Writing Feedback / Many countries are allowed children to work in particular areas [4]

Hi Muhammad, below are my suggestions to enhance the first two paragraphs of your essay;

- Many countries are allowedallow children to work in
- Even thoughThough children can get a lot of
- experiences,thatit does not havethey will miss a lot in formal education,
- I believe that they are not mentally and psychologically ready to
- face the working life as a mentality and psychology .

- in theirthis working areas are beneficial rather than in formal education.
- The reason for this is that, ( don't forget your punctuation marks )
- who are older than them, and they can bring
- a good influences forto the children.
- And also, they can learn about how to operate some equipment in their offices. - I believe this sentence is not necessary in this part of the essay.

- For example, a current survey by a Psychologist in the University of Melbourne
- in 2009 found that 75% of children are happy to
- and they also satisfy with theirdevelop new skills
- that they got inlearn companies.

There you have it Muhammad, I hope you are able to get a few advises on how to enhance your essay.Overall, I believe the confusion comes from the fact that, you are trying very hard to put all your ideas in one go, so for future writing reference, make sure that you know how to separate and logically present your ideas.

Writing Feedback / INCREASING SEA LEVELS CAUSED BY GLOBAL WARMING [4]

Hi Eva, here's another one from my end;

- Today,One the most serious issue
- that people face causedis global warming
- iswith the increasedof sea levels. - This would lead to the inundation in the coastal area

- The main problem is caused by global
- the inundation inof the coastal zone.
- Also, such disaster will halt humanpeoples daily routines, c
- In 2009, Koreathe Korean government said
- that 69% of people chose to move to a comfort
- long as the flood drowningdoesn't drown their homeshouse .

There you have it Eva, I hope the above remarks and corrections are helpful to your revision.

Writing Feedback / People at the workplace should inhale only the fresh air, not polluted by the smoke [3]

Hi Andika, first of all, in this essay, you can merge both 1st and 2nd paragraph into 1 and do the same for the rest of the essay, this means you will have 2 essays at the end of the revision, I suggest this because it will be easier to read and comprehend, also, remember that slicing your ideas into smaller paragraphs does not mean that it has better outcome than merging them into 2 solid paragraphs.

Just to share, people who smoke, always pose a very crucial health problem not only to the one who smokes but more importantly to the one who as they say, get the "second hand smoke", they are more likely to develop the diseases from smoke, more than the one who are smoking. I believe it will be a hard issue to tackle, however, if one can quit smoking, then that's already a good start.

Going back to our essay, below are my thoughts on the final paragraph of your essay.

- All in allOverall , a smoking in the outside the building
- in the workplace to get a naturenatural air and the
- employees can keep their body toand stay fit.
-Thus, people inside the building iswill get the positive
- impact from thethis condition.

There you have it Andika, as you can see, the last paragraph of the essay can still be enhanced and I hope this helps in your revision.

Writing Feedback / Many children in several countries spend much time in the workplace instead of being at school [4]

HI Riandi, here's another one from my end;

- On the other hand, when childrena minor decided
- to take a half-timepart time job,
- the precious experience will be obtained for preparingthat will prepare them in the future,
- this is due to the fact that childrenthis minors met
- It is noticeable that students
- with half-time in schoolpart time job have higher
- achievement than students who havehas full time
- in the schoolstudies since they have developed a skill forin problem solving.

There you have it Riandi, for future writing reference, mind the linking verbs as well as the forms of the words that you incorporate in your sentences as this will have an overall impact in your essay. I hope the above corrections help in your revision and I will try to come back for the rest of the paragraph.

Writing Feedback / 'They are not ready psychologically'. Writing Task II; Children are Encouraged to Have Paid Work [4]

Hi Husnul, I would like to share a few insights to enhance your essay but before I do, I would like to share that this particular issue is very relevant to this day and age, a lot of students are very keen on working first before moving on and continue with there education. As it is, there are a lot of factors to consider such as the fact that they need a lot financial help in continuing their studies, time and effort is also needed in order to make sure that they are going to finish with flying colors and land a good and rather rewarding job.

Having said that, I would like to start the review with a few corrections on the last two paragraphs pf your essay.

- face the hardnesshardship of the working atmosphere.
-Taking a job in thatat this age must be difficult
- to engage with the stuffsas those young people are in charge to play .- in this sentence, there's a lot going on and most of them are not needed at all.

- Then ifIf they have to work in a car wash, for example,
- they must have less experience which results
- children got anger by theto an angry boss.
- Thus it can affect them to becomeThis might develop an introvert personality .

