Writing Feedback / WRITING TASK 2 : Shopping malls too much - Agree/Disagree [2]


Going shopping and spending their free time at the shopping mall are 2 different activities. The writer was confused by the phrase


This could mean any activity ranging from shopping, going to the game center, watching a movie, and a host of other activities. It does not automatically translate as "going shopping". While that is the common thought that comes to mind when one hears of a shopping mall, the reference should have been more in general reference as in the original. For example: "spend most of their free time doing activities at the mall." This would be more aligned with the original statement of spending free time at the mall. The writer has thus, misrepresented the original thought and its subject reference.


The writer provided a clear statement, but did not provide any topical reference to support his claim. The supporting topic subjects mentioned at the end would have provided a clear thesis statement in support of his opinion. Doing so would have concretely established his opinion as needed for the strength of this paragraph restatement.


Again, the discussion reference focuses only on shopping as the discussion point. The activities that the mall goers spend on are varied and expansive. The writer must not focus only on shopping because th

at is only one of many activities. Rather than a focused discussion, this should be a general discussion covering various mall activities instead. This is a weak argument due to the incorrect focus.

The second paragraph is more acceptable in the social sense. The problem with this presentation is the sudden change of discussion focus with the closing sentence being :


That is a totally unrelated reference point and should not be included in the discussion. It alters the discussion topic from the original.


Again, the focus is not on shopping but on spending time at the mall. The test taker has misunderstood the requirements of the discussion.

Writing Feedback / About Thomas alve Edison life and about his work and how it became famous and about Jefferson [2]

Kindly review the statement for capitalization errors. The writer has not provided capitalized words as required when presenting nouns in reference to the names of people and places in the presentation. These errors are very obvious from the very first sentence that was presented in the paragraph.

The paper is supposed to discuss the life of Thomas Alva Edison but fails to do so beyond his birthdate and place of birth. These do not comprise a reference to his life, only the location of his birth. The discussion of his life should show his development as a person and as a scientist by presenting pivotal points in his lifetime.

The paper is filled with spelling errors and punctiation errors. The writer is making errors that he should have been conscious of since these are the basic grammar lessons provided to ESL students. He has not made an effort to write properly nor informatively in this statement. This is a failing exercise.

By the way, there was supposed to be a discussion about Jefferson as well but there is no such information present in this piece. So the presentation will also fail due to incomplete information presentation.

Letters / MOTIVATION LETTER FOR SUSTAINABLE FOOD SYSTEM MASTER PROGRAMME AT SLU (SWEDEN) [2]


Disposable sentence. It does nothing to help the essay move forward. Since the prompt already indicates everything the adcom has to know in relation to the discussion content, there is no need to reintroduce yourself. You may go directly to the next sentence as the opening salvo. The rest of the paragraph is actually stronger and more impressive without the first sentence.


This is an empty reference. Rather indicate the most memorable experience in relation to your interest in the field. Tell the story of that motivation or event that created an unforgettable imprint that led to your career choice. Or, just do not use that empty reference. It may sound impressive but in truth, the adcom is only looking for information, not pointless introductions or references. You may want to remove all of these types of presentations in the total essay.


You may think so, but the committee may deem you otherwise. It is best not to make these claims in these presentations. Tooting your own horn does not always sit well with the members of the review committee.

Writing Feedback / task 2 Ielts:In many countries around the world, life expectancy is increasing. [2]

The prompt restatement + personal opinion paragraph cannot receive a passing score. The examiner will be highly confused by the word usage and grammar representation in this paragraph to the point where he will be confused and doubtful about what the writer is trying to say. This text is nowhere near the meaning, expectation, and presentation of the original statement. This failure will be enough to limit the passing ability of the rest of the essay. It has handicapped the writer's score as his essay has already failed the first aspect of the sectional scores. Nothing in the original prompt refers to overpopulation and "older is essential for younger generations" (whatever the writer thinks that confusing passage means). The writer has included subjects for consideration that are not supported by the original prompt presentation. The restatement + opinion presentation will get the lowest possible score ( failing / non passing) for that paragraph, thus pulling down the other scoring considerations.


The writer also failed to provide a third reasoning paragraph that explains his opinion regarding the topic. There is an under developed essay presented along with a severely off topic first paragraph. The writer has too many errors in the TA, GRA, LR, and C+C sections to receive even a baseline passing score.

