Scholarship / 'desire for making a difference' - your commitment to pursue a career in nursing [3]


I began to work at a nursing home while continuing my part time studying to compliment my nursing career.


I worked full time enjoying my nursing activities and responsibilities, but unfortunately the management couldn't do anything to accommodate my class schedule.


..."Later on in ???... better you rephrase this sentence to enhance its presentation.

Letters / Motivation Letter for a PhD in Computational Chemistry; Molecular modeling study [3]

I am writing this letter to express my interest toin applying for the PhD position available in the group XXXX under the project "Molecular modeling study of the activation of transmembrane receptors involved in chemical senses" at the University of XXXX.

I would like to bewould be glad if I stand a chance to be selected for this PhD position because I think this project givesit would provide me the opportunity to develop and improve in a research fieldmy research capabilities that is a part of my professional goals

Writing Feedback / IELTS-GT: Our Dependency on computers, & computer's use in future. [6]

Well , you have not adequately introduced the background of your prompt which is;

Writing Feedback / people living longer nowadays. Is it good or bad? [7]

].... your body paras are pretty large and you would not be able to finish your essay on time if this is written for IELTS or TOEFL (your topic suggests that you are preparing for one of them). Follow dumi's suggestion seriously for your essay structure. It contains all necessary features as well as it helps you save time :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 1: Callum University graduates - numbers of male students [8]

The given line graph shows a breakdown o f the number of men pupilmales graduated from the faculty of science of Callum University over aduring the six6- year period from 1995 to 2011.


This is a very very confusing overview. You fail to convey any clear idea or trend to the reader by this sentence. Also, you need to adopt a more formal tone since this is about report writing. So avoid phrases like "it is interesting " etc.

Writing Feedback / IELTS-International tourism should respect local cultures; 'Chinese restaurants' [7]

Your body paras too look pretty lengthy. You need to pay more attention to your essay structure because it should help you complete the task on time while allowing you to score decently :D

Graduate / SOP - 'My grandmother' - Applying to MPH in Epidemiology and Global Health [3]

Hey ...your SOP seems to be way too long. As far as I know, a good SOP should not exceed 1200 words. This is the guideline provided by many contributors in this forum for the SOP.

Writing Feedback / Cambridge English IELTS 9, Test 1; island/ tourist facilities [5]

I like the notes eddies have provided you :)


You need to follow dumi's suggestion seriously. Your intro should briefly introduce the graphical presentation. Since this task is aimed at assessing your report writing skills, you need to adopt a tone which is more appropriate for report writing. You cannot have every details in the intro. The body paras are the places for details.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Children should begin learning a foreign language; 'every-day habit' [10]

Well, the last sentence of your intro is not serving any purpose for your essay and instead it breaks your smooth flow. It is always nicer to conclude your intro expressing your opinion.


.... studying language is not a habit, but an exercise or a lesson. May be you try some other way to express this idea;
A language needs to be practiced regularly to develop its proficiency.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Canadian students graduated; 3 pharagraphs [6]


Yes, you follow the basic outline of the most appropriate structure (Intro, Overview and Details), but you need to have a better understanding about how each section should be presented.

Writing Feedback / Human cloning should remain banned. [5]

Furthermore, human cloning has also negative influences inon economy because of its high expense anddue to higher government spending to maintain a larger population increase ; therefore, human cloning should remain forbidden. To talk about human cloning's expense, the operation of human cloning necessitates an enormous amount of funds which cannot be afforded owing to high cost of hospital, equipment, professional doctors and cells. As an illustration, under today's circumstances, while some people cannot even access to dispensaries due to financial problemsbasic healthcare facilities due to poverty,approving governments trying to afford such high costs on human cloning's charge is inadmissible.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 : Male graduate from Cullum university [9]


The line graph illustrates the number of males who graduated from the Science Faculty of Cullum University from the year 1995 to 2011.


