Posts by eddies [Contributor]

eddies [Contributor]

Mar 5, 2014

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 2: History a fascinating subject. [3]

Hellooo Freinds...
I'm preparing an IELTS exam. I need feedbcak. Task Response, Coherence and Cohesion, Lexical Resource and Grammar.

Question:
Some people find history a fascinating subject. Others say it is dull and has no place in modern life. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

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Answer:

Different people have different taste. This personal perspective also raises when we talk about history. For some people, history is a fascinating lesson which takes someone who learns this more socially aware of what happened in the past. While this proven one can be accepted, the opponents argue that history is very dull compared with all those interesting things people meet in modern life. Analyzing both views of history as a fascinating or boring-to-outdated subject will be examined in this essay.

For some people, history is about interesting moment in the past, which can be learnt from books and movies. There are many books written specifically for historic times. For example, how Roman Empire created irrigation system or how the pyramids of Egypt were built can be recorded as part of history that schoolchildren or scholars can read and find what the insight is in. There are more likely to discuss the reasons why some people study history. Indeed, one of them, for which these people might say 'yes', is that they could discover such an interesting timeline story. Perhaps what Maureen Clemmons wondered about a giant kite lifting heavy objects, after perusing a book which she found in the monuments of Egypt, is a riveting testimony of history.

Like in classrooms, history can be commonly found as a general subject to teach students about fascinating life stories in the past. Also, History really teaches many useful skills. These include: the ability to think critically and construct arguments, awareness of differing points of views and understanding cultures. But, what if this has been distorted? An example of the history of Soeharto's new order and its legacy which has been presented with oversimplified information in History in my country, even if no agenda, this takes schoolchildren consciously and subconsciously persuaded with narrow dogmatism in the past. Indeed, this is such antiquarian knowledge which is of no practical use in modern life.

Apparently, some others do not really care about what happened in the past. 'What done is done', it is the best quote to show their feelings about history which is outdated. These people tend to think that it's time to pursuit their values and goals. Result shows that the numbers of people who like reading history and going to museums are experiencing a severe downturn, while the percentages of motivation books and tickets of nightlife and clubs, which are sold out, show the growing trend in consumer choice. Perhaps history is just meaningless symbols to them.

In the end, it is up to them to entail what history is for. Where possible, I think people should realize everything starts from the past, so they could learn something valuable in the past for their future. But, people are free to express their preferences through the willingness-to-pay choices in modern life. One example is history.

eddies [Contributor]

Mar 7, 2014

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 1: International students graduating from universities in Canada [2]

Hellooo Freinds...
I'm preparing an IELTS exam. I need feedbcak. Task Response, Coherence and Cohesion, Lexical Resource and Grammar.

Question:
The graph below shows the percentage change in the number of international students graduating from universities in different Canadian provinces between 2001 and 2006.
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Answer:

The chart provides information regarding a comparison in percentage of overseas graduate students from universities based on several regions in Canada from 2001 to 2006.

According to the graph, in 2001 there were just about 3-to-7 percent graduate pupils from abroad per each region in Canada. However, the following years, the percentage of the overseas students were about 3-8 percent higher than those in 2001.

A more detailed look at the graph shows that both in 2001 and 2006, New Brunswick broke a record as a province in Canada with the highest overseas graduate students: nearly 7-to-13 percent, followed by Nova Scotia and Quebec where came second and third in the all provinces. Indeed, in 2006 universities in British Columbia officially allowed international students to graduate with more than double its percentage in 2001, from just above 4 % to around 10%. There was the highest increase of the other regions.

Having been presented in the graph, Alberta was not as popular as three provinces: Manitoba, Newfoundland & Labrador and Ontario, perhaps decreasing international graduation from its universities, from 2001 to 2006!

Clearly, by comparison with the other provinces in which the percentage of foreign scholars was getting increase over the five-year period, the proportion of the international students in Alberta showed the reverse.

eddies [Contributor]

Mar 7, 2014

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 1: The continuous movement of water on, above & below the surface of the Earth [7]

Hellooo Freinds...
I'm preparing an IELTS exam. I need feedbcak. Task Response, Coherence and Cohesion, Lexical Resource and Grammar.

