Writing Feedback / Whether it should be compulsory for high school students to wear uniforms or not - it's the question [5]

Hi MInh, its very good to read more of your articles here on EF and personally encourage you to write more often and be observant to other students writing. As mentioned before, reading will also enhance your vocabulary and this is a very good practice too.

Further to your essay, I do agree that having the freedom to dress in going to school will have a significant effect on the mental state of a student, sometimes it can boost their morale and sometimes, they can discover things or passion such as pursuing fashion, design or their artistic side ad this will definitely help them develop themselves into maturity too.

Wearing uniforms, on the other hand, will bring that uniformity to the class, it also gives that sense of discipline amongst students and will give pride to the institution they belong.

Overall, you managed to elaborately showcase your opinion towards the task at hand and this is necessary for you to be able to create that balance, it would also help if you did a little research about the topic, that is, if you want to create that contrast between opinion and a research note.

Writing Feedback / More people in developing countries are purchasing cars.What are the problems and possible solution? [4]

Hi Mekar, I notice that you have received some comprehensive feedback and remarks here from the EF contributors and I hope they are able to help you with your revision, I believe they will bring that much needed enhancement for your essay.

What I notice in this essay is the fact that, the introduction seemed strong, however, as you read through, the ideas you have are written in a way that they are jammed in one place instead of elaborating them thoroughly, this can do two things, either summarize the idea to create a complete thought, if you do it right, now, if you don't, it can result to something like you have here, where all the ideas are rolled into one paragraph resulting to a more complicated set of ideas.

On the other hand, the good thing about your style of writing is the fact that, you're not afraid to discover or experiment on the variety of words to choose from. You made sure that the words are not only easy to understand but are also a mixture of new and interesting words that depicts your opinion on the issue at hand.

I hope the insights helped and I wish to review the revised version soon.

Writing Feedback / Test 1 TOEFL promotions: based on seniority or on performance? [4]

Hi Gabriel, here's my take on your essay.

- In an enterprise, ( don't forget your punctuation marks ) everybody has
- the desire offor a promotion; it is every employee's dream.
- have to choose on what basethe basis of the promotion:

- ithe will keep working with the enterprise no matter what.
- Therefore, the company will never lack of employeesor run out of people working in its divisions.
- since they will never achieve to steal or seduce the company's human resourcesas piracy is very rampant amongst company's human resources .

- However, sometimes quality is better than quantity.
- Furthermore, the company will generate wit this boost better products and better services,

- employees that lacksof motivation to improve themselves.
- products isare the ones that wins the battle.

There you have it Gabriel, I hope the modifications made are helpful and for future writing reference, mind the minor details of your sentences such as the punctuation marks, the linking verbs and the verbs tenses that you associate in your essay.

Writing Feedback / The protection for endangered animal species and your opinions. [7]

Hi Nguyen, thank you for appreciating our work here on EF and you can be rest assured that we will be here to help you out in your essays, not only those for your IELTS but also for other writing projects that you may have in the future.

I cannot stress it enough but I must say that a simple spelling mistake can change the idea of the sentence and it will resonate through out the essay and to your readers too. This simple mistake might create a different understanding that could lead to a more difficult situation, pretty much like a domino effect and you don't want that to happen in your writing articles.

Moreover, aside from having your spell checkers on, make sure that you also have your indentations, the grammar as well as suggestion boxes open, though some writers don't want to get too comfortable having this checkers available as it will make them too reliable on machine, on a plus side, this will allow you to get a better picture of your draft, follow this up with proof reading, this way you are able to review and criticize your work before anyone does. Keep writing!

Writing Feedback / An essay about how to write a good paragraph [3]

Hi Huyen, below are my thoughts on your essay;

First of all, it is indeed a taxing task to write essays, specially for those students that are not well versed or simply is hard at understanding the English language, this is one of those moments in a students life where they pause for a minute and think, "how would I write something that I don't understand in the first place?", then they have to endure those frustrating minutes of thinking added to that is the pressure when you see some of your classmates that are ready to submit their work. This is exactly what I observed when I was studying, I remember, one particular task is this prompt, "what will you become, 10years from now?", something like this, this left a very silent room that made most of us think, "yeah, what would we become in a few years?", well, I cannot be sure what I wrote in this prompt, however, I can assure you that it was not that easy.

Now, going back to your essay, what I like about your essay is the fact that, it is very realistic, it happens or had happened to us at some point in our life and this is what makes the essay worth reading and reviewing. However, on your conclusion part, you don't have to tag this as the third reason as this is your conclusion, you can include the third reason in the second paragraph and then create the next paragraph as your last.

I hope the insights are helpful.

Writing Feedback / First trial of IELTS writing test sample (Task 1) before the real IELTS [6]

Hi Ramdan, it's great to hear from you and we appreciate the fact that our reviews are helpful to your revision. We do encourage you t write further in order to enhance your skills in this craft, not only that, practice will always be the best teacher and as much as we can, we should exercise the language religiously.

