Undergraduate / "an enthusiastic person interested in many activities' - upenn Arts and Science [3]

I think a dash is better than a colon here:
Penn has one of the broadest ranges of activities among all the universities in the United States -- from sports and student body organizations to environmental groups and media.

I actively take part in different various extra-curricular activities in my high school, and I am looking forward to doing so at Upenn.

In my opinion, a well-rounded student not only has to be well-educated, but also be able to give back to the community.---This is a little too obvious and simplistic to be the thesis statement of the essay. Can you change it to make it a little more unique? Now that the essay is completed, maybe you can add a new idea to the thesis statement.

I am looking forward to taking part in activities in Upenn about helping the environment. I am quite passionate about helping the environment. ( Instead of repeating that you are concerned about the environment, you should say something more specific in this sentence.

...things that people neglect, like turning off the tap while brushing, refuse refusing to use plastic bags in supermarket when I only buy in little amount, etc.

Can you express a memorable THEME in the first paragraph and in the last paragraph? Give the reader one main idea that she will associate with you in her mind. It will make the essay more cohesive and memorable.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Describing my partner, Khalid (my best classmate) [3]

I'll change this comma to a period:
He is older than me. He is 21 years old. He is single. He was born in Riyadh, which is the

Here, do not capitalize the H: He has five brothers, and He he is the older one.

In his free time, he likes to watch movies, play soccer, go fishing, play volleyball, hung hang out with his friend, read books, and ...

He has been worked in many companies, such as Nissan, which is a big company for sell that sells cars. He had the opportunity to be involved in Lexus Company. He has been...

You had a few errors, but it is pretty good. You should give the essay a THEME. A theme is like a message to the reader or an idea that the essay expresses at the beginning and the end. Google "theme" so get some ideas. :-)

Undergraduate / NYU Supplements: "Global Health", "Why NYC" & "Alice in Wonderland" [8]

I like this one, and I will add a hyphen:

a chance to learn about other cultures through first hand experience and in-depth study

Essays / Do you think self expression in high school will always have to be partially limited? [3]

Is this for an essay? If not, I will move it to the category called "Student Talk."

Self expression is limited everywhere! That is why we need art. Language is not always able to capture our ideas, so we need art, and people do not understand art the way we intend either.

So expression is always limited.

As for wearing a skirt to school, I think he should be able to wear one if he wants to, but out society is not ready to give individuals that kind of freedom. But many, many boys prefer to wear girls' clothing, and it is okay to feel that way.

I wish American society, for example, was able to be kind to a boy wearing a dress to school, but in most cases I think the adults and students would treat the boy badly.

Undergraduate / "Crossing Bridges" - UC Prompt 1/Common App Essay. Too Stereotypical? [5]


Wow! Excellent writing here.

...expertly coaches a football team from the couch.---another cool part.

And contractions are not so bad... some uncreative AO readers might hold it against you, but I don't think anyone can fail to notice the great writing here. Thanks for posting the essay! I see no errors, and the sentences are so artfully written that I can't give any suggestion.

Grammar, Usage / Sample of combining sentences; Need advice. [14]

Cool! Thanks,Nikamonster!

Yes, that seems right. And with a lot of words like this, you can get away with doing what you want because the reader is not sure either!

But usually you can put words together if they are commonly used together.

Poetry / "Don't describe me in 5 stanzas"- Virginia TECH (poem) [2]


Cool line!

Hey, I think the word "above" should be taken out of that last line.

Also, try taking out the word "that"... it appears in the first line of each stanza and also in the second-to-last line. It can be taken out of each unless that would mess up the rhythm you intend.

I like it! I hope the AO reader will not be biased against your unconventional approach! But that is the worthy risk always associated with being unconventional.

Graduate / "Mom's flu shot and quest for knowledge" - Law School Personal Statement [4]

Yes... this is very good. I like the way you presented it. That first paragraph causes questions to arise in my mind, and I become invested in the story and your plan. Then, at the end of the essay I really thought the last sentence was very powerful.

