Writing Feedback / Options on transportation improvement [3]

@tcl1120
Great start for your essay!I do still have a couple of key recommendations to better your structure and flow.
In your first paragraph, I would rather that you slice your first sentence into two separate points. By doing this, you can be more straightforward with your language. This is an especially important trait in IELTS because you are working with word counts.

Avoid being redundant as well with your usage of language.While it is commendable how comprehensive and formal your wordings are, you should opt to havea more direct approachto your essay considering the nature of this test.

In line with this, I could revise the second to the last sentence of your second paragraph as:
One salient example is China's improvement in managing its air pollution after launching the high speed rail.
Simply toy with the words.Move them around until you have optimized the space that you have. Another good example for this can be seen through your last paragraph. Instead of sayingby way of conclusion, simply sayin conclusion. These small changes can contribute a lot to transforming the entirety of your essay.

Follow these guidelines throughout your essay. You're doing great. Best of luck!

Writing Feedback / Should we use a bicycle as our main form of transport? [3]

First and foremost, make sure that the fundamental capitalization rules are followed because this can affect how formal your essay is perceived. I would also say to watch out for your adverb usage because misuse of this can affect the quality of your work. These are two primary concerns that I have regarding the technical or grammatical portions of your text.

To take things further, I would also recommend that you look into a better transition method for your text.Your essay is quite fluid on its own. However, there were instances wherein the complexity of your language had interfered with the overall structure of the text itself. Simplifying your language and the structure can go a long way.

For instance, I would revise the second sentence of your second paragraph as:
This assists in the decrease of air pollution that has a negative impact in the environment. In addition, unhealthy air can cause damage to the human body with sicknesses such as lung cancer and other related diseases.

If you are able to make your sentences more concise, you can be ensured that your essay becomes more comprehensible for the readers. I would recommend that you stick to this simplified version at all costs, especially when you are still learning the language.

Cut down your third paragraph into three different sentences. Afterwards, you should add a concluding sentence. Doing this would make the structure of this portion firmer in its discussion of the topic.

I would also recommend revising the conclusion because it is quite vague. It would help if you have a reflection on this portion. Perhaps you can even add an anecdote to help your essay become more personalized.

Best of luck.

Scholarship / Fulbright Study Objective - psychology and business administration student [3]

I would suggest revising your first paragraph.Your usage of time to emphasize on specific parts of your life is quite confusing. Rather than mentioning "last decade" or words that describe time like that, I would recommend that you go straight to the point.

For instance, I would revise your introductory paragraph as:
When I was in high school, the visible decline of Turk's economy was a booming issue. This was also the time I started gaining interest in the economy.

Notice that I had moved around your adjectives to maximize the space that you have in your essay. Remember that you only have a few lines to truly impress the evaluators - make this count. I also separated a previous clause that was integrated to the sentence to curate an easier to comprehend narration of your story. I would also like to see more specific details of your story in your essay. This will help your essay become more personalized and tailor-fit to your needs.

To make your essay appear more formal, I would also suggest that you watch out your capitalization.There were instances wherein you had used proper nouns and yet still did not capitalize (see your second paragraph).

In terms of content, I think that you should be more specific in terms of your intentions for studying economics in the US. For instance, mention details about its educational system that makes its economics programs top-notch. You can also tackle more about the school itself. Why do you believe that this academic institution will make you grow academically?

If you can answer these questions, you'll be on the right track.
Best of luck.

Writing Feedback / IELTS - Opinion - Is our planet in peril? [3]

Watch out for your usage of relative pronouns. While these are typically helpful in making your essay appear more put together, when misused, these can significantlyharm the entirety of the content. If you are uncertain about what to use, always review your fundamental grammar. This can also help your language avoid being confusing.

For instance, I would revise your first/introductory sentence as:
Every time you turn the television on or flick through newspaper pages, you will notice a significant increase in environmental concerns posing threats to the earth.

In here, I had eliminated these pronouns (which - specifically) and moved around your phrasing to maximize the space left for the text.This particular method of packaging the wording of your essay can be quite tricky. However, once you get a hold of it, it can help your essay become as comprehensive as it possibly can be.

Watch out for your subject-verb agreements as well. Remember to be wary of instances wherein you need to change the form of the verb in order to make it proper for your essay. If you are uncertain, again consulting your fundamental grammar guides will always be helpful for you.

You had the tendency to drag your sentences, creating difficult to understand phrasings. To avoid this, I would opt that you shorten your sentences. You should be as straightforward as you possibly can be to avoid structural mistakes. If you can divide a sentence into two separate ones, then opt to do this rather than forcing too many thoughts in a single cluster.

Let's look at your second paragraph. I could have easily revised your third sentence as:
In fact, there are people who do not believe in the greenhouse effect. They do not believe that large amounts of CO2 emissions contribute from air conditioners affect the environment negatively.

By dividing the sentence into two separate points, I can relay what I want the readers to understand faster.Doing this will enable you to make an essay that is easier to digest for the readers themselves.

Try your best to avoid redundant language(ie. mentioning the same terminologies repeatedly when you could use an alternative word). This can help your essay appear more concise too.

Apply these comments to the entirety of your essay.

Writing Feedback / IELTS - Prolonged incarceration or... Discuss both views and give your opinion. [4]

I appreciate the structure of your essay because it is simplified.Keep that up. Because of this, I'd like to focus more on the content rather than the composition/structure of your essay.I have a few recommendations in mind.

I would suggest that you include more bold facts and statistics in your essay. While it does not have to be strictly based off of a data sheet, mentioning rough estimations can greatly contribute to your essay's overall substance. You could place this, for instance, after mentioning how longer prison sentences deter people. Make mention of a specific case wherein this has been proven to be true. If you do this, it can strengthen the arguments that you have.

You could apply this as well to your third paragraph. You mentioned that there are countries that have this specific requirement for offenders. State specifically which countries these are to make your essay more contextualized.

You might as well also be more descriptive with your essay. Say, for instance, because rehabilitation comes in many forms, you could be more specific with what you envision this to be.

It can also help if the entirety of your essay would be more based on a single case study - a country perhaps - to create a more in-depth approach to the question.

Best of luck.

Writing Feedback / Writing Part 2. What factors may have caused that highly qualified graduates are without job? [4]

Try to separate your sentence structures more.Simplifyyour structure to make it easier for the readers to comprehend. This can also be a good technique to avoid mistakes in terms of structure.

For instance, I would phrase your introductory sentence as:
In most parts of the world, the number of qualified graduates have increased. However, many do not have jobs.
What I had done is simplified the language (almost all = most) and separated your thoughts into two sentences to make it easier on the eyes. Apply this technique to the rest of your essay.

