Letters / Motivation letter - Master's programme in International Business & Consulting [5]

Hi Yunus, my feedback below is my contribution towards your essay. I hope you find it helpful.

1st paragraph:
- I successfully completed my first universitybachelor / undergraduate degree in Economics.. (when you mention first, there should be second, third, and so on)
- I extended my knowknowledgeon how... (did you mean I extended my knowledge or understanding?)
- By composing a bachelor ........................... Renault and Nissan.(too long sentence often leads to inaccuracies, ambiguity, and unclear meaning. try to revise this one)

2nd paragraph:
- Furthermore, I completed a work placement in a non-profitorganisation (at the day care centercentre ___ company) (if you have decided to use one type of English (British English), try to be consistent in what you are writing)

- Even though my main responsibilities includedmostly related to administrative tasks, but I also supported the team...
- AdditionallyMoreover , I posseshave acquiredthe C1 language level in English from IELTS/TOEFL test, which categorized in the level groupas "Proficient User", allowing me to communicate easily with... (I switched the use of 'additionally', it seems repetitive from your previous paragraph)

My suggestion for the last paragraph:
- In conclusion, I am confident that my academic ..................my motivational skills and high commitment.(Making a complex sentence is not necessarily to be that long and complicated. 2 or 3 clauses for each will be adequately informative to the reader.)

Cheers
:)

Letters / Motivation letter - Student Exchange Chemical Engineering [3]

Bonar, apart from grammatical corrections that has been given by Robin, let me help you with your introduction paragraph since that is the most essential part to attract or impress the readers. First, I think that "introducing yourself" is not necessary because you have already mentioned your complete identity in separated parts of the application form. Second, you need to pay attention to the minimum words limit (if it is available). It is usually a strict rule, if you violate the rule, your application will not be considered as a valid application.

Furthermore, instead closing a letter that sounds like a speech "That is all from me. Thank you for your consideration." You can change it into "For the sake of my professional development in the future, I would be grateful if my application can be successfully admitted by the selection committee of ...... scholarship. Thank you in advance."

Overall, your essay is understandable and very informative. Good luck for your application.

Cheers :)

Writing Feedback / Computers are increasingly used in education, in which area computers more important [2]

Wahyu, it is nice to see you again after a long absence. :) I think your flow of ideas are getting better, and the organization is also improved. However, there are still some parts that you can improve, especially in perfecting your essay grammatically and altering your language stylistically. Let me show you some of them:

1st paragraph
- Nowadays, ...including education.These days, cutting-edge technologies exert profound influence in many aspects of human life, especially education.
- ...are massively used to support some activities. (avoid unclear message, how about 'to support teaching and learning process')
- ...the sector where teachers have better abilities thenthan computers.

2nd paragraph
- ...students' learning process to increasingincrease students' achievement...
- ...moving pictures and good sound effects... (if it wasn't a new idea or further explanation, it is not necessary to use comma)
- ...explanation of teachersteachers' explanation ...

As you can see wahyu, that's my contribution towards your essay. Kudos to you for your improvement in writing. Good luck for the next practice :)

Writing Feedback / Task 1: The proportion of goods exports in EU countries [2]

Maya, it is nice to see your writing again after a long absence. The descriptions below are my contribution towards your essay. I hope you can follow through.

1st paragraph
- ...their commodities to Brazil and Russia duringfrom 2010 to 2011...
- Overall, it can be seen that, (comma is necessary) Germany held the highest export rate tofor both of the countries.

2nd paragraph
- ... goods to Brazil at slightly above one in ten. Even thoughHowever/In contrast/On the contrary , this situation did not occur in Russia.

3rd paragraph
- Less change was seen to Netherlands, Finland, Spain, Belgium, Sweden, Austria and UK which had minor proportion at less than 10% exports to both countries. (This can be considered as shop-listing. It is not recommended to keep doing this, you can avoid it by summarizing the information given, for example, 6 European countries / Scandinavian countries)

- HoweverNevertheless , the othermentioning EU countries placed the second...

As seen, even though I have given you some corrections, your words limit is still worrying. I think you can add more sentences or more information to your essay. You can aim for 165 - 190 words for an essay in Task 1 IELTS.

Cheers :)

Writing Feedback / Toefl: Being at concert or sport event is more enjoyable than watching the same event on television. [4]

Nahid, I notice that you have a difficulty in composing a strong and clear introduction. Let me help you in recreating your introduction paragraph. An introduction paragraph for an agree-disagree essay should consist of the followings:

Paraphrase question:
- It is argued that visiting a live show is more entertaining than watching it on television.

Thesis statement:
- Thus, I firmly disagree that attending a live concert or sport event is more preferable.

Outline thesis statement:
- Firstly, this essay will discuss the fact that watching on television convey a more detailed experience and secondly, discuss about the possibility of saving time and money, followed by a reasoned conclusion.

Complete introduction:
It is argued that visiting a live show is more entertaining than watching it on television. Thus, I firmly disagree that attending a live concert or sport event is more preferable. Firstly, this essay will discuss the fact that watching on television convey a more detailed experience and secondly, discuss about the possibility of saving time and money, followed by a reasoned conclusion.

Undergraduate / My service - critique my Peace Corps Motivational Statement? [5]

Vince, welcome to the team! :) I would like to convey my insights towards your essay in the descriptions below. Please take a look.

1st paragraph
- Most recently, (comma is necessary) I have been volunteering on organic...
- ...agriculture is the key to providingprovide economic prosperity...
- Additionally, during my travels ofto Asia and the South Pacific I have witnessed...

2nd paragraph
- During my twenty-one months traveling through Asia, Australia, and New Zealand I have had limited access... (this is a past experience right?)
- I'veI have had missed weddings, births, and deaths. (avoid using contraction(s) if you want to make a formal essay or letter. However, this is also a past situation right?)

- I'vehad lived extremely primitively for... (another contraction problem, and past perfect tense needed)
- I am physically fit and active, and I have no medical conditions preventing me to serve.

3rd paragraph
- ...grown professionally, matured personally, and gained valuable skills and knowledgeknowledgeably.(it might be better if like this since it was a parallel sentence)
- Thus, I am practically ready to be a Peace Corps Volunteer.
- I sincerely hope that my passion and motivation for service and the global environment is evident in these words, and that I can utilize my permaculture experience and engineering mind to make a difference in Madagascar, Zambia, or Nepal, but I am flexible to meet the needs of the Peace Corps. (the last sentence was too long and complex, somehow it leads to ambiguity or unclear. let me try to paraphrase it)

I do sincerely hope that my passion and motivation in servicing the global environment is completely obvious. Therefore, I can utilize my permaculture experience and engineering mind to make a difference in Madagascar, Zambia, or Nepal. However, I am also flexible to meet the needs of Peace Corps for the sake of my professional development.