Furthermore, what you need to also focus on is the proper grouping or association of the words in your sentences, sometimes, we have the right idea in our head, however, it does not transpire in our writing and this will not be good as you go along, this will affect the overall outcome of the essay.

Now, your writing only need a little polish and it should not be a worry of yours, however, you need to continuously write in order not to forget your writing strokes, this will also make sure that you don't forget the proper structure in your articles. Keep writing!

Writing Feedback / Many offenders commit more crimes after serving the first punishment.Why is this happening ,and what [8]

Hi Rudi, its great to read your words of appreciation towards our craft here on EF and we will definitely be here for you whenever you need us. Now, learning the English language, its rules and usage is absolutely challenging, however, I can assure you that the benefits of mastering the craft is very rewarding, not to mention is boosts confidence, you can walk head up high and talk to different people using the English language and it will help you better your understanding towards life.

As you know it, practice is the best way we can get better, not only in writing and exercising the language but also in anything we do in life. Also, it will help if you try to explore different strokes in writing, different approach, a more creative way to express your ideas and this will broaden your perspectives in writing.

Overall, you have a great deal of management in your writing and I hope that you continue to strive and ail for greater heights of education, should you need some advice and reviewers we are here for you.

Graduate / "Applying for a masters in management as an accounting student" - Statement of Intent [4]

Hi Sebastian, thank you for appreciating our work here on EF, you don't have to worry so much on the word count, once you have a draft, this is the start of the revision process, basically this is the canvass where you draw the perfect picture. It is true that whenever we start writing, we can sometimes be so emerged in our writing that we missed the word count, however, as it is part of the instruction, you should be able to follow through.

Moreover, the insight from the recruitment officer that you talked to is correct, you should be able to include the outcome or your take out from this program, also,the community is a great addition to your sense of service to your fellowmen, therefore, adding a couple of sentences that touches this part of the society will definitely be a great addition to the essay.

For the replacement of the 3rd paragraph, you can summarize your management experience and then follow it up with a brief story on your community involvement. This will not only nail two ideas in one paragraph, this will also paint two sides of the picture and will capture you being an effective member of the society. I look forward to the final revision and should you need further assistance, don't forget to write to us.

Letters / Letter of recommondation for Law School's scholarship [7]

Hi Minh, thank you for appreciating our work here on EF. It definitely boost our confidence whenever we receive great words of appreciation towards our work. Now, as much as would like to say that this revision is well written, I must say that the length and information that you included in this letter is still overwhelming, however, I'm not sure if this is how it is normally written in your country. Though it should not vary, I must admit that somehow, countries or education approach certainly differs in each country, therefore,

if this is how it is done, then this letter is far greater than it should be.

Having said that, such letter can only be overwhelming if you wrote it in a way that the ideas went over board or not in lined with the purpose of the letter and in this revision, you managed to create a lengthy letter of recommendation without going off the topic.

Overall, it is a revision that made sure to streamline the purpose of the letter and do let us know what comes out of this application, we would love to hear from you.

Undergraduate / "Blessed is the influence of one true, loving human soul on another" - my father influence on me [3]

Hi Danielle, first of all, WELCOME to the Essay Forum Family, you have come to the right platform to learn different things about properly writing in English as well as discover writing techniques that will help you hone your craft in this field.

On your title or prompt:
my father influence on me - my fathers influence.

On the essay:

- I truly believe that everyone has beenis influenced
- I, on the other hand, draw my inspiration fromhave been influenced by many things.
- Though both of my parents are very supportive,
- father has been onin my life.
- because of him that I strive
- have for cooking, ( don't forget your punctuation marks ) my father
- Pushing me to want to go toconquer college,

- Regardless of other people that have impactedWith all the other people who encouraged me to take the first step in pursuing a career in culinary arts, my father will always be the most influential person in my life.

There you have it Danielle, I salute you for taking this step in pursuing greater heights of education and never be afraid to conquer the world, it there's a will, there's always a way. Keep writing!

Scholarship / Learning gave me direction and purpose [2]

Hi Juan, it's good to review one of your essays again, yours is one of those essays that I will not miss reviewing, not only because you are writing fairly written essays but also because you learn each time you write and this is a very good trait of a writer.

I'm also glad to hear, correct me if I'm wrong, that you have gained a scholarship and now this essay will be for your books and other miscellaneous. It is very good to hear that you never stop learning and acquiring greater heights of education.

More importantly, I love the fact that you make sure that in every essay you write, there's a lesson learned by the one reading it, it's as if you continue to open your life to the public, you made it known that you share what you know and what you want to learn in the process.

Now, in this particular essay, Juan, you can eliminate the part where you elaborate your background, being a green card holder and all the other information about your family, this information is not necessary for this application.

What I'm trying to suggest is that, this essay is for the support for your books, so, it is necessary that you focus on your academic background and what this books will do to uplift your level of education and to further your learning as well. It is also necessary to mention that this essay is meant for you to receive that additional support that will lead to the continuity of your studies. Overall, it's a well managed essay and I hope my insights were helpful and useful to your revisions.

