considerations as well.

All of your discussion paragraphs are under developed because you only present ideas but do not discuss them thoroughly in order to prove your point. You need not present many reasons per paragraph. That is not what interests the examiner. What interests him is how well you can explain one train of thought in English. How effectively can you express yourself in the English language? That is why the rule of thumb is one reason per paragraph, supported by 2 or 3 evidence based sentences. The current presentation you have will lower your C&C and GRA scores.

Your LR scores will also be affected because you are not using enough intermediate to advanced English words that would tell the examiner that you have the ability to develop well written paragraphs. If you had developed complex sentences by focusing on your explanations instead of your reasons, then the essay would have had a chance to gain a better LR score in relation to your GRA presentation as well.

Undergraduate / University of Washington essay - When my dad lived away from my family and what I learned from it [2]

Christian, the reason your essay is over the word count is because you are treating this essay as a creative piece of writing instead of an informative narrative. Take the first 2 paragraphs for instance, these events could be combined into just one short, sweet, informative, relevant paragraph:

My dad lost his job when I was 8 years old. He had to leave our family to start work in Texas. At that point, I became the man of the house. I did not really know what that meant. All I knew was that with my dad gone, my mom needed my help to keep the family together and keep the house in order. So I did my part, knowing that this was what my dad would have wanted me to do.

I have given you a starting point for your revised essay. Focus more on the story of your development as a family leader and remove references to your extra curricular activities because those are not relevant to the discussion. You would have to develop those presentations a bit more in this essay in order to make it useful and relevant. That would also cause you to deviate from the prompt so it is better for you to not present those 2 short sentences at all in the essay.

Once you have focused upon how the loss of the father figure and head of the family created a more responsible person in you, at this point, you can say that it made you a more responsible student (use one paragraph to illustrate that point) and that you continue to develop your sense of leadership and strong character, even with your father back with the family, because you felt like a better and useful person while your dad was away. Mention that your dad appreciates having another "responsible" man in the house at the close of your essay. That should set the essay for submission purposes.

Undergraduate / Additional info that may not be easily discernible from your academic record or list of activities [7]

Maddy, this essay speaks of a character trait and personal belief that you had about a certain type of person. It is a mindset that was instilled in you over a period of time and affected the way that you view people. You were judgmental. Therefore, the essay is on track on account of it discussing a personal trait, but off track because of the way it is presented. Before you discuss Andres and his influence on you in the essay, you first, have to open the essay by explaining why and how you developed this opinion regarding the "bad boy" image students at your school. Before the reviewer can understand why Andres had profound effect on you and pushed you to alter your mindset, he first has to know what the foundation of the mindset was. So this is a good character trait essay. It does not fall under personality, interests, and aspirations. Rather, it falls under the "etc." part of the prompt. This is a good essay in the sense that the other prompt do not give you an opportunity to discuss specific character traits, ideologies, and beliefs. Discussing a particular character of your that you believe to be negative, but are working on turning it around is an interesting example of a person who is on a journey of self discovery by understanding others. That, I believe, should be the central theme of your essay.

Writing Feedback / Nowadays children are consuming too many sugar based drinks. what are the reasons and solutions? [5]

Chinky, your opening paraphrase has 2 sentences at the start that say the same thing only in different ways. That is a redundancy and you will lose points for that. You want to present a full 5 sentences in the opening paraphrase that offer the reader some new information in every sentence. So one way of approaching this prompt would have been:

Children have been steadily increasing their consumption of sodas. In this essay, I will be presenting a specific reason as to why the number of children drinking sodas are on the upswing. I will also try to present a solution to this problem based upon public opinion and personal experience.

Without really knowing what the original prompt is, since you did not present it with this essay, I will have to assume that the original prompt is similar to what I created. Please remember to upload the original prompt along with your response essay next time so that you can get a better and more focused review of your essay response.

