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Posts by awe_28
Name: Nur Awaliah
Joined: Jan 5, 2016
Last Post: Feb 21, 2016
Threads: 25
Posts: 10  
From: Indonesia
School: State University of Makassar

Displayed posts: 35
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awe_28   
Jan 5, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2 - THE MOST ESSENTIAL DISCOVERY [4]

The internet is probably the most significant invention of the last 30 years. Without it, our lives would be completely different.
To what extent do you agree or disagree?


In the last three decades, there have been a lot of inventions, but internet is perhaps the most essential discovery which has changed the way of people lives completely. It is true that internet has helped people to improve their lives. However, I would argue that this immerse invention certainly has caused dire effects such us increase crime rate and unhealthy lifestyle.

The emergence of Internet has made alteration in the world especially for improving human life. Using internet can support their activities and make them faster or easier to be done. For example, when people have to inform their relatives or friends about important news, they do not need to meet them in the home. By using email or social networks, they are able to contact them more efficiently. Therefore, it proves that citizens will have more time and be able to do the other important activities.

Aside from the merit, the Internet brings more problems for society. Firstly, human lacks of physical activities which can cause unhealthy lifestyle. Evidence of this can be seen when teenagers just spend their day in front of computers to browse. In addition, there is insecurity feeling since internet provides place to do crimes. Some perpetrators nowadays are able to commit any crimes in internet such us hijacking or psychological treat which can brings harmful effects for the users.

To sum up, it is clear to me that although internet upgrades human live, the rising of crime rate and poor lifestyle are becoming serious problems of it. The right steps must be taken by responsible parties to reduce the impact.
awe_28   
Jan 6, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2 - LIVING IN ONE PLACE OR MOVING AROUND? It is a free choice for everybody. [2]

In the past, people usually stayed in one place throughout their life. These days, people often move around. They often live in several different places in their lifetime. What are the advantages and disadvantages of both?

Several years ago, people tend to be born, grow up, and die in same place. However, at the present time, they live as nomadic. Most people spend their time from one location to the others. Living in one area provides better security and comfortable neighborhood while it causes lack of social intercourse and boredom. In the other side, although staying in different place brings more knowledge and better job, people will be difficult to adapt and manage their life.

Continuing live in one location brings positive and negative effects. The first positive effect is that inhabitants obtain better security since they already know the environment and crimes which have occurred there. Also, citizens are pleasant with the locals as helping has become accustomed for people who know each other for long term. Nevertheless, inhabitants lack of social interaction because they are surrounding with same faces every day. In addition, they face boredom since there is repetition of their activities.

As for people who often shift around in several places in their life, there are merits and drawbacks for them. The main benefit is gaining new knowledge and experience due to the reason that they can learn from various person. Moreover, finding job becomes easier since much information will come from new friends. However, living in new habitation forces them to adapt with neighborhood and it will be difficult for getting closer to others. This is also troublesome to manage their life. For example, when person move to new place, they must prepare new house and of course the equipment.

To conclude, living in one place for whole life or moving around is the choice of each person because both of them have advantages and disadvantages. People will have better life if they enjoy it and try to avoid the drawbacks.
awe_28   
Jan 6, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS 2 - nowadays people feel hard to change their sedentary lifestyle as they live in busy time [2]

citizens in Brenes, Spanyol spendingSPEND their time working in a 40-hour timetable, and this eventually leads to them buying ready made-meals, such as KFC and McD(MENTION THE NAME OF FOODS, NOT THE PLACES) since they...

Another evidence is FROM state-of-the-art technology.

All of thisTHESE depend on their self-awareness to keep their body fit.

70 % of companyCOMPANIES allow their employees...

PAY ATTENTION WHEN YOU USE PERCENTAGE! THERE IS NOT SPACE BETWEEN NUMBER AND PERCENT
awe_28   
Jan 7, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2 - THE CAUSES OF RARE ANIMALS INCREASING AND THE SOLUTION TO REDUCE IT [2]

Animal habitats have been destroyed, and some animal species (e.g. the tiger and the rhino) have become endangered.
Why does this happen?
What can be done to protect endangered animals?


Nowadays, animal and human live together in this planet, but the increasing of human population has annihilated animal's territory. This will make them in danger situation. There have been some reasons of this issue such us deforestation, hunting, and pollution. However, responsible actions like afforestation and setting animal's zones would preserve them from extinction.

At the present time, there are some excuses of animal death. Firstly, cutting forest completely to be agricultural and housing aim force animals relocate and move to human place since they do not have place to live. In addition, they are hunted since their skin or meat will be used to make dishes or accessories by people and this result more rare species. Lastly, polluting water and air by waiving toxic industrial or smoke can wipe out habitats around them.

