Writing Feedback / A permanent job and work under same company for the whole life [3]

Kim, when you write the opening statement, there will be a strong urge to begin discussing the facts of the essay immediately. Fight off that urge. Instead, use the opening statement for the purpose it was created, to prove your English comprehension skills. Just tell the reader what you understand of the original discussion instructions. That is the basis of the TA score and as such, is the most important scoring consideration for your test. Do not begin to present information not in the original prompt as those should be located in the body instead. This error on your part lowered your overall score consuderably. Most specially since you didn't close the statement with a proper agreement or disagreement of the original prompt. That prompt deviation, since you created your own discussion topic could have automatically failed your essay. However, since your line of reasoning still feel under the required discussion, you will most likely score a 4 because of the minimal task response and lack of a proper concluding statement.

Writing Feedback / I have just graduated from Hue University of Education - autopresentation [2]

@Tran Trinh the subject is Physics, with an S at the end, not Physic as you mistakenly spell it throughout this essay. Always write the term in capital letters because it is a proper noun, being the name of a subject in school and a field of science. Do not say "concrete" situations. Instead say "actual' situations. "Concrete" means existing in a physical form while "actual" means existing in fact or current, which is what you meant to say in that sentence.

Your essay is actually very interesting to read and is understandable even though your English grammar is not perfect and there are some sentence structure errors in the narrative. I would suggest though, that you do not discuss how your parents have a different dream for your future occupation. Since you did not mention that early on in the essay, there is no sense in suddenly mentioning it at the end without any further explanation. Just like in all other essays, it is important that you do not introduce new information at the close of the presentation because you are not able to further develop an explanation or discussion for the additional information.

Writing Feedback / How many tonnes of goods were transported in the UK over a 28-year period [2]

Anh, the presentation has a number of minor problems that need to be addressed. For the summary overview, you need to present at least 3 sentences for that portion so you could resolve that problem by offering the data for summary, instructions for the discussion and an assumption of the trend to be discussed. The other parts of the essay are acceptable and informative.

There is a part in the analysis when you said that there was a fluctuation in the graph. Since those fluctuations have an assumed numerical value in the chart, you should have noted the value and the dates of fluctuation in the paragraph. That way the analytical essay would have more accurate and informative in presentation. Use actual figures or assumed figures whenever possible. Don't say "one fourth", assume the closest figure in the graph and then say "is assumed to be..." or something similar. In relation to that, when you note a steady decline in something, mention the figure that starts the decline, then the lowest point of decline that started the upward trend thereafter.

These problems do not indicate any real problems with your presentation development. These just mean that you are good at analyzing the data but can be even better. So work on the "even better" part so that you can get the best possible scoring considerations in the actual test.

Writing Feedback / Chinese Civil War. Major historical events have powerful impact to people. [3]

Liu, this is not a bad essay. While the English is not perfect by any means, it has an interesting story to tell and is highly informative. It shows that you have a clear understanding of what the discussion given to you requires and you managed to accomplish the task in a very good manner. However, the discussion tends to be a bit repetitive as you focused too much on the politics of the separation rather than delivering a 3 pronged approach to the essay. That means, you should have chosen 3 different topics to discuss in the essay such as (in no particular order); 1 political, on social, one economic. Discussing each one in a separate paragraph would have allowed you to better explain yourself rather than the combined discussions that you did in the essay. While it did show a great deal of knowledge on your part about your chosen topic, you did not really fully thresh out, develop, and represent each discussion. All we got as readers were overviews instead of actual information. Don't just do an introduction, do a whole summarized presentation of facts as best as you can.

Writing Feedback / Working while studying pfenomenon. [3]

Liu, it would be in your best interest to always post the complete prompt and not just the discussion question provided. That way I can accurately assess and advice you regarding the proper way to develop and improve your writing style for this particular test.

Your paragraph restatement is confusing. It does not properly represent what the original prompt requirement for discussion is and the method by which it should be approached. As I read your opening statement, I found myself wondering about what you meant by "only larger people's life." Please remember that you are scored heavily on the coherence of your sentences. That means, if your writing does not make sense to the examiner, he will deduct points in your LR, C&C, and GRA scores. Based upon the work that you did in this essay, there will be a tremendous amount of points deduction in those sections for you.

Your concluding statement is also incomplete. It does not accurately represent a complete paragraph that sums up the discussion. You only repeated your opinion but did not restate, in a summarized form, the discussions in relation to your restated opinion.

Writing Feedback / Ban for fast food adverts? [WRITING TASK 2]The best way to prevent obesity in children! [3]

Phuc, did you use an online translator for your essay? It sounds that bad. There is no way that the examiner can read your essay and come away with something useful and understandable from what you wrote. I think that you are transliterating the text from your mother tongue to English. This has become very clear because you keep on referring to "metal" in the written text. The term does not fit in any of the sentences and it does not make sense. Why would children have to take care of their metal? If this is the writing level of English that you have, you must delay taking the test. Your GRA score will be failing so your overall score will not pass. Do not take the test until you can at least, compose simple English sentences in the proper grammar and sentence structure format. Develop your English thinking and writing skills first. This essay is not good at all. You need to broaden your English vocabulary and you can only do that by reading in English and learning the meaning of the words, then memorizing it. Try to speak and write in English as often as you can so that you can improve in all aspects related to the test.