Overall, the number of male science graduates had significantly increased during the period under review though there had a few fluctuations in the trend.

You follow the most appropriate structure for this task :)

Writing Feedback / Life comes in different shapes and sizes; staying in one place or moving- choice [4]


Well, I have a problem with this statement. I feel shapes and sizes do not really go with life because life is something that does not flow in a specific pattern. I know you wanted to have a catchy statement for your hook, but it should also be meaningful and relevant to your topic.

People have variety of aims when they live.various objectives in life.

Writing Feedback / About My Times of Life - 'I had a nice childhood' [6]


.... well, this is not a very unusual thing for a baby. Lots of babies cry non stop ...lol :D
I guess it is better you tell something special about your childhood.
I cried for when I was hungry or the weather was too hot or because of sickness and many tiny things else. etc.


Again this is something quite obvious. :(

Writing Feedback / 'computers & gadgets' - Modern forms of communicate with people [4]

On the other hand, I agree that communicate by thecommunication via modern formstechnological channels is very essential in the work place or even in businessare really neededactually working and make bussiness.

Now you need to give examples to support the above reason. However, you say;


Follow dumi's suggestion for your overall essay structure. It's a very effective structure in terms of your score and time :)

Letters / Motivation letter for Glion; my interest in studying MBA program in GIHE [3]

As I am a final courseyear student in this course, I am now quite convinced that for prospective career I need to enrich the knowledge concerning Tourism Industry.I need to further enhance my knowledge on Tourism Industry if I am pursue a successful career in the industry.


While I was researching on a suitable foreign university for me to pursue my education, I found Glion as one of the best choices for me due to its excellent reputation and its long standing excellence in the field of Hospitality Management education.

Writing Feedback / progress is always precarious; every step toward it brings suffering, sacrifices [6]

Let me also give some help here :D
Well, if you particularly struggle with the hook, straightaway start with the background part of the introduction. It is easier to do the background because it is a matter of paraphrasing your prompt. You would not lose lots of marks by doing this way although the hook helps you impress your examiner :) (However, it is good to have your examiner impressed because your score is in his hands....lol) Intro with just background and thesis statement is quite ok :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS task II Learning by Gadgets than books. [6]

Yes, time is a very important aspect when you deal with IELTS and TOEFL tasks. With regard to word count you have it as many as you like so long as you exceed the minimum word count. However, the danger here is the time factor. If you waste time on any one paragraph by lengthening it unnecessarily, you would not have time to complete your essay. As dumi suggests above, follow the structure she has provided there. It is the best to handle both time and your score :)

Writing Feedback / TALKS IELTS 1: The map of Pellington city - new shopping mall [8]


... well .... this sentence is very confusing. It is better go by A,B, and C as the map defines these areas rather than saying first,second and last possible areas. This task is aimed at assessing your report writing skills. In report writing, what is most important is that your ability to present data clearly. So, make sure your sentences deliver facts very clearly.

Writing Feedback / The problem of deforestation, my opinion about it. [5]

First of all, people's need for products made fromout of woods makesmake them suffer from adrasticclimateclimatic and an environmental changes caused by the greenhouse effect.

It is good if we know what your prompt is. Without knowing that it is difficult for us to understand what your topic expects you to write.

Scholarship / Scholarship Essay - Statement of Study Objective / Actuarial Science [4]

The good news came in the beginning of 2014(no comma) that Indonesia will adopt the mandatory universal health coverage inby which goingthe country hopes to protect approximately the health of 240 million citizens. Despite that the realisation has not gone smoothachieved to the full scale yet, the program will open access for millions of poor citizens who previously cannot afford to get proper medical treatment.

Scholarship / "underserved community" - Scholarship Essay, read and make suggestions [3]


.... You repeat that phrase " I have been fortunate to gain" again in this para (the same had been said in the previous one too). Better you present the idea a bit differently;

By working as a tech in a hospital I had the opportunity to work with patients from the under served communities.


