Undergraduate / "She's from Burundi, Africa" - on someone who has made an impact [4]

She's been through a lot, and without having known her I wouldn't know nearly as much.---I made some small changes and moved a comma.

Thanks to her, I'm a more ambitious, thoughtful person, and I'm so thankful to have met her. She is the closest friend I've ever had and I hope we continue to be, for years to come. I added a comma and crossed out a sentence that was redundant.

Now ask yourself what message you want to leave with the reader. You can add another line or two, so how will you use that opportunity? I think you can finish by talking a little about the future. What aspects of your future might be different because of what you learned from your friend?

:-)

Undergraduate / "My dad and Attention Deficit Disorder" - Influential person in my life [4]

Applications that taught me math skills, how to type, read and write. ---By removing the word "that," I changed this into a complete sentence.

Sometimes, I just had a good time playing games.

The one thing I always remembered is remember him always saying was th at computers were changing the world and that one day (no comma necessary here) I could also work with computers to make changes of my own.

The great thing about this essay is that is simultaneously demonstrates excellent writing and strong focus on a chosen field of study. That is very impressive! Also, I bet you only had ADD when they were teaching you about things that were not interesting... you write very well!

Undergraduate / "Genetics through music make an impact in this world" - where I come from [3]


By ending the first paragraph this way you might make the reader think you are recycling an essay about a person who significantly influenced you. If you add a sentence to the end of this paragraph you can establish the theme of the paper as the INFLUENCE rather than the person. Can you capture the meaning of the influence in a single sentence at the end of that first paragraph?

doesn't always come by easily. ---I think you mean to say that it is not always "easy to come by." That is the common way to use this figure of speech...

By furthering my education----You should be more specific and describe a plan. Do you want to work with sufferers of specific diseases? Do you want to learn a specific kind of therapy? You should list a few possible career paths and describe some goals that you can achieve in order to ensure you choose a good path and have opportunities. Get specific about what you intend to do.

:-)

Undergraduate / "Angry Serbian Women"- Common Application Essay [4]

This essay is based on a great idea... great theme. The anecdote about trouble with the teacher and daydreaming seems to need a little more development. It is interesting and cool, but what is the point you are trying to make? I think 1 sentence should be added to both the intro and the conclusion paragraphs... add a sentence somewhere in each of those paragraphs to help express the theme of the essay.

...but also resulted in having to speak in front of a classroom in which I felt utterly alien?


It's time to return the favor! :-) 2 weeks have passed!

I think you write very well, and you can help a lot of people at EssayForum.

Undergraduate / "The Game of Tennis which is my second home" - UC Prompt #1 [4]


This sentence at the end is a repetition of an idea you gave a few times already.. this same idea about it teaching you to work hard and persevere. I think the essay needs a few more subjects added to it.

The world you come from consists of more than tennis, and furthermore the world you come from is only half the essay. The other half of the essay is your "dreams and aspirations." SO.... I think this essay should include more of a look toward your future and less repetition of that simple idea about perseverance... I bet you gained a lot of insights from tennis and other aspects of your world that influenced your aspirations.

:-)

Undergraduate / "0-6 pharmacy program" - MCPHS Supplement- Why Pharmacy [4]

I think you should combine the first 2 paragraphs but then cut some words out of each to make the single, merged paragraph a little shorter:

...discovered what I wanted to do: pursue a career in pharmacy. I want to help provide relief for people like those I saw at the hospital. I want to prolong lives of cancer patients like my grandpa. I want to help prevent suffering of the ill, injured, and disabled. Pharmacy will allow me to do that. Although patients may have different health problems, at some point, they will all need medications. (and here at the end of the para I want to challenge you to give a better explanation. The fact that they will need medicine is not what makes your role as a pharmacist significant. Your work will be significant if you do an extraordinary job, better than other pharmacists, and make it so that individuals' experiences will be better because of having interacted with someone as inspired as you.)

