Writing Feedback / Article Summary: If You're Trying to Get Pregnant, Here's What You Need to Know about Stress [2]

Hey!!

I'm making just a few changes. Hope it helps.

In this technological era, humans have made the best out of everything. Advances in health care, better lifestyles and a safe environment are some of the many. Yet despite this, infertility continues to emerge as a new burden.

An alarming number of couples today are infertile, mostly attributing to hormonal and genetic disorders. But another major cause is rising levels of stress, probably a direct consequence of our new lifestyle. According to a new study published in the journal Annals ...

The respondents of this study were 400 [...] were during less stressful months.
This shows a link between the emotional state of a woman and fertility. While further studies are being conducted to find more pressing data, in the meanwhile, exercise, meditation and other simple methods can be adopted to reduce stress levels and help in conception.

Writing Feedback / ..it's hard to live without it.. The advantages and disadvantages of the invented computer; [3]

Hello Samson!!

Making a few changes. Hope it helps!!
I would suggest Starting off the esay with the merits together and then later showing that despite these benefits, there are certain problems as well.

INTRO: Since the advent of the computer age, there has been a steady development in the standards of living. This has been attributed to an increased efficiency in work using computer technology.

Firstly, computers have an immense capacity to store data regarding various fields, acting as the ultimate database for knowledge. Further due to algorithm solving, heavy workloads are completed in a short span of time. Also, the user friendly nature of this technology has made life much easier. One of the few examples of this would be artificial Intelligence developed using computers, which are the basis for present day robots helping in a variety of industries

Now we talk about the demerits.

Yet, even with these immense benefits, certain demerits go hand in hand.
One of the biggest issues today with the development of computers and machines is that it leads to the elimination of a lot of jobs. Industrial equipments are slowly replacing the human workforce, simply because of increased efficiency, reduced time, and lower costs. This could lead to unemployment of many members of the middle and lower classes of the society.

To summarize, computers are an astonishing creation which has made life easier for the entire community, but vigilance is required with it's operation.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1. Six pie charts about water usage worldwide [4]

Hi Mariana13!!

The way you write this essay depends on what it's for. I'm presuming it's a regular school/college essay.

The Pie chart given below shows the distribution of water for agricultural, industrial and domestic usage in six major regions of the world.

Firstly, looking at the developing areas such as South America, Africa, Central and South East Asia, it is evident that major potion of the available water ie. over 70-80% is utilized for agriculture. Water for industrial and domestic use is only a small fraction of the whole. This gives us an idea about the majority of the population is involved in agriculture for the livelihood.

The developed regions such as North America and Europe show a different picture. The total available water is more uniformly distributed for all the fields, with maximum utilization by Industries. This indirectly tells us that most of the population is involved in skilled labour.

This chart thus makes the comparison of developed and developing nations easier using a simple modality like water usage.
--
Like Doel says above, you can add more content by stating the % of water utilized.

Writing Feedback / Total School Spending in the United Kingdom during three separate decades [3]

Hey Anabel.

Time distribution is very important. Firstly read up on the entire material given and then focus on your writing.
Once you have an idea on what to write, spend some time to make it sound more interesting. There should always be something that makes your essay stand out!

Even though you've summarized most of the information, it is very monotonous.

"For Example - The pie charts given above denote the variations in the expenditure pattern of a single school in the United Kingdom over the last 2 decades.

Most parameters have changed over this period.
The majority of the money is spent on teacher's salaries. It was 40% in 1981, which subsequently spiked to 50% in 1991 before finally reaching 45% in 2001. "

Use Synonyms where ever possible.
Good Luck :)

Writing Feedback / Increasing use of vehicles contributes to air pollution and leads to an overuse of natural resources [3]

Hey Maitouyen!!

Overall an ok essay.
I think your conclusion is pretty solid. But the introduction can be written in a better way.
The content seems to be less.

I've slightly modified the Introduction -
In the present day, the rising number of private vehicles on the roads have been a matter of great controversy. Some say it is a direct consequence of modernization and economic development, but is this really a boon?

In the content part of the essay is where you answer the question in detail. Write points in favor.
1) The increasing no of vehicles = More exhaust fumes = Direct damage to ozone layer in atmosphere and greenhouse effect.( Rising global temperature)
2) Increasing consumption and depletion of natural resources.

Other points include -
*Traffic congestion leading to noise pollution.
* Increasing Road traffic accidents, etc

Start the second part of the question with something like-
The problems associated with increasing private vehicles has dire consequences and needs prompt actions for it's control.

