Writing Feedback / topic:Today,student's tuition is paid in one of the following ways: [2]

Great editing by Deepak :) Thanks for your time and meticulous editing :)


... there's a small grammar miss; is increasing/ increases .... this is my suggestion;
In recent years, students'financial burden has increased ....


My suggestion;
In conclusion, I believe that the third option of supporting the students' tuition fees while making them accountable for repayment is the best solution for this issue.

Writing Feedback / correct choices - SAT Essay: Can success be disastrous? [2]


However, the way we cope with the consequences of success, would determine whether or not the fortune would continue to flow.

I think your essay would have been more interesting had you given some real life examples for the points you highlight. Then your arguments become more conceivable :)

Writing Feedback / Some people tend to study a subject on intensive way over a short period of time [6]

You in a vague way say that studying for a shorter time is better than devoting lots of time on one subject. But it's better if it is said more explicitly in the introduction.


.... this is some what confusing. What are you trying to say?


... don't use the word "the" in front of a language.

Undergraduate / Achieving an advance level in the field/ Broader knowledge;MEANING of "WELL EDUCATED" [16]


Hey... it seems your answers have a heavy focus on definitions. I saw this in your "folly" essay too . ;)
That's fine so long as these prompts do not come in one set of applications. If so, it might sound a bit stereo type and be careful about this fact :)


I guess you better put a little more effort to improve the presentation of this conclusion. I know you can do a good job ;)

Writing Feedback / Should children engage in some kind of paid work? No [4]


.... it should be "It's". Here's my suggestion;4
It is fundamentally wrong to employ kids in paid work preventing them from enjoying their childhood.


Ina country like India, where I live


....adult work or adult's work


.... Otherwise the sentence ends up abruptly without a neat completion.
Overall you have written a very good essay!

Undergraduate / Best Buddies; Common App/ Extracurricular [10]

I can see a remarkable improvement from the first draft you did. I also appreciate your great effort to keep improving it. You are a student who goes that extra mile and I think your answer itself shows that quality. It is a very good response to the prompt and you don't need any hesitations to submit it now. I wish you all the best with your application !

GOOD LUCK!

Writing Feedback / KNOWN DEVIL IS BETTER THAN UNKNOWN; " People naturally resist changes in their live [3]


... your idea lacks clarity. This is my suggestion for your opening lines;
Some people say "Known devil is better than unknown angel" and do not welcome changes. However, change is inevitable in this dynamic world.

It's always good to post your prompt, so that we can understand what the prompt requires and provide you with more relevant comments :)

Writing Feedback / [IELTS ESSAY] what, in your opinion, should be the main function of a university? [4]


... some place? you have to specify what are these places.
Some universities focus on preparing students for their future careers.


I guess your introduction sounds better without this line


.... the correct form is "In contrast"


I tend to believe that providing students with more opportuinities...

Writing Feedback / Should there be fixed punishment for crimes? [4]

I guess you are getting ready for TOEFL or IELTS. If that is the case, you need to improve a lot if you wish to go for a reasonable score.

First understand the essay structure. The recommended structure contains at least four paras; Introduction+ 2 Body Paras +Conclusion.
Read good essays that are written on similar topics.

Undergraduate / Broaden my perspectives; UGRAD Exchange Program/ Why participate? [6]


.... I wish if you said this differently;
At some point in life, everybody has to make important decisions, especially with regard to what we want to do in our lives.


I have always been an extrovert who love to be with people, share knowledge with them and contribute to the society with innovative ideas.

Writing Feedback / IELTS - Recycling rubbish does not happen in some countries; Why & What can be done? [4]


...'' It is apparent '' and ''it is important'' sound a bit repetitive. My suggestion ;
It is apparent that with increasing environment concerns and rapid depletion of Earth's natural resources, trash needed to be disposed in an eco-friendly manner.


The primary reasons for this issue is low awareness level of the people and their habits.

Writing Feedback / Which of the following contribute most to an enjoyable vacation? TOEFL [2]

Your introduction follows good structure. It's only the opening sentence that I wish if you had changed;


I doubt where there is a debate going on this matter. Even the prompt asks for your preferences on the subject. So this sentence seems a bit irrelevant as an idea and also it speaks of an enjoyable vacation, which is not necessarily be a travelling experience. My suggestion;

Everybody looks forward to spending an enjoyable vacation. For me, travelling with good friends is the best way to enjoy my vacation.

Undergraduate / My class teacher who palyed a key role in shaping my character; William & Mary [3]


the woman who played a key role in shaping my personality.


... for me, this sentence sounds a bit too long.... longer the sentence, more the reader has to put effort memorizing its details. I don't think he likes it :D

Wish to know your prompt to give a more relevant feed back!