There yo have it Husnul, I hope the above remarks are helpful to your revision and should you need further assistance, we are here for you.

Writing Feedback / Many benefits of taking up a job before starting to attend a university, but also a few drawbacks [4]

Hi Riandi, as I go through the essay, I must say that you are still having difficulties in your essay, specially when it comes to your linking verbs, this is minor, however, it will become a major one when it's not treated properly, what I mean is, you have to try and include this in your sentences, every time you write, should you do this more often, you will be able to manage a well written essay without any difficulties in sending your ideas across your readers.

Having said that, please find a few enhancements below;

- Some people believe that the rising generation
- after graduatedof graduates from school
- to pick up a job forafter a couple of years
- before going to the university is increasing .
- due to onethe fact that this isof a great way before
- going to the university, is working
- sincein order to obtain some skills
- and muchmore money for tuition be paid. - There are many benefits ofin taking up a job
- but there could be a few drawbacks as well.

There you have it Riandi, as you can see there's still quiet a few remarks and corrections done in order to enhance and strengthen your essay, I hope this helps.

Undergraduate / Why History is Worth Studying [8]

Hi Yoosol, first of all WELCOME to the Essay Forum Family, as you have seen already, we aim at providing you with the most credible feedback and comprehensive review in order to strengthen your essay and boost that confidence in you writing.

Now, as I go through your essay,it feels as though you are missing the character, your character in the essay, yes, the topic at hand is about studying history, but it also says, what tickles your intellectual capacity and don't get me wrong, if it's the European renaissance and classical arts that keep your mind busy, it's all good, however, you still need to strengthen your character as a person who will and is enjoying history.

Overall, it is a well managed essay and I believe it can still be enhance by injecting that smart, quirky side of you with the focus of ideas that you've already written.

I hope to review your final revision soon. Keep writing!

Writing Feedback / IELTS. 'the money should be better spent' - Wasteful Space Program - Agree or disagree [4]

Hi Naoki, as I go through your essay, I must say,there is a little bit of issue on clarity in your ideas, what I mean is, when you are writing an argumentative essay, you should not only create or write two sides of the puzzle, you should present which side you favor the most, this is because in the first place, it is an argumentative essay and in the end there should be one side that is more dominant then the other. Don't get me wrong, you did agree on spending the governments money but the clarity of the idea can still be enhanced.

Scholarship / 'I had to travel 24 kilometers daily from my home town to my school'; LEADERSHIP and INFLUENCE ESSAY [5]

Hi Anees, let me help you out.

- WithThe obsolete educational infrastructure
- Being bornBorn and raised in a rural setting,
- I faced the same challenges. But, however , I
- and endeavoredmy hunger for knowledge
- is needed to support my community,
- and mostmore importantly

- At the age of 13, I left my home town

There you have it Anees, overall, this revision has been well written with very few enhancements that will further strengthen your essay.
I do hope that you write more often, it doesn't necessarily have to be a formal essay or answer to a specific prompt, write anything that you can think of, post it here on EF, this way, we can help you out and hone your skill in writing.

Writing Feedback / Facebook and Google Will Stretch Internet Cable from LA to Hong Kong (Article Summary) [3]

Hi Fauzan, here's another one from my end;

- TheThis two internet colossal
- collaboratecollaboration to build advance
- capacity underseaunderwater fiber-optic
- available, not just to the developer,
- but also for everyone elsesingle user as well.
- they arehave become more independent to
- actually defines it and evolving into networks that is running
- The PLCN is the sixth underseaunderwater cable

There you have it Fauzan, I hope the above remarks are still helpful to your revision. In this particular summary essay, you have managed to come up with a strong summary and you stick to the idea of the topic and this is very crucial to your essay, I hope to see more of your essays soon and keep writing.

Writing Feedback / Computers have contributed to medicine, but they brought many hindrances in human development [4]

Hi Marcos, I hope my remarks and insights is not too late, well, before I do, I would like to WELCOME you to the forum, we a growing family and we are glad that you are part of this ever helpful and credible forum. We aim at providing you the most comprehensive and objective feedback, in order for you to enhance and get you essay ready for submission.

Now, the physical presentation of your essay needs to enhanced, you can merge the 1st and 2nd paragraph, take the 3rd and 4th to be the body of your essay and strengthen the last paragraph, this will give your essay a clean cut and less confusing parts that is absolutely unnecessary to answer this prompt.

Overall, you have managed to write a well written essay, your ideas are clear, straight to the point and is definitely geared towards answering the prompt. I hope to see more of your writing projects and I hope you follow through with the insights and suggestions given to enhance your essay.