* Improving standards of Public transport and introduction of new means like metro rail lines.
* Carpooling
* Certain Govt. laws regarding the no. of vehicles per home. ( I think i read an article of the sort somewhere, so that can be one of the steps the govt takes to ensure less vehicles.)

Good Luck! :)

Writing Feedback / Being a man or a woman makes diffrence whether or not people can be excluded from a job [12]

Hi!

I think it's a pretty good essay. Just check out for grammatical errors.
The content is perfect. You've included valid arguments with scenarios in favor of these points.

You could maybe include points like-
Even though men and women have their own strengths and weaknesses by virtue of the sexual orientation, it is impossible to make generalization for the entire group. At the end of the day, it should be the skill, knowledge the qualification of an individual that determines his/her appropriateness for a job.

Every individual in the present era deserves equal opportunities. That is not something that needs to be given, it is their right!

Good Luck:)

Scholarship / How would SI Scholarship for studies in Sweden be valuable for the applicant? [6]

Hello!

The content seems fine. I would suggest using the term "applicant" instead of the name ( I'm presuming Missal is a name) as it would be formal and appropriate.

One major problem is that the entire draft uses two really big sentences. Each sentence forms an entire paragraph on it's own. While conjunction is an important tool, it should be used when necessary. So, do try and split them up.

A few changes that I think might be of help.

Para 1 -I personally believe that the SI scholarship shall expose the applicant....... in one of the most developed countries in the world, which gives utmost importance to sustainability. This will provide her with valuable knowledge to pursue......

Para 2 - Studying in Sweden....... professionals in the industry, especially with reference to an international context

Hope I was of help.
Good Luck :)

Writing Feedback / The process of producing cement and making concrete which is raw material from cement for building [4]

Hey Anabel!

The diagram shows the processes and the equipment involved in the manufacture of cement and concrete, which is used for building purposes.

Cement production begins with the crushing of raw materials such as ............ into a powder form and passing it to a mixer. Afterwards, the mixture is passed to a rotating heater which provides a constant supply of heat while continuing the mixing process. The end product is converted into a fine powder form using a grinder and the cement is packed into bags.

The production of concrete involves the use of cement....... ( Write their proportions as well). The components are all added to a concrete mixer which is continuously rotated to form concrete.

Concrete production differs from Cement in that it utilizes water in the manufacture process. Heat is only utilized for cement production. While cement is packed in powder form into bags, concrete is a semi solid mixture which in continuously rotated in the mixer.

Hope I was of help!!
Good Luck :)

Essays / Tips on writing a solid comparative essay when my two novels don't have enough similarities? [7]

Hello Jendeukie!!

The essence of comparative essay does not involve in only the similarities, but also includes the dissimilarities as well.

You can start your essay with what you've read ( If the essay is in first person narrative ). Briefly describe what the novels are all about, hidden messages and more importantly, what you understood from each of them. Your understanding of the novel is the key to completing this essay. Even if the novels are about two entirely different subjects, you can talk about the characters involved, the author's use of language and so on

After describing your understanding of the essay, proceed to what makes you think they're similar and what makes them different.
End the essay with how the novels have impacted you.

These are just some tips. What you want to write is totally upto you!!
We might be of more help if you specify what the novels are.

Good Luck with your assignment! :)

Scholarship / How would SI Scholarship for studies in Sweden be valuable for the applicant? [6]

Hello Messal!

I was'nt aware that you were writing this draft about yourself.
In such a case, it would be more apt to use the first person narrative.

Start the draft with a brief introduction about yourself ( what you've studied and accomplished until now), and then proceed on to how this opportunity will promote your academic and professional growth.

In first person narrative, it becomes-

*Intro sentences*. With the SI scholarship, I will be exposed to....

Once again, wishing you all the best for tomorrow!
Take care friend :)

Writing Feedback / Car Ownership increasing big traffic jams [4]

Hey Nur!
Like Holt said above, the introduction is mainly used to talk about the issue at hand and what view you hold regarding the matter.
Your ideas in support of your viewpoint as well as possible remedies come later.
The conclusion mainly, is where the remedies fit.

Regarding your solution to the problem, I feel that you've revolved the entire essay around the idea of increasing the cost and tax that accompanies the purchasing of a vehicle. While this is a good suggestion to tackle the problem, I cant help but notice that this solution effects only the middle and lower class individuals.

The upper sections of the society do not even come into the picture, which seems rather unfair and unjust. The wealthy will still be able to do as they please...

Nonetheless, it's still a very valid point and your ideas do matter.

