Scholarship / THE REPLY FOR AAS ESSAY - MY THREE PRACTICAL EXAMPLES AND POTENTIAL CONSTRAINTS [4]

Do not use an outline form for the presentation. It makes it difficult to follow and understand. Rather, use paragraph to combine the discussions for each required presentation. That way the discussion is clear, with a purpose, and analyzes the obstacles in relation to the first 2 points. Right now, you are presenting a truncated form of discussion. This does not help with your presentation requirements. You are presenting incomplete discussions. The outlined topics for discussion were only meant to help guide you in a clear manner. That is not the presentation format you should be using. It has to be a free flowing and expanded essay discussion based on the prompt requirements. You have the main discussion topics covered, now, go and increase the explanation based on the discussion requirements. Don't forget to explain how you plan to overcome the obstacles using the information you will be learning, network you will develop, and other skills you will gain from the masters course.

Research Papers / How Technology and Social Media Harms Children [2]


This is a highly compelling statement that carries a clear topic for discussion. I believe you must make this a part of the opening paragraph. Place it as the final part to serve as the actual thesis statement of your paper. It compels the reader to continue reading in a manner far better than the current last part of the first paragraph. Just create a new lead in presentation for the citation in the second paragraph.

I am sure that there are specific surveys available in the public domain that will have data on the actual effects that specific social media sites have had on children. I suggest you make mention of these based on an age group bracket so further highlight how social media controls and harms the children. Your information is too vague and generalized in presentation. The overall research will carry more weight if you can name names and highlight the degree of effect these social media platforms have on children. If possible use a chart or some sort of image graph to further illustrate (if allowed by your research presentation / format).

In the end, I think your research should also be able to respond to the question, "Why does social media want to control children?" in order to truly explain the harmful effects. I believe that such a reference would drive your point home in a more authoritative and clear manner to the reader.

Writing Feedback / Are the professional athletes ideal for the young people to follow? [2]

The essay has a point. However, the presentation is difficult for an English native speaker to understand. The words being used are oftentimes confusing to read as you seem to be over extending the sentences and paragraphs. Your lack of proper English word usage, which directly affect the scoring aspects, are lowered because of the confusing thought presentations.

This essay will definitely get a failing mark overall. You have to learn how to think in English and write in English. You cannot think in Vietnamese then translate it in your thoughts, word for word into English. It is because of this manner of thinking-writing that your essay suffers in terms of clarity and proper word usage. You should spend about an hour everyday practicing thinking and writing in English. Do not use any prompts. Just write in general.

For example, you can watch a Netflix movie in Vietnamese, without the subtitles in English. Translate the dialogue on your own, this is the thinking-writing in English part of the exercise. Then, watch the same movie, this time with subtitles on. Compare how close your translations are to the professional sub-titles. This will help you learn how to properly think and write in English. You can see your errors in translation and learn from it.

I can see your potential to write properly in English. That is because you understood the prompt and discussion requirements better than the other students here. However, you still made a mistake in the discussion presentation as this is a single opinion essay, which you discussed as a comparative essay. That is not the main problem at this point. You can forget those errors until you learn to seamlessly think in English and write in English. That is the priority for now. The clarity of your writing is the most important thing at the moment.

Graduate / How to prepare a good profile for acceptance at ETH Zurich? [2]

Are you applying for a masters program admission? That is the program that begins its application in November. I do not have enough information from you that can help me direct you towards a proper application but I will try to respond to the questions that you have provided.


Download the application packet from the website. It contains all of the information that will be required of your application including the contents or inclusive information for your CV.


Again, download the application packet. Decide what you want to study as a masters student ( assuming that is the program you want to enter into) then look up all of the requirements on the website and within the application packet.


Yes, you have enough time to apply provided that you can get all of the required documents and materials together by late September. Do not wait for the last minute rush, you might miss the deadline.



The real question is, does your university meet the educational requirements of ETH-Zurich? There is an educational standard and qualification for the university that you are coming from. Your national and university standard tests must also meet certain requirements in order for your results to qualify. It must have equivalent credentials to that of a Swiss degree. If the university you come from does not meet these qualifications, if your education does not meet Zurich standards, then there is a high likelihood that you will not qualify for the scholarship.