As you can see that some modifications and suggestions have been delivered by me. I hope it was clear enough and understandable. Good luck in revising this essay later on :)

Writing Feedback / Essay About the Benefits of the Autonomous Cars- Help Proofread [2]

Kyle, welcome to EssayForum :) It is really nice to see a new member in this forum. You can also advertise/promote your essay in your social media or perhaps by commenting other threads in this forum (there will be a link to your essay below your comment automatically). However, I would like to share my insights regarding the first three paragraph of your essay. You can see the detailed descriptions below:

1st paragraph
- AndMoreover, the problems of traffic jams, car accidents, and environmental pollution naturally come by. (using "for, and, yet, but, or, so" makes your essay looks less formal)

2nd paragraph
- ...improve human beings' life in the near future...
- people have invented autonomous car which is going to change our daily life dramatically. (previously you were using 'present perfect tense', but why the result is 'future tense'? I am not sure about this, why don't just write 'which changes'? )

- ...steer itself automatically and unmistakably. (I am not really sure about this, is it really unmistakably? zero accident so far? for me, it seems overgeneralized. Of course there were some or few accidents when in trial processes)

3rd paragraph
- ...or using smartphone tobrowsingopen/browse Facebook...
- ...may lead to potential(potential is not the correct collocation for accident. You can use dreadful/horrific/major/nasty/serious/terrible/tragic/unfortunate) accidents.

As seen Kyle, your essay is actually well-written. It is understandable so far. The thing that you might need to improve is the accuracy of your grammar and the ideas that you've delivered. Make sure that the readers are not going to question your essay, which means your essay is already understandable. Good luck in reviewing the rest of your essay :)

Writing Feedback / Help proofread on a section of my Toefl essay "teachers should attend courses every 5 years." [8]

If it is necessary to compose 300 words minimum for each essay, why don't you upload the complete one? So that I can read it completely. Somehow, incomplete essay might lead to ambiguity and false perception. However, if you ask for the detailed descriptions, let me show you below:

- Primarily, taking courses regularly allows teachers to update their academic knowledge. (I assume that this is a topic sentence)
- Being teachers is special as their mission is to impart what's known in a certain field to students. (previously u've talked about 'taking courses regularly' then you give another idea by saying that 'being teacher is special'. I think you need to explain why/how can taking courses regularly can help teachers to update their academic knowledge)

- They serve as the first person students turn to when encountering anything puzzled. (another jumpy idea, it is better to give example first, rather than giving a new idea)

- In most cases they are capable of giving satisfactory answers with the help of their experience and knowledge base. (example)
- However, there are also some situations where they are challenged.
- Just as the saying goes, "what we know is not much, but what we know is immense." Everyday sees new discoveries and theories. (i am not really sure that this quote is necessary)

- Therefore, it is critical for teachers to keep up-to-date on new research, emerging technology tools for the classroom, new curriculum resources and the like. (perhaps the proper cohesive device is 'as a result'. 'Therefore' is usually in the last part)

- For example, with gravitational waves detected, there is no doubt it may cause great changes to Physics syllabus. (example)
- The instant success of Facebook definitely makes a good business case study. (if you rethink again, what is the correlation between Facebook success and taking course regularly? it was too far, even for an example. Just be careful, off-topic essay is also dangerous towards your final grade)

- Observations sent from Mars would cast light on astronomy. (it is also not suggested to end up a paragraph with a hanging example like this)

Hope this helps and looks clearer for you.

Cheers :)

Writing Feedback / Help proofread on a section of my Toefl essay "teachers should attend courses every 5 years." [8]

Natasha, welcome to the EF team! I hope you can gain fruitful feedback in order to improve your writing skill, especially in TOEFL writing. You are suggested to give your feedback towards other members' essays in this forum. By doing this (peer-corrections), you will also enhance your writing skill significantly.

Frankly, I am not an expert of TOEFL. I have never created any TOEFL essays yet. However, I hope my IELTS writing skill will be helpful to help you perfecting this essay. I am sorry to say that even just a short essay, the organization of ideas were still a bit messy and jumpy. I have a suggestion for you about what should you write in a (body/main) paragraph in agree-disagree essay.

- Topic sentence (the main idea about your stance/whether agree or disagree)
- Explanation of topic sentence (additional explanation why did you choose that idea)
- Example (example to support your ideas)
- Concession (limitation of your ideas)

As seen, 4 or 5 sentences in a paragraph would be enough in a body paragraph. Hope this helps :)

Writing Feedback / Agricultural sector has the largest consumption of water in 5 continents except North America [2]

Arian, from the context I can see that it might be an IELTS writing Task 1 essay. For the next practice, you have to write a proper title to your post in order to ease us (the reader) in checking / reading your essay. For example, you can write 'IELTS TASK 1: Agricultural sector in 5 continents except North America'. Moreover, you are also suggested to upload the image (chart) that you are going to explain. If you didn't put the image like what you've done today, we can't give you the most accurate feedback that we can have because we cannot correlate the information that you write with the information on the chart.

Furthermore, if it is true that this is an IELTS essay, you need to know that the minimum words limit for Task 1 is 150 words. This essay was only 138 words, and therefore you need to add more information to this essay. If you keep doing this in the next practice or even in the real test, you will not be able to reach a good score. Aside from grammatical corrections that has been delivered by Nahid, I think you need to focus on adding the number of sentences for each paragraph. Your second paragraph was only 1 sentence in a paragraph. Thus, you have to revise it. I hope I can see your improvements in the next practice. Good Luck :)

Essays / Essay on Heraclitus for a monographic course in History of Ancient Philosophy [3]

Alessia, welcome to EssayForum :) I notice that you've got useful link from one of EF members. You can consider it as a valuable source of information since that was a valid link for a source. I am no expert in History of Ancient Philosophy, but I know how to write an essay, and therefore I would like to share to you some do(s) and don't(s) in composing an essay.

Do(s)
- Make sure that you have reached the minimum words limit,
- Prompt or question(s) in an essay is essential, make sure you straight to the topic,
- Create an outline by brainstorming the ideas or arranging the source of information that you've got,
- Plan your essay in a good structure,
- Compose some variety of sentences that you are sure 100% correct.

Don't(s)
- Exceed the words limit (usually there is a penalty for that),
- Go off-topic, an off-topic discussion makes the reader confused,
- Write anything before making a well-structured plan,
- Force yourself to compose complex sentences if you haven't mastered it yet,
- Write a word that you don't know 100% about the meaning properly, it often leads to mistakes.

There you are Alessia, I hope you can follow through. That was my tips in writing an essay, which most of them based on my own experience in writing. However, I am waiting for the draft of the essay topic that you're going to write.

