Undergraduate / UBC Personal Profile - Tell us about who you are - "Not a Prodigy Runner" [3]

@kyliemwong
Hi there. Good luck with your application! Here's my take on your writing; I hope it gives you an idea on how to improve this essay.

Firstly, you have to better the transition between these two paragraphs. Because you merely glanced over the brief introduction in the first paragraph, it didn't really establish a proper link to the second paragraph where the core message of the writing is. For instance, try to insert a small phrase or sentence in the first paragraph where you briefly tackle what you will be expounding in the latter parts.

In order for you to still be consistent with the word count limitations, try to be more elaborate with what you're trying to reiterate. For instance, the second paragraph shouldn't be overtly clustered with unnecessary details - rather, it should be a straightforward story-telling that prioritizes which details should be incorporated (and which should be left out).

Undergraduate / Difficult class - Colgate University's supp essay [2]

@alta
Hi there as well! I'm going to give you feedback on your writing that'll hopefully help you in the future.

Overall, I don't think that there's anything that's grandly wrong about your writing. The flow of writing is there, and it's quite put-together. What I have noticed, however, is that you make small mistakes that collectively can affect how formal the writing appears. For example, the way that you use your quotations throughout the writing appears to be slightly off-putting because you didn't necessarily use the appropriate formatting and placement of punctuation. Try to review these guidelines for the next time that you write.

The last sentence should also be revised because it appears to be a run-on sentence that doesn't follow the conventions of writing.

Graduate / Exhausted and Disappointed with the failed efforts! SOP for PhD Biomedical Engineering [2]

@AGeek
Hey, thanks for coming to the forum! I hope my feedback helps you out.

First and foremost, the first paragraph appears to be rather flimsy when it comes to answering the main questions that were presented to you by the university. I heavily recommend that you stick with writing content that's concise and clear in trying to lay out the details, especially because anything that goes far from this can be rather off-putting for your writing. For instance, move the last sentence of the paragraph to the first one - this will give your writing a lore more direction because the readers won't be left on hold.

Furthermore, I think that you should work on enhancing the formality of your writing. If we take a glance at the second paragraph, it is obvious how you were unable to utilize a more academic formatting when you're trying to lay on the table your background details. Incorporating the appropriate punctuation marks will help you become a lot more substantive in the long-run.

Work on balancing out the lengths of your paragraphs too for the same purpose. The second to the last paragraph is too lengthy, especially in comparison to the conclusion - which, I argue, is the most critical part of writing and shouldn't be left hanging loosely.

Research Papers / Economical and Environmental Effects of Electric Cars [2]

@MAT2162764
Hi there. Welcome to the forum! Because you're new here, I hope that this feedback will help you in the long-run in your future endeavors.

Generally speaking, I appreciate the flow of your writing. The placement of the in-text citations appear to be rather tasteful and not out of the place. This is going to be a great contributing factor to your writing because you won't appear to be too out-of-the-context.

What I do recommend, however, would be to try and make your sentences a bit more concise. I have observed that you have a clear-cut tendency to have rather lengthy sentences, making it even more difficult to dissect the writing through its core values and thoughts. For example, the fourth paragraph's second to the sixth sentences all display this idea in your text. I would heavily recommend sticking with something that has more weight onto it.

Writing Feedback / Group traveling is the best way to travel [3]

@Krystal318
Hi. Thanks for being a consistent part of the forum! I hope that my feedback gives you insight on how to improve your writing.

Firstly, that first paragraph still lacks proper substantiation. After the first introductory sentence, you should have briefly expounded on the reason why safety is imperative. Give a briefing on what is happening in status quo with regards to the securing of safety for long-term purposes.

When we tackle the latter parts of the writing, the second paragraph lacks substantiation in the same regard. Taking a look at your writing closely, the second sentence up to the fourth appears to flow with the same core thoughts. In the long-run, this means that you aren't dealing with a lot of depth in writing because you were merely rephrasing without adding context and concrete real-life examples on the overall writing. Try to be more distinctive in your writing.

The conclusion draws in the same concerns. If we take a glance here, it is observable how your writing still needs to be substantiated more. Try to stray away from vague statements and stick with something more substantive.