Writing Feedback / Camping is the ideal way of spending a holiday. [2]

The reason why you are going over the maximum word count is because you are writing the essay in an IELTS or TOEFL format. That means you are analyzing the topic when what you should be doing, is a discussion of the topic provided. If the question is :

What do you think is an ideal way of spending a holiday?

The direct response should be:

I think that the ideal way of spending a holiday is by going camping. That is because I have fun spending time in nature settings.

Then go on to explain what activities you enjoy doing when you are camping. You can explain that you enjoy cooking by using firewood, you like pitching tents to sleep in, and you like fishing in lakes, or other similar explanations.

The B1 test has to prove that you are fluent enough to carry on simple English conversations. Based on what I have read, you do not have the simple fluency ability nailed down at this point. You do not sound fluent yet. I am sure you will get there. Just keep practicing. Focus on writing short instead of long responses, in conversation, rather than analytical opinion form.

Writing Feedback / Spoken communication is more powerful than written communication? [2]

I am not sure what kind of advice I can give you. That is because you are not giving helpful comments to other students at this forum. You have repeatedly been told that sentence rewriting is not giving useful advice to students. Telling them how you would write an essay or sentence is not useful to them. Neither is asking them questions when you do not understand something. Since that is the type of advice I believe you want, I am sorry but I cannot help you. We do not consider rewriting essays/ paragraphs/ sentences real advice at this forum because students write in an individually unique manner and should not be told how to write just because you think you can write it better. It is obvious that is the kind of advice that you want from me and the other users here. Since you cannot provide helpful advice, I cannot reciprocate in your essay posts.

Scholarship / I've always been interested in urban planning, that's why I'm pursuing master degree in this field [2]

There are 2 things that your essay fails to address in relation to your chosen course. The first is how your educational background and profession lends itself to these advanced studies. The second, is a secondary masters course and university to help the reviewers assess your worthiness as a masters student on a scholarship.

It is important for you to explain your background in relation to Urban Planning and Fire Management to help the reviewer get a better understanding as to the importance of your course choice to your profession. Regardless of the problem that exists in Indonesia regarding fire hazards at the moment, if you do not justify your professional goals and educational foundation, the reviewer will be lost as to the relevance of these advanced studies to your career goals.

The second university is a required presentation. Actually, you could choose 2 universities and 2 courses or 1 university and 2 courses. That is because the reviewer will assess your academic and professional qualifications against the requirements and pre-requisites of the course/s you have chosen. Whichever you fall under best is usually the one that is approved for you, provided that your overall qualifications pass consideration.

These are the gaps in your presentation that will require you to write a new essay, rather than a revised essay. It will be best for your discussion presentation if you do not have to try to fit in the extra information into the 2000 character essay that you have written. It will be easier for you to stick to the character count once you write a new essay that covers the extra information required.

Writing Feedback / Some people believe that unpaid community service should be a compulsory part of high school program [3]


Why? What is the basis of this opinion? Complete your thesis statement by indicating your major discussion points for further development in the succeeding paragraphs. The indication of your supporting ideas lends to the higher TA score as it will help determine the clarity of your opinion based on your understanding of the topic.


Some people will deny this. Do not make claims that can be countered by a separate argument. In fact, you do not need to claim the validity of any discussion in the presentation since nobody is asking for that. The topic for discussion does not require this statement and should not be included in the discussion. It is better not to make exaggerated claims that could affect the original discussion presentation's accuracy.

You could have done more with the concluding summary. Make sure to always summarize the full discussion based on topic, reasons, and repeat of your opinion, within 40 words or 2 sentences to help increase the accuracy of your English comprehension skills and your ability to restate a discussion based on short presentation formats. Your TA score will be thankful for it.

Writing Feedback / Is it true that hard work and determination bring success in jobs? [2]

The original prompt requests that you discuss the topic based on a 3 paragraph format. It clearly states: Discuss both views then give your opinion. Such an instructions requires a compare and contrast discussion presentation for the first 2 paragraphs based on the public opinions provided in the prompt, not your personal opinion yet. Only after the comparative discussion can you state a personal opinion that supports or argues against one of the given public opinions. This cannot be presented as a general discussion or solely personal opinion format.

