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Posts by RAY93
Name: Rabiatul Adawiyah Yahya
Joined: Mar 14, 2016
Last Post: Mar 22, 2017
Threads: 35
Posts: 166  
From: Indonesia
School: Flip Engliah, Kampung Inggris Pare

Displayed posts: 201 / page 5 of 6
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RAY93   
Mar 28, 2016
Writing Feedback / Plenty of people have interested to be entrepreneur based on a wide range of reasons [3]

hi, yusri. here my comments. thanks

in recent years, plenty of people have interested to be entrepreneur --> an entrepreneur/entrepreneurs

For my part , from my opinion
I suppose tha t there are a lot of benefits which will be got --> no need to write like that

The entrepreneur needs those problems as a challenge to be better,this problem (according to your previous explanation)

According to the recent data from Indonesia Labor Institute (ILI) showed that the entrepreneurs have a strong role to reduce the unemployment rate in the country.

you used the same resource as your additional information

All in all, based on the some considerations explained, I believe ...
RAY93   
Mar 28, 2016
Writing Feedback / A lot of people tend to build their own business rather than working in one industry. [4]

hi, Nida. here my comments. keep writing. thanks

Becomingentrepreneur is --> need article : an entrepreneur
in business market . no need
[s]Thruthfully -->misspelling, truthfully
This is because OF business' owner
cannot get definite revenue every month or even every day.monthly, daily revenue
There is no doubt that the people who want to build their own business are ready to be prepared for the challenges and risks faced in the future --> have to be well prepared to face the challenges and risks at the future

To open new business is a goodchance and opportunityfor the society. redundancy

In the fact that they have not relationship with industry which prosecutes them to work.less cohesion to the previous paragraph

To sum up,bright business -->profitable, big, tough are the proper adjective
you need to reduce the using of people in your essay, by paraphrasing, using relative pronoun or change your writing style

RAY93   
Mar 28, 2016
Writing Feedback / The massive usage of electronic media has a drawback on the society's private relationships. [2]

the use of electronic media has a negative effect on personal relationship between people.
to what extent do you agree or disagree


The information technology has vastly advanced and hold important role in 21th century life. It is then argued that the massive using electronic media has a drawback on the society's private relationship. To some extent, I believe that this issue is not only brings a dire effect but it has aroused several severe problems at once.

It can't be denied that the various sophisticated technologies have brought easiness and convenient for people regarding to the way they communicate each other, particularly for those in intense relationship like a spouse or a couple. The important news or information can be accessed fast through their mobile phone unlike in the past when it took time even just for asking their recent news as well as the time needed for accepting the feedback. They used to interact each other by letter, telegram, pager or line telephone which caused hard to keep update and keep in touch. These days, it is no longer obstacle for people personal relationship as electronic media ease their communication pathway. Unfortunately, it has created another problems need to face by those to keep their bond.

Those who are in a certain private relation may find some difficulties triggered by their using of electronic media. At first, obviously it has transformed their intense communication way while they only need features on their smartphone like message, email, video call or even social media to share their information. They are likely and often interact through screen than face to face. Another reason is it creates distance while they meet and talk each other through virtual world rather than directly meet or date in some places. By this, there is a great chance to deceit or even dishonest since their relation as not as strength as the people in the past are. Although they are then meet directly, they just still focus on their own gadget without awareness or need to build passionate conversation.

To sum up, I extremely believe that there are some detrimental effects for using electronic media on people private communication with their couple or spouse. Therefore, they need to restrict the using of it and try to build healthy relationship by more pay attention each other.
RAY93   
Mar 28, 2016
Writing Feedback / Crucial factors which influence the successful students to take a job between school and university. [3]

Hi, Yusri. here my comments. keep writing. Thanks

related TO this situation --> need preposition
Personally, I encourage students who want to continue their study in the university and preferring to take the job after finishing their study in the university. --> repetition of the exact information. in fact, you can just mention it once.

their studies

According to the one of research --> no need article 'The'
successful of the students is the work experience.

The students who have a work experience will be much more superior to IN the class.
Therefore, it is better when the people
continue their study their studies

try to paraphrase the word 'students' by high school leavers, high school alumni, studentchildren and so on instead of using people
RAY93   
Mar 28, 2016
Writing Feedback / The merit and drawback of working before attending university for high school leavers [2]

Some suggest that young people should take a job for a few years between school and university.
Discuss what the advantages and disadvantages might be for people who do this.


It is argued that better if student enrich their knowledge and experience by taking paid job before attending university rather than directly continue their education in the higher level. Thus, it has aroused contradict opinion regarding to the benefit and drawback of this issue. However, I believe that young people need to pursue their tertiary education degree first before involved in working.

Supporters of the idea that high school leavers should work in a few years before study at college concern about the experience and skill which could be obtained by them in work field. They would have enlarged proficiency, particularly practical skill, instead of only written theory dictated to them during study at the educational institutions. Young people work in a certain industry or office can increase their social ability among labors and also with them in the higher position, improve their general knowledge about manufacturing and business field, build their discipline and personal character as the part of human resource in their work as well as a chance to gather and manage their finance. Obviously, they will have more experience and information as their preparation to face adult life hood in both campus and future career.

On the other hand, they may lack the opportunity to be granted degree earlier at university as they spend their time for working formerly. Even the experience and knowledge are important for the bright resume for seeking job, but the first prerequirement looking by employers is at least their bachelor certificate. Those who have related major or educational background with the career position offered would have the priority to be accepted whether they are experienced or not. It is pivotal for high school alumni for attending higher education and then finishes their study as their basic to compete on the real work life.