I would also recommend that you look into reducing your usage of redundant language.What I mean by this is that if you can avoid similar words founded in the same sentence, you should do so because it'll make your essay flow better.

Let's look at your third paragraph. I would revise the third sentence as:
The best step to be done by authorities to reduce unemployment is to invite shareholders from abroad to open multinational companies in different states. For instance, in the largest and most populous city in the United Arab Emirates, Dubai, international investment has caused a massive economic improvement in the country.

You do not need to make mention here that investors would invest because it is a given. Eliminating these small details can optimize your essay. If you continuously do this, you can utilize the space you have for your essay better.

Best of luck.

Writing Feedback / Significant developments in the field of information technology and its effects for the future [2]

I would recommend that you watch out for your modifications in the verbs.There were instances sprinkled throughout your essay that it has caused confusion as to what you are truly referring to.

For instance, in your introductory sentence, I would phrase it instead as:
It is often said that the advancement of Information Technology (IT) has brought drastic improvements in the means of communication and information collection.
You cannot use the past tense of advance as somewhat of an adjective to IT in this case because it is a known fact that this is a continuous development. This means that you cannot isolate it to a single event in time, therefore it warrants it this format. I would say that to be able to grasp instances such as this, you would need to focus more on rereading your essay multiple times to determine small mistakes in your language.

Furthermore, I would also suggest that you try to a better transition between your paragraphs. Using neverthelessas a starting word for the entirety of the paragraph is commonly an informal method. Because of this, I would suggest that you omit these words and simply head straight to the point of what the thesis and thoughts of your essay is.

Avoid using redundant language when you are beginning your paragraphs too. For instance, in your fourth paragraph, I would omit either the furtheror the even more importantlybecause they both have the same underlying thought.When doing IELTS exams, remember that you are working with word counts -therefore it should be your goal to optimize the space that you have for your essay.

Apart from these things that are more focused on the structure of your essay, I would also suggest that you look into the technicalities of your writing (usage of preposition, grammar, subject-verb agreement) because you had minor lapses in your essay regarding such, especially in the last portions. To avoid this, simply review more of the fundamental rules that you need to follow for your essay.

I can't give you an exact IELT band score to assess because that is more technical than this. Still, best of luck.

Scholarship / LETTER OF MOTIVATION FOR A MSC IN SUSTAINABLE FOREST AND NATURE MANAGEMENT [3]

May I suggest that you revise your format to focusmore on your personal story?
If I were to structure your essay, it would perhaps look like this:
1. Interest in environmental studies (4th paragraph)
2. Explaining the in-depth issue concerning it (2nd to 3rd paragraph)
3. Self-introduction (1st paragraph)
4. Remarks (5th to last paragraph)
By doing this, you can firstly open more about your personal and innate interests to the program itself. This will hook the evaluators because they will get to know you as an individual who is truly passionate about the program I would also opt that you showcase more the technical know-hows that you have concerning the issue. However, you should also avoid putting too many unfamiliar or foreign words into the essay because it will not contribute anything to the essay. Remember that the people who evaluate these essays are not necessarily people who may know the technical words concerning the program - what they are most concerned about is whether or not you have sufficient motivation and drive to be a part of the long-term program.

Taking things further, I would also suggest that you talk a little more about the academic institution itself and the curriculum. Be as specific and detailed as you possibly can be because this will show an intense interest and aspiration to be part of the program itself.

Remember that these evaluators are driven by stories (hence the promotion of the usage of anecdotes) and personal advocacy. If you can showcase an in-depth love for both of these, you will pass.

Best of luck.

Writing Feedback / Youth crime, reason and solution [3]

A couple of small revisions on your introductory paragraph:
It is known that the conviction rate among adolescents has been drastically increasing globally. This phenomenon can be attributed to the advancement of internet alongsideits lack of proper guidance -irregardless of the indispensable involvement of the government and parents.

What I did are four key things:
1. Changed all over the world to globally in order to maximize your word count
2. Shifted the phrasing from advanced internet to advancement of internet because it is a continuous phenomenon (not just a point of exit)
3. Changed and into alongside because it is the more appropriate alternative (and is considered as an extension of the phrase whereas placing alongside indicates a somewhat of a simultaneous conflict)

4. Revised the phrasing of the last phrase in the sentence because it can come off as quite confusing
To avoid these issues, I would always tell people that they should focus more on maximizing and optimizing their word count. What I mean by this is what you can focus on looking for shortened alternatives rather than attempting to compress all your words into a single line of thought. By doing this, you are not only doing yourself a favor by not focusing as much on whether or not you have exceeded your word count - rather you are also letting the readers have a breather when it comes to analyzing the content of your essay.

Watch out for your usage of preposition and punctuation as always. Make sure that your placement is where it is appropriate. Simply review your fundamental usage of these particular items.

Apply all of these to the overall structure of your essay.
Best of luck.

Writing Feedback / Unethical and immoral advertising in our daily lives [3]

I would suggest that you simplify your language. This technique is especially useful because it will enable you to have better hold over the word count you are following while still being able to play around with the overall structure. If you can divide a sentence into two separate points, opt to do that rather than attempting to squeeze everything into one point. Doing this can help you minimize as well the possibility of mistakes from making complex sentences. Remember that precision is more important here than anything else.

Avoid having redundant language in your essay too that can just be dumped into your word count.

Furthermore, I would also suggest that you use more formal language in your essay to improve its level of professionalism. For instance, instead of mentioning that advertisements are annoying, say that they do not positively contribute to the goals of the company. Restructuring your essay this way can help you write in a more formal manner as well which will be beneficial if you are planning to use your English in formal set-ups.

Watch out for your usage of preposition and hanging sentences or dependent clauses. Review these portions in grammar to ensure that your essay follows a better format.

I would say apply these comments to the other half of your essay - and you will go a long way.
Just keep in mind that you need to optimize the space in your essay. To do this, you need to keep in mind that you do not need a lot of adjectives and modifiers. Going straight to the point to substantiate your essay better goes a long way especially in IELTS exams.

Best of luck.

Writing Feedback / Writing Part 2 - Citizens know little about their neighbors. Reasons and solutions. [3]

@Alicia2019
I think that your essay is impressive on its own. However, I do have a couple of suggestions regarding its technical structure and composition.
Firstly, I would recommend that you make your sentences have simpler structures. What I mean by this is that eliminatingwords that make your sentences complex.

