Writing Feedback / Writing task 1: The percentage of 10-15 year-olds chatting online and playing games. [6]

Moon, the paragraph presentations you made are too short. You need to learn to use full stops instead of commas or continuously long sentences in your paragraph in order to meet the required 3 sentence minimum. Please make sure to enhance your summary statement by making it more informative and allowing for a more proper overview of the information provided. The work you have done shows that you rushed through the essay, did not properly assess the chart for additional information or comparison points, and neglected to do a thorough review of all the information presented for analysis. Based upon the obviously rushed and haphazard presentation of this essay, I do not doubt that the score of this will be extremely low. That is because you did not do what you had to do in order to create more complex sentences that would have proven your ability to create analytical presentation in written form using the English language.

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] INCREASING THE PRICE OF GAS AND ELECTRICITY IS WISE, IN MY OPINION! [3]

Minh, I am sad that you did not include the complete prompt requirements for this essay and instead chose to only present the discussion topic. As such, I am not sure about the method by which you should be presenting this essay for discussion. From the way that you presented the paraphrasing in the first paragraph, it seems that you were supposed to discuss both points of view and then give your opinion? Am I right about that? In which case, you did not accurately discuss the prompt requirements because you did not use public opinion to discuss the matter and you only focused on the pro discussion instead of presenting a balanced pro, con, then opinion discussion. Your paragraphs are too long and go beyond the 5 sentence maximum for discussion paragraphs. Your presentation, though long and informative, doesn't accurately present complex sentences due to the grammar accuracy problems. With this problems existing, it is still your task accuracy that worries me the most because that is the part of the essay that proves your ability to properly understand English instructions. Please post the complete prompt requirements next time you ask us for a review. That means, present the topic sentence and the discussion format required so that the review of your essay can be more accurate.

Writing Feedback / A movie that has inspired you and its impact on your life. Problem in usage and convention - CBEST [3]

The essay is a summary of the movie, it does not represent how its story elements and scenes inspired you to become a better teacher. In that context of the discussion, this essay has failed to deliver the expected information. There needs to be an extended representation of how it inspired you and the impact that the film events had in your life. Specifically, your professional life as a teacher. The summary of the movie should be covered in only 1 paragraph. Then, the elements that you identified with needs to be discussed in combined paragraphs that first, explains the scene that inspired you, then how you apply that inspiration and learning in your professional life. Discussing how your teaching style and your relationship with your students will also help to highlight the required inspiration and impact discussion. Overall, this essay doesn't deliver the impression that you understood what you were being asked to discuss. Granted that this movie inspired you to become a teacher. The discussion you should have then presented was how the movie has helped you to become a better teacher in actual practice after the theoretical training that you gained in order to become a licensed teacher.

Writing Feedback / Information about the private use of Internet, Cd player, mobile phone and home computer in the UK [2]

Alessandro, you have to always remember that you will lose points for writing single sentences instead of complete paragraphs. In order to score higher in all 4 sections of scoring, you must make sure to write at least 200 words in the overall essay. Each paragraph must be comprised of 3 sentences each. If you don't write at least 3 sentences each, you will not be able to prove your command of the English language in a written sense since you will be writing only the simplest of sentences and will appear to not even be trying to develop complex sentences and paragraphs, which offer you a higher score consideration. While your essay accurately summarizes the graph, the analysis portion is lacking based on all considerations. The complex sentences would have come from the proper analysis of the more intricate points of the essay. There were no representations of the overlapping comparisons per year or year on year, which could have set up a more complex representation of the essay and allowed you to be considered for a higher score evaluation.

Writing Feedback / Explain any risk you have taken in your life. Cbest level essay. [3]

Baljinder, this is a narrative form of essay writing. Therefore, there is no need to write such an academically formal concluding paragraph. The best point to have closed this essay would have been in the paragraph before the concluding paragraph that you wrote. It is important that you understand the kind of essay that you are being required to write before you write it because you need to make sure that your writing skills reflect the proper requirements of the essay type.

Admittedly, your English grammar skills are nowhere near academically acceptable due to the numerous flaws that were pointed out previously. However, if you had managed to write the essay in the expected manner, then you would have at least, presented the proper format for the essay. For the opening statement, you did not need to create such a flowery introductory statement. Simply stating the expected discussion would have been enough. Remember, you are writing under a time constraint. This is not the time for creative writing presentations. A direct to the point narrative essay would be best in order to help you complete all 3 sections of the test within the allotted time.