Graduate / "Applying for a masters in management as an accounting student" - Statement of Intent [4]

Hi Sebastian, first of all, WELCOME to the Essay Forum Team, we hope to provide you with the most comprehensive and accurate feedback that will help you come up with a stronger letter and should you need further assistance after this remarks, do let us know so we can provide you further guidance.

Now, upon reading through your essay, I must say that this letter is full of information, not only about your academic background but also about your aspirations in pursuing greater heights of education. For the most part of the letter, you captured the readers interest in getting to know you more, however, towards the end of the letter, you tend to drift away and I believe, what you are trying to achieve is the length of the letter, which is not suppose to be, remember, this letter is a what will make or break the decision of the panel of reviewers to either admit you to the institution or not, so you have to be very careful.

Further to your revision, I suggest that you eliminate a few information pertaining to personal experiences that may not be relevant to the purpose of the essay. The third paragraph is what I'm talking about, somehow, in this part of the letter, there's no need for you to include such information, this will not only give the letter a definite focus but will also create that breather that will bring the readers back to the purpose if the letter. I hope this insights helped and do let us know what comes out of this exercise, we would love to hear from you.

Letters / Letter of recommondation for Law School's scholarship [7]

Hi Minh, first of all, I can see that you have been very quick in modifying your letter according to our suggestions here on EF, this is a very good sign of a good writer, however, as much as we appreciate your feedback and gratitude towards our work, I would like to suggest the following to further enhance the letter.

- it is a letter of recommendation, therefore it should be written with confidence, having said that, this did not show in the letter, as a reader, I feel like you are pushing it too much, stay relaxed and confident in recommending a person

- the length of the letter is very unnecessary, a letter of recommendation should not be this long, it should only make mention of the qualities of the person that is relevant to the position they are trying to apply or the purpose of the letter itself.

Modify it by stating pertinent information that will uplift the credibility and abilities of the applicant.

- Towards the conclusion of the essay, it is better to leave it to the panelist and not mention the purpose of the letter as this is the last part of the letter already. Below is my suggestion;

In pursuin her education abroad, we are here to provide utmost support to Ms. Tam and should you need further reference in her application, please don't hesitate to contact us.

Sincerely your's,

_______________

There you have it Minh, remember, in writing a letter of recommendation, it is best to provide true and correct information as this will have a direct impact towards the recommended party.

Writing Feedback / Many offenders commit more crimes after serving the first punishment.Why is this happening ,and what [8]

Hi Rudi, first of all, WELCOME to the Essay Forum Family, here, we aim to provide you with the most comprehensive feedback and detailed analysis of your work, for you to be able to submit a well written essay. We will also guide you to proper writing techniques and discover your love, not only in writing but also in reading and acquiring further understanding towards the English language.

Now, IELTS is definitely one standard body of English examination that is quiet challenging, however, with your determination and continuous dedication to master the craft,the necessary IELTS band that you aim for should be easy breezy.

Having said that, first thing that I notice in your essay is how you wrote the prompt, you were not able to properly indicate it in the essay and since this is your first essay, you will can get pass this today. Next, the way you approached the essay is rather manageable, you made sure that the group of words depict the right idea that you are trying to convey to your readers.

You were also able to create a realistic profile and it definitely pays when you focus and include current events to your article.

Overall, it is necessary to do a research in each and every topic that you write about, this will not only show you the relevance of the topic to todays world and happenings but,as what you have learned, it also showed you the right techniques, words and spelling of each word that you associate in your essay. Now, as much as I want to rate your essay according to IELTS band, I will not be able to, as we are EF contributors and we can only rate your writing according to how you use the English language and how you manage to associate the rules in your essay. For this essay, I will give you 8, this is because, you did not only create a fairly written essay but you also made effort in preparing the answer to the prompt.

Writing Feedback / In many countries of the world few people earn extremely high salary [8]

Hi Sinchana, indeed, WELCOME to the Essay Forum Team, we hope that this is just the start of our partnership. We aim to provide you with the best feedback and the most accurate in order for you to confidently submit a well written essay.

First thing that I notice in the essay is the lack of proper punctuation marks, this is very minor, if you want to call it, however, this minor set backs can definitely affect the sentences and the overall outcome of the essay.

Aside from the minor remark above, I notice that you have a very creative way of expressing your ideas and opinions which actually adds substance to the essay, not only that, you also provided a good narrative to a rather serious issue that most of us would definitely argue about. Furthermore, you made sure that the choice of words that you associate in your sentences are apt to the standard of understanding for a normal reader.

