Writing Feedback / My Holiday (quick weekend) essay [6]


("restaurant" is not definite so you must use "a")


("worry about" doesn't make much sense in this sentence)


--> "kind of" is spoken language so I don't think you should use it in a piece of writing.


--> again, "got" is quite colloquial, so you should use "bought" instead.


--> you are writing about something in the past, so use past tense in all your sentences.

You should really work on your grammar if you want to improve your writing.

Best

Writing Feedback / IETLS; In China, all the kids have to learn English when they are very young. [3]


--> This sentence should not be in the introduction. In your intro, you should papraphrase the topic and state your opinion.




--> What is "reasonable"? I don't get what you mean here.




--> This conclusion is not relevant to the topic. The topic asks whether the advatages outweigh the disadvantages, not what is the benefit.

It is extremely important that everything you write is grammatically correct. If you make grammar mistakes, it will not only prevent readers from understanding your essay but also lower your band score.

Also, don't use rhetorical questions ("So when is the most appropriate time?Begin with the primary school or when they are getting older?", "Why?", "What can we see from that?") too much in your essays.

Best

Writing Feedback / Have we harmed the Earth or made it a better place? [6]




--> I don't get what you meant by "Those". Maybe revising the sentence like this will make the meaning clearer.





--> I don't think this sentence is relevant.
I suppose this is a TOEFL essay, isn't it? If so, this essay is quite short. Also, you should state your opinion in the introduction.

Best

Writing Feedback / TOEFL Essay "There is too much violence in movies" [5]


--> Don't start a sentence with "So". Use "therefore", "hence" or "thus" instead.


--> This is an incomplete sentence. A sentence with "Although" must have this formula: Although + subject 1 + verb 1, subject 2 + verb 2.



Pay attention to your grammar, it is crucial. Also, when you post your next essays, include the full topic so that other people can help you better according to the topic.

Best

Writing Feedback / IELTS; Technology Vs Survival of Traditional Cultures - Are they incompatible? [3]



Whenever you use a period "." and then start the next sentence in a new line, it means you've started a new paragraph (your essay currently has 7 paragraphs). When you start a new paragraph, a new idea is conveyed, and you must explain it thoroughly. You have great ideas, but don't just list 3 or 4 reasons supporting your point of view and explain each with only 1 sentence. In an IELTS essay, you ususally need 2 main points, but you have to support your ideas and convince the readers. Find and read some IELTS essay samples on the Internet to get what you should put in your IELTS writing.

Best

Writing Feedback / TOEFL Essay-Movies should present positive values. Y or N ? [7]


--> Don't start a sentence with "And".



--> "media" is a plural noun.

I think overall your essay is well written: ideas were developed properly, vocab range and sentence structures were diverse.

Best

Writing Feedback / TOEFL/ Do you agree that professional athletes deserve high salaries ? [8]


--> break this into two seperate sentences. The second sentence begins from "They work more...".


--> This sentence sounds like spoken language, not the academic language that you should use in TOEFL.


In the introduction, you should paraphrase the topic and state your point of view. Don't ramble. For example, you don't need to give an example of Byrant Kobe and David Beckham in the intro.


--> you just used "countless" previously, so don't repeat yourself. What do you mean by the greened part?

Try to write short and easy to understand sentences. Long sentences tend to make readers lost in your ideas, it might be hard to catch up with your points.

Keep on working and you'll get better.

Best

Writing Feedback / ielts task 2: do we should exclude males and females from certain jobs? [4]


--> "At first" means "at the beginning", so you must use "First", or "Firstly",... instead.


--> In academic writing, don't use contractions. Write the full word "They are".


--> "In turn" is used to describe one action that happens after another. In this case you should use "vice versa".


(change your wording to make the essay more academic).


Your essay has 256 words, which meets the requirement. However, if you want a higher band score, you should try to elaborate on your details, and the essay should have around 280-320 words.

Also, when using a word, make sure you know exactly what the word means.
Best

Writing Feedback / The most beneficial Discovery for people in my country in the last 100 years [7]


(eliminate the first comma)



--> what do you mean?



--> You just used "owing to" in the second paragraph. Try not to repeat yourself. Replace it with other phrases like "thanks to" or "by dint of".


