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Posts by aviniwirastri [Contributor]
Name: wiraadiprastyanto
Joined: Mar 16, 2016
Last Post: Nov 23, 2017
Threads: 10
Posts: 35  
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From: indonesia
School: englishpro

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aviniwirastri  [Contributor]  
Nov 23, 2017
Writing Feedback / Each househole and family produces a large amount of rubbish every week [IELTS] [5]

paragraph 1
househole = household (typo)
... from the things we buy = it would be best replaced by "products"
we buy fesh food = fresh (typo)

comments :
1. try to avoid typo, so watch out your spelling. it seems trivial, but if you do it many times, it will not be any good.

2. i do not see any thesis statement in your intro. try to answer the question in general and put it on the intro paragraph, so readers will know what you will discuss.

3. paragraphing
group the idea and organize the paragraph well. i don't see good paragraphing here, you jump from one idea to another idea.
make, at least, 2 full body paragraphs properly!

....Children should get educated...... replaced = "be"

comments :
4. you don't answer all of the questions.
"... reduce the amount of rubbish produced?", this question is not answered in detail.

advice : you don't need to write directly, carefully concept and plan the idea first!, then write.

aviniwirastri  [Contributor]  
Jun 19, 2016
Writing Feedback / Parents less skilled, but are the best teacher, agree or disagree? [5]

hi, zaki..

what kind of essay is this?
if it is ielts writing task 2. you need to write task clearly, so we can easily correct your essay.

paragraph 1:
Each person has their own opinion about whether parents are the best teacher or not.
... parents are the best teachers , because I believe some factors make them are the best .
comments :
the comma (in the last sentence is not necessary)
sub-clause (because....) is not proper.
it is better :"i agree with the idea that parents are the best teachers due to some factors"

paragraph 2 :
On the other hand I agree that parents are the best teacher in order to teach daily life activity . For example when I was a kid,(comma is necessary) my parents teachtaught me how to pray, how to take ...

comments :
1. punctuation
you have to learn how to use comma.
2. on the other hand is used to show something in the opposite (idea / opinion / statement). you don't use it properly.
3. when i was kid = past event as a sub-clause. so does the main clause, my parents taught me...
4. your idea is not well-organized. to write the paragraph, at least you have to follow the pattern : idea-reason-example-result. explain to the reader what the cohesion of teaching how to do your daily activities with your future is!

paragraph 3
However, there are some reasons againtsagainstthe previous idea.
In any case, parents usually can only present only viewpoints of the world, while good teaching ...
Secondly, parents can be a negative impact to children and some parents also teach children how to commit crimeengage in a crime . Many incidents show that children will be a thief if they see their parents are thief thieves.

comments :
1. both your ideas and structures are messed up. so, my advice is "read more English articles. or newspapers and magazines in english!"
2. word choices. before you use a specific word in your writing, you need to ensure whether the word is proper (or not).
3. countable noun. a singular noun should have at least an article (a/an/the).

paragraph 4
In conclusion, the things we learn from our parents are important to our lives ...

comments :
since i don't know what the task or purpose of this essay is, i don't know if it is right or wrong, proper or not.

but, generally speaking, your conclusion does not represent the ideas you mention above.
if it is an IELTS writing task 2, it is less than 250. so you might be in trouble.

keep writing and learn more as i advise you to do.
aviniwirastri  [Contributor]  
Jun 2, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2 - minimalize car usage, why and how? [5]

paragraph 1
Demanding on car is commonly happeneds in society for several reasons, such as for daily basis, making impact in community, and some business needs.
i don't understand with a phrase making impact
While people rely on thesetheir vehicles, i utterly convince that the uncontrollable number of car usedusage will give a vital problem, especially for traffic congestion.

paragraph 2
The immense crucial impact that is caused by highly number of car transport is traffic stagnancy.
This is related to the road which is unable to accommodate many cars. This is exemplified by 10% of rising per year for the number of car10% of rising number of car per year , in India, according to Mumbai University Assessment. This research predicts :, if the increasing trend is remaineds stable for 10 years ahead, it will be possible when people comes out of the house, they will immediately see traffic in front of their home. In the long-run, the traffic shutdown is expected to come about as the number of vehicle miles traveled continues to grow.

paragraph 3
Public transportation is the worth idea to combat against the number of vehicles on the road and vehicle miles traveled.
does the sentence below support (or opposes)?
Thus, where massive transportation is available, it makes roads work better.
what idea do you really want to state?
... it was reveal that 10% of car users who move into public transport can absorb (...) transportation systems which government need to spentd specific huge amount of budget for this solution.

paragraph 4
To sum up, although some say using car is highly probablelikely makes our life easier,
aviniwirastri  [Contributor]  
May 25, 2016
Writing Feedback / "Choosing between a house and a business" - TOEFL Essay [4]

hi buddy...

paragraph 1 :
Clearly, being a business investor costs us nothing.
... our money without knowing that if / (whether = more appropriate in writing) it is profitable or not.
These company(ies) insure our money, and if we lose any, they are certain to give it back to us.
Furthermore, investing in a business createsgives us a chance for us to accumulate wealth.
comment : i don't really get your point. i think you need to start with a main idea, then followed by supporting idea. don't jump from one idea to another.

paragraph 2
In the second place, self-perfection is what I put in my priority in .
We have to understand every company members and involve them to work together in athe same work. (what do you mean with the same work? is it the same portion of work or the same kind of work or what?)

Therefore, this is one of the best ways to develop leadership skill. On the other hand, the possession offounding / establishing / setting up a company requires ...

Sometimes, there is likelihood that we have to do take feedback of ...
Without no doubt, this really helps us to accumulate ...

paragraph 3
First and foremost, what I put in my priority is life essential . It is common knowledge that owing a house showrepresentsthe responsibility of usour responsibility with our family.

