Scholarship / NYC Student Looking for Union Help to Be a UX/UI Designer [2]

Britt, have you given any thought to appealing to the union for the scholarship based a little bit upon the work your mother has been doing as well? This is essay speaks very highly of your self drive to stay in college no matter the cost. That is admirable but, since this grant is coming from the work your mother is doing, then you should at least mention something about her and how much she has tried to help you financially but even then, the finances fall short. Which is why she thought of asking you to approach her union for help. Appeal to the sense that the union has been helpful to your family thus far and at this point, you are hoping that they will extend the help a little bit more to cover your college education as well.

Like I said, this is a pretty impressive essay but it focuses too much on your self pride and sense of independence. It has to show that your mother has somehow influenced your desire to seek a grant from the Union because your family and your self determination can only take you so far. Prove that by helping you, the union will also be helping your mother and your family as well.

Try to revise the essay to be balanced between how the union can help you, which is sorely lacking at this point. Too much prologue was given in the first 4 paragraphs instead of going directly to the point. Base the essay on facts of your case and less on creative writing techniques. The reviewer doesn't have the time to read all of that backstory when it doesn't relate directly to how the scholarship can help you. If you worked part time and it distracted you, then open the essay exactly with that. Don't waste time. In fact, with a minimum word count of 500, I suggest that you do not write more than that. If you really just get down to the bare necessities of this essay, 500 words will be more than sufficient to achieve the task.

Writing Feedback / "Should state college tuition be free?" Hi All, Can you help me to correct this paragraph [8]

Ashkan, you have the worst practicing method for an English test. Do you know that as an academic consultant, I am unable to follow the flow of conversation in your essay because you are not posting it in full for me to review? You are wasting my time because each time I review your essay, and this time, you did not even bother to provide the prompt again and include the first paragraph that you wrote, I have to recall what I advised you the first time? This essay sounds like a new opening statement to me.

It does not feel like it is part of a real essay. It feels like another draft of another opening statement. It does not gel well with what you previously wrote. Always write your essays completely so that you can be given an accurate review of your overall work. You are not helping yourself when you have me check your work by paragraph.

You also tend to get confused. Which is why your current paragraph became a misdirected opening statement instead of a body paragraph of the original prompt. I would like you to completely write this essay first, then come back here and then ask for a complete review. It is impossible to give an accurate review of your work in this manner. It simply is not done. This method of writing is not helping you nor developing any of the skills you need to master before your test.

Don't be afraid to post the whole essay. Good or bad, that is the work that you developed and I can help you become a better writer from that point. Not from this point you have given me to work with. My apologies for being so blunt. This is the only way I can help you realize how much time and potential you are wasting by working on your practice tests this way.

Writing Feedback / The graph below compares changes in the birth rates of China and the US between 1920 and 2000 [3]

Admittedly, there will be complex graphs and simple graphs to discuss in the actual test. Since these topics are randomly chosen per test taker, you will not know which kind you will get. I can however, assure you that the graph you will be given will allow you to complete the test within 20 minutes. You don't need to write a full 5 sentences if you feel that 3 sentences will do. This essay is testing your analytical and writing skills, so you should make sure to practice condensing the essays during your off time. The best way to practice condensing essays is by reading non-IELTS material and then summarizing that content. In theory, any topic can be condensed into 3 sentences at a minimum, depending upon the kind of presentation that you choose to use.

I would like to improve your use of words but I simply cannot do that at this point because of the complexity of the graph and your essay. Let me just say that you have chosen appropriate words to describe certain points of the graph. This shows that you have tried to increase your knowledge of the English language and its word meanings. Therefore, your LR and GRA score will receive a higher consideration than normal. Another tip, learn when you should use connecting words and comma's to connect your discussions. When the flow of thought can be continuous because the discussion is related, then use a comma or connecting words in the paragraph to shorten the presentation.

Good work overall. Keep writing like this and you are sure to pass this section of the test with flying colors. You have impressed me with your analytical ability. Going back to the condensation discussion, you can further improve your work by practicing outside of the class. Set the timer and push yourself to write appropriately within 30 minutes. Learning to write in a condensed manner does not happen overnight. It takes, skill and continuous practice. When are you taking the test? You just may have enough time to develop that skill to some level through the out of class practice sessions.

Writing Feedback / Toefl Writing, Television should be used to instruct people rather than to entertain them [4]

Matthew, you do not need to write an introduction for your original prompt statement each time. As a seasoned academic consultant, I know how to analyze these original prompts so all you have to do is post it directly. I know how to handle it. You waste too much space and time with the current presentation that you have and I have many other students to assist here so please, make my job easier and don't explain the prompt. Just post it. It will save me a lot time in reviewing your essay. Thanks.

Even with the division that you did in the presentation of the prompt, I was not misled into thinking that your opening statement followed the prompt requirements. You are missing important elements because of the presentation that you made in the paraphrase. You have a tendency to talk too much when you need to be talking directly to the reader. You have only 30 minutes to finalize this essay. Don't waste it by making your essays too wordy. That will cost you in terms of scoring when the quality of your work is considered. A direct approach for the discussion is best. Don't make it too short however that you end up with only 2 sentences. That will not increase your score. The safest and most time effective number of sentences to write is 5 per paragraph. It's easy to remember the ratio is "5:5" Let me address your shortcomings in the essay by starting with a proper paraphrase for your prompt:

There is a belief that television should be used to educate people. Others believe that television should only be used to entertain themselves. When asked for my opinion regarding this discussion, I would have to say that I disagree with the statement that television should be used only to educate people based on a number of considerations. This essay will discuss those considerations and reasons, supported by examples to help illustrate my discussion.