Writing Feedback / The UK'S Ageing Population In 1985 and Prediction for 2035 [2]

Hi Muhammad, I hope my remarks and corrections for your analysis essay is not too late.

First stop, you have to make sure that when you write an analysis essay, you have to make sure that you include the graphic representation such as the diagram, the table or the chart, this will help us in providing you with a more comprehensive review. Anyhow,below are a few remarks and corrections following the English language usage.

- The Bar chart shows the proportion of the ageing
- population Inin the UK in 1985
- and causethe forecast for 2035.
- Overall, don't forget to include your punctuation marks )
- it can be seen that despite some disparity,
- over the period as a whole, the level of the aging population
- by ageing in Great Britannia community

- The information from the bar chart
- in Wales in 1985, completely
- occupier'soccupies nearly grasped 16%
- and in two other states England and UK the
- proportion of the Residents

Spell check
ageing - aging

- Following this aging population by ageing

There you have it Muhammad, I hope the above remarks are helpful to your revision.

Undergraduate / Moving to America and getting more freedom [5]

Hi Janki, First of all, WELCOME to the Forum, you're yet another member that will definitely shape this forum and here on EF, we aim at providing you with the most credible and objective feedback that will hopefully enhance your writing project and strengthen the essay prior to submission.

Having sais that, as I go through your essay, I can't help but notice that there is no prompt that will guide the review, what I'm trying to say is, we as reviewers will not be able to see it this essay answers the prompt properly or if it has the right approach to the prompt tasked for you to do.

However, in an overall perspective, you have written a well managed essay, you made sure that the words you choose in your sentences are very simple, common to the reading public and more importantly, it is very easy to comprehend.

Now, I would wait for you to respond to this post and include the prompt so we can create a more comprehensive review.

Writing Feedback / Robots and machines are gradually replacing people in their works. [3]

Hi Chau, as I go through the essay, I must say there is not doubt at all that you know how to write and address the prompt that you tasked to do, however, I noticed that the idea you are trying to send across to your readers did not really do well. To elaborate this observation, please find my corrections below;

- In the 20th and 21st century, thanks to thea
- and technique,such as robots and machines
- are gradually replacing to help people on their worksreplace our manpower .
- This replacement tookbrought a lot of benifitsbenefits to peoplefor human .
- medical,... or even agriculture had
- an excellent use of this advancement.
- ItsThe effects were undinialeundeniable .

- Types ofThe type of intelligenceintelligent robots - have are helping us a lot

There you have it Chau, as you can see, there's a huge difference from the original essay to the corrected ones and I hope you follow through with the corrections.

Undergraduate / Reflect on a time in the last few years when you felt genuine excitement learning about something. [6]

Hi Chizaram, I'm not sure if this is what you were talking about earlier when you said you have another essay you need help with. Anyhow, please find a few corrections and insights below;

- And I fell predictably on the ground having only
- achieving anminor injury from the bicycle pedal.
- bicycle but I desiredwas determined to learn how to ride one.
- I will take it out for amy first ride.
- I had oO ne of my elder brothers - holding a camera and anotherthe other to teach me.

- One thing about determination is that you never give up, ( don't miss out on your punctuation marks ) irrespective of bad outcomes.
- my parents;, I did it!

There you have it Chizaram, indeed, determination to do something, disregarding the obstacles will definitely earn you the sweetest reward you can ever have.
I hope the above remarks and corrections help,Oh, one more thing, I suggest that you refrain from starting the essay with the word, "and", I suggest;

"As I fell predictably..."

Keep writing!

Essays / Help me in "Introduce two person to know each other" [3]

Hi Sean, WELCOME to the forum, I'm glad to see yet another member of this ever growing family and I hope this is just the start of a good relationship, here on EF, we aim at providing you with the most accurate and credible feedback in order to enhance your essay and be ready for submission.

Now, first things first, when you're writing, make sure you have your spell checker on, you see, your title has a typo error already and this is not good, of course you can still correct it, but what about if you have submitted it already, it will be too late.

- Help me in "Introduce two person to konw each other"

Moving on to your dialogue;

- Hi batman. This is ironman. Do you know him?this pgrase is unnecessary
-Ironman, batman is a good friend of mine.
We met atin the Groden city inabout ten years ago.
-Nice to meet you B-man.
- He`s here on a holiday. Andand he is a superhero too .
-He made a suit whichthat can make him fly.
- purpose why you need thatit .
- What`s kind of suit do you want?
-Now you have got something to talk about.