Writing Feedback / Leadership skills: Some people could be naturally good leaders. Or people just can learn leadership? [2]

Vu, when you are given a "2 points of view plus personal opinion" instruction, you must never combine your point of view with the second view that you will be discussing. This type of essay always requires 3 paragraphs covering the con, pro, then the point of view that you support. Basically, the format should be:

1. The point of view you do not support;
2. The point of view you support;
3. The personal opinion that further strengthens the reasons of the previous point of view.

Discuss the essay in the exact manner as indicated in the prompt. Do not take shortcuts in your presentation. A shortcut will result in a lower score. A longer discussion will always result in a higher score. The higher score is based upon the more complete C&C as well as GRA presentations in your response. By discussions, I refer to the paragraphs and not the sentences in the paragraph. The sentences should never be more than 5 in order to stay within the paragraph creation guidelines of the test.

Writing Feedback / The benefits of teaching art, music or ports subjects at schools [4]

Thu, your opening statement is absolutely not understandable. There is no clear representation of the original prompt requirements, the opinion you are presenting does not make sense, and the whole paragraph, well, it just doesn't do anything for you that would indicate that it could get a task accuracy score higher than a 3.

I can't even begin to advice you regarding where the other mistakes of your essay may be and how you can improve upon them in the future because you did not present the complete original prompt / instructions prior to posting your response essay. The whole discussion is confusing and causes the reader to give up reading mid-essay because it is simply impossible for a reader to try and piece together what you are trying to say.

There is a severe problem with your Coherence and Cohesiveness, as well as your Grammar Range development. This is not a test that will pass in an actual setting. I think that you were thinking in your native language and trying to translate it to English, which is why the sentences came out confused and incomprehensible.

You need to develop your English vocabulary and practice writing understandable simple English sentences before you can even begin to try and respond to simple prompt requirements in a Task 2 IELTS essay.

Writing Feedback / Apartment vs. Dormitory - University student living [3]

@trongtuan441996 You have a problem when it comes to applying the rule of word capitalization in your essay. You are inconsistent when it comes to the use of capital letters. Please remember the most basic rule, The first word of every new sentence is capitalized in order to signify a new statement being made. The violation of this rule shows that you did not really pay attention to how you were writing and developing your statements. If you were practicing on a tablet or android phone, don't do that. Use a laptop or PC to practice so that you can apply the correct grammar rules to your essay.

Your discussion presentation is also ill effective as it does not accurately develop a sense of information presentation in a manner that carries an acceptable comparison argument or opinion regarding the statements you are making. Therefore the essay becomes a clutter of not very well connected thoughts instead of a representation of a connected thought process.

Overall, you did good work in the presentation of ideas but it may not be enough to garner you a passing score in the actual TOEFL test. It would benefit you to remember the mistakes that you made in this essay as I pointed them out and then improve upon those in your next practice tests. I hope to see improvement the that indicates you are trying your best to correct these errors.

Writing Feedback / IT IS BETTER TO SPEAK WELL RATHER THAN TO WRITE WELL IN OUR WORK/LIFE [3]

Kim, in today's politically correct world, it is no longer proper to assume that the default gender of a person is male. Rather than indicating a "male" gender in your discussion, use alternative references such as "person", "it" or "their". That way you write in a modern manner that uses a blanket gender reference instead of a default reference. This only applies if you do not know the actual gender of a person though. If you are sure you are addressing a male or female, then use the applicable pronouns and gender references when discussing them.

Aside from that particular correction, there is no problem with the discussion points you developed in your essay. These are all applicable to general settings and shows that you are capable of expressing yourself coherently in English. Towards the end though, you mentioned writing in the conclusion. I would not have done that if I were you because you did not do a comparative discussion in the earlier paragraphs to warrant the sudden comparative mention that you made in the concluding statement. This new representation would have required you to continue the discussion into a number of additional paragraphs in order to better establish your comparative essay discussion.

Undergraduate / Common App Prompt 5 - Personal Growth through Spanish Dance [7]

Ethan, if you want to use a casual, conversational tone in your essay, then that is your personal prerogative. It is not for us to judge how you want to write the essay. Nobody can tell how the reviewer will receive the way that you wrote the essay. In this instance, your essay takes on a more natural, more conversational tone which helps to put the reviewer at ease with your writing style and the information you have to share. That happens a lot in narrative driven essays that students use to respond to common app prompts. It doesn't mean that you did not write it properly, It just means that you are more comfortable writing in that manner. It doesn't reflect badly on you nor will the reviewer reject what you wrote just because of the tone.

You can tell when a prompt requires a formal tone. The prompt will set that stage for you as the writer. The point of view that you receive here is only meant to help you direct the essay towards a more relevant and proper representation of the prompt. In this instance, you did tell a very interesting story as Katheryn said. However, the event and accomplishment doesn't really deliver an impressive finish.

I think the lack of the big finish is because this is an event that you did not really connect with in reality. You just managed to get through the event, hence the accomplishment part. Your heart was not really into the telling of this story. It was just a story that responded to the prompt. It isn't enough that the story just fits the instructions. The story has to give the reviewer an insight into your personal development as well. This has to be a life altering, character shaking, trait shaping event that really delivers a clear depiction of your personal growth. This dance story falls short of that depiction. All it tells the reviewer is that you know how to get by and improvise when a situation calls for it. That is not exactly something that is considered personal growth. If you can try to find a more character driven story to tell, you should consider changing the story that you are using in the essay.

