Scholarship / I am suitably qualified to apply this scholarship. Self introduction for a scholarship [3]

Hope that I can help.

I accomplished completed my high school diploma/certificate at Cisarua High School (is it the full name of the school/college?) for three years, and graduated in 2018 from ... School. (High School occurred too frequently or repeated in such the short sentence which I would suggested to avoid and replaced with other wording or even rephrase it if possible. I guess you would like to tell someone that you finish your high school education on year 2018...)

Since I was a student, During my college time, I have joined the... In there, in the organization I conducted contributed to a research for developing and selling of an innovation product. to sell ... competition. That product awarded the We achieved first place for... inokachi in the entrepreneur national competition.

Beside those 'so call' amendments (yet I still have no idea if that would altered your ideas or meaning of your paragraph), may I suggested that you put related achievements into one paragraph, i.e. first paragraph for awards from school while another for those form the working place. Maybe another paragraph for your interest or to emphasize your strength (marketing skill / sense of innovation / etc).

Writing Feedback / An attempt on IELTS writing for differences on politeness between generations [5]

@nhihoai
Thanks for your comments.
@hphuc123
Thanks for your comments. It is true that the essay is crap...

Writing Feedback / An attempt on IELTS writing for differences on politeness between generations [5]

@Holt Thanks for your comment! I'll try my best next time and your continue supports are always appreciated.

Writing Feedback / IELTS writing for increasing of elderly in the country [3]

@Holt thank you very much for your comment. It is my bad on trying to tell readers what's on my mind, but eventually without having proper technique on handling the language make my sentences bulky... I underestimate the power of language and I can't handle it well (or even properly)

It is so true that I will not have enough time if I were in the real exam with that question and giving such the answer... In fact I was by chance attended the IELTS exam. And to be frank I only get 5.5 for the writing (General Training). It sound to me it is impossible to do all (generating idea, forming outline, making draft, proofread it, correct it) in that 40 minutes time, especially you are sitting in the exam hall. Last time I was only hand out my works without and proofreading or correction...

Anyway, thanks for your time and please be with us on that tough battle of english learning (to me it is too difficult).

Writing Feedback / IELTS 2: music should not be taught in schools instead other subjects such as computers and science [5]

Hope this help:

is not allowed to be put into the curriculum when teachers teach in school,

beside that,

people can learn music not only in (from?) school but also in the cyberspace.

moreover, in the near future, all daily activities are connected into the internet. (it seems one of the clause but missing any effect)

Writing Feedback / Developed countries should give other types of help to the poor countries rather than financial aid [3]

Hi hphuc123, sorry for my bad english, would you mind tell you are on which side (agree/disagree)? Is it because you find hard to generating the idea for either side so you choose the balancing approach?

As I believe the IELTS writing test is aim to let us show the examiner the capability of using writing english to communicate, so there is not necessary to present an complicated ideas/points/facts/examples.

Re the question you just post, what if:
On the agree side - that save government reserves for local welfare purpose / the rich cannot fund/feed the poor forever / to create the job opportunities for the developing countries / cheap labour also beneficial to the host country...

On the disagree side - less interfere on other countries ... sorry can't think any, maybe hints already there in the question "Rich countries often give money to poorer countries, but it does not solve poverty." <- the question itself query about the effectiveness of just financial aid.

Writing Feedback / @IELTS : The beneficial of team sport more than individual sport [2]

Hi @bichnguyen, any chance to post the question as well? From your essay it seem that it is just discuss both views.

Hope that I can help.

<- if it is universally acknowledged then there is no point to make any debate I'm afraid... unless is it you to paraphrasing the question itself

..., the manin (main) advantage of ... sports is this allow the development ... together to achieve goal.

In the fact that (In fact), ..., they train to their staff by on how to work ...

Therefore, people who play... (it sounds to me that playing as a team will get you skill on lead the members rather than the single)

Obviously, becoming independent ... (do you mean the main advantage of playing personal sports is to make someone more independent person?)

Writing Feedback / IELTS 2: essay discussed about teaching children, what is good and what is bad for them [3]

Hope that I can help.