Writing Feedback / [Ielts task 2] Education's effectiveness in leading people to a healthy eating habit [5]

Alice, you really did discuss both public opinions using strong reasons and well thought out examples. You have managed to create a balanced discussion of the reasons why education will and will not work to educate the people regarding healthy eating. The problem that I see with your essay is that you did not properly represent and discuss your personal opinion on the matter. While you can use the excuse that you were discussing your personal opinion of both topics throughout the essay, that is not what the examiner required of you. You were to present public opinions of the pro and con kind and then discuss your personal opinion regarding the topic. Your personal opinion should discuss the side of the issue that you support in a complete paragraph. It is never made a one liner at the end of the concluding statement. That is academically unacceptable and shows a lack of ability to properly develop your essay discussion. In which case there are two parts of your final score that will be affected, the task accuracy and grammar accuracy and range. Those will be marked down because your mistake in discussion shows a lack of English comprehension abilities. Meaning, you did not understand the instructions that were given in English.

Writing Feedback / The pie chart below shows the main reasons why students chose to study at a particular UK university [2]

Darren, while you did a pretty good representation of the overall information in the essay, your summary statement lacks vital information that would have made it a considerably well developed overview of the information provided. While you are not advised to present actual information or figures in the opening paragraph, you could have outlined the upcoming discussion based upon the sections that needed to be represented in your comparison discussion. That means, the information that the percentages were based upon a specific criteria such as quality of resources and suitable degree courses, along with the other discussion points, should have been indicated in the opening statement. The inclusion of these information would have better prepared the reader for the forthcoming information presentation that you did very well in your succeeding discussion paragraphs.

Grammar, Usage / Introduction to - Cà phê sữa đá'' [2]

@kittynice25 Are you studying English? Is this part of your exercises in your writing class? I am not really sure what to make of this explanation because you did not provide any instructions for the review of your work. If you are just learning to write in English then you have to learn that everything you write has to be in English characters. You cannot use Vietnamese specific characters in writing your work. Specifically when you are describing something that is unique to your country. Always use the English characters because the person who will read your work will not know what you are talking about because he cannot read the characters. While it is not important that he pronounces the word right verbally, he needs to properly read what the term you are describing is all about. Otherwise, your work will be useless. As in this case, I am lost as to what the point of your writing is and, to add a problem to the assessment of your essay, I can't even read what the drink you are describing is. What is it called in English? A rough translation from the Vietnamese will suffice since you go on to explain and describe the drink in your next sentences anyway. As of now, this is a piece of English work that doesn't make sense to the reader and doesn't properly relay any useful information either.

Writing Feedback / Should museums charge for admission? Benefits and drawbacks. [5]

Anna, your opening statement lacks a clear outline in relation to the upcoming discussion. Your opening statement needs to make it clear, in 3-5 sentences that you support the idea that charging for admission to museums have far more advantages than disadvantages. You need to outline the discussion points to illustrate if you will first discuss the con and then the pro of the argument or vice versa. In this type of essay, you may discuss only one disadvantage and one advantage, using the 4th paragraph to support the public argument with a personal opinion and then concluding the essay with a proper summation of the presented discussion. If you notice, the argument that you presented became flawed because you said that charging for admission to the museum outweighs the disadvantages. Yet, you present 2 strong arguments for the non-charging side of the discussion while you are barely able to defend the advantages side. You used 2 different reasons to support the side that you did not agree to in the opening statement and could barely present evidence to help increase the advantage discussion you indicated in the opening statement. If you wanted to strengthen your paid museum attendance argument, you should have used a weaker line of reasoning for the free museum entrance. You did not carefully think of your response. Neither did you outline your response prior to drafting your essay. This essay is, in effect, very poorly written and would not gain a very good score in an actual setting.

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] Because modern life is complex, young people to have the ability to plan and organize. [2]

Eric, let me score you on a point by point basis so that you can understand the parts of the TOEFL test that you will need to improve in order to get a better score. In the Task Accuracy portion, you made a mistake in the paraphrasing of the original prompt so that will gain you a score of 4 in the end. That is because you failed to properly format your final or topic sentence that should have instead said "I agree that because modern life is complex..." rather than saying "I believe that it is important..." A change in the mere format of the sentence totally changed the prompt discussion requirement which could lead the reviewer to assume that you are not very capable of understanding English instructions. It would also be best if you do not focus too much on the discussion of gadgets in the completion of daily activities since the gadgets are not mentioned as a part of the discussion requirements. Keeping that reference vague would have shown a clearer understanding of modern life without focusing on a particular topic. Now, as for the rest of the essay, from C&C, Lexical Resource, and GRA, I believe that you will score a consistent 5 in each section because your abilities reflect the expectations for that particular score. Basically, you did well in the discussion part. It is the paraphrasing, which proves English comprehension skills that you have a problem with. The introduction must properly reflect the restated prompt so you have to be sure that you understand what discussion requirements and topics for discussion are required in your essay and be sure to outline those in your opening statement.