Question:
The diagram below shows the water cycle, which is the continuous movement of water on, above and below the surface of the Earth.
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Answer:

The diagram illustrates the ongoing process of the water passing from ocean to air to land, which is known as the water cycle.

How does the process unfold? There are 3 main stages shown on the diagram: evaporation of ocean water, precipitation and dripping water to the sea. The evaporation which contributes 80% of water vapor in the air coming from the oceans is awarded the first stage in the diagram. Heat evaporates the water which is turned into water vapor condensing to form clouds. At the second stage, there presently is precipitation, which is the amount of water falling on the ground coming second in this process.

The last stage in the diagram, the rainwater is stored in lakes after falling into the ground. Again, this water forms snow at the top of the mountain. While some of the water may reach the impervious layer of the earth, the other returns to the ocean via surface runoff, perhaps reflecting in high levels of groundwater and saltwater intrusion. This process will take place continuously if the water falls into the sea.

Clearly, the water cycle, which is required to produce water from ocean to land, consists of three stages without losing overall coherence.

eddies [Contributor]

Mar 7, 2014

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 2: The rise of overweight children in developed countries [3]

HelloooGuys...
I'm preparing an IELTS exam. I need feedbcak. Please gimme your suggestion to improve my: Task Response, Coherence and Cohesion, Lexical Resource and Grammar.

Question:
The number of overweight children in developed countries is increasing. Some people think this due to problems such as the growing number of fast food outlets. Other believe that parents are to blame for not looking after their children's health. Discuss.

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Answer:

Throughout the history, anthropological studies show Queen Inhapy, Hatshepsut and King Ramses III who were the most famous and the earliest proof of overweight people. During that time, it was assumed that the more people weighed, represented a higher rank in social status. Unfortunately, this extra weight for some people who live in modern era may cause health problems. In developed countries, the number of overweight children, for example, grows faster. This presently comes from the majority of growing fast food and parents who neglected children's health. Analyzing these issues to unfold the reasons why obesity in children increases particularly in developed countries will be examined before coming on to a final decision. My inclination is argued further.

Admittedly, American-founded fast food chains have succeeded with outlets across the globe. The other reason why the popularity of the quick-service restaurants booms is because they serve tasty convenient food for a reasonable price. Again, almost 70% of the fast food restaurants have on-site playgrounds and offer free toys or other giveaways to attract children. In America, one in four families with children visits the fast food restaurant everyday. Even though this food is loaded with high fat content, some people particularly those having school age choose this food as their main meals. For example, a McDonald's Big Xtra Hamburger contains 790-to-810 calories, while 300 ml of Pepsi has 170 Calories. It means if schoolchildren eat that, they will have approximately 980 calories. As a result, children will have a lot of weight gain.

The second view also argues many parents could not supervise their children activities: a lack of energy balance and a waste of pocket money, which could also cause overweight. For example, if parents go to work, children spend too much time viewing TV while munching snack food. Not surprisingly, a lot of kids are overweight couch potatoes today, because children's energy IN doesn't balance on energy OUT. Again, some parents in developed countries provide a regular sum of money giving to their children. With the pocket money, children could buy their daily necessities. But, do the children know how to use the money appropriately? The answer is sadly 'NO'. Most children buy something is not suitable for their health, such as fast food containing salt and artery-clogging cholesterol.

Ultimately, considering the two factors which are not secondary, overweight in children has been an accurate portrayal of life in developed countries. Where possible, I think parents should consider what children do as to maintain healthy life.

eddies [Contributor]

Mar 7, 2014

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 1: The total number of minutes (in millions) of telephone calls in Finland [4]

Hi.., evening everyone
I write the IELTS visual writing. Please gimme your suggestion to improve my: Task Response, Coherence and Cohesion, Lexical Resource and Grammar.

Question:
The chart below shows the total number of minutes (in millions) of telephone calls in Finland, divided into three categories, from 1995 - 2004.
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Answer:
The chart provides information regarding the overall time spent by Finland's residents on different types of telephone calls, during a 9-year period, from 1995 to 2004.

In general, the three categories: local, national-and-international landline and mobiles show a parallel increase after a starting point in the first year of the period, although the category of local landline calls decreased slightly towards the end of the period.