First of all, it would be good if you can help to explain the below:

"People with strong decision making capabilities ..." Sounds like decision making is nothing to do with ethics and morality, unless the 'right and wrong' you are talking about actually the 'right or wrong decisions'...

"have achieved more success" - do you mean have better achievement? If so then you are talking the achievement in what, life/wealth/career/BEING BIGBADGUY?

"children will understand ..." because you use "them" later on this sentence. BTW, what is "the intensity of making a blunder"? Is it refer to the act on right or wrong?

Would you mind tell what is "extreme emotions" means to your essay?

In the second paragraph, I guess you are trying to explain the relationships of crime and punishment and their determinants in penalty in the real world. And then to apply that to the school to support your argument. However, you only show "school suspension" which I would expect (maybe I am wrong) to see the different 'level' of retributions...

"... when they commit some mistake which could lead to major crimes in future", do you mean 'to avoid them to commit major crimes' instead?

Writing Feedback / What I do in my free time - thinking about my goal [3]

Jhuang, hope that I can help.

Everyone has a dream, and mine is to be an excellent business consultant on one day.

To achieve that goal / To make that dream comes true, I have to acquire abundant of knowledge for business. So/Therefore I used to read a lot of books about business whenever I am free, before the bedtime in particular. This (reading) habit not only help me to broaden my horizon but also to de-stress which help me to get a good night's sleep afterward.

Writing Feedback / The oversea tourist is the reason for causing tension and negative impacts to the country they visit [4]

Dear Phuong, hope that I can help.

First thing is that would you mind tell if you agree or disagree to the statement 'the international tourism bring more cultural conflicts than understanding'?

Then from the 2nd paragraph, "The differences among (...) English speaking skill." <- is it run-on sentence? Also, the paragraph seems telling the reader the advantage of tourism(interesting / learning languages / establishing communication) which I'm afraid you might lose some marks on the task achievement.

Writing Feedback / Students eager to traveling and earning more money instead of studying continuously [3]

Hi ngoccamtu323, I wish I could write as good as you do...

So forgive me if I was wrong.

When I read your introduction paragraph, it sounds to me that student will not going to continue their study in the university after graduated from school (high school?).

the statement "In addition, discontinue studying leads to higher ...", my assumption is that student take the year off so that it will not see as 'dropout'... sorry maybe it happen on other countries...

In the conclusion paragraph, do you think if you change little bit the order of the sentences would help reader to better understand your stand point? Say you remind reader do not overlook the merits first and emphasis the drawbacks to end your essay.

I'm a bad writer or maybe a bad reader too so if you find my ideas are nonsense please just ignore that.

Writing Feedback / Advantages and disadvantages of having tourists and scientists travel to remote natural environment [4]

Hi hphuc123, it is a big challenge for me to read through your essay, my english is bad so forgive me if your find I ask silly question...


Is there any correlation between acquiring valuable data and artefacts from the remote area and (direct) contribute to knowledge of that area? Do you mean whatever they gain/retrieve will be analysed / researched hence the workout will benefit to the public? I'm sorry I'm not good in imagination and I'm not sure imagination/wild guessing is required for reading an essay...


And then what? World peace after the measurements? Or that "will directly contribute to mankind's previously limited knowledge of these areas."


I'm sorry but I guess you would like to tell the reader that the rescuers facing "incredibly gruesome and tiring to resolve any possible problems."

People say the aim of language is to communicate, I really wish I would have enough ability to communicate with you or understand your essay in one day...

Writing Feedback / Essay about free transportation 24/7 [3]

Hope that I can help.

Some people suggest to put your answer (agree or disagree) to the introduction paragraph, of course it is not the rule but I just do it as is...

Also please try to avoid putting things that not ask in the question, e.g. air pollution. Several of the website teaching IELTS writing suggested that in the introduction paragraph, a background statement (i.e. paraphrase of the question) and thesis (your answer) would be sufficient. I saw some indian websites suggested putting the hook (the beginning statement that aim to attract reader), I'm not sure if this will lead higher score but I would rather not doing that way, I know I am not good enough to write something catch people's eye...