I believe that some parties should take some actions to reduce the effects of this case. Initially, government should make regulation for companies to plant threes after they deforest them and limit the number of woods they take. This attitude will keep animal's homes. Moreover, to keep the balance of ecosystem, animal zone can be made by inhabitants. For example, this zone can just be entered by citizens who have obtained permission as they have to take responsibility later.

To recapitulate, the aforementioned evidence reveals that the increasing of rare animals is caused by some grounds such us forest cutting, animal killing, and pollution. Nevertheless, the responsible parties can make alteration to decrease the drawback like planting tree regularly and making animal's own area.
awe_28   
Jan 7, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1 - A HISTORY OF TWO TOWNS [2]

The maps describe how two neighboring towns, Meadowside village and Fonton have changed over three different time periods beginning in 1962, 1985 and at the present. Overall, the Meadowside village has been expanded the area and has become Meadowside suburbs also merged with Fonton. In any case, there have been a lot of changes of the features in these periods.

Fonton and Meadowside village were completely separated in 1962 without any tools that connect them. Meadowside only had a small road that crossed it, whereas Fonton which located to the east of Meadowside only had a railway.

In 1985, there was a significant development in both of towns especially the size of area. There were some new buildings in Meadowside such us leisure complex, housing estate, and super store. Moreover, the road became larger and connected with Fonton by main road.

Currently, Meadowside and Fonton were united alongside with Meadowside that becomes suburbs. There was a new railway near a train station. While hotel was located behind the station, business park has been constructed in the opposite side of road.



  • A history of two villages
awe_28   
Jan 8, 2016
Writing Feedback / What are the Stylistic Weaknesses in this Engineering Design Abstract? [2]

...may pose a problem for its useTHE USAGE of highly toxic phosgene gas.
... a safer, greener [,] and more environmentally friendly approachFRIENDLY ENVIRONMENT APPROACH to produce the dimethyl carbonate.
The vapor-liquid mixturesMIXTURESareIS then separated after being...
Economic analysis of our design shows itsTHE feasibility.
...before taxes of 13.7%, a net presentPRESENTED value of 26 million dollars...
awe_28   
Jan 8, 2016
Scholarship / I need assistance correcting my response to the prompt what has most influenced me for the future [4]

Hallo brayan, hope my comments will help you.. :)

Every time I see a pilot riskRISKING their lifeLIVESby helpingTO HELP people...
I cannot help but feelFEELING inspired. I look up toADMIRE them and many of the times thank themTHANKED for their serviceS . In doing soTHEREFORE , I show my appreciation for their work . Their workS motivates me to pursue a career in the field of aviation AVIATION SECTOR.

... indulges my interest forON aviation is the beauty of flight.
... experience that has the power to transform ...
awe_28   
Jan 8, 2016
Writing Feedback / The number of fuel-electric vehicles which have been purchased in three different areas (2006-2009) [2]

IELTS TASK 1 - GLOBAL HYBRID VEHICLE SALES

The bar chart describes the number of fuel-electric vehicles which have been purchased in three different areas from 2006 to 2009. At the first glance, the total sales has experienced growth trend over four years. In any case, United States always keep the total of selling into the highest level except in the end of period.

To begin, the trend showed that US has experienced fluctuation. The amount of vehicles production rose significantly from 250,000 in 2006 to 350,000 in the next year which was the highest sales. However, 2008 saw a fall by virtually 300,000. This decreasing was continued in the last year as the sales just reached at less than 300,000.

As for Japan, it just stood at 50,000 in 2006. However, Japan was increased dramatically every year and peaked at almost 350,000 in the end of 2009. This upward trend led Japan to the highest vehicle transaction among other countries in 2009.

Moreover, other countries rose constantly from around 50,000 in 2006 to over 100,000 in the end of 2009. Unfortunately, it became the last every year although it showed upward trend.



  • 266143_1_o.jpg
awe_28   
Jan 8, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2 - INVENTORS OR DOCTORS? I WOULD CHOOSE INVENTORS [NEW]

Inventors are not as important to society as doctors. To what extent do you agree with this statement?

These days, every profession has their own purposes. Inventors do not have an essential part as much as doctors for human's lives. Even though doctors has important role to guarantee people's health, inventors have invented many discoveries to improve people's lives.

It has been argue that doctors have become a necessity for society since citizens need them for healing their diseases from environmental changing. Taking South Africa as example in 2013, the death of children has been decreases by 2.7% from the previous year after the Minister of Health incurred some doctors from other countries to handle this problem since doctors have healed the diseases. Therefore, citizens could stay in healthy environment, declined the impact of unhealthy lifestyle, eliminated pain, and prevented the death.

However, I strongly believe that inventors are as important as doctors. Inventors have skills to make new equipment which can improve human's lives and of course there are also some inventions in health field. For instance, they discover new equipment like medical robot which can check patients and manage their individual charts also vital signs without direct human intervention. As the result, doctors could use their time more efficiently and check other sufferers. Finally, inventors also help doctors' working in taking care of others.