Writing Feedback / [IELTS] Learning foreign languages is common now. Good or Not? Can prevent drawbacks [8]


Nowadays we more facilities to learn foreign languages.


... it should be "though"and I guess it's a typo :)

I wish you have more specific examples for your reasons. That's what they expect in this task. For your first body para you can give an example like;

In tourism industry, the people who can speak more languages stand better opportunities for jobs than who are fluent in only their mother tongue.

Writing Feedback / Should the parents plan their children s leisure? Yes [5]


Many people


parents are responsible/ parent is responsible


.... sounds better without this part


The first reason is that children are not matured and experienced enough to differentiate between good and bad activities.

Writing Feedback / Should all people access advanced medical treatment? Yes ; IELTS [2]


.... there's a small grammar issue ;
all human beings have/ every human being has


new modes of treatment


... that all people do have access to the advanced medical treatments irrespective of their financial or social standing.

Writing Feedback / (IELTS ESSAY) differences between e-learning and conventional learning. [5]


Online learning is associated with all electronic medias and devices and has no geographical or time barriers. Therefore it enables a person to learn from his own home and at any time of the day in contrast of rigid class room structure in schools.


Many people are now using this method of e-learning from elementary to tertiary level in replacement of traditional school education system .

Writing Feedback / We need to give respect to our traditions and prevent to going the wrong way [4]


.... The part in bold letters gives an excellent opening to the essay. However, the rest does not supports its flow :(
Nowadays, technology plays an important role in our lives offering more convenient and efficient solutions to handle our day to day functions.


The right word is "rely" and not "relay"
Humans rely on technology

Writing Feedback / IELTS writing task 2: The use of CCTV (close circuit television) [7]

No.... it's not :) It seems that you have good writing skills and you have a great potential to go for a good score if you improve the essay structure. Your problem is that you don't seem to have understood the expected essay structure of this task. I think if you pay attention to the structure, everything would soon fall in line. Read the following essays to get a knack of this structure. Keep practicing and you'll surely improve more and more. :) Don't have any hesitation to post your practice essays here; we are willing to provide you feedback that would definitely help you progress : )

Writing Feedback / (TOEFL) Disagree or agree"It is impossible always being honest to your friends." [2]


..."when" is used two times in this line;
There are circumstances that we would better not be honest when giving priority to others' feelings.

Good Job; excellent essay structure; interesting writing style and real good vocabulary. You can easily go for a good score :)

Writing Feedback / Easy preparation of food leads to a better life; TOEFL [3]


.... This is ok, but you better start the essay with a punch. Then your reader would be on all his ears to listen to you :D


.... hey.... you can't say it tasted bad earlier without having eaten what your previous generations cooked :P
With the advancement of technology, food preparation has become a lot easier than what it used to be.

Writing Feedback / IELTS writing task 2: The use of CCTV (close circuit television) [7]

Your essay seems to be too short for this task. You need to pay attention to the essay structure. Generally it is recommended to follow the four para structure - Introduction, two body paras and the conclusion.

In the introduction, introduce your topic and express your view on the argument. Then give reasons and examples for your opinion in the body paras. Finally sum up everything in the conclusion :)

Undergraduate / "You are Not Special" ; Cornell Sup /Economics [15]


... This is awesome!


This fact inspires me to apply to Cornell, especially because of its unique capacity to bridge the two worlds; the world of thoughts and ideas and the world of practice and action.

I think you have answered it very smartly. Good luck!

Undergraduate / Synthesized Voices; Common App/ Creative Work [4]

Here's my help for cutting down your word count;


... I think you've given too much details here. This is what I feel the core idea of this sentence;
Like many other teenagers, I too tried to align myself with the preferences of the crowd.


.... my heart didn't let me join their conversations.


Yearning to find a musical genre that I could connect with, I discovered Vocaloid.

Writing Feedback / Colleges should offer more career-based courses for students future [8]

Here you need to highlight the reason more specifically. You believe it is important to prepare students for their future careers as you think the main problem for unemployment is that they are not prepared to take up those challenges. That should be said in the introduction to align your argument with the topic. :)

Writing Feedback / DIVORCE AND ITS EFFECT IN THE SOCIETY. [4]


... "most common issue'' ; You need to be careful when forming opinions. Another person may argue this is wrong and you would find it difficult to defend yourself. So keep such phrases more open;

Divorce seems to be more socially acceptable nowadays compared to the previous eras and has become one of the most common issues across the globe.


.... my suggestion;
Increased divorce rate causes emotional instability and growing crime rate.