You could maybe include points regarding-
1) Legislation regarding no. of vehicles per household.
2) Promote use of public vehicles.

(There was a recent incident in my country where due to massive pollution of a city, the government decided that all vehicles with odd numbers be on the roads on alternate days, while the ones with an even no. do so on the other alternate days.

This turned out to be a huge success and was applicable to every individual)

Other changes-
Remove the increasing tax line from first para.
Conclusion could be slightly better.

Good Luck! :)

Essays / Outline briefly your teaching context [3]

Hello!!

You can start of your essay with a brief introduction about yourself. ( Who you are, where you're from and so on.)

Then coming to the context of teaching, start off with what inspired or motivated you to become a teacher ( Why choose this profession over others - Talk about nobility, respect and honor in this field). Then continue the same para with your qualifications/degree as a teacher and what you've accomplished in your career so far.

The next para will be about your action plan. Start with what you hope to learn or imbibe through this program. Move forward with how this newly acquired knowledge helps you to grow professionally in your field while at the same time you can make a contribution to your community ( Like you said, talk about training your colleagues. This depends on what the mission/agenda of the program is.)

Finally end the statement by expressing your respect for the program and the gratitude you will have for being considered.

Write an essay based on these ideas. Once you're done I'll be happy to go through it and make tweaks and add additions.

Good Luck :)

Writing Feedback / "Spending all your free time studying is not a good idea" What's your opinion? Write an essay. [6]

Hello!!

The introduction is your power statement. It's the one thing that decides whether or not someone will truly be intrigued to read your essay.

But here, the opening statement is a paradox in itself. Firstly, the topic is a question giving you the choice to decide on which side you are willing to support and why. Simply stating that you agree with the topic does'nt add much sense.

Try stating which view seems more appropriate to you and then substantiate why.

Start with something like: Studying and Leisure are never go hand in hand. While some firmly adhere to this thought, others would certainly disagree. Personally, I believe that these two don't belong in the mix.

The next mistake I felt is that you have 4-5 distinct sentences. Instead you could divide the whole essay into
1) Introduction
2) Body - Why you support the side you chose. You could also try to include briefly the opposing views as well.
3) Conclusion - What message you want the reader to draw from your essay.

Body: Being social animals, we all have passions and hobbies and activities we love to do. Elaborate on ideas as to why this is important for an individual ( Emotionally and mentally healthy). You could also shine light into the adverse effects of studying alone without other activities ( Increasing suicide rates among students, mental health problems like depression)

Conclude your essay by saying that a balance of both education and leisure are needed to have a happy life.

Good Luck Sara!! :)

Writing Feedback / The Tabard Towers Theme Park - IELTS Writing Task 1 Sample [6]

Hello Afifah!

I would like to suggest certain grammatical errors.

Para 1- throughout the whole year (Throughout and whole represent the same idea.).
counted per months.
* I would suggest adding the last line of your first para to the beginning of the second para ( This needs to represent the chunk of the data you have acquired through the graph, while the first serves merely as an introduction.)

Para 2 - However, although (However and although again represent the same idea. I would suggest removing however and making this the first line of second para.) the first and the last quarter......

It was then followed by a steady increase to by almost doubling up...

Para 3 - After reaching the peak, the park's visitors.

Good Luck! :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 - Graph of employment rates in Australia, Switzerland, Iceland, UK, New Zealand, and US [3]

Hey Katya!

It's written well overall.

Start the description by speaking about the general picture : the rise in occupation among men and women in all countries where the survey was done. Then proceed with the specific and intricate changes in each country during the 20 year time gap while also providing comparison with the other countries.

Instead of using the term 'male rates/female rates' over and over, try using other terms such as employment among men/ women or other sentences. This helps to avoid repetition of phrases and emphasizes on the fact that you have a wide vocabulary.

Good Luck! :)

Writing Feedback / Problems and Solutions to the Increase in Number of Flights as a Result of Tourism (IELTS) [4]

Hello Jason!

I would just like to point out a few corrections.

In the first paragraph, just start with the introduction of the topic. Focus mainly on the rising demands for flights and don't start the solutions yet.

Your introduction could be made more interesting rather than simply stating facts.

A suggestion for the Intro : During the turn of the century, owing to the rise of travelers and tourists all over the world, more airplanes are providing service to meet the demand. A seemingly harmless solution to an increasing demand may have such dire consequences that effect not only us but future generations as well. The brunt of this action will be on the environment causing pollution as well as over exploitation of natural resources.

Your subsequent content and solutions are well written.

