But medical science has never been an interesting topic for me, But It has always been Fascinating for me to watch how fast the business moves in today's world, and that motivation is all I need to keep moving.
However, medicine never arose my interest as a subject, instead I was always fascinated by watching how fast the businesses move in today's dynamic world.
Thus my love for business and finance led me to join Finance rather than joining medical science.
With that I found my passion for bushiness and finance which led me to pursue my studies in Finance. You have presented it nicely. If this is for your SOP, you better talk about how this program is going to help you with future goals.
A variety of psychological, religious and philosophical approaches have strained to define happiness and its sources because of the diversity of this feeling in different people
The actual reason is that different people perceive happiness differently. These perceptions may have been shaped by their religion, culture, educational background etc.
Everyone in this world is working day and night to achieve happiness.
It is good if you open your body paras with a reason that you use to answer the question. In this case it is that "What factors are important to achieving happiness?". Try not repeating too obvious ideas.
First, you should have included your full prompt in the essay for us to understand it better. Also, you should have mentioned the purpose (e.g. IELTS, TOEFL) in the title itself for us to provide you with more task related feedbacks.
throughout our life, we learn so much from many people. we have many teachers in our life. learning is the continuous process and we tend to learn some or the other thing throughout our life. but best of all teachers are our parents, who continues to be the part of our learning for the most of our life.
This sounds pretty abrupt and incomplete. You should elaborate more on the reason. It is the most important aspect of your body para. It seems you have a good understanding about the essay structure. Also you display very good writing skills - good grammar, vocabulary, ideas etc :) Wish you good luck with TOEFL!
Introduce yourself as a learner. Describe two areas of strength- Providing examples where possible. what goals for further development as a learner will you set for yourself n the years to come .
so if you dot mind explaining how i would start this essay
Just like for any other essay, have an introduction, body paras and conclusion. So, in the introduction, you've got to introduce the two areas of strength (state very very briefly without a much do) to the reader.
Then in body paras tackle each strength (one strength per para) and then support your arguments with an exmaple :)
What is the purpose of this essay? Is this for TOEFL, IELTS. GRE etc.? Also, it is good to have your prompt included in the essay itself :)
You seem to be having very good writing skills. However, if this is for one of the above tasks, you may have to work on your time management skills. This essay seems to be a bit longer. Have you been able to manage time?
I have a reservation at your hotel as follows, Name: XXXXXXXXXXX Telephone: XXXX-XXXXXX Expiration dateValid till: XXXXXXXXX My husband and I are looking forward to this trip. We will be very glad if you could do me a favor. I am writing this letter to needask for favor to make a reservation for theto book all our meals at your restaurant (XXXXXXX ). On theiryour website, saidit is mentioned that all overseas visitors need to call make prior bookings for their meals with your restaurant if they wish to have meals therereservations through the hotel.
I am studying to improve my writing skills. :) ... very good :)
There is a comparison between young and old generation in order to see particular issues such as environment, poverty and animal welfare
I suggest this for your hook; People's awareness about issues relating to environment, poverty and animal welfare is very important for us to make a better world.
While some people claim that the new generation is more concerned about those issues rather than the former generation, I too personally hold this view by several important reasons.
Some people claim that the new generation is more knowledgeable about such issues compared to the previous generations. I too personally hold this view due to several important reasons.
First, it is good to mention the purpose of this writing. Is this for IELTS or TOEFL? Others can provide you with more task related feedbacks when they know the purpose of your essay.
Today we live in a highly developing world with increasing improvements inadvance technology and innovative products.
OverDuring the last course of centuriescentury , humans havemen invented variety of new machines and medicines, such as cars, computers, antibiotics and drugs that affected people's lives positively.brought many benefits to mankind.
What is the purpose of this writing? TOEFL? IELTS? You better mention the purpose so that others would be able to provide you with more task related feedbacks.
In today`s world there are so many ways to use to communicate, all these ways have enoughmany advantages andas well as disadvantages to change the way of mankind`s life.in terms of the way humans interact.
First, I've got to make an admin request from you - I found this thread in Scholarship essays forum and I transferred it to Writing Feedback forum which is the appropriate forum for TOEFL essays. Make sure open your new threads in the right forum :)
Students chooses subject
... wrong grammar :( Student chooses / Students choose
Well, that's fine. This forum is for everybody to express their views on others' writing in view of helping someone improve. Pahan has done his part to help you and it is very nice of you to make the above comment to avoid any misunderstanding if there has been any :D
I have noticed that you have good writing skills and also you are keep improving with your writing :)
Your introduction needs to be improved. Before presenting your own opinion ( I do not agree...), state first your main topic or thesis statement.