Moreover, you also made each and every paragraph, progress in a way that they follow a direct sequence and flow of idea from the previous one, this allows a continuity of idea and will help your readers to understand the essay better. Indeed, life can be sometimes unfair, however, nothing will happen if you just sit around and wait for a miracle to happen, so what we do?, we prove ourselves that we can be better than we are, make yourself your number one competition, this way you create a healthy goal to conquer life, in the end, nobody said life is easy, life is a matter of choice.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task2: Children are forced to study even their leisure time. Is that a good practice? [5]

Hi Tang, first of all, WELCOME to the Essay Forum Family, we hope that you find this website credible as well as useful to your writing projects. We aim to provide you with the most accurate feedback as well as comprehensive modifications for your essay, this is to make sure that you have a strong essay to submit and be proud of.

Now as I go through your essay, I must say that it needs a lot of modification and I will not waste another line but will provide you with the following remarks;

- Despite ofWhile playing in their spare times,
- children into learning in particular subjects.
- to excel in their knowledgefield .

- Many people argue that childhood's life is fundamentally important
- which shapes theirin shaping a students future of educational achievement.
- children learn more quickly ( "more quickly" is pretty much redundant, "quickly" means "more quick" )
- possible. And it is proofedand this has proved that those

- subjects which they interestedthat interest them infor expanding their knowledge.

There you have it Tang, I hope the above remarks are helpful and even more so, useful to your revision.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: People do unhealthy activities. Why and give solutions. [3]

Hi Keely, it's just quiet off when you get denied access in sharing your feedback here on EF, however, you have to consider that, here on EF, you cannot just give a two liner or your opinion to the task or the writing project. The goal in sharing feedback here on EF is to make sure that the project will be enhanced, modified and be ready for submission. When you say, you provided the best comment in order to correct the task, you also have to consider that, it may not be up to the standard of the English language ruling.

One more thing that you have to consider is the fact that, you are not able to create or write a well written essay, you yourself needs guidance in writing, so maybe, this is not the time that you consider yourself as an editor or contributor. Having said that, don't fret, because learning the language and to get better if not the best at it is a process, a progress, that sometimes may take slow but you can be assured that it advances as you go along.

Moving forward, in this essay, you were able to fairly write and answer the prompt. You made sure that you use the appropriate words to incorporate in your sentences and this is a very good technique in assuring that your essay will be understood by your readers.

Furthermore, I have a few suggestions for the last paragraph of the essay;

- In conclusion,this three main reasons
- I believe that under theall efforts of everyone and governmentsthe person ,
- people's lives wouldcan be much healthier than before in the future .

There you have it Keely, I hope the above modifications are useful and do let us know should you need further assistance .

Writing Feedback / Do you agree with the saying: "Traveling broadens your minds" ? [4]

No Worries at all Ho and thank you for appreciating our work here on EF, rest assured that we will always be here to guide you, every step of the way, whenever and wherever you can. Know that EF, will always aim for you to be able to get better if not the best at this craft and make sure that we provide you with helpful as well as useful feedbacks.

For future writing reference, make sure that you are careful in choosing the words that you associate in your essay, this will definitely play a huge role in your writing projects, as simple as choosing words can create a meaningful or a meaningless essay.

Moreover, as English is not our mother tongue, you also need to note that,when writing, it is best if can research and fully understand the subject, the prompt and what is it asking you to write, meaning, the purpose of the project. Once you understand the purpose of the essay, it will be easier for you to write something about it. Also, pay attention to the English language rules, make sure that you review quiet briefly, if you have time, in order to make sure that you don't miss out on the rules of the language and associate this in your writing. I hope to review more of your articles soon and keep writing.

Writing Feedback / ielts- should we provide children in rural communities with more schools or computers [7]

Hi Minh, thank you for appreciating our work here on EF, there's nothing more than logging in to the website and reading your words of gratitude towards our craft, we do hope that you keep on writing, keep on listening to the suggestions that we provide and keep the feedbacks as your guide towards creating an even stronger essay.

Moreover, should you need further assistance, we are here for you, you can send us messages here on EF so we can assist you further. What I strongly suggest that you do is, read a lot, reading English literatures can help you see the integration of words, how they are used in a sentence and how they can be enhanced in your future writing projects.

Furthermore, when you write, it's good to understand your prompt first, analyze it, research on it if you need to and make sure that when you start writing, you write with confidence. Then,once you have come up with a good length in your essay, proof read it before continuing to write, this way, you are able to see and criticize your own craft, I do this too, this is the only way you can assure yourself that the idea is streamlined to the purpose of your essay. Keep writing!

Writing Feedback / Everyone should receive education on a field which is totally interested, without any gender barrier [3]

Hi View, well, WELCOME to the Essay Forum Family, we hope you find this website to be helpful as well as useful to your writing projects. IELTS is indeed a task that is not only challenging but also very rewarding, it teaches you how to be effective in exercising the English language and learn different strokes that will help you or assist you in coming up with a well written essay.

Further to your essay, I must say that it is fairly written, you also received a comprehensive feedback and review here from a few of the EF contributors and I hope you can follow through. Remember, however, that this is basically suggestions that we think will enhance your essay and you will be confidently submit it to the panel or your IELTS examiner.