Maybe, you can consider a story about how you did not really connect with your heritage until you had to do this dance presentation. That would relate to a personal growth and new understanding of who you are. That allows you to use more of the current essay that you have, but with specific alterations to make it more interesting and relevant to the prompt expectation.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 - Write a report for a university lecture describing the information shown in diagram [3]

@Echu You will not get a passing score for this essay. Even without the chart, I can see that you have neglected to properly represent the required elements of a Task 1 essay. There is no clear overview, no discussion paragraphs that cover a comparison or trending discussion, no analysis of provided information. You just decided to pick out the series of information that you could find and then post it in a mechanical way in the essay. This single paragraph representation of the diagram you were provided will be given a failing score due to so many writing task violations that you will have just wasted your money and time had this been the actual test. There is no way a presentation like this will pass. I suggest that you review the other essays here and try to emulate what you see. There is already useful advice in each essay thread for you to consider and apply to your own work. When you come back here, please upload the image along with your essay so that I can assist you in developing your writing skills in a more proper manner.

Writing Feedback / Global firms should take responsible for local communities [2]

Linh, when you write the opening statement, you need to make sure that you accurately reconstruct the original prompt requirement from the original. This is the method by which your English analytical and comprehension skills are assessed by the examiner. When you write an immediate opinion in the opening statement, you do not give the examiner the opportunity to assess whether or not you properly understood the prompt requirements and discussion highlights. If I were to paraphrase the opening statement, I would write it in this manner:

These days it is not uncommon for companies to operate on a multi-national level. As these companies begin to grow in local communities of various countries, they are expected to take on certain responsibilities towards the local communities. This essay will discuss the extent that these responsibilities should cover.

The opening statement should always provide the gist of the original prompt. That is the sole purpose of the opening statement. It is not meant to house the starting discussion. It is not meant to represent an expanded opinion coming from the writer. It is only meant to represent an understanding of what the original instructions require the writer to accomplish in the essay.

As for your discussions. The first 2 reasons you provided really gave credence to your positions. These 2 paragraphs were the strongest points of your essay. The weakest was the partially developed 3rd paragraph. There is a lack of discussion there that would qualify it as a complete paragraph representation. Omitting it would have allowed you to have a strong 4 paragraph essay for final scoring. An even stronger scoring potential would have been achieved if you had separated the various topics in the single sentence of your conclusion into full sentences instead. The creation of the concluding paragraph would have helped increase the GRA score for your essay.

Writing Feedback / Foods preparation methods. I really appreciate if you can help me out with my essay [4]

Nguyen, what are you arguing about in your essay? The prompt is asking you to discuss one of two things, the extent of either your agreement or disagreement with the given topic. You were to discuss and support only one of the two opinions provided. There is no "argue" instruction in the prompt. Your whole discussion is wrong and as such, proves that you did not understand the requirements of the essay instructions. The original instruction is not asking you if you think this situation will correct itself over time. Why did you create your own prompt discussion topic?

This type of glaring error in discussion will result in an overall score of 1. Based on your TA performance, this score means that the rest of the scoring considerations need not be given a rating. That is because the rating for the other 3 remaining sections depend upon the validity and applicability of your opening statement response in relation to the TA. Failure to properly represent the task instructions means everything else in the essay no longer applies.

Writing Feedback / [Toefl] It is crucial for youngsters to have the planning and organizing skills. [4]

Matthew, you have neglected to perform the most important part of writing an academic essay test. That is, you did not read what you wrote before you submitted the work for scoring consideration. I will focus on this major error on your part in this essay instead of the other mistakes that you made because the mistake that you made in your opinion discussion will result in a failing score for your essay.

To quote, you said that; "... I agree with the argument it is not essential ..." So you are saying that you do not agree that the ability to plan and organize is essential in the life of young people. Yet, in the overall context of the essay, as well as your concluding paragraph, what you indicate is; "... I support the opinion..." and also state that; "I agree with the opinion" Which is it? It is either you support or do not support the statement. You cannot suddenly change your statement at the end.

This is a mistake that could have been avoided had you allotted enough time to review your essay prior to submission. You need to learn how to plan your writing so that you have enough time to edit yourself if necessary towards the end of the allotted time. Constantly reviewing of the content is necessary if you are to create a well developed, coherent, and logically presented essay to the examiner. That is the method by which you can target a higher score than usual in the end.

Sadly, the work that you did in this essay is sloppy and shows a lack of proper analyzing and thinking on your end in terms of the discussion points provided in the original instruction. Be careful. It is always small slip ups like these that tend to fail an exam taker.

Writing Feedback / Modern Technology brought more comforts than simple Technology [4]

Waseem, this is a good enough effort at writing a simple English statement. Even though you have very obvious problems work spelling, grammar and punctuation, your statement was pretty much coherent. It conveys a basic idea on a basic level of presentation. Having said that, I need to educate you about how this forum works. You cannot come here and post paragraph by paragraph. You won't get any useful advice from us if you approach your essay writing that way. You need to post the prompt or essay instructions along with your completed essay. It doesn't matter if the essay is bad. The worse it is, the better. It is in that problematic essay format that we can help you improve the most. I urge your complete your essay for this topic first. Then you can come back here for a complete review and assessment of your written work. Trust me, you will show a marked improvement by the time you write your second practice essay. That is, after we make suggestions for the improvement of your first completed essay.