Please take note of how all of the prompt discussion points are included in this opening statement. Also, notice how I gave my opinion but did not actually begin the discussion of that opinion in this paragraph. That is very important because the essay has a limited sentence allotment due to time constraints so it is best to always keep the actual discussion for the body of paragraphs.

Once again, you have made the mistake of using the concluding statement to represent your personal opinion. Why do you do that? The concluding statement must only wrap up the discussion by reiterating the previous conversation. The whole essay was already about your opinion so there was no need for you to suddenly become specific about it in the concluding statement. You just needed to repeat the prompt, sum up the discussion points you presented, and repeat your support for the point of view that you have chosen.

This essay is good but lacks focus and proper formatting. I hope that you will show more improvement in your next practice test. I look forward to reading it.

Scholarship / What is one value you have that cannot be compromised? [5]

Ngo, your inquisitiveness is not a topic that I feel is correct for this discussion. The question posed is not one of interest or character trait but rather one of a moral compass. What is your moral belief about something? Why do you believe that? In an instance when you will be asked to compromise say, your principles about cheating during an exam, would you do it? Why or why not? A sense of inquisitiveness is not something that is compromised each person is inquisitive and it often leads him into certain situations, but nobody ever asks you to compromise that character trait. In fact, it is encouraged in people because it is a learning experience that helps one develop a moral compass. Which is the whole point of this essay. Think of your moral compass and what you would be willing to compromise. Make a list. From that list, is there a sense of decency that you feel you cannot violate for some reason? If you find the answer to that question, then you have found something of value to you that cannot be compromised.

Scholarship / If you could know the answer to anyone question in the world, what would it be? Why? [3]

Ngo, you have written a series of opening statements. You have not written a response essay. A response essay needs to have the one single question presented in the opening paragraph and then the proposed responses following that. If your question is "What is the purpose of life?" then the second paragraph should begin by giving a basic response to that question. For example, you could explain about what life means to you. Then have a paragraph about the religious meaning, the social meaning, the cultural meaning, and so on and so forth. You get the idea. The essay should be explaining various factors behind the meaning of life and why people tend to believe these definitions. You have a good start. The opening statement is eye catching and immediately begins to inform the reader. The rest of the essay though, is simply a series of over extended thesis statements. I strongly urge you to delete those paragraphs and instead, go directly into an informative discussion of the question.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL essay- Write a letter about your experience in a foreign country [5]

Amin, this letter requires a touch of cultural difference beyond the obvious. It is a very sad letter that makes one think about why you continue to stay in a country that you do not enjoy being in. While it shows off your culture in a very personal way, one would expect to read a more balanced letter that takes the time to indicate more than just good news about your studies. The letter asks you to consider what makes you stay in the United States despite the cultural differences. Your letter needs to portray what you enjoy the most about being in America, even as you pine for your Moroccan world. After you discuss visiting the Moroccan home in America, discuss the excitement or interest that you had at having visited an American family as well. Were you welcomed? Did your English speaking peers go out of their way to try and make you feel welcome on the country? How would you compare the Moroccan hospitality to the American? Are you settling into the new culture of this new world? These are but some of the cultural references that you could have made in your essay that would have resulted in a balanced, informative, and more prompt responsive letter for this task. You did good work, but it should have been even better with the inclusion of a few more considerations.

Writing Feedback / People treat their birds, cats, dogs as a part of family. [2]

Ngo, the next time that you post an essay for review here, please include the original prompt that you are responding to. It will help me to better assess the work that you did in terms of task accuracy and discussion type. At this point, I cannot do that with this essay. I can however, tell you that you did pretty good work on this essay. You made yourself understood the reader and there no point in the essay when I did not understand what you were trying to say. Having said that, I have to point out the two mistakes that you made in this essay. The first, is in the opening statement where you paraphrased the prompt topic but then proceeded to discuss the 3 reasons that you were going to use to justify your personal opinion. You are not allowed to present facts in the opening statement for the simple reason that the opening statement is meant to only be an outline of the discussion. Once you begin to present facts, you need to fully develop those discussions. That is why the actual presentation of facts are left for the body paragraphs. In the opening statement, you should have stopped at the point where you indicated that you were going to discuss 3 reasons to support your claim. This is the same problem that occurred in your closing paragraph. You continued to discuss an additional reason instead of closing the statement with a summary of the previous discussion, which is the required content for the closing paragraph.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2: The low birth rate and its effects in the future [3]

Hung, when you paraphrase the original information in the essay, do not make up information about it. When you said


, that was not indicated in the original prompt. Therefore, you are delivering inaccurate information to the examiner and as such, will be marked down for it. Your paraphrase must always contain only a representation of the actual information in the original prompt. Do not add information not included in the basis of the essay.

You have developed the paragraphs in the wrong manner as well. This essay must have 5 fully developed statement paragraphs. Not two short and one extremely long paragraph. Each paragraphs are required to have up to 5 sentences each only. So don't bundle your thoughts into one paragraph. Divide it into topic paragraphs and make sure that you have thoroughly discussed the essay. Under no circumstances should you present half developed thoughts such as the one that abruptly ended in the first part of the second paragraph. Simply saying, "In addition to this" does not complete the presentation of ideas and reasons in the previous sentence. You left that sentence hanging.

Basically, this essay needs a lot of work in terms of presentation and paragraph development. It is still early enough for you to be able to make adjustments to your writing style. Please do so in order to become more prompt responsive in your future practice essays and the actual test itself.

