Writing Feedback / IELTS; Governments can ensure all its people are educated by providing free education [5]

Include your essay prompt in your post. So that we can provide you with more relevant comments.


... This sentence fails to convey your idea and leads the reader to wonder about what you really mean. Is this what you try to mean;

Some people believe that by providing free education to the people, the governments can ensure that every countryman will be educated.


..."only" has been used twice.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2-The rising levels of congestion and air pollution [5]


.... why cars only... your prompt is about congestion and air pollution which is caused by all types of vehicles. When you have a topic with a more broader sense, do not narrow it down. So you should have said;

In recent times, we have seen a sharp increase in vehicles on roads.


...not necessary to say
Are you within the minimum word count requirement. You need to have at least 250 worlds.

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] Parents can help their children's life by asking them to take a job or not [7]

You need to start with a good hook that grab the reader's attention.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL / How teachers can make the subject interesting to students( new)! [5]

Hi
It is always good to include the prompt with your essay so that we know what it really means and accordingly we can check your whether your response is aligned with what it expects.

It seems you can write well. However, you need to follow a more efficient essay structure that helps you score marks by having all important features as well as manage time well for this task.

Writing Feedback / ILETS: Should children be never educated at home? 'Coaching a little angel' [4]

Coaching a little angelchild is a monumentaltedious, yet very inspiring task whether it is done at home or in a traditional school setting.

Some families prefer to teach their progenies at the comfort of the habitat while others send their kids to contemporary public schooling . .... You try to use synonyms at a very high degree and I feel it has harmed your essay flow. Don't crowd your essay with too many synonyms and make it look very complexed. It may act negatively towards your presentation and reader would lose his interest in reading your essay.

Writing Feedback / IELTS ; Should developing countries concentrate on improving industrial skills? [4]


....mention why it is so


... This is not clear at all... what do they need prioritize? what do you mean by "one important task"? and why you say "sake of others"? All these things you need to answer for the reader to understand what you mean.

My advice for you is to follow a more simple and clearer sentences in presenting your ideas. That way you can arouse the reader's interest without making him tired of reading more complex sentences.

Writing Feedback / Ielts Task 1 : % Change in price of houses - Bar graph [4]

You are required to post IELTS essays into Writing Feedback forum.


.... this is not a detailed information, but generic information about the graph. So it should have been included in the indoctrination.
This is good.

Writing Feedback / IELTS:Development of transportation has enabled people to travel conveniently [5]

Without reading your prompt it is difficult for us to provide you with relevant comments for your task and it is better if you include it in your essay. Also, please post your IELTS essays into Writing Feedback forum with a meaningful topic.

Nowadays, thanks to the development of transportation, people can travel to other countries conveniently. However, the differences about cultures become a barrier offor travelling; as a result, brieflybrief mutual understanding of the culture that people come is quite important for both visitors and hosts . In my opinion, I think that there are advantages and disadvantages to this argument.both pros and cons in international travel.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL- How teachers can make the subject interesting to students! [2]

There are many ways of teaching. Some people believe that strictly and carefully presenting theories in the class is the best way of teaching, while others assert that involving applications on that theory will be more convincing. .... this is fine, but you should have started with a hook that grabs the readers attention.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK2:Young people becoming less respectful and polite these days [8]

You write very well and there are no doubts about your writing skills. So you should aim a real good band. However, you better include specific examples for your reasons in the body paragraphs. Since these tasks have a major bearing on time management, I would suggest you to limit your reasons to one reason in each paragraph.

Writing Feedback / Major cities help understand characteristics of that society? [4]


..."statement" is getting repeated too soon ;
Given the ambiguity of this statement, I do not wish to agree with it because I believe that major cities fail to reveal every aspect of its society.


.... this is a strong point :)
Are you preparing for GRE? Include your purpose in the topic. Also, make sure you post these essays into Writing Feedback forum in the future. I transferred this there :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS:should students who majored in education or medicine work in rural areas first [2]


... "while" should be used as a connector here.


... Give more focus to the real reason. What's the reason here? It is that doctors or teachers should work in the places where there is a demand for their services. So let's put it like this;

First, like in any other profession, doctors and teachers too should be given the opportunity to work in places where there is a high demand for their services.

Undergraduate / Personal Statement for biomedicine: Stepped into a lab with my broken toe [6]


.... Tell them how this desire grew to convince them that you have a real passion for the field.


... this is good, but tell them how it can be a tailor fit to your personal interests. In other words, talk about a few of its features. Then they would know that you have taken a strong interest in their uni.