:-)

Undergraduate / "We present the Annual School Play 'Fiddler on the Roof'" - setback [4]


Great insight!

In days to come I might fall but I will just get up dust myself and walk with my head high.
---This sentence is a little cliche... like, too simplistic. In fact, I think you kept writing for a long time after you made the point of the essay. If you dig a little deeper, you can find a great idea to share with the reader -- some insight that will help the reader to better cope with failure sometime. Everyone knows we need to use it as motivation to improve, but maybe you can give another idea about it ... an idea that will add a new dimension to the essay.

:-)

Undergraduate / "I have always contributed something" - Rutgers admission essay [9]


Ha ha, yes it is awe striking!

Well, I am glad the experience is a positive one so far! Thanks for coming back and participating in EssayForum. Please check out essayforum.com/ef-contributor-page/.

Graduate / Program of study essay - any general guidelines and structure? [8]


The characteristics of an essay are a thesis statement, topic sentences, transition sentences, evidence, clarity, and so forth.

I don't understand what tax has to do with an essay.

I agree with Varchas: please elaborate! :-)

Writing Feedback / Ielts : Young people's awareness of global issues [4]

In this essay, the reason of the importance of these positive attitudes will be discussed.----This thesis statement is okay, but I think it will be better if you try to sum up the main meaning of the essay in that single sentence.

...people have become more concerned about not only individuals' lives life but also the various affairs occurring in the world.

I In conclusion, people must promote the action work to resolve various issues in the world so that next ...

:-)

Undergraduate / "feeding the homeless" - Personally Significant contribution in community [3]

I don't think entailed is the right word here.

Being heavily entailed in a community is an arduous job. Choose a different way to explain the job.

Not only is one creating a balancing act between their studies and community work, but also manag ing time wisely to maneuver an effective service projects to benefit not only oneself but their the community. ----Keep it simple so that it is not a lot of work for the reader to read it.

This experience willingly naturally forced me to become more appreciative of what life has provided.----willingly means something different. "Although I am not required to do so, I willingly correct mistakes in the essay."

Assuring a commencing pledge from that vary experience to I will continue my journey to provide and assist my community but to also and stress to future generations the importance of community service activities. Not only will it affect oneself at the very moment but it can also create a catalyst ...

Use use "not many ---> but also" too much. Only use it once in each essay. :-)

Scholarship / "the packed audience, concert" - Personal statement help [4]

Let's add a comma and get rid of a "the":
Waiting backstage, I could hear the thunderous applause coming from the packed audience, signifying the end of the item.

...and once again, made music.----excellent sentence here.

And here we can get rid of a that:
I believe that every age brings new opportunities and experiences and by attending [name of the music school I am applying for], I hope to fulfil fulfill my aspirations of becoming someone who inspires and motivates others and those experiencing hardship by persevering and enduring through mine.

Actually, I think you should get rid of "Every age" too!! Do this, and add a comma:
Every age brings new opportunities and experiences, and by attending ...

Undergraduate / "personal diversions of singing and film" - USC short answer - academic interest [3]

This is excellent stuff. I like all of it and don't suggest any changes to the first half.

What I want most in pursuing my interests is the ability to do just that: pursue-- to continue to investigate that which interests and inspires me, while immersed in an environment that supplies me with the tools to do so. This stuff is meaningless. I'm glad it is, because otherwise I would not have been able to give you any advice! Your writing is great. But this sentence is meaningless, and I think you should replace it with a sentence about what you really want -- your specific goals.

I want to be in a place where I am encouraged... and adventures--one I could get from USC. This, too... it is without meaning. The beginning of this essay is great!! So look at it again, and ask yourself what the main message is. Express that message at the end,

:-)

Writing Feedback / Technology, the social life killer or saviour? [3]

They are not destroying a social network. They are improving the communication capabilities in our social networks. But I know what you mean about destroying face-to-face communication.