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 2 - Discuss - Living in big cities [2]


While you can opt to repeat the writing instructions at the end of the paragraph, that will not get a score because it does not meet the requirements for the scoring elements in that paragraph. Remember, it is called the "topic restatement + personal opinion presentation". The other keyword being "personal opinion". Therefore, after presenting the 2 public opinion in a rephrased form, the 3rd or last sentence of this paragraph needs to be your clear personal opinion. Why? The task accuracy score for this paragraph is reliant on the correct restatement and the clarity of your personal opinion. Simply repeating the instructions for the discussion does not meet this specific paragraph requirement.


The task 2 essay does not allow the writer to present a response to the question in the last paragraph. This is because the last paragraph is used only to summarize the topic and reasoning paragraphs that were previously presented. The personal opinion must be fully developed as a stand alone paragraph, completely explained. The lack of a proper summary conclusion paragraph could very well result in an automatic failing score for the test taker.

An additional error is the approach to the public opinion presentations. Due to the lack of proper referencing that makes it clear that the public reasons are being considered, those 2 paragraphs come across as a part of the personal opinion of the writer. Creating a comparative discussion of the personal kind where a comparative discussion of the public kind is actually required. The format is:

Public opinion + explanation + personal opinion in consideration of the public reasons = Agreement / Disagreement

That discussion format will avoid the need to write 3 individual paragraphs as the writer will be presenting a personal opinion each time. It is a stronger form of personal opinion discussion as a personal opinion for each stance is provided.

Undergraduate / Columbia GS - Personal Essay - From off-the-grid to Computer Science [2]


Seeing as how most children, specially those who are underage, spend more time with their mothers, you may want to explain why you spent most of your time with your dad. By explaining the early relationship with your mother, the later reconcilation with her and the stronger influence she had on you later in your life will carry more sense when the non-trad relationship you have with her is considered. It is the relationship that you had with your mother that did not really come full circle in the essay because of the lack of early relationship developement and presentation.


Did you take the position that was offered to you? Why did you decide to take it / not take it? That was a cliffhanger ending you presented. The offer already inspired you to reconsider your skills without a college degree, talk a bit more about why the merger and acquisition eventually pushed you to go beyond the GED.


Why? How does this relate to your future plans? Perhaps you want to open an independent business focused on this field? How would the completion of this degree help you to finally become a traditional person? Or do you plan to remain non-trad all your life? In what way? How does the degree help you continue on this path?

Scholarship / Health workers - knowledge gained from your master studies to contribute to your home [3]

Since the discussion is all about knowledge learned and gained, which is theoretical in application, there should not be any reference to the network and an idea regarding a collaboration between yourself and Sweden. That aspect is physical or virtual in nature, which is a departure from the theoretical reference that the prompt contains. Simply removing the networking reference will help the statement response stay on track. You can revise the essay to connect the opening sentences with the later portion that starts off with:


From there, you will need to revise the overall statement to become a bit more concrete in terms of knowledge transference (from your training in Sweden to your counterparts in your home country) along with professional applications (in relation to decision making). The "Why?" and "How?" of your ideas need to be responded to in the statement within the character limitation.

Letters / My time in Sweden - Motivation Letter For SI scholarship [3]

Why are you giving the reviewer a lecture regarding what the scholarship focuses on? Who told you that you can do that? Why are you doing that? Do you want to get removed from consideration based on your opening sentence alone? That is exactly what will happen with that useless and brainless approach that you have taken to writing this response statement. It is not a motivation letter nor an essay. It is merely a statement.

Your long term goal does not describe how you plan to use the knowledge you will be gaining from the scholarship. Therefore, the committee will realize that you do not have an inkling of what the actual application of your study goals , in relation to the courses you will be taking will be once you complete your studies. You should focus only on developing the second paragraph content since that is what has a little semblance of applicability to the provided question.

Actually, I am stretching here only because there are certain aspects of the second paragraph that can apply to the discussion. Overall though, you have not really responded in an acceptable manner. You have not provided any useful information as it relates to the question being asked. Your lack of familiarity with the background and uses of the scholarship program proves to be highly evident and further weakens your consideration as a candidate for the scholarship application.

Writing Feedback / [IELTS TASK 1] The diagram shows how a wave-energy machine is designed and where it can be located [5]


This is a singular reference to an image. Yet, you describe 2 images in the summary, creating a an irregularity in the singular versus plural reference. Please note that you wrote:


Therefore, the numerical reference of your opening sentence should be in plural form (diagrams) or in numerical form (2 differing images). You cannot open with a singular reference and close with a plural reference.

That said, you did an acceptable job of referencing a trend for both images though.