The aforementioned evidence reveals that doctors are crucial jobs as human in the world getting more and more every year and diseases are also increasing. However, I would argue that we absolutely need inventors in order to develop new equipment to bring a better life to us and turns our lives into balance.
awe_28   
Jan 18, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2 - The responsibility of parents and schools towards children's lifestyle [2]

Many children these days have an unhealthy lifestyle. Both schools and parents are responsible for solving this problem.
To what extent do you agree with this statement?


Nowadays, most of children have a free lifestyle which leads to unhealthy body. Even though many people believe that schools and parents share the equal responsibility since they have their own roles, I would argue that the utmost responsibility is the parents as they spent most of time with adolescents.

Schools as the second place of learning process must give good examples for students and provide the healthy area since the parents cannot control them in the schools. For instance, schools have essential role for controlling the food quality such as not provide instant dishes in canteen and do not give permission for them to obtain food outside. Therefore, it can reduce the possibility of unhealthy lifestyle in that area.

However, as the main educator who spends most of the time with children, parents will become role model for their children. For example, teenagers tend to smoke if their fathers also smoke. They think that is a fine behavior since their fathers has done it for a long time. In addition, mothers have to making healthy choice by providing nutritious dishes for children and also guarding them. Lastly, parents must organise their children's leisure time activities which is more effective than schools to change their lifestyle.

The aforementioned evidence reveals that although schools also help to change adolescent way of life, parents as primary care takers have bigger responsibility than schools since they are the closest and most influential to each child. Moreover, earnestness from both parties is needed to make it happened.

Like
awe_28   
Jan 19, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1 - SOME PROBLEMS WHICH ARE FACED WHEN STAY ABROAD [2]

A breakdown of proportion of some challenges which are experienced by people when they stay in new countries regarding three various age ranges is provided in bar chart. At the first glance, the challengers find sorting out healthcare and finances are the greatest deals for them. In addition, people aged 35-54 has the highest percentage of all problems.

To begin, managing health is the biggest problem in people aged 35-54 and over 55 aged group which 36% and 37% percent respectively experience this problem. On the contrary, 32% of the youngest age range feels difficult to maintain healthy which is the lowest proportion.

The chart reveals that the oldest age group has the most stable in controlling their expenses, whereas there are virtually 35% of people aged 35-54 and 18-34 years old are unable to settle it.

Finding school for children is mostly faced by middle aged group since there is around 20% of this group feel it as a problem. On the contrary, this issue is experienced by 6% of younger range group whereas just about 2% of people aged over 55 years old have this problem.



  • 12509211_11978050435.jpg
awe_28   
Jan 20, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2 - DIFFICULTIES TO MAINTAIN A HEALTHY LIFESTYLE [2]

SOME PEOPLE SAY THAT IN THE MODERN WORLD IT IS VERY DIFFICULT FOR PEOPLE TO HAVE A HEALTHY LIFESTYLE. OTHERS, HOWEVER, SAY THAT IT IS EASY FOR PEOPLE TO BE HEALTHY AND FIT IF THEY WANT TO BE.

DISCUSS BOTH THESE VIEWS AND GIVE YOUR OPINION.


Some people believe that keeping a healthy way of life is not easy especially when we live in globalisation era. Nevertheless, others argue that keeping healthy and maintain fit are possible if people have awareness about their bodies. This essay will discuss both of views.

Nowadays, there are some factors which cause health problems. Firstly, consuming unhealthy dishes is the main problem since most of people do not have much time to cook their own food. There are so many restaurants which provide junk food and people think that it can solve their problems. In addition, the development of technology can bring drawback for human. For example, teenagers tend to stay in front of their computers playing games or keeping in touch with their friends all day. These behaviours will cause unhealthy lifestyle as they just sit in the same place and make less movement.

Moreover, at the present time, many companies have developed new technologies to help people keeping their healthy lifestyle. For instance, people tend to purchase sport equipment in order to use it in their own home. As the result, even though they do not have much time to go to sport centers, they still can do some exercises in their home. Therefore, having healthy body is not as difficult as we think.

To conclude, it is clear that although some technologies alter people lives becoming healthy lives, I extremely believe that it brings more problems of unhealthy lifestyle. However, people's efforts are the biggest factor to gain health and fit.
awe_28   
Jan 21, 2016
Writing Feedback / TASK 1 - HOURS OF EXERCISE AND LEVEL OF ABSENTEEISM (based on a 2012 survey) [2]

...based on a 2012 survey areIS presented in the bar chart and table.

the Birmingham department was higher than London one .
Thirty-five percent of the employees...

Twice as many AS people in Birmingham department went to work than in London one, with 380 per thousand employees.
... department was immensely higher than the otherOTHERS as it accounted ...
Surprisingly, the over 5-day timePERIOD off work in former department ...