Referring to the data between 1995 and 2004, local-landline calls were the highest throughout the period, rising from 12000 million minutes in 1995 to just under 17000 million in 2000. After a short peak at 17000 million the following year, these calls had fallen back to the 1995 figure by 2004. The other significant changes demonstrated to National and international land-line calls grew steadily from 6000 million to 10500 million at the end of the period in question, though the growth slowed over the last two years.

Surprisingly, there was a dramatic increase in mobile calls from 250 to 9800 million minutes. This rise was particularly noticeable between 2000 and 2004, during which time the use of mobile phones tripled.

In the end, if we analyze the data we can see that the gap between the three categories had narrowed considerately over the second half of the period in question, although local land-line calls were still the most popular in 2004.

eddies [Contributor]

Mar 7, 2014

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 2: Good exam results at school or college guarantee success in life. [4]

Hi there...
I'm preparing an IELTS exam. In this writing, I am working with Task Response, Coherence and Cohesion, Lexical Resource and Grammar. I'd appreciate any suggestion you may have.

Question:
Do good exam results at school or college guarantee success in life? Discuss the advantages that a good education can have on your future. Do you believe that studying hard will bring a better life?

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Answer:
As a result of studying hard, some people achieving qualified exam results at school or college automatically equate with a time of economic prosperity. Although this is surely authentic, the upside of the scheme outweighs the downside.

In a level examination, students should crack the reasons for the questions and the ways in many which they happen will be discovered. Though exams do not perfectly assess a student's mental ability, they are extremely necessary, since they force students to apply their knowledge to real-life situations so as to achieve attainment. Starkly juxtaposed Japan with England and Wales, in 1960s Land of Rising Sun significantly broke superior record in terms of average mathematical exams. One of the decisive factors why this record increased was because schoolchildren after hours were sent to JUKU to have extra help and encourage them to work harder. But, can we assume spending time to study hard will outweigh the upside of the whole success?

There is a tendency from to every educational institution to expect different things from different people. One illustration is 'STUDY HARD'. The merits of working hard in college which they would take many books to detail are so numerous. Also, hard work that represents a grueling test leads to better grades. Result publishes almost 7 million college graduates on excellent grades poured into China's job market in 2013, but this breathtaking report shows the downside: this movement ironically creates the current crunch for idleness. What Jay Walker trying to sample of delights of GAKAO exam in China when speaking to TED could not be taken seriously as a broad parameter to deduce study hard is always the same boat as better life.

The volume of Indonesian youth who study abroad is getting a dramatic increase for the past few years. It is due largely to the thought of participating actively in the western education which is of more first-class facilities and graded educators could lead to a wide knowledge to ensure better future. I deliberate this idea seems dubious. As far as they could not look towards themselves, they won't be able to enhance their future prospect. They should ponder they are the only piece of equipment that needs turning in order to produce results. Regardless of having graduation, Steve jobs, was a CEO of Apple, could switch from the modest to advance way of netizens minimizing use of many devices by revealing mega design: iPad.

Ultimately, to have a better life everyone doesn't need to get better results in every school/college exams. Where possible, they should learn how to live with a thirst for knowledge, which is the vital factor.

eddies [Contributor]

Mar 7, 2014

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 2: The position of women in society has changed markedly in the last 20 years. [12]

Heloo Dumi..., It has been 2 weeks from the off since I posted this writing. I really expect this two-way interact with you :D
Yes. I also felt this

Well, this whole para is totally out of topic.

. From the first para, what I tend to emphasize is to show the readers the current issue regarding the topic of the prompt. Then, coming the second para, here did I write for the topic

a career woman is mostly blamed for current condition when level of juvenile delinquency is increasing.

Is this (para 1 & 2) not good paragraph constructions? or can this fairly uncommon way be an acceptable offer because this is closely linked into the following paras particularly focusing on the topic given?

Very much thank you, Dumi :)

eddies [Contributor]

Mar 7, 2014

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 2: Capital punishment (the death penalty) in society [12]

Hi Dumi... good to have you here :D

it is always good to follow one particular structure during practice sessions :)

Valuable advice, thank you.

It is nicer when youconclude the intro with a statement expressing your opinion very clearly.