Now, I also have a few suggestions for the last couple of paragraphs of your essay;

- Even if in some parts of the world men are received education more than women, for instance,However, men are seen to have received better education than women, some

- to enroll toand attend university.
- SinceMost of their

- In conclusion, universityuniversities should more consider
- in modifications ofmodifying the classifications of the students
- who enroll in school rather than their sex,
- what is more, everybody in every part ofeveryone in the world should beis entitled to
- received education i n a field
- that they are totally

There you have it View, practice more and write often, this will help you get better at this craft and I hope the modifications helped.

Writing Feedback / The protection for endangered animal species and your opinions. [7]

Hi Nguyen, indeed, it is true that when you are not that careful with what you write, it will result to a lot of mistakes, mistakes that are not suppose to be there in the first place and some of them are minor mistakes that can mean huge difference in your essay.

Furthermore, when you write, it is good to note and prepare the key functions of your laptop or desktop computer such as the spell checker as well as the grammar and space indicators. This key functions will not only help you in coming up with a well written essay but will also make you see what else or how else you can better your essay, therefore, it is crucial to have them turned on all the time.

While you're at your revision and preparation for the IELTS exam, it is also good to note that this minor setbacks can easily be fixed with a simple proof reading practice, every time you write, allot a time to run through your projects and this will guide you and will make you see what can be done to enhance your essay and finally create a well written essay. I hope to review more of your essays very soon and keep writing!

Writing Feedback / COLLEGEAPP: Assume that 're in a position of leadership in your country and write an academic Essay [3]

Hi Mark, I can see that you have the most comprehensive feedback here from one of our EF contributors and I hope you will follow through, you can expect that this essay review will help you strengthen your writing project and will warrant greater understanding towards the task at hand.

However, as much as I suggest that you follow the suggested remarks and modification, I would also caution you to take charge of your essay, for future writing reference, practice proof reading yourself, this is an effective way to review your essay, with yourself being the third person in the picture.

Furthermore, as you have word restriction here in this project, it is very good to note that the word limitation does not only remind you to polish your ideas but will also make sure that you don't have any redundant ideas through out the essay. Overall, I must say that this particular essay is fairly written, it is as much comprehensive as you could have approached a certain task.

Research Papers / Study on English-Chinese Translation of JANE EYRE Based on Juliane House's TQA Model [3]

Hi Galaxy, first of all, WELCOME to the Essay Forum Team, we hope that you find this website credible as well as useful in your writing projects, we strive to provide you with accurate feedback with hopes of keeping your essay strong and ready for submission.

Having said that, I find your essay very relevant to todays literary happenings, what I mean is that English translations are very vital in our daily conversations, this paved the way to greater understanding and unity among humans existence, not only that, daily activities are better and effectively done with the help of proper understanding of the English language.

Furthermore, as mush as I like the way that the paper progressed, I'm quiet puzzled with how your numbering each and every phase of the paragraph.

I believe it is necessary to put the ideas in significant order, however, it should not be that complicated, you can put it in sequential pattern such as, 2.0, 2.1, 2.2, etc., this should be enough to distinguish and enumerate the ideas that you want to convey to your readers. Overall, the paper is full of meaningful insights that justify the research. For future writing reference however, be careful with the relevance and elaboration of your ideas as this might complicate the task at hand.

Letters / Low GPA - Transfer Admission to Borough of Manhattan Community College [5]

Hi Tina, no worries at all Dear, we are here for you and there's nothing that makes and keeps us going than, logging in and reading words of gratitude from all of you. We definitely see to it that the feedback we provide are not only appropriate to the task at hand but also, we aim to give that extra strength to keep and make your essay stand out.

This particular letter that you have, I must say, is quiet critical, simply because it is a make or break essay, however, give it all your heart, all your great intensions to further your education and make yourself a better individual. When your intensions are pure and the clarity of your letter is evident, the administrators and reviewers will see this and will hopefully grant your request of transfer.

While you're at your revision Tina, I strongly suggest that you observe the length of your letter too, remember, the panel of reviewers often review a lot of letters each time they need be, therefore, keep your letter straight forward, true to its intension and make sure that it's not that long for it not to be too taxing to review. I hope to review your final letter soon.

Essays / What is the greatest love story of all? The speech. [5]

Hi Jemaima, first of all, WELCOME to the Essay Forum Family, I hope that you find this website credible as well as useful to your writing projects. Here on EF, we strive to provide you with the best and most accurate criticism and feedback that will hopefully help you in your essay and articles to come.

Now, when it comes to writing, specially when you have the liberty to choose what to write, I firmly suggest that you write what you are most comfortable with and in this case, I believe it is better for you to write about your mother.

Writing about a person whom you love the most, is what will make your essay interesting and even more so realistic, of course, not only because you are writing about your mother but because there is a connection between you and the subject. I believe you will be able to come up with a very good writing piece in the greatest love story you've ever heard and experienced. I hope to review your essay soon and should you need further assistance, do let us know and we will be here for you.