--> you'd better use "In conclusion" or "In summary",... instead.


Always use "the" before "Internet".

Undergraduate / "I have a clear path and goal set"; Transfer appeal- Are you convinced? [13]

First, regarding the structure of your letter:
+ In the first paragraph, you should state briefly the purpose of this letter, for example: "I am writing this letter to request a review of a recent decision...".

+ The second para is where you tell the story. Don't tell the whole story in the first paraghraph and then say "This is why I am here writing an appeal".

+ Third para should be why your appeal should be granted (which is your current second paragraph).
+ At the end of the letter you should have a closing sentence like "I appreciate your considering my request..."

Secondly, make sure your grammar is correct and check your wording:


--> "follow up on" is not formal, it sounds like you are talking to your friend. Replace "follow up on" with words like "verify" or "inquire into". And I don't get what "this" refer to.




--> this is not formal.
And don't use contraction like this:


Lastly, watch your tone in the letter. Keep a respectful tone.


--> Leave out this sentence, the admissions office does not need to know what the counselor told you.

Hope this helps. Good luck with your college admission.

Writing Feedback / Adult Education; Bar chart and pie chart illustrations [4]


--> What does "this" refer to?


("to fund" already means to provide money, so you don't need "tuition" there).

Writing Feedback / IELTS; New fashion of doing multiple careers [3]

You should work more on your grammar, like ArezuF stated above.
Also, work on the structure of an Ielts essay:
+ In the introduction, paraphrase the topic, and state your opinion (depends on the question, but you didn't include the question in the topic so I can't give you a suggestion). Don't include anything that is not related to the topic (for example, the topic doesn't have anything to do with technology so you don't have to mention it).

+ in the body, write at least 2 paragraphs with 2 main ideas supporting your point of view (depends on what the question asks you to do)
+ in the conclusion, again paraphrase the topic and state your opinion. Don't ask a question at the end.

Keep working, read some samples, write a lot and you will definitely get better.
Best.

Writing Feedback / "fine for driving through the red signal" - FUNNY STORY [3]




(combine these two sentences)

Letters / (Plant Pathology) grammatical correction on recommendation letter for phd [4]

--> My suggestion: "As I contacted Daphne's professor, I came to know that she was among the most assiduous and devoted students, and that she not only took full responsibilities for her work but also endeavoured to learn from other people and strived to ascertain the best solution to each and every problem. Those qualities made her stand out among other candidates for the position and without hesitation,...". I made up some characteristics about her. What you write in this letter depends on your real first impression about her.

Oh and by the way, I think you should address her as "Ms. Simsek" instead of "Daphne", it will give the letter a sense of formality.

Just my opinion. Hope it helps.
Best

Letters / (Plant Pathology) grammatical correction on recommendation letter for phd [4]


(add a semi-colon)



--> I think you should add some more details describing what charateristics and qualities of Daphne that made you choose her for the position immediately.


Best

Writing Feedback / IELTS; Write a complain letter to manager about mobile phone is not working [5]


--> This should be more like a complaint letter, so I don't think "express my feeling" is really appropriate.


--> This is an incomplete sentence: it doesn't have a verb. My suggestion to revise it: "I noticed the malfunction when I tried to make a call."


(use either "After" or "later" because they have the same meaning)

Best

Writing Feedback / TOEFL; Some people think that family has more influence on the young adult [3]


--> "affect" is a verb, "effect" is a noun.


--> You are supposed to paraphrase the topic, not copy it. My suggestion: "While many people believe that family have the most significant influence on their children, others argue that friends have greater impacts on young adults than their family do."

Best

Writing Feedback / IELTS ; Letter to Football Team-mate to inform why I leave the team [5]


--> use a comma between these two sentences because the second one is an incomplete sentence.


--> Again you start a sentence with "As", but "as" is only a conjunction, like "because" or "while", so this one is also an incomplete sentence.

You are supposed to write about how much you love the football team, but I think your second paragraph is more about "why is it important for you to attend the wedding"; you only mention you passion for the football team in one short sentence at the beginning, so I think it's not enough. You should work on the details of "how much you love the football team".