Writing Feedback / [IELTS] - Larger shopping areas or corner shops? [2]

Cu, your essay is not clearly focused on the discussion. The location being discussed is a shopping mall, not a supermarket. A supermarket may be located in a shopping mall, but the function of a supermarket is far different from that of a shopping mall. The essay is asking you to focus on the shopping mall stores, not the supermarket. The way that you interchange the terms successively in the essay creates confusion and stress for the reader as the explanation that you offer becomes difficult to understand. The overall presentation is actually hard to follow because your discussions lack a cohesive and coherent flow. It appears that you need to practice writing simple and understandable English sentences before you can launch into essay practice tests. If this essay is a reflection of your writing skills, along with reasoning and logic, then you are not quite ready to take the test yet. You have a long way to go and should focus on first, improving your grammar and sentence development skills.

Writing Feedback / Some people think that the government have the duty to ensure its citizens have a healthy diet... [4]

Bao, this essay will automatically receive a low score of 4 for a number of reasons. The first reason is that the TA section of the essay was not appropriately addressed in the overall presentation. While the original prompt asked you to discuss both points of view prior to the presentation of your personal opinion, you decided to discuss only your point of view in the essay. This is clearly seen in the opening statement that you presented where, rather than paraphrasing the original prompt to indicate that two points of view plus a personal opinion will be discussed, you immediately launched into a personal opinion discussion instead. Therefore, you failed to properly address the task requirements. You minimally accomplished the instructions you were given.

Additionally, your supporting discussions were not really connected in presentation and seemed to be jumping around without any clear objective in each paragraph. Each paragraph must have a clear topic sentence and a properly developed and presented discussion. Your paragraphs try to present too much information without any actual supporting discussion. That lowered the C&C score for your essay as well. It is because of these reasons that I was forced to give you this low final score.

Writing Feedback / Travel during Public Holidays - Problems & Solutions [4]

Earl, you are only asking for help from the contributors and users at this forum. I will not allow you to disrespect the users and contributors here by issuing a command / demand with an exclamation point. Why are you shouting at us? Have we done anything to offend you? Who are you angry at? Why the over emphasis? Are you giving us an ultimatum? What was the purpose of shouting? It doesn't accomplish anything. You will get the same treatment as the other users here. My aim as a contributor is already to help you increase your band score. Therefore, closing your sentence with an exclamation point is something I find highly offensive and a sign of disrespect, not only for myself, but for everyone who uses this forum. Shout at us one more time and nobody will help you with your essay review.

If you review the essay prompt, you will see that you are taking the wrong approach to this essay discussion. You are turning it into a argument when a simple discussion is all that is required. You seem to have a knack for arguing with people. Change that state of mind. Essays are about discussions. Debates are about arguments. This is not a debate, this is an essay discussion. Your whole opening paragraph has taken the wrong approach to the topic provided and does not really represent the expected paraphrasing information. Here is the correct paraphrase for this topic:

An increasing number of tourists go to travel destinations during holidays. The number of visitors to these areas creates certain problems that require specific solutions. This essay will discuss one of the main problems that this situation causes and suggest a possible solution to the said problem.

Your discussion of the problem would have been better served by a general instead of specific representation. If the examiner is not familiar with a place that you are discussing, he may not be able to fully grasp the discussion you are presenting. Offering a general scenario in most instances garners a better score than being specific. Unless, that specific reference is made with the support of personal experience or information.

By the way, avoid presenting factual data in your essay. Just use publicly known information to defend your stance. The reasons that you should not present factual data is not because the veracity of your claims will be questioned, but because you do not have the time to do research during the actual exam. More importantly, there is no access to the internet outside of the LAN network of the testing center. Do not practice your essay test in situations that do not emulate the actual set up of the exam center. You will not benefit from that.

Basically, the information I presented to you should help you to increase your overall score. If you continue to have us review your practice essays, I will be able to tell you if your scores are improving or not as you progress.

Writing Feedback / Different attributes of men and women at work [3]

Nguyen, your opening statement is too flowery in word usage. As such, it failed to accurately depict what should have been a simple paraphrasing of the opening statement. You over analyzed the information provided in your version of the paraphrase and as such, did not have a chance to properly represent the original discussion. The paraphrase should have been as simple as:

Men and women are known to have distinct strengths and weaknesses when compared to each other. It is because of these differences that each gender currently has limitations set in place for them in certain professions. I have a particular point of view regarding the hiring of people to do work based upon gender considerations. This essay will delve into that discussion.

I believe that it is wrong to limit the field of work that a person can perform in due to gender. My main reason for this belief is that...

I know that I included a sample opening sentence for the second paragraph. That is because I want to show you how to effectively reel in the examiner and also, heighten the sense of information that you are about to present in the essay. If you can engage the reader by creating an interesting opening statement and an interesting topic sentence in the next paragraph, your essay will be scored highly in terms of the TA consideration, which is one of the most important considerations in scoring the test.

Your line of reasoning is weak and not properly defended. This normally happens when you are more focused on simply presenting reasons in the essay rather than presenting reasons with proper supporting arguments in the paragraph. The supporting information in a paragraph can make all the difference between a high C&C plus GRA score or a dismal score because you only presented half-baked ideas to the examiner. If you want to pass the test, you need to prove that you are capable of writing fluently in English in a manner that shows off your intellectual capacity in the foreign language as well.

Writing Feedback / The proportion of active Australian citizens in different age groups and sex. [IELTS] [4]

Aka, to get your question out of the way, let me respond by telling you that you need to use all of the main information presented in the essay. Minor information, such as similar or comparative data between the sexes in terms of percentages, may also be presented in a summarized form if time permits.