Scholarship / "self-introduction letter for master degree in finance" - the major is international relations [5]

Chith, a letter of self introduction needs to accomplish a number of tasks in order to be deemed a proper introduction. First, you have to discuss the kind of positive influence that your parents had upon you, even in the face of financial difficulties. Talking about too much personal information that presents your parents and the way they brought you up in a negative light is not going to help your application. Second, your presentation of the development of your work ethic is good but runs too long. A letter of introduction should be no longer than 5 paragraphs and does not discuss the reasons why you think you make for a good candidate for the scholarship. Instead, after you present a summarized version (one paragraph) of your work ethic, you can move on to discussing why you chose a particular university for your masters degree. From there, explain that you are a working student who is keen on paying your way through the course but you need the help the scholarship to do that. Simply imply an inference to the financial situation of your family and that it will bring the family great pride if you graduate from the course on your own merit. Introduce yourself as a hard working person who doesn't take studies for granted and therefore, you are hoping to be considered for the scholarship. Remember, don't go past 5 paragraphs. The reviewer doesn't have time to read more than 5 paragraphs per student letter. If you can highlight just your positive traits as a student, professional, and person, with very little reference to your family situation, the letter will be better received by the reviewer.

Undergraduate / Ideas presented in the topic: Career goals and how to accomplish them [3]

Brayan, while you feel the need for the first paragraph, it is really unnecessary for you to include that information due to a number of reasons. It does not focus immediately on your current career goal. It is not necessary for you to introduce the background of your interest development because the focus of the prompt is directly on your current career goals. I know that you feel the need to be as detailed as possible in your essay. However, you were 7 year solf when you thought of joining the aviation field and right now, you are not even considering a career in that field anymore. Therefore, that information is irrelevant and inapplicable in terms of the discussion requirements for this essay. Your idea of being detailed in your presentation and what the reviewer will consider relevant, detailed information are two different things.

Reviewers, specially scholarship applicant reviewers, have only a limited amount of time with which to review the qualifications of the applicants. So getting to the point sooner rather than later will result in a better analysis of the detailed career goals that you have in relation to the required information. Don't dwell on the things you no longer have an interest in nor career based goals that you have not decided upon yet. The reviewer prefers to read applications from clients who are laser focused on their career goals. Remove the uncertain elements of your essay and just deliver the precise information required. That way the essay becomes short, informative, and allows for more analysis time of your presentation on the side of the reviewer.

Again, these are just suggestions on my part. If you do not wish to follow the advice because you want to keep the background information and unnecessary elements of your paper because you like reading it that way and you feel it works for you in this presentation format (even though it wastes the time of the reviewer who will probably not finish reading your essay due to time constraints) then go for it.

Scholarship / I am applying for financial aid in order to continue my studies and get a Master degree. [4]

Kanyshai, while your essay contains a desperate tone to it, there is a lack of proper representation of the reasons why you deserve the scholarship other than financial difficulties in your family. In order to improve your chances of getting the scholarship, you should just summarize the personal information and focus instead on offering academic and professional reasons you deserve the scholarship. For example, I believe that what you mean by being in the "budget group" is that you were a government scholar during your college years. Right? Please explain what the "budget group" is or better yet, just say that you were a government scholar so that the reviewer will not need to waste time figuring out how your college educational system works. Talk about your GPA and how you managed to maintain it during that time. Then discuss your professional career after and explain how your plans to study ties directly with your career plans and self-improvement. Highlight the fact that your experience as a previous scholar assures this scholarship foundation that you will be able to meet the demands of the scholarship and enhance their image through your continued action as a professional after you complete your masters degree. That way, when you discuss why you need financial aid, in the summarized form, you need to focus equally on your professional and personal reasons for requiring the aid. Since you mention that your family is willing to pay for part of it, mention how much they can contribute because the scholarship will not be a 100% grant. The foundation needs to know if your parents can match the donation they will be making towards your education.

Writing Feedback / Ielts task 2 : The title is magical inside, plz make it more magical [3]

Ethan, why did you focus on vocational training as the topic for discussion in this essay? There is nothing in the prompt requirements that indicates a specific focus on vocational schools. Rather, the discussion is general in tone and therefore covers everything from a simple work related seminar (continued professional education), masters degree (academic advancement for professional career growth), and PhD studies (executive position professional training). Since there was no focus on a specific after tertiary education academic undertaking, you should not have focused on vocational schooling as the main point of your discussion. You ultimately changed the prompt requirement by discussing a topic that you chose to discuss instead of presenting facts and reasons relating to the original topic presented to you. That said, the mistaken discussion that you made, though somewhat related to the topic on hand, will not get you a passing score in this test. The main reason for the failing score is that you deviated from the prompt requirement.