Which diagram? This is precisely why you need to clearly identify the differences in image references and use these as a part of the anchor sentence of the reporting paragraph. This unclear reference will cause confusion for the reader who has to read further to get a clear idea of what you are speaking of. You could have said "In relation to the procedular diagram (image 1)" and offered true clarity to your image reference.

Letters / Scholarship Motivation Letter - Lund University, Sweden 2022 [2]


This is a waste of space in your motivational letter. Sure the words of Sherly Sandberg were inspirational to you, but it should not take up a whole paragraph in the presentation. A mere reference and a short interpretation of what she said, as it applies to your background should be sufficient. It should not be the basis of your total motivational letter. She is not the one applying for the scholarship. Using someone else's words to qualify yourself as a candidate is not very useful, specially when used to open the letter of motivation. Someone else's motivational speech should never be the total basis of your success or failure in life since you are 2 different persons. What the other says can never be totally applicable to you.


A cum laude graduate in college only means you are a hard working student who likes to study and recieves consistent grading marks every semester. it is not reflective of intelligence as say a Summa or Magna Cum Laude would reflect. Cum Laude graduates are a dime a dozen worldwide. It does not make you a unique student at all. Mention it, but do not give it more importance than it should have. Being a Cum Laude graduate does not make you special. It places you at the bottom rung of the college honors roll. It is the least considered college honor due to its commonality among undergraduates.

It does not carry the same impressive weight with the committee members as you think it would have. Specially since you failed to graduate with honors of any sort in the second course. Most of the applicants to this scholarship will also be claiming Cum Laude status. Stand out in some other way. Focus on the classes related to your chosen masters where you performed at the highest level possible during the semesters you attended. That might add more weight to the weak Cum Laude claim.

Writing Feedback / Gender gap in the numerous occupations in today's society [2]


This is the writer's personal opinion regarding the given topic. A clear disagreement with the given points. This is supposed to be the foundation of the 2 supporting reasons. The writer misunderstood the discussion format and used a comparative discussion where a single opinion defense was required. 2 reasons in support of the defense. The way the writer presented the reasoning paragraphs creates an uncertain rather than certain opinion, creating a large deduction of points due to lack of opinion clarity.

The clear writer's opinion is negated by the evidence and reasoning paragraphs/ presentations. Of the 2 paragraphs, only the 2nd weak paragraph supports the opinion. That will recieve a partial but non-passing score. The discussion error becomes even more evident as one that will lead to a failing score based on the improper concluding summary.

Graduate / Global negotiation, business - goal of study and study plan for Korean university application [2]

The lack of proper gramamr usage on the part of the writer tends to create a confusing thesis presentation. He is approaching the thesis presentation from the wrong aspect. He would be better off using a regular thesis proposal presentation for the goal of study since the divisions in the presentation will help the reader keep track of the topic and what he hopes to accomplish based on a specific methodology. This conversational presentation tends to blur his meaning and actually falls short of a clear and acceptable goal of study presentation.

The study plan should not confuse the regular courses with his reseach study aims. Since he is trying to explain the goals of his study plan, these must be focused directly on methodology of the research. His main lessons should come from the research that relates to his thesis statement since this is the line of learning that will be most useful to him in his occupation upon his return to Vietnam.

Through a correct goal of study and study pan presentation, the applicant will be able to show the urgency and usefulness of his study objectives in relation to his studies in Korea. He will clearly respond to the question "Why study in Korea?"

Writing Feedback / Council donations to book clubs, Number of book club members - Writing task1 [4]


The image identification is somewhat correct. it is somewhat correct because the image shows 2 types of graphs within. A continuous line graph and a dotted line graph. Each image type should have been identified to help differentiate between the information provided. It will also help properly divide the paragraphas in the reporting area.The reader will be able to create a proper mental picture of the measurements as provided in the original, should the original image not be provided to the reader.

As far as proper writing rules are concerned, the writer has a problem with his word capitalization. He tends to provide capitalized words where it is not necessary, thus reducing his GRA score due to an obvious inability to follow English writing rules. He uses capitalized words inconsistently in this essay.

The formatting of the paragraphs are also off. Perhaps the writer wrote this on a mobile device rather than a laptop or tablet. Having done created incorrect paragraph presentations which would result in a failing GRA mark and an overall failing score in the end.

Research Papers / Don't Throw That Away - Recycle It! - Draft Research Paper [2]


This is more of a sub topic title than a subject sentence in this case. Have you considered using sub-topics in your presentation for clarity and expanded discussion purposes? It appears that your essay can accomodate such a format change in relation to a better grade.