Technology is part of all of our daily lives. ---I think you should add a few words to this sentence ot make it a little more meaningful.

No matter what you we do -- cook, work, or go to the store -- we all use technology.

:-)

Be willing to change the thesis statement after you write the body paragraphs. You should learn something while you read and write about the topic, and that will change the thesis statement.

Graduate / Statement of Purpose (Biomedical Engineering) [7]

In This situation, I would use a colon:
His first lecture started with a founding question: "What do you need ...

And here I would use a dash:
After the conversation with Professor H, I began to look at the same matter from different angles -- from the eyes of a biomedical engineer.

Upon completion of my Ph.D. program I would like to continue my research at where diverse research opportunities are available. XXXXXX, YYYYYY, or ZZZZZ, because the research being conducted at these institutions is _____________. (Tell the reader what you would like to do, specifically.)

:-)

Undergraduate / "I am still different; diverse and Roman Catholic" - Rutgers essay [4]


Man, this is cool poetry but I don't know if the AO reader will appreciate it. As the last sentence of the first paragraph, it should be a clear thesis statement. Falling prey to a cliche is confusing, and the "cliche of a typical student" is confusing, because when I think of a cliche I think of a phrase that is overused.

It should be a dash or a comma, not a semi-colon:
Although, I am white, middle-class and do not have any physical handicaps or mental challenges -- I am still different. To simplify what I am trying to get around to is that; I may look like an average white Caucasian student but there is something about me that is unusual and can help supply to a diverse campus.

Merely, I am a family person and a jock. ---Cool, i have never seen merely at the start of a sentence before.

Being rinsed by a Roman Catholic family, they have taught me the concept of church and showed the way to be scrupulous.---does rinse refer to baptism or is it a typo? I think maybe you mean raised, ha ha...

Here is a place you can cut the word "that"
sure that it will have a significant affect on me.

Undergraduate / "Leaving my small town in Syria to America" - Rutgers "Diverse Community" [3]

If you use "although," you need another part of the sentence with a subject and predicate:
Although I had in my mind that I was going to face the struggles along the way, I wondered if I could adapt to a whole new environment and learn a completely different language. but What I knew for sure was that life is a challenge and I needed to ...

I think some more meaning should be added to this sentence:
I believe Rutgers University will help me accomplish my dream. -----As the first sentence of a paragraph, this should have at least another word or two to add meaning.

The University of Rutgers will also help me in my studies more than any other school could help me, because __________ (why is is better than other schools?). I am and have always been fascinated with computers ever since I was young. My major is a computer engineer (name the major ... Computer Science?). With the help of Rutgers, I feel I can...

You write very well! I just suggest a little more detail in those short sentences.

:-)

Research Papers / why did north Korea attack south Korea? [4]

There are some mistakes, but most of it makes sense! :-)
However, look at the important advice from Frezard: it is North Korea that is producing nukes, etc. You accidentally had them backwards.

We are hard to explain why do until now
It is hard to explain how conflicts still arise come to us when we are in a state of peace.

Capitalize World War II. ---- :-) capitalize the W's.

Switch the way you talk about them like Frezard mentioned, because what you are saying about S.Korea is true about North Korea.

Nevertheless , we are so greedy and selfish so that they we desire to be above the others.

This is a good sentence: We always want to start wars to be the strongest and richest.

Writing Feedback / SAT essay! Where do I see myself when I am 22. Need grammar help. [4]

As dogs are a huge part of my life I will have at least two
dogs of my own. --This sentence is a random way to end the first paragraph.

Each paragraph = a different idea. The first and last sentence of each paragraph can sometimes succinctly express that idea that the paragraph represents. A paragraph that lists all these goals should end with a sentence that sums them up or draws a conclusion... something that expresses the main idea.

In the first paragraph, the main idea of the paragraph usually is the main idea of the essay.

I will be getting my graduated graduate degree in the field of chiropractic medicine. work field.