To readers' surprise, I express my opinion in the concluding paragraph. Is it quite okay?

eddies [Contributor]

Mar 7, 2014

Speeches / Speech oral speaking about traditional clothes of malaysia [3]

Hello Fadiahtul...

can you help me by adding some new brand ideas for my speech

Well.., to come up with the idea(s) is to write the Who, What, Where, When, Why, and How method. What I have seen is you have done so far. However, you need to more specific. Try and complete the 5 lists below with "who" and then list as many people as you can think about, then go onto the word "what" and make a list. Keep going with "where", "when", "why", and "how."

1.

malay mowen wear the sari.

The salwar kameez or punjabi suit is popular with northern Indian ladies

The kurta is the traditional attire for men on formal occasions.

The traditional clothes for chinese women is the cheongsam or qipao.

They wear the elegant kebaya that can be described as traditional high fashion.

This can be used when you establish the main topic about which you plan to speak.
Good Luck :D

eddies [Contributor]

Mar 7, 2014

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 2: The traditional skills and ways of life die out. [4]

Hello Frineds..
In this writing, I am working with Task Response, Coherence and Cohesion, Lexical Resource and Grammar. Please give me some feedbakc.

Question:
When a country develops its technology, the traditional skills and ways of life die out. It is pointless to try and keep them alive. Discuss.

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Answer:

Technology has developed rapidly during the last twenty years. It opens opportunity for people to improve their quality since it is able to make everything gets an easy access to do. This situation leads us to stay away from several traditional skills such as writing, washing and making fire.

In this era, almost everyone owns a portable computer. Some people claim that they can't live without it. It causes many of us are no longer enjoyed to make note manually. Some people believe that hand writing is not efficient anymore as everything is requested in the form of soft file. So, when they write instead of typing it directly, it means that they have to do double jobs anyway.

When people own a washing machine, people tend to lose their skill to wash by hand though they realize that their clothes will be cleaner when they do it. They think that washing by hand is wasting time. Instead of spending hours only to wash, we could do other useful activities.

Another technology that is very close to human's life is gas stove. By simply clicking the button, we are able to get fire. We don't need to give some efforts such as rubbing stones or dry branches only to get fire.

Personally, I think technology has done a great job to make our life easier. Thus, it is true that we are hardly willing to do some jobs manually these days. However, should not be too paralyzed by technology. I believe that in a moment when we are not forced by deadline, we could still do many things manually. Sometimes, it could give us a kind of relaxation. Besides, these traditional skills are needed to survive when we are in the area without any sufficient technology provided.

Thank you :D

eddies [Contributor]

Mar 7, 2014

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 2: Capital punishment (the death penalty) in society [12]

Aha!.. I clearly understand now. Many thanks Dumi :D

And for this --->

Who knows whether they read it in full? ...LOL

hahahahahaha.... I LOVE that, too funny for words. This would be perfect to kick off my weekday.

eddies [Contributor]

Mar 7, 2014

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 1: How a thermos flask works. [4]

Hellooooo Guys :)
Please give me some relevant feedback about Task Response, Coherence and Cohesion, Lexical Resource and Grammar on this visual writing.

Question:
The diagram opposite shows how a thermos flask works.
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Answer:

The picture below describes the components of thermos flask, which can maintain temperature in several hours.

In general, there are seven main components of thermos flask. The first component is insulated support; this part is located at the bottom of the flask, with a pattern like a half circle. Next part is called vacuum flask. This part is divided into two parts: the part that is near vacuum is poor conductor and in glass envelope - silvered - contains component that has function to decrease infrared radiation. The third component is the outer case, which is part of the body in the outer flask.

The next component is metal plastic, which is located at the neck of the flask. Thermos flask has a cap that is usually made of plastic material. And the last component is plastic cup at the top of thermos flask, which is usually used to drink. Between cap and plastic cap, there are places for some heat lost.

All in all, thermos flask with around 30 - 40cm total of length could control maximum temperature regulations.

eddies [Contributor]

Mar 8, 2014

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task I : Flowchart process of academic writing [6]

Next, making an essay draft is the third stage. It is necessary to plan your essay with organize the content and produce the brief outline; and also first checking for writing style and formal language usage is needed, too.