To sum up, there is an advantage and disadvantage for young generation who chose to work before continue their study at campus. Yet, I disagree that they should take a job first since education is more essential for fulfilling their well-paid and stable occupation at future.
RAY93   
Mar 28, 2016
Writing Feedback / The benefits of making start up business instead of being worker for another company [2]

Some people decide to start their own business instead of working for a company or organisation. Do the advantages for people working for their own business outweigh the disadvantages?

The wealthy people are those who work as businessmen. The trend that people are more likely to open their own business rather than being labor or work for another person has become popular as the desire of them to be more individual and have their financial freedom by leading their own business empire. I believe that the benefits of this are remarkably outweigh the drawbacks that they plausibly gain.

Those who bravely create start up business may get difficulties during their force particularly for funding and giving an influence to the investor. The main obstacle need to face by these newbie entrepreneurships is the lack of money which is essential to conduct their business. By this, they need to look for potential sponsorships in the large number too who entrust their finance to be grown in this new company. In addition, come up with a strong and unique idea as the fundamental of this business birth is not an easy issue. They need to present an outstanding idea in order to impress investors so that they can admit the proposal. However, although these disadvantages exist as problems need to overcome by the new business starters, I would argue that there are more advantages they can obtain.

To have own business means more easiness and enjoyment which could be got by businessmen. At first, they have flexibility in both time and income relied on the fact that they are the boss. They can set up their working hours as well as the allowance that they should pay for. Next, this obviously offers high profitable revenue for the owners since the revenue margin for them and their officers is also managed by their self. They would find economic and finance stabilization as the result. Finally, they can be individual businessmen without need to do what the higher executive asked to them whilst they also open a new career chance for another people.

All in all, I extremely believe that it is better to create a private start up business instead of work for others people. Furthermore, the increasing figure of new business opened is needed to overcome the massive number of unemployment as it open many job opportunities.
RAY93   
Mar 28, 2016
Writing Feedback / Several steps which must be passed for making liquid chocolate [2]

hi Nida. these are some simple corrections i made for your essay. keep writing. thanks

These trees are grown in theSouth America, Africa, and Indonesia. pay more attention in the using of article 'the' to mention country

After the --> no need to use article here red pods have been ripe, these pods are ready harvested --> to harvest/ to be harvested

There are plenty of white cocoa beans inside of the pods.
with a spread in the sun under the sun light to dry.
Then, the dried white cocoa beans are collected and packaged byin large sacks.
After that, the beansare roasted until the temperature reaching 350 degree + unit . In the next stage, these beansare crushed until the outer shell removed. The last, the inner part of the beans are pressed , so the liquid chocolate is produced

in this paragraph you use passive form for all the sentences, you need to try various writing style to enhance you writing ability
RAY93   
Mar 27, 2016
Writing Feedback / Manufacturing and information flow of consumers good production [2]

The flow chart illustrates the manufacturing mechanism of buyers purchasing goods and the flow of information feedback to the former stages in order to enhance the quality of products. Obviously, this process involves several stages during production before it can be sold on the market. Meanwhile, researches also conduct all the time to support the whole manufacturing process.

To begin, raw material and all the components are put in the storage. At the same time when the product research conduct to get the design, the manufacture's substances and equipment are in the production planning stage based on the stated goods' design. During these initial steps, the information fed back from the plan to the storage unit.

Next, before sell the items, several processes consist of assembly, inspection, testing, packaging and dispatch are conducted carefully. To adjust this complicated mechanism, market research and advertising are also organised by industry. Therefore, the result of researching the market is sent to designing, packaging and advertising unit as well as the information from testing is fed back to the design stage. However, the whole information from producing until selling is also revealed to the market research and production planning.



  • The_diagram_below_sh.jpg
RAY93   
Mar 27, 2016
Writing Feedback / Chocolate production from harvested until manufactured in the factory [2]

The picture illustrates the whole process of chocolate production from ripe cacao fruit as red pods harvested bay cacao tree which planted in South America, Africa and Indonesia, into liquid chocolate processed in the factory. This involves simple stages played by local farmers. Then, sophisticated machines are operated for manufacturing.

Turning to the former stages, at first, white cocoa beans are collected from inside the harvested pods. Before those are dried naturally under the bright sun light, beans need to ferment in a certain period by spreading above leaves. The dried beans are stored in large sacks then ready to transport to the factory using train or lorry.

In the chocolate factory, beans are roasted by particular oven in the high temperature up to 350oC. The process is continued by crushing beans using crusher equipment in order to remove the hard outer shell. Finally, this inner part is pressed by machine to produce the delicious chocolate fluid.
RAY93   
Mar 26, 2016
Writing Feedback / Foreign language acquisition for primary school students - it's best time to learn [2]

some people think it is better for children to begin to learn a foreign language at primary school than at secondary school. What is your opinion? Do you think the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?

A foreign language communication skill is a need due to the globalization era which makes world narrower and more competitive. Although some drawbacks of teaching another countries' language to primary school students may exist, I believe that the advantage outweigh the disadvantages. Many benefits offer to those who can mastery foreign language at their former years.