More notably, having a house brings you the necessary privacy.
We are likely to free to do the things we like.
comment :
be careful with singular and plural.
structuring a sentence is your biggest problem. as i see that you translate the sentences directly from your mother language. it will sometimes be uncommon in English. so i doubt that your meaning is not appropriately same with what readers capture.

paragraph 4
In the second place, reliable investment is what I put in my priority in . Clearly, being a house buyer is no risky.buying a house has no risk. Our possessionsownership isare protected by the law.

It is possible for us to createbe wealthywithby house trading.

i hope it is useful.thank you.
aviniwirastri  [Contributor]  
May 22, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS - Technological advances in learning methods [3]

hi zarnovi

paragraph 1
I would argue that directly attendattending the general lecture directly will deliver much more benefits.

paragraph 2
On one hand, viewing lectures via internet its becomes more efficient and effective since it was is portableeasy to access everywhere.
... to assist student in self study practice, wherewhich students can ...
... for example, students obtain to have instant solutions towards their problems in understanding the study materials,.itsit is related to online learning that provides the access to all resources of traditional course and ableallows us to attend in different courses.

... students learn how to make friends, to be patient, and especially to compete.

paragraph 3
Class attendance havehas variety of ways to facilitate learning practice.

Firstly, many studentshadhave already understandunderstood the materials whether from internet or online access, behalf attending the class , instructor may go over (...) that apprentices hashave never seen before.

Secondly, classroom environment provides a discussion among the pupils, which countereds teacher with questions to enhance critical thinking skills. Finally, participating in class increases personal development of the pupils,wherewhich they can interact (...) to form study groups, or meet other students in related major.

comments :
your sentence structure does not clearly point out what you really mean.
you have to learn how to use appositive in order to modify the main point.
make sure you recognize the word classification (verb transitive, verb intransitive, noun, adjective and adverb) before starting to write.

re-learnt any functions of adjective clause conjunction. (who/that/which/where/when)
problems with singular and plural frequently occur, so you need to be more careful when writing.

In conclusion, online learning should be seen due toas something that provides studentsin a way of efficiency, effectiveness, and other merits regradingregarding students' self- study assistance. However, I would suggest that participateing in the class gives more advantages to student with the facility which does not exist by online learning.

comments :
task response : i think you've answered all of the task required.
coherence and cohesion : enough. but you need to explore more about using linking words as well as developing your idea more. go online and try to find some specific data needed, so your supporting idea will be rich.

nice try.
keep writing dude! -)
aviniwirastri  [Contributor]  
May 17, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1- The chart below gives information about the most common sports played in New Zealand [3]

hi.. ismawan.. -)

your first sentence
... information about the number of sports played in New Zealand by girls and boy with different sports in 2012
... information about the number of different sports played in New Zealand by girls and boys in 2012.

vocabulary error :
participatory : participation

paragraph 2 :
The bar graph compares of sports done by girls and boy and compare with percentation of each kind of sportsbetween girls and boys
Soccer is the most popular sports among the boys, with percentation reaching 25 percent.
It is similar with netball. The percentation approximately 26 percent. This is a famous sport by girls.
while girls play netball the most.

paragraph 3 :
A few girls choosesa game of cricket while 10 percent of boys takes part in this game almost 10 percent .
Boys and Girls play swimming in take 13 percent and almost 22 percent in swimming .
It becomes popular sport of them
it becomes the most popular sports among them.
On the other hand,the kinds of sports such as tennis, basketball, and martial arts are not popular sports.
Other sports, such as tennis, basketball and martial arts, are less popular.

those are some structural corrections. i hope it will be useful.

best regards,
aviniwirastri  [Contributor]  
May 12, 2016
Writing Feedback / English is no longer a foreign language; it is now a global language. IELTS TASK 2. [7]

hi bottles,
let me give you some comments.

to answer agree / disagree question, like many comments above, yes you need to state your position clearly at first. then you can go with your thesis.

On the one hand, English language is essential in our daily life in terms of work, study, and life.

you body paragraph (2nd and 3rd)
the ideas you mention is too general. it means that you need to rearrange it become more academic. you can follow the steps below.
1. plan first what you want to write. make sure that you have some options. so it is recommended that you make more than one idea each paragraph. then you can choose an idea which has wider point of view.

2. structure the sentence.
simply you can follow the steps : idea - reason - example - result.
or, to make it more complex, you can use : idea - reason - example - contrast - result - solution.
make sure that supporting sentences, following the idea, is coherent.

example :
English is used in many different aspects in the world today, businesses, studies and sorts of international cooperation. it seems impossible to replace it by any other language. (idea)

even though Chinese is now spreading worldwide, English is still dominant due to some reasons. the first, besides one of the oldest language in the world, English has more than a million words in total, with approximately new 8000 words per year. it means that English is appropriate to be an international language. secondly, as a developed country, U.K contributes to many advanced technologies and developments around the world. therefore a number of sources and knowledge are written in English. (reason)

to illustrate, some universities in developing and commonwealth countries use references provided by U.K. as a consequence, learning English is a must in order to gain the knowledge that they never learnt before. (example / illustration)

As a result, Experts, students and societies gradually open their mind to receive a new language, English, as a door of information and science. thus they start to learn it. (result)

the last paragraph :
In conclusion, by introducing English language, people can be providedwithhave the opportunities (...) or revive their mother tonguelanguage
thank you, i hope it will be useful. -)
aviniwirastri  [Contributor]  
May 12, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS (ESSAY) - Education topic (universal and special education) [3]

hi hoon,

i can say that you have a good opening.

paragraph 1
Outstanding students should be taken care of by schools and instructors since this specializedspecial treatment could lead them to perform their best.
i don't really agree with your word choice "taken care". it can be replaced by "treated" / "taught" / "handled"

... hence, if those are required to take lessenslesson together, they may feel boringboredand fewer challenges .
phrase in green : need a verb.
example : they will feel bored and have fewer challenges.

With respect to the reasons, offering special programs withto intelligent students (...) dictionary said that offer to

paragraph 2
In contrast, teaching various student academic ...
teaching various students with different academic disciplines....

