Graduate / 'Awake dreams' - Applying for Physician Assistant school via CASPA [3]


.... This sentence is too long and therefore it tends to confuse the reader. Don't have all your ideas crept into one line. That disturbs your flow :(


I feel it's better you revisit this essay and redo the same.

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] Environmental protection V.S Economic developments [3]

They are both important because they are vital to human'sour future and welfare.


However, since resources are scarce and limited, governments need to decide which one should get priority over the other.


I believe that environmental issues should be given more consideration over economic development. ... stop at this point;


... this one does not add any value and therefore take it off.

Writing Feedback / IELTS ; Some people are born with talents while others are not! [4]


... this is not a very catchy hook that can grab reader's attention. You need to improve this sentence.


.... Have a seperate sentence for his idea.


... You mentioned about this above. So start with the reason as to why you hold that opinion.
Also, you should post your IELTS essays into Writing Feedback forum. Please follow this rule in future threads :)

Writing Feedback / Nowadays, technology rules the world - How does it affect relationships? [4]


... I feel you should improve the link between this line and the hook;
As such, human interactions too have come under heavy influence on new technological devices.


.... align this more with the prompt;
Obviously this influence has impacted on people both positively and negatively.

Writing Feedback / writing task 1 IELTS: writing a letter to your friend about a movie [4]


Hey... are you trying to offend your friend? ...LOL
Your whole essay looks like one paragraph. However, it needs these features;
1. Identify the type of letter (e.g. formal/ semi formal/ informal)
2. Open and Close the letter correctly( e.g. open; Formal letter - Dear Sir / Informal Letter -Dear Sanz)
3. Open an informal letter with a general, friendly paragraph
4. Identify the main purpose of the letter
In your case it is an informal letter

Writing Feedback / Claim & Reason: Surest indicator of great nation is wellfare of people [3]


... two things and therefore;
The claim and the reason clearlystate


...What do you mean? I don't get your idea :(


.... good advice by niesaysi and you need pay attention to what he suggests.


However, we cannot ignore the fact that contribution of the rulers, poets,scientists has mattered to the greatness of their nation.

Writing Feedback / IELTS writing task 1- A letter to a friend about a movie that I am planning to watch [3]


.... Dear Safdar ....This is an informal letter and therefore you need to adopt a friendly tone. We generally don't call our friends in their full name. So, first name would do for this purpose.


... Don't repeat the name. Also, better you say something like;
Hope everything is well with you.


.... In reality, we don't send letters to people with whom we talk too often. So, the "last night" part sound inappropriate in this context. Open an informal letter with a general, friendly paragraph to show that you care about the friendship. For example;

How is your family doing? We haven't met each other since last summer and I really looking forward to meeting you in my next vacation.

Writing Feedback / IELTS writing task 2- Doing the same job for whole the life or changing it frequently [18]


.... you don't need to give such details.


.... wish you said this in a more simple way;
When one keeps changing jobs, he or she would not be able to gain expertise in one particular profession and that may hinder his or her chances of becoming successful in career.

I would strongly suggest you to limit the number of reasons to one per para. Move to the next para for the next reason.

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] The characteristics of NEIGHBORS - Specific details and examples [9]


.... Both these sentences mean almost the same. Better do away with the first one. Second one provides a better hook.


.... show more ease in saying this'
To me, a good neighbor should be helpful and caring.


You better have all these characteristics in one line to avoid scattered effect.

Undergraduate / ANIMATOR; Statement of purpose for Scad (Animation interest) [4]


...Why did you want to be an Animator? What inspired you to develop such passion? You need to tell them that. Also, why people said that you were special? What made them to say so?

If you answer those questions you would come up with a more convincing response. When you talk through incidents or experiences, they are more powerful in convincing your case than the statements you make.

Writing Feedback / Fast food Vs Home-Cooked Food; 'mode of preparation and natural ways of cooking' [6]


... this is the background of your prompt. Before this, start your essay with a hook that grabs readers attention;
Nowadays, fast foods are becoming increasingly popular and trendy.

Writing Feedback / IELTS; Gender Vs Career - Why some jobs are done by men and others by women/ [5]


...try to align this more with your topic;
From the past to now, we have witnessed the differences between the job roles performed by men and women.


... I totally believe / I claim that
In my view, I support the idea that there cannot be any differences between males and females in their capacity of performing certain job roles.

Writing Feedback / Toefl: Treat pets like family members or not? 'it is not a good idea' [5]

Hi,
In your future posts, include the essay prompt. That is very helpful for us to provide you with more relevant comments :)


It's good to have a hook when you begin your essay because it would grab reader's attention and keep him with you throughout your writing. For example;

Pets keep our lives inspired[/i ]... your hook
Now tell the background of the problem;
[i]Because of this reason, some people believe that they need to be treated as family members. However, others feel that there is a vast difference between humans and other animals and therefore it is an impractical ideology . .... here you tell the reader why it is important to discuss the matter.