With regard to those who argued that abroad language proficiency improper to give to primary schools' pupils, their concern may be rely on some plausible dire effects. At first, children might get stressed as their time to for playing is reduced due to language class. Next, they would have difficulties on communicate, particularly speaking, since they have numerous mixed vocabularies. It is hard for them to socialize with their friend which doesn't learn the same language. At last, it might be a trigger for the national or local tongue because children make the foreign language as their habit and get used to communicate by that to faster and strengthened their language acquisition. However, I believe that early ages is the critical time which best to learn another language thus make it most useful and importance for children.

It is better to study language in the primary school rather than in secondary school. Those who study in the former educational institutions have less complicated subject which gives them access to focus on the language understanding. They also get more time to practice. In fact, the most valuable things they could get is the linguistic skill which allow them to globally interact and communicate with foreign people, this enrich their resume to study in international school in the next level with advanced technology and method.

All in all, I believe it is essential and more advantageous for children learning a foreign language when they study in primary school. Furthermore, parents and teachers should assist to decide which language should learn by student and support them to mastery it language.
RAY93   
Mar 26, 2016
Writing Feedback / To lead some company being an old or young businessman? [2]

Most leaders or directors generally belong to an older age group, but some people believe that young leaders are better. To what extent do you agree or disagree? Give your own opinion.

The chief executive has a main role of the development and survival of the business empire. I believe that elder generations are more respectful and careful if they hold vital position in work rather than the younger with less of experience. Moreover, this leadership character is not a simple thing which can be obtained by learning.

Entrust the highest leadership to the younger people is vulnerable since they lack of wisdom and influence which only can build by a long time experience. Yet, they are brave to face the risk and deciding fact, but their desire tempted by a much profitable works in a short of time thus making them easy to deceit in business proposal. In addition, leadership is not something that can learn by theory or simply a nature gifted, it's a complicated skill could be mastery by long nurture and get practiced and trained by times. Thus why, I believe the elder leader is the right chosen to lead the company.

Old people usually decide a business deal or transactions by thinking a long term effect of their decision. It might be take time, but since it is about the future of massive number of workers, so it worth it. They also charismatic and reflect their deep knowledge and consideration by their controlled emotion and attitude which make it easy to manage and give an influence to employees. Their dedication makes them familiar with the crucial conditions ever, the characteristic of officers and even a large business connection. So, it is reasonable and reliable to give the leader position to older businessmen.

In conclusion, I believe there are some qualities owned by older executive which plausibly hard to own by the younger. Furthermore, it is logical to let the elder leading since they are able to handle the business problem and give impressions to the workers.
RAY93   
Mar 26, 2016
Writing Feedback / Seeking for a job is the main reason why people attends higher educational institutions classes [2]

People attend college or university for many different reasons (for example, new experiences, career preparation, and increased knowledge). Why do you think people attend college or university?

Education has pivotal role in enhancing life quality. By this, most senior high school leavers pursue higher education, albeit they might be have different motives. I believe that to attend university is not classically about obtaining knowledge, but it is more about career preparation.

Tertiary education levels, at university or college, are enrolled by students to train and educate them more about the particular subject. They study popular majors like engineering or medic, and also common majors like economy or literature. They hoped they could be skilled and well-informed by attending that class. This might be the general reason why people continue their study. However, I would argue that it is unreliable if it is just their considerations. In fact, they could be an individual learner, take internship or just learn by searching abundance information in internet if they only need to enhance their knowledge.

Particularly and obviously, people study at campus for their future career. Educational background is essential for bright resume as one of prerequirements. So, they can have a big chance for hiring. For example, they who graduated from economic, accountancy or marketing would be more likely to get job by employers rather than senior high school alumni or those who granted degree from unrelated subject. Suitable academic background needed as the industry or offices rely on people experiences and skills got during study at university.

In conclusion, I believe for seeking job as the main reason why people attending higher educational institutions class. Meanwhile, for increasing knowledge, experiences, or making relationship are the chance they got during their works to fulfill their dream career by studying at university.
RAY93   
Mar 26, 2016
Writing Feedback / The rise trend of worked women as well as the increasing number of youth delinquency [NEW]

The position of women in society has changed markedly in the last twenty years. Many of the problems young people now experience, such as juvenile delinquency, arise from the fact that many married women now work and are not at home to care for their children. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

Recently, the increasing number of woman workers, especially those who married, argued as the main cause of adolescent delinquency which become more sever in the last twenty years. I extremely believe that the main role of women is for caring their children although they still have chance to work as long as they can manage their time and family still their priority.

Business women have become trend not just because they want earn their own allowance as well as men, for married women it is more to create finance stabilization in their family unit as the solution to meet the economic demand which higher and more difficult by times. A family with husband and wife as worker find it more convenient and pleasure to manage and fulfill their household financial since both of them can yield revenue. Unfortunately, women then lost their role as a mother and their children get less affection. I would argue that this is why juvenile become wild, misbehave and even conduct crime because they lack of attention and care they should get from parents, particularly mother.

The main role of in relationship women is to care about their child. In fact, they still have options and opportunity if they insist want to help their husband by being a freelance worker or just open their own business that they can control from home, like household industries. By this, they can educate their children properly and also economically aid their husband. Mother's priority to raise their children is pivotal since unprotected and lonely teenager without mother supervision is more likely to commit crime.

In conclusion, I believe that the high number of worked mother as the main factor of the increasing number of juvenile crime and misbehave. Thus, women need to realize their priority and act as a good mother albeit the economic state forces them to work also.
RAY93   
Mar 26, 2016
Writing Feedback / Whether prison or education is the best way to decrease crime or not [2]

In many countries prisons is considered the best way to decrease crime. However, education is often argued to be more effective way. Which opinion do you most agree with?