Good Luck! :)

Book Reports / The Nature of Humans: Violence. An analytical essay based on the short story "The Large Ant". [3]

Hello Davis,

It is a well written essay but like Holt said, it is merely stating the literal plot of the story. You need an in depth analysis of what the protagonist went through that led him to make a decision as such.

It does'nt have to be the exact emotion of what he went through, it's your interpretation of what he went through that matters.

For example - He must have seen a strange looking ant like creature and instinctively felt "threatened". It's not truly rational for a large man to be afraid of a much smaller creature, yet most of us are afraid of spiders, rats, snakes and so on. So maybe it's the fear of the unknown threat that this creature might inflict which causes him to lash out.

A correction in the last the last para - Ultimately it is in human nature to act .............. how savage and inhumane we as a species act towards ...

Do proofread your essay as well.

Good luck! :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing task 2 - Overpopulation problem and how to solve it [5]

Hey Ariza!!

I feel like you have some good ideas but this essay has room for a lot of improvement.

One thing that I have constantly being telling people is the pattern in which you present your ideas. It matters a lot.
Even though you did speak about a few hazards of overpopulation and have mentioned a solution, your essay is very haphazard. You have written about both the problems of overpopulation as well as control measures simultaneously.

It's best if you split your essay into 3 parts.

1) An introduction para - Here you simply introduce the topic at hand and it's relevance in the present day.
Simple Example-
" Overpopulation is a major issue in the modern world. It has a negative impact on health and development not just in the developing nations, but the affluent societies as well."

2) The Body of the essay - Focus now on answering the key questions in the essay. This is the major chunk of the essay.
a) Harmful effects of overpopulation - Effects on human health ( Overcrowding and increased risk of diseases and epidemics), quality of life (Poor housing, education and healthcare facilities to meet the needs of a large population) and on the environment ( Air and water pollution, noise pollution from traffic), etc

b) Simple solutions to overcome these negative impacts - This can be you concluding or third para.
- Educating the public regarding contraceptive use, promoting smaller family norm with incentives, and your other ideas ( workshop and economic flat)

In conclusion para talk about how this major issue effecting human lives can be controlled by these simple implementable solutions.

* There are a few grammatical errors in your essay. So pay attention on that as well.

Keep practicing and you'll do extremely well.
Good Luck! :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS writing task 1 - The two pie charts about the types of communication. [3]

Hello!

You've summarized almost all of the important data given. It's just a matter of better presentation.

I would suggest having an Introduction of around 2-3 sentences where you just talk about what the task is and what the parameters are. The statement beginning with "Overall..... " could be used as your conclusion para.

Example (INTRO) - The pie charts given below compare the modes of communication used in 1962 and 1982 in terms of percentage. The types of communication which is considered includes phone, computer and letter.

Speak then in detail about your analysis of the diagram-
The trend in 1962 followed by the trend in 1982. After this you compare and contrast these two periods. (The question does not ask the reason for the trend change, however I think it is good that you did in your essay).

In conclusion you talk about the major change ( ie. your "Overall, it is obvious....." statement )

Good Luck! :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 [direct question] Why do people want to research their family history? [5]

Hello!

You've done a fairly good job on the essay. There are certainly many interesting ideas.
While most of the essay to it's entirety talk about the benefits of of this trend, the arguments you have put forward for the negative impact does'nt seem that powerful to me.

I would suggest that you talk in favor of the trend, but it's always well to show what the shortcomings are because it shows that you are flexible in your thinking.

My suggestion for the same para - Searching for our roots can sometimes lead to more anguish than joy. The hurtful practices of the past such as slave trade and racial discrimination of people practiced by many affluent families is one such example. While learning about the family history may dig up a few skeletons along the way, it surely lets future generations learn from this mistake and lead better lives. ( In the above statement I have spoken about the same shortcomings that you have put above but in addition I have added how it benefits the present generation as well. This helps it again in favor of the trend)

There are a few grammatical errors as well. I suggest you analyze the essay again and do the needful.
The conclusion paragraph can be a bit longer or presented in a better way.

Good Luck! :)

Speeches / The value of money in the modern life [4]

Hello Thao!

Without stating the purpose of this essay, it becomes difficult for many of us to help you out.
As in, for what purpose is this written piece for? ( School, college application, personal statement or just an english based exam)

The beginning paragraph seems alright to me. It's a good introduction about how modern life influences our monetary habits. But, then in the second paragraph you abruptly started talking about your personal experience in the matter. It's always good to share your own life as a good example but the transition was not smooth.