For instance, I would revise the second sentence of your first paragraph as:
This tendency has been encouraged as one of the priorities of the government. Policy-makers are taught to tackle the negative effects of the lack of relationship among city dwellers and their neighbors.

Notice how I removed redundant words - or those words that do not add significant value to the essay's overall flow. If you have words that have similar meanings that are both encapsulated into a single sentence, I would opt to remove one of the words. This is an imperative strategy to learn especially if you are working with word counts such as in IELTS exams. This will help you know how to prioritize your thoughts and structure your sentences in accordance to what is being asked by the essay question.

Furthermore, I would also suggest that you look at sentences that you use that have insufficient or hanging thoughts. Take a look at the first sentence of your second paragraph. This is a key example of what I mean. While these sentences are supposedly for creative purposes, you should bear in mind that they also accumulate space. I suggest that you go straight to the point.

For instance, I could revise this as:
The fast-paced lifestyle has led to the diminished spending time given to making acquaintance with neighbors.
Packing all of your thoughts into one concise sentence will enable you to have substantial content without risking a particular style that you want to relay.

In addition, I also suggest that you become more specific in terms of contextualizing your essay. You should be able to provide specific examples. Even if an essay is an impromptu one, think of ones that are generally known or are experienced by a lot of people. Having these canvas or template examples would help you have more content into your narration of the topic.

I also suggest that you answer this question in your conclusion:
Why is it the government's responsibility to promote these initiatives?
I recommend that you apply all these comments to the rest of your essay.Best of luck to you.

Grammar, Usage / Related transaction management process [2]

I would suggest that you incorporate the usage of oxford comma to make your phrasing of the word more formal. I would also watch out for the way that you connect your words together. There were instances wherein you could have opted to use connecting words to have a more complete structure for your sentence.

Say, for instance, I would revise your first point as:
Ensure that related transactions within the group are properly reviewed and approved in accordance with applicable legal and regulatory requirements.
You will notice that I have changed the tense of the verb and, at the same time, also ensured that you do not use punctuation withoutdue cause. Doing this can enhance the structure of your essay to capitalize on its potential meaning.

Undergraduate / Statement of purpose for POSCO ASIA FELLOWSHIP [2]

Your introductory paragraph is lengthy and dragging. You could better this through cutting down your phrasing and ensuring that you are as straightforward as you possibly can be. By doing this, you can relay your messay with more ease to the evaluators. Remember that your goal in these application essays is not necessarily to impress the evaluators with complex language - rather it is to showcase your in-depth intent to join the team.

Having said that, I could revise your first paragraph as:
I am writing with the intent to apply for the POSCO Asia Fellowship 2019. I have a keen interest to study in one of the campuses in South Korea. I believe that this will enrich my current knowledge alongside developing my professional life so that I may contribute to my country.

Notice that I had changed around your usage of preposition that were improperly utilized. I had also ensured that I cut down the sentence into smaller chunks that relays the information easier. Making your content easier to digest is key.

I suggest that you apply this technique to the rest of your essay because it was a common issue that I had found.
Watch out for your usage of punctuation. You also had a tendency to incorporate hanging thoughts into your sentences that do not necessarily fit their overall structure. Furthermore, I would also say that you have to be wary with your placement of the word and.

In terms of the content of your essay, it's quite impressive because of how bold and substantial it is. I do suggest that you create more specific elaborations for your content. What I mean by this is that you should make sure that you talk specifically about what academic institutions you are looking forward to be a part of. Talk about specific parts of South Korea's educational system that makes it better for your program.

For the betterment of the flow of your essay, I would also say that you should incorporate more personal anecdotes about your essay. Make it more personalized through talking briefly about the first time you were into this program - and then what made you realize that you truly wanted to advance in this field. Iwould also recommend that you switch your first and second paragraph to have a smoother introduction.

Best of luck.

Writing Feedback / Essay: Should parents reward their children with money for each good grade from school? [4]

@Funtomas Chen
I suggest that you revise your usage of tenses in the essay.When you are writing down your essay, you should always keep in mind in which particular tense you wish to write it in. For instance, hypothetical essays like this one which play around on what could happen are better written in future tense. Keep this in mind when writing your essay.

Assessing, on the other hand, the content of your essay, I would say that you could create more specific projections about the lives of children. Perhaps you can make a concise comparative on the difference between the future attitude of these children towards money and finances. You can discuss this more in detail by tackling how they differ in terms of handling monetary issues in the future. You can also go in-depth as to why it is important for children to learn these things in the early stages of their life. You had mentioned that there will be a moment in the future that will test them - you can discuss this more by being more specific.

At one point in your essay, you were becoming repetitive as well. I would recommend that you avoid using redundant words to expand your content more substantially.

Graduate / Personal Statement for MSc in Data Science / Informatics School [3]

Great job on your essay. I appreciate your usage of anecdotes to expound on the intent of your application. I think that you will go a long way with this.

I would only recommend that you could expound on why you have chosen this country. You had already cited a few reasons why the university is the best option for you individually. You can add on this through mentioning why the United Kingdom is your option for the program. You may even link your arguments here on what this country has to offer when it comes to your specialization or field. Are there, for instance, companies that you admire that are based in this country that make it better for your professional exposure to the program?

In addition, I would also recommend that you put specific details as to your future aspirations. I know that these are not necessarily mentioned to be requirements when you're still applying for the program (not in the list of questions to be tackled) - but adding these details would enable the evaluators to recognize that you are willing to go above and beyond to be part of their specific program. If you are aiming to be noticed, this will enhance what they know about you. Talk about how their courses and the program itself can help you become better in the field overall. Discuss why you fit into their academic environment.

The more specific and in-depth you are, the better it will be for your chances of being noticed.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Plan-cancelling letter to a friend [2]

I would suggest that you revise your opening line.While it is nice that you are being straightforward, I would opt for less formal (not necessarily informal) ways to approach the topic.

For instance, I would recommend revising it into this:
I hope that you are doing well. I am writing to inform you that I can't make it to the theater on Friday night.

Starting your letter with a brief note wishing your friend well. This will enable you to have a friendlier approach to a seemingly monotonous letter. This is especially important when you want to reach out to a friend.

I would watch out for your usage of demonstrative pronouns as well. As I can observe from your essay, you had a tendency to overuse or misuse this particular portion of English grammar. This is a common mistake among ESL learners therefore is forgivable.

Let's look at your second paragraph. I would have instead phrased your second sentence as:
My boss assigned me to a business trip on the same day in Danang because the junior employees are not qualified to handle the job.