There you have it Sean, I hope you keep on writing and when you do, post it here on EF so we can review and give you our feedback.

Undergraduate / "Write about something that you love to do" (200 words or fewer) - Yale essay [6]

Hi Chizaram, I'm glad that we are able to help, even more so, we are happy to hear that you consider us valuable towards your future writing projects. Should your project be ready for review, go ahead and post it here on EF so we can gather around and provide you your much needed feedback and corrections.

Now, as you are writing, don't forget all the suggestions that has been provided from your previous writing projects. It will also help if you read a few essays written by contributors and writers here on EF, this will not only give you an idea on what to write but will also show you how to approach different kinds of prompts that you might encounter in the future.

As mentioned, should you be ready with your essay, post it here on EF and we will be here to guide you towards the completion of your writing project.Keep writing!

Scholarship / What knowledge, skills and abilities do you hope to gain as a result of participating in this progra [3]

Hi Tebo, first of all WELCOME to the Essay Forum Team, I hope you find this website helpful and rather valuable to your writing projects, we aim to provide you with the most accurate and credible feedback in order to enhance your essay and to show you the difference it makes once it is reviewed.

Having said that, please find a few suggestions below;

- I strongly believe that I have the aptitude to take on this role- this role as what?, as this is the beginning of your essay, you have to make sure that you mention the subject, it has not been established yet, so you have to write it down.

- and willingness I have to learn more about leadership skills . - Enrolling with the LDF Program will illuminate me and arm me
- with the tools needed to make thea difference
- Going back to whatwhere I started with,
- my goal in life is to be a source of help and
- inspiration forto others.
- My way of achieving thatthis is
- in such a prestigious programs .
- My aim is toI will use the skills of
- but lack this tool toand reach out to the rest of the world.
- I am hereby reaching out to the committee responsible
- this adventureoutstanding opportunity .
- instead,rather my country, community
- and at least the people whom I'm working with. I am sure of that.my fellowmen

There you have it Tebo, I hope the above remarks are helpful to your revision, should you need further assistance, do let us know, we are here for you.

Scholarship / Ideas on Scholarship essay - your plans for the future. [9]

Hi Nethiyaa, that was fast for you to be able to write such an impressive essay, however, as impressive as it is, there are a few enhancements that can be done. specially to the focus of your essay, as mentioned, your essay should have both points covered with equal strength in your essay, this means you have to make sure that you are able to write both ideas that will make your essay stand out.

Now, lets take it one paragraph at a time, the first one started in a very negative side, it's not something that you want to start your essay with, now don't get me wrong you can still enhance your essay and its in every way manageable, I believe any negative or bad experiences will only make us strong, however, this doesn't apply to this project. Next, the 2nd and 3rd paragraph can be merged in one whole and compact paragraph, the 4th paragraph can still be strengthened by focusing on the highlights of your academic journey and in laying down your future goals.

Lastly, the last paragraph can be revised with the help of a 100% forward thinking paragraph that should showcase your aspirations and the steps that you will take to achieve them. I hope the above insights are helpful to further revise your essay.

Writing Feedback / Happy partners were significantly more likely to report better health [4]

Hi Eva, I believe this is my first review of your essay and I hope my suggestions are helpful.

- Belinda Luscombe said that greater people will
- bring happiness to the one they surround
- their circumstance with and
- 2,000 married adults,married normal couples,
- in theregarding their Health and Retirement
- over the last six years and they found out that it has
- more likely to report better healthier ,
- experience less physical impairment, and to exercise
- person whyand how they could improve
- avoiding doing self-destructive things.
-And thirdlyLastly , happy partners bringmakes life easier for
- And thisThis research adjusted for gender,

There you have it Eva, I hope this revision helps you when you rewrite your summary essay.

Undergraduate / The Strong Finish: Common App Additional Information for Baylor. [3]

Hi Gabie, first of all WELCOME to the Essay Forum Team, we hope that you find this website to helpful as well as useful to your writing projects, we do aim at providing you our most remarkable and valuable feedback in order to enhance your essay and strengthen your score at the end of the day.

Now, before I do give you my review, I would like to share that, Baylor University is one of the best you can have in Texas, I am no way connected to the university but I have done quiet a research back then and it is highly rated amongst its competitors, well, at the end of the day it's your choice and whatever it is that you choose, don't let it dictate your future. Your future is made as a result of the decisions you make in life and as you've mentioned in your essay, you may have had a rough start, however, it a definitely a great and strong finish.