Writing Feedback / Essay about TOEFL question 'Having time alone is the most ideal way to relax and relieve stress' [3]

Matthew, a TOEFL essay test has only 5 paragraphs, with 5 sentences at a maximum for each paragraph. You overdid in your essay. You have 6 paragraphs and you never referred to personal information in your essay as required. You even went to the extent of doing research in order to refer to the studies done by Frankl. These are the major problem points in your essay. When you are asked to provide relevant examples and reasons, you need to refer to your popular culture knowledge and personal experience. Not research because you in the testing center, all the computers will be locked down to a WLAN. You won't find any exterior internet connection there. Also with 30 minutes to outline, draft, proofread, and finalize the content of your essay, even if you had the internet connection, you wold not have enough to do actual research. The examiners prefer personal experience information because this shows a more expanded example of your English comprehension and grammar skills when it comes to sentence development. You did not do a proper job in representing the prompt requirements in your essay so don't expect to receive a good score for this type of work if you choose to try and do it this way in the actual test.

Writing Feedback / "Who have to pay for the care of the elders? Government or family ?" [3]

Matheus, you failed to provide us with the complete prompt instructions for your essay so I cannot conduct a complete review of your essay. The instructions help me to figure out what course of discussion your essay was supposed to take. I have to caution you about simply repeating the question as indicated in the original prompt. You are not allowed to pose questions in your essays, only direct statements. Rephrase that question into a statement. Always use statements, never questions when presenting your discussion angle. As for the accuracy of your response, without the prompt, I am unable to say whether you did that properly or not. However, your essay is good. A bit difficult to understand at times due to the GRA issues but still, an overall simple and acceptable job. The one problem that your essay has is that you are not consistent in your paragraph presentations. Always aim for 3-5 sentences because that is the standard requirement for these essay tests. You still have a long way to go before you can get a passing score in the essay but you should get there with continued practice. Please don't forget to give me the prompt instructions that accompanies your next essay practice test. Thanks.

Writing Feedback / Crime must be punished, the question is how? IELTS [4]

@near9 You did explain 2 opinions in your essay. But you did not discuss the opinions as dictated by the original prompt. The discussion instruction calls for you to discuss 3 points:

1. The pro side
2. The con side
3. Your personal opinion

What I saw in your essay were only 2 discussion points:
1. The pro side
2. Your personal opinion

This means missed that you totally missed a full paragraph discussion in relation to the con side. Sadly, your statement / opinion of support for the con side would have received a better score had you completed the 3 body paragraph discussion requirement.

Additionally, your paraphrased prompt does not accurately paraphrase the original prompt and discussion method either. Never present your opinion in that portion. These isn't room to develop your response. That is the academic rule regarding paraphrasing in these exams.

It is because of the missing paragraph and the mistake in the paraphrasing that this essay will not be able to score higher than a 5. Always make sure that all of the prompt requirements are satisfied in the essay before you submit it. Count the number of discussions in the body paragraph that are required and make sure you have the same number of discussion points in the essay. That will at least make your response task accurate and improve your score in that section.

Writing Feedback / IELTS task1 Divorced rates in Finland and Sweden in a bar chart [3]

Hi Wendy, your essay does have a few problems that would lower your task accuracy score in the scoring criteria. The required summary overview doesn't properly detail the given information and yes, you will lose points for not discussing every year indicated in the chart. The reason that this is a summary essay is because it has to summarize, in detail, the information from the bar graph. You took a shortcut in the presentation and that will cost you in terms of task accuracy. You also lost an opportunity to better show off your English grammar skills because of the missing discussion points. Please allow me to show you how you could have received a better TA score in this essay through a well developed opening summary:

A bar chart was provided for this essay indicating the divorce rates in the European countries of Finland and Sweded. The divorce rate information was collated from 2011 to 2015. This essay will summarize the given information through the reporting of the main percentage features per year in each country. Comparisons will also be made whenever required.

In this proper format, you will notice that only the pertinent instructions and discussion information were outlined. The presentation does not allow for the inclusion of actual facts and data as yet because the outline for discussion, which will serve as the reader's guide, has yet to be finalized for presentation. That is done in the body paragraphs of the essay instead. This is a standard requirement and does not change for the IELTS Task 1 test.

My breakdown for your score, based upon the aforementioned mistakes in it would be as follows:

TA - 4 due to the incomplete summary outline
LR - 5 because of mistakes in word usage such as "this" instead of "these"
C&C - 5 since you did not pause to create separate sentences that could have been better understood.
GRA - 5 since you tried to develop complex sentences when what you should have been doing was presenting better developed simple sentences.

All of these paragraphs should have at least 3 sentences in them as per the minimum sentence requirement for essays. You have too many run on sentences in the essay because you used commas to separate your discussion. The period is more effective to use because it allows the reader to truly pause in order to accurately consider the statement information. Your final score could probably be anywhere from a 5 to a 5.5.

Undergraduate / UFC Application Question on activities and Essay on my interest in UCF [5]

Jen, for the extra curricular activity part, you can't just enjoy the volunteer service, there needs to be a definitive statement as to how this activity has either helped to shape your character or, is the reason why you decided to pursue a specific college degree. A simple adjustment is required that will reflect the importance of this volunteer activity to you on a more serious scale. The depiction is too light and does not add a sense of importance to your volunteer activities in relation to your career choices or personal development.

As for the Why UCF question, don't ever tell the reviewer that you want to go to that university because you love taking vacations there. The first thing that will enter the reviewer's mind is that you are not a serious student and that you are looking for a party university to attend. Keep that information to yourself. You can share that with others after you have been admitted to the university. Don't lay too much importance on the videos that you watched and how the students looked. The reason that carries more weight is the first hand information that you got from your cousin. That will be the perfect response to the prompt, you just need to build up the information on it.

