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Posts by Dioba
Name: Dioba Dilianto
Joined: Sep 13, 2016
Last Post: Dec 8, 2016
Threads: 68
Posts: 97  
From: Indonesia
School: Sepuluh Nopember Institute of Technology

Displayed posts: 165 / page 4 of 5
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Dioba   
Oct 4, 2016
Writing Feedback / A Five-hundred-meter Aperture Spherical Telescope called FAST was began spying on outer space [2]

IELTS Summary Task Biggest radio telescope on Earth ready to receive alien signals

A Five-hundred-meter Aperture Spherical Telescope called FAST was began spying on outer space since 25 September. FAST become the largest radio telescope in the world in which 200 meters bigger than its closest rival, the Arecibo Observatory in Puerto Rico was built in the 1960. The major functions of FAST are measure radio waves in space, allowing scientists study the rotation of galaxies, keep an eye on the behavior of pulsars and signals sent from aliens. Located in mountainous area of Guizhou Province in south-western China, make it was protected from radio-wave interference such as signals sent by cell phones and Wi-Fi. Furthermore, FAST will able to see dimmer objects better than Arecibo telescope can detect. Because of the size of FAST is very large, it means FAST collects more light. The advantage of FAST is FAST makes a faint signal more clearly. On the contrary, FAST was difficult moved his dish for observe different region of space. To anticipate that problem, FAST mirrored panels and its receiver are designed to move in conjunction, allowing experts observed at whatever part of the space.
Dioba   
Oct 4, 2016
Writing Feedback / Discussion: Free Trade and lack of capital, low standard products, and unskilled workers [4]

Hi Yonathan,after reading your summary, i have some suggestions, perhaps useful for you.
1. ... higher quality and cheaper than the local industries will ...
2. If the government (...) and drawbacks carefully ( dont forget put comma to make this sentence clearly ) the free trade will ...
3. wrong spelling grammar
think their unique products
local industry ----> local industries
Dioba   
Sep 29, 2016
Writing Feedback / Specialist schools, grammar schools, voluntary-controlled schools are programs and their pupils. [2]

The table represents information about percentage of pupils attending four secondary school types between 2000 and 2009. Overall, specialist schools, grammar schools and voluntary-controlled schools are programs in which gradually during 9 years. It is importance to notice that only community schools were increased dramatically. Between 2000 and 2009, grammar schools and specialist schools are decreased. Both of them fell from 12 percent to one in ten and from less than a quarter to 12 percent. Furthermore, specialist schools decreased gradually by 1 percent in each 2005 and 2009. At the same time, voluntary-controlled decreased dramatically from approximately a half to one-fifth. On the contrary, community schools always increase dramatically from 12 percent in 2000 to more than a half in 2009.



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Dioba   
Sep 29, 2016
Writing Feedback / SUMMARS TEDx HOW TO LEARN AN LANGUAGE IN SIX MONTH [3]

After reading your summary,i have some advice,perhaps useful for you.Keep writing!
1. ... talked about learn the second language. they said this is hard ...-----> you must put dot after "language" to make this sentence clearly.

2. wrong spelling words.
efectively -----> effectively
only six month ------> months
strategy- ----> strategies
doesnt -----> does not
patern -----> pattern
psicological -----> psychological
3. According to the speaker everybody can belonging stranger language only six month, the progress ...------> remember, put dot after "speaker" to make the sentence clearly
Dioba   
Sep 29, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS Summary Task BlackBerry's Rise and Fall in 10 Phones [4]

The era of BlackBerry has end. BlackBerry company officially announced would stop designing and producing its own product. The major reason for BlackBerry's stopped is iPhone changed everything with their numerous of innovation and BlackBerry was too slow to adapt with it. To face the future, BlackBerry itself will live as a software and services provider. Nowadays, BlackBerry was made the most revenue from software, it is contrary from the past. The software business holds nearly as many challenges today as hardware did a decade ago. Furthermore, it may be difficult to remember in 2016, but BlackBerry was once not just a dominant force, but the most innovative company, with handsets beloved by businesses, politicians, and fast-typists in the past. The behavior of the business it is chasing is evolving rapidly, with strong new competitors coming in. BlackBerry is not starting from dominant position this time around, so it is less vulnerable to that sort of disruption, but it is not going to be an easy way.
Dioba   
Sep 29, 2016
Writing Feedback / Summary : The September 30 Black Moon Explained [3]

After reading your summary,i have some advice,perhaps useful for you.
1.Nowadays , people is extremely interesting ... -----> Nowdays, people isextremely interesting(sometimes you can use fascinated or draw) in all event relating to the moon ...