PLEASE ATTACH THE GRAPH!
awe_28   
Jan 21, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1 - THE COMPARISON OF INTERNAL AND EXTERNAL COMMUNICATION ABILITIES [3]

The table provides the comparison in term of both internal and external communication abilities for job finders in two different years, 1997 and 2006. Overall, there is an increment in almost all skills for the second survey. In addition, it is evident that the most popular ability is dealing with people while making speeches or presentation is not really needed by workers.

As for external communication, the figure shows that having dealing capability is the most essential skill among the others, which is presented at 65% in 2006 increased five percent from the previous survey. Following this, 41% people find out that knowing particular products or services skill is the next crucial in 2006 while caring for costumers is climbed 3% to 39% in next period. The ability of selling a product is the only one that is experienced a dropping at just virtually a fifth percent.

Turning to internal area, listening carefully to other workers are very important since the survey shows it takes a lead at 47% in 2006. The next skill is training people which is increased 5%. Moreover, having capability in analysing problems together and persuading other are placed at third and fourth respectively. However, planning activities and making speeches are not famous abilities as the proportion just around over one in ten.



  • 12540593_11978050602.jpg
awe_28   
Jan 22, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1 - A TECHNOLOGY FOR PRODUCING ELECTRICITY FROM WIND - provided in the diagram [2]

The diagram illustrates a technology for producing electricity from wind and where it should be placed to generate more energy from wind. In general, getting more electricity via wind will be more effective if structure and location are considered.

According to the diagram, there are some essential components which are installed on high steel tower. The first part is three long blades which are produced from wood or fiberglass. Virtually 1.5 megawatts electricity is generated by a generator. At the backside of blades, the wind sensor measures speed and direction of wind. The result will be received by the computer. Also, the direction and angle will be changed according to the information.

Another factor which affects the amount of electricity is the optimum locations. There are two options where a wind turbine can be placed. First, it can be put in the sea to keep the landscape. However, the turbine should be planted on the hill to produce maximum result. Therefore, a small turbine can just produce 100 kilowatts electricity and generates a house.



  • wind_turbine.jpg
awe_28   
Jan 25, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1 - ENERGY WASTED DUE TO THE HEAT LOSS IN TWO-STOREY HOUSE [2]

The diagram provides the information about air circulation which causes energy wasted due to the heat loss in two-storey house. At the first glance, a lot of air comes into and out of the house through several various places. In addition, most of air is blown out to ceiling.

To begin, air leaks to the house from many different places. The main entrances of it are windows and door which is located in the main room at the first floor. Although it is only in small amount, the other places where air comes are outdoor faucet and crawl space in the basement. Dryer vent in the kitchen also allow air to break through the house.

Turning to losing air process, large amount of air goes up and escape through the ceiling. The attic hatch and recessed lights are passed by it and enter the space in the roof. The diagram shows that the air continues to go out via bathroom fan vent and plumbing stack vent.



  • 263379_1_o.jpg
awe_28   
Jan 26, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS: an effect of possessing children and level of happiness [2]

IELTS TASK 1 - A SURVEY OF HAPPINESS LEVELS BETWEEN MARRIED AND UNMARRIED AMERICAN

The line charts provide the information of a survey which compares the happiness levels between married and unmarried American as well as the effect of possessing children. Overall, it can be noticed that happiness ratings of married people are higher than single ones. In any case, the proportion of happiness between married couple who have or having no children is almost same.

A more detailed look at the first graph reveals the differences of happiness ratings for married and unmarried groups. The 18-29 age group is the highest level in married range groups at 45%. Married people aged 30-49 and the ages of 65 and over have similar proportion at 44% while the 50-64 aged group shows the lowest blissfulness levels in married category at 40%. Furthermore, unmarried people experience the happiness levels for three age categories except the people who are 65 years old or over at 34%.

Moving to the other chart, the largest proportion of blissfulness ratings is experienced by people who have married and possess children under 18 at 44%. People who have family but do not have children follow at 43% whereas 41% of all couples who only own children 18 years old witness the lowest percentage of happiness levels.



  • 262487_1_o.jpg
awe_28   
Jan 27, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2 - THE IMPORTANCE OF TAKING A JOB AFTER GRADUATED IN HIGH SCHOOL [3]

Some suggest that young people should take a job for a few years between school and university.
Discuss what the advantages and disadvantages might be for people who do this.


Some people believe that it is essential for teenagers to have a pause for taking a job in some years before entering academic education in university. Even though this case has some drawbacks, I extremely believe that working after passing school is so useful and helping school leavers to develop their characters.

There are some negative effects for having a job for a period of time between school and university. Firstly, young people lose their time and are left behind when they work since the university students start their lesson immediately and master them first. As the result, working teenagers have less progress than them. In addition, taking job can reduce the opportunities for having a better occupation since they have a gap of time for choose sooner.