Your opening statement was good but could have been better if it accurately represented the overview of information to be presented such as the genders, age groups, and measurement information (percentage). As it is, the summary overview is insufficient in presentation and does not accurately outline the upcoming discussion.

The discussion in and of itself is useful but inconsistent when it comes to paragraph requirements. Always write at least 3 sentences in order to gain higher consideration for the C&C section. Avoid run-on sentences in your future writing because that sort of grammatical error will needlessly lower your GRA score. Learn to present complete information in full sentences instead of using commas to separate your information. A full stop is better than a pause in any essay presentation as it allows the reader time to analyze and understand the given text.

Writing Feedback / Public transportation service - the role in contributing to the development of a smart city. Ielts 2 [3]

Thu, here is the thing. The prompt is asking to merely discuss comparison points regarding the advantages and disadvantages of public transport in a modern city. Under these instructions, you are not supposed to try to influence a reader towards a specific point of view. In fact, your point of view, as indicated in the conclusion of your essay is unnecessary and irrelevant as it is not required by the discussion instructions. Therefore, the essay is in error in terms of the discussion method presented.

There is also an error in the way that you presented the opening statement. An opening statement must be comprised of at least 3 sentences that represent a proper restatement of the original prompt. This will show how well you understood the instructions and how well developed your English vocabulary skills are when it comes to finding synonyms for certain words. The proper representation of the opening statement could have been:

A modern city requires the presence of a reliable transport system. This is a key component that many people believe define a modern city. This essay will strive to discuss the reasons that modern public transport have both an advantage and disadvantage in relation to its existence in a modern metropolis.

When it comes to your reasoning skills. I can see that you have a thorough understanding of the discussion points, but were unable to properly decide upon the one definitive response that could have represented the best advantage and disadvantage paragraph discussions in your essay. It is imperative that you choose to discuss only one topic per paragraph and fully explain yourself if you wish to score well in the C&C and GRA portions of the test. Present complete explanations in the paragraphs so that the examiners will be able to judge your actual English writing and thinking skills.

As of now, the main problem with your essay is that you have too much going on in terms of information so your explanations become weak or lacking in context. In your next essays, I need you to focus on informing your reader in a more concise manner. Don't present too much information. When you write a 30 minute essay, less is actually more because you need to develop your discussion in a manner that best reflects your English thinking, writing, and analytical skills.

By the way, your conclusion is not proper. You still need a total of at least 3 sentences to represent a complete paragraph as required by the C&C section.

Undergraduate / Common App 2018: Accomplishment, event or realization that sparked a period of personal growth [3]

Sriya, the story of Adi is truly interesting and carries a sense of self-fulfillment for you as a teacher. However, Adi became the focal point of the essay. That should never be the case. Even though the prompt indicates that you may discuss a new understanding of yourself or others in the course of representing the accomplishment or event, there should still be more focus on you, as a person and as a teacher. Adi is the supporting character in this instance, not the lead character. We need to see a sense of realization that came over you regarding your own skills, personal ambition, or a realization about something a talent, skill, or character that you did not know you had before. Consider Adi the catalyst of the events, but not the main focus. Revise the essay to show how the two of you had a symbiotic relationship in terms of your personal growth. Right now, all I see is the focus on Adi and his accomplishments. I am sure that is what the reviewer will also see and as such, this essay will not help your application in the best manner that it should be able to.

Writing Feedback / [IELTS Task 2] ...reward members of staff...by giving them extra money... [3]

Anh, are you reviewing for the IELTS by yourself? If you are, you will do well to read the other completed essays at this forum and learn from the advice given to them. It should help you to improve your writing skills and also, help you avoid the common problem areas that most IELTS test takers have in common. From reading your current work, I can tell that you have the potential to be prepared for this test on time. You just need to practice more. Here is my review for your essay.

The format of the opening paragraph was not followed in your essay. There is a specific set of sentences that need to be set up in a particular order in order to better impress the examiner with your English comprehension skills. That format of presentation would be:

1. The topic for discussion;
2. The points of view regarding the discussion;
3. The discussion type (compare and contrast, personal opinion, agreement, etc.)
4. Presentation of your thesis statement.

So, a more appropriate representation of your essay opening salvo would have been:

Employers show a tendency towards giving financial rewards to exceptional employees of the firm. While this is seen as an incentive by some workers, others believe that financial rewards have a negative impact on the work force in some instances. While I do agree that this management style is effective to a certain extent, there are still other, better ways of encouraging employees to become exceptional members of the company. In this essay, I will discuss the extent of the effectiveness of the financial reward management style along with other possible methods of encouraging employee's to work hard.

The opening paragraph needs to accurately represent the original prompt requirements from a fresh perspective. In fact, the that paraphrased statement is the most important part of the essay that you can write because it shows off your English comprehension and writing levels in a method that will impress the reviewer. If you cannot write well in the other sections of the essay, then do well in the first paragraph. A high rating in that section can almost always, help to boost the low scores you might get in the other sections for scoring.

Practice developing only one line of discussion per paragraph. Right now, you are telling the examiner that you have a lot of ideas regarding the topic given, but you are not capable of fully explaining your reasons. Explaining one reason clearly to the reviewer is more effective than making him guess as to why you are presenting reasons without ample explanations.

You must also avoid single sentence conclusions that only add more information to the discussion instead of closing the discussion. Remember, the C&C portion grades you more on the number of interconnected and clearly explained sentences in a paragraph rather than a one summation sentence to close an essay. In this instance, your essay is not closed because your single line at the end does not represent a complete paragraph and it also presents 3 more topics for additional discussion.