:-)

Undergraduate / Why Economics and Psychology for a Vietnamese student? - Brown University Supplement [4]

Her description of the school enabled me to experience the peaceful hills of Providence despite never having set foot in New England.----I made a small change so that the sentence is structured a little better. It is better this way because it improves theclarity of the second part of the sentence.

You write very well. I think you should add a detail or two about your goals for the next two years. Show that you set goals and have a specific plan.

I think you will like Providence! Even if you dso not go to Brown, there are many other schools in Providence, and the city has a cool personality. Check out the water fires and the giant mall.

Undergraduate / "Growing up in India, Bollywood and music taste" - common app [6]

I guess I think this should be "how" to respond:
what how to respond.

India tends to be a highly biased society: most children are expected to follow in their parents' footsteps, and I was one of them until my migration to America.----Very good sentence, but I added a comma

On the way to my first home in America, the taxi cab driver .... about to encounter in this new culture. ---another beautifully written sentence.

He asked, "what What kind of music do you prefer?"

...during my journey, I have learned the importance of culture and values. ---After this sentence, you should say something about the importance of culture and values to show what you mean; share what you learned by summing up the meaning of the lesson in a single sentence.

That is an important ability: to be able to explain something in a single sentence.

Undergraduate / Texas A&M - Artistic New Perspective [3]


ha ha, very cool...

I think you should type nine instead of 9.

I like your definition of art. "Passion" is the word you use to define it...therefore, at the end of the essay say something about art when you mention passion in relation to learning:

Ms. Tully has inspired me to constantly strive to see things in a different way and through her excitement to teach, my passion to learn has expanded greatly. ---"connect" art, passion, and learning with a cool concept that connects them.

I see things in from a different perspective now, and that has made the view more breathtaking that I've ever seen before.

Undergraduate / "China, the country to study in" - Studying Abroad Honors Program Essay [2]

China would be is a country that I would be enthralled to study within.
Actually, you are not supposed to end a sentence with a preposition, but people break that rule all the time. Still, you can do this if you want to:

China would be is a country in which I would be enthralled to study.

... they grow for sustenance .

the positive and negative health benefits consequences of the Chinese diet. ----You can't have negative benefits... so I had to change it to consequences, which can be positive or negtative.-------Um... I don't know about people's diet in Chine, really... but I think it is not the same as the food you get at Chinese Restaurants in America...

I would hope to gain additional knowledge on their cultural beliefs and differences from the American ways of life, and delve into philosophical reasons for the differences between the Chinese and American ways of life.---Awesome! Great job...

Undergraduate / "it's all about ideas" - How does University of Chicago Satisfy Your Desire Essay [5]

With that long list at the end of the first paragraph, I think you need to add a SHORT sentence after it so that you can "balance" it out. That is kind of like the writing equivalent of aesthetic balance in visual art.

So... I would add a very short, interesting, meaningful sentence at the end of that first para.

Yes, so add that short thesis statement to the end of paragraph one (i.e. the main idea/message of the whole essay), and then add PARAGRAPH TOPIC SENTENCES to the two body paragraphs.

And I think the conclusion is cool the way it is.

but you need a thesis statement and 2 topic sentences that express the main idea of paragraphs, which should support the thesis statement.

:-) Thus, I think you should add a sentence to three of the paragraphs but not the conclusion. That will improve the "structure" of the essay.

Grammar, Usage / To get correction of these sentences [11]

...fit in well with her career intentions and academic plan.

I like the correction made by motonrayo, but I would offer this idea above.

:-)

Undergraduate / "Soccer, Urugway" - someone who influenced me - international student [4]


Are you kidding?! :-) Sports have the deepest meditation, locking you into a moment and forcing you to concentrate all attention into the activity. Sports also have intellectual significance as matters of culture and personal fulfillment. Plus, with childhood obesity a concern in many countries, sports play a key role in health.

