Writing Feedback / IELTS - Using a computer every day can have more negative than positive effects [9]


.... well, let me give some of my thoughts too :)
Your overall approach for the essay looks good except for the intro. Follow dumi's approach for the intro when you do your next essay. However, the body paras look good. They contain the reasons for defending your view, plus the examples. The main weakness I find with your writing is that your sentences are too lengthy;


.... such length disturbs the flow ... :(

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: Total school spending in the UK [5]

Yes, dumi is right. The overview must present more relevant info about the graphs.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: Teaching is harder than it was in the past. [4]

Your intro looks pretty lengthy and it might put you in trouble at the exam.

Undergraduate / Rutgers Transfer Recommended Acceptance Essay [4]

A Rutgers education will allow me to attain my personal and professional goals through a high quality education recognized worldwide. A higher education is very valuable to me because I believe it will build a bridge to the person that I dream of becoming.the my desired career path with what I actually study now.

I think you need to have a more focus on you in your writing. Avoid talking about known general stuff. Give them a chance to know you better through your writing :)

Writing Feedback / TOEFL..Dormitory or apartment? Which is better for students to choose? [9]

Yes, she will for sure :D and so do we too :)

As dumi keeps telling, I too feel that you write pretty well :) However, I wish you include examples (mostly in specific nature) to support your reasoning.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Freedom for creative artist - 'show their idealism freely' [7]


Yes, I too agree with dumi :)


... this has several issues - grammar, clarity , presentation :(
Boredom and less freedom do lots of harm to a creative artist as he or she can never come up with any creative work when they suffer with these feelings.

This essay too looks a bit bulky. Have you managed time well for this task or you ran out of time? You need to stick to a particular approach if you aim at going for a great score.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Part of nation's history - "Old building" [3]

This body para is too lengthy :( You should be mindful about the time you spend on each para as your target should be to complete the essay on time.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task - CHANGING CAREER AND PLACE OF LIVING ; POSITIVE OR NEGATIVE? [7]

It is felt by many that changing careers ensures financial security because people shift their careers to earn better salaries .people can progress in their careers when they change career to better their prospects.

Thus it clearly shows that people change their careers to earngain monetary benefits .
Take example ofthe famous Indian cricketer Navjot Singh Sidhu for example.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL - Employers should provide smoking areas for their employees [4]

First, it is great had you included the prompt of this task in this thread. Your prompt provides us lots of information and we can provide you with more meaningful comments as we can align our comments with what your prompt requires.

So I think it is better to probodeprovide a seperateseparate area for the employees who smoke.

Writing Feedback / Ielts task 2: What factors measure country's status. [3]

You write very well. First, you follow a good approach and your essay is well structured. Second, you have good ideas and you adequately defend your position with good reasons and examples. Pay a little more attention to grammar and vocabulary. Also pay attention to what dumi has suggested above. Those are great suggestions :)


See, you've got the credit from dumi too, which very rarely comes from her ....LOL ;)

Writing Feedback / Being a celebrity has plenty of benefits than downsides [6]


... well, this is not a strong hook. You need to open your essay with a hook (opening statement) that has the ability to grab your reader's attention. So, the hook needs to be catchy, interesting and most importantly relevant to your topic because hook should provide a great entrance to your essay. This particular sentence lacks those qualities to qualify to be a good hook.

Writing Feedback / Some people say the world would be a better place without private cars [3]

It has been argued that if there are no cars in the world, life would be more agreeablecomfortable. (stop here) whereas someHowever, there some people who believe that private cars are very imperativean essential part in their life.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Children from poorer families are more successful in the future life. [7]

According to some people, child who is brought up in less well-off family is more quick-witted and he or she can tackle with an adult life problems in adult life better than who isa child comes from an affluent onesfamily


Well, this does not seem to be directly aligned with your opinion. In the body paras you need to justify your opinion by giving reasons as to why you hold that opinion and then support them with examples.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Foreign language instruction should begin in kindergarten [4]

You need to have examples to support your reasoning. Examples earn you marks.

Writing Feedback / Ielts task 2: Recent medical problems and sedentary lifestyle. [9]

It seems you follow a very good approach for this task :)
To begin with, I agree that sedentary lifestyle leads to many serious health problems.
The main reason why people are becoming so addicted to sittingat their homes even for the whole day is an advance technology.physically inactive is due to the influence of advance technology.