Best

Writing Feedback / Advantages of living in the dormitory rooms and apartment buildings - COMPARISON [3]



--> Moreover, the dorm buildings are usually close to the class buildings and departments; therefore, students do not have to pay for transportation.



I agree with honey86 that your ideas are not really well organised, so try to rearrange the ideas, for example: all the advantages of living in dorms in 1 paragraph and of living in apartment bulding in the other so that you won't confuse the readers.

Best

Writing Feedback / IELTS; In our society child's education have never been a simple task [9]




--> this is an incomplete sentence. the green part modifies the subject "those" because you used "who", so there is no verb in this sentence.



It's really important that you pay attention to your grammar. If you make too many grammatical mistakes, you won't be able to get a high band score.

Also, try to shorten the sentences or you will lose track of what you're trying to express and this will lead to incomplete sentences.

Best

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 2: Video games - positives and negatives [3]




=> what is the slash for? Are you using both these words or considering which one to use?


=> you may connect these two clauses with "Not only... but also" to demonstrate your skill to use complex sentences.

I think the topic asks you "do the drawbacks of video games outweigh the benefits" so in the conclusion you should state clearly yes or no, and after that say that "video games should...".

Your essay is well-structured and ideas are delivered clearly.
Keep it up!
Best

Writing Feedback / Families today are not as close as they used to be, causes and solutions? [5]



(spelling)


=> This is a bit confusing. You should indicate clearly what the complexity it is.


=> usually it's "family members"

This is a really good essay. Nice flow, great fluency, ideas delivered effectively!
Keep it up!

Writing Feedback / IELTS essay, new things or old things? [6]


=> this sounds quite informal, you could use "Besides" or "Furthermore" instead

Writing Feedback / (IELTS essay) International tourism creates tensions in the host country [9]

Pay attention to verb tenses and spelling because they are basic things and and might lower your band score if you don't use the tenses correctly or make spelling mistakes.

Best

Writing Feedback / Privacy of celebrates on newspapers and magazines Ielts essay [6]


=> well i don't think they are the same. there are some other synonyms for "like": such as, for example, including, one of which is, for instance, namely,...


oh yes, sorry about the spelling mistake :D

As for the conclusion, you should paraphrase the rubric, then summarise what's been stated in the body, and perhaps add a conditional sentence at the end.

Here's my suggestion: "In conclusion, it goes without saying that the private lives of famous people are being put at the centre of public attention. However, I am of the opinion that such personal information should not be publicised on newspapers and magazines due to the latent decline in moral values and the fact that the media is making use of these stories in negative ways." Just a suggestion. Hope it helps.

By the way, the topic doesn't ask you to discuss both sides of the trend, it only asks you whether it is appropriate to do that, so I think you should focus on answering the question by giving reasons why you think it's not appropriate in the body, not what the positive effects of this trend are (the first body para).

Best

Writing Feedback / Privacy of celebrates on newspapers and magazines Ielts essay [6]

In recent years the topic of privacy of celebrated peoplecelebrities on magazines and newspapers is debatehighly debatable . Some people say it should be public to everyone, however I disagree with this attitude and believe these kinds of media should take responsibility tofor what they write.

decreasing moral values => you could replace this phrase with "decandence" to improve the vocab range for the essay

For the benefits of our society, it is necessary that we make proper decisions to create the best future possible. => I think this sentence is not really relevant to the topic discussed.

Writing Feedback / too much fat, salt and sugar; Weight of people is increasing, health decreasing [3]

Hi Gangster777
You have pretty good ideas for the body paragraphs. However, the problem is that your essay doesn't follow the structure of an IELTS essay.

In the IELTS writing task 2:
- For the intro, you should write a motivator; then paraphrase the topic; and state what you're going to do in the essay, for example: "This essay will discuss major causes of this trend and put forward some solutions to alleviate the problem".

- As for the body, you could organize it in two ways (this is for this kind of problem-solutions essay only):
+ First option:
Body para 1: Cause no.1, cause no.2,....
Body para 2: Solution no.1, solution no.2,...
+ Second option:
Body para 1: Cause no.1, Solution no.1
Body para 2: Cause no.2, solution no.2
Here's the difference between the two options: For option 1, the solutions can be anything you think of and can be written in any order that you think is suitable, whereas if you choose the 2nd option, solution no.1 must be for cause no.1 only, for example: cause 1: too much fast food consumed => solution 1: close all fast food chains (this is just an example). You can choose whatever option that suits your ideas best.- In the conclusion, paraphrase the topic and summarise your ideas.