... teaching classes t to children without any segregation would be better by considering social abilities and cooperation.

my opinion :
your third paragraph is not really relevant, the question is asking about
"Some people think teaching children different abilities together benefits everyone, others think ..."
look at the phrase in bold.
so you do not really need to discuss about students with different academic disciplines. an idea about what will happen if the class is mixed between intelligent students and ordinary students (does this benefit (or not)? ) is recommended.

best regards.
aviniwirastri  [Contributor]  
May 7, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS 2: young people are more creative than older people in business or in the workplace [4]

hi Hain,, god bless you.

let me give you comments.

intro :
you need to state your position first. do you agree or disagree, then you can go with the thesis "Both young and old people contribute to our society in different ways"

... excellent ability to deal with the most sophis ticated technologies, which ...
They are also generally open-minded and tends to adopt and develop new ideas. What is more, they are mostly well-experienced in computers and other modern ...

... since they lack responsibilities such as paying tax, managing family ...
They often find excuses like "sickness" to have a few days off
, making them untrustedandunworthy.

words in green : try to find an example that is related to topic discussion (business and workplace), you miss the point of discussion so i don't see that the examples you mention are relevant.

try to avoid typo.

... are more experienced for all the lesson s they gathered from their earlier days. They are known to be considerate and wise for they hashave solved problems in life.

... support their children's economy and managingmanaged their own so they are much more responsible.
... ability to adapt to changes, which makes them less creative ...

try to find any case related to old people's experience that specifically helps them in business or job.
example :
older workers have been working in the company for a long time. they have faced both failures and big successes. what they have experienced is essential to make an important decision for a company. hence, a company should take a consideration to not rashly eliminate them.

the last paragraph is too short.
more opinion and explanation about your thesis are recommend.

best regards,
aviniwirastri  [Contributor]  
May 3, 2016
Writing Feedback / This is report to describe the process of collecting information for the weather forecast [5]

This is the report to describe the process of collecting information by the Australian Bureau of Meteorologybyin producing the up-to-the-minute weather forecast you can rely on.

The weather forecast is made on the basis of incoming information collected from 3 types of sources: from space, from ground and from water. The information from space is received by satellites. Besides the data from space, synoptics get the information from above ground meteorological stations by means of radars. The data from water are captured by drifting buoys and then reflected on synoptic charts. In order to produce reliable forecasts meteorologists analyze the primary infos such as: satellite photos, radar screen and synoptic charts. All data are compiled and transmitted to the broadcasting center to prepare the broadcast.

comments :
your essay is clear and understandable. but a trivial mistake with "by" in the first paragraph can be fatal since it is potential to divert the meaning.

it is less than 150 words, as i count that is only 148 words. we never know the tolerance that is given by the examiner, but i suggest to not write less than 150.

best regards,
aviniwirastri  [Contributor]  
May 2, 2016
Writing Feedback / In the UK teaching personnel continues to be female-dominated at children's schools. [3]

In three of the six kinds of establishments, females outnumbered males .

comments :
i think you miss something important. the task does not discuss about the teacher, but the students.
so it can go off topic.

the total number of males outnumbers females.

Men and women were equally represented at establishments ...
College was the only place where there werehad the same numbers ofbetween males and females. Male teachers accounted for the majority of staff at universities (roughly 70 per cent).

i think the task you uploaded is different with your essay. it has no correlation.
aviniwirastri  [Contributor]  
Apr 26, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS ESSAY - alternative energy sources are too expensive [3]

hi mormontre,

i like to read your opening, it is pretty good.
but i notice this phrase is confusing, "such as overheating and recent greenhouse gases levels raises "

advice : you need to understand how to arrange a noun phrase. pay attention to the structure of modifier and head.
"the rising level of greenhouse gases"

Firstly, and eco-friendly strategy that could cover all the energy requirements of our cities would lead to higher expenses.
after main idea, it will be best to give a reason sentence to support. ,then you can go on to the example.
For instance, there will be the necessity for new implants and the configuration of our cities should change, in order to be the most suited to green energy.

your example is too general, specific data based on research is recommended.

... expensive to manage, but also they need efficient ways of transportingto transport the energy to our cities.

comments : second paragraph is not well-arranged.
problems : linking words are not properly used.

paragraph 3 :
problems :
1. word choice ; it is good to do a little experiment to apply new words in your essay. but you have to make sure that the words will not lead to understanding problem and cause difficulty to the readers.

"employ" is better replaced by "utilize".
2. referencing problem. make sure that you refer the proper noun, if you do not accurately use it, it will lead to such ambiguous.

advice :
steps to follow : you have to always remember the pattern : idea-reason-example-result. so the idea and its supporting ideas are connected.

aviniwirastri  [Contributor]  
Apr 21, 2016
Writing Feedback / In some places in the world, young people are not only richer but also safer... Ielts [3]

hi suxiaojing...

the task has 2 statements, one of which is "young people are not only richer but also safer and healthier than ever before". you need to put this idea into your first paragraph. you only put the second statement, "they are less happy".

you can use although, even though, or while to express a contrast between those two ideas.

with a view to of improving the academic performances of children and enabling them to become more competitive than other candidates in their futures
common preposition of VIEW is "of" or "from"

Under such circumstance, children would feel alone and being isolated from their parents
after linking verb feel, you need to put adjective, so it is better to eliminate being.

for lexical resource : it is great. you use wide range of vocabularies. you have no problem with this.
grammar and accuracy : very good, only few mistakes i found.
the idea takes 25% of the score, so you need to put relevant idea with the task. more specific data based on research or your self experience are recommended.

the only problem i see is task response. if you want to get band 7, you need to follow the requirements below :
1. address all parts of the task. all issues in the question are answered.
2. present a clear position throughout the essay. any opinion given is supported in all paragraph in the essay.
3. main ideas are relevant.
4. ideas are developed but there are may be lack of focus with supporting ideas or over generalization.

i think it is getting closer to get 7. good luck. -)
aviniwirastri  [Contributor]  
Apr 19, 2016
Writing Feedback / International communication online. Distance is not a main problem in connecting people anymore. [5]

Some people think that being able to communicate with others online is breaking down geographical barriers and enabling people, who would normally never have a chance to meet, to communicate.