Writing Feedback / [IELTS TASK 2] Traffic congestion - the proposition of solution [4]

Bruce I believe that your score for this essay will not be more than a 1. That is because your response is totally unrelated to the task provided. You did a comparison discussion when you were being asked to defend a single opinion on the matter. The single opinion was to be discussed and defended through the presentation of the extent of your agreement or disagreement with the essay. Your prompt paraphrasing was confusing and your opinion as presented was wrong. Using the original prompt requirement, your paraphrasing and task sentence should have been as follows:

The problem of traffic congestion is something that the government has a hard time solving. Some believe that the traffic congestion problem can be easily resolved if the government would just offer free public transport on a 24 hour daily basis. I am not in agreement with this opinion to a certain extent due to several factors that I will be presenting in this essay.

Please note how I paraphrased the prompt using keywords from the original. This proves that I understood the topic for discussion and also, have a good enough grasp of English words so that i could accurately use them in sentences in my paraphrased statement. My discussion sentence also shows that I understand the instructions provided and that I had a clear opinion to be discussed later in the essay. These elements some of the most important considerations when writing an IELTS Task 2 essay. Try to use more keywords in your next practice test. I do not doubt that your score will improve immensely once you learn to use the keywords to your benefit.

Essays / How to write UC essays, especially prompt 1 describe leadership experience? [3]

Judy, I hope that you have done some sort of community service over the past years in preparation for your college application essays. The leadership experience essay can only be properly responded to if you have the correct leadership experience to reflect the requirements of the essay. You see, in the leadership experience essay, you are expected to display skills that show how you handle stressful situations, discord among people, and unexpected changes in plans. Kind of like a typical college student life. Think of a time when you found yourself in a leadership position. Maybe during a particularly problematic class project. Can you recall what those circumstances were? Do you remember how you dealt with it? What was the outcome of the situation? These are the questions to consider when responding to this essay. Don't forget to mention the name of the project or organization that you worked with at the time. Displaying your leadership skills will help to prove that you are ready to be a college student at one of the most important universities in the US. So think long and hard about how you plan to highlight those character traits or skills of yours.

Graduate / Forensic Psychology Entrance Essay - relationship with a person of different behaviour [3]

Caitlin, this is a highly personal essay for you to be writing as part of your application process. It really shows the relationship that you have with the your mother and how it affected you. I just feel that the description section did not fully develop the drunken personality of your mother. The essay does not seem to balance the description of your mother, the development of her addiction, and how it affected you. There is too much reference to "me" in the essay which means you are mostly describing yourself instead of your mother. You need to focus the essay on what is really important and that is, describing who your mother was before her addiction so that you can heighten the sense of disappointment that you developed when the addiction took over her life. Balance the essay by first, showing the good, the in-between, then the bad. That way, we get a clearer picture of who your mother is and how the downward spiral occurred. That can be the "hook" that tells the reviewer that you have an interesting story to tell rather than opening by stating a fact.

Graduate / What is professionalism in the context of a physical therapy doctorate program? [4]

Roger, this essay is far longer than it actually should be. The only part of this essay that actually responds to the prompt is the final part. Which discusses professionalism directly. Your essay should make that your opening statement instead. Then you can expand on the content of that paragraph by discussing it in greater detail in relation to the PT doctorate program. Your previous work experiences are not valid in this discussion because you are discussing a different area of physical care. Focus your response on what you understand of PT and what the professionalism in that area entails. Read on the topic. Discover what professionalism in that context means. We have sample essays here that you can read in relation to that prompt that can help you better understand what sort of essay you are supposed to write. I strongly suggest you use those are your templates for your revised essay. This essay relies too much on your other background. The information you indicated about that line of work belongs in either a personal statement or statement of purpose instead. You can only use the last paragraph of this essay to begin working on the 2nd draft of your essay.

Writing Feedback / [IELTS TASK 2] (Agree and Disagree) Books and televisions [4]

Hang, the agreement that you have with the opinion should have been indicated in a proper manner in the opening statement. Your discussion of the topic ran counter to the official prompt that was provided because you did not indicate that you agreed with the opinion of the original prompt. Instead, you delivered a straight opinion. Rather than a straight opinion, you should have said "I agree with this opinion up to a certain point and will discuss the reasons why below."

By not accurately paraphrasing the prompt, the end result was a different essay discussion for the topic provided. In which case, you would be scored down considerably in the Task Accuracy portion of the essay. While your discussion did support the stance that you chose for the essay, the misrepresentation in the opening statement discussion type sentence is what affected the ability of this essay to get a higher score.

Additionally, the presentation of additional information as a concluding paragraph will also affect the TA of this essay because, I am sure you have been told this before, new information cannot be discussed in the concluding statement as that is meant to serve the same purpose as the opening statement, only it is placed at the end of the essay to test your English writing and paraphrasing skills.

Undergraduate / UWC application - about an activity and its effect on own development [3]

Van, I know that this essay has a maximum character or word requirement, which is why you are worried. Don't be. The essay that you wrote is good but disorganized. Let me show you how you can better organize this response in order to make it more coherent and targeted towards the prompt:

My trip to Que Huong Charity Center on October 15, 2016 with my organization, (name of organization), truly had an impact on my development. Housing 30 disabled and 341 orphaned children, our 9 member group trekked 27 kilometers from Ho Chi Minh to Di An, Binh Duong. Upon our arrival, we donated food and basic necessities while also helping the staff take care of children. Seeing their living conditions and need for love, care, and affection helped me understand the life of the disadvantaged. I came to realize what a lucky person I am and have since, devoted myself to helping better the lives of others in my community.

You can use this version that I made for you if you want. Otherwise, it is your template for editing your statement. Good luck with your application !

Undergraduate / How to call out my identity? Common Application prompt 1 - Personal Statement [6]

Jen, so that you can continue to use / develop this essay for your use in your college application, I believe that it is not the essay that you have to adjust but rather, change the prompt you are responding to. At this moment, the essay feels like a square peg trying to fit into a round hole. It doesn't make sense. However, if you change the prompt you are responding to, then the essay will make sense. I am suggesting that you change your prompt instead of the following:

Discuss an accomplishment, event, or realization that sparked a period of personal growth and a new understanding of yourself or others.