I guess the 2nd paragraph aim to tell readers the cost of free public transport gives burden of finance to the government. However, the first 3 sentences sounds trying to tell us about the procedures of allocating fund/money, which seems not relevant to the topic sentence.

To be frank I'm just the beginner so I don't think I have the ability to give advise on grammar etc. I just try to tell as a reader and I believe you will spot that too if you read through the essay.

Please try read other works on this website especially the comments of it and I believe it will help a lot on IELTS writing.

In my previous attempts I was so lucky to have Mary Rose (HOLT her username) to check and comment. She always reminding us to form the essay in 4 to 5 paragraphs and limit 3 to 5 sentences per paragraph. And the body paragraph should always contain the topic sentence (your point, your answer to the question), and then explain the topic sentence you just wrote. And then follow with 1 or 2 statements as the support information, and if possible give further explanation with an example. Please follow this link to one of her feedback for an essay

https://essayforum.com/writing/countries-number-young-adults-larger-elderly-80254/
https://essayforum.com/writing/students-eager-traveling-earning-money-instead-80294/

Writing Feedback / Separate education for disruptive school students? [4]

Hi THÙY, hope that I can help and please let me know if I am wrong.

First of all, I guess you are on the 'disagree' side, right? Or you are on 'balancing approach'?


I'm not sure but I get confused with the pronoun 'they', are 'they' referring 'some people' or 'naughty student'?


This sentence deliver: 1. student in the class, 2. student are concentrated on lesson, 3. student are being disturbed, 4. student are not understanding what their teacher taught. Sorry that I do not have sufficient skill on putting so many ideas in a single sentence but may I try to rewrite it and would be wonderful if you can help to comment it.

Others in the class may disturbed by the noise or even lead them lost their concentration to the lesson. As a result they do not learn what their teacher taught.






For the concluding paragraph, I believe it would be sufficient with just paraphrasing/summarizing your body paragraphs plus closing sentence which state your position. The sentence about saying student should do good in school or class may irrelevant or inappropriate to appear there.

Writing Feedback / IELTS writing 2 - will tax on fuel ease the traffic and pollution? [6]

Thanks! Thanks Arthur for your feedback.

You caught me, I was confused on choosing which side at the beginning and firm my position after but forgot to change the order of the paragraphs (and modify the introduction paragraph to keep the tone of the essay align)

Re the simple sentences and phrases... yes I was trying to keep it simple since I was used to mistakenly think that write something complex and it end up with run-on and difficult to read... I am still finding the balance of it. It is true that i need more vocabularies or synonyms or whatever, still lot to learn from you guys!

Re the conclusion, do you mean it would look better if I go deeper on paraphrasing my body paragraphs there?

Writing Feedback / IELTS writing 2 - will tax on fuel ease the traffic and pollution? [6]

Dear Holt, thanks for the comments. And sorry for not doing the proofread on the topic question before post.

I will try to state my point of view clearly (and correctly) to the introduction next time, since mine one here looks like to respond to the question of "discuss both these views" more than "do the advantages outweigh its disadvantages".

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: Discuss both view on whether or not to keep animal in zoo. [4]

Hi PaulthePhoenix, hope that I can help.

Tell me if I am wrong, Isn't it the question is asking whether or not keeping the animals in zoo instead of the role of maintaining the zoo? I just get little confused by reading the first sentence of the first paragraph...

And I believe if you can put some "Cohesive Devices" to your essay will help a lot for the reader to follow your points and ideas.


Maybe you can think about on changing the order for the above statement, so that reader will be easier to follow the correlation in between. E.g. animals are locked, well feed by humans so they lost their instincts. Since they lost those traits which is essential for them to survive when released to the wild, they are in danger...

Writing Feedback / Alternative resources - an effective solution that should be encouraged to use in the near future. [3]

Hi Nhat Px, hope that I can help.

The question you posted didn't mention anything about "human being are facing the shortage of fossil fuels" at all. In that case may I suggested that to avoid putting anything not appear on the question to your introduction paragraph.