2.This happened because ofthe moon surface that is ...
... black shadow from the Earth.
Dioba   
Sep 29, 2016
Writing Feedback / TED summary Task Every Kids Need Champion [3]

Rita Pierson, a teacher, spent her entire life either the schoolhouse or the way to the schoolhouse. She is come from educator families, both of her parents are teacher. She taught since 4 decades ago. So she can look at education reform from other views. Some of those changes have been good but some of them have been bad. She argued that poverty, low attendance and negative influences are the common reasons of the kids drop out. She regrets why people never discuss about the value and the vital of human relations. She also said quotes from James Comer that no significant relationship will affected to zero significant learning. Furthermore, she told about her journey taught in which low academically class. She got essential point from his mother experiences. When her mother passed away and so many her mother students came to her funeral. The point is her mother left a legacy of relationships that could never lost.
Dioba   
Sep 29, 2016
Writing Feedback / Specialist, Grammar, and Voluntary-controlled Schools are programs which decreased gradually [3]

Hi Alam,after reading your summary, i have some suggestions, perhaps useful for you.
1.wrong spelling words
desreased ----> decreased
comprison -----> comparison
2.Between 2000 and 2009, there are two schools that dropped ...----> there were
3.While Community Schools is the only one school that increased ... ----> don not need put one
4.And Voluntary-controlled School dropped (...) half to a fifth% .------> use conjunction word such as furthermore,meanwhile
Dioba   
Sep 29, 2016
Writing Feedback / A small country with big ideas - Costarica [6]

Hi Alam,after reading your summary, i have some suggestions, perhaps useful for you.
1. Costarica is one of the developing countries which located at right side in the middle of Americas.
2. wrong spelling word
electrity ----> electricity
3. It country have nearly five million people. ----> This country have nearly five million citizens
4.So that their can power their cars, buses, and trains. ------> So they can produce power for their cars, buses, and trains.
Dioba   
Sep 29, 2016
Writing Feedback / Which Communication Skills are being necessary in Your Job? [3]

Hi eve01,after reading your summary, i have some suggestions, perhaps useful for you.
1.over a ninth-year period.----> nine period
2. the most largest ----> The largest (for superlative), not the most largest
3.1997 and 2006 rose slightly by 5 % for dealing with people, 6 % for experience services or products and 3% for caring for customers, (...) fell slightly by 2 % . ---> sometimes you can use "very small number" for change 5%, 6%, etc.

4.consistent with your tenses
Dioba   
Sep 28, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS Summary Task American Bike Project where to Sleep [2]

Tyler Metcalfe, as a National Geographic Travel photographer, quit his job and sold off his properties to do a journey of cross-country cycling. It is likely that a touring cyclist will sleep in a different place of their journey. The major problem from travelers using bicycle is finding place to sleep. He argued that finding a place to sleep often result in some of the most frustrating, exciting, and even scary moments of a trip. Furthermore, he said that the best option for finding a good place to sleep on a bike tour is campsites. Travelers can choose a number of options to reserve tent campsites with relatively cheap cost. Campsites also usually offer fire pits, running water, restrooms, and usually are located near park visitor centers. Second, Hotels and motels are become other option. Stay in a hotel it offers some sort amenities such as laundry services, showers and a soft bed. Third, hostels also provide options for cyclists looking to find comfortable and cheap. The benefits of hostels are lower costs but almost same facilities like hotels
Dioba   
Sep 28, 2016
Writing Feedback / Scientist found that BRCA 1 and 2 are powerful cancer genes markers [3]

Hi Saritrisna,after reading your summary, i have some suggestions, perhaps useful for you.