Scholarship / "the act of leading a group of people" - Leadership. Essay for Chevening application [2]

Benjamin, both these leadership initiatives are impressive when read individually. Collectively, it only serves to confuse the reader. When you write these types of essays, it is important to only write about your most impressive and most recent leadership and influencing experience. I strongly recommend that you remove the reference to the work that you and your wife did in 2014 and instead, focus more on your leadership and influencing skills as it relates to the organization that you founded. You may even keep the reference to your community background if you can make it fit or blend well with the story of your organization. That is the most recent and hence, most applicable leadership and influencing experience that you have had. It also makes it the more impressive of the two experiences that you shared. The scholarship essay is not about the number of times that you were able to lead and influence people. It is all about a remarkable leadership and influencing experience that allows the reviewer to determine if you have the character, will, and ability to embody the Chevening objectives in terms of leadership and influence among your peers.

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL]Some people consider that our life is more complex than it was in the past [3]

Luo, let's start with the basic problem in your essay, the opening statement. It doesn't accurately deliver the required parameters. It is supposed to be an original restatement of the given prompt requirement. That is not what you did here. You immediately launched into a discussion of your opinion on the matter when that is the opposite of what is required. Here is a sample of a proper representation of the first paragraph for your essay, presenting all of the required elements that the examiner will look for:

We live in a highly modern society that represents a complex life. As such, it has become highly important for young adults to develop the ability to plan and organize their daily lives. The discussion in this essay will represent the reasons and offer examples as to why I agree with the previously stated point of view.

As with any opening statement, it is important to present an original paraphrase that clearly borrows keywords from the original prompt. That is because the use of the keywords helps the examiner get an idea regarding the degree of your English comprehension and vocabulary skills. If you know how to use the keywords properly in a sentence, you are sure to get higher marking considerations. All the more if you are able to properly restate the instructions for the discussion as exemplified above.

If you used the internet to research the specific figures and sources of information in this essay, I need to stop you from further doing that in the future. You only have a limited amount of time to write this essay in the exam center. The computers will be locked out from accessing the internet. You won't have the luxury of developing your discussion based upon research. So learn to use personal experience and examples as much as possible when offering explanations and examples to defend your stance. Getting used to doing research to create a perfect practice essay will be a disservice to you in the actual test because, if you are presented with an unfamiliar topic to discuss, you will not know how to adjust in order to write a response without the aid of internet research. Stick to only popular knowledge and personal experience. That is the surefire way to get a pretty good score even if you are not too familiar with the topic presented.

When you use English terms, just because it sounds right does not mean it is the right word to use. In the end, you said "to warp up", the correct term is "to wrap up". Warp means to distort while wrap means to close. If you are not sure of the term you will be using, try to find an alternative term instead. It is better to use a simple but correct term instead of a complex but wrong term in a sentence.

Writing Feedback / The table and the pie chart below shows the numbers of visitors and the survey of satisfaction. [5]

In response to your question, no, it is not alright to have an opening that is highly similar to the original instructions provided. The whole point of the first paragraph is to allow you to display your ability to represent the original discussion in your own words. You have to deliver your own understanding of the prompt requirements, as well as the overview of the supplied information points in a manner that best suits your English comprehension and writing abilities. Failure to do so will result in lowered scores across all the scoring considerations.

Your essay cannot score well because of the lack of comparison points within the analysis presentation. The proper representation would have been to present the percentages before refurbishment in one paragraph, after refurbishment in the next paragraph, then a comparison of the trends, high points, and lowest points, in the last paragraph. These would have been sufficient enough to gain you a passing score in the actual test.

Writing Feedback / [IELTS Task 1] contribution of three sectors < > to the UK economy in the twentieth century [4]

Mao, the format of your summary analysis is not very good. The summary analysis needs to provide a summary somewhere in the essay. For most exam takers, they prefer to place this summary in the first paragraph of the essay. You have a one liner overview, which creates an incomplete paragraph. Each paragraph must contain the minimum 3 sentence requirement as per the C&C considerations. The Task 1 essay is always considered complete enough to get a decent score once it presents 4 paragraphs containing an accurate analysis of the provided information. In your case, you compressed the whole analysis essay into 2 paragraphs with the second paragraph running too long and representing a limited amount of information from the chart. The chart itself offered you enough material to cover 5 paragraphs, which would have garnered you an even higher score. There is little evidence of an analysis running longer and more in-depth than what you just glanced at in the chart. This is not a very well developed essay and the presentation limits your ability to have an improved score in the end.

Scholarship / One interest that makes me different from other students [5]

Martin, this is a very good essay that is only marred by the grammatical errors that abound within it. You need to proofread your paper and make sure that you catch all of the misspelled words (e.g. thought instead of "Taught") and fill in the blanks with the sentences that do not have a subject in them. These turn out to be hanging sentences that don't make sense. Maybe, as Luo pointed out, you were typing too fast and ended up placing periods in the sentences before you could finish the thought typing process onscreen. You may also want to consider explaining why your parents would focus on explaining about the stock market to a 12 year old. It doesn't make much sense as of now for your parents to be explaining such an intricate system of investing to a child. Unless they lost heavily in the stocks and were trying to regain the loss, which is what sparked your interest? A little clarification is required at that point. Also, try to develop more of a discussion regarding how this interest has helped to better define you as a person or a particular character of yours in an "essential" way, as the prompt indicates.