What are the advantages of international communication online?
Are there any disadvantages to this?
(IELTS task 2)

Online communication has been advanced nowadays. Distance is not a main problem in connecting people as it used to. Moreover it brings an opportunity to make a relationship and friendship with someone in oversea. Beside of many benefits brought by international communication online, it also brings several drawbacks.

Internet is now used by a large number of people around the world . As a matter of fact, More than 3 billion people in the world are internet users, which social media users approximately reach 2,2 millions. It means that more than one third of population in the world are connected online. we can say that Geographical barriers are slightly eliminated. We just need to stay online to search people we want to meet or to have a chat with. In addition, online communication does not cost too expensive and much more affordable than before. Another advantage is to access information easily. Due to spreading internet connection in almost every place in the entire of the earth, news and information now are accessible and up-to-date. It will surely make people pampered and enable them to communicate with everybody elsewhere .

In spite of this, some drawbacks appear as well. Face-to-face communication can be slowly decreased. The more people go online, the less they have sometime to socialize with their environment. Hence, it can lead people to be selfish and ignorant. In another case, Because of unlimited accessing data online, some people try to misuse this facility. There is no limitation to upload and download data or information. Fraud and propaganda are common terms of abuse. To illustrate, some countries try to protect their citizen by banning some harmful website, some do even worse. North Korea restricts the society to access the internet, because the government possibly think that it is not proper to be consumed by the citizen or it could be forbidden to communicate with other people from other country. As a result, it can be a boomerang for online community.

In conclusion, people have a right to communicate with everybody from everyplace. They also have a right to access information. internet is a communication tool that provides those chances. What we need to understand is to utilize the facility wisely. Since it is developed in order to break communication barriers, it will never be true if we use it as a means of abuse.
aviniwirastri  [Contributor]  
Apr 19, 2016
Writing Feedback / "What is your greatest strength?" - it is not only a tough question, but also philosophy question. [5]

hi alvius, i found some grammatical errors.

Itsit is gonna be a tough question for me. Why I say that, is because I am confused with my own dream and I am always afraid toof walking ahead, full of hesitation and ...

If I have asked : i have been asked (passive voice)

Most of us will tell others about our strength are according to our talents or interests,but I had seen a lot of peoples not saying it in deep philosophy.

... "My greatest strength is I always think logically and make sense, and I ...
So what is the point aboutof her strength?

Back to myself,I will not person ask me , this sentence is confusing.

... aware about my own weakness and take control wherewhatwillthe path should I should choose according to my weakness

As goes saying that: " above sky there are isaskiesy " , that is why i cannot related ...
For example, when I say that I am good at playing guitar, maybe Yngwie Maalmsteen will say my playskill is so bad.

in overall, i enjoy reading you essay,
aviniwirastri  [Contributor]  
Apr 19, 2016
Writing Feedback / Obesity due to high processed wheat [4]

hi, i'd like to give comments.

... financing resources to identify the reasons for this problem, soin order to develop strategies to avoid it. .

To begin with, experts showed that the main responsible for obesity is processed wheat .
As a result, pasta, bread and other baked products turned out to be responsible for weight gain.

corrections :
Experts showed that one factor contributing to obesity is wheat.
it was shown that its nutritional information is changed....

simple past in "turned out", "were" is not necessary, so simple present is best to use.
why? because there is no time signal referring to past events.

As for what could be done to deal with ...

comments : it is clearly showing what your point of view is. very nice..

thanks, i hope my comments will be useful.
aviniwirastri  [Contributor]  
Apr 10, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK : Passenger railway journeys made in Great Britain between 1950 and 2004/5. [2]

The National network was a rank first as the favourite transportation
the first rank

While the London Underground in the second choice for the people
there is no verb.

when it comes in 1958 and 2004/5 at 1,100
simple past is needed. when it came...

However, the London Underground reached the high value as the second choice at 900

the figure London Underground had the enhanced user such as 170 in the 2004/05
improving / rising

the last paragraph : it is better to use simple past.
aviniwirastri  [Contributor]  
Apr 6, 2016
Writing Feedback / Business & money - recruiting workers important for a company (ielts task 2) [5]

Some people think that when recruiting, companies should aim to take on people who are innovative and able to work independently while others consider they should recruit people who are able to work in a team and follow instructions.

Discuss both views and give your opinion.

ielts task 2

Hiring someone to work in a company is not an easy task to do, especially for human resource department in certain company. Employers should hire innovative and independent workers with an expectation that they might bring the company developed by their idea, however they should think about hiring employees who have good teamwork and obey instruction as well. It is rare to have a worker equipped those two aspects mentioned. In this case, the author of a company needs to set up a standard in accepting an employee.

Innovative and independent workers have a wide view of work and things they have done. It can be caused by either their experience or their intelligence. Additionally, most of them are not developed in teamwork skill. To illustrate, a smart worker with high education and a lot of experiences has many creative ideas that are anti-mainstream. He usually does something inappropriate with other workers, even the policy of the company. But sometimes he is admittedly able to bring the company developed. It means that creative workers tend to work independently, because no one is brave to take a risk like them. It is not always good because a company has a set of procedures to be obeyed, and a breakthrough is not always successful.

In another side, when employers hire workers with a good teamwork and submissive, they need to ensure that policies and programs they have made are full of consideration. it is good to have this type of workers in order to running an order well, but Once the author make a mistake, no employee will predict it. A harm is not easily detected. For example, a manager of marketing is negligent to make a decision in promotion programs, his men will go with the instruction. It means that a failure is waiting if there is no critical person - the creative one who always thinks before obeying a policy. by contrast, having too many independent workers is not suggested.

To reiterate, i believe that a standard of hiring a worker should be well-established. Companies should recognize what kind a person they are. thus, employers can put them on proper departments, or, at least the number of both kinds of workers is balance. However, employers are fully-authorized, so they have a right and consideration in what kind of workers are needed in their company.
aviniwirastri  [Contributor]  
Apr 6, 2016
Writing Feedback / Students Unfocus on Education ___ IELTS Task 2 [3]

hii.. ansor..
your essay is simple and easy to understand. but i found some grammatical errors.