Going back to your essay, I must say, you have written this supplement essay with your heart in it, you are very honest in stating life's struggles and c'mon, who doesn't have a struggle in this life, everybody does, in the end what matters is that, we stand up, move on and start all over again with the lessons learned fro past experiences. I hope my insights helped and I wish you the best of luck in the endeavor!

Writing Feedback / A Walk to Margaret Falls. (Due Monday) Proof Read + Editing for Descriptive Essay [5]

Hi JC, thank you for writing back and acknowledging our assistance here on EF, I hope your revision is going to be a stronger essay than your draft and hopefully the suggestions and corrections make it even more meaningful and even more joyful to read.

Now, as much as we want you to write as often as you can, it will also help if you read a lot, this will definitely benefit you in your future writing projects as this will open your eyes to the different usage of the words, not only in the sentences but more importantly to the overall impact of the essay towards answering the prompt.

Moreover, we wish you well in submitting this descriptive essay and should you need further assistance, I believe google always help, however, writing us here on EF will absolutely do you a lot of good. Keep writing!

Writing Feedback / There are several steps to make a forest. Firstly, by spreading the seeds into the moist soil. [3]

HI Gigih, here's another one from my end.

- Nowadays,the ( don't forget your linking verbs ) forest is not only
- used as a place for biodiversity,
- but also as the main placesource of food in this globalizations era.
- It does not matter the big or the small there are. - I believe this sentence is not necessary

-Growing the forest in our backyard of the house just need approximately 2 years.
- There are some benefits ofin growing a forest,
- for example tothey produce the natural resources for vehicle .
- The main factor is soil and how to make sure that the water absorbed into it.
- we mustshould add some to it.

- On the other hand, the soil has microorganism that
- could make the soilgive life and
- contained nutrients ,
- because the task of the microorganism

There you have it Gigih, as you can see, there's still a lot more to do and enhance your essay and I hope you follow through with the corrections.

I left the last paragraph so you can practice editing yourself.

Undergraduate / Have you ever imagine how your life would be without these most important people around you? [2]

Hi Sarah, first of all, WELCOME to the Essay Forum Family, I hope you find this website to be helpful and rather valuable to your writing projects, we aim at providing you with the most accurate and comprehensive feedback in order to enhance your essay and make it more worthy of submission. Having said that, please find my thoughts below;

- Have you ever imagine how your life would
- be isif the most influentialthat person
- wasis not in itwith you ?
- the mos influencedThis people
- in my lifeare probably
- not even aware of the things
- they've thoughttaught me.
- My stepmother is the most influential factor in creatingperson in developing the person that I am today,
- throughout my life time .
- only 3 years old, (don't forget your punctuation marks )
- the one that takewho took care of me

There you have it Sarah, overall, you have to work on your linking verbs as well as the proper form of words that you incorporate in your sentences and I suggest that you write a couple more sentences to finally close the topic as it looks and presents a half done essay.

Writing Feedback / The stress in not our enemy - it may become a friend [2]

Hi Rosa, right of the bat, the title of the essay is quite confusing;

Kelly McGonigal: How to maketreat stress youras a friend

- become healthier and happier in their lives,
- however she was fret,
- ifshe thought if itwhat she was trying
- to do gavemake things worse
- sides rather than the good effects .
- At the first time, she has tried to maketreat stress - becameas an enemy but
- mind becausewith the help of a study
- which discovered 30000 adults in the
- experience in the last year and
- The study shownshowed that believing
- more of a danger rather than
- you know that you are inthe stress itself .
- your bodys response towards it,

There you have it Rosa, as you can see there are still a lot of work to be done in your essay and I hope the above corrections are helpful to your revision.

A little more work on your sentence construction and linking verbs.

Scholarship / Ideas on Scholarship essay - your plans for the future. [9]

Hi Nethiyaa, first of all, WELCOME to the Essay Forum Family, I hope this is just the start of an even more writing projects, we aim to provide you with the most credible and objective feedback in order for you to be able to revise and enhance your essay to make it better and to boost your confidence in submitting your essay.

Now, so you are aiming for one of the most sought after Chevening Scholarship and I believe, before making this decision, I assume you made loads of googling, reviewing, reading and investigating if you may, I say this because Chevening is one of those scholarships that most students and ambitious academic practitioner apply for, indeed, it's a tough one but I know that the rewards are absolutely outstanding.

So what do you write in your scholarship essay, well, I say two things that is very important;

- your academic background, journey and accomplishment
- your leadership background, achievements and goals

Once you have written this two, incorporate them to the mission and vision of the Chevening Scholarship and in the end, you should be able to showcase a parallel vision with the institution, should you be able to pull this through, you will be in good hands. Keep writing and post it here on EF so we can help you out.