Cheers :)

Writing Feedback / Task 1 : The root causes of getting broken-heart [7]

You can click my profile to see my essays. I had composed 16 essays when I was practicing my IELTS in the last few months. You are very welcome :)

Writing Feedback / Essay about generation Y or millennials [3]

Aof, welcome to EssayForum :) It was indeed a well-written essay, the flow of ideas was understandable. Perhaps, some modifications that I have given to you in the below descriptions will be helpful.

- ...play anything they want on aan Xbox.
- By the end of 2015, (comma needed) Facebook had 1.581 billion...
- ...young folks (folks is preferable in speaking. Using it in writing will make your essay less formal) do use Facebook and in no small numbers

- ...there'shas been a tenfold increase of adults... (avoid using contraction(s), it also makes your essay less formal)
- 2005 iswas around the time when social media was...
- It'sis also interesting to note the... (another contraction issue)
- Social Media is an important media in connecting... (your adjective needs a noun)
- AndIn addition, social media is not... (for, but, and, or, so, are not suggested to be appeared in the beginning of the sentence. It makes your essay less formal)

There you are Aof, I hope my feedback will be fruitful towards your essay development. Good luck in revising the rest of the essay.

Cheers :)

Writing Feedback / Task 1 : The root causes of getting broken-heart [7]

Kholili, welcome to the EssayForum team! We are here to help you by giving sincere and meaningful feedback to improve your writing skills, especially in writing an essay. I hope you find this website is fruitful towards your development in writing. However, you are also suggested to convey your thoughts to other members' essays (peer-corrections) in this forum. Meaningful feedback means not only 1 or 2 sentences comment, but somehow it can be a paragraph or more than that.

With regards to your essay, I am not sure of the format nor of what kind of writing you are doing here. Is it an IELTS essay? or TOEFL essay? or perhaps scholarship essay? What is the point in discussing the causes of people getting broken-heart? are you doing a research or something?

Frankly, I am confused about your writing. Its really difficult to understand them. Therefore, I would like to try to simplify your essay by using my own version. Perhaps you can take mine as your consideration.

Nowadays, for the most part, .................................................... in and then getting relationship.

These days, teenagers and adults mostly have a tendency to be in a relationship with their couples. Most of them are under 18 years old and above. They are interested in looking for a partner and be involved in a relationship with them.

- Looking for girls/ boys and gettingBeing in a relationship with each other is one of the people's dreams-desire, especially for those who arestill teenagers and adults.

- There are manypossible reasons which makes them do that.are phrased by them.
- One of the reasons why they have to getwant to be in a relationship (relationship is not something that people want to get, it is something that people want to HAVE. The appropriate verbs for relationship are enjoy/have/develop/build/establish/foster/improve/maintain/handle,etc) is that they wish to be happy and they can undergo this life(another inappropriate collocation, LIFE is not something that you UNDERGO, it is something you live/spare/spend/risk/save,etc)

- They sometimes get broken in the middle. (in the middle of what? unclear)

Finally I can see that your whole essay suffered from collocation problems. You were forcing yourself to use advance or perhaps less common vocabularies but not in appropriate place(s), and therefore your writing became a mess. My suggestion is that PLEASE be careful in composing sentence(s). You need to make sure that your writing should not only grammatically correct, but also have to be correct in meaning. It is obvious that your first language interfere your writing, most of them do not sound like an English language. It is written in English, but sorry to say it sounds different to the reader. Keep writing to improve your skill. I am waiting for the new one, but please make the title and the prompt clearer than this one.

Cheers :)

Writing Feedback / Only governments and large companies can make a difference; Task 2 [2]

Lily, I can see that you have similar problems with your previous essay, and I would like to help you for that. First, clear position is really crucial and needed in an agree-disagree essay type. You need to mention it briefly and clearly since the beginning. Second, transition of ideas from the first body paragraph to the second body paragraph is also important. I share the same opinion with salam for this one, you can add furthermore/moreover/meanwhile to smoothly relate your ideas from the first body to the second body paragraph.

With regards to grammatical errors, you are suggested to avoid composing sentence-fragment, an incomplete sentence (missing subject or verb) like this "A simple instance from the local communities in Bali, Indonesia. (missing verb)" It might look simple, but it also becomes one of the 4 essential criteria of IELTS writing, and therefore you need to avoid that. Don't worry, it doesn't mean that your essay doesn't have any plus points. Your organization of paragraph was already well-organized, and you were able to address some parts of the task. Good luck for the next practice Lily

Cheers :)

Writing Feedback / Direct communication is better than indirect communication such as letters, emails, and phone calls [3]

Lily, I would like to try to help you by assessing your essay based on 4 scoring criteria that you have mentioned.

Task Response
- It is unfortunate that you didn't mention your position clearly in the introduction paragraph. If you keep doing as a habit, it will be dangerous towards your band score later on. You will not be able to attain band 6 if there is no relevant or clear position whether agree or disagree. It is suggested to mention it clearly whether you agree or disagree with the prompt given. Therefore, I think you cannot get more than 5 in this part.

Coherence and Cohesion
- Unfortunately your cohesive devices are somehow inaccurate. When you are using 'therefore' it is usually in the last part of the paragraph, it is unnecessary to add 'ultimately' after that. This will make it redundant, or somewhat inaccurate. In addition, when you mention 'initially' it is usually followed by a process. This also made the use of your cohesive devices are inaccurate. Sadly, you also cannot go further than 5 because of this.

Lexical Resource
- By mentioning 'communication' 18 times in this essay, the examiner will consider it as repetitive, and you didn't have adequate range of vocabulary to be graded properly. Actually you can shift the use of communication by using approach / connection / link. Therefore, the score for this part is somewhere between 5 and 6, perhaps 5.5 to be exact.

Grammatical range and accuracy
- As stated by justivy, your grammar was also problematical. You can do a regular practice to help you. Remember, accurate simple sentences are still better that inaccurate complex sentences. Just make sure that every sentence that you make is 100% correct to play safe. Thus, I think you cannot go beyond 5 in this part.

As you can see Lily, I have tried to assess your writing. Keep practicing and you will get better result in the real test. However, this is only a prediction, no hurt feelings :D I hope you can learn something by considering my feedback. Good luck for the next one :)

Writing Feedback / Teenagers know what is best for them [2]

Cara, welcome to the EssayForum team! I hope you can find our feedback is fruitful towards your development in writing. You are suggested to give your thoughtful feedback to other members in this forum in order to enhance your writing skill. I believe that you will get benefits from posting and editing someone's essay in EssayForum.