Undergraduate / Problem-solving passion - U of Waterloo Data Science AIF Question [2]

@emilywang2002
Hi there. Thanks for being a part of the forum! I hope that this feedback will give you an idea on how to improve your writing.

I heavily recommend that you spend the first sentence of this paragraph attempting to be more straightforward in answering the question posed to you. For instance, since they are requiring that you expound on your educational goals, the first sentence should instead be the second one that you have one, considering that one answers their question more immediately. Doing this will hook the readers because they're not lured in by any excessive and descriptive words that do not actually hold value.

Instead of mentioning how this will "grow your passions", try to stick with something more concrete. Mention just what sets the university apart in the most technical way possible. This will surely help your writing become a lot more substantive for depth purposes.

Writing Feedback / In many countries imprisonment is the most common solution to crimes. Ielts 2 [2]

@tamminh
Hi there. Welcome to the forum! I hope my feedback gives you insight on how to improve your writing.

First and foremost, the first paragraph is a bit bland because of the lack of substance. When we take a look at, for instance, how you transitioned from the second sentence to the third, it doesn't necessarily pull the strings of the readers. What I recommend is trying to ease the flow of your writing. The second sentence appears to be a rather biased perception; try to always ensure that you have a balanced approach to writing.

I have also observed that you still lack incorporating depth into your writing. When we take a glance at the body paragraphs, it is observable how you did not incorporate substantive and concrete information that would create more definition to the examples that you were placing in your writing.

The conclusion also lacks the same weight onto it, especially because you did not have a briefed analysis on what should be anticipated in the entirety of the writing.

Best of luck!

Writing Feedback / The quantity of water usage by different ways in the world and water consumption in Brazil and Congo [2]

@roswita116
Hi there. Welcome to the site! I am hoping that the feedback you receive here will be useful for your endeavors.

First and foremost, I think that you could have merged together the first two paragraphs to create a more comprehensive introduction to your writing. If you are able to merge these two together, you'll come up with a more substantive writing that'll help you enhance your overall work.

When tackling the latter parts of the essay, I think that you can still improve the third paragraph by compartmentalizing the details of the years that you were trying to illustrate. If you are able to do this, you'll have a more enhanced approach to writing in the long-run.

Writing Feedback / IELTS writing task 2 The media should report about famous or ordinary people? [3]

@isshi
Hi there. Welcome to the forum! Thanks for coming to the site. Hopefully, my feedback will give you insight on how to improve your writing.

I appreciate the writing approach that you have in the first paragraph. It was quite straightforward, making it easier to interpret the writing.

In the latter parts of the writing, the general issue that I have is mostly related to the transition between your sentences. Noticeably, the second to the third paragraphs are both quite inconsistent in the provision of information throughout your writing. While there's nothing fundamentally wrong with your writing itself, I have noticed that certain parts can appear to be rather baffling because of the method that you transition from one logical statement to another.

Writing Feedback / "Individuals should not be allowed to carry guns as it increases crime and violence in society". [3]

@Trunggrasshopper
Hi there. Welcome to the site! I hope that you learn something from the platform.

Firstly, the first paragraph is still lacking. From the get-go, it was noticeable how the writing itself doesn't have substantial details throughout. The first paragraph doesn't have sufficient details ingrained into it. You were unable to show what the thesis statement actually is here - and this can impede the overall context of your writing because you cannot fully explain what the direction of writing will be.

Furthermore, try to have a more structured and organized writing approach. The first sentence of the second paragraph appears to be rather flimsy because of its manner of construction. This goes the same with the last sentence of this paragraph.

The conclusion also needs to be worked on. Bear in mind that you have to be clearer with what you are intending to relay throughout.

Letters / Write to Matt and tell him what you will do to improve your English in this new school year. [2]

@Archie97
Hey, welcome here. Hopefully, my feedback is sufficient in giving you insight on how to improve your writing for the long-run.

First and foremost, try to present sturdier introductions to your writing. For example, omitting small lines such as "I think" will heavily influence the rest of your writing. These particular phrases do not show a bolder portrayal of writing because they are quite flimsy when you place them onto your writing. Try to use more concrete wordings when you are establishing the fundamental details of your writing.