Now express your opinion;
I too believe that pets should not be treated as part of family.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL:It is important for students to participate in school's leisure activities？ [7]

Hi
Include the prompt in your essay. That makes easier for us to provide you with more relevant comments :)


... cultivation what? good values? good morals? .... you need to speicify


...no full stop
I believe that students should engage in extracurricular activities in school that help them develop their personality.


... this is not a reason... you need to state the reason. We know it's important. Tell why it's important!

Writing Feedback / IELTS writing task 2- Doing the same job for whole the life or changing it frequently [18]


Wow....welcome back ;)


... you could have presented this a bit differently;
...., however, there are some people who are reluctant to accept this natural phenomenon and find themselves utterly uncomfortable in changing environments and situations.
Good intro :)


The first and most significant reason as to why some people opt not to change their careers is due to their own personality traits.

Writing Feedback / Describe what responsibilty you think you will face as a GP in other country? [5]


Nowadays, brain drain has become a very common trend that many educated people opt to migrate to developed countries such as the US, UK, Canada etc. in hope of better opportunities that are not available in their homelands.


As a doctor, I would prefer a developed country to live instead of Iran.

Undergraduate / I know that I LOVE science; Cornell Engineering Supp [3]


I know I love science, especially chemistry.


.... this sentence is too long. Break it up to a few
ishas given you good advice. I wish you reduced the negativity in your response. Show them you are confident.

Writing Feedback / GRE; Educational inst are responsible for guiding students in their study fields [6]

The experienced faculties and managements who are well acknowledged aboutaware of the growing trends of technology should guide students through means of presentations ,seminars and face to face interactions with techies ofexperts ina certain field.particular fields

Is this essay for GRE? You better mention the purpose in the topic so that we can provide you with more task relevant feedbacks.


... This is good advice. I too agree :)

Undergraduate / I believe that I am a good student; PERSONAL STATEMENT - WARWICK HEFP [6]


I believe that I am a very organized student. I never have a difficulty in meeting deadlines of my assignments.


Also my perseverance led me to better my academic performance. While in elementary school, my grades were just average. However, in junior high school I determined to better them in hope of preparing myself for having admission to a good university and worked really hard that paid me off with good grades throughout high school.

Writing Feedback / 'the life itself'; PARENTS Vs TEACHERS ; Reasons & Examples [5]

Hi
Seems you are new to the forum. So, let me first tell you a few forum rules; You need to have a meaningful topic for your essay (I had to edit it) that well describes your essay. This attracts others attention and helps you earn good comments. You better mention the purpose of your writing,e.g. IELTS, TOEFL, GRE etc. in the topic itself so that we can provide you with task related feedbacks. Then finally, you should select the right forum. In this case it is Writing Feedback. (I moved your essay there) Hope you'd follow the forum rules in future :)

Before commenting on what you have written, I'd suggest you to have a look at this structure and re-do your essay accordingly.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2-Some people think that travel helps gaining knowledge [3]


...while others claim that media such as television and the Internet ....


.... I wish if you didn't include this sentence. The idea is implied and therefore no need to say.


On one hand, people who travel in other countries get the opportunity to broaden their perspectives and gain knowledge through their rich travel experiences.


This clearly shows that how effectively knowledge transmission can take place through foreign travel.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL; Some people treat their pets as members of their family. Is it good or not? [4]


.... Well.... this is certainly true for some people but not for everybody because there are people who have no tolerance for pets. So, start with a hook that can be applied to any situation or case.


.... great majority? I think that sounds a bit over done


When we take good care of our pets and treating them like as almost as family members, it naturally influence us to be more compassionate and kind towards others.

Writing Feedback / 'knowing own culture' - Should all students study the same curriculum? [5]

Hi
I know you are a newbie here. So I wish to stress on a few forum rules. You need to open this type of essays in the Writing Feedback forum. I found it in Graduate essays and transferred it to the right forum. Also, it is good to mention the purpose (TOEFL, IELTS, GRE etc) of your essay in the topic itself. I guess this is for GRE practicing :)

Then, include the prompt in your essay. That helps you earn more relevant comments :)

Undergraduate / I want to go to the college to become a musical theater actress [3]


Nowadays, many people hold the view that going to the theater to see a play is a waste of time and money. They think it is an old fashioned and boring habit.


However, there is another set of people who love and appreciate art and view it as a hobby, source of entertainment, relaxation etc. Only a very few people wishes to make it a career because they find their real passion in it that drives their lives and I include myself to be one of them.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 - The pie charts below give information about world population .... [3]


... this line is too long and therefore less interesting. Make it shorter!

Good job :)

Writing Feedback / DOES THE INTERNET PROMOTE DEEP READING & CRITICAL ENGAGEMENT; "The Shallows" [3]

In the book The Shallows, Nicholas Carr discusses how the internet is changing our brains and ruining our ability to deeply read and critically engage text

In the book "The Shallows", Nicholas Carr discusses how the Internet is changing our reading habits, especially the deep reading and critical engagement on text


The essential difference between the two is that one is flexible with change and the other is rigid and does not support change.