The following sentence also had a hanging line to it (incoherent and improper linkage of two separate sentences). I would revise it as well into:

This day is extremely important to the company. My boss has even guaranteed a promotion if I could seal the deal.

What I did was separate your sentence into two different ones. Furthermore, I had also ensured that you would opt to use a word aside from business because it was already utilized in the same paragraph. Using synonyms or similar words would be better for the overall flow of your essay because you wouldavoid any form of redundancies that can lead to poorly written work.

I would suggest applying these comments to the rest of the essay as well. As you had committed the same mistake in your following lines.

Best of luck.

Scholarship / OASIS AUSTRALIAN AWARD SCHOLARSHIP [2]

Your first paragraph was quite baffling considering that the structure was all over the place. You could prevent this through cutting down your sentences into easier to digest portions. I would also recommend that you look into removing words that are redundant in your essay.

For instance, I would revise the second-half of this paragraph into:
This scholarship will help me personally and professionally through gaining leadership, management, and problem-solving skills.
What I had done is ensure that I tried utilizing more concise words into the sentence itself. I had also made certain that you do not use words that are similar in tone or meaning with each other (ie. skills and strategies can both be treated either way therefore it's not necessary to use both). Thistechnique is important especially if you are working with word counts. Even if there's no word count, doing this can enable your essay to have a more natural flow to it.

Most of the mistakes that you had accumulated throughout the essay were because you were attempting to use complex sentences. You can easily avoid this through using simpler structures.

Let's look at your second paragraph. I would revise it as:
I always perceived masters to be the first step that would lead to other steps. Having said that, I wish to pursue a doctorate in marketing. I know that through this degree, I will be able to hand-out knowledge to other people in my country.

Furthermore, I would also suggest that you expound more about your last paragraph. You were talking about the political difficulties that come with you living in Palestine - and how these interfere with your professional and personal development. You can be as specific as you wish to be.

I would opt that you as well integrate more anecdotes in your essay. By adding more personalized details, you can have a more intimate approach to your application. This is especially important when you are applying for scholarship programs because they want to be able to learn about your aspirations in life and what makes you stand out from other candidates. Showcasing that you are worth the financial investment is definitely imperative.

Best of luck.

Writing Feedback / Actors, story, and music - three factors that build up a good movie [2]

Your construction of sentences is decent. I would only say that in terms of structure, you could opt for less complex methods of building up to make your essay more comprehensible. Avoid repetitive language that could make your essay redundant.

For instance, you were constantly repeating that method of creating lists in your first paragraph. Instead of doing this, I would recommend that you go straight to the point. In line with this, I would revise your last sentence as:

However, there are three factors to consider in a movie's quality: actors, story, and music.
What I had done is remove those linking words and instead opted for a colon to indicate that you would be discussing these three things. This method can help you avoid too much usage of commas that can appear to somehow clutter the entirety of your text.

Having said that, the removal of redundant words is key when you want to expound on key ideas for your essay. Especially when you are working with word counts, it is vital to assess and manage your usage of language.

Let's look at your second paragraph. I would phrase the second sentence instead as:
Moreover, actors are essential elements in a movie because they convey and express a mood for the audience to experience.
As you can see, I had paraphrased your line and cut down the words through making concise the tone and language. If you can do this through practicing more, it can help you enhance your writing through making more space for your theme. This can as well help you avoid lengthy sentences that drag an essay's quality. This issue is mostly evident in your essay in its body. If you believe that you can omit words and separate thoughts into two different sentences, then opt to do that at all costs.

Apart from this, I would suggest that you watch out for your proper capitalization as well because there were instances wherein you were not able to implement this for proper nouns. Review your grammar handbook on writing.

The overall content of your essay, nonetheless, is quite sufficient especially with the abundance of examples and tones of discussion.
Best of luck to you!

Undergraduate / AAS Supporting Statement - data analyst course. [2]

I would opt that you try to not be repetitive with your usage of words. When you find yourself in a rut for constantly using the same words, you can easily be more creative. Open up your thesaurus and dictionary. This is important especially if you want to build up a specific tone or language for the entirety of your essay.

Make concise your language. Ensure that you are using inserting the right punctuation in the right portions of the text. Ensure that you set the right tone of language, especially given that you are attempting to create a statement that will convince the evaluators that you need this course as a foundation for your career. Avoid trying to make vague personal statements. Instead, I would recommend that you opt for a tone of language that is decisive.

Remember that there is a difference between:
With statistical skill that I got from my undergraduate experiences, I believe that this course would be a happy place to learn and the right place to develop.

In comparison to something that is like:
My statistical competencies from undergraduate would beeven more honed with the learning of the course.
Notice how the latter appears to be more goal-oriented and is full of certainty that the course will help you develop your skills. The former, on the other hand, is quite uncertain. If you can create bold proclamations, this can help you better the structure of your essay.

Best of luck.

Undergraduate / Compare and Evaluate between IKEA and Apple [2]

I would suggest that to avoid making mistakes, you should always opt for a simpler format for your sentences. The more complex your sentence is, the higher the tendency will be for you to commit mistakes. Having said that, I would recommend that you apply this thought process to the entirety of your essay.

For instance, let's take a look at your first paragraph. I would easily revise the first sentence as:
A business model called Corporate Social Responsibility (CSR) motivates companies to be socially accountable and is generally accepted by an increasing amount of multinational companies.

Notice how I had removed how it is accountable to itself and the public because you already have the term "socially" which is indicative of its societal scope. Knowing how to omit these types of words can help you optimize the space that you have for your essay. You can use this technique all throughout.

There is also no need for you to introduce the acronyms for IKEA and Apple. A general rule of thumb is that if these terms are easily known (recognizable brands, for instance), then it wouldn't be necessary to introduce them. Introduction of acronyms are usually used for terminologies that are niche-specific and therefore are not known by the general public. If these terms are easy to recognize, you can opt to remove it to save space in your essay.

I would also suggest that you try to remove redundant words from your essay. What I mean by this is if you should stray away from continuously repeating the company's name in a single paragraph. What you can do instead is use fillers or perhaps use a general noun in reference to it. This can help streamline your essay to appear more professional.

Try revising your last paragraph as well. You can, for instance, remove the for instance in the paragraph because you were already providing an overall summation in your text. This will help de-clutter your essay's overall structure.

Best of luck.

Writing Feedback / Employment of youngsters would benefit both the individual teenager and society as a whole [2]

Are you working with a maximum word count? This can significantly change my perception of the entirety of the essay considering its current length and content. Regardless, I would say that what is lacking from your essay is primarily more in-depth discussions on your points.