There needs to be a differentiation and procedural separation between commercial trash burning and backyard burning of trash. The latter of which I believe is not illegal due to certain state and national clean air laws. Incineration (commercial burning) has changed towards a more eco friendly method over the decades. You may want to look into it and refer to it in your research,.


This portion needs to be expanded with more information. What is it about the burning process that causes miscarriages? Why is it caused? How does trash burning directly affect pregnancy? The missing discussion weaknes the citation provided. Every citation must include an expanded explanation based on the writer's further research or opinion of the matter.


Again, subject discussion based on sub-topic title representation will help better divide the varying focus of your essay presentation. The land fill should be a seperately identified method since it is a totally different way of trash disposal.

The draft is acceptable and covers important aspects of the discussion. Format adjustments and additional / expanded explanations will help further build on reasons for the discussion and supporting elements of the presentation. Citations must never end a paragraph. It must instead lead into the next paragraph topic. Use transitions sentences where required.

Letters / Motivation Letter for Scholarship admission in Sweden - The environmental master's programs [2]


Why at this institute? How does the knowledge you will gain translate into a benefit for the institute? Will there be any form of knowledge sharing or transference during this time? How will the others at the institute benefit from your inclusion into the team? There is too much "me" and "I" in this section to show that there will be a long ranging effect of your studies upon your joining the institute. As a researcher, you should be open to knowledge sharing and actually promote it since not everyone you will be working with will be as lucky as you when it comes to international based education in the relevant field.


This is irrelevant to the current program you are applying to and the program applications. Start with the sentences that lead into the exchange within the alumni network instead. Skip the last sentence. Revise that total paragraph.

Writing Feedback / Essay about if information should be public freely or should remain confidential [2]

The instruction for this essay is "discuss both views and present your opinion". The writer is required to present an analytical opinion for each of the topic paragraphs. What is an analytical opinion? This is an opinion that considers the public supporting reasons for the opinion, based on his agreement or disagreement with the given subject. The writer must use a personal debate format that is similar to:

The public opinion that supports this opinion is mostly based on the freedom of people to be informed of any development with regards to science... An opinion that is based on the Freedom of Information Act. While there is a law that provides for open sharing of information, I disagree with this practice because....

Now, there are also people who disagree and say that these information are too valuable to be shared. They believe these must be protected because of a country's scientific, economic, and business interests. This is an opinion I agree with because...

Debate both sides of the issue as presented in the prompt. Why would some people support it? Why do you think it should be supported? Why would others not support it? Do you think it should not be supported? Why? These are the most basic questions that your response to this prompt should respond to. These are the standard guide questions you can use to draft your response. This is the only essay where you can agree or disagree in the 2 paragraphs. That is how you create the coherence and cohesiveness in the discussion, which is heavily considered in this type of discussion. Always expand on the personal opinion even if you have only 1 sentence to represent the public opinion. It is your insight into the discussion that is important. For the thesis statement, you should merely imply your opinion of both topics as you will be discussing both in the next paragraphs.

Writing Feedback / SOME COUTRIES ALLOW OLD PEOPLE TO WORK TO ANY AGE THAT THEY WANT (WRITING TASK 2) [2]

Scoring is provided as a part of our private review services. Contact us privately for details.


Wrong response format. Use the original keywords in your response. Is it an advantage or disadvantage?


What is the basis of the opinion? Present 2 reasoning subjects to support your
opinion statement to complete the paragraph content.


This paragraph is off topic as the discussion only relates to the workforce and workplace. It will not receive a score.


This response is what should have been presented in the first paragraph as it clearly shows the writer's opinion based on the given topic.

There are 2 relevant topic presentations in this paragraph that would have resulted in a high passing mark had these been fully developed in individual paragraphs. What a waste of scoring potential !


Another off- topic reference that will result in deductions. The lack of reverse paraphrase will cause a score markdown again.

Letters / Motivation Letter for Turkiye Burslari Scholarship - Food engineering [3]


The motivational letter should only represent a growing interest in the field. By indicating a lack of early interest, the reviewer just may decide that you are not a good candidate as your interests may change later on.


Reflect on these matched interests as an option for your motivation.


Open with this statement instead. Remember to build up an early motivation for food engineering first.


You can also get this social exposure in your home country. Do not use this as a reason. It makes you sound like an eager tourist instead of a student.


Do not lecture the reviewer.



Merge the 2 paragraphs to clearly represent a local problem you wish to solve through your studies.