Furthermore, intertwining the sentences in a smoother manner would also help enhance the overall writing that you have. If we take a look at the second paragraph, it is noticeable how the first sentence itself doesn't flow well because of how "run-on" it appears to be. Focus more on the entire flow of writing.

Writing Feedback / Separating students which cause problems from others in a school [2]

@Dogmidoo
Hey. Welcome here! I hope that this feedback helps you somehow.

First and foremost, you still lack the appropriate level of formality in your work. For example, the usage of transitions, punctuation marks, and the general flow of writing all give away that you are still unable to provide a concrete written approach. When you're trying to elaborate a specific part of your essay (say, for instance, the second paragraph's second sentence), you should consistently focus on adding depth to the main thoughts that you are laying out in the open.

Furthermore, the concluding remarks that you currently have are insufficient. You cannot merely just give out rhetorical statements, especially if you truly want to have a more focused approach to writing. Also, the last sentence that you had in your conclusion was particularly baffling because of the direction that you were dragging the work itself. Be more specific; be bolder when writing.

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 2: the income is a fundamental factor whenever making decision on choosing a job [2]

@munomita
Hi there. Welcome to the forum. Hopefully, all of the feedback you receive here will be useful for your writing endeavors. Should you have more questions, don't hesitate to approach us for additional information.

The first paragraph needs a bit more work. You were unable to fully establish here what the purpose of your writing is. I have noticed that you immediately jumped into giving out opinions without necessarily providing a substantiated formatting. Try to always stick with a firmer introduction to establish the credibility for the rest of your writing.

Furthermore, the opening words that you had used in your body paragraphs (second and third) are quite baffling because of the lack of correlation between the two. Typically, when people use "on the one hand" the next paragraph should have somewhere along the lines of "on the other hand" (however, these are not necessarily bold at the end of the day; you still need to substantiate).

The conclusion also needs to also be enhanced with more elaborate detailing. It is insufficient to just have two sentences to explain the bulk of your content. Try to always be steadfast when you are writing.

Research Papers / The Impacts of Science Fiction on Technology [2]

@Shiva_kh
Hi there. Welcome to the forum! Hopefully, my feedback will give you insight on how to improve your writing. Like always, don't hesitate to approach us should you have additional questions.

I think that the primary concern I have with your writing is how bloated it is with unnecessary details. When we take a glance at your body paragraphs, it is noticeable how you had been plugging in a lot of unnecessary details. The second paragraph is a good evidence of this. Try your best to consistently stick with only what is essential.

Next, I think that you need to work more on the overall trajectory of your writing. If we take a quick glance to the transitioning between paragraphs, it is noticeable how you were unable to incorporate a more structured and organized approach to presenting details of your writing. For example, the insertion of the quotation from Albert Einstein appears to be a rather odd part of the writing; you could have easily omitted this part of writing to ensure that you are delivering the message with ease.

Undergraduate / Personality essay who you are and what makes the person who you are [2]

@Dinaol1234
Hi there. Welcome to the forum! I hope that this feedback gives you clarity on what you need to do to improve your writing in the long-run.

First and foremost, while I appreciate the first parts of the paragraph, you were unable to provide a firm response to the initial question that was presented by the essay's requirements. The initial question that was proposed was "who am I?" - throughout your writing, you were giving out descriptions of yourself without necessarily giving out a straight answer. Remember that the first sentences should always try to answer this question, especially if you are working with such elaborate content.

The latter parts of your writing should also be treated with the same regard. Focus more on the transition that you have in between your writing. It is critical that you are able to show that you are linked with the values that you presented as reflections of yourself. Rather than focusing too much on these values, try to focus more on the experiences that you've encountered and then stitch everything altogether in a well-mannered and intended conclusive paragraph.

Writing Feedback / The study of current students [2]

@Tranthuytrang
Hi there! Welcome to the forum. Hopefully, my feedback will give you insight on how to improve your writing. Don't hesitate to ask for more questions should you have more inquiries.

First and foremost, the written work itself is quite bland and lacking in substance. At the core every essay should be a level of proficiency in explaining the depth of your opinion. When you try to introduce a new idea (ie. like what you did your third sentence), always do your best to incorporate a more standardized approach in writing to assist you in the long-run.

Remember that it would be helpful if you writing would still follow the conventional introduction -> body paragraphs -> conclusion formatting, especially when you are working with such bulky content like this. Always try your best to ensure that you are writing with ease.