You should also avoid presenting your personal opinion in the concluding paragraph. Not only is that the wrong position for your personal opinion, but your personal opinion comes across as the least developed opinion in the presentation, thus garnering the lowest possible consideration (if at all due to the improper placement of the sentiment), and lowering your score in the process.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 - Topic: Environmental problems & loss of species of animals and plants [2]

Your essay comes across as a solely general opinion presentation. You are not using the correct format for the discussion based on the discussion elements presented:

- Some people say ...
- Others say that ...
- Discuss your personal opinion

Due to the incorrect outline of your paper, you failed to use the correct GRA format for your discussion. It must contain references to "some people" and "others" prior to the "I" discussion in the presentation. You gave a general discussion that does not separate the discussion points based on public opinion as required by the prompt presentation. Properly formatting your discussion, based on the outline given in the original prompt will help improve your score. The differentiation of opinion discussions is a must as these are presented separately in the original prompt and not as a general discussion reference.

* Limited review provided due to specific review instructions. Contact us privately at essayforum.com@gmail.com for specific review requirements.

Undergraduate / Study plan for Canadian Study permit in Bachelors of Business Management [2]

You do not need to go overboard with information about your current university and other academic history in the study plan. It should actually focus on the studies that you will be attending in Canada and how you plan to apply these information to the workplace when you go home to Pakistan. You should keep the explanation about why you ended up becoming a Pakistani studying in the Philippines, but try not to downgrade the university you are attending so much. Simply imply that their educational system will not be hugely applicable to the field in Pakistan so you are looking for another international educational opportunity that will be closer to Pakistani needs in the area.

Delve more on your ambition as a professional that you hope to attain upon your return to Pakistan. Imply that you are studying an undergraduate course that you know will make you employable in Pakistan. Use the background of your parents, and their worth, in Canadian Dollars, as the reason why they should trust you will not overstay your welcome in Canada.

Use a clear motivation to go home to Pakistan in the letter. Focus on a clear and applicable purpose for your studies in the letter as well. The draft carries references to these mentions however, you are not really developing these important points. You are too focused on your academic history, when the focus should be on proving your worth as a potential student in Canada and how your training there will make you employable in Pakistan.

Writing Feedback / Should TV channels give equal time for women's sport and men's sport? [3]


This does not qualify as a targeted, direct response to the question "Why is this the case?" The "Why" part that you have to respond to helps / supports your opinion by allowing you to present your thesis statement. This thesis statement that tells the examiner why you believe something assists in portraying a clear opinion and, introducing the topics for upcoming discussion. Simply saying you will outline your reasons in the paragraphs does not meet the clarity requirement for the direct response questions.

You have only 40 minutes to write this essay. Based on the quality requirements for the scoring presentation, it will appear that you should not be spending all that time writing 359 words. You should be focused on presenting simple, clear and focused discussions. Not overly long presentations that take too long to get to the point. It is a must that you allot the last 10 minutes of the task for proof reading and editing. Otherwise, you are risking leaving your errors in the essay, and intentionally lowering your scores within the individual grading considerations.

Do not present conflicting discussion paragraphs. This is a single opinion essay. So the focus has to be on your opinion as presented in the thesis statement. You are not asked to compare both sides, just one, the one you believe in. Do not confuse the discussion because the examiner will only score you on the parts of the presentation that support the original opinion. That normally results in a less than minimum word count presentation in most essays.

When the irrelevant paragraph is removed, you end up with 232 words out of 250 in this presentation. The word deductions applied to the essay will more than likely contribute to a failing score when all the errors and deductions are added up.

Essays / SOP guidance for UGRAD program [3]

The Global UGrad program requires their applicants to be able to prove their worthiness of the semester abroad by proving their ability to be a local leader. A local leader is a youth leader who has experience in helping his local community or town, even a specific group of people through his leadership actions and community improvement skills. By providing proof of this information, the scholarship committee will be able to determine if you embody the characteristics they are looking for in their potential students. More importantly, you need to be able to explain how, as a member of the program, you will be able to help improve international relations, albeit in a small but significant scale between the USA and the participating countries. Write a draft based on this explanation. Read the prompt requirements for the essay, then create a draft essay. Post is here when you are done, as a new thread, so that I can review it and guide you in developing a better version.