Writing Feedback / Work and study online - benefits and drawbacks [2]


The writer has not formatted his response properly. The topics cannot be discussed selectively as the 2 are partnered presentation topics in the original prompt.

Concurring with a way of thought is also unacceptable because the discussion question relates to a viewpoint related to positive or negative developments for both groups in relation to technology access.

Creating an unrelated discussion response will result in topic response deductions for this essay.


The writer is off target in his discussion. The only basis for consideration is the cost of technology as it relates to work and study. The writer shows that he has not understood the discussion requirements. He has failed the test.

Use an outline before writing the draft and final response next time:
Topic: Work and study from home
Subjects : Students and adults
Discussion Focus: Cheap technology has made it easier to work and study from home
Discussion Point: Is it a positive or negative development?

Writing Feedback / Ielts task 2 Many people people find it hard to balance their work with other parts of their lives [2]


This creates a topic reference inaccuracy. Review the original topic reference point. It uses"people" while the writer refers to "nations". There is a misrepresentation of the topic subject.


A continued misrepresentation of the original topic basis. Deductions will continue to apply resulting in a low to failing TA score.


2 problems with this portion:
- Lack of established discussion topics based on the given questions (no thesis statements).
- Incorrect solution reference. Solutions are personal.The problem is not one that should be resolved by the government.

The approach to the topic restatement +personal opinion will prevent the essay from achieving high / passing marks.


This sentence lacks proper development in terms of idea presentation to make sense to an ENL. What is a " narrowed down human resource"?

The writer is over-discussing the topics tothe point of under-development. There are too many ideas but not enough valid explanations. The clear connection between topics in the paragraphs are blurred. There is not enough use of proper connecting words, phrases, or sentences.

Writing Feedback / The proportion between Australian males and females who did exercise regularly - IELTS 1 - Bar chart [3]



These 2 sections are not changed enough from the original. It still contains more of a semblance of the original wording, which will not help to increase the LR score. The writer must become more familiar with alternate word / synonym usage in order to improve his word usage score. The aim is to use as much different / alternate words as possible, without changing the original intent of the presentation.


Incorrect word usage. The writer should have used the word "frequently", which indicates a constant movement. Fluently refers to the smoothness or gracefulness of a movement. It appears that the exam taker is trying to use varied English words but his understanding of English word meaning is insufficient for him to use the correct wording for his intentions.

The writer has been using run-on sentences for the most part when the requirement for the paragraph presentation is that the writer present no less than 3, no more than 5 sentences per paragraph. Separate the ideas in every sentence. Avoid thought and meaning compression to increase the C+C scores.

At this point, the writer is not capable of achieving his target score yet. More work on word usage and sentence clarity are required.

Writing Feedback / MIX CHART: The bar chart show the numbers of men and women attending various evening courses in 2009 [2]


I can understand that the writer was aiming to create a complex sentence presentation by presenting 2 different images and their respective information in one sentence. That does not create a complex sentence. Rather, it represents a confusing and difficult to track method of providing information. Since these are different images, representing different information, then the images should be presented as individual sentence for clarity and information seperation purposes. It will do the writer well to remember that cohesiveness and coherence scores in the essay are awarded based on the individual thought coverage or information sources of each sentence. 2 images always translates better when done in 2 targeted sentence presentations.

The paragraphs properly developed the presentation requirements for the comparative report. The individualized image discussions per paragraph can be clearly followed and referred to by the reader. It is comprehensive enough in terms of information sharing to create a well developed, analyzed, and concise report presentation.

Letters / Upon returning to Vietnam - Motivation Letter For SI scholarship [2]

you only need 2 paragraphs for your motivational letter. Merge the first and last paragraphs since the plans you have for the short and long term goals are related. The explanation can be consolidated to provide a clearly progressive short term goal that will lead to a long term career benefit.

The current second paragraph has a good plan but should avoid the mention of using the network as a part of the youTube channel. There are certain rights and privacy issues involved in using the network on such a basis which you will have to thresh out with the scholarship members. The mention of the YouTube channel can still be used as long as it refocuses on a different presentation. Use an individual idea presentation for the channel improvements based on skills that will be acquired.

Writing Feedback / Consumption of three spreads_Writing task 1_Line graph report [2]


This is literally cut and paste from the original image. The result? Score deductions in the summary overview. The writer did not even realize that this is an inaccurate image description that he should have corrected in the analytical summary presentation. The word "spread" has several definitions, one of which is the type of food as in the case of the 3 listed items. Therefore, the differentiation between a regular spread and sandwich spreads should have been made clear to the reader. For clarity, proper word usage, and differentiation, the phrase "sandwich spreads" should have been used.