Another issue I find in the essay is grammatical errors. The structures of a few sentences are wrong.
The conclusion sentence again confuses me. While the essay is about money spending habits, you have concluded by praising education. I would rather prefer the previous para as the conclusion with a few additional lines ( [G]This sentence- Money cannot satisfy....[/G]

I'll give you a quick sample example...

Intro - Modernization has made our lives comfortable and much more convenient. Higher standards of living go hand in hand with an increasing expenditure and to enjoy the benefits of this era, a reasonable spending and saving habit is quite essential.

Body Paragraph - Here talk about facts favoring your intro and on why this habit is essential. You can talk about increasing prices of various commodities like food and clothing to services like schools/ universities and hospitals. Then you can talk about your personal experience in the matter.

Conclusion- Stress again on why the habit is important. Money cannot satisfy all our needs nor can it buy happiness, but without money it's quite hard to live a decent life. Hence, controlling your income and expenses becomes quite important to live in the modern society.

Do the necessary changes and also from next time state the purpose of your work.
Good Luck! :)
'

Scholarship / An experience which has given me an opportunity to be a better leader in the future [10]

Hi Natasya!

You have put forward some very relevant and good ideas in this essay.
The main problem that I find is grammatical errors and incorrect usage of Tenses.

For Example - Para 1 : My leadership experience started during my early childhood ( Considering that you are in your early 20s, I felt childhood would be more appropriate). It was my parents who taught me the 3 golden leadership values : Management, responsibility and commitment ( The usage of manage, responsible.... is not apt).

You've written well about how you started off from small tasks and moved on to bigger assignments. Add more info on how these activities helped to inculcate new habits and qualities in you.

Eg- You talk about completing deadlines and making the client happy. Also mention that these activities helped you understand more about time management and so on.

You can always conclude with a statement saying that you greatly appreciate the opportunity if given the scholarship and would look forward to use your leadership experience in whatever field you plan to pursue.

So, all in all, do a grammatical check and change certain sentences.

Good Luck! :)

Scholarship / Respect and understanding are the cornerstone of any relationship. Chevening networking [2]

Hello Mai!

It would be highly appreciated if you mention the question or task given as it is. I'm presuming it revolves around the importance of Communication and Networking.

It's a fairly well written essay. You have started off with the importance of communication and Networking and then highlighted your own personal experiences in the matter and how it's helped you grow as a person.

I just feel that the structure of certain sentences needs to be changed and certain grammatical errors have to be corrected. It's always better to change a few words by using synonyms to show off your vocabulary.

Here are a few of my suggestions-
Para 1 - I love differn....... and I think differences are .... ..... and respecting diversity to deal with them.....
Para 2 - ......and dealing with that demands a certain skill and the more people you know, better skilled will you be
Para 3 - in my career.... as I have numerous relations with......... Attending medical conferences gave me a chance to meet ( Speak in first person narrative when talking about your experience)

DO NOT START A SENTENCE WITH "ALSO".
Para 4 - I also had an experience ....... when my friends and I decided .... better. We made a new plan ...... (If a sentence is becoming too long,

don't prolong it by adding commas or adjunctives)

There are additional grammatical errors and errors of the sort I have described above.
Try to include all the information about the student reunion that you organized into one paragraph.

The Last Paragraph is good but the sentence structure and grammar is flawed. Do the needful and you'll have a good written material.

Good Luck! :)

Scholarship / Leadership and Influence Chevening: On Film as a universal language of progress [5]

Hello Henricus!

Firstly I would like to say you've done a very good job with your film industry related work.
You have also written a good essay.

A few suggestions -
Para 1 : I have (Not had since you still like movies) always enjoyed watching movies since High School yet my love for....
Para 2 : ..... Film festival documenter was ....... We always received a huge number of film submissions to the festival...... I had to educate myself as well as my team........ from India, the Netherlands, Thailand and the United States.

After this I felt like you suddenly jumped onto the information about your own film. The transition was not smooth. Start talking about how you started your film and the work involved in bringing it up. Then talk about the achievement and how all the hard work paid off.

In your conclusion paragraph you can include a sentence on how the scholarship will help you to get to your goal.

Good Luck! :)

Undergraduate / Previous academic experiences and explanation for desire to transfer to Maryland [4]

Hello!!

Like it's said above, there are many grammatical errors. So, I would suggest you go through it once more before submitting it. On the whole, otherwise you have a good content.