Scholarship / True love is to love what we don't like if it's necessary to make a change;MOTIVATION [2]


At the start I didn't like Law as a subject, however, this quote inspired me and I began to love it in order to change the lives of my people


private

Seems like you are forwarding a list of your experiences and credentials. Present it more creatively. Tell what you learned out of these experiences and how they did impact you as a person.

Writing Feedback / American students should be required to learn a second language; CLEP exam [4]


If you visit the five largest cities in the United States, your ears will be filled with many foreign languages that are spoken in this land of promises.


It's true that English is the dominant language, however, the runners up Spanish, French, Mandarin and a myriad of other dialects are not too far behind in the numbers of their speakers.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: tourism as source of revenue, disadvantages should not be overlooked. [5]

[quote=jflo]All over the world, nations are trying to showcase their respective countries to attract visitors because of the belief that with more tourist, more money will come in./quote]

This is not grammatically incorrect. However, I wish you employed a hook in the introduction that well explains about your main topic and also helps align your essay with the topic.

However, the disadvantages of tourism should also be puttaken into consideration.

Writing Feedback / Major cities help understand characteristics of that society? [4]

.... it is not only you who suffer from lack of adequate facilities, but most of us too. So it is not an issue at all. We'd continue to support you :)

The best option for us is to take the advantage of every opportunity practice. A language cannot learn from books alone. You need to practice. Write lots of essays and post them there for our feedbacks.

Writing Feedback / IELTS:should we discourage non-essential flights to reduce environmental problems. [3]

Environment problemsissues("problems" is not incorrect, but "issues" sound better I feel) have become increasingly popular (???? .... popular is not ther right usage here beccause it gives a positive feeling where as environment pollution is a negative thing) in many parts of the word today.

This is what I suggest;
Environmental issues have become a major concern today due their serious negative implications on our planet.


.... I found this is confusing.... Before coming to this point, tell the reader that air travel has aggravated the issues.

Writing Feedback / Should sports and art be removed from curriculum? [10]

No worries.... Those rules would help you earn more comments too :D Try to express your ideas in a more simple tone. You can improve a lot with practice. Make another post to this thread with your revised version. I'll help you :)

Writing Feedback / Studying in a group has a lot of advantages that can promote learning process [4]


... well, you should have put it like this;
Self studying , without any doubt , would allow a person to concentrate on studies with minimum disturbance and interference compared studying in groups. However, in my view, I believe that group studying has lots of advantages in shaping one's personality, skills and knowledge.

Undergraduate / my teachers never really cared about me; UCF College App [4]


....their view was that I should been attended a school for the mentally retarded children.


That was the time I moved to Florida to live with my mom.


This conveyed a strong message to me; Yes, I need to prove them all wrong!

Writing Feedback / IELTS: CLIMATE CHANGE ISSUE - Not enough political action! [8]

Okkkkk.... it's not the best way to start your essay. You need a good hook that grabs readers attention and keeps him with you throughout your essay. :)

Try this structure for your intro;
Have these three parts in your introduction;

Writing Feedback / TOEFL; Gender differences and how they apply on jobs they do? [2]

Well ... you are preparing for TOEFL independent writing task which requires you to write an essay with certain features in its content within a stipulated time frame. Your introduction fails to produce those feature and your whole essay too. You need to have a sound alignment with your prompt and it should be displayed throughout your writing.

Writing Feedback / Should sports and art be removed from curriculum? [10]

Hi
There are a few things you need to follow as a forum member. First, this post should have been posted under Writing Feedback category and not Undergraduate category (I moved it from there to Writing Feedback). Second, you should have had a more meaningful topic indicating the purpose (e.g. IELTS, TOEFL, GRE etc.) That would help you earn more relevant and useful comments.

There are many grammar issues in this essay. Even your prompt seems to be having problems. Did you copy it from somewhere or type on your own?


in education

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Non academic subjects should be removed from syllabus - Agree or Disagree? [4]

Students have become more and more stressed during the last few years due to the increase in academic tasks assigned to them by their teachers to improvein hope of improving the students'their academic success.


... link this with the previous idea;
This issue has made some people to believe that non academic subjects should be removed from the curriculum. However, I strongly disagree with this position.

Writing Feedback / IELTS; Flour consumption in six countries [4]

Hi tkp,
This is for your IELTS writing practice, isn't it? So you need to post it into the Writing Feedback forum (I moved it from Undergraduate to Writing Feedback). Please follow this rule in your future posts.

However, you write well and try to have a few more detailed stuff in the 3rd para.

Writing Feedback / IELTS; Will traditional skills and way of life die with technological advancement? No [4]


Although some people argue that technology may cause the death of traditional skills and way of life, I firmly believe that they will continue to thrive.

Very good introduction. All essential features can be found there :)


....products & production ?
enhance efficiency in production of goods and services
Where your examples? You need to back your reasons with examples