Your second paragraph was strong and should have closed on a very strong note if you had not suddenly introduced the example at the end of the paragraph, without actually developing that discussion. As such, you will lose additional points for an under developed discussion. In all instances, just present one topic per paragraph in order to avoid points reduction due to under discussed presentations.

As for the solution, the same rule applies. Either discuss the parents or discuss the government role in reducing the children's consumption of soda. We need a clear discussion and information presentation each time. At the moment, that is not happening in your presentations due to the overload in information you are trying to get across to the reader.

Letters / Recommendation Letter to British embassy, my journey to study Urban Planning. [2]

Naseer, it is not necessary for you to inform the Chevening reviewer about where your professor went to school. That is not necessary in this presentation because he is not the one up for the scholarship. So remove that reference in the essay and replace it with the duration of time instead that the reviewer has known you. Was it only for the duration of the class that you took with him at the university? If that is so, then you have to say that in the essay. The length of time that he has known you is of vital importance to your letter. If you were only known to him for 1 year, then the recommendation may not be very strong. You need to make sure that you show a continued relationship with the professor, such as having him attest to your good moral character in the letter in lieu of the short academic relationship that you had with the professor. There is also no need for you to refer to your province of origin in the last paragraph of the essay. That has no bearing on your application as you will be considered based on your qualifications and not on where you came from. Just adjust the aforementioned information so that you can create a letter that your professor can sign already.

Undergraduate / Qualified for English major class. Admission essay to the Tran Hung Dao High School [6]

@khang1310 always provide the proper number of words per essay. If the requirement says "approximately", you should not write more than 250 words. You can write less than 250 but not more than that. It appears that you will be submitting the essay via an online application or an electronic format, to the university. So you need to cut it down to exactly 250 words if you can. That is because the system has been programmed to reject all submissions over the maximum word count. If you try to submit it with more than 250 words, your application may not go through. In which case, you will either have to edit on the fly in order to submit the essay or, risk missing your deadline because you will have to go offline in order to edit the paper for submission. Do yourself a favor and edit it down to 250 before you submit it. You should focus on paragraphs 3 and 4. These are the longest parts that you can shorten by combining the information into one short but informative paragraph.

Writing Feedback / Essay about dicussing 2 ways (Building subway and building more wider road) to ruduce traffic jams [3]

Duong, since this essay is obviously for an English exam, I believe this is for an IELTS exam right? You need to provide the full original prompt that you were given for this essay development in order to receive an accurate and relevant review of your work. The essay test is geared more towards making sure that you are not only able to express yourself in English, but that you also understood the instructions you were given for the discussion. Therefore, you need to share the original instructions with us in order to receive a qualified assessment of your work.

Based upon the discussion that you presented in the body of the essay, it seems that you are being asked to discuss both points of view and then provide your own opinion. However your opening paraphrase does not indicate that. Which means that you did not accurately represent the prompt requirements in the paraphrase, this will lead to a reduced TA score on your part.

While the discussion you provided may be on the mark in terms of discussion requirements, I can't be sure because you forgot to give us a copy of the original discussion instruction, that doesn't erase the mistake that you made in the representation of your personal opinion. It is important that you allot the 3rd discussion paragraph for your personal opinion discussion. That is because you need to make sure that you fully explain and provide supporting evidence for the side of the discussion that you support.

One major weakness of your essay is that you try to discuss more than one topic per paragraph. In order to fully qualify the paragraph as fully developed, you must present only one topic for discussion with 2 sentences for supporting evidence and one example (if required or necessary). What you have right now are slightly developed paragraphs because you only present ideas, not fully developed discussion presentations.

Please remember to provide the complete prompt when you post your next essay. It is something I need to read if I am to assist you in developing your writing skills in a proper manner. I look forward to reading your next essay.

Graduate / Why graduate program, area of specialization, past academic work, plans for future occupation - SOP [3]

Hi Aaron, I am surprised that you are asking for help in reviewing your essay here considering that you already have professors advising you regarding the content and writing style of your essay. I am not sure if I can still be of help to you since you have this essay in a solid format at this point. I do not want to contradict any advice that your professors have given you. So I will try to limit my advice to only the parts that I think you can omit from this essay. Of course, it may run counter to what you were advised so feel free to ignore my advice if you feel that your professor's advice is better than what I am offering.