Writing Feedback / Idolization and its effects [3]

Linh, this is not a comparison essay. This is a singular opinion essay as indicated by the prompt instruction sentence. You are to discuss whether the admiration of young people directed at celebrities who are not exactly role models is a positive or negative development. Your response should have been clear. It is either you say that this is a positive development and then explain why that is or, it is a negative development and justify what you believe that to be the case. In this instance, you played safe by discussing both sides of the opinions that exist. That is not the correct approach to take. When the keyword "OR" is in a statement, that means that only one position or explanation must be presented in the essay. Since your essay did not accurately represent the prompt requirement, this will not garner a passing score. You deviated from the prompt requirement and as such, will be scored down to a maximum level due to a clear lack of understanding of the English instructions on your part. Here is a tip. While you are doing the practice tests, if you are not sure about how to approach a certain prompt requirement, ask your tutor or a friend to explain it to you. That way you will become familiar with the various types of prompts and how to address the discussion in the proper manner.

Scholarship / 'Teaching English Language' - MY CHEVENING LEADERSHIP/INFLUENCER ESSAY------- Bankole Akinfolarin [5]

Bankole, unfortunately, you misunderstood the requirements of the Chevening essay. This is not an essay that asks you for a personal definition of leadership. This essay cannot be written as sound bytes of your previous leadership experiences in college and in your professional life. Instead, the essay asks you to present a single, profound, character building leadership experience that details how you handle difficult situations, situations beyond your control, and maintain contact, in a positive manner with other people in your group. The leadership requirement here dictates that you clearly show how your leadership influenced those you supervised to do the right thing, to work together, and to move accordingly in order to fulfill the objective of your group.

With that clarification of the objective of the essay done, I need to ask you to revise your content. Focus on depicting a professional crisis that you had describe how your leadership skills were called into play. From that point, explain why you had to influence the group you were working with. Or maybe, describe how you had to use your influence in order to get other people to help your group resolve its issues and concerns. Whatever the backstory is, just make sure that it highlights your leadership skills and calls attention to how you are effective when it comes to influencing people in order to get what needs to be done accomplished. That is what the Chevening Scholarship reviewer will be specifically looking for in your essay.

Writing Feedback / [IELTS Task 1] the trends of the accessibility of current technology in homes in the U.K. [5]

Mao, your essay is not properly formatted. You need to present anywhere from 3-5 paragraphs in the essay with 4 being the most acceptable target paragraph number. The essay needs to be divided into discussion paragraphs with specific discussion matters presented in each. The way that you have the essay presented now makes it difficult for the reader to read and keep track of the information you are sharing. In an academically formatted paper, this presentation would be at least 4 paragraphs long. You can also improve your summary overview by properly summarizing the data for presentation in the essay in the first paragraph. In the analysis of the essay, there were overlapping points of comparison information that you neglected to discuss. While I can understand why you stuck to the most obvious discussion points, extra points are awarded in the actual test when comparison and discussion points for the not so obvious areas of the graph are presented by the student. I hope that you can fix the paragraph formatting in your next essay. If possible, try to make more analytical comparisons at a higher level with your forthcoming practice essay.

Writing Feedback / [IELTS TASK 2] _Viability of GM foods to meet demand of growing population [4]

Ali, why are you questioning the plausibility of using GM food in your essay when you are being asked to discuss the extent of your agreement or disagreement with the presented point of view? Your discussion does not follow the logic being required of you by the original prompt. It deviated from the original discussion because you decided to discuss a topic that is nowhere near the given prompt requirement. Therefore, this essay is not going to get a passing grade, on any level in an actual test. Your line of reasoning would have been acceptable if you had properly addressed the paraphrasing and opinion statement at the end of your first paragraph. Due to the difference in what you presented there, when compared with the original requirements, you would have immediately failed the TA portion of the test. Once you fail the TA section, it becomes very difficult to pull up your score with the remaining criteria in order to get a passing score.

Writing Feedback / The pie chart compares the proportion of energy production in four different energy sources [3]

Abu, when you write the summary overview, always make sure that you do it as a complete paragraph that indicates all of the information required for comparison in the discussion. The overview summary should have, in this instance, included the following:

1. Type of chart provided
2. Inclusive years of consideration
3. types of material to be measured (gas, coal, petrol, etc.)
4 . type of measurement
5. Discussion instructions (make comparisons where relevant, summarize important points, etc.)

You included a number of considerations in your discussion but missed out on the discussion instructions and types of material to be measured. The format for the presentation must be in complete paragraph form in order to meet the C&C considerations, so you need to have come up with at least 3 sentences in the summary. Any shorter and you lose points in the scoring process.

When you deal with charts that give you exact numbers or amounts of data, you must present it as factual instead of an estimation. Estimation sentences work best in graph presentations because the number indicated always fall within an "in-between" value thus an estimation, rather than an exact figure should be presented.

Rather than having just a single line for the trending discussion, you should have tried to further develop it by indicating the trend for the other remaining energy types as well. Doing so would have shown a deeper analysis of the given image and create a pocket of higher scoring consideration for you in the final run-down.

Your work in this essay is acceptable and may even garner you a passing score. There is room for more improvement in your work with regards to data presentation and analytical procedures. I suggest that you focus on developing those weak points in your future practice tests.