On the other hand, working immediately after graduated from school can bring more advantages. Initially, teenagers can have more time to prepare their lessons before enter the university since usually they do not understand the important concept of some subject when they were in the high school. Another benefit is people become more independent and having more experiences in working field. Therefore, teenagers will have a better characters and soft skills which cannot be obtained in formal education.

To conclude, having job directly after passing high school can bring some drawbacks such as having less progress and reducing their opportunities. However, I would argue that this case give them understanding about the value of life and develop their characters.
awe_28   
Jan 28, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2 - MASS MEDIA SHOULD PAY MORE ATTENTION TO ORDINARY PEOPLE [4]

The media pay too much attention to the lives and relationships of celebrities such as actors, singer or footballers. They should spend more time reporting the lives of ordinary people instead.

To what extent do you agree or disagree?


The mass media plays an essential role to spread the information to the public. Since people are always interest with celebrities' life especially their fans, they have been appeared on television and other media. While, the journalist tend to expose the celebrity lifestyles and relationship as people enjoy knowing about them, I extremely believe that the mass media should inform about lives of ordinary people.

Nowadays, it is clear that there is a wide gap between a star and a usual people from the media side. Reporters disseminate so many programmes about scandals or gossip of celebrities on television and internet. Taking the United States as an example, The U.S. mass media are only focused on sports, the lives of various celebrities, and a Congressman's relationship. Even though sometimes the media provides the important news related to celebrities such as the result of football player competition, but most of them gives useless information like the birth of star couple child. Therefore, it just waste much time and lack sense of journalism.

On the other side, more attention should be given on ordinary people live by mass media. The societies tend to follow the star news as they must serve their entertainment necessity. However, showing the common people experiences probably can inspire other. Anurag Gupta, a 30-year-old Indian immigrant, founded of "Be More", a nonprofit organization that uses research, storytelling and online social communities to bring change to the systems that perpetuate social inequity in America. Finally, he has inspired many people to become more care to others.

The aforementioned evidence reveals that the journalist should limit the celebrities' news and only shows the important information. In addition, the ordinary people must be given more attention especially their inspiring experiences.
awe_28   
Jan 29, 2016
Writing Feedback / Recently, some people prefer to build new job field instead of involving themselves in a company [2]

Some people decide to start their own business instead of working for a company or organisation.
Do the advantages for people working for their own business outweigh the disadvantages?


Recently, some people prefer to build new job field instead of involving themselves in a company or organisation. Even though there are some bad effects for setting up new company, I extremely believe that the merits outweigh these drawbacks.

To begin, the people who have their own business can face some obstacles. The most general problem is meeting many competitors who are more versed in that sector. A new businessman has to make his company really stand out than others since the competition rate in business area is extremely tight especially in a metropolitan city. In addition, running business by themselves will not give guarantee that the company will be last long. If it does not work incidentally, they might face the bankrupt and have many debts.

However, building a new business also has some advantages. Initially, people can manage their time and activities independently since they do not have higher authorities who make every decision about the company. Another benefit is having more leisure time with family because there is not the interference from others. As the result, the people who earn money by their own business have more pleasure than who work for a company or organisasion.

To conclude, even though most people depend their life by involving in companies or organisasion, owning a business gives people freedom since they can control their own companies. However, starting a new company is not an easy job and it needs many skills for a businessman to begin it.
awe_28   
Feb 19, 2016
Writing Feedback / A breakdown of a wind turbine design as an another Source of Renewable Energy [4]

Hi Bunglon, let me give you some suggestion :)
A breakdown of a wind turbine design and three different locations to be placed , is illustrated in the diagrams. At first glance, a wind turbine contents several parts, which has their each function. There are three different places (YOU HAVE SAID THIS INFORMATION AT THE PREVIOUS SENTENCE. SO, IT IS REPEATED) that can be used to put the turbine

May be you can use this sentence "In general, getting more electricity via wind will be more effective if structure and location are considered." for your third sentence in introduction.
awe_28   
Feb 20, 2016
Writing Feedback / Different household spending during 60 years [4]

Hi Bunglon, let me give you some suggestion!! :)

..there were significant changeCHANGES in the percentage..
..expenditure decreased significantly, food spending showed the oppositeTHE REVERSE.

..over a 60-year period, WHICH stood at 72.1% in 1950 and fell...
By contrast, the percentage of food spendingFOOD CONSUMPTION increased...

May be you can alter "the percentage" with "the proportion"
awe_28   
Feb 20, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2 - CHILDREN LABOUR SHOULD BE CONSIDER AS VALUABLE WORK EXPERIENCE [3]

In many countries, children are engaged in some kind of paid work. Some people regard this as completely wrong while others consider it as valuable work experience. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

At the present time, many adolescent have been become younger labourers in several countries. Some people believe that this case is totally wrong while the other side states precious job experience can be obtained. Whilst adolescent workers can disturb children focus, I would argue that basic life skills can be developed by them.