:-)

Undergraduate / Issue of Importance - Volunteering with a 5th grader named Cedric [3]

This essay would be better without the first paragraph. That first para does not serve a good purpose as it reveals your original lack of enthusiasm. It actually is not useful to tell the reader about the lack of enthusiasm.

but all the necessary info is included in that second para. It is great! Without the burden of the first para, that second para draws the reader into the story with great finesse.

By cutting the first para, you have room to expound a little about your ...um... actually, I am now noticing that you did not cover an "issue" properly. You should cut the first para to make room for another para at the end, and at the end make it so that Cedric represents an important ISSUE, such as "learning disabilities and equal educational opportunity."

:-)

Undergraduate / "Guru in a Surfer's Body": Brown Admissions Essay [4]

Your essay only includes one or two sentences that are invested in discussion of that advice. I think your great writing skill is going to go to waste with this essay if you are competing against essayists who expounded their advice, while you mostly focused on being attracted to a boy. This is a great narrative, and I think you are going to have a lot of success because of your great communication skill, but in this essay I think you sold yourself short because of focusing so much on beards and surfers instead of the theme of the essay.

For you, I recommend the book by Tolle called The Power of Now (your new favorite book!) :-)

Essays / "Education beyond academics: What I learned outside the classroom" [7]

The essay has to have a message. It is true that it should not rehash your resume, but it will probably include insights associated with experiences reflected in the resume.

The important thing is to make sure the essay is purposeful, meaningful. It has to have a message to the reader, and the content of the essay is supposed to support that message. So establish a purpose other than listing your impressive activities. For inspiration about the powerful message you can send with an essay, check out Civil Disobedience by Thoreau, which you can find online. It is not anything like a college essay; it is purposeful... something written because an important statement needed to be made.

:-)

I hope that helps you get started!

Research Papers / Death penalty Research Paper - to make it informative or argumentative? [3]

Ryan, that is an impressive answer! We are lucky to have you participating here...

Latesha, I know some great articles for you:

Is capital punishment morally required? Acts, omissions, and life-life tradeoffs.
Stanford Law Review; December 1, 2005; Sunstein, Cass R. Vermeule, Adrian

Steiker, Carol S., No, Capital Punishment is Not Morally Required: Deterrence, Deontology, and the Death Penalty. Stanford Law Review, Forthcoming; Harvard Public Law Working Paper No. 125.

If you read these two articles, starting with Sunstein and Vermeule, you will be ready to write a great paper!!!! :-)

Graduate / What is my motivation to apply for the EuroPubHealth Master course? (Swedish citizen) [5]

It will help me acquire the experience to effectively and collaboratively implement more important programs like the one with which I am currently involved. I am currently working for.

This essay is so impressive... I tried to find a way to help you cut 50 words, but every paragraph is meaningful and well-written.

The only part that does not seem to fit with the theme is the introduction. The intro is negative, and it seems a little contrived to say no one asked if you did your homework, etc... almost like you are shirking responsibility. But I do not think the reader will actually take it that way. Still, ask yourself what the main theme of the essay is and if that intro paragraph expresses it well. Maybe that intro para can be improved.

:-)

Undergraduate / "father's strict religious rules" - My dad's impact on me [6]


Ha ha, this is a cute sentence. You are a good writer.

The next morning, I woke up before my dad, bathed, and started the ritualistic household prayer. My father woke up to the smell of burning incense and my voice chanting the prayers he taught me as a child. ---Here is another excellent sentence. Put the word "had" before "taught", though.

I'll take out a comma and change a word:
...during on my trip to India his devotion to religion captivated and transformed me.
(You don't need the comma. Think of it this way: His devotion captivated me during the trip OR During the trip his devotion captivated... --no need for a comma.

I like this essay! I hope your father gets to read it soon.

Essays / 550 words explaining my career/academic/vocational goals (no idea where to start) [3]

If you don't know where to start an essay about your goals, it means you don't have clearly established goals. This could be a very important milestone for you, because it is going to force you to establish some goals.