That is just a suggestion for this kind of essay. You should google some other tips for the ielts writing and read some samples.
Best

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2 - Sport man makes more money than other. Discuss both views [2]

To be success in --- To ACHIEVE success in (it must be either BE SUCCESSFUL or ACHIEVE SUCCESS)
Many owners of consuming manufacture really to pay millions dollar --- this is not clear enough. You could say: 'Big corporations are now offering sportsmen contracts of millions of dollars to advertise for their products as celebrity endorsements are likely to boost sales dramatically.'

Your intro doesn't have to be that long, or it'll take too much time to write. You should write a motivator, paraphrase the rubric, and state your opinion, so 3 sentences are enough.

Also, I think you should explain more in the body para: 'Their job are as serious as other careers' --- why? Do they have to train hard, do they have to suffer from unwanted injuries when practicing, how much do they have to sacrifice?

Best

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK2 Pros and cons of building nuclear power plants [4]

As it's clearly --- don't use contraction in ielts writing. As IT IS clearly
the damages --- 'damage' is an uncountable noun.
considerable long time to recover --- CONSIDERABLY long time to ALLEVIATE (usually it must be 'people recover from sth', not the damage recovers)

I think the first body para was not fully developed. You should explain more why some people think nuclear power is cost-effective, others think it's costly. In the conclusion, paraphrase the rubric before summarising your ideas. Also, adding a conditional sentence (perhaps to the conclusion) should help raise your band score.

Best

Writing Feedback / Is giving the same grade to every student in a group a good way to evaluate students? [5]

distinguish individual student who has good skills from others --- distinguish individual student who has good skills from THOSE WHO DO NOT
No doubt --- this is informal. You should connect that sentence and the previous one using relative clause.
if all the students be given the same ---if all the students ARE given the same
Nothing is worse than lose enthusiasm and motivation in study. --- Nothing is worse than LOSING enthusiasm and motivation in study.

I think overall there aren't many mistakes in this essay, but some of the expressions that you used were not academic enough. Also, don't start a sentence with AND or BUT.

Best

Writing Feedback / IELTS; parents and schools are able to share the responsibility to educate children [2]

a valuable members --- a valuable MEMBER
many things to be used to with --- TO BE USED TO
clean up their mess --- this is not formal.
in the next charters of their lives --- you mean 'in the next CHAPTERS of their lives'? (spelling mistake)
Once a child goes to school, they are entering --- this sentence lacks subject consistency. It should be 'Once CHILDREN GO to school, they are entering'

You should use connectives like 'nevertheless', 'however' or 'on the other hand',... to link the two body paragraphs and improve your coherence.

Writing Feedback / [IELTS] advantages vs disadvantages .requiring revision [4]

As for me --- I think this expression is a little informal and more common in speaking. You should use phrases like: I am of the opinion that, In my opinion,...

And because of --- don't start a sentence with AND.
a long-term travel --- what do you mean? Travel for a long time?
If they travel through train or bus ---If they travel BY train or bus
The authorities have taken measures on this problem. --- The authorities have taken measures TO ALLEVIATE this problem.

Some great vocab and sentence structures that you have! However, I think the second body paragraph was not fully developed.
Also, maybe you should write the disadvantage para at the beginning of the body, and make some connections with the advantages para like: 'Nevertheless, I believe that cheap air travel brings numerous benefits that can certainly outweigh its drawback.', and then write about the advantages. This can help make your point stronger. Just a suggestion though.

Best

Writing Feedback / certain high schools require students to learn foreign language while other let stude [2]

schools are playing very bigimportant role to makein improving a students'carriercareer (SPELLING) prospects .
only school build's up a students entire life from the age of first to till university level. => this sentence is not clear. revise it.