Writing Feedback / Fresh tea leaves picking is the first step of manufacturing black tea; IELTS diagram [3]

HI Rere, below is my take on your analysis;

- The two of theseThis processes are
- steps of how to produce theproducing tea.

- which is only budin their budding stage and
- the two top two petals of the leaves.
- the others part onesparts . - Then, these leaves are putplaced inon the rack
- that the sixty percent of moisture are outcan be drained .
- After withering, the leaves are hit by using two different methods. - this sentence is quiet confusing, please elaborate.

- method is doneis by rolling
- the tea leaves to become flat and broken,
- thereby the enzymes from the leaves are released .
- leaves,are then spread

- The next method is a modern way.
- After the leaves colour changes beingto copper, - the leaves are then dried in the hot dryers.
- Therefore the flavor and aroma of black tea is released .

There you have it Rere, this analysis has some points that are quiet confusing, I believe its simply because of the choice of words that you used in your sentences, otherwise it is a comprehensive essay.

Writing Feedback / Do you agree with the saying: "Traveling broadens your minds" ? [4]

Hi Ho, first of all, WELCOME to the Essay Forum Team, we hope that this is just the start f a great partnership not only because you are gearing towards your IELTS Exam but for you to have that creativity and craftsmanship in writing. Moreover, here on EF, we strive to provide you with the most comprehensive and accurate feedback for your essay and future writing projects.

Having said that, please find the modifications below;

- In the past, I thought that travel wastedis just a waste of a lot of money
- and it wasit's not worth
- to spendspending my time.
- However, I had to change my perspective
- after my trip onto Brazil for 5 years ago .
- I realize that traveling give
- me many benefits. Andand the
- most valuable thing I thinkthat travel
- bring tobrought me is that

- With all above pointsHaving said that , the benefits of travel are very clearly .
- Hence, let take your backpack, travel and broaden your mindperspectives .

There you have it Ho, I hope the above modifications help you in your revision. Should you need further assistance, do let us know so we can assist you further.

Writing Feedback / The protection for endangered animal species and your opinions. [7]

Hi Nguyen, as much as you are new here on EF, I must say that yo have a keen eye for this craft, maybe not the exact mastery that you are trying to achieve but, your writing definitely embodies the qualities of a good writer. Though a lot of practice is still needed, specially when it comes to word association, I can say that you are on the right path to discovering English as the means to express your ideas and opinions.

For one IELTS is one body that will guide you to the right strokes of writing, techniques and approach and as much as I would like to give you the band for this essay, I'm not able to as I am not an IELTS expert or reviewer, however, judging from the English language rules and different writing techniques, I will rate this essay at 6, this is due to the fact that, there are still a few enhancements to be done in your essay and to better elaborate your essay, please find the modifications below;

- By the way of conclusion, i once again reaffirmI conclude with great affirmation that what
- should take preferenc overdo their part
- is to strive to protectanyand protect
- wild animal species from dying outor extinction
- Furthermore practic al actions t
- be taken much more seriously against

There you have it Nguyen, I hope the above modifications are helpful as much as useful to your essay revision. For future writing reference, make try to draw a far greater idea than what is asked, this will ensure a unique approach and keen perspective to the essay.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: The qualities of life of people in big cities are worse. Give causes and measures. [2]

Hi Keely, as I am following a few of your essays, this one here is a fairly written one, what I have observed is the fact that you have the idea in your head, translating it into writing in order for your ideas to be understood is a totally different thing. As mentioned, one thing that you can do is to practice, however, when practicing, you also have to consider, a few factors that will help you gain further modification and strength for your essay.

Also, the below can guide you through;

- know your prompt, make sure that you understand it
- formulate a careful yet creative approach of your essay and make sure that you draft it first before submitting it, this way you can still edit your work

- mind the choice of words you include or associate in your essay, make sure that the words depict the idea that you are trying to convey to your readers

Finally, make sure that you document or note your progress, this will ensure you or let you see how far you've gone from you first article to the current one and believe me, a little progress is a progress and this is very vital towards becoming better if not the best at this craft. Keep writing!

Writing Feedback / IELTS: individuals are more and more dependent or independent. [4]

Hi Keely, I'm glad to know that you appreciate our work here on EF and I can assure you that we will continue to provide you with the most comprehensive and credible feedback in order for you to be able to submit an even stronger essay.

Now, you don't have to apologize in having started off with your writing, this is absolutely fine, specially when it comes to your case whose native tongue is not English. Furthermore, the only thing to actually help us in getting better in this craft is to practice it everyday, reading will also, greatly help to broaden our vocabulary as this will showcase different channels of word and sentence construction that will help us in creating our own sentences and will assist us in coming up with a well written essay.

Furthermore, when writing, make sure that you do the first things first, understand the prompt, create a strong idealistic approach, draft your ideas and proof read it as you go along, finally, review the prompt again and do a healthy comparison, specially here in EF, there are quiet a few essays that you can consider as your guide and EF will help you out in reviewing your final draft. Keep writing.