1.Wrong spelling words
-Of course, it was he worst choice.----> the worst

... family tree to an online BRCA risk-assesstmenttool . ---> assesment tools

2.Both of them had a irritate treatments even though it was very precise.----> had an irritated
3. It could be increase the possibility ...
Dioba   
Sep 28, 2016
Writing Feedback / The more we talk to others, the more links gets stronger - 7 Ways to Make Conversation With Anyone [5]

Conversations are links. Every time we talked with someone we never know before, a tiny link is formed. The more we talk to others, the more links gets stronger. In every conversation construct new links. Conversation is interesting process. The benefits of this process are establish a connection, process learn something new, gives a whole new perspective and experience for us. The major question is how to make a conversation with anyone. Malavika Varadan, a radio presenter, she has a conversation with almost 1.6 million people that she never seen every morning. She suggests some advice about how to make conversation with anyone. First, word flood gates, it is means said first word in the beginning of conversation will affect everything. Second, she suggest skip the small talk. That means leaving the chit chat and directly to the personal question. Third, find something that us and other person might have in common. Furthermore, give a unique impression and ask for an notion.
Dioba   
Sep 28, 2016
Writing Feedback / Writing IELTS Task 1: Compare Water Usage in San Diego, California and the Rest of the World [2]

Hi erwin,after reading your summary, i have some suggestions, perhaps useful for you.
1.graph . ----> that is the pie chart, not graph.
2.Industry showed a third of figure . Agriculture was used at 28%. ----> figure is to general. maybe you can mention second pie chart.
3.The graph illustrates the consumption3 types water used (residential, industry, and agriculture) in 3 regions.----> not talking about many types of water, but what are used water for.
Dioba   
Sep 28, 2016
Writing Feedback / Summary 2 Pie charts represent water usage in San Diego,California and Worldwide [5]

The pie charts represent about water usage in San Diego, California and the rest of the world. Overall, San Diego is the region in which have the biggest water usage for residential and California is the region which is the biggest water usage for industry. Different from San Diego and California, Worldwide is the region which is the biggest water usage for agriculture. In San Diego and Worldwide, both of them have the same number water usage for industry.

Resident is the highest user of water in San Diego and California. In San Diego reach three-fifths water usage and California approximately two-fifths. On the other hand, only a very small number water usage by resident in worldwide. Worldwide have a significant proportion of water usage by agriculture. In contrary, Agriculture is the lowest water usage in San Diego approximately 17%. Not only San Diego, but also worldwide have the same percentage of water usage for industry by 23 percent.



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Dioba   
Sep 28, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 2 : Benefits of work-at-home jobs to the employees and the employers [2]

Hi Joniputr4,after reading your summary, i have some suggestions, perhaps useful for you.

1.In the advance of technology, in current era,----> i suggest you to use "In this era in which advance of technology has been spreading"

2. The first reason for this is that it can saves time for ...
3.... because they can have it via [...] because they can do it via ...

be careful with punctuation.
Dioba   
Sep 27, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS Article Writing Task 1 Refugee Fence and Solar Plant May Wipe Out One of the Rarest Mammals [2]

Hi Yonathan,after reading your summary, i have some suggestions, perhaps useful for you.
1.started to relocate Vojvodina mole rats as part of an effort to relocate them to safety ---->started to relocated Vojvodina mole rats as part of an effort to moved the to safe place

2. 400 individuals left in the world and inhabit only in Hungary and the province of Vojvodina ...----> 400 individuals left in the world in which inhabit only in the province of Vojvodina, Hungary in Northen Serbia

3.Park where some of mole rat population----->Park where some of mole rats population
Dioba   
Sep 27, 2016
Writing Feedback / Shawn Anchor believes that our brain views can shapes our reality. [6]

IELTS Summary TED The Happy Secret for Better Work

Shawn Anchor believes that our brain views can shapes our reality. Not only change our brain views, but also we can change the lens in which has effect on our happiness, educational and business outcome at the same time. He tried to find the key to understanding the science of happiness. He said that our external world is predictive of our happiness, we just know only 10 percent of long-term happiness. Fortunately, the most gives impact is how to our brain views processes of the world. That is the formula for happiness and success. We can change our mind, automatically we can affect reality. From his research, he find that only a quarter job successes are predicted by IQ, the rest are predicted by our optimism levels, social supports and the last our ability to see stress as a challenge. When our brain positive performs, it will rises other aspects such as creativity and energy.
Dioba   
Sep 27, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS SUMMARY MONTH IS LEARNING VACATION [4]