With regards to your essay, I would like to focus on the first paragraph only in order to boost the readers' impression towards your essay since the introduction is really crucial. Moreover, you need to know that when you are posting an essay, make sure you tell us what kind of essay it is. Is it IELTS? is it TOEFL? or is it a scholarship essay? or whatever essay that you're up to. Thus, we can give a proper feedback to your essay. However, you can see the detailed corrections towards your introduction paragraph below:

- It cannot be guaranteed that teenagers who have lots of confident will be good thinggood in doing many activities.at all the time.(remember, teenager is not a THING)

- SometimeSsmallestsmall decision could change their whole life. (there is no point in using superlative there)
- They alsoare more likely to make a decision absent thinkingwithout thinking about the consequentconsequence(s) that will arise after thatprobably occur.
- However, parents should give freedom to teenagers to go throughsolve/handle/take care of their own problems.

As seen, you still need more works to do. I hope you mind the feedback that I've given to you. Good luck in revising this essay :)

Writing Feedback / A comparison of people's sense towards crime and actual likelihood to be a victim - IELTS1 [4]

Meireza, aside from others' feedback, I would like to suggest you that instead of separating "A comparison of ..................... is shown in this bar graph for 2009 to 2010." and "Overall, more people fear ................................ crime type was car crime.". It is much better to combine it to prevent ambiguity, there is no paragraph which only consists of 1 sentence. Also, the accurate use of punctuation is crucial to the scoring criteria. This sentence suffers from punctuation problems "...a peak to 21 % in 2009 and 18 % in 2010.", it should be like this "...a peak toof 21% in 2009 and 18% in 2010." (there is no space needed in writing a percentage symbol) . Perhaps, it looks unimportant, but it becomes one of the band score criteria which covers 25% of your final grade.

I also share the same opinion with Akbar for spelling problems. It also becomes one of the scoring criteria which covers another 25% of your essay band score. You will not be able to reach band 6 or above if you still have spelling problems, even minor errors should be avoided. The point is that the more accurate your writing is, the higher score that you are going to achieve.

Cheers :)

Writing Feedback / Increased the average human life span is the main reason of population aging. [3]

Nahid, I am not sure that this essay was composed in 40 minutes sharp. The length of this essay is twice the required prompt. It is not suggested to keep maintaining this habit. You can just aim for 300 or 350 maximum. Somehow, shorter essay is clearer than this one. I am just afraid that it will affect your band score later on.

- ...that the age of the population is gettingget older.
- This eventissue is more obvious in the modern society.
- Longer livingLiving longer is the main reason of this phenomenon.

To be honest, these three sentences were still confusing even after I gave some corrections. I have an alternative for you below:
- It is generally seen that people are now living longer than they used to be. It becomes a predominant issue in the modern society. The main reason of this phenomenon is longevity.

Based on those corrections, I think you had a difficulty in transferring your first language into an English language. Somehow, it is pretty clear that some sentences do not sound like an English language. It seems like you forced them to be translated into English, and it sounds pretty odd for the reader.

That's it, the conclusion is that long essay in IELTS can lead to many inaccuracies (you can re-check your second and third paragraph, there were many fragments there), and be careful in translating your ideas from your first language into English. You can read many English articles to help you.

Cheers :)

Undergraduate / "Being from a small town" FIT Admissions Essay [5]

Hi Reagan! welcome to EF Team! I hope you find this website is fruitful towards your writing development, especially in writing an admission essay. First, what you need to do is to put a space (1 enter) for each paragraph, the readers (including me) are somewhat confused about which one is the paragraph and which one is not. Somehow, it also distracts the coherence of the ideas that you delivered. Second, world limit is the rule. That is usually a strict rule, I suggest you to sum the information in your essay. I believe there are some unnecessary details that can be omitted in this essay.

However, I notice that there is no serious issue about grammar, some minor errors can be fixed by yourself if you proofread your essay many times.

For instance:
- There isn't one thing about being... (avoid using contraction(s), it makes your essay looks less formal)
- I have also wentgone the extra mile to sign up...
- My GPA is not significantthat high but what you cannot see is the struggles that pressured me throughout my high school career. (unnecessary comma)

- This is because the student that I used to represent would not have even tried... (comma is not needed)

There you are Reagan, I hope you can follow through my feedback. Good Luck for the admission :)

Undergraduate / Identity - rock climbing + what it brought to myself - how it affected me [14]

In this forum there are plenty of examples about motivational letter. Perhaps slight modifications from one of those would be better. You can just search in the search box above, or google it for sure. I didn't say that this kind of essay would be ignored by the selection committees because there is no wrong and right in writing an essay as long as you've answered the prompt properly. For me, this essay was just unusually attractive. It is okay if you want to post a new draft. I would be happy to see it. :)

Writing Feedback / The United States became the most frequent winner of the hot-dog eating contest within two years [5]

Meireza, you are suggested to separate the question (prompt) and answer. Perhaps, you can 'bold' the question to make it different from the answer. I assume that the first sentence was your question, and therefore I would like to focus on seeing the whole essay after the first sentence.

I have no idea why did you only create 150 words for the answer. If you keep doing this, it will be dangerous to your band score. Just remember that in a real test you are going to write by your hand. If the examiner found any words which are unclear, they just simply do not consider it, which then your minimum words limit from the prompt given will not be achieved. Even getting band 5 is really difficult if you can't reach 150 words properly. My suggestion is that you need to write more than that, for example, aim for 165 or 190. This is the safest words count for the test.

You also accidentally left your essay without any overview(s) of the chart given. If the first sentence of your second paragraph was overview, I think it was also unclear. Remember the criteria of band 5: "recounts detail mechanically with no clear overview; there may be no data to support the description". You will not go beyond band 5 if you keep doing this. Therefore, I think that you should be careful for the next practice. Make sure that your first paragraph or the last paragraph has a clear overview of the chart. You need to mention the most important fact(s) of the task given ('first paragraph overview' is recommended rather than in the last paragraph).

Cheers :)

Undergraduate / Identity - rock climbing + what it brought to myself - how it affected me [14]

Daniel, sorry for making you wait in order to get feedback and corrections. I see that you have been in this forum for a quite a long time, even earlier than I did.

However, let's just directly discuss about your essay. I think that this essay is quite unusual. At first, I thought it was a story-telling essay. I have no idea why did you do that, but if you're asking whether this essay have answered the prompt or not. The answer is yes. It answered the prompt correctly. I am just not really sure that this type of answer is appropriate for a motivational letter. As I know, motivational letter is usually straightforward. It explains some aspects that makes you interested in the program.