Writing Feedback / Parental pressure: parents put too much pressure on their children [2]

@Winter
Hi there! Thanks for being a consistent part of the forum. Hopefully, this feedback will give you insight on how to improve your writing.

Firstly, the first paragraph of your essay is put-together. I commend how you were able to have a concise and straightforward approach to writing, especially because this is a critical aspect to look over when you are writing with ease.

What you can do still to improve your writing would be is to work on your concluding remarks. While you had a solid foundation in your body paragraphs, I heavily suggest working on the concluding remarks because of the lack of substantiation on this part. While it is not necessarily firmly critical that you have an extended conclusion, at least having a bulk of your writing here profiled properly would give the readers a better idea of the actual lasting opinions/thoughts that you want to portray in your writing.

Writing Feedback / Presence of teachers and student learning - computers cannot replace teachers [2]

@lamnguyen
Hi there. Thanks for being a part of the forum! Welcome here. Hopefully, my feedback will give you better insight on how to improve your writing.

First and foremost, try to have a more balanced approach when writing. For instance, the introduction and conclusive remarks both are lacking. You have to provide a firmer approach to writing, especially when you are trying to expound on the necessary details.

Try to also shorten your sentences when you're writing. For instance, the second and third paragraph have a lot of lengthy content. Try to omit the usage of unnecessary terms and descriptors that don't always improve the depth of your essay. If we take a glance at the second paragraph, it will be noticeable how midway through the writing, you were already straying away from the core message that you wanted to portray.

Furthermore, the third paragraph's first sentence needs to be trimmed down a bit more. Try to be more concise when you are writing.

Graduate / Masters application for Mechanical Engineering - big step of my professional career [3]

@SSUfasjbnf
Hi there. Thanks for coming to the forum! Hopefully, this feedback will give you insight on how to improve your writing.

First and foremost, the initial parts of your essay are alright. I find that the formality is sufficient because you were clear with the intent of your writing. Despite of this, you needed to incorporate a more clarified approach towards writing, especially in the first sentences of the second paragraph. I have noticed that, in this particular part of writing, I have noticed that you were already blabbering about your childhood.

Furthermore, when you're trying to reason out why you have chosen this particular country, I recommend that you need to be able to provide sufficient evidence of why this specific university is best for your standard. I think that, while you were able to showcase why Germany is your goal country, you need to be able to reason out why in this specific university. This would certainly improve and enhance your overall written work.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 - problems and solutions of getting enough exercise in cities. [3]

@lorimyl
Hi there. Good luck on your upcoming IELTS examination! Hopefully, my feedback will give you an idea on how to improve your writing.

First and foremost, the first part of your writing has to be extended. I find that it is insufficient to have such a brief introduction towards what the main points of your essay. You have to clearly state what the purpose of the writing is. This, hereafter, should be intertwined with other smaller details that will be found throughout your writing.

Furthermore, the latter parts of the essay also have to be treated with this regard. On top of that, it is essential that you are able to integrate more concrete examples throughout your writing. After you write out a particular statement, it will be truly helpful if you can supplement information on clarifying the intent of your essay.

Lastly, the conclusive remarks have to be improved as well. You need to be able to expound more on what the analysis of your writing will be.

Undergraduate / My nine years younger brother - UBC application [2]

@unigirl123
Hi there. Welcome here! I hope this feedback gives you an idea on how to improve your writing.

First and foremost, the writing itself appears to be rather unhinged on the criteria that is expected of you. Through reading just the title of what you should be tackling, I feel as though it is critical that you establish why your brother plays a critical part in your life. Before you start storytelling, give this out as sort of a thesis statement. This will help heavily with your writing because it will improve the flow of writing.

Furthermore, the removal of redundant details should also be implemented throughout your writing. If we take a look at your composition, there seems to be story-telling portions (especially certain ages) that appear to be just repetitions of the ones before it. Make sure that all of the details you are placing onto the writing are all essential details - this will help your writing become a bolder.

Writing Feedback / The animals should not be kept in the zoos - such isolation is harmful for them [2]

@jorash
Hi there. Welcome to the forum! Hopefully, my feedback sheds light on how you can improve your writing.

