Great editing by Deepak :) Thanks for your time and meticulous editing :)
In recent years,students' financial burdenincreasing
... there's a small grammar miss; is increasing/ increases .... this is my suggestion; In recent years, students'financial burden has increased ....
All in all , Inin my opinion ,the third way of supporting student's tuiton might be the most suitable one.
My suggestion; In conclusion, I believe that the third option of supporting the students' tuition fees while making them accountable for repayment is the best solution for this issue.
However, the methods we use to cope with the consequences of success are how we determine if fortune will continue to come.
However, the way we cope with the consequences of success, would determine whether or not the fortune would continue to flow.
I think your essay would have been more interesting had you given some real life examples for the points you highlight. Then your arguments become more conceivable :)
You in a vague way say that studying for a shorter time is better than devoting lots of time on one subject. But it's better if it is said more explicitly in the introduction.
, thereby increasing the profound the knowledge
.... this is some what confusing. What are you trying to say?
who study the English
... don't use the word "the" in front of a language.
To answer this question requires an agreeable definition of being "educated".
Hey... it seems your answers have a heavy focus on definitions. I saw this in your "folly" essay too . ;) That's fine so long as these prompts do not come in one set of applications. If so, it might sound a bit stereo type and be careful about this fact :)
In conclusion, no matter how famous the teachers and institutions are, the student is not well educated if they do not satisfy either of my other two conditions. So, to be well educated is to achieve an advanced level in their field of study, or have studied in a variety of fields.
I guess you better put a little more effort to improve the presentation of this conclusion. I know you can do a good job ;)
I can see a remarkable improvement from the first draft you did. I also appreciate your great effort to keep improving it. You are a student who goes that extra mile and I think your answer itself shows that quality. It is a very good response to the prompt and you don't need any hesitations to submit it now. I wish you all the best with your application !
Some people resist that " The Devil you know is better than the one you do not " or unchange is better without thinking of its problem and solution. In this essay , unchange's key and consequence will be focused on in general
... your idea lacks clarity. This is my suggestion for your opening lines; Some people say "Known devil is better than unknown angel" and do not welcome changes. However, change is inevitable in this dynamic world.
It's always good to post your prompt, so that we can understand what the prompt requires and provide you with more relevant comments :)
I guess you are getting ready for TOEFL or IELTS. If that is the case, you need to improve a lot if you wish to go for a reasonable score.
First understand the essay structure. The recommended structure contains at least four paras; Introduction+ 2 Body Paras +Conclusion. Read good essays that are written on similar topics.
As the time passes everyone has to face with making one of the most important decisions, namely deciding what he or she wants to do in their lives.
.... I wish if you said this differently; At some point in life, everybody has to make important decisions, especially with regard to what we want to do in our lives.
Throughout my life I have been interested in communicating with people, sharing the knowledge and introducing new, innovative ideas to the society.
I have always been an extrovert who love to be with people, share knowledge with them and contribute to the society with innovative ideas.
It is apparent that with increasing environment concerns and the rapid exhaustion of the Earth's natural resources, it is very important to dispose of trash in an eco-friendly manner.
...'' It is apparent '' and ''it is important'' sound a bit repetitive. My suggestion ; It is apparent that with increasing environment concerns and rapid depletion of Earth's natural resources, trash needed to be disposed in an eco-friendly manner.
The primary reasons for this are their awareness and habits.
The primary reasons for this issue is low awareness level of the people and their habits.
Your introduction follows good structure. It's only the opening sentence that I wish if you had changed;
As traveling becomes increasingly significant in recent years, debates have been raised about whether the food, location or the friends that travel with is the most crucial element of a good vacation.
I doubt where there is a debate going on this matter. Even the prompt asks for your preferences on the subject. So this sentence seems a bit irrelevant as an idea and also it speaks of an enjoyable vacation, which is not necessarily be a travelling experience. My suggestion;
Everybody looks forward to spending an enjoyable vacation. For me, travelling with good friends is the best way to enjoy my vacation.
the woman who held a key role in shaping the person I am today
the woman who played a key role in shaping my personality.
When my teacher assigned me this task, the task of choosing what animal, shape, or color represents the person I am, these were my answers, and in some ways, these statements are still true.
... for me, this sentence sounds a bit too long.... longer the sentence, more the reader has to put effort memorizing its details. I don't think he likes it :D
Wish to know your prompt to give a more relevant feed back!
Nowadays, we can learn foreign languages in all levels of schools and some educational institutions.
Nowadays we more facilities to learn foreign languages.
Personally, I agree with the idea that it is a positive development thought it may impact our mother tongue, and I believe that various we can do to prevent the drawbacks.