I'll provide you with a couple of questions that can help guide you.
1. What specific social skills do you believe should be prioritized for teenagers? Do you believe that this is the age that should focus on honing these skills?

2. Even if the work to be done is not full-time, would you still not recommend it for teenagers?
3. What are the other mental and emotional risks involved with this voluntary work? Will this not help teenagers become better in stress management for the reduction of future risks?

4. What are these other options for the youth to make money?
5. What are the comparative long-term versus short-term results of this proposal?
You should as well expound more on the your concluding remarks. How do you propose that the community should encourage the youth to build their network through a better social environment? What would you implement to help in this task?

You should always focus on balancing your arguments to make sure that the essay follows through with its potential.
Best of luck.

Scholarship / A piece of conventional wisdom that you have come to doubt. [2]

I firstly suggest that you divide your essay into three particular points. Not unless you were told to specifically do this formatting of a single paragraph, then you should always ensure that you follow the fundamental format (introduction, body, conclusion) to reach the minimum requirement.

I could perhaps suggest the following paragraph delineations:
1. Tackle the idea of how money cannot buy happiness and where this idea first came from
2. Discuss your counter-arguments regarding the usage of money
You could perhaps start with these lines that you have:
Money itself is not "bad", neither is it "good", it all depends on how we use such money. We are the ones who made the rules and we are the ones who made money "bad".

3. Lay out your concluding remarks and a personal opinion statement regarding it
Having a structured composition for your essay can help with the flow of your thoughts. This will de-clutter your essay to ensure that your point is delivered clearly.

I would also recommend that you try to utilize more simpler structures for your essay. This can also help you have more hold over the direction of your phrasing. Doing this can also help you avoid small mistakes that can tamper on the quality of your essay.

For instance, I would revise this line "We should instead question [...]" as:
We should question the inequality in our social hierarchy when it comes to the gap between the rich and the poor.
Using descriptive words like inequality would be indicative already of all the phrasing you had mentioned regarding people climbing up their social status. Notice how this packaging makes it easier for you demonstrate your thoughts than needing to use heavier lines. You should apply this technique of writing all throughout your essay.

Best of luck.

Scholarship / Planning career as a lecturer. Australia Awards Scholarship 2019/2020 - Supporting Statement [3]

While the introduction is great, I suggest that you focus more on what is certainly asked for in the essay given that you are working with little word count. When you have such limitations imposed on your writing, it would always be helpful to minimize the texts that are unrelated to your actual topic especially because you are not specifically asked to do so and do not have the luxury to do it. For instance, your first three sentences were unrelated to air pollution and should instead be located in your personal statementrather than your study plan(if there is one separate).

For instance, I would revise your first paragraph as:
As a member of the academia in Diponegoro University, I am interested in air pollution control. I have noticed the urgency to focus on the issue because of the health risks that accompany its persistence. We can take a look at the case of Indonesia.

This is a more straightforward approach that will eliminate the unnecessary portions. Instead, it introduces your topic of interest earlier.
I would also recommend adding more detail to your last paragraph. Discuss more how your specialization in the future can contribute to your university. Does this help with things like developing the curriculum that you have right now? Does this help when it comes to helping potential students who are also interested in the field? Be as detailed and as bold as possible.

Writing Feedback / IELTS 2: Whether children should be taught to distinguish right and wrong. [3]

You should be more clear with your language and usage of words. Avoid constructing sentences that lead to follow-up questions. When you're rereading your essay, ensure that you are able to discern what you are saying. It always helps when you provide a summation of what you ought to tackle before you go into the in-depth details. Your first paragraph, for instance, was quite unclear with where it wants to go. Remember that this first paragraph is supposed to teach the readers what the direction of the rest of your essay will be.

I would revise this first paragraph as:
It is vital to teach children how to distinguish between right and wrong at an early age. This can come hand in hand with carrying out punishments. However, these should always be constructive to teach them lessons. If not, these could potentially damage the child's growth.

In terms of the content of the arguments of your essay, it would be a great addition if you could expound more on why your proposed method of approaching this situation is better than simply giving out harsh punishments. It is great that you were descriptive with what you wanted to happen in the case that a child would need to be punished; however, it would be beneficial if you could explain why this method is best out of all the others that are present. You should also be more specific when it comes to tackling children. You could, for instance, discuss a specific age range wherein this method works best because there are instances wherein a child is too young to comprehend said situations. Being more specific can help you have more in-depth content that will elevate your writing.

Apart from that, I think that you should as well focus more on creating more straightforward texts. Avoid being redundant with your language whenever you repeatedly make mention of the same concepts throughout your text. If you can do this, you can create better alternatives that will sharpen your writing skills.

Best of luck.

Writing Feedback / Topic: Young people read few books. What are the reasons for this problem and what can be done it? [2]

I would firstly recommend that you watch out for your usage of the definitive article the. There were instances wherein you should have placed it but failed to do so - and, on the contrary, you were also placing it in places wherein you did not necessarily need to.

In relation to this, I would revise your first paragraph as:
The recent years have witnessed a significant decrease of young people reading books. This essay will discuss the factors that led to this and the possible solutions to the problem.

Notice how I had shifted around your wordings to have a better structure. Furthermore, I had also ensured that your usage of articles is better through targeting which portions need a the and which portions do not. For formality purposes, I had placed a the before possible solutions. If you reread it, it should appear a bit more put-together than what you have previously constructed.

I would also recommend that you watch out for your usage of quantifiers or countable(s) (few, fewer, fewest). Notice how in your second paragraph, you were merely saying that young people read few books whereas the main issue of the essay wants you tackle the lessening (hence why it is supposed to be fewer) of the reading of said material. These small mistakes are mostly technical that have to be grasped.

You should also watch out for the formatting of your verbs. When you are composing your texts, it is only right that you maintain the basic rules. For instance, when you're integrating multiple verbs in one sentence, you should always make sure that you implement the same format all throughout.

Let's look at the third sentence of your second paragraph. We should instead phrase it as:
People nowadays are under the pressure to earn money, hence why they face heavy work load everyday even as they go home.
Doing this can give your essay more direction and structure because it follows through with the conventions of writing. Notice how I also altered specific parts such as putting everyday instead of all day to articulate in a more formal manner.

You should watch out for your usage verbs that do not quite fit with the structure of your essay.
We can observe this in the second sentence of your third paragraph wherein it should have been:
Firstly, young people should be educated about the merits of reading books for them to voluntarily partake in it.
Notice how instead of using the word youngster, I replaced it with a more formal word (young people). You can also observe how I had omitted aims considering that you had already mentioned a synonymous word (merits). Lastly, because undertake voluntarily seemed out of place in this text, I had replaced it with voluntarily partaking considering that a present participle is more warranted in this case.