As I reviewed your essay, I felt that you did a pretty good job on developing it but you were using it for the wrong prompt. If the university you are applying to will allow you to use the aforementioned common app prompt, then I suggest you do so that your essay will be better suited in content to the prompt requirement. Using the aforementioned prompt, you can edit the content of your essay to reflect the realization aspect of your Multipotentialite capabilities.

Writing Feedback / My most unforgettable meal [4]

Jessie as a simple statement that describes a meal that you remember, this essay is sufficient. It delivers all the required elements that describes the meal in a quick manner. It is direct to the point and gives the reader and engaging enough overview that would "hook" his interest. I take it that you were not asked to write a full length essay and instead, you were just asked to provide a statement of an unforgettable meal? If so, then this is a pretty good summary of that event.

Was there a word count limit? From the length and complete details of the statement, not essay that you wrote, then you did a pretty good job. However, you neglected to pay attention to the grammatical rules regarding time continuity. Since this is an event that happened in the past, you need to make sure that all of your references to actions taken are in the past tense form. That way your paragraph becomes coherent to the reader. For a practice statement, this has some negligible flaws. All you have to do is take note of the flaws as provided so that you can remember not to make the same mistake when you practice writing another response statement.

Graduate / Why MBA, why Goodman? Comments for The Statement of Interest - application for MBA [4]

Emily, don't worry about any grammar problems in your essay. The reviewer knows you are not a native speaker and will allow or compensate for any minimal errors in your writing. However, the reviewer will not compensate or understand why your reason for studying an MBA is not clear in the essay.

Consider that you are asked a very specific question, "Why do you want an MBA?". That should be responded to in the first paragraph of your opening statement. Rather than giving a lengthy background of your employment history, pick out the moments during your history that gave you difficulties. Relate these difficulties with the fact that you lacked ample training in Business Administration and then tie the two together as the reason why you want an MBA.

Your interest in Goodman does not really deliver a personal interest in the university. The description is so short that it almost seems like you do not have a personal interest in the choice of university. Neither does it show what kind of criteria you used when choosing your MBA university. That is what the reviewer wants to read, a detailed explanation of why you chose Goodman over the others.

The essay does not have any representation of your short and long terms goals. The short term goals have to do with your career plans immediately after completing your studies. Anywhere from 3-5 years will suffice. While the long term goals should include any details of your future study and career plans covering a 10 year period. So that means, the 5 years after you graduate from Masters School. The long term plans can be hypothetical. The reviewer just wants to be certain that you will actually finish the MBA course and that it ties in with your future career plans.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1 - LINE GRAPH - Number of inhabitants in the Oregon, USA (with picture) [2]

@CHIHYULIN while I appreciate the url for the graph that you provided, it is a must that you instead upload the image to the site along with your posting because it makes it easier for me to compare the work that you did with the pop-up window of the image itself. It is difficult to be moving from one tab to another while reviewing the image and the essay that you wrote. Please take note of that next time. It is also safer for all computers of all the users of this forum because exterior links are not checked for viruses by our system so we could could lose our computer access in case of an infection. Please do not post a url link in your next essay. Upload the photo instead.

Your overview summary is incomplete. It lacks information about which 3 counties are being used in this line graph study. There was also a lack of indication of the number of population in the Thousands. You will lose points for that. The overview should be at least 3 sentences long. It should be compressed into a singular paragraph as you did in this instance. If you had properly represented the information from the graph, then you would have had a more complete summary overview for the opening statement and scored higher.

The second paragraph is short by one sentence of the minimum requirement. You still failed to mention the other 2 states that were included in the study and you misspelled the word "rise" as "rice". I am sure you know the difference in the meaning of the two words. That is self explanatory. You could have combined that second paragraph with the third paragraph in order to develop a more coherent and concise presentation of your information. You forgot to mention that the population was equal in 1940 for Yamhill and Columbia.

The final paragraph could have used more development by one sentence so that the essay could have had a better GRA score. You could have divided the 2nd sentence in order to create 2 separate but informative sentences that would have depicted a better analytical presentation on your part. For me, the more acceptable presentation could have been as follows:

By 2000 ... In contrast, the other two counties steadily increased in the population . However, the figures were both relatively lower than that of Washington.

Writing Feedback / Wealth and Power / Personal Growth - IELTS [2]

Anh, let me start by helping you with some advice about how to better develop an opening statement. You see, the opening statement is expected to represent your understanding of the original prompt requirements. One way of accurately doing this is by taking note of specific keywords in the essay. This will show that you analyzed the prompt requirements and properly considered the expectations of the discussion. In this case, the keywords to be used in the opening statement are : person's worth, social status, material possessions, old fashioned values, honor, kindness, trust, importance, extent of your opinion. By using the keywords in the opening statement development, you will prove that you understood the requirements and also, understand the meaning of the words. These lead to higher TA, LR, and GRA scores. Therefore, a more apt opening statement and subsequent discussion would have been:

People these days are no longer judged by their old fashioned values, honour, kindness and trust. Rather, they are viewed based upon their social status and material possession. This opinion is very popular these days when interacting with people. However, I find myself in partial disagreement with this statement due to some of my knowledge and experience regarding this topic. I will be discussing the extent of my disagreement within this essay.

I partially disagree with this essay on the basis of...

In addition to that discussion, I would like to add that...

Take for example...

In summation of this discussion...

Properly formatting your essay to the maximum 5 sentence requirement, focusing on only one topic per paragraph will see you writing at least 300 or more words that will help to increase the possibility of a higher TA, C&C, and GRA score for you. I don't recommend writing less than 3 sentences per paragraph, regardless of it being an opening statement, body, or conclusion because it is only by writing more in proper English that you can develop a better coherence and cohesiveness score.