I am too with niesaysi. I too feel you should introduce your topic to the reader first. And conclude your introduction stating your opinion to have a better flow.
For instance, in Nepal, students are not compelled to study the same national curriculum until college.
Again, don't start body paras with examples. First tell the reason that you use to justify your position on the argument. Then have this kind of specific example to support your reason. That is a more effective way of convincing the reader.
"How can a person know such things if he has never stepped away from his home?, " that is said by the elderly in my home town. My answer is simple. " Well, he must have learned from books."
This is what I would do for this intro; "Intellectual growth should commence at birth and cease only at death" , said Albert Einstein. (Hook - it does not have to be a quote always, but can be some thing catchy )
We learn from experiences as well as from books. (Background - this is what your prompt suggests) However, in my view, I believe that learning from books is more effective than learning through experience. (thesis statement)
. In my opinion, if we limit the amount of time we watch television, we can enjoy our free time.
You are going out of topic. Your prompt asks you;
Television dominates the free time for too many people. It can make people lazy and prevent them from socializing with Others (Agree or Disagree).
You need to tell the reader whether you agree or not that television dominates our free time and make us less interested to socialize with others. Keep your writing more with the prompt task. Pay attention to the structure that Pahan has suggested you for the introduction.
Higher education is not affordable by all the adults.
Well, I don't see this as a strong reason to justify your position - government should sponsor adult education. Just because all people cannot afford, it is not fair for one to expect government to pay for it. The government should pay for it if there is a valuable return to the country's economy. You need to give some convincing justification for that. Tell why such adult education is important for a nation.
In the body paras you give a reason to justify your opinion and support that reason with a specific example (I don't find such example here)
Yes, give one reason per body para and support that with a specific example. I guess we have provided you with an appropriate structure for this task in your other thread. Read the sample essays we have cited there to get a better idea about this structure. :)
Therefore, I contend my position that education is in the first place.
The ideal places to express your opinion are the introduction and conclusion (you reinstate your opinion here). Body paras are not good places to do that as it gives a bit of repetitive feeling to the reader.
In the present age, keeping individuals' healthareis playing increasingly important role in our lives.
... wrong grammar :( ... Not a strong hook. You need to improve its presentation a lot :( In the present age, maintaining health in good shape has become a very important matter.
But at the same time, controversy has arisen whether society should take the responsibility for keeping citizens' health.
I think you better follow the order of the prompt itself. i.e. to talk about individual responsibility first and the societal involvement second :)
I agree with Pahan. Try to maintain a proper alignment with what your prompt suggests. :)
Firstly, specializing in one thing brings professionalism and practical use of knowledge to people.
.... this is a poor sentence. It is not well constructed to deliver your idea clearly to the reader :( First, specializing in one particular subject helps one develop his or her expertise in that subject.
Well, you should keep giving reasons to support your view point on the issue. However, the above para discusses the counter argument and fails to justify your position.
First and foremost, according to statistics the 40 % of all injuries we get is caused by vehicles. In this sense, the majority of drivers are not qualified enough.
Well the reason here is that " the majority of drivers are not qualified enough". So begin your body para with that ; First, according to statistics, the majority of accidents is caused by careless driving.
It opens opportunity for people to improve their quality of life since it is able to make everything gets an easy access to do.offers more convenient and efficient solutions for every aspect of life.
Technology has developed rapidly during the last twenty years. It opens opportunity for people to improve their quality since it is able to make everything gets an easy access to do. This situation leads us to stay away from several traditional skills such as writing, washing and making fire.
It is nicer if you expressed your view on that before concluding your introduction although this essay is not Agree/ Disagree type. That helps you take the reader in your own desired direction.
Well, is this for your SOP or some other prompt in your common app? It is well written, but definitely does not sound like a SOP. It's always good to include the prompt so that we can understand what it really expects from you.
For SOP, this is the guideline we follow; 1)Background, 2)Development of interest 3)Initial pursuit of interest/Research/Education 4)Future goals 5) How will the specific program help you achieve your future goals and then a final summary.
It is indeed wise to be suspicious of the motives or honesty of other people, even those who appear to be trustworthy. Several examples from history, a scientific event and a real life situation clearly demonstrate that it is wise to be suspicious of others.
Well, you start with expressing your opinion. However, in my view, it is good to open your essay with a strong hook to grab the reader's attention to your writing. Then it should be the introduction of the issue and finally your opinion. It is nicer to conclude the intro with a straight expression on your opinion.
As a result of studying hard, some people achieving qualified exam results at school or college automatically equate with a time of economic prosperity.
.... This is not an effective hook . I find it's pretty too long and contain some inappropriate vocabulary too. :( Make it short and simple. Then quickly get into introducing the background of the issue; Studying hard helps one achieve good grades in school. However, whether good results always guarantee success in one's life is something controversial.