You can apply these techniques all throughout your essay.
Best of luck.

Scholarship / Accounting and Finance - description of your study/research objectives and why want to pursue them [4]

@apachialfa
Applications for the Fulbright Scholarship are competitive. Make sure that you always put your best foot forward when it comes to writing down your study objectives. You can do this through a multitude of ways, but what I would recommend that you do is focus more on incorporating personal stories or anecdotes that can showcase your personality and your background. You can perhaps incorporate the story of when you first realized that this field is for you, or if you can tackle a circumstance that you had to go through to be able to be part of this field. Doing this can showcase a level of perseverance that others may not have for the field.

In your second and third paragraphs, I would also suggest that you try to be more specific with your content. How exactly does finance help you in your day to day life? How do you see yourself in this career path a decade from now? How do you want to use your skills here in a different light aside from just merely earning money? If you can provide context and examples, it would be better for your essay's overall structure.

I would only suggest that you make your essay appear more humane than structured and composed. While your essay now has a lot of the practical and the technical know-hows that are necessary for the application, it still lacks that vigor and assertion that you truly need to be part of the program. Remember that when applying for scholarship, they are not only testing what you know about the technical language - rather they are also testing you as an individual who can surpass any potential challenges that you may face in the future. Showcasing your true personality in the essay is key.

Best of luck.

Writing Feedback / The dilemma of whether to earn a living or continute studies [3]

@kwang_ha
You should be more clear with your language. From the get-go, it was quite unclear which position you wanted to take in as a perspective for your essay. While it became clear in your succeeding paragraphs, it would be better for your essay's structure if you can introduce this concept earlier.

Let's have a look at what you have written. You merely mentioned that"that is better than to become a postgraduate student" whereas you could have already said:

From my perspective, I would argue that it is better to pursue postgraduate degrees.
You should watch out for your usage of particular words. If you look at your second paragraph, you had mentioned that there are many adolescence. This is an incorrect usage of the word adolescence because this noun does not pertain to the people themselves in the stage - rather it only pertains to the stage itself of growth. In the next sentence, the thought process that you had was quite unclear as well. How exactly does earning money make an individual more mature and independent? To what extent does financial independence help an individual grow? If you can tackle these issues, it would help facilitate your essay's thought process.

Regarding your third paragraph, you should expound more on the thoughts that you have for your essay. What I would recommend is that you expound more about what advanced education teaches students. You can potentially discuss what specific skills this teaches people. If you can tackle these ideas, then you would be able to go in-depth as to what truly goes on in this field.

What you can do as well is contextualize your essay. If you can expound your ideas through perhaps focusing on a specific field. You were sporadically mentioning multiple career paths that could potentially be used. But what would be helpful is if you could, for instance, just pay attention to one and curate a story of how this field plays out with advanced studies.

Just work on your content's substantiation - and you'll be fine. Best of luck.

Writing Feedback / Whether it's necessary that children should learn to manage their money at young age [3]

@yuanyinan
Are you working with a specific word count? If you are, then I suggest that you try to manage better your usage of words through removing unnecessary articles and synonymous terms to pave way for a more in-depth discussion. If you are not, I suggest being more specific with the content that you have.

You should try to evade words that are quite informal. For instance, in your first sentence, you mentioned that more and more people come to the idea whereas you should have phrased it as:

Society's development has caused an increase in the amount of people who believe that children should manage their finances earlier.
Aside from changing those three words, I had as well used more formal language and tone in my composition ("managing their finances earlier") to indicate a more structured format. Doing this can elevate the overall strength of your writing.

I suggest that you also try to move around your paragraphs to create an inductive pattern for your reasoning. Your tips on how to develop children's financial management capabilities should be placed at least before you discuss why insufficient knowledge can lead to negative consequences. If you do this, your essay will have a more flared out effect to it.

Try to play around with the structure and formatting. Make sure that you maintain a serious tone throughout your essay - and you will be alright.

Writing Feedback / Timing for choosing a job [3]

@yoona_crocodiles
Try to use simpler or less complex structures in your sentences to evade potential mistakes. It's already quite difficult to keep track of the fundamental structures and grammar rules on their own. I would highly suggest that to keep minimum the mistakes, you should always try working with shorter, concise sentences. Doing this can enhance the overall flow of your essay because you would have more grasp over the direction of your content.

You should also try to avoid language that is quite informal. Always stick to an academic format of writing.
Let's take a look at your first paragraph. It is nice how you have incorporated more of a story-telling format in this portion. However, it would be appreciated if you could tone down your usage of informal words. For instance, I could revise your second line as:

Young people prefer staying away from desk jobs that require them to be in cubicles because of the monotonous nature of the work.
Notice how instead of mentioning normal job, I had opted to say desk jobs that require you to stay in cubicles because it sounds more formal and fluid. I also did not call the work boring - instead what I had done is mention that the nature of the work is repetitive. Learning this technique can be quite difficult at first; but for as long as you use your dictionary and thesaurus, you'll go a long way with improving the tone of your language.

Apply these comments to the next paragraph as well.
You should also separate your conclusion from the second paragraph. Watch out for your usage of preposition. It should be in conclusion - not to conclusion (not unless you want to say to conclude then it would be grammatically correct). In addition, you should also be more clear with your language here.

Link back your conclusion to the overall context or theme of the essay. It's insufficient to just say that everything depends to the individual. Mention how fulfilling this path is in comparison to moving too much between jobs.

Best of luck.

Writing Feedback / ielts: Fair earnings - sports professionals can earn a lot of money [3]

You should move the first sentence of your second paragraph into the first paragraph. It looks more structured if you proceed to listing directly instead of needing to introduce this portion into your body.

I recommend that you tone down making bold proclamations in your essay. While the intent behind why you are doing this may be positive, you should keep in mind that making assertions should always be followed by back-up details that can substantiate your words. If you cannot, always try to evade words that can appear to be aggressive.

For instance, let's take a look at your second paragraph's third sentence. Instead of mentioning that anyone can play sports, you can perhaps say:

While these sports require intensive training, these skills can also be learned by other people.
This is a more mellow approach to your essay's content.
When making your point, keep in mind that the sports field is also an all-or-nothing career. This means that a single injury can break their entire career, causing them to be unemployed for a longer period of time. If you take this into account, there are risks present in the field - however, it could just be that these risks are potentially easier to mitigate than others. Discuss your thoughts in a more in-depth and balanced way.