First and foremost, I find that the transition between the paragraphs to be slightly ineffective because of the lack of organic transition. What I would prefer to see more of a diverse and innovative approach when you are writing. This will definitely boost and/or enhance the writing's overall trajectory.

Furthermore, when you're giving out examples to back your data, try your best to stick with information that is based from concrete data. This will help improve the essence and core values that you are trying to promote in your writing.

Taking things further, I also recommend that you work on your concluding remarks. This portion should go beyond merely giving out a personal opinion on the topic. Rather, this should be an extended analysis on what you have discussed in the body parts of the writing.

Best of luck.

Writing Feedback / HOW TO LEARN ENGLISH EFFECTIVELY [2]

@ngthuhien
Hi there! Welcome to the forum. Hopefully, my feedback will give you insight on how to improve your writing.

From the get-go, the composition appears to be messy because of the lack of compartmentalization in between paragraphs. You had one wall of text rather than integrating a more subtle and transitioned approach to writing everything out. Try to secure a more standard writing approach. Remember that 3 to 5 sentence is sufficient (and is recommended) for the length of a paragraph.

Furthermore, your usage of punctuation needs to be solidified as well. I have noticed that, especially when you were quoting, you had a tendency to misuse certain quotations, making it even harder to comprehend the written work itself. If you ought to have a more standardized writing approach, this will enhance your writing a lot to make it appear more academic (which is better for the evaluators themselves).

When you're using examples, try to also stick with concrete samples that are not easier to digest and fathom. Don't put out quite alienating content, especially if you're working with an evidence-based written work.

Writing Feedback / Popular hobbies and interests as a reflection of trends and fashions [2]

@snowflake817
Hi there. Thanks for coming to the forum! Sorry for the delay. Hopefully, this feedback still somewhat helps you in your writing endeavors.

First and foremost, the first paragraph you have curated is put-together. I appreciate how the composition itself showed how dedicated you are to writing, and how you ought to maintain a steadfast and clearer understanding of what the readers should anticipate from your text.

What I do find that you can work on is the transitioning in between of your paragraphs. For example, your movement from the second to the third appeared to be bumpy because of the lack of logical linkage between the two. What I suggest is trying to bump an explanation in the last sentence of the second paragraph to somewhat help with the smoother transition.

The conclusion also appears to be a bit hanging in the open. There's a lack of firmness in the concluding sentence by the end. Try to curate a more formal approach to closing your writing.

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 2: the lack of basic interpersonal skills among workers - causes and solutions [2]

@nguyenvanhieucf
Hi there. Welcome to the forum. Hopefully, my feedback will give you insight on how to improve your writing. Please don't hesitate to approach me once more should you have more questions.

First and foremost, I find that the transition in between your paragraphs needs to be more solidified in order to reflect better the purpose and intent of your writing. When we take a look at the comparison of the theme behind the first paragraph and the body ones, you can easily find that you would need to link better the major thoughts. You can easily do this by inserting in the body paragraphs a briefing on how correlated the details are.

There's also a severe imbalance in writing, considering that your conclusive remarks were still lacking. It is insufficient to have two sentences for a conclusion, especially because you need to be working with larger scopes.

If you can cancel these two out, the work itself is already decently put-together.

Research Papers / Research essay on the topic of The Salem Witch Trials [2]

@hodaym89
Hi there. Thanks for being a part of the forum! Hopefully, this feedback will help you in the future.

First and foremost, the first paragraph is quite repetitive because of the continuous usage of the full term Salem Witch Trials. Due to this reason, it has been harder to sort of discern the flow of text from the get-go. What I recommend is that you try to evade the usage of repetitive language, especially when you're working with academic essays. Using replacements will go a long way for you - just try it out.

Furthermore, I find that the structure of the composition is still a little bit confusing. There's no particular method of going and transitioning in between your content, making it harder for your essay to be divulged. I recommend trying to be more focused on having an organized writing rather than on giving out details.

I'm also a tad bit confused with regards to the citation formatting. The usage of last names is typically found in MLA and Chicago formatting. This particular formatting should not have a comma in between the author's last name and the page number. Bear this in mind.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL Independent Essay Sample (Small university in countryside vs. big university in city) [2]

@Sunrise011
Hi there. Thanks for coming back to the forum! Hopefully, my feedback will be beneficial for you.