You can have TENTATIVE goals. You can choose MORE THAN ONE career. If you read some articles about what is going on in the world with regard to what is important to you, maybe you can think of a specific difference you want to make in this world during the next 10 years.

:-) Get started! The essay is more important than the scholarship.

Graduate / Computer Science and Math, reason for choosing this master track, goals - Munich [4]

These two selections of writing are great, very interesting and meaningful. I like that first line about education preparing us to do new things instead of repeating the actions of previous generations. You successfully capture the reader's attention.

Hey, I like this part, too, and I think it would be good with a colon:
... and workplace tasks, I have learned one important thing: Only through diligent ...

Writing Feedback / What government can do to conserve energy resources? [5]

"Reckon" is not a common word in the region where I live (New England), but maybe it is used in other places. I just wanted to let you know. You could use the word "notice" instead if you wanted to.

Your paragraphs have only 1 or 2 sentences. I think you should google this: how to write a paragraph topic sentence.

Start with a topic sentence, and then make the whole paragraph all about the idea expressed in the topic sentence. It is okay to give a topic sentence like this: Many efforts other than raising prices of gasoline and electricity can be made to conserve energy. (Add more sentences to the paragraph to tell what those other efforts are.)

One paragraph = one idea.
One essay = One big idea made up of smaller ideas in paragraphs.

All of this can be one paragraph:
There are at lease least, in my opinion, two measures that can be taken by government. One is to enhance media coverage. Make recurring ... for energy conservation, available at these web-sites.

All of this can be one paragraph:
Ultimately, government can form partnerships with industries and nongovernmental organizations to enhance the effectiveness of measures for energy .... helpful to upgrade new houses to improve the energy performing. Third is to work with organizations that are opening up energy saving show homes to visitors.

In summary, Increase the price of ...

Undergraduate / "making a website about universities for Vietnamese" - Personal- Computer science [3]

Yes, change that word in the first line to "asked."

Also, watch out for mistakes pertaining to the verb tense: Despite the fact that we are were excited to do this project, we did not have...

Additionally, knowledge about how to be a good leader is ...

Being awareness aware of this, I encouraged and re-allocated them to do other parts of project which is were suitable for ...

This summer when we constructed this website is the was the most beneficial time that I have had.

Now, our website has been being under-constructed is still under construction. It was stopped by some factors associated with our college applications. However, we strongly believe that we will finish this project next summer.

Undergraduate / "My Life Struggle, polarized between the two worlds" - UC Prompt 1 [4]

I think I see what William means. You need to say thirty, not thirdly.

At first, I felt terrified sitting with thirdly other students I did not know, but later I discovered they also wanted to make new friends just like I was did.

Hey, there is nothing wrong with your sentence structure! You write very well. I just think you should mention nature vs. nurture again at the end, because that is the theme you seem to be using in the essay., Say something insightful at the end about this concept. And keep in mind the MESSAGE or IDEA you want to leave the reader with at the end. For example, what do your experiences (nurture) do to affect your dreams and aspirations pertaining to politics?

:-)

Undergraduate / "Scientists investigate, engineers create" - improvisations in the end and beginning [4]

This quote has always inspired me to think big and outside the box. ---I like it more this way.

2 L's: And to fulfill my ...

Use a pair of commas in this situation:
And as my idol, Michael Collins, said, "Exploration is ...

You have a great theme. I suggest using the word expansion somewhere in the first paragraph so that the reader will recognize it as a theme when you use it at the end.

Undergraduate / "Happy 7th/15th/17th Birthday!" - my family, school, UCPrompt1 [4]

Oh! Terrible. The ending is so sad. This is an example of very, very good writing, and it is so good that it really made me share in your experience. I hope one day your own child gets to read this essay as an explanation for why you always shower her or him with expressions of love.

Even though your parents may have been inexpressive, they must have done something very well because you learned to be so thoughtful and reflective.

:-)

I don't have any suggestion to improve the essay, because it is already interesting, efficient, and clear. However, the meaning of this paragraph is unclear, and it would be good to add a detail or two so that the reader knows what that liquid is that you are talking about, and how you felt:

Cassie, my friend, gasped and stared in shock.... into the limo along with everyone else. Off to dinner!