Writing Feedback / Academic Writing: the daily audiences percentage of UK radio and television X-XII 1992 [2]

Haiyin, you need to develop a more consistent presentation of your timeline in your English sentences. Try to familiarize yourself with the tense usage methods in order to help you understand and decide upon which proper tense should be used in your sentence development. You are confusing the reader because you are mixing present and past tenses in your sentences. Consistency in your timeline is necessary in a summary academic presentation. The information you presented discusses the more obvious graph representations and figures. So that shows that you consulted the graph while developing your essay. However, you failed to note that there are 2 points during the day when television and radio seem to share an equal audience number. Those are information that can only be gained from a thorough review of the more intricate details of the chart. Including such minute details in your academic summary will help help to increase your score.

Letters / My goal to be a successful interdisciplinary bioinformatics scientist. Cover letter for scholarship [3]

Buu, this does not sound like a scholarship application letter at all. This sounds more like a cover letter for a person applying to become a research intern. Which one are you really applying to? If the research position is part of the scholarship application then that is not clear at all in your letter. There is no sense of how these skills of yours, added to your previous and current work experience will be of an asset to a future scholar. Basically, there is a lack of tie-in between the scholarship and the information that you present in this letter. Did you perhaps submit the wrong letter for review here? If so, then you have to start a new thread and post the correct letter. This current letter is not something that I believe will help you win a scholarship application because the content is a far cry from the information that a scholarship cover letter requires.

Undergraduate / "The Chemistry of Baking" -Common App Prompt #5 [4]

Sophie, this essay does not respond to the prompt requirement. You are describing an activity that you enjoy doing which has allowed you to have a skills oriented realization. It does not deliver a new found understanding about yourself or those around you. Actually, it would be better if you could relate an event that shows an understanding of yourself in relation to your association with others in this instance. The reviewer is looking for a sense of maturity or a realization regarding the need for some sort of responsibility for yourself or your actions in accordance with your personal choices or treatment of others. This essay does not portray any personal character growth on your end. So this is not the essay that you should use for this prompt. Try to look for a moment in your life when you had a sense of self realization and describe the events and result of that event as it impacts your personal traits instead.

Scholarship / 'a great opportunity, but also a responsibility' - Endeavour scholarship or fellowship [3]

Sara, this is a scatter brained essay that does not focus on the realistic representation of how this scholarship can change your personal life. Focus on the academic demands of college overseas and discuss how you will not, as a foreign student, be immediately alllowed to work in order to support yourself financially as a student. So the scholarship will help ease the financial burden that studying overseas can place on the finances of your family and yourself, as an independent student. Concentrate on presenting the idea that due to economic events in your personal life, the scholarship is the only way that you can achieve your dream of financial independence in terms of study fees overseas and living simply as a student who is not allowed to work in the country due to visa constraints. Your essay doesn't really allow the reviewer to learn about your current financial situation, which is the point of the essay, and why you should be given the scholarship based upon those economic constraints.

Writing Feedback / A new recreational facility in Tusk - GRE writing task: Argument Essay [3]

Sodiq, basing the result of your work on the 30 minute time constraint, I am confident that you can get a score of 4 with this essay. You could have gotten a 5 or higher if you had enough time to do extra editing work on the essay that you developed. That is not a bad score considering that you were able to cover most of the important discussions of the implied reasons within the previous essay. I would like to advise you not to use questions in your essay because the presentation of questions implies that you will be delivering a response to those questions. The essay prompt should be more than enough to help you create a pointed discussion in your essay. If you place your own questions and have to respond to it in order to keep the flow going, you will end up changing the overall discussion. So, to avoid and down scoring on your part, just stick to the given discussion sans any questions on your part.

Undergraduate / SCAD Statement of Purpose for B.F.A. Visual Effects [4]

Christina, I understand that you are starting from the very beginning at this point in your education. However, your presentation is not the kind that will attract and hold the interest of the reviewer. A statement of purpose for college entrance requires less whining and more purpose in its presentation. That said, you must focus the essay more on the personal development of your interest in this field and talk less about the bullying and death of your stepson. Those are personal matters that do not have a direct bearing on your preparations for this course. From the discussion of the development of your personal interest, move on to the discussion of how you were conned by that university. That you can discuss in detail because it shows a clear interest in your part to become successful in this field. As for your preparations as of now, you really failed to present any usable information in this part. If you did self study for most of the prerequisite courses, then indicate that you did self study and enumerate the programs you are sufficient in. If you have your work online somewhere, say so and give the link. That way the reviewer can tell if you are really prepared for the demands of this course or not. As for your future plans, Don't be so hyperbolic in your dreams. Keep it based on what you can actually achieve within 5 years of your career after graduation , discuss ambitions that will lead to your masters classes. As for your studies, tell them that you aim to maintain a 4 GPA. Nothing more. The rest of that part of the essay makes you sound too cocky. Be simple. Keep it simple and try to reflect more of who you are are a person instead of who you think the reviewer wants to read about. Remember, this is a preliminary written interview and being yourself gives the paper a more honest tone.