Forgive me if I was wrong, but I guess the question is about "whether the use of alternative source of energy a positive or negative development", so you may have to choose either side just like the way when you are dealing with "Agree or Disagree" questions. I heard some may choose so call 'Balancing approach' which gives the answer of supporting both sides. I admire those who able to give thus the answer in the short time frame (i.e. within 40 minutes on an IELTS test). For me I will not take that risk as I know myself very well - I am not the good writer still! Oops, sorry for the off topic, in short I would suggest you to stick with one side and state your position in the introduction paragraph. This help readers to prepare what they expected to see in the body paragraphs.

And for the second paragraph, it sounds to me that the topic sentence of it is to tell readers the use of "conventional fuels" are expensive. And the reason behind is that 1. the harvestation cost is high and 2. the transportation cost is high. I'm not good in grammar but again, as a reader, I think it would be nice if you can make a little amendment to the sentences such as list all the causes first and then tell the consequences. And I believe it will help you to gain some marks on "coherence and cohesion" as well.

Similar approach as 2nd paragraph to the 3rd one. From there you mentioned that:


So let me try breaking your idea down to:
- Shanghai residents suffer from toxic air
- Shanghai residents cannot go outside without face mask or other protective clothes (protective clothes... are you serious!?)
- Shanghai factories release contaminated air
- those contaminated/toxic air generated by the factories using traditional fuels

Now, please don't laugh at me, I'm trying very hard to rearrange your sentence... you know if I'm the good writer, I do not need post my childish essaies here...

...factories there still burn a lot of traditional fuels when in production. Thus the process releases a lot of pollutants such as the toxic contaminated air. This brings the detrimental health impact to the citizen and hence they can only go out with facemask and protective cloth to avoid the inhale of those toxic gas.

Ok, let's stop laugh out loud and move on the 4th paragraph. I guess you are trying to tell readers how good it is to use those "alternative source of energy". And one of your topic sentence is:


May I suggest that try to tell us more WHY it is the case (i.e. why such the approach allows society to take full advantage of ...)? And also any supporting information for your answer (i.e. if your answer of the above topic sentence is: well, it is clean. Then please explain why it is clean, such as: well, it doesn't like fossil fuels that when burn it release toxic gas and carbon dioxide, which bala bala... it is the most evil enemy of the plant, etc)?

And for the conclusion part, I guess you had been influenced by your introduction paragraph so you bring along the information/task that not mentioned on the original question. Say if my guess was right that it is a agree/disagree type of question, then in the conclusion part you may have to restate your point of view (costly and dirty of using traditional source of energy, how good on using that alternative source of energy) as well as your choose side (the agree I believe).

Sorry, lengthy, again, I'm not a good writer, even to make sentence short... thanks for your patience.

Writing Feedback / Parents need to learn how to be skillful in looking after their children [6]

Hi TungfromVN, hope that I can help

So I guess you are taking the balancing approach. It is something that I barely to handle so most of the time I will just stick with either side.

I guess maybe you can focus on telling reader how good it is to take the course, as from your paragraph it sounds to me that you put some irrelevant information (e.g. the reputation and famousity of the courses, fake courses, etc) in there. If the topic sentence of your 2nd paragraph is to tell reader the advantage(s) of taking course, it would be good to put some effort to support your argument (reasoning), and would be perfect together with some examples.

In the 3rd paragraph, I believe you would like to express:
1. it is waste of time and money to take course if one already know how to do it
2. if they do not have enough budget, they might unable to get enough facilities for the baby...

It seems one of the above would be the reason and one be the possible result, so if they can be re-arrange with better order it would make us (reader) easier to understand the correlation.

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 2: TOPIC ABOUT NEWS AND QUALITIES OF JOURNALISTS [3]

Hi vothuong, hope that I can help.

From your introduction paragraph, you stated you partially agree the statement 'journalists are not trustworthy'. However from your paragraph it seems you are not describing how you trust (or not) the journalists but instead, you are telling people how importance to read news. And at the end of paragraph you mentioned the newspaper who published gossips which give us sign that you would like to make some comparisons between trusted newspapers and those focus on rumors. If that is the case I think it would be perfect if you can say more about it.