... because they reckon these lessons to be a burden which disturbs their life.
... do not have enough time to fix them on the datelinedeadline . As a result, they will get stressed .
... to create the specific curriculum which provides the some subjects regarding to ...

... students cannot deal with their academic which is the location of ...
For instance, pupils easily play truentcut the class when they get trouble at school.
... they have many nice destination places to visit.
... the authority of education has to cons truct the building of school far
In addition, the teacher should use thean interesting way to teach ...

... to place the school in countryside, and to give attractive teaching method from teachers.

my opinion :
you need to learn more about adjective clause, to avoid mistakes in putting connector or even verb clause.
the articles a/an and the have their own functions. find out how to use it properly.
avoid spelling error

thank you, help me back with my essay.
aviniwirastri  [Contributor]  
Apr 6, 2016
Writing Feedback / Shopping habit turns people into some financial troubles [2]

hii.. tiraa..
my comments :
It is commonlycommon that populations do (...) expensive goods or support their high class society .

sentence in blue : what is the correlation? i think this task does not talk about supporting high society.

These days, citizens tend to buy useless items atwith extremely high price because they cannot handle with their desire called as shopaholic and ...
Shopaholic is actually a health problem related withto over limit of human's shopping habit. In a book about (...) tells about every timewhenever these people buy branded products, they will ...

This establishes them buy and store goods until it is over the restriction of ...

Recently years, people have pretended fromto be a member of high class society just for ...
They ignore of the possibility of financial trouble which ...

On my point of view, if bank wants to corporatecooperatein creating low restriction of its credit card for its consumer, this can help people ...

actually, the idea in this paragraph is good, but you need to be be careful with the structures. if your sentences cause a difficulty for reader, your score will be low.

sentences in bold need to rearrange, both words and structure.

conclusion : you need to give a conclusion in academic view, or more detail opinion.

thank you and keep writing -)
aviniwirastri  [Contributor]  
Apr 4, 2016
Writing Feedback / Business and money; big budgets for marketing and promoting. [4]

large business have big budgets for marketing and promotion and as a result, people gravitate towards buying their products.
what problem does this cause?
what could be done to encourage people to buy local products?
ielts task 2

Big business spend a lot of money on advertising their products in order to attract people. It makes people able to easily recognize the products and influences consumers to buy more and more. Therefore local businesses are unable to compete in marketing. as a consequence, it might be a dead-end business for them.

Promotion is a key for companies to be successful. They persuade society to buy their products. The more advertisements appear on media, the more chances come to get their products sold out. Despite of success for big companies, local business will experience a hard time. There is no sufficient money to fund promotion such as advertising by TV or on line media. It means a death for local business, particularly small business.

Even though a threat is on the move, local business should not just give up and let everything happen. They need to find a way to deal with this situation. At first, they need to keep the quality of products they produce. Then, small promotion might be set up. To illustrate, local business can utilize social media to share what they have made, as we know that social media is free of charge. They can put some testimonies of consumers who have ever used their products on it. Due to lack of budget, this way will be very helpful, or at least local business still exist, not completely disappear. By the rising number of social media users, it is not admittedly surprising if their consumers are increasing.

Marketing is a must whatever the business is. The range of consumers taken depends on how financially strong a company funds it. Instead it must not be counted as a barrier. there will always be a way to cope with it. Local business just need to keep finding solution to be sold out as well as big business.
aviniwirastri  [Contributor]  
Apr 3, 2016
Writing Feedback / Education and health service cost should be paid by people in prosperity for a country' extra income [3]

hii lita,,

paragraph 1 :
It is recommended that governement spends its money on all education and healthcare and makes them free for all citizen .
... on education and health but only for supports and not entirely free for all,include wealthy people.

according to ieltsli, you need to avoid any typo.

the words in blue are little confusing.
......and makes them free for poor citizen.
free? verb or adjective? you need to check collocation dictionary.
if it is an adjective, you need to put be..
phrase in red : the phrase modifies what idea? the position of this phrase is unclear.

paragraph 2
The government should allocate its expenses for education and healthcare only limited on their features, such as ...

it is difficult to understand the supporting idea with the first sentence. try to re-read the first sentence, then try to find any coherence with second sentence. i don't think you really need the phrase only limited there.

paragraph 3
in the areas of less developed
structure error : in the areas which is less-developed / in the areas that need development / in the undeveloped areas.

paragraph 4
To sum up, two concerning areas, education and health should acquire enough ...
Education and health service cost should be paid by people in prosperity since it will provide extra income for the country.

sentence in red ; it is an additional idea, but it seems like you are going to be almost off-topic.
you need to give linking device before this sentence, so readers understand that it is only supporting idea as your opinion because the task does not ask or discuss about giving extra income to the state.

the question is : should education and healthcare be free for everyone, or not?
aviniwirastri  [Contributor]  
Apr 3, 2016
Writing Feedback / Closure of local business will bring about the death of local communities [2]

hii, EF members, please give me comments and advice.

Due to the development and rapid extension of supermarkets in some countries, many small, local business are unable to compete. Some people think that the closure of local business will bring about the death of local communities.

To what extent do you agree or disagree?
ielts task 2

The increasing number of supermarket in several countries has made local business knocked down. One opinion states that local people will be bankrupt due to collapse of local business. However, i believe that it can precisely bring local people to be much more developed if this problem is positively responded. So, i firmly disagree with opinion mentioned.

Local business run by local people looks out of date and is not attractive. Modern community likes something instant and more colorful. To illustrate, traditional markets in some developing countries are dirty and messed up. Supermarkets, as a comparison, are clean and well-arranged. It is one point that attracts people to choose supermarket for shopping. People in common will surely choose shopping in a place with air conditioner, sweet-smelling and comfort. In addition, the price is also competitive. As a result, less and less people go to traditional market for shopping, in other words, there is no reason for people to choose traditional markets as the first option.