Try not to make spelling mistakes: carrier => CAREER; their => THERE
Also, pay attention to the use of apostrophes ( ' ): build's up; students entire life; i m not; foreign language's; cant put; students mind is

And like quyhoe said, work hard on your grammar so that you can express yourself clearly and other people can understand you (especially verb tenses)

Best of luck

Undergraduate / 'when I was child, story' - Write about a person that you admire [2]

Maybe it is --- THAT COULD BE (don't use IT to address a person)
my mother who is the most important ---my MOTHER IS the most important
First of all, I think that my mother is a smart woman. --- leave out 'I THINK THAT' to make the sentence stronger.
helped me to do homework and prepared the lessons --- helped me to do MY homework and PREPARE
the lessons
To prove for this character, I wanted to tell a story, --- leave out this part because readers will know when you're telling a story when you tell it.

Unfortunately, My mother seemed to --- FORTUNATELY, My mother seemed to
when I make a difficult problem --- when I HAVE a difficult problem
have confidences. --- what do you mean?
The mother will always be proud in me --- MY mother will always be proud OF me
The woman whom I will usually love and respect all my life. --- MY MOTHER IS The woman whom I will usually love and respect all my life.

Make sure that use the correct grammar structures and check the meanings of the words that you use properly.

Writing Feedback / healthy body - learning prevention will lead to many useful things in our life [5]

I am in favour of, a large percentage of budget should go to health education and preventative measures --- I am in favour of THE OPINION THAT a large percentage of budget should go to health education and preventative measures . (You must say 'i am in favour of something', not 'in favour of + clause')

So , i believe that --- don't start a sentence with SO. It's informal. You can use connectives like FIRST, FIRSTLY, FIRST OF ALL,...

taking care of our health will avoid us from many harmful things --- taking care of our health will PREVENT us from many harmful things (You AVOID sth, not sth avoids you from sth else)

many harmful things that will have a very bad effect on our health --- this is too general. Write an example to clarify yourself.

Best

Writing Feedback / IELTS - give us your view about engertainment and educative museums . [3]

Hi,

For this kind of essay, you must discuss both views in two paragraphs (one for entertainment and one for education).
Also, you must write at least 250 words for a task 2 essay, but yours has only 140 words.

Best

Writing Feedback / IELTS MODERN SOCIETIES NEED SPECIALIST IN CERTAIN FIELDS [3]

Hi,

In the intro, you need to write a motivator, then paraphrase the topic, and state your opinion (whether or not the advantages of the policy outweigh its disadvantages). Don't beat about the bush.

For each body paragraph, write a topic sentence for your main idea before explaining it further.
As for the conclusion, again paraphrase the topic and state your opinion.

Also, I think some of your expressions aren't very academic. For example: 'A
thing like this', 'this world needs something from', 'so governments schould think twice'. And don't make spelling mistakes: schould, problm, form.

Best

Writing Feedback / TOEFL; plethora of convenient stores in Taiwan: 7-11, Family [2]

has greatly enhance the quality of people's lifestyle due to the fact that there is more expand time we can use and it is able to enjoy foreign food not being abroad. --- has greatly IMPROVED the quality of people's LIVES due to the fact that there is more FREE time AVAILABLE and WE ARE able to enjoy foreign food WITHOUT HAVING TO GO abroad.

due to the convenient of assessing food --- THANKS to the CONVENIENCE of assessing food (you just used 'due to' in the previous sentence so for this one, replace it with 'thanks to' or 'owing to'

Writing Feedback / 'comparison the sales of CD' - Bar chart of IELTS task-1 [3]

In the intro, you need to write a general statement.

There is a gradual rise in the games software --- There WAS a gradual rise in the games software
When comes to DVDs --- WITH REGARD to DVDs
there is a drastic rise in the sales --- you just use 'rise' in the previous sentence. Replace it with 'INCREASE' to avoid repitition.

You're writing about the past (2000-2003) so make sure all the verbs are in past tense.
Also, write numbers below 10 in full words (four instead of 4).

Best

Writing Feedback / 'the progress of the nation' - spend their lives doing the same things and avoiding [3]

performing the same things repeatedly --- you just used the exact same phrase in the intro.
''the same set of events repeatedly. Therefore, people who perform the same things'' and ''everyone perform the same things repeatedly'' --- again with these phrases. You could write: ''carrying out similar tasks again and again''

the chance of doing mistakes --- the chance of MAKING mistakes