... it should be "though"and I guess it's a typo :)
I wish you have more specific examples for your reasons. That's what they expect in this task. For your first body para you can give an example like;
In tourism industry, the people who can speak more languages stand better opportunities for jobs than who are fluent in only their mother tongue.
. More over,all human being has the right to get the best medicines available now
.... there's a small grammar issue ; all human beings have/ every human being has
new modes of treatments
new modes of treatment
The present condition should change in the field of medical treatment in a way that all people do access the ultimate mode of treatment in-dependent of their financial status.
... that all people do have access to the advanced medical treatments irrespective of their financial or social standing.
In a nutshell,as a civilian all people have the right to treatment irrespective of their financial status.
Online learning is associated with studying things by sitting at home with the help of computer devices and the internet.
Online learning is associated with all electronic medias and devices and has no geographical or time barriers. Therefore it enables a person to learn from his own home and at any time of the day in contrast of rigid class room structure in schools.
Many people have started adopting this method of learning from elementary schooling to higher studies.
Many people are now using this method of e-learning from elementary to tertiary level in replacement of traditional school education system .
Nowadays, technology plays an important role in our lives,we can use it everywhere.
.... The part in bold letters gives an excellent opening to the essay. However, the rest does not supports its flow :( Nowadays, technology plays an important role in our lives offering more convenient and efficient solutions to handle our day to day functions.
Human relay
The right word is "rely" and not "relay" Humans rely on technology
No.... it's not :) It seems that you have good writing skills and you have a great potential to go for a good score if you improve the essay structure. Your problem is that you don't seem to have understood the expected essay structure of this task. I think if you pay attention to the structure, everything would soon fall in line. Read the following essays to get a knack of this structure. Keep practicing and you'll surely improve more and more. :) Don't have any hesitation to post your practice essays here; we are willing to provide you feedback that would definitely help you progress : )
.... This is ok, but you better start the essay with a punch. Then your reader would be on all his ears to listen to you :D
The Technology has developed a lot. With that development, food can be prepared more easily and it can taste a lot better than it used to.
.... hey.... you can't say it tasted bad earlier without having eaten what your previous generations cooked :P With the advancement of technology, food preparation has become a lot easier than what it used to be.
Your essay seems to be too short for this task. You need to pay attention to the essay structure. Generally it is recommended to follow the four para structure - Introduction, two body paras and the conclusion.
In the introduction, introduce your topic and express your view on the argument. Then give reasons and examples for your opinion in the body paras. Finally sum up everything in the conclusion :)
The speed at which my neighborhood was changing made me feel like I was watching the world move in fast-forward by some sort of magic.
... This is awesome!
This fact inspires me to apply to Cornell, because of its equally unique capacity to bridge the world of thought and ideas with the world of practice and action.
This fact inspires me to apply to Cornell, especially because of its unique capacity to bridge the two worlds; the world of thoughts and ideas and the world of practice and action.
I think you have answered it very smartly. Good luck!
As your typical teenager merely striving to find a sense of self-identity, I found myself aiming to align with the preferences of the crowd.
... I think you've given too much details here. This is what I feel the core idea of this sentence; Like many other teenagers, I too tried to align myself with the preferences of the crowd.
I still found myself distant and disjointed from the conversation.
.... my heart didn't let me join their conversations.
Yearning to find a musical genre I could sincerely connect and identify with, I then discovered Vocaloid.
Yearning to find a musical genre that I could connect with, I discovered Vocaloid.
Here you need to highlight the reason more specifically. You believe it is important to prepare students for their future careers as you think the main problem for unemployment is that they are not prepared to take up those challenges. That should be said in the introduction to align your argument with the topic. :)
Divorce seems to be more socially acceptable nowadays and is alsothe most common issue in the modern world.
... "most common issue'' ; You need to be careful when forming opinions. Another person may argue this is wrong and you would find it difficult to defend yourself. So keep such phrases more open;
Divorce seems to be more socially acceptable nowadays compared to the previous eras and has become one of the most common issues across the globe.
With the increase rate of divorce, the pace of emotional instability and crime rate is also quickening.
.... my suggestion; Increased divorce rate causes emotional instability and growing crime rate.
Moderators Please evaluate!!!!!!!! Waiting for more responses...
:D ... these days keep mods really busy with flooding of Common Apps :D You write well.... However, I wish if you presented this with more emotions. The admission committee should remember you among other thousands of applications.
It was in my school days I started to develop a strong desire for knowledge in Computer Science and at the same time my paternal uncle gifted me a for securing 84% in my 7th grade.