Writing Feedback / Everyone should become vegetarian [6]

Phong, your representation of the paraphrased prompt is engaging and shows that you have a strong background in the world of vegetarianism. You have successfully "hooked" the reader into delving deeper into what you have to say about the topic. By the way, it is alright to use the term "we" in this instance. You are representing common knowledge in your statements and thus a reference to such is acceptable in the essay. A collective representation of fact is acceptable because it shows that you are doing an inclusive discussion and are engaging the reader to "agree" with your opinion. It is a term that is often used when one is trying to actively persuade a person to his belief.

You can safely ignore the advice given by the previous poster regarding the use of pronouns if you wish to. I have already explained why your use of "we" in this instance is correct and acceptable. If the essay had clearly stated that you should "state your own opinion", then you should have only stuck to the first person pronouns. In this instance, you are using a persuasive essay discussion so your decision to use "we" is acceptable and the correct term to use.

Now, the essay is asking you to discuss whether you agree or disagree with the opinion provided. Since there is no "extent of" instruction in the essay, you need not have stated "absolutely" in the disagreement. A simple disagreement would have sufficed. You don't need strongly worded emotional words to describe something if it is not required in the prompt.

The essay should have only discussed one opinion. Like I said, the persuasive discussion was the most appropriate approach for this essay. Doing the comparison essay did not accurately respond to the prompt requirements since you were not asked to "compare both points of view and present an opinion." You were merely asked to defend your stance of either agreement or disagreement with the given statement. Therefore, the main intention of the essay is to explain to the reader or persuade the reader regarding your point of view.

Writing Feedback / Essay about the punishment for children [3]

Chan, your essay is not very understandable. The English sentences that you developed are not coherent and lack a sense of logic in the presentation. I think you are thinking in Chinese and then simply typing out the corresponding words in English, whether it is applicable to the sentence you are developing or not. Your essay lacks a solid flow of discussion because at the start, you say you do not agree to punishments, but then your later paragraph seems to indicate an agreement with using physical punishments. You need to present 3 discussion points clearly for this essay:

1. Why you disagree with physical punishment;
2. Why you believe that non physical punishment is better;
3. An example of the effectiveness of non physical punishment.

I am not sure at this point if you are just writing a practice essay for English class or for an English test. If this is for an English test, then the essay will not pass at all.

Writing Feedback / Should a city try to preserve its old buildings or replace them with modern buildings? [4]

Phuc, we cannot help you to fix the essay because it is not fixable. You are not capable of forming even the simplest coherent English sentence, the spelling of more than 80 % of the words are wrong, and your statements do not make sense because the grammar and sentence formation is inaccurate. It would be best for you to not try to write these essays yet and instead, work on translating Vietnamese to English words and sentences first. It seems that you are not in a position to pass the test yet. You first need to learn how to properly think in English and spell the English words. That can only be done once you are comfortable thinking in two languages simultaneously. That means, you need to be able to think in Vietnamese, then translate it almost instantly to English in the proper English context. If you cannot do that, then you create essay an such as this, which will most definitely not get a passing score. I wish I could help you with fixing the problems this essay has but in order to do that, I would have to rewrite the whole thing and I just don't have the time to do that as other students are also waiting for my review of their essays. Please, take my advice under consideration and delay your taking of the English test. You need to start with rudimentary English learning first.

Undergraduate / The Story of ANOTHER placement test (Essay for the Common Application) [2]

Peter, could you just summarize the story about the test? It became the focal point of the essay that you wrote when the prompt requirement was for you to discuss how the event helped you to learn something new about yourself. Say, for example, how the constant doubt and testing developed a sense of resiliency and resolve in you when it comes to the way that other people view you. The way that you come across in the essay is not very nice. You sound like you want to "stick it to the man" during more than one instance in the essay. As a person who is writing this essay for a person in authority in a different university, that may not bode well for your application. You need to come across as kind, understanding, willing to compromise. Not irritated and angry at the persons in authority. Tone down the character that you are presenting in this essay. I am not saying you have to be submissive or meek, just cordial and considerate to a certain degree. That way the story develops in a manner that portrays the incidents as being an asset to you in terms of character development.

Writing Feedback / The emissions of carbon dioxide (CO2) in metric tonnes per person [Ielts] [4]

@wuchunhung0927 You still have a problem with the paraphrasing of the information in the summary overview. Remember that it has to indicate the type of graph used, the overview of vital information to be discussed, and the required discussion instructions. The trending sentence should have been incorporated into the third paragraph in order to create a more solid and complete paragraph presentation. Since the graph illustration was not uploaded with your essay, I can't speak as to the validity of the rest of the information you present in the essay. Don't forget to do that next time. That is the reason why, even tough you request for me to score your essay, I am unable to do so. I don't have the comparison instructions to analyze your work with. In general though, you seem to have created a thorough enough presentation. As to the accuracy of the presentation, I cannot really determine that at this point. If you don't forget to upload the image with your next essay, I should be able to provide you with a better analysis of your work then.

Writing Feedback / Do you agree or disagree with the following comment? Sometimes it is better not to tell the truth. [3]

Thao, grammar issues, which are minimal in consideration, aside, this is a very well thought out and defended essay. You accurately summed up the discussion points that strengthened your position presentation. However, I caution you against trying to present too many sides to the issue in one paragraph. It limits your ability to show off your English thinking skills. It is more important to show off the fact that you can accurately express yourself in English than to show off your knowledge about a certain topic. It is enough to show one reason and discuss that thoroughly because the examiner will get a clearer idea as to the level of English thinking and writing skills that you have. You don't get to successfully do that in this presentation. Good work though. You have the potential to pass the TOEFL with a high rating if you continue to practice and improve your skills in the coming days and months.