Writing Feedback / University entrance exam should no longer be mandatory [5]


University entrance exams are a common feature in the education system in some Asian countries such as Japan, China, Vietnam etc. whereas the USA and European countries have already waived off this requirement for university admission.


.... why does this happen.... include it in this sentence.

Writing Feedback / The three pie charts show the changes in annual spending by a particular UK school in [5]

Where is the graph? You should have uploaded the graph using the Attach file feature because it helps us provide you with more relevant comments. :)


.... you do not talk anything about the the type of graphs. The focus should be on the what is represented by the graphs.

Essays / Throughout my life, I often had always wondered what my calling was [3]


Throughout my life, I often wondered what my calling was; my purpose in life? my destiny?


... can't capture what you try to mean by this :(


.... this one is too


[quote=ovoxo]My lifelong still ongoing process of self-discovery has fascinated me and still isit does . quote]

Writing Feedback / Can Human nature produce crimes? [5]


Well, the essays that are meant for IELTS, TOEFL, GRE and classroom assignments should be posted to Writing Feedback. Essays on Undergraduate Application prompts should be posted to Undergraduate essays.

Are you preparing for IELTS or TOEFL? Your topic sounds like that :)

Writing Feedback / Can Human nature produce crimes? [5]


....I feel you need a stronger hook.


... I dont find any connection between the first and the latter part of this sentence. :(


...
This is not nessary to say because it is implied.
You need to post this type of essays into writing feedback forum.

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] Should we require our young children to learn music and art... [2]


.... Parent means mother or father. Parents mean both mother and father. So it should be;
All parents expect their children to be outstanding and successful.
Every parent expects theie children to be outstanding and successful.
The first line is better.


.... cultivating what? Do they try to cultivate good values? ...this sentence is incomplete

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Is change good for people or not? [4]


I too feel you need pay attention to what pahan comments. Your essay gets distracted from the topic andvthere forbit fails to respond to the prompt properly.


....the actual reason is thst people are reluctant to come out from their comfort zone. So they try to follow the same routine or stick to their usual lifestyle. You need to give prominance to this idea.

Writing Feedback / IELTS_writing: should people exploit animals for human purposes? [3]

First, I wish to request you to post your IELTS essays into Writing Feedback forum which is dedicated for such essays. You would be able to earn more comments when your essay resides there. (I moved your essay from Undergraduate to Writing Feedback)

Overall, I think your essay is good. Improve your introduction :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS:apprehensive mind; learning a foreign language at primary/secondary school [6]


... I guess what you try to mean is that children have an inquiring mind. "apprehensive" is not the appropriate word.
During the primary school, children possess an inquiring mind. They do not have any responsibilities unlike the adults and therefore they enjoy freedom for learning new things.

I have moved your essay from Undergraudate to Writing Feedback. Please post your IELTS essays to Writing Feedback forum.

Letters / City&Guilds: Letter to a friend expressing how you feel about being this age. [4]


Thanks for your last letter and please forgive me for this late response.


... Honestly, that was one of the best parties I have ever had so far.


.... Well, you are supposed to talk more about your feelings over being 21. Talk about freedom, challenges, future, past etc. as a 21 year old.

Undergraduate / My life in Haiti ; Challenge I have faced and how it has shaped my thinking [4]


Okkkk...let's have a look;


.... you can make this shorter by skimming the main idea.
My point was actually, you elaborate more on how the challenges and less is told about how you overcame them. What were your strategies, efforts etc.

Writing Feedback / Visiting museums during travel; to become familiar with other cultures & history [4]


....I don't see a clear difference between the two views.


... sounds repetitive a bit.


... well... artifacts help people understand how those cultures evolved.


.... I think you can be more specific here. Tell the weapons used by ancient Chinese were different to what have been used by the French in parallel times.

Writing Feedback / The advertisements consist of all the shining information about the product [2]

I guess you are preparing for IELTS or TOEFL. It's a good practice to include your task in the topic so that we can align our comments with the task requirements. Also, this type of essays should be posted to the Writing Feedback forum. Follow these instructions in future posts and that would help you too by earning more relevant and useful comments.

Undergraduate / VEGANISM; Cornell college; IDEA / CENTRAL STORY TO MY IDENTITY [2]


I guess this is a very strong topic and I feel you have done a good job. Well... I'm not a vegan, but I respect them. I do understand the different opinions people form on this subject, but you defend your belief very logically. That's good. I only wish if you improve this to give the reader a more convincing picture as to what made yourself to opt for this dietary move;


I think this contains the core of your justification. So I wish you were a bit more descriptive on that. Present it in a manner that brings out your compassionate personality.