The analysis could have been more complete and have been awarded a more increased score if the writer had taken note of the overlapping and meeting point measurements for the image. A deeper analysis could have been provided with the inclusion of the information that butter and margarine had equal measurements in 1993 and that the 3 spreads had equal usage in 1996b and 2001, based on the intersecting measurement lines. There is also another point of intersection that the report missed out on, which would have helped the essay get a higher C+C score.

Scholarship / In your opinion, how would an SI scholarship for master's studies in Sweden be valuable [4]

This is not even a recommendation letter. This is just a summary of the benefits of studying in Sweden as a sponsored student. The student, who wrote this paragraph, is not even trying to write a believable recommendation at this point. He has no idea how to recommend himself for the scholarship. Most likely because he knows he does not qualify for the program due to lack of proper and relevant academic accomplishments and professional targets. I cannot even think of how the student can improve in the writing of this letter because he does not offer any relevant information that can be revised to make it seem like someone, other than himself, is actually recommending him for the scholarship. There is no useful information in this presentation.

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 2 - Agree/Disagree - Cycling [2]


There are several problems with this prompt restatement + opinion presentation. The first, is that the original topic is simply a one liner sentence that does not contain any of the opening remarks that the exam taker presented here. The personal opinion presented in the opening statement created an inaccuracy in the topic restatement and will be scored down. The second error, is that there is an inaccurate opinion presentation as the exam taker:

- Incorrectly used and agree or disagree statement in the title (It is an extent response instead)
- Incorrectly gave his opinion in an incorrect format (drawbacks v. benefits instead of extent of agreement or disagreement)

As such, the essay has already recieved a failing preliminary TA score due to the inaccuracies presented. These opening statement errors are enough to fail the test overall due to the incorrect presentation format and lack of a valid opinion based on the discussion question provided. There is no need to review the rest of the essay at this point since the discussion is irrelevant to the given scenario.

Scholarship / Serving for health - GKS graduate degree program, personal statement [3]

Change the focus of the family background. Do not focus on your mother being a doctor. Instead, focus on how your father left for South Korea to work, what impact it had on the family, how your father influenced your decision to study a masters course in Korea based upon his living and working experience in the country. These information will be more notable and relevant to the motivation letter as suggested by the prompts. You may slightly mention your mother but only in reference to the change of your interest from medicine to Public Health Science. You may offer one paragraph for each parent, based on relevant discussion information.

Shorten the college experience. The relevance of the motivational letter has to connect heavily with your professional exposure at this point. There must be evidence that your masters studies will have a specific use in your current workplace or in relation to your planned career growth. The last 2 being the motivating factors behind your desire for higher studies.




This is the weakest aspect of the personal statement as it only describes work experience but does not refer to any notable individual accomplishments, recognition, or publications on the part of the applicant. These accomplishments are a major part of the consideration as it reflects how successful you will be as a masters degree student in this course.

The essay fails to explain why the student has chosen to study this course in Korea. This is why I am asking the applicant to focus on the experience of the father as a worker in Korea and its influence on the child. It must be equal or stronger than the influence of the mother.

Letters / Motivation letter for MSc in Business Analytics [2]


This paragraph is more geared towards a statement of purpose rather than a motivation letter since it describes the skills you have which make you qualified for the program. The statement of purpose needs this information to highlight your professionally developed skills in relation to the future purpose of your studies. This is not motivational in content.


This is certainly a motivational point that should be highlighted. It should not be a closing reference in any paragraph. This is the topic sentence upon which your diversified motivations should be based upon and presented.


Again, not a motivational statement. It should be removed in totality. You are mixing the statement of purpose with the statement of motivation. Making it unnecessarily long and irrelevant to the focus of the letter.

Scholarship / OKP scholarship, study Master of Public Health (MPH): Health Systems Policy and Management track [2]

The infomation provided is a bit scattered in approach. The writer needs to focus the writing in a chronological order that will help to clearly address the Who,What, Where, When, and Why requirements of the writing. There are times when the writer forgets that the focus of his writing is related to water borne illnesses and problems in the writing, as he focuses more on the general public health discussion in relation to the health problems in Egypt. Writer did not review this draft before submitting it for a review at this forum. Sady, I cannot edit the content of this paper and reposition the paragraphs for the writer because it requires revising almost the total content of the essay. That is not covered by our free services.