Hi,after reading your summary, i have some suggestions, perhaps useful for you.
1.rensponsible ---> responsible
2.which are ----> which is or in which
3.results to enjoy their vacation for example-----> do not forget to put your dot after vacation word.
be carreful with your punctuation
4. .Why,because-----> it is make me confuse.Is it question word or statment word?
5. hone improve the knowledges or skills and even, can more economic economically the budgets of theirs.
Dioba   
Sep 27, 2016
Writing Feedback / TED Summary : Let's Teach for Mastery by Sal Khan [11]

Hi Yonathan,after reading your summary, i have some suggestions, perhaps useful for you.
1. ... based on the score they get. got
2. In real life---> in the real life
3.Salman Khan stated that traditional academic model ... -----> better if you use argued
4.give the best result the contractor just give a bad score to them.---> dont forget to put comma,be carreful with your punctuation
Dioba   
Sep 27, 2016
Writing Feedback / Almost one-third of travelers each year prefer learning program more than other types of vacations [2]

IELTS Summary Task:Learning Vacations

In recent years, surveys show almost one-third of travelers each year more prefer choose learning program more than other types of vacations. The main reason is they can enjoy the value of a vacation with new ways, not only just spending their time for useless thing. A couple of years ago, types of vacations are more preferred for young people such as students of French spending their time studying language in Paris and students which is focus on marine environment learn how to diving and accompany researchers become their assistance. Now, so many travel programs offer some educational endeavors. For example schools in Britain providing some courses such as history and philosophy for travelers in which enroll in residential colleges around the country or travelers can honing their cooking skills and how to prepared traditional meals. Not only got new experiences, but also improve knowledge and skills.
Dioba   
Sep 27, 2016
Writing Feedback / Comparing car theft - numbers of robbed vehicles in different countries [4]

Hi rizaldohabibie,after reading your summary, i have some suggestions, perhaps useful for you.
1.presents the information about car robbery in one decade---->robberies (plural)
2.in the last year on 1999, had a gradual decline than several years before---> gradually declining or decreased gradually
3.Great Britain possessed two peak points [...] the last year was close in 7,000 cars.---->it is too much for become one sentence. better if you put some conjunction words to divide to 2 or 3 sentences. put some conjunction words such as although, futhermore, eventhough to make your passage more smoothly.
Dioba   
Sep 27, 2016
Writing Feedback / The chart shows international tourism is the highest incomes [3]

Overall, the chart shows international tourism is the highest incomes. On the other hand, meat products are the most minimize incomes. Meat products are decrease gradually from 2005 to 2025. In 2005, the income of meat products is 4 billion dollars, but it decrease during 20 years with revenue 3 billion dollars in 2025. The total income from meat products during 20 years in the amount of 10 billion dollars and 2005 become the best annual income for meat products. Dairy products increase dramatically from 2005 to 2015 with difference almost 3 billion dollars and a little of decrease after 10 years. The total income from dairy products is 20,5 billion dollars. On the contrary from meat products, international tourism are increased gradually during 2005 to 2025 with the total income 21 billion dollars. Start from 2005 which has income 6 billion dollars to 2025 with income almost 8 billion dollars. Compare with the others, International tourism become the greatest income in 2005 and 2025. But dairy products become greatest income in 2015.
Dioba   
Sep 27, 2016
Writing Feedback / The percentages of Bulgarian people who wished to live abroad [3]

Hi Chacaaaaaaa,after reading your summary, i have some suggestions, perhaps useful for you.
1.The given bar chart gives some the information about the ...
2.who wished to live abroad----> in which/whom
3.it looked decrease 4 % than its percentages ...----> decreased
4.Unfortunately, it decline significantly to 9 % in 200----> decrease significantly or declining (process of drecrease)
Dioba   
Sep 27, 2016
Writing Feedback / TED Summary: Changing the Face of Fashion By Mariah Idrissi [6]

Hi Fitri12,after reading your summary, i have some suggestions, perhaps useful for you.
1.When she waschosen as a Hijabi model-----> past tense.
2.that a muslimah whowhom wears hijab is
3.By wearing hijab, she is still able to be her own self.
Dioba   
Sep 25, 2016
Writing Feedback / TED Summary Task: A new way to grow bone [3]