And when you say you are not the deepest person, I have to disagree because you wrote "I had both triumphed and failed that day."

is there anything that would show me negatively to adcoms ?---I don't know! They are all different. But everyone is impressed by good PARAGRAPH TOPIC SENTENCES and a strong THESIS STATEMENT AT THE END OF THE FIRST PARAGRAPH. Those things are always impressive. :-) Google around to learn more about them if necessary...

Undergraduate / "I began studying sociology" - UC Transfer Intro- Sociology Major [3]

Wow, I can't see much room for improvement. You wrote it in a great way. The only thing you can do, I guess, is get more precise about your intentions. That will make it interesting. I mean, even though you wrote this very well, it is still just describing sociology as your area of interest and then adding that you come from a background of diversity. But I think you can get a little more specific about maybe an area of specialization in the field of sociology so that you can "add interest" to the essay and show that you have been researching concepts of modern importance in the field.

:-)

Undergraduate / Essay that explains an aspect of my extra curricular backgroud - "The biggest reward" [3]

This is a great topic, and you wrote it very well. More importantly, you deserve every opportunity, because you did something great to help others.

Here is a typo:
Trough the ...

Also, do not capitalize the o:
year, we Organized organized bake sales every Friday, lots of garage sales, a magic show, plays made by ourselves we wrote and performed, makeup courses, raffles and even a party. Not only w We not only raised enough money to cover the travel expenses, but also We managed to work together...

:-)

Undergraduate / Commonapp-How a trivial jealousy led to an epiphany on expectations in life [9]

...whatever syllable was in my throat
or
whatever syllable arose from my throat.

Verb tense:... could sound refined when I spoke and wrote. speak and write .

This sentence is incomplete: Even when my local teachers did not have much faith in foreign scholars' ability in English and Literature.
I'll add a predicate for the sentence:
I struggled diligently even when my local teachers did not have much faith in foreign scholars' ability in English and Literature.

Same here, incomplete: Even when my fellow scholars "got their focus right" and went on to win all kinds of prizes in science, while I was still stuck in a rut, trying to wrestle with the task of not falling asleep reading Wuthering Heights.

To make it complete, use a dash:
I struggled diligently even when my local teachers did not have much faith in foreign scholars' ability in English and Literature -- even when my ...

or a comma:
I struggled diligently even when my local teachers did not have much faith in foreign scholars' ability in English and Literature, even when my ...

But anyway, that is not a big deal. It is just something I wanted to talk about a little. You write very, very well!

Capitalize Internet. It is a proper noun.

However, I realized that an ideal life should comprise a complex interplay of those two factors, jealousy and settlement. ---absolutely brilliant.

Essays do not get better than this essay. It's very meaningful, and I am smarter after reading it. :-)

Writing Feedback / Importance of working conditions? Focus on products or working conditions? [3]

In the first paragraph, the words "benefit" and "product" should both probably have an s at the end. However, it is not incorrect the way you wrote it. It would just be a little better if they were plural.

No one (2 words)

The company's image, in turn, is polished.

Firstly, employees would not be able to fully concentrate on their works work if they had to work with a residential fear of work accidents. ------Residential is probably not the right word here. Maybe you mean "lingering."

Secondly, with reasonable rewards for their performance, specifically, high salary, the company will prevent potential loss of experience labor. ----perfect!! But to make it better you can change will to would because you used would in the previous sentence.

The maintaining of experienced and talent workforce would in turn warrant long-term success.

In fact, advanced theorists have been referring the labor as one of the most important factors for businesses orienting achieving sustainable development.

This is excellent. I think you should feel very confident!

Undergraduate / "adopted...attempted to connect to my roots" UC #2 [3]

- neither of us trusts a square burger. Awesome... you are cool...

Capitalize Internet.

This essay is perfect! I can't suggest any changes.

I agree with Gianna about this:
"I was adopted as an infant, and I was never able to meet my birth-mother before she passed away."
or
"I was adopted as an infant and was never able to meet my birth-mother before she passed away." (no comma)
* with "I" it is a compound sentence and should have a comma.