Undergraduate / Why Rice "because there are so many on my side" [4]

I think "The" would be alright here:
The clock ticked.

You could even use plural:
Clocks ticked.

Many of the faculties faculty members are superstars, but they can pass ...

I want to research on the remarkable properties of nano particles and fullerene nanotubes ... also want to manipulate the wet/ dry surface of nanomaterials to create soluble nanomaterials.----give another sentence or two at the end of this paragraph to tell about the result you can achieve in this area of research. What can you accomplish?

That conclusion is very brief and superficial. I think you should use it as an opportunity to give the reader a glimpse of the future you envision. What problems might you help to solve through your work?

:-)

Undergraduate / "The transition from middle school to high school" - quality, talent, experience [4]

In this first sentence, I think you should not end with a preposition:
The transition from middle school to high school was a change for which I was not
ready. for .

...and I was forced to leave all of the friends I had made over the past previous eight 8 years.

This is a good place for a colon:
By the end of the season, I had a choice to make: accept my short run in high school athletics or continue on for next years season.

... gained about 20 twenty pounds of muscle.

It is a good idea to add a sentence to the end of the first paragraph to express the main message of the essay. That way, the reader will be appreciating the message throughout the rest of the essay.

:-)

Undergraduate / "My parent's business and me; new lifestyle" - UC Prompt 1 [3]

What a great writing style you have! I had an idea for this first sentence:

...as it slithered upward to pester my younger...

Use a hyphen: As a fourteen year-old

... and I was the oldest among my siblings, in the family, I became the negotiator, trying to seal the most profitable deal for them.

Awesome, I am so impressed by you! I hope you check out tengoldenrules.com and learn all about automatic products, search engine optimization, and how to drive traffic to your site. Go to paypal and get yourself an account. Go to godaddy.com and get your parents a domain name. Start a blog. I think your skills are a great foundation for the future, as long as you become an expert in Internet marketing. :-)

Undergraduate / "Steadfastness and my resolute nature" - my quality, talent [4]


I'm sorry I did not get to talk about your essay before you submitted it, but I think it is very good! The only thing I want to mention is that this last sentence of the first paragraph I think an adjustment should be made. The last sentence, about "ideals and commitments," introduces a new idea. The rest of the paragraph is about being cautious and meticulous, so I think that should remain the theme. If you introduce a new theme at the end of the first paragraph, it muddles your meaning.

Yet, the essay is great. I just wanted you to look again at the end of that first paragraph, and google around about how to write a powerful thesis statement.

:-)

Undergraduate / "A smile is the best approach to a frown" - UC Prompt #2 [3]

They came in all shapes and sizes and looked like they were coming straight out of Dr. Seuss's office.---Ha ha, I enjoyed this because I never thought of Dr. Seuss having a Doctor's office. Yet, this sentence, though cool, makes you seem judgmental.

Maybe it was the way I stared, but for some reason I attracted all the resentful people who asked me questions I didn't have the answer to. I hated the place.----wow, I am really enjoying your writing style.

Use a comma when you have dialogue: comments, no, "What do they even pay you for?"

I plan on taking this talent with me throughout life, eventually entering the medical field where I can combine it with my passion for biology.------I wish you would give a few more sentences to tell all about the articles you have been reading pertaining to the kinds of medicine that interest you. What are you good at doing, and what is most appealing to you? Make a specific plan.

:-)

Undergraduate / "Very unusual and Japanese parents" - success- UC prompt 1 [2]

When you have a plural word and want to show possession, put the apostrophe after the s:
My parents' way of teaching are quite different when compared to other parents' ways, but one thing is for sure: My parents' knowledge and...

Although Yet, I quickly realized that they were totally right. My parents were honest with me. They told me what worked and what I needed to work on, allowing me to learn and grow as an artist, student and person.