... this sentence sounds incomplete, you need to combine another idea here !

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1; The map about Garlsdon City. [4]

You need to improve on your structure and I hope you follow dumi's approach.


This should come soon after your introduction as the overview. For IELTS Task 2, it is good to have a conclusion because it is on essay writing. However, this task is to assess your report writing skills and therefore a conclusion is not really necessary. Your structure should go as INTRODUCTION, OVERVIEW AND DETAILED PARAGRAPHS

Writing Feedback / People who achieved incredible success in their life seem not to encounter a failure. [8]

.... I feel you are going out of topic!
Well, your topic is about;


So, if you take the stance that you do not agree with the statement, then you need to tell reasons why you hold that view in these body paras. (after telling the reason you should support it with a specific example). Here you seem to be going out of topic. You need to pay more attention to your essay structure. Stay aligned with your topic always!

Research Papers / Rough Draft- research paper; "Granted Education" [3]


Is this something that has no impact on one's future?


More than 5.8 billion students between the ages of 16 and 24 did not attend school in the year 2011 and on average more than 600,000 students drop out from high schools in any given year.


Do students find difficult to handle their high school and college careers or don't they take them seriously?

Writing Feedback / A Touching Story; a dog that I found when I was 10 years old [6]

Then, the dog stopped rolling the ball when he reached right in front of me. The dog looked at me and wriggled its tail. I started to have a feelingfelt that it wanted me to throw the ball, so I did. I threw the ball and the dog started chasing the ball and rolled the ball back to me. I askedtold my dad that I wantedlove to keep the dog. At first, my dad didn't wantlike the ideato but after I persuaded him, he finally agreed. We bring backbrought the dog to home and bathed the dogit at the car porch. AtIn the night ,we bringtook the dog to the vet for a medical check-up.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: How many people listened to different types of music in Tokyo last month [3]

As can be seen from the table, a massivea large majority of 79% of males use Mp3-players to listenfor listening to music, compared to a modest 19% of them preferring CDs(stop here as it would be too long for the reader to memorize those details), whichThe CDs are also the least popular foramong females, with only 22%.

It seems you follow a good structure and you have good writing skills. Do not lengthen your sentences too much :)

Graduate / SOP for PhD in Recycled Concrete Aggregates. [7]

Here's the guideline for SOP that many contributors here suggest. Hope that would be helpful for your to understand whether you need any improvements in what you wrote;

1)Background
2)Development of interest
3)Initial pursuit of interest/Research/Education
4)Future goals
5) How will the specific program help you achieve your future goals
6) Final summary.

Scholarship / 'teaching assistant'; Essay for Master of Science [3]


Why do you say "to be honest"? I think it is irrelevant. They never doubted your honesty :D I like you rephrase this line to exclude that part :)

I had couple of objectives to become a teaching assistant at the University of Information Technology, a member of VietNam National University; Honor and Research opportunities.


Today I am very happy for taking this decision because it introduce me to the world of Networking and Communications.

Graduate / Bachelor's Degree in Architecture from Iran; Statement Of Purpose SCAD [4]

Well, this is the guideline many contributors in this forum suggest for the SOP. You can check the alignment of your writing with that;
1)Background,
2)Development of interest
3)Initial pursuit of interest/Research/Education
4)Future goals
5) How will the specific program help you achieve your future goals
6) Final summary.

Undergraduate / Quick question, Transfer essay: What would be a better word to use for "aspects" ? [5]


With the incredible amount of diversity this school displays, I hope to partake in various social and cultural events and forums, both inside and outside of the urban campus.

All depends on the word "partake". If you need to change the presentation of this line, you've got to do some change there :)

With this school's incredible diversity , I look forward to gaining an exposure in various social and cultural aspects.

Undergraduate / Georgia Tech Supplementary Essay; 'build the skills I need to be an Engineer' [4]


Well, these are most of the general stuff that many students say when they answer this question. Take more focus on to you as they need to know how Georgia Tech can help you achieve your goals. So, tell them what you aspire from this course and how GATech can help you achieve them. Then say how you can contribute to its community.