Local businesses have a lot of homework dealing with this condition. If they do not want to fall, they need to rearrange everything, including service, appearance and marketability. Started from things they sell, local businesses have to keep the quality and offer something that supermarkets do not. For example, local clothing companies should make copyrights and keep their originality, and only sell the products in their own outlets. They should be creative in producing products as well. Because once they are not creative, loss of market is a consequence. Fresh food and vegetables, additionally, need to be considered for traditional market to preserve. It means that local sellers should care about the freshness and pay more attention to the hygiene of food and vegetables sold. It can be a consideration for consumer to choose where they shop. The last is price. As we know that monopoly is a public enemy. How to avoid it and how to keep the price lower than modern markets are questions that need to be answered by local businesses.

In my view, it is only about how to keep creative. Local businesses cannot prevent a competition. The only choice is to face it. They need to see this situation as a challenge, or at least they must still stand as an option for buyers. I never think that it is a death for local businesses, but it is a chance to rise up instead. It can obviously stimulate them to come up with innovation. In addition, government should wisely take a part in making policy, so healthy competition will be guaranteed.
aviniwirastri  [Contributor]  
Apr 2, 2016
Writing Feedback / The recent model of mass media such as internet and TV have been influencing residents activities [3]

hi.. fardan, let me give you some opinions.

The recent model of mass media such us the internet and TV havehas been influencing...
subject and verb do not agree.

the residents activities
you need to know which is head and/or modifier. the head is activities, so you do not need to put plural nouns before. because resident functions as modifier.

plural noun : more great effects

This is because it leads people

for the idea, i think the examples shown has no correlation. in the third paragraph, it is essential to give example how internet and TV influence politician, not how politician uses media to influence society.

thanks fardan, hopefully it is useful.
aviniwirastri  [Contributor]  
Apr 2, 2016
Writing Feedback / Task 1 : The charts show in percentage in terms of the results of a survey of a new shop [4]

but i'd like to give some advice, hopefully it will be useful.

be careful with punctuation. (comma in the first sentence looks confusing)
paraphrase the question, then arrange the sentence with proper subject-verb agreement.

the information presented is not well-arranged.

my opinion is, you need to plan where you put the information. imagine that the readers will understand your explanation without seeing the charts and tables. it means main and supporting ideas should be properly separated and clear.

as i read from the text, it is pretty confusing.
aviniwirastri  [Contributor]  
Mar 31, 2016
Writing Feedback / Discipline is an ever increasing problem in modern schools [2]

Discipline is an ever increasing problem in modern schools. Some people think that the discipline should be the responsibility of teachers, while others think that this is the role of parents.

Discuss both sides and give your opinion.
ielts task 2

The problem of who should be responsible of students' discipline is now faced by modern schools. Some argue that teachers should be in charge of this situation, while others are in the opposite. Discipline for students describes as a proper behavior including time management, responsibility and also dealing with rules. Actually we cannot just appoint one of both parents and teachers to be responsible with this, but a teamwork - between educators and parents - should be well-established.

Schools, which essentially have a function to guide children not only about the academic skills but also about their attitudes including discipline, should clearly understand their role. Students spend their time a lot in school, which implies that their characters are built in its environment. They go along with their friends, teachers and school circumstances, which sometimes teacher do not realize that they go too far. Some learn how to lie in school because they try to escape from any punishment given by their teachers. Others try to disobey the strict rules which put them on pressure. Those examples can bring pupils to the wrong way, but only few educators carefully recognize this as a problem. understandably, it is impossible for teachers to control each student in school. Moreover modern schools have a great deal of information technologies that can ease students to access everything which is not supposed to be done, such as pornography, gang fights and other worse things. Indirectly, it can also stimulate them to get lack of discipline. More controls and appropriate regulations are needed in order to discipline enforcement.

In keeping students' discipline, parents also play an important past as well. It is important that parents know what their children face and feel as long as they are not at home. Then, parents can decide what should be done to develop their self-discipline. Here the sustainable process of what schools have done continues. For example, parents should remind them to do their homework, Or help them in managing time so they will not be late to come to the school. Correspondingly, the importance of obeying the rules should be taught and applied in home.

In conclusion, school and home are two important places in developing students' self-discipline so that, as has been noted, a well-established teamwork between parents and teachers must be set up. In the light of difficulties in educating children to be discipline, either parents or educators need to make a good communication and be supportive in order to find an appropriate way to implant self-discipline in students' mindset.
aviniwirastri  [Contributor]  
Mar 24, 2016
Writing Feedback / I strongly agree that the increasing number of global population is the biggest issue to deal with [2]

the biggest issue which the people would deal with it

As such , they do not have and follow the family planning system and modern method of birth control, which is already regulated ...

don't use so many connectors that can make sentences confusing.

... will decrease the mortality rate due tobecause various malignant diseases can be cured
due to is preposition, you have double verbs in the sentence. Using because is proper.

For instance, the rising of population will be directly proportional to the increase inof private vehicles used by each people

To sum up, the increasing population issues are caused by the own people's activities
such as environmental concerns
aviniwirastri  [Contributor]  
Mar 24, 2016
Writing Feedback / Difficult problem to solve - the global population increase is the greatest problem faced by human [2]

the opening paragraph is good.

The increasing of global population in many parts of the world has been caused by several factors

... and it will increase their level of happiness which makes human healthier and have ...

Japanese people, for instance, are designated as the happiest people worldwide ...

Another reason is the developments of modern technology, which have made human' s life become easier and help people ...

you can give additional sentence in paragraph 2 to make your point clear. the examples are good, you just need to make it coherence with the question.

for example :
in developing countries, more babies are born. in parallel, more people are living longer in developed countries - where modern technology is applied. these conditions contribute to the increasing of world's population.

I believe that the growth of human population is the greatest ...
... because of poverty and a high rate of crime in the community.

this paragraph contains effects of the problem stated. i think you don't need to discuss about it too much because the task don't ask this,

only the cause.
aviniwirastri  [Contributor]  
Mar 23, 2016
Writing Feedback / Some group of people complain and feel unsatisfied that government is wasting money on arts [5]

Some people think that the government is wasting money on the arts and this money could be better spent elsewhere.
To what extent do you agree with this view?