Molly Steven is a head of a biomaterials lab and she is really fascinated about material engineering. Bone is one of the tissues in our body. She said that humans always try to keep health and minimize suffering. Human also find way to used materials in really creative ways in the body for face many diseases. For example when the bones had fracture and we need to repair the bone crack, iliac crest harvest is the solution. The iliac crest procedures are takes some bone from our iliac crest and transplant somewhere else in the body. Unfortunately, it might have significant pain even 2 years after the operation. From that problem, she uses the same approach as well as iliac crest to solve the bone crack. The main idea is inject underneath it a liquid, lead to the proliferation and they can form lots of new tissue.
Dioba   
Sep 25, 2016
Writing Feedback / The shortage of nurses largely affects the health care system around the world [3]

Hi dils, after reading your summary, i have some suggestions, perhaps usefull for you.
1.Thus , this migration actually leave some problems behind both in ...--->this is conclusion sentence. i suggest you to use finally or overall.
2.Different with developed countries, the shortage ------>Different from developed countries, the shortage.
for compare condition.
3.The shortage of nurses largely affects ----> The shortage of nurseshas largely affects
4.this shortage primary because nurses -----. this shortage primaryfactor because nurses or the main factor ...
Dioba   
Sep 25, 2016
Writing Feedback / Summary TED Willie Smits: Samboja Lestari [4]

Hi MJT,after reading your summary, i have some suggestions, perhaps usefull for you
1."Samboja Lestari, East Borneo, one of the places ..."---you need to put the verb. better you write "Samboja Lestari is one of the places for rescuing orangutans and forest."

2.you should consistent use East Kalimantan or East Borne. Dont make the reader confuse.
3.but it is horrible because it is proof --->be careful with your grammatical.
4.r western countries is what iscausing these problems-----> In which causes
5.When deforestation was opened f or growing oil palms---->When deforestation were dissapear for growing oil palms
6.it will be creating CO2 volcanoes that----->better if you use produce.creating more prefer for something new.
Dioba   
Sep 25, 2016
Writing Feedback / TED Summary Lighting Up Indonesia's Future [2]

"Indonesia Mengajar" is innovation program from the Minister of Education which is aim to developing our education in Indonesia. The backgrounds of this program because unequal distributions of the teachers in Indonesia and the quality of the teachers is low. From the facts, the best way is try to send the best young generation to become elementary schools teachers in most remote areas. In his standpoint, he argued that he choose elementary schools because almost 66% of elementary schools are understaffed. The presence of volunteers of "Indonesia Mengajar are not only for teach a lesson, Anis also want them to inspire and become role model. Not only for education purpose, but also young people Indonesian has opportunities to live the people with of this country. Their will live with hard conditions. Hopefully, that experience will useful when they become leaders in future. They will become world-class competency and grassroots understanding.
Dioba   
Sep 22, 2016
Writing Feedback / In Philippines, many nurses usually choose to look for a job overseas, than stay in their country [3]

Hi Alamsyah,after reading your summary, i have some suggestions, perhaps usefull for you
1.Word spelling mistake:
In the develop country, for example in Philippines,----> developing
overses ----> overseas
In the other sides, in the developing countries ------> developed
2.be a major reason of their choosing ----> be a major reason of their decision
3. But , in the United States, ----> change with Meanwhile
Dioba   
Sep 22, 2016
Writing Feedback / The world will become a very scary place if we lose our listening skills [2]

Listening is one of the parts of communication. In general, almost people spend their time in communication for listening. Listening is the process making meaning from sound, process of extraction and essence. In other situation, listening have a patterns which is we can recognize, like someone in party situation. Culture, language, values and attitudes categorized as the filters from all noisy sound. So people recognize patterns to distinguish noise from signal. Listening is the access to understanding each other.Unfortunately, people retain just 25 percent of what they hear. This means that people becoming desensitized and it is becoming problem. When media using some kind of words like shock, scandal and sensation as their headline to get our attention.It is harder for us to pay attention. This is become serious problem if we losing our listening. The consequences is the world become very scary place.
Dioba   
Sep 22, 2016
Writing Feedback / Numerous negative effects were caused by nurse migration [2]

Hi,after reading your summary, i have some suggestions, perhaps usefull for you
1.Numerous negative effects ... ---->Various of negatives effects were caused by nurse migration
2.Wrong spelling words :
cauntries ---> countries
Amerika ----->America
3.in developing countries such as sub-Saharan Afrika ...
4.choser to go to ----> prefer to choose
5. to get a big earn -----> to get high salaries or earn money
6.myriad ----> not fit with Health theme, it is usually use for environment issue.i prefer choose many or various.
Dioba   
Sep 22, 2016
Writing Feedback / TED Summary Jamie Oliver Talk About Obesity and Food [2]