It is justified that children labour can cause the focus of child divided between study and work. This is due to the reason that their mind and physical can handle both of them at the same time which can make one of them slighted. A research conducted by Magdalena Rokicka show that the students who were employed part-time during the school term have a lower probability of continuing in post-compulsory education, even when controlling for final exam results. However, I believe it is not a problem since they can learn how to manage time from it.

Some people regard that paid work is acceptable for adolescent which provides many basic life skills that can be useful for their future. This is very essential as the life skills can help them to face the real problems and make better decision as they grow. A recent survey by Pew Research showed that students who have part-time works are better in managing their time rather than the ones that just study. This opportunity means that they have additional value than ordinary children to be used later.

To sum up, even though work can divert children's attention from education, it cannot be denied that the benefit like learning basic life abilities can have a big effect in few years later. It is recommended that parents should pay attention to their children's activities.
awe_28   
Feb 20, 2016
Writing Feedback / 'freedom from addiction' - The best way to get rid of someone's drug dependence is rehabilitation. [2]

Should drug addicts be jailed or rehabilitated? Discuss both views and give your opinions.

Some people argue that nicotine addicts should enter the jail since they have done an action which against the rule, while others state that the best way to get rid their addiction is rehabilitation. Even though all people who have made an illegal activity should be sent to prison, I strongly believe that treatment will offer a freedom from the addiction.

Regarding drug users should be prisoned, it is acceptable for some people since they must take the responsibility of the illegal things that they have been done like the other criminals. This is because they can cause many problems and not just harm the person taking them but also everyone around them. Taking McGraw, a famous American singer, as an example, he is a drug addict and the media reports that his divorce was caused by the violence to his wife. However, I argue that the real problem can be finished since they can use nicotine after they release from the jail.

In reverse, treatment offers the best solution for drug addicted who wants to change their habits and behaviors from using drugs. Many facilities are provided in rehabilitation center which can make the treatment easier and faster. A study in the UK shows that rehabilitation centers which provide best quality of psychologist and medicine successfully remove 76% people from drugs and motivate to change while become engaged in a continuing treatment process. I believe this method is recommended since a disease should be recovered and it is the wisest way for each individual.

To conclude, despite the fact that locking up in the prison is the common punishment for the drug users, it is unlikely that their habits can be stopped and that is why rehabilitation is better way to estrange them from nicotine.
awe_28   
Feb 20, 2016
Writing Feedback / Childcare places are preferable for busy societies but grandparets are the right choice for toddlers [2]

Some parents think that childcare centers provide the best services for children of pre-school age. Other working parents think that family members such as grandparents will be better cares for their kids. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

It is justified that childcare centers is preferable option for busy societies while others say that relatives such as grandparets are the right choice to watch over the toddlers. Although entrusting the children to their grandparents will give secure for the parents, I would state that day-care provides long-term trained employees.

Majority of people regard that childcare centers offer the best place for guarding and educating their children as they consist of fully-trained staff. This is due to the staffs have been trained for long time and given many skills to handle the children. Taking American Red Cross Childcare as example, before it employs its workers, they should pass 6-month period training to pass some goals and ready becoming a babysitter. This is result in The American Red Cross become the lead of babysitting classes and child care training in 2015.

Some parents have limited time to look after their children and prefer to entrust them to the grandparents because they are very busy in working. Grandparents are the most trustworthy person for nurturing the children since they have been experienced it at the past. A recent poll from the Meredith Parents Network shows that 63% of the participants prefer to select the relatives as the place where they can commend their children while they work. Interestingly, the grandparents cannot handle the children well because they are not highly-skilled professionals and have weak body.

To sum up, even though grandparents are the most credible person for busy parents, I extremely believe that the workers of day-care centers have been given knowledge in the training which makes them to be skillful individual.
awe_28   
Feb 20, 2016
Writing Feedback / Electronic media can cause several disadvantages on personal relationships between humans. [7]

Hi Putri, let me give you some correction :)

Since you argue that technologies give more disadvantages, it will be better if you put your argument in the second paragraph to refute the other opinion which state about the positive effect.

...themselves to not checkingCHECK their gadget even in the morning when they wake up, the first thingACTIVITY that they... (Your first sentence is too long and has many commas, it is better if you divided into two sentences)
awe_28   
Feb 20, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2 - HAVING HIGH SALARY IS NOT THE PREDOMINANT FACTOR TO STAY IN ONE COMPANY [2]

Do you agree that money is the only motivation at work why people prefer working in the same company for many years?

It is true that the high salary can encourage people in working place. However, I immensely disagree that this is the predominant factor for staying in same place since employees also need an improvement or promotion and the company is provided their passion.