National budget is managed by the government. When it goes to wrong sector, some group of people in society will complain and feel unsatisfied. In this case, a statement attacking the government is that they should not waste too much money on arts. They think that other sectors need to be financially supported by the government. Although we cannot judge that art sector is not important, wasting too much money on it is unnecessary.

Since people pay tax to the state, moreover when the charge of tax is high, they will put pressure on government to provide their demands. It will surely be a problem because government will never be able to full fill all what every citizen wants. Art, in this context, is non-essential sector to fund. Perhaps, art is not a beneficial sector in certain industrial areas, but it might be an important sector that consumes more national budget in any other areas. The opinion depends on where people live and how they see the situation. Non-industrial areas which have many craftsmen living will fight against this argumentation.

Actually, it is difficult for government to make a decision. One thing that can be done by government is to measure the level of necessity that country has. It means that what country needs should be sharply recognized by the government. Other sectors, like education, economy and health care, are need to be considered too.

As my final statement, government must find out what is urgent to be a priority. Art is also essential to develop, moreover when art comes as a character of the county itself, nevertheless state cannot override other sectors and people's aspiration. I agree with the opinion to not waste money on art, Because Waste word here means spending too much money. So, government, as a policy maker, should properly spend the money and ensure that the sectors funded will give a positive feedback.
aviniwirastri  [Contributor]  
Mar 23, 2016
Writing Feedback / TOEFL: Is There More Need for Land To Be Left In Natural Condition Or To Be Developed for Industry [2]

the opening paragraph is so beautiful. i like to read it.
in the Amalfi Coast should be built some industries.

this area has been declared as one of the most amazing places in Italy.

theirthey are destroying our nature

if we continue to build houses or industries

building industries in my country will bring to an irreparable damage to the environment and will decreaseing tourism and damageing the environment.

the only landscapes that we will see are only some arrangement of bricks.

based on the question, i think you go off.
you just need to describe the condition of your country, the question does not ask your opinion or what the best should be?
i think you go too deeply in your own assumption. just present the fact, describe the condition and reason.

it is my opinion, i apologize if i'm mistaken.
aviniwirastri  [Contributor]  
Mar 21, 2016
Scholarship / School should cut off art and music out of curriculum to avoid the pressure on young students [4]

The role of education is to prepare children for the modern world. Schools should cut art and music out of the curriculum so that children can focus on useful subjects such as information technology.

To what extent do you agree?

World needs to prepare young generation in the early age to face modern era. In this situation, Schools should actively take an important part to make them ready. As they have to focus on some useful subjects related to information technology, an opinion about to cut off art and music from the curriculum comes up. This argumentation is not absolutely wrong, but in the other hand children also need arts and music as a part of their life. I partly disagree to eliminate those subject out of curriculum and education.

Art and music are some most important components in the development of children. Since babies were born in the world, they have dealt with music and some kinds of arts. They understand music at the first time they can hear a sound. Those are familiar with children, so it seems like we take a piece of what they have naturally. Music and art can control mood and human's emotion, moreover children. Keeping them in a good mood and making them enthusiastic to study are not an easy task to do. Teachers in kindergarten use music to give an instruction for their students, also they use a simple drawing or picture to get them interested in studying lessons. This means that music and art cannot be separated from the students, especially children.

In other condition, music can increase the students' intelligence. Some research shows that a person who plays musical instrument well has better opportunity to master academic subjects quickly because tones that they produce in the music can stimulate their creativity, imagination and comprehension. It strengthens the argument that music and art should not be eliminated. In addition, Albert Einstein ever stated that imagination is more important than knowledge. we know that music and art have a tight connection with imagination itself. Therefore, eliminating those subjects is not suggested.

By some thoughts above, i assume that the problem is not about tightening up the academic skills of the students by eliminating those subjects, but how to make a correlation between science and art. We cannot put such an pressure on young students to learn certain subject strictly. Sometimes what parents and teacher think is not always right. In other words, it does not mean that students will have more seriousness in their academic subjects without music and art. Just let the students freely choose what they want to learn as their interest. Schools just need to guide them properly, and finally the students will find the way of what they are as they grow up and have more understanding.
aviniwirastri  [Contributor]  
Mar 20, 2016
Writing Feedback / The reasons for choosing certain courses and how they should be paid - Ielts [2]

interesting in subject
you need to put interest as a noun/subject.

whereas 40 % of them answeredanswering for that reason

Moving closer to pie chart, 40% of them taughtthough t that they should spend...

spend their own money, which...
why we need a comma?, to understand that the sentence following modifies a previous sentence, not a noun money.

...was followed by 35 % of people who answered that the course should be shared by their employer and 25% thought that the cost should be paid by tax players.

In conclusion, interesting in subject was the main reason in order to choose their course and most of the people taught that they should spend their costs individually.

my advice :
it is proper to use simple present because there is no time signal referring to past event
aviniwirastri  [Contributor]  
Mar 20, 2016
Scholarship / 'member of Sudanese-Korean Friendship association' Writing KGSP graduate Letter of Self-introduction [5]

As I grew up I thanked him for that

As I've been involved in many voluntary experiences, I realized that as much as there are people in need of help
i realized that many people need helps .

there exists devoted and passionate people to be there for help
this sentence is little bit confusing.
arrange the subject and verb properly.
there is not a noun, so it cannot be a subject of sentence.