Writing Feedback / Why do you think people decide to go to school? Use specific reasons and examples. [5]

Hi Rick, I would like to share a few insights for your essay.
Right of the bat, I must say that you started quiet strong in this essay, you made sure that you cover all the basis of essay writing, the introduction, the body and the conclusion, this is a very strategic writing approach.

However, the succeeding paragraphs, the 3rd and the conclusion is not as strong as it started, having said that, below are a few suggestions.

There yo have it Rick, overall, it is a well managed essay and a little revision will definitely make it better.

Undergraduate / "Write about something that you love to do" (200 words or fewer) - Yale essay [6]

Hi Chizaram, thank you for writing back and acknowledging our work here on EF, I hope you do write a lot more and hone your talent in writing, believe me it will not be easy, sometimes you get confuse, but hey, when you get use to it and you feel like writing, do it!, it will only make you better with time and with time you will also be able to discover a lot of writing techniques that will definitely be helpful in your future projects.

Just to share with you, it is with utmost enthusiasm that I root for you to be part of the prestigious Yale University, it will not be an easy ride as well,however, yo know that we are rooting for you and we know that you will absolutely well.

Becoming an alumna with such an institution will not only give you that edge but will also strengthen that passion to develop solutions that will be able to help and contribute to the financial world.

Having said all that, I hope you write more often and be very critical with your writing, it doesn't necessarily have to be for Yale or any other respected University, it can be a fun article or something that you'd like to write about, so keep writing!

Letters / 'Good connection with others' - Write a letter of application to the tourism office [9]

HI Sahar, welcome again, have you been reading too?, well, it will definitely help if you read as much as you can, as mentioned this will allow you to see and understand new words, words that you will be able to use in your future writing articles. This will also showcase a whole lot of examples in the usage of the words in a sentence that will be very handy on your future writing projects.

Speaking of which, as you are into leisurely writing, you can go ahead and write something that you love about, maybe something about the tourism industry, its current state, how does tourism help in the current economic situation of your town and the country as a whole, now if this is too formal to write about, you can try writing about your childhood, life experiences are usually the best topic to go when you want a topic to write about, it's something that you know very well, its an easy task that you should be able to write something about with ease.

Having said that, I hope that when you do write, post it here on EF so you will be able to get credible notes and even more valuable feedback about your writing progress. Keep writing.

Letters / 'Good connection with others' - Write a letter of application to the tourism office [9]

Hi Sahar, no worries at all, we are all here for you and we wish you the best of luck in this endeavor, do let us know what comes out of this application, we'd love to hear from you.

Should you need further assistance, it doesn't necessarily have to be an application letter or an official writing project, anything that you fancy writing about, you can post it here on EF and this will help you hone your skills in writing, not only that, this will also allow you to see your other potential in coming up with different kinds of writing projects.

When you do write, however, mind the English language rules, it will help if you review from time to time just to make sure that you didn't miss anything or if there' s any update at all, then you can associate this is your writing. Reading will also help you a lot, this will open your eyes to different use of words, words that you can use in your future writing projects. Overall, you have started to write and this is the first step to get better at something and this will only get you better with time.

Writing Feedback / The advantages caused to humans when the computer was invented. [2]

Hi Tram, upon reviewing your essay, there is no doubt that you understand and know what the essay is asking you to write about, however, this did not seem to transpire very well in the essay. Reason for this observation is because, as I was reading the essay, I got confused with the sentences you associated in the essay and to give you a more elaborate explanation on that, please find a few corrections below;

- However, in my view, there are many problems. many problems? like what? though the subject is established already, it won't hurt if you take it into account in this part of the essay.

- Initially, because computers do all the things thatso people should and can do, therefore, they end up be unemployed.
- workers will beget fired
- to decreasewith the hopes of decreasing the costs of manpower .
- Also, themass produce products
- of mass production are not featured and specific to the customers liking .
- After that, aA nother problem is health issues. - People who use computers a lot may getacquire - or loss of memory...among others.

There you have it Tram, as you can see, with the corrections, the idea is now complete, there is a huge difference of the thought of the sentences, its clarity and its meaning is now more comprehensible.

Writing Feedback / Caring for people and spreading happiness [4]

Hi Annie, WELCOME to the Essay Forum Family, we hope to assist you in your writing by providing you with the most credible and accurate feedback that will help you enhance your essay and hopefully develop a few writing techniques that you will be able to carry on your next writing projects.