For the improvement of this essay, I think you need to mention what is exactly the program and the university that you're going to apply (you can censor the name). When you mentioned 'editing' in the last part, I think it is still unclear for the reader. There are many types of editing, not only editing film, but there are also editing essay, editing books, editing a letter, and many more. You can add 1 more paragraph to sum up all the information, or reduce the amount of words in your essay. I am just concerned if there is maximum words limit for this essay.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 (Practice) Estimated percentage of car trips by purpose and gender of drivers, 2005 [6]

Irvin, welcome to the Team! :) I hope you can gain a lot of useful feedback in this forum. I am glad that the number of members in EssayForum are growing exponentially. However, if you want to know your estimated score, I would be really pleased to help you. You can see the detailed descriptions of my feedback below:

- A breakdown of the figure for the number of car trips by purpose and gender of drivers in 2005 is depicted in the bar chart .
- As seen in the chart, it is important to notice that "work" broke the record as the highest proportion compared with others whereas visiting townwere the least percentage of all.

- The vast proportion comes from work, almost reached Three fifths.Both men and women were very keen on using their cars for work, at approximately 50 and 40 percent respectively.

- This was followed by shopping, one fifth.Shopping came up as the second highest number of using cars by both males and females.

These two examples show you that it is somehow not necessary to mention all the data in every sentence.

- Visiting friends was almost 5 times as much as work.
- It was obvious that Women prefer to running errands than visit her friends.

All of those mistakes were really crucial in grammatical range and accuracy part. It is possible to get only 5.0. due to those errors. Remember the criteria of band 5,'attempts complex sentences but these tend to be less accurate than simple sentences'. This is the criteria that you have to avoid if you want to reach a high score in grammar of IELTS.

Overall, I am not really sure that this essay can be more than 5.0. However, this is just a prediction score, no need to worry. You just need to practice more and more. Perhaps, other people in this forum have different perspective, feel free to share it here. Good luck for the next practice Irvin :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2 ; Children play computer games become pros and cons [2]

Furqanda, if you wish to know your prediction score for this essay, I would be really glad to assess your writing based on writing band descriptors of IELTS task 2, especially in terms of Task Response. Commonly, there are four essential criteria that should be fulfilled properly by IELTS candidate. I decided to give you only one of them in order to make you think like an examiner by matching this essay into band descriptors. You can check the detailed assessment below:

Task Response
- There are two major questions in this essay. First, it is about positive and negative impacts, and second, it is about solution(s). It is unfortunate that you accidentally addressed these questions improperly. This was because you had decided to separate positive and negative into different paragraphs, which then the solution was only discussed in the last two sentences of your third paragraph. It was somehow considered as an imbalance portion of discussion. Therefore, it made your score in this part cannot go over 6.0, or even in the worst case, at roughly 5.5.

My suggestion for your development is that you need to fully understand the question first, and then create a well-organized plan. In your case, when the questions were more than one, I suggest you to classify first, what is actually the major concern of these questions. Somehow, it is really tricky. Thus, this essay should look like the following descriptions:

1st question
- What are the negative and positive impacts of playing games?

1st answer (1st body paragraph)
- negative argument(s) = 1st sentence
- explanation (including example) = 2nd sentence
- positive argument(s) = 3rd sentence
- explanation (including example) = 4th sentence
- wrap it all up in the last sentence (concluding sentence). = 5th sentence

2nd question
- What can be done to minimize the bad effects?

2nd answer (2nd body paragraph)
- 1st negative effect (you can take from previous paragraph, and paraphrase it) and solution
- explanation about the solution (including example(s))
- 2nd negative effect (you can take from previous paragraph, and paraphrase it) and solution
- further explanation about the solution (including example(s))
- summarize all of those sentences in 1 last sentence

As you can see, 5 or 6 sentences are adequately covered all the questions in each body paragraph. I hope you can follow through the feedback given. Good Luck for the next practice :)

Writing Feedback / Four countries: US, Japan, Mexico and Germany scored big in the Hot Dog Eating Contest [4]

Fadli, welcome to EssayForum family :) I hope you find this website useful towards your writing development, especially in IELTS writing. You are suggested to do 'peer-reviews' to other members' essays in this forum. This is definitely beneficial in enhancing your writing skill. However, I would like to remind you that feedback that you are going to give to other members should be more than one or two sentences. It can be also a paragraph or two. Some members who failed to do this have already suspended from this forum, and therefore I suggest you to be careful in conveying your thought to someone's essay in this website.

With regards to your essay, instead separating those first two paragraphs into two parts. I think it is better to combine them. As we all know that a paragraph is rarely consisted of one or two sentences only. It commonly has at least three sentences for each. Moreover, some noticeable repetitions in your essay were also problematical. In the third paragraph, you accidentally mentioned from ..... untilto .... "twice", which also repeated in the last paragraph in your opening sentence. There are other variations for that, for instance, 'between ..... and ....', 'in the following 15 years', or 'in 15 years period'.

What I like from your essay is your tenses consistency. This is your plus point. You need to maintain or develop this part, since grammatical range and accuracy also play an essential role in scoring criteria. Just make sure that your sentence structure is 100% correct before writing it. Having minor errors will be helpful in boosting your score in this part. So, good luck for the next practice! :)

Scholarship / I'm applying for Endeavour Scholarship & Fellowships Program in order to study in Australia [2]

Welcome to the team Rodolfo! :) I would be glad to assist you in writing this essay. I think that for a scholarship essay, we already have forum category which discuss this type of essay. Perhaps, next time you can post into the right category. However, I would like to focus on your grammatical range and accuracy first rather than your content. This is because there is no wrong or right in writing an essay as long as you have already answered the prompt given properly. Thus, you can see the detailed descriptions of your errors below, with corrections applied.

1st Paragraph:
- ...who can help to develop / developing Brazil. (you can choose one of them)
- I cannot continue my studies(how many studies? one right?) in my home country as there aren't(contraction is not recommended in academic writing) postgraduate programmes in my field of study. (However, I have an alternative sentence, I cannot continue my study in my home country because postgraduate programme in my field of study is not available.)

- SoThus , to continue studying, I needit is highly recommended for me to go abroad and Endeavour Scholarships would have an important role in achieving my personal goals. (avoid using coordinating conjunction (for, and, but, or, yet, so) in the beginning of the sentence. This makes your essay less formal)

- I'dI would be thrilled to have the opportunity to study... (avoid contraction. you also need to remember that some parts should be emphasized)

- It'dThis will definitely possible to change my life in the future as it'd it would give me the neededcompulsory background to become the great professional I wanted to be.