Each country has imprisonment systems prove the effectiveness of this to reduce the number of crimes. Even so, people argued that education is the best way rather than jail. I extremely agree that hard punishment need to control the offenders behave whereas education is only preventive technique.

The function of education, especially moral and attitudes classes is to teach people to differ good and wrong, to inform about the socially acceptable values and to train them to behave properly. This gives a fundamental thinking of how to act as the part of social life like what they got in behaviorism subject. Particularly, this is just a preventive technique since people have options whether they want to be a good guy or a bad guy, they even realize the consequence. As a result, we can't fully rely on the sophisticated or latest education system ever to reduce the crime rate.

In addition, I believe the most effective solution is to jail those crime agents since prison system is not only about restrict the freedom from real-outside world as their punishment, but also train them with several skills during prisoned, so they can be skilled person after release. In most countries, similarly, training and education even religious speech, given to prisoners to enhance their self-esteem and quality of life so they hopefully can enhance their own life and not to offender anymore. Then, as the scariest punishment, prison also educates people jailed there, it is not only reducing the crime but also given the second chance for the prisoners to be a good person.

To conclude, educational management and institutions only is not the best way to reduce crime since prison is also train hard and soft skills albeit just chaining people. Thus, I believe to jail the crime agent is always the most reliable options.
RAY93   
Mar 26, 2016
Writing Feedback / Contradict opinions about the most responsive to reduce the amount of packaging of goods [2]

Some people feel that manufacturers and supermarkets have the responsibility to reduce the amount of packaging of goods. While others argue that customers should avoid buying goods with a lot of packaging. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

Recently, the huge number of packaging materials used, particularly plastic, has aroused contradict opinions among people, whether they believe industries are the most responsive or customers just should to avoid buying those products. I believe that it is need the contribution from both since it become environmental issue.

For covering and labeling sell items nicely is one of the supermarkets and manufacturers challenge so those items would attract buyers attention. It is also for the easiness during distribution or even for preserving certain foods like vegetable and fruit. Thus, they use plastic, paper or Styrofoam, but plastic is the most popular due to its flexibility and endurance. Unfortunately, plastic is inorganic waste which hard to decay and take time for it. Regarding to this, the large shopping industries should use green plastics which are recycling results or the latest kind of plastic made by organic materials like plant, so it can be decayed fast and reduce damage for earth. However, this responsibility to reduce the number of packaging materials is also in the hand of consumers.

People who shop need to bring their own plastic or fabric bag to carry their purchasing items rather than use a lot of plastics given by supermarkets or avoiding buy products. The massive number of population also brings a great demand for shopping which need a fantastic amount of packaging of goods. So, citizen's awareness of the harmful of plastic and a chance for reducing it by simply use their own bag is pivotal to decline the number of garbage which brings dire effect to the environment.

All in all, I believe that the action to reduce the amount of goods packaging is rely on both industries and consumers. Furthermore, government should also participate by campaigning the use of save plastic package materials largely and even warned the retails who still use dangerous plastic in enormous number.
RAY93   
Mar 26, 2016
Writing Feedback / Laws and regulations made by government in the eyes of citizens [2]

Governments make many rules to protect people from danger, for example, by making people wear seat belts in cars or not allowing smoking in public buildings. However, many people believe that there are too many rules nowadays. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement.

It is citizen's obligation to follow the rules and laws stated by government. Recently, people believe that those jurisdictions are too many to conduct. I extremely disagree with this statement since it is the responsibility for the government to set the laws for its inhabitant's safety and security.

Some general regulations are made for the convenient of people as well as for their protection. To use seat belts whenever they drive meant to prevent accidents that may occur in the road since the mortality rate by driving carelessly and impatiently is high in most countries. So, it is pivotal to always be careful and admit this rules since it just for protect them. Another example is to not consume cigarette in public facilities or areas because the poisoned gases which release to the edifice's atmosphere might disturb even affected on others health. People need to realize all those rules are just for their pleasure as citizens to make them having a good quality of life.

Furthermore, I would argue that it is the part of state services and career, beside just responsibility, to set laws. In fact, those regulations released through long debate and even research. China's unpopular policy to restrict their citizens for having more than 2 children and force them to kill their own babies albeit the natality of twin and triplet birth in China is the highest all over the world, is efficient to control the population explosion there, thus also increase the life quality since they can reduce the accommodation constructing and energy consuming. Some policies and rules may hard to receive by people, but it is all decide for their importance.

All in all, I strongly disagree with people who think that there are too many rules to follow as citizens. However, governments should also massively introduce and share the reasons for their policy so that people would greatly accept rather than object it.
RAY93   
Mar 26, 2016
Writing Feedback / National budget expenditure on medical technology objected by some people [2]

Most developed countries spend a large proportion of their health budgets on expensive medical technology and procedures. This money should be spent instead on health education to keep people well. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

National budget expenditure to the advancement of medical technologies and procedures in a huge amount raise a question for some people who think it is more relevant to spend on health education. Even though educating citizens about healthy lifestyle is pivotal, but I would argue that it is more essential to spend a lot on technologies and research about medic.

Several people believe that the government economic policy which supports the development of technologies on health remarkably by spending much of its revenue is not popular and wise decision since it less efficient rather than directly and massively educate people about health. To campaign about avoiding a high consumption of instant food is simple and useful for inhabitants as well as to ask them to wash their hand before eat. It will become a common healthy life style which is effective to prevent for suffering from diseases. They have concerned it as the best way to make people realize and maintain their own health rather than rely on luxurious medical treatment.