Writing Feedback / Write a news: A Poor Old Man returned 1 Billion VND [2]


The farmer is from the commune, where did he find the bag? What were the circumstances when he found it? The backstory needs to be complete.


What did he have to do to find the police? Where were the police stationed? Who attended to him when he arrived? What did he tell them as additional information? Was he suspected of stealing the bag then wanting to return it?


Mention the time.



You need to mention names and additional information to help show the clean intent of the farmer and by comparison, the worry of the money owner.


Seems like too much of a stretch, this is only local, not national news. I doubt the country's president can be bothered by such simple information in terms of making announcements about it.

I am not sure what sort of help you really need with this paper because you did not supply enough instructions for me to be able to help you. These are the basic changes you can make to the presentation, based on my observations.

Writing Feedback / Topic: Gender-specific job - IELTS Writting Task 2 [3]

Kindly remember that you have 40 minutes to complete this discussion with as little errors as possible. You have written more than 300 words, without proof-reading and editing the essay for clarity. These errors will pull down your final score due to the inability of your essay to clearly represent your thoughts and opinion in certain instances.

For starters, you are to restate the prompt topic without adding information or stating the topic as a fact in your representation. Since you are not asked of the opinion provided in the statement is true or false, there is no need to say something is undeniable. You just have to say that it is a common opinion. There is a difference between stating a common opinion and stating something as fact. The former is required in the presentation and the latter, is going to lower your TA score since that is not information included in the original presentation.

Learn the when to use "an" and "a" in the presentation. If the word succeeding it starts with a vowel, then use "an". If it is a consonant, use "a" (e.g. It would be A disadvantageous change...)

Scholarship / Civil Engineering focused on Geotechnics - AAS Supporting statement [2]

The national program and your desired contribution are not well connected in the second paragraph. It would be better if you mention your intention first, then explain why you intend to do that, based on the government program. That should make the connection, intention, and importance of your chosen courses more evident / clearer to the reviewer.

Separate the course and university discussion. You have to individualize the discussion to show specific professional requirements on your part that will benefit from the chosen course and university. For example, you mention something about earthquake hazards in relation to your first course. However, there was no mention of that in your previous paragraphs. That is why you have to further expand that discussion with its own paragraph presentation. Each course must be highlighted as a potential career growth path for yourself due to its application to the current road development projects in Indonesia and your current career duties and responsibilities.

Writing Feedback / The best way to learn is by following the examples set by others. Do you agree or disgree. [3]

Was this written for the Task 2 IELTS essay or TOEFL test? You have to indicate which test you are writing for next time because the rules for reviewing your essay will vary depending on the type of test you plan to take. If this is just for general English writing practice, then say so as well so that the general review guidelines can be applied to your work. As of now, I will consider this a general essay and advise accordingly. If I use one of the 2 standard English test to review this, the word count and errors will be heavily considered as part of the review.


This is the result of an action. So what is the subject of the sentence? There is an error in the structure of the sentence which should have been:

We will not learn anything if we do not take a risk and go through it ourselves.

I can see that you have an understanding of the given prompt. The problem, is that your grasp of the meaning of certain English words tends to be incorrect. It appears that you do have a vast English word chest, but you do not really understand the meaning of the word or how to use it in a sentence. Unfortunately, I am not allowed to rewrite your whole essay, which is what I am tempted to do to show you and correct your mistakes. (*Note: Students cannot rewrite the essay as advice, that will result in account suspension) So focus on learning word meaning first. That means getting a dictionary and reading the meaning of a word before you use it in the essay. You are practicing, you have time to do that. It will help you improve your vocabulary usage and sentence structure.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL : You will not learn much about life if you are always comfortable. [4]

Kindly remember that there are certain writing rules that are a hard rule for the English language, regardless of whether it is UK or USA English. One of the hard rules is that all sentences must begin with a capital letter, something that forgot about while writing your essay. This is a serious error that will have a direct effect on the way your writing is scored. Be careful next time. Familiarize yourself with the basic writing rules of English and make sure to follow these with every essay that you write.

