Undergraduate / VOLUNTEERING EXPERIENCE; Gates Millennium- Involvement/ Contributions to Community [4]

You have answered it good, but I wish you specifically named a few places that you volunteered. I mean the names of organizations or clubs. Here you describe your experience in general. If you mention a name with whom you worked it would look more convincing to the admission panel. :) ... Also it's good if you added a little bit of emotions to your writing :)

Overall, your answer sounds very comprehensive :)
Good Luck!

Undergraduate / My younger sister; Villanova Community; Lesson & Experience [2]


And I felt ashamed of my sister because she was usually ranked at the bottom of the class.


... You better maintain one tense and here it is past tense;
She did nothing at home, but watching TV or chatting on the internet


.... most makes favorite redundant and therefore you need to leave one out. I suggest;
she wore my favorite dress.

Graduate / I was born in Izmir; Autobiographic Essay for Sarah Lawrence College [5]


... I wish you tell this a little differently;
I think it is my family's constant influence over the past twenty one years that shaped my personality into the one who I am today.


I was born into a family that bears resemblance to a star which is on the verge of sudden collapse.

Writing Feedback / Home is the first school and parents are first teachers; good members of society [2]


.... Hey.... this is too short for an introduction :D This is how you structure your intro; Introduce your topic briefly and express your opinion. If you have time, it is good if you can briefly introduce the reasons for your opinion too in the intro : )

In this essay, you introduction should be something like;
Education plays an important role in our lives for shaping us to become good members in society. Nowadays, both parents and schools actively take part in the process educating their children. While some people view that the parents are primarily responsible for teaching their children to become responsible members in society, others believe that it is the responsibility of the schools. However, in my opinion, both parents and schools have a role to play in guiding children in the right path for a peaceful society.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Essay- Advances in science and technology [2]


Today, technology has become a part of our life making us more and more dependent on it.


.... this sounds repetitive. You are repeating the same idea again and it is not good for your essay. I wish if you left this out.


Everything has been changing during the past century such as our lifestyles, foods, hobbies etc.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Essay- Most countries spend a large amount of money in weapons [2]


Today, many countries spend money on buying more advance weapons to keep their military forces at full scale readiness, even though they are not at war.


It is obvious that technology has changed everything including weapons.


Therefore old weapons are not effective any more.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Essay- Globalization; negatives and positives [2]


Good opening : ) My suggestion;
Globalization refers to the process of worldwide integration of societies, economies and cultures through the forces of technology, politics, religion and trade.


.... keep in plural form :)


Like every phenomenon has both positive and negative effects, globalization too is no exception.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Essay- Tobacco and alcohol [2]


.... Have the habit of starting with capital letters even during your practice sessions. That's very healthy :D
My suggestion;
Many cigarette manufacturing companies sprung up.


As a result many people were provided with job opportunities.


In movies, almost every hero and heroine used to smoke and drink alcohol. But today many people have realized that tobacco and alcohol can cause adverse effects to health.

Writing Feedback / Defiantly, our parents have a depth and direct effect in the whole of our life. [7]


Well, what I notice throughout your essay is that you tend to include many new key words, but they are not the appropriate words most of the time. For example;


"requirement stuff" is not a correct usage and the reader gets confused by such phrases. You can say this in a simpler way;

Some parents consider that providing the basic requirements to their children is their only responsibility.


"indicate"(point out) is not the appropriate word here. It's too narrow in meaning to be used here. Also "distinction stages" does not mean anything. It's a very confusing phrase :(

I suggest you to start writing simple sentences with the words you are very confident. Also read other good essays in this forum that help you get familiar with the vocabulary usage and essay points.

Undergraduate / I want a school where I can be myself; Why Reed? [2]

I like the way you have taken entrance to your answer. You sound pretty genuine : )


.... I like "logical reasoning" to "inquiry"


My classmates stare at me in disapproval when I ask "why"?
Overall, it's a real good piece of writing and you have presented it so well. GOOD LUCK!

Undergraduate / "IMAGINE" ; Smith College - A theme song that describes you best [5]

I like the way you have answered the prompt. You show your creativeness in every bit of writing and I admire that :)
Only I wish if you said the following in present tense;


Is it really that hard? and so do the next lines;



John Lennon's Imagine is one of my favorite songs too. : )
I couldn't find your essay written on "topic of your choice" but found this one while I was searching it :D
GOOD LUCK!

Undergraduate / Cultural diversity / Volunteering Opportunities; Unique qualities of Emory? [6]

You display very good writing skills. It flows smoothly until;


I wish if you said this a bit differently. "Science of humanity" what did you mean by this? Is that "cultural roots" you mean? I like if you re-phrase this line :)

Overall, I think this is a great answer. You have addressed what is required by the prompt and presented your answer very creatively :)

Writing Feedback / Who deserves to get higher pays ? _Ielts [5]


It is undeniable that certain professionals like doctors, teachers and nurses always play a very important role in society.


You need to specify what that aspect is, even if you are still in the introduction para. This line sounds too vague.