The writer needs to revise the paper to focus on the water context of the statement. The problems connected, the specific area of concentration for the studies in relation to a clear SDG program, and the potential solutions that can be addressed by the advanced studies will help create a better directed second draft for this essay. Remove all of the research references since the essay is to be based on personal information, observations, and motivations in relation to the SDG program. It does not need reference material in the presentation. It creates a motivation lacking presentation since the writer is expecting the reviewers to consider research as a part of the valid personal responses. The writer must start over. He cannot use this version of the essay for his application.

Writing Feedback / Money spent on books - [WRITING TASK 1] LINE GRAPH REPORT [4]

The summary overview and trending statement are too busy. Too much information is being presented in one sentence, creating a jumbled mess of directionless information. The reader expects to read one idea per sentence. Use 3 sentences at a minimum, at all times to explain or represent the every paragraph , regardless of paragraph function . A higher C + C score can be awarded across all paragraphs that way.

The main problem of the writer is not in the way he sees the images. He has a problem in the way he presents the information. He does not try to deliver an impressive analysis beyond a superficial report. Something that can affect the GRA, C+C, and TA final scores in relation to his final overall score. He understood the information, he just did not use the proper format in presenting the analysis. He rushed through the report.

Scholarship / Insurance company and accounting - PERSONAL STATEMENT FOR APPLYING GKS [3]


This is the worst motivation that most students use when applying for scholarships and admission to any school overseas. You can learn a new language without having to leave your country. You can also study overseas and afford it without a scholarship. Your parents are after all financially well placed and care well afford to sponsor your studies abroad. This is the clear implication of this paragraph. Do not use such an immature reason in any application. This paragraph contradicts your need for a ffully sponsored or half sponsored scholarship.


The motivation is shallow.in terms of professional direction and fails to show a motivating career path. Where is the serious consideration behind the decision?


This lecture does not contain any unique reasons for choosing to study in Korea. The reason does not represent any academic considerations that make the need for you to study overseas, in Korea specifically, imperative.

Scholarship / GKS - PERSONAL STATEMENT URBAN PLANNING/ENGINEERING [2]

The personal statement is weak as it does not present information in relation to the professional experience of the applicant. The focus is mostly on undergraduate studies, which is considered as a part of the application but, is one of the weakest considerations of the reviewers. The reviewers are looking for seasoned professionals who have already accomplished and established themselves as potential leaders in their profession. Something that the applicant fails to provide in this essay.

The overall content is too unprofessional and lacking in impressive qualifications based upon work experience and forward planning for goals related to the current career path of the applicant. It is more applicable to a secondary college course application rather than to a GKS masters scholarship application. It not a personal statement that could move the application forward. It does not support any strong documentation that might be presented by the applicant to the review committee.

Research Papers / Because a patient's life can be more unpleasant than death, they should have a right to choose [3]

The discussion presented is truly supportive of the right to Euthanasia. It delivers clear supporting reasons based on the writer's knowledge and observation. However, it does not create a compelling argument to support the side of the writer due. An argumentative essay works best when the writer clearly debates both sides of the issue, delving on reasons why the opposing side does not represent the correct knowledge to disallow or remove the right of the patient to Euthanasia. The focus of an argumentative essay is to win the argument by disproving the other side. Presenting their reasons and then, using the opposing argument to show the lack of applicability or errors in understanding of the reason presented. This essay, though compelling to read, only focuses on the given question, without considering the opposing arguments attached to it. Therefore, the argument becomes thin in convincing power. It does not respond to the possible opposing questions that could arise from the reasons provided. So it is not a true argumentative presentation.

Graduate / Personal Statement for Rutgers University M.S. in Rehabilitation Counseling [2]

Based on the opening statement, you have provided the reasons why your interest in Rehab Counseling has grown into a permanent career path for yourself. However, you have not represented where this path is leading you to at the moment. Try to define your current career path towards the end of this paragraph to complete it. Where do you see this path leading you and why? Base it on your previous statements in the paragraph.


Do not refer to the professor by name and university unless he will be providing you with a reference letter. Make general statements if he is not a referee. This will avoid any questions the reviewer might have regarding your claims that may lead him to do further validation investigations into your background. It is not necessary to mention names at this point.

*Limited review provided due to essay length.