Having said that, please find a few suggestions below;

- From mythese experiences,
- do to useshowcase my strengths
- and weaknesses, ( don't forget your punctuation marks )
- to spread positivity and that this is what
- I want to pursue in mythe future.
- and bring happiness in to them.
- them, will definitelycan really spread happiness. - Not only learning about my identity and my knowledge by my experiences and trying to be that "hero",- I believe this particular sentence is uncalled for, so we can go ahead and delete it

- I know that having the traits that I will have can impact to the society, a little step at a time.
- to usingsharing my strengths
- to others will continue in my lifefor so long as I can .
- in need is a passion I'd love toI will definitely pursue.

There you have it Annie, I hope the above remarks are helpful to your revision.Do let us know should you need additional assistance.

Writing Feedback / Could a Saturn Moon Harbor Life? (TED Summary) [3]

Hi Fauzan, here's another one from my end;

- Cassini Spacecraft had landed and reported
- active region atin the S outhern
- tip of Enceladus, thea small moon of Saturn.
- In 2005, there was ain the south polar region
- with thethere was a tiger-stripe
- fracturesfractured image captured by Cassini.
- the spot had half inof darkness was caused
- the discovery of the towering jet, ( don't forget your punctuation marks ) found that
- fractures atin the south pole.
- However, this phenomenon givegave a presumption
- Enceladus that can support prebiotic chemistry
- and form a sustainable life later.
- Scientists are very excited to wait forand are waiting for 2 years,later to see the development
- change and become an environment or a zone
- that can be suitable to living organisms.

There you have it Fauzan, well, this is a very interesting summary essay and a very promising findings from our scientist friends.

Writing Feedback / The death of the Thai king throws the country into turmoil [2]

Hi Patta, just to share with you, the past week has been a devastating one for the people of Thailand and for the rest of those who call it home, I have been to Thailand for a couple of times and I bet you, it is one the best places you want to spend your vacation to, you have beautiful places to visit, people are absolutely exceptional and the food is just the best mix of your favorites and must try dishes that will melt your heart and definitely fill your tummy. The King's passing is one that will be in Thailand's history and it is for all of us as well.

Moving on, please find a few enhancements to your essay below;
- After king of Thai's,the passing of Thailand's King Bhumibol Adulyadej is passed. Many, may people doubted
- the succession to go, not to beso soft in this monarchy country.
- Commonly,the milestone inof Thailand's politics involved byan army power.
- This situation able tois under control in King Bhumibol
- regime which was Thai's armyis loyal to the king
- but after his gonepassing, there is anthe day
- This country had a riot in 2014 where
- the action classclashed violently between the middle

- Thai's officials confirmed that prince,Prince Maha Vajiralongkorn
- For this situationIn this succession ,
- some analysts argued it may be caused friction
- because the princePrince is unpopular among Thai's.

There you have it Patta, one thing that is very important when you are writing current events and writing in general is, when your subject is very powerful, politics, actors and actresses, powerful business people, you have to make sure that you give that much deserved respect to there names by writing them with a capitalized first letter.

Writing Feedback / Summarize article : Extremely Dangerous' Hurricane Nicole to Pummel Bermuda [2]

Hi Andika, here's my take on your essay;

- Hurricane N icole makemade anthe
- effect forto the B ritish teritory
- of B ermuda over the night
- and potential to damaged a small island

-On a Wednesday, Bermuda and authorities
- on Wednesdayreported that they have beed affected - fromby the hurricane in the next day .
- RainIt rained all day in school and
- government offices,are warn for
- people re warned to stay inside.
- The solid infrastructure that are accustomed
- about theto storms make manymade people be safety since the rain and wind come over quicklysafe .

There you have it Andika, as you can see, there is quiet a lot of corrections to be done in your essay and I hope you follow through with the suggested enhancements, I left the last paragraph so you will be able to practice editing the essay yourself, this will be a good practice that you can also do to other articles here on EF, believe me, it will help you develop your writing skills.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2: The roles of computers in the modern life [4]

Hi Tony, I would like to share a few insight to your essay but before I do, I would like to make mention that the advancement of technology in the use of computers to be particular, has done a tremendous job in making our lives easier than we ever expected. I remember when my parents use to write each other a hand written note and it will take a few days,weeks and even months, before they can respond or receive a reply, this is due to the fact that the letter goes through a lot of hands, a lot of factors are to be considered in order for the letter to make it back to my mom or my dad.

Well, hey, nowadays, my dad sends a text message and presto, in a matter of seconds, my dad receives it and can reply in an instant, to the delight of my mom, what I'm trying to draw is, the advancement of technology has definitely brought us a huge advantage and edge towards life and how we live it, however, coupled with this advantage are a few disadvantages that I believe is all in the hands of the person who is responsible in using and taking care of it.