As you can see, I left the second paragraph for you or other members in this forum to proofread your essay based on some corrections that I've already given to you in above descriptions. I hope you can follow through my feedback. Good Luck for pursuing this scholarship! :)

Writing Feedback / Whereas rehabilitation can heal druggies from the narcotic adiction, jail will give deterrent effect [4]

Reza, welcome to EssayForum team! :) This is a remarkable place to share all about essay writing, especially IELTS essay. I hope you can keep participating in this forum by giving your thoughtful feedback towards other members' in this forum. I also remind you that the common problem of a new member is usually related to their feedback. One or two sentences feedback will be considered as meaningless feedback, and therefore your account will be suspended. You have to be careful later on.

With regards to your essay, I share the same opinion with Ilham. I think well-structured essay is really essential in either IELTS writing task 2 or task 1. For an additional feedback, I would like to focus on your lexical resource and grammatical accuracy part from your first two paragraphs. You can see the detailed corrections below:

- The best decisionpunishment for drug addicts are either jailed or rehabilitated. (decision? what kind of decision? being unclear since the first sentence is dangerous.)

- ...from the narcotic adictionaddiction ... (spelling error)
- jailed is the best way to givethem/criminals because this will give deterrent effect.
- from the desire tofor using drug and cured ofcuring from addiction or illness due to narcotics. (inappropriate collocation(s))
- Because of itsThis condition can make detoriorationdeterioration in health because of drug addicts. and(better make a new sentence) If the addicts do not stop using drugs, it lead to efffectaffectson another emerging crimes.

As seen, you still need a lot works to do. Do not hesitate to post another essay practice. This will definitely improve your writing skill in the future. Good luck for that! :)

Undergraduate / NYU Tisch Film and Television Personal Story Essay - grammar / good storytelling? [8]

Jordan, welcome to the team :) I hope that you find this website is fruitful towards your writing development. However, I notice that this essay is quite unusual from others, a personal story essay. Thus, I appreciate what you have made because it is not that easy to be a story-teller, and you already did a good job to be one of those remarkable story-tellers.

With regards to your questions concerning grammar / good storytelling, first, please accept my sincere condolence for you and your mom lost. Your story was indeed a major dramatic one. I have never thought that the ending would be like that. It is undoubtedly that this was a remarkable story-telling essay. I think that if the story can make the reader feel or imagine the situation that happened in the story, it means the story was already good. Kudos to you for making a dramatic story from your real life event.

Meanwhile, about your grammatical range and accuracy, you need to pay more attention of fragmented sentence(s) (sentence which has no subject nor verb). Some of your sentences were missing their subjects or verbs. In addition, some spelling errors were also existed. Let me show you one of them below:

- ...bed replaying it like an old vhsVHS tape. (abbreviation, needs to be capitalized)
- They are smeared on the pavement, and splattered on the car. (missing subject)
- I see his finger pointing at my hermom(did you mean 'mom'?)
- A gaudy, floral couch lie in the middle, they are surrounded by stuffed animals and toys. (missing subject, I have no idea what is exactly the subject that you've meant. I only made up those subjects. Correct me if I'm wrong)

- Does that make me a bad person, a heartless pesronperson ?

In addition, I think your essay was somewhat unclear in using tenses. You were telling a past-story but your tenses were mostly simple present or present perfect. Also, I noticed that you keep shifting your tenses from simple present to past tense randomly. My suggestion is that, if it was a past-story, try to be more consistent in using them. Shifting tenses are also okay if it is in appropriate place. For example, quotation or direct speech, you can shift it to simple present or continuous.

Writing Feedback / Some businesses find that when new employees join them after finishing their education, they lack... [3]

Novi, I can see that you have an interesting topic to be discussed further. It is a current problematical issue which has never-ending cycle indeed. Even though some companies believe that experience is not really necessary, many enterprises think that new employees should at least have experience for 1 year. Therefore, I would like to focus on seeing the weight of your content.

When it comes to causes, I reckon that when you brought the case to the traditional educational setting, it was too wide for a topic. Narrowing down the focus of the discussion is really important. For instance, 'What kind of country which still have that system?', 'Do you think that is the only cause?'. I think even in Indonesia, in many universities that I know, most of them already have soft-skill program. I don't say that this is wrong, but you need to bring the reason of yours into a specific level that the reader will not question your essay anymore. Perhaps, bring this case into one of the third-world countries will be suitable for the discussion, or mention the rural area of Indonesia, which I think some of them still have this old-educational method that you've mentioned above.

Meanwhile, for the solution, your opening sentence tend to over-generalize the discussion area. When you mention 'our', the reader/examiner can't be involved. Most of the examiners are coming from developed countries, and their educational systems are not the same as yours. I think you need to be careful next time. However, aside from my suggestions above, I think you already have a good grammatical control, even some errors were still there, but it didn't impede the communication. In addition, I also like your effort in putting some less common vocabularies in which will not escape the attention of the examiner. These are your plus points, you need to maintain or even develop this positive side of yours in order to outweigh your weaknesses. :)

Writing Feedback / Improved medical care. With many recent major breakthroughs in medication, humans are now accessible [4]

Hi Nguyen, welcome to the team! :) This is the perfect place to improve your writing, especially in composing essays. However, as a new member, I understand your confusion, and therefore I would like to give you some suggestions for that.

First, it is about the title. You have mention it clearly, not only presenting the topic, for example, "IELTS Task 2: Improved medical care, or TOEFL iBT: Improved medical care". It has to be clear since the title is crucial for us in determining how to give feedback towards your essay. Second, you are suggested to give at least one space (one enter) for each paragraph. Combining all of those paragraphs are not recommended at all. If we (members and contributors) think that it is a confusing post, we will just left it behind without giving you any corrections. Third, if you want to give feedback towards other members' essays, that's okay. As long as you give meaningful feedback, which means not only in a one or two sentences, somehow it can be a paragraph(s) like what I've given you just now. It is really unfortunate that some new members are suspended because of this issue, and therefore you need to avoid to make the same mistake.

With regards to your essay, I assume that it is an IELTS task 2 essay. Your introduction and conclusion paragraph seem okay. It is not necessary to put many modifications there. The thing that I am concerned is your body paragraphs. It was really bulk. Actually, 4 or 5 sentences for each paragraph is already okay as long as you've covered all the ideas that you are going to explore. I would like to give you some tips in building a strong body paragraph in the descriptions below:

Main Body Paragraph 1 (Stronger Side)
1st Sentence - Topic Sentence
2nd Sentence - Explain why it is strong
3rd Sentence - Example
4th Sentence - Topic Sentence
5th Sentence - Explain why it is strong
6th Sentence - Example

Main Body Paragraph 2 (Weaker Side)
1st Sentence - Topic Sentence
2nd Sentence - Explain why it is not strong
3rd Sentence - Example

Scholarship / Topic says: how will you fund your living cost. I need a review for the essay [4]

Hi Fasakin, it is really nice to see a new member in this forum, and therefore I would like to say welcome :) You are in the right place to share your essay about scholarship. We (members and contributors) are here trying to do our best to help you achieving your dream. In fact, this website actually helps every member of this forum by letting its members convey their thoughts and ideas through other members' essays.