First, the environmental pollution is one of the major threats that the world is facing today that has given rise to greenhouse gas emissions.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1. Parcels delivered by Federal Express and TNT Mail Services [5]

This detail body para is too bulky. Slim it down and have two body paras. :) Have some logic to separate paras. You can have one for describing the trends of both TNT and Federal Express and the next para for contrasting them. Or you can have one for TNT and the other for Federal Express. It is always good to have two paras instead of one :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: Birth and Death rates in Switzerland [4]

Yes, this is very very good writing, I must say :)
As dumi also mentioned, I too like if you had one more para for the body (details). I don't think it would be difficult for you :) You write very well and why not get the maximum score for this task? :D

How about time? Have you been able to finish it on time? If so, you are ready to take up the task :)

Undergraduate / US College application essay. check my essay for mistakes. [4]

I would like to get an Associate in Arts degree in Business major at [US College] for transfer to a university and get a Business Administration degree(this part is not very clear .... I think you better rephrase) . The first reason I choosefor choosing this college is that the collegeit is quite near the home of my older brother who lives in California. This is convenient and cost effective for me a foreign student like me, to go from home to the school Secondly, the most important reason is that as I have entered [college's website] to learn procedures for enrollment, I have seenfounda very impressive comment along with a portraitprofile of a student who is the same nationality as me (I removed the brackets) on the website of the college. This makes me believe that the college is suitable for me to continue my education and I mightwould be welcomed there.

Writing Feedback / IELTS academic rich-poor conflict [6]


.... It is not very clear that you talk about the gap between the individuals or the nations. Better specify.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: technology affects people's interaction with each other [8]

Ok, you can adopt the same approach (dumi's suggestion for INTRO) here;
It is true that newly-invented technologies have been changing the way we communicate with each other.(hook)
They have also affected people's relationships in various ways resulting both positive and negative effects (background)
However, in my own opinion, I believe the negatives outweigh the positives of technological influence on human relationships. (thesis statement)

Writing Feedback / Societies are facing a growing problem with obesity. IELTS [7]

Another problem is that the indoor, but sedentary activities can attract people`s attention by making them stay under inactive lifestyles.people today have the option of working from home that discourages human activities.

A third cause of the problem is that one's genes too have a strong influence on a person`shis or her personal weight.

Writing Feedback / Technology deteriorate the human thinking; new types of problems [5]

It is not wrong to say that we rely more on calculators for solvingproblemsperforming basic arithmetic calculations than doing it our selves. or instead of finding the parking places at the shopping malls ,doing online shopping is more feasibleFurther, online shopping is more efficient and cost effective than doing shopping physically.

You need to first tell the reason and then support that reason with specific examples;
First, people get benefited by higher efficiency levels of modern technological devices. For example,a calculate is much faster than accurate in performing basic mathematical calculations than a human brain.

Writing Feedback / Decisions that are made quickly are always wrong. Do you agree or disagree? [6]

To begin with my reasons, decisions made in a hurry can often cause problems. We won't be able to analyze the problemsproblem or think about its long term effectsconsequences when we make decisions in a rush . For instance, personal decisions say aboutlike decisions onmarriage needs to be given serious considerations to avoidthe results will be devastating results in future in case if the decision goes wrong.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: In the modern world, we should never be impolite to another person. [7]

Pay attention to the approaches that dumi and eddies have suggested above. As dumi has rightly said, this essay is way too lengthy for this task. Remember, time plays a very vital role in this task and if you do not follow an appropriate approach during your test sessions, you would not be able to train yourself to finish this target on time when you are at the exam. So, you need to practice your essays following an appropriate approach for this task.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 2 : Effects of Technology on people's relationship. [9]

You need to pay attention to your essay structure. Follow the approach dumi has suggested. It helps you earn a good score as well as manage time efficiently for this task at the exam. I can see you write very well. However, the organization of paragraphs need lots of improvement. You should at least have 4 paras (as dumi has suggested above) that includes introduction, body paras and a conclusion. Otherwise you may lose lots of marks as your essay is not aligned with their marking criterion.

Letters / 'recommending Ms. A' - SCHOLARSHIP PROGRAM [4]


It is with great pleasure that I recommend Ms A for the program of Master's Degree in Business Administration at your esteemed institution. I have known her since ????? in the capacity of her professor in Accounting.


... I think you better rephrase this sentence. What is the importance of mentioning this particular detail? Give more emphasis to that factor!

Writing Feedback / IELTS. X Disease Cases in Someland (1960-1995) [4]

The line graph illustrates the change number regarding the number of cases of X disease occurringreported over 35 years in Someland from 1960 to 1995.

As an overall trendOverall, some periods over those years experienced stable at case numbers while other showed either increase or decrease.
Well, this is what I suggest;
Overall, the number of cases had a gradual increment between 1965 to 1980 and thereafter it had experienced a steady decline up to zero level by the end of the period.

Writing Feedback / IELTS 2: Problems encountered by students in abroad [9]


Yes, word "hail" is not wrong and that is the very reason I did not change it in the first instance you used it;


... I suggested you to change it when you are using it repeatedly in the second line as it is too quick to be repeated. Repetition is not recommended so much in essay writing be it an idea, word or even a phrase. Hope you got my point too :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS: dangers derived from the use of chemicals in food production [3]

This intro is too lengthy and you will run into problems if you do not handle time for each section of your essay. Stick to hook, background and thesis statement. Otherwise you would be wasting time on intro unnecessarily.