Your second paragraph, in my opinion, is more slanted towards a personal statement or the diversity / accomplishments / contributions essay. I am not sure if those are separate essays or one essay covering 3 areas. Whichever it is, the first paragraph is relevant to the diversity discussion.

Paragraph 5 is more of a pre-college experience and doesn't feel like it should be in this essay. Most of the information in this essay should focus on your college education and work experience. College internship programs would be a more relevant bit of information when compared to the tutoring experience prior to your undergraduate experience. I do not feel that it is right for you to be discussing the possibility of being assigned as a TA to an undergraduate class at this point. You should be focusing on selling yourself as a student first and foremost. Not approaching the university with a thinly veiled job inquiry. Sell your academics first. You can think about the TA opportunities once you are in the university and have already proven yourself in your classes.

I think that you should include information about your masters thesis and represent an idea as to how you plan to continue that research as a PhD student. That is, assuming that the two topics are related or connected. Most reviewers appreciate reading a summarized dissertation proposal because it shows the seriousness of the applicant to complete the course. Your essay could benefit from such a presentation because you have shown a strong inclination towards academic research.

Again, I do not wish to change anything that your professors have advised you to do. This is just my opinion / take on your essay and how it can be improved. I hope that I was able to help you out even a little. Good luck with your application.

Graduate / Personal Statement for University of Manchester's SEED Masters degree - level of formality [2]

Melisa, you have a number of presentations here that go into overkill mode because they are better suited for the Statement of Purpose. A Personal Statement should, for all intents and purposes, focus mostly on the development of your interest in the course and the other specific requirements as proposed by the prompt of the university. With such a detailed outline set out for you, it is very easy to see where the essay can be cut. You don't have to think about adding any more information because the essay is already highly informative as it is.

The first throw away paragraph in this essay is the first paragraph. You need not introduce yourself at this point because the reviewer knows who you are as he is holding your application file at the moment. In an effort to maintain his interest or make him interested in your essay, you must start off with relevant information in the first paragraph. That means, you should kick off the essay with the current second paragraph. From there, it is just a matter of using the more appropriate paragraphs in order to create a more relevant and easy to read essay.

So, start with paragraph 2. Move on to paragraph 4, and 5. The current concluding paragraph is more appropriate for a presentation of the 5 year career plan in the SOP. I would reconsider including that in this essay. Instead, for the conclusion, you have to explain the reasons why you chose to seek admission to the University of Manchester. Base that concluding statement more on why you feel that you will be inspired to study as a student there rather than at some other university. So that means, you bring a revised version of paragraph 3 into play at this point. Adjusting the content of the essay to be more relevant and appropriate will work more towards delivering a finalized version of your essay. I believe that your paragraphs are of an appropriate length because it informs the reviewer about information that you feel is important. If you shorten the presentation, you may end up changing the meaning of the paragraph or not delivering a clear enough of an explanation to the reviewer. Keep the length for the usable paragraphs. It is clear and informative in its current form.

Graduate / Statement of Purpose for graduate admission in Computer Science at University of Texas at Austin [2]

Avinash, your essay could use some shortening in the sense that the first two paragraphs are just irrelevant back stories at this point. These are not topics that interest the reviewer because he is more interested in the professional development of your interest in Computer Science at this point. Therefore, the information you should be presenting has also changed in focus. You can start by presenting a one paragraph summary of your college studies, since you are a published author, you can forgo your thesis presentation in this essay. Presenting the two published works more than takes care of that class research requirement.

You need to beef up your presentation as to the reasons why you chose to seek admission to UT. You are not really offering any individual specific reasons for your decision. You are presenting general information regarding your choice. What research interest do you plan to pursue as a student? This should relate to your dissertation project. Who are the professors whom you hope to work closely with? Why? Make sure that your research interests are attuned with the specific professors so that you can be seen as a student with a purpose while attending the university.