I try not to use to be verb: As making an essay draft coming third stage, students should necessarily organize and produce the brief outline of the essay. Then, checking for writing style and formal language usage finally tracks the draft.

eddies [Contributor]

Mar 9, 2014

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2: Fast food is unhealthy. Do you agree and disagree? [6]

most of the people, including childrens, teenagers, youngsters, are fond of eating fast food on daily basis

I think this ---> including childrens, teenagers, youngsters, is unnecessary.

eddies [Contributor]

Mar 13, 2014

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 2: What to broadcast on television and what to print in newspapers. [8]

I know you have a good understanding about the structure to follow.

Thank you, Pahan.
I experience problems for the intro as the result of constructing the structure in the introductory paragraph.
When I wrote this paragraph, I tried to experiment with what I have had from the IELTS materials compiled. I know this is a not good way if I am continuing this experiential approaches; I didn't do this for the real exam :)

eddies [Contributor]

Mar 13, 2014

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 2: The position of women in society has changed markedly in the last 20 years. [12]

This task is not good for you to experiment on.

Yes, I could't agree more.

In fact it is not something I invented or created, but a structure that I found doing some research on net.

Thank you very much Dumi. I have my IELTS result. Listening 8.0 | Reading 8.0 | Speaking 8.0 |

and for writing, do you know what the result is ???

Writing: 8.0

Thanks and Big hugs, for You and Pahan :)

eddies [Contributor]

Mar 13, 2014

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 1: The continuous movement of water on, above & below the surface of the Earth [7]

I find this question unnecessary.

you are right, MisterWandering. The sentence is inappropriate for this case.
I always carry out many experiments to test the IELTS writing. And I know this is not good.

I learn a lot from your feedback. Thanks you :)

eddies [Contributor]

Mar 13, 2014

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 2: The position of women in society has changed markedly in the last 20 years. [12]

it gives us more confidence about the frameworks we suggest to our members.

I don't know what to say. Pahan and Dumi, you are GREAT coaches.

eddies [Contributor]

Mar 13, 2014

Scholarship / Scholarship essay for Public Health masters program with focus on Nutrition [3]

As your reader, I say this para is good. However, a few details it takes:

As president and community outreach coordinator of Tallahassee Sustainability Group (a comma) I demonstrated and honed my leadership abilities by overseeing the many projects of TSG and planning, facilitating bi-weekly meetings (stop)~~that~~Also I encouraged collaboration between project teams,(a semi colon here) writing successful grants, planning many events, and managing the 18 community garden beds.

. Pay particular attention to punctuation usage.

eddies [Contributor]

Mar 13, 2014

Writing Feedback / "to teach or understand the concept of the topic" - purpose of teaching and learning is same [7]

a closer look at the prompt given.

It is more important for students to understand ideas and concepts

Here, you should focus this topic on keywords: important ideas, concepts, students to understand. I can't see you have worked with them.

eddies [Contributor]

Mar 13, 2014

Writing Feedback / Some people fail on their school but achieve success in their adult life. Why do you think [3]

here is the prompt:

Some people fail on their school but achieve success in their adult life. Why do you think this will happen?
What causes/reasons may lead to a person's successful life?

and Were I you, I would start analyzing the prompt, like this:
Topic/discussion: Some people fail on their school but achieve success in their adult life.
Task 1: Why do you think this will happen?
Task 2: What causes/reasons may lead to a person's successful life?

A more detailed look at the 2 tasks above, they are called two questions to answer. Therefore, both questions must be covered. As your reader, I didn't see you focus these 2 questions on the body paras.

My word: If you want to uplift your Task Responses/Achievement, then you'd better discuss the 2 tasks.

Surprisingly,~~It is so surprising that how~~ they reached to outstanding success and become game changer in the world economy.

Hope this help :)

eddies [Contributor]

Mar 14, 2014

Writing Feedback / Traffic jams in big cities - headache question for the government to solve [5]

When they create a new project to fix the road or build the overpasses without on time~~. It~~ , this makes traffic become more narrow that is difficult for drivers.

This is good. However, this needs detailed information, adding examples.

Have a meaningful title in the subject field when you open a new thread.