Research Papers / "Steroids: What are They Really?" [4]

Geordan, I know that you are trying to fill in a word count or page requirement by constantly using quotes in your essay. It is important that I point out to you that constantly quoting in your essay will doe either one of two things. Either it will lower your final score because your profeesor will have deemed yo to have taken the "lazy" approach to research writing by constantly using quotes, or, your essay, once run through a plagiarism checker will show more than 30% of the paper of the paper to be plagiarized, which will result in an automatic failing grade. You need to practice paraphrasing in most of your paragraphs. Specially the ones that have 2-3 direct quotes in them because too many quotes in a paragraph raises a red flag among professors who use plagiarism checkers. If you want to get a higher grade in this paper, then show the professor that you actually understand the research by placing the information in your own words, using proper lexical resources. I brought out the discussion about proper word and vocabulary usage because you are using the word "impertinent" which means "not showing proper respect; rude." or "not pertinent to a particular matter; irrelevant." when what you actually meant to say was "imperative" which means "of vital importance; crucial" or "giving an authoritative command; peremptory." As you can see, using the wrong word in a sentence totally changes the overall meaning of your work. If you are not sure of the word usage or meaning, look it up in a dictionary first. Don't just use a word because you think it sounds right. You need to be sure or risk losing points for an improperly written research paper.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task: technology and the wealth gap [2]

Chen, consider the prompt instructions. It is clear threat you are being asked to defend only one side of the issue instead of both because of the word "OR" in the final sentence of the prompt directions. Therefore, you should have declared the extent of your agreement to the statement in your opening paragraph. The last sentence you should have written should have read "I fully agree with this statement for a number of reasons" and then proceeded to outline and discuss these reasons for at least 2 paragraphs before summing up the discussion in the closing paragraph. As of now, this essay partially responds to the prompt requirements. It would not get a passing score because of the wrong discussion format you provided. Only one fully developed opinion was required instead of 2 underdeveloped and different reason presentations. You need to learn how to decipher the type of discussion required by properly understanding the instruction line of the prompt provided.

Undergraduate / "I've never had a home" Transfer student's NYU supplement [3]

Jouaquin, I admire the sincerity of your response. It is heartfelt and shows that you have given careful thought to how you would respond to the essay. However, this makes you sound like a person who is just looking for a permanent address for the next 4 years rather than a student wishing to pursue an academic ambition in a place where he is academically and socially comfortable. Home, in this instance, should relate more to​ your desire to find a place where your academic pursuits and social passions will be nurtured and encouraged. Think more in terms of an academic home rather than the home where a family on ac personal basis will be built. That is not what you are building at NYU. Rather you are building an academic and professional home for yourself in this setting. My opinion is that you need to adjust the essay just a little bit in order to create a personal, academic, and professional home for yourself over the next 4 years.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 2 - Discussion Essay - Homework effectiveness [3]

Darren, you misrepresented the discussion instructions in your essay response. If you review your original instructions, you were asked to


. The essay should therefore be in a compare and contrast, with a personal supporting opinion format. What you wrote instead is a single opinion defense with a personal opinion as supporting evidence essay. Those are two different essays and the one that you were, doesn't comply with the essay requirements. Based on this fault, you will be deemed by the examiner to not have understood the instructions which will lead to your task accuracy failure. Once you fail the task accuracy party due to faulty English comprehension skills, you will fall the overall test as all other elements for scoring can no longer be considered. Always look at the final discussion instruction, that provides the format for the presentation. If you are not sure of how to approach the essay, then ask clarifying questions while you still can. That is what the practice tests are for.

Writing Feedback / Rates of smoking in Someland [2]

@Huyhiep231 Normally, these summary essays ask the writer to make comparisons whenever possible. From what I can tell, there was plenty of room for comparison analysis in your essay based upon the line graph that was provided. While your essay is very good in terms of it's solid presentation, the year too year analysis where the figures were either the same, overlapping, or showing very little difference should have been presented as well. By approving the essay that way, you could have easily increased the word count and also presented a more comprehensive and important discussion of the provided image. Your opening statement was probably resonated when you posted the summary information paragraph which is why it looks a bit disconnected on the page. Make sure that your summary paragraph and concluding statements always had at least 3 sentences in it in order to represent a complete paragraph on the page. Remember, those 2 paragraphs represent some of the most important scoring elements of your essay.