"As far as I am concerned" is the common usage.
This is my suggestion;
Generally, movie stars earn a lot more than other professionals of their time. However, their income lacks stability and security as it depends on their performance and capability. For example, if an actor meets with an accident and become physically disable, that would be the end of his career and so does his earnings.

Writing Feedback / Men & women in future education in Britain (IELTS -Graph) [4]

It's good if you included the prompt when you made the post. That's very helpful for you to receive relevant comments on your writing. :)


It illustrates how many men and women were studying as part-time or full-time during the period of review.


The highlighted part is very confusing. I think you should rephrase this line.

Undergraduate / Proud to be a Titan; Common App -Community [4]


Very good start : )


... That sounds a bit queer :(
I suggest either "The community" or "This community"


This sentence is pretty too long dear. Better break it up because it disturbs smooth flow of your ideas.
I think you have good reasons for this answer. But try and improve your sentences to be more clear with their ideas.

Undergraduate / Let's save earth from pollution; UK universities personal statement [3]


.... I feel this is too descriptive. You really don't have to say every detail of what you did, but it's important to tell them how those events contributed to shape your aspirations.

I once won an award at a science exhibition for a circuit I developed which gave me a great moral boost and confidence in my own skills in this discipline. With this I began fixing almost every electrical appliance that was out of order.

Writing Feedback / Petrol price Vs Traffic & Pollution; What other measures can be taken? [3]


.... unfeasible is not the most appropriate word here. My suggestion;
In my opinion, this approach might be a flop and instead of fuel hikes, authorities may increase the price of private vehicles to arrest this condition.


More specifically, increases in fuel cost may make only a small impact to people who own private vehicles.

Undergraduate / Hall of fame by "The Script"; SMITH - Theme song that describes me [6]


I am inspired by Paulo Coelho's lyrics which say that when someone really desires something, the entire universe conspires to help a person to realize his dream.


Sounds slightly repetitive. Why not try and rephrase?


but it strengthened my self confidence and gave me courage and energy to work towards my life long goal.

Writing Feedback / Why Many undergraduates and postgraduates face many difficulties? IELTS [5]


This essay would discuss some of these problems and how they can be tackled.


.... tell why they do it.
Many students student have themselves admitted to universities once they finish their secondary education in hope of specializing studies in their desired field.

You need to pay attention to grammar!

Writing Feedback / IELTS ESSAY; job for lifetime or multiple career which is best. Give opinion [3]


... "professionals" limit the scope to people with credentials in their respective fields. But I wish if you keep it open to everybody as the topic is very general. My suggestion;

Due to rapid advancement of technology, the job market nowadays has become highly competitive. Therefore the organizations now require more knowledgeable and skilled people to cope with the trends and demands of the dynamic environment they operate in.

Undergraduate / Education increases the ability of our mind; Virginia Tech PS/ QUOTATION [2]


Why do you repeat this statement in your answer? It consumes lots of words that you could have used to express some additional thoughts of yours. I feel you can straight away start with the next line


To be educated means to be able to broaden perspectives that helps logical reasoning. .... I tried to align your idea with the quote

Undergraduate / Small size/ Community/ Learning Opportunities/Safety/ Movies; Why Denison? [3]

Try and avoid repetition of ideas. Also you can combine a few ideas into one. For example, size+ family feeling+ relationships etc. For example;
I am attracted by Denison's small size which creates opportunities for close interactions with both professors and students making its community a close knitted family.

You can add a few more ideas here, but make sure your ideas are organized in a manner that they do not get repeated.

Writing Feedback / Nuclear technology a danger to life on Earth? IELTS [4]


It cannot be denied that nuclear technology has brought many benefits to the world such as new material fields, new source of energy, new health treatment methodologies etc.


But at the same time, there are some risks that are associated with nuclear technology. These risks involve environmental pollution and threats to the human existence on earth, for example using this technology for destruction such as making nuclear bombs and other weapons.

Writing Feedback / Who are more important? Older people or children (IELTS) [3]


.... In the way this idea is presented it sounds a bit out of the topic and irrelevant. So it fails to set up a clear link with your next idea or the topic. Either you should remove this sentence or put it in a manner that it supports your next idea.

Some people believe that older age ismore significant while others think that children are more crucial stage in a life periodimportant as they represent the future

When you contrast and compare, you need to use the words like "more", "better" etc.

Writing Feedback / Solution to our healthcare system [4]


In America today, ....


Healthcare system in America is currently having several issues because it depends over fifty percent on private health insurance schemes.


This sentence is too long and hence confusing. Better try re-phrasing to convey your idea clearly.

Undergraduate / I am a Sponge - USC (Motto - "Let whoever earns the palm bear it") [4]

Hi Lollifroll,


.... very well presented idea : )


Yes, as manjot suggests it's good to have your prompt so that we can align our comment with it better and you'd find our comments more relevant.