Well, have you been able to complete this task within 30 mins? Your essay looks pretty lengthy. Especially your intro seems to be very very long and I personally feel that you don't have to write such detailed intros. If you struggled with time, you better concentrate more on completing the task on time rather than lengthening your essay. This task has a major bearing on time.
Government are taking intensive steps to reduce the intensity of pollution in the environment
... wrong grammar - government is taking / government takes.... also it is not only about pollution, but growing traffic too.
Price of petrol is the controversial issue, nowadays
.... as per your prompt, the issue is not with petrol prices, but with pollution and growing traffic. You need to read your prompt carefully and align your writing more with it.
governments should manipulateaddress this problem by taking other effective measurements.
Very good attempt :) Impressive intro and an overview :)
Well, you should adopt a more official tone as this is about analyzing and reporting data. Avoid more personal phrases like above. Overall, you have done a great job. I feel you are now ready to take up this task :) When is the exam?
The given chart reveals the information of Finlandthree types of telephone calls from 1995 to 2004 which divide into three categories.
Generally,Overall, the calls made by mobiles, national and international andlocal landlines involves as the category of the telephone calls. These features show a gradual increase pattern except thewhile calls taken by local-landlineswhich decreased slightly in the last four years.
Question of where happiness are generated from in the modern society is hard to givefind a comprehensive answer
... happiness is generated I find the above sentence has issues with its presentation. This is what I suggest; How a society can make people happy is a quite difficult question to answer.
Some people think that if huge gap of income between wealthy and poor people is reduced, a whole community will be cheerful.
Some people view that it can be achieved by narrowing down the gap between the rich and the poor in a society. However,iIsomewhat agree with this viewpoint that narrow gap of income difference would lead to happy people.to a great extent.
Of course, 5 para is great if you can handle time effectively. Even you can earn a real good score with 4 para too and I have some experience with that. However, what is most important is that you complete your essay with intro, body paras and conclusion. Also, I am not really in favor of discussing the opposite side of the argument if you support one side of the argument. I don't think it would help you a lot. What you have to be mindful about this task is that this is only a task to test your English proficiency levels and not a very advance level examination. You only need to display your writing skills in terms of grammar, vocabulary, sentence structures etc.
Yes, pay attention to the structure that Pahan suggested above. The structure of your essay is very important for earning a decent score. A good structure contains all important features that help you earn marks and also it helps you manage time, which is also a very important aspect in this task. Read the sample essays that Pahan has provided you with to get a knack about this structure.
In our society, the net salary for undergraduate or graduate students is higher than high school students.
.... Start your body paras with the reason that you use to justify your points. What is the reason here? It is that; First, people pursue a tertiary education seeking better career prospects such as higher salaries and other career perks.
Through those courses, I have gained invaluable knowledge and experience in electronics device development experience , from a concept and design to a prototype. the latter part sounds still confusing to me :(
In addition, I was a research assistant in xxxxx at Electronic devices group in devices fabricationDevices Fabrication(better capitalize) group where my roles wereresponsibility involved with fabrication of xxxxx and characterisation via xxxxx.
First, you need to open your essays in the right forum. This should have been opened in the Writing Feedback forum (we moved this from Essay Term papers to Writing Feedback). Also, include the purpose of your writing (e.g. TOEFL, IELTS, GRE etc.) in the title itself so that we can provide you with more task related comments . Again, have the full prompt included in the essay so that we know exactly what your prompt requests from you.
I realized that I like making friendship with people from various countries, sharing our cultures to discover the world....
I also love to make new friendships with those who come from diverse backgrounds. That again is one of the best ways to broaden my perspectives about the world and what it offers to people. My 18 months Home stay program in Japan enabled me to make many such new friendships. I was introduced to Japanese lifestyle, traditions, cultural festivals like Obon, Kagura, Onsen etc. I even learned the Japanese language and became able to handle a conversation in Japanese.
Since I was children, language is always the weak point of mine. I just cannot handle language subject in my study life, and it is even worse when coming to writting and speaking part in English.
Since my childhood, learning languages has always been my weakest point. I just couldn't handle this subject throughout my study life and it became even worse when it came to speaking and writing English language.
There are many times I determined to improve it, but I just cannot keep it up as I am really don't interested in it
Although there were many instances I promised myself to improve on my linguistic skills, I just couldn't keep up that promise because I really didn't have the right interest to do that.
In my view, careful planning can lead people totowards success more easily than taking risk or chances, and this is for two reasons .
The main reason is that, we dowould not know what will be outour next move if we don't have a proper plan and this will make us more focus to our job.such planning would make us more focused towards achieving our goal.