Even though you were able to cope with your parents' harsh criticism, that does not mean all kids are. You might not be able to use this method with your own kids. Your parents probably were tough on you because they knew you were able to handle it, but if you were more sensitive maybe it would have been inappropriate. I think they must have been successful, because you are very impressive!

This reminds me of a story about a Hitchcock film that all his colleagues praised. The only critic was his wife, who said, "You are not going to send it out like that, are you?" She pointed out that one of the people in the film was obviously breathing, even though he was supposed to be dead. She was always Hitchcock's toughest critic.

Undergraduate / "Being the youngest presented many choices" - UC prompt #1 [3]

Let's make it more efficient here:
The result of this huge age difference has led to many outcomes. It has forced me to mature more quickly than ...

I like this sentence, a lot, but I will add a comma to it:
I felt as if I was not gaining autonomy, and I responded to them by saying, "I know!" because I did not want to become dependent upon their constant reminders.

My supportive family members always gave me advice through their own experience to guide me towards success. ---I think you mean to say "advice based on their own experience"

Due to their caring guidance, I return learned to share their love to the community.

Over time, I learned ... 2 words. As a single word, overtime refers to hours worked in addition to scheduled hours.

to absorb family values while stitching my unique patches onto the quilt. ----great theme!

Undergraduate / "Successful men" - Unique characteristics that allow me to contributr to UCF. [3]

That introduction is wicked cool. I am your biggest fan.

Here, you need to fix a typo: This allows me to preservere

I think you can say something more specific than ability to persevere." I think you can add a bit of detail to the focus of this essay so that the theme is "perseverance that comes from fearlessness." That will make your theme more interesting and memorable.

This sentence should mention something about fearlessness: I'll improve test scores, school rankings, and the atmosphere of your already great school.

Great job! Everyone will like you.

Undergraduate / UC Essay -- I am a runner, track and cross-country [4]

I wake up early morning to run about seven to eight miles. With the exception of summer During most seasons, it's still dark outside at 5:00, and possibly even cold.

After each run, I feel empowered with an ability to accomplish anything. ----great description here.

Perhaps it has something to do with the rush of endorphins afterwards, but I mostly attribute it to the fact that I run. <Transition needed> Distance running is a difficult activity, not only because it's difficult to get up in the mornings and start running, but also because it's difficult to continue. Each step comes with strain in the legs, torso and chest, and even with pain, thus each step is also a tempting point for the runner to stop.----here, I took care of the transition by chopping that sentence right out. Now it needs no transition. Instead, add another sentence at the end of the paragraph to complete the point about how it makes you feel able to do anything.

I like the theme in this essay! Running really does prove something excellent about you, because everyone knows running is powerful meditation.

Use a comma for the compound sentence: I don't want to stop running, because I want to reach my full potential.

I run, therefore, I can.---This ending is a little cheesy. I think it would be more useful to conclude by speculating about what your experience as a runner will do to contribute to your work in a professional field that interests you. Conclude with a look to the future.

:-)

Undergraduate / "the new curriculum" - Brown Prompt - Why Brown [4]

...however, a visit to Brown changed everything. That University was Brown. This may sound cheesy but, from the moment I walked onto the Brown campus I knew that there was no other school for me. The first unique feature that attracted me to Brown was the new curriculum. The Brown curriculum forces me to take ...

I chopped a lot of this intro, because it was unnecessary. I just wanted to have you consider doing it with fewer words, because it will be so much more efficient, and you can even add some good sentences if you save space here.

And here at the end I will fix the run on sentence:
Finally, what I love most about Brown is that I would not be an assortment of grades, credits, or numbers. I would be Kelsey Mullane.

:-)

Undergraduate / Additional info essay - Tourette's Syndrome [2]


"Thing" is always a weak word because it is so ambiguous. This whole sentence is unnecessary, I think.

I don't see much information about how you learned to control it. That is the info that I think will help a lot of people who visit this thread, and they will also impress the reader. I think if you describe what you have to do mentally to control the tics, it will be the most impressive essay ever.