I would like you close with a reference to your 5 year career plan after graduation as that is normally a part of the SOP. The 5 year plan should include a career goal within the abilities of a masters graduate. It should not go beyond 5 years because then you are talking PhD level interests that require more academic training. Plans for improving the data field upon your return to India would be a good start for this concluding paragraph.

Undergraduate / Qualified for English major class. Admission essay to the Tran Hung Dao High School [6]

@khang1310, in the third paragraph, you say that self-studying was almost impossible and yet, the paragraph focuses on how you self-studied using television programs to overcome your English deficiency. That is a contradiction in the presentation. Since you say you could not self-study and you had a tutor at the time, your paragraph should focus on the improvements to your English language use via the help of the tutor (first), then explaining the self-help television part (second) only if space in a separate paragraph permits. There is no need to quantify your improvement in English through the 8th and 9th grade. Rather, the paragraph should immediately focus on the fact that you decided to become a double major, with English as your first choice. The last 2 sentences about your surprise at becoming an English major and why you consider this your biggest achievement is not really helping the essay so you can delete those parts as well. It is the process of attaining your long term goal of being admitted to this school that should be the focal point of the essay. So the last sentence should refer to something along the lines of "while I was not the best English student and this could have hindered me from attending (name of school), I learned how to turn the negative into a positive in order to help me achieve my long term goal in life at the time." That could be combined with the reference to the double major in order to close the paragraph.

Writing Feedback / The pie charts show the expenditure of a school in the UK in three separate years over 20 years [8]

Hey Andrea, of course someone will always come to help you with your essays. EF is a vibrant community composed of users and contributors whose sole aim to help one another improve their English skills in order to better prepare the members for their English qualifying tests or assist them with admission to college or higher academic learning. You will always find help here provided you do your best to help others as well. Now, I am normally limited to only giving one free advice per student but in your case, I will make a one time exception to the rule because you did not upload the image on time. This is only because you are new at the forum so I am inclined to offer extra help as a one time deal. Here is an additional assessment of your essay.

Most of the work in the Task 1 essay comes in the overview presentation. What you presented is severely lacking in details which is why it will result in a lower TA score for your essay. An effective overview summary, for this type of pie chart contains the following information:

1. Topic for discussion
2. Enumeration of pertinent data
3. Trending statement

If I were to write the opening salvo for this essay it would be as follows:

Three pie charts indicating information from the years 1981, 1991, and 2001 are presented for analysis and comparison in relation to annual spending in a UK school. Whenever necessary, I will be making comparisons to the information while presenting pertinent data coming from the pie charts. What is noticeable from the initial analysis of the charts, is that most of the expenses, regardless of year, goes to paying the teachers salaries.

The above presentation accomplishes 3 things immediately:
1. It tells the reader what the pie charts are about (assuming the reader has no access to the chart)
2. It indicates pertinent information relevant to the upcoming discussion paragraphs
3. it creates an outline for you, as the essayist, which allows you to present the discussion in a clear and connected manner.

Overall, your presentations are informative but short. While 3 sentences is the minimum requirement for the paragraph consideration, writing the maximum of 5 sentences gives you the opportunity to show off your GRA and LR skills. In turn, an extended analytical presentation will result in a higher C&C score. My advice is, opt for a period instead of a comma in order to gain the fullest possible scoring chance in all 4 criteria per paragraph presentation.

Writing Feedback / TASK 1: Recycling Rate of Selected Materials: 1982-2010 [3]

NIsa, I think you can score between a 4 and a 5 with this essay. The reason that I opted to score you within this range is because of the other minute considerations that the reviewer may have in scoring your essay that I might not be privy to. I found your essay to be confusing in presentation and difficult to follow in terms of the information presented. Let me focus on describing the ways that this sort of presentation can be better accomplished with your future essays.