Writing Feedback / Writing task 2 Is offering online courses a positive or negative development? [3]

Peter, once again you have proven that you are not even taking the time to fully understand what the prompt is asking you to discuss and in what manner. I do not know how many times I have to repeat this to you but, you really need to have some sort of idea as to how the essay is to be discussed. I am worried that you do not have ample English knowledge with which to properly understand the given topics and instructions for discussion because you have not shown any improvement in that problem areas over the number of practice tests that you have done. You need to take the understanding of the prompt seriously or risk definite failure in the actual test.

In this instance, you understood the topic, but then decided to discuss the drawbacks of online courses. Why are you discussing drawbacks when the prompt is asking you to consider if this is a positive or negative development? The drawbacks type of discussion is for a different prompt requirement. In this instance, you are supposed to discuss why you believe that online learning is a negative development, not a drawback. You were to choose either the positive or negative side and then discuss only that in the essay. You went into a whole other direction with the discussion which will definitely get you a failing score of 3 had this been an actual test.

Undergraduate / 'The laboratory is my second home' - University of Waterloo Engineering AIF [4]

Saad, your essay is entertaining to read but it doesn't respond accurately to the prompt requirements. There is no clear sense of your educational goals as a Chemical Engineer. You need to better develop an explanation regarding that second paragraph of yours. By the way, I would not use the first paragraph if I were you. It doesn't really direct the essay in the manner that it is supposed to. You are better off starting with your second paragraph, and developing it instead. Your decision to choose Waterloo is also not well explained beyond the common known information in the student brochures and websites. The reviewer will be looking for more interesting and unique information beyond that. Try to show that you have done some research regarding the chemical engineering program as it relates to Waterloo as a university. The information that you presented, specially the one about the numerous locations of the school doesn't really help to instill confidence that you know what you are getting into if you become a student at Waterloo.

Writing Feedback / Public health improvement by increasing the number of sports facilities.IELTS task2-cambridge8-test3 [5]

Nguyen, you cannot be accurately scored on this essay because of the incomplete original prompt instructions that you delivered. I know that thee are some advisers who say that 2 sentences in an opening and concluding statement is enough for the test. I have tutored many other students who follow my method of using at least 3 sentences in the opening and concluding statement in order to help increase their TA, LR, C&C, and GRA scores. They pass their tests with a band score of 7.5 and up. That is because they use the word count, paragraph requirement, and sentence requirement accurately enough to portray their English comprehension and sentence development skills. Your completed essay does not accomplish that. You are also missing a concluding statement in this essay. You only have 3 paragraphs in your essay which is not very good. In order to gain a higher score, you need to write at least 4 paragraphs or 300 words.

Now, since you did not include the instruction regarding the type of discussion that you are to present in your essay, I cannot advise you regarding corrections in that aspect. The method of essay writing as indicated in the prompt requirement would have helped me judge your essay on an overall basis. At this point, I can't even do it on a per criteria basis because I do not know if your approach to the discussion is within the required parameters of the instructions.

The missing concluding statement also prevents me from accurately judging your essay with a probable score. Please make sure to provide the full original prompt with your next essay if you want to be scored accurately on it. Right now, I can tell you that this essay has major development issues and missing elements so it will not get a passing score in an actual setting.

Writing Feedback / "Should state college tuition be free?" Hi All, Can you help me to correct this paragraph [8]

@Ashkan123 Are you writing just the introduction to a task 2 IELTS test? Or are you writing just for the sake of practicing. Your paragraph contains a line of run-on sentences. So you need to learn how to write shorter sentences within the 5 sentence limit. There is also the problem of you offering information in the opening statement without thoroughly developing the thought process and explanation. Make the opening statement just a restatement of the problem and the discussion points required along with the discussion method. Information presented in the opening statement cannot be well explained so you just have to present general terms in the introduction with the body of paragraphs containing the actual information you wish to discuss. In this case, your mistake was thoroughly presenting a little developed analytical discussion of the actual facts for discussion in the body. Don't make that mistake again regardless of whether it is for an English practice test or an actual research paper. In the meantime, here is my take on your opening statement. Please take note of my instructions for your succeeding opening statement discussion practices.

These days, employers have become more demanding of their employees. Each job now has complex requirements that require more than a rudimentary knowledge of a business or technical function. Each employee must have a specific skill set and advanced knowledge in certain areas of their profession. As such requirements now exist, an employee needs to be a college graduate with a major in his professional area. The problem, is that college is not free. Tuition fees are prohibitive in costs. Since people pay taxes to the government, some tax payers believe that their tax money should subsidize their or their children's college tuition to the point where enrolling in college becomes free for the student. Other taxpayers though, believe that subsidized or free education is not proper due to some financial considerations. In this research essay, information pertaining to both sides of the discussion will be presented for the consideration of the reader along with my personal insight on the matter.

Letters / You recently attended a meeting at a hotel. When you returned home, you found you had left some ... [2]

Vijay, you have misplaced your things after a conference, you cannot give just your first name to the hotel manager, he needs your whole name. That will help him confirm ownership of b he finds the list items. You also cannot claim that you came back home because you apparently need your lost passport to do that. You live in another country, so you can't claim to have gone home after the conference. You should have said " returned to my hotel room " instead. If you were attending a local conference, there would not have been a need for your passport and you could have claimed to have gone home after the conference. Basically, this is a badly worded and developed letter. You didn't consider proper information requirements when you wrote it. Neither did you proofread and review the letter prior to submission. This needs to be improved in terms of sentence structure and grammar. Use simple sentences instead of using complex sentences that you do not have control over developing instead. Look at online samples as to how to write this type of letter instead.