Why not say this with a better punch? Avoid too much details that admission guys are not interested such as "paternal"; I remember how delighted I was when my uncle gifted me a computer when I was in the seventh grade.
Many people do not understand nor wish to understand the issues facing them.
Many people neither understand nor wish to comprehend the issues they face.
The average person today is more likely to know the details of the General Petraeus affair than the details of how our healthcare system works.
Strong point; good!
In fact, ignorance has led many people into deep apathy towards important matters that define our political, economic and social state as a country and as people.
I suggest; "as a nation" .... "nation" has both these meanings.
I would tell my community that staying informed is the only sure way they can express the concerns that lead to action.
So, I should just change "mirror" to "imprint" and the sentence would be correct?
Yes... that makes lots of sense.
Lastly, children usually mirror themselves on their parents. That's as important thing because even if the parents don't intend to teach their children something, they are always observing and learning by themselves. So, if there is a man that beats his wife and treats her bad, his child probably is going to be rude and treat girls bad.
Lastly, children imprint their parents . In other words this is a natural phenomenon that children tend to adopt behaviors, values and ideals of their parents in thier young days. Therefore, the parents influence is a vital fact in the learning process of children.
I aligned this idea with the topic which talks about parental teaching :)
. For example, in an academic meeting you meet a person, who is not your friend, and you argue on some curriculum.
... why not you give a more specific example; For example, when you participate in an inter-school debate, you would certainly argue with your opponents that you do not know them in person. However, once the debate is over, you would become friendly with your opponents.
..undeniable Good introduction; well presented and structured. However, you need to pay lots of attention to spelling :D
Actually, many people admit that they always visit social networks like Facebook or Twitter at least two hours a day
They spend two hours and visit two times... Hope you got my point. :) Actually, many people admit that they generally spend their time on social networks such as Facebook or Twitter at least for tow hours a day.
Nowadays,many changes have taken place in the theam of curriculam due to the advancements in lifestyle.
theme of curriculum? Well, I think your topic means something different. It's not about the curriculum, but about the gap year. Curriculum is about the subjects and moduels that are taught in school. This is something more to do with the education system. So you need to align this opeining sentence more with the topic. :)
I believe that Hobart and William colleges is a perfect school for me because hunting down for colleges my junior year, I wanted a small liberal arts school where I can be challenged mentally and academically.
Hobart and William colleges is a perfect school for me because I always looked forward to a small liberal arts school that would challenge me pscychologically and academically.
Being exposed to challenges will provide me with baby steps to the real challenges that I would face in the real-world.
------ hmmmm.... I guess this sentence does not have much value addition to your answer. It does not contain any new idea :(
Sports have been a major aspect throughout my life, whether it was gymnastics, soccer, volleyball, or basketball. I developed knee pain and was referred to a physical therapist.I found that learning about my injury and how to fix the problem was very intriguing to me.
.... You need to set up a better link between the first and the second lines; Irrespective of whether it is gymanstics, soccer, volleyball or basketball, these sports have always been an integral part of my life. Once I got injured on knee and was referred to a physio therapist, who helped me understand about my injury and how to fix the problem. This was the advent of my passion for learning health and human body.
Hi Colin, I like your essays a lot and everytime I see your post, I can't help it, but stop and peep my nose into it :D
Professors play an important role in university andbecause they are the people who manage the teaching and research.
.... When you say they play an important role, you need to say in what regard they play that important role. My suggestion; Professors are an integral part of any university
as practice is the criterion of testing truth
since application in real world is the criterion of testing the truth or feasiblity
Ok.... I guess this is about the person who has had a significant impact on you; right?
My family immigrated to America from China twenty years ago but unfortunately, my mother was over-aged and wasn't allowed to immigrate with them. The next opportunity was in 10 years, so she stayed behind to watch over the house, and waited.
Well... your mother is an important member of your family, isn't it? So these two lines tend to confuse the actual situation. I think here you need to be a little more descriptive as to say who and who migrated and at what age you were. It's a bit difficult to establish a link between you say in the first para with these two lines. I hope you would re-phrase these lines :)
After seeing my mother battle cancer I was motivated to be someone who could assist people with similar issues
.... I'm going to suggest a different way of telling this idea; After seeing my mother's battle with cancer, I wanted to become somebody who could contribute to help relieve the pain of cancer patients.
This feeling led me to grow interest in biology and eventually played a role in selecting my major for high school, where I had the opportunity to major in bio-technical engineering
.... I guess you should present this more direct and in a simple tone; This led to my keen interest in biology and I eventually selected "bio-technical engineering" as my major in the high school.