However, I consider that it much more relief to create sophisticated medical check-up, treatment and prescription systems to stabilize the public health quality. These days, viruses and diseases have become more difficult to cure, like Avian influenza, Zika and Ebola infectious. Those are an endemic which spread vastly and hard to either prevent or control. Thus why it is a great demand of countries, particularly developed countries which fantastic annual income, to preserve a high technology devices and techniques on medic beside funding related novel research so that they can increase the public facilities and services on health since their citizens tax highly for medical insurance and it could be a profitable investment too.

In conclusion, I extremely agree that state need to invest much more money on advanced medical technology rather on the national health program. Furthermore, government needs to support scientist on this field to obtain grasp about health while also modernize the equipment of that.
RAY93   
Mar 26, 2016
Writing Feedback / Skyscrapers construction as the demand of overcrowded population [2]

As populations grow and cities become more crowded, there is pressure throughout the world to construct ever-taller building to provide accommodation and offices. Many people object to such developments, citing the social as well as the physical dangers. Do you agree with objections to skyscrapers?

Regarding to the population explosion in the world as well as the overcrowded citizens live in metropolitan, there is a demand to build high apartment and offices. This latest development get objections from people who think it is physically and socially dangerous for human. However, I extremely believe that this construction approach has many benefits for environment.

With regards to those who argue that ever-tall building has dire effects for life, they think that social keen and physical trouble may arise due to this architecture. The occupants who live in tall edifice have no strong neighborliness since they just stay on their storey with no need to socialize and interact with others. In addition, there is a plausibility that someone could get accident and fall off from a high distance, or this building may collapse then hurt citizens and break other buildings around it.

However, actually to construct these skyscrapers would give advantageous, particularly for environment.

These constructions would economically efficient by thrift land using rather than conventional buildings.so, constructors by city's planner request would be able to build green opened area, like gardens or City Park, as the same time to meet the demand of accommodations and work places for a massive number of people. Besides that, it would offer a great chance to build green structures which using renewable source of energy in order to avoid energy wasting. Solar panels could be installed as the outer wall and roof top to capture lights and convert it to be electricity, and the natural wind could also for cooling the building rather than using air conditioner.

All in all, I believe that it is more profitable to build high accommodations and offices rather than conventional structures. Furthermore, the detrimental effects mentioned by the objectors could be avoided.
RAY93   
Mar 26, 2016
Writing Feedback / student misbehave as severe problems faced by schools: causes and solutions [2]

In many countries, schools have severe problems with student behavior. What do you think are the causes of this? What solutions can you suggest?

Student misbehavior has become a common problem faced by most educational institutions. Some causes such as advancement of technology and restriction on teacher role in school stand out as the triggers of this phenomenon. However, I believe teacher and parents should involve to tackle this problem.

Those pupils who pay less attention and respect to their educators might be build their bad characteristic based on several things. At first, it is obvious that it is also the dire effect of the advanced technology which offers unlimited access of abundance information, particularly on internet, to student children. This affected to the ability for finding information by their self, so they would underestimate teachers with outdated teaching method or material. In addition, in this century, teachers are no longer permit to give strict punishment to those who commit bad behavior or against school regulation as the great concern of people toward human rights, so children have freedom to behave wild and rude since they are covered by laws. This is truly doesn't wise for student moral development thus some strategies need to overcome it.

Some measurements need to be done for educating students well especially regarding to proper attitudes. Society, on this case family, should teach them how to differ bad and good things, to behave properly to older people and respect others since this basic value developed and recognized by student when they were children. It is family not school who is the most responsible for teaching accepted values and behaviorism to their child. In school, teacher should apply assessment of learning method rather than assessment of learning which only focus on students' academic achievement. By this technique, teacher would get access to assess student's behavior during study and give them reward as merit, students would make it habit to act properly thus train their behavior.

In conclusion, some reasons exist as the cause of student misbehavior which has become obstacle for schools. But, I would argue that the role of parents and assessment technique of teacher would plausibly effective solution to tackle this problem.
RAY93   
Mar 26, 2016
Writing Feedback / The main purpose of universities is to give info and skill to fullfill requirement for work-force [2]

hi, amirulmukminin. as you can see there are many corrections i made for your essay. keep writing.
to fullfill requirement for work-force. ,misspelling

Opponents, the main of universities is --> the main goal, purpose, aim, etc
to provide education without knowing --> what does this meant?

.If the education is usefull for a job or useless.incomplete sentence, misspelling

Inmy point, i agree if the main purpose of universities is to give information, skill and how to fullfill requirement for work-force.need to paraphrase rather than used the same words in same paragraph.

Getting job is main purpose for students who have finishedhad finished/finished
study from their university.their study from university

In university,need article

they will learn some lessons and get many knowledges.knowledge =uncountable

Ussualy lessons that they will get are appropriate with their career because university provides
many majors that they can choose a major what they want.