I realized that us moving back had a huge effect on whom I am now
the sentence is not clear,
is it i realized that we move back having a huge effect on what i am now
i realized that moving back of U.S has a huge effect on what i am now

I always believe that God has created this whole earth for us to explore it

In addition to organizing and presenting exhibitions and ...
the sentence needs main subject and verb

As I graduated, I was in needneeded money and in- dependency as well , I was lucky to had foundfind a job right after my graduation and started my first job as a receptionist and admin support, I've learned a lot form the experience in planning, organizationorganizing and taking responsibilities and initiatives, I also met wonderful people.

a part of the organizing team planning what does the phrase mean?
a part in organizing team plan / a part of organizing team planner / a part of team-planning organizer

they live according to high values and believes,
according to me, the proper sentence is they live in high value of what they believe
they value hard working and respect others regardless of their identities and differences
their value of working hard and respecting others regardless of......

my advice :
the most important problem you have is punctuation. i think you need to understand more about how to use period "." and comma ",". learn how to use each symbol properly. because if you put it wrong, your sentences will be confusing.

thank you, i hope it will help you.
aviniwirastri  [Contributor]  
Mar 20, 2016
Writing Feedback / News: the truth should be objective rather than subjective [6]

Most people think that the truth should be objective rather that subjective when it comes to the news.
Do you think all news is true?
What is the function of a newspaper?

The main function of news is to inform people about reality so that news should be presented as objective as possible, But the fact says something different. Not all of the news now is based on the truth. Mass media is used to spread an important issue to support certain party. I think it is out of the main purpose of informative media that should be objective.

Back to Nazi era, Media, particularly newspaper, was used as a propaganda agent. Hittler used media to direct people go with what he needed. By this way, we understand that news can be a tool to some group brainstorming the public. It is clearly opposite with what news should be. If we look at a definition of news in dictionary, news means noteworthy information, especially about recent or important events. We can notice the word noteworthy here means essential information that we cannot manipulate or make up a story to replace the fact. Once people get wrong information, they will try to judge something the same with what they have got from the news, even they have no idea about what the truth is.

One of traditional media, newspaper, is still used around the world. although it is now being replaced by some electronic media, it is still popular in society to get information. Newspaper can reach all social classes, started from the poor to the rich and the educated-man to uneducated man. Beside of spreading factual news, newspaper can also be a means of advertising purpose. Because of that, it is not surprising that newspaper is owned by businessmen and some specific allies. While the function of newspaper enlarges, the fact presented in the news is also turned. The owners, which are sometimes involved in a certain party, try to get a support from society by informing lies or non-essential information in order to scapegoat their opponents. It is completely faulty. The absolute truth will always be mysterious.

To conclude, i agree with the statement that news should be objective rather than subjective. As a citizen, i need a news by reading newspaper, watching TV and going on-line, yet i will not always believe what i read and watch. I suggested to not directly capture a raw information. As a smart society, we should categorize a news which is true (or only a rumor) and which is a diverting issue. We must make sure ourselves to not be provoked as what we have learnt from the past. The media should also ensure that the news is the truth as well.
aviniwirastri  [Contributor]  
Mar 20, 2016
Writing Feedback / "Aloha!" your on this island ! ( I want help about the Descriptive essay about Hawaii. ) [3]

The most isolated population center on the face of the earth , and There are eight main islands is a state like no other, born of volcanic fire and inhabited by some of the most exotic and unusual plants and animals in the world

when you write a sentence, pay attention to the subjects-verbs agreement. it is the most basic structure you need to know.
the most isolated population center, Hawaii has eight main islands and there is no state like that in the world. it is born by volcanic eruption and inhabited by some of the most exotic and unusual plants and animals in the world.

Despite all this, one of the best places in world and to relax for Enjoy and feel-good holiday.
you need a verb.
despite of this, it is one of the best places in the world to relax and to enjoy, also proper place to go on holiday.

In other words,Hawaii is the best destination for an adventurous family vacation, a romantic honeymoon, , and group holidays with friends.

for a vacation filled with picturesque views
no subject and verb

and When you go there that "Aloha!" it's means "hello."
the sentence is pretty confusing.
correction : it means

second paragraph :
i think you need to pay more attention to punctuation. you really need to make sure where you have to put period "." and comma ",".

if you do not put it properly, your sentences will be confusing.

When landing in Hawaii airport The image of Hawaiian lei greeters welcoming visitors with outstretched arms, holding beautiful flower leis, has become an iconic symbol of the Islands.

subjects and verbs are not clear and do not agree.
when landing in Hawaii airport, Hawaiian lei greeters, holding beautiful flower leis, will welcome visitors with outstretched arms. it has become a symbol of Hawaii.

In addition to you will not really know what to do! There are plenty of activities and adventures that you can do in Hawaii

With deep-blue waters, a varied coastline and a mix of lava and white sand Of activities that can do Without a doubt the Snorkeling , The reef formation vibrantly colored reef, including sea turtles .

you need a main verb.

When seas are calm, this is a great area for water exploring.......
you need to rearrange these sentences, with proper punctuation. what you describe is difficult to understand.

those all for the first three paragraph.
i hope what i comment will be useful.
aviniwirastri  [Contributor]  
Mar 20, 2016
Scholarship / "Coming into a new culture and my love of math" QuestBridge Biographical Essay [3]

... I would never have seen how much you could do with the two subjects that you are never shown through society ...

what does you refer to?
i cannot understand with this sentence.
if it refers to youself, why don't you use subject I? or if it refers to other people, you better use others as well.

do you have any achievement in the subjects? it is better to put it on. i mean, have you ever won a math competition or something like that. so we do not only know your enthusiasm in the subjects, but you can also show what you have achieved and done with the subject.

in overall. i love to read it. your essay is pretty good. your sentences are beautifully arranged.

i hope it is useful for you.
aviniwirastri  [Contributor]  
Mar 19, 2016
Writing Feedback / Scientific research today attempts to go too far. (ielts task 2) [5]

We human with our curiosity are natural. We will keep questioning with every new thing we find in everyday we live, and there will always be a new thing come up as a problem. But, in contrast, some beliefs attempt to forbid us to find every answer of what we think about. for example, in North Korea, which is known as communist country, restricts people to use internet too often. we know that internet is an access for us to do a simple research instead. in some cases, the reason why a prohibition to discover something too far appears is that human, perhaps, will destroy the system already established and run. in order to solve the lack of electric power, nuclear is being researched. in spite of this, it can also be used as a weapon so that a limitation is enforced. There will be no control about ...

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