Hi Yonathan,after reading your summary, i have some suggestions, perhaps usefull for you
1.biggest death factor is caused by heart disease
2.local and fresh, but now, big companies......-----> local and fresh, but now big companies ....
In America, the biggest death factor is caused ----->you must put comma after "America" (punctuation mistake)
3.enjoying
eats
Dioba   
Sep 22, 2016
Writing Feedback / TED_Video: How to Be a Good Mentor [4]

Hi Hanachi,after reading your summary, i have some suggestions, perhaps useful for you

1. In which a good team needs a good mentor to guide them
2.likened ----> like
3. a good team, they had three characteristics for become the real successful teams.
4.Be carefull with punctuations.
... really successful teams,First, they showed ...-----> put dot, not comma before "first".
5.Thirdly , had women in them....---->better if you use first,second and the last to close the explanation sentence.
6.There are some steps, as,including approach each mentorship differently
Dioba   
Sep 22, 2016
Writing Feedback / Today, the health care system world is threatened by nurse migration [2]

IELTS Summary Task : Nurse Migration

Today, the health care systems world are threatens by nurse migration. This migration are caused by vary and complex problems. Higher salaries and better quality of life are some reasons why nurses moving from native country to wealthier countries. In some region especially developing nations such as South Asia and Latin America, the primarily reason for the shortage is nurse working abroad to meet demand needs in Europe and North America. The other case occurred in Philippines. They send thousands nurse working abroad and got income one billion dollar annually. The consequences of those policy is the Philippines feel the effects of the nursing shortage. Furthermore, the side effect of nurse migration is their leaving of health care up to assistant nurses, who have rudimentary training. Meanwhile, developed countries invest and focus on retaining and rewarding nurses, both financially and high-quality working conditions
Dioba   
Sep 22, 2016
Writing Feedback / The nursing shortage is still a problem in both developing and developed countries [3]

Hi Yonathan,after reading your summary, i have some suggestions, perhaps usefull for you
1."countries to get better salarysalaries and better"
2."....In developing countries some patients go ...
In developed countries like Europe and North America....."--->put conjunction word to make one sentence to each other are connected.you can use Furthermore,meanwhile,etc....

Furthermore I or Meanwhile in developed countries ..."
3."to wealthier countries to get better"---> to wealthier countries for get better
4.decline---->declines
Dioba   
Sep 21, 2016
Writing Feedback / The incredible story of Hula Dancing and Hawaii. Gorgeous islands. [2]

Women with grass skirts, garlands of leaves with anklets are dancing in near beach, almost people evokes these are the characteristics of Hawaiian dancer. This is becoming general stereotype when the society mentions Hawaii islands. As we know, Hawaii islands are one of best destination places in the world. Not only about the beautiful panorama of the beaches, but also about the Hawaiian culture. Hawaiian people have local traditional dance. It is called Hula dance. The origins of Hula dance, some women dance performed in near altar in honor of God or Goddess. But in this era, the purpose of Hula dance is for entertainment tourist. In eighteenth century, the Hula dance was changing as a result of merge culture between Hawaiian culture with European culture. Recently year, Hula dance has become a form of entertainment for tourist and cultural heritage for native Hawaiians.
Dioba   
Sep 21, 2016
Writing Feedback / Summary 7: Hula Dancing in Hawaiian Culture [5]

Hi erwin,after reading your summary, i have some suggestions, perhaps usefull for you.
1. "which be located in the Pacific Ocean"----> which is or in which
2. "its styles have changed over time."-----> it is
3. you need to put some conjunction in some sentence to make it connect for one sentence to each other, and make it fascinate (ex:furthermore, although, eventhough, etc)
Dioba   
Sep 21, 2016
Writing Feedback / Find this out friends. EILTS Summary 5_Hola Dancing in Hawaiian Culture [3]

Hi fatirtalent,after reading your summary, i have some suggestions, perhaps usefull for you.
1.Hawai Island ----> as we know, Hawai is an archipelago.
2.Hawai Islandis renowned ---->Hawai islands are reowned
3."Hawai Island is renowned with its traditional culture, called Hula dancing." ---> no need put comma after culture word.

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