The major will direct students to take apply them into their career, but in another case, university just teaches more theory than practice, university and lecturer --> lecture not teach

Nowadays, it is difficult to find a job for fresh graduate, some students that have graduate's argu had graduated argue,

the recent education system is not suitable with the requirementthat is company needed. The system education nowadays does not refer to requirement of the job,but the other students said the recent education system still makes the students have many knowledge, obviously redudancy

The conclusion is we should realize that we have gotten nowis because of university.
We know what we have to do to do what? because university makes us mature enough.
RAY93   
Mar 26, 2016
Writing Feedback / Should children, when they'll grow up, do same kind of jobs like their parents? - I have some doubts [6]

hi, oathbinder. here my comments. keep writing

It's true that a variety of people agree children should do similar jobs like their parents when they grow up,you need to paraphrase instead of copied word s from question

make a career plan and so many things by their own when they are facing to the whole society.

to make theirown decision about career because they do the same job like parents who may use their no need to make decision any more if they have a same job with their parents, i mean why they need to make career decision if they already have the career. you should pay attention to your sentence meaning

richexperienceinfluence to arrange all things for their kids. child. kid doesn't need to work

Additionally, I believe that all men human, don't just specifically mention a particular gender since it is not general

Admittedly, children are able to solve problems easily and take a shortcut with their parents' experience and interpersonal relationship which indicates that they might have more chances to get a prompt and success while the children whose parents cannot provide such advice and guidance have to do extra effort.less correlation with the task
RAY93   
Mar 26, 2016
Writing Feedback / News: the truth should be objective rather than subjective [6]

hi, aviniwirastri. here my comments. keep writing

so that news should be presented as objective as possible the proper words to match with news are announce, deliver, reveal, share, print, publish, release, report

Back to Nazi era, Media, particularly newspaper, was used as a propaganda agent. Hittler used media to directcontrol/manipulate people go with what he needed.

By this way, we understand that news can be a toolmedia, item, sourceto some groupplural/singular issue brainstorming the public. It is clearly opposite with what news should be. If w

thus,
The absolute truth will always be mysterious. need a connector to keep the cohesion

. I suggested to not directly capturedigest,absorb, a raw information. As a smart society, we should categorize a news which is true (or only a rumor) and which is a diverting issue. how?

We must make sure ourselves to not be provoked as what we have learnt from the past ?.
RAY93   
Mar 26, 2016
Scholarship / School should cut off art and music out of curriculum to avoid the pressure on young students [4]

hi, aviniwirastri. here my comment. keep writing

to cut off art and music from the curriculum comes up. --> you need to pharapsrase, not just copied the exact word from the question

They understand music at the first time they can hear a sound. --> this sentence is not make a sense, better to replace 'understand' with hear/notice to

In other condition, music can increase the students' intelligence.use proficiency since 'increase' doesn't match with 'intelligence'

By some thoughts above, i assume that the problem is not about tightening up
the academic skills words choice related to academic skill :broaden, enhance, improve, increase, sharpen, upgrade, etc.

cannot put such an pressure on young students --> article issue

In other words, it does not mean that students will have more seriousness in their academic subjects without music and art.--> level, set, acquisition,

and finally the students will find the way of what they are as they grow up and have more understanding. hard to understand
RAY93   
Mar 26, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS 2: majority people are sometimes judged by their dress code as symbol of their characteristic [2]

Hy, Mita. here my comments. keep writing

judged by their dress code -->dress code is something particular just for special occasion with dress instruction, just write 'by their dress/ by dress they wore

This essay will elaborate both points of view. --> you should mention your own opinion in introduction

As a result, clothes that people wear can draw their personality, like their pleasure or their job --> both pleasure and job doesn't included as people personality

Thus, it is clear that the others can gain [...] truly manner by their dress. --> your explanation here was not a strong argument to show the relation of behavior and people. in fact, you may can write the relation of dress color and the personality of people wore it.

for example [...] Therefore, it is true that people cannot judge others by their clothes . good idea but less proper example
we cannot punishthem by their style because glamour clothes cannot indicate great appearance. -->punish can't be the paraphrase of judge
RAY93   
Mar 25, 2016
Writing Feedback / Do the Benefits of Vaccines Outweigh the Risks? Everyone should be aware of the immunization effects [3]

hi, brittssstyle, nice writing, here my comment. thanks

Having a child usually means there will be a trip to the pediatrician for vaccines .the sentence flow hard on this part since this sentence has no correlation with the previous and the next sentence

Peoplealsothen began to speculate

disease try to use another word besides disease, there are to many repetition

be vaccinated so it should be the parents of the healthy ...hard to understand,

Federal law requires that Vaccine Information Statements explaining vaccine benefits and risksto be provided when certain ...

The vaccine gives a weakened version of the disease viruses so according ...

All of these reactions mean that the immunization is working in the body while The body needs to build up immunity against the disease.

try to write a complex sentence rather than several simple sentence which actually correlated each others
try to write passive sentence rather than simple nominal sentence, moreover verbal sentence is better
RAY93   
Mar 25, 2016
Writing Feedback / Advanced devices used foolishly can also bring some dire effects to people's lives. [2]

hi, Mita, nice writing. yet, this is my commentaries.

I would argue that advanced technology gives ...you need to emphasize your position whether you agree or disagree to fully gain the task response.

To begin, by using modern toolsdevices ,
people can keep tight closeness keep in touch with others because electronic media nowadaysno need to mention nowadays since you used present perfect tenses has provided easy way to contact family or friends by supplying

On the other hand, advanced device also can bring dire effects
RAY93   
Mar 25, 2016
Writing Feedback / The criminal should do some community services rather than putting them inside the prison. IELTS 2 [2]

Hi, The Everest. here my comments for you writing. moreover, you need to pay attention on your sentence so it can be easily understand by writer. thanks.

It has been said that some criminalsshould be detained not to be harmful to society by means of long time imprisonment . sentence hard to follow, better to write : should be detained in a long time imprisonment so that they can't threatened the society.

the prison acts as a modelssingular/plural issue
for potential sinnerssinner is more related to religious issue rather than crime, use crime agents
they will not disturb the life of normal others people.