Writing Feedback / ielts- should we provide children in rural communities with more schools or computers [7]

Hi Minh, here's the rest of the review for your essay.

- in education for good teachers and materials.

- PetrsonalPersonal computer
- Firstly , it is an immense source
- such as new bakthroughthis breakthrough in - SecondlyNext , it is an effective
- correspond ence with talented

- good lecturers meansserves as a good source of
- motivation and good exemplaryexample ,
- morein depth knowledge
- is available forto students on
- withfrom gifted friends are promoted therein this platform .
- Therefore, the best solution to resolve this issue on low education standard in rural areas is to equip the young ones with computers and internet access.

There you have it Minh, I hope the remarks and modifications above are useful to your revision.

Letters / Low GPA - Transfer Admission to Borough of Manhattan Community College [5]

Hi Tina, first of all WELCOME to the Essay Forum Team, we appreciate your high regards to this forum and indeed, we strive hard to provide you with the most credible and accurate feedback in order for you to submit and even stronger project.

Now, as I go through your essay, I must say, your case is a very current happening, not only in the US but in most part of the world today. Education is one thing that you can be proud of, the good news is, acquiring a good education is never too late to anyone who is determined to learn and fulfill a lifelong dream.

Further to your essay, it is fairly written, though I have a few suggestions, please find them below;

- instead of using "Because", to begin your sentence, use " Due to the fact that..", I believe this is more appropriate and formal for the purpose of your essay.

8th paragraph
- I can no longer identify with the prioritization skills of my younger years andwas not able to prioritize my goals, however, I firmly

9th paragraph
- In preparation forof resuming my

Hopefully you'll understand my frame of mind which lead to decisions of long ago.

Your time is gratefully appreciated in regards to this matter and I hope to hear good news from CUNY!It is of my utmost gratitude to the management of CUNY for taking your precious time in reviewing this letter and hope to hear from you soon.

There you have it Tina, I hope the insights are helpful and I wish you the best of luck in this endeavor.

Writing Feedback / ielts- should we provide children in rural communities with more schools or computers [7]

Hi Minh, here's an initial feedback for your essay;

- The young????, the young what?, this introduction is half baked to start with )
- are facing up to several difficulties in
- the persuitpursuit ( mind your spelling and have your spell checker turned on at all times in order to avoid this minor setback ) of knowledge.

- that aiding in technological
- to behave more potential
- and practicabeeffectivity .

- on improving a student's quality of learning in rural areas.
- the subjects inat school.
- students enhancecan optimize their
- knowledge more quicklyacquisition and

There you have it Minh, what I notice in your essay is the lack of content, don't get me wrong, you have the idea and the right approach towards the prompt, however, this did not transpire in the essay. You have a few sentences that are not complete, in the end, they do not bear any meaning to the overall essay and makes the project even more complicated or difficult to understand. I hope the modifications and insights helped, I will get back to you for the rest of the essay.

Scholarship / What can you gain from learning cultures? What aspect of french history and culture interests you? [2]

Hi Sean, first of all WELCOME to the Essay Forum Team, we hope that this is just the start of a great partnership, may you also find this website valuable as much as useful to your writing projects.

We strive to provide you with the most accurate and credible feedback in order to strengthen your essay and be ready for submission.

Now, as this is an application letter to an exchange scholarship program, I must say, it's quiet long for its purpose. A letter of this agenda, should be focused on one goal and one goal only, answer the question, why are you interested in participating in this scholarship program. Now, I understand that you would like to have everything covered, all the basics, academic background, social insights and personal development, however, you still have to make sure that the focus of the letter is the "why and how" of this particular exchange program.

What I suggest that you do to refine or revise this essay is that, you keep focus, make sure that the points you establish is not only focused on the purpose of this program but also to what might be the outcome of this exercise. I hope to review the next leg of your draft soon.

Essays / Disillusionment about the nature of human Power in King Lear and Tempest [3]

Hi Debayan, first of all, WELCOME to the Essay Forum Team, we hope that this is just the start of a great partnership and by partnership, I mean you as much as we, will do our part in order for you to create a strong and worthy essay and any writing projects for that matter.

Now, when it comes to your book report, I understand that this is your first time here on EF, you cannot expect EF to be somehow initiating the report or the understanding for you. However, we can provide you with the most comprehensive feedback, once we have read your report. The topic you have at hand is definitely challenging, however, this should not stop you from starting or drafting you work and share it here on EF so we can provide you our side of the report.

Furthermore, your draft, once posted here on EF, will definitely go a long way, you can expect huge support from the team and this will surely make your essay or report even stronger. I hope to review your draft soon and should you have any questions at all, don't hesitate to reach us.

Writing Feedback / In a modern world people always face the dilemma to own a car. Perspective for the next 20 years. [3]

Hi Khaleed, I can see that you received a comprehensive feedback from one of our EF contributors and I hope you follow through, may you also practice proof reading your essay in order for you to exercise criticizing your work. Moreover, this will also allow you to see your work in a different angle and maintain that connection in your work.