Writing Feedback / IELTS:Good members of society - Who's Responsible? [4]


... keep it in present tense. ...
educational organizations ... educated person ---------- now you get the difference!
What is your opinion? You need to mention that in the introduction.
Try to write simple, yet interesting sentences.

Writing Feedback / Teenagers and jobs paragraph - it is my blog for writing [6]

Are you talking about the gap year? It's difficult to provide you with relevant comments when we don't know the real purpose :( .... Seems like an IETLS or TOEFL type of writing


Some support the view that teenagers should be employed because that experience enable them to prepare themselves for taking up future challenges.

Writing Feedback / ILETS:Schools should concentrate on teaching students the academic subjects [7]

Include your prompt together with your essay so that we know what it expects. And we can align our feedback better with what it requires.


.... seems you have too many ideas crept into this line and nothing comes out freely :(
I feel you need to follow a better structure too.

Writing Feedback / FOOD STANDS Vs EATING AT HOME ; I support the latter! [4]


.... This is not necessary to say. The reader expects you to do that. Your introduction sounds better without this
You write very well and also have good ideas. It seems you have an idea about how the structure should be too. However, my strong advice is that you need to restrict one reason per one paragraph.

One more thing - post this type of essays into the Writing Feedback forum. :)

Writing Feedback / Generation gap between ours and our parents [5]


.... Well... this is a poor hook. You need to say something that has more relevance to your topic. Your topic is about the generation gap between your generation and that of your parents. So, begin with a strong hook that sets you the stage for introducing your prompt. It is important that your writing always be aligned with the topic.

Writing Feedback / Cinema is coming to an end or not? [3]


...very good point :) .... I'm going to change the order a bit;
The exciting atmosphere that the theater could create is the main reason why people are so attracted to it.


... will be or will not be? some error here?
Anyways, good content with interesting ideas :)

Grammar, Usage / 'professional athletes' - Need help with grammar (verb usage) [3]


Yes... this is the right one.
Let's take the second one;


... this has an obvious grammar issues;
athletes are / athlete is
"accepted" is not so appropriate word to use for this idea. "known" is a better word;
Professional athletes are widely known for earning lots of money

Graduate / I come from a family of Teachers; SOP FOR ELCTRICAL ENGINEERING [4]

Your SOP is the best opportunity for them to know about you as a person. Here are some points that you need to display in your SOP;

(1) You are passionately interested in the field
(2) intelligent
(3) well-prepared academically and personally
(4) able to take on the challenges of grad school
(5) able to have rapport with professors and fellow grad students
(6) able to finish the graduate degree in a timely fashion
(7) a potentially outstanding representative of that grad school in your future career.

Writing Feedback / Today's youth is more knowledgeable about issues than previous generations [4]


Give more prominance to your reason as you have already introduced your tpic and no need in repeating it here. Your reason here is that modern technology has enabled the youth access information on theses things match faster than what prevous generations were able to

Writing Feedback / [IELTS] Tourists should follow local customs or host should welcome differences [4]


This trend has sparkedca concern as to how people should behave when they are in another country where they would be exposed to a total different culture and tradtions.


Some believe that tourists should respect local cultures while others argue that host country needs to acknowledge cultural differences and be more accomodative towards tourists.

Also express your opinion in the introduction.

Writing Feedback / IELTS, How immigration change the life in both industrialised and developed countries [4]

Hi,
It's always good to have your prompt included in the essay. Then we know exactly what it expects and we can align our comments accordingly.


... rather than showing it as an issue, I prefer if keep it in a more general level and talk aboutvhow it would affect the two sets of countries. However, if your prompt highlights it as a issue, then it's fine :)

Writing Feedback / 'No clear illustration' - 2 IELTS What factors contribute to Happiness? [3]


.... This is good, but you should have mentioned that it is a mental state that is difficult to define exactly.


.
First, different people have different perceptions about happiness..... keep it short and sweet. You should give prominence to your reason :)


... these are the tears of happiness and not sadness and it is just a natural way of expressing our feelings... I think you should have given a better example as there are plenty. Tell some people think money can bring happiness while hermits believe no money get them to happiness :)

Writing Feedback / Learning a foreign language early bring additional tension & stress to children [3]


.... the latter part is not necessary and it's anyway implied. The reader expects you to do that in body paragraphs. So, express your view clearly and that's enough.


... why do children grasp anything that's thrown at them compared to adults ? Is it their inquisitiveness or free thinking or what? You need to elaborate that point as your reason .


... well, here you are. This is your reason and you should have started the para with this.
I feel you need slight improvements with the structure.