Let's start with your summary overview. While the summary and trending statement can be placed anywhere within the essay, you were right to place a semblance of it at the start of the essay. That helps to create an outline that the reader can follow as he reads your analytical essay. The problem with your presentation is that the outline was not presented, thus making the essay difficult to follow and without a reference point for the reader to refer to in instances of confusion. Your opening paraphrase could have been more specific as an overview presentation had it been worded in a manner similar to the following:

The graph below summarizes the data for recycled materials. These materials are paper & cardboard, glass containers, aluminum cans and plastics. As per discussion requirements, I will be presenting the given information based on its main features and comparison points whenever possible. The information presentation will be grouped per recycling classification. Based on the initial information, it appears that xxxx had the highest recycling rate over the given time frame.

When you describe the information you will be presenting first, the reader gets a mental picture of what to expect of the discussion and how it will be presented. By grouping the presentation into related materials with a yearly comparison, the information presented will be easier for the reader to assess and remember. There will be lesser confusion because the information is not mixed up in the paragraphs. The paragraphs you presented become confusing because you present too much unrelated information in a single paragraph.

You can write up to 5 paragraphs in the essay, depending upon the needs of the illustration. Normally, it can be completed in 4 paragraphs. You just need to figure out how to batch the information presented. By the way, don't use parenthesis for information presentation because that makes it forgettable since it is implied as an optional piece of information.

Aim to write at least 4 paragraphs with 5 sentences each for the essay so that you can give yourself an opportunity to fully analyze and present the information. Don't allow yourself to get overwhelmed by the information provided. Grouping the information will allow you to better analyze and present the information. When faced with multiple comparisons such as in this essay, grouping will help you lessen the possibility of confusing the reader.

If you can apply the advice that I am providing you with here, you should be able to present an improved practice essay next time around. You can score up to a 5 with this essay so I do not doubt that you can do better with the next one.

Graduate / SOP: A brief description of you, your background, and interest in mechanical engineering... [3]

Ashton, I believe that you can safely remove the first paragraph from the essay because it doesn't really tie in with any of the required information. It is not effective as an opening statement either. It is best to simply open the essay with a paragraph that directly delivers one of the prompt requirements. That is why you should start with the second paragraph instead. However, the second paragraph needs to show a summarized version of the development of your interest in Mechanical Engineering. Everything from your building your first motorized Lego set, all the way to the latest experiment that you have created will help to portray your background and the development of your interest in Mechanical Engineering. Your summary about Theory of Machines is very little developed and does not really push your presentation forward. In this case you can either build up that paragraph or just delete it since the next paragraph is more relevant to the story this statement of purpose is supposed to tell. As for the person you are mentioning in the essay as someone you want to work with, I do not see any indicator that states this person is connected with the university you are applying for admission to. You have to remember that you can only work closely with notable people from this field who are professors at that university so you have to be more specific regarding the department the professor is connected with, the current work that he is doing, and how that ties in with your own dissertation proposal, so that you will be considered for a position within his lab as an intern or participant. All the other information that you have shared here is relevant to the essay so I would not change anything else aside from what I previously mentioned.

Undergraduate / At Georgia Tech, I aspire to engage in Hack GT and captivate my passion for computer science. [4]

Zu, due to the 150 word maximum on the statement, you will not be able to be as specific as you wish in this response. However, that does not mean that you should turn in a confusing and wordy statement either. Your response can easily be edited to less than 150 words covering only the most important aspects that you wish to identify as the reasons you chose to attend Georgia Tech. Just take sentence numbers 2, 3,5, and 6 in order to create a more focused and informative response to the statement question. You need not identify your personality traits of other aspects of GA that are more inclined to describe who you are in this instance because you are being asked to discuss only the university in this prompt. Focusing directly on the reasons means an easy read for the reviewer, who needs you to just deliver the pertinent response in the quickest possible way. That is how these short response essays are written. You do not need to be too specific, just informative.