It is justified that staying in one organisation for a long period can hand over big opportunities for improving the employees' career. This is because the authority has trusted their loyal and lead to jobs development which provide them a promotion to higher position. A survey from Oxford Economics reveals that 68% of American companies provide the job advancement for their 5-years workers and support them to improve their skills.

Another reason of becoming long-term laborers is their passion which is compatible on working in one company. It is due to they enjoy having a career and struggling in that company's sector since it provides their favorite profession and suitable with their desire. A report in 2014 by the Bureau of Labor Statistics stated that 53% of psychologists in the UK is prefer to work in children hospital for some years even they deal with low salary since they have desire to interact with children.

In conclusion, even though the payment is one of incentives that can motivate workers, I would argue that advancement and having similar desire can fundamentally prompt them to do their best. It is recommended for the authorities to pay attention to those factors, so the long-term employees will not move to the other place.
awe_28   
Feb 20, 2016
Writing Feedback / A breakdown of the inhabitant percentage aged 65 and more in USA, Sweden, and Japan [2]

Hi Bunglon, let me give you some corrections :)

A breakdown of the percentage OF inhabitant...
At first glance, there were three different trends in...(You state that there are three different trends. However, in the next sentence, you just mention about fluctuation and increasing. where is the other one?)

Moving to a more detailed analysis, standingSTOOD (since you explain the past) at 9%, USA
...Sweden experienced an increase and declined slightlySLIGHT DECLINE over the following...

Turning to the next analysis,A CLOSER LOOK AT THE DATA REVEALS THAT a significant (...) experiencing aAN increase of a quarter...
awe_28   
Feb 20, 2016
Writing Feedback / Underground railway system in different cities - main features and comparisons where relevant. [2]

Hi Bunglon, here is my correction :)

A breakdown of the information system of(breakdown has same meaning with explanaiton or information) the underground railway SYSTEM in London, Paris, Tokyo, Washington DC, Kyoto, and Los AngelesSIX DIFFERENT REGIONS(You can mention the cities if it is not more than three) since

...which was opened in 1927 with route 155 km AND 1927 million passengers.
awe_28   
Feb 20, 2016
Writing Feedback / ENCOURAGING STUDENTS TO LEARN THEIR FAVORITE SUBJECT IS BETTER THAN STRUGGLING IN ART. IELTS TASK 2 [2]

It is pointless making children who lack artistic talent learn painting and drawing in Art classes at school. Instead, they should concentrate on other creative and practical subjects which they may have more aptitude. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

It is justified that teaching students non-academic lessons such as art will be useless. In preference, they should be encouraged to focus on the other subject which they have more aptitude. This essay agrees with this issue because children will be depressed and cannot learn more on their favorite classes.

Students who are untalented in artistic field can fell pressure if they force to concentrate in subject they are not good. Doing something that students lack can reduce learning spirit as they do not have interest in considering the subject. A survey by Kyoto Seika University in 2014 stated that lack-art students cannot handle the art class since they find out that their brains are not suitable to receive that hard subject.

In reverse, it is suggested that people who are not good at artistic should be encourage to do another useful subjects. By practicing favorite lessons, it has more valuable advantages which can lead to their success rather than struggling with art classes which can guarantee their future. Taking mathematics geniuses, it will more effective if they focus to improve their skills and make an achievement such as win Olympiad in the aptitude subject rather than learn a lesson which is not related with their specialty.

To sum up, involved in Art subject is not recommended for students who do not have art skill since it brings more harms. It is assumed that they will experience dispirited since they are beginner in that field and think wasting time to learn unfavorable lesson.
awe_28   
Feb 21, 2016
Writing Feedback / Almost every country consider smoking in public areas as a detrimental issue. [2]

In some countries it is now illegal to smoke in public places. It is only fair that people who wish to smoke should have to leave the building. Do you agree or disagree?

Almost every country thinks smoking in public areas as a detrimental issue. The government has enacted some rules regarding this action. I would agree that this way can prevent non-smokers from serious disease. The other is that the authority has built some smoking areas which can reduce this activity.

Banning smokers to smoke in public areas such as hospital, school, or bus should be undertaken as non-smokers are hard to breathe near them. This is because there will be bad effects on their health and some disease can occur to them even though they do not smoke. A report from World Health Organisasion experts said that more than 600,000 people including 165,000 children die every year because they stay around people who smoke. Despite this, people should avoid going to places where many smokers stay there.

There are also some countries which provide smoking license and allow smoking in some public building. This is because the government has built certain rooms or smoking area that makes smokers can stay in that place without disturbing another people. For instance, Abu Dhabi International Airport terminals are non-smoking buildings which are enclosed smoking lounges and booths in each of the terminals where smokers can enjoy exceptional air quality while having a cigarette there. This results in non-smoking people not be mingled with the active ones.