Also, it is great that you talk about it in this thread, because younger people with tics who read this will see that you are an excellent writer, and it will inspire them. I am a good writer, too, and I have "chronic tic syndrome." It is like Tourettes, but without vocalization. Same thing, though. And theway to control it has to do with a focus that is a lot like what is taught in Zen meditation. Also, if you google "embryonic breathing" you can learn a technique that helped me a lot.

I think if you added more about your introspective process for controlling the tics, this is going to be even better.

Undergraduate / "How my /Spic/Wetback/The Mexican/The Cuban culture has influenced me" Common App [4]

Perfect! I like your discussion of how memory fades drastically when you get through middle school I enjoyed this essay, and I think the AO reader will enjoy it too.

My suggestion is to add some more sentences to share your insights about the pride you mention at the end. I think the essay is written beautifully, and the abrupt ending is something I enjoyed, but really it seems like it would be complete if you gave at least 2 sentences of explanation after you explain about the pride that made you stop caring what racists think. Just add a few sentences at the end, and share your wisdom! Make them the best sentences of the essay.

Undergraduate / "Church and Family"-UC prompt 1, "Being Observant"-UC prompt 2 [3]

I agree with Faisal about this part: Looking back on my life, I realize that several people have shaped and molded me into the person I am today. ---It is a wasted sentence, because all it does is make a simple statement that anyone could say. So... do not waste any sentences, because the reader is looking to have an experience.

Howeve My community and family were the main contributors to my life, whom shaped my dreams and aspirations for the future. If it wasn't for them, my vision of becoming a determined worker and to contribute to progress and sustainability as an engineer. would have never surfaced into being.

Above, I trimmed the sentence down to a size that makes it powerful. If you convey a meaningful idea in a single, good sentence, it is good writing. But if it takes a whole paragraph to make that statement, it is inefficient writing, difficult to read.

My community and family shaped my aspiration to contribute to progress and sustainability as an engineer. (now add a few sentences to explain your theme clearly for the reader. Explain the message you want the reader to remember.)

The story you tell is excellent. I think you should use more paragraphs, though, for the sake of good organization.

This is a statement of the obvious, but it can be fixed easily:
Whenever you look, there is information that can be observed from any place or situation.

Whenever you look, t There is useful information that most people overlook in any place or situation. Many people will barely take a first glance at their surroundings, only to look at what is directly in front of them. ----hahah, I am one of those people. I walk right past my own apartment sometimes when I am on my way home...

...become a successful university student in order to reach my goals.-----I like your way of telling stories and expressing your interests. These essays are great. When someone writes well and expresses a good idea, I often recommend including some citations of books or articles that pertain to your essay's theme. Publications can be good examples to help make your point, and it also shows the reader that you are intelligent enough to read articles about what interests you.

And you should specify a little more about exactly what you want to do, because that will make you more impressive, and I think you deserve to have everyone impressed with you because you are so thoughtful and reflective. I bet you are going to do very well!

Undergraduate / Green Squash - Common App Extracurricular [2]

"an individual" should be replaced with a different noun.

Other than that, I can't find room for improvement. This is obviously an inspired work of writing, and you write very well.

Here is one idea: solidified ...-----> and awakened
solidified my resolution to pursue medicine and awakened my interest in XXXX as a possible area of specialization. ----this will add detail to the impression you make on the reader. What specializations might you choose?

:-)

Undergraduate / "Interest in caring for animals" - my school, family, community [4]


The actual text is not the resource you need to preserve. The IDEAS in the essay are the resources.

One Essay = One big idea

This essay is all about the idea of your excellent preparation for success. It does show evidence to support the notion that you have learned important skills, but it does not say much about your specific intentions. So, I think you should come up with a few career goals. You do not have to choose a career right now, but I think you can choose a few career that will be your most likely choices. If you talk a little about your goals and career possibilities, that will add a new dimension to the essay and enable you to divide it into 2 essays that each attend specifically to the prompt they are supposed to answer.