Undergraduate / "mixed-Asian ethnicity...career goal with afterschool enrichment programs" UC #1 [4]


I agree!

Here is a place you can improve efficiency:
I have been v Volunteering with various programs, even before high school, and I have found that helping others is the one thing that can always bring me joy, no matter what life has thrown at me. Programs that are centered around children have been the most gratifying, including the year that I spent at the Oakland Ice Center (no comma necessary here) teaching disabled children the basics of...

Through my volunteering experiences, I have gained a much needed sense of self-worth, and a desire to live life so that I can be a part of something that will positively impact lives. You repeated "volunteering experiences," and the idea of positively impacting lives. I think it wqould be better to scratch this sentence and start the essay with this next one:

I have gained a wonderful social circle within the Oakland community, due to my interest in non-profit work, which has helped to build my contacts for the future, and also helped to enrich my immediate life with positive interpersonal relationships with people that nurture my new goals. and I do not regard my dark past as more than a learning experience needed to become the happy, motivated and proud person I am today.

:-)

Undergraduate / "The best education" + "As we Americans" - UC ESSAY PROMPTS 1 & 2 - PHILOSOPHY MAJOR [3]


haha, thanks for your cool attitude about it, sorry. I fixed the spelling. Thread titles have to have key words associated with the topic. :-)

...unknowingly shape my views and my world. --wait a minute... the moments unknowlingly shape you? Um... if you are going to personify moments, you should precede this sentence with a sentence .. maybe a short one.. that in a clever way personifies "moments." That way, they can unknowingly do something.

Efficiency:
It was there that I met a man not much older than myself. His name was Mongo, who climbed that volcano

I like this essay a lot and don't know if I should suggest changes, because it is so inspired already... but here at the end, you can be more specific: I refuse to be content with simply the society I live in today as I have a greater desire to keep learning and enhancing my intellectual experiences I argue that you should not be vague here, because it is an opportunity to give the reader a glimpse of your future.

with other cultures and societies all around the world.---it's more powerful with fewer words.

:-)

Undergraduate / "when I think of the Low Memorial Library.." - columbia supplement [2]

This is great... it drew my attention with that first line. Some might not agree, but I found something entrancing about that first line.

If there is a place to change, it is here:
Appeal begins at the surface, and for me, I found Columbia appealing to that very sense. I hope you KEEP the beginning of the sentence as it is, but the end of the sentence has to indicate some specific thing that is NOT on the surface. Give the reader's mind a magic WORD to swallow at the end of this sentence. A word pertaining to that deeper appeal.

:-)

That is my only idea, and it is not a necessary idea, either! The essay is great.

Undergraduate / timid new world - my first year in america [5]

Great discourse here! Ohrio, I think you made your smiley backwards. You put the smile on the left. Isn't it supposed to be like this? :) with the smile on the right? That is the standard smiley.


This is really nice of Duminda to say...

Oh... as I read the essay, I see what Duminda means. Yes, this is very good! Isn't it interesting that the most powerful effect on the reader happens right here: and even tripped me.

Does anyone agree that those words make the reader suddenly feel something while reading?

I like it... strong writing.

Undergraduate / "no prominent male figure in my life" UC application - my family, community, world [3]

Of course, such an emphasis on fantasy in not to be taken without a grain of salt. ----- wow, very cool. I have to admit, you made me think of this common expression in a new way. Take it with a grain of salt. What the heck does that even mean!! I will google it later. I never wondered about that expression. It must involve some superstition.