Going through your essay, I understand your point on specifying the causes and the probability of the depleting number of cars in the years to come. I must say that your points are valid, it is very feasible to experience this in the future and though a lot of people are still into cars and there is a great interest of owning one, there are a few factors that may or may not influence them in getting a car.

Further to your essay and for future reference as well, mind the relevance of each and every paragraph as the essay progress, what I mean is that, make sure that there is a connection between each sequence of your essay. Yes it is vital that you put emphasis on your points but it also crucial to have a smooth flow of ideas in your essay.

I hope the insights helped and may you continue writing and share it here in EF.

Writing Feedback / Talk about the pros/cons of this era as is full of daily inventions. [4]

Hi Smith, first of all, your essay is very relevant to todays world. You made sure that the information you gathered are not only base on your thoughts but to the general outcome and progress that the modern world has brought not only to us as humans but also to the environment and to the world.

One thing that is also worth noting, is the fact that, you started the essay in a not so conventional way, most of the essays are written with the first two sentences about how technology has shaped todays world, instead, you started it with an information extracted from one of the most reputable organizations of the world, this means you are not only aware of the topic but you also exerted efforts in order to keep your essay abreast to todays current events.

Indeed, there are two sides of the coin and how we handle this progress as a person, is entirely up to us.
Being responsible is always the best way to go as this will result to good deeds, technology will continue to evolve faster than people will ever be, what we can do is to go with the flow with extra care and extra will to be the master of our craft and not let technology evolution eat us alive.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: People live in small family units rather than big family groups. Is it positive or negative? [4]

Hi Keely, below are my thoughts on your essay;

- It is true that increasing number of people
- prefer small family units torather than extended family groups.
- In this essay, I will explain the causes of this tr end
- and theits effects on our society.

- which arethis can be objective reasons and subjective reasons respectively.
- bythrough various electronic means of
- communication, ( don't forget you punctuation marks) quickly and effectively;,
- even if they do not l
- would like to be economic independenceeconomically independent from their families,

- By contrastOn the contrary ( contrast - is to color, contrary - is to ideas ) , people want
- the increasing number of divorce rate leads

Keely, for future writing reference, mind the construction of your sentences, when you say, "there is an increasing...", this should be followed by, "increasing number", because when you say,"increase", what is increasing, is it the data, the number, you have to be very specific, you also need to make sure that you are ready with a data that supports your claims. I hope my insights are useful.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: a large number of celebrities are not equipped with skills necessary for a politician [4]

Hi Natasha, as I read through your essay, I must say that you are able to convey your message with clarity. I do agree that politician will always be politicians and celebrities are not equipped with the right set of skills that will warrant a productive and effective management, specially when it comes to budget management, finding out which project needs priority and which project can still wait and sit back.

Moreover, I believe the points you cited are credible enough that merits to be published, not only that, it also gives some sort of review to those celebrities who aspire to become politicians, however, there is nothing wrong to dream and to strive to become what a person want to be, including a celebrity to become a politician, but we also need to see how to shape this dreams and if we can really make them a reality.

Now, I have a few suggestions for the last couple of paragraphs in your essay.

- Admittedly, there do exist a small group of celebrities who are talented exist ,
- Take account ofTaking their identities into account,
- which are able tothey might create a negative
- perceptions amongto people that will hamper
- their development of involvingto get involve in politics to a certain degree.

- To sum up, for the statements mentioned above, we mightTherefore, I safely conclude
- that it is not wise for athletes and performers to be involved in politics.

There you have it Natasha, hopefully, the modifications and remarks are helpful as well as useful to your revision.

Writing Feedback / Payment Disparity in Sports: Sexist or Economic [3]

Hi Julian, indeed WELCOME to the Essay Forum Family. We hope that this is just the start of this great partnership. Here on EF, we make sure that we provide you with the best and most accurate feedback in order for you to get better if not the best at this craft. Learn new writing techniques and discover different styles on how to approach the task at hand.

First of all, as I was reading your essay, I felt that you have the heart for this topic, it may not be your passion but you definitely made this writing to be true to its intentions, to create that equality on the sports industry. Not only that, I also observed that you gathered the right information for the right aspect of this study. You made sure that the data you provided are not only based on facts but also based on the struggle of both men and women in the sports industry.

Now, as much as I say KUDOS to your approach in this topic, I would like to draw your attention in presenting this essay, there are way too much paragraphs, don't get me wrong though, I don't want you to eliminate any of the paragraphs, as each and every paragraph is definitely vital to the essay, what I suggest is to merge a few paragraphs and keep it to a maximum of 5 paragraphs. Also, double check on the tenses that you use in the sentences. like "was", "were", and "is", review on the proper tenses as this will also create or affect the overall outcome of not only the sentence but even more so the entire essay.

Well, that's it for me, I hope the insights are valuable and even more helpful to your future writing projects.