With regards to your essay, I believe that you still need a lot of works. You can mind the descriptions about your errors below:

- In Nigeria, growing up in the family of five children is really challenging. As a child, growing up in the family of five children has been challenging in Nigeria.(You were explaining about a fact / general truth in Nigeria, simple present tense is the appropriate grammar)

- I have also nurturenurtured the dream of studying...
- ButHowever , my dream iswas being held... (avoid making coordinating conjunction 'But' in the beginning of the sentence. This will make your essay looks less formal.)

- ...my parentparents knew about my dream... (be consistent, since the beginning you've mentioned parents not parent.)
- ...he always supports my dream, knowing fully well the benefits of studying outside Africa. (somehow emphasizing is helpful)
- He often encourages me often and explains the importance of studying hard so asin order to get a scholarship that can help me achieve my dreams.

- ...his first degree in America (comma is unnecessary) because of thehis exceptional performances in his previous education.
- Due to the uneducated parents he had, it is unfortunate that he was denied access to fundsfor traveling and living expenses.his travel and living expenses.

- ...make sure you don'tdo not miss it". (avoid contractions, it also makes your essay looks less formal)
- My father is supportive ofvery keen on supporting my dreams and...
- My parents and guardian are the ones who will funding my living...
- They will have love to fund every expenses, because of the necessities of my siblings and other extended family members, they will not be able to do that, without inconveniencing the rest of the family.(I have no idea about your last sentence, it was quite confusing. It seems like you've rebutted your previous statement. Perhaps you can consider simplify the language use or sentence structure)

There you are Fasakin, I hope my feedback will be helpful towards your essay development. Good luck for pursuing the scholarship! :)

Writing Feedback / Is it right or wrong for children to engage in paid work to get a salary at the early age? Task 2 [2]

Natt, in a real test, you need to play safe because there are many considerations that you should think of. I would like give you some advice regarding to what might happen in the real test and what you need to improve in this essay.

What might happen and its solution:
- Pressure. It is possible for you to have brain-freeze in the middle of the test. Therefore, using fixed pattern of writing might come up as the solution.

- False interpretation. It is also possible to realize that what you are writing is actually out-of-topic in the last minute of the exam. You need to really strong in making a plan. Make sure that all of your ideas are NOT off-topic.

What you need to improve:
- This essay 'body paragraphs' were lack of conclusion. You have to bear in your mind that every 'body paragraph' has to have a concluding sentence in the last part (except agree and disagree, people usually put 'concession'). For example, you can -rephrase topic sentence/summarize the paragraph into a sentence-

- This essay is quite bulky, or too bulky perhaps. I think you need to reduce the words usage. It is almost twice the prompt. The prompt only tells the candidate to write minimum 250 words, your essay is about 470 words. Rethink again, can you cope with the pressure and writing as much as this one?

- Bulk essay often leads to repetitive words usage. This is also dangerous on your Lexical Resource part. Don't you realize in 2nd body paragraph you wrote -skill(s)- 7 times, and -money- 5 times?

- Adding 'research' is okay, but I think real example(s) from experience/factual event(s)/well-known event(s) is better than 'research'.

As you can see Natt, I hope you can follow through my feedback. I am waiting for your upcoming essay practice soon. :)

Writing Feedback / All over the world, children and adults are facing an increasing problem with excess weight. [3]

Hi Komoliddin, welcome to the EssayForum team :) This is the right place to develop your writing skills, especially in relation to essay writing. Giving consistent peer-corrections to other members of this website will significantly enhance your ability in no time. Therefore, you are suggested to keep participating in this forum regularly.

Concerning your essay, I think that from the title is totally unclear. You need to mention the type of essays that you are writing, for example you can mention IELTS task 2: all over the world, children and adults are facing obesity problem or TOEFL iBT writing: all over the world, children and adults are facing obesity problem, or even any other type of essays, as long as you describe it clearly.

Let's just assume that this is an IELTS TASK 2 writing, with also unclear question, either 'agree disagree', 'advantage disadvantage', or 'discuss both views'. Firstly, it is about minimum word limits. Avoid answering the prompt by only writing about 251 words like what you've done. This is not suggested at all. You need to remember that in IELTS test, you are going to write by using your own hands (handwriting, not computer-typing). Handwriting sometimes can be unclear, and the examiner will directly think that it is a wrong word / sentence. Therefore, they will think that you fail to fulfill the minimum words limit.

Secondly, about your paragraph building, despite making 5 'short' paragraphs, it is better to make 1 introduction paragraph, 2 main body paragraphs, and 1 conclusion paragraph (total 4 paragraphs). In addition, you also need to pay more attention in subject-verb agreement. This is also crucial issues that IELTS learners usually face. Make sure that you write a sentence structure that 100% accurate. Remember the criteria of Band 5 grammatical range and accuracy part, "attempts complex sentences but these tend to be less accurate than simple sentences". Therefore, you need to bear in mind that it is not about how complex or complicated strucure your sentences are, but it is about how accurate and appropriate your sentence structure is.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL independent writing:A Leader should have strong opinions and should not change his/her opinion [2]

Hi Huang, welcome to EssayForum :) I hope you can find this website is fruitful towards your development in writing an essay, especially in a TOEFL independent writing essay. You can develop yourself by doing peer-corrections to other members' essays in this forum. This activities will definitely enhance your writing skills significantly. Therefore, you are suggested to keep participating in this forum and keep giving meaningful feedback towards others.

With regards to your essay, I can see that you have received a very-constructive feedback from one of EssayForum members. I do hope that you can follow through. Anyway, you were asking about the possibility of grading your essay and I would say Yes, it is possible, but remember that this is just a prediction score. Writing is a subjective test, somehow different people have different standards. Therefore, I will try to assess your essay based on TOEFL independent writing rubrics with the scale of 0 - 5, and then will be converted to the scale of 0 - 30.

Firstly, you were able to address the topic and task by using developed explanations, exemplifications, and details. Unity, progress, and coherence had been displayed, though connection of ideas was occasionally obscured. Secondly, based on the corrections above, some sentence formations were inconsistent, and some inaccurate or inappropriate word choices leads to a lack of clarity and unclear meaning. Lastly, I share the same opinion as Nahid, even though most of the vocabularies were accurate, it still had limited range of syntactic structures. In sum, it is unfortunate that it can't go beyond 3.0 or 3.25 scale. I think it is somewhere around 20 - 21 (after conversion of raw score).