Graduate / Pentium IV PC, my uncle's gift; SOP; MS in S/w Engineering: [4]


:D ... these days keep mods really busy with flooding of Common Apps :D
You write well.... However, I wish if you presented this with more emotions. The admission committee should remember you among other thousands of applications.


Why not say this with a better punch? Avoid too much details that admission guys are not interested such as "paternal";
I remember how delighted I was when my uncle gifted me a computer when I was in the seventh grade.

Writing Feedback / IELTS;There is no success without studying our past, so studying History is important [7]


It's well written, but I have a problem with that as an idea. Is History a study? I guess it the collection of events that happened in the past. :)


... it provides very meaningful insights for a better today and tomorrow.

.


or you can say "factors contributing to ..."

Very impressive style of writing

Undergraduate / Be Informed; Pomona Supplement - What I say to my community [4]


Many people neither understand nor wish to comprehend the issues they face.


Strong point; good!


I suggest; "as a nation" .... "nation" has both these meanings.


..."only guaranteed way"

Writing Feedback / Parents are the best teachers because they are more special than everybody else;TOEFL [8]


Yes... that makes lots of sense.


Lastly, children imprint their parents . In other words this is a natural phenomenon that children tend to adopt behaviors, values and ideals of their parents in thier young days. Therefore, the parents influence is a vital fact in the learning process of children.

I aligned this idea with the topic which talks about parental teaching :)

Writing Feedback / GRE Analytical: Relationships can only develop after a CONFLICT [3]


When two people share same interests


... why not you give a more specific example;
For example, when you participate in an inter-school debate, you would certainly argue with your opponents that you do not know them in person. However, once the debate is over, you would become friendly with your opponents.

Writing Feedback / "The widespread of the Internet has brought many problems" Main problems & solution. [4]


...modern world :)


..undeniable
Good introduction; well presented and structured. However, you need to pay lots of attention to spelling :D


They spend two hours and visit two times... Hope you got my point. :)
Actually, many people admit that they generally spend their time on social networks such as Facebook or Twitter at least for tow hours a day.

Writing Feedback / Aadvantages and disadvantages of sending children work or travel just be;IELTS [3]


theme of curriculum?
Well, I think your topic means something different. It's not about the curriculum, but about the gap year. Curriculum is about the subjects and moduels that are taught in school. This is something more to do with the education system. So you need to align this opeining sentence more with the topic. :)

Undergraduate / Small liberal arts school/ Chllenge mentally&academically; Why hobart and williams? [6]


Hobart and William colleges is a perfect school for me because I always looked forward to a small liberal arts school that would challenge me pscychologically and academically.


------ hmmmm.... I guess this sentence does not have much value addition to your answer. It does not contain any new idea :(

Undergraduate / Sports have been a major aspect throughout my life; Seattle U Sup [3]


.... You need to set up a better link between the first and the second lines;
Irrespective of whether it is gymanstics, soccer, volleyball or basketball, these sports have always been an integral part of my life. Once I got injured on knee and was referred to a physio therapist, who helped me understand about my injury and how to fix the problem. This was the advent of my passion for learning health and human body.

Undergraduate / The Spider Playbook; Why Weiss School of Natural Sciences? [2]


It was his favorite book for years and years only until he discovered the Hardy Boys series.


.... I like if you say this differently;
No two words, "Biology" is my favorite discipline.


... this is confusing... what do you mean by "where than can happen" ?

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Should Professors research or teach students? [5]

Hi Colin,
I like your essays a lot and everytime I see your post, I can't help it, but stop and peep my nose into it :D


.... When you say they play an important role, you need to say in what regard they play that important role. My suggestion;
Professors are an integral part of any university


since application in real world is the criterion of testing the truth or feasiblity

Good writing as always :)

Undergraduate / Determination to provide my family - Common app [5]

Ok.... I guess this is about the person who has had a significant impact on you; right?


Well... your mother is an important member of your family, isn't it? So these two lines tend to confuse the actual situation. I think here you need to be a little more descriptive as to say who and who migrated and at what age you were. It's a bit difficult to establish a link between you say in the first para with these two lines. I hope you would re-phrase these lines :)

Undergraduate / My mother had breast cancer/ COMMON APP [11]


.... I'm going to suggest a different way of telling this idea;
After seeing my mother's battle with cancer, I wanted to become somebody who could contribute to help relieve the pain of cancer patients.


.... I guess you should present this more direct and in a simple tone;
This led to my keen interest in biology and I eventually selected "bio-technical engineering" as my major in the high school.

Undergraduate / My love for a life of hustle and bustle; Boston U: Why BU? [6]


Good sentence.
I feel you have answered well for this prompt. Hope I'm not too late with my comment as it is already 1st of Jan 2013.

Good Luck with your application and also wish you a very happy and prosperous New Year! :)