This looks really good piece of writing. I enjoyed reading it and hope you'd soon make another post with the prompt : )

Writing Feedback / Less stress, more harmony; is it better to live in small towns or big cities? [6]


as such, face many disadvantages.

You display excellent writing skills. I guess you are preparing for either IELTS or TOEFL. If that is so, I guess you can aim for a real good score or band. If you intend to post your essays for feed backs try to include the prompt as well. So that we can provide you with more relevant comments. :)

Writing Feedback / Do you think the salaries of professional sport players are two high? Why or why not? [4]


... Have the habit of starting with capital letters even during practice sessions. That's a healthy practice :D


....where they achieve success and fame through their hard work and determination.


but they continue to work hard in hope of bettering their performance.

You write very well. But make sure you give specific examples for your reasons. You haven't done that in this essay and it is very important for you to earn marks :)

Writing Feedback / ( IELTS essay) scientific researches in public sector..? [6]

Hi :)
Hey be careful.... I noticed you are getting suspended time to time. Be careful when providing comments, because if you provide very short comments like "thank you" sort of , you may get caught to "meaningless comments"

Any way.... I'm glad you are here. When is your exam?
Wish you good luck with it! :D

Undergraduate / Want to advance my knowledge; Motivation letter - Computer sciences faculty in Norway [4]


... I suggest you to remove this line. I feel this does not give a good opening to your letter of motivation. :(
It's better to talk about your skills and abilities specifically rather than just making a general statement.

Here's a link for a sample motivation letter. Perhaps it may provide you with a useful guideline.

Writing Feedback / Your home movies & television programs are better than foreign ones! TOEFL [4]


Most of my friends usually love to watch American action movies rather than watching our local movies and television programs.


... I feel you should leave out the part that I highlighted because it sounds a bit out of topic. My suggestion;
There are several reasons that support my opinion.


....this is confusing. Are you happy with this movie presentation or not?

Writing Feedback / Defiantly, our parents have a depth and direct effect in the whole of our life. [7]


I think these lines go a bit out of the topic. The topic is about whether parents are the best teachers or not. It does not speak about their parental responsibilities. As per the topic even the best parents who care for their children endlessly, may not be the best teachers for their children when the teaching aspects and abilities are concerned. You need to tackle this topic that way!

Scholarship / Life time experience with a college life; Summer School Scholarship [14]


This scholarship will help advance my knowledge in these fields.

I wish if you improved its presentation to have it more effective. Tell about your desire for furthering studies in these fields with a greater punch. Also if you have good credentials such as excellent grades and other academic achievements, mention about them briefly to convince them that you deserve a helping hand to pursue studies. Also mention about your financial standing and constraints if you have any, but very tactfully. : )

Writing Feedback / Exploration & development of safe alternatives to fossil fuels - A PRIME IMPORTANCE [3]


This sentence is too long and lacks clarity. I suggest you to have one idea per sentence and present those ideas in a more conceivable, yet interesting manner.

At present, every ordinary layman is conscious about depletion of oil which currently acts as the main energy provider to the world.
You need to supply examples to each reason you speak about in the body paras. It's must for this task you would earn good marks on examples. :)

Writing Feedback / TV is replacing books as the new devices for people to learn in modern society [4]


.... this sentence does not sound complete... you need to add another idea at the end :(
In a world where media technology is booming everyday and television programs consume the majority part of one's daily routine.... (continue with the next idea)


... This sentence is not very meaningful because the examiner anyway expect you to do this. So it does not add value and you can think of removing :)

Writing Feedback / Some students prefer to study alone. Others prefer to study with a group of students. [2]


Keep it more direct and simple ! :)


and the ones who study in groups ....


First, one who studies alone, as many people think, is more focused and disturbance free.


This is not true because studying together may not make one to concentrate better and manage time wisely.
You need to give specific examples for each reason :)

Writing Feedback / ( IELTS essay) who is valued more: young or old [6]


Sounds controversial. Be careful when you contrast or compare two nations or ethnic groups. I wish if you avoided this sentence. : )
The westerners may argue it is not so; In many western countries, they pay great attention to elders and their welfare.


Old age is often associated with wisdom and maturity.

Writing Feedback / IELTS:The most important characteristic of a leader is the good communication skill? [4]


...when you say "social influence" it gives a different meaning. My suggestion;
The leader can be described as a person who can greatly influence the society.


...having excellent communication skills is a mandatory skill that a good leader should possess.

Undergraduate / Taste of Victory; COMMON APP- Personal Essay [6]

I wish if you gave us the prompt to give more appropriate comments. :)


I still remember the excitement of the moment when they informed that my US visa was through.


Though I was pretty young, I knew my life would going to change soon.
Is there any particular word count?

Undergraduate / Exchange student Experience/ Location/ Student Voluntary activities: Why CC/ attend? [5]


.... What do you mean by CSU?


... This is a very strong sentence. Very well presented : )


... I guess this is a typo

Awesome... this is really beautiful :)
This is well written and I feel you have tackled the prompt really well. I wish you good luck with your application!