From your conclusion paragraph you say people 'need to be conscious to select official newspaper', is it the summary of the paragraph two?

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2 : Discuss about physical activities and logical subjects [3]

Hi Phoenix, hope that I can help.

I am sorry but I'm afraid you might be off topic. From the question you provide seems talking about two groups of people, one claimed physical activities is important while the other emphasized on logic/academic subjects. However from your respond on the introduction paragraph you stated nowadays student spend too much time on academic than that on physical.

If it is a 2 sides plus opinion question, you may have to (i may be wrong, so it is only a suggestion, you are always welcome to show me your way):

1. paraphrase the question + your opinion
2. 1 side view
3. the view of another side
4. your opinion (some people like to put that to 3rd paragraph, is all up to you)
5. Concluding paragraph, paraphrase of the question again + summary of the body paragraph + your opinion

Writing Feedback / Social network usage has caused a variety of contradictory effects on the whole community [3]

Hi chubbyngo07, hope that I can help.

In short, if you are on the disagree side, I believe you need not to put any statement that to show its advantage... the existence of the 4th paragraph seems aim to make your essay to meet the 250 words limit.

Re the introduction, seems you only mentioning the negative impacts it brings to the community/society but skip those to the individual...

Writing Feedback / Writing task 2: economic growth - environment protection [3]

Hi thuhabk, hope that I can help.

I guess you miss your opinion about 'developing the economy and protecting the environment should be carried out simultaneously to ensure sustainable development of each country.'

Maybe try not to use ellipsis in your essay...

Re the conclusion, try not to put any new idea or viewpoint there, so the statement 'the governments should integrate developing ...' could be put to your missing opinion I guess.

Writing Feedback / IELTS writing 2 - posting comments on product or service to the internet, is it good or bad? [5]

Dear Holt, all I want to say is Thank you! Thank you for your comments and encouragement along my road to IELTS! I don't know how to express my feeling well in english but all I want to say is that you make us (me in particular) not

feel alone in the dark; I know I got someone here giving us support, guidance and encouragement.

You are right, I must make it clear on my statement that directly answer to the question (I.e. yes it is good instead of any unclear wording such as benefit effect/impact).

Thank you and I wish you all the best!

Writing Feedback / IELTS writing 2 - posting comments on product or service to the internet, is it good or bad? [5]

Sorry to give you hard time on reading my essay... is it too jumpy?

Writing Feedback / IELTS 2 - should teenagers do part-time jobs? Both side of the views and my opinion [3]

Hi Eddy, thanks for your comments. It is true that my opening paragraph is fail to IELTS requirement.

No mean to criticize, as an IELTS teacher your recommendation of the paraphrasing and thesis should be of no problem at all, I just confused if I have to state the reasoning (experiences, detrimental effects, etc) to the introduction paragraph instead of only mentioning them on the body paragraphs.

I just not sure if I stated my topic sentences clear (definitely not according to your comments above):
2nd: part-time job good for teenagers as this train their social and communication skills
3rd: part-time job bad for teenagers as this lead them fail on their academic results
4th: my opinion on doing part-time job, which teenagers time should only spend on study or other activities but a part-time job.

Thanks again for your comments and I hope I can do it better next time.

Writing Feedback / It is better for elder to live with their offsprings rather than in an club for old people [5]

Hi Lozzol, hope that I can help.

Since I'm not capable to figure out any abnormal to your essay, let me just do a simple grammar check on that...

... that the seniors can t...

... if the elderlies live ...

It, however, they also may be sad ... from their children.

Or if you have the 'although' in the begin of the sentence, you may skip the 'however' I believe.

In a nutshell (In conclusion/In summary/To summarize)

Some people say to avoid any informal english appear on the IELTS writing, but it is ok to use it in speaking test.

Lastly, may I ask if the question you post is the original one, which is only ask for your views on both sides? If that is the case you may skip the part that listing your opinion.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2, "Whether learning a foreign language should be a compulsory subject at school or not?" [4]

Hi bunnytiger01, hope that I can help.