While you did write quite a long essay, I am afraid that your errors in presentation are not going to help your score. There are sentence structure and word usage problems that show how you were concentrated only on writing in English. You did not care to make sure that you used the words properly to help deliver the meaning of your sentence / paragraph. I am not impressed by this type of writing and neither will this impress the examiner. Work on the grammar rules and vocabulary. Make sure the words are used in the correct manner to deliver clarity to your sentence. You can write the minimum number of words and get a better score than what you would have gotten with this type of presentation in an actual test. There is the right time and place to use idioms in your writing. An essay full of idioms is not one of those places.

Scholarship / AAS - Political Science - How will the proposed study contribute to your career? [2]

Your essay is way over the standard character maximum of 2000 characters. You need to edit your content into the proper character count. The only actual part of this essay that works with regards to the goal of study is the last paragraph. The part that goes:


This is the portion that explains the goal of your study in relation to your future career. The middle portion is not relevant because you speak of research you will be doing on the job, not in relation to what you will be learning or how the studies will help you achieve a career goal. You can use the first and last paragraphs to respond to the prompt directly. Build the second paragraph in relation to your career goals and professional objectives as a part of the goal of study presentation and relevance to your future career presentation.

Letters / Letter - Restaurant birthday apology [2]

You are 4 words under the minimum word count. You did not meet the minimum word presentation requirement so expect to have a percentage of deductions due to this error. It will be the starting score for your essay. From this point on, all other errors will be added to this section, which will then determine the final score of your essay. There are several word usage errors in this presentation which made the error difficult to understand. The GRA error also shows a lack of proper vocabulary usage and understanding on your part, which will result in additional deductions to your LR score. I am afraid you will not get a passing score with this essay. Let me show you a few of these errors below:


-My friend an I chose


- celebrate the birthday of...


- your waiter

These are just some of the immediately visible errors in your essay. There are also GRA / sentence structure errors that further show a lack of proper English grammar usage in the letter. This is not an essay that would allow you get a passing mark in the test.

Grammar, Usage / How to use the word 'fade away' in a sentence? [3]

The word "fade" lends itself to present form usage. That means you can say:

Our memories fade away
His memory is fading
Colors fade in due time
Her voice faded out as she spoke

"Fade" and all its variations are better used in a continuing action presentation. However, you can still use the word fade to describe abstract situations and objects in past tense:

He faded into oblivion
The flowers faded into the background
The building signage is faded

The word, in past tense represents the completion of a disappearance since fade, by definition, refers to several instances:
- to lose brightness or vividness of color.
- to lose freshness, vigor, strength, or health:

The above dictionary definitions are but a few ways of using the word "fade" and its variations in a sentence. The way the word is used will actually depend upon the context the writer wishes to represent.

Writing Feedback / The main environmental problem of our time is the loss of particular species [2]


Incorrect sentence structure. A comma, rather than a period is required in this presentation as the current prior sentence lends itself, based on its structure, to additional information being presented due to the presence of the word "While" which refers to a period of interval or time between thoughts.

The structure requires a general reference to other points of view due to the reference to "some people" and "others". Therefore, there needs to be 2 third person pronoun paragraph references prior to a full first person pronoun reference discussion. This shows the comparative format (for the first 2 points of view) and the personal opinion (third paragraph). You need to expand the discussion of your personal opinion as it should either support one of the two given statements or, result in a totally different discussion. That is why you cannot present your personal opinion as a single sentence in the concluding summary.

While you will still get a score for this presentation, it will not be as high as it could have been, had you used the proper format for the discussion presentation.

Writing Feedback / I agree with the statement that it's more important to set the realistic goals than ambitious goals [3]

You do not really need to count out your discussion paragraphs. An academic opinion paper uses topic sentences rather than ordinal numbers for the presentation. That is because your discussion paragraphs need to be connected through transition sentences, or a sentence that will connect one topic to another in the next paragraph. Thus showing a clear academic discussion ability that is required of college students in UK and US schools. Topic sentences better support your presentations rather than word fillers and place holders such as ordinals.

The TOEFL test does not require a concluding paragraph in its presentation. The use of phrases such as "In conclusion" is less effective in this test. Rather, a clear discussion wrap, without making it obvious that it is a conclusion, would be better appreciated. Rather than saying "In conclusion", it would be better to simply use a concluding topic sentence or phrase. For example you could have said "All things considered..." or "As one considers these discussion points..."