Moving on, below are my thoughts on your essay;

- Therefore, I thinkbelieve ( be firm in your ideas and what you believe in ) the advantages
- of using computers to instatereplace or fill some job
- If this advanceThis advancement is widely common
- to the firms,
- the productivity may riseraise the profit,
- there is also country's revenue can be improved
- and improveseventually enhance human's life.
- Besides that,the government
- should be considerate on trainings tofor the unskilled
- worker class to be better and get the good jobs.

There you have it Tony, I hope the above remarks and corrections help in your revision.

Undergraduate / I want to bring my creativity and diversity to Yale because Yale is the right place for me. [4]

Hi Chizaram, first of all, I must say, Good JOB! in finding and being courageous in choosing such a prestigious institution, one of the best there is in the market today, they have made there mark in the World of Academe and you will never go wrong, bearing the name of the institution in your future credentials.

Moving on, I would like to add a few suggestions to enhance your essay.

- When I graduated secondary school, I went into the business of retailing
- of male clothes and accessories
- to have an understanding of the world of finance.
- I want a schoolbelieve in an institution that will give
- me the opportunities to create,
- boundaries. Like, just like the new course
- introduced to Yale CS department: the introduction
- will offer me opportunities to share my ideas,
- explore my interests and apply them toin the real world focus .
- I want towill bring my creativity and
- diversity to Yale because Yale is the rightthe institution where I belongplace for me .

There you have it Chizaram, I hope the above remarks and corrections are helpful and the Best of Luck to you and do let us know what comes out of this application, we'd love to hear from you.

Writing Feedback / A difference between tourism now and in the past. [4]

Hi Le, following your essay, I must say, indeed, the tourism industry has changed a lot, I remember, back in the day, I was happy to go to the carnival or when its time for them to visit our little town, my heart would go pounding as I know it will be a fun filled week, then my family ventured on a camping trip and that was just an amazing experience, years went by and as I grow up, we learned how to book our own airline tickets without the help of an agent and do our own itinerary with a few clicks online, this is just my take on the difference of tourism from then and now, indeed, it's a huge development and hopefully, everyone will be responsible to make good use of this development.

Now, enough of my inputs, please find a few suggestions below, to enhance your essay.

- InOver the last century,
- travel is too hard withfor people.
- Nowadays, we can get to places that
- When they gotgo back home,
- they have manya lot of stories to tell.
- NowadaysThis days , big travel companies
- to meet the local people
- and see realventure to the real land scape of the country .

- tourists who gogoes out of the resort.
- Although some visitors do,

There you have it Le, I hope the above remarks are helpful to your essay revision.

Writing Feedback / The report show that toursim has many negative effects on the countries that people travel to. [3]

Hi Dau, WELCOME to the Forum, I hope you find this website helpful.
Now, as you said in your essay, indeed, tourism is a very profitable addition to a country and it offers great opportunities for employment, however, just like any other industry, there are drawbacks in this industry too.

Anyhow, I have a few suggestions to enhance your essay.

- Tourism is very important withto many countries.
- It brings a lot of money for these countries, buthowever, itis can also cause problem.
- Tourists believe that travelling to wonderful places
- of a country can help their life better.
- The culture, landscapes are the tourism destination
- that is possible to improve more
- income of afor the country.
- With the growing number of tourists,
- the government also has build public and health facilities;
- huge nature problems of ain the country.
- One of the worst effects of tourism is the presence
- sotherefore, local people can find ...

There you have it Dau, I hope the above remarks are helpful to your revision.

Writing Feedback / A number of jobs have been lost when computers replaced many positions [2]

Hi Luu, below are my thoughts for your essay;

- FromOver the last century,
- the technology has increased more and more withat high speed.
- Along with advanced technology,the computer system has grown.
- They are manya lot of big benefits.
- We can use the internet service to get connected to people
- all over the world,
- expanding knowledge, developing economy,...and a lot more advantages that we have never expected to happen.

- One of the mostthis disadvantage is unemployment.
- A number of jobs have beenare lost whenand computers have replace many positions.
- Postman, who delivers letters, money and others things, ishas disappeared
- because ofdue to express, email and ATM machine.
- Nowadays, pP eople use computer system

There you have it Luu, I left a few sentences for you to practice editing yourself by following the corrections made above.
I hope this helps and also, when you write, refrain from using a continues period like (......), instead, you can say, "and so on" or you can add a closing phrase.