Writing Feedback / The extinction of languages and how to prevent it - IELTS [4]

Shirley, in the opening statement, you are requested to kindly paraphrase the original discussion topic and instructions from the original prompt. That serves as the part of the essay that proves your English comprehension skills. What you did in your essay was, you began an immediate, but unrelated discussion of the topic and instructions provided. What you wrote was a disadvantage/ disadvantage essay. You were being asked to write a single opinion essay based upon a degree of agreement / disagreement on the topic opinion presented. The correct format for the opening statement of this essay is:

As several languages become extinct over the passing years, there are some people who believe that the importance of these dead languages are of no importance. That is because with fewer languages in the world, life should become simpler. In this essay, I will discuss the degree of my disagreement with this statement based on several considerations.

Compare the way that I wrote the opening statement for your essay prompt against yours. Notice how key elements of the original essay are represented in my version which makes it totally different from yours? Those information are what created a more appropriate paraphrasing of the original prompt.

That unintentional mistake that you made in the paraphrasing was enough to change the whole slant of the essay. Causing you to discuss a totally unrelated topic from the original prompt requirements. Such an error in understanding the task requirements was costly for this essay. It forced me to score you a 1 because your answer is completely unrelated to the task originally assigned to you.

Writing Feedback / WRITING TASK 2: Every year several languages die out. [5]

Trang, when you are asked the extent of your disagreement, the last line of your outline paragraph should be "I disagree with this opinion due to several reasons to be discussed below." Your opinion is not warranted in the outline paragraph because that is only meant to be used to present the order of discussion of the paragraph topics. It does not leave room for an actual opinion discussion. That is always fully presented and discussed in the later paragraphs.

You cannot conclude an essay with an argument. An argument requires the additional presentation of facts which cannot be done in the concluding summary paragraph. So your essay only has a personal opinion statement at the end. It is also, an under developed personal opinion because it does not have any supporting information to assist in the claim that you are making through your argument. This does not qualify as a concluding statement. A concluding paragraph / statement just summarizes the preceding discussion in the same manner as the opening statement. Your essay doesn't do that so expect to be marked down for that missing paragraph.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2 - University purpose opinions [4]

Anh, your essay has a number of problems. The first, is that you did not properly outline the essay in the opening statement. While you did do a very good job at representing the two sides for discussion, you stopped short of doing 2 important things in the opening statement:

1. Indicate that you will be discussing both points of view in the essay;
2. Inform the reader that your opinion (without actually mentioning what it is) will be discussed towards the end of the essay.

Your presentation of reasons in the first paragraph is highly confusing. It seems to be discussing too many reasons all at once. What you should be doing is discussing only one point in a well presented and understandable manner to the reader. You do not need to present too many reasons in the essay. You just need to present one in every paragraph that the reader can easily understand. I can tell that you were trying to create complex sentences in your essay. Instead, you created unfocused sentences that often became run-on sentences instead. This is specially evident in the second and third paragraphs in the essay.

As for your personal opinion. You need to develop the discussion further because you only have 2 sentences of explanation which does not represent the mandatory 3 sentence minimum requirement per paragraph, including the concluding paragraph. The reason you are being asked to write up to 5 sentences is because that is the only way you can prove that you understand the instructions and that you are capable of making yourself understood to the reader when you write in English.

There is a lack of concluding statement in this essay. Most students often make the mistake of trying to have a very short personal opinion represent the concluding statement. Since you are expected to write by a certain academic standard, this type of writing is unacceptable. If you cannot present a paragraph at the end that represents a restated prompt discussion, summary of the discussion, and a reiteration of your personal opinion, then the essay will get a lower task accuracy score in the final consideration.

Writing Feedback / Some people think that teachers should be able to ask disruptive children to leave the class. Do you [3]

Hong, please remember to post the full prompt of the essay the next time you post. At this point, I am not sure about how to review your work because of the missing instructions. I have no way of telling how well you understood the discussion instructions and if you followed the discussion criteria because of the missing guidelines.

Overall, your essay lacks a coherent presentation. There is a lack of cohesiveness because you only mention several ideas in each paragraph without thoroughly discussing why you chose to discuss these subjects in relation to the prompt. Please consider opting to present only one well explained idea in the paragraph because you are being judged as to how well you can develop your related English sentences, not your knowledge of public opinion.

There is no relationship between your discussions and asking disruptive children to leave the class. You are talking about bullying while the prompt is just discussing an unruly child in class. There is a difference between a bully and an unruly child. This alone shows that you do not understand the discussion parameters, which I cannot explain to you because you did not include it in this presentation. This is not a very good essay. It has grammar structure and development problems that show a lack of ability to accurately develop simple English sentences. You have confusing sentences in every paragraph, and the discussions need more work. Even without the exact topic on hand, I can tell that this essay will not pass in an actual setting.

Writing Feedback / Ielts Writing task 2 - mandatory contribution to the society? [2]

Uyen, due to the fact that you did not provide the complete prompt instructions for this essay, I will be unable to give you an accurate total score for your writing. I need the full prompt instructions in order to decide upon the task accuracy portion of the essay. What I can do, is offer you a partial scoring based on the remaining 3 criteria. While it will not represent your overall score, you will know which problem areas you have in your essay.

Cohesiveness and Cohesion - 4
Lexical Resource - 3
Grammar Range - 3

While you did show that you understood the parts of the prompt that you posted here, you strongly showed a lack of control and understanding of how to use the English language to develop your response to the prompt. The overall essay was confusing, had punctuation errors such as commas followed by ellipses, and your flow of thought seemed to get derailed at times, making it confusing for the reader and difficult to determine what you are trying to say through your essay. Hopefully you will get better over your succeeding essays. I look forward to your practice tests. Note the problem points for now and try to improve upon them in the next essay.