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: We should not allow children to play games. Below reasons and examples [3]

There are different rules for writing the TOEFL test that vary from the IELTS format. Though the two tests may share prompt questions, that does not mean that they need to use the same discussion format. The difference is that the IELTS test requires a thesis statement presentation or, as in this case, a presentation of the discussion instructions. The TOEFL test, requires a direct opinion discussion in the first paragraph. You don't even have to restate the prompt at this point, just make sure to discuss the topic with clarity and conviction. Your presentation follows the IELTS format rather than the TOEFL format. Keep the difference in mind next time you do a practice essay.

In the reasoning explanation, you said your cousin does not live in reality anymore, you have to follow that up with an explanation. Why did you say that? How does it relate to the video games argument? Since that is a totally stand alone presentation, it is best to discuss it in another paragraph. That way you can always use explanations to the hilt, making sure your opinion is clearly explained and represented with supporting facts.

Your writing is acceptable and shows a clear understanding of the given prompt. It has good supporting statements, but these could still use some work due to the lack of explanation for one reference point that you presented.

Writing Feedback / The widely held opinion is that some governments are investing too much money in the arts [2]

Your response to the prompt question is incorrect. As you can see below:

OQ: To what extent do you agree with this view?
Response: Those who think that the funding of the arts fields could be used for other purposes are greatly mistaken.

The question is in relation to your agreement or disagreement with the given opinion (I strongly agree, partially agree, greatly disagree, totally disagree). It not related to the issue of whether the opinion is correct or incorrect. As such, the essay clearly shows that you misunderstood the prompt for the discussion and as such, strayed from the given discussion instruction. So, your response format is now incorrect, thus ensuring that your TA score will start under a failing score. Once the TA score is failing, it is near impossible to reverse the failing score trend in the essay. This singular error could result in a totally failed overall score due to other errors present in your written presentation.

Scholarship / Political science - [AAS] Why did you choose your proposed course and institution? [5]

You are too focused on a single course and school within the ANU system. The requirement for this application indicates a 2 course and university choice. So your essay does not meet the requirements for the application. You need to revise the essay after you have completed your research of universities that might have masters course offerings in line with your professional goals or academic needs. As of now, the essay is wordy and informative, but falls short of the application requirement of 2 universities. You should do your best to meet the minimum standards first, then come back here and have your essay reviewed again. At that time, I should be able to better review your essay in relation to application considerations. Right now, you are limiting your application consideration due to the single university and course consideration that you have presented.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: It is more important to set realistic goal than ambitious goals. [4]

Your essay would have been clearer to the reader, with a clearer reference to the original prompt if, within your response, you were able to integrate your current final sentence in this presentation. A clear and straightforward offering of your opinion would have clearly set the tone for the succeeding discussion and kept it more on track. You of course, would need to have done that within a properly reworded paragraph. Launching into you own definition of goals, you actually strayed from the 2 types of goals that were originally presented. This created a rambling statement that did not really connect with the original prompt. Although a prompt restatement is not required in a TOEFL test, staying on topic, based on provided discussion points, is still a requirement.

Most of your paragraphs are long and have a point, for the most part. There is a problem with your opinion presentation because you lack clearly supported explanations via valid examples. As is a common problem among students taking these English tests, there is a tendency for you to simply keep giving reasons, but not really building up those reasons with believable explanations. The score for the TOEFL test is based on the clarity and connection of your discussions. There are points within your presentations when the clarity is obscured by the lack of explanation due to your desire to present reasons, rather than explanations in the essay. This essay presentation might still get a passing score in an actual setting, however, it will be a mere passing score. That means that it passed only by very little consideration, which, will affect the types of schools that you would be able to apply to. The lower the score you get, the lesser known schools you can apply to. Focus on reasoning and discussion, rather than reasoning topics alone in your practice tests.

Scholarship / Why am I applying for Master of Data Science? Proposed course and institution (AAS Essay) [2]

Good job! Well developed, insightful, and forward projecting. It shows that you have given a great thought to your course choice and, quite specifically, how the university training programs will prove to be beneficial to you as a person seeking additional theoretical and technical training. The way you present the information is good. However, you may want to clarify what sort of technician you are and what instruments you specifically maintain to prove that you also make a contribution to the prediction phase. If you can expand your presentation regarding the relevance of your study to your current position, then it will be easier for you to discuss your future career goals in later essays.