In this modern belief, not all offenders are good for nothing,this sentence not make a sense, hard to understand
of interests instate instead of enjoying public money.

It is true to say that there can also work for them to reduce the expense in the prison.subject verb agreement issue,

To recapitulate, these are the reasons for [s]both pros and corn s of long imprisonment. you only describe a pro and a con.
RAY93   
Mar 23, 2016
Writing Feedback / The decision if boys and girls should be in separate classroom or not. Different teaching techniques [2]

At first, please make it clear the difference between introduction, body, and conclusion, simply by enter the space to the next paragraph, so it would be easy to read and comment on it.

Deciding if boys and girls should be in separate classroom is not easy because one's decision,--> unclear statement
professor should teach --> since this is about boys and girls study so teacher or educator id the proper pronoun to use. beside that, the proper verb to match with professor is lecture not teach

of the work differ. difference

One reason I feel this way is because comprehension isn't similar among men and women.the comprehension between men and women isn't similar

Girls don't prefer to study subjects like Maths or computer science.this is not a strong argument since it is not a general truth and there is no research support it.

... Hence, I asked if she were an extraordinary girl in her class, but she answered me that she was an ordinary girl and she learnt math well because her professor pinpointed a method to explain mathematic to girls.thus what is the differ method applying to boys that make the girls are better then them?

In addition, I believe that professor should focus on which type of work students will do.
RAY93   
Mar 23, 2016
Writing Feedback / Functional shift of green large farmland and green area over the 8 decade period in Stokeford area [2]

The maps illustrate the changes on the village of Stokeford over 8 decades beginning in 1930. Overall, it is obvious that there was a functional shift of green large farmland and green area over the period. Meanwhile, the number of villagers' accommodations increased remarkably.

Turning to the agricultural land where people also grew livestock, the north east and the south west area of Stokeford were originally farming land in 1930, but in 2010, half of those area shifted to be residences albeit the rest is just unspoiled land. In addition, a primary school in north east which was small 80 years ago was constructed to become bigger.

The massive rise of population also destructed two shops, stood up in 1930, just beside the post office so that housing and a short new road could be built there. The gardens had totally changed into retirement home whilst road and accommodations constructed immensely there as well as in others part of Stokeford.



  • 19.jpg
RAY93   
Mar 23, 2016
Writing Feedback / Population explosion: the risks and causes. Is it the biggest problem faced by humanity? [3]

To continued rise in the world's population is the greatest problem faced by humanity at the present time.
What are the causes of this continued rise?

Do you agree that it is the greatest problem faced by humanity?


The population explosion has been a severe problem faced by mankind in the 24th century life. Several things are revealed as the trigger of this, such as the betterment of life quality, stable state of most countries and the advancement in medical technology. I strongly agree that this continued problem is what we should concern since it might be led to another remarkable trouble.

The global population is progressively risen year by year which is caused by diverse reasons. At first, different with several years before, to fulfil nutritious intake for citizen is not a complicated thing as the technology has increased the farming technique and ease the distribution, whether it is importing or exporting activities, of food at world wide scale. As the result, there is an incline of quality of life which has stimulated the healthiness of adults, particularly parents, to birth many children. Another reason is countries tend to carefully keep the universal peacefulness by avoiding problems with others country. In fact, wars like World War I and II had contributed on control the population as well as the terrible holocaust in Germany by Adolf Hitler. However, it was not as reasonable and logical solution to decrease the number of humankind. At last, the advanced medical treatment techniques and technologies have made people life longer than at the past which decreases the death rate.

Unfortunately, I believe that this world's population rise and uncontrolled birth rate is the greatest obstacle for both people lives and earth since it also trigger more complicated problems. The massive number of people would lead to water and food scarcity when the source of those become limited as the same time that inhabitants need it is in an enormous figure. This overcrowded population also increase the demand of energy when people fully rely on fossil fuels which are not renewable, the land shifted to be housing area also become larger. As the result, we would not possess green area as the lung of earth anymore; the temperature of planet earth would gradually rise as well as the total of population and carbon emission release to the atmosphere, and all of those caused by uncontrolled natality and population rate.

All in all, the population explosion is terrible problem humankind should overcome to avoid more severe problems and conditions which I believe we may need to face at the future.
RAY93   
Mar 23, 2016
Writing Feedback / According to the diagram, air leaks into the house through several indoor-outdoor connections [2]

The diagram reveals how air circulation in a house--> how air circulate
the heat is lost from a roomthan - -> no comparison in this sentenceit is not from a room
In any case, some heat is transmitted through the area of room.

However, electric outlet is the main factors which carry out the heat.
1. electric outlet is air leaking path into the house, not leaks out.
2. is the main factor

Another source is found from crawl space and outdoor faucet --> outdoor faucet is the way in of air in crawl space
the south east --> no need to mention south east since the compas is not clear in here
of first floor which only produces a small quantity of air .-->air is not produced by the faucet
Next, the infiltration comes from home appliance which consists of dryer van and kitchen fan vent. It can also allow air to permeate and to supply a great deal of air into spaces room.

the infiltration comes from home appliance which consist of dryer van and kitchen fan vent supplying a great deal of air into the house
RAY93   
Mar 23, 2016
Writing Feedback / Reuse of rainwater through several treatments [2]

The diagram informs the recycling system of rain water to be hygiene water used domestically in people housing. Rain water is processed through water management systems at a macro and micro scale. Meanwhile the stromwater and wastewater are also having treated to reuse.