To sum up, providing the law about the limitation of smoke area should be encouraged since it can reduce the harmful effects especially for the people around smokers. To make this happen, the government should provide special rooms for people who smoke since it will not affect the others.
awe_28   
Feb 21, 2016
Writing Feedback / Moving factories and industries to some small areas will reduce the population density and traffic [2]

In some countries, governments are encouraging industries and businesses to move to regional areas outside the big cities. Do the advantages of this trend outweigh the disadvantages?

The government in most countries has motivated the company authorities to transfer their business from metropolitan cities to outlying places. This essay will argue that although there will be decrease in traffic congestion, the drawback far outweighs the merit since the population growth will occur in new place of industries in a few years later.

Moving factories and industries to some small areas will reduce the population density and traffic congestion in the metropolitan cities. There will be a greatest number of immigration since people think that there are new opportunities to find job in those regions. Taking Princeton, a small city in America, there is a big development in industries sector in 2013 and over 300,000 people have been moved there. However, in the next decade, Increasing of immigration will cause the growth of inhabitants in the regional area and make a new crowded.

Building new companies will affect negatively the environment of rural areas especially causing pollution and more trash from the factories. This is because the increasing of companies' manufacturing will cause health deterioration also water and air pollution for the people who live around them. A research conducted in Littleton city stated that 127 people in a year have been infected by waterborne disease, including cholera, typhoid, and dysentery which are caused by drinking water containing infectious viruses or bacteria, which often come from industrial waste. This case means that rebuilds those industries just like moving the pollution from big cities to the rural regions.

To conclude, polluting the environment in rural regions and causing more rubbish from the industries far outweigh the supposed advantages of declining population in urban areas.
awe_28   
Feb 21, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2 - THE QUALITY OF PRODUCT IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN ITS COLOUR [2]

Colour is a powerful tool that is used to great effect by manufactures and retail companies when they try to sell us something. In fact, many of the purchasing decisions we make are partly or largely influenced by colour. How true is this statement? How much does colour influence us when we buy something?

Recently, colour has become popular issues in trade world. Some companies use colour as an attractive way to persuade costumers for purchasing their products. This essay will argue that even though colour can entice buyers' attention especially at the first glance, a great disposal is considerably influenced by the quality of production.

As the matter of fact, the majority of vendees tend to be interested by the product's colour in the fast look. This is because they will pay close attention to the goods which contain their favorite or interesting colour. Research conducted by Masahiro Kawasaki which used electroencephalography showed that the majority of people will focus on their favorite colour when various colours on a screen are presented before the participants purposefully turn their attention on it.

In reverse, there is an exception for this case which states that quality are the most essential factors for the purchasers since they want to use the object for long-term period. The costumers tend to purchase the equipment by focusing mostly on its good quality after checking the product rather than appearance. For instance, a recent survey in March 2014 found that 73% housewives buy a vacuum cleaner from Electric Suction Sweeper Company due to it has the best quality among the other companies rather than the others reasons.

The aforementioned evidence reveals that the quality of products is the predominant reason for people to buy them rather than the colour which is only pull costumer's interest in the beginning before they look more into the other factors.
awe_28   
Feb 21, 2016
Writing Feedback / The change of Stockfort village in 1930 and 2010 [5]

The picture illustrates about the Stokeford town change during 80 years. THE MAPS ILLUSTRATE THE ALTERATION OF STOKEFORD TOWN OVER 80-YEAR PERIOD. It is apparent from the information that THE village was developingDEVELOPED significantly with there was many housing and new road construct. SINCE THERE WERE LOTS OF NEW HOUSING AND ROAD CONSTRUCTED.
awe_28   
Feb 21, 2016
Writing Feedback / The aptitude test is a better alternative to the interview when hiring for a position in the company [2]

Most employers interview candidates before hiring them. Do you think this is the best way to do it? In your opinion, what is the best method for choosing employees?

In most case, an interview is usually becoming the common step that a candidate should pass before getting a job. This essay will argue that this is not the appropriate way to become the standardization in the company for selecting employees because it cannot show their true ability while I would suggest the aptitude test as the better alternative.

Recruiting workers by an interview has limitation since this method does not provided opportunity to show their preference. This is because it just tests applicant's communication ability and does not involve practical skill which leads poor performance especially for people who are not used for speaking. For example, the machine technicians will be clumsy when doing interview test since they only fix the devices and rare to socialize with the others which lead them not pass although they have better capability.

The best way to know the applicants' real skill is conducting the aptitude test by the authorities of company. This is due to the reason that this test is suitable for every person since they can show their true ability in front of the examiners. A recent poll conducted by U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics revealed that 73% of IT companies state that the aptitude test which asks candidates to make new programs is more effective rather than interviewing them.

The aforementioned evidence reveals that an interview is lack in some assessments which must be judged by the interviewer to provide best employee and an aptitude test would complete those weakness. 
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