I am with Dumi. By adding the completed prompt, you help readers clearly understand what to do for the task.

eddies [Contributor]

Mar 14, 2014

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 : Australian children leisure activity [5]

For academic writing and other more formal writing situations, you should avoid fragment sentences

By 58 percent Australian boys do art and craft whereas 38 per cent girls chosen such activity for their leisure interest.

Sentence fragments, incomplete sentences. owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/620/1/

by comparison between

using a wrong preposition
By comparison with.... | No comparison between... and...

eddies [Contributor]

Mar 14, 2014

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: Subway system in six major countries [5]

Not surprisingly,

It's often better to play safe in IELTS exam :P
Possible Revision:Overall,... | In general,...

Los Angeles, being inaugurated in 2001 (a comma) carried 50 passengers in the route of 28 kilometers.

the subterranean railways ~~appears~~appeared in the twentieth century in Tokyo. Such trend ~~attaching~~covered 155 kilometer route and reached...

eddies [Contributor]

Mar 14, 2014

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Water Cycle from the ocean to air and to the Earth surface [7]

Moreover, while the groundwater stay in the impervious layer, the water movement keeps going through the line then the salt intrusion may affect seawater become salty; this is the of the third stage.

This is a lengthy sentence.
Possible revision: Moreover, while the groundwater stays in the impervious layer, the water movement keeps going through the line. This results salt intrusion which may affect seawater become salty, coming third stage.

eddies [Contributor]

Mar 14, 2014

Writing Feedback / Relationship between HIGH SALES & POWER OF ADVERTISING [6]

It is concluded that it is the man dependence to purchase things and advertisements have no effects. However, in the case of children it is difficult for parents to control them. It is the duty of government to ban such advertisements which exploit the society.

I like this paragraph. However, you need more work to improve it in order to earn a good score for your exam.

The perfect ending to an essay, I worked with this structure (when facing my previous exam) :
1. a 'conclusion' signal: In conclusion, ....etc,
2. a summary of the main points or a restatement of the thesis (in different words!)
3. a final comment, based on the information in the essay
The final comment can be:
3.1. a warning or prediction (often using the first conditional: If ..., ... will ...)
3.2. a suggestion or recommendation (often using should or must)

Hope this help you :)

eddies [Contributor]

Mar 14, 2014

Writing Feedback / High salaries to sportsmen or other important professions; equally hard work [5]

Hence, I strongly believe that paying successful sportsperson high is totally justificable.

This is very simple. I am not sure you will earn a good score for this. Remember, a clear and precise point of view also comes from a good concluding paragraph.

eddies [Contributor]

Mar 14, 2014

Writing Feedback / Why are Cities Becoming Overcrowded? - IELTS topic. [20]

I know you write well. However, you'd better always try to include the prompt. To give relevant and reliable feedback, we need the prompt which helps us crystallize the ideas from your writing.

eddies [Contributor]

Mar 14, 2014

Writing Feedback / Why are Cities Becoming Overcrowded? - IELTS topic. [20]

Prompt in the sense your opinion about the argument like whether you support the view given in the question or oppose them. Moveover, this has to be written in your introduction itself.

I am with Arun0506. The prompt used in this exam requires candidates to write 'an argument or case', which puts a point of view.

this is a cause and effect essay. I think there should not be any agreeing or opposing opinions.

Yes, you are right. Even this is a cause-and-effect essay, you are asked to express the argument(s), very clearly. And you did. You have presented your points of view. However, to help readers give you the meaningful feedback, readers need the completed prompt to justify your writing by these points:

- Have you provided general factual information?
- Have you outlined a problem and present a solution?
- Have you presented and possibly justify an opinion, assessment or hypothesis?
- Have you presented and possibly evaluate and challenge ideas, evidence, and argument?

To peruse this discussion more closely, please visit: ielts.org/PDF/Vol4_Report2.pdf

Good luck for your exam :)

eddies [Contributor]

Mar 14, 2014

Writing Feedback / Toefl - Advertising can tell you a lot about a country [7]

Advertisements is used for marketing any products and services, it's a wide - spread marketing concept diligently fallowed by global market.

Advertisement is a global concept used for marketing to promote products and services.

However, if you think you need to keep the original one, then you will see your sentence with the following explanation:

Advertisements is used for marketing any products and services, it's a wide - spread marketing concept diligently fallowed by global market.