First and foremost, the first paragraph lacks its fullness because you were unable to distinguish the core values that you should be promoting in the text. If you can give out more specific details, this will help improve the overall flow of your writing.

As for the body of the text itself, I have observed that certain parts of your writing still need to be substantiated and balanced out. Notice how your second paragraph appears to quite just hanging out there without a particular purpose. Try to always structure your writing this manner: thesis statement - body - conclusive remarks. In this manner, you will be able to have a more structured and prioritized approach to writing.

Transitioning from one paragraph to another should also be improved. Try to be more specific when you can to evade being too loose in the meaning of your content.

Research Papers / Research writing assignment on influence of family and friends on teenagers [2]

@ngochong0258
Hi there. Welcome to the forum! Thanks for being around. I hope that the feedback you receive here becomes helpful for your writing endeavors. Please do not hesitate to approach us for additional details should you have more questions.

First and foremost, the first paragraph still is lacking from the get-go. Especially because you immediately jumped into a fact before giving out information on what the primary context of the writing is. If you are able to explicate a little bit more before you move forward with writing, it will drastically improve the appeal of your work.

Furthermore, remember that, when you are writing, it is critical that you are able to sparingly use citations. For example, in your second paragraph, cramming everything into one chunk of text like this will not work in your favor. You have to give ample space for discussion. This means that, after each citation, you should be able to provide a comprehensive analysis of the details that you have laid out.

Try to also maximize the potential of your conclusion by not merely focusing on just one string of text. Rather, it is imperative that you include here a more integrated analysis of the work itself. Remember that you have to be more specific with the details that you lay out even if it's for the concluding remarks in order to help readers better fathom what they can anticipate from the text.

Research Papers / Essay about the pro and cons of gun control [2]

@sherflohr
Hi there! Welcome to the forum. Seeing as you are new here, I hope that my feedback gives you insight on how to improve your writing.

First and foremost, while I think that the approach to the first paragraph was alright, I find that it still lacked that appropriate level of formality to its writing. Considering the fact that this portion of the text lacked dedication towards a specific value/principle that you want to uphold in the latter parts of the text, it appears to still be a little bit vague when it comes to the text interpretation itself. What I recommend is introducing first a primary value that you want to relay - and moving forward from hereafter.

When you're trying to give out citations, try to always ensure that you are using the appropriate formatting. For instance, the last parts of the second paragraph still need to be restructured because it is off that you had that parenthetical citation on the last part. Remember that citations should always fall before a marking, and therefore should be enclosed with the quotation itself.

Other than this, try to focus more on the organization of your text. If we take a glance at the last parts of writing, it is noticeable how you still did not have a concrete direction to base from. It would be better if you can outline everything in a specific manner to make your writing a lot less cluttered.

Writing Feedback / An experienced that changed my life (Reflective/Narative Essay) Gr. 12 [2]

@ka8786
Hi there. Welcome to the forum! I'll provide you with feedback on this writing. Hopefully, this gives you insight on how to improve your writing.

Firstly, while the first paragraph is great because you were able to relay your thoughts and opinions into one cluster, I suggest that you try to compartmentalize this piece of writing a little bit. Especially when you are working with content that's a tad bit extensive and would be about your personal emotions, you should always try to refrain from over writing the details because it doesn't benefit you in the long-run.

When it comes to the latter parts of writing, I find this to be a concern as well. When we take a look at the second paragraph, the first paragraphs were descriptions that weren't necessarily contributing a lot to the substance of writing. Try to be more cautious of these instances to be able to write better.

I think what you can do (overall) to improve your writing is if you are able to base your writing on a specific value. Afterwards, you can work on utilizing that value for the entirety of the text. If you have a single principle that you're working with, it would be better to use this to explain your thoughts and opinions for the latter parts of the text.

Scholarship / A true leader is one who empathizes with the problems of others [2]

@Asj
Hi there! Thanks for reaching out to the platform. I will do my best to guide and help you with your application materials. Please don't hesitate as always to reach out should you have more inquiries. Many thanks!

I appreciate the first two paragraphs because of the creative approach you implemented in these portions. You were able to give a clear and distinctive appealing look to the written text, making it easier to digest these parts as innovative approaches to writing.