Use less complex structures; and also use more formal language. Doing both in tandem can help develop a more academic tone in your essay.
For instance, I could implement that technique in the third paragraph's third sentence through revising it as:
Athletes have to manage their diet and make a lot of personal sacrifices. This includes, for example, not being able to spend time with their loved ones. While the fame included in sports appears to be superficially glorious, it is not necessarily risk-free.

I would also suggest that follow through your summation and conclusion with the same formatting.
Best of luck.

Letters / PhD Cover letter - Health Sector - Research Group Position [3]

Excellent essay! I appreciate how detailed and clear you are with your essay's intent. I do have a few recommendations that I feel will positively contribute to your composition.

I would suggest that you move your personal description to the top-most portion of the essay. You currently have this section as the second to the last paragraph. Doing this can give the evaluators a personal overview of who you are before you proceed to your technical qualifications. I have always wanted people to prioritize this because it will enable them to have an intimate, personal perception of you that will help lure the evaluators into reading your qualifications. Especially when you are applying for such a rigorous field, you should always try to gain leverage through showcasing how motivated and laborious you are.

What I would also suggest is that you incorporate more anecdotes into your essay.Considering that the cover letter gives you the space and freedom to somehow market yourself as a candidate, you should take advantage of this. By adding more personal details into your essay that is different from merely mentioning your professional credentials, it would make you have a more personal approach towards the application. Showcase how devoted you are to the field by tackling, for instance, what you had to overcome to be able to be part of this field.

Best of luck.

Writing Feedback / I was ghosted by a girl and I just let it go [2]

Are you writing this for a creative writing class?
You should always ensure that your language is articulated smoothly. While your essay has content and attempts to write in a structured format, prose requires people to truly be descriptive in their tone. You can do this through having more of a story-telling language rather than a muted, monotonous approach to the topic of the essay.

You should also review your fundamentals of grammar because there were instances wherein you had lapses or puny mistakes that could easily be fixed.
Let's take your first paragraph as an example. I would phrase this instead as:
I refuse to contact a person who would ghost me twice. This may be common in our easy-going society, however it doesn't mean it is correct.

Make sure that you compose your sentences as clear as possible through having more hold over the structure. Evade sentences that leave hanging questions.
Like what I had mentioned in the beginning, you should also try to be more descriptive. Tell stories in relation to what you are stating. What has she done in the past that qualifies her as a toxic partner? What was an instance that she showed disrespect to other people?

Your concluding remarks were also quite unclear. Are you trying to say that you want to let this person go?
Like most essay writing, creative works should always aim to have a structured beginning and end (not unless you are attempting to use a different structure). Knit a story that would come out as believable.

Best of luck.

Writing Feedback / IELTS - many youngsters choose to shop as one of their favorite leisure activities [2]

You should create a more balanced argumentation format for your essay's structure. Notice how roughly two-thirds of your essay was spent explaining the dynamics of shopping - and how this affects this particular demography. You had spent little time explaining what the point of your essay was, which was to ultimately tackle why it is advantageous to have alternatives to merely shopping. If you can balance out your essay's overall composition, it would sharpen the content of your essay. Talk more about how the alternatives provide benefits to the young people.

As for my technical commentaries, I recommend that you try to look at small mistakes that you may have overlooked in your essay. For instance, you had small mistakes regarding the usage of verb tenses and usage of commas. I would also suggest that you try sticking with less complex structure formats to help you lessen the potential mistakes.

For instance, I would revise your second paragraph's second line as:
The rapidly changing world and enhanced technological developments entail that they have to continuously hone their skills to survive in the job market. This adds intense stress to their lifestyles.

Notice how I had your single line into two separate ones to make the delivery of the message clearer. Doing this to your longer structures can help clear out any confusing phrases that you may have; and this as well permits you to evade harsh deliveries.

You should also add more details into your conclusion. If you follow through with the instructions in the first portions of this feedback, you'll be able to address this lack of substantiation in this area.

Best of luck.

Scholarship / Master in IT - statement for AAS - Why did you choose your proposed course and institution? [3]

I'll provide you primarily with guide questions and a few commentaries for your three paragraphs.

Regarding your first paragraph, I suggest that you try to be more specific with what you are trying to say. You were giving out vague lines regarding helping your country without specifying which particular issues you would like to address. You should discuss how you plan to help out your country, why these steps require you to pursue this advanced degree, and what you see yourself doing for the country in the future. For instance, you can tackle how technological transfer can assist you in the long-run.

You may answer to:
What are the current trends and issues in the IT industry of your country?
How do you plan to address these issues through your proposed study?
Why do you think your country will benefit from this?
What's your personal fulfillment from being able to do this?

When tackling universities that are part of your options, I suggest that you also try to be more descriptive and specific.
What about the curriculum in these universities excite you?
Why do you believe that being in these campuses would contribute to your overall character?
How are your career goals (long-term and short-term) in line with your potential entry into this program?
Which courses do you plan to partake in?
Do you have any professors in these programs that you have read researches on that you are excited to meet?

Remember that the more specific you are, the better.
Best of luck.

Graduate / Check my SOP for Department of Material Science and Simulation at Ruhr-Universitaet Bochum [2]

I like how you were adding a lot of anecdotes in your essay. This will help you stand out in a sea of applications that focus on technical qualifications. While it is great, I do think that your composition can be improved through using structures that are more formal and descriptive at the same time. To do this, I suggest that you try to use language more creatively in a way that you specifically tell stories as vivid as you possibly can.

For instance, let's take a look at your second paragraph. You could rewrite your second sentence here as:
I recall a time when I had participated in a science fair in school. There were students who were laboriously working on an engine of a bike. I was fascinated by the sight; and this made me contemplate on the extent of what we can do as human beings.

This is a more creative approach to telling the story than simply explaining what had happened. Notice how the simple insertion of adjectives at the right portions of the text can help with how descriptive your essay is. This can also help the readers understand the depth of your experience more because you expose them to what the scenario was at the time.

I recommend that in the last portions of your essay, you should be more descriptive about what you are anticipating or looking forward for in the university you are applying for. Discuss in-depth why Germany is the best option for you. What makes the country and this university stand out from the multitude of options that you have?

Aside from that, I also want you to look into the technical of the essay itself. You do not need to capitalize terms like engineering whereas you need to capitalize formal terminologies like Mechanical Engineering, Manufacturing Engineering, and related concepts (basically pronouns). There is also no need to capitalize on adjectives that you present in the essay (curious, engrossment, etc.). If you want to emphasize on these terms, you can simply focus on story-telling in reference to them to showcase and assert that you possess the qualities. Aside from that, to ensure the formality of your structure, there is no need for you to make irregular or out-of-the-box structure changes to lure attention into your essay.