Scholarship / Impact Latino heritage,family&community on desire to obtain degree&how I will give back to community [7]

Hi Jaqueline, welcome to EssayForum :) I hope you find this website is useful towards your development in writing an essay. Thus, you are suggested to give thoughtful feedback to other members in this forum. I am sure that by giving sincere and meaningful feedback, you are able to enhance your writing skill, especially in composing an essay.

With regards to your essay, I would like to point out several modifications that you need to make in order to strengthen the ideas, especially in grammatical and punctuation parts. But, before that, I think that for next time, it is suggested to you to separate each paragraph by using '1 enter'. This will ease us in checking your essay, I hope you can follow through. Moreover, you can see the descriptions of your grammatical and punctuation remarks that I have created below.

1st paragraph:
- My parents always emphasizedemphasize the importance of working hard for your dreams. (if it is a lifetime advice, I think that it is unnecessary to make it in past form)

- After I graduated from high school, I knew college would be a difficult path to follow because of my family's economic situationcondition . (I think that economic/financial is usually related to condition, not a situation)

- YetHowever(avoid using coordinating conjunction (for, and, but, or, yet, so) this makes your essay become less formal) , I did not shy away from my only job opportunitymy job is not a shame thing to do , even if it meantmeans working as a night-shift waitress. (you were describing a fact, no need to shift all of them into a past form)

- My new schedule consisted of working at night, napping for a few short(redundant, few hours is already short) hours in the morning, and heading off to my college classes after a cold shower and a hot cup of coffee. ('new', but your tense was 'past'. why?)

My suggestion is that an introduction paragraph should be created as flawless as possible. This is related to a first impression of the reader. If your introduction paragraph has minor flaws, clear, and interesting story, it will be a plus point for you. In addition, time signal, it is really crucial, you need to mention clearly the year perhaps, for at least once. This is to ease the reader the imaginary situation about your life in the past. Blur time signal is not recommended at all.

Concerning your content, it was a really inspiring story. You were also able to answer the prompt properly. Perhaps, what you need to do is proofread and have some revisions about word limits. I have no idea what is the word limitations, but I think some unnecessary details should not be appeared there. I think that the second and the third paragraph can be summarized and combined together as a paragraph.

Writing Feedback / TASK1-The table below compares the average number of vehicles using three roads. [2]

Mersad, this essay 'flow of ideas' was okay, the information that you delivered was understandable. The introduction paragraph was also adequately covered the main trend. This is a good start for a TASK 1 IELTS writing. Moreover, I think that it is commonly suggested that introduction and overview is inseparable if the position is in the beginning of the essay. If you put overview or conclusion in the last part, it is okay to separate those sentences.

Suggestion:
The table .......................................................... a least tendency for Harper Lane to be used. (in 1 paragraph)

However, concerning body paragraphs. It only consists of 2 sentences for each paragraph. You need to make at least three sentences for each in order to be considered acceptable by the examiner. Thus, some sentences need to be revised. You have accidentally created some complex-but-inaccurate-sentences. Remember the criteria for band 5 in grammatical range and accuracy, which you need to avoid: 'attempt complex sentence(s), but these tend to be less accurate than simple sentence(s)'. In addition, the same issue happened to the last paragraph, and therefore you need to revise it.

Writing Feedback / In my way of thinking, children attending to private schools is reasonable idea. IELTS 2 [4]

Xiao, I notice that there is no thesis statement in your essay. This is dangerous, and therefore you will not be able to address all parts of the task. I would like to show you a simple but powerful introduction paragraph with only four sentences.

Some people think that students benefit greatly from going to private secondary(i am not really sure about this question, seems incomplete, but I would like to try to make it anyway)

Paraphrase Question - There is an increasing number of students who enroll to private school rather than state school.
State both points of view - It is often argued that this is a positive development, whilst others disagree and think it will lead to adverse ramifications.

Thesis statement - It is agreed that some tremendous benefits will be earned by students.
Outline Sentence- This essay will discuss both points of view before coming to a reasoned conclusion.

Example:
There is an increasing number of students who enroll to private school rather than state school. It is often argued that this is a positive development, whilst others disagree and think it will lead to adverse ramifications. It is agreed that some tremendous benefits will be earned by students. This essay will discuss both points of view before coming to a reasoned conclusion.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2 (PRACTICE) - THE DANGERS OF CHEMICAL COMPOUND USAGE [4]

Nurul, I would like to try to assess you based on IELTS writing task 2 public band descriptors.

Task Response:
- Unfortunately, you were only addressed this task partially by only mentioning the dangers without even stating the advantages of using chemical compound. Your position were pretty clear, but there is no conclusions drawn in your body paragraphs. Sadly, this made your essay can't go further than 5.0. for task response.

Coherence and Cohesion:
- You were able to present information with some organization, but there was lack of overall progression. In addition, some inaccurate cohesive devices have been found, such as 'to begin with , inon the other hand, takingto illustrate , assessment'. It is quite unfortunate for you to get 5.0 in this part.

Lexical Resource:
- My suggestion is that you need to learn more about vocabulary and its collocation. In this part, there are many noticeable errors about word formation which cause the difficulty to the reader. I think that without forcing some less common vocabularies there, you were able to use adequate range of vocabulary for the task. Perhaps by having 1 feature of band 6 and several features of band 5, it is possible for this part to get a 5.5.

Grammatical Range and Accuracy:
- This is dangerous and also crucial part. I can see your effort in writing some complex sentences. Unfortunately, those complex sentences that you've composed were less accurate than simple sentences. It is clearly explained by Justivy. These noticeable errors can't make your essay go beyond 5.0.

Overall, I reckon that for a prediction, this essay is worth between 5.0 and 5.5. However, don't take it personally. This was just my prediction. I hope you can do better in the next practice :)

Writing Feedback / Unhealthy lifestyle has been an increasing trend. Who should guide kids in the right direction? [4]

Subi, I just realize that your previous essay was a TOEFL iBT essay too. I would be happy to try to assess your essay based on writing rubrics of TOEFL iBT.

Firstly, you have addressed the topic and task well, though some points were not fully elaborated. This is because you've made imbalance arguments. In the first body paragraph, you've clearly mention the significant role of parents, but in the second body paragraph, you accidentally rebut your first idea because the first sentence of the paragraph said that 'children tend to spend more of their time in the school rather than with their parents' , which indicates that school plays a better role than parents. This was also strengthened by a statement that 'parents entrust their children...' . Therefore, how can those ideas are equal if the comparison tend to weaken one side?

However, when it is about prediction, I can say that this essay is between 3 and 4 in writing rubrics. This means 3.5 equals 22 points out of 30 according to iBT TOEFL converting rubric raw score. This is just my opinion, perhaps other members have different thoughts, feel free to share it here. :)