Turning to the first stage which is the water saving or collecting in both considerably at the great artificial reservoir and simply through rainwater tank at household scale. Before distribute to the housing, rain water get through water treatment plant to process it being drinkable water whilst the water stored by a small tank installed in the building's surrounding is directly channeled to the house.

Furthermore, the used water from house is not completely throw back to the nature but then having reprocessed at wastewater treatment plant to separate the organic and inorganic substances so it could be used as recycled water and piped back to the house. Besides that, the rain water fallen to the earth, for instance in the river and drainage, underground water and the excess treated water contained such contaminants also utilize after treated on stromwater treatment.



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RAY93   
Mar 22, 2016
Writing Feedback / Nowadays, its is quite common for young people to have a break year before going university. IELTS2 [4]

Hy Wenyun, here my comment. check it, i may wrong. thanks

Nowadays, its is --> improper using of possessive pronoun quite common for young people to have a break year before going university -->need preposition in many countrues .This trend is not restricted whether having a travel or work,but it is certainly a period of time -->redudancybecome independence -->need subject . However,this is a controverisal issue because it involves some benefits and drawbacks the most people are concerned,and i will discuss both prespectives in following essay.

pay more attention in your writing so that simple but influenced problems such as misspelling would not being written.
RAY93   
Mar 22, 2016
Writing Feedback / West Park Secondary School construction during 3 decades [2]

The maps illustrate the differences which had occurred in a particular area every 3 decades over a 60-year period. The most noticeable change is the functional shift of housing and farming area to being public facilities, particularly educational institution.

To begin, there were only a school and a playground constructed in the west area of the map, along the main road, in 1950, whilst a half of this land occupied by three residential buildings and a large green farmland. The construction in 1980 had altered the east area to being the part of the school edifice where the previous citizen accommodations became car park and science block. The farm land slightly enlarged for being sports field where the students sport activities taken place.

In 2010, the whole area has exceptionally become public facility as the school zone was greatly built. However, while the size of car park was widened, in contrary, the range of sport fields was cut as well as the playground.



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RAY93   
Mar 22, 2016
Writing Feedback / The air flows out and into the house thus causing inefficient consuming energy on heater operating [2]

The diagram informs the ways air flowing out and into the house thus caused inefficient consuming energy on heater operating. The air is wafted to the house from several vents in the first and second storey of the buildings, meanwhile the air keep leaking from the hatch or the top of it.

It is an energy waste to use temperature conditioner since the cold air is spilled through opening gaps around the structure. In the lowest level, it is flowed in via the crawl space and dryer vent. Furthermore, the windows installed in both middle room and kitchen, the door and electrical outlet in the second level are the circulation path for the breeze air into the house.

On the other hand, heat loss occur through the trapdoor and recessed lightnings designed in the top storey. By these, the architecture of the edifice affects the efficiency of power used to control the temperature inside.



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RAY93   
Mar 22, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1 The data of consumer disbursing on several different items in European Countries [3]

hy RIZKA, here my comment. check it, i may wrong. thanks

The table provides the data of consumer disbursing on several different items in five different European countries in 2002. Briefly, there are two bold data. First, Turkey [...] lower spending for both food and education.

try to use various words
briefly write the overview


In Turkey, 32.4% of consumers pay out --> stick to the proper tenses, since it occured in 2002, so use past tense
where it was AT 6.63%,
RAY93   
Mar 22, 2016
Writing Feedback / The three products Consumption in China during 1985 to 2010 - fishes are the most popular [4]

Hy lita, i didn't find any big mistakes on your essay, i just give a suggestion and some correction. check it, i may wrong. thanks

The presented graphtry to avoid write the presented/the given/... in introduction since it is an outdated style of IELTS writing
salt and meat moved ON A reverse direction in which

a Chinese --> chinese is plural word describe the people of China, so it can' be match with article a
RAY93   
Mar 17, 2016
Writing Feedback / To broadcast celebrities news or informations about some ordinary people? [NEW]

The media pay too much attention to the lives and relationships of celebrities such as actors, singers or footballers. They should spend more time reporting the lives of ordinary people instead.

To what extent do you agree or disagree?


Live as a celebrity mean no privacy. Famous people lives are a public consumption which aired massively by media. I totally agree that media should report this news most since to report common people lives has no valuable or attractive point meanwhile celebrity's stories are a must published news.

Inappropriate news of general people, broadcasted by media, has less meaning and fascinating for viewers which offered no enjoyment by watching this kind of show. Showing daily activities of citizens albeit they are having merits or spectacular achievements in some fields are not make sense and it would reach a much low rating too since people just look for entertaining show which sensations rather than informative or educating programs. Thus, I believe that media, as the source of information, is most pivotal to broadcast celebrities news.

In addition, well-known people days are always essential and attract inhabitants to watch them. Hot issue of celebrities including artists, sportsmen and singers has been the most popular show which inspiring common people. Viewers have a high curiosity on those extra ordinary figures life which makes them waiting and impatient to access the latest news of them. It also becomes a large issue as the most often discussed and seek out by people. For me, it is stand out that airing celebrities' stories give much benefit not only for the paparazzi or TV channels economically but also the general watchers entertainingly.

All in all, I strongly believe that reporters do not need to balance, or reduce, between the news of ordinary people and famous figures since viewers would find it bored and give less attention to out of favor stories.

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