Para 1 - Since the day I decided to join community college ( alternative - Use the word pursue instead of join ) I knew I wanted to become an electrical and computer engineer. For the next line, try to use another word instead of awesome. Research, Internship and other education related activities don't qualify as extra curricular activities ( ie. sports and recreation, etc) so don't mention it as the same.

Para 2- After exploring several schools and the programs they offer, I decided that UMD.......... was my top choice.

Para 3- During your visit, did you visit the alumni or faculty. They both mean different things so make sure you have the right one written.

The ECE program at UMD will perfectly meet my career interest and professional goals.

Writing Feedback / If you are required to obtain a second specialty, what specialty would you like to study and why? [3]

Hey!!

You have an overall well written material. I see one or two grammatical errors which I'm sure you are more than capable of correcting if you read through once more.

The only problem I do find is that you have'nt spoken about your first specialty at all. The essay prompts you to talk about how it would benefit you as a person in terms of adding on to and complementing your first specialty. While you have spoken of the general benefits of "Public Relations" in various sectors, do highlight how you personally and professionally hope to grow.

Good Luck! :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 2: Agree/Disagree Community Service as a part of study [2]

Hey!!

You have a well written essay. I have a few suggestions to improve on your material.
It's always better to write your essay in three paragraphs.

Your first para is the "Introduction" - Here you just introduce the topic. It can be just a brief introduction ( Basically reemphasizing the question statement ). This will help you to add more material to your next paragraph which is the main content/body of the essay.

Whenever I write an essay, I start on an unbiased and impartial note and then talk about the side I support. For example - Masses consider that non-profit society activities should be implemented at the senior high school level. While most people consider this an important component in a well rounded education of a good human being, others consider this as a useless front and even call it child abuse. Personally I believe it is a very good idea.

Second Para - Emphasize and write in detail what people on both sides of the argument might be thinking.

Third Para - This is your conclusion statement, where you write at the end of your analysis, why you chose to support your viewpoint based on the merits.

This will present your ideas in a more systematic way. Also, just read through your essay and correct grammatical errors.

Good Luck! :)

Writing Feedback / Consumer Spending Trends and Statistics [2]

Hello Kien!

It's very hard to judge your work without the graph/chart for analysis. Make sure you upload it the next time.

It's always best to present your findings in a more systematic and comprehensive manner.
In your introduction paragraph, while you spoke about the countries involved, you failed to mention the 3 categories under which the study was done. ( Which only after reading the whole essay I'm guessing to be 1: Food, drinks and Tobacco 2: Leisure and education 3: clothing and footwear. )

Your next paragraphs should be the detailed analysis of the graph. You have also presented very little numerical data, but then again, I can't be sure without the graph.

In the first line of your last para, it has to be Spain spent the lowest OR the Spanish people. ( Spain is the country while spanish apllies to the people or language )

Keep on practicing and you will get better in no time.
Good Luck! :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 2: cause &solution- anti-social behavior and lack of respect to others [3]

Hey Kuan!

Break down your essay into three paragrahs. Introduction, body and conclusion/ending paragraph.
When you get a question, always spend a few minutes to get all your ideas for the essay and jot it down somewhere. After you have sufficient material, you need to organize and present it well. Even if you have some amazing ideas and points in your essay, it is likely to be unnoticed or missed out if the reader finds the material presented haphazardly.

So based on this suggestion, your starting paragraph will address only the problem at hand and the magnitude of the problem, and not mention the cause or your solution to it.

Your second paragraph is your content paragraph where you describe the problem in detail. Here you will elaborate what you think are the causes for the rise in Anti social behaviour ( ie. Stress and processed food consumption according to you ). You can speak more about the stress ( as in, why is school or work stressful. Eg - Multiple exams in schools and less focus on extra curricula activities, Bad economy and people afraid of losing their jobs, excess working hours, etc ).

In the final paragraph, you will offer the strategies you think can tackle this situation effectively and how they can do so.

Focus in your sentence framework and grammar as well. Don't forget to mention the word limit next time.

Keep practising!!
Good Luck! :)

Writing Feedback / Should women have the right to join the army? Their motherhood role may be affected. IELTS question [2]

Hey Jawad.

You certainly have some interesting ideas for the essay.
The errors that I find are mainly grammatical. Sort that out and you have in your hands a good essay.
Keep reading more books and other written material. That will help you with sentence construction and appropriate grammar use.

I'll correct Para 1 for you -
... equality has not be settled yet yet been settled OR been settled yet.
... have the same rights as men ...

Para 2 -
... to limit an individual's career
... They believe that if women (...) everyone should has have ...
... affects young female's girl/ woman's mentality when ...