In the latter portions, however, I find that you had a tendency to overestimate and over-write out your thoughts and opinions. If we take a look at the third paragraph, for example, it appears as though you had already been blabbering midway through writing. Always prioritize what information you put out, especially because not everything has to be disclosed in the text. Not only will this improve your writing's overall appeal because you are able to communicate only what is needed, but it will also help the evaluators judge better.

There seemed to be a bit of disarray in the last paragraph. I suggest that, from hereafter, you try introducing a core factor that will be discussed in the written text. Try to introduce a value that's non-discriminatory and will reflect the purpose and intent of your writing.

Research Papers / Fluidity help on Coffee research paper [2]

@jshepherd09
Hi. Welcome to the forum! Hopefully, my feedback is decent enough to give you insight on how to improve your writing.

First and foremost, I think that giving a general briefing to the readers on what coffee generally is as a commodity will be a better introduction to the topic itself. Especially with regards the first paragraph, the writing appears to be rather confusing. It seemed to have no distinctive direction on what precisely you were about to tackle in the latter parts of writing. What I recommend is focusing a lot more substantiating with the intention of giving away what the purpose of writing is.

Furthermore, try to also manage your writing in a way that will give prioritization to the work itself. For example, if we take a look at the body paragraphs, there seemed to be no purpose behind the sequence of your writing. Try to always focus on showing that you have intended your writing to be this way for a purpose.

Best of luck.

Scholarship / My experience about Leading and Influencing People (Chevening) [3]

@spideymaniac
Hi there. Welcome to the forum. Thanks for being here. Hopefully, my feedback will give you insight on how to improve your writing.

First and foremost, I find that the structure and manner of writing here is quite messy. For instance, the lack of proper paragraphs makes it a bit harder to follow your writing. Because of this reason, I heavily recommend that you try to focus more on building content with that mindset in place. When we tackle other parts of the writing, try to always follow a "thesis statement - supporting facts/details - conclusive remarks based on the thesis statement" formatting to enhance how academically appropriate the writing truly is.

As for the content itself of your essay and its body, the writing is alright. What I think you should work on is trying to make everything more organized and prioritized. Once you get that out of the way, you're good to go.

Research Papers / The realities of domestic violence research essay [2]

@Mikkan
Hi there. Welcome to the forum! Hopefully, my feedback will give you insight on how to improve your writing. Should you have more questions, don't hesitate to reach out again to us!

Firstly, the first sentence from the get-go is quite straightforward. This clarity is precisely what is sought after in writing, especially when it comes to content similar to this. Keep this up! What I do suggest is trying to compartmentalize and make concrete the writing a little bit more. Furthermore, the direction of the writing also appears to be a tad bit messy. Notice how the main topic changed from the first sentence until the last, making it a bit harder to assess the writing's purpose and intent.

Aside from this, the evidence-based approach to writing of the second paragraph is to be commended. I appreciate how the writing was compartmentalized and structured in this manner.

Try to just omit unnecessary and repetitive words in your writing. For instance, the third paragraph up until the fifth both had quite repetitive messages and sentences. Trying to trim down your content by prioritizing details will certainly give you a better approach for writing.

Graduate / Research Interest (proposed graduate program relates to your career goals) [2]

@johnsnon
Hi there! Welcome to the forum. Hopefully, my feedback will give you insight on how to improve your writing.

To answer your question first, a research statement often contains a thesis line that will give a brief insight on what you are trying to uncover in your writing. The research interest, depending on which context you are working from, typically contains an explanation on what your literal interests are (what field are you more inclined towards?) to give insight on what people can anticipate. Finally, the statement of purpose is sort of a guideline on the reasons why you are interest in these fields/topics in the first place (and experiences you have to back up these reasons).

The work itself that you have is alright. I do think, however, that you can still enhance the writing by focusing a lot more on being straightforward. For example, the first paragraph's content doesn't necessarily have a lot of impact on the overall flow of your writing. What I would suggest is focusing a lot more on the field itself. While it's great to give small anecdotes to give at least a sentence on why you have decided to pursue this path, it certainly doesn't mesh well when you're dedicating too long of a space to these sentiments, especially for academic and research-related topics.