Writing Feedback / The most beneficial discovery in last 100 years - internet invention; many impacts [7]


Yes,as dumi says it is the contents and presentation matter more than the word count (however, you should meet the minimum word count) I feel you have a good understanding about he structure by now because you wrote so many essays to practice for this task. The only point I can stress is that you should try to convey your ideas clearly. Do not give priority to display your vocabulary knowledge by compromising on clarity of your ideas.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: Changes in one city spending patterns in 1966. [8]


Don't have (a)s and (b)s. Present everything in a flow and adopt a reporting tone for your writing. You should avoid phrases like "To begin with". This task is aimed at assessing your report writing skills and therefore your style should be more formal and you need to present facts in a logical and concise manner.

Follow dum's suggested approach to re-do this task. Once you finish post it here for us to give you more feedbacks :)

Writing Feedback / IELTSTask1: Music choice VS Pop parade music [7]


For the detailed paras, you should follow some sort of logic in presenting the facts and details. In this case, what you can do a comparison between them in the first body para and then talk about the trends of first graph (e.g. pop parade) in one para and the other in the next para (music choice) in more details . For example;

1st BODY PARA -
Pop Parade website had been visited by a comparatively a larger number of people on the first seven days compared to Music Choice. The statistics show that around 120 million people visited Pop Parade where as only 40 million people visited Music Choice site on the first day. However, both sites have recorded a steep decline after several fluctuations by the 7th day with Pop Parade having around 30 million visits and Musical Choice having around 20 million visits. (you can go on like this on comparing)

2nd BODY PARA
Talk about the trends of Pop Parade
3rd Body para - Music Choice

Writing Feedback / IELTS: mobile phone; "Iron man" / "Weichat" - destroy social interactions? [8]

Well, in your body paras you need to give reasons and then support them with specific examples. One reason per one body para is the best arrangement.

Letters / IELTS: Letter to foreign country friend, starting an import-export business [6]

Yes, dumi is quite right about this point. If you want to help your friend with making chairs, tell a reason like this;

In terms of importing a product from my country to yours, I cannot think of any other better item than Teak chairs. It is a great industry here and we have large Teak plantations that guaranteed the supplies of wood at any given time and the price too is comparatively cheaper here. Also, our carpentry too have developed great expertise over so many years and they produce classic furniture items in Teak.

Writing Feedback / 'dissatisfaction with the house' ; IELTS TASK 1 [14]


Well, this is not a very convincing reason as to why you do not wish to leave your present job. Tell him why you feel that you should not leave them at this point - you can say you feel bad to put them in trouble because they treated you so well, or you can say you cannot betray their trust on you. Whatever it is, you need to say something more convincing that he would understand your plight :)

Writing Feedback / 'dissatisfaction with the house' ; IELTS TASK 1 [14]

Here's some more notes on essay writing :)

Style Characteristics Opening Ending
Formal To someone you have not met, whose name you don't know Dear Sir / Madam Yours faithfully
Semi-formal To someone you may or may not have met, whose last name you know & use Dear Mr Brown Yours sincerely
Informal To someone you know well, whose first name you know and use Dear John Best regards/ Warm wishes

Letters / IELTS: Letter to foreign country friend, starting an import-export business [6]


Well, since your prompt suggests you that he's a friend of yours, it is better you follow the style for an informal letter. Here are some notes on formal and informal letters and hope that would be helpful for you for this task;

different opening and closing. The chart below will help you remember this:
Style Characteristics Opening Ending
Formal To someone you have not met, whose name you don't know Dear Sir / Madam Yours faithfully
Semi-formal To someone you may or may not have met, whose last name you know & use Dear Mr Brown Yours sincerely
Informal To someone you know well, whose first name you know and use Dear John Best regards/ Warm wishes