Some sentences are too long as well. You could always split them up. No need to keep adding commas and prolonging it.

Just keep practicing.

Good Luck! :)

Writing Feedback / Essay: A TRIP TO THE COUNTRYSIDE - the most amazing experience I ever had [3]

Hey!

It's always better if you mention what this essay is for.... as in School essay ( Creative Writing) , Graduate essay, an Exam, etc.

Organizing your essay is a very important thing. Spend a couple of minutes to jot down your ideas and content material and then give it an appropriate start and ending para.

There is room for a lot of correction.

Start the essay by mentioning the place. As in, you went to a particular place or village called *****.
You have explained the content in a very stiff way, like just plain data. Use more words and show off your vocabulary instead of just directly describing an event. There are websites like Thesaurus which will help you with synonyms.

Do correct the grammatical errors.

Writing Feedback / Space travel vs environment problems? which one is important? PTE [2]

Hey!

You have a good essay. Nice use of vocabulary and your ideas are put well together.
There are however a few silly grammatical errors. Make sure you focus on that.

Para 1 - group of people believes ....... However others believe that many environmental issues need to be prioritized over space travel. ....... pleased to discuss with two reasons....

Para 2 - To begin with, the Environmental problems...... have even gone extinct due to the self centered activities of humans. ( It's better to attribute the mistake to our entire race rather than blaming it on a few. I think all of us have a part in this.)

Para 3 - This statement regarding the Earth moving towards the Sun is not backed up by "Proven Scientific Data". So, please do check on this. If you are sure about the authenticity of this claim, then go ahead with it.

Good Luck! :)

Writing Feedback / People have a tendency to think that Art and music are too trivial compared to others subjects [3]

Hello.
I really like your essay. You have some really good ideas and have presented it well.
Few grammatical errors here and there, and it's also better to have the essay in three paragraphs.... Introduction, Body and your conclusion statement.

Grammatical corrections -
Para 1 - tendency to think that these subjects ....
Para 2 - even lead to high suicidal rates ......
Para 3 - until their teachers found that in them........ not realizing the gift they were given ( Past Tense)
It would make your essay better if you can quote one or two of these artists who were discovered by their teachers. It will certainly add more credibility to your statement.

However, I strongly believe that well-rounded education, involving music and art play a key role in student's overall success and discovering a talent. - I feel like this statement can be a perfect conclusion statement.

Good Luck! :)

Writing Feedback / Gift giving should not be encouraged because of waste. What extent do you agree or disagree with it? [2]

Hello!

You have some good ideas for the content, but the structural framework of most sentences are incorrect and I note quite a few grammatical errors.

I'll do a quick correction for you.

Intro Para Most people say that giving presents should not be encouraged, because the receiver might not want or like it resulting in wastage. However, another group of people think that it represents a lovely gesture and is to be appreciated. I personally support the second view point.

Body Para A gift when given to a wrong person or when forced on someone out of sheer formality becomes a burden and a waste. This behaviour should be curtailed and not the idea of gifting people. Gifts are given to loved ones on special occasions such as birthdays, weddings, anniversaries, etc. This gift brings joy and happiness to the person receiving it. Gift giving promotes positive emotions and creates wonderful memories for people and every bit of money spent becomes worthwhile.

Conclusion Para Giving is gift is a wonderful behaviour that needs to be nurtured and promoted, not because of the value of the gift, but for the spiritual and emotional meaning it holds in the lives of people.

You can add more points in the Body paragraph. It's always better to split your essay into an introduction, a body and a conclusion paragraph which makes it more concise and specific.

Just keep reading a lot of books and work on your grammar and sentence framework.
Good Luck! :)

Writing Feedback / The chart shows the average class size class in 6 countries [3]

Hello!
I like the fact that you have an introduction paragraph before you jump into the bar graph details, but as said in the above comment you have repeated the data in rough figures only but have failed to compare and contrast the same.

I also feel like some word structures, grammar and tense usage is incorrect and would ask you to focus more in these areas as well.

I've done a quick review and will show you some errors that I have noted.

... and in overin over the world averag. Overall, South Korea had holds a majority of inclass size, ... the lowest in among the six countries.

... the global average primary's children of children in primary school.
.., pupils went to attended primary school ...
... show similar patterns of use .

This duration (incorrect word usage - "duration" is not apt) in Japan was ...

You have done a decent job in putting forth this essay. There is much room for improvement though.
Good Luck! :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS writing task 1 - line graph of waste produced [3]

Hey Kim!