Book Reports / What ideas are developed in To Kill a Mockingbird about the significance of individuals perspective [2]

It is heavily redundant. You need to define the significance of perspective from the start based on:
-Your personal definition
- The dictionary definition
- Characters definition ( several, not just one character)

It is too short because you do not provide a thesis statement in the opening paragraph. What will your focus be in the essay? Whose perspectives will you compare? Why do you think these should be the comparison partners? There are several ways you can go with this essay. The problem, is that you do not have a clear thesis topic at this point. If you use the outline I provided, along with the questions I posed, you should be able to develop a longer, more relevant introduction / thesis statement.

Scholarship / Entrepreneurship and Innovation - [AAS] Why did you choose your proposed course? [3]

Not a bad response. It is straightforward, does not exaggerate, and keeps the focus on how the courses you have chosen will apply to your skills development. I believe this is one of the better written purpose essays that I have read here. The presentation itself lends an insight into how the skills you will develop relate to the plans that you have. It is clear enough to the reviewer. Just remember not to repeat the information when you write the future goals essay. From the looks of it, you still have more plans to discuss that you did not include here. Which will be a good thing going forward. I look forward to reading your other application response presentations. You can use this presentation as is.

Scholarship / World Food Programme - FULBRIGHT STUDY OBJECTIVES [3]

Expand on the government food program discussion at the start. Remember that your background is different from the masters you wish to take. So you need to portray how this program influenced your decision to change your career focus. It is important to also, indicate some sort of relationship between your past studies or career focus and the present.


This seems to relate to the government program, you may want to further expand on this discussion not only by explaining how the food is imported, but how your training will actually help you address this problem. It would help if you an idea in mind about how you will go about this and discuss it in relation to this statement.

Overall, the essay has significant points presented. However, there is still room for improvement to create a more interesting presentation of the overall information requirements. You can start with the government program and revise the rest of the essay in relation to the program discussion.

Letters / Apology letter to neighbour [2]

This task requires a minimum if 150 words. You wrote only 134 words. This essay will get an automatic failing score because of the lack of words and the errors in LR / word usage, GRA, and coherence of the presentation. Tense usage is a clear problem as you merely say "In the morning" without referring to the actual day (Past or present). Then you indicated at first that you live in a building, but then say house, ending with an apartment. A building residence is an apartment, condo, tenement, or living space. A house is a stand alone structure that stands on land area. There is a difference in description and thus, incorrect word usage. These reasons alone are enough to prevent you from getting a failing score. You need to work on your word usage and vocabulary. Specifically, synonym usage to help you refer to the same word in different forms.

Scholarship / PhD in Engineering (AAS Supporting Statement) [3]

You fail to depict your current work position in relation to your chosen courses. The tone of the essay makes it seem like you are a hobbyist rather than a professional involved in an important field. It sounds too amateur and does not carry a formal tone in the presentation nor information that would show the seriousness of your application. You also failed to identify specific courses at each university that you are interested in pursuing. You have to explain what the courses are and how these connect with your academic and professional needs. Be specific by discussing it per course at each university, not a collective reference. That style of presentation is forgetful, confusing, and lacking in substance as far as the reviewers are concerned.

Research Papers / Analyzing Nurse Burnout. Who it effects? Reasons for it. Ways it Can Be Prevented [3]


Maybe, instead of just focusing on their departments, you can include their years of service, hours on the job per shift, allowed time off, and other factors in the survey? These also contribute to the burn out factor as far as I know.


Why? What is the ideal number then? Who proposed this ideal number?


Why are the laws rejected? Who proposes the laws? Give examples of the laws that were rejected and who supported it with reasons for doing so.

* Limited review due to length of the presentation. You may contact us privately at essayforum.com@gmail.com for a more extensive peer review.