Best of luck.

Scholarship / Physician and pulmonologist - How will the proposed study contribute to your career? [2]

@drimran
I recommend that you revise the formatting and structure of your essay in terms of the flow of content.

I would suggest the following layout:
1. The state of public health in Pakistan
2. Your personal experience with the system in your country
3. Insert your current first paragraph here
4. Tackle about why you have chosen Australia and this university
5. In terms of health practice, tackle what this university can teach you
6. Long-term career goals and professional development aspirations

By having a structure like this, you will have a more inductive method of essay writing. Doing this can enhance the output that you have because it will first explain the perspective that you have. Because your background has a strong influence on your decision to pursue this degree in the country, you can expound more about why this opportunity can teach you things that you otherwise would not be able to learn.

You should expand your last paragraph as well. How does a degree from Australia give you leverage specifically in your country? How will this give you even more opportunities to grow professionally? How will you be able to reshape your career and teach these lessons to other people once you get out of it?

Once you are able to curate your own story as descriptive as you possibly can, you would be able to enhance the content that you have right now.

Best of luck.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 2: Modern communication vs Writing letters [2]

I appreciate the structure and content of your essay. I do have a couple of recommendations that can better the flow of your writing.

Firstly, I would suggest that you try to evade the usage of words that are quite vague or unclear. This can diminish the quality of your essay because it does not contribute to the meaning of your words; rather, it only adds to the word count. Alongside this, I would also watch out for your usage of articles. The excess or absence of these words in your content can greatly affect the quality. Moreover, I would add that you should try to be clearer with your language. When you mention that there are modern alternatives, you can already mention what these are.

Let's take your first paragraph's second sentence as an example. I would revise this as:
Although a few still use written letters, this traditional communication way should be eliminated because of the benefits of its alternative: the usage of electronic devices.

Notice how I had shifted around the wording and phrasing to make improve its flow; and I had also integrated a straightforward approach to the writing.

I can also apply this to your third paragraph's fourth sentence by revising it as:
Additionally, the surge of mobile networks has made modern communications conducive to receivers.

Secondly, try to use more fluid methods of transitioning into your arguments. While using the words first and second to sort out your thoughts into the essay is acceptable, you can opt to omit them and instead use moreover, furthermore, and other similar words to enhance your content's composition. This will also help you evade using redundant or repetitive words that diminish the quality of the text.

Lastly, I recommend adding more details to your concluding remarks. If you follow through with the previous two suggestions that I have, you would be able to at least free up a little bit of space in your word count to make sure that your essay has more space for substantive content. Give a brief summation here of your standpoint in the essay.

Best of luck.

Letters / Celebrating a special occasion in a restaurant and being verysatisfied with the food and service [4]

@zoecheng
While I don't necessarily think that you should use formal language because the intent and purpose of the paper itself does not require that,I still think that you should keep in mind the fundamental grammatical conventions.

Setting that aside, in terms of structure, you should have more hold over the formatting and outline of the flow of your essay. For instance, you can do just three separate paragraphs that addresses each point that is required. This will help you evade cluttered structures that do not have a specific goal in mind.

What you could do here is change the formatting of your second paragraph and merge it with the first. Alongside this, you may also shift around the phrasing.

For instance, if I were to rewrite these portions to create an introduction for you, it would look like:
My family and I had arranged to find a restaurant for dinner online. We were lurking around and found an advertisement for your restaurant. Needless to say, I am writing to send my appreciation because of the premium quality of services we were given during our stay.

Notice how I had first given a brief introduction of what had transpired to smoothly shift into what you want to say. I recommend this approach especially for letter essays that do not necessarily need a formal tone to them because you can do a lot without compromising the quality.

Look into your composition - or the way that you structure your texts. Notice that your third paragraph appeared to be messy because you were trying to mix altogether all your thoughts into one phrase. What you could do is divide your thoughts and sentences into easier to comprehend portions through separating them. Alongside this, I would also suggest watching out for your usage of preposition.

For instance, I would revise this line as:
We were supposed to spend our weekend together because of my birthday. My mother mentioned wanting to cook multiple dishes for this special day. Unfortunately, she had sprained her wrist, causing us to resort to eating out.

What I had done is essentially changed the formatting and tone of language; and I had also made certain that I simply separate the lines into different sentences to make the delivery simpler. Implement this throughout your letter.

Best of luck.

Writing Feedback / Task 2 IELTS. Topic: LAW. Should defendant's criminal record be available in legal cases? [2]

I would suggest changing the formatting of your sentences at times. This can enhance the flow and the structure of your essay because it will help you evade mistakes as you are composing your text.

For instance, in your first paragraph, I could revise the first line to be:
To give protection to the defendant, British and Australian laws have not permitted judges to see past convictions of a criminal. Some contest to this, mentioning that the criminal history should instead be open.

Notice how I had separated your two thoughts into sentences to ensure that the delivery is clearer. Furthermore, I had also changed your articulation through combining phrases that will create better flow for your essay (laws in Britain and Australia became British and Australian laws). Having a more formal tone will help your essay improve.

Aside from this, I think that your essay has sufficient content, especially because you are working with a word count.

Best of luck as always.

Writing Feedback / IELTS 1 - The given maps illustrates how campus of Woodwards University changed from 1985 to today [2]

I would omit lines that you do not necessarily need. Let's take your first sentence as an example. In here, you could simply remove the to today at the end of your essay. What you could also do is revise and change your phrasing to create a formal tone in your essay.

For instance, I would revise this line also as:
The given map provides a comparative overview of Woodwards University's campus between 1985 and today.

Notice how instead of mentioning that the map illustrates a change, I had simply mentioned that the map is a comparative one. This can already elucidate that it projects two images that should be taken side-by-side.

Your second paragraph is sufficient. I do not recommend touching this portion.

As for your third paragraph, I recommend that you try to be clearer with your language. Don't be afraid of constructing new sentences that are simpler. This can help your essay appear more put-together.

The construction of the language is quite off-putting and confusing. I would suggest implementing a single structure or format for all your sentences to make sure that you have a more concise setting for your essay to have a flow to it.

What you could do is perhaps something similar to this:
In [date], the [area 1] was demolished to pave way for [area 2 that replaced area 1].

You can move around the phrasing and words to have more freedom and flexibility with your essay. While I usually frown on repetitive language because it should be evaded in substantive essays, descriptive essays like this that should have more specific information are encouraged to have more structure.

Best of luck.