Letters / Motivation Letter for Sustainable Product Creation - Msc in Engineering [2]


It is always easiest to open with words of wisdom from someone else. It helps you tell the reader something that you cannot put into words on your own. Sadly, the reviewers do not appreciate any application essay or motivation letter that does not contain the original thoughts of the applicant in any given part of the statement. The reviewers give more weight to what you think and what you say, regardless of its imperfection. Removing this citation and your agreement to it will not harm your paper. Deleting it makes the letter stronger as it focuses immediately on your thoughts and observations which led to your motivation to study this course.

Reverse the positions of paragraphs 2 and 3. The third paragraph carries more of a convincing and related motivational representation than the current 2nd paragraph. In fact, the second paragraph can be removed from the presentation without really affecting the motivational statement.

Writing Feedback / The comparison of the figure of four electrical appliances and amount of time spent doing housework [2]


This information is not specified in the images provided. The writer will lose points for not accurately restating the contents of the images. The writer is not allowed to add information to the summary just because he thinks it will make the writing more interesting / accurate. He is not to include information that cannot be verified by the image. Doing so will result in percentage point deductions in relation to the summary overview and task accuracy considerations.


While this is another way of mentioning the indicated time frame, it is not acceptable in the summary section. The summary should contain precise and accurate references to the original information. Hence, only the year range should be mentioned. An alternative year representation is better used in the body paragraphs. Or, the year indicator should have been mentioned in a parenthesis for accuracy.

The rest of the presentation is accurate enough and will receive decent marks. However, the two major deduction areas will lower the overall score. While the essay will not fail, it may only receive a base passing mark. Avoid the errors indicated next time.

Scholarship / SOP on Field Robotics (outlining your reasons for enrolling in the program. The letter should clear) [2]


The reviewer is not interested in the opinion, observations, and views of non applicants. Do not highlight other established people's names in the presentation. Open with your opinion instead. That is what matters to and is considered by the reviewer.


This shows an early influence in your career choice but does not show a profession related experience based on your personal exposure. Being a masters student entails work exposure targets in relation to career growth. Replace the reference.


When? What were the results? Have your findings been published and adopted in the medical AI and robotics field in your country ?


There is no reference to this in the statement as a primary purpose driver with a specific learning target in relation to specific field problems you hope to address.

* Limited review due to essay length.

Writing Feedback / [WT2] The technology today makes the travel to isolated regions, such as the South Pole, possible [2]


Good response for a comparative essay. Sadly, your response is incorrect as it does not apply to the question


The question clearly indicates a single response essay.That response must be based on a solid defense of a single - based on the discussion question. The essay has already failed to provide a proper answer using the expected response format. The overall score will not be a passing one. All because the writer Misunderstood the question. Therefore, he must work on his English comprehension skills while also familiarizing himself with the various Task 2 response formats.

There are questions that require comparison reasoning. There are those that require a single opinion such as this one. There are 2 reasons that the essay fails to deliver:

- It does not follow the response format
- It does not respond to the question

The minor failing reason is the lack of opinion clarity due to the misunderstanding of the question. The writer tried to defend both sides, resulting in a discussion question alteration and a failure to properly follow instructions in English.

Letters / Public health - Motivation letter review for scholarship [2]


Address them formally either as Dear Consortium or To the Consortium. It is more acceptable than using the name of the scholarship program.


What role will it be? Go direct to the point. Do not use a vague reference as the consortium prefers to hear information immediately as opposed to mere empty introductions and implications. They do not have much time to read your letter since there are thousands of applicants. If they feel your opening statement is empty, they may opt not to proceed with reading your letter. Get to the point right from the start, do not waste their time.


Another empty and little informative paragraph. These are generalizations that would work to explain why you are interested in the program, but does not provide a strong motivation based on a professional intention to solve a health problem unique to Egypt that drives you to have higher academic studies. Cultural experience in relation to public health will not be a useful reference unless it directly relates to the public health problem you hope to solve in your country.

Writing Feedback / Writing task 1 The bar charts illustrate the money spend on purchasing houses in England and London [4]

The summary overview is not clear to the reader. A summary must provide a clear sepearation of image identifiers, content placement, and image highlights. This short presentation does not do that. It is difficult to follow and fails to seperate the information in a manner that indicates each image representation. The writer should not compress the information into 1 sentence. Each paragraph has a 3-5 maximum sentence allowance. Use individual sentences instead of a run. The first paragraph immediately starts with a failing preliminary score.

The author continues to use run-on sentences throughout the essay. The doubts and confusion these information create indicates a lack of proper analysis and comparison for the included information. While the writing does become concise, it fails to completely represent a coherent and concise analysis presentation. There is more room for analysis and comparison in each paragraph, provided the writer uses the individual sentence idea presentation format.