I am, in short, a young man who has lived in a sub perfect environment and learned to deal with hardship as it may come. ---wow, wll you also have become a hell of a writer. I recommend Victor Frankl's "Man's Search for Meaning" for your mom, so she can find comfort in your profound depth of thinking and writing, which probably is owed at least in part to her struggle and influence and also your own struggle over the years... just like Nikolai Berdyaev, you became deep through struggle.

videogame design---I always worry when kids want to go into gaming design. Is it really the kind of thing you want to do every day? Some jobs are very different from the CONCEPTS that make people want to do them. For example, some kids love animals so they want to be a vet, but then they have to put animals to sleep and see them suffer al the time... so ... be careful to distinguish between what you want to BE and what you want to DO EVERY DAY. If you are into game design, maybe you are also going to find time for other kinds of digital design (i have no prejudice against games... they combine music, story, visual art, everything, a very high form of art. But get specific about what you want to DO every day for your work. Be careful not to make a screwy decision.

I believe that through a career as a videogame developer I will find an outlet for the -------yes, it is really a great kind of art. Gaming is serious stuff, a very cool, very modern art form. But I wonder if you can expand this concept so that instead of focusing on gaming, which could have the reader feel like it is not so serious, couldn't you easily make it about the specific skills that go into it? The same skills that make you able to design games can make you able to do a lot of other stuff, so I think you could call it something different.

creativity which presses at the limits of my mind and create a perfect product in which I may combine scientific, anthropological, and literary knowledge into the fulfillment of my life.--You really did a great job with some of these sentences.

Thank you for taking the time to get to know more about me. ---some people would advise against this, but I think it is a nice touch and will score you a point.

This has to go, though, because after the previous sentence it is too preachy, just like me:
Enjoy your day and remember to be happy.

:-) That is what I think!! I am glad you are participating at EssayForum!

Undergraduate / Tradition is scary; mindless followers - UT ESSAY PROMPT #2 [3]

Hi, I'm sorry you did not get any extremely picky feedback yet. :-) Here I go.

Oh.. I see Sreeeja gave some thoughtful ideas...

Hey, I am not glancing up at the title.. I saw it yesterday but did not get to it. I was looking forward to reading this, because I like that title a lot... tradition = scary :-)

Tradition is a belief that defines cultures; it signifies the importance of heritage and passes down a rich foundation of prior practices among prospective generations. --I crossed out a word that is not quite right.

Here is an idea... this came out good, but now you have to go back and cut the boring first sentence. It is okay that you have a boring, obvious first sentence, because you have to start writing in whatever way you can, but go back later on and kill it.

Tradition is a belief that defines cultures; it signifies the importance of heritage and passes down a rich foundation of prior practices among prospective generations. It standardizes the way a culture behaves and interacts, and can branch off into...

Please know that I do not intend any offense, and your writing is great. Even that sentence I killed is great. But a great sentence (i.e. well structures) still needs to be killed if it is a statement fo the obvious.

By all means, tradition is no menace. I for one, enjoy getting presents for Christmas and will be draped in black to show the utmost respect for those who've passed.---good point. Actually, these are traditions that serve as communication. Giving a gift or wearing black... these communicate something to others. So... I agree, this is necessary!

the people solely execute their actions based on what other people have told them. ---beautiful! End the paragraph here. When you make a good point, do a paragraph break.

This is very good writing. I only wish it has more paragraphs and ideas, because your writing style is really nice. Try googling the word heuristics and see if you can give a discussion of tradition as something comparable to heuristics. That should be interesting. You have a great vocabulary (and sing-song, rhythmic use of it.)

Undergraduate / "Hurricane Ike struck" - Common app Evaluate a significant experience [2]

Use a hyphen:
life-altering

Use a comma for a compound sentence: New memories were created , and old memories were left behind

Good phrase here!----> ...and the semblance of normality was obliterated.

... for myself in a stairwell for close to three days without any knowledge of the outside world.

Another part I like a lot: If the storm was a trial of patience, the aftermath was a test of versatility.

Should this be capitalized? I think Ramen Noodles is a proper noun... ramen noodles

... but a story best preserved for another time.---Wow, you are a natural writer, I think. I am impressed! Please check out essayforum.com/ef-contributor-page/.