:-)

Undergraduate / "Opportunitistic Experiences"- UC Undergrad Essay 1 [3]

I don't like this part:
receive a well-represented job and become financially independent from debt----it is too general to really mean anything, and it expresses a passive attitude (i.e. to be"given" something instead of to "earn" something).

In return, I desire to follow my school's motto, "men with and for others," and contribute back to society.----I corrected the school motto so that it does not exclude women. Even if the school is all-boys, the "others" are people of both genders.

As one of my most enjoyed interests, golf is a big portion of my life. It allowed me to prepare life-values, like integrity and perseverance, for my everyday usage. If you want to say a sport taught you about integrity and perseverance, you need to back that up somehow.

I think the examples you gave do not require as much description as you gave them. It is important to tell not only about the significance of the activities but also about how they shaped your aspirations. You do not tell much about your specific aspirations. If you want to "ensure a better lifestyle" you have to have a plan. So, adding some specific goals can help you improve this, I think.

:-)

Undergraduate / "My journey from high school to college of business" - UC Prompt [4]

I believe I have the necessary skills and potentials to pursue it as my major. Wasted sentence. You can always accomplish more by giving an example rather than by making a claim. This claim is too obvious, anyway, because the reader knows you think you have the necessary skills; otherwise, you would not be applying.

I have dreamed about myself working in an office and interact with other business members in a conference room since I was little----this makes it seem like your purpose for going into business is based on a childhood idea... not a serious idea.

. Considering from what I was saying, my main goal is to be one of the top business people in the entire world. I will work extremely hard to help myself reach that goal. talk is cheap!

Now I read the rest of the essay, and it is very good! I just don't like the introduction. I think the part about the internship is excellent. But I think you should google this: how to write paragraph topic sentences

Your paragraphs need topic sentences... :-)

Undergraduate / "Volunteering at the 4-H Fair" - Extracurricular activities brief [7]


Yes! In fact, I think you should make that the focus of the essay.

As the essay is now, it just shows that you were able to work at a sausage stand, which is not particularly impressive.

However, you DID demonstrate that you are an excellent writer. This is high quality writing, for sure. But I do not agree with the theme you chose. If you want to write about the sausage selling, you have to make it meaningful in some way. Did it give you some new insight into your own personality or values?

Make it so that this essay is about something more than just working at a sausage stand. The dialogue at the beginning and end do not help in any way. It is better to use your GREAT writing skill to express a meaningful theme.

Undergraduate / "to major in International Studies" - UC (transfer) [3]

I would like to study abroad in a Spanish-speaking country and...

I believe that I am able to success succeed in global society.

Your intro and conclusion paragraphs are very brief.
At the end of each, you should add a sentence to express the theme of the essay powerfully.

...therefore, I entered the private Christian secondary school which valued students acquiring international way of thinking. (Add a sentence that tells the reader that you have made your decisions with the intention to succeed as an international relations expert.)

In the conclusion paragraph, I think you can refine your focus by saying something more specific about what you would like to do during your career. Unless you specify, international studies is a broad, broad, subject. Narrow the focus of the essay.

BTW, this is very impressive. It is impressive that you can show evidence that you have been preparing all your life for international studies.

Undergraduate / "I wish I could go back" UC prompt #2 [3]

You wrote this beautifully. The topic is rather common, but you told the story very well.

For example, coming out of your shell is a common topic. But the storytelling skill you demonstrated is great. I think you can do even better if you strategically incorporate some mention of your future. The "person you are" as the result of your experience is someone applying to this college because that is a step in your action plan for the future. Write a little more about the "person you are" and how this empowering experience you are describing gives you insight and helps you set goals for the next 2 years or 4 years.

Essays / Help writing an argument thesis statement / essay on reality tv! [7]

Hi Daisy,

Start by reading an article someone wrote about reality TV. Then, write a sentence about it. Then, give an example to show what you mean. Then, add another sentence or two, so that it is a paragraph.

That is the way to start. Do that for at least 2 articles, and if you post what you write here we will help!

:-)