Writing Feedback / Task 2. Write about: laziness and how it influences our life [3]

Phan, the essay is asking you to discuss the effects of laziness on your life, not the life of other people. Therefore the response that you wrote is incorrect. You wrote about a general observation regarding laziness instead of how laziness affects your own life. The approach to the essay should be as follows:

Everyone tends to be lazy some days, most days, or everyday. I am one of those people who tends to be lazy most of the day. While I realize that laziness prevents me from having a productive day, I still find that I cannot bring myself to accomplish necessary tasks and chores. Which leads to some very negative effects in my life.

Take for example, when I wake up in the morning, I lie in bed an additional half an hour. Even though my alarm clock keeps ringing, I keep on hitting the snooze button an extra ten minutes. The result, is a rushed start to the day. I end up late for school, late for my extra curricular activities, and late getting home.

What I wrote is an example of how you can start an essay with this topic. The focus of the essay should clearly be on you by indicating times when laziness has had a negative effect on your life directly. It should not refer to other people because the essay asks about the effect on you. So the pronouns, "Me, my, myself, I" will be in play for this essay.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Tesk 2 - Some people think that it is better to educate boys and girls in separate schools. [3]

Jo-an, you did a very good job at summarizing the topic and outline it for discussion. There is only one small mistake in the opening paragraph of your essay. That is, you were not supposed to present your opinion in the last line of the paragraph. That is because you have to expand upon your personal opinion in the discussion within 3-5 sentences. Since the opening discussion is only meant to outline the discussion topics, your last sentence should have merely indicated the opinion discussion instructed in the original prompt. For example, you could have said it in the following manner:

In this essay, I will be discussing the two points of view related to the topic. I will also be presenting my point of view regarding which method of education I feel is best suited for boys and girls.

Now, when you discuss the essay, Make it clear that your essay represents the point of view you will be discussing in the topic sentence at the start. You can say something like, "In consideration of exclusive school education for boys and girls..."and then for the next topic paragraph, start out with; "With regards to co-educational schools..." That way, in the opinion paragraph can state; "Based on these two opinions, I believe that..." This paragraph presentation makes the discussion clearer to the reader and makes it easier to follow.

Under absolutely no circumstances are you to use your personal opinion as a closing paragraph. This will result in a score down for you because you were not able to properly discuss the essay in the instructed manner. Always remember that the task 2 essay needs 5 paragraphs composed of:

1. Opening statement
2. Body paragraph 1
3. Body paragraph 2
4. Additional instructions discussion (personal opinion or point of view)
5. Closing statement

Never deviate from this format. This is how the essay must always be discussed regardless of the instructions. All these parts need to be represented in the essay. Also. make sure that all of your sentences are completely thought out and well presented in the essay. The following sentence does not make sense

Take music class for instance, boys and girls have different tones that were born in natural.

The reader cannot make sense of what you mean by "born in natural". Make sure that you always get your complete thought across. This is a confusing sentence.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task1 - Land degradation (Cambridge 8 Test 1) [4]

Zhiyuan, while you came in over the minimum word requirement, it is important that you learn how to fully develop your thought process in each paragraph. With only 2 sentences introduced per paragraph, you are only representing the obvious information in your essay instead of expanding upon your discussion with observations and additional information. A listing of the problems with your essay are:

1. In the opening summary, you neglected to include the types of land degradation in your overview, which made the discussion outline incomplete.
2. You should not indicate information in a parenthesis because you are expected to discuss, not mention, the represented information in the pie chart and chart columns.

3. In your analysis of the pie chart, you should have identified it as a pie chart describing the world wide degradation. There are keywords in the essay that you must note and use in order to show an analysis and full understanding of given diagrams.

4. All of your paragraphs are under the required 3 sentence minimum, 5 sentence maximum. You cannot expect to present a detailed analysis of any information with only 2 sentences. You need at least 3 to even partially do that.

Try to develop the points I noted above in your next practice test. You have done good work in this essay, you have the skill to be even better. Just remember that you need to find the small details that will help to show a better analysis of the given diagram.

Writing Feedback / My life in the United States. I need help with my college essay. [2]

Baki, the essay you wrote does not accurately detail the American Dream that you are pursuing. This is simply an autobiography of your life up to this point. The "American Dream" as you aptly put it, must discuss your life after you arrived in the United States. How you settled in, what your dreams are for your future, what obstacles are in your path, and how you have managed to overcome these in order to get to this point in pursuit of the dream. That is the general idea behind writing an "American Dream" essay. However, since this is for a college application, you should make sure that your essay is responding to the prompt requirement in the most accurate way possible. Since you did not provide the instructions for writing the college application essay with your written work, it is impossible to determine if you are within the required parameters of the application essay. Unfortunately, contributors are limited to only one free advice, per essay, per thread. If you wish to continue receiving advice for this essay, please contact the forum admin in order to make this thread "Urgent". If you do not make this thread "Urgent" all subsequent postings from you in this thread will be deleted as it will be considered multiple threads.

Writing Feedback / Childhood experience which leave lifelong Impressions [5]

Riti, please review your essay for punctuation mistakes. There are many instances when you use comma's rather than periods your writing. This results in difficulty for the reader when it comes to the reading of your paragraphs. When you do not properly space out your sentences with periods, the reviewer will have a difficult time reading your paper and understanding your presentation. You need to create more comprehensive statements that better relate to one another as well. The way that you present the discussion does not create a smooth presentation. It comes across as rough because some of your paragraphs are only 2 sentences long. When paragraphs are that short, it does not clearly deliver a meaning to the reader. Develop transition sentences at the end of the paragraphs in order to better move the reader from one paragraph topic to the next. Your topic is good, the presentation, somewhat interesting. If you apply the corrections I am suggesting, the essay should be better developed for final presentation.