You have described the data provided in the line graph with comparison among the three companies but you have failed to mention the data for years 2010 and 2015.

The main errors I find in the essay are grammatical ones. Another thing to consider, is the sentence framework.

Sample correction -

The line graph given below illustrates the amount of waste produced by three companies over a span of 15 years starting from 2000 to 2015. units Waste is are measured in tonnes.

... true for the figures for of company C.

Next time, just go through the whole data once more.
Good Luck! :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 2: Discuss opinion about the developments of AI. [2]

Hey!!

It's a fairly good essay.

There's a good progression from the introduction to highlighting about the drawbacks and then the advantages of technology in the lives of humans in the future.

What I felt is that while you did put in a lot of content and even include "a possible war between humans and machines" , the advantages fell short in comparison somewhere, especially considering that in the end you were in favour of technological advancement.

Even your introduction paragraph led me to believe that you supported that we as humans were not well equipped to handle the situation.
You can either add more points or ideas in favour of the advantages or maybe strengthen up the conclusion statement.

I've done a quick grammatical and word sentence framework check.

Remember to always stick with the word limit.

Good Luck! :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Discuss the issues associated with people aging longer and give possible measures. [2]

Hello!

You have put forward a fair essay, but here are the drawbacks that I can find.
I will try to offer a few suggestions.

Firstly, always try and divide your essay into an introduction, a body and a conclusion paragraph.
This will help you to put forward your ideas in a concise manner and it would also be easier for the examiner to go through it.

Introduction means only to introduce the problem. Talk about the distribution and burden of the problem. DO NOT OFFER MEASURES TO REDUCE THE PROBLEMS WITH AGING HERE AS IT WILL BE PART OF YOUR ESSAY BODY.

Your introduction paragraph here "The main problem this causes is a burden in national finances and the most viable solution is a public awareness campaign boosting young citizens' effort to ease this financial pressure.", according to me would have been a good body or conclusion/ending statement.

Another issue I notice is that you have spoken only about financial burden as the problem and not highlighted any other issues.

I would suggest you to think of what are the other problems associated with increasing life span -
Example : Increasing burden on the health care system due to more cases of dementia, fractures from trivial falls. Poor quality of life of these aging individuals and so on.

Introduction - All over the world, the average life span of individuals has been increasing due to the human development and higher standards of living. As the life span increases, it comes with it's own set of problems and burden to society.

Body of Essay - This is where you talk about all the problems associated with increasing age. List all the problems you can think off and then offer suitable solutions.

You can use your existing essay, but just add up points to it.

Conclusion - Highlight the main idea and conclusion drawn from your essay.

Good Luck!! :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing task 2: Alternative forms of transport should be encouraged to control car ownership [3]

Hello!
You have some good thoughts with your essay. Here are a few small suggestions I have for you.

I think your essay would be a little better if you can include all the detrimental effects of increasing vehicles on roads. In your essay, the only problem highlighted is air pollution. If you add a few more things to support your perspective, that will better highlight why we need alternate modes of transport.

Examples include- Air pollution, traffic congestion, noise pollution, finite nature of fossil fuels, global warming, etc and how these negatively impact human health and irrevocably damage the environment.

After highlighting the problem with cars, move on to alternate solutions - Public transport, cycling or walking for short distances ( improves health by reducing obesity), solar or electric powered vehicles, increasing taxes with more than one vehicle per household, etc.

This will make it a well balanced essay.
The facts that you have given about better planning of cities and added an example of how Canada as a country tackled it's problem is very good.

If you have any further queries, don't hesitate to ask.
Good Luck! :)

Writing Feedback / The national news should be prioritized over international news as it may relate to our daily lives [2]

Hey!
You have some good ideas with respect to your essay.I have a few suggestions that I feel can help you.
The major problem I feel is grammatical errors or errors in use of tense in certain places.
Another thing I wanted to point out is the careful use of conjunctions. Make sure your sentences don't become unnecessarily long because of using too many and also don't start a sentence with one.

It's also always better to organize your ideas and present them into discrete paragraphs before writing your essay.
Para 1 - Introduction into the topic and which side appeases to you.
Para 2 - Dive into the heart of the topic. The above IELTS task asks you to explore both sides. What advantages national media holds and then how does it vary from the international kind, the ill effects of both and how they compare, etc.

Para 3 - You reiterate your reason for picking the side you choose in a simple sentence or two as your conclusion para.

Your essay just needs a little more work to make it an excellent one.
Practice makes perfect.
Good Luck! :)