Undergraduate / A convert to Mormonism interested in autism research at Caltech? That's me. (undergrad app essays) [2]

Lucia, I can sense how proud you are of your faith and your desire to spread it as a college student at Caltech. Unfortunately, that is not the right approach to take in responding to this essay. The prompt provides you with specific fields of discussion which doesn't include religion. Therefore, you should not make your response a religious discussion specially since you are applying to a non-denominational university. The religious take could work against your application owing to the heated religious debate ongoing on various campuses. Focus your response instead on how you can academically and socially contribute to the development of Caltech. I'm sure that you can still help propagate your religion when you get into Caltech without having to make it the discussion point of your essay, nor it making it so obvious to those around you. As with all explosive topics for discussion, don't make it so obvious that you support something which might trigger other people and ruin your chances of getting in. After all, you are going to the university to grow academically in order to prepare for a profession so leave the religious discussion for a more appropriate place and time.

Undergraduate / Giving back to society and making a difference. Personal statement for university scholarship! [5]

Min, since this is a scholarship application essay, it would be best if you can connect your passion with something that the scholarship identifies with. You see, these scholarships look for specific traits and abilities within their candidates that best reflect the ideals of the foundation. In this instance you should focus more on the civic aspect of your passion since this is written in personal statement form. A personal statement, even when prompt specific should be used to show a non-academic passion on your part because the reviewer should get to know what else you like doing other than studying. Answer the question, "What makes you a good person?" And that will show your passion. A person cannot be passionate about multiple causes, even if they are inter-related. Focus on a singular passion that tires in with the requirements of the scholarship and your social interests. If necessary, then include an academic aspect to your presentation. Pick just one true passion and develop from there.

Graduate / Personal Statement : How I interested in Cultural Policy Program in University of Glasgow [3]

@klarashati it would be best for your personal statement if you create a uniform discussion regarding the connection of tourism work your academic interests. That type of discussion creates an interesting personal development profile for you in the eyes of the reviewer. That means, you will have to remove the second paragraph of this essay that deals with your community service. Keep the discussion focused on tourism in general rather than muddling the presentation by suddenly discussing your hometown. It doesn't tie in very well with the general tourism discussion. This is a considerably interesting essay that shows the development of your interest in the topic of tourism. So it meets the criteria for a personal statement very well. You just need to make the adjustment that I am suggesting to the content in order to make it the strongest possible personal statement that you can present. Also, switch the 3rd and 4th paragraph places. Make the discussion about the University choice your closing presentation so that the personal reasons you chose the University will be what the reviewer remembers about your personal statement essay.

Scholarship / Australian Scholarship essay about how the chosen program would further my career [3]

Sara, this prompt requires you to be forward thinking in your approach. Rather than simply repeating the information from the course syllabus or website that discusses the course requirements and type of training that will be given, it would be better if you can discuss how you see these classes and training improving your future career. Now, I am assuming that you already have some experience in the professional field right? So think about your current profession and how your desire to further improve your craft led you to these studies. How do you see yourself improving the craft once you return to work? Don't be hypothetical in approach. No matter how silly your imagined future professional scenario sounds, share it with the reviewer. He needs to know that there is a real connection between your planned studies and your career because that is the whole point of enrolling in this course. If you don't have any solid plans, no matter how crazy it sounds, then it will appear that you are not really that interested in the course and may not even complete the studies required.

Letters / Cover letter for visiting researcher (PhD) from the United States [2]

Luna, in order to impress the professor and possibly, make him consider your acceptance as a visiting researcher to his program, you must create a connection between your current research or your research proposal and the current work that he is doing. It is not enough that a person who used to be a part of his program "thinks" he might be interested in your work. In fact, naming that student who was previously part of your program will not help your letter in any way because there was no discussion of a research connection between the current work of the professor and your work. In fact, if is a bad idea to tell him that you do not have evidence regarding mayors, specially if that data is important to his own research. Remember, if your own research will not help this professor to grow his own work, he will not be interested in coordinating his research with yours. Summarize your college degree, masters course, and the thesis wok that you did in both, provided that these tie in directly with your dissertation research. That is because the professor will be most interest in learning about the foundation for your research that might have an impact upon his own. Remember that as a visiting researcher, you need to prove that there will be an integral and important exchange of information between the two of you. There is no sense of that in this letter.