First of all, would you mind tell task respond of this question? Is it:
a. agree or disagree
b. discuss both these views (and your opinion)

From your answer (mainly on paragraphs 2, 3 and 4) I guess it was asking whether you agree or not...

People say learning is bidirectional, now I really get the meaning of that is by giving the feedback I'm getting the knowledge/skill too.

No wonder many of the IELTS tutors emphasize on paraphrasing the question on the introduction paragraph, i.e. with the proper paraphrasing reader will get an idea of the question even the writer not posting it all together. I'm sorry but I'm afraid you may failed that paraphrasing part if it is essential for the IELTS examination.

From your essay I can see that you are trying to tell the readers that you agree the statement "learning a foreign language should be a compulsory subject at school" and the reasons behind are (not listed in order):

1. several of foreign languages are the one language speakers use the most.
2. it is an advantage of people who acquire those language skills
3. it help people who having the foreign language skill a brighter future (better career path, etc)
4. it help people to broaden their horizon (sorry this is overused phrase so please avoid to put that to your IELTS essay)
5. it help them to go to UK (?) for sightseeing or whatever, learn more about the diversity of culture, history, food and so on.
6. Most of reliable information now is written in English and French books, magazines..., especially medicine books.

Some of them are the main point (or topic sentence) of the paragraph which you better put it at the beginning of the paragraph, while some of them just the supporting statement which is to give evidence to the topic sentence, and some of them are just example which further explain your point to the readers. So I believe if you can have the better arrangement of the above this may help readers a lot on follow your ideas.

For the conclusion, some tutors would suggested to paraphrasing the question again, together the summarize of your paragraphs (i.e. your topic statements).

Hope this may help and please let me know if I was wrong (true, the above may be totally wrong as I'm not the good/qualify writer too).

Writing Feedback / IELTS writing 2 - is celebration vital? Are people spend too much on it? [5]

Thanks for your comments. True, I need carefully proofreading my statement beforehand to avoid such confusions to happen...

Writing Feedback / IELTS writing 2 - is celebration vital? Are people spend too much on it? [5]

@Holt thanks for the comments. Now I realize that I might be off topic and will receive lower mark on TA as I wrongly interpreted the question... i.e the actual meaning of the question is asking:

1. What are the importance of the big spending celebrations?
2. Do you think people really spend too much?

I should pay more attention onto the analysis or at least understanding on the question in the first place... hope that I can do that better next time.

Writing Feedback / IELTS writing 2 - Why people do nothing to protecting the environment and how do deal with it? [7]

Thanks for your comments. Believe it or not, I was with 100% confidence when uploading the essay and without knowing that I was off topic or making whatever mistake until someone point this out (as well as other mistakes I had).

When @Linh Dieu spotted that out I just simply reply to it. This is just to show my appreciation on someone actually taking their valuable time to read and giving comments on my essay. However, it doesn't mean I was posting an essay that I knew it was off topic in the beginning.

To be true, I am not intend to waste anyone's (and your's, in particular) time.

In fact I agree with you that I have to work hard on better understanding with the questions and their task respond(s), and most importantly, to preserve enough time for proofreading on my final works. Thanks for your kind enough to leave me comments even you doubted I was trying to playing around.

Understanding of the question and task respond as well as proofreading are both the important parts for the IELTS writing test (or any other tasks/tests/jobs/whatever in the world) BUT I just fail to respond those two elemental but essential tasks... I really really like to say thanks for you to point this out as I am sure this help strengthen my memory to avoid (with finger cross) that from happening again.

Sometimes (most of the time) I found frustrated when I knew that the mistakes I made, especially when I found those were the mistakes that I made in the past but still appear in present... well, it is true that to spot the faulty on someone else is easy while to avoiding it happening to myself it really hard... keep learning still.

Anyway, please do not treat me as a time waster, I just one of the careless (unqualified) writer struggled in the brandscore of the IELTS world.

Writing Feedback / IELTS writing 2 - Why people do nothing to protecting the environment and how do deal with it? [7]

thanks for your comments. It is true that I need play attention to the question and avoid run-on sentences, it was just for somehow make it wrong again and again...