What does this mean? Is it -
First, many chemicals are being used to preserve food for future consumption.
They know that noodle contain matter of chemical such preservative (sodium benzoate) which is dangerous for their brain.

You need to pay lots of attention to your essay structure. You still haven't grasped the idea about what features it should contain. Follow dumi's guidelines if you aim at a good IELTS band.

Writing Feedback / Toefl writing; "Can money buy you happiness?" - use money in a proper way [10]


Well, you seem to be having an understanding about the approach you need to follow for the intro of this TOEFL Independent Writing Task. Your intro contains the parts of Hook, Background (this is not adequately done - you need to introduce the background of the issue with a better alignment to the prompt) and the Thesis statement. However, there are several issues I find in this intro. Grammar comes on top of them. Clarity of your ideas too is a concern. Let's see what you need to improve;


.... this I guess is your hook statement. However, it is pretty confusing as it fails to deliver a clear idea... you need to rephrase this sentence.


.... grammar fix
Money not only tempts people to crave for more things, but also may destroy a person.


... This is fine. You could have used this as the hook too to open your essay.

Writing Feedback / IELT TASK 2 :TV programmes should be blocked "agree or disagree" [6]

Television gives many disadvantages for ushas many negative effects on our society.


.... this is a very confusing sentence :( you need to rephrase this line to convey your idea to the reader.


For example, TV programs contain scenes that are not so appropriate for children to watch including violent and sex scenes. They may adversely affect their young and inexperienced minds and may have very negative consequences on society.

Writing Feedback / Toefl iBT: Staying in one place is better than moving number of places [2]

I hope you pay attention to the approach dumi suggested. Have the parts of Intro, Body paras and Conclusion. In the body paras, give more prominence to the reason that you use to justify your choice. Also, you need to stay aligned with the prompt. Your prompt asks you -


You talk about staying in your own hometown and it indirectly sends the message that you like to stay in one place. But it is better you said it more straight :(

Writing Feedback / IELTS: taxing private car owners heavily in order to solve traffic problems [3]

This is too big for an intro. I think we have provided you an appropriate guideline structure for the intro. This task has a major bearing on time and your target should be to complete the task within the allocated time. So you've got to manage time effectively. The guidelines provided by dumi, myself and other contributors aim at helping you finish this task on time while having all features included for you to earn a good score.

Letters / Letter of Continued Interest for UPenn [4]

While I know that UPenn has a lot to offer me as a student , I also feel that I would bring asome unique perspective to my class and become a dynamic contributor to the community.

As well asIn addition to maintaining good grades in school, I have been involved inwith my church and music activities.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: Travel to and from UK and popular countries visited by BRITON [7]

I agree with dumi. You write quite well, but here you need to adopt a more appropriate tone for the task. This is different to IELTS TASK2 , the independent essay for which you experience much more freedom :) Further, I like if you included more data in your detail body paras. They seem to be a bit too sleek than they should be :D

Writing Feedback / spending money on computer technology or on basic needs? [3]

Hope you pay attention to our previous posts and accordingly improve your essay structure :) This essay sounds too personal and by presenting it in that manner, you have narrowed down its scope severely which is not proper.

First of all, let us consider the education system of our country. (you should come to examples once you finish justifying your position in the argument)

Writing Feedback / IELTS Graph: Changes in the birth rates of China and USA [6]

Why do you keep saying "alteration of birth rates" ? I don't get what you really mean :( The above para has lots of grammar errors and also clarity issues :(

In China, birth rate have fluctuated heavily during first 30 years from 1920 to 1935.


You need to maintain past tense because these are figures that belonged to the past. Also, pay lots of attention to grammar and clarity of your sentences.

Writing Feedback / Talent vs hard-working; importance of environment, desire outweigh any endowment [6]


I too feel the same way ... I think you are going out of topic. Let's look at this body para;


Well, there is only very little alignment I too can find between the above para and your prompt. You really do not have talk about very advance stuff, but to talk about things that are more relevant to your topic. Also, stay with your prompt always without having your writing deviated from its primary objective.

Writing Feedback / IELTS 2: Problems encountered by students in abroad [9]

Secondly, there will be cultural differences among students who hail from various countries and backgrounds. Thus, students who hailcome from same country with similar backgrounds may try to form as a group. This type of clicks will further worsen the healthy environment in a class and would tend to create a rift among students. As a result, the main qualities of students such as unity,friendliness and cooperative to each othercorporation between studentswillcompletely dissolve in their meaningmay be affected negatively .

Undergraduate / UC Davis waitlist - clinical opportunities I can bring?? [3]

UC Davis is my top choice for pursuing undergraduate studies in the field of Biology, as well as dedicating myself to the community. because ??????? (tell why you think it is your top choice)

The second part is not really getting connected with the first idea :(
The rest of it sounds fine for me :)
Good luck!