Writing Feedback / Unhealthy activities in modern society [3]

Hy, you are writing an academic paper, not a creative writing class narrative essay. Therefore, you should not be using ellipses (...) in your writing as that is an artistic writing approach and has no place in academic writing. Always write in complete thoughts and paragraphs. Do not wax melancholic as these special characters tend to indicate in any writing form. Always speak to the examiner in a direct manner. Say what you mean, don't expect him to fill in the blanks because he doesn't have the time to be analytical of your writing.Over all, you wrote some pretty acceptable reasons and suggestions. It is just weakened by the presentation that you chose to use.

With regards to your opening statement, aim to present at least 3 sentences so that you are sure that you were able to properly paraphrase the original instructions. Remember, the opening statement will be used to score your English comprehension skills. So be as detailed as possible in your interpretation of the prompt requirements. Just make sure you don't go over 5 sentences to complete the paragraph. Do the same for the concluding statement. It should summarize the full discussion essay that you just wrote so it can't be only a one liner at the end of the essay.

Writing Feedback / The number of population figures for India and China - the line gragh [2]

Trang, you need to work hard on improving your grammar structure, range, and accuracy. I understand that English is not your first language which is why you did not do a very good job in writing this essay. Your lexical resources are also faulty, there is no such word as fluctutes. What you mean to say is either "fluctuation" or "fluctuates". It is imperative that you do your best to expose yourself to English grammar in both the written and spoken form if you are to improve in these tremendously problematic areas of English writing. Your work is so bad on this essay that I am going to stop myself from scoring it because I do not want to make you feel like a failure. Instead, I will advice you to work hard on improving your grammar skills and make sure that you are at least a stable simple English language user in the written form before you even consider taking the IELTS test. Make sure that you develop your understanding of English word meanings and also, that you are able to spell these terms properly. Based upon your performance in this essay, you are nowhere near being prepared to take the test.

Scholarship / Scholarship essay : the definition of success in my life [3]

Tessa, unfortunately without the original prompt requirement for the scholarship, that is the instruction about what you are supposed to write about in the essay (subject of the essay), I can't really help you better edit the content of your paper. I am unclear as to what the correct discussion should be because you only gave the title of the essay that you developed instead of the instructions for writing the essay. The way that you wrote this tells me that you either used an online translator for the essay or you translated from the literal meaning of your original language. Regardless of how you wrote this essay in English, the fact remains that you did not do a very good job at writing this essay because it doesn't make any sense to the reader most of the time. This is because of certain phrases and words that you used, such as "Because as homo socious." Which is only a phrase and not a complete sentence. I strongly suggest that you look into our services and work with me directly on the proper development of your personal statement. We can do better work there than here at the forum since you will have my undivided attention there and I can help you clean up the language of the essay as well as improve the content to give you a better chance at gaining this scholarship.

Letters / Im still here if you want to know me - Stanford roommate essay [4]

Maria, a simple introduction that includes the fact that you are Nigerian would have been the better opening for this letter. From there, you can tell her all about what makes you uniquely Nigerian that an American or any fellow foreign roommate might find strange or a turn off about you based upon your culture. This is your chance to introduce certain things that your roommate may not expect regarding your character and eccentricities. This introduction should be light and not related so much to the academics of the university but rather, open an avenue of communication and planning for you and your roommate with regards to how you can jointly enjoy your social time after classes. It would be in your best interest though, to explain to your future roommate regarding your study habits if you feel like you have some weird study concepts. Make sure that you let your roommate know that you will be introducing him to Nigerian culture as well by say, taking charge of the meal time once a week or something. A sense of openness when it comes to cultural understanding would be key in helping the strange feel at home with you in the room. After all, your roommate will be the closest to family that you will have on campus. So work on enticing your roommate to be open with you when it comes to any problems you may have with each other. These are the sort of information that will help ease the stranger into your life and also introduce you to the dorm guardian.

Graduate / Motivation Letter for MSc in Information Systems - Studying in Germany [3]

Shaharyar this is a very interesting personal statement. Now, you have to work on writing a motivation letter. The motivation letter is exactly that, a cover letter for the rest of your application essays and documents. It is an overview of the important information that you should be presenting in greater detail in the SOP, Study Plan, and other required essays. For the motivational letter, you need to write only 2 -3 paragraphs that introduce the reasons why you decided to study this particular masters degree at this point in time. Similar in content to a statement of purpose, the motivation letter has less to do with your college background and fancy imaginings that led you to this career and has more in common with your current professional experience and how these have motivated your future plans. Therefore, it is a shortened version of your statement of purpose. Do not confuse it with your personal statement, as you have done so with this current version. The personal statement is a totally different application essay that has to portray something totally different from a motivational letter.