Scholarship / Kenya and India - write on a topic that is of importance to you, and reflects who you are. [2]

@vedantpatel
Hi there. Welcome to the forum! Hopefully, my feedback will give you insight on how to improve your writing. Don't be afraid to reach out to us and ask for more details!

The first paragraph, while it is technically alright, still lacks a bit of emphasis when it comes to ensuring that you aren't stretching your sentences too thin. For example, the second sentence seemingly is too lengthy, making it harder to comprehend what the core message you are trying to deliver is. Try to be more straightforward. When you are dealing with the initial part of the essay, it is important to have clarity on what you are trying to portray because it will give the readers a better idea of what you should anticipate.

In the latter parts of your writing, I find that it is already quite decent. What I think can help improve your conclusive remarks, however, would be the usage of a primary value throughout your writing. It is always beneficial for you to introduce a statement value that will be embraced and echoed throughout the rest of your writing. Doing this will help the readers recognize the core values of your writing.

Best of luck as always.

Scholarship / Being a leader that expects everyone is as driven as himself - Chevening [5]

@elhamkhan
Hi there. Welcome to the forum! Hopefully, my feedback will give you a better idea on how to improve your writing.

First and foremost, balancing your writing is extremely important even though it's often overlook. Whether it's through the distribution of content, or keeping every detail symmetrical when you are typing, you have to ensure that you are delivering with as much balance as possible. This will truly help you manage your writing a lot more better throughout.

Furthermore, I recommend trying to derive a core attribute/value when you are writing. For example, before giving story-telling about your life, try to introduce a value that backs all of your data in order to give you a better grip of the direction of writing you are facing. Bear this in mind.

Best of luck with your Chevening application.

Writing Feedback / Chevening scholarship essay: Studying in the UK_ I have chosen my courses focusing on my career goal [2]

@Iqbal3993
Hi there. Thanks for coming to the forum! Hopefully, my feedback will give you insight on how to improve your writing.

First and foremost, I think that a good chunk of your mistakes are based on the technical angle of writing. Notably, you have to be cautious when you are trying to lay out the details in a comprehensive light. Bear in mind that you have to ensure proper capitalization and usage of punctuation marks. Take a good look and review your first paragraph as it is quite prevalent here.

Furthermore, the latter parts where you discuss your preferences should be understood with the same sentiment. You can omit the numbers and instead just write out everything as formally and structurally as possible.

You do not necessarily have to detail everything out to the finest and more specific point of views. Simply prioritizing and giving preference to a specific portion will suffice.

Scholarship / I always participated in activities of student-led organizations ever since I started university. [2]

@Nana Byl
Hi there. Thanks for coming back to the forum! Hopefully, my feedback will give you insight on how to improve your writing.

First and foremost, I think that you can still merge and integrate sentences that have the same flair or core idea to them. For example, the first paragraph's first three sentences can still be trimmed down to create just one substantive line. Doing this will not only help you save space, cutting away unnecessary and irrelevant parts, but this will also help you have more space for more important discussions in the latter parts of the essay.

The body paragraphs appear to be rather messy for the same reason. I find that the second to the third paragraph do not have a structured writing approach. Try to insert a briefing on what the thesis statement/main idea of the paragraph is before jumping straight right into the facts. Doing this will help you transition better to the rest of your writing.

Writing Feedback / Independent toefl essay - People do what they like to do rather than doing things they should do [2]

@salmanhaleemi
Hi there. Welcome to the forum. Hopefully, my feedback will give you an idea on how to improve your writing. Don't hesitate to approach us again should you have additional details/information that you want to share!

While I appreciate the approach to writing in the first paragraph, I find that you have a tendency to over stretch the content. For example, you create separate sentences to seemingly lengthen your composition. What I would prefer is that you merge sentences that have the same core thoughts with them. The first paragraph is a clear-cut example of this. You should merge the first two sentences, afterwards the third to the fifth ones. If you are able to do this, it will make your wording and structure a lot more concise (hence, more professional).

The latter parts of the text should be treated with the same regard. The second paragraph needs to be integrated and treated with the same regard, especially because you are working with a more substantive written work.

To balance everything out, the conclusion should not be left hanging just like what you have done. Make it into a concrete paragraph instead of a seemingly rushed one.