This is called comma splice, occuring when you use a comma to join two complete sentences without placing an appropriate joining word between them.

eddies [Contributor]

Mar 15, 2014

Writing Feedback / expenditure on fast food by income groups and consumption of fast food (1970-1990) [2]

To me, your grammar is good :)

However, a few details it takes:

The presentation of the introduction should be different from the overview and you can do that by breaking this para down into;
The bar chart shows the changes in weekly spending by Britons on three types of fast food, while the line graph presents the fast-food consumption during a period of 20 years, between 1970 and 1990

Overall, there are three groups of people more likely spend their income per week to consume three types of fast food.

In the low income group,

In the case of low earners,

After late 1980s,

After 1985 onwards,

Looking at the line graph, it Illustrates both hamburgers and Pizza...

A more detailed look at the line graph shows both Hamburgers and Pizza...

eddies [Contributor]

Mar 16, 2014

Writing Feedback / [Ielts task 1] Fish and Meat consumption in Europe from 1979 to 2004 [7]

reduce the length of your sentences a bit more. Long sentence gives more work to the reader as he needs to memorize things. And pay particular attention to tense use. This has a time duration. Therefore PAST tense is required.

eddies [Contributor]

Mar 16, 2014

Writing Feedback / One Official international Language or more languages? [6]

Having explained the merits and demerits of both the views, in my opinion I believe it is better to have unique official language by giving enough importance to local languages.

(why...?) If you could, here you'd better restate what you've mentioned above. Then, show some suggestion or warning in the end of your statement.

FYI: A writer needs to keep in mind that the conclusion is often what a reader remembers best. Your conclusion should be the best part of your paper.

eddies [Contributor]

Mar 16, 2014

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1 : Factors influence job performance [5]

The table reveals evidence

The table compares evidence of WHAT ??? regarding...

Overall, all mentioned factors varied markedly. The groups or worker performed prefentially in the some major factors with different proportion while another minor factors show similar proportion of those groups.

I feel this overview is too complicated. I have seen you work with an excellent overview. Why don't you show it here?

either young ~~and~~or old

a slight contrast

while another two factors

Small stuffs could ruin everything. Pay attention to your basic grammar.

eddies [Contributor]

Mar 16, 2014

Writing Feedback / In my views, there is a positive and negative effects of global tourism in one country [8]

Well, I don't think I am good at that :D

I am with DUMI.
I also can't even show you definitive band scores. If I do, you will put a great deal of trust on me.
We all here focus on recommending ways how you can improve your writing skills - that is a much more useful way to help you to improve your language ability and therefore, your test results.

If you want to take IELTS exam as early as possible, please pay particular attention to grammar and whole points in the table of IELTS writing descriptors (clicking the link above)

eddies [Contributor]

Mar 16, 2014

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING SKILL 1 : Global water use by sector and in 2 different country [11]

Hey... you have drawn attention to the tense form.

in 2000, which is

For this task, you must use the PAST tense when describing information from the past.

eddies [Contributor]

Mar 16, 2014

Writing Feedback / IELTS - TASK1 - BAR CHART - average bed use in three typical hospitals [7]

Overall, the proportion of bed usage in Chinese hospitals showed the largest increase among the others.

To provide readers with a clear view of the main trends of the given charts, write your overview paragraph after the introduction.

eddies [Contributor]

Mar 16, 2014

Writing Feedback / Traditional methods of cooking is likely to be extinct - IELTS writing [7]

Convenience foods will become increasingly prevalent

---> the part of your prompt. You need more words to discuss this point given.

eddies [Contributor]

Mar 16, 2014

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 - Describing chart - help me to correct if any mistakes! [6]

In conclusion, the figures showed in the above table the divergency of consumer expenditure on various items. The percentage of spending on food, drinks and tobacco was highest whereas that on leisure and education was lowest.

This is good. However, you'd better have an overview instead of a conclusion. Write your overview paragraph after the introduction. The aim is to provide readers with a clear view of the main trends of the given charts.

eddies [Contributor]

Mar 16, 2014

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task I : Male and Female Fitness Membership [5]

To me, 2 details (para) look more organised: selecting the key information, including Number, and making comparison/contrast.
Tell me why you don't break this down into two paras? I have seen you work with the two body paras.