Writing Feedback / The amount of time people spent by the phone in the UK [3]

Oanh, your essay lacks an overall sense of progression. The summary doesn't really provide the details of the day in a proper manner that would lend itself to the idea of a clear discussion outline. You should have properly indicated the years from the starting year first. The method of discussion is not cohesive and therefore, lacks a coherent presentation method. While you did present a year on year comparison, the discussion analysis of the comparison points shows that very little study and analysis was provided on your end to closely representing the information in your essay. While your essay responds to most of the prompt, you should try to use the analytical part to create more complex paragraphs that could translate to better score considerations for you. The analysis portion needs to be better developed because that is the best way to prove your English grammar, sentence development, and vocabulary skills.

Scholarship / Scholarship Essay "Why should you be considered for a scholarship by the Alumni of your school" [2]

Sebastian, being a graduate of this university and applying for an alumna scholarship requires a specific type of scholarship application essay. You have to consider what the alumna requirements are for a candidate and make sure that you reflect their required qualifications in your discussion. Work on presenting your present career information such as your current position and the accomplishments that you have in the area which can help in justifying your interest in developing your leadership skills in this field. Since you are a college graduate already, you must not rely on your previous academic record anymore. The more important consideration for the alumnae association at this point will be whether you fit their description of a suitable candidate. Since you did not include that listing in your prompt description, I will not be able to tell how well you were able to reflect those needs in the essay. You will have to do that yourself. I can assure you though, that you must focus on your current career accomplishments, goals, and opportunities in order to better impress the alumna of your alma mater.

Writing Feedback / Kids, youth and elders in Italy and Yemen [2]

Khoa, the summary overview is only considered a complete paragraph when it indicates all of the forthcoming discussion information in an essay based upon the images provided to you. Your presentation lacks a mention of the age groups involved as well as the instructions indicating that you will be making comparisons when necessary. Your second paragraph requires additional information presentation, possibly in the comparison range because it doesn't meet the minimum sentence requirement to qualify as a paragraph. The same observation was seen in your last paragraph. Your score will be reduced because of the incomplete presentation in those paragraphs. Your essay would have also been made stronger if you had dedicated a paragraph to cross referencing the information about Yemen and Italy. Such cross referencing indications increase your score because your analytical abilities in English are highlighted and catches the attention of the examiner.

Writing Feedback / Some people say it is OK to use animals for our benefit, others say it is not good to exploit them [6]

CJ, while you did represent the original prompt properly in the opening statement, the rest of the essay did not come out as smooth and well thought out. Your paragraphs need to be connected using transition sentences within the paragraphs itself in order to provide continuity in the discussion. If you read your second paragraph, you started out by discussing the fact that humans are at the top of the food chain, then, without prior notice, you state some information regarding medical science. That will tend to confuse the reader. This is a severe error in the coherence and cohesiveness portion of scoring, The problem with your paragraph development throughout the essay has prevented you from properly presenting grammar and sentence structures in the proper manner as well. This essay will definitely suffer score wise because of these errors. It is quite possible that this essay would not pass an actual test. Keep your discussion down to only one factual presentation per paragraph in order to avoid the confusing sentence and thought development presentation throughout your work.

Research Papers / Vegetarianism vs meat eating; health, environment and animal cruelty [2]

Carly, your opening statement is all wrong. Academic rules do not allow for the introduction of facts and figures in an opening statement because at this point, you are just about to introduce your thesis statement. Data from other sources can never be presented prior to the thesis statement because it presents answers to questions that have not been asked yet. Therefore, you need to revise your opening statement to merely present a clear subject topic for clarification in the research paper. At the moment, your thesis statement seems to be more than one in the opening statement. Try to come up with a single question that you hope to respond to in the essay through the presentation of data. There is no need to pose one question for each data presentation. Your research data should merely back up and create the foundation of your thesis statement as well as thesis statement reasoning / defense.

Paragraph 2 is too long and creates readers fatigue due to the numerous topics included in the single paragraph. You need to break it up in shorter but still informative paragraphs so that the reader can pause to full consider the presented information. I would like you to consider shortening that paragraph because it has multiple details that may not all be necessary in the discussion.

With regards to your sources, please consider using more than one source for your essay because right now, it seems like you did not really do the legwork required in order to develop a balanced discussion of the given topic. Normally, an essay of this length requires about 6 academic sources culled from journals, books, magazines, interviews, and online sources. These assorted resources will help you to create a well balanced discussion that looks at all sides of the given topic. At the moment, your essay is bias towards one side of the discussion because no effort was made to use other sources representing both the pro and con points of view. A research essay must always represent all possible sides of the discussion and discuss it by presenting the opposing side and then refuting it with academically acceptable data and information.

Based upon the reasons above, it would appear that this essay draft needs some major revisions before it can enter a final drafting stage. At the moment, this is a work in progress which can be improved if you follow my suggestions above.