Writing Feedback / Living in a media-rich society. Essay about the influence of the media on our lives. [3]

While other tutors advocate for the simple restatement of the discussion instructions in the prompt restatement, I have personally found, and my students who have passed their IELTS tests can attest to this, that it is always better to present a thesis statement, covering the discussion instructions instead. This is because the thesis statement shows how well the writer understood the prompt instructions, and offers an insight into what sort of discussion topics the writer will be using. Both of which are foundations for academic writing in UK and US colleges and universities. It shows how familiar a student is with the academic requirements of English speaking tertiary educational institutions. Your prompt restatement does not follow this format so it only shows the examiner that you can restate the prompt, but not really offer an early analysis and discussion of the topic, without going into details. This just proves that you are a good mimic, nothing more. It is the thesis statement that always boosts the score overall.

Undergraduate / Essay on your dreams and how u plan on achieving them and future plans (KAIST Application UG) [3]

You cannot imply that something is always on your mind, but then also, that you think about it once in a while. That is a conflicting statement. Either you are constantly engaged in these thoughts or, you sporadically think about it. There is no real professional ambition indicated in this essay, just a dream of studying abroad to be different from everyone else. That is not going to help your application. It just sounds like you want to be different, but for no reason. Nothing related to career plans, learning goals, or even a desire to get a better education. Your essay is too simplistic in approach. It does not carry information that would make you stand out. It is a forgettable essay that does not offer any implication for your dreams and reasons for wishing to pursue it with the help of KAIST. You should delete this and try to come up with a more definitive and informative essay. A definitive essay has a clear purpose based on your dreams. An informative essay presents your ideas for achieving your purpose.

Scholarship / Master's degree in transportation - proposed course and institution [3]

When you discuss the proposed courses, you need to reference your undergraduate studies, training seminars, or other professional exposure that have a direct relation to your interest in the course. Having a professional goal in relation to the course is good, however, proving that you have a fundamental understanding or a strong undergraduate foundation in relation to the proposed courses will be of more help in this presentation. The undergraduate training, aligned with your current professional exposure that exposed you directly to the problems you wish to solve by gaining advanced academic training will make the reason for choosing the course and the university clearer to the reviewer. You are not offering any information regarding your preparations to take this course, based on academic needs, professional targets, or national interest. This makes the essay less informative than it should be.

Scholarship / Essay on Contribution of Proposed Study to Career Plan - AAS application for MBA Program [2]

You only gave a description of your career plan. There is no reference to how the learning at the university will help you achieve these plans. You have lost total focus on the important aspect of this discussion. That of how the studies apply to your future career plans. All I read was your career path, without a reference to how you will apply what you have learned, thus indicating the contribution of the studies to your career plan. Unless you can connect the importance of the courses and studies to your potential for career growth, then you have not responded to the prompt requirement. Needless to say, you have not accomplished that in this presentation. However, if this the presentation you want to submit, then go ahead and do so. I am offering unsolicited advice, you may do as you please with your essay.

Essays / Essay about University entrance exams [2]

This type of essay needs to be written from a personal point of view. Consider your opinion based on the relevance of the entrance exams to your chosen career. Do you see it as a hindrance or a good assessment tool for your possible success in your chosen profession? The guide questions are there to help provide you with specific discussion points for an essay that has a maximum of 5 paragraphs. You may use some personal considerations such as the ability of exams to prevent talented but intellectually challenged people from entering their considered profession. For example, you can also refer to how the teaching methods are all theoretical in presentation, the same as exams, when there are some people who excel in a specific field based on practical skills and on the job learning as opposed to theoretical explanations. It will all depend upon what kind of learner you perceive yourself to be. Once you understand how you learn (theoretical or practical), then you will be able to properly address the guide questions for the essay.

Research Papers / Revisions on my "Falconiforme Finesse" Research Essay [2]


Best at what? Being a bird of prey? Its majestic beauty when flying or perched on a tree branch? Best longevity? The question you pose is too vague. You need to be more specific. It won't hurt to spell out the information for the reader. It will help bring clarity to the research focus of your paper.


Explain why you decided to define the birds of prey as such. If you read this somewhere than explain why it was referenced as such. It does not really create a connection with the question you presented after this description so it may cause a disconnection in the presentation.

For your thesis statement, discuss what made you interested in seeking a response to this question. Why do you believe that this topic is an important discussion? What effect does the result of your research potentially have going forward? How do you see your research affecting the image of these birds within the context of your clarified question?

* Limited free review due to extensive revision review requirements. Contact us privately.